Trusty Hogs - Ep79. MAILBAG SPECIAL

Episode Date: April 6, 2023

Another deep dive into the Trusty Hogs inbox this week as we get updates from problems past, solve some problems new, and invariably go off on a million tangents. From History Corner, to Parish Announcements, we must be the only podcast whose format points somehow makes the show even more structureless...Thank you so much for listening!Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Simon Moores / Guy Goodman / Mary Fox / Annie Tonner / Sarah Jarque-Deakin / Oliver JagoPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Karen & David Bull / Harald van Dijk / Eddie Doyle / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Jo Holmes / Sarah & Molly / Alex Pugh / Josie W / Amy / Cordelia / Raia Fink / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Sophie Chivers / Graham Marsh / Emily Gee / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Kie Web / Matt Sims / Luke Bright / Leah / Kate SpencerWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You buy a pair of socks, that's two socks. You buy a pair of Bomba socks, that's four socks. Because one purchased is one donated. Sox are the number one most requested clothing item in homeless shelters. So when you buy a pair of super comfortable Bomba socks, you're also donating a pair. Bombas customers have powered over 150 million donations. So Bombas would like to thank you 150 million times, but we only have like 30 seconds. Go to Bombas.com and use code audio for 20% off your first purchase.

That's BOMBAS.com and use code audio at checkout. Go back to school deliciously with Whole Foods Market. Wake up with low-priced 365 by Whole Foods Market protein waffles and breakfast burritos. Prep lunch boxes quickly with 365 brand juice boxes, crackers, dried fruit, and more. And look for sales on no antibiotics ever ground beef and chicken breasts that make meal prep a breeze. Shop best in class fines for back to school at Whole Foods Market, in store and online. Hello. Hello, good morning.

Good morning. Good morning. Good afternoon. Good evening and good night. Oh my God. It's 20 past 12. We're doing this in the afternoon. Oh my goodness. And yet you seem so chipper. I'm so happy. Hi. I'm so excited for this episode. Through the fog. Step forth the trusty hogs. Yeah. You're going to give them your problems and they will solve them.

Or maybe they won't. And that's your problem. They'll have guests. And Andrew. on the tech Oh, it's Helen and Catherine as the trusty hogs Trust the trusty hogs Or maybe not

I'm absolutely love when we have guests on And I know I adore it Oh by the way, welcome to episodes I should start again Wow That was crazy I got ahead of myself Wow I got ahead of myself

But guess what we're not having a guest today Anyway, it's Trustee Hoggs No, I'm just saying hello Welcome to episode 79 of Trusty Hoggs The podcast in which we tell you about Let's face it are frankly perfect lives. And then we try to help you with yours because they seem kind of stressful. You're welcome.

Yikes. But today we are doing a mailbag special. Which basically means we get to sit here and we listen to all your drama, your gossip, your stress and then we just solve it really easily. Can I be honest? May I? Yeah, please. My goodness. Helen and I are... Look, we've seen each other

a lot this week. We've seen each other a lot this week. I love you. I love you so much too, but do we have any news? We peed in front of each other and you never let me do that normally. I mean, you've seen me pee, poo, poo, things so many times, but this is the first time I've seen you, Pee-P. You said you were looking away.

Well, everyone takes a sneak, right? Helen! Because no one's looking up the entire time you pee, because you have to go to the toilet roll and go, no one's doing that blind. Okay, first of all, may I say, I didn't... It comes out ginger. The carpet does match the urine drapes.

It doesn't even make any sense. It doesn't even make any sense. If that is how it works. It doesn't even make any sense. No, because you're too darker red, like, even with a baroque or orange it wouldn't quite get there. My futes are lighter, but that's none of your business. Are they? The point is weird, because they don't even see this. Look. You're always just so waxed.

It's hard to tell. It's true. Okay. Are you okay? You look sad. Yeah, but I just want to clarify that. I didn't let you let you into the cubicle with me. I think you did. No, Helen, there were three empty cubicles. You were like, do you want to go in together? One of them was out of order.

You're like, do want to go in together? I said, no. She said, come on, let's be together. I said, I don't want to. I said, I don't want to. You said, poor Helen. And I said, I don't want to. And then you... I don't remember this.

Then I said, I'm going in here. And then you pushed your way into the cubicle after me, close the door and said, too late. And then started taking your pants off. For friendship. Are you serious? You didn't like it? Because I thought you enjoyed the chit-chat. I was actually surprised by...

How much you enjoyed the special time. I enjoyed the level of comfort you had. And I also enjoyed what I didn't think was possible. I honestly thought the reason that we couldn't do it is I thought I'd never, ever, ever be in front of, like... You won't even, like, even when we're in a, like, communal toilet, like, it was just the two of us in there. I have to play music out loud. But, yeah.

So what I thought would happen is that I wouldn't be able to even wee. Because as you know, I have an uptide pelvis. And frankly, an uptide vibe. So I just didn't think I'd be able to wee. But then you talked so much. It was like when you play the radio. Yeah. And so ultimately, yes, I did get, I did get going.

And that was nice. Turns out I'm friends with a lot of women, like really funny, wombs, not wooms, what's it called? Uriney ball. Urinary ball, what's it called? The urinary sag. The urine chamber. Are you?

Where do you keep it? Bladder! Oh my God, I got there. I think I've got friends with a lot of women with like really shy bladder syndrome. So like I've got used to the fact that you just have to chitter, chatter away the whole time. Or you leave them the fuck alone while they try to pee. No, but it's good for friendship. Also, we were at one of those parties.

where like if you try and chat with someone, someone else comes over, someone else comes over, there's like nowhere really to be or to go. It was a bit tricky. Can you just, can we just circle back? Did you think for a second that we came from the womb? No, wait. No, no, no.

I know that we doesn't come from the womb. I know that we came from the womb. Well done. As people. Very funny, very good. Thank you. Very droll, actually. Very droll.

Very droll. That's what Helen says to me. Anytime I say anything that's a joke that she has to think about, she'll never laugh. She'll go, Very droll. I just, I love saying droll.

I just think it's the funniest way. It's such a past egg way of being like, I'm not going to give you that. Oh, incredibly droll. Thank you, Andrew. I'm not going to be giving you that. Andrew's very droll. He is.

He's very dull. He's very dull. It really is. Incredibly. Yeah. That happened. And I don't feel closer to you, but only in a way we're like,

I guess I now feel like I understand Sunil's life a bit better. No, I have to close the door at home. I know, but I've been very clear. I think that's right. I do think that's right.

but I also feel like I get how the non-consensual cuddie club began now. I still think you have to accept that when your housemates, consensual hugging is just a given. And I'm sick of saying it. I don't think that's true, but... Because we live together, so, like, emotionally linked. And I cried again the other day, and he hugged me. What?

Yeah. And he didn't, like, freeze up for too long. Whoa. Classic period cry. Genuinely thought the world was ending. I know. I hate that. It's the word.

It was so bad and I was like feeling so emotional and I've just been watching these like really intensely sad films apart from the emperors in the groove which was very good. Isn't it a joy? Oh wonderful. Is that bad Lama? Bad Lama. Yeah.

No, ah, you're ha! Like it's so, so good. Also, David Spade. So that's comedy in many ways. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I've just been like I sort of like really led into this period and I tried to get him to hold me and he did. And then the next day I was still sad and he came in straight for a cuddle.

and then he brought me like three Kind of Buenos. Whoa. Thank you very much. And then I bought him a Kinder Bueno a couple of days afterwards say thank you for the Kinder Buenos, but he didn't eat it for like 24 hours. And it was just on the coffee table. And I woke up and I was like, oh no, I want a kind of Bueno.

