Trusty Hogs - Ep86. Sleep Walking, Stairwells & Shame

Episode Date: May 25, 2023

Helen is back baby!Thank you so much for listening!Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Guy Goodman / Simon Moores / Mary Fox / Annie Tonner / Sarah Jarque-Deakin / Oliver Jago / Stewart KerrPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Harald van Dijk / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Sarah & Molly / Raia Fink / Cordelia / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Graham Marsh / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Kie Web / Matt Sims / Luke Bright / Leah / Kate Spencer / Mae Williams / Tristin / Liz Fort / Taz / Klo / Becky Fox / Amie / Emily GeeWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Good eye! Good eye, Mike! Good eye! Good eye! Sorry if you've just woken up or we're trying to sleep. You just panicked Andrew in a way that I've never seen happen before. I know, but you're a bad baby. I missed you.

I'm home. I'm high. Anyone want to talk about koalas? They're not a bit. It's a marsopial. I genuinely miss you. I miss you so much. I miss you so much.

Your t-shirt is hidey is. Isn't it gorgeous? I'm wearing a red t-shirt. I bought, no, you're getting confused. It's gross, isn't big in German. It's a ladies, double XL. It is of a koala with Diamantes, and then it says Australia in Diamontes under my boobs.

It's really garring. It's gorgeous. It looks like you've just been through a divorce. It lets people know that I've travelled. It hurts my eyes, if I'm honest. I can't believe I'm back. It's a very American tourist choice, this T-shirt. Very American tourist.

I am an American tourist. Should we say what the podcast is, Where you've been, why you're back. Oh, really? Sorry. I'm rushing me, rushing me. I've just had my darling angel back to me. I haven't been in Russia.

I've been in Australia. We're off. We're taking flight. Hello and welcome to episode 86 of Trustee Hogg. The podcast, we're usually Helmbear and I talk about our lovely lives, but may I say she's been away for our own age. She's back. We're happy to talk.

We're happy to catch up. We're dying to hear about her trip to the beautiful country that is Australia. I don't know if you heard, but that's where she went. It's in Australasia. Yeah. And then. And then we're going to listen to your problems, and honestly, that's going to be a lot of day. Probably just talk about ourselves throughout it.

Yeah, exactly. Through the fog, step forth the trusty hogs. Yeah, you're going to give them your problems, and they will solve them, or maybe they won't, and that's your problem. They'll have guests, and Andrew White on the tech. Oh, it's Helen and Catherine. the trusty hugs Trust the trusty hogs Or maybe not

Helen you've been away now look May I say that? For a month I'm actually sick of this shit Because I've actually had Chloe Pets in here Telling me about their time in Australia And I'm tired of then I listen to both of those episodes

But I am, listen I am delighted to see you back Thank you But I do need to have a word Right so we No I'm going to speak now What did I do?

Because I know you're annoyed And I'm like, okay go on sorry Andrew If you could please I'd like you to now play a part of a podcast A couple of weeks ago we recorded Where I said Something to the effect of

You guys mean so much to me And I love our podcast Do you know what we should do We should all get a tattoo of a pig together Please pause Andrew will at this point play in the clip from that podcast I hope if he's able to If we got to

A thousand patrons Would you be up for a trusty hogs to tattoo? Right. Where the fuck is this coming from? There's three of us. I'm matching hogs tattoo. Does it just say hog? No, we can decide what it says, but 1,000 patrons, we can get a tattoo for three of us. Remembering that none of us have tattoos already,

so that would be our identifying marker if our bodies are found at any point. A tiny little piggy. You would be willing to have a little piggy tattooed on your wrist. You know what? Catherine will get a tattoo. No. I'm not getting a tattoo. I'm not getting a tattooed on me.

What about like a TH? Or no ink? No. A TH. Or like a, come on, guys. I'm not getting any tattoos. Hog?

Oh my God. That's worse. You're making it worse. I cannot believe that you're the one that wants to do this. I think we should get a little, well, somebody tried to design me a pig tattoo that we could all get if we get to a thousand patrons. Who is trying to design you a pig tattoo?

We might have some tattoo. Oh, you hypothetically, maybe. Are you serious? sides of you are even kind of up for this? No, no. No. Oh, well. Back to the extras. Should we leave this in the extras as it sort of. Yeah, I think leave it in the extras.

Slash it weren't only because the two of you are chicken shits. Yeah, this is going on the extras. You can't get a chicken on a pat on a little trampoline. You can't just shout. Let's put this in the main episode. It's so annoying for them to edit it. Andrew can get a ghost. Holy fucking shit.

M, good luck with that. more context to that clip. It's actually in the extras. Oh, it's fabulous. I can't be blamed for not, I've got no memory. But do clip it in. And then,

you said, I would never, I would never, I'm not getting a tattoo, I'm not getting a tattoo, I'm not getting a tattoo with you. Did I say that?

You went so hard. You were like, I'm never getting a tattoo and I'd never get a tattoo with you. Like, you were so specific. And then I opened my Instagram. Excuse me,

I'm not done talking. Then I open my Instagram. Laya, Olga Messier. you. No, I'd seen it on fucking... Oh, she messaged me before. Bullshit. We messaged you while I was on the bed.

I misremembered. I opened my phone, is my point. And there's a photo of Antipodee and Helen getting a fucking tattoo with Olga. And I think, A, incredibly hurtful. B, what the hell?

What's wrong with me that she wouldn't do with me? C, maybe. The only redeeming factor would be that it would be something that means more to her than this project we worked on for two years together. What is she getting tattooed on her ankle? Oh, just a fucking ice cream that I suggested she should have

when you go to Australia and that she doesn't even really like that much. Get to more. I like the taste. I've only had it twice though. It was a strong choice for a first tattoo. I'll give you that. Do you want to see it?

