Trusty Hogs - Ep80. KIELL SMITH-BYNOE / Driving, Dissociation & Drama School

Episode Date: April 13, 2023

Star of Ghosts, Dreamland, Stath Lets Flats and the latest series of Taskmaster, we are delighted to be joined by the brilliant Kiell Smith-Bynoe! Plus, 80 episodes in, we have some exciting Hogs news...FOLLOW KIELL: @klayzeflaymzWatch Dreamland on Sky, OUT NOW!Thank you so much for listening!Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Simon Moores / Guy Goodman / Mary Fox / Annie Tonner / Sarah Jarque-Deakin / Oliver JagoPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Karen & David Bull / Harald van Dijk / Eddie Doyle / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Jo Holmes / Sarah & Molly / Alex Pugh / Josie W / Amy / Cordelia / Raia Fink / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Sophie Chivers / Graham Marsh / Emily Gee / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Kie Web / Matt Sims / Luke Bright / Leah / Kate SpencerWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Feel good about Back to School with help from Whole Foods Market. Thanks to their high standards, you can keep banned food ingredients like high fructose corn syrup out of lunch boxes all year. Check out Whole Foods Market unmatched selection of allergen-friendly options for all kinds of special diets. Find what you need without dairy, gluten, nuts, or whatever you're trying to avoid. Get back to school ready at Whole Foods Market, in store, and online. Hello and welcome to episode 80 of Trusty Hogg. I'm Catherine Bowhart and this is Helen Bauer. Hello.

And Helen, what did we discuss beforehand? Today you have a lot of things to set up so I need to sit here for five minutes while you set it all up. There are considerable parish announcements today. Episode 80 and to be honest, it's all gone to shit. We're already speaking so fast. We've got some terrible news but also don't worry there's a happy ending. Step forth the trusty hogs.

Yeah, you're going to give them your problems and they will solve them. Or maybe they won't and that's your problem. They'll have guests and Andrew White on the tech. Oh, it's Helen and Catherine as the trusty hogs. Trust the trusty hogs or maybe not. Um, Locke. We're stopping the podcast. We found out the...

No, we're not. No, we're not. But last week, we did find out that our podcast studio had closed. Immediately. That was the warning. It was closed. Catherine deals really well with change. I love change with no warning and no plan.

God, I... You know how, you know me, fly by the seat of my pants, am I? She got on the bath and start thrashing out of stress. It was a fucking disaster. basically everything went to shit we were like how the fuck are we going to make the podcast she's burned every relaxing candle in her house we tried to book places and everything's booked up

everything's too expensive we were losing our minds um helen was doing a lot of cackling ha ha ha ha ha well I know that someone else will do it do you know what I mean yeah okay get sorted thankfully um neither of us me panicking and you laughing actually helped thankfully we had the foresight the good foresight and sense of mind

months ago years of this stage to collaborate with one genius Andrew White who has saved the day now here's the thing Hoggs listen up because if ever you were going to help us on Patreon now would be the time to do it

even if it's just for a month we would so appreciate you because I'll tell you for why we have decided perhaps madly and indeed immediately to sign a contract for a small office space in London and turn it into our very own hogs podcast.

I'm in charge of the curtains. Yeah, a task that we've prescribed the outcomes for. But listen, we've rented a room and we're bought soundproofing curtains and we've booked, we've ordered some of the furniture that they allow you to book out of their own catalogue so it probably won't match. And we're doing it.

we're setting up because we could not find a place. I think we should also say for anyone that's new here, hey, what's up? Oh, hi, sorry, welcome to our podcast. Everything's fine. This is a podcast that we don't actually like get paid to make. We paid to make it. And then we hopefully make money from you guys wanting extra episodes from us. Thank you so much for everyone who already does. Oh my God. We love you podcast. Patrons and podcasters and other podcasters. No, we hate those. Screw the competition. We love the patrons. We love the patrons.

We're in direct competition with Joe Rogan And we're fully aware of it But listen, as you can imagine I went into full spiral mode And I'm not feeling totally comfortable yet Because we haven't got the bloody thing set up So what we're not blinking that much No, what we're going to make is a vlog

We're going to make a little blog Do before and afters of the office space We went there, we measured it the other day We said we measured it, I measured it Asked Andrew to bring a ruler Did he remember? No, he didn't Andrew, that's untrue I measured as well

But that is true That is true I did also forget the ruler I couldn't reach But hey listen Women of your height should carry stools. You're right. You're not wrong. Listen, here we are.

We find ourselves in a situation where we're going to try to make it work. Will it look gorgeous immediately? No. Will you support us on the last week? We hope so will it look cute though? Do you want to send us art? Please do. If you think of anything you want to send for the studio, send it in.

Yes. To explain, we are currently in a plywood shed. Shed. Yes. What's that noise? Well, there's also a scrap yard on the other side of this wooden wall. so please forgive us if there are any sound issues today

we're half in a wooden shed half in scrap apparently they're literally just throwing scrap around so we know where I'll be spending after the podcast oh my God could you please close that

a chip door that sort of a plywood sort of chip Catherine that's going to do bloody nothing do you think maybe you might help like pulled it to the end that's it

that's it that's it sort of semi open but is as closed as again you know what the office space might be so bad. This is the best day of Catherine's life. We're having a terrible time. We won't be back here, but it's the only ways we can afford while we wait for our office to be set up, and I say wait for it, but it is also who has to do it. I'm doing really well with it. I've already ordered curtains for the space and a curtain pole. Andrew is going to send, is going to put our new

address on what, Andrew? I'll put it publicly because you can just send stuff to us without accessing it. So we can avoid stalkers getting to us, but we will have like a P.L. box sort of system. Visit me. So we're going to have a P-O-box system, which basically means that you can send to the studio things. If you want, if you have any art that you think would look cool in our studio.

Locks of hair, toes. If you have, like, if you want to send us some, I don't know, coffee pods or, um, something nice for the, please do not send us cum. Sorry, Catherine. I thought, I think you missed that. Helen just asked for a bottle of cum. Well, whatever you can give.

What is wrong with you? Whatever you can give. Helen, no. Tell you. Helen, it's a place with no and actually. No, that's a disgusting. And B, I was going to say it's a place with no and national. natural light so I was thinking like a good a tasteful fake plan but you know how people love like sending people bodily fluids so my friend just had like a big leak and maybe like dried flowers because I have vases like dried flowers would be nice maybe we're having two very different conversation yeah because I can't cope with you it's already a nightmare that our podcast do you know about the bodily fluids that people leave to make a stamp on places Helen

Helen okay Helen yeah I've had enough of this okay basically my friend did a leak and behind the I'm not giving you birthday gifts. I'm not giving you birthday gifts if you don't stop. You have to stop being disgusting or no gifts. I'm sorry. Oh my God. That's harsh. No, it's fair.

Okay. Let's do the podcast. So look, there's a situation. Let's roll. Okay, Helen, first of all, gift for me. You brought me Mozart themed chocolate from Austria. I went to Southburg. I did it.

How was it? No, actually, tell me afterwards because you're going to be distracted if I don't give you your gifts, aren't you? Okay, yeah, yeah. Thank you for my delicious, finest milk chocolate filled with hazelnut cream. Thank you, Helen.

It says Mozart on it. and it's got the Austrian flag at the top of the Chucky. There's Andrew showing his right now if you're on YouTube. It's lovely stuff. Enjoy everyone. Enjoy it. Okay, I have a couple of gifts for you before we get into your holiday. I'm 32.

The first is my girlfriend went to New Orleans. Yeah. And for her birthday. And in her card you demanded a gift. And then I texted her. And then you reminded her multiple times. People need to be reminded sometimes about gifts. She got you this and she'd like you to know that it's not as ugly as she would have hoped,

but she thought thematically it worked for you because it says something out of that I think you'll enjoy. New Orleans, topless and bottomless. Yeah! Oh my God, it's so good.

