Trusty Hogs - Ep78. TOUSSAINT DOUGLASS / Nans, Nose Hair & Naked Mole Rats

Episode Date: March 30, 2023

A guest who has come truly prepared, with wonderful anecdotes, inimitable style and even props, we're delighted to host rising star Toussaint Douglass! Toussaint has certainly made a splash in the comedy world so far and it's easy to see why, plus Helen catches Catherine up on the Zoo fun she missed...FOLLOW TOUSSAINT: @Toussaint_GramThank you so much for listening!Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Simon Moores / Guy Goodman / Mary Fox / Annie Tonner / Sarah Jarque-Deakin / Oliver JagoPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Karen & David Bull / Harald van Dijk / Eddie Doyle / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Jo Holmes / Sarah & Molly / Alex Pugh / Josie W / Amy / Cordelia / Raia Fink / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Sophie Chivers / Graham Marsh / Emily Gee / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Kie Web / Matt Sims / Luke Bright / Leah / Kate SpencerWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Welcome to episode 78 of Rusty Hoggs with me, Helen Bauer, the sexy one. And me, Catherine Bohar is the tired one. Ha ha! ha! We're going to be chatting about things we do, such as what we were just discussing there about, weying in the middle of the night. And then we're going to talk to our amazing guest. Very funny comedian. Very funny. Very nice.

I'm Helen. We're going to solve some of your problems as well. Anyway, Trusty Hodge, let's go! Through the fog Step forth The trusty hogs Yeah You're gonna give them your problems

And they will solve them Or maybe they won't And that's your problem They'll have guests And Andrew White on the tech Oh It's Helen and Catherine As the trusty hogs

Trust the trusty hogs Or maybe not confirm we should be brushing our teeth morning and night that's what you got from that right yes no I know that I do brush my teeth morning and night okay and then also just to circle back yeah um why are you running back to your bed when you're we've gone for a way this thing my housemate just admitted to me that he can hear me doing it so like you know when you wake up at like 4 a m and you need a wee-wee so you get up and you go to the bathroom you like walk in the dark down to the toilet and then you turn the light on it's up to the toilet you do your business you do your business see I don't do that because

I'm so tired and groggy. And then I come out the bathroom and there's no light all the way back to my room. I immediately get spooked that something's going to try and chase me. So I know I should, but I don't. And I get so spooked. And because of like watching Barbarian recently, I think there's a seven-foot naked woman with her tits swinging around chasing me. Or I think it's the woman in black and if I see her,

my firstborn will die. And it's such a level of paranoia. Basically what Soneil hears every night at like 4 a.m. is me going, do do do do sh shh hand wash hand wash back out

and I'm running up to my room because I'm scared something's chasing me because I'm so tired and groggy when I wake up I just want to go to the toilet because like I'm trying to not I don't know why I'm discouraging you from getting in the time no but you know when you wake up in the night

and you need the toilet but sometimes you used to be able to just fall asleep even needing it and it would like reabsorbing to your body doubles up as like a workout and a I know, but this is so horrible to have that fright. Yeah, the sprinting sounds horrific every time. Also, it's, you know when you do that and then you're like, so you're vaguely awake, so obviously, like, you go back to your room and you always look at your phone because you're curious to know what time it is. So you look at your phone and then immediately you're sucked in to the interweb and the next thing you know, you've watched like 20 clips on YouTube and like, I'm watching weird ones again. I've gone back into a bad YouTube hole.

I can't with you, please, let's not. I've gone back into, um, we're in, we're climbing down the hell. Does anyone else follow the Dugger family? I guess we're going down. The Dugger family in America, 19 kids and counting. Obsessed! Okay, so there's...

Wait, aren't they a really old phenomenon? This has been going on for years. Yeah, but no, it's got really good recently. Well, not really good, but it's got good. Okay, so more of the kids have got married. They don't have a series anymore because the oldest one is in prison. What do they do?

He assaulted a young. women including his sisters so they're this in crazy crazy Christian family and one of them one of the no way for the happy ending here one of the girls left one of the girls is left why a why do you bring this up on the podcast I'm just really happy for Ginger B may I say yeah why on earth would you watch that at 4 a.m. I don't know what I really enjoy watching shows about big families I'm just fascinated about how they work I think it started with the von traps and it's just continued from there They are not the same.

They're not the same. We don't know what happened to Friedrich when he got big. They are not the same. Also, can I say, I do kind of understand what you're saying. Not about the wee thing. Mine is, by the way, when I wake up before I am, I am, why am I so stubborn? I'll be like, I need to wee, but I don't want to. So go back to sleep.

Just go back to sleep. Well, you've got like five stairs to go to a toilet at yours. I've only got two. But it's a joke, right? Because I'm like, I'll just go back to sleep. It doesn't work. It's like irritating, irritating, irritating. I'm like, no, no, no.

I can do this, just go to see when you don't have to go. Hold out there. Just don't go to, you can just go to, go back to see. An hour and a half later, I will finally concede that I need to go to the toilet. Go, we, come back, immediately fall back to sleep. And it's like, why did you just do that? But I get so clear. And yours is so easy because you don't even have to put clothes on.

I have to dress myself to go to the bathroom. That's crazy. Don't you have a dressing again? Oh, I had to throw it away. Why? It got to the level where, like, a wash was not enough. Helen, what did you do to this? No, it'd been loved too hard for too long.

You wanked on your dressing gown. I've wanked in my dressing gown. I wouldn't say on it. But everyone's wanked inside of their dressing gown. No. But like it just, you know when like something's got to the point where it's like even with a wash, you've had, you've seen better days. I hate you. And at one point I got some like super glue in the sleeve of it.

Was it super glue? Yeah. Well, something can be sticky. But it was super glue this time. And I couldn't get it out. So I had to cut it out. So then it was like, oh, honey. It was, you know what?

I am in the market for a new dressing gown. Do you want one for your birthday? I feel like it's spring, so like I don't want one until next year. A nice soft kimonoy one, like a light, like silky sort of one, not like a heavy one. What do you mean? Like it could be like a lineny one rather than a... Oh, yes, please. Yes, please.

Okay, great. Can I have like a dark navy one with like moons and stars and a sun on it? Okay. Sorry. Personalised. No, it's sorry, you've ruined it. Personalised and I want it to say... What size?

22. Okay. You get that that's going to limit the options. No, what, actually can have a size of 24. Yeah. Just it's like if it's got like a bit of bagginess to it. Because fashion is shit that will limit it, but I'll do my best. No, we just get it made.

Just go to a tailor and get it made. Oh, right, yeah, yeah. My support and small businesses we've discussed before. And I'll have Helen written across. Look, you're not buying me a lot of stuff at the moment. We went to the zoo together. You refused to buy me anything. It's my birthday.

You didn't want to buy me anything. Like, this is all been a disaster. Where the fuck is it? Whoa. I'm so sorry. This is your first time listing to trusty hogs. Please go back and find another episode. Today is not a good day for you to join us here.

Do you want to talk about what happened at the zoo or not? Not really, but I feel like we're going to. Hi to our patrons, by the way, who have already seen our zoo vlog. Thank you so much. So here's the thing. Helen's sister's hamster called pancake died. RIP. That's an eternal piece.

Yay, a little bit of symmetry. That was cute. And so a beautiful listener called Matt, a very nice listener called Matt. Hi, Matt. Who had quite a nice face, we all agree. Lovely man. Gave us free tickets to the zoo where he works as a conservation.

Thank you so much. Thank you so much, Matt. And so you, M. Andrew and I, sorry. You, Andrew, myself. And... Yeah, that was embarrassing. Bitstick.

Bidtick. Went to the zoo with Marianne. Yes. Now, you made some decisions for yourself that I don't think you should have. Can we say this? I was there at opening, park opening.

