Trusty Hogs - Ep84. TATTY MACLEOD / Football, French & Food

Episode Date: May 11, 2023

Chloe Petts joins us in the new Hogs studios to cover the Australia-bound Helen, and what an episode to jump in for: the wonderful Tatty Macleod! Tatty has some very strict dating rules, some very funny anecdotes, and some very sage advice for our listener relationship drama... meanwhile, Catherine & Chloe talk a LOT about Australian brunch...FOLLOW TATTY: @Tatty_MacleodThank you so much for listening!Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Guy Goodman / Simon Moores / Mary Fox / Annie Tonner / Sarah Jarque-Deakin / Oliver Jago / Stewart KerrPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Harald van Dijk / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Sarah & Molly / Raia Fink / Cordelia / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Graham Marsh / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Kie Web / Matt Sims / Luke Bright / Leah / Kate Spencer / Mae Williams / Tristin / Liz Fort / Taz / Klo / Becky Fox / Amie / Emily GeeWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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We've got the wonderful. Chloe Petts. No, we're meant to speak at the same time. That's what you do. No, but she doesn't annoy me so I thought this might be a nice break. Okay, right, right, right. Hasn't really transpired that way. Hey, here at Trusty Hoggs in our new studio,

what we tend to do, just so you know as well, Chloe, is talk about our wonderful lives. You're going to tell me all about your trip to Australia. Everyone's been except me. And then we answer the problems of our listeners. Yes. And sometimes they're funny. And sometimes it's pretty intense.

Yes, sometimes it's pretty intense. And I just wanted to say, in the vein of Helen Bauer, I'm thriving. She's always thriving. She's always thriving. Can you tell that I'm having a lozenge? I can't tell you having a lozange. Is it a minty lozins? No, it's cherry-flavored.

Can I have a lozine? Yeah, but then we'll both sound Lozenged. All right. It's a pretty lozengie vibe. This is also so funny that Andrew is making us redo our intro because the last one was too shit.

And we're doing midway lozenged. We lasted 90 seconds and now we're on a fucking lozine. Lozinger bender. Through the fog step for the trusty hogs. Yeah, you're going to give me your promise. And they will solve them

Or maybe they won't And that's your problem They'll have guests And Andrew White on the tech Oh It's Helen and Catherine As the trusty hogs Trust the trusty hogs

Or maybe not Chloe Fats, you're here No, wish me, Helen Bha! Co-host Chloe Pets Today standing in for Helen Bauer who's in Australia where you've just come back from I've just come back

we've done a straight swap pets in for Bauer I love that Australia will not miss anyone for a minute for a minute yeah I think they're gonna I don't think they're gonna

I don't think they're gonna I don't think they're gonna understand her she's a lot they take everything at face value they're very literal people they're very literal people they didn't understand any irony Hugh Davies

he would go into them and it was a struggle because he'd be like you're the worst fucking audience I've ever seen a mother life and in England we're like ha ha yeah that's funny we like being cool wankers and in melbourne they were like oh no this hurts bless them that's so sweet hey before we start and i want to hear all about australia i have some things to give you so this is chocolate for

m yes but you can't give it to me because i'll eat it don't eat it but she'll give me it anyway that's not the point she'll feed me some of it anyway I don't want to know your private business good god okay I don't want to hear what you're doing with these eggs just don't eat them. They're for M. Okay. Okay, thank you. Okay, so we've got some Tony's chocolate only,

extra special chocolate eggs. They look amazing. And then a... How nice does that look? A chocolate that says, my belly just rumbled so loudly. I bet you've picked that off, Andrew. There's a chocolate that says,

Sleepy Princess. With lavender in. With lavender. She is a sleepy princess. Yum. Yeah. And then... There's this one which says oink, oink.

So cute. So cute. Also, we got sent this pig for our studio. So cool. It doesn't say who it's from, but if I was to go on the outfit that the pig is wearing. Oh, I know who you're going to say. I guess Ruth.

Yeah, Ruth. Bowtie and bowler hat. I hope it's from Ruth, but we don't know who it's from. Could you please identify yourself? Please. We'll put that in. I'm actually going to put that on the table.

I love this little pig. Hey, you, just as you came in the door, I was like, welcome to our new studio. first thing Chloe Peth said wasn't wow wow you guys put so much work in

it looks amazing you said I've got some thoughts what the fuck does that mean this studio is the brainchild of two people that have

three Andrew's worked as a little behind up wait wait wait Andrew's Andrew's just the enforcer okay

right this is the brainchild of two people that have terrible problems with spending one of them one of them

no I'm not that bad. One of them likes things. One of them likes nice things. Yeah. We know which one's which. Yeah. One of them likes things. One of them likes nice things.

Because what you have to remember is I didn't, I didn't know the progression of the story really. Like I knew that. Did you not listen to our business? Yeah. No, I listened to the business app. And there were some revelations in there. The revelations being, God, they've lost their studio. Oh my gosh.

They've done amazing. Then I've done an amazing job getting this new studio. Thank God they've done it. Oh, they've done this big sort of. children in need style outreach where everyone's given all their fucking money and then at the end we find out at the end we find out

if you waited for one week if you waited for one week you could have just gone back to Vauxhall but what but A first of all we didn't know that so we had to act quickly and B I'm really glad we did this because now we can podcast whenever we need to it's also mental

you went for an empty space that you've had to fill with every single piece of equipment but this was the cheapest option and we got the for free from mooch the lovely mooch and we really hustled to get everything as much as we got and look at I think it's gorgeous wow I take it back isn't it nicer than that chipping container yeah it is nicer than the shipping container I just think it's so funny and it doesn't look like everybody else is anymore that you jumped to well we were this was our long term we have to buy our own studio we rent and this is the long term this was our long term plan but we didn't think we'd be ready and then everyone was so wonderfully supportive also people were so nice to us and we're so grateful and please don't stop supporting it's just because Chloe pezz is a dick. Hey, somebody else sent us this. Do you know

who sent it to us? There's a return. Oh, I've just thrown away the box. No, I don't know who it's from. I'm so sorry. You don't know who this is from either, Andrew? No. What is it? This is it. Hang on. This is sick. I should be getting jealous as the Helen Bauer.

Welcome to the star, it says. Trusty hog. That's incredible. A little pig in mud. Fantastic. Who sent this? You must identify yourself. I'm just going to leave you on the wide shot while I go and run and get the box from the recycling. Isn't that sick?

If you throw it up to that camera, don't throw it in, yeah. Do you know what? I'm going to preempt what Helen Bauer would be saying about this. It reminds me a bit of a diglet the Pokemon. Oh, whereas I think what Helen Barrow would be saying for Helen, just for Helen,

mine, for me, for just me, I'm only four. Why didn't you give me two? Is it chocolate? Can I eat it? That would be. I'm going to put it. Oh my God, that's so cute. I also think Helen Bowen shouldn't be allowed near that because she'd be putting that somewhere she would.

Oh God, yeah. She'd be like, it's like an egg, a vaginal egg. How gorgeous? I'm really stuck on the vaginal eggs today. How gorgeous is that? Actually, that's so cool. It's really amazing. Who gave it to us, Andrew? May I just clarify that the people that support this podcast,

you're absolutely wonderful. You should keep doing it. They're legends. Didn't you say they'd be messaging you, actually. No. Well, okay. So I'll give you all of that about how they send us support and then you're like, oh, actually, I do you need to,

clarify something about the support. So some people have been messaging me on Instagram. I don't really respond to Instagram messages because it stressed me out. But people have been asking, they know lots of stuff about Andrew, Catherine and Helen, but they don't know loads of stuff about M. She's an enigma.

The woman's a mystery. Include if you're like making a picture or stuff that she might like. What I would say is she likes very beautiful, delicious things and money. Just big wadzacash addressed directly to her. Nice, nice, no, nice.

But what I would say is she loves, like, luxurious things, like coffee, like really lovely olive oil. You said it so well earlier that if it was on that Clapton memes page. Yeah, so if it's on the Clapton memes page, then she's going to like it. So, like... The Porello olives? Yeah, the Porello olives are a good example.

If you think it's like... If you think it's classy, then go like a little bit classier. She's so fucking classy. Wow. And she like knows. It's because she's a foodie. She's a foodie.

And what I would say is she like preempts the Clapton memes. So if she gets into something, then three months later, everyone in Clapton's into. No way. She's like, she's a trend setter. She's, but she's not a snob. Interesting distinction. An important one too. An important one.

But like I think I'm kind of the same. Like I love, if someone to buy me like a luxurious olive oil, I'd be happier than I could tell you. Like that kind of thing is like such a treat. where I wouldn't actually be able to do it for myself, but God damn, it's nice, isn't it? And it's so nice to see someone just, like, enjoying those simple pleasures of just like a bit of olive oil and bread. My mom got me a salt pig.

Didn't even know I wanted one. A salt pig is just a dish that you can place a hand into to take out, like, mold and salt. We got that shit at home. I didn't know. It's so good. But, like, to come into my space and identify just the thing I needed. Yeah.

Oh, genius. woman, genius woman. Is that what they're called? Yeah, but I would never buy one because it's like, I could just use the box but it's expensive. Why is everything in the kitchen called such awful things?