Happy? I just lost my sunglasses. I'm so happy. I'm taking a picture of it. Oh my God. I'll put it on the Instagram. This is insane. Would you send her a voice?

Right now? Yeah, she's mad for you. This thing, Catherine is so desperate to make it a threple and it's not happening. You are so gagging for it to be a thruple. She's desperate to hang out with you and you won't hang out with her. You know, yesterday, Catherine, messaged me being like, oh no, sorry, Sunday.

And she was like, do you want to come for a walk with me and Ellen in the woods? And it's like, yeah, there's nothing I want more than to walk with a couple in the woods on a Sunday. There was a gang of us. Okay. Who was the gang? I invited other people. Really? Yeah.

Oh, motherfucker. I would have not pretend that I had a cold. I'm joking I did have a cold. No, you didn't. I told you. I told you that I had a beautiful game. Hi, Ellen. Sorry, Catherine's talking about.

which is so rude. Thank you for my gifty. I love it. It's this topless and bottomlessness made me really happy and it's going to go straight on, well, I don't have a fridge that has magnets on it, but it's going to go straight on my oven convection hood. Thank you. I feel like I might still be a bit drunk. Are you ready for your birthday gifts? Yes, of course I'm ready for my birthday gifts. The first one you've already guessed. And ruined. So, listen to me. That's not a dressing gown. Listen to me.

It's not going to fit. Listen to me. Listen to me. Okay, I'm listening. Listen to me. It's a summer one. And also, bear in mind, there's a gift receipt in it.

Why? Oh, in case you don't like it. Because you don't like it. Or, in case it doesn't fit. Your taste is so good. I'm going to love it. No, I don't know. You might not like it.

It's a big cold for me. Did you, when you bought it, did you say that her tits are huge? I checked the sizes with the lady, yeah. Okay. And you said for like 38 J. I said, was. Sike, it's double jane. That's a classy color.

That's a classy color. For those of you who haven't listened before, Helen had to throw away her old dressing gown because she'd come on it so much. In it. In it. It's so different. I'm not purposefully coming on top of a dressing gown.

But for winter wankies, you wear a dressing gown. Would you please try it on? Because if you wank under the covers in the middle of the day, you will have a nap afterwards. I'm not thick. Would you please try it on? Yeah. It's the rosy water name,

from Marks and Spencer's. Rosie Huntington Willing, what's her name? You got to... No, babe, you've got to untie the ties. There's a tie on the inside and a tie. No, don't put it over your head. No, no, no, no one puts on a dressing gown like that.

Okay, well then how do you... I know how to put it up on the ties. Oh, I see, there's a tie there. Sweet mother of Jesus. I said it twice. Speaking to your mic, no one can hear you squawking. Sorry, everyone. Catherine's telling a woman.

to suck eggs. What the hell are you talking about? You couldn't put it on. It's a famous English expression. Can you just put that on and see if it covers your giant boobs, please? Why are you still putting it over your head? How could that posse? For anyone who thinks I'm a moron right now?

There's a plastic tag. So if I rip it, then I can't return it. Oh, and she's planning to already, it would seem. Does it fit? How does it work? Does it fit? You've got to pull that out. Pull that out of this side.

No, the other way, pull the other way, my love. Okay. You're currently listening to a woman get dressed? How many comedians does it take to put on one house coat? Two. I call it a house coat, you call it a dressing again. House coat. Now put that around the other way, go around there.

Yep. And then bring that round, bring that round your waist. There you go. Lovely bit of business. It's lovely colour on you, but does it fit? I love it, but does it feel like I'm wearing a Flash's outfit? What? Just honestly, for anyone who can't see it, it's like a grey satin.

And we know that I'm not going to be. It's gorgeous. I can really see you lounging around the hair. house in it. It's blue. Just like rat out. Mm-hmm. Oh, rat out?

Why is your rat out? Why do you call it a rat? Oh my God, I love it. It's really lovely on you. Do you like it? Do you like it? This is me. Do you promise you like it?

Yeah, I fucking love it. It's gorgeous. I love how big the sleeves are. Oh my God, it's gorgeous. You like it. I love it. You love it. You love it.

You love it. Oh, no, I really love it. You promise. You're not just saying it. Is there anything in the pockets or? No, no, no. There's a gift. But also, I got you another gift as well.

Ooh. I knew that you would be mad and that was the only one because you already knew about it. So here's a surprise gift. Oh my God. I get you nothing. This is so great. But if you don't like it, I'm sorry if it's too classy, we can return it.

What do you mean classy? Scrunchy. I love it. You like it? I'm so glad. I just thought, finish the loungeware look with a lovely big scrunchy. This is the best day of my life. Isn't it beautiful?

I thought of your coloring would be so nice. with this oh my god let me take a picture of you anyone who doesn't know my coloring is um bright orange and pink and gray and that's what matches me because my face is bright orange pink and gray super model i fucking love it yay this is the best day you're actually do good yeah you did um can i tell you about my holiday now or does andrew want to give me his gift oh wow okay i've actually got gifts for multiple people in the room not just you hannah do you just save it for the extras we'll save it for this. Okay, I'm going to be good. Helen, before you tell me about your holiday, I just want to say one last thing on gifts, because

the last gift you got me was the book, All My Mother's, and I'm reading it, and I'm obsessed. I'm actually furious I have to do this podcast, because I want to know whatever's up to. Literally five months later. I was, I had another, I had several books on the go. Of course, you're dead. Okay, well, I thought you'd be happy. Thank you for reading it. Tell me about Salzburg. I'm sorry that you already are upset by the book. I love that you're wearing your dressing guy, and you look so gorgeous. It feels natural on me. Em, can you take a picture of how gorgeous she looks, please? Yeah, I'm sorry, could you get a picture of how gorgeous I look, please?

Sorry, Em, could you get a picture of how gorgeous she's looking? Sorry, can we all just quickly, so you can just screenshot it so we can all have just an image of how gorgeous I look right now. Can you tell? Also, I don't know if you can tell, but I put a primer on before, like, putting foundation on today. I can tell. I can tell. Like, if Hillary Clinton had done this, she would have won. There you go, I fucking said it.

Can I say one thing about that? That's political corner. Yeah, go for it. I know you're going to wank in it. but I don't think you should smoke in it that fabric will keep that smell it's mine now I can wank and smoke in whatever I want

also I don't think you know this but this would be a summer wanking dressing gown and summer wanks are naked on top of the bed so you don't have to worry about it okay this will not be involved it will just be involved for the final wipe hello I hate you

it's too nice to wipe your rat on Why did I say not rat? Yeah. Goodness. No, yeah, of course. You have to wipe your rats. Use a tissue. After, no, terrible for the planet.

I hate. Always use a handkeep or a large house coat. I hate. Okay. I tell you about my holiday now. Please. I went to Salzburg. Yeah.

And it was life-changing. Tell me. That's all I have to say. What? That's never all you have to say. It was just so magical. How was the sign of music tour? Oh my God.

and a half hours with his name was Gerhardt. Yeah. He was so cheeky. And he definitely had launched his English script, but did not speak any English outside of it. And then I tried to speak to him and German. But he also had no idea what I was saying. He was the only person on that trip who made me feel like I couldn't speak German. Like my friends were like, oh, your German is still there.

You still speak it fluently. And I was like, I think so, yeah. And then everything I said to Gerhardt, he was like, but I think. But I think we were just on totally different levels. Yeah, to be fair, I speak English and a lot of the things you say, I'm like, what? Yeah, I think that's what it was. It's more like, huh? Like, we got to the Mirabelle Place Gardens where they found a lot of the Do-Rémy song for any fans.

And basically, like, I said to, he was like telling us the history of Mirral Gardens. And he was like, and he, this emperor duke married the most beautiful woman in all of Austria. And I went, well, most beautiful until I arrived. And he just looked at me, like, confused. Yeah. and then just carried on. Wow. And it's like,

I don't even think he was trying to be rude. He just doesn't have a sense of humor. Austrian. Very different. Please be respectful. Bad news. Hitler's Eagles nest was closed.

