Trusty Hogs - Ep69. AISLING BEA / Waffles, Wonder & Winston Churchill

Episode Date: January 26, 2023

Aisling Bea joins the Hogs today! What an exciting guest and an excellent episode talking protests, parents, and potato waffles. We solve a listener affair problem & Helen cuts to the heart of life as an Irish woman...Aisling Bea is a superstar BAFTA winning comic and writer known for This Way Up, 8 Out of 10 Cats, QI, and starring opposite Paul Rudd in Living With Yourself on Netflix.FOLLOW AISLING: @WeeMissBeaThank you so much for listening!Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Simon Moores / Guy Goodman / Mary Fox / Annie Tonner / Sarah Jarque-Deakin / Oliver JagoPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Karen & David Bull / Harald van Dijk / Eddie Doyle / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Jo Holmes / Sarah & Molly / Alex Pugh / Josie W / Amy / Cordelia / Raia Fink / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Sophie Chivers / Graham Marsh / Emily Gee / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Kie Web / Matt SimsWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Yeah, I started. It's episode 69. 69. What, what? Finally. Do it, do it. Do it. Do something great. Episode 69.

Oh, oh, oh, oh. How do that boys put a shift in? How do you figure it out? I don't know how to do the dick stuff anyway. Who's taller? You know, he's a hyping at the end of the day. It's confusing. You're going to give them your problems

And they will solve them Or maybe they won't And that's your problem They'll have guests And Andrew White on the tech Oh It's Helen and Catherine And as the trusty hogs

Trust the trusty hogs Or maybe not Episode 69 of Trusty Hoggs Welcome and oh my fucking God We have truly got today Like I guess too, when I started comedy I was obsessed with her every move and every word, I still am frankly, but it was

cool to know her well enough to not be weird, I see. You weren't weird, you were so chill. I don't know. I love Ashling Bay. I love Ashling Bay. It's Ashley's fucking B. It's so exciting. She's on our episode and we're so thrilled and she's here and we hope you enjoyed and if you don't,

what's wrong with you? What is wrong with you? Look, we chat with Ashling and then we solve a problem like, what more could you want? What do you want from us? Episode 6, what do you want? I'll tell you what we want from you though Yeah, oh actually, could you?

Could you, would you? Would you please? You must, you simply must. Do you mind, actually, to mind, could you would? Because the thing is we were, we've been long listed. Longlistings is fine, is good. It's not enough. It's not a sure list. You know what I mean?

Like longlisted for the National Comedy Awards.commodic.comedya. And... Very nice. On the channel for website, National Comedy Awards.com.com. Yeah, and listen, there's a long list. And we're on there with a lot of other people and mainly their bigger podcasts, I'll be honest with you.

But we got Ashley for you today. Millions of followers. We've on 69 episodes. and we've got Ashton B for you today so maybe you could pop on there maybe you could pop on there twice if you could make a new email address and pop on there thrice

who's to say but if you could vote for us at least once at not National Company I've only voted once do you reckon I should get another email address? I know that you have more than one email address so you could at least use the ones you have what was that when I set up during Giglis called like Pokemon something

I don't know or care but if you could vote for us on our own pod could you? Could you? Could you? Please. Would you? You must. You simply must. Thank you. Thank you. Enjoy! Hello, Ashlingby!

Hi, Ashley. You're so happy. You have a little time I do, which is like, oh, it's January. Yeah, I don't. I'm trying to, um, dopamine dress. And so it's kind of like dress with the attitude you want. So here I fucking an and my positive jumper.

You wear a fan knickers. Fun knickers always help me. No, the knickers are actually now that I think of it, I haven't, these are, very like they're like they're holding me and they're like there you go I've always been to the detriment of my sex life with men kind of like

this is cotton for a reason I love that you know that that's exactly what the lesbians want just to clarify with men the women are like yeah really because men I'm always like a bit kind of like oh I'm disappointed there isn't a sheer bit I'm like well you know infections aren't disappointed they're delighted when they see

cotton full pant do men know the word sheer sheer sheer Men know the word sheer. They know the word sheer. Carragans. And we're off. And we're off. And we're off.

And we're off. I have never had a guy complain about underwear. No matter how. They'll never complain, but you see from their eyes the way they light up what it's like you don't complain with a free meal, but you know what it's like when the meal comes in. It's brilliant. Yeah.

Their eyes by comparison. That's what it is. But I refuse to make the effort. Oh, wouldn't it be fantastic? Oh, yeah. Like, I've, at a certain level, I was like, or sometimes I would say maybe go, I'm just going to go upstairs for a cheeky little wee.

And what I actually do is I go up, take off the cotton bits, put on the bits that are not good for sort of infections, and then come back down and go, yes, this is what I was wearing the end. So I try as well, but I just do a thorough wipe, a thorough wipe. You know what I mean? Because I want to start with the licking out.

So it's like, if we are very wiped, then they're happy. Do you know what I mean? Wow, goodness. Or if you put a hand sanitizer on their tongue, save yourself. job. Could out the middleman,

Hellenbor, could out that middleman. You're a fucking genius. Wow, that was actually... I'm not a scientist because I didn't go to school for it, but...

And I've got a pump at home. I could just pump it in as they're right. Poor men. That's what they're getting served and they're going to think it's a whiskey. I have to say, I think there's sort of a middle ground that's nice though, where they're, on the one hand,

yes, their eyes will light up at a certain degree of underwear. But I think if you go too far, if you do like a body suit or something that looks like has ties of any kind they will then be like this is a riddle

is a challenge or I think the fear would be with me which would be a fair enough fear that oh am I going to have to watch a show now and you're like yes make them laugh right here we go best song to get undressed to

because you need a bit I think if you're a funny person you'll still need a bit of like a lull about it you can't immediately switch to like ha ha ha ha No, seriously, or else, you know, so I think something like pony, like the classic stripper one was like, jump on it. Let's do it. That's nice. Okay. Because that's the one. And then it's kind of like a ha-ha, but seriously. I'm still stuck on the premise, which is that like I'd be encouraging them to look at me while I took my clothes off.

Something you know you could do it to like to a nice beat, because yours is fun. You're like a fun undressor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have to pose the action. No, I reckon I'd go for like a really intense movie soundtrack. but it's just the point I contact since the list probably yeah yeah yeah or Jurassic Park that's nice

that's great that's great my first thought was who let the dogs out but that feels that feels aggressive also not you that doesn't feel like you I would love the Baham and you

just live in your best lives with my tiny tiddies being like oh my god who who oh I would love love that. But also they're out. You won't be able to see from that far, but they are out.

Yeah. And they look like to a little dog going, ooh. Oh, I would really... Could you do a good wannabe from Spice Girls? Like, if you want to be my lover. I think that's so far down feminist lane, that the men will be kind of like,

is this just for you or was there any purpose of this that would be supposed to be for a cis straight man? I have to agree. Could you try and manipulate them into feeling bad for you? Also, I try to pretend that I'm 17 when I have sex. I have sex so that was my give away my age four someone genuinely don't make her shake her

got COVID in their lungs at the thoughts that that was my age look at my jumper I just skateboarded here all the way from North London I don't want you guys I am here's something Andrew

Andrew would you do a shaggy it wasn't me well no here's what I was going to say is I don't know can we just go back to the premise which is that like Would you actually, like, strip for someone? I have done it before, yes. It's great. That's so hot.

Honestly, if you commit to it, but also it's the same as stand-up, like the idea that you go out and you go, I've got a microphone, you just sit there and I'm going to tell you what just happened. We all know it's not. We all know there's a, and the only thing is that we both make a commitment that you're going to give yourself up to this and I'm going to really commit to the idea. And you know, like, the days you feel low self-exempt. self-esteem and you say the exact same joke and it does not work because you've just got low self-esteem and you haven't committed to the idea that you are funny enough to be paid and you need to dance hard enough like you should pay for this in another world you should be like you know who let the dogs out who who who and you know you should be going yeah too right this is my money song yeah you've never stripped no I'm a woman who falls over from standing quite often so the idea of

sufficient coordination to get tights off in front of someone, trousers off. But that's where you plan the outfit. Right, okay. That's where you don't. Oh, tight, yeah, you don't do anything. You need like a bit of a balance on. Just zip.

