Trusty Hogs - Ep71. LARA RICOTE / Aliens, Atheism & Amsterdam

Episode Date: February 9, 2023

Lara Ricote joins us this week via Spain, Amsterdam, and the Edinburgh Fringe where she won the 2022 Best Newcomer Award. She's here to question everything conspiracy theory style, metal detect for lost treasure and solve a listener problem about skiing and "mutual" breakups. Meanwhile Helen learns some more Irish history from Catherine...FOLLOW LARA: @LaraRicoteThank you so much for listening!Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Simon Moores / Guy Goodman / Mary Fox / Annie Tonner / Sarah Jarque-Deakin / Oliver JagoPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Karen & David Bull / Harald van Dijk / Eddie Doyle / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Jo Holmes / Sarah & Molly / Alex Pugh / Josie W / Amy / Cordelia / Raia Fink / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Sophie Chivers / Graham Marsh / Emily Gee / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Kie Web / Matt SimsWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You buy a pair of socks, that's two socks. You buy a pair of Bomba socks, that's four socks. Because one purchased is one donated. Sox are the number one most requested clothing item in homeless shelters. So when you buy a pair of super comfortable Bomba socks, you're also donating a pair. Bombas customers have powered over 150 million donations. So Bombas would like to thank you 150 million times, but we only have like 30 seconds. Go to Bombas.com and use code audio for 20% off your first purchase.

That's BOMBAS.com and use code audio at checkout. Feel good about Back to School with help from Whole Foods Market. Thanks to their high standards, you can keep banned food ingredients like high-fructose corn syrup out of lunch boxes all year. Check out Whole Foods Market unmatched selection of allergen-friendly options for all kinds of special diets. Find what you need without dairy, gluten, nuts, or whatever you're trying to avoid. Get back to school ready at Whole Foods Market, in store, and online. Hi Helen Happy Valentine's Day

Well first of all It's not until the 14th And today is a nine Helen Say hello Welcome to episode 71 of Trusty Hogg Hello and welcome to episode 71 Of Trustee Hoggs

Catherine wants to talk about Valentine I don't necessarily But are you Is somebody feeling a little bit defensive No I don't give a shit Love's all It's all Love was constructed by the Americans

To sell cards It really seems like Can I argue that It's such a sad British take to be like The Americans created love to sell us cards Not created Valentine's Day Created Love But I love you

I love you too That American emotion Through the fog Step forth the trusty hogs Yeah You're gonna give them your problems And they will solve them Or maybe they won't

And that's your problem They'll have guests And Andrew White on the tech Oh, it's Helen and Catherine And the trusty hogs Trust the trusty hogs Or maybe not Welcome to trusty hogs everyone

Welcome to trusty hogs Helen, I've got a little bit of a sweet heartwarming Valentine's story for you If you'd like to hear it if you could stop being so grumpy No, no, it's all right It's my favourite day of the year Okay, you're being a bit And that's fine.

You're entitled to me. That's fine. The only day, well, I've never been single, but I imagine if I was single on Val- when I was unhappy in relationships of Valentine's Day, it was very tough. Okay. I feel like anyone who's listening to this

will totally be able to pick which one of us they are in this. Like, whenever I'm in a relationship on Valentine's Day. And then me going like, well, no, I don't know what I'm a Valentine's Day. No, because I'm all, I should obviously take bigger breaks between relationships. Oh, my God.

I found my diary the other day from... Actually, never mind. No, no, don't. There's no, you are not allowed to start that. Here's what I'll say is, it said this. Bear in mind, this was a relationship where I, like, couldn't understand what... Like, I was like... Oh, the uni one?

No, I'm not going to tell you which relationship. But I remember being like, I thought everything was going great. And then I read this diary from when we're in the relationship, and I was like, it just said... lately she started sighing before she answers Annie of my God that's not good even oh no that's not good she what she'd go like how are you

oh fine yes yes yes wow I wrote that in my diary and then they like when we broke up I was like wow what that's intense sighing yeah Well anyway, that's not the happy announcement Although that has really perked you right up

It's also made me feel better That your girlfriend of now Which is a happy relationship Of now Porte put you a collagen protein drink Because clearly she thinks you're losing collagen in your face So just before this I took a sip out of this drink

That my girlfriend brought me It's a collagen drink as you say It's fucking disgusting Got 10 grams of collagen peptides in it Vitamin C B6 B12 magnesium I thought it was a care an act of care, you're right, it was an egg and now you're drinking it, so I guess she's helping you.

I'm fucking loving it. It's green apple flavoured. It tastes disgusting. It tastes like a skittal. Oh, maybe that's why not. I only like the red skittles. I'm the orange sometimes. Red for love. No, I'm so sorry. They've been desexed now, haven't they? What? The, oh no, that's Eminem. Sorry, my bad.

What did you say? I was about to say they've been desexed, but that's the M&Ms. I'm so sorry. Wait, they've got rid of the M&M characters? No, they've desexed them. They were too sexualized. Yeah, the green one was a whore. Like, did you see the green M&M? The green one's a queer icon.

She's a slut. She's a slutty queer icon. Are you kidding? Yeah, she's definitely. How's that queer icon? Come on, she's a bisexual. Yeah, okay. Come on, come on.

Bisexuals have been getting more slutty recently. I'll say that. Getting more. No, no, you've always been like slutty as by nature, but just like vibe-wise, like the slut culture is like fucking flying. That means the world. You're welcome.

It's a shame because I mean that straight culture's got more minging. You've never been not, though. No, but we've got like a bit more, like, oh, I'm straight. I genuinely worry about Oh, I'm pooing right now! Oh my God, why are you like this? I don't know.

Okay. So listen, we, you and I, for 60 weeks in a row, or however the fucking interminable all of COVID was, did an online gig every week called Gigless. Yes, ma'am.

From which a lot of our listeners have come. Yes. And during Gigless, yes. Do you remember there was a night? Because Andrew met this couple the other day. You know, maybe I should have Andrew tell the story

because he was there. Wait, what's this? But do you remember there was two lesbians, I mean, there could have been, I mean, there could have been, I need of the one at the nights. Every single night. So far, I haven't narrowed it down. Two lesbians who were on their first date.

Literally no memory. Really? You were so drunk that whole time, huh? Yeah, most of Giglis is an absolute blur of me trying not to break your chair after I break it in week two and then really wanting to go to the toilet but not being allowed to poo.

Like, it was so stressful. because my only options during lockdown were to poo at home with my housemate who had perfectionism or poo a Catherine who had perfectionism. So it was just like, either way I was really upsetting a woman who wasn't very mentally well.

Except that you weren't paying for half my toilet so you shouldn't poo at my house. Emma Black's yours is mine. What's yours is mine? Once you learn to light a candle and say a prayer it wasn't so bad. I'm a skitter. Andrew?

So I was gigging in Leicester. What? Okay. The bright lights. The bright lights of Leicester in the basement to less than 20 people. Fewer. Fewer than... Oh my, I'm so sorry.

That's a real bad slip up from me. Fewer than 20 people. See, he's ashamed. You can't give it to me when he agrees with me. I really am ashamed. So, anyway, there are fewer than 20 people in this basement in Leicester. It's a lovely gig. And there's a very queer middle row that were laughing extra hard at some like...

Cute. Disney Beauty and the Beast stuff. And I was like, oh, these are cool. I like these people. And they came up to me afterwards. And they went, are you, Andrew that used to do the tech on Giglis? And I was like, oh, yeah. And you were like hair flicking for hair you don't have.

Who am I? Yes. And they're like, oh, yeah, we used to tune in. I don't know if you remember. We had a first date on the Giglas Zoom. What are their names? They're Miranda and Ellie. Okay, Ellie and Miranda, right?

Yeah. So Ellie and Miranda, they were. What did they look like? Remind us actually ringing about. Remind us what they look like. One had shorter hair. Uh-huh. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

I can say if you can't. I wasn't okay with that either. I'm so sorry. That was awful. Did the one have a straight bob cut? Now I'm joking. That's fine. Short of hair.