Like a bread bin? A salt pig. We don't really have an issue with pigs as bad things around here. Tell me who got me this cute little gourds guy. I actually love him so much. Well, rather embarrassingly, someone was in the kitchen

when I was digging through the bins. All I know is from arch miniatures. So thank you arch miniatures. That may be who this. person is ordered from they may have sent it to us direct but it's nice to give at least a bit of credit to arch miniatures I feel like beauty and the beast like if the pig dies

Helen will too it kind of looks like it says trusty hose as well which is a good cute a good option Trusted hose is cute okay now ask me about me okay I want to wait we have one more gift one more gift oh my god

what the hell that's so cool Andrew, what camera do I put that to? Yep, that one, thank you. That's amazing. I look fit as a cartoon. Yeah, you look so good. Do you know what?

Helen's going to love that as well because I feel like that's completely in like the aesthetic of where like her cultural, her cultural interests are like in the 90s, do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She stopped in the 90s.

It's very groovy girl. Very groovy girl, yeah. Groovy chick, it's a groovy chick. Yeah. Hello, Hogs. Thank you forever for making my favorite podcast. I saw your new address on Patreon. I thought I'd send some silly

art of my dream pigs. I would have included Andrew and M, but quite frankly, men are very hard to draw. They drew this and M is a mystery. So here we are. Does no one know what M looks like at heart? She will not go on camera. She's just, she's pain.

This is M when you're like, oh she's so fit, but you're like, Em, going to take a picture of your beautiful glowing skin and she's like, Penelope was in the other week and M wasn't here. And Penelope was like, where's the girl with a gorgeous skin? where is your girl we were like our girl is busy I guess washing her face congrats on your new space

and to captain from passing your driving test and hailed for um founding yellow jumpers yeah yeah that was of course god you guys know the references better than I do she invented yellow jumpers she invented yellow jumpers love Charlie

a fellow millennial swine yes Charlie Charlie this is so cool we're gonna frame this for sure and put it up. This is so cool. For listeners at home it is a gorgeous drawing of Helen and Catherine. Thank you for just hiding. We'll put it on an Instagram. I look, may I say, exquisite. This boardline makes me want to get my lips done.

No, don't get your lips done. Yeah, I won't, but you have nice lips. Thanks, that's true, but... God damn. I want this dress too. Shit, we look so cute. Oh, it's Mickey Mouse on Helen's thing. That is a dress you've got, you idiot. It's a version of many dresses I have. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I want that one.

I don't know where to put this. For now? for now we'll put it here for now do you just want me to hold it for the whole I walked in and I walked in and I haven't seen Catherine in like maybe six weeks or something we had so much to catch up on

she's like oh thank God you're here the tall boy's here can you start doing some DIY I just need you to put the curtain up so if you need me to just hold it the whole episode then as you're general dog's body I'm happy to do that don't you open those eggs do not open those things show me a text from em saying that you can

and then we'll talk I might have a brunch bar Do you want me to check if I have a brunch bar from Sinald Patel? Yeah, because I will get hungry. Okay, I don't want that. Why have you got it from Sunil Patel? He's the voice of brunch bar. Excuse me.

Sunil Patel's the voice of the brunch bar. It's the whole thing. Him and Ed went up for it and he got it. I have a brunch bar. They're delicious. You can have this. Higo. Thank you.

This isn't good podcasting. Get off your phone and eat your brunch bar. I'm just doing a Helen Bauer. Hello, you've been gifted some chocolate, but I'm so... Helen does voice note. She doesn't read out as she types like the oldest, mad at the world. You're sincerely, Chloe Fathers.

What is going on? I have a bit of the chock. Is this how you text? You can I have a bit of your chalk? Kind regards. Chloe. Brackets. No, you can have the brunch.

Four. You can have the brunch bar or her chocolate. You can't just have both. Eat your brunch bar. I'm a big growing boy with a big avatar. You know I'm a big growing boy. Are you jet lag? It's so nice.

When did you go back from Australia? See, maybe I have checked like. I got back on Wednesday morning at 6.40. For the listener, it's Friday, which means that Chloe isn't very chipper form having come back from Australia because the flight is, may I say, hellish. It's the worst part of it because I love Melbourne so much,

but God, it's so awful. Can I ask you guys what you think of this? Please. On the way back, I think I might have like some weird curvature of the spine that I need to get checked out because I just couldn't like sit properly on the chair.

Airplane seats are notoriously uncomfortable like they're famously bad. But the woman in front of me halfway through the flight maybe a third of a flight leaned back and I was so claustrophobic

but my TV screen was like in my face do you think she like that's okay that she did that? Okay so this is an on okay just so you know there's like a section

of the internet that is devoted to this really people are feurious about it you have two stout modes of thinking one is unless it's sleep time it's rude as fuck

especially if somebody's trying to eat and also people have a like if you put your seat back for your kid and there's a tall person behind you you're rude as fuck all that jazz there's also another mode of talking that thinking that is everyone can put their seat back you're just embarrassed to do it to the person behind you

yeah because I'm a nice person that cares about others but everyone can do it so go for it's an option that's available to everyone and it's completely fine to do it whenever you don't know what kind of day people have had or where they're going or what they need yeah so it's fine i'm of this i've come to this conclusion like which is that like the rage i feel about it gets me nowhere i've asked people to put their seat for before they haven't hell it makes it so uncomfortable and awkward i've lived with it and been furious the whole time hasn't ruined their flight just mine

i have had to come to peace with it but i do think it's a dick move but it's one that you cannot change so I think you just have to be like it's gonna happen I just have to put mine back if I want the comfort level I have I think I went through that where I've been trying to work on this with my therapist where it's like not everyone in public is behaving to spite me it's a hard thing to believe though isn't it oh my god I think I need to do therapy on that because yeah yeah yeah and I was just like I think what she's done is incredibly rude I'm so angry and cross at her but she doesn't realize that what she's done is like ruined my flight essentially so I was just like I've got two options I either say something and risk the consequences of that and risk

getting even more angry because I won't get the response that I want or I just make peace with it and just just do what I can for that the journey and once I went through that I was like this is like I hate this but this is fine good well done well done yeah huge growth I've also the reason I the only reason I got over my anger is I have been on long haul flights with people who have been enraged by it and watching their rage whilst they did nothing about it and wouldn't even put their own seat back and had their own trip route and then they ruined my flight too I was like this is futile and actually you're now the problem can I just give a glimpse behind the podcast curtain which is that we are recording this after we've recorded the section of tatty yes we are and

you were speaking so fast in the section of Tati and now you've completely calmed down and I think it's because you've realised that you're not going to get interrupted by Helen. Oh, that's a fascinating take whereas actually it was that Tattie had to get a train. Oh, she was just like, speaking so fast because she had to get train. That was obviously on my mind. I was like, we got to make sure that she's out by this time. I thought you were just like, Helen's going to, Helen's going to oink at any minute. I mean, there is probably that on a subconscious level, but on a real level I was like,

if somebody says to me like, oh, I have to go at this time, that basically my entire thing is the whole meeting will does people be going like, watch the clock for them, watch the clock for them, watch the clock for them, watch the clock for them, watch the clock for them. So instead of just like going at your normal pace and accepting you can fit in whatever you can, you're like, we'll just do it a double time so I can fit in the exact same amount of us before. Yeah. Which is exactly how I live my life and why I never have a day all. Because I'm like, huh, I should probably say no to that. Or I can just do everything in a much worse state.

Excellent. You are a Hermione Granger, aren't you? If I, oh God, I'd love one of those little clocky thing images. Time turners? What's a rememberal? I'm not a Harry Potter fan. I'm so sorry. Oh, no, to be clear, neither are we now.

I fucking love J.K. Rahnies. She's one of my favorite ladies, actually. Love what she's doing for the call. Yeah, yeah, she's great. Yeah, big fan. I haven't really followed her any of her work post-2017, so I don't know if there's anything that I should be aware of. But you seem peaceful, is what I'm trying to say.

I am now. I'm also calm right now that I know that you don't hate our studio. you hate the origin story. Of course I don't hate your studio. I think it's so beautiful. Why did you pause before that? Because I... When you pause, it sounds like you're like,

I'm just going to like be really conscious of the words that I'm choosing. Yeah, in a way where it feels like you're lying. No. Tell us about bloody Australia then. Come on, did you have the best time ever. You went to the Melbourne Comedy Festival. I've been.

It was my greatest month of my life. We've got an email about Melbourne actually just before, to give some lovely context. Oh, yeah. Whoa. Sorry. About me? About, yes, you are indeed mentioned. Go on.

Hi Hogs, I just wanted to give you a big thank you for introducing me to so many great comedians. It's currently Melbourne Comedy Festival and I've never been to so many shows. The name recognition alone has been really helpful. I didn't know some of them were coming, but I've booked for Leah Reich and Lara Ricote after seeing their posters at the Info booth and obviously, Chloe Pets and Hughes Davis. I hope you can all make it down to the next festival. Thanks again, Caroline. That's sick.

That's so cute. That's all cool that people in Australia went to your show because. because they'd heard about you on our podcast. That is really cool. That's pretty cool. That's really cool. Hey, we made it out of a shipping container. That's amazing.

And now you've got this beautiful, beautiful studio. See, I didn't pause once. You see? But the tone was... There was a tone. I can either pause or get the tone right. You made your decision. Do you want tone or pause?