Why did you do that? Because Marianne, like, to get a full zoo day out of it and I genuinely thought I can do it. I hadn't done a full zoo day in a while and it is tricky on the feet I'll say that.

We was there for two and a half hours and my step count was 20,000 steps. Yeah, minimum. Minimum, yeah, yeah. I couldn't believe it. Because you're gonna like circle back. I find what I find tricky and fun about the zoo

is all the different like temperatures you're going in and out of. So like you arrive there and it's like a nice chill outside it was a really nice day we went on. We got really lucky with the weather. Yeah like sunny but not like hot Just like mild

And then but you'd go in like to the rainforest house I'm gonna fucking melt I'm actually gonna melt Like we went down to the night time But let's just talk about you lasted two and a half hours How could you possibly have expected more of me Marianne expected more of you I expected more of you

I think Andrew and M were trying to appease you By leaving early but I knew they wanted to stay longer Right guys? Do not nod to that I think that's so unfair So before we went in, I looked at M and said, sorry, Helen, I met M outside.

Yeah. And we agreed a hardout. And she's now lying and saying... But anyone... Sorry, just for the list there. Em just went, Catherine. And saying that it was all me. And then I thought...

Are you genuinely being serious? And then as soon as you walked ahead with Marianne, Andrew turned to us and said, how long do you want to stay? And we said hard out at this time. And he said, oh God, yeah. Andrew Mark White. And then, and then

it comes to the hard out and I'm like, well, we got to go. And these two are like, oh gosh, you let me and my sister list all the animals who wanted to go to gleefully whilst you knew you weren't going to see them. They let your sister abuse me.

Like I was some cunt for wanting to leave when they absolutely, you noticed they both left. They weren't so desperate to say that they stayed. Oh my. You let us run ragged excited. going to show you everything and you knew you were going Em, you didn't have to

Well, no, on that, actually, no, here's the thing To rewind, Helen, the problem is not leaving The problem is that they are traitors. Two and a half hours is plenty of time to give you And we, I'm going to say to... To give me, like, uh... Yes, to give you. You think we were there for fun?

Yes, it was the zoo. And quite frankly, a lot of you came with a bad attitude. I came with a fine. And M, I'm going to be honest, I'm fucking surprised, okay? Because you seem genuinely happy to be there and like you were going to have a nice time.

And I'm honestly devastated to hear about this fucking coup d'etat outside of the gates of London Zoo. Hey, because you're never knowing coup d'etat. I am fucking disgusted. Andrew, yeah, I get it. You're a busy guy. I would have expected more. But you don't think M is busy?

I think M would sack off most stuff to see animals. I really think you would. May I say? How was this shame on Helen for miss speaking? What I was trying to say is, first of all, you didn't need to commit. Didn't buy me a gift, any of you. To quite frankly, you arrived and you all started eating my cake, which was disgusting, to be fair. Like, it was my cake.

It was my cake. You went, can I have some cake? No, I said, is it nice? And you said, do you want some? I don't remember. No memory. That is exactly how it happened. I didn't remember how that happened.

I don't remember how that's happened. And also, Helen, I say, you didn't have to agree to spend the whole day there with your sister. It's very sweet that you did. And secondly, we all, believe it or not, work during the day. So do I. When? I sent a tweet when I was at the day. Did you?

Yeah, about you. And you consider that to be a job, is this? Tweet. Tweeting. Tweeting my comedy. Tweeting my comedy. Tick, tick, tick, tick. And I had a gig in the evening so I had to rest during the day.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah, it was not rest. You miss giraffey. You miss Slothy. You miss Naked Mulratti. We had a bit of a bad time in the night time section. Unfortunately, a lot of the animals were very. very well hidden.

And what followed was 20 minutes of Marianne saying she could see an eye-eye when it definitely was a reflection of a bold man in the glass. Oh, no. Which was incredibly intense for me to be like, nope, there's not an animal there. And it was a bold man going like this. And his head reflected back in the glass. And I was like, not an animal. And she went, yes, look, picture.

And I was like, no. Oh, my God. It was actually very funny. That's hell. That's hell. That is hell. But you missed the best rooms. We saw the other radiated tortoises,

the smoothside sisters from another city. I can't believe that. It was... That we meant a turtle you're claiming to be a cousin of another turtle that we haven't seen. Well, should we talk... Can you guys believe it? What a tragedy.

Can I just say this? Can I just say something after? Yeah, after. 100%. Oh my God, 100%. Thank you, so much. Okay. Thank you so much. Okay.

So basically, you did rush us. The Bower girls did feel rush or as you decided to call us, the Bower bitches. Do you mean because I was walking at a normal pace. Poor little Helen and Marianne. At one point my sister pretended to cry. At one time Marianne tried to pretend to cry.

You both did not a tear between you. And you yelled at her and then me. I shouldn't yell at anyone. Because we were just wanting to spend longer with the candy rules. Neither of you have a tear. You both have two, you have four dry eyes between me. Then you took us to the gift shop because you wanted to leave and it's by the exit and I wanted a fridge, Maggie. You did. And I knew you weren't going to buy it for me. So I gave it to Marian to ask you for it because I thought Catherine loves people liking her, but she's given up with me. But if Marianne asked for a gift, so like, no, but you've given up trying to get me to like you, like the likes her. So you don't have to put the effort in with me. Whereas

Marian, you'd buy stuff for her to try and get her on your side. I'm actually going to lock this marriage. I still romance you. Honestly, after finding out about this meeting before the zoo, I'm allowed to be pissed off. And quite frankly, I'm going to sit with it for about a couple of weeks. Okay. So good luck for the next couple of weeks of the podcast, because it's not going to be very pleasant. Okay. And I gave, I gave the cutest little Fridge Maggie ever to Marianne to try and

get Catherine to buy her and Marianne went straight in with a classic power girl move of you're my best friend. She did say that. Which is such a strong choice. Except for the fact that she, well, it's a strong choice given how mean and obviously, like clearly. Unfussed about you she was. Yeah, she was. Yeah. Really never met a person who's so resistant to my charm. Like, the woman did

not want to be friends. Honestly, could not take Because Catherine was like on her time mission the entire time we were there. Catherine arrived and needed to get some lunch and we'd already started lunch. So that was upsetting for both of us. And then also Catherine was like, do you want to hug Marianne? She was like, no, which I stand by being one of the best members in my life. It was incredible. At the end, after we'd been there for two and a half hours and left being told that

was basically a waste of time that we hadn't put in any effort at all. You hadn't. even though we'd take the time on every day I then said do you want to hug Marianne and she did just like no

like truly disgusted of the prospect like just like truly appalled never been more impressed by her and you seemed super proud of your sister in that moment yeah because you didn't buy the fridge magnet for her

you basically Ellen can I ask and I don't ask this often you know how I buy you insufficient numbers of gifts when I buy you fridge magnets when I bring you birthday gifts

when I buy you Christmas gifts when I go No memory. No memory. What do you get me? Happiness. Just because it seems, well, like, stuff-wise. Friendship.

But, like, in terms of things I could bring home, what do you buy me? Oh, like something from every trip. What do you buy that I like? Key Ring was the last one. What do you buy that I like? You love all my Christmas gifts. I got your lovely framed photo, those beautiful earrings one year. Oh, the picture of you, yes.

Yeah. I got you. And also just nice to have someone to talk to, isn't it? You think what I do is talk to you. And I haven't done a poo at your house in years. Oh my God, thank you. I am glad you've done. Which is the ultimate gift.