Or get them incorporated into it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A bit of a crowd play. Where are you from? Have you ever been to Manchester? Let them do it. Let them be part of the bit. Yeah.

Okay. Wait, now it feels like you're stripping on stage in comedy shows instead of in front of sexual partners. Oh, you haven't seen any of my new material. And now? Really unfunny. I'll be there. I really hope one of our listeners

is there at a new material show of yours and the music just starts playing. No, she's going to do the bit. I get, here it comes. He's welcome. Catherine Bohart. Who let the doors out?

Who? Who? Who? Who? Also, I do, can I also say it feels a little bit like in a lesbian dynamic. Okay. There'd be some...

Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. What can I say? Pushing it on us now again. There's two brards to deal with. This is going to be difficult. But may,

I say, simply that. You know, like, okay, so the thing that you have to worry about a little bit when you're dating a woman is like, I tend to date quite androgynous women which I personally like because it means that when you go out, you're not like, they don't look in this, they haven't dressed

in the same category as you. Oh, that it's not Destiny's Child and the mother did the styling. Well, this is it. Can you keep up? And they're all wearing a version of the Yeah. And so similarly, I guess my concern with the stripping is you strip. and then they're like,

and now I'm headlining. Like, what if they do better than you? Oh, interesting. You're being observed in a female body by a female body. And you turn off the music and plug it and go, I guess it's broken. Like, there's ways of manipulating a situation. But wait now, as in you think that they might go,

you think that's a, you call that a knife type of Steve Irwin type of thing. This is a bra. Yeah, I guess the worst case scenario is that they do an incredible strip tease for me. You know what that actually would be able to. You get a nice strip tease. And also it's about knowing,

isn't it about knowing your partner and you've like tailored to perform. for them and it's about it's about the slow turn on it's not about kind of like what do you think of me new bra like it's a lot more

I do I am often guilty of saying how expensive the laundry I've just put on it yeah yeah don't you dare rip this off now we could have had a nice dinner at Noma or something for this I know what Noma is

but yes I laugh I do you know what I said Noma and the only reason I know that what Noma is is it's just gone under and it was what the new movie The Menu is based off because my friend wrote it and he based it on Noma Noma is that restaurant which is a kind of like

almost parody one that was in I get mixed between Scandinavian countries and our friend Brona will laugh if she watched this bit I'm going to say Norway but it could be Sweden or Denmark Listen, or Iceland or yeah who knows Yeah Brona has Just to sidebar it for a second

One of Brona's siblings lived in one of those countries And I added what I thought was him on Facebook but was actually, say if her brother lives in Norway, I added someone with a similar surname to her in like Austria or Finland because like, you know that because I got and I'm like, oh, friends with you

and they just accepted me and I don't know who they are. That's so funny. And so because it was I got the wrong country. By the way, I completely understand and I do think that the Scandia countries cannot be told apart. Similarly, these two same women and indeed Brona if you even tried to accidentally confuse us for English people would, I assume.

Yeah, exactly. Kill. But of course. Of course. Well, that's just British women, though, isn't it? What are they? All them? What are they? Just a bit of fun at the end of the day, though, isn't it? Oh, it's all just a bit of fun.

I can't say anything nowadays. It's banter. About Scandinavia. They've got the monopoly on everything. They have. But there's no matter. It's a restaurant in Scandinavia, which is one of those places where there's only like 12 seats and everything's foraged from like a forest.

And I tell you this much, the price of knickers would barely get you in the door for a water. So my whole, like, my whole. whole metaphor didn't work something came out but it wasn't right and I regret I'd like to publicly regret nothing

I regret everything every single day I wake up regretting whatever happened the day before all I do is this is not a good advert for the scripties

three women I feel it feels like Joe and the first people you speak to are an audience yes very much so oh my God and it's like

I will be like no sorry did I say that I meant to say that what did there just before Christmas I did a gig and Felicity Ward was at the back of the

And I went, oh, this is the first thing I've done all day. And she's like, okay, but well, you're going to be fine. Don't worry about it. And I got up on stage and I went, hello, I'm Catherine. So I'm Catherine. I said my name twice. And you're just practicing speaking. Hello, hello.

Hello, my name is Catherine. Hello. She's terrible. And I was like, isn't getting terribly? Especially if you've been on your own in the house, like even if a Jovova witness comes in, they're even like, no, sorry, I'm not here to like. I was here to try and get you on board, but it feels like you're trying to get me on board.

No, just stay, because I have a gig tonight and I want to talk to you. I'm going to do. I love the idea of you guys warming up on Jehovah's Witnesses, knocking at your door. Oh, I have done it there. Like, have you heard about Jesus Christ or whatever the message is?

And I'm like, yes, tell them me more, but can I interject at times with a couple of gags? Because I've been a little bit lonely in the mouth. I don't think Irish women should be left by ourselves, to be fair, though. I don't think. Ever, ever. It's not right.

It's not right. We prefer to have five co-dependence, I think. Otherwise, yeah, we get a little... You know the way you have to let a Guinness settle. That's what you have to do with my words. For a while you have to let it settle and then later on top it up and that's your pint. Yeah, it's a very...

Again, a very... I'd say that metaphor. It's a very good analogy. Is it though, Catherine? No, doesn't make... I can't what you mean to be... No. But was it sweet and culturally relevant? Sure.

Did we have to question it? No, we're having a nice time. Are you having a nice time, Helen? I'm going to say this is a little bit too Irish for me to follow. But I feel. like I'm doing my best. You are. You're doing so well. You're like Winston Churchill. Thank you. Is that a good thing?

No. It's hard to know. It's all riddles. Ding, ding, ding. That's a third bad metaphor because I don't know what good things. I don't know he ever sat down with some Irish people and listened properly. I, by the way, also didn't even think that we were culturally that. I mean, I know we're culturally different in that. You're the bad guys. We're the good guys. But I don't, didn't know, really how many references we don't have. I did, I played articulate. Listen. Can I be honest?

oh it's a game you'd love you describe a word the other person guesses what the word is but you can't mime or say the word obviously so it would be something

like... A very articulated that was. Indeed. Well, look we knew we were going to this party where they were going to play

we were going to play articulated so like any good lesbian couple we practiced in advance while we were on a romantic holiday in Paris because Catherine will fucking win she will win

when in doubt are you competitive yes and the worst part is actually the worst part is actually the worst part is I have so few talents so I am constantly the most competitive

and worst. You would have been great on something like the traitors because that embraced people who were competitive but didn't have a talent. Yes, and similarly. She would get so teary on the traitors. You couldn't handle emotionally, you'd be a mess. I'm so personally invested unless she was a faithful. Yeah, that's true.

I think you'd get me. Came last, competed so hard. Competed more than any of it. I was like, you were terrible on that one you. I'm great that, so I will talk about it. And so we were practicing. And in what I realize is there's no common references. So I get this word. Let's see if you know this, Ashing.

I was like, what is St. Patrick banish? Snakes. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. With a magical pipe. She was like, what the hell are you talking? I'm leaving.

Okay. No, no, no. He banished it with a magical pipe, though, didn't he? No. With the good word of Jesus. Oh, my God, Helen, you're coming across real silly night. Oh, the rats. That was us, though, wasn't it?

The rats were us. The rats were us. He were the snakes. But I was like. She was like, why wouldn't you just say reptile with no legs? Why wouldn't you just say like Slyther? Yeah, yeah. Oh, because you, and also it's like a first brain.

