Trusty Hogs - Ep67. CHELSEA BIRKBY / Cuba, Clowns & Comeuppance

Episode Date: January 12, 2023

Chelsea Birkby joins us for the first Trusty Hogs proper of 2023 and what a treat it was! Chelsea is so so funny, the loveliest of humans, AND did tour support very recently for Helen, so she's got that on-the-road insight of Bauer on Tour. We obviously get into New Year's resolutions too, and solve a listener problem...FOLLOW CHELSEA BIRKBY: @ChelseaBirkbyThank you so much for listening! Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more! Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] Please give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socials Be sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Simon Moores / Guy Goodman / Mary Fox / Annie Tonner / Sarah Jarque-Deakin / Oliver JagoPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Karen & David Bull / Harald van Dijk / Eddie Doyle / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Jo Holmes  / Sarah & Molly  / Alex Pugh / Josie W / Amy / Cordelia / Raia Fink / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Sophie Chivers / Graham Marsh / Emily Gee / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Kie WebWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hi, Helen. Hi, Catherine. Welcome to episode 67. We hope you enjoyed episode 66 of the Best of Trusty Hogs. Hi, guys. I can't believe we're doing another year of this. What? I can't believe it.

What a horrible start? I just assumed by this point, all of our listeners would have been like, you guys go fuck yourselves, but you're in it for the long haul, and so are we. Happy New Year. Through the fog,

step forth the trusty hogs. Yeah, you're going to give them your problems, and they will solve them, or maybe they won't, and that's your problem. They'll have guests And Andrew White on the tech Oh

It's Helen and Catherine And the trusty hogs Trust the trusty hogs Or maybe not It's a horrible star Oh my God Jesus I'm ruining your favourite holiday

Well the thing is Okay, it's true I don't like New Year's Eve I don't like the first one I know that jazz But I'll tell you what I love is beginnings I love them I love new leafs

I love a new notebook I love a new diary I love starting the school year I love it all and so I feel like I have to be careful because I think that I've often been quite guilty

of like promising myself a new version of myself and I actually really really really am working on getting to like me as I am guys I love you she's in therapy

but I will say I absolutely adore a new year and listen we are at this point getting into January. It's almost done. I know that it's quite a dark and long month, but the way I love the midpoint of January, because then it's just

February, a very short month, and then we're springing. We're in spring. Basically, what you love is just sort of skipping out on the months to get to spring. I know what I'm saying is, I know that I just have wanted to say that I'm aware, so it's a very dark long month. So, well, the new beginning. Unless you're in Cuba.

Hey, shout out to our listeners in Cuba. Shout out to the people who are on the other side of the hemisphere. Hope everything's okay over there. I read some stuff. It doesn't I can see, listen, hang you. No, they're thriving. Are they? They are doing very well in Cuba.

I hope so. Cigars. Got that music, that music, that food. Famous Cuban music. Who's your favorite Cuban singer? So I'm thinking, it's my favorite. Havana, unana.

Is that not Cuban? I weren't part of my heart. Did everyone else when they first heard that? I think that flip-plop shop is not that good. I would not have written a song about it. We need to try. travel more. We need to travel. No, you can't, you only travel to places that are Disney oriented. When's your next holiday? I will have just returned from Disney World and I'm

dying. I'm dying. I have got a lot of holidays coming up. That's so exciting. So when you're listening to this, I'd have just go back from Disney World. This is too late to say it now, but there would have been a lot happening on Instagram stories. A lot of tears. I cannot wait to tell you all about it. My heart rate increases talking about it. I think that somebody's warning the staff that you're coming. Do you know that kind of way? Like, I feel like they need to know that you are like an adult with agency and that they can tell you to stop. The amount of people that said to me, don't, you, you're too excited.

I agree. And you're putting too much on it. Yeah, you're definitely, you're putting the kind of pressure on Disney that everybody else puts on family Christmas. Yeah. It can never live up to the hype. And it's because it's, for me, it's the most magical place on earth. So it will be most magical time constantly.

Yeah. But inherently at some point, I will be in a queue. Yeah, you're going to have to do. those and I'll get some food and I won't like it. Oh, I think

you'll like the giant turkey legs. Yeah. You love them. They've got spring rolls that tastes like cheeseburgers apparently like McDonald's cheeseburgers.

Who'd have thought it? No, it sounds incredible. What a bastardisation of a beautiful Asian cuisine. But we could, well look, why do Americans

have to ruin everything? They don't ruin everything. They manage to ruin the Irish accent. Do you know how hard that is? It's a lovely lilt

and they, they bastardise it every time. Whenever you say that, well i can think of as that s and l sketch yeah that's the dating the cousins one it's so funny you guys are the worst okay so by you guys i mean non-irish people hey um here's my question what what's our resolution do you get me um to go on holiday with kathwin oh my god i'd love that

we're gonna try to go to southern germany for your birthday i think we should do that i'm trying to i'm trying to pitch it to all of us to m andrew as well i'm thinking because i don't know if i want to do a big birthday thing this year so for forcing everyone to travel and celebrate me, I think feels like the right balance. Yeah. But it's only because I've got this tricky thing. I'm gicking in Switzerland the days leading up to my birthday.

We have the same toxic trait, which is no one wants to marry me, so every other event has to be treated like as big as a wedding. Well, I sort of want to go see some, like, things that I've always said I was going to go see and do and just haven't done yet. Because to watch me. Yeah.

Not because you think we'd all enjoy it. No, because you think it'll be nice. Because she wants an audience and she wants someone to clap and she wants someone to say, poor Helen, when it doesn't go well. We've never gone on holiday before, Catherine.

And it's getting mad because I have a feeling and we'll be like really good travel buddies for each other. I actually think we would be quite good. We're pretty organized. We love taking to a plan. Okay.

And we both want you to be happy. Yes. And I take a better photo of you than you take of me. So we'll bring em to take cute photos of me. Yay! Yay! But I was thinking, like, so I'm in,

Switzerland and then I could train up to southern Germany. Catherine and Em and Andrew could fly over Yeah, everyone understands international travel to southern Germany. No one thought we were walking. And then we can go to Schloss Noishfanstein aka Chitty Chitty Bang Bang Castle. Cool.

What a trip. I would fight you but I know what I've learned I'm not trying not to make the same mistakes again this year and what I know is that if you want something to happen I guess I'm going to pay for it so I'll be there. I'll be there. I guess that's going to happen. You're going to absolutely be charmed, I think. I agree. And for my birthday, I'd like you to not text me for two days.

No. But you know your birthday's a difficult day for me. Chicken's died. Chicken died bouncing. So I think this year, my main resolution is to travel with Catherine. I also want to get into conspiracy theories. Get into. You're in, babe.

No, no, no. Like deep. Yeah. You just mentioned my birthday being a top. time for you because two of your neighbours chickens died and you think somehow the birth my birth orchestrated a massacre of chickens or something. Not a conspiracy theory.

Right, if it just adds up. Yeah. Okay, fine, fine. But makes sense. Fine. Okay, so yeah, Annie, I'll start with my New Year's resolutions, shall I? What I have generally tried to do is, like I say, not promise myself a new version of myself. Okay. I am trying to do as alcohol free a January

as possible, but I'm learning to live in the grain, have some flexibility. So there is there are two events that I want to be able to drink on as I'm going to. One of them is my friend Georgie's birthday and the other is, it's at a wine club like I'm not going to drink and the other

is I'm hosting a dinner party and the theme is beige because my partner's favourite foods are all yellow and beige. I love her so much she's ridiculous. I was going to say if my mom listened to what I asked for it, oh God I'm a 34 year old woman and I was like, if my mommy got me what I wanted from Christmas then it will have been

it will have been linen napkins and if she didn't like she doesn't love me okay and then what are yours so mine is sorry

yours is to not drink but you're drinking on two days is to be flexible and I'm going to practice that way but also largely not to drink yes please because God I've drank so much pre Christmas

I actually my body hurt yes that seems not right no no I get it that's too much yeah And, um, look, our bodies are changing. This is the thing. We're getting older each year, but we're in that point of aging.

