Trusty Hogs - Ep66. TRUSTY HOGS BEST OF 2021/22

Episode Date: January 5, 2023

Enjoy highlights from Trusty Hogs 2021/22, including guests like James Acaster, Ed Gamble, Sindhu Vee, Jayde Adams, Fern Brady, Alison Spittle, Chloe Petts, Rachel Fairburn, Sunil Patel, and many many more. Plus compilations of some our favourite features like Parish Announcements, Hog Snorts & Bra Fittings with Helen.Normal service resumes next week with Chelsea Birkby, who you can watch ahead of time on the 9th Jan at the Soho Theatre!CHELSEA BIRKBY @ 9:15pm: TICKETSThank you so much for listening! Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more! Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] Please give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socials Be sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Simon Moores / Guy Goodman / Mary Fox / Annie Tonner / Sarah Jarque-Deakin / Oliver JagoPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Karen & David Bull / Harald van Dijk / Eddie Doyle / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Jo Holmes  / Sarah & Molly  / Alex Pugh / Josie W / Amy / Cordelia / Raia Fink / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Sophie Chivers / Graham Marsh / Emily Gee / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie WorfWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We all belong outside. We're drawn to nature, whether it's the recorded sounds of the ocean we doze off to or the succulents that adorn our homes. Nature makes all of our lives, well, better. Despite all this, we often go about our busy lives removed from it. But the outdoors is closer than we realize. With all trails, you can discover trails nearby and explore confidently. With offline maps and on-trail navigation, download the free app today.

You buy a pair of socks, that's two socks. You buy a pair of Bombas socks, that's four socks. Because one purchased is one donated. Sox are the number one most requested clothing item in homeless shelters. So when you buy a pair of super comfortable Bombas socks, you're also donating a pair. Bombas customers have powered over 150 million donations. So Bombas would like to thank you 150 million times, but we only have like 30 seconds. Go to Bombas.com and use code audio for 20% off your first purchase.

That's BOMBAS.com and use code audio at checkout. Hello, and thank you so much for listening to our best of at the beginning of January. This is us just popping in to say next week we've got on a very special guest who was doing their Soho show on the 9th of January at the Soho Theatre. It's called No More Mr. Nice, Chelsea. It's starring Chelsea Burke. Be my amazing tour support. I love her. Catherine.

She's so nice and she's so funny and she goes to see her at Soho. And then when you tune in on the 12th to listen to us talk to her, you'll be like, I actually saw her at Soho Theater. So don't worry about it. You gotta go. It's a show of a lifetime. Run! Hello! And welcome to trusty hog!

Hi Hogg! Hi Hogg! Hey Hogg! How are you? How are you? How is you a week, Ben? How is it? Like, think to yourself for a moment.

That's a good point. What have you accomplished? We're going to talk about our amazing fucking lives. We thrive, we move, we travel, we chill. And then we're going to listen to your lives, which are dog shit, to be honest. They're not great. Seriously.

They're not great. Essentially, we're disgusting, we're reliable, but we're here. Most importantly for you, and we just want you to trust us with your problems. Through the fog, step for the trusty hogs. Yeah, you're going to give them your problems and they will solve them. Or maybe they won't, and that's your problem. They'll have guests and Andrew White on the tech. Oh, it's Helen and Catherine.

The trusty hogs, trust the trusty hogs, or maybe not. I think the last time I spoke to her and she was buying chickens. Yes. Why would you bring the chicken? Oh, shit. So basically, my neighbour Jim, who had the chickens, got drunk and forgot to close the door. Why would you mention this? And it all happened on my birthday, so now she calls my birthday chicken death day.

What's wrong with you, Ed? Four died. And I woke up in the morning and I was. making my coffee to look out on chickies because that's what I did in my morning. Hot chickens. And one of them had died on the trampoline bouncing.

And its head was gone so I can only assume it bounced into the mouth of the fox. That's all you can assume, is it? Chicken died bouncing. Chicken died bouncing, Ed. So the only something there is that the chicken

got on the trampoline to have a bounce. Chicken was running for its life and it was like, bounce time. and went into a helicopter. Yeah, chicken die bouncing. Chicken dying. That's a second episode, just monopolized by this. Great.

It was awful. The other thing I stretched about. That there's everywhere. Helen Bauer, I. Pass my driving down. No, you didn't. Yes. I can drive.

Oh, my God, I'm so proud of you. Isn't it good? Oh, I know. I'm glad. I can't believe you did it. Either can I. Wait. No one passes on the first time.

Wednesday. Stop! I know, and I was on a big round about two, and I still did it. Catherine, Mary Joseph Bohart. How many majors and minors? Is that what you asked? Well, obviously, no majors.

No majors. Four minors is kind of cute. I know, right? You can have 16, and it's like, I'm four. Which I said to the guy, but he didn't get it. Oh my God, so tell me about your examiner. His name was Chris. He was an Arsenal fan.

I loved him. How do you know he was an Arsenal fan? Oh, I chatted to him the whole time. Classic Q? obviously you charmed him you charmed him my biggest test would have been the silence so i wasn't having i was like that won't work for me i'm loving how proud you are of me i didn't expect it it's so earnest it's gross but you can't come in my car i said i wouldn't eat in it and i'd wear knickers no wanking why would your friend learn to drive if it couldn't be a wanking mobile i just i have this

vision of myself being in a car going down the mall up to buckingham palace and then close climaxing as I get to the Queen Victoria fountain. You can never come in my car and I mean come in my car or come in my car. Tell me I've heard of these moments before. You don't understand I don't drive. I'm plowing through here please. Oh my god, it's crazy. Also news, I'm going to Montreal.

Yes! Yes! I knew this one, I knew this one. I know you knew this one. I'm so excited. I've been invited to the International Comedy Festival at Just for Lafs in Montreal. You'll be there by the time this goes out. I know, I'm so excited.

I'm so excited. I actually can't believe it. I mean, it feels like. a real like I think I'm going to feel like such a nobody because the people who go there are so famous that it'll be like being a new comic all over again in an exciting way of like I have to learn to like practice a chill poker face because at the minute I'm like um I'm just I want to think about the people who are going I'm like oh my god tell us who's going and um I can't do it you can't no am I can't keep up the lie I don't think no I

I failed my job Wait Wait, one second, one second, one second, one second, one second One second, one second, I couldn't do it! One second, you're genuinely going to Montreal and then, right, no, no, just for I start, just for the Lister, what happened there is Catherine said you passed a driving test, I was over the moon for my friend. And then you said, and now I'm going to Montreal, which I already knew, and I was excited, and I wanted you to tell everyone about who else is going there.

Then your face dropped in a way they went, I can't keep up the lie anymore, which made me think as your friend and colleague that I'd lied about Montreal. I was also invited to Montreal. Oh, no. You hadn't told me. Why would I know that?

And you and their agent were in cahoots. And she told me I hadn't got it. Wait for this, wait for this. Because Catherine wanted to reveal it on the podcast. So instead, Instead, what happened is you went I failed my driving test

Right, I'm sorry, get your bag out We're having a flapjack Get your bag, get your bag, I'm sorry you failed No, get your back, get your fucking bag For the listener who's not watching on YouTube Catherine is now going towards her bag Feel fucking bad Feel real bad

You were smoking at my age right I fed cigarettes with you before I smoked so much in my life And I miss it to- You were smoking last month as I knew why are we acting like it was Helen's age. August, no, between August and December 30th, I smoked all the time.

Wow. I'm proud of you for vaping, because that seems better. It is better. You're a vapist. I just explode. Ha ha. I just explained to you.

It's not that bad. Okay. I told you she's not nice to me. She's great. In our intro, like, Catherine was like, I love her so much. She's so great. And I was like, yeah, she's great,

but she's like, you do bully me a bit. What? She just stands up to you. anything I post, any slight spelling mistake, or God knows what a comma is, but apparently you do. And then you don't. Well, it doesn't matter. True. And then I just get like...

My eyeballs bleed. Cindy V's replied to it and I'm like, well, this will be funny, but it's never funny. It's just like, oh, actually, Helen, it's this. And it's like, it's not helping anyone. It's just, you know it pisses me off. I don't care. I don't learn. No.