Okay. So there was a girl one and a girl one because they're lesbian talent. Yes, I understand. Yeah. And anyway, they had met on, they had their first date on Zoom. I think they were in separate Zoom windows because it was, lockdown so they were in separate places but they were having a Zoom date and

they were like well this is now my wife so Miranda introduced me to Ellie and they are now married having had their first date on our Zoom gig in my living room basically in your living room yeah that's insane your marriage makers shut the fuck up oh my god they'll be

divorced in no time but that's so impressive no oh my god and also that means it took them two years to get mad good for you girls good for you you're waiting a normal amount of time instead of going immediately into it. I think that's pretty fast. No, not for you guys.

No, we move in mass. We don't tend to get married that fast, do we? This is amazing. They got married. We made a wedding happen? Yeah, we did. Can we make an invite? We would have got a shout out in the speeches

because you always refer to how they met, right? What did you say, Andrew? I just said, that's so cool. If you're listening to our podcast, you should ride in and then you should tell us, You should send us a photo of your wedding because we should also get any other weddings that we've organized or helped with via Tristan

They came to join us for their first day We organised it And then you should tell us Whether or not we were mentioned in your speeches Because we should be, thank you And there's a giggless baby A couple are pregnant This is insane

We make people aroused But what's insane is through all of this Neither of us have got any further along in our journeys Excuse me But you're in a relationship again But it was new with Catherine Like and I'm still thinking Like none of us are progressing

Apart from Andrew What do you mean? I'm progressing I have a girlfriend who's like much closer to my age Who I haven't moved in with That's true actually Yeah There was a nervous moment

When Catherine might have gone younger And it's like whoa No no no behave you though She's almost 30 She's not living with her I mean I'm in I'm still in therapy.

I haven't quit just because I'm dating someone nice. Which is really good. This is huge. That's a really good threat. Come on, I'm nailing it. And also, I'm learning to love myself. Sometimes before a binge, I ask myself if I'm hungry. And then I remind myself that I'm worthy of love.

Yes, Helen. I've done it once so far. And then I told my therapist, she's like, that's great. She's like, when was that? And I was like, two weeks ago. Did it make a difference? It did. It was a nice moment.

It was a nice moment to be like, you are worthy of love. You are. which I'm not saying for laughs I'm saying it as it is I am worthy of love but of course you are yeah but it doesn't feel that way I hear you but you are

I know and then also sometimes therapists say things where you're like go on you go first well it's just sort of like figuring out that whole like RuPaul like if you can't love yourself then how in the hell are you going to love anybody else which I thought was just a catchphrase

it's actually a thing yeah no yeah do you know what I mean like it just I thought it was like catchy and like good for Tisha and stuff, but it's like you do have to think you're worthy of love or you can't receive it because I've realised I block it. Really? In what ways?

Like if someone's like, oh, like even like a family member of something tries to give me love, I'm like, ugh. Yeah. Like why? Why? Oh, it feels performative. I think your work on its working though because I think you have gotten better at receiving love in the time that we've known each other. Thank you.

Genuinely. I really do. But like proper love. Yeah. You mean romantic love? Yes. Okay, so... No, no, all love's romantic.

I don't know that that's true. All loves romantic. Well, no, not quite. The way a daddy looks at his little... No, stop it! All love is love. You know, I was watching last night, Sunil Patel was away,

so I had the house to myself. So I went on a old people's home for four-year-olds YouTube binge work. Oh, my God, gorgeous. So, because it's, like, so lush. Yeah. And I was, like, ended up on the Australian one of it, and it's like they had this like sit down interview between a four year old and an old person

they'd be like what is love and the old person would be like oh well it's difficult because it's different for everyone um for me it's like a feeling in your heart in your head and in your whole body and then the kids go no wrong it's hugs and kisses and I was like oh like I wish it was that simple yeah you get so many hugs and kisses I get lots of hugs and kisses but like as far as the feeling but that's um that so katherine has worked on it by getting an older girlfriend and i've worked on it by learning to respect myself still younger than me obviously like i don't not dating someone this time next year this time next year i'm going to have a boyfriend yes and also if you don't you won't be less worthy of love like if i have a girlfriend that'll be

that'll be so cute i wish you could get a big butch i'd love it for you i'd love it for you someone to carry your handbag how big could that butch be though big we're looking for a real big butch we're talking for a tall butch if we've got any six foot five butchers like a hundie p get in touch that would be so hot yeah maybe six foot four that'd be so hot i don't want to be emasculated do you know what would be so hot no one's a tall woman around that would be so hot i'd love that for you um but i do i still feel like i need to learn to love myself more and i cannot do that until i have spent a month alone in india what i just have to sometimes i forget how white you are and there it is

I must find myself. Easy's ways to do that. Look at a map. You are here. Done. A bit of fun, isn't it? It's just a bit of fun. No.

Still somewhere to do. What are your Valentine's Day plans? Tell me. Do you want to come over to mine? There's now a theme of nagging, which is like... How is that nagging? No, no, because my friend bought me... Oh no.

She bought us tickets to a play about aging. For Valentine's Day? Yeah. What's the play? Age is a feeling That doesn't feel good Does she hate me? I mean that as well as a pro-collegeant drink

I'd have questions about me She always says she fancies older women But I didn't know it was in like In like a caregiving way The opening line of the play description is Inspired by Hospices Inscribed by Hospices mystics and Trips to the cemetery Why don't you just go see Mamma Mia?

What the fuck? Mama Mia's great. I don't like musicals. What the fuck? Okay. Still want to talk about Valentine's Day? Maybe I'm dying and I didn't know it. Do you want to talk about Valentine's Day?

Not really, to be honest. No one does. You're right. You killed it. Andrew, what are you doing Valentine's? I've left it clear, but I've not made a plan yet. I might do one of those. I've got to get it clear, but no plan.

Live it in hope. Live it hope. That's the sad as answer. Oh, just keep it free. Just keeping it free. You never know, he might have kept it free. Don't worry, Andrew. Maybe something will take you to a play by death too.

I did the opposite. I booked in two gigs. I have gigged every Valentine's Day since I started comedy. So it's been my first non-gig Valentine's Day. I was thinking about maybe doing, have you seen this TikTok trend where you have like two cards and you like hold them up to your partner. Yes, yeah, yeah.

Like they do it with kids to like pick with their wearing and stuff. Yeah. So you're like, oh, do lunch now, pick one of the cards. And they don't see what's on the cards. Right. And then they pick, they kind of like, choose your own adventure. Valentine's Day. What do they choose the wrong one?

Well, there's no... Yeah, you both would be nice. What, like, what are we talking? So, like, anal little blowjob, and then they pick, and then you just go straight in. I was thinking something, something more like, uh, Italian or... Indian. Pizza or, you know, that's... Pizza?

Italian or pizza? Italian or pizza? I need to work out of the kinks. Yeah, I think so. Also, could you have cards that say Helen or Catherine? I don't know when they pick that one bursts in the room. Stop trying to be part of their Valentine's time. I need something.

I need a plan. Andrew, I'd love to be involved. I'll ask for you. Italian or pizza. What were you thinking of your option? You know so much about food. Andrew, what a foodie. Could you do things like massage or bath and let you run him a bath?

Or you give him a massage? Like stuff like that. Yeah, maybe. He really wants to do a rage room. So maybe I'll book that. That's so romantic. Or maybe I'll save that for his birthday. But yeah.

I'd love a rage room. I think I'd need it. You'd thrive in it. But the worst thing is you wouldn't leave it during a time slot. Or you'd use five minutes to rage and then 25 minutes to clean. Could you imagine you wrecking a room and then leaving it a mess? I'm so sorry though. I'm so sorry.

No, honestly, I'll do it. I'll pay for an extra half an hour. Wrecking a room and then cleaning it up actually sounds like my two dream activities. It's like, that sounds nice. It really does. It sounds nice. There's been some hotels recently. I've stayed in where I'm like, Catherine was thriving here with some flash.

Yikes. Absolutely. Why are you staying as a shittles? I don't know. I really need to start reading reviews is something I've realized. Like, they're not just, because you always think reviews are just written by people who have like an enemy of the person from school. Do you know what I mean? Like, it's not a review.

