Trusty Hogs - Ep70. REUBEN KAYE / Make Up, Misogyny & the Muppets

Episode Date: February 2, 2023

Reuben Kaye is a multi-award winning, Australian comedian, singer, writer and our brilliant guest for episode 70! He brings Marlon Brando realness to the studio as well as insight and laughs on everything from Grindr across the world to morning baths, and from Femfresh to his new podcast Come To Daddy!FOLLOW REUBEN: @ReubenKayeOfficialThank you so much for listening!Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Simon Moores / Guy Goodman / Mary Fox / Annie Tonner / Sarah Jarque-Deakin / Oliver JagoPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Karen & David Bull / Harald van Dijk / Eddie Doyle / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Jo Holmes / Sarah & Molly / Alex Pugh / Josie W / Amy / Cordelia / Raia Fink / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Sophie Chivers / Graham Marsh / Emily Gee / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Kie Web / Matt SimsWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, hello. Hello, welcome to this, a very somber episode 70. Don't start with you. No, I'm not. Of trusty hogs. Now, listen, if you've never listened to trusty hogs before, then I'm not sure this episode will make any sense. What I'd say you should do is we'd go listen to the nice episode 69 with Ashton B. I mean, if you stayed with us, then I should explain why Helen's pretending to cry. I'm Catherine Bowhart. This is Helen Bauer. Usually we talk about our wonderful lives, but Helen has forced.

We're comedians. That's poor as just all to wear black. And to go into mourning for the death of her sister's hamster, just now deceased, pancake. My niece. Your hamster niece? My first niece. Oh my God.

She's not your niece. She was? She's not. She was. She's not. Through the fog. Step forth the trusty hogs. Yeah.

You're going to give me your problems and they won't. solve them or maybe they won't and that's your problem they'll have guests and Andrew white on the tech oh it's Helen and Catherine as the trusty hogs trust the trusty hogs or maybe at 3pm I'm so sorry for the loss of your hamster niece at 3pm on Friday January 27 Oh my God. Pancake left us for a better world. She trundled off in a very tight ball where she froze

and never moved again. We knew she was feeling ill the day... Is this a written statement or are you monologue improvving? We knew she was feeling ill the day before when she was given her afternoon boiled egg. And she didn't finish it. Pancake was the best of us. She's in a better place.

Amen. Oh, amen. Amen. Do you have any idea how traumatising that 24 hours were? No, I cannot. Okay, so I think we need to get into it because whilst you lost a niece, obviously a mother lost her hamster.

M was upset. Andrew was upset. I don't know why you're sort of giggling. I think it's because you're nervous. I'm sorry for your law. Why are you smiling, you psycho? and also you're not wearing black that's navy and white

you're wearing nautical stripe which is Max if you knew pancake she didn't sail it's black and white it's not black and white that's blue and white that's blue and white

it's black for my morning and white for the piece I hope she's found that is pathetic that is so manipulative so in mourning of freaking listen hey I'm real sorry to hear that you lost your hamchenies

the more important issue I'm sorry to say it I do think this is worse for Marianne your sister who lost her actual hamster She lost her baby. Yeah. How is she doing?

Oh, my God. Is she milking it? Holy shit. Including the 24 hours leading up to pancake's death. Every single one in my family received separate messages saying, pancake's not moving. Like, so we'd all panic. Yes, that's the scene, Mary.

So we'd all panic and call. And we'd be like, is she breathing? She's like, I can't show her to the point we're like, oh my God, there's a dead rodent. There's a dead rodent. I was in High Wickham. Why couldn't she show her she was protecting her privacy? I have no idea.

There was no dignity towards the end. It's just a hamster dying next to a nibbled, boiled egg. Like, it's not good. Do you shit themselves like humans when they die? Pancake didn't shit herself when she died. She had no egg in her. Okay, cool. What sort of a thing is that to art?

I was just wondering. It feels mad that you'd like, look, Marianne played the whole family against each other over like separate messages, getting attention from all, like, is it four? Yeah, four different sources. Dad, mum, brother, me. and then finally my dad stepped up and put it in the family WhatsApp group

I'm just going to read it to you because it is actually very very sweet and he sort of brought it to the group right and it was it was time to be honest with let me just scroll up through all the messages about the death okay Thursday evening has pancake eaten some of the egg mum she hasn't but marianna's looking after her well the next morning Ted how is pancake now. Mum, poor little pancake. Mariana's looking after her well. I respond. I hope pancake had a good night. Marianne, pancake not moving. Oh, little pancake. Just watch over her as you are doing as she's still breathing. How about parsley and mealworm cookies? That's my dad. Oh my darling.

So cute. Like pancake then dies. Pancake dead is the message. My mom. Oh my darling. How are you feeling you were the best friend for her? Your film looks beautiful. She also sent us a three-minute film that she edited, I'm assuming, in the 10 minutes. How would she do that so fast, by the way? That was unbelievable. To the point where I'm like, you made the eulogy tape. Like, it was wild.

She pre-made. It was like Pancake had made it herself and we was like, play this in the event of my death. But what's happening real time with these messages, I'm in my family WhatsApp group and I'm forwarding the death montage to Andrew M. and Catherine. So they can watch it as well. And then everyone It was so long

I did not make it to the end Did you not? It was only over three minutes Like just over three minutes A bit like pancake aisle Oh my god You fucking You're a bitch

Okay My dad Pancake seemingly Had a nice peaceful end She was very lucky That you chose her At that farm bro pet shop And gave her a lovely life

Oh stop it And then me The most practical one of the family I called Marianne I can pop over in the morning Mum, that's lovely. And then my dad and mum and brother start making suggestions of taxidermy.

Did you not consider taxidermy? She died in like a rigid ball like this. There's no way a taxidermist is going to be able to prize her open. Have you asked one? I think they probably could. Look, I just needed this thing in the ground.

Well, you know how I love taxidermy? I would have supported it. Don't love taxidermist. You buried a gold mine. You buried a gold mine. That shit could have got you like 200 pounds. But she just kept saying I want to keep her. I made 500 birth squirrel is what I'm saying.

I think anyone else would have done the same thing as me and just like gone around with the shovel and been like, right, we're on this, we're doing it. So we, me and my dad buried her. I'd have put it in the bin, but, or... That's heartless. At least I have a heart. Okay, so you buried it in the garden?

And like, Marianne had it in a tissue box surrounded by tissues. and then I brought a tin that said all you need is biscuits because pancake she was a pancake She was morbidly obese Oh okay

Are you crying Are you pretending It's really hard to find a tin About pancakes very last minute It's going to be pancake Tuesday soon You think that will trigger Marianne The Memorial Day now But to circle back

You have yet to actually tell us how You've told us a lot about your involvement But how is Marianne remains my question She's currently sending messages Very frequently worrying that pancakes Cold outside Underground. Pancake is cold.

That's the main message. That's so creepy. It's really creepy. Also makes me think that she thinks she's still alive. Like, pancake must be so cold. Oh, God. She's also made a shrine in her room, which includes the snacks that pancake didn't finish.