I want you to see it. I'm tattered now. I'm tetted in Australian. So I'll show it to you. You basic ass bitch getting a tattoo of an ice cream you've had one time. You're not showing you to any of the cameras.

Well, you have to face the lens. We're getting the angle right, and it's worth it. I can't twist my foot without breaking it anymore. You need to turn it around a bit more. It's of an ice cream. It's of a bite out of a golden gay sign, which... You're not even gay. Okay, but I'm friends with you.

Not me more. Not enough to have a tattoo. Honestly. Best friend, but you wouldn't get a tattoo with me, but you get a tattoo with Olga. You know what Gwyneth had the exact same reaction? She did not think it was funny either. I don't think it's funny.

You go on holiday with another ginger woman and you do the thing that you said you explicitly would not do even with me. Can you explain yourself? I honestly I don't know how to explain it Australia got into my heart No Sometimes in life Something very significant happens

And okay You know what Olga's just a great gal No Okay I just I worried that my first A two experience with you Would be so painful I wanted to make sure I got something out my system Before we get to do it together

You said you never do it Yeah okay so I fucked up Yeah I friendship fucked up Yeah yeah you hurt my feelings did you hear something okay I'm sorry I'm glad it's sore it's not so I don't even feel it actually

actually it does hurt it does yeah because I messaged you after it happens I'm sorry about what I initially said that wasn't very mature Catherine so Olga said I was like I was lying on the bed lady she just started and I went Catherine's going to kill me and I had no idea of this I completely forgot about this conversation but I just knew you were going to be pissed off I knew you could be pissed off

and Olga immediately whips out her phone and it's like Helen what are we doing say hi to Catherine and it's like Helen what are we doing say hi to Catherine and it hurts so... It's not a scratch. Have you got a tattoo? You won't know because you're not tatted.

I'm tatted, so I know. The thing is, when you're tattooed... I will kill you. You've got a twitch that's just grown above your eye. My Botox is kicking in. Can I make it clear that I went through a lot in Australia, like a lot emotionally? Finished the last sentence.

What you were going to say is that I quite unfairly, to be fair, I did immediately text you and it was like... It should be infected. I hope it gets infected. Yeah. I was unkind, Catherine. Which I probably will because it's you as well as well as it. No, it hasn't been so far.

That's shocking. The only thing I was worried about is in the flight back. I had it done like three days before. We flew back like yesterday. Oh, so you could have waited a week. And my ankles were so swollen. I was like, oh shit. No, because you need to get it in Australia because it's an Australian thing.

But now I think I'm going to be tired. So I want to get a pig with you and Andrew. No, fuck you. I was only going to do it because we were going to get our first one together. Now I have no interest. Okay, well, I can get it removed and then have another one. It's not the same. Okay, you're just angry.

Can I explain myself? Please. Australia gets into your soul. Oh my gosh. Hasn't you been to Australia before? Yeah, exactly. Did you get a tattoo when you went over there? No.

No, Catherine's not as fun as Helen. Did I get a meaningless tattoo without Helen? No, I didn't. It's not meaningless. I had an ice cream every day for three weeks. But you only had a golden gay time twice. No, but like I had it there, so it's different. Do you know what I mean?

Sorry, what? I literally had a golden gay time twice. Yes, I really fell in love with Gillato. In that same episode, I told you to have a golden gay time. I don't remember. Yeah, this is all true, Helen. And who, Paul, Helen? You are friendship whore.

Pause, Andrew, play the tape. In my defence, I don't know if that's possible. I don't know if that's possible. It's quite a tight turn and turn around for this episode, but I'll try. Thank you. It's a lot for Andrew. I stand by, play the tape. Because I turned that I always wanted to say that.

Eat a golden gay time, send me a pick. I'm going to eat a golden gay time and send her a pick. I have no memories. You piece of shit. I hate myself, but I am up for getting a pig with you. I am. You don't want it now. You're just done.

No, fuck you. Fine, but then I'm going to get us to too with Olga. Every city we go to because we're going around Europe in September. Best a look. Oh my God, you are being such a bitch. I'm not the bitchy. Andrew, tell if she'd be bitchy. I'm on side Catherine.

Because it's objectively wrong what you did. It was hurtful. Yeah, Helen fucked up, but Helen... Even Gwyneth degrees. Yeah, well, Gwyneth was hurt by it. I'll be honest with you. Whereas Francis could not believe. it because they sent me a video of them singing tattoo all the things they said like the night

before and then Francis was like can you believe it and I was like it's fucking meant to be that's insane there isn't it well if they sent it to you beforehand then yeah like it was like projecting yeah it's so cool and um so now I'm tattooed um I like Gwyneth more I met I met I meant I'm Frances's got down in my estimation um stop distracting from this I went to I went to zoo sanctuaries um did you have a good time honestly it was so good It was so good. But I wasn't know that Chloe's been like banging on about Australia. Yeah.

But like I've seen Australia. I went to Sydney and Perth. Whereas Chloe just Melbourne very different. I was in the water 24-7. Did you listen to our episodes without you? Yeah, it did. And I felt so seen because I was so nervous to message you to be like, I've spent through my per diem in the first five days.

Yeah, that's just not surprising. I did two tasting menus in Sydney. I never had a tasting menu before in my life. I was like $200 on a meal fucking worth it. Did you love it? Yeah. It was so. Okay.

rewind. I like oysters. I like scallops. Okay, well there is a... Crab. Genuinely. Okay. Helen, there's a cost of living prices and we ask people to support our Patreon. So let's just take it down. You need to support me. You must. Because I've got a taste for the finer things now. Helen. As if you can say that legitimately while you wear that

T-shirt and a fucking Disney princess. $12. $12 and free-o. Can we talk about, please? You had something a story to tell me you said. There's Anna. Yeah. And I'm nervous. I'm nervous. Go on.