I can, I can't do both. Wow. Wow. Wow. I don't know how I'm puts up with you. Now then. You went to Melbourne and did you get to stay in that fancy hotel play? The Adina.

Oh sweet jean. Yes, I did. With the pool in the gym? Yeah, pool in the gym. So we pooled very regularly. Nice. It's unbelievable. You basically get to stay in these like service departments. You're like in a hotel, but the hotel room is an apartment. And then they're like, have free use of the gym and the pool.

And also there's cucumber water in the lobby. And you're like, who lives like? We didn't have cucumber water. Maybe we're in a different place. Or maybe they just stopped. After COVID. I love the lack of cucumber water. watch it's like, oh no, it must be talking about

an entirely different place. There's no way they wouldn't have put it out for us. Any cucumber water for the whole month? Maybe they did just continue post-COVID. Maybe I drank so much of the cucumber water that we can't sustain them. These comedians are parched. You fucked their business model

because you ate so much, drank so much cucumber water. Do you eat or drink cucumber water? A question for the ages? Obviously drink. That's not a good question. All right. You know that's not a good question, though. Okay, now, Kobe's like, it was obviously at the end.

I'm sorry can I eat one no you can't eat the eggs first Jesus hang on I put my phone on airplane I'm gonna need to see

the reply before you start eating her it's so astonishing that you think that you're entitled to that after all of M's work setting up the studio

and editing she would give me one anyway hang on would she give you first pick um please

all she said is please save some that's so that's so beautifully defeatist it's like I know you're going to eat it I know you're going to eat loads of it

please can you at least just save me some not like yes you can have a piece just like God I know if you open this you're going to try to eat it all so that's so astonishing that she's like please don't eat it all please don't eat it all Please allow me a sliver of my own gift I'm going to

I'm going to send you a picture Chloe that's a horrible indictment of you as a partner please leave me one piece of my own I told you I'm a big strong boy that's sorry you can't that's astonishing because I

okay so I am currently dating a dote of a person who cannot share really she tries so hard but when it comes to food she will she just inhales without thinking and like

I'll be like I'll have you know like maybe set up the situation both the food would be like I brought you this as a treat and then she will just be like and then I'll be like oh do you

I thought we could and she'd be like huh and I'm like oh you weren't gonna do you know what that's really I don't know

I think I am quite jet lagged because I'm having really extreme emotional that's pissed me off why because just give you a little bit even I give them a little bit

I know but she doesn't mean it she just doesn't occur to her also she was raised with two brothers middle child yeah but they eat no like as in like she's like if you didn't eat you didn't eat and I do get that

but she's but no the consequences is that she's trying. She's trying to do two things for me that she doesn't usually do naturally. Bitch and share. She's really bad at bitching. She's so bad at bitching.

She's so nice. We've really tried to get some stuff out of her. And she's getting better. She's getting better. Yeah. I think hopefully she's seeing us as like a safe space for the bitching. Yeah.

Like it won't go any further. No. We don't think of her as a bad person. She's working on it. But with the food stuff, she is now getting much better. But what she will do is, okay, to you remember at her last bite.

So then the steaks are so high. Yeah, because the thing, if someone, if I've eaten a whole thing and it's my last bite, then psychologically, I've planned for that bite. Yeah. And then if someone's going to have a bit, I'm like, that's beyond the pale. The window is closed, whereas I'm like, yeah, I'll take the last bite. And then she always looks so dead said that I'm like, for fuck sake, forget it. Once I had a big packet of crisps and was eating them next to Lulu Popperwell.

And she describes it. I don't remember it like this because I think I blacked out. Ellen does like she will black out what you're doing? Can I have some crisps? No, there's none left. And then straightened out the bag and apparently looked her in the eye as I just drank the last bit of the crisps. So out of order.

No, there's none left. That's mean, isn't it? Oh God, that's so mean. so funny that is so funny oh man yeah that's exactly it and she doesn't she always feels such guilt after that I'd be like oh I'd have love to taste that she'll be like if you feel if you feel guilt that much no but don't you have that thing where you're like don't you have anything where you're similar where you're like look for example I will often watch a TV show without her and then she'd like oh we're gonna watch that together

and I'm like oh okay well that's that's fine you're both selfish as selfish as each other yeah I guess we're both quite like we both like what we like what we like when we like it. Yeah, and I think that that's okay. I don't think that's selfish. I think that's a good thing. But she's working on it and I'll try to do the same. But hey, my point is, what is them saying?

She said, so it's been a back and forth. Yeah. She said, please save someone. I said, I won't eat or can I just have a bit? And just to let you know, there was lots of exclamation marks and lots of question marks. Yeah. Catherine needs this in writing. She says, you can have one strip.

What kind is it? And then I sent a picture saying, what can I have? And she said, you can have the white one. you can try the others if you like and the negotiation is now ongoing where I'm saying what about an egg? You just text your girlfriend

what about an egg? Fantastic. That's not like a... No, it's good stuff. That's not like a suggestion of fertility, is it? Whoa, I wasn't thinking that... No, I just thought it was a funny sentence to say

but you've made for her fertility. Yikes! Okay, so... So cool that she's going to be editing this episode. You're okay? What does that sound? What's that? He just did like a wheezy laugh.

Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, sorry. No, that's so sweet. So I do know that I'm allowed at least the strip of that. But that's not the one you want. Do I want that? I know you do. Is it worth holding out before?

Do you want to try the one you would at least want? I imagine I can I have to go. Oh, here's a question. Because Emcelled a strip, are you thinking a horizontal strip or a vertical strip? Oh, my God, Andrew. You know exactly what I'm. Andrew! Do not take a vertical strip.

Don't you dare! Well, my brain went to totally different place If my girlfriend text was like, you can have one strip I'd be like, sweet, 9pm, I want this music I want you to start in a vest And pinstripe trousers begin It was neat and specific Pinstripe

Very nice Okay, well how have you been then While I've been away? Well, well, missing you obviously And also so insanely busy I'm about to do one of the weirdest TV jobs I've ever done but I can't talk about it on air You can't?

No, but I will tell you about it afterwards but that's stressing me out a lot because it turns out I like people to laugh with me but I'm not very comfortable with people laughing at me shock oh that's a little um I struggle with embarrassment and shame and you'll be embarrassed in this show oh for sure yeah I think like a lot of the time

maybe it's a good exercise then in learning how not to be embarrassed or shame I think it's certainly going to be an good exercise in humbling yeah it'll be that could you do like between now And then can you do some stuff that you find embarrassing to try and like, for exposure therapy? No. Just do something a little crazy right now. Just, wha.

Yeah. Do you think a bit wild? Do you do that? We're not embarrassing, that's so many. No, I did hate that actually. And so thank you for that. That's good. Come on.

Do something embarrassing. Lose control. Scream. I hate this. Oink. Oink. And come and hold my tits without my content. That's just stuff you want me to do now.

Come on. Without my consent, but with all of my enthusiasm. Hey, wait, so, but no, how did you find Australian audiences? What was the best part of being in Australia? They were so earnest, the Australian audiences, that sometimes they wouldn't go for irony. So, but like in a really kind, lovely way. Okay.

Where they take things that quite face value. They meant well. I just think they're like an un-sinical people. Oh, that's so nice. And... How good is their brinked? brunch. The brunch is

really good and really big which I look for in a brunch. What did you get? What was your favourite brunch? Oh fuck

so Ed Ed and I Ed Gamble and I spent quite a bit of time together and I went You did his tour support so you are good friends

and you guys love to talk food we love to talk food we love to be together He dresses like the same lesbian you are We dress the same We buy all of the same clothes

We went shopping a lot together Nice And I actually did the chapel with him Before he went out there and was like, Chloe's already found the good vintage shop.

She's going to have bought everything I want. But it was so funny. I took him into this like amazing shop called, it's spelled H-A-V-N. If you're in Melbourne, go to Harvin is incredible. It's one of the best shops I've ever been in. And I took him in there

and we were like walking around looking for like maybe 20 minutes or something. And then I just picked a shirt out and was like, you're going to buy this. And he was like, yes, I love that. I'm about to buy it at now. That's so nice. But he may not have directly said,

that quote I'm now like oh did I miss quote ed and the only reason I care about that is because occasionally he does listen to the podcast which is a sweet thing of him to do but he usually does that because he um enjoys the disgusting things helen says so maybe you all just not even listen to the yeah it's less likely for him to listen if I'm on yeah I guess um yeah but we had a brunch where I had like uh like this like chili crab so it's like a deep fried crab with like toast like a mound of scrambled eggs like yeah like too many scrambled I felt my cholesterol just going up. And then it was with like

some like chilies and avocado and stuff like that. Yum. It was incredible. Was the crab in the shell or out of the shell? In the shell, soft shell crab. And... Oh. That's the most foody patronising thing you've ever said to me. Yeah, soft shell crab.

