Trusty Hogs - Ep83. SUNIL PATEL / Dancing, Drip & Domestic Life

Episode Date: May 4, 2023

Another returning favourite this week as Helen's housemate, brilliant comedian, and voice of Brunch Bars, Sunil Patel joins us in the studio! We get straight into a domestic update on life with Helen, solve the problem of a nightmare neighbour, and say some quite horrific things about a vacuum cleaner...FOLLOW SUNIL: @SunilPatelSolutionsThank you so much for listening!Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Simon Moores / Guy Goodman / Mary Fox / Annie Tonner / Sarah Jarque-Deakin / Oliver Jago / Stewart KerrPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Karen & David Bull / Harald van Dijk / Eddie Doyle / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Jo Holmes / Sarah & Molly / Alex Pugh / Josie W / Amy / Cordelia / Raia Fink / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Sophie Chivers / Graham Marsh / Emily Gee / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Kie Web / Matt Sims / Luke Bright / Leah / Kate Spencer / Mae Williams / Tristin / Liz Fort / Taz / Klo / Becky Fox / AmieWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to episode 83 of Trusty Hall. A podcast where me, Helen Bauer, the sweetest, most balanced, most gorgeous angel, just talks about my life and then every now and again, famous comedian and great talent, Catherine Bowhart tries to join in the conversation, but I will take control. We're co-hosting. We're co-hosting, I forget about the co-hosting, talking about it. You know, the person who asks you questions, that's me.

Yeah, and then when you never ask questions back, anywho, episode 83, welcome. We also, of course, answer all of your listener problems. We're excited to do that today. Today our special guest is none other than Helen's housemates. The love of my life. Also a very successful comedian, a very funny boy. Yes. And it sounds like a lot's going on there.

So I have a lot of questions. Through the fog. Step for the trusty hogs. Yeah. You're going to give them your problems and they will solve them. Or maybe they won't. and that's your problem They'll have guests

And Andrew White on the tech Oh, it's Helen and Catherine As the trusty hogs Trust the trusty hogs Or maybe not We can get into it When you bring them in Let's not do it now

Let's first tell me How's the rest of your life going Forget home for the minute Because we're going to be preoccupied With that one, the boy shows up Well how about you tell me What's happening at your home? Oh

Oh, my God. Are you deflecting for a reason? Are you having a mad? No, no, I just, I've just, I thought, you know what? Give her a chance. Give her a chance. Give the old gal a chance. Oh my God, okay.

So, well, funny you should say that because one of our listeners, Georgie, is divine, and works at, is an actor and also works at a gym called FS8, which is appellated to F-45. They gave me a free trial. Yes, of the workout class. Of the Pilates, performer, floor work. Oh, my God. first of all it's like Helen it's the most incredible space

you walk in and it's like a tranquil in the middle of London I'm not to saying this because they gave me a free trial like I don't have to promote it and also all of the people who work there are like slightly intimidating women monochrome wait like all wearing grey all wearing black and white lovely very like

sexy bossy energy you're like oh my god I need to be I'm going to be on time for this class I'm not do what I'm told you know like I don't physically have the capability but I'm going to try my heart these women are impressive a lot of head girl energy in there yeah a lot of that it's gorgeous like they just have like nice towels

nice shower gel there's a hair straightener in the change room there's not even any plasters I'm not used to stop it I'm not used to wait the hair straighteners that you can just use or how you can't you can just use there are like neon candles lying around the place it's just gorgeous it's gorgeous so I'm doing these classes and I'm doing

this challenge we have to do 30 classes in 45 days. Yes, of course, yeah, yeah. But the first one, you had to do like 10 and 15. Anyway, they use a star chart. You tick off your name after your class. Obviously, I'm deriving. I thought online to be like,

ah, a star chart at a gym. Oh, babe, I saw this online. Yeah. It's exactly my... All I got from the hogs were like, looks like that woman Rosanna's beating him. I was like, are you fucking kidding? Are you kidding me?

And by the way, they all said Rosanna because she's the only one who is. And she's a very nice woman. I make her laugh every time. She shows up to 10. two classes a day. She's obviously working through or something. I was like the audacity of this.

No one was like well done. Everyone was like, seems like you're being beaten. You're doing really well because I saw you after your first class. I was in agony. You were a shell of a woman. And Catherine, as well, let's we forget,

is someone who is very careful with her words and never wants to say anything that could hurt someone's feelings. I went, oh, you know what? She contacted me and offered me the same thing. Do you think I'd be up for it? And Catherine was like, Helen, I can barely do the exercise.

I don't think you should be anywhere near that space. I don't think I said you shouldn't be anywhere near that space, but I was like, it's hard. You made it very clear that a big bouncy Helen would not feel safe in that space. And I genuinely appreciate for you looking out for me and not lying. I love you and I didn't mean like that. I just meant like, I don't, I think that you would be crying and smoking very quickly

and that they would not appreciate that in the class. it just it feels like everyone's very quiet as well you know like no one no one's like commenting out loud how it's going for them no no it's a lot of deep breathing um while they torture you the the girls who teach the class would like dance around the room no you know i and i'm sorry for that is that the wrong thing to say no no it was the right thing to say but did i hurt your feelings no you didn't hurt my feelings i'd always rather someone be like that's not for you then someone go like, you'd love it. It'll be really good for you.

And then I show up to an exercise class where I'm like, it's going to be a mixed ability class and everyone's there like fucking doing like somersaults and I'm like, you know what? I do just have to cry. Yeah, like it's, no, I completely know what you mean. It's like when someone's like, let's go for a run and you're like, oh no, I'm very slow.

And they're like, oh no, I'll go slow. And you're like, ah, that's not the same as I am very slow. And they're like, no clue. Honestly, I can go at your pace. And then you go out and they're like, should we speed it up? And you like, I just fucking said to you that I'm slow. You've just unlocked a memory for me. Okay, I must have been like 11 or something.

And you know when like something fluky happens? Like for some reason we had like a cross country PE lesson where you just run in a circle around the field. And for some reason it went my way. Right. And I did very well. And then instead of being like, oh, just because you had a good day and you're always just like, because you were running fast

so everyone else couldn't be fucked. I then go, well that's my calling, I guess. So I immediately assume that I meant to be a marathon runner, despite the fact that, I really should have nothing to do with Not that I was on like The fags and the booze at that age But I wasn't exactly like

I was on a lot of BNBNs Like you know what I mean Like I was BNBN Do do do do do do do do do do Do I'm not about it! Like I was drinking five alive juice Like it was water

Like I was a real mess A dehydrated girl full of B I was secretly an early bitch So I And then I was like You need the juice after the BNBNs then I guess I'm cross country now so I signed up

or like my brother or someone in my town did this like cross country like club in Aldershore where they met up and they went for a run and it was like teenagers and I was like well I guess that's me and it's already at the age of 11 where the sporty girls

for some reason are like cool right yeah and it's cool to be sporty and I did it and they all started running and I was like there for like 10 steps and I was like nope not for me and they all went off but you're like I can't shout out that I quit I don't want to do that

but I also don't want to go on the run, but I was all so young enough to know if I go missing, then I don't want the police to get involved. So, like, all of this is going through my mind, and I'm there being like, just, just fake an asthma attack, just fake it, just fake it. Drama's your calling. Always, I did it before in a swimming pool as well. Like, I don't remember what happened.