Can't get everything you want for your birthday. But that's fine. Why was it closed? They heard you were coming and you seemed too enthusiastic. They don't open Hitler's summer home until April. I'm not, I think it's something to do with like the road being icy going up to the top. But you can't just like go there of a,

winter's day. That's so weird. I mean, you have to adapt to survive and I get it. I guess. The Tama music tour in general was great. So what they would do is we'd be in the minivan and we'd be driving to our next location, like let's say the wedding chapel in Monzae where Maria von Trapp marries the captain. And then Gerhardt would do like a segue into a song and he'd be like, yeah, I'm making

this drive. I've done it so many times. I have so much confidence with it. much like Maria and then he'd start playing I have confidence and obviously I'm losing my fucking mind the entire time

Emma Black is literally gagging for it Oh she's loving it She loves sound of music more than me I'd say Really? Like we were both So we sat in the middle losing our minds

and then our friend Ellie and housemate Sineil Patel just sat in the back like and I've never seen people like so clearly disassociate Yeah of course Like they left the mini van mentally so many

times they weren't physically in the realm with us anymore. So you think Gerhardt was worth the 450 pounds? Oh I love Gerhardt and then I tipped him at the end obviously I gave him more you have to give him more you have to give him more you don't what you're talking about the sweetest man and what was so good is he clearly had like

beef with so many people in the city we'd be like driving past pizza restaurant he's like oh here the pizza's very nice but the man who runs as an asshole and there would just be a man standing outside smoking. I was like, ah ha ha ha ha.

He also, Gerhard was definitely 100% too into Charméan car who plays Leasel in the film and like he he must have read her book

like 200 times and just like the facts from that and he'd be like this was Charmaine's favorite place to eat when she was filming. Charmaine loved this.

I don't like that. I don't like that. I don't like that. Also we found out something so upsetting because like most of the stuff like he was telling me as a massive

sound a music fan and I do and obviously as a history buff I knew about the real maria von trap the story a bit but the worst thing is so bad you know what I don't know about the real maria van trap don't tell us the summary short please yes it's exactly the same as the film apart from the captain wasn't a dick to his children like they put that in to like get a bit of drama and they didn't like walk to switzerland they took a train to italy and then got on a boat to America but they had a horrible stepmother potentially in the works um the baroness, maybe. I'll bet you the baroness was a legend in real life.

I think she was someone who was like, trendy being none and then her reverend mother was like, no, go to this house, they need help. Like they've got no mother. I'll bet you the baroness was actually really nice. An absolute babe. That's the thing. History hates women.

It hates women. That's why we've got no female dictators. Facts. Uh, what? Because we're not allowed to get into positions of power. If women were, if the patriarchy didn't hold us back, we'd have double the number of genocides.

Think about it. You're horrible. Think about it. Women are held back. the things we could do, the things we could do. You're horrible. So in the film, you know, they walk over a hill to get to Switzerland away from the Nazis. The hill they actually film them walking over.

Oh, there's a drill in the back now. Lovely bit of business. Are we getting that, Andrew? I don't know. I think it's very faint if so. Fabulous. How funny it would it be if it wasn't a drill and it was just Catherine's asshole? Ha!

Okay. Do you want something that will cheer you up, Catherine? I haven't finished my story. It's related to your history corner, actually. Oh, thank you. It's some feedback about your history corner. This is from Ivy. Hi, Ivy.

You can also let Helen know that my boyfriend loves listening to the podcast with me. And his only complaint is, can Catherine let Helen finish? I'm really interested in these plague pits. Wow. You know what, Ivy? I cannot be more grateful to you and your boyfriend. That means so fucking much to me. Catherine genuinely believes that

she isn't allowed to talk in this podcast but personally I feel like she is silencing women in a way that isn't okay I don't think I'm not allowed to talk on the podcast I think that every time I attempt every time I attempt you usually cut me off Can I finish my story now? Yeah please

That was so good Andrew but the hill they're walking over to escape the Nazis is literally the Unterzberg which goes straight into Hitler's summer So like at the end of the film They're just walking into a Nazi playpen Like I guess this will do Yes

So they all die They well if it was the way it was They'd all die But actually all the von Trapps made it to New York And they tried to keep their singing group going there But due to the times It was quite tricky to be an Austrian-German singing group Yeah and nobody wants to hear a bit

But the two of the boys moved back to Austria eventually Wow Fascinating But I learnt so much And I loved it It rained one day so we did an apple strudel making class oh my god that sounds amazing it was incredible will you make me an apple strudel i could actually i actually could i'd love you do um emma black bought the actual

recipe books even though you could get them for free online but she wanted the souvenir she's so cute but she had an absolute fight with senile batan why because like what did he do i went to school with emma and ellie so i know which one to partner up with for a practical task so i immediately bagsydellie the night before when we decided to do the apple struid class i'm not working with emma black she doesn't share very very well. And I'll never do it perfectly. Like, I'll never do it right. So then she was Oh, Emma Black is me. I am Emma Black. You are? Just we Emma Black. Yeah. Um, so I just didn't want to pair with Emma because I didn't think I'd be able to be included. And as the class was happening, Emma was like whispering to Snail like, I would like to do that too. I will be doing that.

Of her, I'll just do everything. She said Neil basically was wearing an apron and wasn't allowed to join in. And then he kept on trying by putting his hands towards her strudel dough. And she lost it. Did she? Because theirs had a hole in it and me and Ellie got told ours were perfect. And then they went to Sneela and I went, oh no, what's happened to you? I never felt more powerful in my life. And then we made a Salzburg copfell and we went for dinner.

And oh, it was just so magical. It's maybe a knuckle. Oh yeah, Saltberger Nockle. That's what it's called. And it wasn't very good. What was it? It's like you put some jam in a dish. Yeah.

And then you whisk. egg whites and then you put in one yoke and then you put in a bit of corn flour and you pop it on top and it sort of like bakes like a meringue but i i did not mix mine very well so i had a bit of scrambled egg and then a bit of cornflower dry powdered and then some jam that sounds horrible okay yeah but we i was trying my best okay okay okay all right sounds bad and i don't like it did i do oh god katherine um i shared a room with emma and ellie yeah and i brought some snoring spray and they said they didn't hear me, so I think that's really good stuff.

Can you recommend it to me? Yeah, I can. Where'd you give it? It's called, oh, sleepies. Sleepy's throat spray. Can you, I need that. Well, it's mine. I need to get some for me, though.

I'll take you to her boots. I'm a real snorer. It's very good. It's very good. And then what else did I do? Oh my goodness. So much. You had the best time ever.

I'd say the best time of my life in my entire world, yeah. Whoa. Thank you very much. And I've decided that I've been too holiday happy. Yeah, you've been doing a last Thursday. And I'm going to get an app called ClearScore. What's that, babe?

I don't know, but Andrew's perked up. It's a credit score tracking website. Oh, I use credit karma. Same thing, is that? Yeah, basically similar. Is that the same? Yeah, clear score is probably a bit easier for Helen. Why?

No, I don't know. I got told it was like the simple one. Yeah, yeah. You just put in your name and then what you have in your bank account. And then they say, you're clearly perfect. Yeah, they'll come up with a number. between one and a thousand. And with credit score,

do you want like the highest or the lowest? Higher, you want higher? Great. I imagine I have 10 billion. Okay. We've been here for approximately half an hour. I'm guessing you're never going to ask me. So yes.