In the shell, soft shell crap. Okay, I got you now. Thank you. Go on. I'm just trying to create a visual image for you. And then, so in another day we went to this bakery called loon or lunar it's spelled l-un e and ed had like booked this uh it's called like a pastry lab so you sit on like a counter yeah with like you know the eight people that are booked onto it and in this um in this bakery they have like this glass box where all of the people that make

the pastries are in it so you know like you you know jo's glass box it looks like that but they're making croissants and you watch them make all the crossants and stuff and it's like this temperature control place and so my god I'm getting hungry we had like a three course can you ask him if I can have an egg yeah of course

right let's see what she said you can have an egg can Catherine have one no now I feel bad but I do one who's it from is the question ooh those are from L

who Disney L say L as in E L Say, E-L-L-E, who drives cruisers. Who drives... Cruise ships. Cruise ships. And the fancy chocolate is from OLLI.

OLLI, yes, correct. And also OLLI, OLLI. Okay. Now then. So, at this, oh. We're recording far too close to lunch for this to be good. Oh, can you tell we're hungry? Can you tell?

We get a pizza. Oh, that'd be nice. So three course pastries. So it opens, with just a croissant but when I say just a croissant the best one you've ever had in your life the best quasson I've ever had in my life wow out of the oven 10 minutes oh which apparently is the optimum time and it was like shiny like I could see my face in it yum and then um ed hadn't but me the vegetarian one and that was okay by me because the second course was oh sweet god tell me it was like a taco but the shell

was like quasson pastry yes and it had smoked quosso corn paste on the bottom. Yum. Then like a layer of avocado. Uh-huh. And then this sous vide a pork belly. Holy Jesus. Which was then like finished fried.

Fucking hell. And and then like this like a capsicum. The whole thing sounds like it would melt in your mouth like butter. Oh my God. It was incredible. The capsicum what now? Capsicum salsa. Oh.

Like a bit of like capsicum and chili. Yum. Oh, it was incredible. And then the second, then the third course was like we couldn't get through it. It was like. why? I'll show you a picture of it it was like

you got like a massive slab of cake which was like I hate wasted food we took it home with us oh my god okay fine fine there's like

10 tears like pastry and then like petty foie cream marmalade dolce de leche and then just like on top of each other

and it was just mad and then at the end like they were like do want any hot chocolates or anything and I went to Edel like I'm so I'm so sick

like I feel so sick and the guy came over and was like anything else for you and I was like one hot chocolate and it was just incredible um yeah it was just god damn you had a nice time you had such a nice time i'm so hungry and jealous we ate so many good stuff we we did like another like 10 course thing at super normal and the highlights of that was like uh was it's not really expensive yeah yeah i've spent all my money i've no money left yeah okay okay this is the interesting thing so just for context you feel rich

at this particular festival because when you get there they're like part of your pay is a per diem and they give it to in cash and you're like oh I'll just spend this on my food

but some days obviously you don't spend the per diem on food and so you end up like nearer the end with like cash dollar cash that is mental I spent all of my per diems in the first week

oh okay I ended up with this and then I lived like I was a queen like because I was living in his apartment and my whole I just felt like a totally different woman in in for the whole thing and I just I loved it yeah and and it's that thing of like the perfect weather that time of year as well it's also that thing where you're like we're like oh when in melbourne I know I know oh god it was so good that I'm so glad you had such a good time we got really good to get a white chocolate one there now yeah we got really good at bowling nice

nice actually this is what I should say is I legally shouldn't be allowed to be in a country where logistically I can't watch the Premier League for a month because I put that rowdiness out elsewhere. Where did you put it? I'm, you know, calling... Can you tell what you're in the end?

It's really in my ears. Listeners, if you hate food stuff, I'm so sorry. But if you enjoy the ASMR, a bit of a bonus for you. Just let me suck it for one step. Sorry, Andrew, is this bad podcasting? It's different podcasting. It flies in the face of convention and quality.

Thank you, M. God damn. That was divine. That was divine. Really good stuff, actually. So, anyway, I just got rowdy all the time. Because you couldn't watch the football, you'd put your readiness into bowling. No, like, I just like, you know, if I got annoyed, I'd just like, call a self-service checkout, sex offender or something. Yeah, nice, nice. Nice, good to have someone to direct it.

That's amazing. Hey, um, did you make any unexpected friends when you were in Melbourne because it's nice? It kind of like levels everyone in a way. It's like summer camp. Mm-hmm. Two big friends? I made these two friends called Jane and Ange. When I come over to the UK, you should have them on the podcast.

Are they comedians? They're so, they're a double-act. Jane and Ange, check them out, guys. They are so funny. Are they called Jane and Ange? They're double-act? I think so. They're so funny and such nice people.

Are they doing the French? Yeah. Sweet. What happens is, you know, the festival bar. Yeah. So basically, like, a lot of the hubs of venues are at the Melbourne Town Hall, and then just across a road from that is a bar called Max Watts. And that becomes, like, the festival bar for the whole thing.

Yeah. And you basically, you go in and there's, like, a passholder's bar, but then downstairs there's, like, a stage that every night, there's, like, late night comedy on. And then the chair. And a lip sync battle. Which Leo and Lara won. Woohoo!

That was one of my, like. They won the final. Whoa, that's sick. That was one of my highlights of, that was where I could like cheer like, um, like I cheered so loud I almost passed out. When Mouan did it, I, like, everyone was like, I was apparently like full on, like Kim Kardashian's mom vibe. Like Chris, I was full Chris Jenner.

I was losing my fucking mind. It's phenomenal. What a spectacle. So Leo and Lauer were like amazing at like storytelling. So they did a Taylor Swift song that I can't remember the name of, but it was like. Okay. were different people. Lara was dressed as like a fuck boy

and Leo was dressed as like a blonde girl and they were imagined they were like facing the front of the stage and they were imagining that they were like looking through the window at each other doing signs to each other. That's amazing. It was so good and like Lara's character

would be like hey you up like what's up and then just amazing stuff where like where she'd be like so what do you think of the Israel-Palestine and then Leo would like come back with like this essay

And then he'd lose interest. So, like, we'll put it down and then just be like, I don't know you. That's amazing. It was just amazing. And then the pullback and reveal was that Leo had been, like, trying to entrap this fuck boy. And Sam Campbell, Paul Williams,

and some other guy came out and, like, tied him up. It was phenomenal. It was amazing. But anyway, that happens at the festival bar. And that was where Jane and Anne would frequent. And they were just so lovely. Such arsey names. Jane and her.

Feel very Australian. I've got their stage names. Ang, Lavalpierre and Jane Watt. Yeah, they're amazing. And, uh, and was, she said, uh, she said the only sentence of the month that was so Australian, I couldn't understand it. Which was?

Uh, yeah, why they're sickies and the dunny? Huh? Why they're sickies in the dunny? What? Andrew, any thoughts? Has someone been sick in the bathroom? No. Why they're secies?

Seckies in the Donny. Oh. The Donny is the Lou, right? Yeah. I got that bit. Secis. What? Why are the sectarian?

Why are there? Why are there you being this? I haven't even seen the Protestants in the bathroom. Absolutely backforce. What is it? Security cards. Oh. Never getting. I was never getting there.

I wasn't even close. Me neither. And I saw the secies in the dunny and I still didn't know that's what you were drug. And why were there seckeys in the dunny? They didn't on us doing drugs. Oh, wot-wah, lame. Boo! Boo, I don't know.

Trustee Hogs is pro-drugs. Well... We're not in the BBC anymore. Yeah. And then my other festival highlight, Rob Orton. A charming man. More than a charming man, maybe the best man. Yay!

He has this incredible quality of like seeing the beauty the beauty in all things in such an earnest way that it makes you see the beauty and things too and it makes you feel so happy just to see like a tree or just to be like alive and it just gave me like this completely different perspective on that is gorgeous just reminding me to just be like really happy

and feel lucky it's really infectious isn't it Ellen will like actually stop to smell the roses unironically yeah M does that too and it's like Wow What a way to live To be like so appreciative And present

And that's so nice Yeah Rob, Rob Changed my life Whoa That much of a That much of a Do you join a cult when you were in Australia Yeah me and Rob

We just run around holding hands And climbing up trees I love it I love it The big boys The big boys With growing appetites I must give a shout out to

Huge Davies as well Of course Who was like an absolute asset During that But it did fall into Early on when we got to Abu Dhabi airport Rob and I had only really met probably for the first time

and he kept like asking me loads of questions about like what do we do next and I went I don't know and he went I'm really sorry I have this issue where if I perceive someone to be more competent than me I was just like ask them loads of questions even though they might not know the answer and I was like that's good to note because I will mother people that wish to be mothered and then we were like kind of made like this unspoken pact that we wouldn't let that happen

but Huge Davies did not make that unspoken pack with me and it was like ferrying a toddler around the place at one point I was going to Ed Gamble like it's like ferrying a toddler around the place and then I just hear Hugh behind me go

oh no I've dropped my chocolate ball and I just went I'm not getting involved I'm leaving I'm not yeah you're the only woman in quite a male space there it's quite funny like it's quite predictable

that you ended up being the mother but that's pathetic yeah he just pathetic Hugh he would like he just we'd walk the same way every day and he'd just like go the wrong way and I'd be like how have you like we've been here for 25 pounds. I will say I do relate to that I have no sense of direction and will frequently get lost on my way home. Yeah but you're responsible in other ways that I would be happy to take that

responsibility because I know that you take a responsibility. And also I'll Google it like I'm not going to be I'm not going to be like how do I get there? Whereas for the whole month Hugh didn't have any data outside of the hotel because he hadn't arranged with his with his phone contact to be able to behave. They tell you to do that in advance. I remember the Happy Mill? No. No, so if he wasn't on the Wi-Fi, then we weren't contacting Hugh. I love an email in advance that's like the following things is what you need to do to

enter this country. Yeah, but do you think Hugh Davies would have read that? No. I will say, I just, I think it's a very funny observation about Hugh and also male comedians in general. They are so disorganised, especially, and Hugh's one of the worst of them. But I've never seen them come together so much as when they do comedians five or side football. I've been added to the Comedians Fiveersive Football Group chat, it's got such a

strict rules. Like, you've got to send a message at 12 o'clock on a Thursday. You've got to put 12, 15 on Sunday. You say you're in. And if you don't do it, you've got to do, like, all these like real strict points

and they all follow it. They're all capable of it. So they can organize their lives. They just choose not to. It's important to know it's a choice. I don't know that it's a choice. I don't know that it's a choice. I gave you you enough feedback

throughout the month that I was like, oh no, this boy just physically can't. Do you know what happened? There was this whole joke the whole month that I was like his mother. And we were like, no, not really. he's self-sufficient.