That's the real gift. You have something like. I don't know. I just feel like there's some people who are give us and one person's a receiver and I'm the receiver in the friendship. Uh-huh. It does feel like, A, that's unfair. And B, like, for a while there, for a while there,

you were, no, we're not breaking up. But do you remember for a while? there that there was a period where I felt like you waited to get to my house to shit. Yes. It was really unbelievable. I think it's because it was sort of like lockdown was ending and I got so bored of shitting on the same

toilet. It was just nice to have some diversity of the anus. Hello. You had a drink at the break? No. Are you just full? You get weird when you're full. I had a big lunch and it's gone weird. You had a big lunch. Should we talk about what you had for lunch? I had two lunches. But also I stepped outside for

second and you just ordered your second lunch and I'm like I'll be back in and then I come back and that was gone it was a small second lunch I would say it was more of a side in your defence thank you okay yeah and I'm not listen eat whatever you like but then you stood up and were like God don't I'm sleepy and you get so weird when you're this full no one no one stopped me from having two lunches and now I'm too sleepy to do anything no I guess that is our fault yeah poor Helen

I'm also very full it's okay maybe our gas can bring me energy I just had a light salad Shut the hook up, Andrew. Andrew, you just have a light salad. You did a chucky bar as well? Also, wasn't your salad a pasta salad from a supermarket? He followed it with a cheese twist. Oh yeah, Andrew, really good choices there.

Whereas all I had was a chicken kebab, a side of cucumber, garlic salad and also two empignadas with ham and cheese. Are they called empignadas? Empanadas. I thought they were empanadas. Oh, that's a good question. That's how a look. As if any of them.

us know. I do speak Spanish. Oh yeah, actually I introduced Spanish. But I don't know if it's got an accent on it. Empanadas.

No, Catherine is right is empanado. There's no accent. Why does that the real music? Could you just say it again? Motos grassy. Catherine is right.

It actually gives me goosebumps. Why does it? Like, feel my legs? I've got goosebumps. Say it again, Andrew? Catherine is right. Not true. Oh, why?

You're a dick. It did that thing why I didn't shave again for like three months. It's so fun. Let's see how long your hair is. Oh, no, I shaved it after like a week. But, look, feel it?

But that looks shaven. Yeah, yeah, because I shaved it like a week ago. I don't want to feel it. But it's just so... Have you ever just, like, grown your hair out just to see? And it's so annoying, because it doesn't just keep going. Like, it does stop at a certain point. Because you remember that time when you're like,

oh my God, if I keep growing them out, our French braid? I've never felt that. But, like, if you could, wouldn't you? Like, all the way down, just, like, cornrow. of the shin, like how fucking gorgeous would that be? I think that might be a weirdly, is that still appropriation if it's on your shin? It doesn't feel, right. Do you see the puby one?

No, I hate them. So funny. I've seen them before and I don't like... I know, but I really do want to like have a medical study about what's a pub and what's not. Most of the women in my life don't shave their legs though. Yeah. It's not a popular choice anymore, the shaving. No, I shave mine, but...

I shave, but like, more just like, if I'm wearing a certain thing, I'll shave. And also, because sometimes I just like to feel like a see- It's not a popular choice anymore. Most women do remove their hair. Not around us though. Not in our like... You don't mean like in our bubble? I think I'm about to be like

I think we might live in a tiny queer bubble. But I think we do like most of my friends like don't shave their armpits. Like I'm in the minority. And it's like oh this is a really cool movement. It's a nice way to feel. It is. Yeah because then I guess we're like the princesses.

But I think it's because hair removal was like it was our generation's thing. Like we're the ones that took it so like I mean like people have been shaving their legs since the 20s when they tried to sell more raisers. to women. That's why they invented shaving legs in the 20s by Bick. You're welcome. A bit of history there. But then

our generation took it even further to the point when we started having to remove facial hair. All of our eyebrows had to go. One girl at my school pulled out all of her eyelashes. I do now. I pluck and shave. You're plucking your facial hair. Why is everyone so shocked by that?

I always think you can pluck your hairs a little bit. You're shaving your facial hair? I know because I used to do it when I was younger because I thought it was fun to pretend to be like a shaver of the face. I know it's awful it's ruined me for life actually so definitely did not shave your face Helen they all know that why they're stop it stop it stop it stop me it's so funny because they grow back like these really short little stubby black hair sometimes just on my upper lip Helen you have you have to stop that no I know I know it's really hard though

Viet it smells so bad you get a lip wax yes but the thing is they grow back in such different lengths like only a couple will get hit each time wait for one time I know but then I have to wait like a month. Yeah, so bleach it in the meantime and just get on with it, wait and wax it. Okay, can we just quickly talk about upper lip bleaching for a second? Yeah. We can all see. I know.

I'm so glad you said that I was like, where are she going with this? This whole bleaching thing is mad. I feel like it's women being too supportive of the women being like, you know what? Now it's white blonde. We can't see it. We can all see it. If you want to remove your facial hair, remove it. But I don't think many of you are going for the look you've ended up with.

I used to work with a girl that always bleach. And we'd normally be like, oh, and she'd be like, yeah, it's like you can't even tell. And it's just so much better for you than waxing it. And we were like, okay. It is ridiculous. Unless you want the white tash look, in which case, go for it, thrive and own it. But when they're like, girls, I found a secret.

And it's like, I don't think it has. It's like that girl, do you remember when, like, it was like, don't wear bras, don't wear bras, just let your tip swing. There's so many steps away from feminism. I can't even see. it's like you don't have to remove your hair no but do you remember the first wave of

natural deodorants that first wave of natural deodorant where you can only buy the crystal and holland and barra and we were all like it's amazing because it's good for the environment

and I can't smell a thing and the rest of us had to be like you're right it's incredible but they fucking reeked I went through the buy-onsent phase I totally get it but I knew I smell because I could smell

I'm not on myself. We're so many steps away from feminism. Can I just take us back for a minute? No, you're right. I should bleach it for a month. No, my point is that you should stop shaving. Yeah. Not for your moustache.

My please is not that if you want to remove it, that that's a problem, or if you don't want to remove that's problem. Both are fine. But if you're going to do it... I've got another question about beauty, actually. Okay. Okay. I don't really feel like an expert except in the context of you

where I'm like, well, I know not to shave my lip. The genuine question, genuine question. nose hairs. Yeah. What are we doing? Trim, if you need to. Okay, so you got with nail scissors and just try not to fall. No, this one, no, Andrew, Andrew, I know that was very visceral.

I'm, only because I had one the other day. I've never noticed them before. And it's because it, like, curled out and it was, like, holding onto the side of my nose. So I just popped it. I just popped it back in. I'm not, I'm not, but this is what I'm trying to figure out. What does you sneeze? And then.

There we go, exactly. So I want to know what are we doing? And you said trim. So what's the trim? Well, I don't... You get a nose trimmer. I think that's the only way to... So is that like a thing that you...

Because I don't want to do it just for like one hair that's coming out. Is that like... We're going to have a lot of nose hair. So is it... Okay, I know, look, do you want to say? No, no. No, I said no. I said no. I said no. I said no. I said no. I said no. Okay. Andrew?

Nobody wants to see it. No one wants to see that. Okay. Oh, Francis or Gwyneth will look. Yeah. That's for the best. So, but like... So you buy a trimmer and you just put it up there and it swells around. And is it one of those things in beauty where, like, once you've done it once, you have to do it more and more and more. You know, like, like, removing, like, plucking your eyebrows or shaving your legs, like, once you done it once, you're done it once, like, the frequency with which you'd have to do it if you want to have that same look and creases?