I passed my driving test. Woo! I really thought I could make it to 40 minutes. You bought you a shit bag. You're a shit bag. You're a shit bag. I was like, when are you going to ask me, Dick Ward? I have some other parish announcements.

at the age of 34, I passed my bloody driving day. And she was genuinely over the moon. Like I spoke to you on the phone like an hour afterwards. You were like, I did it. It's done. I was absolutely walking. I still am when I think about it. Like I'm on cloud nine about it because I can't tell you how much money I've spent on lessons and how

many lessons I've had. And the fact that it was a six month wait for both tests. So bad. It was just hell. We've been, we were in our second Ramadan together, me and my instructor. And I can do it this time. She gets so hungry at the end. When you get round to the second year.

When the days get so long, she's lessor. She's doing her best. No one could manage that. Blaby. So listen, what? Blaby. Is that what you meant to say? Yeah. Okay.

All right. And you do mean blaby. Blaby. Blaby. I don't even mind it. Listen, here's the thing. Can I tell you all about it? Yeah, you're going to buy a car now.

Oh no, forget that part. I don't know about that. We have to figure out our podcast situation. But this is a situation. Actually, Andrew, do you know how to buy a car? Not really Oh I do No but like

Do you know the ways of which one could buy a car Oh yeah yeah Sir Neil Patel and Sean McLaughlin Went to buy a car for Sean together And what they did is they both wore suits And drove out to Walton on Thames Christ they were like That's where they'll respect them

They both wore full suit And then went to a car dealership Because they thought they'd get more respect I could understand that if it was like a Jaguar deal ship Or a Ferrari or something Used cars Yeah yeah Yeah in Walton on 10th

The dealership thinks that they were trying to sell them Go ahead Two business boys, was up I just mean like There's ways you can do it Where like you get a loan right And you don't You change it every two years

What's that called? Leasing, leasing, yeah Is that good? It depends what you want really I wanted there's something wrong with it For it to go away again And for them to give me a different car Well yeah probably leasing's the least stress for you then

But it probably will work out A bit more expensive Yeah but I don't want to get stuck on a motorway by myself. Well, that can still happen whenever you drive. Yeah, but I want somebody else to be in charge of it, like to fix situations. I think Catherine would like a so far. You'd still be in charge of that situation.

You want breakdown cover for that. And then I suppose, yeah, if there's a leasing issue, I suppose that's probably better for you. Well, she enjoyed passing that test for a whole two minutes. Okay, no, no, no, let me circle back. Let me circle back. Let me circle back. If anybody has any tips on how you do that, by the way, let me know. Listen, here's what happened.

I think as is always going to be the way I was always either going to fail like I did the first time on a dramatic like I had three miners and a huge fail on a round bit versus I got zero faults and I was always going to be the way it was either going to be perfect or basically

almost a crash I think was because I'm such a panicker because I'm trying to be perfect Helen I get in the car well I get to the testing centre and this old Scottish man comes out and he's 65 is not that old Benny is his name He's from Glasgow.

He trained as a shipbuilder. The point is... So you immediately went Protestant and Catholic? No. So that was already clear. We knew we were both. Catholic. Yeah.

So Benny comes out and he is like, Miss Catherine, which is a funny phrase anyway. Miss Catherine. I know. And I was like, I love this man. He's a sweet angel. He's like, this is going to be a piece of pitch.

And I was like, I love him so much. And I was like, okay, great. And then he was like, read that. And I did it and he was like, see, easy. And I was like, did he think. I couldn't read. Anyway, we went to the car, and I got it, and he was like, oh, I just have to fill in a few forms.

And I was like, Benny, take your time, use as much of my time as you like that I was filling in the form. Like me, like me, like me, like me. Yeah. And then we had like good band. And then. You dropped it. No, then I started to drive.

No, no, you said I'm a comedian. I started to drive. I started to drive and he was like, all right, so I'm head out this way, head of this way, and then you'll drive independently. And I was like, okay, cool, Benny, just so you know, because I started to say everything I was doing out lead. He was like, I was like, P.S. I'll say the things I need to do it.

And he was like, that's great. So I might also curse away, Lassie. If you need to curse away, don't hold back on me. And I was like, really? And he was like, yeah. I don't even usually curse when I drive, but I was like, back every five seconds. Nothing was happening. Everything was fine.

And just testing it out, you know. And then we went on the easiest route that you can do. And he was like five minutes in. He was like, so what do you do? Five minutes into a 40 minute driving test. I was like, oh sweet Jesus. Here we go. What am I doing?

Am I doing it? Am I saying? And I was like, I'm a comedian, Ben. Boom. Yeah. he's like, no way. You're so brave. No way.

I was like, Hallelujah. I was like, Benny, I'm not nearly as brave as a man who lets people who think they can drive, drive him around as if they can. And he was like,

well, sure, all I have to do is sit down. I was like, you're right. I do have to stand up the whole time. And he laughed and laugh. And then he asked me

which comedians I liked and didn't like and I kind of quickly ascertained who he liked and didn't like. And let's be honest, agreed and sold everyone down the river. So he was like, I don't like so and so.

You'd be like, what a fucking piece of shit. Who would? Who could? Women, comedian. A fat, spinalist. Yes, absolutely.

I did everything that he wanted. And also, he was like, at one point he was like, what did he say that he was like,

oh, he said something that was slightly like, ooh, and I was like, oh, oh, you know,

the way they always do. But he, he loved Alan Davies, so when he found out that I'd done Alan Davies show, oh my God. I mean,

did I get no faults, or did I just charm them, charm Benny. Who is? to say he was lovely my maneuver lull this is how nice he was to me my maneuver was pulling on the right and reverse back two cars lengths that's barely a maneuver man i thought a manoeuvre was like a parallel park indeed i would i am brilliant up i didn't get show off um and so yeah so proud of you

oh my god when i got back he did this like dramatic reveal he was like he said my full name middle name and everything mary joseph he was like katherine mary joseph bowhart and then he turned the pad around and he was like, zero balls. I was like, ah, baby! And the three children who'd been in waiting to go out with because their tests,

you had all failed. So my driving instructor was like, oh my God, I was terrified waiting for you because they're all failed. No. It was really sad because two of them prayed in the waiting room.

Oh, no. Parade. I know. I was like, oh my goodness. I guess it's not real. I guess I guess I passed and God doesn't exist. Bye.

It makes a special type of sweet woman to gloat in front of children disappointed. You go fuck yourself, whores, my boss. I'm not with Alan Davies, you fucking piss of shit. Look at your GCSE.

I'm 34 and God ain't real, bye. It was great. It was so nice. I really felt jubilant after. My mom doesn't have to check my Instagram friends. Anyway, I called my dad on the way home.

He was so happy. I'm such an adult. I called my dad immediately. Oh, you must. Oh, look, it was just brilliant. I still am euphoric about it, mainly because I didn't know if I could do, I didn't know if I could hold my nerve during it.

And the only reason... Oh, we were all nervous. Like, I think I think on behalf of M. Andrew and the entire hog community. Yeah. The reason I passed, I genuinely think, is that I needed to be talking the whole time and I got an, like, an examiner who let me.

Yeah, a chaty one. Sitting in silence is as much of a test for me as the driving. So I don't need them both at the same time. Preach. Deeply uncomfortable. So it was just so nice. And he just let me drive him around and it was lovely. And I wanted to keep him safe as well, to be fair.

It probably made me a better driver. Benny sounds like a sweet man and thank you for passing our sweet girl. thank you Benny and also Benny is like 65 and um could be retired but he just likes the job oh and also at one point I said um that's some but some I so I said a comedian was nice which is surprising for older male comedian and then I said no offense and then he was like do you think I'm a comedian or do you think I'm old and then I was like when do you think you failed your driving test Catherine was it when you call the examiner incredibly old and then he laughed and laughed and then thankfully we got away with it but I was like you know with your sweet chatting Catherine is sometimes the chatting keeps going. There's no builder. But my coffee lady, the lady on my road who runs a coffee shop, found that it was my driving dress for my instructor

and wrote good luck and two kisses on the top of my coffee lid. And then when it came back after... God, you really make it a whole community's project, don't you? Oh yeah. Ellen says I'm like Bell from Beauty and the Beast, but... Yeah.