I went a day later than Robin Hugh. I get down to the hotel reception to check out. And they go, oh, you're with Davies, right? And I was like, yeah, yeah, I'm with you. And they were like, he's left his house keys. What? He just left his house keys in Australia. How?

Why would he even have them out? So I had to courier his house keys home. Are you fucking? And then meet him last night and do a handover. In my head, he was like, in my head he's like waiting on his own doorstep for you to arrive. to be like, Mommy, can you let me in? I'm freezing.

Oh, yeah. And then when he turned up to click the keys, and I was like, he went, don't hug me, a bird's shout on me. He's just like the most unfortunate man you have ever made a love. It's wild that having come from, like, probably the airport to bring him in his keys, he would even assume you'd want to hug him first

and not be like, fucking slap. I was like, don't even look at me. Oh my God, I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed. That's so devastating. Wow, that's very funny. Okay, great. Well, I'm glad you had such a good time. What was your highlight of Melbourne when you went?

The brunch was excellent. It's just all rosalie to brunch. Oh my God, I love brunch. And also I am hungry, but also Alice Fraser took me paddleboarding in St. Kilda. And that was so cool. And also just getting to know, like, loads of really nice comics from the States. We got on really well with them. But mainly it was like feeling like a woman with no concerns.

So much of my life is. maintaining the home like I feel like maintaining my house is like a full-time job just like being an adult is quite like administratively heavy in a way that I didn't anticipate and the freedom of like

I don't have to figure out how I'm going to pay for things where I need to go where I'm going to live I felt like free because you also have like people from the festival

that in the first week like if you have to go somewhere they'll turn off at the hotel and like walk you to that place It's the best. I've got Google Maps. I know, it's so nice. They'll baby you to shit

and also like there would be a group chat where it'd be like does anyone want to go here for brunch? I didn't have to make a decision once. I just, and I have to make all the decisions what I will say though is

if you're not making the decision someone is making the decision and it fell a lot to me to be the leader of that group chat and be like, this is what we're doing at this time. Right. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, I hear you. I did take my foot off the pedal. But it's good for people like you that you're not doing it for one month. You're not becoming the person. Yeah, that's true. Probably by the third week I was, but... Yeah.

But I just loved it. I also just loved the capacity to actually write because you weren't on the same email time zone as everybody else. Oh my God, the creative energy that creates is so nice. The space is so lovely. Yeah, I loved it, and I would love to go back. It sounds divine.

I love that. Yes, please. That would be really cool. If you're listening, please. We can brunch together constantly. The thing I will say is I think why my jet laggers has been all right is because the last five days

I stayed out to at least 5 a.m. every day. But the latest one I did was 7. Oh yeah, I went nuts. I went nuts. I just love to dance. I love to dance. Yeah.

Not until 5 a.m. But it was perfect because then it was like M's evening so I could just give her a bell at the end of the night. Perfect. You romantic. Well, she probably hated it

because it would just be like drivel. I just went to McDonald's. It was really nice. Did you go to that vegan? chicken place? No. Oh God, it's so good. It's like fried chicken, but it's all vegan. Do you know what it's cool? I cannot remember for the life of me. Okay, well, we'll have to know back. Carl Donnelly usually. Satan. Oh, House of Satan. There's one in Camden.

Oh, it's so good. It's so good. It's so good. You get there in the break. Yeah, I figure, let's do it. Market. Wake up with low-priced 365 by Whole Foods Market protein waffles and breakfast burritos. Prep lunch boxes quickly with 365 brand juice boxes, crackers, dried fruit and more. And look for sales on no antibiotics ever ground beef and chicken breasts that make meal prep a breeze. Shop best in class fines for back to school at Whole Foods Market, in store and online. Hello, Tati. How are you? I'm excited to be here.

Bonjour, bienveno, a trusty hug. Yeah, before you got here, we never met before, and I was like, oh, what's Tassie Light? And Andrew just went, just like French. That was all you were described as. But then you arrived with a peace, love, Arsenal, T-Shed-Han. And it's all just ruined the vibe, to be honest. I'm really sending mixed messages.

You are? I want to say on the air right now, I don't support Arsenal. I don't support anyone. She said holding her Arsenal offense to my breath. Neither does she support peace or love. Honestly, this is so... Also, what's weird about we wearing this t-shirt, okay, it's on so many different levels,

this is so personal, what we got in so deep, so quick. This was a gift from my ex-boyfriend who was a massive Arsenal fan. It was made by his brother... Behave. Who is an even bigger Arsenal fan. He makes a fanzine

and has, like, an entire fashion brand dedicated to Arsenal. I mean, I was this most tasteful football shirt, t-shirt I've seen. Thank you. To be fair, if it's a fashion brand, it is just a white t-shirt that he's put a couple of words on.

Hey, let's not shit on the brother. He didn't hurt her. The brother didn't hurt her. The brother, did the boyfriend hurt you? No, neither hurt me. They're nice boys. Peace, love and ours. I mean, I don't go that far, but I don't mind.

But you know what it made me realize is that I have been following football since we broke up. And my fat mate was like, oh, that's great. Like that passion is like really rubbed off on you. And I was like, no, that's not why I'm following. I just want to know that he's sad. I decided to keep track. It's a bad. season for an Arsenal

band in a certain. It's been going really well for them. Yeah, but exactly, but there was a bit where it seemed like he might be happy without me and and not anymore. Yay! Oh my God, that's delightful. And there I was thinking I genuinely was, I'm so self-involved, I was like

oh, she's strategically chosen the T-shirt for the lesbians. No, not at all. She's just bitter and twisted. We love it. We love it so much. No, to be, do you have a show title name yet? Because bitter and twisted could work. Wow, I have got a show title and it is not that good. Let's workshop it now.

No, I don't want. It's in the Edinburgh Fringe brochure. It's in the brochure, yeah. And everyone knows, everyone watches the brochure. What is it? Yeah, no, the hard copy brochure is where it's at. It's where it's where it's where everyone books their show. Okay, so you're not gonna like it because it's not gonna make any sense and it's a bit arty-farty.

Okay. It's Fugg. I like it. This is, you're talking to a person that called my show Transience and immediately regretted it because it sounded like I was trying to be clever. And it's difficult to like bear the cross of having a show name that you're not that enthusiastic about. But explain food to us.

I'm quite into my show name because I didn't. You just said you didn't like it. No, I don't like saying it. No, I don't like saying it. But we are the same person, so that makes sense. No, well, I feel like it's, it's just other comedians. It sounds pretentious. How do you spell food?

F-U-E. I would say fug. F-U-E. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. As in like being in a fugues. yeah yeah thank you thank you i think it's so good it's also beautifully vague which means that the show can become what the show is and the name will fit if you want to if you try hard enough exactly

so the way it is and i'm always so i've really hashed the definition to make it work so there's two definitions with food there's one which is like it's a musical thing and the second one is and i can never remember it even though i've called it for months and i really should have learned the definition by now but it's a psychological state in which is a flight from one's home often paired with a loss of awareness of one's own identity. You remembered that pretty well. Yeah, that's the first time. Can you say it again?

I couldn't take it in. No. No. No, that was the one time. That was your own time, Chloe Betts. God damn it. So flight from one's home, often paired with a loss of one's sense of identity.

And then it goes on to say, often teamed with hysteria and, um, like epilepsy. But that bit I've cut off because that's not relevant to my show. Yeah, no, it'll be weird to do a show about epilepsy. if you're not epileptic. Yeah, exactly, that's what I do. Yeah, because I don't think anyone's coming to your show

with, like, the dictionary definition and going, she hasn't done hysteria or epilepsy. You've not met French people. Like, I feel like that could happen. That is correct. I refuse to hang around with any of them. It's not really your vibe. That's so funny.

But for context, because your accent, it doesn't say French, but your hair does, confusing. Do you think this hair says French? Not the pink, but the cuss. Oh, yes, that's a really good point. We've always in blue is the warmest color. Sure.

Ah, I've not. You're like the flip side of it. Yeah. That also fits. But here's my, I actually haven't seen it either, to be fair. Because I left it too long and then there were all those articles about how they were probably, it was probably coercive. And then I was like, it's too late now. Yeah.