Okay, I had an incident in Australia, like a really bad one. And I don't, and I was like, I don't, I honestly, I couldn't tell anyone for 24 hours. I should have, I should have, I should have gone, I should have flown home, I think. Were you in the hospital? And then, no, no, I should have gone. Were you in the police office? No, I should have been arrested, though. I should have been arrested.

What happened? I had, so sweaty. Like, have you ever had something happened to you where you're like, I have to take this to the grave? What are you talking about? Start at the beginning. Don't give the punchline away. I'll just say there is one. Oh, sweet God, okay.

I had two nights of heavy drinking, like heavy. Wait, hang on a second. Is this going to be a poo story? No. Thank God, okay. Wee-wee. Okay, so go on. So you had two nights of heavy drinking.

I went to bed in the hotel room. You did not wet yourself. I wish I just wet myself. I wish I just wet myself. I did not wet the bed. I go to bed. I can't figure out the aircon situation in the room. I thought it was a spare remote for like a TV that was hidden from me,

which I thought was funny. Right. So I'm sleeping naked, very warm. I'm very pissed. Are you alone? I'm alone. I'm alone. Okay.

I've got no idea what's happening. I wake up. Can you stop with the accent? I wake up a couple of hours later. I've got to do the accent because I've got to remove myself from it. Right. It's a trauma response. I wake up a couple of hours later.

Don't cover your mouth. We need to hear the story. It's a podcast. Naked in a stairwell I've never been to before. Pissing myself standing up. Oh my God, I'm sorry. Don't look at.

No, neither of you look at me. Neither of you look at me. Just don't look down. It's like, oh, my God. We're panicking. I was naked. I'd never been to this stairwell before. I'd been in the hotel for like two weeks.

I didn't even know there was a stairwell. I thought it was just a lift. And I came to, standing up, looking down at this puzzle growing around my doubts. Naked. Wait. So naked. A second. No key, no phone.

Okay, questions. Wait. Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. Hang on, stop. Take a breath, breathe with me. Breathe with me. You're not there anymore. Breathe with, breathe with me.

You're not there anymore. Now, hang on a second. So you are purseless, bagless, keeless. boneless, boneless, naked, stud up, weeing in a, because of course you didn't know there were stairs because you were taking the lift, that's fine, but then you don't, so you've obviously gone there drunkenly thinking

it was the bathroom in your sleep. Helen. It was four doors away from my room. Helen, what had I done? Wait a second. What time is it? It's early hours, 2 a.m. 3 a.m. I have to know, how did you get back into your room?

Oh, Catherine. Did you have to go naked? to reception. I wish I could get to reception. What are you stuck in the... What are you saying? What are you saying? What happens next?

What happens next? What happens next? I woke up pissing myself. Yeah, we got that. It took me about... I'd say probably 60 seconds to really come to and realize the reality.

Okay. And I was like, oh my fucking God. I'm disgusting. Oh my God. What have I done? I haven't walked in years. Oh, Helen. And I'm next to...

Wait, did you used to see walk as a kid? Wait, wait. Did you used to see... Yeah. Last time 31st of August 1997, we're on family holiday in Paris. I think I killed Princess Diana. It's the whole thing you know that already. And then I hadn't done it in years.

I come to in this stair while I'm pissing. I try the door next to me and it doesn't open. I stopped pissing. Sorry, Andrew. You have to understand the first people I told this story to I lied and didn't tell them about the piss. And I'm just still like, I'm still trying to be honest. You know what I mean? Okay, okay, so you're trying the doors.

He doesn't open. Wait, you're trapped? You're trapped. You're trapped. You're trapped. You're trapped. Yes, Catherine. And you think of we?

And the whole... No, God's sight dank, they had no clothes on, at least it didn't... You know, there's a puddle bullet's not on me. Anyways. Thank God I had the foresight to split my legs, do you know what I mean? Yes, there's a pissy smell. But you can't get it. Andrew, no questions at this time.

No, I would like to take it because I feel like Catherine's come with judgment, whereas Andrews have a tip... I'm coming with questions. So you say, oh, thank goodness there was no wee to fail on me. So whatever happens, when you were resolved the situation, and find a naked person and the stowa or whatever you just go oh this poll of a piss

but that wasn't me. I'm hoping I honestly Andrew I'm in a plausible deniability has the word plausible in there I'm in such a blind the plate just fell over in my panic It's so shocked I need you to

I need you to go back to facts though facts what happens next I try opening the door and the reason I probably fuck it forget about it it's not worth it you're trying the door I'm trying every single door

on every floor and none of them are opening because I couldn't even get back onto a floor and I'm there and I've definitely for some reason even though I didn't I had not been in it I knew I was in the hotel like something just told me I was like you are in the hotel but you are so naked and you have nothing I was and none of the doors would open onto the floors not one scrap of clothes not one I have two hands and I've got three bits to cover okay you're already in a tricky position but I can't even forget in the fact I need someone to help me here are you

holding you says Catherine at this point I'm just naked running around trying every door I'm I'm not screaming, I'm not shouting, I don't want to create a scene because I feel like I've already done it. Okay, so you're walking in silence, somberly to each door. I'm like trying everything. Nothing like, I go all the way down to the bottom, so I'm like, maybe there's a basement. And I'll be able to find a service list. Oh, I would have gone there to die.