But that doesn't mean I won't try. Remember the story of the sage and the scorpion. Never forget that story. What story? What story is the sage and the scorpion? So one time, there's this guy, and he's at the banks of the genji's hanging out because he's like, whatever, it doesn't do much. And then he sees a scorpion, and it's walking towards the water, and it's going to drown.

And then he sees a sage walk by, and the sage picks up the scorpion and puts him on the dry step. And, of course, the scorpion bites him, and a bit of poison goes in the sage, and they're affected. And then the scorpion, as soon as he puts him down on dry land, again, walks towards poor spelling, you know? Yeah. Walk, walk, walk towards the water And the sage brings him back And he stings him again And you know if you are repeatedly stung by scorpions

You'll die because you get too much poison This happens three, four times The spelling is not getting better Scorpion is heading towards the water every time Sage is bringing him back saying It's apostrophe R-E Not Y-O-U-R-And then finally The guy on the bank says Sage

Sage, why do you keep bringing him back Even though he doesn't learn spelling And you know what the sage says? He must be him and I must be me. I will always correct you on Twitter if you spell wrongly. You don't have to learn.

I went to a performing art school and it was all over. You know what I mean? I saw two men kiss and I'm like, that's the hottest thing I've ever seen. What happened? Yeah.

Also, you don't have to be queer to be into drag. So, like, you can just be like a fan of the art. I am, but I have been, especially for the last decade or so, very much a part of a supporter of queer culture.

And when I moved to city, I didn't really know what to do so I just got taken to gay clubs and I'm like oh my god this is amazing I get to dance with hot men and nobody's cracking onto me and all the songs have lyrics in it as they fucking shit have they're done with these techno clubs

what a bizarrely German specific complaint yeah the gay cops in Berlin the only place to play lyrics everyone else is techno it's fucking exhausted I did go through a techno face to be fair of course you did but to rewind and you didn't know you're bisexual or have ADHD

day. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. I love this. Go, boy, go, boys, boys, boys. I could really, I can do my homework right now. I can focus. Hello and welcome to episode. Welcome to episode 22 of trusty hogs.

Oh, goodness. We're not making the snort a thing, Helen. Don't you think that's cute, though? Like a little sort of like... You say it every time I don't think it's cute. Can you write in the review on iTunes that you want more pig noises? Oh, no. I was saying like...

That's for you, Helen, babe. Oh, for goodness sake. Hello hog. Hello, hon. Oink, coin, oink. It's lovely to be here. But could you actually oink for us? Like...

Yeah! Oh, yeah, sure, of course. Oh, yeah. So what's the biggest name you drop in the tour show? Buzz Aldrin. That is a big name to come. That's my biggest name. So you've met Buzz Aldrin?

What? Yeah, well, so this is the thing. What? I've first ever radio four panel show. And, you know, you've been doing stand-up for a little bit. You get an agent. It usually kind of goes in that order. And then work sort of starts changing, these things you've fantasised about,

seeing other people maybe that you've gigged with doing. and so I got booked for a radio four panel show which was already, I was so gloriously. Please, yeah. And then they rang up to tell me who else was on and go through the games and they were going through who was on and they opened with Jimmy Carr. So I was just trying to like, silently, without being a dweeb to them,

react to the fact that fucking hell, Jimmy Carr's one of the famous comedians in the world as one of the best gag writers who's ever lived. And I'm doing a show with him. I'm going to be like, he will shake my hand and know who I am. And as I was trying to absorb this, they went and Buzz Aldrin. What the hell?

I know, from the moon. And that's why I talk about him. But why was he booked for an inheriting of time? And what was the premise of the show? The show, I think it was Museum of Curiosity. Oh, they can get some like randomly amazing. Yeah, randomly amazing people. And it definitely was via John Lloyd, from QI,

who's very well connected and knows lots of people and there's lots of people's friends. And so it just was one of those really random. things. And then when we had the photograph taken at the end, I don't talk about this in my show, but it was very sweet of Jimmy because it was the first night I'd ever met him, and obviously I was a very new comic, and he's really supportive to new comics, as we know. To be fair, he really is. He really is. And when we were having the photograph taken, I was definitely the lowest status person in the room, so I was sort of out on the edge.

And Jimmy said, no, come here, and he put me next to Buzz Aldrin, and he went, touch me, touch him, not touch me. That would be an awful story. That is, to be fair, one of the things Jimmy Carr has never done. that we know of any of us so he said so he said he went Sarah come here and then he in the photo put me next to

Buzz Aldrin in the light and he went touch him has been on the moon I've just got my hand on the back of the ballroom just gently caressing moon man that's amazing so that's my biggest name job yeah that's incredible I think at my first panel show

I was just on was like I'm not going to name male comedians that's really mean to just be like Phil Warren Russell Cair I'm not going to list my peers as disappointments just then actually But sometimes this does happen

Where something that you think is so great And then you tell someone maybe from home, family member And it's been like, oh my God I'm going to be doing a thing with Rommis Yeah And who? Oh I know Yeah

But it's so arbitrary as well Like sometimes you'll be like Oh I'm about to see this like major, like I'm about to see like pointless celebrities or something which for me is like the biggest thing and someone will be unimpressed and then you'll be like

oh I'm just going to go on BBC 4's a good read and I'll be like you they're letting you on BBC Radio 4th I couldn't read with Harriet Gilbert yeah you!

Yeah but I think that's quite nice that like you can go to different people for different things for I thought you're going to be like they would have like oh Buzz Aldrin is not Neil Armstrong oh I see

like the shit the shit ash Was that your reaction? But it's still in the line up. If you know Gary, if you know Gary Barlow, you know Howard and Jason. Yeah. So if you know Elon Strong, you know Buzz Aldrin. Did he seem like more of a Howie or a Jason? Oh, no, no.

I think he's a Gary Barlow. Oh, is he? You know, oh, this is, I mean, gossip. Niels the Robbie. Neal's the Robbie, absolutely. So Buzz was supposed to be first on the moon, but he's a quite right wing. He's got some beliefs, probably very popular now. in America the kind of thing

at the time they were too scared about what he would say and he made the moon part of his Masonic lodge by putting he took his Masonic flag up there as well as the American one

shut off no what? Yeah it's it's part of his Masonic Lodge he literally going like but can the Masons do that?

I think I mean if if they've got to the moon then you can pretty much do whatever you like with the moon what were they worried he was going to say for white people

Wow, I'm glad you really went for it and I respected. He's going to punch you now. Buzz? Yeah, that's what he does. He punches people. What? Descenters. Did you not know this? Sorry, I was so impressed that you met him.

I didn't know he was a madman. Sarah, at least then I'll have touched someone that's been on the moon. That's true. It'd be like a meteorite. It's coming straight to your face. What? So this is not, I mean, this is publicly well known. Actually, I don't think Buzz comes out of this particularly badly.

It was a... hear me out we've gone we've gone from I don't name drop to you talking about Buzz Aldrin on first name terms boss doesn't come out

that badly from there my boss see how can you imagine it it's worse after wine because it was one of those moon landing deniers and they was in a press junket and they had lied

to get in there and then were very disrespectful to him and it's on essentially you know Buzz Aldrin fought for his country and before the space work

that he did the space industry job the temping he did and so he's a veteran is what I'm trying to say and I was incredibly disrespectful and I was trying to get him to admit he hadn't gone

and imagine if you trained that long done something that incredible not only personally but for the whole of humanity to have some like kids say just because it doesn't fit my narrative of reality

didn't happen so he punched him you can watch it on YouTube I absolutely will I can confirm that I will be watching In fact everyone

pause now go away I have a little watch We get it We get it We support you Yeah we were doing this production

Which needed I won't go into it It wasn't the script It needed bones It needed a bones Like human bones Yes And Camille

bought a reduced Chicken From Sainsbury But didn't cook it Did like No I cooked it No no but you didn't cook it, you left it in the fridge for a while

because you were like, well, I'm not going to eat it. So it doesn't matter if it goes out of date further because I'm just going to cook it. She boiled up the most rancid chicken. Boiled? Boiled it up. Or did you roast it? I boiled it and then I roasted the bones.

And her housemate said that the house just stank of death for months afterwards. And the bones stank, like at the end of the play, just throughout the play because they were backstage. This smell would just wave over you through the theatre. until the character brought them out at the end and it was genuinely horrific because it was like, well, they smell of death. A commitment to my art.

