Trusty Hogs - Ep77. MAISIE ADAM / Halifax, Horror & Holibobs

Episode Date: March 23, 2023

A comedian in a league of their own, the brilliant Maisie Adam joins us this week! We chat horror movies, bad holiday tattoos, and, believe or not, golf... FOLLOW MAISIE: @MaisieAdamThank you so much for listening!Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Simon Moores / Guy Goodman / Mary Fox / Annie Tonner / Sarah Jarque-Deakin / Oliver JagoPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Karen & David Bull / Harald van Dijk / Eddie Doyle / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Jo Holmes / Sarah & Molly / Alex Pugh / Josie W / Amy / Cordelia / Raia Fink / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Sophie Chivers / Graham Marsh / Emily Gee / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Kie Web / Matt Sims / Luke Bright / LeahWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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hello and he's just feel common you're going German it is episode 77 of trusty hogs no see I did this true just to try and show off. Do it in Irish. Do it in Irish. It's 77. 17. 17. 13.

Ellen was just mocking my outfit. No, I wasn't. Yes, what did you say when I came in? What did you say? You put a little bandana around your neck and it's just sort of like

just in case I didn't know you were gay but they don't, they know. It just feels okay. Whoopsy Daisy. A, it's an audio medium and B for anyone who's listening. Catherine put a little neckerchief around her neck. My homosexual girlfriend.

Buy me the little necker TV. Am I wearing it with a denim shirt? Yes. But don't I look like a cute cowgirl? Let's go lick piss in the fucking Wild West, baby. I love that. Second of all, I thought it was like that. You would not, I cannot see you in the Wild Wild West.

I cannot. I think I'd make a good bar winch. Yeah, bar went 100%. But not outside with the horses and the dung and the shootings. I could, I think I could like, I think I could be for like killing a misbehaving husband. Yeah. I don't know what I think I'd like only shoot one man but it would be significant you'd have a lot of reason I think there's an insignificant man I could

kill us that one I'd have had it up to here had it up to here through the fog step for the trusty hogs yeah you're gonna give me your problems and they will solve them or maybe they won't and that's your problem they'll have guests And Andrew White on the tech Oh, it's Helen and Catherine As the trusty hogs Trust the trusty hogs

Or maybe not Sometimes I feel like we bring feminism backwards As you say Yeah, we do Yeah Neither of us are doing a really good job for feminism Like equal pay is getting further and further away The more we chat

Yeah, I do think I should make more, that's true I think Andrew, can we pay me more than Helen? What? We already do Oh great Okay good Catherine gets more than I do

It's just based on No no I spend so much more I need more We're putting some of yours away actually I would genuinely appreciate that If you were A little trust fund

Yes Trusty fund I so need a trusty fundee I so need a trusty fundee We actually should do that on She's not We should do Do you remember that age

When like Like you become aware of trust funds Because it's on like So many American TV shows Like oh he's got a trust fund Only Americans have trust funds, right? That's not a thing. I think so, I think it's just an American thing.

But then that realization of like... Are we so far from wealth that we're like, there's no way they have this in Britain, right? I think it's just inheritance here, isn't it? We just call it differently. Yeah, okay. You can have a, you can set up a trust fund in the UK, but I think it is slightly different.

And they get it when they turn like 21 if they've done certain things, right? Like, if they, so like in America they're like, if you've got a degree, then you can have your trust fund when you're 21. And then they just get given like loads of money. Yeah, sort of. You set up a child's trust fund, although I think they have stopped that in the UK.

So only children born between a certain years can get the trust fund. And then otherwise a trust fund is like to withhold money for people. So like if you, oh no, so like if somebody's on benefits and they receive a large inheritance, then they would all their benefits would get cut off until they spent through their inheritance. But you can put it in a trust fund and they can apply for like spending money or to buy certain things without. He knows so much. Sometimes he's such a nerd. He's so smart, though.

I need to know stuff like that. If I, for some reason, inherit loads of money, I need to spaff it immediately. No sense, but from where? But, like, I don't know. Let's say, let's say, let's say my dad has a load of money that is hidden from all of us. That seems so unlikely. But you know that me and my cousins have a theory that there has to be family wealth? He's secretly rich.

Have we talked about this before? Like, I am so sure. So my grandfather is the one that invented the Vyrax. Yeah. And obviously the story is that like Oh but he did it when he was working for a company So the patent isn't his And like he needs like it all went

You are so bad with money I would hide the family wealth from you So it's like but from all of us From all of the cousins on the Bower side We're like I don't think that's a way to live To hope that they're secret money But they're all such like The Bower men are all like

They all live in like My dad lives in like a rented little flat And Uncle Jerry lives in like a really dilapidated house And he's got a He doesn't pay for water He just collects it at a bar off on the roof and filters it himself like no joke like and we're like there has to be something because I think my dad did but I think his brothers went to private schools like back

in the day like there's something going on there but the theory is that my grandfather spaffed at all on sex workers but like he had a really big house in St John's Wood but thing is it was full of pictures of him with different sex workers like he's like they're like 86 like really skinny and like just gross and then just like all these gorgeous just young girls. And it's like, oh, apart from his girlfriend

who was 82, who loved a nipple clamp. Shout out to Anne. Rest and peace, maybe. Yeah. Okay, so that was,

you understand a lot of information for me in front of. Yeah, but then it's like, so then we had a house and sign of one's word. And my dad and mum used to meet his anecdotes

that he was like, he was that like really like gross old man, like full of syphilis who would like go around and do all his food shopping at Harrod's food hall like in a,

in sweatpants. So it's like there's money there. No, what you're telling me is that the money's gone, babe. The money was really spent. Do you think it was all gone? It sounds, I don't think people are collecting water on their roofs because they have more. I think he is. Because we also, like, Jerry is like, my uncle Jerry is a very intelligent man.

He was the one that invented or, like, designed for the French team, the metal shield that went over Chernobyl, over the power station. Like, he's like a nuclear physicist. Whoa. Like, he's incredibly, like, advanced. I will say, I do know. of rich people like this as well who are like water on the room. Andrew, why are you feeding this? I could own all

of you one day. The point is that even if the money exists I don't think it's smart for you to live like it does because one it might not be given to you. Two it might not exist. Three, even if you get it, I think you'll make terrible choices.

That's so true. This might be a beautiful opportunity for you to learn that if it, I don't think it does, but if it does how to you know exist with money like maybe you could try it by like keeping some of your money no I have I can't on my audible subscription so don't worry

steps are being made in the right direction you think what like six pounds a month 999 999 a month that's gonna do it that's the big I had a real sweet grandparent moment the other day I was gigging in Farnham and I was on Google Maps looking at the venue and I was like my grandparents

used to live in Farnham and I went on Google Maps Street View and looked at where they lived. And then I was trying to find, because they, like, moved to a house, like, in the last couple of years of their life. We went to every Sunday. But the one that I went to every year growing up.

Like, I can see the house so clearly in my head. Like, we went there all the times. We live so close. And I could not remember the name of the street. And you know when you're, like, pouring over, like, Google Maps desperately trying to find this street? I was like, if I see it, I'll remember the name.

I do this all the time. I go down Memory Lane on Google Maps and, like, walk a route I used to walk to work. But it's not called Memory Lane. No. No, no, it's not called every latest silly little dick. Um, so fucking, oh, baby, that's why my family's got the money. That's why my family's got generational wealth, bitch.

But do you ever do that? Just like, go like, oh, I remember, like, this period of my life when I was, like, really down and I was, like, living here and I'd have to, like, commute every morning at 5 a.m. So I would, like, do the commute on Google Maps, like, pressing the forward button. I lived in the same, well, my parents lived in the same home since I was sorry. No, but, like, my parents were basically the same way. like grandparents' houses or like friends' houses from when you were little. I remember where my granddad lived. But like, oh, so I moved and I wanted to see the old house

and see if I recognise the outside. My granddad lived on the same street on a terraced road and court for his whole life and I got my cousin who now lives in the same house. Yeah. No way. Yeah, for my dad's 60th to go round the entire village because it was during COVID and take pictures of everywhere, She had such a good job. Oh, that's so nice, Catherine.

And I made it into an album for my dad. And I actually have a picture of the creamery in my dad's village, because he was a... What's a creamery? It's where they turn milk into pasta as milk and cream and butter. But my grandfather was a creamery farmer, so a dairy farmer. So I have pictured that over my desk.

That's so fucking lush. I guess I am as sentimental, except I'm kind of more specific, I suppose. No, but I think that... I still think it's specific. Like, you do want to, like, see these places. Like, you know those TV shows and then people go back to, like, where they grew up and they sort of go in and have a look around?