Yeah. I think maybe I did play this game, but what do they call it in America at Christmas, like at a Christmas party. Makes sense. And it's the stuff that would like just come up the bot and everyone would know what it was, but I was the same. It's like your first brain, exactly. Yeah. So Route 1 and another one was like a fashion designer has a name of a Pope. John Paul.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, I love this game. Yeah. Oh my God. Do you ever want to play couples articulate because I think we would smash it. Oh my God. Amazing. She was like, she re-hulled. She retells this story. I'm backing Ellen up 100% on this. And I was like, that is every Irish person. Every Irish person would get that. Thank you. Yeah, you really helped me out. I can even, if someone tells me their name is John Paul, I can normally, I was like, oh, you were either born in 1978, 79 or 80. And or if your name is Sean Paul and they're like, yeah. And I'm like, and you've either an Irish mother or. an Irish father or a granny and they're like

how did you know and I'm like deduction my dear man and if they don't have a foreskin they were born in like 89 in the university court hospital wow very rare for an Irish man not to

but there you are that just shows the age of the men that I've been sleeping with because I was like I've never seen that despite being a teen yeah hey listen despite and that's a brother this is probably a good time

for me to ask all my Irish questions this is very confusing Go on ask this Irish teenager Any question you have As long as about Jedward and PlayStation Okay You're so hip Is this a TikTok?

Am I in it? Favorite PlayStation game Crash Bandicoot No Great answer It's a great answer It is for the name Favorite member of Jedward

Oh their third brother Frank They have a name No obviously the best one's Tara Reid Don't you just love that they live with Tara Reid? What? They live with Tara Reid. No, they don't. They have done for years.

It's my favourite fact about Jedward. They all live together in L.A. What? Andrew Google back, because I feel like Catherine might have read that on the internet and it's not true. Google away. Why is Tara Reid invite them in?

I think they're probably... Once you invite them in, that's like... That they're saying. That's a thing. They can enter it whenever they're like... Do you know when the Queen died the amount of people that found out she died because of Jedward because they were the first ones to tweet it.

They were already on... online and they just tweeted it immediately and the amount of people that were like, oh my God, I can't believe Jedwood broke the news. How am I finding a time from them? It's their favourite. Wait, wait, here we go. One of the Google results is, is Tara Reid going out with Jedwood? Yeah.

But yeah, they all live in there. Here's my boyfriend's Jedward. Wow. They make TikToks together. I fucking told you, I deserve an apology. Say. That feels really heartwarming to me. Because it's like, if it's like a month or two, it's kind of like, oh, is that for online purposes?

If they've managed to be flatmates with such large personalities for that long, there's a sense of gorgeousness and kindness to that. And can I just say that Jedward come across as very kind men. Boys and boys and men, boys to men. And have never been cruel, have always spoken out against the right things. We're kind to people all the way through. No one ever talks about them as being problematic or anything like that. I think there's a lot to be said for kindness over coolness guys.

Hashtag follow me on teen.com word slash the post. importance of being young. I think what everything's trying to say is in a world where you can be anything, be kind. And Edward. No, no, no, no. Okay, no. No, no. It's be young. Young. If you could be like, say, you know, famous and mean, be kind. If you could be like

wealthy and I don't know, young. Yeah, young, then be young and then try and be kind. Really? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I watched a film with Owen Wilson and Julia Roberts. Oh, yeah. What was that one? Thank you very much. It's on Netflix. And I don't remember what it's called It's got a son who's got a face deformity in it Oh

Wonder, yes Apparently that's amazing Very teary, incredible Actor is the same one from Room The Little Boy from Room, isn't it? No! Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's Jacob Tremblay Whoa, she's in London

Somebody works in the industry That fell to me like I was like And you've lost your hat of pure joy What just happened? I know a fact. But this film is so emotional. It's so emotional. And in it they say

in a world where you can be anything, be kind or something like that. And all the kids go, oh. And I was like, ooh. And it's incredible. That's how Ashingby reacts to knowing a singular fact. I really want to quiz with you.

Rare that it happens. It's like levitating by the end. Did I do it right, Catherine? I want us to play articulate, but I don't have it. I've got heads up. No, we don't have time and also we do have to do

a listener problem. But I want to play heads up. I think Ashing will be really good at advice because you have... Don't make her be the mum and you be the daughter here. You both have to have equal responsibility over the format guys. Wow.

I need you to both feel that. My God, American Ashting's are very intense. Okay. An Irish ashton's not intense. You know what I'm saying? Oh, an Irish as actually very intense. Yeah, if you saw what time is it now?

Like, I don't know, three to seven. I should have something between that. 3.42? In the lightbox, no. But, yeah, very intense person. Surprisingly intense, I think, is some of the reviews of me and meeting me personally. I don't think you can be a casual person and a comic.

I don't think you can get up there and genuinely think yourself worthy of the time nor spend the time investigating any thought for long enough for it to become a joke or like a bit. It's just Irish women. It's not a comedy thing. You think you're cast?

The state of a lot of you. Why would you say that's a sudden? What's me? Why? The whole bunch of you is pure madness. You're just running around screaming all the time You're actually very intelligent And then you

The xenophobia pouring out of you all at all point The English is the most intense thing of all time Like you make us feel like your friends And then you just say something casually Like well you're all evil And that's what your grandparents did to us And it's like I don't know how you can know about it

Well no half German half English So half great Half great Half great Half great Wow I think as a group Irish women

Are up there as the most you know what I do I do remember doing this St Patrick's Day gig at the Irish Embassy in London and it was myself and we were hosting this and the year beforehand I had been outside on the street protesting for abortion reform

and I did and I said and it was a new embassy of a gorgeous man called Adrian who became the new what's they called ambassador for Ireland and London and I did think isn't this just a classic Irish woman

that like you're outside going you're a disgrace the way the Irish government has behaved it's disgusting and then a year later go oh yeah

I expect to be hosted and fed the next year inside like it says that like and with no less like no apology me coming in we're like

let's go let's go for you the woman who was like about to throw an egg last year sure was like no

but like screaming and shouting and having allowed to changeable. I expect every view to be taken with the same degree of the same

reality actually and that's fine. You're very good hosts. Yeah, obviously. But the bitterness of hosting without being appreciated is also very intense.

Oh yeah, yeah. Oh my God. You know I can't win. Like I was ready to sort of be up in arms once you kind of started this trail of thought and I've yet to disagree with you.

It's so absurd. I love Irish women as well but I feel like you were trying to say it was a comic thing but I think it might just be like a cultural. very deftly observed because you can see the two of us are like listen you truth-sayer you better cut out telling us a truth than seeing us so deeply but be grateful for all we do

because we sacrifice everything for you all points that's true we are as a group of women I think we predominantly give everything of ourselves without ever having been asked in fact often told to not one to and then immediately become resentful of the lack of appreciation We're good, yeah. Wow. I see it. Hey, let's help somebody else problem, shall we? Let's get into the potato famine now and how you deserved it.

No, I'm joking. Let's do a list of a problem. Helen Bowen. That made me so empty-bellied. I know. I love a potato now. Give us one. Sometimes I feel sorry.

Go out to the shop and give us two potato waffles. I was just about sometimes I think about potato waffles and then immediately think about you or inversely, think about you and go, oh, now I'm hungry for potato wafflo. Do you put beans in each hole? No. Mine is butter. No, I feel open to it, but we didn't grow up really eating beans. We grew up eating spaghetti hoops.

Different families. And you know, so I mean, we don't have time for this anecdote yet. Here I am starting it. We do. We do. So the, I actually never admitted to this publicly, so it's terrible. An exclusive. An exclusive celebrity.

I'm sorry. So I, years ago, putting in how I cook potato waffles is twice down in the toaster at the maximum, like, eat. takes it two times and that'll does it. Never the grill, always twice down the toaster. No, before you ask, the frost

from it doesn't cause electrocution in the toaster. Have you never put frozen bread? Exactly. This is the thing you're like, oh what about the water dripping out of them? And you're like, no, but if you're making chicken nuggets as well, then it is oven because you might as well just do it all in the same oven. Exactly, shabang, but then you have to turn over the potatoes that they were crisping. Listen.

Anyways, I had that on my Instagram and then this what you might call it article was released that scientists have just found out that the best way to cook them is in a toaster and this is about three years later and people started tweeting me meaning like, whoa, whoa, whoa, all this stuff

and I was like lads, I have been preaching this for years. People aren't grateful enough, were they in exactly and I'm like oh now I felt like kind of one of those men in an apocalypse movies be like, the government's been trying to see and no one ever believes me. I got my radio station and I'm on fire and then like

way now, you know that crazy old guy? We got to get to him before the flood hits Tennessee. And I'm like, it's made a whole time. That's one of my favourite films. Yeah, you know, but it's in all of the films. That same character pops up, but no one ever believes them. The Waffle Man.

