Trusty Hogs - Ep89. TAMSYN KELLY / Russia, Retail & Rainbows

Episode Date: June 15, 2023

Is Helen Bauer the ultimate ally? Is TK Maxx the best shop to cry in? What is the collective noun for Lesbians? All these questions and more will be tangentially discussed and ultimately unanswered in another chaotic instalment of Trusty Hogs, with this week's guest Tamsyn Kelly...FOLLOW TAMSYN: @TamsynKelly SEE TAMSYN IN EDINBURGH: 8:40pm @ Pleasance CourtyardThank you so much for listening!Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Guy Goodman / Simon Moores / Mary Fox / Annie Tonner / Sarah Jarque-Deakin / Oliver Jago / Stewart KerrPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Harald van Dijk / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Sarah & Molly / Raia Fink / Cordelia / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Graham Marsh / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Kie Web / Matt Sims / Luke Bright / Leah / Kate Spencer / Mae Williams / Tristin / Liz Fort / Taz / Klo / Becky Fox / Amie / Emily GeeWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Find what you need without dairy, gluten, nuts, or whatever you're trying to avoid. Get back to school ready at Whole Foods Market, in store and online. Hello and welcome to Trustee Hoggs. I'm Helen Bauer. And I'm Catherine Bowhart. And if you're new to our podcast,

then we should explain that here at Trusty Hogs, Helen and I tell you, frankly, too many of our secrets. Yes. And then we get a famous comedian to join us to help solve all of your problems, all of our listener problems. Yes, every new episode is out on Thursday, and if you are a new patron supporter, then you get it 24 hours early on a Wednesday, as well as an extra episode every Friday. Yes, and to be clear, if you think we tell you too much in these main episodes, let us assure you the extra episodes are where we truly overshare. Welcome to episode 8.9. It's 89. Hello and welcome.

The year is 1989. And today's episode is number 89. Okay, just one of those things are true, and that's fine. Margaret Thatcher's in the height of power, is she? Or are we on to John Major? Oh, she's a decline. Oh, Major's next year. Margaret Thatcher is in her decline,

and John Major is about to take over as the next Prime Minister of Britain. You're incorrect. He's eating a flapjack. Can we please have some goddamn professional? That's not a flapjack. That's a rip-off of a flapjack. Hello and welcome to Trustee. So I.

You're Helen Bauer. I'm Catherine Bellhart and this is our podcast where we talk about our lovely lives and we do answer your listener problems. Yes. And goodness me, what a week it's been.

I have so much to tell you. Through the fog. Step forth the trusty hogs. Yeah. You're going to give them your problems and they will solve them or maybe they won't and that's your problem.

They'll have guests and Andrew White on the table. Oh, it's Helen and Catherine as the trusty hugs. Trust the trusty hogs or maybe not. Well, that's why I did something that you usually do. I'm not upset with you, but it's just... It's weird, right?

Sometimes it feels like your personality is evolving, and I love that for you, but it just, it... Do you know what I mean? It's like me being like, oh my God, I said last night, deep cleaning my bathroom. Have you heard of scrub daddy? Like, you'd be upset. God, I'd love that. No, I did go to a musical, but I'll explain why I went to the musical.

Because of your girlfriend. Well, my girlfriend's going to perform at the next, she's in the next show at the Regents Park Open Air Theatre. Yeah, the Robin Hood show. Go see it, by the way. I'm really excited to, and I'll probably be there most evening. So please wave if you see me. She'd love if she was on stage and I was getting waves.