It's just like, oh, I don't like them from school. So I'm like, something nasty. Or it's just the Hilton down the road slagging them off. fun because like Paris and Nicky are running out of cash there. There's a Hilton down the road and you didn't go there. Yes, yes many times. It's a very, very

expensive. Hilton's quite expensive. What a breakfast. What a breakfast. What a breakfast. No, I do you need to elevate where I'm staying but that will come with love and respect for myself. I'm putting a lot on loving myself. You really are. I think it's great. I think it's so good. My therapist today was like

sounds like a bit like you and your family sort of work from a slightly anxious place and I was like, Ireland. And he was like, no, That's not what I meant at all. And I was like, oh. I'm not getting good at this at all. I have something I used to talk to you about. Okay, stop touching me with your hand.

I was chatting with my agent, Irish woman. You know her. I do. And she casually mentioned you guys had a civil war. Yeah, huh? Awful. I had no idea. Do you want to tell me about it?

I thought it was between the Protestants and Catholics and she went, no, that's the troubles. And I went, well, I've heard about them. What happened? Are you joking? Yeah, when was it? I know we had one here, the Cavaliers and Roundheads.

Or as, oh my God! Who's listening to Spare? How much of this have you given me my... Oh, it's strawberry-flavoured, so you want to get the smell? But it's... I have enough to loop my whole body. No, I don't...

The point... I know, I have it on me because I touched you. I don't want to then touch you. Oh, dear. Oh, Em's got blue roll. Thank you, Em. What's going on?

Sorry, I've got to stretch it again. Cavaliers and Roundheads. That was our Civil War. Right, Andrew. Right. But... Have you guys listened to Spare yet? Sorry, Helen, are you diverting the Irish history conversation?

Prince Harry, yes? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you listened to Spare? No, I heard clips. I had to wait for my audible credit to come up. I got it. Ah! Oh, God, I just started everywhere, our pure excitement.

Get the blue roll again. Get the blue roll again. You are the most disgusting thing. I'm worthy of love. I'm worthy of love. I'm worthy of love. Thank you. Right.

If I am, just leave the blue roll. This could be a long day. Okay. Kathwin. Kathwin, you googling Irish Civil War? I want to get this right for you. Okay. And then in it, he talks about Cavillers and Roundheads

because all the boys at his private school used to compare their circumcised and uncircumcised penises and how was their nicknames for each other? Honestly, boys' private boarding schools are fucking mental. I can't believe none of you are listening to it. Yeah, okay. It's so good. Have you heard the Elizabeth Arden outtake?

Yeah, yeah. And Francis brought me the eight-hour cream, like, immediately. I've brought it around. It has ruined it for me. Oh, my. If any, I've never used it before. Number one, it's incredible. So shower to Diana's skincare regime.

It's amazing. But also, it's just so fun. Every time you offer it to people, they're like, is this the, is that the cream? Yeah, the Peter's cream. Yeah, the Peter's cream. Yeah. I thought that was a parody. Honestly, when I heard that clip, I was like, that's a joke.

And then everyone's like, no, it's not. When me and Gwyneth were in Disney, we were talking about, like, well, he won't do his own audio book? Who do you reckon would do the audiobook? We could not believe he did it. I can't believe you can read. Listen. I was hoping it would be Stephen Fry. That would have been amazing.

It would have been amazing. Because, like, Harry, like, he can read, but he can't do the, like, the voices. That's the thing. You want the impressions. Yeah, it's a sound, like, yeah, he could have lent into Diana a bit more. Like, he describes walking behind Diana's casket and he's like the hooves clip clopping, but he doesn't go. And it's like, do it. Do you know what I mean?

Or get coconuts. Do someone. I do think if I was a royal, I wouldn't bother to learn to read. All you're going to read is bad stuff about yourself. And why do you learn to read if you don't have to do anything for yourself? The best thing about it, about him reading it, is he calls his brother Willie the entire time. No wonder he calls his podger then.

He can't call it as Willie. Willie was next door. I knew he already knew. Oh my God. That's cringe. Okay, so to answer your question. Okay. Irish Civil War Now, can I guess?

Let's go back a bit. Okay. Let's go back a bit. 1916 Easter Rising. What was that? Catholics. No. Forget Catholics and Protestants. Forget that for a second. Okay. Okay. So 1916 rising. 1916. Oh, I'm World War I won!

It's during World War I. Yeah, World War I. While the British Army were fighting in Ireland, he took the opportunity to have a rebellion and tried to overthrow British rule. we were busy well we were oppressed and so

ever the victim here we go sorry sorry no I want to know about you guys is not troubles but the other ones listen okay this rebellion results eventually

in a bunch of conflict but also in discussions with the British government that eventually lead to a treaty for Irish independence that is signed into ratification in 1922 right British government agrees

to let Ireland have Ireland except for the six counties which are Northern Ireland. Dary. So, go fast. Michael Collins, your guy. Yes, shut by a car. Signs this treaty. Yes.

Comes back and is like we have the 26 counties, 26 counties? Sure. Is it 32? Yeah. And the rebels at home are like, fuck that, you shouldn't have signed away six counties. Okay. So there's now a pro-treaty faction

and an anti-tree. treaty faction. Okay. The pro treaty... In Ireland, Ireland, not in Northern Ireland. In Ireland, yeah. Pro-treaty are want the...

I think the deal is right. No, they love the English. They love the English. They wanted full independence for Ireland but they think that this is the best deal they could have got. Anti-treaty go on to become the IRA like a descendant of but the... Come out your black and tan.

that's not for you. Okay. And we've been over this. And so, and that's De Valera and Co. And so, um, what happens is a...

What's that a river dance? No, I'm joking. Sorry. A president of, don't know. Okay. So, um,

they have a civil war. Anti-treaty and pro treaty. Mm-hmm. Bless you guys. What happened? Well, what happens to Michael Collins? Shotty.

Shottie. Oh dear. And was he anti or pro? Pro. He was pro because he signed it. Yeah, because he loved it. No.

None of them were happy with it. But they were like, This is the best we can do for now. This is the best we can do and it's better than home. How long did your civil war last? I think it was 1922 to 1923. Oh, so a battle. Like, come on.

One year. I mean, brothers fought against brothers. It was a very serious. No. Yeah. What side were you on? Oh, you weren't born yet. What side would you have been on?

Fuck you. I don't understand. My pro-collagen drink. My age is a feeling. My what's side were you on in the civil war? In fact, your agent being like, ask Catherine as if I'll remember the civil war. That's amazing.

Why do we not know about this? Well, you don't know anything about any Irish history. Have you heard about this, Andrew? I have heard about it. As a saving grace of Helen, I will say she knows nothing about any history. Hey, she knows about the Germans. Well, let's cast our minds back to the Jade Adams episode

where Helen goes, just learn about World War I. Terrible time. Awful. And also, I learned the other day from another podcast about Lady Jane Grey, the nine-day queen. Any questions about her? Ask me.

What happened, Drew? Beheaded By? Mary Queen of Scots people Why? Because Mary did not believe that she had any right To the throne

Who overtook her? Who ever took Mary Queen of Scots No, Lady Jane Grey Mary Okay and who was Lady Jane Grey Jane Grey? Who was her parentage? Her parents

were like a cousin to Henry the 8th After Edward's she was not a peasant she was very noble, very noble woman she spoke lots of languages I didn't assume she oh yeah she was a Protestant

but it wasn't so much about that it was more of a like the favour of the nation It was always about that with Mary come on actually that's a very common misconception about Mary she actually did not hate

Lady Jane for that reason it was more that she knew that she her brother had died and it was her turn and it actually did not become President Catholic it became like a popularity thing but weirdly the church

The Man's been popularity contest being settled by beheadings. Awful, isn't it? Apparently Mary didn't want her beheaded, but it ended up being that's the only option. Oh, that's such a hands-off. Bloody Mary is history saying a woman was awful because one person got beheaded when you think about the amount that the men did,

and she got called Bloody Mary, but actually she was a good advocate for peace. Any more questions? My favourite part about the Spencer movie was when Anne Boleyn kept showing up dead. But I just, that was good history from me. Hey, nice, well done. I don't know any of the other.

that. That was very good history. I take my comment back. I'm sorry, Helen. That's okay, Andrew. She knows about two things from his story. And next, I'm going to learn about no, I already know everything about the Nazis.

What is your, so what gigs are you doing on Valentine's Day? Worst then Comedy Club. And? I can't remember what the other one I'm doing is. I think I'm doing the boat show. Nice. So two in central London, two giggies. Yeah.