And he was like, oh, what are we going to do? And I was like, oh, no, no, no, I just have that one. And then I ate it. What is wrong with you? Because I was so hungry and I love a Bueno. You're not hungry. I've seen your house. There's plenty of food.

It's like living inside of Alada because we get so over-excited. It honestly is. I walked in and I was like, it's like, Willie Wonka's Chocolate Factory in here. Helen was like, do you want a chocolate? And she's like, do you want a chalky? And I was like, yeah, go on.

And then she was like, you spent maybe seven minutes listing my option. By the end, I was like, um, uh, yeah, uh, just, um, and then I, and then I panicked and ate Saniels Lindy. Yeah, you did. You went for the one thing. And I was like, you can't have this. And that's the one that you were like, But I want the lint.

I want Saneal special lint chocolate. I think basically what happened is I did a couple of gigs recently where I got paid in cash, which, do you know what, even though like... You don't believe in cash with real money. It's like monopoly, yeah, because it's like, it's different, isn't it? It's still real currency, but okay. So, and also I believe in supporting small businesses. Can I just say that?

No, because social mobility is bloody awful. And we should all use small businesses instead of giving our money to big farmer. How about that for once? Thank you very much. Don't buy cowpull, buy something from an Italian deli. Thank you very much. You love cowpaw. So, carpool's the fucking best.

Don't get me started. But buy it from an independent. I've always said that. Don't get your carpool from a super drug. Get it from a newsaget. You know, absolutely no one thinks that you support small business. You could do it supporting your own small business occasionally. I forget that I'm a small business.

It's mad, isn't it? Business, Helen. Anyway, I got paid by cash. You know you're a sole trader, right? And I, huh? You're not actually called a small bit. You're called a sole trader. What does that mean?

Okay. Am I, trading and fish? I'd rather found her. It's just a bit of fun because of soul. Is sheer coblot? We don't know. Andrew, very droll, right? Very droll.

Thank you. Very droll. I do want to do your taxes. Okay. Can I just say this? I have got very into Italian delicatessons, mainly because they sell the littlest biscuits. Oh, they do the canoly?

Yes. So good. There's a cafe near me that does a pistachio cream canoli, and it is fucking insane. My problem is I can't really eat the biscuit part, but I like the cream part. Oh, so you do the tongue thing? Yeah, I mean, classic gay, but also the woman in the Italian deli up the road from me has started making gluten-free ones, but instead of actually making gluten-free ones, all she's done is, like, got enough Florentine and rolled it, and I'm like, this is so bad.

Like, you know, when you're put me in your mouth, you know, like, my teeth hurt. Like, my face hurts. right there and I eat so much that's a small business that we should be supporting and she sounds incredible and I do let me tell you Sandra has so much of my money it's crazy I also like the little like

you know those packs of Italian biscuits they sell where like the package is like sort of like a brownie cream colour and it's like they're like little Nicolito Italian wadi um chocolatey you know what I mean the Nicolotta chocolatey

Is it xenophobic now? And it's like little biscuits and they've got like Nutella inside them? No. Okay, you guys, I'm going to find them and then put up a picture because it's incredible. Okay, thank you. I really appreciate that. We said that we weren't going to talk and we were just going to answer the problem. Oh my God, yeah, sorry. But equally, like,

that did feel like a problem that we needed to address. So, um, okay, well, listen, Andrew. Next step, pooing together. No, ask the fucking looting. Can I just quickly say something before we do this? No. What is dead more difficult? No. Pissing. I said you can't say it. You asked. Changing A moon cup or poo.

like what would you rather do in front of me like gun to your head like gun to your head Catherine rather we or change a moon cup in front of you then poo okay thank you so they wanted to know Andrew let's have a problem okay why would you make me say that I'm curious about my friends so shoot me very droll Andrew well this is a mailbag special we have two physical pieces of mail in our mail bag which is very exciting one of them's a gift for me one of them is a gift I can see on the floor. Oh, you already figured that out.

Thank you. Do you know what's worse about this, though? I won't show it to camera because it has my address. Actually, that's final cover out. It says, it's addressed to Helen Bauer, comma, trusty hogs. Excuse me? Which is terrifyingly very, yeah. Oh, what lovely handwriting that person has.

Very nice handwriting. Oh, my God, it's such a beautifully done box. Andrew, I think you're covering the address with another envelope with your address on. Oh, no, it just says PS on the back. Oh, my God, oh my God. Come on, give me, give me, give me, give me. Wait, who's the envelope for? The card is for both of us.

It's actually a Christmas card, which I've accidentally sat in my flat for ages. Okay, let's have a look at this first. I'm only four. I wish you well. That's gorgeous. Happy chocolate days. That is actually amazing. And there's glitter on our little towelies.

Oh my God, it says PS if you're looking for homemade cards, jewelry and Highland Coos, my Etsy is Blue Tipy on Insta. Truly, these cards are amazing. Blue Tippy. And I will be looking for. Oh, my God. Oh my god, it's a properly, lovely, long message. She got her. So it says, to the trusty hogs crew, Catherine, Helen, Andrew and M.

Merry Christmas. Thank you so much. What is it Easter now? Just wanted to say... This is my favourite Christmas car because it's not... It doesn't come with the dread of Christmas. It's just a random Christmas card in spring. I mean, we would have had it at Christmas if Andrew wasn't ironically hugging it.

Very droll. Just wanted to say how much I love the pod. It's the highlight of my week. Got my friend Claire into it too. Oh, we love people who tell their friends Claire. Hi, Claire. And we came to see Catherine Helen's show. of the fringe, Claire found a cathartic

talking about her break about your show, Catherine. Oh, that's so nice. Why was she talking at my show? I have Helen vibes and Claire is more Catherine, so we feel very represented each episode. Thanks for introducing us to more fab comics. My fringe list was ridiculous. That's so nice.

Oh, this is the person who tweeted the schedule with all of our guests. No! We love you. Best wishes for 2023, love from... Oh my God, you're going to love this name. Taylor. Taylor. I just go right. I fucking love the name Taylor so much. Claire is such a Helen. Claire is a Jakarta.

Taylor is such a fun name. Don't you love it? And they put their pronouns in the card. I love our listeners. Please, what the pronoun? She her. She her. Hi, Taylor. Hi, Taylor. Thank you so much. Andrew promises to do better in the future. Can we add this to our table? Oh, yeah, that's lovely. I really think we should. It's going on the table, Taylor. Bloody hell.

Next to our other gorgeous artwork. We've made it. Can I please? Yes, don't show my address on camera, please. Okay. Is it a birthday present? It says on the back who it's from. May, May William.

Don't read out their address either. Okay. Thank you. Canterbury, though. Very nice. At least say Kent. Jesus Christ. Oh, no, but Canterbury and Kent's very different, isn't it?

Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. Okay, it's a letter. I'll read it first because I'm polite now. Helen, happy birthday. I hope you get lots of prezies, especially from Canada. Catherine D. Love the pod. Snort, snort from May in Kent. See? Said Ken anyway. P.S. Be kinder to Andrew, please. Both of you.

Andrew, sorry if we've been unkind. I don't feel workplace bullied, but thank you. I love you, Andrew, and I do appreciate you. And I'm sure I don't say it louder. I don't feel workplace bullied. Thank you. Can we just, I appreciate you, Andrew, and I don't say it enough. M as well. Thank you so much for everything you do. I appreciate and love you both. Thank you, Catherine, go. Compliment circle them.