I think I needed a wee, but I was too scared to go, can I go for a wee? So I pretended to have an asthma attack. I'm so proud of you for not peeing in the pool, babe. Thank you so much. Oh, no, it's because it was the same time when I believed it turned purple. Okay. Do you remember this amazing time? Oh, what a time.

God bless you early naughty. It just unlocked a horrible memory for me, which is that I went to a hyper-competitive sporty school for girls, obviously, and there was like this tryout where you'd go represent the school in, like, cross-country, but also like specifically the 1500-meter race. The 1500, okay, I've got a bone to pick for that race. So, we would run this race round and round around the hockey pitch, and similarly, randomly, it went my way. I didn't run, I wasn't an exercise goal, I did karate. Maybe it happens. Right. Okay.

So get this. The PE teacher is like, I'm not one of the like sports girls. Mm-hmm. She's obviously like this isn't what I decided would be the five who get to go represent the school. So she's confused. So she just goes straight after we're done. She goes, hmm, I think we have to do it again. Oh.

So we did it straight away again. I'm such a stubborn little brat. I was like, fuck you. I knew exactly what she was doing. I was like fuck you I tried my hardest I did not go my way

I am so sorry that happened to you and it was fucking brutal I was like I'm gonna throw up that's what's gonna happen I'm gonna throw up the woman's a wench and the more you panic the more you're like

I will actually throw up but also I was so annoyed that I had like I was carrying rage around which you think would fuel you but actually just inhibited me like I couldn't really breathe I was so angry

yeah so you actually had an asthma attack whilst I was there going it feels like I am there someone sitting on my chest I was like this is an injustice I honestly I still like the idea of me being sporty

the idea of like me like in the same way this is going to sound so polar opposites in the same way that I really like the idea of me being a weed smoker like I love the idea because I tried with weed like it's so rare that people actually try

to get into drugs but like I've got such an anxious mind. It makes me so paranoid. That, me too. And I feel sick. I feel paranoid.

I feel awkward. I don't feel like right. But the idea of being able to switch off of an evening, have a couple of tokes, have a gummy, and then just lie down and fall asleep. Oh, heaven. Imagine. And I want that. Let me introduce you to melatonin.

We've met. Oh. It's weed for the anxious gal. It's sleeping for the very paranoid. a bottle. It's only available in America though. It's also, if you get the gummies right and they're from your listeners and mine are, they taste delicious

and a palm of credit. Wait, listeners gave you drugs? Yeah. Which ones? Sadie. Cajmore brought me. Sadie! Sorry, Sadie. Andrew just mime down. They're delicious and they put me to sleepieslisle. Can you Google if they sell melatonin in Australia?

Thank you. Because that would be amazing. Because I I was honestly, I took it for the first time in January on the plane coming back. We're not. We're not pushing drugs. We're not pushing drugs. Prescription only. Oh. Mother fuck. I'm sure there'll be a festival doctor get there and go, I can't leave it like. Well, you know me and festival doctors? You love them. You love them. I just

think it was the biggest revelation of my life that I don't have to lie there for hours. I know. And I can just switch off. I know. And like the good thing is, is because people like start themselves. young sometimes like I'm starting it 30 or 31 like I just need five milligrams and I'm out I know oh yeah like a shot like and I heard people talking they take like four they take like 20 milligrams to get out and I was like no no no no no no so I'm on five yeah and sometimes I don't need it oh no I don't need it I don't take it every day or else I would feel like I was addicted but I think the important thing is just to go off to sleep do you think some people just have

that inherently yes yes I do the ability to just switch off my dad like that but are they thick no my dad he does this thing where he works really hard

and he only goes to bed and he's tired so weird Andrew looks really offended by that and so am I it is rude it is oh my god also my parents came to stay with me

and can I say do you actually want to go crazy their trauma and having parents stay with you don't say that no I was lovely but what I will say is

oh my god parents no matter how like they stay up drinking still same thing 645 Morning What 645?

645? Oh one time One morning My dad slept until 20 to 8 And he was like It's the afternoon I was like

Are you kidding me? By the way They drag us under the table Every single night And is this when you're like Sleeping in the living room So they So they wake up

And they're like morning coffees Oh babe Yeah I was like How are you? you do it? I don't know how they do it. I do not know how they do. Do they do like napes? Yeah, like afternoon nappies? My dad, my dad did a double nap day one other days. I was like, fair play to you, Tim. Fair play to. Naps, I'm still figuring out my own nap cycle. I sort of

want a parent to come in and give it to me like schedule. I'll be honest, mine's out of control at the minute. I napped 8 to 9 p.m. the other day. 8 to 9 p.m. That's, it was bad. I should have just gone to bed. Yeah, that's a disaster. It was a disaster. I woke up and I was like, Senil, play with me and he was like, you've done this to yourself. You've fucked it, yeah. Good luck to you, love. And then I watched Real Housewives for three hours. Okay.

God. I'm back in season six. Beverly Hills, I'm back in season six. Okay. No, New York. Interesting. So here's the thing with New York. It's good, but Beverly Hills has my heart.

I hear you. And this is like, if you go in at season six, you're just after the big fight between Kim Richards and Lisa Renner in Amsterdam. Not the way. And we're into the Munchausen. season which is terrible in every level but what a season oh it's so good i was watching an episode maybe i'll watch it like yesterday and it was just it was so frustrating watching it because it's only it's in the last decade right but even then conversations have already moved on so

much about things oh my god heaven what's the one what's her name the older one she's got like that weird of long nose and face weird long nose and face what are all their names. Okay, Lisa Vanderpump, Kyle Richards, Kim Richards. No, not them. Are you talking about early seasons? Because it does change. Dorek Hemsley, Erica Jane.

Who do I mean? Garcel. Who do I? You know, Erica Jane, her husband was like, oh my God. Yes. Okay. An incredible lawyer and worked with Erin Brockovich and did nothing else wrong. No, I'm joking.

He was fucking awful. Tom Girardi. I was like, listen to the episode of American Greed about him. Really? Ooh. It's good. Sorry, okay, so yeah, the napping's out of hand. What else have I been doing?

I've been exercising. P.S., obviously all exercise should be for all people, but not all exercise can be for people with bad attitudes. And sometimes I think that that class would expect too much positivity for me. Not all exercises for all people, and not all food is for all people. Like, sometimes I see women going into a pizza hot buffet, and I'm like, it's bloody wasted on you. We've got to, I know everyone could do whatever they want,

but sometimes we do have to be respectful of our own limitations. in all inclusive space but also you're paying 2499 to have a nibble You're a fucking moron You're taking up a booze No we can't fit in the boasts of girls I'm talking about I hear you

I hear you I hear you I hear you No I think my exercise I definitely want a more mixed ability class And I want gals to be making jokes And talking throughout it Do you want to dance? Would you dance?

Francis goes to Rihanna dance classes And I think I need to be part of them Like just like Riving all over the floor There's a queer dance class on Tuesday nights in East London and Shoreditch called not body movements. It's like shape shifters.