And it's like, I even have that for, like, my family home, which, like, my mum only moved out of. You're going home to your parents and they're like, hey, how are you? And you're like, who do I think I am? And they're like, Helen, T's ready. You're like, ah, yes, tea. My mother was a lover of Tee. The road I grew up on Fleet. Like, I never go there.

anymore. I never go past it. Like even if I do go to Flew, my mother was completely the other side of it. And it's like, oh my God, like that was the entire, basically the entire of my childhood. Like, it was the world. It was everything. And like so many things happen in that house. And it's like, I know that they've done it up. My mum's mentioned, because she just drove past everyone again. She's like, they've done it up. They've done it up. I'm like, I want to see it. I want to. In 10 years time, I'd love to be able to knock on the door and be like, can I have look around? Well, I would say go on the actual show, who do you think you are?

I can't. I can't. Too many Germans in your head. Yeah, yeah. They don't have any. one with my family. Unless I just did my mum's side. Ah, that would be tricky. Even then you still want to address. You have to address it. And also, let's talk away from the fact that your mom's side's probably like, another woman who thought she was a witch. And then we find out that we were the ones, we weren't actually witchers, we were the fucking women going. It's her.

It's Goody Bohar. Goody Bohar. I saw her fraternizing with the devil at the pond. Do you mean another lesbian woman? Yes. I saw them licking each other out it's goodies It's the goodies Are they all called

Goody something? Wow Wow You double down And I respect their hell out of it I really How much

How much did you want to be part of an acting dynasty When you were younger Are you kidding It was I mean Also I was just like Not no actually That's not true

I didn't want to be Part of an acting dynasty What I wanted to be And what I believed Would happen Here we go. Was to be discovered. That, it wasn't about dynastic.

I totally know that feeling. When, when Parent Shop came out and I wasn't in it. I was like, this might not happen for me. That is my move. That was, if you were going to find me on the street, it's for this. And then Harry Potter was going to be put into a movie and I was like, it's fine. It's fine. I'll be Hermione.

I'll be Hermione. Or at the worst, Ginny. It didn't happen. How many young women in Ireland and Britain were walking around genuinely believing that? When the Harry Potter films were announced how many of us were going like, well, that's me sort of then. I guess I better start saying goodbye to my schoolmate.

I was talking around like swishing being like, oh, I want, I wonder if, I guess I could do it on like this if anyone's interested. Oh my God. I could not believe when parents talk about it. I remember sitting for the first 20 minutes. I eventually was able to enjoy it, but for the first 20 minutes, I remember being like, what?

They're both. I could done this. This is my role. I love how you went straight for Hollywood as well. Like, you did not. I was watching CBBC going like, I'd fucking kill on that. No, no, no. I was on the big screen as far as I was like,

this is crazy. This is wild. Surely somebody walked by me. That's mad. Did you see that the woman who plays Chessie in Parent Trap took Meredith as a date to an award ceremony recently? The woman who plays Meredith Blake. They're still friends.

That's so cute. I know it really warmed my heart. That's so nice that could be me. Anyway, it's fine. Surely they'll be remaking parent trap soon. That feels like something that's going to be like coming back into our lives a lot. Yeah, and fucking Lindsay Lohen will get the mom part too now, the stepmom part. And to be honest with you, I'll fucking love it for her.

I fucking hope so. I hope so. What sad is that she's already too old to play Meredith's Blake because Meredith was like 22. Oh, well. So mad, isn't it? That's pretty tragic. Well, I love about the things you've been wanting. Oh, no, can I just tell you about Discovered really quickly?

Okay, but I want to tell you about what I've been watching, and you're not going to be happy about it, but I think it's great. Andrew, get your Google ready. Getting ready for some absolutely mad names coming at you. No, I am. No, go on. Bullswing. Is that even watching the golf documentary on...

No, but you text me saying you watched it. It's so good. Is it actually... It's so good. Because I heard two guys talking about it on the bus, and I was like, I'm all right. It's a real interesting time in golf. no because guys this cannot be our podcast now

wait for it wait for it it's a really interesting time in golf no but Helen listen to me because there's a real ethics dilemma in golf at the minute why? Because while generally all the golfers compete on what's called the PGA tour

for the first time ever there's a competitive competition and like league essentially being set up by the Saudis called the live tournament and they are offering massive massive, massive fees.

So in golf, I didn't know this. Usually, like, 180 lads show up on a Thursday. Yeah. If you're not in the top 70, you don't get paid. You don't get to compete. And then only they have a purse that's split between the top ranked people in the competition. So you can go and golf and not get paid, right?

So you don't make any money if you don't make it. Oh, fuck. You don't make what's called the Cot, which I think is a really interesting element that I kind of find enjoyable. And then, I mean, it's so interesting. And then... Wait, so their club doesn't sponsor them to go to a...

No. So you show up, and if you don't make it, cut, you don't get paid that weekend. Ouch. I know. Fascinating. So, Live is offering players money just to play, but like millions, like astronomical fees, like fees to play that are higher than any of the winning fees in golf. Oh my God. So everyone was like, no one's going to go.

This is obviously dirty money. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's also going to take away from the PGA tour. And the PGA tour say, if you play for them, you're banned from our competitions. And they were like, no one's going to, no one's going to do it. Oh my God. People went. It's split the PGA tour.

It's fascinating. Like 17 significant players have gone. And when they got the sixth in the world guy, Chris Smith, maybe. As if I know. You don't know. He's an Aussie with a mullet. They were like. Yes.

Oh, I love a mullet playing golf. That feels unique. But what's fascinating is all the guys who were like, don't fucking do it. Like Rory Maca Roy and Tiger and people were like, that's not worth it. And also like, let's keep the legacy of gold. Not complicated. Yes, Helen's a legacy of goal. Hark at her one episode of a documentary.

That's eight episodes. Actually, fuck you. I finished it. Oh my God. But the only ones who are gone are basically just like all the Americans going, I don't really see the issue. I'm just a dad looking after my family. That thing you could always argue your kids.

And their wives are going like, he would never make a bad decision for his kids. And you're like, you just want the $75 million he's going to get. What are you doing? So fucking dodgy. Truly so funny. But yeah, really interesting time.

But that's like, that comes up like, so like it's dirty money but it's like where does it come from? Like that amount. Is it oil? Well, it's from a regime

that's incredibly cruel to its people. Fucking hell. The same way that it was like, why are we having the rock up? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Except it's like, I'm now work for them. Have you ever got a gig in Dubai?

No. Have you ever been offered one? Yeah. And you said no. I tend to only try to gig in places where I feel like it's legal for me to be. a person. Yeah, that's a really good choice actually. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never been asked to,

but I have no desire to go. Yeah, I don't want their money. No whatsoever. Like, the only time I've been there is, like, going through, like, an airport. Do you know what I mean? Like, that changeover. And even then, like, it's just so uncomfortable. Yeah. Like, and trying to be, like, respect for the culture, but like, this is for women, this is for men. And sort of the separation and, like, the binary lines of it, like, I'm aware that it's a different culture they haven't grown up, but it's still like, oh, like, what is this? I know. It's also like, if we did Also, doesn't Dubai look so boring? I think it looks so boring.

And everyone's like, it's amazing. And I'm like, I think it's just hotels and bars with really cunty people. And also, I don't sun tan, so it's like, I can't go outside and I can't fuck who I want. Have you met people who lived in Dubai? Terrible. What the fuck?

I know. They're the worst. So boring. Like, there's nothing I would, what would we talk about? I don't know. Like going for a nice cocktail. That's the whole conversation.

There's no culture. There's no history there. I mean, I'm sure this is history, but there's no, but the... Not in Dubai, it's out May, they manufacture, there's nothing old. But it's more that you can't experience any culture anyway because it's such a division. Like, it's basically like going on to a gated community for a holiday. Like expats and holiday makers, if they're drinking, are not experiencing the culture. They're not like, it's not like, anyway, no thanks.

I'm not going... We actually have eight Saudi Arabian listeners. No, we don't. According to this data map I have in front of me. And if you want to donate to the patron... We will take your dirty money. Then thank you so much. And let us know if you're okay.

Let us know if you're okay. My issue isn't with Saudi people. My issue is with their government. Yeah, obviously, let us know if you're okay. Can I clarify? Helen, what are you going to do if they say they're not? I'm going to come get you. I realize Dubai is actually in the UAE, which is we have 27 listeners in the UAE.

Oh, hi! We think you've made a great choice living in Dubai. But those are Irish women, right? Those are Irish women teaching out there. with not paying tax for you to save for their houses and I get it. All Irish expats, yeah. Yeah, I get it.