I'm sure of it. I'm coming with you one night, Emma. Do I have the date for that yet? We probably should do personal. I've been off the podcast. Okay, yeah. Apologies to the listener. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

sorry, women are not allowed to organise their lives in 1989. I hate you. Okay. Okay. So we're working girls. But so we went to see the, I don't think you know what that means, we went to see the show that's on now, which is once on this island. Yeah. And

it was great. I really thought, like, because the place wasn't full, and I felt like they gave it socks, like to perform to a half, because it's on Monday. Yeah, it's tough. Yeah, I felt like they really gave it socks, and we, I really enjoyed it. And I didn't know what it was about or listen i mean would i prefer they said things that they could sing sure but

like i will also say that some of them had amazing voices like astounding voices what was what's the storyline of it i think i could be wrong but is it a retelling of little mermaid no no it's a it's a broadway original musical it was a why is it an actual haishian legend i believe so yeah okay we couldn't figure out if it was based on the original but basically it is about how a girl an orphan who was found in a tree Annie? And raised, no. Jacqueline wasn't. Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, you are right. Okay, so it is based on Little Mermaid.

Okay, great. I'll just cut that out me being wrong. No, no, don't you dare. Don't you dare! Don't you dare! You're wrong. I guess I know more about musicals than Andrew now. It's actually a Bruneer original. I never knew that. I never knew that. Wow. You leave it in. You leave it in. You leave it in. You be wrong.

Enjoy your flapjack that doesn't actually count as a flapjack. Anyway, so yeah, it was like she's found in a tree, she's raised by these people and the Haitian community are very split between like incredibly wealthy elites and then everybody else who lives in quite a lot of poverty.

She's raised in poverty and then... Poor social mobility, Helen's political corner. And then a man crashes his car and he's from his car and it's from the nobility and they meet and she nurses him back to help and then she goes and follows him back to his part of the word.

world I suppose and and they fall in love but he treats her quite badly and then ultimately he marries the woman he was always betrothed to spoiler and then what happens but there's a simultaneous storyline which is that like the only reason they were managed to get together is because she negotiated with the gods the four gods of Haiti and so there's a trade off to be made where she has to choose his life or love or no she trades her life for his in the name of love and it's a Very interesting. Oh, it was a proper musical tragedy. Yeah, it's exquisite.

I love a tragic musical. Yeah, it's real good. And also, the guy who plays the God of Death has the most, like, incredible evil laugh. Like, one of those, like, ha, ha, ha, ha, but, like, really good. That's, I didn't do it service. Like, Jeremy Iron Scar level. Yes, I wish I hadn't tried because it was nowhere near the level. But, yeah, but, like, goes on for so long.

That was very good, very nice. But that was more like Christine Brinsky, and I'm talking like. Close. Okay. Well, one more, one more. All right. you're doing an impression of something you haven't even heard.

Ha! Ha! ha ha ha ha ha ha. Yeah, closer. Yeah, no, yeah. And listen, check it out. It's so good. So I really enjoyed it and made me, like, I was watching it as high dale and being like,

oh my God, I can't believe yes to do a show here. Like, this is so scary. And it's probably so legally blonde. It's got so many good memories. Yeah, I was like, oh my God. Like, she was like, I just want to go scope it out. And I was like, yeah. This is no nerve wracking.

I think, yeah, like, I just chill. Oh my God. But it's such an amazing. place to go see a show, like the way you can get food and drinks and it's outsource. I would tell you what, I did forget though, if you are going to go, and I hope you do. I love that Catherine's so new to musical theatre that she's telling us about how good the

Regents Park Open Earth in Australia. It's like, bitch, please. I was actually going to tell everyone to bring a little blanket because Granny Bohart was a little bit cold. Oh, can I also recommend Rory, Sun cream, yes. I got... And you got real bird. Yeah, I went to see a matinee of Legally Bond and got the... I remember that. You were red.

Yeah, it was bad. Come prepared for all weathers. But also, if you are under 25, you can get a breeze membership, which is one off 10 pound fee, and you can buy two 10 pound tickets for every production until your 26th birthday. Isn't that amazing?

And if you were wondering, that is Andrew. Yeah, Andrew's story doesn't really relate to us, but I do think you should do it. And also, if you're not sold, so there's a way to get cheap tickets, it's a gorgeous mind out. We're telling you that you should go to see the specifically go see the Robin Hood show.