And it's two hours every week. It's like different Daniel apparently like a gorgeous man teaches or a person teaches this class. I don't know their pronoun. Teaches this class of different types of dance every week. Which sounds so fun. Yes, please. Yeah, my friend Lizzie was telling me about it and I was like,

that sounds amazing. Because I just did dance the other day for the fuck. Do you see those pictures? Yeah, you have. The Eurovision. Yeah. It must be out by now because we're like

We're recording this before I go to Australia So Dave have like done this spoof video where they enter Eurovision And in it like I went to the filming You looked phenomenal I knew Joan I was so obsessed with the outfits They put me in

The caped body suit Of mirrored material That like made your ass like a disco ball It was so it was like a day of highs and lows Because like everything was so fun And then it got to these like second outfits And like I already understand like when filming's very last minute

and they ask for my sizes, I'm like, good luck with this because I'm very tall, I have massive tits and I'm also fat, which is like, in general, clothing believes the taller you get, the thinner you are.

Yeah. So I'm a tricky body to get things quick. I think we would phrase that as the fashion industry is dog shit addressing you. The fashion industry is dog shit addressing me. My body's fine and perfect.

My body's fine and perfect. Thank you. Just want to clarify, you're not tricky. They're obnoxious. So they only had these like mirrored outfits he's all these matching ones in a in a UK woman size 10 which is like there's not even like there's no even I'm a 22 we cannot even pretend to try it on like it's not even funny like it's

just so everyone was wearing matching outfits and I was like okay and they were like this is you and I was like I'm really going to stand out yeah and then you locked it worked out so good You locked for normal or not. I got the best outfit and they were like, we can put Helen and hers last because hers is the most comfy. And I was like, thank you everyone today. It's sometimes, oh my God,

and I didn't tell you this either. It was the best day of my life. So got dressed up, felt like a princess, learned some dance moves. That's so fun. Including like some funny hand ones that made me feel like I was in the parent trap. Nice, nice, nice.

And then one of the runners said to me, do you watch The Apprentice? And I was like, yeah, I love it. Like I just finished last season Marty's running a gym down the road from me is fucking sick

and she went you know the cafe they go to the bridge before they go in tether me with Lord Trigger it's there

and it was round the corner I lost my fucking mind did you go in there and plan something I couldn't I couldn't go in it

okay it's just like the shell of it but good for you I guess that's me now oh my god you're so TV that's wild actually not going on TV it's going on YouTube okay that's a lot of people's TV

please give it a watch wait to circle back you liked the dancing yes well let's get you on a bloody dance class babe I'd love that like I feel like that's what I like about FSA 8 is that it's honestly the first time where I've gone to a class because I like how I feel in it rather than like because they don't have mirrors and they do like count ends and I like to know what's going on and when it's going to be done I really need to know what I'm exercising when it's going to be over. I can't be doing with these people who are like, 10, nine, oh, we'll add on another one. You're like, no, get to fuck. You said it was 10. I'm going with 10. I get what you mean. Yeah. Like, I need all those things. And I like that it changes. It's like really, really quick. Like you move from one thing to

the next very fast. Like you don't have to. Oh, is it like circuit. Yeah, basically. So it doesn't repeat itself very often either. So I'm like, fine. This is all great. The second something gets repetitive, my brain goes, I know what the torture is and I don't want it anymore. So it really works for me, but similarly like if dance really works for you, I think you should do that. The most exercise I ever do, like, apart from swimming, because I do like swimming, is when, like, I want to learn a dance routine.

Oh my God, then we need to... Like, learning Wuthering Heights from Katebush, learning the Miley Cyrus, boom de-clep, boom-de-clip. Shall we go to shape-shifting? Is it queer? Is it queer only? No, I think it'll be queer inclusive. No, I've been happy to get my dungarees out. I don't want to be a dick about. Actually, we'd expect you to your boobs out because that's being an

ally. Really? Yeah. Can I not, that means I can go to bitch please as well then. Fuck sake. I'm going to go to bitch please. I'm going to go I'm infiltrating the queer spaces. Oh my God, about infiltration. Finish Bird Song. How is that the same? How is that the same? It was awful. I think I told you

this on the phone, but not on the podcast. I was reading Bird Song, got very upset. Stopped reading it. Watched my new film for the week. Which was? Elephant Man. Oh, no. Awful.

Have you ever seen it? Yeah. Awful. Andrew, have you seen Elephant Man? Don't. This lovely man, John Merrick. Is it black and white? It's black and white, but it was filmed in the 80s, but it's set in like the late 1800s.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember watching it on the television, like with ads and things. It's horrific. Oh, my God. And I got really upset, so I had to stop watching it. I went back to Bird's songs, so I was trying to fall asleep. I think this was a melatonan night. And then I woke up.

the next morning. Make your dreams bit weird, can't it? Oh. Loopy dreams. Really weird. Those melly dreams. Very specific. Yes, yes. Yes. And not what I would choose. Yeah. But not not against it. They're always bad.

But like, wow, Jesus Christ, do I have an imagination? Yeah, I believe you. Let's say that. It's just, it's been a lot for me. And then I finished watching it. And then you know when you're like, oh, it, films make things worse than they are. you know to make for dramatic effect no no

he was treated terribly yeah I googled it yeah no really badly really badly if you get elephantitis yeah I will stand by you

thank you I won't make you feel like a you'd be horrible to work in a sad no I wouldn't you'd be vital to me I'd love you I'd love you more

I'd love you I'd want to see yeah like I'd be curious I'd want to look but I think we all we all would right

your hell I love you so much. Your hell. All I'm saying is bird song's incredible and I highly recommend it. Are you excited for Australia? Leaving me. I'm there right now. This is what so weird about like recording in advance.

Like we're in the past right now. I'm furious right now because you're gone without me and I wanted to go with you. I wanted to be the first one to take you there. I'm sad. It's so annoying because like you've done Melbourne before. Sorry, Andrew. Do you want to cough over the podcast any louder? No.

It's okay, Andrew. Do you want to have a sip of water? Thank you, yeah. I'll have a sip of water. That would be nice winter. It's because you just take crisps. I get it. When you have crisps, it gets like dry in your throat. Yeah, yeah.

I just have a gentle sip. Oh, my God. I know something about Andrew that... Andrew, I will kill you. I will kill you. Sorry, sorry. That was actually really hot. I will...

What's wrong with you? I don't know why that really worked for me. What? The sound of slurping? Yeah. Well, it's because you're slurping out of our faces because on the mug it has our faces. That's horrendous.

I fixed this that. You can, hello. Look at that. Oh my God, do you have your own camera now? Yeah, yeah. Cutee, but to-tootie. Yeah, so you're in Australia, what's the checklist of things you'd like to achieve

and then we'll talk about when you come back. So you obviously need to eat a golden gay time. Okay. That's an ice cream. Oh, God, I don't have these checklists. Okay, there's an ice cream called a golden gay time. You must eat it. Okay.

You are going to want to see a kangaroo. Yes. You're going to want to see a koala, obviously. I want to actually go to Quaker Island. What is that? The Quokkas are the big. Any pigs that always smile? Cute!

I don't think about them. I should get emotional. I don't know why. Will you be able to go there? There's an island of Quokas. Is it in Sydney? I really hope I'm saying they're right. No, apparently off of Perth.

Quokker Island. And the great news is I did a weekend with Ray Badron. Yeah. Recently. And he's from Sydney. Lovely comedian. We'll get him on. He's from Sydney and he's at the same time as me.