I need success. We too! She didn't say, but the needier part, but it's inferred, I think. I think she thinks I'm Bell from Beauty and the Beast just because I don't. talk to my neighbours and the local business owners. You don't talk to your neighbours. You go over

there to work out and have evenings in. Listen, I just want to talk. I just want to know the community. Yes, I like a community vibe. Anyway, shout out to Timmy for my gorgeous coffee and then when I came back, she was waiting outside afterwards to find out and we had a big hug. It was real sweet. What a lovely time. I passed my test. I was honestly, I actually

can't talk about it without getting so excited. I'm so relieved. It's over, you guys. It was so much of my life. Look, it's over. You did it. And now life is going to be super easy from now onwards. Everything else in your life has been sorted out, okay? You own property.

No, I don't. You're married. No, I'm not. Your podcast has a studio and a base that it works from. Well, it might, we've been booked for all your shows and tour for the next two years. And you're not always looking to see when the next paycheck is coming in, despite the fact

that you're putting money into comedy at the moment by renting out a studio. So I think you're thriving. Should we have on a guest? Love you so much. Don't cry. It's Kyle. L. Smith, Bino! Go back to school deliciously with Whole Foods Market.

Wake up with low-priced 365 by Whole Foods Market protein waffles and breakfast burritos. Prep lunch boxes quickly with 365 brand juice boxes, crackers, dried fruit, and more. And look for sales on no antibiotics ever ground beef and chicken breasts

that make meal prep a breeze. shop best in class fines for back to school at Whole Foods Market, in store and online. We've started. Welcome, Kyle! Welcome! Yay! Sorry the chair is falling down.

What's with your necklace? What's with it? Yeah. What's with yours? No, I'm not wearing one, Kyle. Well, the trick question. I didn't look, Dan. You didn't trick me.

What's up with your trauma? Wow, this is already intense. Are you dramatic? In some aspects. Can I ask? Are you two-faced? It's actually not a drama necklace. It's called the Masks of Comedy and Tragedy.

I believe it stems from Venetian history. You're welcome. Don't feel bad if you don't know that. And it represents like the two forms of drama. Thank you. Thank you. It makes you look like your two-faced and dramatic. And that makes me want to be your friend.

That's bitch. It's what. I brought your presents. What? Because you can't just be late And empty hand it 20 minutes late Oh my God

Who cares he brought his presents 20 minutes late I love gift I love gifties Did you forget this? Do you forget this? Don't put your hand down there The camera doesn't pick up

There's a bag And it just looks like You're harassing the guest I'm sorry Oh my God I'm gonna pick two things From here First

I mean it's all yours Sure But I feel like Did you buy us gifts Or did you just buy like anything You could find at W.H. Smith I bought your gifts

Okay amazing It's amazing Whoa Oh, it's going to be random stuff, isn't it? Like junk And he's just lying to us It's not junk

Okay I just don't know what your personal preferences Or taste is Then it's outrageous I've tried to buy us gear But I welcome them Let's see if you're right We haven't had a man in this space

For a while I don't know how to do this Do I go like who goes first? I'd give it to me first I'd give it to her first I'd go for me first I'd go for me first How you pick what the thing is

Oh yeah Might as well Lucky dip Helen Helen! Helen! Stop pushing it everything. Oh my God. Oh my God. You did so well.

I've done so well. I got the fun-sized bag of Maltises 102 grams. You've absolutely nailed. Thank you very much. Thank you everyone. I'm not as comfortable putting my hand in a man's bag. There's one furry thing in there and one wet. That's all I'll say. Wet? One wet, one furry.

No, you're good. Yes! I got many eggs. That's the best option. And you also get all the rest of the stuff. But there's something specifically for you. based on something that you told me the other day. What did I tell you the

other day? Did you hang out without me? What is that? Feminax Express, Targets, period, pain fast. He's a feminist. I'm a listener. Thank you so much. I just bits of jobs. My cunt's not going to hurt this month. Oh, my God.

Helen, I, okay, you can either have small, little, small stiddles or large stiddles. Okay, I'll have... I'm an ally. I actually want these. No. Oh, sorry, what that fuck?

Sorry, do you want those? If they're going. Because neither of you were excited about them. I'm excited about them. But you bring us a gift and you want the gift back? If there's a blue one going, I'll take it. No, I don't want those.

It's disgusting. I'll take, give me those. Okay. Thank you. You give back for you. You know what? For context, you did, you did mention this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're not a fruit. You're not a, I mean. You didn't just sniff iron in there. I'll put it out there. It still doesn't a strong choice of a gift. Huge cold. Huge cold. It's feminism.

could I say that it feels like a feminism step sometimes a bit too far? Sometimes. No, listen, I think it feels like you're a lot. Okay. And if I was in your company and you said, as you probably will have something like a, I'm bleeding.

Is that right? It was very much like that. I have thought, how do I make it less angry? I'm frightened. I do think for women in general, like part of us trying to strive towards what we're working towards, which is obviously first of all,

free the nipple and second equal pay, but really let's get the nipple done girls let's get what we need to first please free the nipple and then we'll deal with all the other injustices this this this helps me be a better me does it actually work

I personally usually just take ibuprofen so I'll be interested to see okay listen I don't want I my girlfriend's dad is a GP and he says that Feminax just has less ibuprofen and more other stuff that you don't really need it but and it is like four times the price but in many ways same as you paying like a tampon tax but it

isn't a pink box it is which does make me feel more secure that the product was made for me that's true you know hey you came here not to talk about this at all but i wonder if i would you imagine if you had if you were like the face of family i'll come with trusty hogs but i really like it's important for me that i discuss with you women's hygiene products it is important for me but also it was important that I get to keep these M&M. How much money would you have to be paid to do an ad for Feminax? Interesting question, Catherine.

What do I have to do in the advert? You just say, hey ladies, do you have your period? Have I got the product for you? And then you hold of the big box. This sounds like a voiceover. Then you hold of the box. No, you're on camera.

You've been walking through a park the whole time. Right, right. And then I thought that was sort of clear. Sorry. And then didn't you hear the birth? And then you get to the camera and then you hold up the Feminax and you say, you're welcome.

Oh, you're welcome. Welcome's tough. You're welcome. I was with you until you're welcome. You're welcome. I couldn't do that. Okay. Really?

400,000 pounds. Yeah. Okay. Can I offer you a period advert? Yeah, no. Okay. Okay. You're playing tennis in a tiny little tennis skirt.

Okay. Cute. Loved for you. Adorable. Adorable. And you and the gals are like having an apparel spritz afterwards. Uh-huh. Your face contort from pain.

No one calls it apparel sprit. That's insane. But like, I'm like, I'm not away to the apparel sprit. No, no. The orange drink with a fizzon. You know, you idiot. Apparel.

Is that the little? Apparel. Apparel. Apparel. Aparol. That's horrible. Apparel Spritz feels like the little brand. Sorry, I have dyslexia and I feel like we should allow room for people with learning difficulties.

Are you an earring woman? Apparel sprit. Right. So you've been playing tennis. Yes. You and the girls are sitting down for an apparel. Aparole. Apparel.

Apparel. Apparel. Sprits. Right. I'd say that, right? Yeah, yeah, perfect. Your face contorts and pain. We zoom in through your body into your womb.

Oh, no. Okay, and we see it all contorting and contracting with blue blood, because it's just better that way. That grows out the men, Kyle. It's uncomfortable for them. Okay, and then we zoom back out, and you're having one Feminax, and you smile down the lens. Cheers the apparel spritz and go, Feminax.

Not just for me. For you, too. my only issue with that is the drink really if I could pick another drink what if it calls apparel and not apparel then I'm still no then still no actually wow well what drink would you link to a period

but two separate questions cranberry juice you just want of cranberry juice Serrano and cranberry juice Serrano and cranberry juice please if possible oh my god really yeah I've got a bottle of port in my bag A lot of UTIs. Do you have a UTI?

