Trusty Hogs - Ep8. Big Mouth, Buffets & Boobs

Episode Date: November 18, 2021

Helen and Catherine tackle episode 8 solo this week as they catch up on Helen's Lanzarote trip, Catherine's Shoreham getaway, and share tips on all things from buffets to mental health.Thank you so much for listening! Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more! Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] Please give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socials Be sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Simon Moores / Guy GoodmanPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / SBDubz / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Karen Bull / Harald van Dijk / Kierah Leach / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Lee Myerscough / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Kim Dubhghaill / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Jo Holmes Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's episode eight. It's episode eight. We're definitely sure it's episode eight. We're 100. I feel super confident that it's episode eight. Andrew, is it episode eight? It is episode eight. It's episode eight.

Hello, welcome. You know what? It feels like episode 5009. That's how I feel. That's just how I feel. You're rude? I feel like we've just been in here since the dawn of time. Helen.

Like there's dinosaurs outside. You're so rude. Have you seen the new thing in Marble Arch, that big green mound? Oh yeah, the hill thing. Yeah, very dinosaur. Does it not make you feel like dinosaury? Well, they're still scaffolding on it, so not really. Uh-uh, it's slowly growing over.

Yeah. Okay, cool. So I actually pass that when I go towards yours. Oh, stop coming to my hair. Every time. I love it there. I love so many nice smells. Last time I went to Catherine's, she was like doing that whole like really apologetic thing.

Like, oh my God, it stinks in here, it stinks in here. It just smelled like roasted garlic. It was a fucking dream. Like, I love that smell. You know, people like what I hate. I'd been cooking. Garlic is such a good turn-on smell for me. I do love it, but it's like if you walk in and it's like whack

and you're like, well, does she know their house? It was like being in the kitchen of a Bella Italia, but a nice Bellar Italia. Like the Bella Italia in the lanes in Brighton, you know? That's nice. So specific. Nice Bella Italia. Through the fog, step for the trusty hogs.

Yeah, you're going to give them your problems and they will solve that. Or maybe they'll. won't and that's your problem they'll have guests and Andrew White on the tech oh it's Helen and Catherine as the trusty hugs trust the trusty hogs or maybe not hey it's episode a this week we're not having a guest it's just the two of us because we I just prefer it this way no don't say that we're very gracious to our guests no just say that thank you for being our guest We want more guests. It's so nice just to not have someone else to deal with.

The personalities are just so much. And for me, I feel like this is a very calm and cleansing space. Yeah, is that why you feel like we're on episode 509? Because it's so calming. Genuinely, so calming. Like, I feel like I could sleep through an episode and then I just wake up or on episode a thousand. Absolutely not. Zen, baby.

Can you think of anything less plausible than someone writing in and being like, I use trusty hogs to go to sleep? You never know. No, you do know, you do know, though. Please let me know if I am your calming sleep voice. If people were like, I listen. Wake up! The world's burning!

If people were like, I use this podcast to stay awake because I do long hauled drives. Do you remember that thing you for? That checks it. Yeah. Everyone knows your shame. Sometimes because we released 24 hours early for patrons, I end up editing quite late at night and I do not need coffee. No, no, exactly.

exactly oh my gosh also I love that earlier on Helen was like the podcast when you put it on mute sort of looks like we're like truth tellers like we're just like I think it does the clip and then you like turn the sound of and it's like oh it's just two women in denial it's just two women in major denial there's no truth being told at all absolutely not welcome to trusty hogs we're so glad to have you here let me tell my truth I mean part of the reason we're doing just the two of us is because I'm just back from holiday and I'm going to catch up yes I know and also we no longer speak to each other outside of the realms of the podcast because it's like oh you're just tell me there. That's bullshit. That's true. You text me and I respond sometimes. Sometimes you respond. I'm very communicative.

I'm very communicative. You are. You're so sweet. Tell me please about your holiday. You went to Lanzarotti. How was it? I went Rottie. I went Rottie, guys.

Wait, is that. No, just Lanzar Raleigh. Playa Blanca. Playa Blanca. I did. Have you been? I've been there with my parents. Lots of retired people.

A lovely time. Oh my God. We loved the retired people. That was definitely a joke. German coach trip at our hotel. I'll bet they were so annoyed you were there. Hated it. Yeah.

That makes them. Hated it. That checks out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We, it was just, it was amazing. It was so epic. So how long did you go for? Five nights, six days.

Who'd you go with? My friend Francis. Oh yeah. We know Francis. So you went on holiday and what do you do all day? Okay. You know when people like crush it on holiday? We crushed it.

You won the holiday? Was it all enclosed? It rushed it. No. Oh, okay. I know, no, no, no, right. You pay for all-inclusive. We got just breakfast.

Oh, nice. But on the first night in Lanzarotti, when in the Canary Islands, you've got to eat correctly, right? So we've got a Chinese takeaway. What? Night one, Chinese takeaway took it back to the hotel. So we had the Tupperware for the breakfast buffet the following morning. She's actually very smart.

Because we're fucking smart as shit. That's actually very smart. So then, like, cut forward to us washing our tupperware in the little sink in the hotel. Oh my God, Ellen. One second. I'm trying to like clean like crispy chili fine beef, like residue in Greece. Yes, I don't understand. It's not that expensive to eat in Lanzarotti.

Like, what were you stealing from the hotel breakfast? So we had enough for lunch so we wouldn't have to move until the evening. Okay, I respect it. So we made sandwiches. They had a really good pastry selection. We're talking muffins, mini-cressants, mini-danishes. Did the staff not notice you fucking packing up a lunch? They probably did.

But like, what are they going to do? We paid for breakfast. breakfast. We paid for. Also, as someone who has worked a hotel buffet, breakfast buffet before, I used to work at the Marriott courtyard in Berlin on Axel Springerstrasse. And people would ask for bags to take food away from the buffet. And we have to say yes. It's like anything you want. Yes. Yes. So like you can take it away. And like it's fine. It's saving food. Yeah. And it was a really good breakfast buffet. There was a fresh orange juice machine. Like are you dying? That's not that in the Tupperware.

Uh-uh. We just loaded up on it so we had like acid reflux and hold it. Really bad. Acid reflux. What are you making like muffin and melon sandwiches? No, no. We'd like have like two boxes which were for like sweet things and pastries. Yeah.

And then we'd have like two for like sandwiches and like bits and bugs. Pretty much. And then woke up my orangey burp. This is a thing. We fucked up. Horrible. Breakfast the first three days because we were too over-excited by the buffet. Right.

Like on the first day, we were looking around. We were like, oh, so much. So I, like, loaded up and France just came back looking super confused, just holding a bowl of beans. Like a cereal bar full of baked beans. And I was like, I don't know. And I was like, I don't know either. So just like popped it down on the table. Did you get overwhelmed?