So he's like, look, I'm going to heal and I'm going to take you. And I'm like, this is going to be so good. Yeah. That's so nice. Send me anything you think I definitely need to try. I really want to go to the beaches. And like apparently it's like really nice like coastal walks. I just think I need to be like.

Where's sun cream? Oh yeah, you will be. You will be. The space is so great there. You feel so expansive. I'm seeing some cousins who are flying into Sydney. Oh my God. They're coming to us to see you?

No, they live in Australia. Yeah. So yeah, but they're coming to Sydney to see me. Which is so nice. I haven't seen Katie in year. I saw Hannah like three years ago. That's so nice that they're doing this. It's so nice.

Why are they doing this? And they've messaged and they've booked hotels and I'm like, oh my God, that's so cute. Well, like, we don't know each other that well as adults, but we like used to see to them a lot. They're a lot older than me. That's so nice. Not a lot. That sounds so hard.

They're like a decade and a bit older than me. That's so sweet. Yeah. And then I've also got, um, uncle and auntie that live in Perth, who my dad's like going to hook me up with, which would be nice because I haven't seen them since I was like. seven. Heaven. Maybe their uncle

Antelect once removed. This is so nice. It's going to be, I'm going to... What a gorgeous time you'll have. Get into nature. Get into nature. And I'm with Olga Cock and Josh Pugh.

Who doesn't want that? You're going to have the best time. Who doesn't? Isn't there somebody else on the tour? There is. I haven't met him yet. Okay. I know, I'm not avoiding him on purpose. There's a guy, I think...

He's an American comedian who none of us have met. Okay, fingers crossed, he'll be really nice. I think he'll be a babe. Maybe he'll be the man for you. Don't. I do believe I'm going to meet someone at a gig now or I'm telling myself that so I don't have to go on the app.

Yeah, do whatever you've got to do to not go on the apps. Whatever suits me. But for now, should we introduce the current love of my life? Yes, please. Welcome to Trustee Hoggs. Simil Patel! Now, we could not make Trustee Hogs without you and we're so grateful to everyone who denies to our Patreon.

If you wish to support us, If we bring you joy and nausea to your lives every Thursday, then please do a patreon.com forward slash trusty hogs. The first few levels cost as much as a coffee in London and your support genuinely is what keeps this podcast going. So for £3 a month, you get early access and all of our vlog content for £5, which realistically is more like the price of a coffee in London.

You get that plus an extra episode a week. So it's like four episodes as well as early. For 10, we add in our live show recordings at 20. we are crediting you as a producer. We're sending you your own producer mug. At 50, we're sending you executive gifts every six months, your own personalised episodes. And let's be honest, Helen is trying to marry.

I'm going to give you a room job at 50, baby. Yeah. If you can't afford any of that, we totally get it. We know the times are tough. So thank you so much for listening. And please, please, you could tell your friends. And please, please, tell your friends, co-workers, relatives, enemies, exes and people on the boss

about our silly, silly show. Give us a like, subscribe, share. Everything like that. It means so much to us. and make so much of a difference as to how well this podcast runs. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

God bless us and good night. Welcome, Saniel Battelle. My baby boy came home. Thank you. I miss you so much. Even just this morning being apart has been tough for me. Oh, that's so nice. Yeah, it's been fun.

I've had a nice morning. I watch about Formula One. Are you watching Drive to Survive? Yes, it's great, isn't it? Oh my God, which series are you won? I'm on series two now. It's so good. Maybe you watched it as well?

I've seen all five. Why did no one tell me about this? It's amazing. I've been yelping about it and nobody wants to listen. I also was like everyone needs to watch the golf show. No, we got a full swing. Did you guys watch it? I watched it after you said it and I loved it and then he fucking watched it.

You watched it? I don't, don't. She watched it because Ellie sold her said we should watch it. No, because Kath, I'd already watched it. I love it. It's great, yeah. Did you like it? Well, yeah, and both times, I was like, do you know what?

I think I'm going to, I'm going to go for it. I'm going to become the best formula one driver on earth. Also, what I've actually done is... It drives a Yaris. It is he drives. Yeah. Wow, taking sides so early. Here's the thing, though.

Seneal. Divide and Conquer. I am, I genuinely love them both. And also, have you watched the tennis one? No, that's next. Oh, it's excellent. I've got four more series of this. Oh, it's worth it.

Oh, my God. The fifth series is amazing. I immediately subscribed to it. to Sky Sports as well. You got a sports package? Yeah. Is that not really expensive? It's half price at the moment.

How much we're doing? It feels like... It just feels like an attack. It really does. So you have the golf on now? I put it on, yeah. Are you only watching the PGA or are you watching both? Just PGA, not the LPGG yet.

Good, good. Yeah, it's not. Good. Well, do you want to watch the ladies pro golf total? I don't see anything wrong with that. Oh, sorry. No, I thought you meant the other one. That's live.

Yeah, the L threw me off. I was like, no, I'm not against what. You were like, oh, don't watch the ladies. Don't watch ladies pro golf. Don't watch it. I would say of the people at the table, I'm the most pro ladies golf. Allow me to say,

I would happily watch it for hours on end. I understand that we can appreciate a sports documentary. I don't think we then need to invite it into our world like all the time. Wait, do you get the Formula One on the sports package? You can, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Can I come to yours to watch it, right? Yeah, absolutely. You've got a 55-inch TV. 50. Shit! Yeah, isn't because our friend got 55-inch TV. TV and now he's upset. Shout out, Patrick Spicer.

Hi, Patrick Spicer. For asking me what model TV I got and then get him on five inches bigger. Yeah. I appreciate that. That's a real power move. I had a full on freak out. But seriously, can I come for the races?

They're so cool. They're so fun. You'd actually love them. I don't care. Do it. Look, I'm away in Australia right now because of time is different. Invite me over.

You can around any time. I'd love that. Go around and what. Go around and Formula One together. Okay, great. Let's check it. Nice have some company, actually. Yeah, that would be nice.

Well, why do you keep saying to me you don't want any more company at home. I see you all the time. Not enough. Yeah, and you touch him too much. Speaking of, we had Penelope in here last week. Yeah, you said I wouldn't like this. Well, did you listen to the episode?

No. Of course not. Well, she said that for Helen, she thinks the ideal life partner would actually be a long time and long-held friendship with a man that she trusts deeply and already sees as a confidant.

You realize she's like, threatened to milk three of our friends already. I don't love when she says milk. But no, this is the person she sees is like, yeah, yeah, I know what she means. That's what she's aiming for. No, but this is like an actual relationship with a person that she sees as a confidant. And Penelope thought this, I'd promise

and that Helen should invite your parents over for dinner. Absolutely not. I think mummy should come over. Mommy doesn't know who you are. It's not true. His mommy has no idea who I am. I just say my flatmate. Yeah. She doesn't really care. My mom doesn't really care. She's like, she doesn't even know where I live.

This is why you have to invite her over. She knows. my address some some some some you need to get her over someone someone you to invite her over and get her on side she's mixed up between the n and the mommies invited over for dinner mummy doesn't like traveling on public transport so i have to go and get her yeah go get her go get mummy she doesn't like her she doesn't like helen she doesn't like helen imagine what my tiny little mother will think of ella hello hello hello hello hello she's i always think of her as like you always think of your mother as slightly fragile you know nope no

No, incorrect. You know, I guess like my mother is slightly fragile. Despite the fact she works, you know, in M&S. So, yeah, I just don't... I thought you were going to say somewhere like really intense or like... M&S food hall is fucking intense. I thought you could say to the front lines for you around. She could.