Go see her girlfriend. Go see her. I was going to say, guess how many lesbians are in this cast? 10? 13. There's more lesbians in this crew and cast than there are people. What's the collective... Oh, they came up with some...

Like a murder of, like, or like... No, it's not a murder of prose. They came up with something, but I can't remember what... It's a dungary pocket. A dungaree of lesbian. A dungary? A kitten of lesbians? No, because kittens are already...

They've already got, like, their thing. A... A... A... A... A... do of lesbians. A Doc Martins?

A doc martin's. Maybe a shop, like a shop name would be good. Like, where do you guys shop? Where do you guys shop? Listen, go see the musical. Don't worry about it. We move on. My God.

A boots? A boot. A boot? Sorry. Boots is for straight women. As in the chemist boots. Yeah. That's for straight women. And for like the morning after.

No, it's for everyone. It's for everyone. Sorry, looking right down the lens here. Pride Month. Everyone is welcome in boots. Okay. Well, the other thing... Not while I'm in there, though.

I'm sorry to say it. By the way, I'm so self-conscious now that, because remember at the live show, people did that bingo card. Loved it. So people did a bingo card of all the things that we do very often on the podcast. And consequently, I'm so conscious that I'm now about to fall into every single trope. So I've already talked about my girlfriend.

Okay, if you mentioned Pilates, I swear to to fucking God. No, I was actually going to mention something else, which is that... The gem. No, can I finish? It's that your fucking name is Helen. My girlfriend's name is Ellen. Guess what I keep doing. Saying Helen in bed? No, not in bed. Oh, damn. Oh, wait. I actually think I know what this is going to, I'm just a guest. You know when you're like so used to being annoyed at one person that when you're

annoyed at the other person, you go, Helen, I used to do that with every single person in my life with my brother's name. As soon as I like left the family home, any guy that would annoy me even slightly, I'll be like, Ted! So whenever you get annoyed, I'm assuming you're just like, shut up. No, I don't have her to shut up, because that's something I reserved for you in this professional context. But I do, like, whenever I'm saying her name in an agitated tone, like, what should be like, Ellen, it always comes out, Helen!

But can she, like, could she hear the difference? Yes, she really can. She's like, is this about me or is this about you? And also, when I'm talking about planning things with either of you, I will say the other And it's a nightmare. So you're... Also, I was more often lately what's been happening is when I'm telling a story about Ellen, I will refer to her as Helen.

Oh, yes. Which is horribla. You both obviously feel... Horribla? Yeah, it's a nightmare to keep describing stories about my girlfriend and then using... No, this means that everyone's going to think I'm a successful actor. Are you kidding? This is great for me.

That's really kind and I think more the problem is that people think that I'm in love with you secretly. Oh, baby. We both have a little bit thing for each other. don't we definitely do we definitely do like do you know what I mean like I wanted to be like no and then I remembered how in the green room

the other night I came in you touch me see things yeah also you were wearing a delicious honeysuckle Joe Malone kind of view oh my god I was literally lying on a couch this a couple nights ago Catherine arrived and I was like look this is one of those couches where I physically cannot get up from you have to join me with the couch

or like just not see me at all she lay straight on top of me You went straight into the nape and you went, you smell gorgeous. You smelled so good. Honey suckle, Joe Malone. I'm a Joe Malone girl. It just always feels so, like, extravagant. I feel like I've messed up because apparently,

if you buy a bottle of Joe Malone in the Joe Malone shop, they will engrave it. What? For you, they will, like, customize it. That's posh. How freaking fancy is that? That's so posh. That's really fancy.

I spent 60 pounds yesterday in lush. I can't go into a lush anymore. Every time you tell me about your financial. choices, I get so anxious. Yeah, it's been a big weekend of it. Because I decided I was a gardener. Oh, God. And, um, which I think is good for me.