And then the divorced husband who has never turned up ever, but suddenly he's turning up in the middle of all of them. But that's again, all the Mabel, bit, men. You're like, Dad, I wish you and Mom will get back together. Like, no, he never turned up for us. And then he's like, come on. I'm coming to the New York Library, Jake Gyllen Hall.

Stay warm. Yeah, exactly. But anyway, listen, that's me. Wow, this is the genre you guys are deep in, all right. And so, like, deep impact, same kind of story. There we go. Straight, women love a ponytail.

So I was like, oh, guys, on Twitter. Anyways, potato waffles, birds of potato waffles got in touch me and said, can we have your address, Ashling? Because we want to send you something. And I was just imagining Willie Wonka's field of green, like tons of ice cream. Like, throwing potato waffles.

A lifetime supply. A lifetime supply. Yeah. And then instead, I get sent in the post one box of potato waffles. You're joking. And with freezer packs and everything around it and I was like

oh my god guys that is like such a waste of I could have gone to the shop that is such a waste of like our nature's resources of like you know the packaging around it. What I'm mentally your hope and expectations? My hope la la la la excitement I kind of get a bit annoyed I put them in the freezer and I send an email and they're like oh we're really sorry we didn't mean to

we thought it'd be kind of funny la la la and I'm like well that's fine I understand it was very kind of you to reach out but whatever. Then about a month later I'd gotten through my other box of potato waffles and I opened these ones it turns out

they customized the whole box and I with my ADHD brain just didn't even see it and on the front of this one specific box that they'd made just for me it's like Ashling Bee original potato waffle toaster

like the whole they'd made and I just gone waffles that's true and hadn't looked at it properly and these gorgeous kind people at the potato

waffle factory had made me a individual stop the production line to create this one. And then I thought I tweeted a picture saying like my God, so thankful to the potato waffle company. Not at all a waste of our plans of resources and actually a lovely. I was eating

humble waffle for the rest of the day. And I just didn't see it. It was such a kind, sweet thing they'd bother to like design a little logo in the corner. Not trying to fix it on our podcast. It's too late. And I'd just like to take this opportunity to... No, it's too late. I apologize to the potato waffle factory for you

when you reach out. Where is it? Straight ahead. Straight head. Hello. I just like to apologize. I just like to apologize. I jumped to a conclusion and it wasn't the right conclusion and I reacted, I didn't respond and I apologise that for profusely and I, as I ate my tasty golden waffles

and I felt full, I also felt quite empty and I'm so sorry for everything that happened. So what have we learnt from this? The English give an Irish person potatoes and they get angry anyway, so they're like fucking wrong. Anything we do, it's a fucking problem. Wow, Catherine. I'm so sorry for bringing you here.

But don't you think? She's a very hostile environment. No, but I just feel really like... Can you see, though? I feel like doing this. I'm like, why do you see me so? Because we have to be the victim. What are the laughing song?

Quick, what are the happening song? And... Dinosaurus. Let's solve a listener problem before this gets any more nasty. How about that? Oh, potato waffles an English company. Birds like potato waffles.

Interesting question. More back after the break. There are no breaks in this. No. They're on no break. Hey folks, it's Mark Bittman from the podcast, Food with Mark Bittman. It's hard for me to believe we're talking about back to school, but whether you're thinking lunch boxes or nourishing dinners, Whole Foods Market is the place to shop, and their

high standards allow you to shop with confidence. Their house brand, 365 by Whole Foods Market, has everything you need for quick and convenient breakfast, lunches and dinners, from oatmeal to trail mix, to wild fish sticks. explore the many ways you can save on back-to-school foods at Whole Foods Market No, and no research actually, so I'm afraid nothing could be done there. I feel like they're English.

We'll never know. Because if it's Byrdzai, then it's Captain, the Captain Badzai. He's an English pirate captain, isn't he? You think he's a... Is he on an Irish vessel? Ar. No one's got an Irish boat.

It feels Irish, surely. Ireland. Ireland. Ireland. Ireland. I feel like we're forcing that one. And then he might be like... Ruffling us.

Because it's bad size, isn't it? Then it's a fish finger man. Yeah. Birdside potato waffles are waffly versatile. They go with cheese, chicken, eggs, ham. Have you ever heard of that advert? What the hell you don't know about? It's the same track of all of our...

I've literally never heard that. What? Do it again, do it again? So I can't remember the exact... Yeah, you're too old to remember this youth song. Fucking pathetic. But so I won't get the list of foods right, but how the song used to go. It's like, birds'i potato, waffles are waffly versatile.

They go with cheese, chicken, eggs, ham. beans, cheese, butter, friends. I don't know, I made up that lot. Okay, butterfriends. They're wabbily, versatile, and that's the song. It's so catchy. I remember BNBNBN. Yeah, well, this was the Irish, I guess,

Waffle Obsession. I feel like I was here as well. I'd love to do, if anyone wants to do a dubstep remix of that bird's-eye potato waffle boop-but-choo-choo-bub-bub-bub-bub-bub. And it's softly, bubbly, really, versatile. If anyone wants to, you've done it, it's done it's done.

You've written it. It feels like perfect, smash. That's what being a teen is. Just dub stepping here, dub stepping here. Could that be your strip song then? Oh, yeah. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. And you're going to have potato waffles covering all your breath. This actually appeals to all of my Asian dress and I'm a little bit too excited. It's too much. I actually need you to stop because I need to calm down. Oh, my God. And you can put the cheese inside of you.

Oh, my God. Like, douche with cheese or something. And it goes on cheese and you shitter out on. into the waffle? You're in it. You're in it. You're in a perfectly lovely day. No, because you could wear a bra with chicken fillets in it

and you could be like chicken chicken. No, but if you did put a little waffle over your bra, I would be very excited. A little waffle. And then take them off and then just like spaghetti hoops to strip down. Okay. That's hot. That's hot.

And I'm dry again. No, wet things make men hot. Wet things make men hot. They like wet as a feeling. Rather than like if you were like sand, they'd be like, oh, no. I think guys would rather I be moist than be dry, but all over. everywhere. They want you to be kind of slippy? I think slippery, like a slippery seal.

Oh, because then it's like, gang, when I get you off. Yeah, and I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I've got! And you love the chase. They love the chase. The chase. And they're like trying to hold your hand. They're like, no. Too slippy. My secret is sunflower oil. Yay, same.

That's why you guys get on, because chips are a perfect combo. Okay, please, can we have a problem from the listener? Make it intense. Oh, wait, this is very intense. I'll read you the subject line. Okay. Help. Is my dad having an affair?

What? Need more, need more. Excuse me, who's this from? This is from Jay. Hi, Jay. Hi, Jay. I'm sorry, I'm so intrigued to kind and say hi. Hi, Jay.

Jay says, happy new year. Happy New Year. Thank you so much for the last over the last 12 months. No worries. Please. I was very excited about spending Christmas for the first time in about eight years on my family. Things were going great and I was having a lovely time. I don't trust Jay already.

Until it all took an unexpected turn with me. me and my mum deciding to pop to the corner shop for a few last minute bits. Oh, no, I can't hand. She's going to be the Emma Thompson. No, don't make it that. I've looked at life from both sides. Now.

From, okay. This was the moment my mum decided to tell me that she suspected my dad was having an affair with one of the neighbours. Hopping to the corner shop? What a move, mum. But if you suspected, then why the fuck have you got it? If you need to get it, like there's no safe place

of Christmas maybe to talk. So it'll be like, we're going to go to the shop now. No, sorry. If you suspect that of your husband, why, you popped out. Stay in the house. Keep an eye. But then you need to go and like basically that could be a good, yeah, you have. Tell us more about this neighbour. Well, there's not much about the neighbour, but mum said that back in August, dad had accidentally sent a text message to her that was intended for another woman. No, I'm so scared. Because of this, she decided to go through

my dad's phone and found a number of flirty exchanges between them and messages arranging secret meetups whilst mum was at work. No. I wonder when her suspicion pears. I know. I'm like, How could we possibly tell? Yeah, but still none of this points to an affair. Apparently, this has been going on for the last two years. He even has gone as far as saving the woman under a false name in his phone. Mum was obviously very shaken by this and decided to confront both of them individually. They both denied anything was happening and insisted their relationship as purely potonic.