Because I don't want to, like, buy a nose hair trimmer, do it once, go to Australia for a month and come back with, like, a plat. Coming out. I don't think you're going to end up with a platt. Because we've all seen, like... And also, you could pack your nose. trimmer okay that's a really good point okay next question um ears you have to clean them yeah no i do clean them at what point the hairs grow out of them and you just wait for your friends to tell you i think that's mainly men okay very old age okay and hopefully if you don't have a partner i'll tell

you okay amazing thank you so much that's everything i had andrew do you do anything for nose hair beauty cosmo questions we're just like the other girls well no one talks about it like i'm still yet to hear someone respond or talk to me about how the pubs get a little bit crispy around the piss area but no one's willing to discuss it yet that's a very very logical put some put some things together there I know I know but I would like someone else to be fucking discussing it otherwise it's just me out there going like doesn't it get a bit and everyone's like and I'm like well I know it's like fucking wanking when I was 17 they've always like what you're talking about and I say I know you do it I've seen you on that corner um I don't

have anything to add to the nose trimming discussion although actually I did get a razor and that had like seven attachments, including a nose trimmer one. Yes. Because obviously male beauty is just like five in one, shampoo, hair conditioner, toilet bleach, all in one. So good. I'm not well versed on this. But I would say that maybe we could talk to our fantastic guest about it. That's a really good suggestion, actually.

The man's a genius. Let's go through hairs with Tucson. It's a horrible intro. Let's do. Please. Welcome to the podcast. Tucson Douglas. Hello, thank you so much for listening to Trusty Hearts.

Thank you so much. We just wanted to jump in really quickly and give our patron a little plug because it is thriving over there. Yeah, thanks so much to everyone who's joined. And if you want to join us, there's no pressure. Please enjoy the podcast otherwise. But if you do want to join us, there's so many benefits. You get an early access to the episode.

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And hey, thanks to everyone who has already. And just a reminder, if you sign up now, there are over 70 extra episodes that you can access immediately. How many? Over 70, Catherine. It's unbelievable.

But for now, please continue enjoying Trustee Hogg. Bye. How the hell are you? I'm good, yeah. Are we started? We're starting. Okay, I'm good.

Thanks for having me. Thank you so much for doing this. You know how I booked Tucson? It was really good. We were at a gig and I realized I hadn't booked anyone and I was like, Tucson, please say you're free on this day. Yeah, I felt very wanted. Pressurized.

It definitely wasn't a desperation booking. Catherine has asked me to do some work. What's the shortest possible way of me getting this work done? Just turn to me. Are you free? I was like, well, I can't say no, can I? Not when you're this close to my face. Are you free?

And I was like, I've really dropped the ball here a million times and not book someone and then panic books a tarot card reader last minute. So you're going to have to step up. And then I thought maybe I've got away with this. I haven't heard anything from like just silence. And then like literally midnight that I was like just DM'd me. Hey you up. She was literally a hey you up.

And I was like, is Helen Booty calling me? What is going? That's literally what happened. This was the only dear I've ever got. I was almost kind of excited and so I was Helen Bowers. I was like,

oh, fuck it now. Hello. No one ever wants the message from Helen Bauer past midday. I'm going to get absolutely fucked. Better get the oil out.

I'm outside of your flight is your girlfriend dead. Because we live quite close. We're both South babies. Yeah, we are. But you live with your nun. You don't want Helen Joan about such a nut.

That'd be a lot of explaining to do it. Yeah, but I live with Sunil so it's very similar. Do you know what I mean? He has got a bit of a, yeah. Is your nan looking to date? Is my nan looking to date? Well, she's 85.

It's more like if Sunil's looking for an 85-year-old life partner. Open-minded young man. I'd that be nice. Yeah. I think grandparents having partners is the best thing ever. My grandfather's girlfriend was fucking filth. I was obsessed with her. No, genuine.

They were into like some hard-down. Yeah, yeah. They were part of a nudist group together and they did S&M. Right. And took a lot of pictures on family cameras. Whoops, you dozes. So careful as you go if you're ever looking in your nans. careful as you go

I'm assuming this is the German side yes well done how did you get that oh because of the noodles it was a nudist yeah there was something there it was the free flowing nudity that kind of gave it away I'm trying to re-embrace

German culture because obviously haven't lived there for so long so holiday in Salzburg you've got to do it but then my sister was telling us all about there's a graveyard in Vienna with wild hamsters running around how incredible does that sound

I mean, it sounds... Vienna's not in Germany. No, but... Oh, come on, Austro-German Empire. Like, we're going back in the day. Oh, when you said re-embracing it, I didn't think you meant like... Not in that way. Not in that way.

Not as far as, like, trying to, like, see it more, right? And travel it. Not travel it that way. You know what? There's no good way of wanting to travel around Germany, is there? So what... Hang about, what did the wild hamsters eat? I imagine they sort of, like, eat the bodies.

They burrow down. Oh, wow. The grass. And then... That's the first thing you imagine they eat. That was a, you go straight to zombie hampers. Is that what everyone else assumed? I thought maybe the grass.

Well, what about those goats in the graveyard in Ireland? Have you heard about this? What? There's a graveyard in offly. I wish you wouldn't point down my face when you say in orange. It's like, it's always a random reference that you've gotten wrong. And it's just like. It was really like, have you heard about this?

You're the Irish. Do you know about your culture? Your goats and your graveyards? You love goats, don't you? I do love. Okay, how about this for a question? Two-sum. Okay.

Yeah. You die. Rest and peace. Sorry, sorry, sorry, it happened to you. You're buried in the ground. Yeah. What animal would you like to populate the graveyard? Ooh.

Okay, I thought you were going to say, what animal would you like to eat you? Me too. Well, yeah, and also slowly be eaten by over time. Yeah. I think an animal that would be like, it'd be quite funny to have just running around graveyard, be a penguin. Yeah. So good.

So good. You'd be like morning and then you just see this penguin running around. You go, oh, that's actually kind of. That's how you kind of have like, graveyard penguin. That's pretty. That's so good. I'll cheat you up a little bit. Who wouldn't come and visit that grave.

You lost a banana, but you saw a graveyard penguin. That's kind of cute. Like, an undertaker, like, gravitas with black and white. Like, they're dressed for it. They really are. Also, we went to the zoo the other day. So you've just come in and like a massive animal moment for us. And we learned a lot about penguins.

Did you know that there's a type of penguin called the fairy penguin that's only 30 centimetres tall? They're so cute. Were they in the London Zoo? No, I don't know if they exist anymore. No, the only kind they had of the London Zoo were sad. Humboldt. Right, yeah. No, sad.

They're called Humboldened. Humbolded, they'd been humbled. Ferry penguins do exist. How tall are they, Andrew? There were several penguins. 30 to 35 centimetres. Oh, so tiny. They were only at all.

Oh, dear. There were so many penguins just staring at the wall. I didn't like it. Oh, really? They're depressed. But at the graveyard, maybe they get a newly so like. Can I suggest something for the graveyard? So if you want to do a penguin?

The graveyard is, just to be clear, this whole graveyard thing is all, is 100% coming from you. I'm just, I'm going along with it because I actually can't leave. Can I, you actually, that's, I feel really pinned in. I don't think people understand how small this studio is.

It's so close, I feel like I'm in a fucking coffin right now. And you two are just talking to me while I'm in a coffin. I'm fucking sit in for penguins and my death and my penguins. And I'm like, am I dead? Am I dying? Is this a fucking death experience? Tucson came in and was like, oh, it's claustropho. And I went to what you?

she mean he was like smaller than it locks and I was like huh let's bolt the door no but truly dude there's two doors close the second you've had half two door no you're right we make the podcast in a shipping container at the top of a comedy can't stop panicking because you look panic right now just relax have you papament tea have you papament tea I feel like I need to oh no paddy thank you I've there's some because I told my therapist I was actually going to come on this podcast and I explained some concerns I had yeah well you might want to read the notepad first. Oh!