And then I think, I'll see what's the needles doing. Maybe a movie night. So a movie night in with your house. I do you're not fucking for Valentine's. Yeah. Well, we haven't watched a movie together in so long because we're just like not on the same page like media-wise again.

Even though Apprentices Back, which has brought us together. What's an ideal Valentine's movie? I just watched Fatal Attraction. Marwana. Fatal Attraction was so good. Yeah, you've run me. Have you seen it?

Yeah, of course. It's so good. Guys, have you heard of this film called Fatal Attraction? It's about a lady with no eyebrows and she's mean. What's the best Valentine's Day movie? That's a good question. Let us from June. Julia with Amanda Safe, Freedom of Riftrave.

Fuck off, that's dog shit. It's amazing. That is dog shit. It's incredible. Absolutely not. You might as well be like the notebook, although the notebook's better. The notebook is so good. I actually really like, so emotional.

When I was a kid, that was like the epitome of romance. Do you ever get confused with it in Forrest Gump? No. Because of the accents, like where it's set in the time. No. I always do. I'm like, what's the notebook? And I'm like, where's Bubba?

Like, it's, yeah. No. Me neither then. Okay. I watched a really good film at the weekend. I've been watching a lot of classics. I watched the color purple. That's dark.

That's very dark. Also a wonderful musical. Okay. Fastly. What did you watch? I watched Rescue Rangers, the Chippendale movie.

Hello? Do you see there's a new series about the Chippendales coming out? Yes. It's so good. You know what I just watched? Yellow jackets. I know I'm late to this party too,

but has everyone seen it? I mean, I watched a bit of the first season. The premise is amazing. It's so good. Do you know about this? Is it a queen? thing? Well, it's not queer

character then. Yeah. The cool thing is all the cast who they, everyone who's plays a queer is a queer

which is exciting. But yeah, so the, it's like lost but in a forest and their high school girls. Yes.

And they all have yellow jacket. And it goes so Lord of the Fly so fast. These girls are creepy and Christina Ricci's and I will watch

anything with Christina Ritchie. Have you watched Wednesday? And indeed Melanie Linsky's amazing. Who's Melanie Linsky? Melanie Linsky is in everything.

She was the budd of the joke in that Charlie Sheen show, what was it, one Paramount. Two and a half, Matt. Yeah, so she was always, like, the one who was, like, stalking him. But then she's, like, she's in loads of stuff. Okay, cool. She's great. Look, there's a lot of good TV

and film out there. She's a Kiwi actress. Charlie, Clive was telling me a cool story about her, which is that, like, she played George Clooney's sister in a show about him firing everyone or a film about him firing everyone, I remember what that was called. I might go to

telling stories wife seem old. Don't bring on our curse. No, it's done. And all the Americans were like, you should get your teeth fixed and like really went savage on her teeth. And then her agent was apparently like, you should get your tooth fixed maybe.

And she was like, well, I'm cast in everything. Why would I do that? Yeah. They're unimportant. They're so unimportant. The American agent was apparently like, I mean, yeah, I guess you are cast in everything. As you were.

I'm like, yes, Melanie. They just did this and called the midwife. You just did this? No, but. they had someone who had all their teeth pulled out and given dentures Oh, what, that's not the same?

It's a great episode of Call the Midwife and why was it relevant? She was pregnant. Sorry, question is, what, was it a vanity choice? No, she just, oh, they were all rotting and causing her pain.

Okay, second thing to say is is Cole the Midwife still running? Yes. But I'm on season six. It's got more than six seasons? Like on season 11 now, I think. Eleven seasons? Yeah, it's a lot of babies.

But it's the same thing every episode. No, it's not. No, it's not. No, let's bring on our guess. You piss me off. I hate Valentine's Day. I hate you and I love Call the Midwife. Please welcome it.

Lara Riconte. Hello, it's Helen of the Helen and Catherine show with Helen Bauer. We've got lots of previews coming up. Me, myself, Catherine. Andrew, any previews? Yeah. Here we bloody guy. Let's go through mine first.

I'm at VALF Festival in London. I'm going to the Leicester Comedy Festival. I've got some dates coming up in Bath, in Brighton, in Edinburgh. The dates will be on my website. I just haven't put them all there yet. But please, please come to them. So far, they have been lots of fun and lots of things I'll never say again. Catherine?

Yes, please. You've already started working progressing. I need to do some progressing. So I have... Oh, go see Catherine's first too if you want to want someone not do. Yikes. Yikes.

You. Fuck you. I do very well at working progressing. I just also... But you don't take it well when you've got a fully formed joke and it goes silent. Yeah.

I get quite difficult. That's fair and true. I feel like I need to protect myself. So I'm doing Angel Comedy Club on the 23rd of March. I'm doing same angel comedy club on the 5th of April. I'm doing two North

down this like a couple of times a couple of Sundays I think this is all going to be on my website but it's not currently I also have some

in top secret so all over London I'm going to be working progressing like shit out of my shit I have a lot of new stuff I just don't know which of it works

so please come and tell me but like with your laughs not with feedback I don't want any feedback I don't respond well I don't need I will kill you Mr Andrew why

are you in Leicester too I am at the Leicester Comedy Festival on February 25th with my new show which is called man on man Well, I thought it's going to be masculinity

So it would be like the academic like, oh man Oh, man, oh man, no, I got you. Oh, that's good. Thank you for explaining the joke to me. Sorry. No, no, I didn't tell it that was good. It's for Helen, okay. No, but it's not most people.

I think I've made it too wanky, so I'm probably going to change the title. Oh, no, I think it works perfectly on both levels. Oh, thank you, Catherine. I think it's very clear. I'll leave it. Go to see Andrew and Lester and tell them. I've got a new Wimbledon theatre in June as well. That's all on the website.

Gorgeous. Oh, my God. By the time this comes out, I will have endeavored to put all those dates on my website. Although Andrew did something finicky with my website that I now don't know how to work it. So once he fixes that, I'm not put them right on my website. Hey, Andrew, can you please let me fix my website? Thank you so much. See you in a live show soon.

Okay, bye. Bye. Look at Latter. What's your favorite conspiracy theory, you freak? Oh my God, this is so mean. Laura has come in with, let's be honest, a dubious food. sure does. Yes. It says we must ask

why in the front, without a lisp, it says it just straight. And then in the back... It's so cute. It's so cute. Okay, I'll read it. Stay together. Take enjoyment from what you do. That part just nice. That part's not the bit. A happy mind is a healthy mind.

The bit that's stupid. That's also just nice. The bit that's like, question your reality. Search for answers feels a little... That's the answer. Just like question your reality. I think that's good, though. It feels a little anti-vax, doesn't it? It feels a little bit.

Mm-hmm. Well, are you? I have the feeling. No, I have, but I have a father. I have a father who's insane. Your dad is anti-vax, isn't he? What? Have you been vaccinated?

For a long time, I was not. For a long time, but it took, because he was like a writer, he wrote letters to the school type of thing. But only because, okay, in his defense, like they found out we were hard of hearing two years, like me and my older sister, two years after they vaccinated us both. in Mexico in like a kind of like it wasn't like a shady vaccination place it was a hospital but he

was still like Mexico even though my mom from there and we're all like we're from there but he was like he's the only non-mexican he's been as well in those it's not like better no but it still feels specifically racist yeah yeah no for sure racist but like what's also great is that nothing else are you like well there was a two-year correlation you're not like I came out of that test goes and then two years later I trift over so come on in fairness to him if your sister came out of a Tesco and two years later she tripped over same place, same time. And you guys had come out together. You'd be like

something. But you'd be like wasn't the Tesco or was it what we had for breakfast or was it blah blah blah blah. No, that's our searching for questions that answer a reality we don't understand. This is good. I love that you're like or his jeans. Wow, that's so shady to turn it back on your dad. Maybe it's your freaking sperm, dude. Well, that's

most probably. It's both of them my parents together but then my little sister not deaf. Wow. What's going on? Yes. But not in Mexico. Dot, dot, dot, dot. Don't don't. I said, dot, dot,

wait, how many deaf people are in Mexico? I have no idea. Everything. Everything. Andrew, we'd love to know the statistics. We must ask why. That's so funny. Okay, great.