And they'll be like, and I was thinking like, when I went to the hotel, there was like old towels out somewhere. I was like, if I could cover myself, everything would easier. No basement, but there is a door that opens onto the street. And I'm not staying anymore It's called the urban new town And it's a busy road Wait, wait, wait

I need to process this information Sorry, you open the door It's so simple Wait, wait, wait You open the door at 2am I'm going to shut up Are there people on the street, people milling around? No, but like I am waiting for cars to come past

And you need to get yourself from whatever exit You've come out of presumably like around the corner from the main entrance. You're going to have to walk yourself nude around that corner to the main door. It's not nude. It's naked. It's very different. So you have to walk yourself around the corner to the main doors. That was how to happen? What happens next? God sent me a sign. What happens next? God sent me a sign. There was a door to ring, a doorbell to get a night receptionist because there's no one on reception. And I can just see through it through the door. Wait a second. How many steps between the door you've just come out to the reception door? I take my naked body out the door, but I refuse to lose my last door. This is the only door that

move for me. I keep one toe in it. Cars start going past. I couldn't give a fuck. Sorry, do you have to spread your legs to get over to the... I... I lunge I... Please stop. Because you're not like... You understand I have to ask these questions. So you lunge one toe in the door.

You lunge your ass cheeks open and part as you reach for the night... Which, thank God I can reach because I'm tall, thank God. Yeah, my little tiny ass will have to be out of the door. I'm like, ring! Ring! ring does the night reception

disappear and see you no they're on the intercom I get a hello because you can remember night reception is a very specific

sort of person that does not want any human contact specifically from a massive lady who's naked and covered in he doesn't even

know about this female or male voice answers are definitely a young man he's on his summer job he's on a summer job it's his dad's he doesn't want to be there

okay he answers and says hello And I'm like, okay, I'm going to level with you. And it's this level of panic. I promise I'm staying at the hotel. I'm in room 2-2-1. I'm so naked. I've slept walked.

I say nothing about piss. You mustn't. I couldn't even fathom getting there. That's not even at the time. But I made it very clear. I'm in the stairwell. You must come get me. I am naked.

I have nothing. Like, I was hungry. Were you there? Why you there? I'm screaming in panic. What, is he understanding you as is... Oh, he is like, there's a loon on the street. And I keep saying, Helen Bauer, two, two, one.

Helen Bauer, two, one. Maybe you can check in the system. And I was like, I've sleptwalk, I've slept walked. I promise I'm not like, please help me, please help me. And then he goes, give me a second. And there's nothing. And I'm just there, like, being like, do I just stay here? Finger on the bell.

toe in the door. Cars driving by. Your ass is parting. Spreadingles like this. Like, what is... Pause, pause, pause. I need a minute. I need a second.

I'm still processing. Hold on. Hold on. I'm not ready. Hold on. Hold on. Has anyone walked by? No, just cars.

I honestly, I feel like that there is a god and I thank him every day. Okay, sorry. And you may I continue. I just need to catch my breath. Arrives a man. What?

About five foot tall. To where, to where... and I don't know why it's important it's important because he's looking up at your tits it's important hang on he arrives from which door so reception is there

there's a door that doesn't open that goes into the stairwell and the door that does open onto the street and then the doors that you can't get into reception unless you've got your key fog late in night so he comes through reception through the door that he can get through to get into the stairwell is he looking out of you before he comes out of the door

through a glass door he's gathered there's a naked girl he has not seen the full goods yet. And you've got to remember, my breasts at first are a little bit. Yeah, it's a lot. It's a lot. Now, as a petite woman, you might not have experienced this. I've experienced none of this.

You might have done living through life as a man. You know, when someone turns around and sees you, and they immediately get a bit spooked, like, they're like, oh, God, I didn't know there was like a man on the street. As a larger woman, every now and again, I do get that from other women. They're like, oh, sorry, and it's like, it's okay. They're just a bit spooked. Yeah.

very rarely, seldom does a man freak out at my body. But he came through and he went, let I say, I don't think that's even about, like, your size or height. I think that some of that has to be about the fact. He was coming up to here, and I went, Help me! And he went, oh! He doesn't even know about the piss at this point.

His night's about to get so much worse. Hang on! how many breaks are you need how many breaks are you needed so I don't think I should have done honestly can we put it in the extras

no it's too much of the episode you have to you must persist wait a wait a second wait a second I'm so sorry

I'm so sorry I'm so sorry one second one second One second One second This is not helping This is really got help

So you should help And just Help me And he goes At which point For logistics Is your toe still in the door? I've joined him

I've joined him in the stairwell Which I actually think Was a fucking poor move In my point Because we should have got lifting And also how about this He should have brought a fucking towel Okay

I am so naked And I was very clear Very clear I was naked The young man, the young boy, the young boy should have brought a nice big bath sheet for big naked, poor fat Helen because she was struggling, okay? And that was his job, and he did he do it?

Did he buggerty? Now, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, please, please. Please, please. Please wait, just one second. Sorry, okay. Sorry, that's on me, that's on me Sorry, so you're stood in the, you're stood together In the, in the, in the, in the, he's recoiled

In the stairwell, what does, who speaks first? He has no chat, okay, and I need him to tell him. So this moment I'm panicking because I've got two hands and I've got three things to cover So I go for back bum and tits, fami out You went back bum and tits! I thought it'd be funny, just serve, diffuse attention What did you go with? I went with tits and fanny.

Yeah, fair, fair, fair. So, he's leading the way up the stairs? And I go, floor two, floor two. Now, at this point, I remember there's a puddle of bed somewhere. Oh, sweet Jesus. And he's not saying everything. And you know what I'm like, I have to fill every size. He's not saying anything.

No, he could have said something. He is repulsed by me. I might have still had some urine dribbling down my legs. What age is he? What age is he? I'm going to say 19. Oh, fuck. Okay, okay, fuck.