You stress me out someone. So I've got some flowers. Do you know it be fun to garden in? What? Your own home at some point. Oh yeah. Saving up for a deposit, obviously. Will you stop saying that sarcastically?

It's something you should try. I know, I know. I think everyone should try it. But like the reality is that there's just so much good things. to live in your life now, you know? Yeah. We don't know how long we got left on this crazy planet we call Earth.

Oh my God. Oh, no, it's so annoying. On this mad of fucking planet, we call it. And I'm going to have to be like, I told you to save. And you're going to be like, I like it here. I think that's part of the problem is I know I've got so many safety nets of friends.

Like, there's no way you're going to let sweet. No. Count me out. If I was cold on the street, even if I was like, no, I'm all right out here. You would mother me to death. You run hot. You run hot.

If you were cold and naked on the street, I just is, me a sleepwalk again. She has a hotel room. She's right. Very nice, Andrew. Very nice. Very nice.

There is. Some things about the sleepwalking incident. That was not calm. You're not still working through the whole freaking thing. No, I genuinely think I'm thriving. But, it's right. Okay, I just don't think it's possible to go into Lush and not drop that sort of money. I disagree.

Because my brother bought me the Mario Bath Bomb. Have you seen it? It's so good. Lush, the shop, has done a crossover. Everyone knows. You mean Lush. the shot. Just as international listeners.

Like happens if you're listening in Haiti. Like, do you know what lush is? Do you have lush? I don't know. I've never been. We've got some Russian listeners in Russia. Oh, well. Sorry, somebody commented to that recently.

How do you say hello? I know this. I really thought you were going to be like, support Ukraine. Oh, support Ukraine. And, um, uh, how do you say hello in Russian? How have I forgotten this? I never know. Borada.

I never know. No, what does that leave? It is, um, uh, Privet. Privet. Privet. Hi. Huh. That's nice.

And, uh, do Svodania. I'm kind of excited that we have, I hope we have homosexual Russian listeners. That'd be exciting. Don't nod if you're listening to this. Yeah, yeah, don't. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Oh, my God. Do not nod on the street. Um, do you just think I'm wild? You're so insented. I just remembered about, we just, you just heard it was us losing all of our Russian listeners. And for that, we're sorry. we're sorry

I when I went to Russia when I went to Russia I was reminded of this recently I was in an advert in Russia I was in an advert in Russia when I was 21 because I didn't cause this literally came out so randomly so I was with when I was

in Australia oh sweet Jesus we saw my friend Alice and Alice had been telling someone about being like oh Helen how do I can talk about the gym but you can talk about Australia every five seconds but then Alice told someone was like, oh, how did you know, Helen

Richard? We were like, oh, we met a college and then like, we both of us went to uni so we sort of like, we did a bit of travelling together and they were like, where do you go? And we were like, Russia. Because I organised us to go to Russia, just me and her. We went to an office, we were like 21. Went to an office in London and got visas done.

Did you pretend to be Princess Anastasia? Because that feels like you. Dah, duh. And then, went to Moscow, but I thought we would just do it on vibes. And it's really hard, like, country. You thought you would do Moscow on vibes. Well, we got the visa and then I thought we'd vibe from there.

Andrew and I looking at each other like, no homosexual has ever vibed out in Russia. Yeah, well, not homosexual. So I guess it was different for me. So I arrived there. We go to a hostel. Weird rag. I cannot.

Really fucking weird brag. Could not get around anywhere. It was so hard to figure out how the city worked. Then went to the main train station, which is like they're called the wrong name. So like in Moscow, the train station is called St. Petersburg. And you go to Moscow station in St. St. Petersburg.

So your ticket looks like it's the wrong way. It's all very cool. Everything's confusing. Yeah, that's weird. So it's all like just tricky. And then, so I managed to get us train tickets to go on a train overnight

from Moscow to St. Petersburg. I mean, we're on that. Like, we don't speak. I mean, I learned a bit of Russian before we went. Alice, nothing. You have much an unbelievable ability to learn languages. I was like, two billiette.