Including, like, which I wasn't aware of. Like, I knew that she had chocolate, but like, a half-eat-a-and-tub-of-chocop of chocolate chips. To the point where, like, we've got the murder weapon. Can we circle back chocolate chips for hamsters? No, no. Chucky chippies. Chucky shippies, yeah. Like, I would put it in chucky porridge.

I was about to be like, should we get her a new hamster? But it sounds like she shouldn't be given another hamster. I think another hamster would be the best thing possible for the morning of the hamster. But she's not ready yet. She wants a wombat. And I just think that's huge. That's tricky, isn't it? That's what I said.

They're big, aren't they? And aren't they just in Australia? I was going to say, are they local? I don't think she should get such a big... Oh, it's because I forgot to tell you. I'm going to Australia. What? Oh my God, that's so much.

I haven't told you. I've been very busy with the death of pancake. Are you doing the Melbourne Comedy Festival? No. I'm going to like Sydney and Perth. Why? When? I don't know.

What? For what? For what? Comedy? But I mentioned Marianne that I might be going to Australia and then she wants for one bat. You can come. I thought you didn't want to go this year. But to Sydney, I'd go.

Oh, well, then come to Sydney. You can stay with my cousin Hannah. I'll text Hannah Chambers out. They're not giving you a comedy. they are giving me accommodation I think but you can stay with my cousin Hannah I'll text Hannah you're not getting accommodation

but you're not booked well I'd like to me that's what I'm saying hey whoever you are book me how long are you going for three weeks yeah we need to figure that out

why are you telling me it's on air this is really bad listening because pancake and I'm all of them all of a mess okay listen at the break you can tell us more detail and she hates the snails

so that wasn't the comfort we thought it would be Okay. Here's the other thing. The death happened on like a Friday afternoon. I was at my agent's office when it happened. Luckily, they're all adults, are very respectful and they gave me a room to make a phone call. Is that when you asked if you could go to Australia, Marianne was like, Panicide. You're like, I'm going to need to be on a different continent for this. But then I had to go to High Wickham for a gig, but like I had a bit of time. So I went to Primark and bought Marianne some pyjamas with stitched on them from Lilo and Stitch because she loves Stitch. And I thought when I went over to Berry Pancake, that could be a distraction. She couldn't have given. even less of the fuck about the PJs. Wow.

Like, that's how serious. To be fair, I've, like, given you gifts, watch you open them and then immediately throw them and the paper on the ground. It depends what it is. Yeah, or if you're like, what else? So, you know. Oh, have you got me something?

No. Also, also, I've got a leaky eye. Ouchy. Another one? Yeah. Not a stye, a leaky eye. What's the difference? I also hate skiing, and I think it's the devil's work.

Oh my God, you went skiing. Okay, hang on, hang on, hang on. Okay. There's so much time. This is why we're going for a facial tomorrow so we can properly catch up. Oh, we won't be in the same room we're talking. My thing is, here's...

No, I booked it. Same morning. Facial, couples facial, yeah. Well, we face each other like that. No, no. But we're naked for no reason. A couple's face off. Okay, hell.

So, just to rewind, sorry. So Pancakes dead, RIP. Can you just say that a beautiful, very thoughtful listener sent four tickets for the zoo for us to take Marianne to the zoo, which is so sweet and kind. I actually, I genuinely think that's so... I don't know how to say.

Thank you, Matt. Oh, Matt. Thank you, Matt. What an unbelievably kind. So Matt messaged Andrews saying, seen pancakes dead. I know Helen's sister loves the zoo. Here are some complimentary tickets.

That's just so kind. So we're going to go to the zoo and cheer Marianne up. I think all four of us are going to go with Marianne. And I think do our best to cheer her up. Yeah. Now, second... Sorry,

We also got Jasmine sent us some portraits of pancake that she made. Oh my God. Like I said, if you haven't listened to this podcast before, this might not make much sense. Is Jasmine's like Instagram handle like snazzy? I think she sent me one as well. She's so sweet. Again, it feels like you've forgotten what's good on a podcast.

Listen. Yes. To circle back, you separate to this have been skiing. Now, Helen, I had some. I would say, scepticism about the likelihood you would enjoy skiing. The sport for the devil. Because you've never skied. No.

And because... It's not my terrain. I've never known you to enjoy a sport or the cold or falling down or anything where everybody else goes off to do an activity all day. And you don't get to be involved slash the centre of attention. So how'd you find it, babe? It's fucked up. It's genuine. Have you ever been to a ski right?

I'm Irish. I'm not rich. It's the most messed up thing of all time. Me and Francis couldn't even walk out of our chalet into the town without being on the floor. Okay, can I tell you? Like, I physically couldn't walk. Can I tell you the backdrop from me? Go on.

One, I expect you to hate it. I'm horrified you had such a bad time. But secondly, I'm currently dating. Your facial expressions are not matching up with what you're saying. Yeah, it's Botox babe, Nick. Can we follow? No, it's the eyes as well. Okay.

Like, you're thriving off me and pain. No, it's because I'm trying to tell you that I have a background. conversation going on for me in my brain which is that I've recently started to date what it turns out is a relatively posh English woman correct by that I mean her family ski by

which I mean she says things like would you ever want to ski and I say no and then it turns out Georgie my best friend Georgie wants to ski secret fucking skier so they're what you behind your back

oh my God so I bring Ellen to Georgie's birthday all of her lovely friends are there they're all lawyers they're all very wealthy they all ski right I assume and and there's like

obviously Ellen's the like mulleted lesbian in the room I'm like how do I find some common grant here I'm like Ellen went to Cambridge and then they're all like blah blah blah blah and suddenly they're talking about

where they ski how they ski when they ski or whatever and I'm like what the literal fuck Georgie skied since you was a kid apparently that's a secret she kept from me That fucking snake? Well, apparently she's told me But like, what the fuck? I obviously blanked that out

because I wanted to be friends And so now the two of them were like We should have to get on it And I'm like, why would I do that? Yeah, what happens to you? Yeah, exactly. So my question is, I need... There's no joy in it.

I'm honestly... Well, they're like, you can read your book and do Apray skis. Yes, I am so sick of this. I am so sick of this atpray ski bullshit. Do you know what Apray ski is? What?

Drinking somewhere is hard to walk. That's all it is. It's fucking. bullshit. It's a pub higher up where everyone comes in and puts snow everywhere and you can't even leave it without feeling stressed you're going to fall down a mountain.

Sounds so bad. It's fucking stupid. It's so stupid. And everyone that does it, I hate them. I know. I hate them too. And like everyone who... Who was there and who was hate it? No, don't cry. I believe you. They're... Posh people are terrible. Shh.

And even the ones that were like, Oh, I don't really ski. I was like, oh, I don't ski either. Oh, swoop, swoop, swoop, swop. Oh, hi, Helen, hi. Look, yourself. Wait a second. That was, if you didn't, the swoop, shooop was married with an image of Helen was doing ski arms.