She accepted this, although understandably, I get the feeling she doesn't believe that they are being truthful. I don't believe it either. Because it's worse if it's an emotional affair. That's my opinion. Whoa, huge call. Go on. Not just sex, but like getting him a feeling worse. We're going to come back to that interesting thought, which is wrong.

Go on. To make matters worse, she went on to tell me he had been doing the same thing with a different neighbour a few years back. Get a bungalow in the country, madam. Yeah, get out of the area, dude. Mum apologised to trauma dumping on me, but she needed to tell somebody, as this really affected her. She asked me to stay quiet about it, and I agreed, brackets, other than emailing in my favourite podcast. Thanks for telling us. I spent the next few days trying to act as normal as possible water.

trying not to throw up. I was absolutely seething at my dad and seriously considered throwing him into a well. Yeah. Yes. I've always had a good relationship with him. I want to see this housing area. Neighbors yet a well.

I'm picturing for a lab. Helen's solution to every problem is to suggest that they throw the person into a well. So this person is trying to get ahead of that as a solution so that they might actually get some good advice. Like a well they'd be working the way out of, but like after a year. Could they though?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm struggling to trust him and act normal with him. Should I confront my dad about this? and get answered myself, do I stay quiet and internalize my feelings towards him? I don't want to upset my mom.

I don't want to rock the boat, but it's very much shaken my relationship. What do I do? Yeah, we are going to need a postcode. Yeah, murder. And like a street view. I'm picturing suburb be close. Look, Catherine's already got her jacket on

to go down. Let's go and solve this crime. Hey, this is really sad, isn't it? Because I think the mother has, whether she knows it or not, him for help. She hasn't just unveiled to get it off her chest and it's sad to think that he or she is Jaya, he or she

or are they female, that they might be the only person she can reach out to and that's a very sad situation and that they have become the couple in the family rather than the dad and the mother at this stage. But whether it's a real physical affair

or he's gone, don't worry it's nothing rather than going, I'm so sorry that I've even emotionally lent on someone and not gone to couples counselling with you. he's made someone else's wife basically even if they're not sleeping with each other and that's awful and for it to be so near that's a big sign of his

view of her and it's embarrassing as well he's like embarrassing her within her world and all of it is like a slow decline and scrape away at someone's self-esteem a woman's self-esteem and I think that Jay should definitely confront his dad

but then we'll get Helen in to obviously do the stuff he can't do legally yeah no you won't don't do that, Helen, will you? No, you wouldn't do that to... No. I've got spray paint. No, I'm trying to get you out of this legally. Legally. Oh, I don't... I don't have spray

paint. There you go. There you go. Great. Well, we heard it here, folks. Your Honor. I'll key the car. Helen! She won't key the car, will you? No, I won't, but I will. There you go, Your Honor. But yeah, that feels terribly sad. What do you think she should do? I think she should definitely

confront her father, inform her mother. You've got to tell the mum first. But I also explain... Yeah, definitely. So she's... she's empowered by it, but explain to the dad why even if this behaviour twice is like grounding away at someone, even if there was no sex and you could deny that till the cows come home. But the other behaviour is so demeaning and so cruel rather than like either admitting the relationship there is over and how that could like great on someone's self-esteem because

you're putting, making someone a third wheel situation and you're using someone else to comfort you to go to that in the way you used to do. He's made someone else his confidant. wife and it's not okay. Do you think, though... Parent, trap, invite all three to a dinner and trick him into having a conversation about it in a Bella Italia.

Oh my God, and me and Catherine could be there as a twin. And I think then you could maybe hash out a possible like mummy step-mummy situation. That's also an option. Okay. I don't know why Catherine and Ashton are there, to be honest. We're like Lindsay Lohan. Come on.

We're the twins. Hiya! I've just pierced her ears. What this drama doesn't need is two Irish women, don't me in. I'll say that for nothing. Because then they'll help. It'll be all resolved

and you'll just be there being like, they weren't death grateful. They could have said thank you with a card. You could do the accent. I can do the accent. I can do the accent. Yeah.

Okay, I'm all this way. But listen, here's the thing I feel. Are you just checking if you got the way we fixed your affair situation. Just checking in. Yeah. Just checking. I haven't heard from here.

So I'm just wondering if you checked the way. Nobody sent me a personalised waffle box. Just see it saying. You know that like every big place there's a nice gift basket. You just have it straight to the house. You don't have to like do anything. for it. Fortham of Mason, £45 pounds.

Can I say, I think... I think... Yeah, no, listen, a card would be lovely. You know what I mean? A card, that's all the took. But no, I think that actually makes some very good points. My worry is this... Ellen also made some good points. What do you do if the father then denies it?

Because that has been his M.O., right? But he's denied the sex bit. What I'm saying is, like, he clearly doesn't understand... It doesn't matter. He may well not be having... And that's why he can look her in the face twice and then keep going with it. But what she knows is enough.

He might think, no, it's not. I'm not doing anything and that's a classic I didn't do anything Organising to meet up with someone not telling your partner and having them around the house when you're at work

It's... And emotionally, it's secrets it's hiding and emotional connection not saying it Yeah It seems like you want to be caught If you're doing two affairs

with two women on the same street Like you can't go half a mile up the road Like that feels like you want her to know You don't want to be with her Yeah Or it's a laziness It actually feels like a reflection

On her worth as well It's an ITV drive It's so true. Yeah. Oh my God. It is. Because it's easier to get one set, isn't it? So it's just easier to like have one street.

Oh, you're dead right. It is less expensive. You're dead right. And then the two of you guys come in. There's always like, you know, someone with an accent and then an English person. Thank you. Like, what's your man's name? You know who I mean, who's always playing an investigator.

Coldfeet. Of course we know him. He's very lovely. Oh, I do know he mean. No. No. Yes, Northern Irish, Martin Clune. Oh, is he?

No. This person I'm thinking about. His name? James. Fleet. With the black hair. Yeah, like, I was in cold. James Nesbitt.

James Nesbitt. James Nesbitt. Thank you. Thank you. Now, talk to me about these texts that you received. And at no point, so he denied twice after these situations. And how did that make you feel? And you think she was angry.

She wrote into a podcast, okay. Hire an Irish detective. Is that your solution then? Yeah. I mean, this one's great. And then while, and while I'm kind of talking away doing this or whatever, you be chatting away, Helen be like this, like, looking like two take-ups in the sinker.

Yes, this is the ultimate solution. Why do they always knock on the wall? Always. Okay, hire a private investigator, get more evidence and then confront with an Irish detective. It's kind of like... Gov. Gov! And it's always gov.

And there's a secret family down there. And they're your siblings. And then you find out. you've got a rare disease genetic disorder and you need a blood transfer and those siblings will provide it. Helen, hey, let's remember that Jay is a real person. Yes. So we don't want them to think that the Chi might have a secret family. Jay?

Because it's already quite stressful, quite distressing. But I will say if they do have a secret family, we know where to find them a next store. Or the other next door. Or the other next door. Oh Jay, I'm so fucking sorry that that's happening. I don't think we pause to say that I'm sorry, A, that you... Definitely blog the whole thing as well because I think a lot of us would be interested in following what's happening. No, for sure, but also I'm so desperately

sorry that that's happening. And also, it's a degradation of your mother's self-esteem and you know she wouldn't reach out to you unless she really was at the lowest point. And that's real sad. The other thing that I want to say is that like, for Jay and her dad's long-term relationship. Yeah. People can be good dads and bad partners. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People can be good moms and terrible friends. People can be good. And that's so hard to acknowledge. That's really hard to put those two facts together because you're like, especially with parents because you, I think, elevate them to sort of

God-like state. Yeah, all-knowing and also like somehow indicative of your moral capacity as well because you're like, well, I'm of them so maybe I'll do what they do. But you not think it's worth explaining to him that if you treat her like this, you're treating me like this because she's an extension of me.