Shout out my mum. It doesn't actually have the internet. So she doesn't know anything. It doesn't have the internet. Barely... It doesn't have a mobile phone. Refuses to use the one I bought her. Yeah.

What? Yeah, just doesn't... Count text, which I think is a good thing. Yeah. Because then she'll definitely get scammed by those like, hey, I've changed my number. Yeah, no, that's good. She's protected from you. But she likes the repair shop.

She loves repair shop on BBC One, is it? Yeah. She actually called me one. She's like, she reckon we can get on repair shop. I was like, why? She goes, this bowl is broken. Oh, for a bowl. I was like, okay, we can fix the bowl with a bit of glue right now.

And she was like, I'd rather. I'd rather repair shop, I'd like it. I feel more company in the guys. but she's like from that era of like watching antique shows in the 80s and 90s and thinking there's a fortune somewhere in the loft there isn't there's nothing in my loft except for when we moved there someone had written RIP Herman Goring in the in the loft and I have no idea why what the fuck yeah yeah it was so weird when did you got Nuremberg no in bath and I went up I went up to the loft and I was

like what's that and my dad was like I don't really know let's leave it I don't know what it is. I would really look into that, Snell. Well, he's not there, is he? You're obviously, Herman Goering's not there. He's an Argentina. Thank you for fucking seeing the truth. He's taking the pill. He sees it now.

That's where they all bloody are. Buenos Aires to all of us. Now that's the Evita I'd watch. But yeah, I think it was just a joke. You brought us these brunch bars? Cabri brunch bars. Because you are the voice of brunch bar. I am the voice of brunch bars now.

I think it's official. How does the ad go? What are you saying? They basically wanted the most boring, dull, deadpan voice. They could find me. No. But, yeah, so they came straight to me. Nice.

It actually almost tore apart slime country because Ed Knight and I were... No, wait, wait, wait, we're not... Once again, slime country, we're talking about it. We're not plugging it. And I feel like we always should be so clear with that. It's a podcast that Sineal makes with Ed and huge... You will know it because a lot of you listen to it. You won't know because you're...

No, Catherine, they do. They comment on their... video saying hog here. No. They do. A video saying Ed Knight

is fit but not as fit as Catherine. That was one of those Slime Country videos on

the YouTube. They only like loads of views and like the first comment goes like like yeah

love slime country Ed Night Firt not as fit as Catherine though Hog for life

or something like that. Yeah it's a lot mention of either of us what a wonderful

bisexual burn yeah good bisexual little bigie you know

what's that good good good good slime country really got torn apart. Yeah, because Ed Knight and I were in the last two.

We were down to the last two which he should not have found out. No. Which you should not have found out and also they specifically came to me because they specifically wanted a deadpan, like idiotic voice and Ed doesn't,

Ed has a lovely voice but it's not that one. So yeah. Because you sound like thicker. I sound like thicker, bored thicko. Yeah. I don't think you do. No, I don't. No, he does.

You have to go along with it sometimes just to calm a girl. I think you sound like a lecturer who gave up on his dreams a long time ago. That's the vibe they were going for. Fabulent. Well, they really nailed it. The brief was,

can you just like act as if you just wandered into the booth and you don't know why you're there? And that was it. So, yeah. But this is for everyone to share the brunch bars. Three brunch bars to share between four. There's five. Is that five?

There's five of them. We all get one brunch bar. Great value. One pound 19. Five brunch bars. This is on the app. Now that you finally know the script and can say it was conviction.

I actually ate one of the chocolate chip brunch bars for the first time the other day. They were on set somewhere. And I'm, okay, well, they're Catherine's now. And it was really lovely, actually. Brunch bars are a set favourite, aren't they? I think they're really are. And they're had an Alpin bar for the first time in years the other day.

They're rubbish. This is terrible podcast. No, it's cool. People love brunch bars. So what's the deal? Are you two going to fuck or? No, I did ask about massage recently. She asked about it.

She's getting creepier and creepier, basically. So it used to be just like, it just started like with Morning Cuddy and I said yes to that because Emma Black said I had to. Yeah. But you do come in for Cuddy now sometimes. I do sometimes coming for Cuddy when I think she's feeling sad. And then evening, it's like, I do try and slip off to my room in the evening. Can I quickly interject?

When he says, I think she's feeling sad. He's not reading on the subtleties of a situation. I can't read faces. I'm crying and I'm saying, I'm really sad. She cried literally all the time. Does she cry all the time? Or pretends to you just never know. Yeah, you can't be sure.

It's lies. Yeah. But now, so the remit has expanded to, like, I try and slip off to my bedroom. at night but she runs down the hallway and I have to lock the door and then I lock the door and then she like scrapes and bangs on the door sometimes she slips an arm in

sometimes she fully gets in so like she... Oh the one where I got under your legs the other day? That was amazing I was carrying a cup of tea to my room and I didn't have much so there's no range of movement really and she ran in and dived in at foot level got halfway into my room

and started sweeping her hand under my bed and then she found she was like there's a leaf under here there's a leaf because I don't I don't clean under the bed often but I just had I was panicking so I was just kicking her

and trying to get her out and I was like that's my leaf get off my leaf wait we were basically doing a big spring clean of the flat we were not you were because there was some sort of yeah he thinks that I clean

because I'm anxious and mentally unstable I was actually cleaning because it's hay fever season and I was feeling very sniffly yeah if you were worried Can I ask? Can you...

Oh, there we go. He's not wrong there. He's not wrong there. Yeah, the stop smoking argument, I can't really argue at the thing is this four new prescribed inhalers in my back right now. She was just like,

look how we keep my inhalers are. I'm like, do you have asthma? Yeah. I hide it very well. You know, you're not supposed to hide it. You have to hide all your week's like a secret asthma. Yeah, I hide it.

Anyway, look, it's turning to evening cuddy. And evening cuddy, I'm like, all right, let's just get it over and done with. And then she demands, she kiss it. She says she keeps saying, Kissy, kissy, kissy, and I'm like, no, I'd have to push her head away. Yeah, and I told you, you should not control women by pushing their head. She holds her head out and go, kissy, kissing, kissy.

No, I don't think that's right. It's not right. That's too much to expect, before you go on a date. No. Here's my question. Objectively, that sounds, if we're to believe that you don't like Helen, that sounds awful. I like Helen, she's a good friend. He's the love of my life. She's a nice friend.

Nice lady. You call me nice lady at home. I call her nice lady. Nice lady, you're being nice lady. Okay. But this sounds objectively like a difficult and hard and maybe even bad place to live. Thank you. No, but he's fine. Why do you stay? Well, it's very hard to find friends in comedy who can afford that level of rent.

Don't you ever. You always make it out. Like you have to financially live with me. What else am I supposed to do? I said I was going to buy somewhere on my own and you're like you can't. I can't have two housemates leave me to buy one bedroom flat. That's not my problem. But that then then it becomes I will have a big house. Then if I buy a two bedroom flat, then like why would not? I live on my own anyway because I've bought my own flat. What's the point of my... But Little Helen. Well, how'd you argue against Little Helen? It's an argument. You'll be

alright. You couldn't get a too bad and bring your wife. You can get some rent to help pay your mortgage for a bit. Well, I don't really... I mean, yeah, that... Okay, well, then you'd be like, why are you living together? I'm like, because I need her rent money. Yeah, but that would at least be like, objectively makes more sense to me. Also, the comfort of having someone else at home. Yeah, exactly my mortgage.