So, hello. Welcome. Hi. I always think asking why is important because I watch a lot of the, no, you're getting the wrong message in the joke about the T-shirt. Because I watch a lot of like,

you know on like Channel 5 late at night, they have those American shows of like aliens in Alaska. And it's all like aliens in the desert, it's all in America. And it's always a guy who's got like one tooth but really nice like dungarees going like, I know what I saw. Don't argue with me because you are there. Which accent is that? Boston. Right?

In Boston, but he's in the desert. Where's the desert then? Not in Boston. No, it's the other way. Probably the other way. Yeah. Mexico. Mexico.

Okay. And he's like, you don't argue with me. I know what I saw. And then it's like him talking about aliens and it's so easy to be like, oh, he's just mad. But it's like, well, if he knows, who am I to deny it? That's the thing. And also, there are definitely aliens.

We know that for a fact. Obviously, my mom has seen aliens. My mom has, she talks about it all time. Obviously. You said obvious. Yeah, because, well, because my mother has, my mother believes in all this stuff. Like, we, what is all, what else is in the category of alien?

Like, witches. Angels. Angels. Angels. Angels. Witches, say it with me. Which is. Angel, warlocks

What else? Wizards. Vampires. She doesn't believe in vampires? She doesn't believe in vampires? She doesn't believe in which is adding to the mix but she she believes

no she believes in like past live future live obviously if there's past there's future as I always say when you're not saying question your reality she wants to go yeah so we've always gone to like

with these sort of things that like we're an option I tell a story I think I probably told it before to someone who's heard it So they'll hear it again. But my mom, when I was, like, 13 years old, she was like, you can either have a metal detector, which is something I want it real bad, or... You wanted a metal?

Because I live by the beach. I get it. Obviously. Yeah. It's, like, such a good gift. Or, like, a surfboard. Yeah. But, like, imagine how can you find all the things that are underneath the sand?

No, of course. No other way. No, sure. And it beeps and stuff. Question everything. Question your reality. Find underneath the sand. She went to call it.

And she said either that, or we go to an angel. reader who's like this freaking Colombian guy who lives in, I don't know where he lived but he had an office in the back. Is she pitching it like this to the 13 you're like he's a freaking Colombian guy? He's this freaking Colombian guy, you're gonna die. No, she's just like there's this guy and he can speak to like, he can speak

to your angels which are like they're always hovering over you. Right. Yeah. They are right. So you're choosing under the sand or over your head. What did you decide on? Obviously, obviously. Angels. Fucking angel. That would be crazy. Imagine Imagine I had gone for the metal detector. A chance to speak to your angel, obviously.

But that's impossible, whereas at least you could find some money on the beach. Yeah, the thing is that it's not impossible. Oh, right, my... If you think of it because... Did you meet your angel? You don't meet up. You started this with your mom believes in. Yeah, but it feels like you believe.

I don't know if I believe it, but I've been to tons. I've been to tons. Like, I've been like... Yeah, I've been to a lot of them. Like, they... All Colombian? No. Okay.

No, all types of places. Argentina. Mm-hmm. A big two. I've never heard of pronounce Argentine. I just really want to hear about the angel. Sorry, my apology. No, no, please.

This was, he told me two things. At that point, I really want to be a singer. That was what I wanted to do the most. And so you get to, like, ask a couple questions, but also the whole time he's looking above you. Like, he's not looking at you, and then you sort of ask questions, and then he tells you stuff. So it's like being on a date with Annie man.

With who? With Annie guy. He's just like above you, like, you're like, hello? Hello. And he's like, your grandpa. Yeah. He wants to call us. You ask some stuff about like, you ask about whatever you want.

Oh my God. I don't remember all the, because I was small. But I remember, I asked about like my grandpa. He said my grandpa was going to die in the year that he did die. He just gave me a year. And then he did die that year. Wow. That we remember because my mom obviously wrote everything down.

Yeah, we have to. Yeah, because then you forget and then you believe any stuff. Yeah. And that's not how we are. My family. We question everything. You have to ask why. Yeah, we have to ask why.

We wrote everything down. And that he said. And then I was like, will I be a singer? And he was like, yes, if you want to, but only in a choir. Oh. Yeah. So not really. So no.

It was like, it was like the, yeah, it was like when the magic eight balls. Like, yeah, if you volunteer for a choir where they don't hold auditions, you could totally be in that choir everyone's allowed to. Yeah, like, you can be part of the thing everybody can do. And he, in a church. And he was just like, you can. He didn't say no. And then I was obviously just drawing.

yeah it would ruin me and it was my birthday and he and he it was like it was horrible and then i told my mom and she was like tough luck like that sucks like that's just the truth and i made even worse of course but at the same time like question had your mother heard indeed had your mother heard you sing yeah no i wasn't singing classes for a while okay and you think no so you don't think that maybe she took you there to ask him that and maybe it told him about how much Catherine Mary Joseph, I'm so sorry. Maybe had told him how when she was spending on the singing lessons and had heard you think. She wishes that I was a singer.

But were you a good singer? I wasn't a bad singer. Also, when I was 18, my parents were like, you can go, we have this little bit of money. You can go to college or we can push a CD for you. Yeah, they said that. What did you choose? Well, obviously, I went to college. Oh, thank God.

You understand that that was no longer obvious to me, right? Yeah, but it should have been. Because of the angel reader, probably. I never went to an angel reader, but I'm really intrigued. I think I'd enjoy it. I have one that I can give you over Zoom. No way. They can see the angels through the Zoom.

They just feel your presence. Like, you know, Tyler, what's his name? Who does the readings for everyone in America? I want to say Tyler Perry, but not Tyler Perry. Yeah, I know. He's busy. But yeah, yeah, yeah. The guy, Tyler, something.

And he scribbles. He scribbles. And he talks to, like, you know, like Melissa Joan Hart. And she's like, I'm Sabrina. And he's like, be your mom's dead. She's like, no. Tyler Henry. You definitely couldn't have Googled that about a famous person.

Tyler Henry. Tyler Henry, thank you very much. So your mom asked this angel speaker person to kill your dreams. And then... He didn't. She didn't. She just hoped he was so she didn't have to. She didn't even know what I was going to ask.

She just like... You were 13. You think you had more stuff going on than metal detectors and singing? I really did it. I don't know why she's being this way. I'm sorry. She feels like she knows. knows.

Sorry. And I'm with it. Question everything. I'm sorry. What are your past lives according to your mom? Um, well, I haven't, I'm not really sure about so many things. Um. Because you feel new to me.

Really? Yeah. I've always been told I'm old. She says new to everything. She says I'm new. No, no, because I've, my mom's told me my past lives, but you feel very new. Because, because I'm like, jumping. I don't know.

There's like, like, an excitement, a child like wonder, like, I don't think you've been through a war. Well, I have a person. been been through a bombing no which one when in in Asia so sorry yeah yeah no it was but this was the thing about I'm writing a series about it that will come out I can plug that at some point hopefully if they buy it they're gonna buy it I'm writing a series about that my parents I'm not about that at all this happens once my mom feels a lot of guilt about the fact that my

sister and I are hard of hearing and so she goes whenever she goes she's like why like why is it that like they're they're hard of hearing and one of them said that we were part we were like in a bombing in Asia my mom was just like ringing in your ears she says something something something happened when we were in Asia and my mom wasn't our mom obviously she was like something else and we weren't siblings necessarily we were boys and we were in boys can't be siblings boys boys hate siblings we didn't even know each other we were just boys we're just boys just walking and we were in a sort of field

and my mom tried to save us and couldn't and then the bomb exploded and it ruined our ears for future lives and past lives what could a thing like that be made up no that makes sense it sounds like to me yeah we know what it sounds like to you I don't think you do what do you think it sounds like to me

bullshit no I was gonna say I mean yeah and I was gonna say I was gonna say it sounds like you have two parents who were trying to find reasons why deafness happened to you and not necessarily celebrating it? Oh, definitely not celebrating. And then she sent us on a trip and was like, go just like go to Asia and like be okay with it. But it's like, all came from like, be okay with the bombing? No, like, oh, like, be okay with Asia. Be okay with like the fact that like go on pilgrimage, like go there, be there. And just like that will take it away for the next slide.

And it's like, just like celebrate it, but at the same time, so much guilt. I mean, imagine, like, it's like a hard thing to bring on yourself and be like, I created a kid and I wanted to make them like exactly the way that, and then, like. But we can't guarantee. We can't guarantee anything. And also. We can't. And also, like, they might believe an angel.