So it's not like you guys deciding to healthily break up and I have to remove myself as an adult. this is like the way you're treating a member of our family is just ruining my respect for you et cetera et cetera so it's like it's about the way he's going about this moment but I feel like she has to explain the nuance to that man that even if they aren't having sex

clearly like he's explained it so well to the mother that she in some way believes him but she knows in her heart this ain't right and so she the daughter jay i think you need to explain to your dad how that would affect someone and give him a chance to actually realize what he's done. Listen to the Esther, not this, this podcast, obviously listen to this first, but then the Esther Perel podcast, where should we begin? Because that is bringing people, couple

after couple in couples counseling and helping both sides see the other side. And it's always blown my mind. Oh my God. It's so good. Because she's always like, you think you're going to go in and go, I hate the person who's having an affair or I hate the dad, we're going to murder him and I hate the mother. Whereas actually, sometimes people just don't have the skills. And for me, this sounds like he probably isn't having an affair but this emotional thing that he's enjoying with the neighbour

he cannot understand that that's an affair and that's what he needs to understand Helen, please So I listened to you lots of that and I thought it was good other option

your mum needs a sexual revolution Yes You and your mum Not mutually exclusive Go to Anne Summers Together No why did they have to go No Jay doesn't have to go with her

Because now you're involved Or she could go to an ethical lingerie shop Woohoo What's about Summers? They're all this It's all made. It's not made.

Okay, go to like some grannies at W.I. Get them to knit you something like sexy for mummy. And then workshop. Yeah, crochet panty. Yeah, no infections there. Yeah. Well, just cotton crochets. Well, guys, remember with cotton, cotton does kill.

Okay, and it's important to remember that. Cotton kills. If you fall in water in the tundra, in the Arctic tundra, and you're wearing cotton, you have to take it off immediately because it's better to be naked, because it will suffocate you. It will weigh down like lead. because it'll all take in water. It takes in water and it keeps it to your skin

so you won't be able to warm up. So remember if you fall in water and you're wearing cotton, you're taking off. Cotton kills. Why is there sexual revolution in the tundra's? Did not know. Guys, can we stay on message?

But like workshop, A.m. sexy, like little darn strip tis for mummy to do. Work out daddy's sick nunch as long. You know who wants to be a millionaire? I feel like Helen would be in the sequence where it's like, how do you know the answer that question? You're like,

because cotton killed because in the tundra didn't go over. And that reversed back to this. When you're like, you know what? We ridiculed her for years. It had no relevance to the story. But here we are, a millionaire. This entire podcast is every single...

Helen will make a huge dramatic statement. We'll all be like, that's implausible. And then she'll be like, but wait. And then I'll fall in a lake or something like that. And I'm like, Helen... It's important to know basic survival skills, particularly at this time of year with people falling in lake. Yes.

Wow. Okay, well, Jay, hey, listen, even if you don't save your parents' marriage, which is apparently now your job, you have figured out how to save your own life in the tundras. If you're wearing a button. Catherine Bohart. That was such a lovely.

Seameless. You think I missed it. I missed it. You think I don't need to recap madness frequently? Come on. Do we have time for one more problem? Yeah. Well, I'll leave it all my own at home, so bring them on.

Right. Andrew. This is from C. Hi, C. Not me. C. Is everyone just named letters? Yeah.

And that would make sense. That makes a lot more sense. He can't really write in and say my dad's fucking two of the neighbours and put your full name on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but you could lie and say it's you know, Greg here.

No, sure, of course, of course. Imagine that's a first name. Yeah, imagine that's your most dramatic like fake name. It could be, Greg. Ready? So C says, thank you so much.

She helped me get through some rough times during the pandemic. Love the pod. You're welcome. Here's my problem. I'm a bi-man in his late 20s who has never really dated or done much before. A single biking!

A few months ago, I said, not biking. Are you just saying words that you just learned? A few months ago, I started seeing a lady. It was really great. We saw each other all the time. But recently, she's got a dog, which is a bit out of control. Now, whenever we see each other, either it includes the dog, which is exhausting, or she has a very strict time schedule

and has no energy, again, because of the dog. I have a lot of self- down. No, I'm joking. I have a lot of self-stitching. issues and I'm always anxious about the relationship and I'm having trouble feeling like she doesn't like

to hang out and isn't interested in something intimate which is what I really want. She says she is but I never feel like a priority or like she's willing to make the sacrifices that I am any recommendation tips for being patient while she sorts out

her dog situation. Am I being unreasonable expecting her to occasionally put this relationship before the dog? I feel like the start of that doesn't have much to do with the end of it. I feel like it was like a good intro to see, but did we need to know all the facts? Not really.

Interesting. I thought it was useful to know that they haven't dated before because I think coming into this. Oh, that he hasn't dated much before. He hasn't dated much before. He doesn't have loads of experience of relationships. So he's very anxious about,

I think maybe you'd be like triple second guessing all of your moves. Ah, because you were finding yourself earlier. Then I remove and retracted my statement. I'd like to do a public collology again. Damblans. If this person works for the potato waffle company,

then I don't know. I retract what I said If we have a listener that works for birds I swear to fucking God we're getting personally As an opportunity to grow And learn from my mistakes And I apologise

And we'll make a donation To Bikings.com Which turns out I just ended up buying a helmet First In the end of that But yeah sorry Let's move on

You know there's that A book called Attached And it looks at all different Sort of attachment theories Like what sort of attached Had of it Haven't read So yeah

Oh I just read the synopsis of all the attachment styles on in line Yeah, the synopsis you get it, yeah, you do get it like there's insecure attachments which is someone who you might describe as quite needy

the secure attachment I get... You like me, don't you Helen? You're my best friend okay, me too, yeah, don't go ever. I'm an actually attached person in relationships, faux show. Yeah, and then, but in the middle

is secure which you... And it doesn't mean that that person doesn't have needs or wouldn't be anxious but it doesn't like take over their lives a little bit and then on the other side is the what's it emotionally dependent sort of removed

removed yes there's a word for what they're called and I can't remember Oh no there is what is it Anxious attachment Helen And the third room Anyways What is it?

Avoidant Thank you Thank you I was like absent No avoidance Yes avoidant And so what is interesting about reading this book

Is a lot of it comes from your genetics And it's a little bit too simple of course there's like facets of so many different types of things but broadly one of the things I liked about it is we would describe maybe the the anxiously attached person as insecure or needy but one of the quotes in it was always

you're only as needy as your unmet needs so when a needy person feels seen feels like they're secure in a relationship they can actually do without texts they can do without compliments because they know the person likes them they know on a fundamental level almost like Jay's mother or this person with the dog if you knew that person really liked you

then the dog being there wouldn't matter it's not about the dog see and then that wouldn't really matter whereas actually you've you the thing is that you fear they're not wanting to be intimate with you and that's kind of causing the issue what I learned about this is that the avoidant person sometimes

that's a real odd combination because the more needy you are with them the more they pull away because they need space to calm themselves and you need reassurance to calm yourself so you're both looking for calming like peppy Lepew and the skunk another teen cartoon reference Oh, Helen

you're too old to understand It's for young people Peppy It's basically like this Back of the day cartoon Where this smelly skunk Now would probably be me-toed Would like follow around this cat

Being like, oh won't you around all this? She'd be like no no no no And we were like ha ha ha ha ha Now we'd be like no no Arrested One time she was like Okay and he was like Ah

Yeah so that's what the chase So the cat was being a whore just teasing the skunk? No, she's very... No, they got from me either. I didn't get that. I did not get that from it either. Though it did seem to be a lot about how she was dressed like a cat. Yeah.

But yeah, this... So sometimes you have to learn to go let that person have space and actually then they'll feel safe that they can have space and they'll come back to you and give you your needs. But that's kind of still... So you think C's just in the wrong... Well, I would say trying to explain what you... you need as a first port of call or say

sometimes I feel I love your dog sometimes I feel like I want to be more intimate with you is there something we can do not like get rid of the dog or make it seem like they're doing something wrong but there's a way you can reframe them can we have time together on our own not can we have time without the dog

is a very different sentence to someone who loves her dog then could we have time just us is very different without the dog sort of thing and work in like if we go bring the dog for a walk then put it back then go for dinner and have some time together or whatever it is just as a middle ground in this

and if you constantly feel like you're still chasing to feel secure that is just such a long you'll be chasing that for years of your life I would say and it's okay to have needs though

yeah but it's okay to feel like you want reassurance it's just like if you expect them to know from like game playing or silence or like oh I suppose I look ugly today do I?