Is it, Pajal, Prussia. I can't remember if it's Polish or Russian. You're so good at learning languages. Thank you. Spasiba. Thank you in Russian. Oh, nice, okay. And then we got there and I was like,

oh, we need to find a hostel somewhere to sleep tonight, which you need to book in advance, I think, in Russia. They don't like people just random. Or indeed most countries, but go on. No, because I fived out India for three months when I was 18. That makes me so much. You have to like leave a cult on the run overnight. Yes, yes, for the very wealthy German women.

Yeah, not really. And once again, Dancashen to the woman who took me to a five-star resort and gave me $100 and I'm allowed to do a shower of bed with her. I appreciate you. I had to get out of the cult. I was stuck in an ashram. It was very frightening. Okay.

Your life makes me so stressed. Okay, go on. We go to this. Sorry. You're attempted de-stressing. Like, oh, I know that sounds bad, but you have to remember, I was only 18 in this situation.

I didn't know what I was doing. You just go along with him. And then we go to a McDonald's when we get in the train station. I go on the Wi-Fi and I manage to like book us a hostel for that evening. Like, just like one was like loads of dorms and stuff. That would be great. So we walked there and knocked on the door

and no one answered and rang the door by no one answered so I called the number on the thing and I was like, oh hi it's Helen and Alice we're staying at the hospital tonight and they went no you're not we're not open yet

and I was like oh we've booked it we've booked it we've got a reservation and they came down they were like we're literally not opening until the weekend and we were like oh my God this is so embarrassing

like can you do anything to help us like we didn't pay anything we just made a reservation and they were like are you English and we were like yeah and they were like we're literally opening up in like five days time. You can stay here for free

and like you can finish us helping putting stuff up and you've got to film an English advert for a hostel and we were like fucking done. And then it went on to win like the best hostel awards for years and years and years. It's cool. And I was Googling it furiously because I mean I was trying to find out our advert we did.

It's called Soul Kitchen Hostels, St. Petersburg. It's incredible. We had the whole place to ourselves. It was gorgeous. They took us out party in St. Petersburg. they like made like it was insane that's the look of that but the advert like we have to find it because it has to be so cringe yeah go on questions when you do find it can we see it okay couldn't find it

olga even tried to look for it because olga was super good at finding stuff on the internet but if anyone can please let me know were you wearing clothes I was wearing I remember wearing the lowest cut you don't need to pull down your top we get what low cut means Jesus Christ and um in it me and Alice definitely I remember this so clean. Did you guys make it out? It was the, probably, and we definitely parodied

what was a popular Halifax advert at the time. Not even like, Premier Inn. We were like on the balcony overlooking the river that goes up. Do you know the hermitage, the big palace, that gorgeous, like very famous blue palace and Russia is insane. We were just at the river from there.

And we were singing like, like 21 or whatever were like our Vogue cigarettes going like, extra. extra. I know you are more. We'll give you something extra when you are. Oh my God. That makes me feel physically sick. Oh my God, please.

But we have the best time. If we have any internet deep divers on the podcast or who listen, please, please find it. Please let us know. Russian listeners, please let us know. I went on the Soul Kitchen Hostel YouTube page and I think it used to be on that, but it's not there anymore. That is absolutely devastating. Couldn't see it on their Facebook.

they may have taken it down. Did you pay your age to get some wiped? But if the Russian listeners could get in contact with them. I mean, if someone does find it, can you just check through it and just make sure they am clothed the entire time? Please. And looks actually 18. So actually, what I'm into says,

go to Russia, just go off vibes. You never know what could happen. Unless it's not safe to do so, in which case, don't. Hey, guys, are you ready for a guest? I'm so excited. I love the guests. Are you?

Me too. Because usually I hate our guys. Yeah, no, same. Eighty-seven out of 88. I've hated everything now. Now, Widgee's so good. Are you ready? Yes, I'm ready. Please welcome to Trustee Hogg. Thompson Kelly! Ha!