Not like you're paying for her to have a nice quality of life. Yeah, that's the thing. Well, she tortured you. our rent was raised and she made convinced me to take on the bulk of the increase what our rent was raised by a hundred and fifty pounds no it's smaller okay wait there is so much more to this and she was like well you use hallway for wardrobe or something like that because he has a tiny room yeah and I was like all right fine I'll just do it I don't know the agreement used to be that she she got the bigger

room and she paid more because I thought she was earning more than me and then it switched slightly. I'm only more to her. So it's like, you know, well, you know, whatever, just to get it. It's only, it's a little bit of money. It doesn't matter. You brought it up, babe.

I know. So here's saying, I'm convincing myself, aren't I? I went up by 150 pounds. Yeah. And I was like, well, I already pay a lot more in rent. And I'm happy to switch rooms, which I say, because I know that he doesn't want to.

Nice. He doesn't want to go in the room that's like up at the top. He wants to go at the room at the back. It's like more secluded. And further away from you. Yeah, yeah. And also, There's no way he'll put the effort.

And there's a lock on that door. There isn't on the other one. There is a lock and I just don't have the key to it. And it's interesting how you've got the key for your room, but I don't have a key for mine. You can have a key for yours. Just get one, ask the landlord. He could use it from the outside.

Lock me in. Let me out in the evenings. She doesn't like the door being closed on her. She's like, I'm like, do you want me to close the door? She goes, no, I get scared. Oh, for God. So her door is always open. She's always got two exits at any point.

Like the door to the garden and the door into the plant. Sit there going, I go scared. You do, though. Well, I don't like, if you walk past you, like, close my door. I don't like turning around seeing the door closed. Like a ghost is there. Wait, you walk by and close the door? I tell her.

Do you want me to close the door? Or if I want her just to keep quiet while I'm watching TV, I'm like, can I close the door? And she's like, no, no, no, I get scared. Because he's so emotionally closed off. What's that got to do with anything? Do you're always closed? But I'm his talk.

But I'm not, if he's trying to watch the TV in my room as well. Oh, do what I mean? No, I'd have to close the door. Yeah. Yeah, because I'm watching Real House with Beverly Hills, but how much do you have to listen in golf? Well, it's just nice to not have the real housewives in the background, isn't it? Because he's afraid of women.

It's so much nonsense. Wow. So as an update for the last time you were here, Seneal, it feels like you're earning more, paying more, enjoying less. I'm still paying more. No, to be honest, she's calmed down a lot from since when I moved with Imba. Wow. The first day I moved in with her, though,

was like hell on her. Yes, yes, hellish. We've already covered this, yes. We had no chairs. She was like just complaining, winging, and like being annoying. No, I was unsettled. She has over the years, good on her.

She's had a bit of therapy now, I think. It's a bit calmer. And I think she's also, like, I think it helps with comedians to be like, to have stuff to do. Otherwise your head, you start going mad. I agree. Start going mad.

Well, mad is the wrong word, but you know, you start getting anxious, you know, and I think you're doing very well and you're enjoying yourself. Thank you. And I think that's nice. And specifically, she's going away a lot. I actually shook her agent's hand

when she got a month in the letter. That was one of the worst moments of my life. Breed, thank you so, you've done so well. Thank you so much. I came home. New York and Australia basically went in within a couple of days of each other. I put it in the calendar

and Sunil saw it and his little face got so animated. Put it straight in my calendar. Yeah, he couldn't believe his luck. And then that night he was at drinks and my agent was there and he went up and went, thank you so much. And I know, I know, Bred. It's not like I don't know there, but...

But I'm sorry, Helen Bauer's house, mate, and... And I appreciate the break. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Keep it up. What's happening in Iceland? Yeah. That's so exciting. It's so exciting.

But you will miss me. That's the thing. We joke. Yeah, yeah. It's, we have fun. It's not like, I'm just saying, like, 15 minutes a day would be fine. How about the other morning when we had a little coffee together? We went out for a coffee.

Uh... If you're not watching the video every time, and it is a lot of time, Helen even reached out her arm to Seneil, which is often to tickle him. The flinch is physical and large. Stop it. I love you. Stop kissing people when they don't want to be kissed.

Oh, here's something else for having a problem with at home. Please, okay. One more issue with you guys, and then we're going to let's do a listener issue. Well, I don't know. Vacuum cleaner, DVDs. What do you want to do? DVDs, what's wrong with vacuum cleaner?

Just like, he's literally like bought his first bit of cleaning equipment. It's not my first. All the vacuum cleaners in that house have been mine. Three different ones. Wait for it, wait for it. You're buying three. That's that bad quality of vacuum. He's in the tech.

the old one was obviously terrible so I got a new one and it's great I'm not going to do my joke don't make me do my joke wait no wait he's got a joke that he has sent to about eight different of my girlfriend so I've come over my guys check out this new vacuum cleaner it's amazing like I was using this new one compared to the old one like when I first used it couldn't believe how much comment sucked out my ball and he says it and then he smiles on them they just go

I was so sick of saying it. Andrew, you taking notes on this? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a beco. Yeah, I've got a witch description. It's cordless. No, I just love a Henry. I love an old-school Henry.

Emma black gloves are Henry. They're highly effective. But this one's got lights on the front, and it's bagless, and it's cordless. But he's also realized how much dust we have. It's ineffective. It's bagless. Where does it all go? All my car.

Yeah. It goes into the chamber. The chamber of gum. And then I go to the chamber. No, don't, Helen, do not do this. Could you get me some of that, actually? Yeah, I can. Why, you both have Little Patel?

Cute! Just bubbling about through life. I guess it's best not to let the Patel name die. Yeah. That's what we were saying today. I wouldn't be giving it your name. What? I demand it.

No. Is there no court-based system where I can be like, listen, she took my come. She stole my come from the Hoover? Can I call? call it whatever I want. Can I call it? Can I call the tongue?

Oh my God. You know that video about the baby screaming on the internet on the plane? There was a plane ride where this woman had her baby and the baby was screaming and this man was absolutely flipping out of her like screaming at her. But all these horrible vile people on the internet in agreeing with him were like you should you pay enough for an airplane. You shouldn't have to deal with somebody's compet being there screaming as well. Come pet. It's what they're calling children. Come back.

Isn't that vile? I want us to make come back. No! Although I don't think my kids will cry. I didn't cry when I was born. So creepy. It's so creepy. He still isn't cried at home either.

What? I'll watch Creed 2 again. That'll do it. Did you watch Creed 3? No, is it good? I saw it on an airplane like every other. How do we have the same taste in documentaries and films? This is, okay.

I guess we're both emotionally repressed. and you both love Helen let's hear a problem from a listen I do love you I'm willing to admit it I don't want you to touch me with your dirty hands he's actually does respond to it I say love you and he goes love you because I thought she cries and says

make Helen sad God it's exhausting I'd be getting that one mid if I were sometimes I take his glasses off him so he can't see so then he's like he's stuck just having to be nice to me how does that

that's really it feels with me like when he's acting up when he's acting up and being mean to little Helen. I don't normally wear these glasses it's because she took my other ones. I like these ones. Thank you.