He might never have seen a woman naked before. God. Oh, I'm like this. Oh, God. We're walking up because I'm not saying anything, and I'm just like, what are you saying? What are you saying? I'm like, oh, my God, I'm asleep walking eight months.

Better happen all the time. The one thing he says is when he turns around, I go, I bet it happens all the time. And he just goes, never. Now, here's what's awful. Hang on, you can't speak because I need to drink and I will spit it out if you say anything else. Never.

Okay, so you've climbed one set of stairs, have you? And then? We need one more step of stairs. We get to my set of stairs. Have you reached the pace yet? Honestly, and this has been completely honest. We might have done, we might not have done. I was in such a panic.

Yeah. Your life's flashing before your eyes. He could have been standing in it. You're a life flashing before your eyes. Oh, my life is over at this point as far as I was. Yeah, yeah, no, for sure. And it was so weird, because you know I've never experienced shame before. Ever.

I've never seen you. So it was my first time experiencing. Oh, baby girl. That's me every single day. May I tell you, though, you're still so impressive because honestly, I'd have woken up pissing and I'd have climbed to the very top stairs. I jumped. Imagine if he slipped from the piss to knock yourself unconscious.

Oh, my God, no. Okay, so it could be worse, but it wasn't that. Okay, so you get to the second floor and then, okay, so you have to go into, now you know that when he opens the door, you're going to be going into a hall where people might be. And a part of me was just thinking, like, just give me the fucking master key. man like you can come i'll leave outside the room like or go get me a towel go get me a towel wait does he make you walk down the hall in the of the hotel luckily it was like four doors away and it was round the corner but he doesn't get you a towel then no i follow him he opens it and i just walk in like

this and nothing else has said he opens your bedroom door yeah you walk in and then what do you say oh i walk in the door closes and i just start like medea style howling like a Greek tragedy and then went straight to sleep of course you were exhausted no because part of me was convinced it was a dream. When you woke up after your weep, how did you know what it definitely happened? The shame. You know when you know.

The shame. You know when you know. I remembered the corridor very clearly. My feet were a bit damp. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't need a way. Normally I would after a night and I drink in. So can you hear to me.

Okay. I want to get to your well-being, but I just have the last logistical question. Is it ever. mentioned again by the hotel staff no but Catherine I know they all know that's almost worse

it's almost worse it's almost worse there's no way there is no way that that small team of staff do not have on an no of course somewhere there's probably cameras room 221 naked yeah there's cameras which means that the urban new town

the urban new town if anyone's listening from the urban new town we implore you to send videotapes Helen, are you walking? All you'll see is a videotape of me standing there pissing, waking up, running around screaming, like in my head, panicking, get into a front door, doing this for a while, and then being walked up the stairs

by a North child by a 19-year-old going, Oh, sweet Jesus, Helen, okay, so are you okay? No, because it keeps going, because it's like the next day, I had to find something in myself to make me leave the hotel via reception, because I'm not going in the fucking stairwell, I'm not going back in there.

If I get caught in there twice, and they all know, you know what I mean? But wait, so... I did do a little explorer in the morning of the hotel to see where my route would have been, because any of the sleepwalkers will know, obviously, like, for you guys, you're like, that's the worst thing that can happen. For me, what happened

before I got to the stairwell? Yeah. So I left my room naked. I woke up in the stairwell pissing. How many doors did I track? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What else did I do? Did I go visit someone?

Did I have a conversation with someone God fucking knows what I've done I can't have a shit outside of a room for all I know I have a question Did you... I don't want to talk about it anymore Did you take...

Who's the first person you tell? Would you arrange to have somebody meet you to go out the hotel Or do you just go out by yourself? So you leave by yourself, is it? I messaged Josh and Olga and Ray Badron

And you say what? Oh my God, Loll I've got something so funny to tell you. Yeah, classic, classic, classic, And at this point, I'd already sworn to myself that I was not pissing. I was like, there's no piss. I was just naked in the quarry. Yeah, never happened.

Yeah. And then wait a little bit. Yeah. I go and get aduminose. Yeah. Because I need to recover. Oh my God. Oh, my God.

You don't need to explain. It's cheap in Australia, as you say. You do not need to justify that. Like, I would be, I'm so impressed you left the flat. I'm so impressed you left the hotel. I'd get ad dominoes. Okay. I go back up to my room.

I am flicking over at reception. a different guy. I know they know. Yeah. But at the end of the day, it's just the body pissing in a stairwell. Do you know what I mean?

A perspective wise, we're on World War 6. It could be worse. I then half tell Josh Olga and Ray. What are you telling them? You know when you're like something happens that's so traumatic,

you give people versions of it which is basically lighting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I give them the, I work up in the stairwell and a guy had to take me back up to my room from reception which is obviously

Do you tell them you're finally naked at that point? They know I'm naked but I think the waking up pissing is tricky Were they sensitive to you? No, Olga was like You must have been looking for a toilet And it's like yeah, I was probably looking for a toilet And I was like, no I wasn't pissing, I was like

I then call my agent Breed Breed says well I'm sure you were looking for a toilet And I was like Thank you But no I did not piss And I don't want to talk about it No I didn't piss, I didn't piss actually Fuck yourself

Are you okay? And then Breed is very good She told me a couple of stories of other people sleepwalking, which made me feel better. I told Sunil who laughed, which I needed, because it's better than people. And then he rang me six hours later after telling everyone we know, everyone in a group scenario at a gig.

And apparently, oh, my God, he told all of them. He's a piece of shit. All of them. And apparently all went, oh no. Yeah, correct. That's mortifying. Okay, so other people were better than to Neil. So they all like, oh God, poor, disgusting.