And she thought I should write out some few things just to make you aware of before. And I feel like I needed to really say it beforehand, but you just went straight in with the death penguins. What does it say? This is the worst thing I've ever read in my life. Can I see it? Oh. Can I see it? Yeah, you can

see it. Just so you know, I've been having a pretty rough episode. Yeah. Yep. Yep. Okay. There we go. I want to read it so everyone can... There we go. Catherine. Don't... Wow. Oh, these are things you don't like.

Too much eye contact makes me uncomfortable. There's been quite a lot already. Especially from Helen. A lot from Helen. She's quite intense. You are a bit intense. So sometimes during the podcast, I might need to cover my eyes with special eyewear. But I really wanted to pull it out straight from the go, but I couldn't because of the...

But I'm definitely not having a nap. I won't be having a nap. Even if it looks like my head's nodding. I'm honestly, I'm not having a nap. I feel like I have to reimburse you for your therapy session. I have a horrible feeling you might have just spent 50 to 60 minutes being like, what do I do with Helen Bauer? Hellen is a lot of time, to be honest.

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code audio for 20% off your first purchase. That's B-O-M-B-A-S.com and use code audio at checkout. Oh, oh God. Do you have chocolate? Lint, extra creamy fine milk chocolate? It helps with my anxiety. We did just have that.

We got some 70%. We got 70%. It's all right. Most people I've got my own chocolate. No, wait, it's a mental health thing, guys. Please be respectful. Yeah, it's, it's a lot. Some people have comfort animals. For Helen, too.

For Helen, too. I'll take some, because it's my birthday. Thank you. Could you stop looking at him, please? This time we got into this mess. Three, if things look like they are getting a bit heated, I might spray the room with lavender to create a calming environment. No way.

Well, where was that when we were talking about penguins? Well, I wanted to get it out, but... I hadn't even discussed the mega penguin, yeah. It gets a bit too violent. Well, keep it on the table. Violent! Keep it on the table. I won't pepper spray, I'll just spray it with love.

Yeah, I think keep it on the table because you are probably going to need that to be honest with me. Believe it or not. Wow. Wow. Didn't hear a little bit of comedy inside knowledge? Yeah, yeah, good one. Did someone play the Nottingham Glee recently

and stay in the hotel that they give you as part of it that Hansy's out for free on your bed? Yeah, my mind. Every time I see a comedian. It was so good. With the white comedy. company relaxing sleeps protest the bottle. I'm like, someone's just on the glee weekend

and Nottingham. Oh, bad. Did you find a car? The best thing about it, to be honest. Buy a country mile. Made the whole thing worthwhile. I took my ones as well. They're so good.

It really means, honestly, may I say we've missed over the, like kind of smoothed over the most interesting thing about it, which is that you told her your therapist about this, but I guess makes us kind of important. Yeah, yeah. Can I Catherine come up?

I was in denial about that but we're important Did Catherine come up? Catherine's segment was really small She just like seemed really nice

Have you spent a lot of time with Helen? Is that what's happening here? I mean Because obviously if you've worked with her before You're not looking at you So you're saying what you want

It makes sense to be stressed We've got together We've got together quite a few times Yeah I'm sorry to hear it She's just She's quite She's a big energy Big energy

That's yeah It's a lot Interesting interesting. It's always nice to be psychologically profiled. And also really something to think about when we asked on guests if they have to do a therapy session before they come on to prepare themselves to come on

a fun chat podcast. All I'm saying is, I never had to talk to my therapist about Jess Forteskees. Eating podcasts. Yeah, Hovering podcast is very nice. Probably didn't have to bring your own food to that either. No, I didn't. She bed you. Yeah, fair play.

Just a little tip. Listen, now, if you want to listen to Jess Foster Q's, hovering we'd understand it I don't think it's that violent to say you've died what animal do you want in your graveyard I'm sorry I could have asked you some very tricky questions I still want to ask you about nose hair but God forbid I ask now because apparently

I'm intense I'll have taken spray it spray it spray it I'm getting pissed off feeling violent feel better I love those things I just you know Holland and Barrett sell lavender for sleeping but they sell one that's for de-stress

and it's like Bergamon and I have it on my desk and I just spray myself with it when Snail pisses me off Bergamont Bergamont Bergamont yeah

but it's what I said Bergamott Can we just check that's just not just like Catherine There's no end Is there a burger in it? Here we go Is it burgomot

There's no N Speller out loud please Andrew I feel like I'm being attacked by two people now Bergamot Right well that didn't clear anything up Because that was a robot saying this

Burgumot There's no N It's Bergamot but an end in it a little bit. Don't hit me. You know what? I'm going to need a compliment circle right now. Oh, wow. Are you aware of compliment circles? No, no. We haven't come to that in therapy yet. I'm going to...

Well, how long have I went to therapy are you? Very new. A couple of months? Yeah. Did you just book when you got on this podcast? Yeah. I need an emergency therapy session. Hello?

I'm going to need to say somebody. This is when we find out it wasn't even therapy. You just called the Samaritans. I'm going on trusty hogs and I'm going to need a little bit of help to go through it. And they were like, we get this a lot. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. go again. A male guest is this

who you're going to have a tough time tough time but seriously you call 116, one to three I love women. I get on better with women than I do with guys. My girlfriend says actually she said you don't get on with guys. You struggle to... My point wasn't

that you were a sexist, my point was that we are misandrist. That was on us. We are what? Misandrist. Yeah. Come on. It's sexist but towards men. Just say sexist towards men. then.

I didn't even know that was a thing that you could do that. Misandry. Give me your best misandry. I think it's not like men will be like

have you seen us and then everyone's like those are the same you know? You know that stuff? You get it. You get it. Wait so you do get on

with women better? I think most men do like nice men. I just can't stand women. Yeah. Explain. Goodlings.

Whoa! He's back in the room. Don't be nervous. Um, no, it's just my, like my nan, my mum, then all my aunt's got loads of aunts, um, sister, cousin. So yeah, it's a very like matriarchal family. My brother was raised in quite a matriarchal environment. It's only him and my dad and then my sister, my mom and I.

And he gets on so well with women. And I just think that's, it usually is a good sign of a good man. He my brother as well. Did we break them? Do you feel broken at all? I don't have broken as opposed to socialising them. Oh, socialised. Or like, you know.

But also did you go to a mix? school or single sex? Um, it was mixed up until, so I went to school in America as well. So that was mixed and I came back and it was single sex. You went to high school? No, it was elementary. But I think that's it. You know, like there's a lot of guys in comedy that go to a like a single sex school,

like a private school like really, really young. They don't actually meet women until they're older. And by that time they're already like, if they're like straight, they've got that sort of like mindset of like, I've got to go with them, I've got to go with them. I've got to go with them. Single set schools are messed up. I just don't get. It's so.

It's such a weird concept to like, what, they're kids. Like, why do you need to separate them? And the idea that a five-year-old boy couldn't learn because there's a five-year-old girl walking around. No, completely, I was five to 17, I was in an old girl school. And it is absolutely, it's so warping. It's so bad. It's such a projection of, like, adults on to kids. Like, no kid is thinking, I'm not going to fuck around with a, you know, the kids or something.

It's a weird. That's a well-put way of saying it. It is absolutely a projection of, like, adult work. worries and presumptions put on to children. And also like it just actually makes you so fearful. Like I had never had a conversation with a man I wasn't related to. And you still haven't.

And indeed I intend not to. We're cousins by the way. You just find the same. I checked. Can you see here as a buffer to translate things like misdry? Wait, so come on, let's get into it. The real issue at hand. Noose hair. Thank you so much. Do you mind

us asking how old you are? Yeah. I'm in my 30s, mid 30s. Okay. Great. How are you? Oh my God, it's a relief. I never meet other comedians in their mid-30s.