Yeah. And also because I was like so excited to be playing Pokemon in a different country. So I was like desperately trying to like spin all the poke stops at breakfast. and like feed on my Pokemon and then I was trying to like make sure I had enough salmon so I was getting my money back that we were just like

really like really overwhelmed and then she was like there's mini hash browns we were like fucking mini hash browns it turned up to be chicken nuggets then we had to eat like 10 chicken nuggets to eat with a bowl of beans

oh my god it's such idiots we just got so yeah so lost so in the next morning we were like okay we go down calm start with a bowl of like

fruit and cereal. I was going to say you have to strategize with the buffet. So you go fruit and cereal first. We were good at the takeaway. So we sat down we got our coffee which we then spill everywhere. Also day two you had your lunchboxes so you knew it wasn't going to be over just because it was over.

Way calmer. Way calmer. Okay so tell me so you have your sticky beef chili beef lunch boxes. Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah. It's like tasted like Chinese food with the croissant. Yeah lovely, delicious. which was so good. A fusion. A fusion.

Lovely. It's Pan Asian. Yeah, it's Pan Asian. It's delicious. Pan Asian is the canaria. But then we come down and then we were like mixing cereals so then I would like get some yogurt and some special K and cocoa pops. And then like there were like all these nuts and seeds and we were like, let's do it.

And we didn't know what half the fruit was because it was like not an apple. we're just like loading it on just to clarify on your camera days of the buffet this is the better days you mixed cocoa pop yes seeds yes nuts yogurts special cake yes and that was your camer day yes you're understanding me correctly and some melon in the same bowl yeah in the same bowl and then we'd go up and do our rounds of the hot food but there were like three different breakfast buffets right so we had to go around they were all based off the same thing thing. Okay.

Hang on, what kind of buffet we're talking? When you say hot food are we talking eggs, beans, sausages, rashes,

bacon. Baby, we're talking English bacon, streaky bacon, sausages, chorizo. You could get an

omelet made. Oh my God. Is there also at this place, now I'm hungry, is there like a cheese section? There's a cheese section. That was a fucking

cheese section. There was even a plate of Quinn's jelly out. I mean, we didn't have it, but it was there. I love Quinn. I know,

but there was cheddar. So I was like, uh. Okay, fine. Yeah, yeah, fine, okay, whatever. Just making, like, my own sort of sausage-egg McMuffin breakfast. I was the only person who would go to Spain and be like, oh, Manchego and Quince.

No, thank you. You got to eat proper. Let's get Chinese. Chinese food and some children. But it was magical. We would just spend the days, like, chilling. We went on a walk. One walk.

What? I planned the walk because I thought I'd have my Pokemon open the whole time in my pocket. But I ran out a signal because we went into like a old volcano that's no longer vulcaning. so like my phone just blanked out a signal so the walk was pointless so then the whole journey back I was like it's a fucking stupid idea so can I just check in you went on one walk in six days

I'd say we walk to dinner each night apart from when we ordered Chinese takeaway in yeah how far away was dinner yeah like like a two minute oh okay yeah big week big week depressed well did you have a good time

I had the best time and I brought you both guests what? No you didn't I did Is it in a lunchbox? You're going to lose your mind. No, because Francis, stay on. I would actually love a tough wear of Churicea right now. I'm very hungry.

What's wrong with you? I would love if I brought that back for you. I would be rotting by now, surely. It'd have been eaten by now. Yeah, that's true. You might be traveling around Teresa and not like eating it. I can't believe you got to give. Can you both just close your eyes and I'll bring one to you under?

I have to keep teching, but. No, no, you have to close your eyes. I'll close my eyes. Sorry if the, if something gets very bad. This is worth it for the moment. No, Andrew, can't maybe keep one eye open because... No, no, no.

I'm putting my hand out, but I'm worried. Is it sticky? I'll switch to the MECAM and then you can put it in my hands. There's one for you. Wait, Catherine, I'm coming. Can I open... Okay.

I've opened my eye, don't know. What is it? That is adorable. Open. Open. It's... That's fantastic. Do you love it?

Are you dying? I'm a big fan. I know. Isn't it great? They've got lists. on them. Do you know hear something funny? Didn't see a lizard? How lull is that? That's so funny.

It's in the shape of a flip-flop. Thank you. Oh no, mine's a shell. Yeah, you've got a shell. Mine's a flip-flop. Yeah, they were six for five euros. It's not bad. You paid money for these.

Yeah. Mine's a flip-flop, Andrew, that looks like it has been worn. And it's glittery and it's got a lizard on it. I can't wait to put it. Let me give the YouTube view as a really good view. Which way, where are you putting it up to? Okay, sorry.

All right, no, no, you're, there we go. Thank you. For the benefit of the listener, Catherine is really nonplussed with this gift. She loves it. I'm delighted. Thank you. She loves it.

Andrew, you love yours too. I do, but unfortunately me and Sam have a no tat rule in our house, so I will have to put it on my mom's fridge. But it will be on a fridge. It's just not my fridge. Oh, that's fucking savage. He was meaner better than I was. No tattoo.

I think you're a one, Andrew. Yeah, sure. It's not tan. I'm looking it over to you. One second. It's pure quality. That was made in China, babe. I actually think Andrews is nicer than mine.

What the fuck is that? I think that's nicer and less tatty. Andrew, you can put that in your flat. It is really nice. I've also bought one for Rosie Jones. I haven't given it to her yet, but it's a woman with massive tits. Lucky.

Why did I get a tipped one? And the tits one. The tits jig. when you should when you open the fridge me and katherine famously loved it what are you doing i thought you'd want matching lizards because of like nature thanks and the environment thank you so welcome and what's great is i'll know if you have it up or not genuinely thank you helena we'll put it on the fridge you're so welcome we'll make an exception yeah i think it's so it's not tat like it's clearly like an exotic gift yeah do you know what i mean

Also, I've got three for myself at home, so, you know. Thank you for this 80s. Daniel liked them. No, he fucking didn't. He didn't say he didn't. Did he say he liked them? He sort of just left the room. Did he sigh heavily?

He said he was going to his room and closed the door. Is that how you go through life, just like, silence, just like, oh my God, they loved it. They love me. Can I just say, I just looked for too long directly at mine and it actually gave me a bit of a headache. Careful. Be careful with that. You're so. welcome you guys are so welcome

oh my god we should because it's so beautiful and reminiscent of our friendship maybe we should keep it as a decoration for the podcast no no take it home I'll bring another one from home in maybe it should be for the podcast no you don't worry I'll bring it up maybe it should be for the pot oh lovely I think that looks amazing

oh it's a bit unbalanced can I put mine on it yeah you should put yours in too Andrew this is perfect it's going to decorate the podcast room lovely I love that yes dolly loves them thank you so much Helen. I actually might just take them home with me.

And when we've got like a thousand patrons, I'm just going to send them to the thousandth Patreon. Because I just feel like you guys just don't respect this. Do you know what it's like is we're like parents taking home like shit past her art? I didn't make it myself, Andrew. I bought it. That's worse. You paid for this year.

I bought it with my hard-darned money. Helen, I think that's a really good idea. If we get to a thousand patrons and we would fucking love that, Helen will send these to you. And in the meantime, they'll decorate the podcast room. Thank you, Helen. Find out to Patreon, I guess. This is the worst part of my holiday so far.