You needed to look a human bone. A chicken carcass does not look like a human bone. I'd say it was quite effective. It was, it was. It's long buried. It's long buried. And did no part of you ever think, oh, I'll just go to a butcher's

and just ask for their leftover bones? No. That's weird. No. That never. That never occurred. You don't smoke, do you? No.

And you're not smoking. No. I'm scared my mother will listen to this. I used to, I don't anymore. That's good. I don't anymore. Yeah, now also makes me feel sick. Do you know, with me, it's, if I get incredibly,

if someone really pisses me off, that's when I get a craving. Right, yeah, I agree. Because it, in a way, slows down your breathing. I mean, obviously, long term also, but don't you find it? Like, it makes you, like, it's sort of mindful. It sort of, if some, yeah, it's that thing of like, I remember I'd quit smoking.

When I used to work at a library, I used to have this awful boss who was the biggest, not bad in the world. And I'd quit smoking. So you used to work in a library. I did. Okay. Go on. And I'd stopped smoking for about three years. Yeah. And one day, she really was an asshole

with me. How can you be an asshole when you were on a library? Like, if you can't even raise your voice, how did you be mean? Well, we had offices, didn't know? Oh, of course. So I remember, the argument, I can't remember what it was about, but she was very rude to me. And I remember, the only thing I remember saying to her was, oh yeah, what's this in here?

Downton Abbey. because I felt she was like throwing her like she was sort of thinking she was above me and I felt like oh what am I Mrs. you know below stairs what's this down Sten Abbey and I remember storming out and it was a rare book's library as well

and it was in the big beautiful old Gothic building so to storm out though well to storm out you had to storm out but then because her office was up on this turret You had to... Oh, so it was upstairs and stairs. Yeah, so it was very much upstairs downstairs. Spiral stairs.

But I had to storm down a spiral staircase, which is really asking. Like, be pissed off, like, going, oh, fucking, oh, my God, that's so funny. And then stormed through this beautiful old building. So, anyway, it pissed me off that much that after not smoking for three years and never wanting to smoke again, I went to the shopping box, went in Marlborough Lights and just stood outside, smoking them. You showed her. I, say what, I showed her.

You actually damaged your own health, actually. I'm obsessed for drama school auditions. I only did a couple, but they are fucking terrifying. So it's like, did you ever do them, Andrew? No, a lot of my friends went through that circus. Okay, I just saw the wipes of your eyes. No, no. So, like, there's like, I'd say seven drama schools.

There's like, there's more than that, but there's seven that people like, well, like, those are the ones that they want to go to. And they've all got this insane alumni or whatever. And to get into it, you have to do three speeches. You've got to do one modern day, one classical Shakespeare. or like a contemporary of Shakespeare and then you've got to prepare a song. Do you want to know about my...

So I had to do a song. I do. How are they playing Sweet Caroline outside right now? That's crazy. Apologise for the sound quality again. I have a nice background. Do you love it? I like it. It's a bit of ambiance, you know.

And so we had to do a song. And so I was like, I'm a really bad singer and I don't know how to hold a tune. And so I got, like, everyone had, like, I had this teacher. She was like, just take you back to the basics. Yeah. So she taught me this song.

called the merry cobbler and then... What's the merry... Okay. Could you give a surrendition? Oh, God. Oh my God, I think she's starting to cry. Are you hyperventilating? Dude, I had, like, actions and stuff as well.

It's like... Can you imagine that I went places and I actually did this? I can see you doing it errata. A cobble, a cop. Please try it again. It's difficult with his back out of it. It's really hard because that's really going for sweet Caroline at the moment on the streets of London. I cobble, cobble.

I'm cobbling a shoe right now if anyone was wondering. And then he goes like, Drawlod. Like today's my actual birthday. Happy birthday? Happy birthday. I didn't know. Oh, no, happy birthday.

Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Oh, thank you. Let's do a birthday tit-wank on Evelynneville. Let's do a birthday tit-wank on Evelyn. Do you have a birthday tink? What if ever... Is your 34th birthday where you give her a wink?

No, does no one else do that for their friend's birthday? How are you talking about? A birthday tit-wank. Do you know what one? It is that. she doesn't want that oh is this a consent thing again yes evelyn i'm sorry you didn't consent evelyn evelyn i'm sorry i didn't get your consent what are you yelling at first you touched my boob and then you're yelling

helen that is unacceptable happy birthday evelyn i'm sorry that helen had the weird birthday tradition i have a different birthday tradition you want to touch my boob what's your birthday We're doing it. Okay, very, thank you. What is that? An E? No, it's my bra. No, no, no, like the size.

She's guessing your size. She's not an E. It is a neat. Yeah. It is a me. How did you know? What? What is it happening?

Oh. How did you get the size right? Thank you. Thank you. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm loving this.

I'm loving this. Is that your special skill? Did you just guess her, or. Cup size? Some people have GCSEs. Here we go. Here we go. We told Tessa, this is your superpower.

And by the way, I've never let Helen do this, but... Fun. Fun. Really fun bags. Really? Oh my God. Can I please touch your breast and tell you your bra size? Yeah, because I don't know it.

It's her secret. She can do it. She'll really get in there. Sorry. I think. I was going to go around the back. I love it, wasn't it? That's a bit of fun.

This is really fun. Well, you've hidden them, but you're not wearing a wire either. No. You're not playing around with anything. No, no, never. That is a lovely. Wow. You know what?

Actually, your cusping CD, but that's a 32 cusp CD, but I'm going to say D. Whoa, that's crazy. May I please touch your breath? Yes. Okay, and are you prepared for her to blow your mind? Yeah. Okay. I actually.

Oh, my God. It's incredible. I'm coming around. It's so nice. A bikini top. What single cloth? Yeah. Your size, you need a fucking three class for baby.

What are you doing with a single class? Did you go to an old boy school? Yeah. Oh my God, that's my idea of hell. Was it hard? Yeah, I hated it. That's horrific. I'm so sorry.

It's fine. It probably led to some... So my dad was a piano. My dad is a piano player. Yeah, he is. So cool. So my father is this jazz musician in Ireland where he spent his whole life working in these incredible tunes

and flying to L.A. and making an album. No one knows any of his work, but he wrote the song that you have to learn in school about how to cross the road. Remember one, look for a safe place. Shut up. Don't worry, stop and wait. Yeah, he wrote the safe cross code.

And so that would be the thing. At a birthday party, Dad would have been working on some orchestral piece for six trumpets. I'd ever be like, do this, do the cross the road song. I want to hear the cross the road song in front. Can you send me a link to it?

Yeah, the problem with it is. I remember at the time, the British... Everyone's a critic. The British Cross the Road song was really simple. When you're walking down the street, mind your head and watch your feet. If you don't stay a lot, you could end up getting hurt. You've got to stop and think and you'll be king of the road. Really?

Yeah, that was our one. I mean, the problem is she hasn't broached the tough issue of crossing the road, which is why Ellen... You got to stop and think and listen. Just walked around her own block for years and nearest. Would this be... It's been broadcast on RT1 from 50. Would this sit?

It's sung by Brendan Grace, who was the jungle priest from Father Ted. No. Sorry, I've got to... There's a YouTube adverts, but I'll get it up. It's a seven-point road crossing. Seven point. Yeah, here we go I were a jazz musician

I think this would be a bit This is so cool You guys Know at the court One Two This is my jazz This is my gosh

Five Here we go One two Three three Four five six Is a friend And Grace singing this Remember

One Look for a safe place Two Don't hurry Stop and wait I mean this is Just be real bit And listen

Before you cross the roll Remember This is a lot of fun Just a running That is a lot better. That is a lot better. That is a lot better. That is a banger. Yeah. That is a banger. That was amazing. It's, yeah, so that was my father. What was it like growing up with him? That must be amazing. Well, what was cool was, so my father was a musical director of the Late Late Show, which is like the longest running TV show.

Yeah, I know what it is. Are you fucking kidding? Yeah, so, but this was in the 70s when you just played. So get this, on the same month, in 1972 my dad played with Fred Astaire and Bob Marley because the local band just sat in with whoever the musicians were so yeah this was it was definitely a showbiz kind of a family but it was the dirty end it was the non-glamour end of showbiz me and Nish Kumar whenever we get drunk together and it's just the two of us end up always always the same conversations we have two conversations, but we get drunk enough, just the two of us.