But nobody's like, but it's like going 26 to 27 isn't the thing. But in your 30s, like, I am playing a game with acid reflux that I did not know existed outside of babies. Like, and we're talking a game. Like, I cannot lie down flat at night. Dicey. Without feeling like I'm a cauldron bubbling over with a poisoned apple. Like, I've got an absolute mismatch. natural drugs at home trying to figure out how not to like feel.

But it was mainly the mold wine. My other resolution is to try not to measure my own life goals by other people's timelines. That's the, I totally get that one, but that's the hardest one. It's so hard. It's so hard. So hard to not look sideways. But also to be like, is it realistic? Like, would I like to have a baby at some point?

Sure. But if that's not now, then I guess I'll just find out if it's possible when I actually could. Like, first goal, be able to make enough money that I have somewhere that they could live. I think you're doing... Break things into pieces, you know? Very well. And I think baby can just live on floor of Flattie. I think no.

I think that also when you have to like ask, say like you want to adopt you, you have to ask, like, can you have one? And they'll go like, and the floor is where you're planning to... Yeah. Is it? No, I'll put a pillow down. Don't be a bitch about it. Babies love pillows. Don't be a bitch about it.

Don't be a bitch about it. Be a bitch, I bet. Give the baby a pillow. So your news resolution is no pressure, not baby, but think of planning ahead just in case. It's just, it's just trying to be a little bit more kind about where I am and not miss. Here's the thing is, I think I've been doing a lot of deferred joy. Like when I make this much money, I can have this kind of life. When I have this kind of body, I can feel this kind of happy. I've seen you do that with like finances.

I really want to go to this place. But like I can't until I've saved up this amount. And it's like, spaff it. No, not that. But what if I just like didn't miss the life that's happening which is pretty damn good and try to enjoy it where possible?

I know it's not the capitalist way nor is it really the like Irish Catholic way. We love a bit of deferred joy but I was thinking of just being like maybe trying to enjoy my life. Yes, yes, yes. Something to think about. Come to Southern Germany with me.

I also want to work smarter not harder. Sorry. I feel like you like read a magazine over Christmas. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I was home and I was like, Hello, Cosmo. Let's read it. No, but I do feel like those are good goals.

And stick with therapy and just be kind to myself. And now I'll hear yours. Okay, I will also stick with therapy, but I do think I'm towards finishing it because I think I'm nearly a all complete package. No, but I feel, I feel, and my feelings are valid. I feel that I've only got like probably about three weeks left. I feel like you've been ready to accept love into my life.

I feel like you've been given too many buzzwords from therapy and that's not the same as completing therapy. No, I think I'm nearly done. Yeah. ready to emerge into the world. I'm going to have a naked baptism when I rise out the sea. You have to go on three dates.

No, I don't have to go on three dates. Yes, you do. Three dates. In January, that was the promise to our listeners. I know, I know that was the promise to our listeners that I have to go on three dates in January. Are you on Hintz already? No, it is very tricky. No, it's not.

With Disney and skiing. No, it's not. You can put them all in one week. So they're all going in the last week. I love that. Oh my God. I keep forgetting you're going skiing. Don't.

Stop. My news resolution is to do new things I'm not happy to judge me for them I'm going to Disney World I'm going skiing I'm going to go to Schloss Noish-Fandstein and pretend I'm on cheaty-chie-bang-bang I'm going to go Cordova

because I want to see it Helen Have you ever skied before? Never, no, but I have been Donatting Are you going with other people who can ski? Everyone can ski Everyone else can ski

No, my friend Francis come, Francis no ski I thought you were going with your friend Helena Can't come anymore because Helena got a new job so they can't take time off over that period.

The Francis come with Little Helen. Okay, so you got to the second round of invites and I wasn't even on the radar. Okay. As if you'd want to come to a comedy festival you're not performing at in the mountains. I really wouldn't. As if.

Actually, that sounds terrible. That sounds, I don't want to watch comedy and I sure is fuck, I want to see. There's no way you'd come. You're right. You're right. That sounds hellish. But I think it'd be good.

We're thinking about taking a lesson. Apparently you can do like ski classes with babies. on the first, like, day. You and a bunch of three-year-olds. Yes. You and a bunch of three-year-olds and Gilles being like... Me and six-foot France is just like, whee!

Being like, no, you can't ski. That's crazy. We learned it too. That's so fun. I messaged Maisie Adam, because Maisie's going as well. And I was like, do you ski? And she was like, yeah, I'm going to my family over Christmas. And I was like, damn it, Maisie.

That damn it. But she was like, oh, my partner, he just took a lesson before we're going so that he can like practice. And I was like, I'm going to take a lesson before. I go. That seems like really good prep. Does it? Yeah, it seems smart to learn how to do the entire activity.

But isn't like snow different everywhere? So you have to learn on that snow. Because I was just watching Real Housewives of Salt Lake City. Sure, but they were saying their snow is better. Sure, but for example, if you were going on holidays and you need to drive, you might get the license here even if you're going to drive on the other side of the road, rather than be like, I hope I just have a license when I get there. No, I think it's weird to plan for holidays like that.

Like, you know, Emma and Ellie, when they went to Morocco, is the school friends of mine. Last year they went to Morocco and they went for a like traditional so they're called a Hammann that sort of like thing where you get the Savon Noir and it's like Hamam, yeah.

Hammam. Yeah, they went for that in London before they went to Morocco because they didn't want to ruin their tans. That's quite smart. So they got hammer. Not very authentic. And then went to Morocco and tanned.

And then they were like but we sort of had a full Moroccan experience we just did it in London before we went to Morocco. Oh God, I hate you for. Because they're smart. No, that's the most. English thing I've ever

We did the cultural activity here because we got the gist so we didn't want to ruin our fake tan What the hell To Emory Nellie, you girls keep it real That's some basic bitch behavior So I want to travel a lot You don't like to prep for holidays

When they're sporting based But have you prepped for Disneyland? Yes, yes, yes So you didn't think that was a problem So many reservations, Catherine I have crushed this down to a tea Jeannie Plus, you've got to get that every You know what, we're going to talk about this

When you get back Yeah, I just feel like You're so right Oh my God, I'm just so overwhelmed Okay. And also... So your New Year's Resolutions so far are travel?

Yes. I want to date properly and I think I can do that. I don't... Okay, I will do these three dates in January. Yes, Ellen. I do think it's just too much pressure. I also think people do need to send me

like hints and tips for dating or how to go over it because I just haven't done it in so long like not for like, there's been a year or something? I just think you need to go in with like these are singularly, I'm committing only to one date

with each of these people. I assume I will never see them again. I'm committing only thing you have to do is go on the day A waste of time No it's not It's practice baby

It's practice Don't you get better at wanking The more you do it Yeah Well then But I always want to hang out On my friends If I get a night off

Yes But you at some point Would like to be in a relationship Yes Yes And so unfortunately This is a necessary first step Why can't I just be in a relationship

With one of my friends Oh you absolutely can But it would be helpful I think for that friend that you have been on a date before them. Okay. I would also say this. As your friend,

I'm sort of sick of the Disney chat and would love the bad date chat. So, no offense. But, like, I think our friendship would benefit from you going on a day. But that's the main problem with our friendship is you love talking about love and dates and I just have no capacity to do it.