I used to live with a lovely Irish girl called Kira, who used to work in Oman and teach? That's the thing. But the thing is like, in Ireland you can't afford a house unless you're giving money from your parents. So being offered a teaching job in Dubai for a couple of years so that then you can come back and, I don't know. Also, it means that you can win

if you move to the Middle East and you're Irish, you can win the rose a lot quicker because that's what Jill did. She run the rose of Oman because there was like two entrants. Oh my God. Do you know explain what the roses, 20 listeners? Oh, for the rose of Trilly. Yeah.

The Rose of Trilley is sort of a sad... It's mad. It's a sad beauty contest. No disrespect to my people. But it's not a beauty contest, but basically all the lovely girls go down to Trilly. And you get representatives from each town in Ireland. You can have a rose of London. And from San Diego.

All over the place, right? There is a rose. People compete to be the rose to represent their area, country, place, city, whatever it might be. And they all show up at the Rosalie And a man brings them on and says Now there, how are you, I love? What's your name? And she'll say, I'm Jill, I'm the Rose of O Man.

Oh, lovely. Great. So Jill, what's your special talent, Jill? And Jill's from the countryside of Cork. So something mental. Then they do it all. And then some, it was a huge talk when a lesbian won a couple of years ago.

Way, that's great. I didn't know that. Yeah, lesbian one. I saw her in a fancy bar in Dublin and I was like, oh my God. It's the rose. It's a lesbian rose. Yeah, listen, we're now not going to be able to do gigs in Dubai. You know that, right?

We've caught up our noses to spider morrow. Honestly, I think it's fine. There are places we'd like to gig, though. So where should we go? Obviously, America. I think we'd thrive in San Francisco. I've had a lot of good things. I'd like to go to Canada.

Where else do you want to gig? Yeah, I'd love to gig back in Montreal. I'd love to go to San Francisco. Oh, Spain. Two of us in Spain would be lovely. That would be really nice. So nice. Apparently there's a bunch of comics who did gigs at the South African Festival.

That sounded amazing. Really? That was really good. We'll go South Africa together, please. Oh my God, it would be like that episode. I mean, if we're not allowed to gig in countries to take issue with the government in, that I probably should stop gigging in the youth. In case.

Yeah. Like, what's the moral ground of gigging in England at the moment? Or Portugal, they've gone mad, haven't they? Oh, have they? Apparently, yeah. You're going to have to give me more information. Okay, I've just had they've gone mad from my friend daddy. My friend daddy!

Because he's half Portuguese. He said that, like, there's a really good donut shop near where I live that does, like, really good Dolce de Lachie donuts. It's a Portuguese place. But they put up a sticker in their window, which apparently is like the UKIP party of Portugal. He's like, we need to stop going there. And I was like, no. But the donut.

We can't get the Dubai money. We can't get the Delta deletche. What can we? Where can we go? Poor us. We really are the oppressed in all these situations. Honestly, that was like the best political corner we've ever done. It makes me so anxious when we talk politics.

Helen, I think we're going to cancel because we're not very smart. But we're talking about it. We're discussing it. It's good for people. We're not, but we don't have any information. Oh my God. How about this for fucking politics or Helen's History Corner? Millionaire Golders and you made it complicated.

It's not complicated. Do you know hear this? Do you know what's complicated? Fucking Apollo 13 landing back in the 70s. Now, that was fucking mental. Do you know about this, Andrew? I have a history corner. The thing is I can't really do the full history corner.

Because you know when you've got a podcast you're really interesting to, but for some reason you always fall asleep at the same point. I have no idea if they made it back or not. I honestly don't. And I was going to Google it. Do you want me to tell you? No, I don't want to know. I was going to Google it.

It's a short history of. And I honestly. and I'm really attached to these guys, I have no idea. You can't tell you. You mustn't, you mustn't. No one must, well, I'll have listened by then. I am so invested to something I know nothing about. So at the moment, the point I basically...

I can't, would you? What I get up to? So it's a short history of Apollo 13, released on the 7th of February 2020. I only get to like 41 minutes. First of all, that's a crazy long history. But second of all, would you think about starting in the middle? yeah you know i would yeah now i would i've learned my lesson so i basically keep on getting stuck at the

point so basically if anyone who doesn't know apollo 13 spaceshipy and um it go into spacey and it's doing it's like um it's stuff up there like going around and then um they get like a warning light and basically because of the way the oxygenization works they have to carry a tank of liquid oxygen on all spaceships then tons oxygen but because it's so oxygenized um there was a spark that went off and obviously immediately set a mass of fire in the oxygen tank, which meant they lost it and the side of this. But they were in deep space at this point, so they couldn't see outside of the ship. So they were just guessing, talking to people on the ground being like, we think this is what happened. We don't know. So they need to get them back home immediately. But the heat shield

needs the cooling system. So they're like really worried. So they're in orbit. They've basically been drinking. They've had no electricity on. They've had been drinking basically no water. They've had no food because they need to reserve everything. They can't cook anything. Are you telling me you get to the most suspenseful part of a history? And then my mind goes, I can't take the stress of this. And I immediately go, no way. No joke.

So they are in orbit and they're about to see if they can make it through the atmosphere at the right timing for not to burn up to get through. And I've passed out like three times now. Or been listening on a bus and just daydreamed. It's like the stress makes me black out. Wow. It's not the same. But I did go to see Gravity with my friend Karen in the cinema.

And we were sitting like two rows from their song. Who's in gravity? I know, but I want to think. But look, well done. Thank you. I remembered. I remembered. And I fell asleep about five minutes in.

Which means when I woke up an hour later, I was like, where's George? And Karen was like, you've been asleep that long? I was like. Oh my God, what happened? Where was he? He dies in like minute six of the film. No. Oh, sorry.

Spoiler. But she was like, are you fucking kidding me? And I was like, oh, my God. Do you know what happened in Apollo 13, though? Yes. Andrew, do you know? Yes. Okay.

You know what? Actually, I want to know. Andrew Teller. Okay. Yeah. No, oh my God. But also, no, I don't think. Actually, no, don't tell her because I don't know.

I want to know. I'm not telling you. Can I tell you why I'm not telling you? Yeah. Because I think you're going to be furious when you're told and I would like the anger directed at not me. What should? So I have to tell, Helen.

I don't think we should tell you. I think you should tell us. No. What I think happens. I'll tell you what I think happens. Okay. I think they make it back, but it's a crash landing,

and they die on the landing. What do I say here? Are you definite, you want to know? I'm definitely, I want to know. It's like when Steve Goldsmith gave you that dead leg and then you were like, no, this is different. I want to know.

No, they all lived. Thank God. Why would there be a movie about it if they all died? Thank God. Well, I don't know about the movie. Yeah, but it's like you know it's an American movie.

Oh my God. And do they landed absolutely fine and it was all okay? I mean, it was a very rocky kind of tense landing, but they did make it back all right, yeah. Holy shit, because the thing with space travel, it's so touch and go. Imagine if Andrew's lying. It's so touch and go with space travel. You really don't know where you stand with it. Imagine if Andrew's lying.

Don't, you're not lying, are you? Imagine if Andrew's like, they all made it and then it's like, and they all died. Honestly, that race to space thing was mad when the Russians in the. Americans are both trying to get to space. But I'm like, I'm just finding out now. And someone wrote a lovely YouTube comment saying, thank you to Catherine to keeping on track, but thank you for Helen that proving that everyone learns at their own pace. And that's what I'm doing. Okay. Hey, you know what I am learning loads about? Oh, learning loads from. Here we go. Golf. No, sorry. I mean, yes. I did enjoy it. Although I'd like to see the women's

PJ tour. Thank you. Oh, there isn't one, is there? Surely there is. What about our boobies? How are we going to hit that? Oh, well, it's just small boobied women could play No, you guys have to thrive as well, I get it I assume, no offence, I assume it's all my kind playing golf I would have, I would have Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

One me running around as the caddy Like with a little bag Don't worry, I got it, gas! The caddies are their friends The caddies help them figure out the shots The candies will go down on the grass with them and we figure it out Pick them the right iron And the caddies only make money if they do.

Oh my God, it's a risk. It's a real risk. It's a real risk. It's like hitching your start to a friend seems like a crazy call. And yeah, here we are. I'd still be your caddy. I would bank on you 100%. I'd be your caddy. That's kind. And I'd have fun little animal heads on each of them.

I think you'd be really good at golf, Catherine. Oh. No, you don't have the patience for it. Is that a burn? No, a compliment. A compliment. A compliment. I do love walking.

I like stuff that you have to practice on that there's stats about. There's a British player who, does all of his own, like, write down every single shot and has done since he was seven. Fitzpatrick, fascinating. I think it's Fitzpastricht.