To know where you're angels. I'm much rather than they were dead. I'm choosing between angels and death. I know what I'm choosing. Angel. I can learn sign language. I can't learn to speak to angels. You might

I don't know What do you think I am for you? What do you mean? I think of us as each other's angels Do you not think of me as an angel for you? So are you serious? I think I've got some friends who are angels that were sent for me

Like I sort of just like Met them And then I'm like Oh my God We just sort of like Had like such a chance random meeting But then they're an angel That came into my life

I have foisted myself upon you You, I have been like Let's be friends Let's be friends Let's have an emotional conversation And it worked like an angel. It's more like, okay, okay. And then you're an angel for me.

Look, a newer angel for me, but I do see you as an angel. And I'm very new. You're very, but you do feel new. Like, I was in World War I and stuff, yeah. What was that about? I was in the trenches. And who, how did you? What was that like? What's the Yelp review?

I don't know. I haven't looked into it too much because my mom told me I was in the trenches, but she can't tell me which side I was fighting for. Which just makes it really hard to research Because it's like I don't want to look at loads of pictures She told you were in the trenches She told you, I can't tell, she knows Yeah

Which means I'm German But were the Germans bad in World War I? Or do they just turn bad in between one and two? I think they were bad Were they badies in one? Catherine, say something, you'll go quiet. I sorry, I zoned out Because I chose not to be here anymore.

No. But Catherine doesn't feel new though. She used to feel new to me but now I feel like she's gone through, like, something. In the past months, I've aged. I'm a haggard now. Like, she could have been Amber Lynn for all we know, and that's why you're so like.

No, I was not an English woman. Now, here's the thing. I am, but wait, are they on board now? Who? Your parents. With, not the angels. Not the Germans, not the angels. Specifically, your parents.

Have they gotten, have they managed to get on board with your deafness? I mean, there's not a lot of stuff to get on board with, but it's like, they're just like, whatever. I'm not, like, I agree. if they were like if I think that it's going to be it's always going to be a process of like it's not like it's also it's not that bad like I can like I can be peer and I can be part of these conversations like I have my hearing aids on but like yeah I can really have I have access to a lot of the world I think that they're very work because it's degenerative which is the most unfortunate but it's like if it progressively gets worse it'd be cooler if it got better over time I know that'd be amazing but maybe your angels will do that and so we win no but like my mom this year for Christmas got me an ASL coloring book, which is like, what is that? American Sign Language coloring book, which is like also B.S.L. ASL. Different languages. I'm not upsetting. I understand what an ASL and a coloring book is.

But I don't understand is what an ASL coloring book is. You basically have all the like, whatever, like the A and the B, the letter. The signs. And then you color them in. And that way you learn as you color for children, I guess. Okay. Can you sign? I can't sign. I can now because I watched Coda Oh and you learn So now I sign ASL I do I watched Coda

I thought it was absolutely incredible I will say this I cried my fucking eyes out because I cannot handle when a pretty song happens in a good film Like it just it kills me And she sings both sides now

And she starts signing during it That's beautiful And this is Moons I can't remember what June's is And this is Ferris wheels I thought you spoke Yeah Paris Wheels So I thought it

Can your mom sign? No, no one can sign. But also, I talk about this in my hours, so it's sort of like a bit. But like my doctors have told us that we don't need to learn sign language because as our hearing gets progressively worse, science is just supposed to get better.

They say, like, people are working on it. Such a risk, babe. It's such a risk. People are working like scientists. So you're not going to learn to sign because people are working on. I mean, they say, like, they're at the lab. And, like, they can't stop working.

Those guys are at the lab. There, people have been on it for years. What happened to question everything, babe? No, I know. I am. But not when you have to learn to learn. That is just like a big time commitment. Can I say that I get this?

Not for hearing, but for teeth. Because I refuse to floss because the feeling makes me feel mad. But I do think by the time I get to the, it's exactly the same. It's exactly the same. Degenerative hearing loss and me not flossing. I'm sorry, I'm saying I'm also going through. I know. I know what I mean.

And it's like, you know, I wasn't vaccinated in Mexico, but I did this. get my MMR jab until I was like in my mid-20s because my mum forgot to take me. So we've both been through something vaccine-wise. What was that? What is that? MMR gap? Mom's measles and Rubella, but I didn't get it. So lucky Helen. And then... You guys have got to get vaccines and...

I know, I know. I got it done with my cervical smear, but it was just a bit weird because it's like a jab for a baby and then a smear for a big girl. Like, it's weird. Okay. You do also need to floss. I'm going to stress that. Yeah, I bought floss, but I'm not... I don't like the feeling between my tight teeth down here of like flossing.

And I just think by the time Yeah, people keep saying I don't like those Yeah, they make me bleed I don't think I have it though It's too expensive for how much it made you bleed It felt too Yeah that feels like maybe gum disease

But I feel like guys fucking hate A woman with a bleeding mouth Yeah They cannot stand a woman bleeding from her guns What's that a line in? What's it in? What's it in? There's a line, it's an Amanda Ianichie film And the woman she's like bleeding from her guns

And he goes God knows I cannot stay and a woman bleeding for our thumbs. You know, what's it, the film that goes, it's not easy, peasy, lemon squeezy, it's difficult, difficult, lemon difficult. In the loop. Is it?

No. I'll find out. In the loop, that's the film. Yeah, yeah. It's incredible. And they say, and I can imagine that. I cannot stand a woman bleeding from her gum. I will not abide a woman bleeding from her gum.

But I think science is going, is doing such a good job with teeth. Yeah, they came up. And he is. Do what they came up with? So good. They came up with? Floss.

Yeah. Floss. No, I think all of our teeth will fall out at one point. And I'm just going to get a new one. And when you do, you'll have eternal youth. Bombas makes the most comfortable socks, underwear, and T-shirts. Warning, bombas are so absurdly comfortable you may throw out all your other clothes. Sorry, do we legally have to say that?

No, this is just how I talk, and I really love my bombus. They do feel that good, and they do good too. One item purchased equals one item donated. To feel good and do good, go to bombus.com and use code audio for 20% off your first purchase. That's BOMBAS.com and use code audio at checkout. Hey folks, it's Mark Bitman from the podcast Food with Mark Bitman. It's hard for me to believe we're talking about back to school, but whether you're thinking lunch boxes or nourishing dinners, Whole Foods Market is the place to shop, and their high standards allow you to shop with confidence. Their house brand, 365 by Whole Foods Market, has everything you need for quick and convenient breakfast, lunches, and dinners from oatmeal to trail mix to wild fish sticks.

Explore the many ways you can save on back-to-school foods at Whole Foods Market. At Arizona State University, we made online education better, smarter, and more personalized so you can go further in your aspiring field. I decided to pursue medicine once I realized that ASU did have the online program for biological sciences, you're still required to learn the same curriculum. You're still being tested on the same content that anyone would be tested on in person. The comprehensiveness of the program prepared me so well for medical school. Explore over 350 plus programs at ASUonline.asu.org. Let's do a list of problem, Andrew. This podcast gives you whiplash, FYI. As it is the season of love, we'll do a breakup problem.

A breakup problem. That's so savage. It's a season of love. Let's talk about a breakup. Okay. It's also related to skiing. So maybe you can offer some insight, Helen. I went skiing.

She hated it. Do you ski? I've done it in the past. Once, twice. Okay. She's a posh girl. No. You've never done it?

Skied, no. You won't do it ever? No. Irish people don't ski. Okay. So they do if they get to fall over and get to be the victim. Oh my goodness Helen You were exclusively on the ground

You know what? We're going to quickly do a compliment circle Between me and Catherine Just to check we're still friends, is that okay? Did you hands on? Thank you I love your OCD That's my compliment Just wet hands

Yeah it's also so warm and you're like hot hot that'll do I love your curious mind I love

that you are open to things but question things and stick to who you are truly and I also think you've got a very sweet little nose

and I do despite the fact you might not believe in it I do think of myself as your angel my turn okay very nice very thorough

thank you I don't believe in angels but you are one of my best friends which is highest one of my best friends you have Emma Black and Francis she knows and you would

you would hate the pressure of being my exclusive own if I said to you you were my best friend oh I'd kill myself you'd like it's too much pressure it's way too much pressure I don't want to go to that many dinner parties. No, it'd be horrendous.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, okay, so yeah. So you are one of my best friends. Good. I don't want to be that involved in the lesbians of East London. I know you don't want to be involved. Like, shall I go on? Yes.