I didn't know that that was a problem with our friends. Are you kidding? Last week when we were in the pub was shelf. Yeah. And it was all dating chat and I was just sitting there. You love that. No, I had nothing to bring to the table. Okay, first of all, so what happened was Shelf and M and I explained the concept of the chart.

The chart is from the L word. If you're listening to this and you're like, I don't know what that is. You're either a man, in which case it's not for you, or you're our tiny baby lesbian who hasn't done her history. Just to be clear, I think every man has watched the L word. Yeah, that's not in the right way, but yeah. But what I'm saying to you is the chart we explained, and if you don't know it as a concept, it is they basically connected all the lesbians in L.A. via a chart through who had fucked each other. And Shelf and M and I connected each other

faster than even I expected. Like the speed of light. And Helen was fascinated. I was frightened at the table at first when they were like, let's try and figure out how we connect to each other because I was like, oh God, happens if something is unearthed and someone doesn't know something

and it gets really tense and we ruined. Because we had a cam and bear. We were having a nice time. And I didn't want the cam and bear to like be ruined by like lesbians crying because that famously can ruin it, right? No, because what you've got to remember about, you know everything.

We share and we also tell like, you know, like sometimes I I mean honestly with my girlfriend, I'm like you don't actually, I actually didn't need to know that one time you glanced at a woman in a supermarket 17 years ago. Like I don't but she will tell me every detail and I her so like

we just love, we like just to keep you in the loop one time I did think about this person in this way. My nerves were very much gone very quick when you were just sort of like, and then you made out with my girlfriend. Yes, we did it. We connected them in three.

And you were so happy. I was like, this is fascinating. And it is interesting. I will say this. It is very hard to follow it as an outsider because I am not on the lesbian comedian East London dating scene, which is a very specific pool, I will say.

Yeah, it's a weirdly large pool, I'd say. I'd also say this. If you, I think, the other thing is like women I like other women I don't really feel that way but all men so I like really like a lot of women

so sometimes when I find out my partner dated somebody who I wasn't expecting but I think is awesome I'm like I mean if anything that does makes you more appealing in my eyes like if that woman endorsed you

that's a good sign but I can't work out like a man's endorsement doesn't mean the same because you're like they would probably have just okay offence to men

Hello Hogs, it's Catherine and Helen and we have a massive favour to ask you. We have been so fortunate to be nominated for the National Comedy Awards in the comedy podcast category. However, as yet, we are only long-listed, which is such a thrill, but we are desperate to get on the short list, so eager.

And the way you can help us do that if you're a listener, is to go to nationalcomedyawards.com. If you don't listen to us on Patreon If you don't, if you are wondering how you can support us This is genuinely so easy It's free and it would mean so much to us So it's National Comedy Awards.com Go to the comedy podcast category and vote for trusty hogs

And also tell your friends, maybe share it online If you could, we would be so appreciative Either way you have till the 16th of January And we are begging you to vote for these guys Because frankly, we just want a night out Fight for the Pigs! By the way, guys, check out the extras this week. I don't want to over-hype it, but Helen Bauer let me set up her hinge profile.

It was the worst moment of my life. You hated it. I hated every second because we also got to see the prompts I used to have two years ago. It's the best bit is that it was unpausing, so I did get to see her previous answers. And boy, oh boy, somebody had a bad ear. But let me tell you, I nailed it. So honestly, I think it's worth the five pence. month. Go check it out. I answered all the questions

excellently. I had my life Apollo picture. That's what I'm going to. Oh, that remains a photo. I think if you did it, you got to show it off, girl. If you got it, flaunt it. Absolutely. But I honestly had a joyful time. The ecstasy in my voice, I imagine, will be palpable. I was having such fun.

And then... Join our date and journey on the patron. Yeah, I think it's... Also because as some of you will know, Helen has committed to dating three people in January, going on a date with three people. And consequently, we're going to see the ramifications or indeed proof of my wonderful pudding very soon

because, boy, oh boy, I think she's sexy as hell and I told them about it. Okay, great. We've got a date. Oh, my God, an Irish one was the first one to like you? No, I love that. I can spend my life competing with their mammy. Hey, we're going too far.

It's just a date. Okay. Do we bring on our guests? We don't have to hate his mother yet. I'm panicking. Can we please bring on our guest? Yeah, I'd love to. Everybody, please welcome to Trustee Hoggs.

Chelsea Buckby! Chelsea! It's Chelsea Birdby! It's Chelsea! Oh, hello, Chelsea! Welcome! Now, you were Helen's tour support. So my question is, are you okay?

I loved it. She didn't blink. She didn't blink. She didn't blink. She was in there like a shot. I did. You know I loved it. I know she did. I loved it. I cried at the end and then you hit me. Oh my God. What? That doesn't sound not abusive.

What? I'll say I loved it too and I loved Chelsea. There was just an incident. There was an incident on the final tour support day. I feel like you could tell this better than I could. You gave me a really beautiful present and card. temporary tattoos. You welcome.

She writes very thoughtful cards because she can't express her feelings out loud. They're devastating and surprising every time. Yeah, so I was really touched, teared up, and then Helen stood up and said, you said, I was disgusting, I think. Oh my God!

That's our girl. But we are working on that this year for me to be able to sit in sincerity better. So I'm sorry, I hit you, and I love you. Thank you. And for the benefit of the listener, I'm stroking Chelsea right now. Whoa.

You do a very strokeable look Cardigan. But also for tour support context, I know a lot of you saw Chelsea and I've seen her like over the years doing stand-up, she's an amazing comedian. But tour support, you finish before the other person finishes. So I had to go on and still do an hour and Chelsea's there crying in the back. Yeah, no, yeah, I get it. It's on me. No, I deserved it. It's on Chelsea, Chelsea's scum. That's on you. You shouldn't have given her the gift till after it. However, Chelsea brought us all such cute gifts. She brought us and M. We never get brought hair glitter spray

it's so good glitter hairspray it's so excited Helen not Helen no Helen no Helen no Helen no

okay okay well I've done it now Bad Helen Bad Helen Down down Stop Does it always When someone says down to someone

Everyone always says They think about dogs But do you know Have you guys seen Finding Dory I know Oh it's so good It's the sequel to finding

Nemo No we gathered that much yeah And there's well people might not know and um there's these seals in it right and they all say on a rock okay and then one of them's called gerald he's the silly one he's got slightly wonky eyes it's just a bit of fun really and he goes on the rock we didn't think it was a serious epic until you said this he goes on the rock and the other seers are like off off off off off and it's so funny and we laugh for hours i feel like that's you and senile's home life you sit on the sofa and he's like off off off off off off

Me and San Niel's language, we now use offy and roomy. I can't. I can't. But Chelsea now talks like this too. No, it's hell, you're contagious and it's so problematic. We're all adults. We're all adults. We're going to speak like adults for the podcast. You're not even an adult.

You're not even wearing a bra. Helen. Let me touch your lip. You do without asking. I would like to say this for this New Year episode as two women, Chelsea and Catherine, hold you handy, pleasey. Thank you. Oh no, I don't want to look at her hands, thank you.

Okay, well that's not the glitter hand. Chelsea's got the glitter hand. Yeah, you're really sweaty. I don't like. It was when you said, I love you. I think that my mom's, you were like, oh, God, she's going to kill. She will strike again. Sorry, they're really sweaty.