And also, ski folk, no sense of humour. Me and Francis wanted to ride the ski swing. Yeah. Or they called it like a chairlift or something. Yeah. And they were like, no, not without skis. And I was like, I'm not putting those. fucking like slip trick guards on my feet and they were like well you can't go on the swing

why had to go inside of a cable car I've done that before why can't you go on this the ski I don't know because they thought maybe I was going to fall off it even though I saw loads of skiers fall off it oh it's horrible it's horrible Ellen said to me this is her like you'll be fine no she said don't worry your feet naturally turn in you've got a natural plow how was that Something you say to someone. Isn't that one of the rudest things you've ever been like? She was like, don't worry,

you're already like a little duck. You'll be fine on the slopes. I'm like, posh people are the worst. Okay, well, Ellen's being a fucking cunt. And if she's being a real bitch when she's a real bitch when she gets into her ski mode, she's a real bitch. But all of them become bitches.

All of them, the whole town. Please take me to your nice warm posh holidays. The whole town were just full of assholes. And the thing is, I loved the people I was with. But it was like they were just, they were different people for half the day. Wait, so, so, okay. So, who was the surprise

excellent skier of the group presumably Stephen Bailey doesn't ski oh he tried it one day hasten yeah that's that fit

right Stephen didn't everyone else skied apart from Stephen okay so like they've skied before yeah I think

but Maisie Adam yeah you'd think that would mean she skied over Christmas with her family fuck off I think she's probably

the best skier in the group of course she fucking is she's so good at every sport amazing but she's so tall you'd think she'd fall down and she brought with her this amazing girl

called Joe who was also incredible at skiing. And I was like, this is my friend Francis. What does Francis do, bit of drawing. Like, it was so fucking awful. And I... Evo has a name for skiing. Well, yeah, if you went to Eat,

obviously you ski. That's just like, I'm not trying to, like, group people. I think we can go ahead and group those people. Okay, so like, private school you ski, just in general. Did he, did he ski? Yeah, he skied. He went off skiing. Fucking all an Irish private school mentors that, like,

you have Catholic guilt. Fun. Yeah, and your own set of rosary beads. Oh, I wish we skied. No, you don't. Because then you'd be one of them. That's true. You want to be one of them.

Okay, so they come back in from the day and they've been skiing and like ignoring you all day. So they're talking about like slopes and snow and ice. You don't have to wink at me. Those things are real. Okay. That actually wasn't me winking.

I think that's how watered my eye. Was there you just your dry eye fell down. Okay. My dry eye just gave up on itself. So gross. Okay. So everyone else was like, Like, oh, yeah, no, it's really tricky to walk back to the shalley

because you're so tired after the skiing. Oh, hell, I won't have that problem. So, like, I would like, our chalet, we had, like, a driveway to get down to it. That was just ice. Could you have to sit in your bum and go down? You'd have thought that. So I'd go on my bum, but it won't let me sled for some reason.

Like, it's not as icy. It's like enough snow to ruin it. So I had to log roll down a hill, which went round a corner to get home. So the point... You didn't really do this. I did. I'll send you videos of me, like, get into the top of this hill.

And it's like... These will be on our Instagram, please. And I had to do this, like, all the way down. What are you talking about? It was... Because that's the only way I could survive. That's a hell. I'm not being the...

I'm not being the only person that goes that doesn't ski, who then also has to get airlifted. No, obviously, that's a hell. That's hell. That's hell. Humiliating. None of them get hurt. No.

Fuck. They thrive. I mean, great. I got her. I got her. fell over constantly. What the hell? We were walking in between bars and the evening

going bowling and everyone was like just walking and chatting and Brasas were like, I hate it. I'll face you, but Helen, remember when you said you got booked for skiing and I said,

I don't think you'll like that. You can't ski. And you were like, I thrive everywhere. Yeah. And what else did you say? I don't remember. I'll be able to ski.

Your words. I'll be able to ski. I was incredible in 22. Yeah. I really, the self-belief. You were like me when I got into a car. I was like, I've seen this done before. I assume I can drive.

And you're so bad at it. So bad. Which is my lane? But are you serious? Do you think Ellen and Georgie will make you go skiing? I fucking hope. Because it's kind of like. Not now.

No. But you've got what you wanted. You wanted your best friend and your girlfriend to bond. Yeah, but here's what I'm saying. They go skiing. We go somewhere warm. Or. else, somewhere else.

Like you go on holiday with me and they go skiing. You'd miss your girlfriend way too much. We'd be fine. I reckon you'd be pathetic enough to go skiing and just sit in as far. No, I'm not.

I'm not that pathetic. Promise me? I promise you. I hate... We go to York a bitch. What you're forgetting is, what you're forgetting is, I hate being bad at things.

Your issue is being excluded. My issue would be not being even near to the best. Also, do you have any idea how much it costs just to get on skis? How much? Like £500 pounds. What?

to get the rental and the ski lift passes. I mean, they were given to us free by the festival. Okay. But, like, that's how much it would cost in general. So if anything, you don't want to get into it. To probably fall. And then me and Francis had a really pathetic afternoon. My friend Francis, I went with, who also doesn't ski,

where we had this, like... Did they try at all? No. Did they not? No, we didn't. Did neither even take a baby class? No, because to take a baby class, we'd have to spend about £100 on these trousers

and get these goggles. Wait a second. Wait a second. Did you go skiing with no skiwear? I don't see how everyone is so shocked by this. But why would you... Like, you've known me for so long? Why would you go without the option of...

Why wouldn't someone tell me? That you needed ski trousers? Yeah, well, what do you think ski trousers are? They're like thick and insulated and they'll... They're like, they've got that shiny exterior. Waterproof. Yeah, okay, you're right, yeah. Yeah. So I went to TK. Max the night before and got leggings.

Oh! Addie-Duff leggings. Yeah. Well, okay, to be fair, here's the good thing about having a posh girlfriend. I went to Finland to film and I needed ski treasures. She had it. Not to, not to ski, but just to be warm. She didn't have any of my size, so she was like, one second, I'll just text the girls.

All I had, as far as offering equipment, was Harriet Kemsley, an hour before I'm leaving for the airport going, oh my God, you're going skiing, do you have a helmet? You can borrow my helmet. Oh, wait, it's got a crack in it from the last time I got concussion. Like, oh, thanks, Harriet. What a great offer. I look at you. like

wait so did you enjoy any of it we went to the spa okay how was the spa and the gigs were really fun were they fun and it was really fun drinking with everyone in the evening but was

were the gigs not for skiers yeah the audience were skiers yeah but I'm quite violent on stage anyway you are yeah though I got out

like two days worth of falling stress and anger heaven like we saw like babies just like toddling around on ice just absolutely fine oh yeah that's the first thing

Georgie said to me when I was like oh I want to say skis she was like what age did she start at I was like what what it's a cult they have the ski school it's just like

literally like I'd say six month old fetuses fuck all on skis maybe not six maybe four or five years old no I think you can start at like three months it's so weird yeah it's fucked up okay I'm not putting my children on ice I don't think anyone should put that child on ice

I don't like music unless they're going to professional figure skaters and perform a Disney on ice they were talking about different But you know what, that is, that's not a sport, it's an art. I have to sport. Eh. Oh, my question is, you liked the boozing. Was that food any good?