Not that I know of. Why are you drinking? Have you had this one on Cranberry juice? It tastes like Sherry Bakewell. Because that's the almond. Yeah. Oh, he's a genius. Wow, we were learning so much from him.

You know that I was going to be educational. You thought I was going to come in and do bloody jokes. Sorry, my mind is blown. Whoa. You're welcome. Whoa. I think you'd advertise period products. I'm trying to think what, like, item you would advertise best.

Like, for me, I think I could advertise like any sort of like kids' toys. Like, I think like we haven't advertised trampolines yet with a big woman with a cracking pair of wabs. Like, I think that's just inherently funny. Like, just me screaming. Like, it hurts, but it's fun! Like stuff like that. You could do that cherry bakewell drink. I was in.

Yeah? You could work for ocean spray. Oh, I can't eat more like the guy. Yeah. Okay. Over the cranberry water. What? What?

Hello? No. The guy that did in lockdown was skating, um, he was like, maybe in his 40s and it was Scramberry failed. To Fleetwood Mac drinking cranberries. Whoa. And then they sent him like every flavor ever. No way.

You gotta know what I'm talking about. Well, you're not in your 40s. How'd you know? I can just tell. Oh, okay. Thanks. No, I'm not. No.

Yet. Yet. Hey, questions. You're doing a new. I feel like you know about Feminax, partly because of Helen, Helen, but also presumably, it sounds like you've been working around, if I might, a lot of ladies. That was a good segue. Thank you. That's why you got this.

You've made a new show, you've made a new show with the creator of her own sex toy line, Lily Allen. Is she? Lily's got her own sex toy line. I love her. Can you please Google it? She had her own vibrator. I'm pretty sure she had her own vibrator. Oh, good for her.

Yeah. I didn't know that. So. He doesn't mention that. You'd think that would be like a gift to the rest of the cast. Yeah, the rap gift. That'd be so cool. at the end of the shit.

I'd be furious if my rap gift was a vibrator designed by a fellow cast member. Hmm. I mean, I'd be furious personally because I wouldn't get to use it the same way everyone else does. Yeah. Oh, there's so many things you can do with vibrators. Go on. Taint, butthole, ears and rogidious zone that people always forget about.

And then also just holding it and sort of massaging it and pretending you're doing something just like mentally. Next. I guess you could also verbalise hot chocolate. Ooh. Well, how much do you think they were? Yeah, how much do you think they were? If it's worrying that much, then I'd say don't, it shouldn't be a vibrator.

Really? I'm saying that's going to do some damage. If it could whip you or... I've seen some whoppers in my time. Really? Yeah. Why, you can't even use them? No, but I've seen them on bedside tables.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know you. Bedside tables? Yes. Are you fucking pros? That's crazy. Or just like, oh, they're in there. And then open the drawer and they'd be like, what the hell is this machine? Yeah, because some of them are, like, really intense

because, like, my housemates, O'Neill obviously got a Therogun, you know, from massaging body parts, but I'm not allowed to use it when he's not there because he's worried I'm going to blast my clit off. Yeah, he is concerned about that. Because it could blast your. Also hygiene.

Blast it off. You're going to blast your clit off, love of you use that. Speaking of dramatic twist, and that is my only other segue. This one better work. Goodness, you have a new show on 9 p.m. On 8.6. On which channel?

Sky. And it's called Dreamland. And you're excited about it. I am, but quite annoyingly that's on at the same time as my other show that's on at 9 p.m. on Thursday. Pass Master Clang! He's opening his own and Benuts. He's so excited. Fuck off.

What a life. Yeah, but I'd... That's so cool. I'd rather it wasn't, you know? Yeah, no, I know. But like, as problems go... Oh, yeah, yeah. This is the biggest.

Oh, no. No, my Sky Show with Lily Allen is on the same time as when I'm on Taskmaster. It's not like a bad week. Oh, sorry, sorry. It's not like a bad week. No, it's not. It's good. Did you?

And I'll never work again. Yeah, I loved it. Did you? It's a lot of fun, but also I'm sort of worried. Why? Oh, right. Does something go wrong? It's just me.

It's so me. It's like me walking out naked into the streets for 10 weeks. Quite exposing. Quite expensive And just which episode Are you actually nude in Just if we were going to tune in to say one? Seven for example

Nice All right Get that there I'm going to plough for clit off No I'm sorry I'm better than that I don't know

You actually led me down that path I really enjoyed it Tell me about Dreamland though Is it true at set and Margate It is true I love Margate Every single lesbian couple I know Has had a row and Margate

A row? Thank you, M. Oh, yeah. Well, they go there to have the round. We go there to have the RAS. You did? You want to break up a market on Valentine's Day. I don't know a single person.

I've never seen that before. Oh yeah, she points her double fingers at me because she thinks it's gay. Is it not an ally ship? She thinks it's fingering. Okay. Um, look, I don't know. One of the pink, one on the stink? Easy access?

No. Not like that. Well, I'd be like, oh. I'm like. I'm straight. I'm straight. I wouldn't know. I once worked with a guy who pointed like that.

No. Yeah. going to say come here but he decided to say come he's like you whoa did he have like a tendon issue like an issue with no just enjoyed pointing for anyone who's just listening Kyle's pointing with his palm facing the heavens

I forgot we're not just doing it for M I am wait so okay so the show is set in mortgage that's all I know so far yeah Lily Allen's name you're being really professional about this look you brought you we brought you here I almost said you brought yourself here

she's breaking out no I didn't think you brought gifts because you're late. You're being very nice. I think the least we could do is promote your show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's true. I've got to do the show. And people, no offense, I've already heard of Taskmaster. So tell us about Dreamland. Dreamland is set in Marguet. It's about four sisters who... Which one do you play? The oldest and the younger. We love a multi-roller.

Lily Allen's the other two. Are they adopted? We'll get it mine out. And I'm the husband of the eldest sister, played by Freeman. I love her. She's... A dream. she's incredible imagine if you said anything else

imagine if you're like she's such a bit oh yeah that too but she's a good actor yeah she's she's an outstanding actress actually and actor yes thank you no it's okay you can say whatever feels right for you at the time

question were you actually filming a Margate though or were you filming like in London and then it was just like set in Margate the exterior was a Margot yes fabulous that's the thing I want to get a job that films in Disney World but I don't want to end up being

bobbed off at some studio in LA oh yeah it's not about me but like if you hear of any going in Hollywood yeah do you think I'm in Hollywood I think you go to Hollywood I mean I went can I base of the fact that I saw you wearing one

Disneyland Spirit jersey which I know you have to be at Disney's California adventure to buy whoa yeah that's very specific that's where I got it from crazy so I know you've been Hollywood what's the role okay the husband

What's his vibe? Is he a nice guy? Listen. What's the best of the show? Good guys make bad decisions. Ooh. Spoken like a true bad guy. And what's the show bit?

It's about. Sisters. Yes. What else? The sisters and. It's not just them doing their family tree the whole time. They have to do other things. Yeah, it's like DNA journey.

The eldest, the eldest sister, Trish, played by Freemar, is expecting her third child with her husband. Spence played by a Kail Smith minor. Nice. And then. Spence, sounds like a dick. Yeah, well, good guys do bad things, Catherine. That's true. Not Spence.

That's my new motto. Spence's are douchebags. Really? Do you think? Tough. What if his name was Spencer? Oh, sad nerd. Worse?

Sad nerd. Yeah, but if that worse or better? You decide. I think, I think better. Really? So, her husband, Spencer, they are expecting in their third child

and then an estranged not estranged she went away for a bit and came back returning prodigal prodigal

thank you is that really the word for it prodigal yeah having read the prodigal prodigal

yeah apparel prodigal prodigal sister returns with a bombshell doon don't don't

is that is that Lily and you mustn't travel with a bomb no we just haven't That's his old-school banter. Her rise home with a bombshell.