She will strike again. I love you both. I do feel like there's a tendency for us to think that I'm not an adult, but we're all adults. And there's a tendency for us not to think you're an adult. You behave like a child. You baby yourself. Because my primal zodiac says that I resemble a hyperaptic child. But it is something I think I want to look in this year with therapy.

Do you call it resemblance when you're literally doing the bit? Yes, but it's for some reason very comfortable for me to pretend to be a child, like little. For some reason. It is endearing. It is. You're paying all me to figure out for some reason why that's the case. But it does endear a lot of people. And I have side doing it and sometimes it's nice.

Yeah. You're the problem. You're the problem. You're feeding this. That's enabling her and that's not helpful. Oh, be nice to Chelsea. Oh, good. so good Chelsea and then no no don't laugh are you joking right into the microphone and go

poor poor me poor me poor me poor Chelsea no mine sounded more sickly yeah yeah yeah poor poor me but it's good because emotional manipulation is the best way to guide your way through life because people think it's education but it's not it's manipulation I'm exhausted to manipulate people you can constantly thrive and the only way to manipulate people is make them feel bad for you because it's like you've got to be the victim there are teenagers who listen to this podcast and I think that's terrible advice I just want to find that now My advice. While you're here, we're trying to engage in our new habits and a new beginning.

And I think this is sliding backwards for Helen. What are your New Year's resolutions, please? Oh, that's nice. Thank you. I'm going to, my New Year's resolutions are either to get Zen or lose your mind. To get really sexy this year. Oh, and you can't have it both ways, interestingly, no? It's possible.

No, fuckable and Zen. I feel like two very different vibes. What if it's like super fuckable but like not that attached to it? So it's sort of like fuckable but not wanting to be? Not not wanting to be but not wanting to be. Okay, so just describe this outfit. Yeah, I think I need like I. I feel like there's an outfit happening here.

It's less about clothes. Maybe, okay, so maybe I won't start doing the babyish thing. But I'm just going to be more sexual and more confident. I've started doing, remember on stage I started doing some lunges? Sorry, I just had a flashback as well. I don't think that you can be Zen if you're lunging on stage. I'm going to flag it. I don't think so.

It was only three lunges and they were really good. I think if you are in the Miranda Hart space, you can't be Zen. I don't think is Miranda Hart a famous lunger? I feel like she's more of a galloper. She's a famous lunger. Really? I'd say Gallup.

She's a famous lunger. Am I wrong him? Yeah. Okay. Do I need to find a new thing? No, no. No, God no. I'm not saying she owns lunging.

I'm simply saying that her space is not one I associate with the soothing or calm. What if I lunge and say, like, I'm here right now? I hate that. And I'm not sure where the joke is. But we don't have to work out your set right now. That's the only new bit I've worked on recently. It's lunging. I'm here right now.

And also, like, I was trying to write some jokes about despair. That's my new thing. And again, you think Zen or sexy goes with despair. I think so. I'm working it out. I can see it with Zen. then in despair. And sexy and despair.

I'm struggling with like a lotternet kind of way. Okay. I'm not quite sure what cultural... It's like a sexy poet. Yeah. Oh, the world. Do you think your fear of

the baby voice and sexy being a thing is because you pretended to be an adult baby for too long? No, I've only done that a handful of times. You have an outfit, babe. Excuse me. That's from a different... That's from something different and you know that. It's not.

I need context. You guys are sorry to say it. This is bad podcasting because you're being good friends and nobody wants to half your stories. Okay. Chelsea, please explain to us what happened at clown school.

Ah, it's my favorite topic of all time. You went to clown school? Two weeks. Two weeks of clown school. So not the full thing. It doesn't matter. It's enough to get me excited. O France?

Yes. Oh, desolet. Okay, go on. Have you done it? No. She would not thrive in that environment. Are you joking? Have we meant?

Okay, sorry. Don't you have to let go and find you in a clown? Yeah. Have you seen a look? She can't even let go with a cup. I'm so uptight.

I would hate it. I'd be like, what are the rules? How are we grading this? What's happening? Is there a testing? Why are all of these adult men so unemployed?

Like, I'd just be like, I'd have a lot of question. Maybe you'd love it. I don't think I would, maybe as an anthropological study if I could get some sort of PhD and sad boys, but I don't have any interest

for myself. They're not all sad there, are they? No, that's the worst part is they're actually absolutely fine. they've had every privilege in the world. They need to be sad,

so they've gone to sad school for clowns. It's quite happy. It was a really horny place. Oh, I bet it was. I bet it was. And it was more like actors than comedians who were there. That's nice. That's worse.

Oh, nice. Yeah, that's nice. It was different. They were way more like comfortable with people than comedians were. And like, when we do exercises where you have to pair up, they would just be really comfortable touching you,

but not in like a creepy way. Wait, you don't think comedians are good with people? Not with physical interactions. That's so true. I've hit both of you. And to be fair, you tried to hold my hand or and I was like, no, touching me, thank you. I don't like holding hands or not knowing where that was before.

Yeah, I'm more of a cuddler, I think. But you're very touchy. Am I? I think you're a cuddler. We've cuddled. But we've just lasted for him from clan school. So go on. So then, like, when you first go up and you meet Philippe,

Filippe Goliere, like he'll get you to stand on stage and chat for a bit with the clown nose on. You actually get a nose. Can you believe it? And it was during COVID time. to buy though. No, you can't. It's not the same. Sorry, go on. But it was also in COVID time, so we also had a mask on. Sorry. Are you telling me necessary services ground to a halt, but clown school persisted? Yes. Wow. Summer, summer 2021. Yeah. That's okay. I think it's fine.

It's the year after big COVID is when we all figured out that it wasn't like real. open everything else up Go over conspiracy series now, man Okay, sure, yeah People were waiting on new knees But I'm glad you got your nose Go on I'm feeling judged

Don't, not by me, not by me Oh, you're too supported by her So I have to be a counterme That's actually true That is really true And I do, I appreciate it But I think people go to client school Because they got too much love from their parents

So I'm just trying to offer another way My parents loved me but like very And love me like But the thing is it's unconditional And that's what I said Yeah, special Yeah, too much But not in particular, not for any particular reason.

So they don't care if I'm funny or not. Chelsea's parents are really lush. No wonder you ended up a clan school. So you go and stand up on stage there for a bit, and he'll just ask you a series of questions. So he was asking, what did he ask me? He just asked me about, like, my boyfriend, what I studied. And then after that, then he asked you about your boyfriend?

It came up. Do we think that's kind of creepy? Yes, it is kind of creepy. But I think he's trying to figure out when he asks people these questions of what they're uncomfortable with, because if you can kind of end up playing with that, maybe that can help you find your clown. He's never, like, said as much,

but that's the feeling I get, because he would assign people, like my friend, did you meet Lynessa? No, but I heard a lot about that, yeah, yeah. I have a friend called Alyssa, who we met at clown school, and she went up and she was assigned, is this too personal to say, but anyway, she was assigned a fuckable brothel owner.

But I think it was partly because her discomfort was like... Sorry, was anybody else assigned unfuckable brothel owner? Well, sort of. Yeah, Chelsea. So I think he chooses something you're on, comfortable with. And because I was coming across a suite, then he said, do you want kids? And I said, I don't know. And then he said, oh, that's a shame. And then he bangs his drum when he has the costume. And then he went, baby. And he assigned me the costume, baby. And then he said,

with a nappy. What? It was awful. It was so awful. He's, he's getting paid to live out his own kinks by rich English kids. It's amazing. No, you don't think it's kinky for a man, I assume twice your age, to hand you a baby costume and say, with a go back to school deliciously with Whole Foods Market wake up with low-priced 365 by Whole Foods Market

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for back to school at Whole Foods Market in store and online Happy. I didn't hand it to me. I had to go and find it in Paris, like the shikest city in the world. I was calling up the costume place and I was like, do you have any baby costume?