I'm pretty sure it is. Oh my God. Can you feel our friendship ending? Can you feel our friendship ending? I also watch the tennis one. Right. You know what? Let's have our guest.

Thank you so much to listening to both of us. You know what? The end of a friendship. Wait, why do you think I'd be good at golf? Because I'm a lesbian and I'm kind of old and I love walking. No, I just think it's a game

that requires a bit of intelligence and a bit of patience. And I think you have all of that. I'm not very very. patient, although I am frankly Really? I think you are quite. I think if you know where you're heading and you've got a plan, you can be very patient. That's so kind.

Thanks, Andrew. Hello. What a nice guy. I think you'd be a fantastic caddy. Thank you. Can the caddy smoke? Yeah, but honestly just drive around as having fags. Like, I fucking live in my dream. Oh, right. Come on. BN, be on. Do, do, do, do.

Please, welcome. Oh, it's a sports girl. Oh, my God. Let's talk sports. It's Macy Adam Welcome Macy Adam I remember this is so This is the worst introduction ever

No it wasn't It was you know the moment But you just feel really seen And you're like oh that is Oh I bet she's not the only one And we were like with a group of comics This is ages ago now And you went

Oh yeah Helen always does an Instagram story but whenever I see them come up I'm like better put the headphones in for this it'll be loud you'll ever watch a Helen Bauer Instagram reel if you're just on the train Am I wrong? You're not wrong Where's the lie? But then for like three weeks I'd be like singing in my room filming me

having a party and I was like Maisie's pissed off I'll go on Instagram and clock I don't have my air pods with me and I'll go I'll save it for later That's not for now That's not for now that apart from that you're a really nice person One intro Both trips we've talked with us both both trips

we've talked about on the podcast we haven't had your side Maisie you went to Finland with me and you went skiing with Helen can we talk about the skiing because I can only assume no let's do Finland because skiing is too is fresh for me it was every bit as chaotic I think for the viewer as much as the participant

like just to watch you stress amongst all that was quite I couldn't walk no you couldn't walk but also I feel like the way you dealt with it kind of emotionally was quite a lot for the group oh really yeah take it out on everybody else take it out of it

is putting it lightly I would say project it to other people it's the point where we sort of felt like we had to apologise on behalf of Oh we're really sorry that Tom Horton's arranged

for you to come on this amazing trip and stay in a lovely villa and gig What is it Helen? Two sets of 10 minutes Yeah Poor Helen For a week of free skiing

Poor Helen And you wouldn't learn how to do it And the spa passes And all the free food You wouldn't even learn No she wouldn't even She didn't even At least Stephen Bailey

Put a set of skis on He hated it He was miserable. He put a set of skis on. He terrified France to the spa. Twice. Why did you take a spot from two people who could have skied? In my...

You rich kids who've been training their whole lives to ski. Could have had those free holidays. It's such a Bauer thing to do. Get invited on a ski comedy festival and be like, sure. Go along and listen the whole time. I'm the person for that and then turn up and moan. Oh, poor little Helen. Oh, I'm very chilly.

My ankles are cold. I fell over. Whereas I feel at least you were, you went very kind of, uh... She bought a brand new coat. Yeah. I gave a hell, didn't I get, I did my best. I've never, I played football in the snow. You played football in the snow.

That's so mad. Even though I only like to watch sports on my television. There was a section where we had to, like, oh, you've probably spoken about it, but, um, go into the lake, into a frozen over the lake. And, uh, me, Catherine and, uh, Sophie had to do it. Hell. Yeah. The air was minus 21, so the order was colder, just FYI. It's good for you to do it, though, for endorphins.

You know, when you see people like mentally perperful something and they just sort of emotionally shut down? Yes. Like, we were all making sort of light chit-shap being like, oh, it's going to be cold. Oh, I wonder how cold. And Catherine was just sort of staring. In the middle distance? Yeah. It was really weird.

I've seen you do that before. Sometimes, like, I'll be coming round yours for a hangout and you answer the door and you sort of go into this autopilot mode of like make her a tea. make her a coffee and she'll have two hot drinks and she'll be gone. She stopped replying with words and just sort of sounds

and be like how does that finish? She'd go mm-hmm Mm-hmm Yes! Well there was a point at which I was like

I have to do this now or I'm not going to do it and also I need to go first if I watch somebody else go through this torture I won't have the guts to do it so I'm just going to go first and I also nobody

expected me to go first so I thought fuck it I'm not just good I was like I'm going but the second I did decide it and it was one of those kind of colds where like you're like I'm going to meet my ancestors

He's like, that's what's going to happen here. And I took off. It's not funny, Maisie. People have died in Frozen Lakes. I was like, here I go. I'm off I go. And just as I was about to go into, like I had taken off the coat,

this huge coat and this freezing. Were you naked? I was in very, very, very little clothes. So basically. And this producer is just like, yeah, so I wonder where we should film from. I'm like, you fucking get it. They weren't reading the room.

I was like, I've taken my coat off. doing it. Do you remember that being a genuine threat when you were younger? Like people saying like be careful around the frozen lake and canal. There was a canal on our town. Everyone was like, you've got to be careful around it. I don't know a single kid who went under but we were like we lived in fear of it. That and quicksand. I've never come across quicksand. Because of Amy and little women. That's what I think it is when Amy goes under in little women and then Joe comes and saves her. You're not aware

of it. I'm not sure and you deserve to drown but Joe saved her for some inexplicable reason. Have you seen it? Haven't you read it? No. Oh wow My last feminist because I've not read No but it explains why you're straight Why I'm straight and I've read it But you were always going to be Maisie's on the line

Oh really Oh because of the football And the bits of bobs This is my favourite episode Yeah I'm so happy right now Imagine me going on With Catherine Bohart

Sophie Duka and Olga Koch What do you think the main thing I hung out with the quiz Yeah, yeah. You bloody straight. Look how gay you look. And you can't retort because then it's a hate crime. Baby, you would come down with this haircloth, with your fresh trainers on, your often matching tractsuit. The World Cup was on, so I was very excited about that.

Yeah. She would carry a little bit to wear. I know. What was she meant to wear? And the football was on. Of course none of us wore a drag suit, babe. Did you not? No, darling.

And it was practical for the weather. I'm with, baby, baby, go. I wore a track suit when I skiing. Well, went to the ski plane. You can move freely in the snow. I understand that. I don't know to tell you. Amazing was just like hitting on women

and offering people arm wrestles and you were like, and she seemed gay. Wait, how many people are you offering onto arm wrestle on the average week? I'm obviously not true. Okay, but okay. I was totally going.

The fact you believed it, he ate at every receptionist and trying to find you look like the kid who would like try and get into arm wrestle if they weren't wanting to play knuckles. Oh, like a thumb. Yeah, like a thumb of what? You look like a thumb.

like you thumb war. I thumb war. Yeah, yeah. I'm quite good at a thing. I've got very long thumbs. Do you? I've got long thumbs too. A hundred percent yes. Take it seriously though. One, two, three, four. I declare a thumb four. Five, six, seven. Get it right. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. You said thumb four. You did indeed. You did indeed play it back. Andrew. He can't do

that. Listen. One more shot. Give me another day. I was going to somebody way. It was actually quite cool. Yeah. And then, and then you blew it. You cocked it up. I would say that is immediate win for me. No, we've started. No, Masey. Are you doing the nails digging into the fingers, see the person quits?

No. Three, two, one. I do the hide. Yeah. No, no, no, do you the thought. This is embarrassing. Okay, if you're, if you're happy with these rules, you've got to keep your... Helen!

No, you're just... Helen, Lauren, four, but hell. Oh, she scratched my lip. Maisie Witt. Oh, my God, like a sniper bat. Your lips shouldn't have been near her hand. I thought I'd go for the old bite. Sorry, you can't just have a pop-up mate

for looking like a lesbian and then that'd be something that you've said. that Helen's lip shouldn't be near my hands. Helen, you tried to bite you. She was so violent. What's wrong with you? Macy wins. Macy wins. You fucking lose her about Helen. Look, for anyone who's just listening,

I did just try and hit Macy, but I stopped myself because I'm in-post control is important to me now. Bitch. Fucking bitch. Yeah, I'm regretting coming home. No, Macy, no, Macy. I'm thrilled you here.

Can I tell you why? Because I keep trying to talk to Helen about my new interest and she doesn't care. Do you watch the golf show on Netflix? The golf? Golf Show. Yeah, it's a golf show. As of two hours ago, Catherine's now into golf and I am livid.

No, I watched the whole series. And I watched the tennis one. Do you watch the Formula One one? Did you watch the Formula One? Yeah, I've seen that. Okay, well, now they have a tennis one. Yeah. And they have a...