First of all, I do think the people at home should know that they are paid commensurate with their work. I don't know that. They're safe. They can leave anytime. Please don't leave us. No, truly they are. Don't open it yet. Oh, you've opened. I was trying to apologise to Andrew. Andrew, I thought we treated you quite. No, I, you always show me lots of gratitude and love.

I'm very grateful. I think I do. Genuinely. I don't think Catherine. But also, like, we were mean to him and then he stopped getting ghosted and got a boyfriend. And maybe it worked. Sorry. That's nothing to be said. A bit of tough love. You know what I mean?

I love you, Andrew. Sorry. I love you too. Oh, and wouldn't want me to say that. I love her enough to know that she'd... You're a piece of shit, bitch dick. Bitch dick.

Bitch dick. Do we not say bitch dick anymore? I like it. I like it. BD. That's your new name. No, is it my turn? Okay.

What is it? It's from... Oh. What is it? It's some sort of art. But when I first like opened it It said the word cheap, but it actually doesn't. It says studio, but I read it wrong.

What is it? I think it's a plate tea. Oh my God, do you reckon it's like a Diana commemorative plate? No, it won't be. Don't guess. Before you open it, you're already going to be appointed. What is it? What is it?

You're going to be so jealous. What? It's a personalised, trusty hogs. What? Let me hold it. Oh my God, my tits look amazing. Can we, can I know one? That's fantastic.

It's amazing. It's got a little pics all around the edge. Helen. And it's from, wait, you guys, Rachel Williams' Black Griffin Studio. That is amazing. Illustrator and ceramic artist. That's so fucking cool. Oh.

We have to tag the books on Instagram. Yeah. And please, please, May, can you contact me and tell me if I can wash it or not? Is it a display paint or can I eat my canoli off it? Oh my God. This is absolutely invisible. That is really cool I will put a picture on Instagram

What if we got one of those little display things And put it here, sat up on it No, but it's mine I know but what if we shared Or not I guess it's for your canolean Yeah Oh my God I love it so much

Oh my God do we have any more gifts Because it was my birthday That's all of them I'm afraid Helen that is such a good gift It's such a good gift And you and your sister, honestly God, do you buy them and give it to them?

And they're like, great, what else? You're like, I thought, that was the, I poured so much love into it. I'm going to wrap it up really carefully. I think you're right, though. I should get like a little, like, one of those, like, plastic display things and leave it in here.

Oh, have one canoli offered, and then we'll talk. Yeah. Power, power, power, power. Okay, next. This is the best day ever. That's so cool. I know. It also just makes up for the fact that no one here has got me a gift yet.

Helen. Yeah, no, I know we're just having fun. Helen, I have got you a gift. It's just an experience and you all know when it's happening. Have you actually? Is it a flash mob? Is it a trip to the farm? Helen.

Is it a goat experience? Helen. Can you just be quiet? Thank you. Oh my God. Oh my God. Is it a thought part? Can you just be quiet?

Just be quiet. Andrew. Hello. I think it's time for some mailbag stuff because me and Catherine have hit a bit of a stale point in our relationship again.

Okay. Thank you and I appreciate you. We have lots of updates but what I'll do is so we've got some update emails which we'll go into later but just to reset the mood we'll do a problem fresh.

I think that's a really good idea. I can't wait for the updates but okay let's do a fresh problem although I prefer, sorry sorry Andrew I respect you. Does it not make more sense to do the updates from the

old problems and then do the new problems. Okay, yeah, now I'm happy to go do the updates first. I wouldn't have felt the need to contradict you like that, Andrew, because I love and respect you more than Catherine does. Sorry. Don't be sorry, be better. Oh, okay. Sorry.

I just think, you don't even like you clear the deck and then you... Clear the deck. Am I crazy? Like, will you get the updates and then we start the new... Am I? I'm refusing to join in with this because I feel like you're yelling at Andrew. And what's logical to you? Pick a parent, Em.

Take a parent. Yeah, I'd say you're pretty good. Oh, let's all take Catherine's side. Right, fine, Andrew. This is exactly what May was talking about. I know, this is exactly it. It's just constant bickering. Come on, let's hear it.

Listen, I hope you enjoyed that minute-long format deliberation. Okay. Which will be staying in, because it's important that people know that people like us should not work together. Okay. You have to see how the sausage is made. We need a man in here, a big straight man. He'd make some choices and we'd be done by now. I made a choice.

You just don't respect it because you don't want to fuck me. Just touch my breath. I try to. The dungarees are hiding them from me. Andrew, I'm sorry. I am actually ready and Catherine is distracting me. They are lovely dungarees, Catherine. Thank you. Ellen's mom made them.

Oh, amazing. That's really cool. Sorry. Why are you looking at me like that? Andrew, sorry. I am listening, Catherine, for some reason, feels a need to speak over you. Okay, so with... No, no, the energy's too tense.

Hang on, hang on, hang on, compliment circle. Andrew's in it as well. Come on. Can I go fast? Give one to Andrew than me, please. Andrew. I constantly live large when I get to tell people how old you are because the amount of times I'm at gigs

and someone will go like, oh my God, you're good friends with Andrew. Andrew is so funny, he's so amazing, it's incredible. I'm like, I know, I know. Do you know he's also 12 years old? And they all just freak out. And I'm just so proud to know you because I know that you're going to be a superstar. And it's just such a privilege to get to watch the beginning of this amazing career. Thank you.

You're welcome. That's very sweet. Thank you. I'll do Andrew too now. Okay. There is no scenario in which this podcast would exist or work without you. True. I'm including I'm in that too.

But I know that she doesn't want to be in the compliment circle because she's a bitch to. because she's a bitch dick and because she's blushing and she's not even receiving a direct compliment she likes bitch dick she does like bitch dick honestly little bitch dick our little BD

but no truly this would not like I don't I can't stress to you enough at home dear listeners how much like we show up and scream at each other and it is listen that's a talent well I put out this on the table

and the candle and stuff but truly I genuinely have no idea how it goes from us talking to like you know Oh, online. I know. It's mad, isn't it? Yeah. I don't know. Okay, yeah, yeah. So truly, you're profoundly talented and we're so grateful to you. Thank you so much. You hold us all together. You keep the bus on the road.

Andrew, us now. Yes. Okay. I didn't mean to say it with that tone. Sorry. Catherine's fine was on. That's all right. She's expecting an important call, Helen. That's allowed. Oh, yeah. I forgot about that. A call about delivery. Thank you, Andrew. You're very welcome. Catherine, you are amazing. You are your work ethic is second to none.

I love sitting in a cafe and just bashing out admin with you. You're one of the few people on my administrative wavelengths, which is much appreciated. I agree. We really are admin soulmates. It was gorgeous. Once in Leeds, we just sat in a cafe for like four hours. And one of the waiters was a Trustedy Hogs listener and brought up free cake

whilst we were just going through our spreadsheets. It was the most Catherine Trusty Hoggs moment, I think, had experienced. That was such a nice cafe. What was that called in Leeds? I will find out to plug them. Oh my God, it was divine. And yeah, and Andrew and I just so happily moved through our to-do list. Treemey.

It was very dreamy. And he kept updating the parking on his phone. We didn't even have to go anywhere. Oh, it was the best day. Marmaduke's question marks. Yes, I think it was. Wonderful film. And a cartoon.

Marmaduke's Leeds. Hellas. Oh, Wilson voices a dog. It was, it wasn't Leeds. It was Sheffield's apology. Oh, and it was Marmaduke's, yeah. Oh, Sheffield. You'd reckon you'd remember the city.

But whatever. We had a lot of work on. We were distracted. Okay, Andrew, I'm ready. Helen, you are one of the most loving people I know. You always make people feel very included in every situation. You do. You do.