Thank you, Helen. What a lovely gift from Helen. This is bullshit. Also, one night on the holiday, I've got a video of it. I'm going to know. Oh, you have a video of it. I don't want that. No, we didn't get laid.

We sort of just very much like, I mean, fancy in a relationship. And also, it was very much like a let's hang out. Like, we're really close mates. We haven't seen each other because of lockdown that much. If you're going to have a sex as anybody, it would be friends. A handy person. I mean we did pay to share a bed

We shared a bed Why that won't have been necessary No it was necessary We like being close Apart from I did snore so much one night That she was like Right I'm going for a cigarette And I need you to figure this out

And I was like trying to figure out like an angle Where do I not snore? It's so hard isn't it Because like obviously I snore too And you don't mean to This thing you don't know And she's so lush with it But I was like she's like

You can have to try a different angle And I was like But you know when you're like, I don't, you're trying to figure out like where you're breathing clearer when you're awake, but it's not that. Can I tell you at the start of my relationship, I'm like, oh, it's so sweet because you don't look like a snorer. I'm sure you get that a lot.

Never. No, I didn't think so. And then she was like, oh, it's kind of sweet because you look so angelic, but then you sound so loud. And then she's like, but it's fine because like when I push you over to your side, you immediately stop and you always roll politely. And I was like, okay, great. That's the thing.

You can't really roll me because my tits don't know where to go. Okay, yeah, so not a problem I have... The clap of them. So this is the first, like, first month, she's like, it's so cute, you look adorable, but you sound terrible, but it's fine, because I roll you. Then, like, six months in, she sent me this article that was, like, statistically, snoring is, like, one of the biggest factors in causing divorce. And now it's, like, it's not like, hey, hon, can you roll over it?

It's, like, she elbows me in the ribs and is like, you're snoring! And I'm like, okay. So I do think it's becoming more of an... But I feel like I'm not a consistent snorer anymore either. Like I have definitely like gone out with friends and like stayed over and they've been like, you don't snore. You said you'd snore. Yeah, I'm sporadic.

That's the thing. I can't even like. So I try and warn people and then they're like, no, you didn't. But I think it depends on the person if they've got like a sensitive ear. If they're not sleeping very well, then obviously it's going to be fucking annoying. No, I do think it also depends on like if I have a cold. If I have like if it's hay fever season, if I've had loads of wine. Also, we've had COVID since the beginning of COVID.

So like we. What? No? Huh? I haven't had co- What do you? Huh? I thought we all had it

and we were all just like lolling. What? No? Me neither then. Loll! It alarmed me that I don't think you would have, like, would you have told me if you got COVID? Obviously.

Okay. I will say it was I was very surprised at. I have not left the country since. Would you have told me? The beginning of 20, like January, I 100% would have told you. Okay, thank you. I haven't left the country from beginning 2020. And I was like, oh, so we're going to happen.

So we took loads of tests with us. and stuff just to be like extra safe we weren't required to do any of them you just to fill in a form saying you don't have it which we were like we don't we've tested but like how many people hand and heart are doing this and it's like you're on an airplane with them and I read all this stuff so like I had the aircon on the whole time because apparently it's better because it circulates it away from you and stuff like that so it's like trying all those things and then I did test when I came back so they do expect to do a two day back test but it's like I'm not waiting two days that feels mad it's like it's like One before you get on the plane, one when you get, right? Oh, and people are just like chowing down on the planes, coughing up beside you, like shouting at each other. And you're like, wow, nobody gets, nobody cares, nobody cares. I had a panini in the air on Ryanair. No. Well, I'm glad you had a good time, my sweet.

You deserved a holiday. I loved it. I'm going to do another one really soon, I think. I think this might be the new me. Just a holiday gal? Just going in pools. In that case, please do. Also.

kind of for Patreon. We do need a holiday money for a hell. Also, I caught, no, no, it's all right. I just, you just, what you do is you just don't pay a cancel tax. I know, hell, no, no. Also, I'm not you to be able to go on a holiday where you don't have to bring sticky beef lunchboxes to the breakfast buffet. I want that for you. No, but I still, okay, obviously it would be really nice to go on holiday somewhere

where you can afford to get every meal. I could have, it's just that I'm not earning enough to like take the piss. Oh, I take my lunchbox. Also, just for anyone who does struggle with breakfast buffets, like, do order a Chinese in your first night away. Yeah, apparently that's the solution. Catherine,

the rumors happen that you're going on tour. The rumors are correct. It's just on my face. Wow, that rumor mill is really getting... One second, one second, one second. Hey Catherine Hey Catherine Mary Joseph Bohart Tell us about your tour

I'd love to thank you Helen I am going on tour in the new year The Tour show is called This Isn't for you But I would absolutely love everyone to come Please you I'm going to Lester I'm going to be in Soho Theatre for two weeks

That's when I'm going to come I'm thinking either London Soho Theatre I am feeling a bit of cork Because I've never been Come to cork I'm also going to Cambridge I'm going to Crawley I'm going to Oldershot,

Dublin. Oh my God, Oldershot is like next to where I grew up. I'm coming Oldershire. Come there. I'm not going to Oldership. It's called Oldership. No.

I'm going to Oxford, Corsham, Birmingham. I'm going to Bath, Brighton, Bristol, Leeds, Sheffield, Liverpool, Northampton, Nottingham and Newcastle. Which one are you most excited for? Just tell me. I'm actually really excited. I'm also going to Glasgow and Edinburgh,

which I always love to. And I'm also going back to Salford. I did the Lowry on my last tour and I loved it. I'll be at all of this. But I'm excited. for all of the tour dates, please come. There are so many tickets left on sale.

Well, there's only just gone on sale, but seriously, book in advance. Book and they are available. It's catherine bowhart.com and I am, I'll be, oh yeah, I'll be wherever you are or near you. I will be at the Soho Theatre and I think I might chuck in a Newcastle as well. I'm holding you to it. I'm holding you to it. Please come.

I would love to be there. I think it's my best show or going to be my best show. I mean, it better be. If otherwise you're just getting worse. Which is like, that's not a good option, is it? Like, if you're not getting better, you're getting worse. Please come to my tour show. This isn't for you.

Catherine Beahart.com. I would really love to do. Do you talk about America's next top model, isn't it? I can. Good. I'll attend. I bring my own lunchboxes. You know when you go to gig at the gleeze and you get breakfast, but you don't get lunch?

Yeah. I always bring a lunchbox and bring that for, like, the hotel room. Or you say there's two of you. And that can I please take a full breakfast? up to my room with me. Oh, I've never done that. Oh, yeah, no, me neither. Who does that?

That's crazy. That's mental. I really want to tell you about something. I got really over-excited one night on holiday, and I think I'd had a bit too much sugar. And you know, when you're a little bit like, like eyes are all over the place. Based on everything you've told me, that would have been every morning after breakfast.

So I was like, I spent about three hours trying to perfect an impression of the birds in Snow White who help her make the pie. What? Why? No, I don't. First, this is like reading a book and I was like, he he, he, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Like, jumping around.