They were like, what do you want your baby to wear? And I was like, no, no, not for my baby. For me. And I was trying on a bonnet when this really handsome French guy came. Like a six-foot baby, just for me, just for me. But I'm with you. It's creepy, it's creepy. And as soon as I bought that, I also bought some nice lingerie.

balance it out and to be clear not to wear a tool together. Separate. Clown. Yeah, but you still bought them on the same day. Yeah, but they're completely different. You know how much the creepy clown man would love to know that you bought your baby costume and then went to buy lingerie? Then separate things. Ah, it's working. I look at the different thing I want. It's a different world

clown school and the importance of finding your clown is everything. And my clown, I think, is a baby with a knife. Yeah. Ew. That's so scary. And then you have to go on stage in front of everyone and pretend to be the character. The clown you've been given. So it's a costume, not a character.

Oh my God, I'm so sorry. That's it. What? So when you put it on the, the tendency is to like then start acting like whatever your costume is. But actually it's just a way to help you like get, I don't know, loose and silly. Because clown isn't actually about pretending. As I understand it, I've only done two weeks, but isn't about like pretending to be silly.

It's like you are trying sincerely to do something. It just reveals you're actually like truly an idiot. So you don't have to try to be stupid. You just are. So you don't pretend to be a baby and I think that would obviously be disgusting if I pretended to be a baby If you went on stage and shit yourself, yeah

Yeah, which I didn't do Just took over, but like I've not shit myself since six, four, okay Hey, we're proud of you! I haven't shit myself since I was 18 That was a one-off as well Yeah, well I would, I'd need no

It wasn't like a week of it Sorry, I don't want any further detail I didn't want to share them, I'm sorry I did want to say it was in my 20s, so it's chill Yeah Ask question, you don't have to answer this Two weeks at Galleon. Yes.

How much does it cost? $2,000 euros. Oh my God. Catherine. Is that for accommodation as well? No. You have to pay for accommodation as well? Yeah, but it's in like, it's not actually in Paris.

It's like village outside. It's home. Yeah. It's in a town. One year at drama school. Oh, I got a, um, birthday. Sorry. Yay!

Sorry. We want to see a queen winning. Sorry, I got a birthday. I genuinely think I thrive at clown school. Me and Chelsea spoke about this. But per week, drama school is cheaper because it's nine grand for the year. I don't think I do well at drama school. I think I'd be too, like, what am I going to do after this?

Will I be an actor? I think at clown school, because you can just go on the streets as a clown. I don't know. I've not done that. Also, I want to be clear, yeah, I went to drama school for a year, and I went to a drama school from a summer spent in a mental health institution. And they were not different enough. Well, I would say, it wasn't, because also other people there studied musical theatre

and I hate musical theatre students because they sing things you could easily say. And consequently, you'd be like, can I just get past? They're like, you're going to get past? And I'm like, I actually... You are just saying things to hurt me at this point. But that's the same in the hospital. You'd be like, can I get past?

Do you want to get past? No, Catherine's not in the right here. Listen, all bad. But did you do some like, as freaky stuff at drama school. Yeah. You mean drugs? No.

Do you mean an orgy? No. Like, not a baby costume, but things like that. Where you have to do something. Do you have to pretend to be an animal or something? Because my friend went to Rada and she said she had to like, they spent a term where they'd just kind of crawl around. No, I went to Central for a year of acting for a screen.

We didn't have time to be an animal for a month. We had to quickly get to our eating disorders. Everybody hate their body. Let's get on course. We used to do, obviously it's not drama school or clown school, but at the Ambao School of Drama, we would do warm-up games. And mainly it was based around breathing into our diaphragms. But then we do those like sort of ones where you're like clap in a circle.

And the best one we did, oh my God, if anyone else knows this, or all my mum made it up, it's called cat dog, okay? And I'd go to Chelsea, this is a cat. And you'd go, a what? A what? A cat. And then you go, oh, great. And then you give it to Catherine.

to say to cats from the same time, this is a dog. A what? A dog. This is a cat. This is a dog. A what? A what? A cat. A dog. Oh, God. So good. This is a... This is a cat. A what? A what? A cat. A dog. A what? A cat. A dog. A dog. Oh, no, I lose. And then you get thrown out on the street and I'll just participate in the class anymore. Oh, because Helen always wins. Because the has always wins. That's amazing. I want to be clear. I'm not judging you. I paid nine grand to learn zip, zips, boing, or whatever that game is.

That one is very tricky because you can also do the blocks. So then it's got to go the other way. It's sort of like Uno with humans. Yeah. Do you fancy any one at drama school? Of course. They make you emotionally vulnerable. Tell you everything that's wrong with yourself.

And then they let you loose with like men in their 20s who make you feel even worse. Obviously, I was like, I want everyone to fancy me and I fancy everyone. Although weirdly, everyone else was like straight mainly, which is weird. You should have gone on the musical theatre programme. Well, no, I had sex with men instead. I had sex with men, and that was nice too, I guess. The best year of your life? The greatest year of my life.

Can I tell you my least favorite drama game they used to struggle with at college? So for A-level drama, so hard not to find out how you shit yourself for A-levels, but I'm not going to... I know, we're all being very dignified and not asking well, don't you. Just know that I text hell and after. Okay, amazing. I will say this. The worst one was when they would do, like, do you remember stick in the mud? you'd have to like, they'd go it,

and then you'd have to, like, freeze like this. Yeah, and they go under your legs to get that. No, it should be under arms. Because I've got a lot of space under my legs people to get under, which is super easy. Yeah, but you're not getting under four people's like. There were like five foot two. How the fuck am I fitting through that?

Yeah, that's crazy. So I would basically just like not save anyone that everyone's like, Helen's not helping. And it's like, I don't want it. I'm like, oh, I don't fit into your fucking leg. I've got a broad bag. Also, you have to open them wider. We'll just like have them really tiny.

and it's like, you're not, you don't deserve to be saved at this point. God, that's really, that's brought back a lot of memories for me. Yeah, this isn't, like, home as well. This is, no, no, this isn't, at the Anbauer School of Drama. We would line dance sometimes, but not that. No space to do stick in the world. Helen makes the rules of the Anbaro School of Drama. I wish I made the rules at the Ambauer School of Drama.

I would have got a lot more solos. I'll tell you that for nothing. A lot more. Solos, was it musical? No, like a, like a, like a, like a monologue. Okay, maybe because you didn't know they were called monologues, you couldn't deserve one. No, but you can do a solo speech and drama.

So you can do like a solo poetry reading. You can do solo prose reading and read out of a book. God, it's no, it's not really a mystery as to how you became a stand-up comedian, is it? I know, it's not. Hey, here's my question, Chelsea. You were mentioning earlier, I hope it's okay to say. We are three women in therapy.

Yeah? We all like our therapist. I love my therapy. Go team. Oh, you said it differently. Did I say, I've said love before. Chelsea loves her therapist. It's fine.

Okay. He's fine with it. Is it appropriate? No, he says no. Oh. No, therapist says no. Amazing. That's another reason why I love him.

Yeah. Because it's their forbidden fruit. He's so distant. Stop being so cool, Mr. Therapist. Okay, well, my question is, do you think that you would be helpful if we had a listener problem? Have you learned enough in therapy?

Yes, I think I can solve this problem. That was a pause, and that's okay. I actually respect that you thought about it. That's something I'm learning to do in therapy. Think before you speak. Okay, this feels like you both aimed that at me, even though Chelsea didn't say anything. That's just how it felt, okay?