Ha! ha, ha, ha, ha. Why are you like this? Oh, hi. It's Helen Bauer, interrupting realistically myself. I'm so excited because I am going on my... second ever tour with my new show, Grand Supreme Darling Princess. I'm going all over the UK and a bit of Ireland and a bit of Europe. So please come and see me all the dates are on my website. I'm going to Oxford. I'm going to pool. I'm going to Paris. I'm going to Cork. I'm going to Dublin. I'm going to Belfast. I'm going to Edinburgh. I'm going to Glasgow. I'm going to

Aldershaw. So please come and join me if I'm in a town near you. Can't wait to see you soon. Bye. Five for eight. I'm not sure. Girls, to stop prowing. Can I say one more thing? We are starting the episode now. Okay, welcome Towns and Kelly. Yay!

Five eight is tall for a girl. Five eight is not tall. It is not tall. How tall are you, Catherine? Five five. She's a mini, mini baby. Yeah, but she's got like the malnutrition from years of colonialism

so I don't even want to get involved in that sort of shortness. You get involved in it all the time when you want to be jokes about it. Okay, sorry. I'm sorry. Tamsen say sorry. Sorry. No, here's the thing.

I believe neither of you. I do consider myself a feminist. Do you? At all one. I'm surprised to find that. There's a couple of things I think as women we've just got really wrong. Like, you know, I'm like still pissed off

about the fact that we got so close to equal pay and then we got distracted by free the nipple, which just felt like... I'm not happy that dick picks are gone. Just send them over. don't mind. Right? Please I'll get that on our podcast.

You're going to get some unfortunate dick. You know, I still never received a dick. Honestly, I've got time for it. I've got that not going on. No shade to our hogs, but don't send your dick to Tamplin. Please send me a day. Send every dick to Tamplin. Andrew, do one now.

Andrew, do one now. Do one now. I don't want them. I've already got it. He airdroft. Right. Here's my problem with women who are five foot. A, referring to themselves as talk. She is tall.

Okay, can I speak my truth though? May I? Has if you ever been stopped to see, how are we going to stop you? You must see some... Yeah, I'll physically destroy the pair of you. So there's this wave happening at the moment where brides are all trying to be like,

you're different and unique. And the way they're doing that is by... Why are you so on top of bridal training? You're not even in a relationship. Honestly, it sounds like this really... We've just got onto this, but it does sound like a you problem. Like, really.

Thank you. Thank you. Who's this on top of? a bridal stuff. Not allowed tools, not allowed brides. What are the women? It's brides who are trying to be quirky and different.

And I do not approve of high heels full stuff. I think they're in comfy and I don't want to wear them. Here's my problem. When women are five for eight and below are trying to be like different and quirky and have their bridesmaids wearing converse, I look like a fucking freak. Whereas the times before

when I'd be the tall bridesmaid in my flats and comfy and everyone else wearing heels, I look like one of the girls. Now everyone's wearing flats They come down the aisle And it's like Here comes Helen Whoa

Hang on I want They're just going along the pews I need you to hear out your logic You think you're a feminist You're anti heels because they're uncomfortable Yes But you think every woman who isn't to you

Should wear heels And be uncomfortable If they're under by bait So is that you seem more diminutive But you're a feminist Is that your logic? Yeah Okay

Tamson how the hell are you today babe? Yeah Hey it's nice just to put my heels back on. I don't mind if you do. Well, if I was said, I loved how I said 5'8 in below there. Maybe I'm 5'9.

Oh, 5'9 and above, you're welcome. You can shop in my area. I like you. You can shop in my... Five, eight is tall. You're a wild. Hey, I have a question, because before you started talking,

you said that pre-comedy, you used to be a drag king. I did do drag-king in for a bit. Yeah, I did. Oh, my God. Character comedy, then I did drag king stuff. And honestly, it's great. And the only reason

and I stopped was like, couldn't be bothered to carry costume around with me anymore. And all the other drag kings were like so immaculate. And I was just sort of like putting some eye shadow on my upper lip by the end. Like, can't do it. It's about the essence, you know? Did she go down on a chimney? What's happening? That's a wild.