No, yeah. I'm old. Every comedian's in their mid-30s. Apart from Andrew. I know, that's the thing. Yeah. Just good jeans. Literally,

all my aunts, they look like they're in their 30s and they're in their 60s. They're just vampires. It's actually scary. They don't have an age. Do they drink? Yeah.

Yeah, see, that'll do it. Like fishes. That's the thing. Women who drink a severe amount of alcohol, they pickle their inside so they don't age. I don't think that's... That is not science. think about it

it's like a natural kombucha or like a natural sort of kimchi thing you ferment yourself so you can't age and you never go off I don't think that's right but think about it what about COVID did you drink the bleach as well well you must you must

you must yeah it burns a little away the reason I need to know your age for this question is I think it becomes to be it begins to become relevant for men sooner than women that nose hair issue okay well I think I'm suffering so can I show you

I've got. No, no, no, he doesn't want to see. Nobody wants to see up your nose. He's not my eyes. It's my nose. I'm happy, yeah, as long as the eyes, nose is fine. So, I've never done anything on my nose hair, but basically I had one the other day that sort of, like, came out, and it's like, I popped it back in because it sort of like sat

itself here at the end of my nose. And I went, oh, no, then I was thinking, like, should I do something with it? So I'll show you what I've got going on. Do you want a safe word? It's, no, this is natural. Is that too much? Is it might be quite bogish? I can't see.

Any backs in the cave? Does it come out like when it's I don't know like When it feels like less thracable You have to like talk to you Can you not see them I can feel them Yeah

Would you do anything with that Or do you think that's fine I think that's fine Do you do anything with your nose hair So nose hair isn't something The thing that's I've noticed is ear hair So I've got

I had my first ear hair That's what I knew I was getting old And it was like this little chap And it was just growing out of my lobe No I named it as well You've fully removed it I can't see anything

Yeah I had to get rid of after while it was like it was properly yeah did you pluck inside yeah i just plucked it yeah i felt and i and i mourned a little bit because actually i felt like i'd i'd buckle to slightly expectations of what did you don't know you kept it as a memento okay i gave it good burial did it hurt when you twased it uh emotionally but not really not physically no yeah it was my girlfriend just said what's that i was like oh oh how i've got to get rid of my little friend. The classic, what's that when someone point to your face is one of the

worst feelings in the world. Because it can be anything from just like a bit of toothpaste which is absolutely fine to like an actual bogey that someone else found its way onto your cheek. And you've got to be like oh I was eating porridge that was seethrough and it's just such a tricky lie.

Why is it so detailed? There's also like what's that and it's like I obviously don't know what is because it wouldn't be there but like how would you? Let me think back to all the things that it could be and like trying like, it's such a dick question to ask. I'm like, what's that? What's that? What's that? That thing that

you can't see, but I can see it and it's just, ugh, what is it? It's that same feeling. You know, when you're on a school I don't know what it is. You know, when you're on a school trip and you're all the coach together and even if you haven't farted and someone goes, what's that smell? And if they're close to you, you're like, how do I

deny it without being the one that supplied it? Even if I didn't. It's a casual just Pretending Pretending something You can't even You do a little The hand over them

That's where it's a real disaster Being a ginger person Because like that Even if you're not guilty You go red And everyone assumes it's you It's like why I also Like it's so much harder

For a ginger comic to die Everyone can tell We know what we think we're dying Because I go red from like My chest to my forehead Oh my God It's such a weak position to be in You can't be like

Genuinely The best thing about being black It's in the top three You can't tell when I'm embarrassed. Honestly. My voice gives it away, but if I don't talk... I don't say you sound so panic, right? I know.

If I keep in sturm... No one can tell! He's so chill, I didn't, ma! I'm laughing. I'm laughing to look at your nose here. Oh, look. I'll have my sunglasses. Spray the spray.

I'll spray it for you, don't we? My dad's text me. What's your post? code. It's coming up to Helen's birthday and he usually forgets she has a birthday or indeed that he has a daughter so it's pretty excited that he asked for her address. I know. What do you think you're going to get?

A card that says Love Mike. Yeah, I think so too. With the happy birthday already written on it from the company. No. No. Not quite yet. It's not that kind of dud. I try calling him Daddy doesn't respond to it yet. Yeah. It's like he's still in fear.

The fact that he's got children running around still quite. This is how I thought about my relationship with my dad the other day your dad passed the missed outfire test like would your dad like if you would your dad like if he lost rights would he dress up as a woman

and posed to be your like no he can't do different accents different voices he wouldn't be able to do it wait a second it's passing the test if they would dress up yeah yeah my dad was going oh no see you later it's not worth it it's not worth it's not worth it's not worth it you got to buy a whole new wardrobe

yeah you've got to commit to a Commit to the role. Just to check in like with hindsight we all think that the behaviour of Robin Williams' character in that film was like

loving, problematic caring. Bad. Was caring. Yeah, he brought in that. He wanted to spend time with his kids.

But no one thought of that like the man should have pursued custody rights, right? Like shared. I know but that takes a while. It takes a long time. Yeah, it takes a long time. You don't know.

People have time with the babies. Legal fees. But we don't think it was like intensely triggering for his children to have another parent disappeared. They weren't complaining I don't think they fucking love Mrs. Delfire, if anything.

They're nice food. Yeah, well, they got to see him at the weekends very briefly. And then they have to make Mr. Doutfire, when she transpired to not be. Yeah, yeah, it's awful. Yeah, but there's always a loss, isn't there? The only good film. Yeah. Someone had two parents.

Also, I think that, there we go. Also, I'll say this. I think those kids are going to be, um, those kids are going to be bloody fine. I'll say that because that's a lovely house in San Francisco. Yeah. It is a gorgeous house. Yeah. It's so true.

I think the young girl who also played Matilda will be doing financially pretty well. I don't think she's got too much to worry about. Yeah, she's fine, I guess. And Pierce Brosnan was hot enough. I don't know if it was... Do you remember the amazing bit where the reveal is that he's allergic to pepper?

So she puts pepper on his food and he starts choking but needs the heimlich remover. And it's like, what sort of allergy makes you like physically choke on a chicken phone? You don't think about it too much and it really works.

I don't think about any of the film and it really works. I watched one of those like family fun kids' films I grew up watching the other day. I watched Daddy Daycare. Do you remember it? It's Eddie Murphy and no, no, no, that's Big Daddy. So it's Eddie Murphy and then the guy that

plays Jeff, what's his surname? Jeff from Curb Your Enthusiasm. Jeff, that guy. And they run a day. Jeff Garland. Jeff Carlin. Thank you very much. Love that Andrews, the fact checkers. Immediately in there. I'm sorry, can we just circle back? Because I assumed passing the

Mrs. Dayfire test would mean whether or not you could identify it with your dad. If you had a close enough relationship to be able to call it with your dad in the costume. Robin Williams is a character actor. It's a very good character actor. But most dads aren't. So I think it's like a case of do you know your dad well

and if you have a close enough relationship that you'd be like, well, it's obviously you, dad. Yeah, yeah. Michael's performances have always been pretty bad, so I reckon, like, I'd be able to tell. Would you recognise your dad quickly enough that you'd be like, I don't know, my... I think I would.

And Michael's not been... I've only seen him act twice when my mum forced him to be in a video for adoption services. when me and my sister had to go, you tuck me into bed at night. My dad, he always tucks me in. He just sat there reading a paper going, I'll kill myself. And he did not do a very good job.

Wow, a lot going on there. That was a lot to unpack. Hey, too much. He managed us so much with so few words. You just dropped in adopt yourself so casually. It was like, pretty intense. Do you have a nice time? Do you want to have your chocolate?