What's this coming from? This sudden... Oh, I've always loved sports docks. I don't want to play the sports... Oh, okay. I've seen most of them. I thought you might have watched the golf one. No, I don't do golf.

No, either do why. I don't do Formula One, but I watch the documentary on it. Like, it's fascinating. No, you're not going to get me watching golf. Thank you, amazing. Did you watch Sondland until I die? No. No, I've watched the Leeds United one and the Spurs one,

but I'm not watching Sunderland until I die. Because Dwight York left Katie Price and refused to acknowledge his son. Facts! Oh, she holds a ground! Fucking facts! I know, finally, we've got a sport that crosses over into my world. That was awful, wasn't it? It was fucking awful.

I won't watch a documentary because of Dwight York's. Does he play for Sunderland? Is that Ian Porterfield's club, isn't it? That's a famous Ian Porterfield one. Who's Ian Porterfield? Famous footballer from back in the day. Played for Funderland. Google him, and I'm correct.

Thank you very much. Yeah. I went to school with his daughter. I knew there was there. I think it was Sunderland. I think I was, am I right? I think you went to school. Ian Porterfield.

I think you went to school with somebody who went, my dad plays for Sunderlandlandland. Yeah, that's the good job. And when I say school, I mean college. I'm just there wandering around. Hello! Everyone's dad. That's famous now.

Yeah, he did. He played for 230 parents. You're fucking welcome, world. A little bit of a fact there. But you're a sports guy. You just came from Matt to the day X. Mm-hmm. That's cool.

Yeah. I love football, though. I'm not massive on loads of other sports, really. I'll watch the tennis. I do like it. What about the Olympics? Yeah, love the Olympics. Because you get into sports

that you've never watched before. I get that. Like, imagine if you were just like into pole vault all year round. But I do. Don't you? That's the thing with the Olympics. You're like, just, watching it and then you're like this women's

quarterfinal poll vault is the most important thing to me in the world and I just I get so invested it's intense I feel like of all the people I know though you'd be the person that'd be interested in something like pole vault all year round like oh Helen pulled out the gig because of the poll vault did you see the British woman

who just being in euros or she'd be watching it on her phone whilst on stage she wouldn't run out of the gig she would just be on stage are you watching this are you watching this anyone got a link for the pole vault final because it's my thing now I want to do

I remember when the London 2012 Olympics were happening I was working in a cafe and a bar on like South Bank but there was a bus they set up from South Bank to take them to Olympic Village so like with so many tourists there

we were working the whole time and like we'd be watching the like famous sort of like was it who's the really fast man Mo Farrah Usain? Bolt there we go

very fast he's very good what he does And we were watching that final, like, behind the cake. Some people were, like, asking for coffee. It's like, shal-la-ha-ha-ha. Oh, my gosh. And that final's quick. At least it's over fast.

Yeah. Not waiting that long for your thing. I feel really like, because the London 2012 Olympics, everybody got so into it. I was away for, like, the big bits of it. Where were you? I was on holiday in Zanti. So I can remember watching.

I always forget that you're such a basic bit. Yeah, I was so basic back in the day. Back in the day. I was so, amazing. Wow. When you went, Zanty 2012? Dante, 2012. Dante 2009?

Oh my God. You got Ireland's cocktails and rooms? No, we went Cherry Bay. White Party? Oh, Cherry Bay with a... I've got a picture of me on that jet. It's confusing because she's... On my Q's like, Stealth, basic.

But like, I ask you... No. As in, like, it doesn't seem apparent the second you meet you that you're a basic bitch, but you really are. I think if you saw me back in the day as well. Her first routine was about dance mats. She's a slave to the sash.

How do you remember that? I remember watching Maisie. So you think you're funny finals? I thought she was amazing. It's getting weird. It's getting weird. But I, like, back in the day, used to have, like, very, like, bright blonde hair with very dark roots. Like, almost gold hair, I would say. But I went to, I went to Zanty.

Yeah. It was, like, a sensational week. But I can remember watching that, you know, when they did that thing of, like, the queen coming out of the helicopter. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought you meant in Zanty. I thought it was actually the, I remember, like, watching it on the telly, but we'd been on, yeah, we'd been drinking a long time. We all started crying because we thought she'd actually done it. it.

Zanty, something happens whenever someone's in Zanty now is my theory because when I was in Zanty, Michael Jackson died. Yes. And we were like out for the whole night and then like doing that thing where you slowly go back to the hotel, you were like, we're going to stick together, right? We're going to stick together. And then obviously you come back in groups of twos being a fucking slut. She was making up with the other guy and she knew I fancied

him. And we'd be coming back in like little twos and threes, right? And then like I was in like one of the first groups to come back. We saw Michael Jackson had died. and we were like, we've got to be here to tell them. Like, we weren't even Michael Jackson fans. Can I'm saying we always stuck as a group in Zantling? Maybe we just had better bombs. Oh, fuck you.

We always like, if you had to go back, we'd be like stick as a group. But we were walking back and we clocked my friend Lucy had gone missing. Yeah, there you go. And we were walking back to Garden Palace at town. She just emerged out of a bush with a fellow. Like, we would just go down this little country road. She just emerged out. We were like, has anyone seen Lucy?

just like sort of like she'd picked up on the radar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was, oh, I'm here, don't worry. Just with this bloke from Halifax. In Halifax, that's nice. The place. The place. Yeah, it was Howard from Halifax.

Wow, that guy really made it. Those holidays are like they are of a moment. This is making me thinking that... Did you never do them? I didn't really have friends at school. The point is... She wants us to take you to, like, Ionapa or something. I really don't.

She went to Ibitho and she went on the other side. That's not, yeah, but I beef is like... I know. I'd love to take a Shagaloo. I'd love to take a Shagaloo. Yeah, you've got to go to one of the, like, budget. Shagaloof, Benadorn, Alicante area. Really? Really?

Yeah, I like to be busy on holiday. Oh, I was busy. I won the best teenage stripper on the bar of Medusa. What the hell? The prize was a t-shirt, but only came in an extra small, which was not my size. But I imagine most of the other stripping teen dangers were a lot tinier. I still got my best from Waikiki. Yeah, because you keep your prizes.

Yeah. I'm still friends with the girl on the door from Waikiki. She got fired because she was giving us free shots and now she's got a baby. It's mad, isn't it? Do you know people still talk about those shots being just anti-freeze? A bit of anti-freeze. There was also alcohol in it, just a bit of anti-free. Yeah.

Oh, then that's fine. It was incredible. Did you go to a white party? Yeah. God, Jesus Christ. We didn't do fine. Please explain what that is quickly. You just wear white.

You wear all white and you sort of like a bit of a walk down a beach to get there and me and my friend Kate missed half the party because we arrived and the party was raging

and there was a woman doing free henna tattoos and we were like we've got to get a hen a tattoo and it was of a little cocktail glass and we were like we've got to get our hen of tattoos but it took so long

we basically missed the whole party and came back with a smudged cocktail glass on our wrist. I was going to show you this actually I showed you this on no I spoke to you about this on Finland

and I don't think you believed it but that was from Zanto Oh my god You got a tattoo on your ass She did And then you had to get a cover up

When you get it removed You got it removed Oh amazing Oh my god Macy Anna was just shown me Her let's be honest pale in comparison It's so pale

It's so pale It's so put Look at that tan line It's like red lower back tan line Are you saying tan not burn Okay No that's a tan

And then she showed me Her full ass No consent ass forward I'm dealing with another Helen Bauer It turns out I don't think I'm showing you like.

Don't, don't, don't. She's really funny about it. Nah, that doesn't count. If I was fixing something in your house, that would just naturally come out. That's not like, and you would be because you've been a bunch. Here's the thing.

The most insulting thing to me about your pale ass with a tattoo on that says Tarty is actually the font. What the fuck font is that? They didn't have like a sort of comic sans sort of like, but comic sans meets Playboy. It's like, teenager does calligraph. You're like,

what is that? What is that? You paid to get that removed as well, didn't you? How much is the removal? I mean, about five pounds for the tattoo, probably, but... Did it hurt like a bitch to get it removed? Is there, like, a smidge of it left? Like, when you try to get a stamp or from a club, is there a hint of it?

It's more like a sort of, like, sort of scarring, but in the sort of shape of the word toto. Wait, so you just changed it out from it. Yeah. Oh, my God. I don't know why that's made me really happy. It's made me the... I just did not know you've got Totty on your ass at any point. What respect?

Wow. What respect? Well. I remember this era though when it was like if you don't get to on holiday, it's like you haven't been. It was like the original fridge maker. Like a lot of like my friends and this was like we all. Well that's it. We all got equally bad fun.