And I had to go and get the, I had to go to my room and find them and put them on that. So I don't know where the others are. Helen, that's atrocious. No, I gave them back to you. I did.

I did. Who knows? Wow. You're really, he's also bought in about 60 DVDs over the last 30 days. Can I say last time I thought that Smil was being cruel to you

but now I feel like you're the real culprit I think everyone thinks that. You're coming off as terrible in this scenario. You're a terrible person about. Well, how about the horrible things he does to me? Like? Locks me out.

But you, he feels like he... Record slime country and makes me sit in my room. Whenever I, whenever I say... You make him leave the flat when you do therapy. If I come home and I say anything and he's watching TV, he goes, roomie, roomie! So I have to go to my room. Yeah, but you leave the door open

and then you just play Beverly Hills anyway. So what life of, what piece is he getting? Disney blogs. Sad line, me. Jesus. Get my own flat. You probably should. Catherine

If you can afford to buy He should But where do I go? Some sort of house share I guess Yeah, you need to find a friend Who could live with you? Who do you think

would live with you? You could sleep in the studio Yeah, you could sleep in there No It's a pretty cool spot I'm moving with Kathleen Catherine got spare rooming I would have you

Have you Yeah Oh great Oh great Oh this is what's how great I would have you Can we bring your hoover No it's mine

It's full of cuckul of com Which is ridiculous is the Therogun. If I even mention my click around it, he gets angry. I love a girl with her. I told her not to use it because she'll blow her clit off. And then she did. She actually did it. Over jeans. Over jeans. How was it?

Incredible. She definitely used the wrong head as well. My whole body shuddered. You use it when he's out? She used the head for shoulder, but it's too big. You need to use the smaller one. Not with the size of your blitz. My clit's like a plum.

My clit's like a plumb. Ellen's clit's like a plumb. plumb, apparently. Andrew, please. Good luck finding her. You found her. Yeah, sorry, let's do a problem. Sunil, do you want to sell people's problems? Yeah. Love you.

Thank you. You're so, I don't think he is closed off. He's just tensed so much. Oh, no, he disassociates. You can't say that. Yeah. Sorry. You become a version of your...

Finally, the apology I've always wanted. Sorry. So heartfelt. I know, yeah. You actually have a very kind of... You know, she can't. She doesn't have a Tracy Beaker apology. Sorry!

Sorry! Because apologising means she has to accept she's doing bad things, but she can't. You went to the flapjackery and that was very nice of you and I didn't think of you. I went three times to the fucking flapjackery. That wasn't on me. Three times? I was passing by every time.

Yeah, but you went in for her? I did, yeah, yeah. No, you went in and bought himself flat Jacks. Superciter Saturday, yeah. I was on a pub crawl and I made the boys go via flapjackery. The boys? Who were the boys?

Have you ever said that people in your life? Have you ever ever? I never said that before? Well, me and the boys? It was like the first time you've said the boys all the time. He says the boys. It felt like you were saying it for the first time in public. Like, the boys.

Sort of changing my personality, but. He does drip culture now. I taught Helen and her friends what drip meant. It means we're drippy. It's sort of like you look fashion. You look cool, fashionable. Like a good outfit. It's drip.

You've got drip. I'm drip. No. It's not. No, that's a different. You were down. And then Ellie Solted when we're drippy. Drippy.

It's like when like 40-year-old men first find out what Twitter is. And they're like, oh, twatter, and that's what you were doing. Yeah. Okay, nice. That's very droll. Okay, let's do a problem. We've got a neighbourly problem. So maybe as housemates, you can coordinate.

Our neighbours moved out. We've got no neighbours now. We don't know why. This is a nightmare neighbour problem. Yes. So this is from B and C. Hi, B and C. Oh my God, one more B and then we're talking about the British Broadcasting Corporation.

Anyway, continue. I shouldn't have had this costume No She's going to be in lineway tonight Sorry, go to look with that I'm not here He's going to Brighton for the night Smart

We live in Australia and have just moved into our first flat together Congratulations We're loving finally having our space for ourselves However, we have an insidious neighbour Now the letting agency Only decided to tell us After we'd sign the least

That we had a neighbour who was quote-unquote Edcentric I'm so sorry, I pronounce are very weirdy then Accenture. I really did, yeah. Okay, so after they've signed in the dollar line, the estate agents,

like, by the buy, they're eccentric. Yep. His name is Mario, and he is a small 80-year-old Italian man. Nothing wrong with that? So far I like him.

He's very, very deft, has a beautifully... Very deaf or deaf? Deaf, deaf. I thought he was deaf. He may also be deaf. I was like, nice. He has a beautiful,

fully cropped and flowering garden out of his front door. Oh, gorgeous. Now, the layout of our flat and Mario's flat is connected like an L shape with both on the, ground floor so we share walls and our bedroom window is directly next to his front

garden but we both thought how harmful can this man really be well it turns out he's fucking crazy when you said like luxurious and fully cropped I thought you're going to say mustache yeah is this a joke you also think his brother Luigi yeah though he's a nightmare but also I just I can't even imagine writing the sentence how harmful can this man be I'm like have you heard podcasts the answer is super This isn't like a murder thing. No, no, no, no. Unfortunately, he killed my wife, sick.

I'd move out. Okay, no, sorry, let's listen to the problem. He knocks on the window first day we move in and introduce himself as the owner of our flat. Brackett, something the letting agents said would happen. Turns out the landlord is an old friend of Mario. He then proceeded to tell me he got the last couple kicked out and he has cameras all around his home.

After I introduced myself politely and said my partner would be around later, he got confused about two women being together and quickly shuffled off. after I shouted, Yes, Mario, I am gay. Mario has to this... It's a me, Mario.

Yes, Mario, I'm gay. Peaches finally has her chance. Mario has to this day never formally introduced himself to my partner. Oh my God. More sinisterly, my wife and I noticed movement outside our bathroom window when we had showers in the morning,

which turned out to be Mario. Watching. His reasons were to empty the boiler water, to collector bowls because water drips outside into the car park. Yeah, fine, water can be in a car park. Also, what? Is that how a boiler works? I don't think boilers are just dripping out during shower.

Yeah, Mario, do the work. It is his house. And he is a plumber. That's Luigi. Is Mario a plumber as well? Oh, good for him. And it is Princess Peaches, right? Yes, yeah, yeah.

He's so on top of pop culture. From the 90s. Who's Bowser? 80s? Mario shouted us when we arrived home from work one day and told us he'd been looking through our bins and wondered why we had cigarette butts. No.

You must be smoking in your home because I don't see you smoking on camera. Oh my God. Now, my partner swiftly dispelled his accusations and showed him an ashtray we have in the car. But apparently he watches everything from a screen and yeah, goodness, it's quite a lot of detail here.