And suddenly we're in World War II. Now that is a TV show. Do they time travel in it? Oh, yeah. Season two. Oh, yeah. It's really well-acted. Is it?

I think everyone, I went to the screen and watched episode one and two. And obviously, I watched it. Got your relief if you think it's good and you're in it. I think that's like a huge sign because you're so critical when you're in things yourself, I find. Yeah. I mean, the first time I'm not actually watching anyone else. Apart from that. Yeah, of course.

But second time around, I still enjoyed it. Nice. And then I saw it at the screen in on a big screen. And then thought, I should have, I should have popped that spot. No, nightmare. Where was it? Cool head. Bloody cheek.

Yeah. The bloody cheek of it. Very droll. We're going to the moon. It's just good to have nice banter. Do you know what I mean? It is good. Well, it sounds amazing.

And it sounds like, uh, it's time. For a listener problem. I think you're going to be very good at this. Can I get in the blue ones? Yeah, I get in there. Can I just quickly check? What's this blue one thing? Right.

So... That's mad. If anyone is listening, Kyle said, I want a blue M&M peanut and he poured out onto his hand. Two orange peanuts and five blue ones without any sorting. Just get away. Manifest it. Right.

I'm... Okay, no, I was going to manifest something really disgusting then. I would like us to... I'm going to manifest it. I don't want to have another shit today. There we go. How many have you had? I've had one.

Oh, right, fine. But it really took the window. Edn MacArthur, who I do a show with. I was with Ed on Friday. You were. And me? No, you weren't there. He once in a rehearsal day did eight.

Eight poos and one day. Yeah, what? No, poos. Who's got a bloody keep up now? Can we do a taste test? Since I've turned into my 30s, if I have more than one poo, it really ties me out. I hate. Let's do a taste test.

Can we do a taste test? Shall I blind myself? Is that okay? I know that's not a segment of your show, but I'd like you to... Because some people say that the blue ones don't taste any different. And I think they have to, because nothing in nature is blue. Pick which one you want. Eat that.

And then, yeah. Go for it. No, no, no. Wait, keep your eyes closed. No, no, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, because you don't know what color. Taste like a peanut M&M and M.

Okay, great. And then you... The other one. Honestly, it tastes like a yellow coating. Okay. Interesting. I mean, mm-hmm. Okay, now from your response, I think this one's yellow,

and I just put a blue one in. Okay. Okay, you're very good at hiding mystery. No, no, no, no. Catherine's gone quiet because I figured her out. No, no, no, no. That one tastes, can I be, can I be real? Yeah.

Please be honest. That one tasted like a brown casing. Right. Wow. But if you had to pick a blue out of the two. Out of the two, it would have been the first one. Okay. Can I open my eyes?

Yes. Can I look at my teeth? Because I want to pass one on this side more. Just in case there was a mirror option, but there isn't. But did they taste different to you. They did taste different, yeah. Okay, because some people, people on the internet say that all of the M&Ms are the same. Who?

Most people. They are all the same. They say that all, pardon me? They all taste the same to me. Do you? I'll let you two up. Which one was the blue one? Second.

Damn it. What was the first one? Brown. I'm an idiot. Orange. Orange. Sorry. I said yellow.

I can't let you light her. I forgot. I forgot and I just looked at her and thought. I'm only little. You mustn't lie to women. It's just that I forgot and then I looked at her and then I thought about her poo and then I said, Brown. Which one?

How do you know. Oh, stop it. Sorry. Sorry. It was a very heavy one wide night of mine. I hate you. Actually, I went to Nonna's restaurant last night. Can you shut up?

I don't want to hear about your poo. No, but Nonna's restaurant isn't, I didn't poo at Nonna's. Is that the Polish place? No, Sunil decided to cook as an Italian old woman for me last night. And he went, oh, welcome to Anna's house. Oh, nice. Our housemate's called Sunil. He's really...

No, he knows Sunil. They did a short together. I like that guy. He's mean. We don't like him. Really? Well, he's mean to Helen sometimes. Well, Helen's kind of mean to him, but he doesn't like it.

And that's kind of moaning. I'm no longer allowed to touch his head. Apparently, I ruin his hair. Yeah. I'd love to watch you guys at home, but without you knowing that I'm watching. Everyone wants that. It's a lot of, like, sibling play fighting and running around. And since he's installed locking key on his door.

but the games end a lot quicker. Why has you done that? I'm not allowed in his roomy. Just to say hello. How close to show our rooms? Close. It's just the two of us in the flat. There's a bathroom between us.

Do you live alone? Um, no. Wow. That was a man who did not want to answer any follow questions. I totally respect it. Um, ask me no more personal questions. Well, I won't then, Kay. Um, I'm ready for a problem now.

I've told them about none of my poo and peanut M&Ms. Okay. Are you having a lovely time Or do you hate this podcast? I honestly am. Can I just say Ghost won a Chorto Award I was the only person that attended

I got the award Tessa was like Can I take it home? Tessa Coates Yeah Can I take it home And I was like She's kept it

Yeah Never seen it since Are she in Ghost? No What the fuck? I fucking love Tessa Coates Has got the Ghost Award And

She's amazing Members of the ghost cast Are like What is it? What is it? whatever happened to that school award and I can't tell them that Tesa Coates have got it. So they just think you're hogging it. Yeah. Also so sad

last series of ghosts. Yeah, I'm sorry. I love it so much. How do you feel about it? Fine. No, it's got to end, isn't it? You've got to end on a high. I get it. You've got to end it and also like how many more summers can you spend in Guilford? I understand. I wish it was bloody summer. I'm all right. Here we go. That's not a problem. Yikes. Catherine is not focused then, but I am. She's not focused.

Ready. So this is from D. Hi, D. My problem is I've always found it hard to make and keep friends. I usually find it really embarrassing, but as I've grown older, I see that I have quality over quantity and I've grown more confident in myself. Great. However, I am definitely seen as a friend for bad times. A lot of them really lean on me when they're having problems for advice, support, company,

but seem to forget me when things are going well. Even my best friend who I speak to every day openly admits that she forgets to invite me to fun group things because I'm a separate friend. Oh my God. I went to uni with them. I also find that people are happy to cancel on me because they know I'll understand. My oldest friend just announced two days before that she wouldn't be coming to my baby shower that I'd rearrange so she could make because she had too much on.

I'm glad she feels safe with me and that people feel I'm a safe place in a storm. But how do I get people to appreciate that I actually have big stuff on to and would like to sometimes have fun times slash be celebrated? Can I just say someone, first of all, you've got lovely energy about you? Doesn't she? It's great. I can feel it through that, through the glass. Through the glass, it's fantastic.

Em is in this gorgeous, soothing, serene mood as she always often is, and she's sort of a lovely presence, having been up at 6.30 to chefs this morning. Insane. Insane. I would never have known. I thought you got up half an hour ago. Glowing. I don't know what that means.

I don't know what that means. Also, as that, as you were reading that, I thought, they hate your boyfriend. And then I heard baby shower, and I was like, they fucking hate your boyfriend. Wow. That is such, I had not even thought about that. It's first, the only thing I thought of. Do we know if they had a heterosexual relationship or is it like a baby shower like having baby by themselves or with a, actually no information about that?

We do, no idea. You're assuming boyfriend though. Oh, but partner, they hate your partner. Because we were talking about this. Do you remember like an hour ago and I was saying like everyone's got like a friend's partner who they have to just like tolerate. Yeah, but it does make you back out of stuff. Oh, you're a detective.

Well, you know. I think your friends are being trash. to be honest, is my first response, which is like, I understand that there are friends that I definitely go to for certain things. Yeah, okay, fine. Catherine loves I, right, you love people having breakdowns around you. So yes, we do gravitate towards you. But then why do you cook so much?