Like, could you imagine if one of the birds wasn't one of the, like, sweet little birds that sings one? It was just all like, hello, hello, you need help with your pie. Boom, boom, blah, boom. And so I'd be like, ah, I've got to be nice because my character's nice,

but like, I don't want this to help with my pie. No, I just jumping on the crust and it all falling everywhere. And then costume-wise, I didn't have like a bird costume with me because I was on a holiday. A, whereas at home I've got a lot. So I like took the sleeves off my dress to make it into little wings and was holding it. But I didn't have a bra on. Question, were the sleeves?

Yes. Or did you cut them off? No, I sort of like went out the top of them. So it was just like a boob tube with and I was holding the sleeves. Oh, okay. So then my arm was the top of the wing. My bingo wing was the mass of the wing. and the sleeve was the bottom of the wing.

Sure, yeah. And this was for the Kids Club talent show. No, this was just for Francis. Oh, my God. Was there any good holiday? I mean, that's so alarming. And I don't know. Did Frances feel relaxed or more tense at the end of the holiday?

So chill. Uh-huh. So chill. Question. She stayed on for three extra days. Yeah, I'll bet. Yeah. Did she do.

She did. And then it was like, she's flying back today. Yeah. Yeah. She deserves it. Treat yourself, Francis. Any good, I love the hotel entertainment.

Okay, so there was a singer at sporadic times and clearly a dance floor that we never saw used. And then we were next to these two bars and they both had evening singers. And one night, it wasn't Elvis impersonator. No, that's so good. I went to Lanzarotti and all I got was Adele. Elvis is so much better because bad Elvis is funny.

Bad Adele is insulting. No. Yes. No, we were lucky. We were very lucky. key very blessed was the Elvis impersonator a man or a woman man okay and would you think age appropriate yeah I'd say bang on oh my god amazing I mean Elvis went through a lot of different ages not so much the late he is because he had that trip to the toilet yeah no we got it

yeah yeah because he died yeah yeah thank you RIP and was this guy any good at singing Elvis he was fine they were all fine they're always fine they're always fine it was good it was really pleasing because he was singing like a a really emotional soft Elvis song and then the next bar had like a rock trio and they both bled

into each other slightly and there was a cat that lived at our hotel that looked really like cute and it was sleeping in the sun every day and then we saw a hedgehog and Francis lost it

because she's never seen a hedgehog or something so we were both really excited about the hedgehog and then I came home that's a lot Helen, it was amazing I'm gonna be doing it

every week from now on once Wow. Okay, well, I support you. I'm thinking Alacante. It's a bit of a commute, but I respect you. No, it's not, my love. It's not. It's the same as length of time it takes me to get Runkorn,

and you know how many times I go Runkorn. That's true. Do you love Runkorn? If I go Runkorn, then I might as well go Alacante. I love it. I fucking love it. And I put on sun cream every day, and I'm super tanned. Gorgeous.

I love that. Well, done you. Okay. What have you been doing with your life? Wow, what have I been doing? Apart from receiving amazing gifts. Do you know something? Yes, thank you for my gorgeous flip-flop.

I have always wanted a singular flip-flop glitter. To stick on my fridge. And a lizard. What have I been doing? Do you know something? The weather has... You don't need to stick it. It's a magnet.

No, Connor. Thank you so much for that. So on the flip side, I would say I... The weather has changed here. You were away in the sun, but my goodness me, it's suddenly winter big time. Clocks have changed. It's super depressed. My nose has been dripping since I landed the whole time.

You should get that checked out. Like a fucking tap. You should get that checked out. That's not right or normal. Okay. And you took that test and you were fine? 100%. Okay.

Oh my God. Please stop. Please. Gross. Why would you do that? Why? Why? I don't know why I do these things.

I don't know. My dad's never hugged me. And it's sort of like an attention. thing, and I don't know whether it's positive or negative attention, but I do them and I don't know, I don't like myself. I don't like myself. And sometimes I act out and I don't mean it. I told a group of people yesterday that my labia went down to my knees. And I don't know. I freaked out. There was a pause in conversation. I was like, better, better fill it. Gotta fill the paws. And I was like, yeah, I've got this long labia, which I do. It's long, but it's not to my knees. It's not that long. It's not to my knees. It's not to your knees. And then I was like, oh, I tuck it down each end of the jeans. And they went, what? And I went, anyone got any nice plans for Christmas? And then it was just, it was awful.

It was awful. I was painted gold. Who were these people? Oh my God. That's what I need to explain. So I went on a week. Okay. Just to, just to, first of all, I've seen Helen's labia.

They're not that long. I didn't ask them. They're, they're certainly present. They're front facing, I'd say. Forward thinking. They're, you know, they're in your face. Leaders of tomorrow. Yeah.

Exactly. Lost leaders. Malala and Greta. Yeah. I'm not exactly. No, but like bang on. Yeah. Anyway, I suppose,

never mind. Not getting into the color of your labia. The point is this. The color of purple. I wonder for musical. Okay. The color purple is not how we're referring to your vagina. We've been over this.

We have done this, had this conversation before, which is what's most upsetting about it. But I went for a weekend to my friends in showroom. You did. Because I needed a break. I needed a little break. I needed to stop thinking about work.

I was feeling very anxious. I was like, you know what? I'm going to go to the sea for the day. I got up. We went in the sea, Rihanna and I. Amazing. Mother nature washes away. It was so cold.

Like, I'm a strong swimmer. I love going in the sea, but I have not been in the sea in November before. That'll shock you. Fucking hell. Also, Reed does it every day. No, I wasn't in there for long enough. It was like, that shock.

Like, it hits your chest. And I thought I'd be chill. I was like, I can do this. And I was like, speak. And she was like, okay, Catherine, just come this way. And I was like, oh God, I'm really embarrassing myself because she's telling me which direction to swim in. This is so embarrassing. No, but it's to shock your brain freezers, no? But it was a thrill. Anyway, that felt like it cleansed my soul a bit. And I was about to have a lovely day with her and her kids. And I'm walking

to town. And Shoreham's really quiet usually, right? So I was an empty town. Yeah. So I was like pottering along, pootling along. And suddenly we see an extinction rebellion protest, which is more than ever happens in Shoreham when I'm there usually so we were like wow this is a lot this is cool let's check it out explain to the kids very exciting then the cadets come out and we were like what the how the cadets doing here that's a bit intense

but it's no vampire poppy season it's all getting very busy up in Shoreham then we see a like first of all there's a band playing as well alongside this out comes a band with the trombone and we're like bloody hell it's all kicking off in Shoreham today the Extension Rebellion saxophonists were in full forth

then they actually were that Then Reallant's like The kids are so excited This is so much But oh my god Is that a sign for a magician? And I was like It actually is

There's a street magic It's going to happen The kids were so excited Out from behind me Andrew comes the street magician Walking at pace Like absolutely at pace And I was like

Oh my God I know that magician Which is such a weird thing to say I was like So the magician The magician's a power walking by me, but I know him, so I'm like, Senil!