One is we recap how we met each other. Nice. And we go over that entire story. That's so cute. The two different gigs we did together, there was a gig where I thought

Nish, I thought this was a good guy but a shit comedian, and he thought that I was a shit person, but a good comedian. And we talk about that and how our opinions have changed over the year. And we really go over about, yeah, basically then we just talk about our friendship for ages. And then there's another conversation we have, which is just discussing our top five REM albums.

And we do it every time. I've never thought of you as a lesbian couple before. But now I'm like, wow, that's what you are. That's really sweet. Have you ever moved to City? Went to a university? Yeah. There we go.

Yeah. And I completely understand this issue. I was very nervous about making new friends because I had a lot of friends at home. And none of those friends came to the same university as me. Yeah. Did you feel disloyal? to your friends from before or did you just feel like you weren't used to being without? I wasn't used to being without them and I was like I should

strike out there on my own. Yeah. Make some new friends. Yeah. My mum said to me when you arrive in student halls what you've got to do is you've got to put the kettle on make a cup of tea. Oh mom. Mommy gamble. And leave the, leave the door to your room open and people will walk past and they'd be like, hey, what's going on? What's going on in here? Did, did they? Right. So I never used to listen to my mum about anything, right? But I was like, okay, well, it seems like.

You know, people had smelled the tea. It's really pure. It's so pure. It's, I, uh, mm. Is that boiling water? It's when Ed's started to have a shirt, he's got a burnt kettle mark from water from years of people. So I boil the kettle a few times.

I don't really drink tea either, by the way. Like a cooling car. Yeah, just like. We've got a reputation on the corridor for being an absolute psycho as 15 cup of teas an hour. Do you have a caffeine shake? And I left the door open.

I think after about an hour and a half someone came in, poked the head round the door and then went, oh, sorry, and left again. So pretty bleak. So I do understand that. I'm so sorry.

It's just usually some of mine's in a sad story We help. You just made it worry. Yeah, that's crazy. Yeah. Oh, boy. I'm really upset. Oh, my God.

Just the idea of you just by yourself, like, just... Yeah, sat on the edge of my bed. Did you put out any biscuits? I don't think I had any biscuits. Like, everyone walks... Put on my big Pulp Fiction Post room waiting to some friends to arrive. You're like, in the American office when he has that party in his hotel room at the conference. And he's like, you know, people have been coming in an hour.

No, you're all right. Honestly, all evening just... People are like, oh. Yeah. Eventually, I went and just knocked on my neighbor's door, I think, and said hello. And he was, I was about to say, could we please just make sure there's a happy ending? So this person, you know, should they try something that doesn't work the first time? You ultimately made friends.

Yeah, I made friends. My next door neighbor on the corridor. And we ended up being best mates for all of uni and ended up carrying house. Men can do that, can they? They're just like, well, you're near. He was like a really good bloke. So it wasn't, like, I hated a lot of people. Okay, great, great, good.

But he was a really good bloke. Also, they're so loud. They stayed up so late. Oh. I had to go out. I didn't go university. I feel lucky I grew up here things like this.

I'm like, I don't know. You're going to tell anymore. Yeah. With this kettle being like, we're busy. Didn't you see you running up and down this corridor at 4pm? Yeah, now it's 4 a.m.

Yes or no. Do you want to be friends? Well, keep it down then. Are you a bit of a Christmas fan? I am obsessed. I mean, yeah, like, it's cool or whatever. Yeah. I always find it difficult.

People, you know, I love Christmas. I don't like New Year, but I love Christmas. Correct. I always feel that people have this thing. I must do this by the end of the year. By January the 1st, it's got to be done. But actually, it makes way more sense to do it astrologically because all the energies that you go through

and Pisces is the 12th sign and that's the time. Oh, my God. That means you've got like literally like a week to wrap everything up. Oh, my God, why would you do that to me? Is it until March 23rd? Does Aries start? March 21st? First.

Yeah, you're fucked. You've got literally a week. Like you've got to do it right now. No, but we're moving at the end of the year. So, you know, you need to get all that stuff moving. You need to have a nice plan of action. Not too many notes, not too many plans, not too many jostas with things written on.

You know, not too, post-it notes. He's got a whiteboard too, Penel of me. Have you got a whiteboard? You haven't got a whiteboard. I like to plan. Helen, do I come to your house and then report to a baby? No, you don't like coming over. No, I don't because I don't like other people's spaces.

But okay. Okay, I'll call. with the notes. Let things be a little bit more organic. So, because if you're living in the moment and you're enjoying that experience, it will tip you into the next experience a lot more easily. So every little bit will plan and roll.

You don't have to have like a military precision. I need this done by March. I need this on by April. Okay, your taxes, yes, but everything else now. Yeah. Okay. And I have a very good accountant, so he'll sort of do it. Do you not do your own? What if I got to prison, Penelope? What if I get it wrong? I'll visit her. As if you'd get it wrong.

Oh listen I wouldn't but that's not the point The fear of it I couldn't be living with it Just really quickly Do you think I could do my own taxes You forget too much You have the best guy Chris he's lovely

And he says I'm in his top five clients I told you I got an accountant Her name's Gemma I can imagine you have like receipts in your pocket Like three years ago Well like There's an app You can just take the photo

Yeah I've heard about this app Yeah Yeah, but I've got my Pokemon, I've got Pokemon Go and it takes a lot of space on my phone. Of course it does. Yeah. Much more important than your taxes. Yeah. I've got all 151 in the Canto region.

You're a horrifying. Thank you, Benelby. I feel, I'm hoping you feel a bit encouraged. I do feel encouraged. You really should. I know, I feel, yeah. I do feel encouraged. I also love as a friend of Catherine is listening to you be like, you've got this.

You're good. Like, stop, like, holding onto things. And I don't think that you can't change things. you've got the whole world as your oyster and all these things are coming together and it is like I know your thing like coming up in the next six months it is. I feel like things are coming together

now for you. Yeah. Yeah. Like I'm just excited like this discussion's happening about you right now. Thank you. Unless it's one of my career goals which I'm going to lose it. I don't know if I can ask the card this but I would love to voice a Disney princess. Would you? Yeah. A kind of sassy one.

Yeah. Kind of like one with big tits I guess. Yeah. A bit like the girl in Brave. Kind of like Meredith. Yeah. I just think I'd love to voice one. Would you? She'd not have a voiceover agent? No. Oh, I've no, such a good one.

Anelope's going to get us work. This is so exciting. I know a really good agency. Helen, yeah, let me know. Make your sleepy princess dreams come true. Well, I have to do my liver first and then can I become a different? Well, the thing is, you know, I am a great believer in, you know, the holistic way of doing

everything all at once. Yeah. And then the soft and the most important will float to the top. See? That's amazing. You're going to fix your liver and Penelope's going to get your voice overaging. This is the best I'm my fucking love. I know, right?

Now, pick some cards. Define affordable omelet. Because I would love to know where parameters are with this. I think if you're charging more than 10 pounds in omelette, you're a no man's land. That's madness. That doesn't happen. It's happening. No, it's not happening.

Where is that happening? Excuse me. Look, we're not all living in your metropolitan bubble. Okay. Some of us get out there. Our point is, of course, you're not charging more than a tenant. It's happening. This is Britain in 2022. There are people, go to Soho.

Sorry, go to Soho. I didn't want to get this hard too early on it. You are raising your voice at me, sir. And I just said, define affordable omelet. And you went, not all of them are living in your metropolitan bubble, your fat bitches. And that came out of nowhere as far as good sense. And it was weird because we are saying they should be less than a tender.

And you're eating your omelets at the Ivy? What's happening? I'm going to be honest with you. I didn't know we'd started. I didn't know we started recording. My plan was to have an airwaves gum before because I'm very worried I've got coffee breath. But we all have coffee breath.

I've got omelet breath. I actually did pay for an omelette this morning. It is on the mind. How much was it? It was seven pound 90 came with chips and a salad. Now that's different. That's not just an omelet. That's a meal.