Do you want to spray your chocolate? I might need a pair of chocolates, for you honestly. Should we solve a list of problem? Yeah. Our guest has now really lent on his coping mechanisms three times. I think it's time for... Let's bring in somebody else's problem. How are you at giving advice, Tucson?

I'm terrible. Really? Not me. You seem like the kind of person who would be like too self-aware and too like calm to even presume that they should give advice. Like you seem like the kind of person who's just like, that's tough mate? I just feel unqualified. Oh, really?

Like, who am I to give, like, I'm eating milk chocolate to cope with the day-to-day? What was your job before you were a stand-up comic? This isn't day-to-day. You mustn't think of her as day-to-day. We're best friends. And what was your job before you did stand-up? I worked in marketing. Oh, interesting.

Like Chandler Bing? Yeah, quite a lot. It was quite a bit like. I didn't know why I did either. All right, then, let's hear it, Andrew. This is from Pee. Hi, P. Home is never far away.

Home is home new. Pea says. Is that something to do with marketing and friends and that episode where Phoebe's ex-singing partner sings that. Oh, I thought it was reference. That's niche, wow. Hi, P.

P says. I appreciate it. Thank you. Long time listener, first time writer, I'd love some of your sage advice, please. Sage. Wow, I'm pretty excited. One of my favorite colors of group.

I think someone who says sage doesn't need advice. Someone who's dropping in that word. It feels like they're pretty set. But let's hear the... Just say, I'd love your green advice. Hey, you can help the person. You're so hard on yourself. It's all right. You can do it.

Even that... I have to believe in myself. I have to believe in myself. Right, come on P. What's your bloody drama? I, 34F, recently found out that my... 34-year-old woman got it. Boyfriend, 35.

M. Okay. Just found out that my boyfriend, 35-year-old man, male... Of six years... had a short affair with an ex-girlfriend, brackets from his teen years, first love, et cetera. And as much as I want to talk about it with my friends, I know that if I do, it would cause even more damage to our relationship

if my friends start to treat us differently because they know he hurt me. Lasses are coming up for this one. This is quite intense. I'm contacting my hoaggy friends. Let's fucking talk about it. The cliff notes of the affair are that he cheated by sleeping with her twice and having a flirtation via message for about a month. I found out when she contacted me

and sent me screenshots of their conversation When I confronted him about it He broke down and was extremely upset And obviously very apologetic His remorse seems genuine And he has done nothing but try to comfort me And make sure I know it isn't because He's lacking anything from me

Or anything I've done He says it's happened because when he met with her And she hit on him He was overcome with an ego boosting validation Oh come on Helen, Helen, sorry. Due to her having been the one to cheat on him

when they dated all those years ago. So he liked the switch of power. He had, so I've reading this with a lot of judgment in my voice, sorry. You are, it's not a neutral recitation. Anyway, this bastard recently been trying to get her to leave him alone, but when he shut things down, that's when she contacted me

and hurt him by telling me every. thing. There's no good reason to cheat and I have no means, by no means, let him off the hook, but am I crazy if I give him another chance? Everything in me is saying we can get through this and he has learned his lesson, but having had my trust massively betrayed, how can I know for sure? And final question as a little bonus. How do I stop fixating on wanting to cause her pain for ruining my life? I know she bears the far smaller portion of blame in this situation, but she knew he was in a relationship and was very happy to be with the other woman, only reaching out to me when she knew he wasn't going to leave me for her.

The language he used was extremely hurtful and clearly targeted at trying to make sure we broke up. I know it isn't healthy to feel this way, but my mind keeps fixating. Many thanks. Helen, take a breath. Take several. Okay. Can I have a couple of clarification questions? When were they the guy and the person he cheated with?

When were they together? Originally, about 20 years previous. 20 years pre-to like there was school yeah to first love teenagers sort of stuff I think the thing that sticks out for me initially on that is that there was a whole month of communication between them which doesn't seem like like an impetuous spontaneous thing that's kind of like you've got a month to realize okay somebody using impetuous all right is that your first thought my first thought was not that no wait it just felt like it was quite yeah you have to consider it in a month

yeah quite considered yeah so your first observation is actually that it doesn't feel minor to you. Yeah, it feels quite serious, yeah. And also it was twice. They slept together twice. Miners, you found out through the goal. Was he ever going to tell you? Like, the fact that like he broke down

but like what was the plan? So easy to say I was going to tell you but like when and why hadn't you? And if the guilt was that much, wouldn't you just go immediately and say, oh my God. I've done something awful

and I hope you can quite a way to forgive me but the fact that someone... He obviously wasn't going to tell her because otherwise they must... It seems like him and the woman he had an affair with must have discussed that because she wouldn't have felt the need to tell the girlfriend except that she thought he wouldn't.

Yeah. So it seems very clear that he wasn't going to tell her, I think. Number one, it is your relationship and none of us know what it's like to be in your relationship and you think you can get through it then that is your call. but as your friends who you can't have a dialogue with right now we will just bitch about it for a little bit

just so you feel it validated and if you want to like play this out loud in the flat while he's at home and go, yes, that's exactly what I was thinking then please do so. Yeah, I guess. So he's a bit of a dick, no?

Like what the fuck's wrong with him? Go on, yeah. For me, the thing that stuck out, okay, so yours was that he wasn't going to tell. And she's not as fit as you. Yours was, no, no, stop it. Hers was like, he, it wasn't just like a one, time thing.

Yeah. You can do better, baby. For me, the thing that worries me, actually, the thing that stuck out most was the, I don't want to tell my friends. I think that says a lot. I, if you have something going on in your relationship where you're like, I wouldn't want to tell my friends this,

usually, in my experience, at least, it's a bad sign. It's like, A, I think it would make it real for you. Like maybe the reason you're able to cope with it right now is that you're able to kind of deny it severity because the people who love you aren't looking at you like that is wounding so you can make it smaller.

Two, you think that they would judge him which maybe he deserves and also makes you scared because then it makes it more serious. And three, I think that if you tell people then if it happens again, you feel like they'll be able to say like, well, we told you so,

but that means you're worrying about it happening again. And I think that not telling your friends those kinds of things is like it's a dangerous place to be because it leaves you feeling incredibly reliant on your partner, incredibly lonely in a problem and sometimes I think can leave you like capable of denial

when actually your best, like your good friends should be able to hear your partner made a mistake and if you choose to forgive them to also forgive them and respect your judgment. Oh Catherine that's really good we still haven't done it. If I was going through a breakup I'd want Helen at first for like the first hour. Thank you.

Give me 90 minutes. Give me that. Just a bitch about the guy. And then I'd go, thanks, Helen. And then I'd bought Catherine for, like, the next two weeks. Can I just, before we go back to Catherine and two says, like, really good advice? Can we just give, like, give a minute to this sweet angel just to be like, what the fuck is wrong with him? You're amazing.

Honestly, I've always said you're too good for him. Oh, my God. He does not appreciate you. And I've been saying this for fucking years. Also, can I say it? Can I say it? You're so much more funny than him. You just are.

You always have been. Like, whenever we're hanging out in a group, I just like, always want to hear from you. And sometimes he just talks. I'm like, shut the fuck up. Also, I always knew it. I always knew it of her. I remember them at school

and I could see her fucking eyes on him. And that's just the way that bitches are. And then just the last piece. You know, you could do better, but I totally understand if you want to say for like a charity thing or just to see if you can change him because it's really nice to test yourself. Okay, carry on.

And I never liked him anyway. I never liked him anyway. I always come in. I never liked him anyway. Nice. Okay. My feelings are, If I'm doing like the immediate, like, fast pace

make you feel better, it's like you're enough. I'm sorry that he's made you feel like you're not enough. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Does he even make you come? Does he that? It does, if you're honest with yourself. I'm really sorry this happened to you. I'm really sorry you found out.