Helen. No, they were just saying poor Helen. Poor Helen. She's only four. I'm only four. And I was all alone in all. I actually hate the story. I'm sorry, you told Gwyneth who found it

as funny as you. No, but it was funny and the shock of it is overwhelming. But now I'm like, I actually really truly feel for you. Also, remember this was like eight days ago now, so I have processed a bit. Eight days ago is all we're talking.

Babe, can I tell you how brave you are to be telling this story? I wouldn't tell it for 20 years. I told you. it on stage three nights after. I had to. Of course, of course, of course, of course, of course, of course, of course, you had to. You had to, in Australia?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you include the piss detail then? Yeah, fair, no, no, no. I've been honest as far as on the stage. Listen, the only, the beautiful thing about our job. I felt you wanted to know, no, no, no, no, hear me out. The most beautiful thing about our job is that this will become, it already is a set fucking piece and you had to do nothing to get it.

Well, I mean, you have to live with it, but you all, you don't have to, you know mean, we're all hoping things will happen to us. You don't want to. not to happen. No, and to be clear, I don't. But this will become a set piece. It'll be funny. It'll be beautiful. You could do some sort of awareness. It's my first campaign for sleepwalking. You're going to talk about it? Do you think I should? Well, we lost our minds, so yeah, I think of course you should. But you

do what you want to do. But wait a second, hang on. It was never acknowledged by the hotel. We left like a day after to go to Per. And how do you feel now about it? Scared it might happen again? Yeah. that is scary. I barricaded myself into my room. Bower caded. Bower caded.

Bower cated. With big suit, Kathy. And then the next couple of nights, I made Olga swear if she heard anything, she'd come and find me. But I think I just had done

two big nights in a row. And I was really burning the candle at both fans. Andrew, could you please Google adult na? For Helen, just so she has the option

if you're drinking. It's not the night. some Disney ones. No, I just, oh yes. If he's a Disney one, I'll take. But it's more that like, I don't want to wake up on the street somewhere. I don't want it to happen again.

But anywhere else to be better because even if I work up on the street, like I could be like, Sineal, let me in, like ringing the doorbell. Like, I had. That is terrified. Mickey and Minnie. I would be terrified.

I would be terrified. They're on Etsy, so I imagine they're quite customed. Oh, great. Are they sex diapers? Yeah, they are sex diapers. That's fine. That's fine. But does that mean they're, are they absorbent?

Or, like, are they practical? I don't want to talk about this. It was quite a big puzzle. Oh my God. I woke up pissing naked in a corridor. You did. Oh, God. And it's not awful that's about my whole memory of Australia now.

I went to these amazing restaurants. I went to the most gorgeous beaches in the world. I had these wildlife encounters I'd never experienced. That's more important. And I woke up piercing in a corridor and I will never know anything else. It's not your old. And to all the comedies and Perth, that's who I have. am. Oh, Big Helen who pissed yourself

waking up in a corridor. No, it's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. For me, may I say? I told the head of the festival, they're never going to admit me again. May I say, for me? The thing I remember most about your festival is the fact that you betrayed me and got a tattoo with Olga fucking cock.

So, actually, it's not about things that you couldn't control. It's about your bad choices. This is not your fault. Can you understand how everything I've done in the last eight days is a trauma response? Yeah. This is not your fault. though, genuinely. I'm going to see this tattoo in the future

and all I'll think about is five days before. What's the tattoo before? Golden Gay Time, Golden Showers. Golden Showers. Oh. Guess they're pretty fast, huh? I love you.

It's not your fault. It's not your fault. Can you ask you something else about Australia? Yes. How was the weather? Dry? Fuck you.

How was the... It was good. It's a real room. I forgot another. words. I'm so sorry. I want to. I actually truly have so much empathy for you but I can't stop. Have you ever slept walked? No. Have you ever woken up pissing? No. But I have can I...

Never! But I will say you, I'll tell you, I'll make you feel better. I'll tell you something I'll make you feel better. When I was in university I got really, really, really, really, really, really drunk. And I woke up at what baking cookies transpired to be midnight. So I'd gotten so drunk by like

6pm I'd been put to bed by my new girlfriend at the time. I'd be with her like three weeks I woke up and I was like what happened and she was like don't roll over

don't roll over I'd thrown up in her bed and she was like do you remember what we said and I was like what? Oh God I told her

I loved her I didn't and I'd puked in her bed and I woke up naked and comfort in my own sick and I was

it was hell and I remember thinking and she was so glad we said we loved each other that I was like all I can associate with this now is like the smell of people when I think of how I've told you

I love you I also feel nauseous and it was horrendous that took a lot for you to tell us that but I was 19 and it really was not yeah don't don't but there you go I was only 32

but yeah it was honestly one of the worst I did that a few times when I first started drinking because I didn't start drinking until I was 19 and then I went so hard and I'd never had it and I was such a good girl that I went way too hard and I woke up a few times having puked in

like blacked out and puked all over people's houses just awful stuff and it's why I really really really struggle with I can't drink loads now like I get so scared that I'm going to do that again on someone and it is more fun in the queue for a toilet

just straight on her back still friends now hi Phoebe if you're listening Hey, baby girl, sorry. At least she wasn't a stranger, Christ. Oh, God. It's, oh, yeah. This is a shame pod now.

I think it's good for us to say these things, though. I wish I hadn't told my story. So I think, given I'm already regretting, telling that story. I'm so brave of you for, I think it's so brave of you to have told that story. I think it's good for us to do that. I have so much regret, even just having admitted that, that I can't imagine what it must be like. So fresh.