I don't think French food's that good. Sorry, what? Is that really bad to say? Sorry. What? Okay, you can not like skiing, but you can't. You don't think of French food. food is that good.

What do you think an Osabuku is? Not something French. It's school meat, isn't it? Like meat that you get served at school. That's not French, babe. We got given boiled pasta at one point. Also not French. Of course you don't think French food is.

But we were in France. Yeah, but you were eating shit Italian food. Fondue was good. Yeah, fondue's delicious. And French. And me and Francis would go to this cafe and have a cakey every afternoon. What kind of cake we're talking? I had a pear and almond tart.

Fuck yes. And then I had a, like, not a pan of chocolate, but something else, like a tart of chocolate, maybe. Fuck, yeah. Or something like that. Yeah. And then Francis had something else with cream. Okay.

Why are you being for? Winnie little. Okay. I don't love it. Oh, we got an email about this, actually. Oh, no. About this? About Helen.

Um, uh, our shirt show. I thought you're going to be like, on the conspiracy of French food. No, but honestly, in general, like, food in France and England is not good. This is a message about about the, because obviously we had a bit of controversy with Bluey, who also said I'm only

for. Oh yeah, go on. And we obviously made a thing of that. Did we make it first? I've not checked that still. I will check that. But this is the email that says, I've stayed quiet enough about it. But as of the last episode, I can no longer bite my tongue. I've stayed quite a bit. Who is this prison?

Helen's appropriation of toddler culture is harmful and dangerous. She is an adult woman and has access to many privileges that the toddler community simply does not have. She has to stop. Who is this? I'm not. I'm not allowed. I'm not allowed in daycare.

I'm not allowed in soft play. Helen, did you, sorry, did you catch that bit where Andrew just looked at me, dead in the eye and went, Oh, don't worry, Catherine. It's a joke email? Sorry, I'm so sorry. No fucking way, Andrew. Thanks so much. You looked at me like I was in trouble.

I'm sorry. Wow. Wow, wow, well. How can I appropriate toddler culture if I'm only four? Is four a toddler age? Yeah. I think four is going to school age. I'm a very little four.

You're a toddler if you're a little four. I hate this, by the way. I wanted to stop, but I don't think she's appropriate. Dini, dine. Young child, maybe. If I was allowed to be a toddler, I'd be in soft play. Not because of it being appropriated. I want to be a tumble top.

I want to be a tumble top. Oh my God. I've got to tell you this as well. I tumble-tooted like three times. You weren't. You know, a big mouth, you fall over and you fart, sometimes you tumble-toot? Tumble-tooting.

Don't look at me like that. Tumble-tooting. I tumble-toot it. I fell over and I farted out of the shock of the fall. Why are you telling me this? Because tumble-tooting's funny. I'll say one more thing on pancake before we bring in our guest, and Catherine inevitably tells me to move on.

it was incredible watching the autistic members of my immediate family showing emotion at a funeral my dad's parents died within like two weeks or a week of each other when I was like 11 and like genuinely no emotion but pancakes funeral I felt it

it felt real it felt no one got only I got a bit choked up because I started giggling I didn't mean to I was reading W.H. Orden's almost like that happens. Stop the clocks. For boss, say. And I just realized how ridiculous it was that I was doing it, and I giggled, which was a mistake.

Yeah, you don't want to do that. We live and learn. Anyway, to the zoo. To the zoo. But first I'll guess. Oh, yeah, of course. Everybody remind yourselves, obviously, of pancake Tuesday when you can, pop it in your diary.

Although it probably already is in there. Hey, don't worry about a bit of battle of a poiny, is it? Anyway, listen, let's introduce I guess. That was a terrible idea from. me. Hey, it's Ruben K! Hello! It's Helen of the Helen and Catherine show with Helen Bauer. We've got lots of previews coming up. Me, myself, Catherine. Andrew, any previews? Yeah.

Here we bloody guy. Let's go through mine first. I'm at Vault Festival in London. I'm going to the Leicester Comedy Festival. I've got some dates coming up in Bath, in Brighton, in Edinburgh. The dates will be on my website. I just haven't put them all there yet. But please, please come to them. So far, they have been lots of fun

and lots of things I'll never say again. Catherine. Yes, please. You've already started working project progressing. I need to do some progressing. So I have... Oh, go see Catherine's first too, if you want to watch someone not do.

Yay. Not thrive. Yikes. Thank you. Fuck you. I do very well at work and progressing. You do, but you don't take it well when you've got a fully formed joke and it goes silent. Yeah, I get quite difficult, but that's fair and true.

I feel like I need to protect myself. So I'm doing Angel Comedy Club on the 23rd of March. I'm doing same Angel Comedy Club on the 5th of April. I'm doing two north down this, like a couple of times, a couple of Sundays, I think. This is all going to be on my website, but it's not currently. I also have some in Top Secret. So all over London, I'm going to be working, progressing there's

shit out of my shit I have a lot of new stuff I just don't know which of it works so please come and tell me but like with your laughs not with feedback I don't want any feedback I don't respond well I don't need I will kill you

Mr Andrew why are you in Leicester too I am at the Leicester Comedy Festival on February 25th with my new show which is called man on man sexy sex sex By the time this comes out, I will have endeavored to put all those dates on my website. Although Andrew did something finicky with my website that I now don't know how to work it.

So once he fixes that, I'm not put them right on my website. Hey, Andrew, can you please let me fix my website? Thank you so much. See you in a live show soon. Okay, bye. Hello, it's Ruben Kaye, everybody. It's Ruby Kaye! Oh my God.

Is it Marlon Brando? I know. You look divine. And I love that. I was like, you look like Marlon Brando and you're like, please, I have a theatre premiere later on and it's like, of course you do. I'm insufferable.

You look, no, you're gorgeous. You're gorgeous. I hate when people are, it's almost better. I'm like, at least you're dressed up for a reason and I don't just feel like a piece of shit. No, you all look gorgeous. I think there has been a turn in podcasts where we went, oh, yes, we just want an audio medium.

Just an audio medium when no one has to try and then someone has to try and then what if we also added cameras? Oh shit, then we have to add lights and then we have to add makeup and clothes and things like. that. I think it's really brave of you to eschew all of those things, not wear makeup. You're a feminist icon. She's wearing makeup. It's the worst.

This is the first episode in like 20. I've actually put makeup on for. And you know what? I did the exact same this morning. And you know, it's because truly the fear of a gay man in the studio, I was like, I'm putting makeup on. I'm putting makeup on. I'm putting makeup on. I can't with it. I'm putting makeup on. And why do you feel okay to attack me and not Catherine? Because you left and I arrived and you just walked out of here. on a phone call. Katta and I had bonding time.