This way that's so shocking and disappointed. It's because he's jealous he earned more than him. I'm so sorry he ruined this beautiful relationship. I feel like she does probably. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She does sound very succitious. Even without equal pay. It just seems very measured and like very consider.

Like, she's thought through it all. It's really incredibly. articulate about it like I'd be in bits and stuff. Do you know why else I think she earns more than him is the fact that he needed he had such he has such a low like it's such a delicate ego yeah that he still 10 years later because he got cheated on needed an ego boost of fucking her twice to feel better about it. From a school crush. That's so embarrassing. And also what happens if you damage his ego one night and then he goes out? Sorry and you'll never

find out no you'll never find out like but from like one straight out to another shake a like, honestly, it's more important to throw your life away to make sure that he feels good about himself and take care of yourself. Because remember, they do come fast. Women. Helen has some feelings. Hey, this was your relationship.

Bit of fun, Catherine. Well, you feel with your... So you've died. Okay, imagine he's cheated. No, I was actually going to say... Do you want your sunglasses back on, baby? No, I'm not... That's misandry.

I wasn't saying imagine you'd cheated. Oh, right. I was saying... Imagine she's cheated. And just as you move in with your partner, before you do, let's the thought experiment. For the listeners, we were talking about before the podcast that we're going to move in together, we're really excited.

And now Catherine's instilled this little seed of doubt. What is she's cheating on you, mate? I mean, we're never going to know. Why, you're just a cuck, a fucking cuck, mate. And she's making you buy the house, you a prick. My point was, would you forgive this? Would I forgive her? It's really in the realms of hypothetical, isn't it?

You did not have to answer that. I think it's hard because when you do really care for someone and you love them, then a lot of the rationale and reason that you know exists kind of goes out the window, right? Because the feelings are there. So I think there may well be a chance that I would. Also, she's so much fitter than I am and just so much better looking way more successful. So it's more a question of could I do better You know what I mean?

Afterwards, afterwards, yeah. Okay, great. One last thing as the, no, you mustn't. One last thing as the, Catherine, please. The final bit, which was how do I not want to hurt her? Honestly, talking to your friends will help. I say whinge to them. You can love them to spray if you want.

Thank you so much. Oh, can I say that? Oh, did you want to say something? Yes, what is this? The reason I know I couldn't let it go is because I know myself well enough. Forget the other person who never know. another person wholly. I know for a fact I would never trust the same way and I hate and I refuse to ever be the kind of person who you know those you know sometimes when you're in a teenage

relationship and you have to do things like um where they say they're going somewhere and you wonder if they are or they get a text and they turn over their phone or maybe they take it to the bathroom just because like everyone takes their phone to the bathroom but now suddenly you have to be the person who even think what are they hiding for me on that side the level of like the kind of boredom the kind of boring person that it makes you to be in that relationship I'm no longer willing to be. Oh my God.

So for me I couldn't do it because I just refuse to be who I would become personally. That doesn't mean that you would. In relation to wanting to hurt her, I think that that makes sense to me because to me I'm sorry but it sounds like you're still slightly diminishing

the hurt he has caused you and you need to put that somewhere and so it makes sense to rage at her instead. And also she has hurt you like you're not a person and but like he's a person who's been cheated on and has known you for six years and claims to love you yeah sorry but he's the one who's hurt you living in the light yeah it's also kind of like the best one of the best parts

of relationship is like you said like that you don't have to second guess about that you get to a certain point in a long term relationship where you trust is there like it's earned it's implicit it's implied like you're not wondering or what are they doing or you just trust them right and that's the nice thing about so when that goes i can't imagine what that's like a bit, you know, maybe you can get it back, but it's, you know, it must be pretty hard. I do think in order to get it back, though, there has to be a presumption of respect as well.

I don't know, there's something so disrespectful about, like, the messaging for a month and the not telling you. I know. I don't know. Hey. I wonder if you've read those messages, like, asked to see them.

Do you know what I mean? I think I'd be so, I'd need to know because, like, I'd create something in my head. I think if you did see them, you wouldn't stay together, though. You couldn't. when you couldn't see somebody come home to your bed and then I've also sent that message. Well, there's two things that either the messages he sent that woman

are the same kind of message he's sent you. And he'd be like, oh, that's gross. Like you're saying the same things to both of us where I thought that was only like for us or something. Or they're completely different. You go, what the fuck? Who is this person? So you're like into this.

Yeah, it's gross as well. It's kind of a loose, lose. Yeah, I don't think you want to do that. I don't think that's helpful. I'd say lean into it. Read everything. Do you want to just plug your social before you look at your phone? Do you want to just plug your socials quickly before we look at it?

Thank you so much for coming on. How can people follow you and find out what you're doing online? I'm on Instagram, Tucson underscore Graham. How are we spelling Tucson for the listener? T-O-U-S-A-I-N-T. You seem to have to think about that. The classic spelling. And on Twitter, Tucson underscore X.

have to. We'll be tagging Tucson and everything so you can just click and follow. Are you not on TikTok? No, I mean, yeah, but it's don't go on there, it's just embarrassing. Amid 30 old dude on TikTok is just, it's just, it's really going on there. Definitely go on TikTok.

If you get a chance to see Tucson Live, 100% book tickets. He's a phenomenal company. Like, I'm sure you'll share gigs every now and again as they come up, like definitely make an effort to go. It's so, so funny. He's also good. And we think you'd love him.

If you enjoy Helen, well you'll probably need a break and Tucson is that guy I'm the pallet cleanser you need after heaven power 20 seriously that last kick we just together I did not do well no I did not

this is a while ago now we did a new material like I was she gets defensive it always happened yeah it was yeah it was you know what it was too much and that's okay Tucson does it for me yay

Oh, Catherine, we've got to say our thank you. We are so fucking constantly in awe and grateful of our amazing executive producers and producers. And to all of you that sign them on Patreon. But as always, just want to give a shout out to the amazing producer team. We'll start with the execs. Okay, go on. Here we go. Exx sounds like sex.

Coincidence? It is a coincidence. We're not. We're not. No, no, no, no. But thank you to Guy. to Guy Goodman, Simon Moore's, Mary Fox, Annie Tonner, Sarah Harky Deakin, and Oliver Jago. Do you remember like that five months when we couldn't say Sarah Harky Deakin?

Yeah. We have come so far. I felt like you couldn't say Oliver Jago just then, but that's okay. Oliver Jago. Oliver Jago. Thank you. And to our incredible producers, you guys are, we've got some new ones. Like, welcome to the sty.

Like, welcome, welcome. Roll around. But as always, the inevitably amazing crew of Richard Bicknell, L, Richard Bould, Neil Redmond, Victoria Hutchison, Emma Walton, Karen and David Bull, Harold Van Dyke, Tim and Dom, David Walker, Rachel R. Anthony Conway, Sadie Cashmore, Claire Owen Jones, Jess and Nick, Zoe, Sarah and Molly Fing, Gaudelae, Rachel Page, Helen A, Tina Lindsay, Graham Marsh, Emily G, Amy O'Rearden, Abby Woff, Keyweb, Matt Sims, Luke Bright and Leah. So many new... Guys, thank you so much.

And if you're not already on Patreon, you get an extra episode... Sign up because I just spent $4.50. And we have a lot of secrets on there, a lot of secrets. I still have to message Andrew now and again being like, so give me the list of names of people who sign up for patrons just in case. And I just be like, I know it's for patrons, but could we possibly like take out a name or two? Yeah, you like because of the patrons, it really gets a bit too loose. Yeah, it does.

Hey guys, thank you so much. We honestly, honestly couldn't make the podcast without you. So thank you. Thank you so much. Bye.