I do think before I speak, that's the problem. This is with thought. Could you imagine if I removed it? Oh, God. Hello, let's have a problem. Do you have this? My friend said she thinks about her sentence, like she can plan the whole sentence in her head before she says it.

No, I can't do that. No, no, no idea. And that's where we're all committed. Okay, yeah. Yeah. round corners. That's like my one special skill is if I'm walking down a street

I can see what's happening on the other side of the corner. I can visualize it perfectly before I turn it. It's really weird. Are you saying you're psychic? I can see around corners. Are you saying you're psychic? Yes. I can see around corners. I really can.

I think it's dangerous to have that belief. I agree. I agree. I believe at 120%. I can see around corners. I can complete boppet every time. It cuts out at 250. Holy shit. That's not bad. I think mine's cooler, but that's pretty cool.

Her's is real. That's so cool. Mine is real. It's not dangerous at least. Chelsea, that level of dexterity and you're not a lesbian. I'm by. Hey. I'm glad you to have you on the chin.

What's your special skill? Sorry, and then the listener problem. Yeah. I can make it. Keeping things nice. Oh, that's a great. Thank you. I can.

And yes, keeping things. nice and on time. Catherine doesn't get muck on things, which I think is a special skill. That's really special skill. Like I've already spelt coffee down myself during this conversation. It's so much muck in the world.

It is mad. The amount of muckiness just around. Sorry, carry on. I'm worried about you using this. Oh, so I really appreciate this gift. And I don't know that I'll ever use it because I don't, I think, and would you have,

I feel offended if Helen takes my glitter? I wouldn't feel offended. I thought you might like it because I think if you was glamorous, but then I also thought you might dislike it because it will get everywhere. I love that you think a glitter spray is glamorous. I'm sorry. Isn't that there's like... It's glamorous if you're...

I think it's glamorous if you're nine. No, no, I love it. I love it. But even I would say this is like... So there's glamorous, which is like Chanel and chic. And then there's glamorous, which is faggy. G. L. A. M. And you've gone for the Fuggy Glam.

And I appreciate you. I do. But I have carpeth and an illness. Yes. And so while I thank you, I hope you don't mind if I... I have a great grumpy Sunil Patel at home and he's going to get sprayed. I don't mind at all. Hopefully, one day I'll find the right present for you. Oh, you don't have to do that, but you're so sweet. I'll tell you this for nothing. Helen, not here. Not in here, Helen.

But it's so beautiful. When people have it on, I think you'll understand what I'm mean by glamorous because it like shimmers as they move around I don't know yeah it's on oh god you've got a weird like silver section great I'm a glittery princess I have no doubt that I would think it was glamorous um from afar oh I'll tell you what would be glam a bride with glitter hair gel in yeah that's though a bride walking down I'm a princess just I don't know if you're joking anyone this is like when I learned that going to like a calvary was a fancy. Okay.

We have to respect Chelsea's Milton Keen Roots. I also will say this. Carverie's not as biggest thing in... That's a lie. Carverie is actually just fanciergeer in Ireland, I think. There's a special birthday treat

to go to Toby Carverie. We don't have Toby Carverie, but it is a solid, like, lunche. I do think... I personally think Carverie's more glamorous than glitter hairspray. Whoa. Where do you stand on this? I love both, and I also, but this is, this is up my street, you know that.

Like, I gave you transfer tattoos so you understand the sort of level of, like, glam that we both believe in. Oh, do you think that transfer tattoos are glamorous? Yeah. I'd say they're fun in a throwback way. Really? This is glamorous in like a red carpet way. Okay, now you're being a bitch. Sorry, you don't think this is throwback?

This is throwback to primary school for me. No, Finn. Adults can do it too. And yes, and the transfer tattoos. She said in the baby shop cost costume shop. You're a... Assals can do it too. Wah!

I hated the baby costume. But now I don't know what to do with it. It's under my bed. If I die, you have to tell people it's for clown school. It's not a sex thing. I think it would be cool to say it was a soul. I think that's a couple. Okay, listen to a problem.

You have enough of fun. If you die, I will be coming to your funeral very sparkly. I'll tell you that for nothing. Yes. Okay, ready? Yes. Oh, she dies. You could spray it in your tear ducks and then your tears get glittering gleam.

Dog. That is glam. G. L-A-M O-U-S-O-U-S O-U-S Sorry, M, we would love to hear this path Trouble.

I'm so sorry, you're a sort of sweet soul and you've come in and had nothing but abuse. Go on. I'm sorry. This is from O. Hi-o. Hi-o. Dear Catherine.

Hello. Huh? Andrew. Andrew's not here. Andrew? Kelsey hates Andrew. Haking the day. I hate Andrew earlier.

I had to go. Why do you hate Andrew? No, I love Andrew. I was just disappointed not to see him. And I lashed out and I said, I hate Andrew. Good for you. I see why you guys are friends now. Chelsea arrived and was like, where's Andrew?

And I was like, oh, Andrew's not here today. Just when I hate Andrew. I think I might have done that to impress you, Helen. It worked. My clip was a fucking, it was honestly like a fucking stick of rock. Oh, my God. Stick of rock. Like a little dog's penis.

Please start a little. Okay, stop out. Yeah. I don't feel well. Okay, here we go. There's lots of praise. Do you want to hear the praise, or should I skip to the problem? Always.

Okay, just want to start by saying how much you will brighten my day every Thursday morning. I've just seen Helen on tour, photo is inserted, and yes, I do look extremely stressed. After giving her the unintended evils, I was too nervous and didn't actually say anything. So can I just say now that your show is amazing, and I love the podcast and you both, both so much. Oh, my God, thank you so much. It felt pretty, hell and heavy on the praise. I love that. I love to.

If it isn't that beautiful, you brighten people's days. on to say I saw Catherine on tour also in Bath and I was crying with laughter at both gigs. That's good. That's good. You pulled a back aisle now listen to your problem. You guys have really helped me through a weird period in my life. I've just graduated from an English degree, dumped my toxic best friend and started midwifery degree. Here we go. Okay. I'm in. Are you in Chelsea? I actually love her. Where I completely feel out of my comfort zone and I'm so, so worried I'm going to fail. What would be your advice for this? The imposter syndrome is real and has two talented boss bitches I want to know how you fake it till you make it

and how to be your best support and not your own worst enemy I wish you all the best and hope that I can surround myself with people like you I've not had the best luck in the world with friends as moving home dumping my toxic best friend who cut me off from all others and all my mates from home being all over the country doing their thing I'm feeling quite lonely and overwhelmed okay oh I want to pick them up and bring them here for a cuddle I know I know I am I I actually think, I mean, Chelsea, would you like to have a go at solving this first? No, I'm going to think about it for you.

Oh, God, you're so dignified, apart from the hairspray thing. It's glamorous. G, L, L, L, L, come on, get a grip. Okay. I actually think that in many ways O has done a lot of answering and solving in the email, which I think is interesting, because I think you've identified that it is imposter syndrome, not that you are going to fail not that you should fail

but that you have a false impression of yourself and that you need to be your own support rather than your worst enemies I think that's like a really good place to start from honestly all I want to hear about is how you break up with your talk about. Yeah obviously I'm getting to it I'm getting to it

but also that's well done that's so brave it's so scary to break up with friends so scary I like to fade out I don't even like to do the breaking of them very impressed well you tried to do it once and you were like so upset for like two weeks off Yeah, hell is. It's devastating.