I won't go through it. I actually, I'm into it. No, I do want the detail. Mario does this with a smile in his face, never getting physical, just very accusatory, and now very creepily stalkerish. Oh, God. He said, he keeps telling us he doesn't want us to get thrown out. And we told him about the bathroom window instance,

and we insisted that he's not need to be near there, as a letting agency specifically told us it was our space. So we looked in a bit of a back and forth with mentor Mario. We don't know whether this is a police issue or how we work this out. communication is very limited he's very deaf and is old school Italian Catholic we know he's been broken into before and for a while thought it was okay to have a neighbour who was on the lookout but this is really bit us on the ass we just want to live in our home alone together in peace

we worked really hard for it and continue to do so we aren't now neighbours we work in the arts and education we are too exhausted and we don't want us to turn this into a Netflix murder doc special please help watch it though that's the problem I have thoughts. Can we just quick, how old is Mario again? 80. See, I think there's way to help. No, that man's building it for another 20 years.

He's got stuff to do. He's got something to live for. What's he living for? What he's living for watching other people's lives, isn't he? I have serious thoughts. Okay, go on. I have serious thoughts, but you go. Okay. I think that you have surely got a legal right to privacy in your property,

surely. And I think, like, there's definitely, like, I've heard of cases where, or in places where you People have been like, I don't want to be filmed coming in and out of my building with those. You know, those doorbells and I've had that taken down and stuff? So you can definitely address that legally. Viral videos are like delivering people. Yeah.

But also I'm pretty sure that you should be able to get out of your contract if you weren't made aware of the circumstances of the living situation, which are such that you cannot have privacy and are being like harangued on the doorstep every day. Also, I would believe. I don't think that's going to get any better. I don't think that's a man you're going to change at 80. I don't think you're going to, like, I would usually be like, have a discussion. with the estate agent, allow them to speak to them.

This man is not going to change. So you wouldn't look at his medical records first though. How? Like, find a way to get the medical records. Just to read the way to break into a GP's office. There's a chance as like a sickness. Like maybe like, you think he's ill? You never, no, no, but like if there's 80, right,

there's going to be summer. Oh, you're like hoping he's a, to die. Yeah, like wait a hell. No, I'd leave as quickly as possible. Are you saying they can't leave? They can't get out of the leave, so they don't. Well, they've just signed it. They want their own space.

I think they don't want to go through that stress again. They've moved in and they like the flat. They just don't like that. I think they should move before this becomes a huge part of their lives and they start sort of subconsciously enjoying it and enjoying the process of being in this fight. Me too. They'll just get too involved and it'll become part of their life.

It's going to be a sunk-course thing. They're going to be like eight years in being like... Yeah, be constant back and forth. They want to get their own back every time. Go somewhere else before this ruins your life. Get the peace and quiet you want. See, we're friends with our neighbours. Hey, Sunil, are you listening to this advice that you're giving?

No, we love each of the team. Okay, stop pulling away. Stop touching me. But I want to suppress my love for you. Just saying. B and Z, don't be Seneal. Be free. Be Emma Black.

Take it for me. Be Emma Black. Okay. Yeah, I agree, actually. It's just not going to get better. I want to say wait it out. And part of me is also like fight it, making a massive deal.

I don't know if it's a police issue or not. Like, it is because, it's an invasion of privacy, but like how seriously would the police take that actually? Like, I just don't think they'd do anything. I would say that it's definitely a circumstance

where the state agent had more information than they offered you and the circumstances are such that the living situation is deeply uncomfortable and where you don't feel like you have privacy or safety. And yeah, if you can't get out of the lease, just start smoking in the flat until you get kicked out. Yeah.

Nice. Also, if you can't get out the lease, I would argue talk to a lawyer because I think you should be able to. yeah that's absolutely indulge it yeah we're lawyers

yeah in a way in a way we are lawyers yeah in a way why are you saying this in a way because Helen's always

defending herself thank you you are very good at that yeah thank you and accusing people yeah and then if I don't get it

I cry excuse that's what lawyers do that's one of the best lawyers do and then have a lovely cuddle weeping in front of the judge please you don't

understand it but my period I just feel like no one likes me We've run out of ice cream. I actually think I'm more of a judge because I don't care. Sineal, go to the shop and get me a kick-cut.

I didn't realize the kit-cat thing was the thing that Emma Black had to do as well. She always had to have a kit-cat ready to give Helen on the way home. And do you do that, then? No, absolutely not. Okay, good for you. I didn't know that Emma Black did.

I thought she was doing it out of love. I didn't realize that she felt the need to have a kick-cat chunky on her at all times. Have you met you? Yeah. I thought it was just random love but Emma made it very clear that she did keep a stash

of Kit Kat Chunkies for a To keep your cat. It can't be random love if you demand it every time. And if she brings it to you like shaking like...

Yeah. I think Emma sort of give it to me like a parent gives a baby a dummy. Yeah, she's like throw it into the room and the whole they stop to read it.

I've got to send this email, I've got to do this. You suck on this Kit Kat for a in the hope it grows out of it in a few months. Yeah. How would he? 32 now. Yeah, nearly that.

Yeah. Only little. She is only little, of course. Do you have another problem for it? Sorry to be brutal, BNC, but I really think that that's not going to get any better than you need to get out of there. I'm sorry to say,

but I think that is bad moves. Get the fuck out. Yeah. Well, this is a catfish problem or a suspected catfish problem anyway. Oh, and also, by the way, B&C, I'm really sorry that's happening. And obviously, like, it's detrogers

like it is, but I'm sorry that... Yeah, also the homophobia is disgusting from her life here. Yeah, but you've got to get out. Oh, yeah. Which part of these... I didn't necessarily say he was homophobic. He just couldn't comprehend. She couldn't understand it.

Is that not homophobic? Send up some videos. I've just played devil's advocate here. Okay, devil's advocate. We don't need that in this podcast. Thank you. Next. I like this Mario guy.

Well, thank you so much to know for coming on. Thank you so much. Hey, listen. Go on plug fucking slime country. Plug your shitty podcast. I got a few things to plug. Oh my God. Sorry.

Are you a warning DJ? Soho theater. 25th to 27th of May I'll be there doing my show faster horses Why are you wiping your eyes right now? I just got wet eye It's really like hard cut on your face by the way

Okay Frozen Soho Theatre 25th to 27th of March Also look at for silo coming out No no no May baby Oh that's sorry what 25th to 27th of May

Let them start again third Take three Take three I'll be at Soho Theatre 25th to the 27th of May with my show faster horses come down to that please also look out for silo

which is a Sky Short coming out soon with myself and Kyle I think Oh yeah Kyle did not match Yeah we're all Kyle He was funny real big stuff I also listen to slime He's what Slime Country podcast

Slime Country podcast now available on digital streaming platforms The growth is exponential The growth is exponential Patreon 5 pound 10 pound or 325 pounds You don't plug it you're What do you get for 325?

What do you get for 325? Oh, you get to lift the curse off you. Oh, like, he's got insomnia and they think it's because he went out of the work. Oh, I see. Right. So it'd be helpful. We're getting a boat. Does the shame and cost $325 then?

Yeah. Oh, okay. If that's the problem that he's genuinely having, I feel like $325 is, is not that high price for him, himself to pay. But we don't know if the shaman will work. Because he got to pay a shaman, we found him on a business card in Shadwell. I read, I listened to that episode. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So.

Andrew. And also, if we get an. patrons we're going to buy a boat for 125 quid off amazon first uk based boat based podcast available now in austria industry wants us dead okay industry wants us dead man all right that's enough of use senil patel everyone cabbri brunch bars best brunch bars available i love you baby thank you love you love you love you oh god i'm good okay Thank you.