Yeah, that's true. But isn't it amazing how insidious misogyny now works, that it is apparent in gay culture and not only directed at ourselves in Femphot, sh, don't do it. Tom Allen's going to have me whacked. But also, it's now implanted in women, but oh, my God, there's a game,

and I've got to look like a woman. I can just be me. I've got to be a real girl for the sound. I don't even want to fuck me. Come on. I don't even want to fuck. It's like weird, although you, none of us, none of us at this table, with the exception of maybe Helen, want to fuck.

I don't know, I've just met you and I'm getting a real. I want to fuck you. She's so into game and she's so. Yeah, your personality is the better. All of them. How many sides do you have? I don't know. I buy him in bulk.

Helen was like, I'm dating this guy and he's handmade me a bath bowl. I was like, yeah, I was like, that's a gay boy. He also left a condom in me and then didn't lick me out and he watched the goofy movie. Well, what's the point of that? You have to go to the soft serve machine when you go to Pizza Hut. Thank you. The fun factory. Oh, I'm real happy about that. I wish my clit tasted of ice cream. I don't want sprinkles on mine. I've always got sprinkles on mine. Like just a couple of shaving mix. Do you know what I mean? Like little scabby sort of sprinkles. Is that your tinder? I've always got sprinkles on mine.

Helen, it's like that G-spot moment. Do you know where your clit is? Yes, under the hood. Under the hood of the top. Okay, I'm just saying it probably doesn't have hair as long I'm saying. It probably doesn't have hair. You'd be surprised. And that's why I'm saying probably because only with you would I be like, okay.

Because hair can grow long pubic ways, you're right? And then it can sort of like... It's drooping down. It's true. It wouldn't be drooping. It's quite stiff. Well, I don't know. My mum's had two gay son, so I think her clitoris is a disco ball and her pubic hair is chiffon.

Oh, that's so. That's how I look at it. That's what I want then. It's always weird to me when straight women or indeed straight men kind of are like eschew the idea of like vaginas tasting go there like so you like I wish to taste of ice cream. I'm like, babe, vaginas taste amazing. Leave them alone.

Here's the thing. She's disgusted her face. Did you see that? Have you not? Did you see that? Have you not? Oh no, she's never. She's the straightest woman I've ever met truly.

I know. Can I say this? Yeah. As a fully functioning. Are we flustered? I'm inside you now. As a fully-fledged member of the Judy Garland Appreciation Society, gay.

Gay's. I have also had some bisexual experiences. Oh my God, congratulations. And loved it, loved it, loved eating pussy. Yay! And it's beautiful, it's lovely. You don't have to love it, but I do love it. Look, for me, it's a bit like a toddler eating broccoli.

Like, it's going to look like a little. I've eaten it, but I've just pushed it around my plate a bit. But vaginas kind of just taste like vaginas. Not, dick. They just taste a bit like they just take genitals taste like genitals. Yeah, I do agree with you there actually. But then why do we have to use Femfresh and you guys don't have wives? No, you don't have to.

No, you don't have to use Femfrette. What I would say is actually that the opposite is true that men should like just wash more. So it's not like they their dicks taste like genitals usually, except for the fact that they don't clean. I know that because guys get in a shower sometimes and they're out within like 60 seconds. And it's like, you've got wet, but I don't think you've washed and there is a difference. And I'm not saying I'm like exfoliate. I face fanny and feet and I'm out. Do you know what I

mean? But I, I, I 3F. My housemate also does face fanny and feet. Correct. Respect. But I think this is a British, excuse me, did know that reflex still worked. I think this This is a British, a British thing about cold. Like, fuck, fuck, fuck, it's cold, it's cold. Jump in the shower, get done, and get out. Yeah.

Because, I mean, when you're in Australia. I'm scared of you from Australia. I'm scarred by colonialism, but I'm also part of the problem. And also, so middle class, if I had a stroke, I could smell burning bryosh. So I get in a show. I'm middle class too. This is insane. We're bombing.

You're not floating. I'm going to be eating your pussy by the end of this. And you're going to be eating my. She'd be so happy. I got told this was a very smart, intelligent. No, you didn't. No, I really didn't. But to have like a long shower, I mean, we're a country ravaged by drought,

but like a good 15 minute, 20 minute. Whoa, you're having a 15 minute. I'm not allowed in Australia. Two minutes you meant to have a shower. I'm not touching you. I bathe almost every day. Almost. As in like I shower maybe once a week and I have a bath every other day.

Okay. Matt, that is insanity. What in the Angela's ashes is going on? She wakes up and gets in the bath and I think it's weird. Is it got water in it or just poverty? Yeah, no, at 7, this morning I had it. It does feel very Irish potato famine, doesn't it? I actually, I keep the bath full the entire week and I get in.

And I do my dishes in it on Sunday. And then we cook pasta. That would be better for the environment. I probably should do that. I am, no, I, this morning I did yoga at 7 and I was in the bath by 8.15. I got a lot of morning bath. It's so luxurious. I don't. I can't.

No. It's an evening thing. It sends me to sleep. I can't, because I have a very hot bath. Me, I have, um, me too. Love. Even me too. Stop flirting. It's never going to happen. Like when your, like, skin like tingles of it and it's like you're burning, but like you're sort of pushing yourself. So hot. It's like I'm poaching my balls. No, I don't like that. Then you. Oh, my God. Helen, stop it.

Oh. That's my clit size. This is perfect. Right. Like a cherry. so we're pleasure. She's present. Kransky. What are you doing? I'm dipping a nacho in Helen Bauer's clitoris.

Do I need to be here anymore? Yeah, we need a witness. Why do you live in London? Do you know, I'm staying on a sofa bed in Dollars Hill because I am... Oh, my God, wait a minute. I love that for you. You come over for how long?

I leave on February the 9th. I came over for a short month. A short month? Yeah. Hey, just a short month to, like, do some. television, go to some theater premieres, and skip to Spain. Oh, start a podcast. It's also at number 15 in the UK. Sorry. Oh, what? That's amazing.

Come to Daddy. Oh, my God, that's amazing. Okay, listen to Come to Daddy. Oh, my God, yes, please. And so, what is that podcast about? So the podcast is me interviewing comedians about their parents and how much their parents have contributed to the person they are, the material they have, for better or worse. Heaven. Oh, my God.

Get Catherine a little bit. I feel like the kind of thing where we're like My parents are so tired of my shit I think they'd be like Please stop slagging me all Please My mum loves that But then they also need to stop being them

Problematic You can't really turn it around can you And be like the thing is we've had amazing guests on We had Rosie Jones We had Daniel Fox Who was just the campers thing This beautiful young Almost as camp

Well we both came wearing pearl necklaces So it's a case of like My dream spit roast My dream spit roast You thought you had to explain What your mother is had done to me Is that what you're going to? No we did feel we had to monetise it

We had Rosie Jones just blew Of course Everyone away as she does I love her parents as well They're the fucking bomb Joan Just amazing

Shazia Merza launches tomorrow Who was like Oh my God It was like sitting I didn't need to do anything It was like a tornado just, she started spinning and going. I'm like, oh, well. We're fine.