It's really hard to do. So what that tells me is that you're very capable and also a boss bitch. Also, I think doing an English degree, completing it, well done. It proves you can do a midwifery degree because you have the capacity to focus and get through something. Also, no offence to midwives, but like, don't we need those? Like, don't they kind of have to pass you just because, like, who else wants to look up goodgers? You know what I mean? I don't think that's true.

I think you still have to. I think you have to pull out like five babies before they give you your part. I think loads of people Pete the kind of people who say like oh it's a high bump it's a boy or midwives you can do it really I don't really know who midwives I'll say this

shout out to midwives sorry it's being offensive I'm tired I'm not oh no one of my cousins did mid-hipry training and Catherine's having a breakdown so I'm going to take this one I think that's for the best I think I made some errors in there number one please write back into us to tell us exactly

what happened with your friend I want to know what they did what you thought and how you remove them from your life. No, it sounds like they cut her off and you let me know as well. Yeah, but we won't know

but like, like what happened? What happened? I think it's interesting. Those friends who are like, I don't want you to have any other friends are toxic as hell.

Is that what you think happened here? Yeah. And I think like that's the kind of thing that Francis would say to you is why I don't think you should see them anymore. Fwant Fidth.

Yeah, I just think that they are not good for you. I love Fwantz. Yeah. And I think Anna Grant would probably agree with them and so like again I just think you should cut these

people out of your life. And Emma Black's a bitch, so maybe just like, cut them out. Oh, you only need me. Chelsea loves Emma. I was joking me too. I was doing a bit about how they, oh, forget it. Everyone loves Emma Black. I'm wasted here.

I did like the bit. I appreciate the bit. Just sweet Emma Black. Let me be clear. Do you remember when I shouted out Emma Black from the stage, but I don't think anyone responded. Yeah, Emma Black was in the audience at one of the tour gigs. And Chelsea went, and Emma Black's here and wave.

And they hadn't even met yet. And then that was the same one where I was like, are we going out after this? And no one said anything. Yeah, and the whole audience were like, no. That was so cute. The last one of the tour. And I always said,

this has been a dream being here. And from the wings, you were just cackling. Oh, yeah. She also went, this tour's been a real dream come true. And she just had like a shit meal with me in the back. And I was like, ah, ha, ha. But you were like, she already getting teary. And I'd really misjudged it.

I thought you were going to say she just had a shit gig, which is so much worse. It was my best one. No, no. She just died. die on her all. Kelsey was great everywhere. Like crushed it to a point

was for straight-in. Yeah, you did say that to be fair. It was really funny. On the tour, Helen came in and was like, probably picked somebody too good to do the George support. Because what you want is a soft landing,

really. But you want them to be like, oh, well, one day, they'll... Actually, Catherine fired me halfway through tour supporting her. What? Yeah. Because I hired her to,

I thought she was going to introduce me and then she did so badly the first time I was like, no, I'll do it myself. I did the same intro I do for myself. I can't hear you. But Catherine. Like creepy, creepy, young, they were like, we can all hear you, we're all adult.

I'm working on one of those. Yeah? Do you think, this from backstage, are you ready to laugh your socks off? It's not going to work in the summertime, I'll tell you that much. That's so funny. Are you ready to laugh your socks off? I can't hear your toes.

Buckle your laces. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. Get those Toesies movies. So cute. That will work really well, I think. Thank you. That's so high.

Ed and Britain. Oh my God. Okay, so, but truly, I genuinely do think you can do this. And I think that I know you're lonely now, but I swear to you, being lonely is better than feeling lonely in the company of a toxic person. And you have every capacity. Also, like, I want to say, I have loads of great friends and I've had some bad friends. Like, one, it's not an indication of your capacity to judge people.

If you're a trusting, kind, open person that will lead you to good friends, but it also means you'll occasionally be susceptible to people who aren't worthy of your time. I'm going to suggest a vision board. Um, I think on your vision board, obviously have a picture of a famous midwife, who I would say is Florence Nightingale. Was she not a nurse to soldiers? No, I think midwifery, actually. Was she? Um, I think so.

I think so. Yeah, you might be right, actually. I thought she famous. Well, then who's a famous midwife? We didn't know. Mubbs from Holby City. There you guys. Picture mubs.

None of the cold of midwife women? Oh, they were very good now, weren't they? Yes. what were they? Brian E. Hannah and Miranda. Oh, I'll shout out of Miranda today. Or Courtney Kardashian.

Remember when she just took the baby straight out? She just pulled it out. Was that with Mason? She just pulled it out. Yes. Yes. Okay. That's your vision board for that. I think friendships as well. Let's just quickly address the failure thing.

Failure is inevitably a part of life. I want to be like, oh, no, no, no. You'll fly through. It'll be amazing. It does happen. It's just so important to remind yourself that everyone has. failed and it's so easy to only see successful people and the worst thing about the

stories of failure you hear are inevitably from people who have now made it and they're telling you sort of that time they failed but it's in a context of like well it doesn't matter because it all worked out but it does for everyone everyone has the most ridiculous failures like I've shit myself Chelsea shit herself Catherine well different but at the end of the day I failed a university exam Catherine, oh my God, Catherine failed a university exam. And then, do you know what I did? Me and Catherine are constantly going for additions and jobs that we don't get.

I did what you would do, presumably, which is retake it and had more time and was less ill and got disordered. Yes, you can retake things. It's never your last chance. It's something. Like, friends will come and go. You will find your tribe. You're in your early 20s, right? Is Owen their early 20s? Yeah. Like, it does take a bit of time to find those really close friends. like I think you can have someone that's in your life really closely for a year not everyone sticks around but like also you're brave you did the breaking up but you also have done a university degree and presumably all the pressures are going like so what are you going to do with this university degree and you've gone oh I'm going to take the information I learned during

that which is that I want to do something else and apply it to the best of my ability and start another degree that's and you can teach all those babies English like so good you know That felt weirdly colonialist. Yeah, it really did. It really did. Oh, yeah. Oh, babe, you should be learning English. The Queen's English at the moment they're out of that con.

That was such a random left turn. It was like, and also they can all be English. I think I was still nodding from the last point, but I'd like to clarify that was in the previous point. I would like the video nod to be removed. But I feel like that was like because of the English degree. You know, but still. And then Chelsea.

Oh my God, you could go on one boon every minute. Maybe we could let Chelsea have a go. Okay, yes. That's nice. Thank you. Well, I think breakups is such a powerful time anyway because you've just left a friend relationship and a boyfriend. I forgot about the boyfriend.

Was there a boyfriend? Was there? No, no, sorry. It's just, um... They were just repeating the toxic friendship. Oh, my bad. As far as I know, there's no boyfriend in my way. Kelsey made it over dramatic.

I was thinking of a different scenario from my life. Hey, you could have just broken up with your friend and your boyfriend and you haven't. So that's already good news. But breakups, I think, are a really powerful time. Agreed. To end something. because usually there's still good stuff there. Like even in the toxic friendship,

there would have been good things. That's why you're a friend in the first place. So to know this is not enough for me anymore and to leave it. That's a really powerful time. That's a cool point. So I actually don't think you're at a time of like failure or endings, but beginnings.

Yes. That's the theme of today's episode. Is it? Yeah. Yeah. And then the other thing about like fake it to you make it. One thing I've started doing is instead of faking it because that just makes me feel really anxious

when I'm like pretending is just to completely own with where I'm at. So Alex, my boyfriend was making fun of me for saying stuff like her. He says, I say more than anyone else he's ever met, I'm afraid. Yes, I love that. That's so honest. To just say however you're feeling. Like, I'm nervous.