But she's had an amazing, I mean, they've both had amazing careers out of it. But it really launched the career of. Leia. Is that she an idea? No, Leiazidu was huge before then. The younger one, I think she's called Eler something. Oh, can you do the French accent again? I don't.

That was working for them. Yeah, that was working for me. only only not lesis but it was the podcast give Chloe a moment for a second I thought you said

give Chloe a boner but you said moment and that's important that's good women doing podcasts it's safe and this is good and appropriate

workplace chat I don't know why I'm worried about us offending you Helen's not here your life's great she would be screaming in German

at you and holding your tips yeah they held them and told you their size Yeah, sorry we can't do those. Oh, really?

Yeah, I mean, I would love to do it. I could try. But I'm not going to volunteer for that. Chloe, volunteer against tributes. I could give it a go. On me, I feel like it's a little bit different. On Helen, it's just like, oh, you know, you're, you're a kooky best friend. Yeah.

Whereas, yeah, it feels a bit more. From either of us, I think it seems opportunistic, to be honest. That's really, isn't it funny how this is such a same space because we're all women? because if I was on a podcast and you were a man and you suggested to me that you could feel my breast to figure out what size it would be like that would go down so badly.

It was going to this podcast before. Yeah, I feel like it still should go down badly from either of us to be honest. My first thought was, I would love for someone to do that. I would love, I love the idea of someone being able to. I'm not even sure what size they are.

She's incredible. She's incredible. It's her superpower. If you see her at a gig, like anyone, she can do it with anyone. And it's unreal. Every time she hits every time. And she knows what the breast size is just like that.

Back as well or just the cup? Oh, both. Both. And people know she's right as well because even when people are wearing the wrong size, they never say, no, you're wrong. They go, oh. Look, we were in a bathroom with Deborah Francis White. Helen measured her.

She said what size she was. And Deborah didn't say no. Deborah said, but I spent so much money on this bra. And it's like, yes, you know she's spot on. She's so good. And then the next time you see Deborah Francis White, she'll be like, my back pain is no longer there, and you've solved everything.

Because she's trying to show her bride. It's incredible. We're going to get around just to check in on her back. But can I just say that I know that I wear bras that are too big for me? Do you? Well, I'm glad that you. But why do you do that? I don't know wearing tight things on my back.

So 100%, like people will be like, oh, you should wear something that's quite fitted and there's lift. And I just know that really, if I took off my bra, there wouldn't be like much drop. Like I've just left my bra with saggy And I'm okay with that But you can get somewhere in the middle It doesn't have to be hoisting

Or like drooping It could just be like holding Yes but you know like when you look at your back And you think my bra shouldn't be up Around my like shoulder blades Yes correct You like you like it that way I'll leave it big

You're wearing more of a necklace than a bra I'm like this one too big If it's too big wide up Oh because it rides up If it's too big it rides up Or I mean depending on how big This big not the cup side but the bit around the back

I wonder if that's that's so interesting Helen would be kicking off right now and I'm going to tell her I'm going to tell her and she's going to find you I'm so sorry No I love that I love that she'll be at a gig

and she will just come to all you have I want that to happen Helen if you're listening please please next time I see you just unceremoniously come and grab my tips and tell me what my briefs she mouth briefs as well so that does add an element

but takes away the surprise in a way yeah but it's like if someone comes towards you with their hands open going at your tits going yeah you've got the cross eye as well yeah that's dead right

the thing is she will be listening because she'll be sad to have missed out on properly talking to you on the podcast and also she will be listening because she doesn't really like when Chloe replaces her oh yeah competition yeah

you say competition I say competence yeah and she I think as they say shot fired yes indeed she finds that very threatening she hates it also i think she should be worried that this will become like just a sapphic duo it makes more sense as a lesbian podcast i'm sorry though but chloe doesn't have the boob skill like what's your skill no that's quite a big what's my skill

what's your skill going what's your skill in relation to tits go i have a different skill i have a different skill with tits do you have a skill around the valley maybe oh oh no wait that sounded flirtatious what I meant was. Oh, oh, oh. Yeah, I can check your fanny size. Yeah, I could go right up in there and tell you how big it is. Handful.

It's quite funny that you said, you were like, I'm not flirting, whereas I heard like abject and egg. I was like, oh, like, do you maybe have a skill around? This is just savage thing, just like, no. Yeah, I mean, like, can you tell what a like a lady looks like looking at someone's lips?

I don't know, like, do you know, like maybe there's that, like. hear what you're saying that would be like what I could tell about could you tell from a gene what kind of vagina you're going to be like oh Jesus we're we're we're what we're doing is we're on the precipice of like we're leaving feminism and going into saggy fanny chat yeah and I can see us both not being willing to come because we love women too much god all fannies are beautiful all fannies are gorgeous Truly they are.

I have to say I've done trusty songs quite a lot this is the most I've ever blushed and I would like I'm gonna look down the camera I like everyone watching this on YouTube

I want you to go back through I think I've blushed three times and I want you to find the stills of the exact moment that I start blushing that's so funny because we have a Trusty Hoggs memes account

which is genuinely funnier than the podcast which is very annoying and they will do that I think I think she'll do it oh my God they cut it and they make amazing memes Such good memes. Such good memes.

Oh, that's really fun. So your aim is to get memes. Yeah, your aim is hell of, like, yeah, you want to be memes. I love that you did a little face, like, eh. This is meme of all. This is me when Chloe measures my fanny. This is me when I measured the fanny. You know, I also blush.

It's like a real, um, did you blush when you were growing up? Are you two fucking kidding me? No. No. Sorry, no. Yeah, but it's not a skin, because I've got a fake salmon right now, So it's not a skin thing. Like, you can be pale and not brush.

I blush if I, like, even try to tell a little bit of a fib, but I'm talking blush from like, from like, from like, nipple to forehead. Really. What about, it's a bit personal again, but after you orgasm. Of course. Specifically on the neck. Oh, mine's all cheek to neck.

Cheek to neck. It comes up in like. Hives? Well, no. Post-orgasm haves? It's not a hive. It's a, would you call it like it's a plack. It's a joyful color, a color of pleasure.

A pleasure color And it got to the point Not what you think it would be Ex-boyfriends have known They'd be like You have an orgasm Why were you lying Tassie? Well I never did

You know the answer to that It's men No I've actually never lived about that Never ever loved about I have like No no I just be like I'm not gonna come We can stop now

Whoa you are a French Is that really? I'm not gonna come we can stop now I think you were I think We were talking before the podcast I think you're, from my limited knowledge of you, a strong personality that knows what you want. Okay.

That's a good read. I'm like, it's French. French is, this has been inefficient and I have other things to do now. Remember when Catherine said, you want, you want, no, actually, I'll have a tea? You thought that was having strong personality? No way. Now, Tadji, let Chloe finish

because I think you know there are some qualifications. I think, like, with Oak Milk, if you've got it, but I will have dairy, but this temper. with this stress. No sugar. Filders, obviously. And then there was only

coconut milk, which is a crime and I'm sorry about it. I am sorry about it. At which point I knew, I knew with the tea in my hand, I was like, there's only coconut milk

and you were like, it will be a coffee, but with coconut milk? And I was like, all right. And like, I see and respect, like, we are the same.

I'm exactly the same way. So there's no shade. It's just that you were like, sorry to be fussy. I don't want to be fussy. And then Chloe was immediately like, well, you have been pretty fussy. And that is me on my best behavior.

Wow. it's been my best behavior because I don't know you well enough to sort of be but yeah that's my best behavior to like say the place you want the coffee from specifically which is what I would be tempted to do I always do that at jobs and they're like if you know people how do you think you would be like with your friends or like a partner or something um I don't know I think I don't really know it's difficult isn't it having that perspective well how do you think you're easy going Chloe oh that's a good question do you think I'm easy going in some circumstances and then I get very uptight about lots of things.

Yeah, okay. So, okay, this is, this is, okay, this is, okay, this is, okay, this is, okay, this is, okay, this is a bit of insight into who I am in a relationship. Great. Last Valentine's Day, actually not this one, I was single for that one, last year when I was in a relationship, um, I had a big fallout with Mike's boyfriend. On the day. On the day, yeah, of course, uh, because. Was it the Arsenal boyfriend? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 14th for, February last year, it would have been a bad day for Arsenal. I can understand why he would be in a bad place, actually. Was it? It's always a fucking bad day for Arsenal.

And what happened was, well, Casey, this is an example maybe. So he did eventually come round. I'd been irritated about something that happened a couple days before. And when he came around, he did bring me flowers, but he bought me an orchid. And he bought me a card, but a card he'd, like, made himself. But just by printing on the photo. If you were a straight man listening to this podcast, an orchid is only for your mom. Are we, you're saying with me.

It is only for your mom. Thank you. If you're maybe celebrating somebody coming out who's now into women, like you could do it like an ironic. It looks like a badge. But to be honest, it's just for your mom. He turned up. He turned up and I said to him, what is this?

And he was like, well, and I said to him, you turned up so late at the flower shop, this is all they had left. Yeah. And he was like, no, I picked it. He gave me the card. It was a photo that he'd printed off of us. and he'd written in like multi-colours above it, happy Valentine's Day.