I think it was one, that was one of the first episodes we recorded. It was my first time ever recording a podcast, and I was. Ever? Ever. And also the first time I had. You don't have a podcast in Australia? No. Oh, that's a bad.

Too much racism. Of course. We, and it was the first time I'd ever, I hadn't even listened to a podcast. So I just sat down and thought I was going to chat to Shazzy Mercer. You're not like the regular guys, are you? You're just different. Don't make the guess with their copy out

You're different Don't That's so stop It was that your Was that your That is what With so much fluid From my clit

One of your clit Are you blowing your clit Ting ting ting I just stop in it Can I have a new one please Can I have a new one One of my handing Tissues on this day

Like I'm put a fucking Virginal chaperone Can you take the hand you know what If it's just What the fuck What's also interesting Is I am more

I think I'd be more freaked out By the fact that it was your nose But if it was literally your clitit Yeah It's actually her tissue from her weeping eye ClitX I've got Clitx! Clitx!

They should Oh my God, Clitx From a little box That looks like a vagina I would buy those Perfect And it's like a little nub of the tissue Because it is always slightly wet

Like that's the thing The amount of times You get home at the end of the day And you're like When did I didn't come You know How sex is like... Hello.

When are you not? I'm not well, right now. I hate you both. I hate you. In a constant stage of just like moist arousal. For a good thing. Yes, though. I have a question that isn't about your vagina.

Hey, so Australia and England, different comedy scenes. Yeah. What's your biggest observation, difference-wise? Helen's vagina isn't in Australia. Uh-huh. I get it. I'm coming. See you in May.

Yeah. For comedy fest? I don't know. Oh, that's in April. Sorry. Sydney and Perth and May. I'm going to be in Sydney. Shut your whole mouth.

At the end, more theatre? I don't know. Okay, fine. Oh my God, this is so exciting. Probably, great, great. Actually, could you, while we're chatting, could you just grab a couple of coffees? Oh, my fucking God.

I don't know. What are you having? I don't know how I feel left out of the queer community in this dynamic. I'm like, hello? Hello? This is such an example of how queer people would rather get the approval of straight people than bond with each other. I'm like, hey guys, hey guys, hey guys, hey guys.

but I do just ultimately want your attention for fuck sake. We're both fighting over Helen. I have not been this turned on in a while, and you said I had to go on three dates this month, and I think I might have just found one. Do you want to go out with me? She needs to go on dates. No, no, no. Why do that sound like a threat?

Do you want to go, do you want to be my boyfriend? Oh my God, am I in Cape Fear? I don't blink when I come out of water. I thought you said I don't blink when I come. I'm like, that's weirdly, I call out my own name. Oh, with your eyes, Ellen. I refuse to. Come on with your eyes.

Why do it look like you? It's like someone sneezing with their eyes over and they just started a blood nose. Hemorrhaged. Guys in general love it when you get a bloody nose because they can take care of you because you're only little. No, they don't. Don't leave me. Hey, you back on me? You back on me?

You back on me? I think it's time that I interact with my community more. Please. You know what? back, baby. Right, let's talk about jazz hands and red shoes. Are you not dating? Oh, no, I'm not... Are you in a relation? No, I'm not, well, I am with me

and with our agent. Oh, yeah, no, I'm sorry. I hope to see it. Yeah, that's a pretty big relationship, but I, but still bar. No, I, um, I go through periods where I medicate myself with casual sex. Sure. It's so moorish. Nice. Um, it's possible to overdose on. Yeah, no, impossible. Definitely nobody's ever

damaged themselves that way. Hey, you're a quick question. You can get cramp. Yeah, are you, okay, since you want to answer my comedy question, what's the main difference between Grindr in London and Grindr in Australia? Oh, Grindr in London, people are, oh, it depends on area. If you're in Melbourne, people on Grindr, like, I want to get to know you a little bit, and then bang. Like, they're getting to know you is this surface thing. They'll pretend. Yeah, it's not really a hookup.

It's, oh, it's like when a drug dealer comes over and you just have that chat. Yeah, yeah. Oh, drugs, maybe? Oh, I never chatted to a drug dealer. Oh, me neither, me neither. No, no, no, you draw me in. It's like a puppy in the middle of the room. Sorry, I'm already peeing.

Oh, no. And in Sydney, it's like, where are you, dick's eyes? Oh, my God. Sometimes, not even where are you. Because if the dick's long enough, they can reach you from wherever. I'm going to thrive and disset me. You are. You are.

You are just like vaguely. Oh, yeah, grind is not for me, is it? I don't know. You feel like a top. I'm not a big girl. Like, I can dominate. get it okay so and in london it um it's a mixed bag like it's not as defined at it the attitude isn't as defined by area code okay post code you can meet i could be anyway

can find englishman attractive um because i'm gonna say it i don't sorry i find i don't have a type okay but not english it's what takes me in the mood not well yeah but you have a history with them like i'm russian and german like no one oh yeah no Or everyone wants to fuck me. I'm German Tay. Oh, one of the good ones. Oopsie. That is not.

Shaisa. My mum's one of the good ones, although every so often she gets a bit over-eager with a pot roast and I question it. Wait, so grandparents, German? Grandparent Russian. But German Jews. German Jews and Russian Jews. She's just German. I understand.

Yeah. Oh, how quickly you come over the side of the table when you need me for a little solidarity? I don't know. It kind of adds a bit of danger to. whatever's going to happen between us. I don't think it makes you being a top. Jack boots and high heels. Do you want to go to Berlin together?

To what? To Berlin. Please let's go. Have you been before? Yeah. I live there. Oh really? Yeah.

A boy who she wasn't dating broke up with her by not being in a relationship with her and then she moved to Germany as a reaction. I mean, fair. Yeah. Logical. Yeah, you think that's normal? I think. I thought he'd follow.

Oh, hello. She stayed for two years waiting for him to arrive. She speaks fluent in German there. Hallushen. My libeok nadel. Chatsy. I'm so clean. You have your smelts and hurts.

Gaginau. My drag name is Jaya Ganao. No. I don't know what it means, but I just want to be included. Actually, it's Vasilyniglindian, but if I'm in Berlin, it's Jaya Ganao. I love Selindian. How grush. This is my.

It's the person syndrome. the silver cast of Renee Angelil's hand that she has backstage so she can shake it. Everyone loves Celine Dion. You can't just claim Celine Dion. I went to go see her. I went to go see her performing in Hyde Park and her opening out was Josh Grobin singing empty chairs, empty tables

on the piano. Gay. Oh! Gay. Fuck off. It was incredible. Okay, before we forget how the podcast works, Andrew, do you have a problem for us to solve? Are you happy to help us with listener problems?

Oh, do we do things? Oh, so what happens is they tell us a sad problem and then we help? Yeah, I think we are the three people. I think we've got this. What is this, like, the worst remake of Hocus Pocus ever? Oh my God. My name's Winifred.

Who's yours? I put a smile on you. Wait, who do you think I'm here? I'm not looking at the horse. You're a horse. Hang on. Am I Kathy Najee? I'll take Kathy Najee.