Where are we having that? Some sort of cafe? Some sort of cafe. Some sort of cafe. It was a cafe. I'm not going to name my sauces on air. And that's not a cafe. That's a calf.

A cafe does not serve an omelette with chips and salad. A calf serves omelet chips and salads. This is a very good distinction. I agree with you. Thank you. This was a place where, and I go there a lot, but this is my sort of treat to myself. Because that's, you know, a man of the people.

I go there, I sit in the corner, and then it has a little stack of Mars bars and you can buy those as well. Now a cafe wouldn't even go to here. The French don't have a stack of Mars bars. Good Lord. Well, the difference between a cafe and a cafe is, a cafe if you ask for ketchup,

I'll bring it to you in a ramekin. In a calf, you never have to ask because it's there. Yeah, you're so right. Your access to your condiments is free. And it's in a sachet and it's made by company that no longer exists. And it tastes exclusively of vinegar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my gosh, hi, how are you?

It's great to see you. Thank you for having me. I've got another omelet thing. Yeah. You brought it up and this is your punishment. Honestly, I go out for omelets maybe three times a week. It's becoming a good problem. I'm a massive omelet fan.

My, I live a vegan household. My wife is vegan. So I live very vegan We don't have any meat or dairy products in the home So my treat is once in a while One in a while, three a week, three a week, Sean my gosh It is increasingly becoming a habit I'm sweating now

You're actually having a panic stack I'm getting the egg sweats I'm getting the egg sweats I'm sorry I'm sorry if someone should tell you Tell me everything underwear and t-shirts. Warning, bombas are so absurdly comfortable

you may throw out all your other clothes. Sorry, do we legally have to say that? No, this is just how I talk, and I really love my bombus. They do feel that good, and they do good too. One item purchased equals one item donated. To feel good and do good, go to bombus.com and use code audio for 20% off your first purchase. That's B-O-M-B-A-S dot com and use code audio at checkout.

Feel good about back to school with help from Whole Foods Market. Thanks to their high standards, keep banned food ingredients like high-fructose corn syrup out of lunchboxes all year. Check out Whole Foods Market unmatched selection of allergen-friendly options for all kinds of special diets. Find what you need without dairy, gluten, nuts, or whatever you're trying to avoid. Get back to school ready at Whole Foods Market, in store, and online. Avoiding your unfinished home projects because you're not sure where to start, Thumbtack knows home so you don't have to. Don't know the difference between mat paint finish and satin or what that clunking sound from your dryer is with thumbtack

you don't have to be a home pro you just have to hire one you can hire top rated pros see price estimates and read reviews all on the app download today cool i have a couple of parish announcements does any other podcast do parish announcements by the way thinking of making it a thing i mean i would what's a parish like it so when someone's died who wants to do the flowers. She did them for years. Yeah, well, Helen, here's what I'm saying is people have dictionary corner. Other people have corrections corner. I want to have parish announcements. I would like that.

Okay, parish announcements. Do you have to do it in an Irish accent? Yeah, and I think you're going to love them. I'd do the whole thing in an Irish accent. No, I'm going to do mine in an Irish accent too. Okay, great. Parish announcement number two. Today is going to be a good day. We're going to get along. We're going to have a nice time. There's no interruptions of the parish announcements. Thank you. Last week, obviously, Catherine to Parish Council announcements. But if you're allowed to do that as a section, I'm allowed to

do Helen's baby section. Can I just jump in to defend myself? I know you didn't. I know you didn't. I know you didn't. It's time for parish announcement. With baby Howard. I've got the pulpit now.

Announcement number one. The parish announcement, new birth. Helen Bauer. With your baby. Unfortunately death, Helen Bauer. I'm afraid, no. So first parish announcement is that there will be no Helen Bauer baby hour. You have some parish announcements.

You ready for it? Yes. Are you going to be respectful? Yes. Okay, because there's a lot to cover. So much to cover. Oh, my God. No interrupting the parish announcements.

Thank you so much. We need a conch system. No, I think that's something we hold. So this is the conch system. I created a parrot announcement so I could say something on the podcast. Oh my God, what's wrong with you? And then my third announcement is to say that, um,

I love you. You're my good friend. And I would like it on note so that I can treat you whatever way I want when we start the podcast proper. Do you have any parish announcements? No. Moving on. One of my favorite TV shows was The Secret Life for the Zoo.

I loved it. Now, I know zoos are a very tricky topic for a lot of people. I hadn't been to zoos for ages because I was like, oh, they're really, really bad. I also have a little sister who has severe special needs, and she fucking loves going to the zoo. So I made my peace with the fact that I have to go to a zoo once a year, and it's depressing how much I actually enjoy it. I fucking love The Secret Life for the Zoo.

It was a show on Channel 4, and it was a reality TV show where the animals were the stars. they would have on each of the... Do you remember this time? This was a couple of years ago before we did the podcast and I was really upset about that tortoise. Helen, this podcast only started like 11 weeks ago. You don't need to be like

it was a couple of years ago before we started the podcast. How long does it feel like we've been doing this to you? 10,000 years. So, oh God, no. Helen, trigger warning if you're going to tell this Tortoise story. You're really bad at trigger warnings.

Wow. Wow. I think we need like a trigger warning trigger warning. Yeah, I think so do. Catherine's not going to trigger warning my trigger warning. Could I just maybe say the truth, can I just, can I, here's my trigger warning. Helen is going to talk about non-consensual sex between

turtles. Radiated tortoises. My apology. It's okay. Can we say non-consensual sex? Yes. Great. Whatever the right wording is. You say it. I say that. Okay, so secret life of the zoo.

It was supposed to be a really humble show where they show the keepers who look after the animals and how they take care of them and how they like just like how they like have babies and like looking after them and it's like the different personalities of the animals but like every episode without fail one of them would die and I would always take it so badly it was like the ultimate sort of like it's like watching this is us right you know you're not going to be happy at the end of the episode but you know you're going to watch another one yeah yeah and it was like I was in a bad headspace tragedy porn tragedy porn and like this little oh my god all the baby elephants kept dying so they kept them getting

elephant chlamydia and it was just like awful it was awful it was how what they got this is an absolute pandemic of elephant chlamydia and zoos it's a bloody nightmare why are they how they're how they're all siblings i don't know it was awful and they they've got this um chameleon called mr parsons who no guan even and they've been trying to breed him for so long and they eventually managed to find like and mrs parsons and mrs parsons but every time he like has an opportunity to have sleep with someone he fucks it and they got this one from a zoo in Paris is not what they want they got no they got like a lady one from a zoo in Paris and they were like

this will be great they're gonna mate and there's like hardly any of them left Parisian iguanas are the sexiest iguanos she was a fucking dick she literally sat in the corner of the cage and watched him walking over to her for three days and then he nearly made it and on his last step he fell off was like, I'm not doing it. And she's never going to, she's never going to sleep with him now. She doesn't want to have that inside of her. And it was so awful because all the keepers were like, oh, he keeps having these mistakes.

Like, no, he's gay. He's just finding an excuse not to fuck her. And it's like, he knows if he falls. But he's like, I love her. It was such a long fall. He was like, huh. I love her. She knows her worth.

She's like, fucking work for it. Really, really. But then they have to send her to another zoo in, like, China to try and find a new mate. But basically, I followed this one. the storyline so intensely the radiated tortoises so there are a group of them what does that mean a radiated tortoise it's a breed of tortoise is a type of tortoise they emit heat like they're in hot climates they love hot climates and they will have like little shells and all of their like they make loads of points all over their shell oh cute and they're very sweet and they were all girls it was just like

a hen house of tortoises and they were called like mary and katherine and jane and sophy and then they had one boy who lived with them called Bert and there was one female was he a school friend mm-hmm okay oh wow I don't like but oh wow okay because one of the tortoises didn't have a classic name one was called smooth sides no smooth sides I love smooth sides I was up for smooth sides having a fun anecdote as to why she was called smooth sides because that happens every now and again with naming animals yeah and also they're all in a girl house like maybe like they went out and had a funny nice and she was called smooth sides. Smooth sides. Smooth sides was named smooth sides. Because Bert was fucking her so repeatedly that the side of her shell had been smoothed down

like a mirror to the point where she'd lost her shape of a tortoise. And I know that's non-consensual. I know I can't speak on behalf of the tortoises it's not consensual They named her after her Yeah Her like her trauma They trauma named her It's awful

Why didn't they just call her victim one and be done with it And the thing is He kept going for her Because she was so easy to climb on top of Because of the same side And you could tell smooth sides Was breaking in spirit So that the effort

She's been named easy target I know it's like naming your daughter Like I'm not going to be play that one. Even I need to stop. Even I need to. I was like, ugh.