Hey, Senil, Helen's housemaid, Seneal! He ignores me. I've ever been blanked by a magician in front of the cadets? While screaming the name on repeat. Because they don't know it's a comedian either. You've just shamefully admitted to knowing a magician. So embarrassing. Yes, the cadets are embarrassed for me because I'm like, Sineal, Sineal, Sineal.

Try to show off to your friends. I actually know that a magician. I know the magician. I actually know that middle-aged position. I'm also like processing. Is Sineal a magician at the weekend? This is crazy. Does he come to shore him to do magic?

He goes south coast and just tricks. But he ignores me. Anyway, he gets to a side street all the way across the road and he turns around and he goes, Hey, Catherine. I'm like, you fucking heard me? Why are you ignoring me? Turns out Sineal's being filmed.

I'm just ruining the shop by being like, Sineal, Sineal. Really ruined it. Yeah. So then my friends have to tell their kids there's no street magician. Sineal's just a fake magician being filmed. Anyhew, I get a phone.

call at that moment from Helen Bauer. I'm like, this supposed to be my weekend off, but fine, I'll answer. You did, you, well, I took my sweet time. I could see you. I was up, right, so give this context. I was filming something with Seneal and huge Davies and a group of people. It'll be out

at some point, I don't really know what I can and can't say. I was not, but I was free and insure him that weekend, but I was, more painful. I was above an antique shop with some of the cameramen who were filming down on the street, very candid camera style. Yeah. And, And I saw this woman and I was like, that's so weird.

She looks so much like Catherine. Oh my God. She's got the same quote as Catherine. That's mad. And then eventually one of the other comics I was with Shanaid Parker was like, that is Catherine about her. And I was like, what the fuck? So I called.

Catherine got her phone out, looked at her. And I said to Shnade, so embarrassing because she doesn't answer or something. And Catherine went, continued her conversation, wrapped it up and then went, hey. Well, I had to explain to them. There's not going to be any magic. And then I was like, and also Helen's calling, so I'll be an hour. So then I had to answer. And then you were like lock up.

And I was like, what? And there you were. Waving from an antique shop. It was so intense. Anyway, you guys come down and I was like, what the hell you're filming? But Huge Davies said the funniest thing. He was like, yeah, we needed like a town that no one visits for the weekend. So we chose Shoreham and here you are visiting.

No one visits Shoreham in November. It's so cheap. And it's such a wind trap. I was there to see my friends. Anyway, their son is obsessed with Pokemon. I love him. Ellen managed, in virtue of showing him Pokemon Go for the first time.

His parents had never shown him and you were like, here it is. And they were like, no. You can spend me of your parents' money buying extra gifts on this. They were like, goodbye, son. I don't think I really spoke to you or your adult friends.

I was on the floor. Yeah. Just like, let's catch some pokies. Anyway, Frank thought and believed fundamentally that he had met a real Pokemon. Well, I told him he had. Yeah, I know. It wasn't a case of him

coming up with him by himself. I can't believe we met somebody from Team Rocket. This is crazy. Oh, no, I made it very clear. He's thick as shit sometimes. I was no, I was super clear to the little five-year-old that we were battling Team Rocket and that I was a trainer. You do have Team Rocket vibes though.

Wow. Thank you very much. And then I made a Pokemon cake with Frank later in the day and I sent you a picture and I thought it was pretty average. but you were actually pretty impressed and that made me feel better and yeah it was a real day

so that was me trying to have a break that was my holiday I loved it I loved that day I was trying to have break you know what I was trying to have break because bloody hell I find the winter sads pretty intense

the seasonal effective disorder yeah I think I was feeling bad before and then the winter has like made it I'm so anxious at the minute and also like yeah I don't know if anybody else has um I the NHS is incredible but bloody hell this country's shit at mental health services and I think I rang looking for it is this too is this too real for a podcast?

No I just think it's such a tricky thing to discuss because like the NHS is amazing and you if you are struggling you should reach out to them however it is a long process and it is tricky so I think we're just going to caveat by this by saying like the NHS isn't the only option there are other like talking therapies and free therapies that you can access is. It is tricky, but they are accessible. And also, it's so hard to tell when you're going to be in crisis or in desperately need of emergency help. But if you feel yourself slipping and struggling and are able to reach out to people, it is easier to reach out early than it is later. Well, that's the thing. I wish I had reached out earlier because I sort of like,

I made a call to my doctor in August. And then I'm getting my first check-in phone call with some. somebody to assess whether or not I can get the service on Monday. And I'm like, oh my God, this has been a long time. And look, like, I'm very lucky. I'm able to advocate for myself. I'm able to recognize when I need help. But also I've just been feeling super anxious.

And it's so funny. I think I'm trying to talk about this on stage, but like, I feel like I, until 2019 was sort of like, oh, I was a person who had OCD and now has OCD under control. But like, it's super on it. I was doing all the things I was needed to do. And then pandemic really fucked with it, especially like going back out into the world. I didn't realize how much I got back into old bad habits

because I had my little tiny space that I could control. And now I'm going back into the world. And I'm like, huh, I wonder what that could be. That horrible feeling of, hmm. I wouldn't. And it's like, but I think also like, not to guess it. But also like, I think OCD and then also the pandemic

and this germ sort of a thing, like it is going to fuck with it more than other like mental health disorders at that point. A hundred percent and then like yeah I think I just haven't been feeling that's not very funny I haven't been feeling great but it doesn't have to be funny because it's not but like I think a lot of our listeners

will empathize or understand that or at least have someone that they know who has gone through something like this and also like it's so easy for all of us mental health disorders to when we come out of a horrible patch to be like oh good okay good so I've done that now and that part speaks but these things are cyclical they come round and round.

It's so boring though. Do you ever get bored? The winter does affect it. Is it like this? I mean, do you have a lamp? I have one of the sad lamps. Me too.

Do you have an infrared setting? No. I'm not joking. There's like sad lamps. I've got one where it's like it's light for the morning and then it can go infrared in the evening. And so you can sort of like get like it's a calming one for bedtime. Because that bright light is really hard in the evenings.

I think anyone who's like worked with that. Also. little Dr. Helen here. I am not a trained mental health professional. I am not trained. I'm not fully trained. That doesn't feel like a caveat. Yo, what have you done so far, training-wise, Helen?

Tell us more. I read an article of WebMD. I read an article of WebMD. I half read it. I was watching America's Next Top Model and it was on my screen. Helen said we recently discovered mental health issues and now she's a fucking expert.

Oh my God. You know what the thing is as well? It's so boring. I know all the things I have to do. I think I'm just bored of my own brain. I'm like, my own brain is so cruel to me. Then allow it to be. Like, I definitely have leaned into despair many times over the year.

I don't think that helps me. I think what has helped me, okay, I'm going to say something. You're going to laugh at my face. If you're going to say felting a bear, I won't lose my mind. No, I'm not. Running helps me. But also what I was going to say is this weekend,

I watched all of Big Mouse. I haven't seen the new season yet. They make one decision that I'm not comfortable with, but the rest I loved. There's more songs this time, and I'm not against it. Amazing. Also, there's a scene where, you know, I can't spoil it. We'll talk when you've seen it. Okay, well, I'll just watch it tonight.