I'm Bat Miller. I have red hair. I'm a lead. I'm Jewish. I'm a natural lead. I have red hair You're a blonde You're the virgin that blows the candle

Fuck see I've sat on a hoover So I'll be Kathy and Jimmy CREvas attachment I once put a hairbrush on my vagina See how deep it was with moisture Handle or Whimp

Are you kidding I'm tired Handle or bristle Oh so shoot me I'm tight If you are that tight I'm shooting in you not at you I feel like I'm in year 10 again and I'm trying to get Chris Beck to go to problems

I hate this, you're a toxic man Come on, quick Andrew, tell us a problem Technically my gender pronoun is talented This is a problem entitled Creating Sexual Content Online This is from Kay Hi Kaye Firstly, thank you all so much for this podcast

It gets me through the week It makes me feel like life is okay Oh wow That's very sweet It's true because it's not okay. No, that's fair. It keeps happening. But also the, lesbians keep telling me that we, like, do just that.

Like, we cheer up to or make their week better. And I'm like, I do not get these messages. I'm like, no, Helen, but have you ever met you? Yeah, but also I'm like, oh, God. I hate that everyone's having a terrible time. Listen, all I'm saying is our stupid podcast where you both ignore me is actually doing some good. Carry on, Andrew. Kay goes on to say.

Yeah, you're right. She's better middler. Fuck on. Okay, it goes on to say, I fully support people who do sex work, and though there is still ignorance out there, I think most of us can agree that there is no shame in only fans, and obviously any kind of consensual sex work. However, what about creating sexual content that you don't get paid for and just do for fun? I've been exploring my own sexuality through creating audio pornography and posting it online in a space dedicated to this type of thing. I love that. I love it. I do this just for fun because I find it sexy.

I also love the feedback I get makes me feel great. great and I get to explore fantasies in a safe way however I grew up in a very sexually repressed environment sex was not spoken about Not me, we know

Not me My mum told me the best sex she ever had Was a gay man when I was 12 My dad's favourite sexual position Was under my mother's thumb I feel it Do you not This is mad

Let's go better Italian I'm pregnant Sex was not spoken about unless it was for shaming a woman for being too promiscuous. I've also experienced sexual trauma. I have difficulty coming to terms with the sexual side of myself.

Because of these things, I sometimes wonder if I'm bad for creating this stuff just for fun, am I weird and gross for liking this kind of thing? No. Is this actually damaging to myself and should I stop? I've always found this hard to talk about. I've had a lot of therapy in the past, but I've just been worried about

people being disgusted by me. So any advice, validation, support, love would be much appreciated. Thank you, Kay. I don't think you ever have to worry about people being disgusted by you. Look at us three. We've never had that thought

enter our brains and some of us should. And people have told me they're disgusted on the table right now. Never thought, oh, they're disgusted by me. It seems like a you issue. What did we just talk about in the patron extras? I'm worried that I'm a minging manta. Yeah. Which was then confounded by you touching my snoring.

And then Morrill and Brando walks in and is trying to fuck you since he got here. Everything's fine. No, because he keeps going to your side of the table. No. Okay. No. Number one, if you're worried about it but doing you harm,

then just check in with yourself every now and again like you are and just go... Before we do any solutions. Should we guess what the audio porn sounds like? Oh, no, that's all right now. Do we listen to some of it? We're on such different wavelengths. I just wanted to name and acknowledge

that this person has been very vulnerable and also say that it's awful and difficult to hear and we're sorry that you have experienced... Oh yeah, thank you for being vulnerable. And that also this is a completely understandable conflict in sexual people. And now, Helen, you can, I guess, mimic this person's audio. Is it like a remix with, like, The Muppet Show? Like, it's time to sing the music.

That's what you think. That's what you'd think. A friend of mine lost her virginity. To the Muppet Show? Yeah, Mumpet Show was playing on the TV while she lost a virginity on the living room floor. And so now every time she comes And she's literally like, Why do we always come here?

I guess we'll never know. It's like a kind of torture. You have to watch a joke. Make it end. Make an end. I'll say you tell that whole story just to show you could sing. Go on.

Now, I love, I really love pornography and sex work. And to be honest, a proud user of sex work. A lawyer, sorry, shall we say, instead of a user. So I really don't. don't see any shame in it, especially if you have agency and you're safeguarding your own boundaries and safety, which it feels like, okay, you're doing.

Great name, by the way, big fan. And also, I think there's something so, like, sexy and freeing about only using one sense in porn, like just listening to it. Yeah. I think it's really beautiful. I do that with taste, close my eyes, put dominos in my mouth. Okay. Sexual.

Here's what I think the question is, though, is. It's like, should you be shamed for making audio? What's the sexiest sense? I think the real question is how much Thorazine will be used to take down Helen. Now, what is Thorazine? Thorezine is melatonin. It's a high-powered sedative. Yeah.

Oh, a lot. That we use for psychotics and bull elephants. Oh, then, yeah, about two bull elephants worth. Great. Yeah, because I'll fight it. I'll fight it. I know a poacher. Hey.

It's not salient sentence. All right. I think one, I think like, I think as porn goes, audio is like, I think a fairly, like, tame version of porn. Like, as in like, it's not like, you're not visible nude or anywhere. So if you're, like, worried about it being, like, exposing, I think it's, I think it's, I think, A, there's that. Not that, like, even if it was the most extreme, we would have to be judged. But I'm like, who, I think the real question is, who are the people who would be likely to call you disgusting? Yeah.

And why are they in your life? It's always that thing of and I think it happens with every person and especially with comedians that we already judge the activity or we judge the response before we've received it because that's a reflection of how we internally feel. I was trying to find a way to say that at a preview at the weekend. That's so clever. Oh, is that would have had. No, you're right.

It is. That's so true. It's like the editor in your brain when you're trying to create. That's already like, well, that's not going to work it. That's not going to work. And you're like, whoa, got to put this down. And especially if you're trying to access a sexual part of yourself to record this intimate setting and then you're going, oh, no, what if they find me disgusting?

Am I a bad person? How limiting that must be. So I feel for you, Kay, but I really say keep going. Also, so hard because there's so many, like, quiet moments in sex. Like, how do you feel that violence? Sometimes I'm just crying. Yeah. Okay.

Here's what I would say is I think I'm, like, the people who theoretically shouldn't understand the scenario by which I mean I don't use porn, which people find really implausible. Do. I know. I love a sexy book. I am very imaginative. I have always had a lot of sex, which isn't to say the people who use porn don't.

It's just for me, I don't know, I'm very good at recall. Shall we say that? Okay, great. I've got a lot of recall. Autographic memory. I can describe to you like five different things that could type into porn hub and exactly what that search results page looks like,

including percentages of reviews. But that's what I'm right to say is, it's like I don't use porn and I'm not judging you. So like, as in this idea that like, here's a thing, Most people use porn. Like, I don't know why we keep lying about this. There's a reason that sex work still exists, and it's that there is a demand for sex work.