Oh, I think that's lovely. He's tried there. He's tried there. I was like, there were no cards left in the shop. I said, this you just printed this off. It's black and white. It's not even colour. It's on paper, not card.

Oh, it's not like he hasn't gone to snap. And I just said this whole thing stinks of like a complete lack of effort. Like, it's just not good enough. So I made him redo Valentine's Day. Yeah. And we went to a restaurant. And I said to him, before we arrived,

I said, I want a card, I want flowers, I want a game. Straight women are wild. This is also so funny to me that you two are sat over there like absolutely raging. And I'm like, it sounds like he did a good job for me. Fellas had a good go. Orking in a handmade card. But when I do have a question, what did you get him for second Valentine's Day or first? Okay, so I turned up, I bought him, um, uh, I bought him a card.

Nice. Um, with a polar world of myself in it. Cute. And then, he's welcome. Exactly. put that in your fucking wallet and eat it. I don't know. And then I bought him, like, Otolengi mix of spices.

Huge, that's nice. And two Otolengi, like, fresh puddings. Whoa, that's really nice. Thank you, I am romantic. I give it back. Yeah. For his 30th birthday, I went all out. Anyway, he turned up with nothing.

No. I thought, oh no, no, he didn't have my card. He thought, I know, no, no, this was the second third time to say. After I told him, I wasn't really six. So he hadn't learned. Yeah, no, he thought I was joking, I cried. Daddy!

I cried. Okay, well. He couldn't get his head round it. It was like, but it's not even Valentine's invented. I was like, I know, I know, but I don't care. But also I just want you to try. I just want you to care. But what I hate is that you even have to ask for those things,

because the thing is, like, I can quite honestly say it I don't care about Valentine's Day because women, as a general rule, I think, are, well, the women I've dated have always been quite romantic. the woman I'm dating is quite romantic so I don't feel like this is the time that you can show me that you actually think about me it's just like another time to think about

like I don't know I think that's so late like there's obviously something where you were like I need this proven to me for some reason we were doubting it also is weird that we're talking about this so much so I'm just conscious of I'm just like we broke up like a while ago

and it's completely fine it sounds like I'm kind of like yeah and I'm still not over it you know as far as I'm concerned we're talking about how boyfriends are bad and girlfriends are good I'm just trying to get you to the dark side. We don't believe in binaries apart from that one.

Yeah, this is a conversion podcast. We bring you in, we're like, so lesbianism. I would love, I would love to go out with a woman. You're halfway there with a haircut. Yeah, I know, and I'm a comedian. And the T-shirts helping, hello. I'm the only, like, it's weird that I'm not into women. I feel like I should be.

Yeah, thank you. Yeah, we think it's really strange. How about if. Yeah, if Chloe starts by. measuring you're gonna I can get you I can get you sized up we'll get you into the community it's a nice pick-taken yeah we'll talk you through it how exciting hey Andrew do you have a problem for us to solve um is that okay now that we know who you are and by the way just to circle back real fast um Chloe saying that you're not uptight is so funny because I own who I am

which is the most uptight tidy-tied women no I think that you are uptight in circumstances that you don't control right of which there are now very few in your life because we like things like how we like them and we like them when we like them and we like them and we like them other than that we're chill this is absolutely mental this is absolutely mental

you've been really chill right now sorry are you just finding this out how do you like yeah I know it about myself but I didn't think other people could see it okay because you were a beanie before we're gonna be like she's cool yeah she reads poetry

she's relaxed no you do but like really she's really intense we're making that chill doing it like a lying on a a hill with a little bit of grass at your mouth. That's really interesting. Unless you had a gig later or you were like, you didn't really, you were trying to be clean with your intake that week or you had a half marathon to run.

And the hill would be one that you chose based on something you saw on the internet. And I love you so much because we're quite compatible because I'll say to Chloe, do want to go for a walk? And Chloe will be like, yeah, sure. How about we meet at this gate of this park at this time? We'll go to this coffee shop. We'll then take two circuits. We'll cross the road.

Just another coffee shop there. We want some more refreshments. You can go to the loop if you need to. Then we'll head for another circuit of this park. and then I'll take you home and you're like oh that's delightful what a plan but come on yeah I've got strong dad energy I think I was hiding it better than that

oh really well I have to say I'm probably not as I mean I can be in tents in places but I don't think you know I'm really untidy oh I'm really really really messy my bedroom's a pig style really yeah really untidy people you've got lots of pileies oh yeah hell and God my floor my floor my floor My floor is my...

One piling. No, why? You can't even see it. Do you know, there was this thing I saw that is real and it was like, oh, there were different types of women and there were some women you do their makeup on the floor and someone who did their makeup in the bathroom and someone who did their makeup at like a desk or a vanity thing.

And I walked into my bedroom and I was just like, one side of my floor's clothes, one side of my floor is makeup. And that is, I set up my floor to do my makeup. Like, yeah. I obviously have a vanity. Her name's Dorothy. Yes, of course you do. That makes so much sense.

I got her from Venturi. I'm not so in many ways like there are some bits about me that are quite chill I'm very I'm very untidy I can be quite like if I yeah I'm not like it's wild to me that we've just lumped in untidy with chill and uptight with tidy because it's like that's like that's like an aesthetic lifestyle too that's not like I'm so chill I don't need my clothes to be clean you know what I mean like that's like that's like I'm so chill I don't pay my rent like that's like that's the same territory as that to me I'm like no that's wild that's crazy but if it works for you just Does you not stress you out? But do you know where your stuff is? What? Oh my God, this is stressing me out. We've ganged up on it.

Do I know? Yeah, I just feel like I haven't got, um, uh, I do try, like I tied it up like once a week, but it's just because of the way my- Oh, I just don't have the time. I'm late for everything always. Because you're looking for your stuff and your floor drawer doesn't matter.

It's just, it's just, you know, and actually I do not apologize I've been late anymore. I say as soon as I start dating someone, I say, I'm not available and I'm late. I do expect huge gestures of romance. And if you don't know, even though I will be late

and I won't show up with much, I will expect you to do a lot of the work and then I'll cry if you don't. And my newest thing, because it happened a couple of times where guys cancelled on me on the day, my newest thing was saying to them, if you cancel on the day,

I will not reschedule. Even if it's like your boyfriend of like five years? No, that's different. I'm talking, first date I'll go on with someone or even a second, first couple of dates, a couple of guys cancelled on the day.

And I said to them, before it even started, I was like, look, if you cancel on the day, I am not rescheduling this. Whereas you bowl up two hours late. Boom. Fagging out of your hour. Boom. I'm there.

I'm there. I don't care if you're late. Sorry, boy. At least I'm here on time. Where's my flowers, bitch? Really? Let's hear the bloody problem now that we know who we're working with. Do you know about the format of this podcast?

Yes, yes. Of course I've listened to it. That's kind of. Thank you. My friend Charlotte's a massive fan by the way. Hi, Charlotte. She's on the Patreon. What's sick? Hey, Charlotte, that's so sweet.

Literally, I said to her, I might do the podcast, and she was like, no. No. Charlotte! No. She's got an angel. She's going to be gutted that you didn't get a Bauer episode. Do you know what she said to me? She actually said to me, they've changed podcast studios.

Charlotte, we love a woman who keeps abreast of the movements. Good. Thank you. That's a redhead. Charlotte is so endeared. Oh my God, you've said this twice in it. Stop being so insecure. Everyone's thrilled you're here.

You should come back just for like a little mini episode with Helen. about and she can do your breasts. Yeah, great. And a shout out to Charlotte up. That's so sweet. Well, maybe Helen's in Australia now, but she's going to do a little vlog. Maybe I'll text her and ask her to guess your boob size from there.

That would be great. Bit of fun. You need to give it. Oh, nice. Oh, lovely. I don't know I did that. We both stared at and I'm like, no. Wrong?

Also, you were like, oh, I don't know why I did that. Neither was even, we were like, this is the greatest day. I'm like, yes. Tits! All right, let's hear it. Even I was like, should I cut to her?

No, let's leave it as a long shot. I wish you'd zoomed. I wish you'd zoomed, Andrew. Go on. Hi, Hogs. I've got a friend, C, who came out as a lesbian last year. Congrats to C. This has been really exciting time for her,

and she seems so much happier and confident in herself. Cool. She's had a crush on a girl Pee for a while, who had a long-time boyfriend of five years. Brackett, she is bisexual. A few months ago, P broke up with her boyfriend and moved in with C. As friends? Goodness knows.

Well, they started spending lots of time together, which led to them sleeping together. So, yeah, I guess they started as friends. And going on dates, and now they're basically dating, but without the label. P is telling C she wants to be with her, but she's still going on dates with other people to keep playing the field, and that her and C can't be in a relationship. But then she's also telling C about these lavish holidays they're going to go on. they're going to meet each other's families, et cetera. It feels like she's just transferred her old relationship on to C, and it's a rebound.

I don't know what advice to give to see about this, as I don't want her to get hurt, but I also don't want to be that person that's really judgy of a friend's partner and ruin our friendship because of it. Any non-well-based advice would be really appreciated. Brackets, we don't have any wells where I live. Thanks, X. You could dig one.

Bad attitude. Yours is a bad attitude. Bow is not here. No well-based advice, please. What does that mean? Helen's advice has always put someone in a well. Oh, oh. Or moved to Germany for a year?