But smooth sides. So then they were like, okay, well, we need to fix this because smooth sides is really miserable and in pain.

So they were like, oh, let's, now they've decided to fix this. Eventually, they removed Burt and put him in a separate enclosure.

Finally, somebody did something. And then Burt faked depression. I'm telling you it was faked. It was so obvious. He was like,

oh, there's no one, No one to sleep with here. Was he like, I had a really tough childhood too. Awful. Fuck off, bird. So they were like, oh, well, I'd rather smooth sides be abused than have Burt be sad. They put Burt back in.

Then they tried. The patriarchy. They got another radiated tortoise called football, which obviously is going to be someone who sexually assaults. That's mad. And they bring football in. And football also went straight for smooth sides because she's so easy to climb. So then she was just getting a. assaulted by football and

Bert and then I then she wasn't on the next season and seek her life for the zoo so me and my sister had to go up to Chester Now where is she? Is she okay? I've been up to visit her the last two years Oh she's still on. I have to pay for a hotel It's a long weekend And she both times I've been up

Both times I've been up She's been sleeping surrounded by the other women Which I think is so beautiful She is protected but Bert's still alive Where were they in the hen house though? She could have done with a protection then I know. I know.

And I'm paying about £300 a year. Because she's not been on another series of the show to go make sure she's all right. Because no one else cares. I care. I found one blog about her and that's it. It's just me. I want to come.

That was actually such a beautiful story. Andrew. As the only male voice in the room, do maybe want to tone down the laughter? I'm so sorry. Wow. She doesn't even look like a tortoise anymore. what does she look like a triangle like a triangle just like a smooth ball oh if anyone

wants to see any more about this my Instagram stories does have a highlight called smooth sides which tells the whole story over the last four years when did you move in with Helen July 2021 okay and I have to say the first day I moved in was one of the worst days of my life. I was like, I've made a big mistake moving in a hell about it. So Neil Patel was over because he lives there. Mm-hmm. And then he invited over Jordan Brooks.

Okay. And then I was having a nap and then they came and woke me up. That's really fucking good. With another comedian Luke who plays Frank. That's illegal. And then came to my room and worked me up. No, go to jail. We and Sneal are in a bad place again.

Why? I think it comes down to thought. We had this. I always got to chat with him the other day. We will not be friends until Love Island's ended. That's just it. So I had two litres of orange juice. in the last 12 hours overnight.

Helen, no. And I feel really bad. Do you have the shit? Like, it's, there's something, there's like, you're gonna. The plug is in still. That's crazy. But do you feel like cold wise better,

stomach wise really bad. And then Sunil Patel came over my flat last night and was like, oh, stop eating orange juice, you shouldn't have sugar so late, she's going to get too excited. And then he was right, I got really overexcited and started jumping on Neil O'Rourke and Heidi Regan

and him. You know what? I put up two pictures this morning. That's what you've got to positive contributions of the world. But yeah, we put up two pictures. Who were the photos of? One is a painting of Mike Tyson biting off someone's ear. And the other one is a painting of Mike Tyson feeding pigeons.

You're lying. I'm not lying. Why do you have those? And where are they in your house? They're his. Where are they in your house? Hang up. Living room.

That's really nice. It's like the two sides of Mike Tyson. That's what he said. He wanted them next to each other because he's like, it tells a story. that's in your living room this is why you shouldn't live with men I went Friday night where that's

Finil Patel Oh yeah Yeah You're worried of him, you know him I did But he keeps He keeps avoiding my calls And he never calls me back

And then today he hasn't wished me a happy birthday I'm an actual birthday I got depression at the weekend And Snill said it did it to itself No I really can't be doing with that Shock him Like that's just not okay Absolutely shocking behaviour

What a horrible, horrible man Nobody asked you You're gonna fucking Like this guy? This guy. No. This guy. Also, shout out to the woman that does fuck him in that room.

It's got like literally just like pileys everywhere. A fireplace full of shoes and then three prints of nudie ladies on the wall. Who's the meal fucking? Like no one. No. My new obsession, I think you're going to be absolutely charmed by this, is riddling. Huh? I.

What is that? Is that sexual? Like just people reading you riddles. Oh, I thought you were riddled with something. And I was like, no, God, this was inevitable. I think I'm going to become. I'll be getting into it. The worst thing is, if I got riddled with something, it wouldn't be like a sexy STI.

It would be like worms. Do you ever when kids were younger and they like have worms and their shit? Do you want me to get some riddles up for you guys? Yes, I've got one or two for Catherine now. But no, you get some more up as well. Just so you know, I'm already on riddles.com. So I've already done all of them. Can I just say that I don't love riddles?

Why not? Do you like cryptic crosswords? No, I'm really bad at them. And as you know, I don't like to do things I'm bad at. But it's a combination of a joke and a puzzle. Yeah, I don't really like puzzles or jokes. It's the worst form of a joke, though. It is.

Well, what's the worst form of them? Sometimes magicians try to have banter, don't they? Oh, God. Does that count? No, listen, not to me. Go on. Oh, we know you love magician. Sorry, Helen.

Thank you, Catherine. Okay. What has a head, a tail is brown, and has no legs. This took me. Yeah, a penny, that's correct. That took me two hours on a train to Liverpool, on a train to Liverpool, two hours before I press show answer. No, it's an end. But what you're saying is like, dignity-wise.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. From our palms, I would be the dignified one of the table. You have dignity and I have ducks. You both have dignity. You both could have ducks. Oh, I get there. No, no. But you go about things differently,

even though you're very similar. And people that know you probably think that you are poles apart, but your actual basic makeup is very, very similar. You're very focused. You're very together. You're very career-driven. You're very emotional. You're both very emotional.

We're good if we cry and we send email. yeah you're both very um focused on what it is you want and why you want it the differences are smaller than the than the compatibility so the differences between you are less than the things that are similar are you serious she's a dragon and i'm a go yeah but you're both kind of drama queen she could eat you we're both drama queens that's true i also i do also think we're like empathic was waiting for affirmation there penelope i just go like it didn't you don't think I don't know, I was waiting for, I was waiting for Helen to say, I think yes, we're both empathetic.

I think we are. I think you pretend you're not, but you are. I don't know. That's crazy, isn't it? Both of you are quite Marmite, actually. Wow. I think that we're both universally loved. So I don't know where that came from.

I have said we were the Nutella of people. That's crazy to me. Nutella was out palm oil. Yeah. Yeah. Or like butter. Like salted butter. No, we're not.

We definitely are. I mean, every night we go on stage and I see like five guys looking at me like, fuck off. We are the marmite, for sure. But your marmite for different reasons. Your marmite, because you appear to really not care whereas you really do. And you are because you care so much sometimes.

But it's about different things. You know, it's work, direction, stability, career. Neither one of you should worry, actually, because your pathways are quite clearly. But what about our love lives? How are she going to get these fucking ducks? Well, you have to make different choices. And it's about, and the thing is everybody's got a type.

everybody's got a certain kind of person they go for. Yeah, I like people who don't like me back so I can fulfill my tragic narrative of being rejected. Yeah, that's why I had to take out my nipple ring because I couldn't deal with any sort of... I know, I know, I was fucking mignon, isn't it? Okay, first of all, this doesn't be like a safe space anymore, but second, it never did, and never...

She's bisexual. I had my nipple pierced, but I just couldn't deal with the upkeep. That's mad. Why? Well, you're not a member to take that. in the baby's just something. She could have been.

You don't know me. Oh God, that's funny. I wear a lot of this. You don't know. Sorry, so just to backtrack, you think that during the filming of Spice Girls, the movie. Yes, they had five real aliens.

At that point, like, in the script, like Jerry was going to go for a piss or maybe that wasn't in the script. But they just thought, we'll keep the cameras rolling in case anything happens. And you think by some stroke of luck, that they happened to catch a real, life aliens.