I never did it. Well, um, so my friend Dan, like you know when you just have this like private joke that keeps going on like a holiday? So we were all just coming out of six form and at six form and he's be these posters around the corridors for like anti-bullying. Yeah. Said laugh along with a bully and you are a bully. Yeah. And so whenever like somebody was getting picked on in the group,

we'd be like, hey, laugh along with a bully and you are a bully. And just became this thing of the holiday. Okay. Wait, you guys bullied each other about the... Just like a bit about that. Friends bully each other. And then Dan tried to get laugh along with a bully and you are a bully on his tattoo. But he couldn't pay... You have to pay per letter.

So he just got the initials. So he got on his arm, lower by arm. Because it'll be funny forever It'll be funny forever So actually Tottie's not bad No you dodged a bulletin He had to get his removed as well

Lauer by arm Yeah Now is a really serious job As well you can't be going around With Lauer by Rove No Unless you come up with a Like it's the initials of people

In my life who have died Like you have to lie People would be like Oh what's that tattoo And you'd have to explain It's laugh along with a bully And you are a bully Because it doesn't

If it were the initials of people Then it would seem like You're a killer Like you wouldn't have that many people dead in your life unless you were doing it. It's like a body town. Yeah, exactly. There was a brief period.

Was it like last year or a year before? The listeners might remember. You remember when Soneil was really keen on just commissioning pieces of art? Oh God, when he got those fucking... Yeah, like the bulldog smoking a doobie on a surfboard up on its hind legs with a massive dong. Who's he going to do, though? My friends mainly.

And then an alien going up into space for the little speech bubble saying toke me to your leader with a doobie, obviously. Like, all just fun stuff. We just thought it was really funny And it is And then there was like a moment When that could have become a tattoo Conversation

But we've managed to both Like rain in But wouldn't that be great Like a full vista on your back Of a little alien Do either of you have like A hairless enough back For that to be possible

No we both We could raise each other We could raise our each other For a good hour before going in Then you'd have to leave it for a bit Because of the razor burn And the bumps are Not going to veet

Oh I couldn't veat my whole back My love The smell If I veed my legs My mom has to veet my dad's back It smells Beat smells so bad Huh

Just for holiday I just said holly bobs I've never said before my life Wow that's quite off brown I think I got caught Of in all the straight girl business And you went to say hollybobs Sorry I would never say

Holly bob If you say so Tottie My darling here's my question All of this leads me to ask The inevitable question Which is Straight girl culture is not good

Is that? I know it's horrible But it does It does kind of bring me to something which is what Macy's on the precipice of, you're going to be getting married soon. Oh, yeah.

Is there a basic bitch hendu in the works? Yeah, but I'm not in the WhatsApp group. Okay, but can I guess based on, can we guess based on everything we know about me? Yeah, okay, and then I'll tell you after I've been on it if it happened. Great, so it obviously should be... Five aside. Yeah, so I...

None of my mates like football. Not even your football mate. So what I was going to say is, I think it should obviously be like, if I were planning Macy's Hendon, it would be one last... check to be sure if she's gay. So it would obviously, yes, morning footing.

Really? Then a drag brunch, then some sort of like, maybe like a queer bingo, and then a lesbian night end. So bad. That's not how I do. No. Oh, not bad for the reasons that I'm saying. That's just not Maisie at all.

Hi, Mike. We love you, Mike. I take Maisie to a really fun, like, beach area in like South France. Paragliding. like really funny like banana boat like really go into the cheese of the noughties Arcade it up like grab machines get cuddly toys

She'd want to drink like a woo-woo Proper night out Yeah pictures pictures pictures pictures fish bowls Blue lagoon Oh my god I was cheeky V but everyone's different Blue lagoon okay you're not loads of straws everywhere

Like proper club bangers No techno lyric lyric lyric lyric Like real fun It feels important and respectful And then probably a fry-up the next day about 11, where people slowly arriving randomly with different bruises on their neck from hickies, and then Maysing going,

oh my God, yeah. That right there is the dream. Do you know why? This is why we should stick to our own. Streets with the straightens and the queers with the queers, and I'm sick of saying it. That feels like, for the record, I'm not going to be able to install. I feel like at this juncture I've said on record so many times, I think

Maisie's gay that I should say, hey Mike, I think you're a really nice boy. He's not listening to this. He hates your gut. But he loves little Helen. Loves little Helen. No, no, no, no, he loves all my straight friends. It's just this.

I like him. Can you tell Helen, please, and indeed all of our listeners, if you don't mind. Because Macy already told me this in Finland because we bonded because we were like doing cross-cultural exchanges. I was telling us. telling her about eating women out to you, telling me about being proposed to by a man. Cross-culture.

I wasn't. Can you tell Helen about how he proposed? Because I love his parents. You know this. I know the story. You know the story. She's seen like every bit of my stand-up. I'm a big Maisie Adam fan. Wait, the story you told me was material you do?

Yeah. Wow. Oh, this is not going well, Maisie. I'm not going to lie. This is not. I thought we were abonding. I know. She's just a middle distance thing again.

I thought we were a bonding and you were just... To be fair, Cuffet. you just asked how did he propose? I thought you'd tell me like an honest. It is honest. It's true. You worked it up for your show. Must be hugs, once again proving that women cannot work together in more than groups of show. Wow.

Or even groups of two. Should we do a listener problem and transfer all of our anger with each other at the moment onto someone else? Wait, wait, wait. Before we do it, let's do our very first compliment circle with a guest in. We've done, we've done ones of gas in. We haven't. When we feel angry with each other, we do a compliment circle. where we all give each of the compliments. I know you're too British to like this, but honestly you brought it a side of like resentment in me

that I think we need to remedy. It's not my fault. Like, Masey, let's fix the situation, please. I, Maisie, you are so funny. So funny and just such a joy to be around. Like I know I'm always just going to be laughing my head off, just enjoying myself and I just, I find it so fun. Catherine, what can I say?

You are a dream. You answer the phone. You'll listen to any fucking. shit I say with compassion and love and I appreciate you okay and now Catherine does one for each of us and you do one for each of us

you're fine you don't want to go home you want to stay so funny how really people react to this they really panic if they're not Helen I like being complimented sometimes Maisie I'm into your hair it does it for me I like it you're lying

I like you give too no I actually I'm into it take it on but I thought that was the point look at her and say thank you don't look at me look at her thank you and your hair make a book lovely today. Thank you. You're a very funny girl.

Helen, I remain incredibly in awe of your rack. Thank you. Me and Helen, well, me and Stephen Bailey put our heads in Helen's bra

when we're in Finland. You know, like those airplane helmet? No, in France, in France. It's like, you know those old school airplane? Yeah, it was incredible. Yeah.

It was amazing. Yeah. If I've got a picture of it, we'll pop it on the Trusty Hogg's Instagram. Can you send it to me and we'll put it on the Instagram. It is, It was amazing.

So far you haven't actually got a compliment, though. No, deflecting a lot. That's interesting. I'm going to find you this first. I mean, the listeners know what my bra looks like because I think I've put it on a guest head before. You've put it on mine. You're welcome.

I don't think Maisie's going to give us that. Incredible. Oh my God, you're both fitted at the same time. Yeah, send that to me. You look like it's really delightful. It's amazing. And we went out of party that night and I had to put it back on. With it like an umbrella that you got to stick with your own hat.

It was amazing. That's the kind of marquee you could have a wedding in. I'm wearing the black version of that one right now. Yeah, well, it was warm. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was straight off. Also, like, it came on invited. We were like, oh, do you reckon we could put our head in?

And before we, like, even finish that sentence. Your head were in it. Like, she had three layers on. Complimentous, Maisie. Oh, I really thought I'd got away with church. You can do, you can do whoever you want first, whatever feels more comfortable. Don't think about it too long because it does hurt our feeling.

All right. You're, you would... Say my name. Helen. Yeah. I thought it was really. It's really nice that you came out to France, and even though you didn't go skiing, you still brought a lot to the group dynamic. Thank you.

A lot of what? Charm. Charm. I charmed them. I charmed the group. Hi, Jean. Catherine. Yes, Meesey.

You were great fun to watch the World Cup with, actually. You were great fun to watch the winning. Well, yeah. I thought you didn't expect it. I'll take it. I thought she'd take it. I thought she'd hate it and we went to an Irish bar

which I think you really appreciated and... Especially if he is at home. Just a bit of fun. Just read the problem. Okay, right, you know what we tried our best? No way that's enough. Macy, you're officially my favourite.