It's either that or your Prime special, so I'll just watch Big Mouth. Wow. Amazon Prime is called Immaculate. It's flawless. Do you want to explain what Big Mouth is if people haven't heard of it? Yeah, Big Mouth is a cartoon based on, which, okay, first of all, I don't watch cartoons. I don't watch child cartoons. I do.

But I love Big Mouth. It's because Big Night is based on, like, puberty, essentially. And it's just, oh, my God, it's so funny. And it's written by the most amazing comics. And Jack Knight writes a lot of this series, and I think it's really, really good. Just follows a couple of kids going through the early stages of puberty from the, going back to season one.

And they have things called puberty monsters, and they can also have, like, a depression kitty or an anxiety mosquito. And they sort of, like, represent different things. And it's just delightful and amazing. And so good, particularly the episode where they're all encouraged to get naked, the women in the bath together with the mum so good

so good so good so one of the things that I like just I don't know this sounds really lame but I was watching it and I was like

God our brains are just so unkind to ourselves but also they're not objective they're so singularly cruel and so and so they create such an alienation between you and the real world

like I think I was having this thing lately with everyone where I was like do they hate me do they hate me like I would speaking of we were talking about they don't

And I love you. Oh, thanks. But like, I like, it's really bad when it filters into like work and things where you're like, I won't call my agent because I'm being weird. Am I being weird? Am I being weird after every call? So then I was like, oh, God, I've got to get this together.

But what am I trying to say? I'm trying to say. You're just talking it through. You don't have to be saying anything. Yeah, I'm just. Not everything has to round out into a point. Mental health issues are really hard. They suck.

Like, how are you with communicating with friends and family about them? Well, not great because I tend to, feel like I'm putting a burden on people or also like I get that yeah yeah we're also like I'm boring like we've done this already like didn't like you only get one chance to be the mentally ill one in the group yeah it's like oh my god she's mentally ill again oh it's joanne's turn yeah that really is what I feel that really and joanne seems fine and it's like come on joan get over where can it be I need to try pass the doobie to the left the ultimate mental health circle but yeah

I get that I feel like you're like putting a burden on them like you're putting on due pressure on them and it's like but it's so important to communicate it as well and also the right people

will not make you feel that way and if you do feel that way it is trying to separate the intrusive thought from the thought thought and that is so tricky to do so hard so hard

also when I feel down I find it I get really bad insomnia which I've had a lot so then I'm not sleeping then I'm not rational you're not listening to this when you go to bad. I know. Can you believe it? It's crazy.

But listen, all of that is to say, I guess I'm just having like a slightly hard time, but who isn't? And it's the winter. And if you are, you're not by yourself. And I hope you're okay. And I hope you have people you can talk to about it. And I hope you have something that... The thing is, like, there's also you can know things make you feel better

and still find them incredibly energy-sapping to do. I'm sorry. I'm literally just taking friendship notes in my head. The next time Catherine mentions Big Math, thought, we're like, are you okay? What's going on in the inside? It's going to feel me up. It's such a trigger. It's such a trigger for her.

I wish you could see that Helen is literally just putting her hand on my chest being like, are you okay? And it's like, not now. No, not now. On the inside. On the deep down. Also, as if Helen, you fucking hate when you're, like, if you're feeling bad and I'm like, how are you?

Oh, I hate you. But the thing is, my trick is really obvious. Like, whenever I start watching Gilmore Girls again, which I've done about eight times in my life, my friends are like, gather around her, gather around her. Because every watching, I become more sympathetic with Emily and start going off Lorelei. I'll just tell you something that's so funny

because, okay, maybe this is TMI and maybe this is somebody else's truth that I'm sharing, but I'm just going to say it. When I was broken up with last year, we still shared a Netflix account for a while, by which I mean I kept using hers. And it seemed like online she was doing so great. Like I was like, there's no consequences for this person.

They seem to have, like, dropped me and their life got infinitely better. I'm a piece of shit. but then for like a brief period all she was watching was Gilmore Girls and I was like oh no it's fine she's having a terrible time and that's not to say

the Gilmore Girls isn't the most incredible show I love it so much but you don't watch it when you're having a good time no no no it's a panic show it's a panic yeah it's cool she you know she's feeling some pain we're good we're good we're fine we're fine we're fine and then I got my I was going to say I got my own Netflix account that's not true then my very good friend Georgie

let me use hers and now I just watch I just have that, so I have some privacy. But I think TV and film is a great sort of escape from yourself because I find when I'm feeling down, obviously my main trigger is people saying, Hey, how are you? Are you okay? And I'm like, you hate that. I have the same reaction I did when I was little

and I'd fall over and I'd be fine. And then like a dinner lady would be like, what happened? I'm like, oh, you got no idea. It was 1914, I was in the trenches. But also, why are your only friends the dinner ladies? The only ones that would ask. The rest of the kids were like, oh, Nitty Helen's on the floor again. But in a scenario where I thought you'd be like, my mom would say, or my friend would say, you were like, my parental friend, the dinner lady would ask if I was alright.

But what used to be a graze on my knee when I was younger and someone go, are you okay? And I would like cry like that. But then as an adult, like now 30, if I'm struggling with my mental health and someone goes, hey, are you okay? Are you all right? And I'll be like, well, actually, I think everyone hates me. And also my boobs are like too big. Yes, same. Your boobs aren't too big.

No, I know. What's too big? Do you know what I mean? My boobs are, if anything, according to you, far too small. Just for your personality. You have a big breasted personality. That's, is that a couple?

Okay, anyone who's listened to this who can blank their mind from what they know Catherine looks like. Oh, for a chance, you don't know what Catherine looks like. She doesn't have the breasts you think. She does. Wow. Describe me to the listener who has never seen me. She's a fracled-faced, red-headed lass from Dublin.

That's... Medium height, lovely nose. Thank you. Good makeup. It's become like an auction listing now. Yeah. Earrings in. Nipple piercing, sure.

No, not anymore. But you could force something through a hole if you wanted to. No, you couldn't. No, thank you. You've got a lovely way about you. That's all. And what's the worst thing is? I know you're being nice because I just said I'm depressed, and this is still so rude.

It's like, describe me to a person who doesn't know me. She said, earrings. You know what? That's something that I think. Sorry, this isn't what you were saying. But, like, also, when a friend, the thing I struggle with, like, when a, you. you tell a friend that you're depressed, there's a lot of worry as well

that they're not going to want to hang out with me because I'm not going to be fun and all of these intrusive thoughts which aren't inherently true but they feel true to you at the time. I'd rather hang out with you when you're depressed. You're a little bit calmer. A little bit more fun.