Because you're always sad and food cheers you up. Food tears you up. And also, Helen, if I may, sometimes you'll come to the house and be like, all I've had today is like seven dominoes pizzas and two bottles of wine this week and I'll be like okay well how about I cook you a vegetable like I sometimes do it because like

it seems like you have scurvy or something like you're fat maybe because you don't have any gark oh gark it's balk I am fascinated by your theory about this boyfriend situation I think that's a really good really good shout I think also I would be interested to know what your energy is

I believe it or not don't get invited to a lot of fun times either I'm very much a tough time friend too you are a tough time and good time friend I'd say but I wonder thank you I think so what do you do west London I know but my girlfriend lives in East London so I'll be there a lot what kind of East though that's what borough hackney you know her do I whisper to me we've like Ellen from Brittany Ellen from Brittany Ellen Robertson, we've met, we've met, we've been out several times with you. Together? Yeah.

Remember Ashlings party? Yeah, I just didn't know. You thought we were just like gabbing downstairs like gal pals? Yeah. You thought we were friends. Honestly, I was there for ages as well. Sometimes they go home and lick each other out and I know it's insane to think about, but it does happen. It is insane to do.

I know it is, isn't it? Don't think that is. And then you think about it and then you get annoyed because you don't think about it. They're pissed off as well. What can I think about? Where can I look? you know there's no winning in this day and age you know what get me on Joe Rogan

I'm sick of it that's excellent what a fantastic pairing I love that I do love that I'm having experience Catherine as a good time friend at parties yeah you definitely remember

and don't at all come to my party we'd love to but you know my point being I think sometimes it's based on your energy, which is to say that I wouldn't invite me to a lot of fun times because let's be honest, if it's dirty, I don't want to go. If it's sticky, I don't want to go.

If it's not really thoroughly planned out, I don't want to go. Oh, hang on. Tell me about that last bit. As in, like, it took me a year to get to go to the rainforest cafe with me. And it was awful. What I'm saying to you about, like, not really organised. It's like, I don't want to go to your house for a party that's like, everyone's going to bring a beer and we don't have a plan.

That is the plan. Everyone brings a beer. I know, Kyle. I know that is the plan. But have you tidied your house before I get there? Tidied? Like, are we doing food? Catherine does dinner party.

What if we get hungry? She does themed dinner parties. I just feel like, what have we got hungry, Kyle? Is there a food plan? Well, the party's not going to start until 10, so eat before she come. She has to start her skin care night time routine at 9.30. Oh. What?

What time were you thinking? It's seven. she's losing at him okay yeah i'll say nine get there at 10 pussy licking start 10 15 man she's got to be gone don't think about it don't think about it i'm not i'm not you don't have to brush your teeth after oh disgusting so i just think I'm going to part of the sides of 10

yeah so Catherine is can i speak on behalf of you for a bit So I'll see you guys for brunch the next day. Wow. She's more like a nice dinner party, but like people have like dressed up. Like you're not really going to an event with Catherine if it's like you're going from something else. You know what I mean? Like she will gig in full party outfit. Yeah.

So she can just go straight to the party earlier. Okay. So what happens if you go to something and then everyone's like, oh, we're going to go to this thing now? And they just decided. Like, oh, yeah. Like, oh, this isn't really the vibe. We're going to go somewhere else. It depends on how many drinks I've said.

there is a precise moment you could catch me where I might come with you as long as we're Ubering I'm not walking I've seen this in motion when we once started walking somewhere she found out it was five minutes longer than she thought and she refused to move until we all get in the Uber What is it? Do you love your house? I was wearing heels

Yeah my head was gorgeous Sure sure sure I mean I read but I made that blazer really Hell me No it's also like I've never I've never worn a sensible shoe When we're going out ever So if you tell me it's a seven minute walk I can get my head around that mentally. If you say it's a seven-ish minute walk and then turns out to be 17,

go fuck yourself. Fair. You know what I mean? Fair. Is there a chance that our sweet little problem person is a bit of a catheter? Is there a chance that we're dealing with a bit of a cat? That's what I'm wondering. Is like, are they like, also sometimes I think if you're like a little bit, if you're like a very intimidatingly good host, sometimes people don't invite you back. Intimidatingly good eyes. Sometimes people don't want to invite you back because they're like, what if you're hosting at someone else's house? No, like if they don't want to have you at, But they're stuck because you've been too impressive a host. That's what my mom says.

Sometimes happens maybe to me. Because I don't have friends to invite me to things. That's nice. She says that she says. Yeah, she's nice. She also says freckles are the sun kissing your face. They are their kisses from the sun. So maybe that's it.

Maybe you're just too impressive a friend, babe. I think your friends are being dick. Yeah, I think you have to remember. But there's got to be at least one friend that you can take to her side and be like, what's going on? What's up? Surely there's one friend at least that you can speak to honestly. That's the thing.

And we all have friends that we go into like, I do have friends that naturally the chats can be more intense. Like I've got a set, not you, another friend of mine who are like, we do have a very intense chat. Do you have a more intense?

Yeah, I do actually. I want no one of that. We get into the meat of stuff, but like we're still able to have, and now I'm saying this out loud, I'm realizing that maybe I should have more fun with her as well. But like, okay, you know what? We all need to do better.

Is it Emma Black? No, no. It's a woman I used to work with. actually like a good friend of mine so maybe you should take her out for a nice evening I should take her out for a nice evening yeah bit of fun bowling no that's the thing that was just because you wouldn't go this is the thing they can't clean the finger holes and I don't want to borrow shoes so what does what does it can't clean there's no way they're getting those clean there's got to be a way to clean no they just go round and round don't they yeah but it's

finger juice there's got to be a way to get to get those clean how you can clean anything can you? How what? You can, if you can train you can train an ant. What? There was a guy on set. I can't remember what I was doing.

I was doing some job in here. I was like, what? You can train? I think it was like a spider on set or something. And he was like, yeah, you can train anything. And I was like, what do you mean anything? It was like, you can train any animal.

It's just a reward system. No, you cannot. No, you cannot train a man. But it's just a reward system. So I am. So, can you note down that I need to get an ant after this cruise.

Guess is. got a new bloody hobby here a fucking come. Can they collect me things? Yeah. I'm going to get an ant army this summer barbecuing for me. This is going to be fucking sick. Life is just reward systems, isn't it? Like, you would go to

work because we get rewarded with money. Oh my God. What? Oh my God, I'm a donkey with a carrot. That's all I ever will be. Oh my God, I see it. Oh my God. Kegito Ego sum. Motherfuck. I don't know.

those last three words, but I feel like... I think, therefore I am, René Descartes. It's also the only thing she knows. Carpe bloody DM. Oh, of course. My apology. Carpe do one, three, huh? I'm all right.

The men are talking. My question is this. Thursdays, 9pm. Taskmaster. Yes. Thursday, 9 p.m. April. April 6th. It's already out.

Sky. Dreamland. Yeah. Ghosts final series Anything else you want people to see You're doing your live show again anytime soon Yeah yeah Yeah, yeah, doing String v Spel

You saw that didn't you? Yeah, I loved it In downstairs in Soho December or April December? December December was good April was great Oh

No wait I did see it in April Because that's when I was doing my show Great, yeah Yeah because I stayed I stayed and watch it after me Aw So that's gonna be at Soho Theatre again

Yes August Fantastic I don't think I'm allowed to say Who fuck it's fucking theatre Okay Okay, people can keep an eye at. Yeah, yeah.

And Instagram, Twitter, TikTok, do you do any of those? I don't do TikTok. Do you do? The others, yeah. What will people find you at? If they tried hard enough, they'll find it. Wow. We'll tag Kyle and everything we perish for, just tag Kyle.

I don't want to, I don't want to leave. Oh, you must. I don't want me. I've got my sweet to you now. You go, fuck off. Before this period kicks in, now I've got time to get feminacts down my gob. Thank you very much, Kyle. Thank you.

Thank you.