Okay, off you go, Andrew. Okay. Do you want to do an exit, Macy? Macy looks sad. Macy not. That's amazing next way that. It's appalling. It's every episode.

Every time. Okay. So this is perhaps relevant with an upcoming wedding. Oh, a wedding problem. Yay. You love wedding. Why is our guest crying again?

Why? You know crying. To men. Well, I'm not like a... Wedding to men. I'm not Elizabeth Taylor. This is my first time. I've married nobody before.

Well done. All right. I don't know what you get up to do. Zanzibar? Or wherever it was. Zanty. Fuck me. Big girls' weekend

in Zanzibar, was it? You know that classic end of college trip to Zanzibar? Oh yeah. That was going down the strip. Zanzi. Zanzi fucking bar! Wow. I don't know. I think about your culture.

Okay, Andrew. Okay. So this is from 8. You buy a pair of socks. Two socks. You buy a pair of Bombas socks, that's four socks. Because one purchased is one donated. Sox are the number one most requested clothing item in homeless shelters. So when you buy a pair of super comfortable Bombas socks, you're also donating a pair. Bombas customers have powered over 150 million donations. So Bombas would like to thank you 150 million times, but we only have like 30 seconds. Go to bombus.com and use code audio for 20% off your first purchase. That's BOMBAS.com and use code audio at checkout. home projects because you're not sure where to start Thumbtack knows home so you don't have to don't know the difference between mat-paint

finish and satin or what that clunking sound from your dryer is. With Thumbtack you don't have to be a home pro. You just have to hire one. You can hire top-rated pros, seed price estimates and read reviews all on the app. Download today. Hi, H! Hi-Ate! Hi-H!

The problem entitled Bridesmaid Snub. Okay. Oh, I think... I'm into it already. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm not. I think I might have first-hand experience to unload here. Oh my God, okay, okay. Here we go. So H says I am 28 and appear to be at a stage in my life where everyone around me is getting married.

Sorry. I feel very fortunate that I have lots of close friends have invited me to their special days, but there is one that has stuck with me. I don't want to be a nightmare friend in the situation or make the day about me, but my best friend through uni, whom I lived with on and off for eight years and still see regularly, and often refers to me as the most supportive friend, has not asked me to. to be her bridesmaid. Good.

Why would you want to be? It's so much more fun as a guest. Sorry, go on. I know. We listened to the whole problem. And actually asked three of her other friends to be in front of me while I stood there awkwardly. Oh. Oh, no.

Okay. That's fair. I was quite impartial up until that point. I was like, why would anybody? What the fuck. I helped her get ready for her first date with her fiance date and was there for the debrief afterwards. When she got engaged, I was one of the first people she told.

I feel like I'm one of her closest friends. but she didn't even think of me for some reason. I feel ridiculous getting upset about this because I know it's her and her fiancé's day but I'm finding it hard to stop feeling upset and wonder what I've done wrong that she wouldn't think of me for this situation. Also, it's awkward

because all of our friends are assuming that I'm upset so I have to keep responding graciously and that is also difficult. A close friend who I hadn't even thought I'd be a bride to me before got married last year and didn't ask me but called me up unprompted to say that she loved me

and had thought about me, which was such a small but kind gesture and really threw into perspective the snub from my close friend. So, trusty hogs, how do I respond to the questions about not being a bridesmaid? And how do I get rid of this resentment

so I can just be happy for her and love her? Wow. Can I ask something before we to go into this? Can we put this one in the patron because I've got like a really good example but I'd probably use names. Well, what if she's not a patron

and then she can't get the answer? Oh, that's a good point. Damn it! Okay, we'll talk about it. Out of it later. We'll talk about it later. Just use a code name, maybe. Okay, code names. I think this is a universal problem

that we should talk about because what I was thinking, I don't know if anybody else was, I was waiting for her to say, like she'd just asked her sister. Yeah. How many prizes did she have? Three, for at least three in front of her.

Yeah, that's the... In front of her is that. That's where the line is. Because before that, all I could think was like... You know what? Being a bridesmaid. Being a bridesmaid,

obviously you want to be there for your mate and show up for them, but you can have so much fun. You can be... Number one, you can still go and support your mate and so loads of love, but obviously, you know what, I don't know what I'm saying. No, but it's, I don't absolutely want to be a bridesmaid.

Yeah, yeah. You still get to go to the wedding, you get to celebrate their love, but you don't have to do... We're all having a panic, aren't we, right? Which is that, like, I have, I've only been bridesmaid once and adored it. Okay.

Because it was for somebody who is family, basically. Right. And so, that's fine. But if most people ask me to be a bridesmaid, I'd be like, oh, for a fuck sake. Do you also not feel like you'd have a gauge on, as this person thought should do, of like, who would ask you

and who wouldn't. So I think, like, I've got four and I think the four I've asked always expected it. I think there's one person who thought there would be and they're not. But that's... Did you ask all the other four in front of her?

No, exactly. Yeah. I didn't even do that courtesy call thing. But I think I wouldn't be able to do that without feeling like I'm sort of going... No, the courtesy call is very nice, but it's very specific, yeah. But I think... I think the person, I've only been a bridesmaid once

and it was for this person who I've not asked to be my bridesmaid. But, get this, we're friends. We were very good friends at Sixth Form. We are friends now. I see her occasionally when I go back on north. Like we wouldn't even, like, we don't really text. But back in Sixth Form, we were like, oh, one day we'll be each other's bridesmaids.

I didn't think that was actually a thing we'd stick to. Yeah, yeah. And now, like, I'm not being funny, but there's several people in the queue before. Yeah, because you're like, your world changes around you. Me and my cousin promised when me got married that the one who wasn't getting married would sing, I dreamed a dream wailing through the reception. And she got married and she vetoed it. She was like, absolutely not, you're not doing it.

So I'd be emcee and a bridesmaid. Thank you so much for asking me. I had a wonderful time. In general, I put it out there. I don't think I'm asked me a bridesmaid in general, mainly because of how I look in a flower, brown um this is also it like unless you go right like sort of different humble brag which i am like the idea of being a bridesmaid can be so horrific with the matching dresses of like being forced to wear a color that you're not keen on being forced to organize something that you don't

really have the time to organize like i've spent most of my time saying to my bridesmaids like honestly don't worry about it sorry if this is like too much sorry like i hope it's not too bad like i've since being kicked out of the WhatsApp group, I'm just going, is the WhatsApp group, okay, sorry if it's really annoying. I'm torn by two different things. Like, on the one hand, I'm like, the two times I've been asked to be bridesmaid now have meant so much to me.

So Georgie, obviously. Yeah, and my brother's fiancé has just asked me to do. See? I love it. I wasn't expecting at all and is gorgeous. That's lovely. But in neither situation, even though it's about to be my sister-in-law and my best friend,

neither situation did I expect to be asked? as in like I wouldn't assume it and there are very few people I'd actually want to do it for so I guess I don't necessarily like I don't come from the same position as this person does so I want to have empathy part of me wants to be like yeah you don't get to expect to be like a certain role

in anybody's wedding it's their day yeah but another part of me hears this and it's like obviously hate that sounds incredibly actually quite hurtful and sounds like the in front of you thing is oh that's the worst bit and it's not over not that is mad and in my head I'd be like well maybe the relationship has changed a bit

but if everyone else around you is going, I really thought you would be, then it seems like that's not the case. In which case, I'm sorry, but if it's like, if it's more than two months out from the wedding, I'd maybe just say, I'm not asking to be,

obviously, that would be insane. I don't want this to be a thing. I want us to move forward, but I just, this hurt my feelings and I wondered if you could explain this to me? No, I'd ask, there's anything I could do to help. I'd go all British. I couldn't do that.

I'd say anything I can do to help. I'm 100% there for you. I'd say practical solutions, find out the colour of the bridesmaids' dresses, and buy one and just show up. Oh my God. There's other things you can do here. Like, you know. That's the healthy choice. Really?

So I'd hijack it, maybe do a wedding dance down the aisle, like get a remix on the music for the walking down the aisle. There's ways to do it. I went to my friend's wedding and Ireland last year. I wore green at the bridesmaids did. It was an accident, but, you know, I got a lot of attention for it. No, no. Can I say here's my... Other options?

I can say, yeah, go on. And then we'll go to the bride to be. I think that you could ask her, tell her that it hurt your feelings and say you want it clearly out because people are asking you about it and also like you are a bit confused. But if you do that hate,

you have to be prepared for hearing something that you might not want to hear. Yeah. To say like maybe she will say I don't think of us as that close anymore. Oh God. Which would be like so I don't know. It's stressful.