Can I say that's not going to bring around a confidence I've tried that so many times. Was I really shit at the gig? Is that why you didn't say anything? Because I was really shit. And that's like poking someone rather than going, oh, do you know after a gig?

But poking's good. I need a little bit more reassurance. I know it might seem like a lot, but I actually need a lot more than you might think. Just to say that I was good or whatever it is. Tell me how it's going. What you want to say is that, but instead you can't verbalise it.

So because you're, you're in a sense like, oh, you hate me. I'm blah, blah, blah. And you play your game. So in this situation, I hate it. how much I'm learning about myself. I hate it.

This is like me listen to Helen bang on about Irish people. I'm like, Helen. But really good for you in the long run. It's a triangle. Now, you need to learn something from, if you learn something from me, I learn something from Helen,

then you need to learn something from Catherine today. Okay. There are other types of sex than just being eaten out while you eat a dominoes. You're lying to yourself. She's lying.

Love can feel. And I'm like, I won't be wearing cotton in an icy lake anytime soon. You're lying. No, truly. I mean, none that I do, but I've heard. Yeah, but your sex sounds so long.

Oh, maybe it's like, I'll be so sleepy. Maybe it's like you are worth a pizza papagon. You are worth a sourdough high-end pizza. No, I'm a poo. I don't deserve a franca. You do deserve a franca and you deserve to not have to pay for that franca manca. No, because everyone thinks I'm ugly and everyone hates me. You're so beautiful and one of the funniest people on the entire UK comedy circuit. Everyone hates me.

And you're brilliant. Thank you. And if they do hate you, it's only because you're so. beautiful and so good at comedy. Thank you so much. I feel empowered. Only as needy as your unmet needs. So if we didn't tell you that enough from the start,

then that was on us as well. I have a lot of unmet needs, I feel. Can I also? At home, I have to trick my housemate to give me a cuddle every morning by physically restraining him and he screams no, and repeat really loud, really scared

and I have to hold on to him. Oh, sorry, Ashting, Pebbleaple of Pew, Pebbleaboo. Because of my unmet needs. I smell a skunk. Yes. But imagine if you were like, hey, listen, to avoid us both feeling weird in the morning, is there any way you could come to me with a hug

by 9 a.m every morning or some physical touch or handholding and you come to me. And you would probably only need a handhold not a whole hug at the start. But like you might surprise yourself by going, oh, when he came to me to give me physical affection to say, I see you, I feel what you need.

You'd be like, done for the day, grand. Yes, and you're chasing it. Stop being such a dick. Yes, in the up to tell. Stop being your fucking dick. Give me a cuddle. Can I also say, though, I'm going to say. Cuddy Club.

I'm going to say, you've brought something up for me that I'm just going to, I'm wondering if anybody listening will be feeling the same way. It's like, I hear you and I think you're dead right. But also,

doesn't it make you feel awash with shame, disgusting and dirty to have needs? Yeah. Oh, definitely. Anyone? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's the awful bit,

but only when you realize that someone can meet them or the bits where you work on the bits that you need to let go of that, an expectation that it's someone's job to be there for you. Like sometimes you should, should expect your friends to soothe you, your loved ones to soothe you, something bad's

happened. If you're constantly reaching out for people to soothe you, that's an unfair need to put on someone else and you'll never be happy and you'll go to bed chasing it. And that is what I found in 17 years of my life that I've been on this earth. Wow. But your neediness is so reason. You could like, you should never feel guilty. You have such reasonable needs. You love, you like quality time with individual people. But that's saying that yours are unreasonable and actually, if you meet someone who every day loved hugging so fucking much and loved hugging all day long. My best friend Brona, we hug each other all

the time. We love hugging. I just every time I see you and I want to be held tactile with each other and that's okay for you to want more hugs than maybe Catherine or I might need. That is not a crazy want. I want people to take me to the zoo. Yeah, if you want to go go on dates and stuff like that

and you'll probably reward them with gift baskets of jokes and funiness and energy. Energy, energy, yeah. That's what I mean. Not gift. Not like that. No, I mean gift baskets of jokes. It was a metaphor. I was trying to leave into it. I got it. She doesn't get it. But see, that's the, they're the love languages, that you'll reward them in a such a way if they just give you hugs all day long. And that's what you're saying, I need to be hugged. What are your needs that I need to meet, Catherine? Let's, let's solve us.

Oh, no, I think you're actually a phenomenal friend. I would say simply that I would say simply that I... I don't say you're very loved from what I know of you. Yeah, I really genuinely feel supported by you. I think that... Well, you shouldn't. I think the issue is that when I leave, having been supported by you, my immediate feel is guilt that I lent on you in any way which is ridiculous because we lean both ways but I No I lean on you more

I will play that sort of like Oh am I being a drain Am I being a negative person Am I being a am I being like Have I ruined their day? Like I like I because I find Do you feel that when you're like I'm sad to me

Despite the fact that I'm like Way sadder to you more Yeah I feel more Because in truth I feel more comfortable Being the person who's lent on Yeah you do you really thrive in the oh, this person's sad. And don't go leave with any guilt or anything like that

where it's like, yes. And I would probably also... If one of her friends is in any emotional physical peril, Catherine comes alive. She's like, this is my moment. I'm a real ambulance, chaser. I wouldn't invite Catherine to ever come to A&E with me because I'd lose her to about ten of the people.

She'd be doing like... Fucking day shift, just go to the costa and back. I would bring tea for 20. For sure. But that's a gorgeous quality, but that isn't that an ultimate caregiver problem that you don't know how to accept the same care it's about control as well over what people think of you

correct it's definitely about control because I think sometimes when you're sad you want space but I don't know if I'm misreading that but isn't this where we need to be and like if you can't say your needs to someone you go oh god you know what I might need a bit of space and they're like oh well if you hate me then I'll leave you're like you need I need to be able to say to you what I need

without you making it like a dramatic statement and hear what I say and you need to be with someone who you'll work out a language between the two of you. Like all of us are afraid of saying what we want and then we get so angry when people don't get it from like our bells and whistles and riddles. I riddle me this and adalidoo. And here I am in the jungle.

How did he not know that I just wanted a compliment? So you do want to come on the Sound of Music Tour and Southwag? No. But... But that's not a reflection on you and that you want a friend to come because you want someone to come close to you and experience a joy

that you get from the Sound of Music Tour. It is not a bad day. I need someone to take pictures. And you should deserve someone who will be so excited to take those pictures. That will not be Catherine and the whole thing

will be fraught with attention which will ruin your experience of the sound of music tour. It's only like half a day. It's not a big deal. But that to, Catherine, it is a big deal but you deserve to be around

with someone who doesn't see the transport as an obstacle who doesn't find that draining. He would be like, oh my God, we get to go in a train, we get to be there, we get to sing.

I'll hug you all day. I'll take as many photos as you need. Let's do some reels. Do you see what Gwyneth did for me in Disney World? You could be that person. She doesn't want to be that person. She wants to be there for you in a different way. She wants to be the person who like sells your wares and just goes around and going, have you ever met? Have you ever met? I do

I do that. I do that. I do that. I do that. I do that. I love this woman. I love you. In a vauxhall. It's like I want to start a business with you where we literally back each other from a business level and elevate each other's careers. That's how much I love you. But I do not want to go to the sound of music tour. And that is okay. I love this woman. I love you. Hey, do you want to come on the sound of music tour? It's just what teens think about. because we've known what they're young. Hey, do you need or want anything from us?

I feel like you deserve some love. Apart from like, listen, I swear to God, you're the only people I'll have talked to all day. I'm fine. Oh, you're good. Okay, cool. I thought I was getting so good at emotional stuff because I've started getting Botox

and it's forced me to express myself more than... No, because I'm actually with your mouth and stuff before head. Yeah, because my girlfriend's like, if you're not for anything, then I don't believe you. And that's how she gets out of trouble she doesn't want to be in so that I've kind of overstart. I'll probably think about getting that in 20 years or so.