I think because it was such an, it didn't move the story along. And you're incidental. And none of them broke character. No one broke character. Well, they're not, they're in character because they are like, you know, Emma Bunton is baby spice. You know, she loves a chubba chub. Remember when we were in, we were in, we did like little tiny parts in Abfab years ago.

Yes, you did, you did. We did. We did. We did. I played, who did a play, Patsy's assistant. I was Bubbles assistant. And during that, the episode that we were in, Lulu, was also in. Incredible. And during the read-through, she came up to me after we'd done the read-through, which, by

the way, was incredible? We filmed it. We were doing the read-through in, was it in Pinewood, like in a massive studio? Or maybe it was at BBC. Yeah. And Joanna Lumley, absolute icon in this massive studio, just lit up a fag and just had it. And nobody said anything because that woman can do, she is like, she's like a goddess. You, she can do anything.

I feel like cigarettes wouldn't even make her. breath smell. She's incredible. Because she's just dignity. I've you seen that show where she gets her vagina steamed. No. Like on TV and I even watching it I was like fair play to you. Of course you've seen that. Fair play. She was a travel show and then she was like and we must do what the locals do and then she goes and gets her badge steam. So she's little she's got a fag on the go and then Lulu came up to me after we done the reader room was like how would you say my lines you're really good how would you say them and I was like oh just you say them how you would say them because you're saying Lulu so just say them how would you say that she was like no no no no you can

you say it and she basically made me say it and she repeated it back as Rose said it and I was like but I'm not Lulu you're Lulu the character is Lulu the character is Lulu we um do a compliment circle because I do actually have a lot of hatred towards you right now so we should hold hands hold on you want to hold hands for a little bit well done Rose That was really sweet. I do feel like my being here feels like has brought up something within this dynamic that should have stayed buried.

Let's do a compliment circle. No, we can't do a compliment circle unless we include Charlie. Am I allowed in this, Helen? I worry. You have to. It's a compliment triangle. Yep, turns out I'm in a high stress situation in life at the moment. I'm very, very stressed, hence where my body is falling to pieces,

and I've decided to combat that by watching Band of Brothers. The most stressful show. Blown up 24-7. Saneal is literally every single day being like, I think you need, supposed to be resting, aren't you? And I'm like, they're fucking killing each other. They're currently just in Holland. No, no.

It's only going to get worse. Sane. How fit is that cast, though? Don't. It's like they are so fit. What is it about soldiers, though? Because I don't find soldiers now fit. Oh, I know, but there's something about it.

It's just, oh, my God, and the vulnerability and just, oh, my God, they're all so fit. But is it the whole sort of like the best generation thing? I think it's the model good looks of the actors. Maybe it's that. I think it's the modern day masculinity. I think men of that time actually didn't have as perfectly straight teeth, as gorgeous skin, as chiseled, manscaped, beards or all that. I don't think that was actually a thing.

Yeah. But, oh, my God, they're fit. Also, it's really put in perspective on, like, how much of a rough time they had it in World War II. Yeah. Because you know when I watched 1917 last year? Yeah.

Have we started the podcast by this point? Are they an awful time of it in World War I? Oh, you know, people do know that. Yeah, I watched 1917 towards the end of the lockdown.

Was that news to you? Awful. Lads just running around. They thought they were grabbing some dirt. Guess what? Arm of their friend. Awful time. Awful.

But then you watch Band of Brothers. You're like World War II. They'd have learned because it's the second one. It's going to be better, right? They still picked up dirt. Terrible. Oh my God.

Absolutely terrible time of it and worse thing is they've got machine guns by this point yeah but not bulletproof fests which feels a bit stupid did you just find all this out I knew they had a rough time but Jesus Christ yeah also terrible time in winter yeah no okay they were freezing cold and if they lit a fire yeah the you know those Germans can you believe that you know everyone knows it was the Germans awful yeah awful no you guys are the bad guys they yeah we were we were but luckily the lads

are really getting in there to Germany and also you know when you're like I know the ending yeah sure I mean sure it's fun watching war stuff but you're like we win

no no the Germans didn't win no I'm speaking from the English side of me oh okay we won't right I guess you would have even though if you watch Banner Brothers it really looks like

the Americans won the whole thing but obviously obviously yes yes but seriously yeah pretty tough stuff that's just a serious moment yeah pretty tough stuff

turns out wars are bad oh listen tell me about about it. No, look, look, I studied history, so none of this is actually that's the topic. And there's been more than just the two. Oh yeah, no, yeah.

You know, they call them one and two, but there's been so many before that. Okay, listen, let's talk about... Afghanistan. Oh, my God, no, please, let's not. No, we're not qualified. War of the roses. We're not, oh my God.

Mad. That war in the Lion King when everyone goes to the hyenas. Please, stop, Jesus Christ. Please. Awful. I have a question for you. Peace, please. that's what I'd like.

Yes, me too. Can we just say that on the podcast? A bit of world peace, please. A bit of world's peace. Yeah, agreed. Thank you. Because we had time to kill and Helen and I just had to talk

but ultimately you have nothing left to say to each other because we know everything about each other and if anything we know too much. She lay in my lap and I stroked her five minutes. It was really, really comforting. Actually, it was lovely. But while I was down there, she, I guess, it's not apropos of nothing

because actually my head was on your lap. Helen just goes, what's the difference between lesbian sex and normal sex? No! where have I misquoted okay I feel like right the quote correct the setup unfair to me okay we were talking about how long lesbian sex is

and I was like thinking in my head in silence oh maybe that's the difference between and I'm thinking oh no I guess penetration no there's got to be more than that and then because I was thinking doesn't involve penetration think tongue and fingers and pegging right

I'm not being made to look an idiot right now. Pegging his butt. Pegging his anal, yeah. Yeah, that's still penetration. Yeah, but we can use dildos on vaginas too. Of course you can. Of course you can. I always, like, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun.

But then, because I was thinking in my head, and then because, yeah, I said normal sex. You did. You really did. I don't think of a way to make it sound better. You caught yourself, you went a normal sex, norm, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, just lady, man, sex. Homo. You're heterosexual.

Heterosex. Heterosex. Heterosex. Why are we having to explain this? No, I do know that. I know that. I'm just, I'm very full of juice. I've got a lot of juice in me, and I'm very confused.

You can do pegging. I could do pegging, yes. Yeah, I think you'd be good at it. You have the stature, don't you think? I definitely think I'd be someone who would get over-excited and forget the lube. I think you'd be someone who would get over-exited and forget the lube. Maybe, like, even if there was leave, you get over excited and forget they were a person. That's maybe true.

But you didn't answer my question. You just said it's long, lesbian. Yeah, I always, I guess I worry about answering the question because, one, I can only speak from me, so then it feels quite exposing. Two, people don't generally ask straight people to explain sex. So then I feel like I then get, like, a little weirded out that people are listening for the wrong reason. That's a good point.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, you do you feel weirdly objectified when you're talking about it? But, I mean, okay, let's get into it. So, let's explain straight sex first. I would love that, please, yeah. And you do gay men sex? Can we ask? Yeah, we can do a-

Okay, cool, let's go. But we are only talking about our own experience. Only your own experiences. Okay. So you meet them and then they disappear and you never see them again. That is actually the exact opposite of lesbian sex. But also knowing it is different in general with every single person. Okay, on average.

I'm not selling this to the closest minute. How long is foreplay? Andrew, go. 20. Catherine? 20 minutes of foreplay? Yeah, I'd say so. I bet lesbians are like two hours.

Not in my experience. Straight in? We get to the fucking pretty fast. I'd have said like five. I would wonder whether because like penitive gay sex is maybe a bit more like an effort, I guess. you linger on the foreplay a bit more more of a build-up. You've got to make sure you're like

rock hard and focused. Yes. I'm trying to build my concentration, yeah. Yeah, you don't have to be, yeah, I'd have said five, five to ten. Five to ten. And for the straights? What would you do?

Like hand stuff and mouth stuff is all foreplay, right? Anything before penitative sex? Yeah. Okay. Oh, if we're saying mouth stuff too, then we're saying anything before, wait, wait, wait, wait, that kind of like. Are we talking, so we're doing four-place far as just making our, making out, making out in handsies.