Sorry, I thought that was a British expression I wasn't familiar with. No, no, no, no, no. Imagine. You don't know the well stuff? They're mad for them here. Queen, Wells, I love them. Where there's a well, there's a way. Yeah, exactly.

I like it. Let's get that on a T-shirt. Very nice. Very nice. Any thoughts? Well, I do, but I don't know if they're going to be very popular. Ooh, we love that. We love that.

I'm sorry. I suppose when I heard that I feel like the pitch was a little bit that sees the victim but who's the victim well none of them are really victims I feel like it sounds like P's being quite transparent about the fact

that she's seeing other people and maybe she really does want to sort of present see and do all those things with C but also has obviously just sort of come out of a long relationship is exploring this new perhaps herself you know what her sort of sexual

preferences or whatever. So I feel like my opinion is, see can see clearly what the situation is and she decides whether or not she wants to be involved in it or not. That's lovely. So trust C is your advice really. Trust C to make her own decision. Well, if I were C's friend, I'd say, look, you've seen what the situation is. Do you want in or do you want out? It's not going to change. Wow. I love that. I like it. That's strong. I will not be rescheduling energy.

That's excellent. You were really dominant with that And I liked it. Calm down, Clopets. What's your advice? My advice is this. Okay, so I think it's important to remember that C only recently came out as gay. And I actually had a friend sort of go through this recently who recently came out as queer. Sorry, a little cough from me.

Dexy. A little cough from the corner of Catherine. Just a little cough. Okay, sorry. That was deep and throaty. I'm sorry. That really took Chloe's thunder. I'm so sorry.

It's sounding like the kind of cough I'd do. It's, I'm so sorry. Sorry, I had a little cough. Okay, start again. See, you just came out as go. So you just came out as gay. And I think the thing you have to remember is when you come out, it's like this like crazy, exciting, intoxicating experience.

And it almost feels like you're a teenager again because you're like experiencing all of this stuff for the first time. And I think sometimes, and this is, I don't want to tart all teenagers with the same brush because loads of them are incredibly mature and know exactly what they want. but I do think a lack of experience in life can often come with you like not advocating for yourself and knowing what is like best for you

so I feel... Also they've like she had a crush on this P person for so long when they were in a relationship so it like obviously will have been more significant to her as well right? Exactly like I feel like they're just going through like very intense teenage feelings can I check something

because I want to make sure I've got the stories of writing around so C is the one who has just come out as gay yeah yeah and p has been is the one who was in a relationship with a man for a long time and is bisexual and he's already established as bisexual oh okay i didn't get that bit but but i think maybe the advice that i would begin to see is like this won't be the only person for you you you need to remember that like you are an interesting attractive person that can go and be dating other people as well if you want to and it's important that you don't put all your air again in one basket when you're like exploring sex right basically saying what you're saying

so interesting i have a totally different take to both of you it's so nice that we have three different takes are they teenagers no oh okay yeah but would your advice would you're like okay but let's pretend that they're in there because okay i feel a bit now now yeah the dynamic i think your advice was good i thought p was like more also someone who had just started dating women yeah so there was more like we're both in this position of sort of being like exploring ourselves but maybe P's got a little bit more not power but sort of like is a bit more grounding because they're a bit more comfortable with like who she's or whatever but what I was going to say was would you feel differently about it if they were all in their like late 30s

no but I think I think maybe that maybe they are like in their 20s or 30s or something but I'm just saying like when you come out as gay it always feels like a second like a second teenage years of like this like intense romantic thing and that can sometimes mean you get swept up and like put your exit of the basket of one person when actually you're not analysing whether that person is right for you but what I...

Especially if you're like coming out as sort of wrapped up in your feelings about them Is it? Is that quite a common thing? Like I think you can occur to a person that they're gay because of their feelings about one specific person and then that person can take on a meaning that person Perhaps they wouldn't if you were all like already out.

Does that make sense? Yeah, because I feel like I know people that may have happened. That's interesting. I'm going to say I have a third take. Oh, great. Tell us the take. X, don't give any advice. In as much as you can possibly do, make neutral statements.

They live together. This is going to be messy A-F. Welcome to lesbianism. If you don't have friends who are already dating their female friends, let me tell you from experience, it's going to be a hot mess and it's going to be drawn out and it's going to be complicated. And what you don't want from two women who I can only presume having watched women row have excellent memories is any statement of side taking of I told you so's or of like being against the relationship and then the relationship working out and then them holding that against you. if you want to maintain your relationship with these two people

in particular with C, I would say keep it nice and neutral my friend. Nice and neutral I'd say at arm's length when it comes to advice giving that you only care about her happiness happy to listen and you think whatever she thinks is best. But I think also within

that. Unless she asks for it like she overtly asks what should she do and even then I would be so careful because lesbians like you think you know drama. this is going to be drawn out and messy. Yeah, but be honest. You're in the pub.

Withsey, you've had a bottle of wine, maybe two. Really? Is that the stance you're sticking to? Yes. Really? I have been burned so many times. That's the best advice, but I think we're giving the advice

where if you do have had the two bottles of wine, these are the sorts of pieces of advice you should be given. I don't think there's any problem in saying someone, just being like, look, yeah, it sounds like, it's going to be a nightmare, you're living together, that it's not a great idea. She's shown you who she is. She's still a great person.

If you want to be with her and you're happy with the situation, crack on. But it's not going to change any time soon. So it's up to you to make that choice. But I also think like making really like empowering statements. But you know what I mean? You love life coaching. You can't help it.

I'm telling you, I've been burned so many times. And also like, I don't have a good, like, fake. I'm not taking sides tone. So I have to just. be like, neutral statements. I have a, neutral statements.

Can I say, I have a theory. I'm sorry, this is like really, no, go on. I feel like, would you,

when you're hiding your emotions, does your voice go a bit more high-pitched? Oh, absolutely. Yeah. So you'd be like, I think it's a great idea.

I think, look, they can both, they can do that. Both things can be true. She can both want to be with you the same mind. You do and want to fuck other people.

Both statements can co-exist. And they can. They actually can that's the other thing is they actually can go exist but you might not be C might not be in a place where that is something that they can handle and that's where it's tricky I think that's maybe something you can ask is like what do you think her limitations are um I'm so sorry mid this problem solving I've just noticed Andrew does they handle of that cup break uh yes yeah yeah yeah it's what's going you dropped it I'm sorry yeah I did I did drop it what happened was um you got so pissed off it was this

this mug here, one of our chicken die bouncing mugs. I wonder if did you break it. The quality is high. The quality is high. I was going to say. It's high quality. What would be highlighting? How'd you break it? Basically, there's lots of wires that I've not quite managed properly yet.

Did you trip over? I tripped over and smashed everything. Sweet, Angel Andrew. But still, do tell me if you break stuff that we all collectively own, yeah? Catherine. I'm joking, I'm joking. I'm joking. Catherine, did you feel too seen by what Tati said so you I drew attention.

No, no, no, that's objectively true. Of course I do. But I also, like, I also can't cope with, um, the broken mug. Well, now it's, now it's the lovely pen pot. Mm. Yes. Yes.

Would you like another problem? Yeah, go on. Give us one more. Do you have time for one more? Let's do it. Did we solve that one? Yeah, I think we've given three good options and I'm right. I think just being fair, clear, kind.

And also knowing that it's going to go on. messy. Messy and drunk. Anything you, no, I'm just like, anything you say will be used against you. But I also think as well, like, if it is going to go on, be really careful and, like, setting boundaries because we've all been in, like, those situations where you just want to talk and talk and talk about it. Yeah, I do definitely agree with this.

Yeah, just be like, you know what I think about this. Yeah, exactly. I don't want to engage in this anymore, so I'm just indulging. And also, like, I want to have a friendship beyond being your agony and for your relationship. Yeah. Like, let's have some fun. You're, I think you're a person who's more interesting than just this. Yeah.

And also, I've been, there's a couple of things that I feel like I've happened as I've gotten older is that actually I'm much more comfortable saying to my friends, look, we both know that's probably not a great idea, but I absolutely don't judge you for doing it. Yeah, love you. Yes, gorgeous, that. Like if you feel like you need to get this out of your system

and we both know, probably technically on paper, if you were giving yourself advice, you'd be like, don't do it. But if you just emotionally want to sleep with that person who is definitely going to break your heart, then do you know what, you go ahead, you do it. I'm still your friend and I'm not going to judge you for it. And we'll pick up the pieces at the end. Yeah.

Absolutely, that's such, that, that's really good. Hey, look, we found a common ground. Hey, Tati, where can people find you online, please? Oh, well, my name is Tassie MacLeod, M-A-C-L-E-O-D. You can find me on Instagram and TikTok. There are mainly the two that I use. Tati-D-M-C-T-T-T-T-T-E-U-M-Claude on Instagram. You make great videos.

People can watch them there. There's loads of content. Go watch my stories. They're French. real humiliation happens. Great. And my second question is, where can people see you at the Edinburgh Fringe? Edinburgh Fringe. I'm going to be doing the Monkey Barrel 4 at 10 past 2 in the afternoon. Heaven! I know, every day from the second to the 27th except for the 15th. And it's called Fugger! Fugger! Yay! Thank you so much for doing this! Thank you for having me! Go get your dream!

Thank you.