No, of course. Listen, you shouldn't yet. My God, on that baby face. This teenage thing is so great. I'm fucking loving it. I'm a toddler. I'm disforced. Oh, my God.

Yeah, but I could mind you. Yeah, you can babysit. That's so nice. You can take care of me. I babysit her. Yeah. A handful, but I love her. She's a big four year.

Come on. Last question. I mean, we're absolutely taking up way too much of your time. But Ashing B, where can people find you? Would you like them to find of yours that you're making at the minute and doing at the minute? When will this go out? Hey, listen, in two weeks' time. Next week, literally next week.

Literally next week. Literally next week. God, I don't know. I just don't know. I don't know. What to find. And watch I'm alone on Disney Plus. It's so good.

No, I would say. The frown. Oh, I don't know. If you haven't watched this way up, series one and two, please go watch it on Channel 4 on demand. if you're in America, it's on Hulu, if you're in Canada. I don't know where it is in Canada. There's a little if you're in Australia, it's on Stan, Australia. If you're in France, it's on Canal Plus.

And if you're in South America, it's on Direcgo TV. I don't know what that is, but that's on in South America. So I just, I don't know that one maybe. Also, if you haven't watched this way of, I'm so jealous of you, because now you get to watch it and I wish I could watch it again as having not seen it. I've watched it twice. It's so good. It's so good.

I don't have a TikTok yet because that's something the old kids used. Yeah, me too. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean my mum's Instagram on webusbee.com. Nice. I even said dot com about Instagram. It was tense and I didn't want to, listen.

That was you being ironic in the way that young people are. Imagine if I took off my hat and it revealed like the whole thing was a wig and ran into it. Oh, no! Like a Scooby-Doo reveal? And it was holding back my face

and then it was like, I was trying about this either day, I'm 100 years away. What old hair do you want to have? Because I was saying, I want to go pure white and then rinse the end. Like, do you know what you want? Because my friend wants to go long witch. Wow, pure white.

But she wants grey witchy vibes. I don't want to go grey. I want to go my colour and then... Pure white. I was bleached blonde, like blonder than you for like 10 years. What? So I think I'd go back to like bleach blonde and then white. I think that would be my root.

And I'd love to have pink. Like, I'd love to have pink. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I was thinking. I'm going to diet red and have gold hoop. till I die. Red lipsick, red hair, gold hoops. Even if you're like crumbling all around it.

Your hair won't change too much because it's curly. No, the curls will stay, but I just think it's going to get big white roots and I'm fine with that. I want red hair, red lips, gold hoops. I genuinely. You'll put it off as well because you've got very young

looking skin, freckles. Thank you so much. I pay so much for it. I was going to go for Diana, Pixie cut or white, but still broad-shouldered. You want to go Pixie cut? Yeah, pixie cut or white.

Why? I can see you. Make the shoulders a feature. really show them off. Or like a step down to here, like this. Oh my God. I want to be like old and everything crumbling like tits down here but like the shoulders. Power. Yeah, like powerful. Okay. I do. I don't want that for you. I want your shoulders back and open so you can breathe fully into those lungs. Yeah, yeah. That's important for us to do. Which is a good friend. Because then we get more panicky and we get more anxious the more we do this because we're not

taking your ears. Do you think it works that way rather than new way? This is science science. So if you're like this all the time like the depressed physique that you might see though that person looks sad also you're taking in less air when you're like this and you're you're breathing which is telling your brain that bad things are happening whereas at least this way your lungs are open old Helen is like hello the Apollo wheel her on with her like step cut giant shoulder pads with a moose knuckle when you're 80 yeah oh my god Helen accidentally wore trousers maybe wings back like shoulder pads out like wings phenomenal. Did you tell last thing about when you did Apollo

and you accidentally wore a... I had a camel toe. Oh, Bubba! And everyone was commenting on it online. That's very hard to see unless it's... That's very hard to see in advance. Yeah, I agree. No, but in advance, in lighting, you never know

what something's going to look like. I'm really sad about that. Someone was trolling all the trolls saying I had a camel toe, which isn't really trolling when you do saying a cameltoe on that, that's a moose knuckle. A moose... It's quite funny, isn't it? It's like an escalation.

What's annoying when you get rolled online is when it's funny or incorrect. Yeah. It's funny because I liked it by accident. Yeah. And then everyone can see that you were reading your comment. And then what you do, do you delete it? But they know when they could screen up.

Oh, it's so frustrated because it was so good because I wish I got there first. And also I do, in general, I have quite a present big vagina. Like it's very like, she's friendly. She's tubby. It comes into the room first and then suddenly, who the hell is Helen? Nice to see you. She's flushing. miss her, the lips are hanging.

You know what I mean? So it's like, yeah, I can see how we ended up in that situation. Did somebody order a dominole? We're here. And then like, who's behind that vagina and pizza? Hey go.

Hey, yeah. Oh, man. Okay, well, watch this way up. Watch Helen's moose knuckle if you can. Oh, yeah. Type in hell with that and ask you. Oh, yeah. Lovely view.

Yeah, some for the last year. Stop that. No. But that's a, that's a, that's a like, remember everything is future content, every sadness and pain that you have. And some people don't get to turn their pain into podcasts and stand up. And TV shows. So freaking true. So freaking true. Yeah. Wait to the cartoon series, Moose Snuggle. Yeah. Maybe you've recorded your Apollo Western out yet. God knows what you look like. Oh, no doubt there's something wrong with me. No. And listen, they'll let me know. They'll let me know. But listen, even if there's not, there'll be a new thing. They'll find it for. Oh my God. Yeah, they do. But when it's relevant, when it's right, that's the worst. you know it really is when it's specific oh that's that's tasty that's a real sadness I did a little like series on my and then we will let you go

I did a little series on my Instagram because I was in Paris with a very new girlfriend being like when will she propose such a strong choice of Catherine such a strong choice the amount of people replying being like hey I thought you've only been dating like a little while I'm like the number of people who believe

or like are you is it who believed me I was like but people didn't take it as a joke no it's a strong joke I got replies wise was it's been quite new or really oh my god but also like

when people I'm saying that you guys here and I know that this is but this is what the podcast is but if you're commenting with genuine advice in comments underneath something publicly that is not being kinded or helpful and it is unsolicited I'm queen of unsolicited advice listen I walk around the park

telling people how to parent the children and have to have you never had a child never had a dog but that's me passing on the things have been happened to me and I wish I knew sooner. But with that sort of stuff or if you're trying to diagnose people with things underneath like don't

because remember that's an Instagram it's not you personally talking to that so it's not a dialogue. Commenters, you know. I need to stop moving comments. You've got to. Would you please stop? Would you please? As you were right, it was too soon but you shouldn't have said it alone. And then publish

my own Instagram story and response on my school 99 like we wouldn't know it was you. There she comes, walking down the street. Type a node with a lips, the old. Calipariclob, clop. Thank you so much to Ashley Bairn. Yay! Yay!

Here are our top-tier hog slots. It's our executive producers. Thank you so much to Guy Goodman, Simon Mores, Mary Fox, Annie Turner, Sarah Hockey, Deakin and Oliver Jago. Thank you. Let's roll on some shit. Now let's get down to our producers.

Our piggy's running around the sty farting on each other. Thank you so much. And a big hoggy. To Richard Bicknell, L, Richard Bold, Neil Redmond, Victoria Hutchison, Emma Walton. I can tell you're upset by this, Catherine. Keep going with the energy. Karen and David Bull.

Howard Van Dyke. Tim and Dom. David Walker. Rachel R. Anthony Conway. Sadie Cashmore. Claire Owen Jones. Jess and Nick.

Zoe. Sarah and Molly. Right, I think. Raya, I think I crushed that. Cordelia, Rachel Page, Helen A, Tina Lindsay, Graham Marsh, Emma G, Amy O'Reardon, Abby Voff, and our new Liddell Piglet,

it's Key Webb. Oh, thank you so much. Thank you so much, all of you. And again, truly sorry about that.