Or like, I'm confident. Actually, that one's not very believable if you say I'm confident. Only in your voice and accent. But it's not. But like, it's okay to not always be faking it. I think it's what Chelsea's saying that's correct. 100%. But also, I think it's really reliant.

relatable and I think at the point it would you say, even as you said that, like, I'm afraid it gives other people in the room to go a permission to say like, oh, me too. Yeah. It's almost like everyone who takes an exam is afraid. Yep. Do what? Can I, don't say that if there's a mother having a tricky birth.

Like, I do think we're caveating this with us being scared to go on a stage in front of some people in like Bracknell. And I think we just... Bracknell's kind of scary to them. But like just as a caveat. Why you're doing it? There's a woman who's having a very tricky birth. And you turn to her and go, I'm scared.

Helen. And Chelsea's trying to finish your sentence. Sorry, Chelsea. Oh, that's okay. No, no, no. No, more hairspray. No, I love the hairspray, but I'm scared of it getting on stuff in here. Oh, dear.

But go on. She could say it. Like, why you're doing the course? Because I didn't know what I was going to say then. I'm kind of distracted by the glitter spray. But in a good way, no, enchanted by the glitter spray. Gee. Because it's so glamorous.

Oh, my God. Hey, M. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate you both. But I think you're right.

Like it fully, if someone just arrives, like, as they are, says how they're feeling. It does open up, like, allow other people to do that. It really does. Yeah. But then I have taken a detail with it. It went too far when I didn't want to pretend, you know, in a conversation with a group of people, you're sort of at a party, but you're not in any of the conversations. In that, in that time, if I can't join in, I would just look at my phone, but almost pretend to look at my phone, like, it's not for any reason. And I decided, I'm not going to do that anymore because I'm not going to fake it.

But then instead, and I was really proud of this and told me. my therapist but I think it was actually quite strange I just thought well I'll just face the wall for a bit because then I'm not oh oh are you listening oh don't do that sweetie honey baby oh oh oh face the wall and say I'm afraid don't don't do that this is so sweet no no no no no no no no no no oh do not face the wall I didn't walk over to the wall I am afraid do not that's like I didn't say there are two different occasions I was not

afraid when I was with the wall. I am not afraid. I was comfortable. I'm saying I am a wall. You're having a moment to yourself with the wall. I'm comfortable and confident. I think. Yeah, we're definitely giving a mo, oh, some mixed things here.

I think be honest with yourself and people around you. You don't have to fake it till you make it because you've already made it because you're doing what you want to do. Friends will come and go. Congratulations are getting rid of toxic friendship. People don't do that over an entire. a lifetime. So good for you. And I'd say vision board. Honestly, I think vision boards are coming back in. I also want to talk a little bit about imposter syndrome in the sense that like, I think women are

burdened with it more. And I think that in general, what's useful to do is like ask yourself why everybody else deserves to be there more than you do. Like if you're trying your best, you pay your fees. Yeah. And you want to be a good midwife. That's exactly who I want to. be training to help me birth. Like that's, I want somebody who wants to be there and who's trying their best and will repeat things that they have to learn them again. But I mean

the idea that anybody would be there being like to be honest with you, my worst case scenario as a midwife, of a midwife, is somebody who walked into medical school or midwifery school. I was like I belong here. I was born to do this. I'm like, that's an insane. I don't want

that person anywhere nearly, actually. I'd like that person to go away, please. So there's that to really question the negative part of your brain that's kind of lying to you about your worth but also I think this is important just like it doesn't go away like I think you kind of have to

sit with discomfort and sit with the fear as well as like because I think there's a part of my brain that wanted to rush and say yes and if you say you're afraid then it'll kind of go away but actually it doesn't things just get a little bit the more capable you are the bigger the challenges you're given. So I've never

really been able to get comfortable in comedy I I don't know if you find this word like some things are comfortable one day and then some things aren't like the hardest thing on tour for me was when we got told I think as my agent or so another comedian said quite earlier I might have been you even you even to like take like to tell people if they wanted to say hi and have a picture at the end of the gig to say that on stage that wouldn't have been me okay it wasn't you someone else I don't think you're photogenic so I didn't do it for like four gigs and then we got the courage for me to say it and like it was all fine and then I just couldn't do it like half the time and it's just it's not a big deal but for some reason it felt huge I wouldn't have told you that

because I actually don't think you have to do that that's kind of intense I think I just thought it was you because at Lester Square you were really good at doing it so I was like you forced me to have a photo shoot at the end only because you'd said

you kept shouting please play play she needs this anyone who met me after the tour show and was like Helen was thriving I will when it's actually happening like it's the before it like happens

if I ask people if they want a photo and then everyone goes oh no you fucking mung a munt a bitch but it's not like that didn't happen it didn't happen

but it could have done but also like we're scared because their job we do is kind of like terrifying in terms of like you don't want to embarrass stuff in front of a large group of people

whereas O is scared because what they're doing is actually important and I think that's much more worthy and being scared is just indicative of the responsibility

you're taking on it's hard as well babies are so slippy they're so because they come out wet and they're like covered in like fluid

so you got to like clamp on but they're just wiggling I don't know if that was specifically what she was concerned about I don't know that's I was maimed

is it that like she won't catch the babies problem solved that's a new format point I'm really enjoying it so Chelsea where can people find you was that I did the hair flip

too soon I liked it it was like you're like kill me Who me? Where could you find me on social media? Yes, please. I'm at Chelsea Berkby on Instagram

and I have Twitter but I'm not very good at it. I think they should follow you on there anyway because you never know when you're going to have your comeuppance on Twitter. My comeuppance. What's the comeuppance?

Comeuppance is like coming up. No, no. It's like I'm being cancelled like someone's outed something like. You're finally getting your comeuppance for a bad behavior. I hate when I ran things like that and I'm 31

because it's like how many times This happened to be with the word chode. Chode. Someone told me it meant a Victorian. No, a Viking plat. So I told a guy like, he looked really vikingy. So I was like the exact type of guy who would have a chode. Did he cry?

Yeah, he was quite upset. Sorry, Johnny. Yeah, I must have come up for you a lot because you went to uni in York. That's how. Because I said, what do you call a Viking plat? And somebody just saw the opportunity and they said, it's called a chode. And they never saw the outcome of it. They just knew they'd planted it.

What an absolute genius, to be fair. To be fair, that's genius. They need their comeuppance. They should have their comeuppance to follow them on Twitter as well. They probably have a chode. That's probably why they needed to do that. There's your comeuppance. I honestly think if I had a penis, I'd have a chode.

Do you think? Like, I have that vibe. I wish we hadn't thought about it, but yeah. Picture it. I'm picturing it. Thank you so much, Chelsea. Go follow Chelsea online. And you've all watched their show.

It's amazing. Chelsea's amazing. She's so funny. She's gorgeous. She's incredible. It's Chelsea Backy! Thank you so much to our incredible executive producers to Guy Goodman to Simon Moors to Mary Fox

to Annie Tonner to Sarah Hartgate Beacon and to Oliver Jago we are so great Thank you so much A massive thank you too to all of our producers to Richard Bicknell to Elle to Richard Bowles Neil Redmond Victoria Hutchison Emma Walton Karen and David Bull Harold Van Dyke Tim and Dom

David Walker Rachel R Anthony Conway Sadie Cashmore Clare Owen Jones Jess and Nick Zoe Sarah and Molly Raya Fink Cordelia Rachel Page Helen A

Tina Lindsay Graham Marsh Emily G Amy O'Rearden and Abby Worf Thank you all so much And thank you too

to everyone who supports us on Patreon who gets us who pays for the extra episodes we are so tremendously grateful and also I think

honestly for a fiver I think an extra extra episode a week is worth it