My eye shadow. Well, just whatever was knocking around in my bag. I'm just not, you have to be quite organized. It turns out to be a drag king. Yeah. And I'm not. Of course. Of course.

Of course women invented a man who has to be incredibly organos. But wait, what was your drag king name? He was called Ben Dovery. Ja don't! Yeah, which what really irked me about that was like a guy I was seeing at the time came up with it and I was like,

shut up. And then I was like, oh no, that is quite good actually. And then I jumped him, never spoke to him ever again and just took the name. But it always like, every time someone's like, oh, that's a good name, I do get a little like stab in the gut of like, I didn't come up with it.

My stage name is an ex-girlfriend's grandmother's name. Yeah. What? An ex-girlfriend's grandmother's name. All variations of my name and my mother's name and every maiden name. It was all gone. And you need an individual name on, a unique name on Spotlight. Yeah.

My girlfriend at the time was like, well, my grandmother has this cool surname. And I was like, I'll take it. And then we did break up fairly soon after and I guess it sense. She wish she hadn't given it to me, which makes sense. How did you feel about that now? Oh, it's, I stressed when people ask me where it's from. Like, when I'm, it always happens that a new girlfriend's, like friends will find out it's not my real name.

And I'm like, why is it from? And you're like, um, don't worry about it. Don't even worry about it. Just, I'm just like, yeah. Yeah, it's just like my, don't, I just, a workshop. You guys totally go forward in life lying about this. Honestly, I think you need to create a new story and you need to create a story. Bend over, bend over.

Yeah. Like, you were just like, you were, walking down the street, you bent over and you felt an ovary pop out of your pocket. Like a plastic one you were carrying with you for like, because you were teaching PSHE and that's how you came up with it. And that's just your story, right? I love I've got that vibe. Like, yeah, obviously I was teaching PhD.

You're wearing your glasses on a chain. Of course, you have that vibe. Come on. She teaches, but it's not like a real subject. Yeah, but I'm like a cool teacher. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, thank you.

Yeah. Just dropping ovaries everywhere I go. Yeah. That'd be so fun. It'd be so fun. would be a really intense geography teacher that had everyone in the class fanciing you. I think I'd be an English teacher

and a history teacher. English and history. No geography. I really got, I thought geography really if I was going to teach a science I would teach a real one. I said what I said. I said what I said. I teach drama.

Would you? I thought you should, I could see you as PE. Is that because you're picturing Miss Trungeball. No, that's because that's how it feels. Did she teach P.E? Miss Chantzbo taught P. I thought she was just into sport. She was the headmistress,

but she was the physical ed teacher as well. Yeah, she was a previous discus champion. No, I was thinking like my P.E. teachers at school, I could just, and I just think you'd be good. We were actually a sports academy, Helen, before you got that. Wait, the Pee teachers in Cornwall are all six foot one with massive wabs.

Yeah. They all play rugby. They're all crushing it. What was your sports? board in your sports academy? My sport, and I was actually sports captain in year seven. Year seven doesn't count.

Do you just have to brag here? Because look at where you are. No one's impressed by being sports captain here. In year seven. Which was before like our personalities had it developed and I never got it again. But I played hockey. I was sent forward. Wait a second.

Hang on. I just got to, can I just check in? Not trying to out to anybody, but you'll have to answer this question. But drag king, hockey. Please tell me you're at least bisexual. Sure. Yeah, I mean, definitely not completely straight. Okay, thank God. Thank God. Because you understand that your nails. Could you show your nails to the camera are confusing?

Whoa. Okay, they're long. Power fans. For anyone who's just listening and they're gorgeous. So does that mean that you couldn't be with a woman tonight? Oh, you can, of course. Okay, so what's... Just there are other ways. But there are other ways, but I wouldn't be like jumping for penetration with those.