My boyfriend, who sometimes feels uncomfortable in green rooms just because he feels like, oh, I shouldn't be here or whatever. Well, he shouldn't. It's a professional workspace. Chush, chute. But despite your thoughts against him, you never let that show. you're always very welcoming

and he says because I'm loving so Catherine's good at admin and I'm just always nice I'll take it thank you Andrew okay do you want to do one for each other I think we have to crack over the mail

okay I think you're very pretty okay I think you're genuinely one of the funniest people like you've had it before it's boring okay no no no can I say Ellen and I were talking about this the other day she was like she's genuinely

the funniest person I've ever met and I was like yeah but no it is true she has not met Amy Gladhill she can't meet Amy Gladhill think how much Ellen would fancy Amy Gladden size of those breasts I know the absolute state of that banter that red hair hello yeah you're never meeting I'm sorry shout out to Amy Gladhill but you don't

need to go near my woman let's go Andrew yes I appreciate you and I'm ready for that and thank you for compliments Saki thank you that was really lovely little diversion I enjoyed it Diversion. Well, we said for this episode we were just going to bash her a mailbox special and so far I think we've ruffled on

for like two hours. Come on, Andrew, let's get to the point. So one update, you were worried that there were no tall old people in existence. Yes. I mean, yeah, there's no tall... I have received a couple of tweets, but nothing that's really fully settled my soul.

A lot of like, my granny lived to 75 and she was 5'10 and I'm like 6'1. Okay, let's talk about it. And they can do better than 75, I know. These aren't much more reassuring, to be honest. I know a 70-year-old lady who's 510. Carmen Della Rafiche, who is a model.

She's in her 90s. She's 511. Okay, good. That's getting to be way better. And then this comment from Abby on our YouTube says, Helen, I'm a social worker with older adults in hospitals. Great. The tall ones do exist, I promise.

Whoa. But why are we in hospitals? Maybe only meet one every couple of months, but they're out there. Nice. So every couple of mum is a really tall old person that's going to hospital. And that's supposed to be a comfort. Yeah, really old, though. Like, old enough to, like, need care.

Yeah. Okay. So I don't have to, like, start making my will. No. And oh my God, do you know how you want to live with me when you're older? Yeah. As in, like, because you won't get a pension. Yeah.

No, I have a pension. Okay. I'm just going to spaff it before then. Yeah, no. I do know. Do you imagine, like, I get, like, a death sentence when I'm like 78. and I'm like, right, Tokyo Disney by sea, let's fucking do it. Okay.

So before you interrupted me and I was saying that Ellen thinks you so funny, she said this, I wish you lived with her. I said, what? I said, I wish you lived with her. I said, why? Because then I get to see her more. Aw. We should never live together.

We would never live together. I said, Helen doesn't need to be observed by me every day. What you up to today, Helen? Fuck off. You would chuck me out. within like five hours. There's no way. This is the way we could share a communal bathroom.

Also, who has a plate every time you make toast? Do you know what I mean? You can just do it on the side. It is not the end of the world. And for some reason, Catherine brought out a plate for me the other day for one potato waffle. Who is showing off to?

That's quite a shiba? Where's sheba? You know, where is it? Bit droll. And also, if you had neighbours, I would be consistently worried about the pitch. Oh yes, Sanealas as well. Poor Barb.

I do you love her. Well, the potato waffles is a great segue into another update. I am so good at segways. As you remember, Ashting B did a live dubstep potato waffles. Yes, I'm one of our more Irish episodes. Yes. And this from Joe, he has made an actual dubstep waffle. What?

What a song. I'll play it for you into the studio and I'll insert it into the episode. Yes, yes, please. Here we go. This is chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken.

Oh. Chit, chicken, chicken. Chichichig and chicken. Pats. Beep, be, be. Tats. I feel like I'm drinking. You are.

Okay, this is one of the coolest things about her. It's insane! Are you kidding? Do you not think with a remix of Dolly Part 9 to 5 back and track it would literally make this? Because it sounds like a 14 and 1, despite the fact it is one song.

This is on Dollywood. Can I extend this to Ashley Me? Please do, yes. I'll get it seven once up to you. congratulations joe some would say that might have been a waste of a day for you but not me i think that was fucking flawless are you kidding as she's going to lose her mind that's so cool

how do people even do that people put so much time into making cool stuff for us it's really nice we met trust yogs memes the other day oh my god at the live okay so patreon supporters will be able to listen to the live episode that we do with ron to see titley it was phenomenal Ashleyneby's best friend. It's funny that. And at it, Trustee Hogg's memes was in the room.

If you don't follow Trustee Hogg's memes, you're missing out. Go on Instagram. Follow Trustee Hoggs. Follow Catherine Beauchard. Follow Andrew White. Follow Helen Bauer. Follow trusty hog's memes.

It's all you've got to do. Don't follow him. She does not want that. Oh, please do not. Leave her alone. Leave her alone. But Trustee Hog's memes is so funny. So good.

And basically we were like backstage at Trusty Hog's life. And I was like on my Instagram. I was like flicking through my stories. And it was like, Thank you, Andrew. Trusty Hogg's memes just came up and it was like outside of the venue. And I was like, they're here. And then we were both like peering around the curtain trying to figure out who it was.

I was so happy. It was a bisexual girl and a relationship with a man. It's the first thing ever. She was incredible. She's so funny. Amazing. Amazing. The memes are genuinely like, I mean, cruel, cruel about me, I'd say.

But genuinely so good to little Helen. So funny. So good to little Helen. So funny. Oh God, that live show was great If you haven't listened I think it's worth joining the Patreon for Because I sang

Yes, you did a full rendition of a I did defying gravity as a solo With lighting changes With lighting changes And smoke It was so great To be fair They really like at the karaoke hole

They really gave you the right And I was on like a two day hangover I did a teal shot That one of our lovely listeners Chloe Gives me It's so good And I sang really good When does that go up for the patrons?

They'll be out now. Okay, well, I'll be prepared. Yeah, we're sure you should so well. But yeah, follow Trustee Hug memes. Go on, Andrew. Sorry. Would you like another update? Yes.

Fantastic. Well, this is a very positive one. We had a listener who emailed in, they were powerlifting. She'd started powerlifting. She was traveling from Essex into London to do a lot of powerlifting. Yes. And she was wondering whether, because a lot of people in their life were questioning whether it was worth that amount of dedication. Yeah.

Which was jealous and insane, yeah. And you told them to keep going for it. And we have this update from Elle. I'm the powerlifter who asked for advice a while I'm back. I just wanted to say, I qualified for British Bench Championships and came second. Oh my God. That's huge. Massive.

That's so cool. It's amazing, isn't it? So how many benches? British Bench, I don't know. I'll Google British Bench Championship to get some more context to this. That is so freaking cool. Because at school, it's two kids to one bench. So when you think about it, what they can do with one bench.

person. Just being droll. Oh, is that their name? Elle. Yes, that's the initial. Well done. Congratulations. That's so cool.

You're hard work paid off. Do you imagine that like now Elda spends all their time just wondering around hoping there's a car crash that she needs to lift off someone. Do you know what I mean? I don't think so. Because you'd want to showcase it. I wish that and not wish that like a man couldn't lift his case up onto the high bit of the like.

I offered to help a man the other day with his case. And he said, no, no, thank you. But he was so shocked. And then he just suddenly realized how shocked he was. And he was like, no, but thank you so much, sweetie. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Oh, it's fine, no way. It's like he'd never been asked before.

Oh, bless. That's freaked out. So sweet. Like, what's this big girl doing? And I was like, do you know what you guys? He's like, no, no, no, no. Oh, thank you so much, sweetie for the offer though. Thank you so much for emasculating me like that.