You're right though. I think that's the healthiest thing to do but I would just hate. Like so if this person that I've not asked came up to me and said just so you know it's made me feel upset

I'd feel awful yeah still wouldn't ask her but I'd feel awful no no and that's not what H I don't think H'd now want like a pity yeah

no no no but like I think I would be like if I felt like it was going to bother me but and also maybe the thing that I'll say is like I think it's most likely what they will say is of all my friends

you are the one who I knew would still help and be kind about it because you're my most supportive friend. That's a good point. And that actually, I had to put, I had to, I had to have limited number of people and these people would have been horrible about it, which is so unfair, by the way.

You shouldn't be punished for being the kindest. No. That's when it's like, you can be too nice, isn't it? But these things do happen and you're still at the wedding. You're still supporting your friend, obviously, like the fact that she asked in front of you is mad. It really is. Like, that's just so inappropriate.

Like, even if there was no chance for you, it's still a bit awkward. It's like a private moment you're there. Like, do you know what I mean? Like being there when someone tells her partner their friend of It's like, no, I want me here for this. Also, it's just abhorrent the fact that bridesmaids, we still do have to, in some ways, rank our friends and family.

That is kind of like what it is. Not to do that since my space, have you? Even though I'll tell you this, the tradition of bridesmaids is fucking mental. The only reason they had bridesmaids is because they thought the devil was trying to get the brides. They'd dress all the women up the same, so they'd get one of the bridesmaids. So if anything, you want to pick bad people for bridesmaids because they're a sacrificial

lamb. And I know that, because I researched it. Wow. Thank you very much. I would say that's for tradition of bridesmaidsmen. I think the other way to go, the less healthy way to go, but maybe quite a useful way to go is really taught up objectively, if you can, how many things are bad about being a bridesmaid? Oh my God, I said this one before,

but one of my cousins, when she was getting married, she wanted me and another one of my cousins that were both obese, like, blonde women with big curly hair. She wanted to send her big blondes down the aisle before she arrived at the end and her slinky little number with her brown hair. And she was like, so what I'm going to do is we're going to get the big blondes,

permit, and then put a big flower around their hair. very Muriel's wedding style and have us plod down like boom boom boom and then she'd arrive at the end just for her reveal and I was like I'm not being used as a big blonde

not in that way but I would have done it because it would have been fucking immense what do you think she should do Maisie your suggestion feels healthy same clothes

same dress you're thinking of my one no absolutely not absolutely not you couldn't do that at mine because I'm not making them all wear the same thing

what about wear waist yeah fuck you bitch wear a white Or maybe. Maybe. What about that? Right, here's what she should do.

She should do your bit of taking her aside and going, just, you know, this hurt my feelings. She'll then probably tell you something that makes you feel so pissed off. The only solution to that is wearing white to her wedding. Lovely. Yes, yes, yes. And you can turn up at the wedding and go, I just didn't want to wear anything that made me look like a bridesmaid. Yes! And then just say, I'm sorry, I thought the theme was the white party in Zanti, just memory.

wasn't our? Like, fucking nice. No, it's just a good line to be like I just definitely didn't want to look like to be mistaken for a bride. I know you wouldn't want me to be mistaken for a bride's maid. Oh, that's the one. Do it.

That is the line. Do it. Oh, I just really. Problem solved and you're fucking welcome, mate. How about that? You're bloody welcome. But also, age, in real terms, she's got, like, at law of averages,

they're getting married at, what, 28? There'll be another wedding. Do you know what I mean? Macy's right that Not you I'm 28 and I'm getting married Catherine I'm right here

I don't like it I don't like this Mike's a perfect man Nothing's gonna happen That would be on you if it did He's lovely This whole week was full of this shit Baby baby baby baby

I'm sorry Away with Catherine Barryman I know darling It's just you're gay You're gay, you're gay It won't last You're gay, just kidding I love him

Fuck on Maisie I've been questioning My sexuality on stage I was doing a work in progress today I said I'm straight half the crowd laugh because they've listened to this podcast so much

and then I spent about five minutes going look right I know we can't I'm straight and I don't know how to prove it to you but I am and I feel like I was losing my mind Also I feel like it's so straight when you have to You know when you This is going to sound so bad

You know when you hear your lot go Gay doesn't have a look or bisexual doesn't have a look Maybe straight doesn't have a look Catherine It does though darling It does look at us I'm in a football show I know, we're both going black and white tops. Like, come on.

I'm in a shirt that's celebrating a goal of the women's euros. Don't help the case, do I. If you're going to be culturally appropriative. You're probably going to assume you belong. Oh, I'm turned up in a t-shirt that's celebrating a goal from the women's euros and Dot Martins. You know what? Be respectful of our culture. We're going to go slug and lettuce and your law.

I'm welcome there. Yeah, we're going to go slugging lettuce and suck loads of men off. Yeah. And then TGI Fridays for the song and the cake. Friday Fridays is not just for you. Is it? Is it not? You can have slogging letters but TJ Fridays is the gayest. They wear fucking braces. Would you give

over? It's quite gay. They collect badges. Come on. Yeah. That's the great you for coming on Benny's. Yeah, you can have Frankie and Benny's. Any of those ones that are like in an airport that are quite shit and sad. Yeah, you can have your arm. You can have chara. You can have chihuahua.

Yes. We get chiquitos. Should we just say thank you so much to Maisie? It's crazy. It's crazy Adam, everybody. That was crazy. It was so close. It was too close. If you're a Hogs fan, where do they follow you?

Where do they follow you? Instagram, you're who? Maisie Adam. And Twitter, yours? Maisie Adam. TikTok. Hot Tottie on your ass. Yeah.

I'm not on TikTok. Me neither. No, no. We should start one together. We'll call it. Helen and Maisies. Okay. maybe not.

Amazing Adam, everybody. Anything that people can come see you at? Are you doing Edinburgh? Are you doing a show? Are you doing work-on-progress shows? I've got one tour-deaf flight. Oh my God, I've floated. Can you sell toast?

One tour date left. One tour date left. There you go. You got there, and it's a good job because it sounds like you're all tuckered out. And we'll get you back another time. And then I'm going to Australia and getting married. I'm not writing any new stuff at ages.

You're doing Melbourne, aren't you? Yeah. That's nice, though, because the wedding is sort of right. Not because it'll be wrongly in Hurtville. Do you like hear yourself sometimes? Me and Catherine are like, if we're talking about work or like comedy, it's grand. The moment it gets into personal lives. I know.

I just make it see what I mean by that. You should hear her with me. It's like this really toxicante. He's like, Helen, are you dating? You're dating. You're dating. No, you can't. No, I'm not dating.

I'm not dating. How much does it say that I would rather talk to Helen Bauer about my personal life than you? What that's a kind? All I was saying was that I hate everything. You shouldn't write new material. I'm going for a sick, bye. A wedding would be nice to write about.

That'll have comedy in it. May I see I have everything. Listen to your child. Yeah, no, sorry. Helen's. Women shouldn't work together. Oh, Catherine, we've got to say, oh, thank you. We are so fucking constantly in awe and grateful

of our amazing executive producers and producers. And to all of you that sign them on Patreon. But as always, we just want to give them. a shout out to the amazing producer team. We'll start with the execs. Okay. Here we go. Exx sounds like sex.

Coincidence? It is a coincidence. We're not. No, no, no, no. But thank you to Guy Goodman, Simon Moors, Mary Fox, Annie Tonner, Sarah Harkie Deakin, and Oliver Jago. To our incredible producers, you guys are, we've got some new ones. Like, welcome to the sty. Like, welcome, welcome.

Roll around. But as always, the inevitably amazing crew of, you guys. of Richard Bicknell, L, Richard Bold, Neil Redman, Victoria Hutchison, Emma Walton, Karen and David Bull, Harold Van Dyke, Tim and Dom, David Walker, Rachel R. Anthony Conway, Sadie Cashmore, Claire Owen Jones, Jess and Nick, Zoe, Sarah and Molly Fink, Ria think. We've done this one before. Cordelia, Rachel Page, Helen A, Tina Lindsay, Graham Marsh, Emily G, Amy O'Reardon, Abby Wharf, Key Webb, Matt Sims, Luke Bright and Leah. So many new. Guys, thank you so much. And if you're not already on Patreon, you get an extra episode. Sign up, because I just spent $4.50. And we have a lot of secrets on there. A lot of secrets.

I still have to message Andrew now and again being like, so give me the list of names of people who sign up for patrons just in case. And I just be like, I know it's for patrons, but could we possibly like take out a name or two. Yeah, you're like because of the patrons, it really gets a bit too loose. Yeah, it does. Hey, guys. so much. We honestly, honestly couldn't make the podcast without you. So thank you. Thank you so much. Bye.