And then going on, but I'm telling you my relationship with shame is so off, that I was like, this is awful, but I need to tell her on today. Oh no I think that's fair I think I did lie for two days though I told people like a very specific thing that I would That's fine I think that I would have lied for years I would have lied for years Years but also may I say this

Yeah The things the thing is shame is really powerful And it really really makes you hate yourself And it's actually ridiculous Because everybody makes mistakes And this wasn't a mistake You didn't have any control over this Let's just be very clear about that

But also Also give for Helen for finding a corridor to piss in Like sleeping Helen Instead of just doing outside of someone one's room. Or going on the street. But listen to me, listen to me. What I found is that shame, I had loads of it, I still have loads of it, but had loads

of it was like debilitating for me until I found stand-up comedy. And now stand-up comedy is a place where I take what usually I would have maybe be like, you should, you deserve to die, you're a piece of shit. Some, like, oh, there's like, re-re dark room that I used to live in with it. No, but I do. That's how I experience

shame, like real dark, darkness. Now comedy offers this like little window in the corner of the room that goes like, but could it be funny? And I can clamour out of that. And I get what you're saying, because you puked in a bed. Oh, no, no, no, no, there's so many things.

Sorry, for me, there's like, my whole life is full of shame. But what I'm saying to is that when you... One more. Oh, but the thing, no, but the thing is for me, like, every conversation I have, I'll come away with being, like, covered in shame. No. Oh, but, like, so you know, I filmed a really important television show.

Yeah. Okay, that will come out at some point. Which is so unknown because I want to talk about it. She's told me all about it. It's not taskmaster, call your jets, but, oh my God. I wish it was. I can't wait for taskmaster. I hope I get to do it. I'm not. I decided to say it. I hope we are. I'd be so happy for you. What's so cool. I was so happy for you. What nice feeling. What a nice feeling. I desperately want us both to do it, of course. But I was

filming this TV show and my brain is so cruel sometimes. There were mirrors all over this room that I was doing this TV show in that I can't talk about that I've still told just enough too much about. Anyway, the point is I filmed what should have been a great TV show that I felt like, wow, that was such a cool thing. And I woke up, well, I didn't even woke up, I went home and wept all night about how I've done all the reading. I am a petite woman. That is not a feeling. Let me be very clear about this. Yeah, because it's, because how dare I say this to you in a way? But like, I've done all the reading. I know the feminism. I know the academia, all of that. But I just had one of those days. I was the first day on my period and I just felt gross. And even

though like I'm a very privileged woman I want to be very clear I know that but I felt I could not my brain was going two places I should have been doing the work and one part of my brain was going you're fucking disgusting and the other part of my brain was going you're a bad feminist for thinking you're fucking disgusting oh my god you can't win and I went home and just wept wept and I was like well this is crazy but my that's my my brain operates it's like a shame spy oh my god I'm so glad you did not wake up in the corridor pissing itself I my point is I just I just about the climbing up to the top of the stairs but I don't know that I'm joking. I don't know if you'd be able to

ring the bell on the street. I honestly don't know. I don't know either. I think I would just live in the corridor. What would you have done? Just like you would have just accepted it? I think I'd be a stair person now. I think I'd live in the stairs. I'd live in the stairs. I'd grow my hair till till I could wrap it around the stairs. I'd live in this. I'd live in the, I'd eat the paint off the floor. I'd be a difference between a riddler and a puzzler and Bohart.

Yeah, I'm a stair dweller and that's not right. I would be, I would just live, I'd like try to heat myself with the wee. I'd be like, I'd be trying to create a filtration system through my hair from my, turn my wee into water. Like that would be my life. Washing your hair as your concern when you become a star person? No, no, I'd be filtering it so like,

re-drink the piss. Like I'd be like, I'd be a stair-dwellie. You did so well. I'm so proud of you. Andrew, please tell us you've got a shame story. No, I've lived your pretty perfect life too much. Oh, you're such a gun. No, I'll tell you a shame story.

Remember all those times you got ghosted? Play the tape! No, I'll tell you the same story. In terms of sleeping, I'm not too bad. I'm quite a sleep talker and Reester sometimes abused that. He'll be like, can I use your card for an Amazon thing? And I'm sleepily, I'll be like, eh, yeah. No!

Oh my God, that is so far. That's fun. That feels manipulative and toxic, but we don't like that. He always pays me back. It's not like he's actually taking money from me. Okay. Just a sentence you don't want to have to say on a podcast. It's not like my boyfriend's really stealing from me.

It's not like he's stealing from me. No, the earth shame story And I was fully conscious for this There's no excuses or anything Anything to hide behind I was going to a friend's birthday party And he lived in a village It was basically just like a mile long road

The village was all along this road Oh my god, that's like whenever I grew And yeah, it was a sort of like parochial kind of haven And I didn't know where to get off the bus And one of my friends was also on the bus And I said oh can you tell me when we get to this town Yeah And he said oh yeah sure

And he's like oh we're here now And I got off but I got off the wrong end of the village which wouldn't be an issue except I'd just had a cab and I really needed a shit oh God oh Andrew I don't want to hear this story

I need to hear it this is for Helen it's healing do you want to go into a like a mine palace put a headphones then can you do it in the extras because I have to go early today

do you want to tell this same story in the extra yeah you tell me in the extras and then we'll do the poo ones because I've actually got a poo one as well oh my god sign up for the extra side up for the extra

sign up for the extra to hear you're both Sign up for the extras who both show ourselves. I once did, this is another piss one. Hang on, hang on, hang on, no, no, no, no. Wait, no, because, no, we need to actually turn the note. Listen, look at me, look at me. No, I don't deserve further punishment.

Okay, I'm actually enjoying it, no, no, you don't. You don't deserve it. So, pause. Yeah. Tell me three of your, the three best things you did in, in Australia. Olga, Ray and Josh. No, you did them all? Yeah.