And you know when you're like, I know this is full of drag stuff. Like I could just tell. I could so tell. Yeah, yeah. The moment he started speaking, I was like, here we go. That's so funny. Elle, congratulations. We're proud of you.

Come here and lift us up, I guess, is what I want to say to that. That's the next logical step. I would love to see one of our listeners bench press both of you. That would be cool. That would be incredible. I think I'd be too aroused. We're being bench pressed. By being bench pressed by a woman.

Yeah, okay, in all fairness. Yeah. All I'm saying is chalk up your hands because it'll be slippery. You know, our friends of the podcast shelf? Yes. Debo's are weirdly, and I mean weirdly ripped. Like, they're so compact and like cutcy and they're like a little, small little cute little double act. And then they take off their jumpers and I find it hard to focus on the conversation.

I tend to have to be like, like, honest ago with Rachel or Ruby, I'm like, you're going to have to put those away if we're going to talk. Is it like guns? Is it like a gunshot thing? It's crazy. Stop it. It's crazy. I'm gicking with them. Oh my God, I have to show you their arms

Next week or this week Ask them to flex Fucking well But you're going to be You're going to be turned on Oh my God, I'm so excited Yeah, so listen I don't

I mean would I love to be bench pressed by a woman Yes But do I think that that should be like a public event I'm not sure Oh my God I know patrons only Yes Film it for the Patreon

Okay but should I pay them How does it work? We'll do one more update Oh no two more Feel good about Back to School with help from Whole Foods Market. Thanks to their high standards, you can keep banned food ingredients like high-fructose corn syrup out of lunchboxes all year. Check out Whole Foods Market unmatched selection of allergen-friendly options for all kinds of special diets. Find what you need without dairy, gluten, nuts, or whatever you're trying to avoid.

Get back to school ready at Whole Foods Market, in store, and online. makes the most comfortable socks, underwear, and t-shirts. Warning, bombas are so absurdly comfortable you may throw out all your other clothes. Sorry, do we legally have to say that? No, this is just how I talk, and I really love my bombas. They do feel that good, and they do good, too. One item purchased equals one item donated. To feel good and do good, go to bombas.com and use code audio for 20% off your first purchase.

That's B-O-M-B-A-S.com and use code audio at checkout. Avoiding your unfinished home projects because you're not sure where to start. Thumbtack knows home so you don't have to Don't know the difference between matte paint finish and satin Or what that clunking sound from your dryer is With Thumbtack, you don't have to be a home pro You just have to hire one You can hire top rated pros

Seed Price Estimates and Read Reviews all on the app Download today Updates we've got And then we'll do a new problem Bloody love updates This is a update on the mum trauma dumping problem Yes screaming

this is the E who wrote in and her mum was trauma-dumping a lot of stuff coming into her room and just telling her upsetting stuff Oh my God of course

yeah about the parents' relationship did I imagine Yeah a lot about relationships and yeah I think specifically it was kind of overstepping a boundary

because it was about the relationship as well Yeah Okay yeah yeah He says I have an update On the mum trauma dumping I suggested

that she spoke to someone professional, i.e. doctor, counselor, etc. And yesterday, when she came to apologize, she came to apologize for projecting onto me, and frankly, for being quite a bitch. As she said, those were her words. So good.

I know, she didn't say bitch dick, unfortunately. Oh, that's a shame. Well, maybe in the feet, yeah. We'll get it going. We'll get it going. She has been speaking to one now, but she doesn't believe that talking about it will help. She told me this yesterday, and I'm still very frustrated. I've been in therapy for five years, and it's

helped me immensely, but her saying that makes me think she just doesn't believe in therapy. She has slowed down on the drama tumbling, though, and I've since started ignoring her when she does it. So thanks for the advice. Okay, number one, amazing. I will say this for your mum. No, me first, Caffway, me first. I, when I started therapy, I was doing it to appease people around me because I was like everyone saying I need to go. So I was like, I'll just go.

And I genuinely did not think it would help. I was like, this is how it is. Like, talking about it's not making a difference. And then it did. to like allow people to be stuck in a mindset that will change because I was definitely that person. Now I fucking love therapy. Like I get upset when my therapist takes a holiday.

I'm like, no. Yeah. And also like, you know, I think we were all quite like understandably like firm in relation to your mother last time. But also like she's a person. She has flaws. It sounds like she's moving in the right direction. It sounds like she came and owned her shit.

It sounds like she came and apologized. Well, the first step to better in yourself is talking about how you're a bitched people. But her saying that she's not sure it'll help her I don't think is saying that it doesn't help you

you know it doesn't I think you know that sounds like massive progress and I think that's great we actually helped yeah woohoo

I guess we're sort of like saving lives I said that to someone the other day that on the podcast we give out advice and it's like we're making

we're being the change in the world that we want to see yes we are they did not see it that way wow is that your fucking No.

Don't get me started. I get me started. We have another parental problem update. Yes, right. This is from the headline of this problem was, Is my dad having an affair? The one we did with Ashling. Yes, this is speaking of...

Wait, remind you, remind me. She was a good problem. If you haven't listened, go back to the Ashtling B episode. Remember, she was like, he's been seeing the woman next door loads or on the street and they've been texting. Yes!

Oh my God. Yes. Yes. Yes. Oh, my God. They're having a baby together. And the mom was like, is he? I think he is. I suspect it. He's done it before. He's done it before. Oh, my God. So, Jay says, I did confront my dad about the text on his phone. Thank you so much for the advice. It was super awkward, but I do think it's cleared the air between us. He, of course, denied anything was going on and insisted that I had nothing to worry about. Brackett's I suspected he would do this. But my mum has told me that they're actually seeking couples therapy. So that is positive, I guess. And then I can't remember the context.

for this line, but I'll say it anyway. Helen, I will not pack any cotton if I ever decide to visit the Arctic tundas. Cost and kills. Oh, because the cotton gets wet and you die. And thank you, because that's a really important lesson that I really hope all the hogs did take on board

because it's survival skills as well as a fun podcast, and I think that's important that we remember that. Cotton kills, lest we forget. It's important that people know. You're so fucking. weird.

I can't believe. Why are you so weird? Could you think? It's weird as shit all the time. It's survival. Can you like, did everyone else feel our reaction just listening to this of Andrew saying that someone confronted that and we were both like, oh my God, real life consequences to us doing banter.

Real life consequences. Oh my God. You're so right. The two of us literally went, great. How did that go? Fantastic. But can we talk about how us, too, the least confrontational, most, like, honestly, like, we're so avoidant. And then the fact that both people have come back and said, our relationship with our parent was bettered because we talked about the thing that was difficult.

Well, we're glad to hear that our advice that we would never take work for y'all. Oh, my God. I'm really happy that your parent are seeking counselling, if that's what they both desire. That's what your mum desires, I should say. And also, like, good for you. for like saying something like just because the conversation's awkward doesn't mean it's not important to have and also that like you can have difficult conversations lovingly it sounds like in both contexts like you did that and that's so impressive that's so true I feel like we've maybe spoke about us before but

like there's ways of like talking to someone about something that's tricky and going into it without anger without judgment and going in with like love and patience to be like I'm aware that I'm bringing this subject to you I'm prepared for this chat you haven't prepared for it We're both going to be a bit awkward, but let's just allow it to like, I'm not trying to, you know when someone is trying to catch someone out? Like, you don't have to be catching someone out. Like, it can just be a chat. Yeah.