A little bit more fun. Yeah, I find you much more tolerable when you're depressed. Yeah. You don't just want to talk about yourself because otherwise you'll cry. So you're like, you ask questions to deflect. Oh, it's the most time for me

in the relationship we ever know. Madness. I love hanging out with you and you're depressed. Mad. But like, you don't have to. always treat that person with kid gloves. Like you still, they still want a friendship and love and

obviously everyone is different and you can ask them and they can dictate that. But like you don't have to be like, oh my like constantly like smothering and cuddling them. You don't have to be as mean as you are. A bit of an edge is healthy. Healthy for the mind. Yeah, sure. I mean you keep it on its toes. You keep it on

on the toes. Also binge eating. Oh yeah. Love to be said for it. Love to be said for carbs. I have. had Nando's for dinner last night. Oh my God, what'd you order? I ordered the impersonation wrap, the chicken impersonation. Oh, so the vegan wrap? The impersonator rap.

Chips. Perry, Perry, psaltered or just regular chips? Perry, Perry, salted. Good girl. Even though they make me sweat from my face because I'm Irish and they're spicy. Then, okay, then not. They are. And mashed potato and corn on the cup, but I wish I would have gotten the macho peas.

We all make mistakes. Yeah. We all made mistakes. in error. Klam had coleslaw which looked disgusting. Corslaws are the fucking best. What was your spicy rating? Lemon and her. Lemon and herb. Fun, fun, fun. She's a fun time gal.

Well, I got the peri, peri chips. They were roasting. They make me sweat all down the side of my nose. Do you get sweaty face when you eat spicy food? I think if it's really spicy, maybe, yeah. Yeah, like peri, peri chips or like I get more that, like, my eyes just go a little bit like, I can't see. Cheese and onion crisps.

Or like salt and vinegar on fries. or um like you know to have like um actually just some very viney fries at the weekend and shore um and they were like I was like two times in a while I put a chip in my mouth breathed in at the same time and choked from the vinegar but all over sneel both I was like

ha what stop it what were you like what were you like You know, when you were like, I feel like I'm reacting to like a dick going in that I didn't want. Like a dick going in that I didn't want. Like, which hole is that? Cunt.

Oh. Um, yeah. That's true. That's a warning. That's a warning. If you were going vinegar on your chips, don't breathe. as they go in. Through the fog

came for the trash. What did him? What did Sineal say? Ugh. Oh, you're fucking gross. Oh, I hate you. And I was like, you're dressed in the magician. Honestly, that's the best thing that's happened to me all week.

That really made me laugh. Were they a bit wet? Depression, cute. See, guys, people make out it's difficult. It's actually super easy to get over it with a good attitude. And that was the final step in Helen's training. Oh my God, are my mental health qualified now?

Yeah. So, um, I would love it if I was. I'd love that for you too. Tell me everything. Tell me everything. Is that what you think it is? Speaking with your eyes closed. Oh my God, therapists do speak with their eyes closed a lot.

They were like, okay. I think it's because they just can't look at me and tell me it's going to be okay. Because they know it's not. So they're just like, It's all going to be fine. And I'm like, to who? To who? To who?

To yourself? But also, like, I don't know if you did any therapy online. I did therapy online during lockdown. I have done phone calls before. Zoom does not work. Because with Zoom, you can see into their houses. Yeah. And when you can see to their houses, you're like, well, you obviously can't help me.

But have you never done therapy at someone's house? I've done therapy, like, in someone's living room before. No. Oh, my God. What? In her living room? She didn't even have, like, a spare extra room? No, it was in the living room.

Like a private therapist. But in her living room. Oh my God, I would hate that because on Zoom I could see into her house and her house was first of all, either like don't make me say it. I'm not, no one's literally no one's making you say it. No one.

I took with this on stage so I feel like I'm repeating material but also I'm like, I mean my therapist Christmas tree was up still in March. I don't think that's isn't. No. It's like you're not a well woman. You can't help me. But maybe she just likes joy.

No, she's not well if that's. Come on. She's either given up and it doesn't have the energy emotionally to take it down. Work on yourself. Or she needs to cling on to a Christmas tree for Joy Till March. Again, I say, work on yourself. Or she hasn't noticed. In which case, you can't help me.

You know what I mean? I agree that this is the right therapist for you because I feel like you spent most of the session being like, what's your truth? Oh, 100%. Yeah. And ultimately had to leave her because I don't think she knew what was going. My therapist didn't have a Christmas tree up outside of Christmas. Well done. From what I remember, she could have done and I wouldn't have noticed.

Absolutely. Fog the tears, couldn't see anything. Couldn't see anything. So wait, what was her living room like? Did it make you think that she could help you? Yeah, it was a nice calming. I don't think I, like, would take it into the point of, like, judgment. That sounds so bad.

She definitely had incense burning and a couple of Buddha statues. And I was like, oh, this could be spiritual, which wouldn't be for me, because I'm definitely not that way. inclined. She was great. She was great. And also I quite like that I was like not in an office where like part of my anxiety when I first did therapy was like all of like, it's not how it is. And it is for some, but then you pick which one you want. Just a load of people really struggling, which therapy isn't for everyone who's struggling can be for anyone, but just sitting in a waiting when he went to get called into a room. Whereas I would love that. I would love, actually would prefer a therapy

It was more doctor-like. I feel like they act a bit too cash. See, I needed cash. I needed someone to, yeah. I've never had it, but I would ideally like a therapist in a blazer. See, I feel like if I had a therapist in a blazer, I'd been the whole time trying to let them know that I was okay,

so like please don't cart me away. No, what I find frustrating is, for me, therapy is often too at the casual end to the point that I'm like, you know when, you know when waiters try to take your order without writing it down? That's what I feel like with therapists who don't have a pen and paper in blazers. I'm like, you could not possibly be remembering all of this.

And I need you to keep up. Now, is any part of you think that you're really anxious at the moment? Because you get anxious about things that aren't yours to control. Using wording very carefully there. Oh, yeah, I obviously have major issues with control. Major. Or disappointing people or wasting my time or being inefficient or being seen as lazy. So it's like, why isn't she writing this down?

Oh my God. Hold my hands. were doing a mantra hold my hands hold my hands remember how early your nails and they weren't clean

well yeah because I was in a graveyard at the weekend like what? What? I was in a graveyard

sitting on the floor in costume in character and between takes I got bored and was digging holes either side of me with my bare hands

until the director said we were filming on a plague pit for children And I stopped just in case I hit a plagy child. How shallow do you think they're buried? I don't know.

How deep did she go? What was my question? They're like action and I'm like, oh! Second question, have you washed your hands since then? Many times. There's just a bit of dirt under the nails. Can we hold hands in theory? Yeah.

Okay. Just hover. Yeah. Okay. You repeat after me. Be the change you want to see. Together. Be the change you want to see.

The universe is for you and so is everything else. Together. But it's not. The universe is for me. But this is the most white woman. And so is everything else. Together now. The universe is for me and so is everything else.

How entitled is that? When life gives you lemons. Okay. Make lemonade. Oh, fuck off. Wait, I can go white girl basic with it. When life gives you limes, grab the tequila. So,

a meal without wine. Well, that's called breakfast. Do you feel better in yourself now? Do you feel better? I feel better than you. So I guess that's something. Probably true. Can I recommend a poem?