Okay, because that cannot apply for the grand event. Yeah. Anything before pants off. Okay. Oh. No, no, no. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Oh, so like up top. Before you head to the driveway. Okay. Yeah? Got you. Right. My driveway starts.

Okay, cool. So I got like a snail trail, right? Like those hairs that come under your belly. Okay. I'm going to say 20 minutes, 20 minutes to warm up. Fuck off. Never has I, have I ever, ever, ever had straight sex where there was 20 minutes. I will say that might come from big tip privilege that it does take guys in general about 10 minutes of, I love you so much.

10 minutes of what the fuck and having their fun. That does kill time. I guess it doesn't take so long to go, where are? Oh, there they are. That's cool. I like asses too. It's just, they, they, yeah, they need a little bit of time usually. That sounds nice.

It's, it's nice, but after a while you are just lying there going, yep, yep, my back does hurt sometimes. What a joy to be of such a physical wonder, though. I know, a physical mystery. Do guys ever get like, like if they use it like a weighted blanket, they just kind of get relaxed under there? What? I think I know what you mean. Like, do they put their head underneath it? Yeah.

And they get kind of so wrapped up in the joy of that moment, they kind of forget about the sex. Not as of yet. You really are gay. Yeah. I have no idea what's happening. So you never get under the boop and then just get sleepy. A woman's body is like a weighted blanket for me, I guess.

No, they want to like put it in their mouths and like play with it. And they love doing that schmushing thing. Why? Yeah, no, to be fair, I love. What do you mean why? Catherine loves it. Oh, you like hold them together and you really get in there. Like crangle it, like it's a child.

They don't do that. They don't do that. Like that. And then they rock it for a bit and you go, No, me neither. No, no, no, that doesn't happen. That's absolutely not true. Okay, but the main event, I'd say, for me,

I usually, in an ideal world, come first before I come and then we do penititive sex. Because I'm, like, properly naturally lewd. Do you take a while? It does depend on, like, the person. And also, like, where I'm at, do you know what I mean? Like, if it's, like, the first one of a while, then like not too long

but like if it's like the second round in within like a couple of hours like yeah yeah the juices the juice is running low not today though obviously I'm ready to fucking fuck with bits at this point

like an absolute pulp explosion for any of wanting specific visuals it's the Sainsbury's taste the difference freshly squeezed orange juice I really truly hate you I love you Catherine would never gag like that on the part No, I'm thinking about things that make me gag

And it's going to make me gag Oh yeah, okay Alright, can we all, sorry, can we just calm down We just speak Sorry, can we go Can we also make it clear? No spot shaming No

At the end of the day, what was happening in my ear Last summer in Devon Was a very specific carcophony of shit It was like, it was pulsating though I'm not shaming I didn't expect it to be out of the ear because it was already a little bit out yeah

and then it was just I didn't expect it to erupt that quickly I didn't either she was squeezing it was she was in there yeah I'll see if I can find the video when this comes out

and I'll put it on my Instagram the day and it gets released pop out of Patreon if you really want to see it if you really read it was welcome Poppy also.

Yeah, welcome. Welcome for me as this is perfect. Like, I love it. I kind of want to see it again. I know that's, but... I'm happy to send it to you. Yeah.

You can show again, show again this time. I'm not going to. You're at risk now, my life. No, no, no, no. I think you're at risk. Will sick ever come out with the gagging? Or it's just pure gag. I mean, like, it's happened before.

Of it? What originally, what I written that originally happened? Yeah, my origin story. Of my empathetic gag reflex. I'm an empath Me too I remember watching a

Tarant on TV years ago Do you remember that TV show? Wait, Tarant on TV Yeah, Tarant on TV Yeah, Terrant on TV I'm going to have to close my eyes When I tell you this It's just to control myself

And ground myself, right? But I was watching it, I was a teenager And, you know, there was loads of stuff Like, they go, oh, it's mad what they do in Europe, and then you see like a flailing dick doing a helicopter or something. Oh, Meetspin, yeah. That kind of meat spin, yeah.

But they were like, look at what these people do on German TV, I ain't mad, right? And it was like a German guy and like, hello, he was going and he was like, one of these like foxpops, people out of the street and he goes there, he goes, uh, he goes,

so, I'm so fucking excited right now. Okay, he's there. This is because of Taryn on TV. Chris Tartan has scarred me. Okay, so like, yeah, so the German guy is like, oh, to the people of the street. And he goes like, oh, would you drink this milk? And they're like, yeah, drink this milk for like 20 Deutschmarks and stuff.

And they're like, yeah, drink this milk. And he goes, and did he, D. Sorry? We have it. Oh, I like that. The milk was. was like two months... Sorry.

Two months out of date. Yeah. Two months... It's it. I shut the problem. So he did it. He got... I'm in a bucket.

They couldn't... They couldn't even pour out well and he did. They came out straight. Like it came... It came out as a solid bit. God, I'm not going to be sick. Shit! I'm scared it's going to cause a chain reaction.

I'm getting saliva in the mouth. Set a person. We need a siphon. We need a siph word. We do. Can I have a little piss myself. So the person, depersonated.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. The person, that's the last, I'm sorry. And then, sorry. And somehow, in college, like, we were all telling each other's secrets.

So there's more. So like, No, wait, wait, I need to get up to them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm at an angle where it moves, I might fit. So I've got to figure out a way now. Okay. But you'll know what's on YouTube, I'm on the floor.

And I've got my legs at an angle set. So I'm going to slowly stand up. And I said, just stop talking. Okay, you know what? A bit came out, but it's black jean. It's black jeans. The people are girls who are going to get a very standard. very stale smell for me. So...

Okay, sorry, so they ate it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, sorry. They ate it, yes. And so, in college, I was just chatting about, like, you know, what has affected you most as a child, and I was like, I got this one, told them that kind of did the same thing as what I did now, but blam it.

And I actually, like, followed through. And this is like, I followed through. And then anytime we had a house party or, like that at the house because these were my flatmates they would then go oh i got a pericter for you allison hasn't come over and then they would describe it to me in my new detail and they would talk about the texture and i'm sorry and um and i would follow it onto myself they would follow me and talk about it i used to trick and friends It didn't end well their friendship.

My trick is making my friend vomit. So that's what would happen. And that's, that really, I'm so sorry. I feel like, can we just take a fucking minute? Yeah, yeah. What did I say to you earlier? Bring a Catherine by more energy. Hold on, hold on.

Just so that I can get. This song doesn't exist. If it existed, I would know about it. Do you know what? I, it's called mini mouse. Oh, what a horrible. Here we go. Oh, actually, I love that.

It's a really good song. Look at her vaping. I wish. I love to take this picture. She's the woman of the ear. Minnie mouse. And the woman with the ears. Mimi mouse.

Oh my god. She's just a mouse. Just a mouse. That's a house. Just a house. What a house. Oh my god. I love Minnie.

me Hello Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Hello

Hogs it's Catherine and Helen and we have a massive favour to ask you we have been so fortunate to be nominated for the National Comedy Awards in the Comedy Podcast category

however as yet we are only long listed which is such a thrill but we are desperate to get on the short list so eager. And the way you can help us do that if you're a listener is to go to National Comedy Awards.com. If you don't listen to us on Patreon, if you don't, if you are wondering how you can support us, this is genuinely so easy. It's free and it would mean so much

to us. So it's National Comedy Awards.com. Go to the comedy podcast category and vote for trusty hogs. And also tell your friend, maybe share it online. If you could, we would be so appreciative. Either way, you have till the 6th of January and we are begging you to vote for these guys because frankly, we just want a night out. Fight for the pigs! Shall I do one as well? Yeah, do you want to do our version. We could do like an end of episode one or do it.

Nice, yeah. Okay. Thank you so much for listening to Trustee Hogs. Catherine wouldn't let me be part of the original Please vote for us at the National Comedy Awards because I suggested that the way we get on the short list is you cut off our legs. Lo, lo, lo, lo, so she loves it.

I'm so tired. Please vote for us at the National Comedy comedy awards on Channel 4 website and if you don't vote for us, I'll cry because I want to go to the awards with Catherine and be naked on the red carpet. Also, we do objectively just want to be told her better than other

people. We just need to be on the short list. You have to vote for us. You have to. You must. You must. My dad never hugged me. Thank you.