You're the straightest woman I know. Thank you. I think you're doing a really good job at learning to love yourself. Sometimes I think you're overcorrecting. And lastly, you don't know what that means. That's okay. And I'm glad for it. You're the prettiest

Bimbo, I know. Calfway. I know. You're welcome. And you're very funny and attractive. Thank you for coming. Thank you for coming. Okay, Andrew, I purposely didn't clarify the gender of your partner

because I chose to take partner the way I wanted to. All right. And we all said partner. And no one has any clue. It confuses me when straight people say partner. But it's allyship. I don't think it's free. That's nice.

I always think they're starting a law firm or something. Yeah, I'm like, do you? like tennis? Are you setting up a business? But don't, isn't it better than no one, like, no one assumes anything? Yeah. Yeah, but I don't think that that's really, I think that's actually just like trying to co-opt cool. It's always people trying to be like partner and it's like you fuck it dude, just own it. Yeah, but then you got it like, it's also a different term.

Like boyfriend feels like a silly little boy. And then partner feels like he's like the person I do my life with. And I'm not allowed to do my life with someone. With a silly little boy? With a silly little boy. No, here's my thing. I also think arguably it breaks people presume the other thing, right?

So if you say partner, people will presume gay, especially because of your t-shirt and your double t-shirt. And actually it's maybe good for them to be like, straight women can wear sensible shoes too. So you're actually not challenging prejudice. It's about this? You can't co-opped our style and our words.

I'm wearing a fitting in Doc Martin. This is bad. Oh, Helen, nobody thinks you're a lesbian. Just Laura. No, no. Milo McCabe. Comedian. Did not follow McCabe?

I literally thought me and... That was... No! Wait, can you smell the iron? Stop? No. Do it. Like a penny slot machine.

Day two? Day two? Day two. Day two? You want day two? I'm day two. Yeah. Good nose.

It's the most sensitive. Fresh. I am. Yeah. You have to do what before you touch people. Can I ask you? Can I touch your breasts? Can I ask you?

Can I ask if I can touch your breasts? I've done it. Okay. She did it to my mother, first time she met her. No, I didn't. Yes, you did. What is wrong with you? Yes, you went straight up under.

What is wrong with you? No, I didn't. Yes, you did. Yes, you did. Outside of Shortage Town Hall. What? And she went like this. Ah!

I am not denying it, but I don't have a memory of doing that. I remember. You did it. Some people laugh when they're stressed. Yeah, my mother. What? No, I think she was, no, she loved you. She couldn't believe how.

funny you were. She really, yeah, the whole time Or that you were violating. Or that, are we denying that there's any chance that Laura's mom wasn't like, touched me, like, asked for it? Like, maybe she was... I mean, maybe. Maybe. Let's do a problem. Let's stop all this. You're going to do a breakup. A breakup thing. A breakup before

we break up. So, this is from V. Hi, V. Andrew, can you possibly, can you see? No, I would love to see your lips. Oh, sorry, yes, in not a sexual way. I mean it in just the way. Yeah. Imagine if it was like in a sexual way. I'll stand up.

Thank you. Thank you. No worries. Do you want to start with some praise? I love the podcast. Listen every week. It's hilarious and chaotic in perfect proportions. Shut your mouth.

I recently had a mutual breakup. This was absolutely the right decision. So no wells needed. Helen often asked to put people in wells as a solution. Can I stop you there, Andrew? I have a strong conviction that there's no such thing as a mutual breakup. And if somebody's saying it's a mutual breakup, they did the dumping. Well, what would have put us?

and Chris Martin do then? I think that he dumped her and she insisted on that PR call. I didn't hear about it. They had a mutual uncoupling. How old are you? Very young. No, I'm not. What age? What year were you born?

20s. Jesus Christ. But I don't think that it's about that. I just think I grew up in Miami where they're just pop culture where they don't have Winifoldo. It just doesn't arrive. My hair clip just broke. Oh my God.

What is happening? Well, you're playing with it all podcasts, Helen. You can't deny Goop and then, oh, wow. This is it, Vin. She's 26, you've broken your hair. And I'm losing her. What? You're pulling it out.

That's what, okay. Put it down. Andrew. Okay, thank you. Mutual. Yeah, but V, we think you broke up. Put him in a while. I've just been finding it a bit difficult to be alone again and to try and enjoy myself.

Something Catherine said really resonated with me about. I doubt her. Waiting to do things when I'm with someone. Wanting to do something, wanting to do things when I'm with someone, when I hit a career goal, etc. After listening and realizing I was doing something similar, I booked myself a ski holiday alone. I wanted to ask for any suggestions on how to enjoy this as much as possible. Wait, wait, wait, what did I say that resonated with them? About wanting to do things when I'm with someone.

But you can't do it. Right. Like if I'm alone, I don't do stuff and if I'm with someone, then I do all these things. Oh, yeah. Okay. Oh, no, I took it as like, when you're with someone, there's stuff you want to do, but if they don't want to do it, you don't do it. So now you're single, you're like, I'm going to do the things that I couldn't do when I was with them. Could be either or. Okay.

No, I'm right. I'm right. I'm right. I am. So the book to ski holiday alone, any suggestions on how to enjoy this as much as possible and not feel like I'm just by myself in a different place? I have social anxiety, which doesn't help. So I'm a bit nervous about pushing myself. too far out my conference zone. But I love skiing, so I hope it will be worth it. Okay. Any ideas appreciated and looking forward to the next trusty hogs live.

All I can say is skiing is the fucking worst. B, this is really tricky because in the last episode we did, Helen had just come back from a skiing trip and had declared skiing to be the devil's sport and all people who ski to be monsters. So we'd just like to retract the second part. I hated it. Yeah.

But they don't have to be monsters. No, they were. Oh, they were. No, they are. But we'll retract it. How do you enjoy yourself by yourself while skiing with social anxiety? Is that the question?

Yeah. How to have fun? Has anyone here done a trip by themselves? Yes, many times. And how is it? I thrive. Do you? Yeah, but tell them how.

So you sort of, you pick when you want company and when you don't. That was like, I choked on my own. I swear I have a good. I'm just joking. So there's always like people around in like cafes and bars. There's always like if you're like often in a hostel or a hotel.

But may I, Helen? You're not exactly socially anxious. How very dare you? You're the opposite of socially. How very dare you? I love alone time and I really like find it so precious. So when I go on holiday with friends, which I normally do, I go with friends who are like really good at spending time by themselves as well. So we have a lot of time to do whatever we want because I've never like shared a lot.

life with anyone so I've never had to do it um traveling by myself done many times I do have a tendency when I'm by myself to go too far so like don't follow the adventure to the end you know that's saying like don't go with a hippie to a second location like don't go well if you meet a hippie don't go to a second location okay no I wouldn't be talking to the hippie my question was um what you must have my hair um yes no it's the t-shirt listen I What is, what are you struggling with? What do you mean? In the case of skiing alone, what is not following the adventure to the end?

Like, don't if everyone is like, oh, we're going to start tonight in France, but we're going to end it on the other side of Switzerland. Don't be like that because I did that once. I went by myself to Malaysia and I was at my uncle's house who lives in Malaysia. And then I read online that there was a tsunami in the Philippines and I was like, I'll help. So I flew to the Philippines. And then I was, like, working in a packing house and, like, Cebu.

And then I lost my phone because I packed up for a family. I actually said no phone. And then we went to Tacloban where the tsunami happened. That family had a tsunami. And I thought I was going to help. But it turns out of they just wanted pictures of white people helping. But then I had to sit there with an interview form and be like, do you have medicine? They were like, we need our heart medicine for our baby.

But everything's gone. And I was like, I'm 22. So, like, don't follow it too far. You donated all your nudes to some family who did. I lost everything. I lost everything to people who had nothing. And then, but you need to just sort of like pick where you're going

and stick with it. Because otherwise, like when I was in India by myself when I was 19, I thought it was a really good time to go off the lonely planet. Like to not be following what all the other tourists do. Yeah. Which is really tricky by yourself at 19. Because you can't get like a hotel room some places without being married.