Do you what? I recommend a poem. Okay, that was, I was not expect. Are you fucking no. No, Andrew. Quote the Raven. Hang on, sorry, hold on a second. Helen's giving me, when life gives you limes, grab the tequila.

And you're trying to make me feel better by saying, can I suggest a poem? It's a lovely, they made it into a, it's a song as well, but it's a, the poem. I don't know. Andrew, are you, are you fucking with me? I want to hear the poem. Has neither of you ever actually been depressed? I listen to regularly. Okay, if you're at home and you're actually depressed and your friends are bringing you phrases from

teacups and poems I'm sorry I'm sorry that's something to you I would like to hear the poem it's called Desiderata and if you search on Apple Music or Spotify Desiderata there's a lovely song version as well it's not a musical he's not a musical let him fucking do this poem that should have been spoken that's now being sung

so it sounds like a fucking musical to me it's like a calming voice of a man and he speaks the poem and then there's kind of the refrains are sung like the gospel choir so it's spoken and sung but most of my guilt and trauma comes from a Catholic upbringing. Why would I want to listen to gospel music?

Okay, well, maybe... No, read your poem. I'm not going to read it. No, fix me with your poem. Andrew, can I read it? Fix me with your poem, Andrew. I feel like I... This is meant to be a throwaway comment.

I feel like this is a pressure on it now. Come on 21-year-old. Tell me the poem that'll solve all of my problems. He didn't say it would solve all your problems. He's 22 years old. And also, I think it's a lovely idea. So, yes, please. This is why men have bigger mental health issues.

They can't express themselves and they just try to... Oh, my. My God. Just saying, like, speak to a therapist. There's a stanza about loud and aggressive persons, try not to think too much of Helen. I'm so excited. I cannot, let's just do one verse.

A stanza is like a paragraph in a poem, right? Okay. Desiderata. Oh, Jesus. I already feel worse. I'm now depressed that this is my job. Go placidly, amid the noise the haste and remember what

peace there may be in silence as far as possible without surrender be in good terms with all persons. Pause shut the fuck up even if everything's loud go let life happen to you be placid and also no matter what anyone does to you

even if they ghost you multiple times just crack on is it? That's not what I got from it but that is what you got from it and everyone's... I will say it's much more calming when the man does it in the song. Speak your truth quietly and clearly and listen to others. This feels really sexist.

It's like say small, be small, be quiet, stay quiet. Catherine, we have literally just started reading it and you are lashing out. And I want to remind you of what we learned in stanza one. Remember what peace there may be in silence. And that is something I think we could all be practicing right now apart from me because I'm reading. Speak your truth quietly and clearly

and listen to others even to the dull and the ignorant they too have their story. that is that's we all right you know what we don't with this poem helen avoid loud and aggressive person they are vexatious is this written by what does that say vexations are vexatious they are vexated by a man uh i think so yeah it has written all over it but it's being it's being read by a woman they are vexatious to the spirit if you compare yourself with others you may become vain or bitter for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as

well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career. However humble, it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Andrew, I love this. Thank you. Exercise caution in your business affairs for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is. May person strive for high ideals and everywhere life is full of heroism. You're my hero. Be yourself, especially. I don't want your grave nails in my hair. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection.

Unless yourself is loud or has high lofty goals or like loud people or has ambition or like to speak. This isn't an anti-ambition poem. This says be ambitious like your career. Quietly. We shut the fuck up about it. No, you can be loud, but just remember there is peace and silence. You don't always have to be running around. Just because we've got an evening free doesn't mean we have to be doing something.

In between the stanzas in the song, the gospel choir, going, You are a child of the universe. And it's really good. Okay, Andrew, I was on your side, and you've ruined it. You are a child. You're both fucking terrible at this. I just stop it. I hate this.

You know what? This was, I'm sorry I brought it up, actually. I'll just get a fucking, like, I'll get a lamp for, you're both. Andrew, Catherine through phony. Catherine through phony. This is, this has only pushed me further towards that inevitability. fuck you both that was terrible I love you

and what will work for one person won't work for everyone you know everyone's different I just think anytime anybody's like talks about the universe when you've said you're depressed you're like well how is that helpful because you're insignificant oh great don't know what it is

don't forget to review this podcast oh this podcast hey thank you for listening to episode 8 sorry about my depression sorry about Helen's labia story but most of all sorry that Andrew made us all read a poem I love you, Andrew, thank you.

Bye. Love you, bye. I want to thank the Patreon. That's what I want to do, Catherine. Because we've got so many more than I thought we would have. I'm genuinely, like, overwhelmed. Thank you. So I guess I'm going to read out the producers first

because, like, you guys are babes. And I'm just going to start with Howard Van Dyke. What a classic. Yes, Harold. We've got David Walker. We've got Jess and Nick. We've got SB Dubs. We've got us.

Neil Redmond. We've got Kira Leach. We've got Anthony Conway, Claire, Owen Jones, Emma Walton. Whoa. What a legend, Emma Walton. We've got Zoe. Thank you, Zoe. No second name. Why do you need it? Why do they need it? Lee Myers-Cough?

Yes. Cough or Gough? I'm going to say cough. I was guessing Myers Co. Myers Co. Okay, Lee, Lee Myers Co. Well, let us know. Correct us. Correct us. Tim and Dom. Richard Bicknell. Richard Bolt. Tim and Dom still being one producer, just singular.

You've got to be supportive of them. Be supportive, please. Karen Bolt, Rachel R. Sadie Cashmore, Victoria Hutchson and L. And then we have an Irish name. You can do it, go on. Kim Dovgul or Kim Dugel or Kim, I'll read it as it spell, Dubhaeguil.

Catherine, would you like to... If anyone who's concerned that I'm, like, really being moronic, it's spelled D-U-B-H-G-H-A-I-L-L Oh, Catherine. Kim, Gerv Milamah Guth, we really appreciate the money. Thank you so much.

Giva Magolos. No, and we're going to say one last time we'll say, sorry about Helen, Tobroneram, is Amidani. Okay, off we go. Thank you, Kim. Thank you, Kim. I don't know what's happening.

Don't we have an exec producer? Oh, I just called you an Egypt to Kim. I want needy. No, an Egypt. Egett. Okay, right, yeah. That's all right, because that doesn't mean anything to me because it's not technically a word.

I also want to say massive thank you to our executive producers. Oh, my God. Technically, your bosses. Thank you for your money. Thank you for the money. Guy Goodman. Yes. And Simon Moore.

Oh, lads, thanks. You guys are all heroes. And thank you to everyone who donates anything at all. We genuinely couldn't do this without you. this podcast is finally starting to pay for itself which is so cool we're so lucky I'm gonna go build a bear baby

I'm gonna build me a bear we don't get paid yet but that'll come guys thank you so much for donating please if you can't donate or you can't afford to donate please tell five people because that would be amazing tweet about the podcast Instagram about the podcast

that means so much too to those of you who have already told five people we know who you are and we really appreciate it Thank you.