Unless it's me and my mum, in which case, it's fucking battle royale and let's fucking do it. And like read into everything each other says. And then bring it back up five years later. I knew you never loved me. And so therapy's going well, is it? Yeah, shout to Anne. Don't worry. Soon we'll be.

do a battle right out for springtime. Soon it comes. Soon it come a fan. Wow. Terrifying. Remember everyone else in their mums too, right? Hello. Okay, very droll. Andrew. So our next update is actually

we talked about some people some people fall asleep to us or like use us to help get to sleep. Yes. Like that's incredible. I still get messages every now and again people who just started listening to the podcast when we spoke about it. like ages ago and they're like just you know it does help me unwind

really wake up no it's just so fun no but that's crazy because like fire fire but doesn't it make you think about all the things that you have to fix in your life like your pension and your relationship with your mom pension very easy pension be done we're not sponsored by pension we should be yeah we should also should we rather than like yelling to try and get them to wake up shouldn't we just like whisper subliminal like increase your Patreon's description. Subscribe to the pet. Book, book tickets to come see us life.

Subscribe, like and review five stars. Leave a comment on our YouTube channel. Make sure it's nice about Catherine, but kind of incendiary about it. Just be nice to both of us. It's the right thing to do. Do you think about it. Buy gifts and send them.

Send them to Andrew that sends them to me. But also sends them from me. You get so many fucking gifts. I like into Puanos. Also, if anyone listening works for Disney, I am still looking access to the special secret lounge of Club 36. You're not really whispering anymore. You got to say. Please.

You went more ghosty at the end rather than subliminal. It went from like, we're watching you why. Oh, hell. That's always my fear with ghosts. It's like, all the things you've seen, you know what I mean? You can put the sticker over the camera on your laptop, but you can't put blindfolds on a bloody ghost, am I right? You can't put blindfold on the gay.

You think somebody's moved through the dimensions to come back to this planet? If I was coming back as you'd watch. And wants to see you. Let's be clear. A ghost does not just get like one day to come and have a look. If you're hanging around for like a thousand years, you're going to watch some wanking.

And you think it would be you? I think I'm interesting. I think I'm an interesting case study. Do you, there you are interesting. Because of the imagi wanky. I can't pretend I'm not curious, I suppose. Yeah. Okay, fair enough.

The screaming, the costume, the turtles. Like, there's a lot going on. Oh, yeah, sorry. I didn't actually get to the end of that update. We went on a bit of a diversion to use that again. I don't believe so. So, as well as adult people using our voices to go to sleep, this person has written.

We just did so much wine content. Please don't say there's a childless. It might be a dog. No, it's a baby. Is that better? I think that's better. I don't think they can take it in. Oh, I don't know if that's right.

I don't know if I think that's right. We use YouTube videos of talking as background to help my baby self-settled and stay asleep. Yours works really well. I don't know. I don't know. Hello, baby. It's Helen. It's your auntie Helen and Auntie Catherine here.

Don't listen to her. There's no such thing as goes. Her Alf's Suviden. That's the thing you're wondering. about it. You might scare them with ghosts. Hatsy Gansfest. Kind of angst.

Is for the shit and burnished version. German's the most soothing language you could go with. It's Phil Collins and German though in all fairness. So it is very soothing. We couldn't read out from the

the cuteness of the words. Hi baby. Hi baby. Hi baby. Is this creepy? A little baby. You're going to poo your but it's okay you're allowed to oh I bet you smell all of milk all of milk and all

of poo oh what a silly baby hi baby please stop let your babies listen to it as soon as I get to the age of one and bang on any sort of language comprehension get them out of yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I do agree wait language comprehension surely is earlier than one in terms of you can you can start to kind of process language but not not in this sort of complex way. Complex. Yeah, this level, this level of complexity. Could you imagine a baby's first words is just very droll?

That would be amazing. Or no, Helen! I'm only four months. Oh my God, that would kill me if baby's first phrase was only four months. Somebody did ask us if we would do a baby grow that said I'm only four. Oh my God, that's the Jesbians. That's such a cute idea. Yeah. I mean, we will definitely for you, yeah.

For me? No, for the Jesbian. Oh, sorry. I thought you were trying to put me in there. And I don't know how much of a market there would be for baby that say I'm only four for a baby. Like, it's a bit niche. Yeah, maybe we should go for Catherine's on money four months. But again, that's only got one month.

Oh, could I get an adult baby grow that says I'm only four? I don't think we should allow that. Oh, God. I hate you. Let's go to a problem, shall we? We're having fun. Put that in. You're disgusting.

So Is it new problems now? We're going to go to new problems Thank you for all your updates Thank you for your gorgeous update. If you have any updates from previous problems Trusty Hogs at gmail.com If you have new problems

please send them in We know there's quite a backlog of stuff So apologies if you're like Oh where's my problem It might even be that it's a Christmas problem And I'm waiting for next Christmas We read them all We just got this Christmas card and it's April

Do you know what I mean? We read them all Remember that there's like three mailbag specials just for the patrons Which we just like bash through loads of problems so like I'm hoping that yours isn't hidden on there but if it is we have gossiped about you I'm an apology you might want to join the Patreon I don't know I want it's five pounds on my own anyway and so you start off fresh with a brand new problem this is entitled

coming out uh hello this is from A hi A hi A okay so I split this into two um to just give you some background I 16 F have known that I'm a lesbian for a while now love that but Though through no fault of their own, I can't seem to tell my family. With my friends, it's different and they always seem surprised when I say I'm not out at home. My parents' sister are the very antithesis of homophobes, but when I try to tell them, the words catch in my throat. Wait. Okay. They're not homophiles.

No, no, it did take me a second to work that out. I understood it at first time. It does sound like you're saying your family are gay there. They're gay as hell. So advice for that would be useful. Maybe they're those people who seem like they're ready to go for people. like you know those mothers who were like dying for a cause my mother i know i don't have to and that my whole life is ahead of me to do that and also coming out

before i get a girlfriend means that i forgot the coolest option which is just to bring her to family christmas yeah that's pretty cool but also i want to be able to tell my sister about the girl i like i want my mom to stop implying i'm into my guy friends and my dad to stop freaking the fuck out when i hang out with them alone with guy friends i assume um even though it was very funny when i was watching the diving with him and was talking about Tom Daly, back as we're not British, and how cool it is he's able to be in a same-sex relationship and also be an elite athlete.

My dad's response was, does that mean you're into effeminate guys? Sweet dads! Sweet dads! Sweet dads! Anyway, that's the crux of it all. Thank you for all your work in the podcast. I love you guys so much, and if you ever decide to do the Melbourne

Comedy Festival again, you will sell at the very least two tickets, brackets me and my future girlfriend. Two tickets, yes. My future girlfriend. I love that so much. Number one, we will both come out to Melbourne at some point.

Yeah. We will. We're going to do it. We're going to do it. I mean, Catherine's already done it. But I'll get invited. I'll be back. I'll get invited one year.

Don't you worry. I'll come back. Okay, so first of all, congrats. That sounds awesome. How nice to be a lesbian. Second of all, congrats that you have cool friends who are accepting of it.