And all I had was a mood ring from when I was a teenager. And I was like, And my husband's on his way. But you're going skiing, which is very different. Yeah. Right. So, when you want to meet people,

go and meet people, but don't like, this thing, I was always in hostels whenever I'm traveling with myself. And, like, there's always people in the, like, the area. Presumably in ski shallets,

there's, like, after, after, after, apra ski. People will be there. Also, my friend, She just went to Korea by herself and she met people. North. She would have said North. She would have said North.

She would have said North, yeah. She did two smart things. One is booked beauty treatments while she was there. So she got to speak to people, which is cool and learned about the area. So she got her hair cut there and got her a manicure there. And the second is, if that's your thing. How is that something to speak to people? Because a local has to speak to you because they're cutting your hair.

Oh. You're trying to brew, not to. Yeah. And the second way to do it is, um, she, She used Bumble Friends. Right. Bumble Friends. That's a good one actually.

I haven't used it. My sister uses it sometimes. I think, I mean, I think for socially anxious type of behavior. Because I was going to say that if you are in a place and like you, you're socially anxious, which happens to people for a period, but sometimes happens to people forever. Like if, because I usually the only times that I've traveled by myself is when I've been like depressed. I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I can save the world. Yeah, I went to Brazil.

by myself for like a week and I was like feeling like shit and then I was like maybe like if people like if I meet somebody and they like me then maybe it doesn't mean that I'm like shitty yeah that's so much to put on so much to put on stranger you shouldn't I'm not recommending it I think that there's something about like doing things that you like to do and then seeing if there's people in the vicinity that are doing something that you like to do and then those feel like people that maybe can be a beat a beat a beat approachable that's a nice oh it's so tricky with skiing so I like I because they felt like everyone was doing

but surely there are like groups that will do like oh we're meeting at this time to do this slope together yeah but that's a big I always find those really hard like those meetup things really hard that's why hostels are nice because people are just like around and you can be like can you pass me that napkin oh I'm sorry can you pass me that napkin

could you also validate me as a person because then I won't be a piece of shit or just around like seven o'clock and you just see someone come down and say are you going to eat for dinner do you know anywhere good yeah like yeah it's kind of That's a good one. Built in. Or usually you check in.

They're like, oh, where are you got to like fill in where you're from? And they're like, oh, we just had someone else from the UK check in. And you're like, okay, well, where are they? No, no, no, no, no. And then you find someone else. Yeah. Hmm.

Do ski resorts have hostels? Can I make some other suggestions? Oh, here we go. Bring a book you've been dying to read. That's a good one. You are less lonely when you have something good to read. Like, especially if it's something that you're like, oh, you were bullied at school. No, I just preferred books.

Everybody say one. and say one that you really likes, you can take it. Oh, you just bought us all, all my mothers. All my mothers. No, don't read that by yourself. Oh, yeah, no, it's sad for it. Andrews cried. Have you finished it?

Yeah. Too much crying. Oh, okay. But also crying is nice sometimes. Yeah, I agree. Also bring a journal so that if you feel lonely, you can write down what you're feeling. Where's Waldo?

Where's Wally? That's my recommendation. That's a bad one. Yeah, I agree. I agree. Thank you. Couldn't agree more. That was just honest.

But all the other times, it means I was also honest. She'll be pissy for a bit. Okay, so journal and book and also podcasts and also, I think, Bumble. And also maybe join a lesson at a level that you want to be at because those people will all be on the same level as you. They'll probably be doing the same slopes as you and they'll want to talk and then you definitely have an inbuilt social.

That's it, a lesson, a ski lesson. Really, really good. Or if you're on the slopes and you've never done it, snowboarding lesson. Oh, my God. Make friends with horses on a carriage ride. Huh? Make friends with horses on a snow carriage ride. They say horses are the best friends of some people.

I've heard this. In Teen Mom O.G., the later seasons, Caitlin gets really depressed and she buys a horse to help her with her anxiety. No, Tyler's like, don't do it. We don't have the money. And she's like, I need it for my anxiety. Can you just do a pony or a donkey? No, she needed a horse.

for higher anxiety You think ponies are less expensive than horses Yeah but they're just like You're just going to get more like longevity out And that's like buying a new car rather than an old car The ship car Ie the donkey makes sense to me Your angel's not being very nice to you right now

Okay well I think we solved that one Give me another problem Also if I may Oh yeah we don't have time But also if I may be Oh shit If you have had a mutual breakup.

Oh, yes. And you have the budget to take yourself skiing. Life's pretty good. I'm sorry to be the perspective guy. But that's like not so bad, right? You could be dumped, for example, and not have

the money to go anywhere. Like, mutual. I really think you should go to the Philippines and go to Tocloban. Or move to Germany. Not being. I would say... Or like be like have some... Like a write a diary of the things you're grateful for? Oh no don't do

a gratitude journal while you're skiing why not I think that you could really help not why you're skiing because you're pissed about but she or they love skiing they think they love skiing everyone thinks they like the idea I think they're like too fun even if someone enjoys skiing

the reality of it can't be fun it can't be I really believe it can't be because you're cold and you're doing exercise but you're like you're falling down this mountain and you're all by yourself and you see loads of ambulances

like the fear is really high you can't be happy you can't I don't I've never seen loads of ambulances wherever I've gone I saw like four you saw four ambulances on the ski slopes well four in five days

somebody's a lot the same ambulance just parked up every day was there a hospital beside it no what's happening but yeah people die

avalanches yeah but when does that happen all the time I don't know no avalanches because that just takes one person to sneeze and then it like

displaces one penis it does Andrew it's an echo you're thinking of when goofy goes yo the whole thing comes down yeah okay well listen

I think we nailed that problem don't sneeze bring a diary and you'll be fine watch the goofy movie watch the goofy movie no what do you do doing are you getting your t-s-out oh thank god you're wearing the goopy t-shirt you're wearing a goopy t-shirt

stand out above the crowd even if i'm going to shout out loud tonight is the oh thank you so much for doing that podcast brand of applause for laura god do it um please tell us where we can find you online on on instagram it's my name la ricote and um then i won't say it again laura ricote and then i won't have I have a show now, but this will come out later. How are we selling your name on Instagram? L-A-R-A, and then R-I-C-O-T-E. Great. Which is almost like the cheese.

Ricotta! But it's shorter because it has one T and then an E. But if it helps anyone remember it, I'm willing to say that. Wow, you're barely willing to say that. But you were like, you said I believe in angels with your fool jazz. You were like, yes. Yeah, I stand behind what I stand behind. And I think Lara's final message to all of our listeners is question everything in your reality.

And ASL is a waste of time. We must ask one. And I will need it. And then you'll see me here in a couple years. Hollering in your sign. I look forward to it. Thank you so much. Thank you.

Producers, Simon Moores, Guy Goodman, Mary Fox, Annie Tonner, Sarah Harkay Deakin and Oliver Diego, thank you so much. Thank you so much. You guys are a legend. We're so grateful to you. Richard Bicknell L. Richard Balls, Neil Redmond, Victoria Hutchison, Emma Walton, Karen and David Bull, Harold Van Dyke, Eddie Doyle, Tim and Don, David Walker, Rachel Ransley, R. Anthony Conway, Cache, Marr, and Jones, Jess and Nick, Zoe, Joe Holmes, Sarah and Molly, Alex Pughy, Josie W. Amy, Cordelia, Ria Finch, Rachel Page, Helen A, Tina Lindsay, Sophie Chivers, Graham March,

Emily G, Amy O'Rearden, Abby Woff, Key Webb, Matt Sims. Thank you so much and welcome to Matt Sims to the story. Guys,

thank you so much for supporting us. We're so grateful we couldn't do it without you. I know. It's been amazing. It's been amazing. If you're not already a Patreon, you should be.

Get on there. Come on. When work doesn't come in for us, it means that we can keep doing this and we don't have to run around scrabbling in a cafe. Exactly. And also,

now if you're on the Patreon, you get the podcast without ads. yes please as well as all the other benefits you get too and the extra episodes I mean there's so many extra it's an extra episode where every episode we've had it and the minshut anyway thank you so much I told you not to-bye