Who was best? My, fuck. Who was best? No. Cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, Yeah, that's not surprising. But seriously, tell me the three best things you did. Honestly?

Yeah. I got to see some cousins who I haven't seen in years. And like, how? Spend time with them and that was just like so lush. Because it's like, when would I ever be there to be able to do that, you know? Gorgeous. What about the night you sent me that emotional, lovely voice note? That's my next one.

Go on. It was like, so obviously like going to a new country you stand up is a bit intimidating because you're like, oh, I hope that they get me all my references. are okay, blah, blah. Like, the gigs were great. Like, not that I was, they had, they were good, you know? Like, the gigs were lovely, and I did well.

And then I had my three solo shows in Sydney, which obviously is a bit like, oh God, who the fuck's gonna come? I know. I would be worried, yeah. Like, this is so, like, because you did this in Melbourne, right? But you did the mix bill. Yeah, exactly.

I never had to try to sell a roommate. So it's like, oh, God, let's see how this happens. We packed it out all three nights. That's unbelievable. Hey, well done. 50, CETA. That's a minute. That's a minute.

You sold out, congratulations. But there were, like, people coming home afterwards being like, we listen to trusty hogs, like, like, like, and like, people are like, really, like, it was so, like, it was so lovely, but also like, oh my God, you really know me. Like, I'm not going to say anyone's names, because I don't think I asked if I could, but, like, um, lovely women who made me, like, a really specific fridge magnet with, like, so many, like, amazing references to stuff I love. And I was like, oh, my God, I'm fucking dying. Like, um, someone from the gigless family was there, which was amazing, like, and then just, like, doing, like, just other gigs. the mixed bills, they're in Perth even, like, I went to stage when this woman just started like fucking snorting, which I was like, so funny and amazing, but also the rest of the crowd are like, why the fuck she's snorting at the one fat woman in the group?

That's so funny. That's amazing, though. Then I met like a random guy, like, so many people where it's just sort of like, oh my fucking God, I cannot believe this is a thing. And it made me like so, like, warm and fuzzy. And the third thing, I'd say the quokas. That is a really, really, really good answer. and that's what I want you to remember about Australia.

And hey, honestly, though, to anyone listen to this episode, there's no way they're taken away that I loved meeting listeners in Australia. May I say? Can I ask something when this episode comes out on Thursday or whenever you're listening,

can you please tweet us at Trusty Hoggs? I'd love to see where people are listening. I'd love you to tweet and say, like, at Trusty Hoggs, at Catherine Bowhart, at Helen Bauer, where you're listening from, hashtag corridor hashtag international hashtag international

hashtag international corridor also this this pissing corridor story allow me to control my own narrative to not tell all your friends if they're going to come see me on stage okay let us process it as a group this week together this is just for the pig stay

don't tell people to listen just this episode of this episode only you have to put this in your show I have clearly been through a lot and I would appreciate a little bit of time to process. Andrew, once Catherine's gone in a minute we'll do the shitting ones, okay?

Yeah. Okay. Do you want to do a listener problem? I don't actually. I don't actually. I actually feel like I've been, you've been through a lot. We've been through a lot.

I feel the answer to every problem is, who cares? I pissed in a corridor. Yeah. I think like, perspective-wise, it's hard to take anybody else's problem seriously this week.

So I think it's best we don't put them in contrast to one another. And instead we just say this. Helen Bauer. I'm thrilled your home. I missed you. I missed you so much. This has been a really tough episode for me,

but I love you and I miss you. I really miss you. You are, you fulfill a place in my heart and life that nobody else does. I really miss you. You're gross, yeah. You make mistakes, sure.

But like genuinely, I don't, I realize that you're like a genuinely like a beautiful part of my life where there's just always like unconditionally. We're going to have fun. And that's so exciting. I don't like, not make my other friends sound so boring.

Yeah, That's such a sling off. Maybe cut that out. Sorry, Georgie. Wait, no, fuck. She's going to kill me! No, but I do go to her for like real chaps. And the thing is, I am, I just, I've missed you and I'm glad you're, I'm really glad we're friends.

I love you so much. I love you too. And can I say one last thing? Yeah, boy. Every single photo you put online. Is it a wank bank? Wait, in your swimsuit. I took over to Ellen's face

and was like look at how hot Helen Bauer is and then she zoomed inappropriately you are so fit tits off Annie tits we both went tits and those legs my god if you haven't taken the time to purve on Helen Bauer go on to her Instagram

and look at those holiday snaps you look fucking glorious I know what I look like naked in the scum city I look very much like a very tall chicken no no no no because I've got You got the, the...

No, no, no, no, no, no, stop it. No, no, no, no, stop it. No, the chickens are fit. No, stop. Oh my God, why... Stop it. Just listen to me. Take the compliment.

Thank you. You look fucking stunning. What are you saying about chickens? Shut up. Listen to me. Shut up, Helen, and listen to me. You look so hot in your swimsuit. Your body's insane.

Your body's insane. Your tits and legs, you look absolutely incredible. And every single time, you just look like a person who, you know when you see a woman on a beach and you're like, oh, some people belong by the sea. like you look phenomenal and I know that the world does not always appreciate

bigger bodies look at me look at me and then you have whiny little bitches like me coming and being like I feel fat on a TV show shut the fuck up listen to me

you looked incredible and I needed you to know that oh my god just throw a spoon at me yeah I don't know why I may be really uncomfortable okay sorry I'll stop objectifying you know I love you oh look a chicken

You pierced in the corridor! Oh, my wife! Don't forget to leave us a rating on Apple Podcasts. Oh, thank you. Oh, my time on to. Thank you so much to our executive producers and our producers that allow us to keep making the show and making it everything we ever dreamed it could be.

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