I do get it, right? I do, like, even when you don't have parents who are like, like overtly homophobic, I think what you have described there is that there's a very clear expectation in your house that has been predetermined, which is odd, right? Like, it's always odd that we decide

what the sexuality of our children's going to be before they tell us that. It's normal. And you must, you must guess. It's fun for everyone. Yeah, but it does sound like there's a prescribed expectation. And even though, like, what you're saying to them isn't bad, it does feel odd to go like,

hey, everybody, I need to change the narrative. you have about me and so I totally get that nervousness and that's fine but I actually think you have a really cool opportunity because whilst I understand the drama of the Christmas reveal like oh listen I get it

I actually think it's quite a lot cooler to come out to your parents when you I mean I came out when I had my first girlfriend but in so doing I sort of like burdened her with having to be like their first lesbian they met the first like they were like maybe it's just her like maybe it's you know whereas I think like going like I'm gay and it's not for anybody else it's not to do with anybody else

it's not because of anybody else I'm gay and I'll be gay if I'm single and I'll be gay if I'm not it's quite a cool thing to be like this she hasn't been like also parents are like can sometimes be like is it a phase is they being influenced blah blah blah blah like it's quite nice to be like influence by what as in like is it just this one person that they've met who makes them feel this way like right right right right I'm not saying that your parents will do any of those things but it is quite a freeing position to go like of my own volition and based on my own self, I know this to be true. That's so cool.

I've got something to add with no personal experience. No, we know. It's important to say. My friend took a little bit of time to come out and they left it so long that their sister came out before them and he was livid because he wanted to be the first one. And I'm just saying like I'm not an expert. I don't have any scientific facts back up,

but I've noticed that gay does run in families 100%. It does It does And like you do not want to get pipped to your post By your sister coming to you and being like So I really fancy this girl And then you're like no I fancy this girl And then it's like here we fucking go drama

I'd say like be quick Because you never know who's going to come out And you'd not want them to steal your thunder That's so interesting Thank you so much for listening Is that actually interesting No that was great advice Because could you imagine like building yourself up to come out

And your sister does it like the day before you How happens if your sister brings back the girl you fancy Oh my God! We're not writing a succumb. We're not writing a sitcom. We're not writing a sitcom. Okay, but what a pilot. I know.

No, that'll be great. Okay. Oh my God. No, Andrew, write it down. Yeah, okay, no. Trademarked. It's not how it works. Oh, but it's close enough.

But in terms of doing it, maybe start with your sister. It sounds like she's like the easier option. Like maybe start there and then maybe she can be there when you tell your parents. Yeah, but you might come out to your sister and then she'll quickly rush to your parents and tell you, oh, don't tell the parents. Oh, you don't give her a head start? I wouldn't give her head start. I'm sorry for everything I know about the sister, which I'm going to say is quite a lot.

She gay as fuck. Wow, really? She's in a race. Fascinating. But I do you think Catherine's advice was also interesting and made a really good point. I think, did we solve that? I think that's solved.

Yeah, I think. So tell them really quickly before anyone else gets a chance to steal your thunder and then be done with the consequences. But also like, if you're looking for your advice on how to tell them, I think the smaller you make it, like the better. I think like the more you can just be like

the next time somebody says, I was like, who do you fancy that point? Just be like, oh, no, I'm actually into girls. As it's not like, you know, I don't... That's nice. Rather, I almost wish that I hadn't made mine in such a like, family to the drawing room, you know? Because then they were like, we need to have a reaction to this as opposed to just like, okay. You know, if you deliver it like, it's not like something they get to have like a massive opinion on,

then I think they will accept that as a thing that's true of you that isn't something that they're expected to have a fucking opinion. And what's the other classic stuff that people say, like allow people reaction time? Yeah, I do think that's true. I do think bear in mind, that's actually a very good point. It's that thing you said earlier, which is like you've known this for ages. You've been preparing for this. They haven't. It might be a nice time to be like, you might need some time to process that,

but maybe I'm not the best person to process it with. We can talk about it in a few days if you like. But now you know. And let them get to like crazy shit that sometimes people say when they panic. out with somebody else. Yeah. I think that's good. That stuff stays with you.

You don't need to carry that round. Don't need to hear it. They cover this in modern family. Wonderful sitcom. It's a very good sitcom, yeah. It's a wonderful sitcom. They do like, Mitch is talking about coming out to his dad

and then just sort of like that stuff. Yeah, but they do it like as in the past it happened. Oh yeah, because the stuff that your parents say in the first panic. Yeah. You really shouldn't have to hear what many of us have, but you shouldn't have to. And also there's no cause to panic when you hear it, but people are from different generations

and don't see things coming sometimes, which is something that I think in many ways we'll be dying out with a generation and hopefully our generation will do better. I would agree. Hello, thank you so much for listening to Trustee Hart. Thank you so much. We just wanted to jump in really quickly

and give our patron a little plug because it is thriving over there. Yeah, thanks so much to everyone who's joined and if you want to join us, there's no pressure, please enjoy the podcast or otherwise, but if you do want to join us, there's so many benefits, you get an early access to the episode,

you get an extra episode a week, and you also get early access to our live shows. Now, the last one sold out in under 24 hours, so you want to be a patron if you want to come to the one on June 4th, which will be on sale very soon. Please join, please sign up, please get a ticket,

and hey, thanks to everyone who has already. And just to remind it, if you sign up now, there are over 70 extra episodes that you can access immediately. How many? Over 70, Catherine! It's unbelievable. But for now, please continue enjoying Trustee Hogg. Bye. Well, our next problem is, well, see what you think of this.

This is from M. Hi, M. Oh, my God, M? M. No, not M. No, no, not M. You do that every time. Not bitch dick, M.

But anyone who missed that M just went, not me. Like, we've heard it before. It wasn't funny the first time. Very droll. If anything is it. Very droll, Helen. Very droll. I need to stop saying.

That's going to become like a catchphrase, isn't it? It does feel like it. Very droll. Okay, let's go. So, see, yeah, see what we think of this? This says, where I work, have started a reward scheme for those who aren't. Andrew, that's not your fault. Helen tried to whisper something to me.

You were reading. It was, honestly, it's like some of us, I feel like I'm back in school where I'm like, some of us are trying to learn. Can you please not talk to me when the teacher's speaking? When we're having moments of this, I want us to remember how good I've been on WhatsApp recently and I'm also a professional.

Doesn't mean that you're not being rude. Sorry, Catherine, I'm on, Andrew. Put your tits away. Come on. Let's hear it, Andrew. Okay. So, fingers on lips, Helen. Thank you. Where I work have started a reward scheme for those who aren't off sick between now and the beginning of next year.

Fuck off. The pot is £2,500 split between 42 people. Fuck off. But if someone is sick, it goes to one less and your share goes up. Stop! That's fucked up, right? Yeah, that's evil. Question mark.

That's the question. That's fucked up right. I am furious. Yeah, that's fucked up. Are you serious? What? The literal fuck. Okay.

Hi, M. I'm going to try to stay calm. Is that the end of it? That is it? Yeah, just any thoughts on that? Oh, no. Hello. I'm going to try to stay calm

while I explain my feelings about this, but they are mainly hot fury. That is horrendous. First of all, that is disgraceful and coercive and truly manipulative. Incredibly discriminatory. And A, I hope you have a union. If you don't, you should speak to them.