Yeah. So we love to judge the creators of or actors in porn and sex work as if no one is availing of those services, as if it's not a, like... It goes beyond... I think we have a deep, obviously, a deep-seated shame about our own bodies and our own bodies as sexual beings. And also we have a compartment.

of sex where it goes, we just put it in a box and it only lies there as this dirty, filthy thing, this animalistic need, but through amazing sex work, you can discover and break through a huge variety of things about yourself. I'll just tell a little juicy secret here. Oh my God, tell a juicy secret. I'm sorry, turn a random face. One of my kinks is being tied up blindfolded and edged and knelt for like. For like two hours where I cannot control, I'm like begging to. Does that not drive you mad, but turns you on as to get madder? Yes, because it's, I, um, I, I live quite like a high-paced control, frustrated life.

Yeah. And then to have like, that, the frustration be out of my control and just be there. It's so, but in Zuri. You could never be tied up. I could never. I could never. I would be so, she wouldn't even be sexy. You'd just be mad. I be furious.

I'm like one of them. Ellen ties you up. and just, like, drip some candle wax on your carpet. She would never. She would never. I'm just, I'm using metal on a non-stick pen. I'd be like, she would like, I'm leaving this door a jar. I'd be like, I'm looking out.

You're letting the heat out. You know, in those moments. I'd be very good for you. It'd be so easy to end. I'm moving this an inch. Oh, I can edge you right now. Like, done. I'm sorry.

I've mixed whites and reds in the washing machine. wrong with you. I would never. I would never be tied up. I, I can't imagine taking any length time to come. It's a no from me. If I've decided I'm having sex, let's make it efficient. You would have to find your own. What do you think would be the thing that you feel you not lack in your life, but don't necessarily get to explore very often? I'm not very spontaneous. So just like, I don't know what. Okay, let's do what happening now. Imagine it. That feels, that feels. If you. If you. If you. If you. If you. You told Catherine to live her life for a week without your diary.

Just to live it, just to see what happens each day. She just twitched. I am a walking to-do list. That's true. Yeah, I guess I don't do anything like languagely or restfully. It means I decided how the day is going to go and that's how it's going to go. No, you should be, listen, I can't fathom bottoming in any way or like submitting in any way that is bizarre. I think maybe that could be something interesting for you to explore.

Yeah, I'm good. Here's what I'd say is this person should not be judged about. No, and also thank you so much for bringing that into my world. I did not know there was audio porn. I'm genuinely fascinated. Does it come with Braille? There's a thing that's always being advertised to me on podcasts. That is audio porn.

It's called dip something. Can you Google, Andrew, please? It's like women. It's otolengie porn. Because I love, because I do love. Like, I love erotic, like, books. Like, you know, if I'm, like, suddenly books sexy, I'm like, hello. Oh, my God, I have a thing for you.

Is it, um, Dipsy stories? Yeah. Googling audio porn dip does get some weird results. I can see that. Yeah, Dipsy. They're all, like, sexy stories for ladies. There's also, by the way, nifty.org. What's that?

Online. It's an online, I was about to say reliquary. And I'm meant to say repository. I don't know, either of those. I'm like, those are very big words. Repository is the tablet you put up your ass. It's true. Okay, no, thank you.

And the other one is? An old religious artifact, a reliquary. Oh, it's a story to say four religious article. Anyway, moving on. We're learning so much. Nifty.org, this is my brain. I'm so sorry. Nifty dog is a suppository of online, what's the word, written, erotica, of every different kind of genre.

I can get into that. If I'm not worried about workers' rights, I can enjoy every second of it. Correct. But I always get distracted by the... And just so imaginary. Imaginatory. Yes, yes, yes. It's so bad, but like...

Amazing. And ultimately, like, it shouldn't distract me, but I cannot enjoy porn because I'm always like, where did, what was your day like? Did you, would have, where are you going after? Have you had time for lunch? Do you, like, I'm concerned about... I'm concerned about everyone involved.

I just feel like those poor straight boys need to earn enough money to a car payment. They're living their life. And those scenarios are real. Thank you for saying it. Thank you for fucking saying it. honestly fascinating and also you're good no shame keep going and also i think your your answer was in your email which was like you said that it was fun it was helping you discover things about

yourself sexually and that it was feeling liberating and that you like enjoy the feedback as long as your question like why do you like the feedback and is that something i can give to myself on another time so you don't like become in like inextricably linked to other people's to other people's affirmations and i think enjoy yourself stop it helen it sounds like a doll I'm crying. I hate it. Do you hear that? Yeah, it doesn't. You can hear that, right? It's like a... No, I'm halfway through Megan, and it's really triggering.

Oh, my God. Who's off the heart? I'm halfway through and is like, finish that later. Hi, I'm Ruben. Okay. Ruben Kay, where can people find you? You can find me on Instagram at the original Ruby Cake, the original Ruben Kay, because there's another Ruben Kay, who only has two photos and never.

post and I'm like give me my name oh my god get out of here I'm like proctor of fucking fine fine TikTok at Ruben case it is I got that that's an arthur miller play mm-hmm you're very intelligent who's the thick one now anyway um you can find me on ticot and at um on instagram all of those things i have my podcast come to daddy which is available where you can find all good podcasts yes um you can find me on youtube amazing and a couple of cc tv channels But they're two hours long. You know what I mean?

You've got to do a lot of scrubbing. Can't wait for Valentine's Day. So you're leaving on the 9th. Oh, God. Oh, my God. I'm going to leave these two there a date. Goodbye. Yay.

Hi. Thank you so much to our executive producers. Simon Moore's, Guy Goodman, Mary Fox, Annie Tonner, Sarah Harkay Deakin, and Oliver Jago. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. You guys are alleged. We're so grateful to you.

Also, thank you too. We have a new producer. Have very exciting. You do it all in one breath. Richard Bicknell L. Richard Bold, Neil Redmond, Victoria Hutchison, Emma Walton, Karen, David Ball,

Harold Van Dyke, Eddie Doyle, Tim and Dom, David Walker, Rachel R. Anthony Conway, Sadie, Cache, Clare Owen Jones, Jess and Nick, Zoe, Joe, Home, Sarah and Molly, Alex Pughy, Josie W. Amy, Cordelia, Ria Fink, Rachel Page, Helen A, Tina Lindsay,

Sophie Chivers, Graham, March, Emily G, Amy O'Reardon, Abby Worf, Key Webb, Matt Sims. Thank you so much and welcome to Matt. Sims to the story. Guys, thank you so much for supporting us. We're so grateful we couldn't do it without you. I know. It's been amazing. It's been amazing.

If you're not already a Patreon, you should be. Get on there. Come on. When work doesn't come in for us, it means that we can keep doing this and we don't have to run around scrabbling in a cafe. Exactly. And also, now if you're on the Patreon, you get the podcast without ads. Yes, please. As well as all the other benefits you get to and the extra episodes. I mean, there's so many extra. There's an extra episode where every episode is had it.

And the min shot. Anyway, thank you so much. I told you not. Bye!