I hope you have a HR person. And if you do, you should speak to them. it is incredibly unkind it's sexist and shit sorry women get periods men don't a lot of the time like that's often fuck off and fuck you that is so rude

so to essentially incentivize I just say it's dangerous as well like people not going to the doctor people like not taking mental health days when they need them going to work when they couldn't making other people sick because like people often take sick days

so to prohibit like themselves and making other people ill it is so bad just because you've got a good immune system and you can fight a cold doesn't mean that someone you work work with can like just because it's for you it's just a cold for other people it's not just a cold like you have no idea if somebody is like is in the early stages

of pregnancy is on their period has a mental health issue is a human no what I don't even know what I'm doing like like odd situations I'm like situations that are like and intense it's like a human being you want to go to thought park in the middle of the week and you don't want to take a day off and I fucking get it but the people who work for you are not machines they're people they get sick let's do practical stuff. Do we have any idea what industry this is? I don't know what industry is. It definitely seems like an office-type job from some previous problem. Okay, so number one, like HR with one person is tricky, but the numbers is a really

important thing. So try and go with a group as far as unionising goes. Like, you often need to do it through one of the bigger companies that's already set up. So you can contact to find out how your local union rep is. Once again, it is annoyingly a numbers game. But if your office is linked any other offices. If you feel uncomfortable doing it in-house, you can, like, contact other offices and unionise that way. My brother knows quite a lot about this, and I know a little bit through him. So if you are willing to tell us what company it's for, I'd be more than happy to, like, respond personally. And, oh, great. And also put anything in writing with HR as well, like, afterwards send an email that says, like, what was said and what you, like, what the

takeaways were, because, you know, it's good to have a track record of these things. Truly, that is absolutely disgrace. Honestly, I just take the next month off sick. and just like get rid of that bonus so it doesn't no one else has to live for that stress or pressure yeah no no because you just you just can't yourself out of the pot it's if you take a day off you're out of the pot and i just say by the way oh right truly there's an episode on maintenance phase just for you like your peace of mind of like this isn't so they do an episode about um about incentivizing weight loss in the workplace and they talk a lot about how fucking inappropriate it is for your employer to be involved in your health and dictating how it should behave in a way that is like quite relevant to this, I think, and it's a good listen if you're, like, furious about this, and I'm fucking furious about this. But truly, I can't stress enough how appalling that is. And it's like, what they will say to you is, well, we're not saying you can't take a day off, sick for work. We're just incentivizing people not to.

We're just rewarding those who don't. But what you are also saying is, like, the healthy people are more valuable to this company than the people who are human or... You can't say it out loud. Human or occasionally ill or have, like, a disability. But also, like, then what it means is you create this pernicious context. where people are policing each other's health. Yeah. In a way that's so grotesque.

Like, it's so gross to be like, like, either what it puts, people are putting pressure on the people who are sick to take a day off because they want a higher part of the pot. Or people are judgment. I did not even think about that. That one person who really wants a nice holiday this year going around the office being like, you should go home.

Yeah. That looks like that's crazy. Yeah. Or it's like, Like snitching where you're like, I didn't, like, people being like, I wouldn't have been off sick if it wasn't for this person bringing it in. It's just like, create such a toxic work of the face. Or also like, belacing other people's behaviours, whether or not they lead to like positive health outcomes.

Fuck all. It's in an office. There's actually like build a bear and build a bear and it's like nationwide. And then with all the works of the builder bear. A workforce. A single builder bear has a workforce of 42 stars. You never know, Andrew. It's just so wrong.

It's horrible. People are human and should be able to be human and the fear of like Also like it's not just it's not just that like It's abhorrent and diminishes our understanding of people as humans And our fucking empathy like you don't want other people to be thrilled You're sick right like it's such a gross energy to engender We just address the elephant in the room though

The fact that like we're both so like so outraged at this But we both do a career where if we're sick we just don't get paid Yeah it's absolutely but like it's abhorrent like the way that the rest of us were like so comedians like and a lot of things in the arts like if we can't do a gig we don't get paid for the gig so there's an encouragement to work through sickness to go and do shows even though the chance of spreading it is so high because you're sharing a physical microphone like even if it's anti-backed in between like we're breathing into the exact same thing but if you have to take a day off then you just don't get paid I think that part is probably what is touching a nerve here the other thing that's touching a nerve is that there's a like sort of a public shame in it as well

which is like, you're publicly advertised as being there. And you don't show up for work. Everyone is told that you aren't showing up for work. And often they don't explain to customers or your co-workers that you're sick. It's just like, oh, she flaked. And it's like very similar here with like a public announcement because now everyone knows they have a bigger pot. Yeah.

And it seems to be like an announcement of weakness because the strong people are being it's fucking gross. And then you have to go, right? So then everyone knows you're off sick. you then have to like explain is the sense you have to explain yourself to your because why would you be set out of the money suddenly people feel more entitled to ask you

what was wrong with you because if we don't do a job then sometimes our agents lose money as well our agents assistant lose money like the trickle down effect the guilt is huge the pressure is huge and let me tell you like most people do their jobs because they want to do their jobs they want to be good at their job they want to do their best they don't want to let their team down the added pressure by the way if you have any sort of mental illness

any pressure like no me Yeah, no, for sure. But for example, a big issue with me saying I'm sick for work is that, like, if it's my brain, my brain's already telling me I'm an utter piece of shit. To then be told, like, that everyone's going to be asking me tomorrow what was up. It's just fucking, it's just so gross. Yeah. I got something more to say on this.

Can we do it in the extras, though? Yeah. Can I say one last thing? Yeah. It's also, like, obviously there's a privilege thing here, right? So, like, people without disabilities, able-bodied, people are, like, or it's like ablest inherently, right, are obviously going to find this easier to do

because their illnesses might affect them less intensely. But also, like, people who don't have, say, children are going to find this easier because they don't have people coming from nurseries into their home with illnesses. Like, people who have... Chronic nets. I was going to say...

Itchy vaginas, you know? You can't get that itch out of work sometimes. You just need to be at home. I was going to say people with partners have a privilege. right? They have ultimately like somebody to take care of them but there's greater pressure like you know you don't have that if you're saying about people with more money are obviously going to find this easier

because the coercive factor isn't as high like it's fucking gross sorry I'm enraged by that I knew this would enraged at Andrew really good save for the end of the episode to offer a Helen like suggestion oh here we go I think you should all all 42 should take a sick day on the same day and if anyone scabs infect them with something

and it's so much easy to infect people with something. There's so many ways you can get someone food poisoning from like one takeaway like that. Do you know what's the worst part is? You know the worst part is? You would literally say hey, here's a workplace goal. You know that thing that is actually your job? Here's a goal that we'd like you to

achieve by this time. If you do it we will incentivise that by taking you all out for an event that'll cost this much money or we will split this amount of money between you. Not if you fail to be a machine until wait, I just realised the absolute hypocrisy of us right now. Didn't we

We all make a pack last year that none of us would go to A&E for like six weeks. Didn't we like announce that on the podcast and then Andrew got an ambulance within 24 hours? But Helen. We promised none of us will do hospital again. And then you nearly exploded full of shit and Andrew called an ambulance. But Helen, two things. One. We are a drain on the NHS.

It wasn't binding in the way that Andrew felt like he could get an ambulance. He texted us and we were all like, go to the hospital. And B, you and I needed to make that promise because it would be like if the whole office hadn't come in for six months. We're not a good metric. Please carry on. And that's fucking disgraceful.

We just love the hospice. I actually think that has to be somehow illegal. It is. It for sure is. Yeah, surely. That's fucking disgrace. But maybe because it's like an opt-in bonus scheme. They like cover it.

Like it's not compulsory to take part of it. Maybe I'm just wondering. I'm spitballing guys. But it's coer. Oh, listen, it's fucking disgusting. Whoever you are, you employer, you're a piece of shit. Unless you're builder bear in which case we admire your work. That's also the thing.

Like, they're fucking, oh, fuck off. Thank you so much for listening to Trustee Hoggs. Catherine's in a great space right now. There's power in a union. Power in the land. Power in the hands of the worker. And it all amounts to nothing if together. We don't stand.

There is power in a union. Nice. Thank you so much. Listen to trusty hogs. Please give us really good ratings and reviews. We want more on iTunes. We want more on Spotify. Give us YouTube comments and we'll see you next week.

Love you so much. Bye. Bye. Thank you.