Some mouth stuff. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it. I get it. Sorry, did you just... I feel like we're in the staff room. Yeah, you just pat it down on the shoulder. Like, yeah, I've met a lesbian before, yeah.

I understand and I approve of what you girls do. Enjoy yourselves. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy yourself. I feel so accepted. What is wrong with you? Well, the beauty to exempts you. That's pretty high brave. I'm trying to not be too much of an ally at the moment.

Okay. Because I think I can't believe that came out wrong. It's pride month, Helen. I don't. That's amazing. There's too much of it around. right now that's yeah so have all of your algorithms gone like pride crazy and like all of the adverts you get are like pride yeah no mine are so then are entirely Pilates focused oh you're really in face on

you I really am I really we can't convert anymore yeah she gets it yeah so many videos of allies taking it too far and being too annoying and I was like right so I just need to like so I took the rainbows out of everything I own. How did you do? I had, I had, um, three rainbows in my Instagram and Twitter bio. And I, and I, and they weren't for like, um, they weren't to try and indicate that I was gay. They were MHS rainbows, that I was like, oh, other people are using it for that. And I look like I'm appropriate in the culture.

So I'll just use hearts. So you changed, you swapped them out where pride. You were like, no. Yeah, because someone said it was like appropriation. Of like, trying to be like, I'm, I'm, I'm, Andrew, do you want to take this or should I? I'm tired. I'm so tired. Because people are making videos being like, these damn allies.

And I don't want to be a damn ally. I want to be an ally. You know? Like, I get your girls. You do whatever you want, but also like... Can you stop touching Tams and shoulders? I'm like, believe you've got. Every time you get nervous about the gay.

I'm becoming like more and more by as the show goes on. And that's good ally shit, right? It is actually. Like, you've got a point. I'm really making me feel straighter, I'll be honest. Give me the rainbows from her bio and I'm going to put them in mine. I think you should put the rainbows in your point. Andrew, what did I do wrong now?

You can show the Pride flag as a support for Pride and for LGBT people without identifying as LGBT yourself. But then how do I do it and not have people think that I'm trying to sort of like jump on a bandwagon instead of just being like supported? I guess it's whether or not you think pride is a bandwagon. I don't think it's a bandwagon. Great, then you're fine. They weren't there for Pride month.

They've just been there for like two years. Because I like rainbows Then no Then no You can't have them Just because you like rainbows Sorry pick aside NHS or us

The natural enemies Wait are the gays in the NHS And five Oh right okay Come on Where do you think male nurses come from Get a grip We should start that now though

That like that is a thing A little turf war Yeah yeah No there is a turf war That's more serious at the minute Actually it can't be that Okay I'll get to it I'll change it back

By the time you're listening to this, you'll go on to my Twitter bio and it'll be like just rainbows and then just my bra size as well because that's the only other thing I put down there. Okay, well... I love how you were more worried about, more than the opinion of anyone in this room, you're more worried about someone who might stumble upon your Twitter bio and be like, oh, she's one of them bandwagoners. She's gay.

I genuinely think I fear the unknown more than people who are right in front of me. You know, it's more likely that people would think you were gay than that you were like on a pride band. Yeah, but everyone already thinks I'm gay because I think you tell people I'm gay. No one thinks you're gay. No. You're the straightest woman who's ever existed. Milo McCabe, Troy Hawke, thought I was gay.

He thought... Was the in character when he said. He spent five days with me, me and my friend Francis on like a comedy trip. And at the end of it, when you're with France... Tell us about how you and Francis Merger. And then apparently once we left, he said to the whole group, like, aren't they a lovely couple? And everyone was like, I don't think they're a couple.

I think they're just very tactile with each other. Okay, well, first of them... After five days. Five days, and he was committed the entire time because we in France were just like, hands everywhere, like platter each other's hair. That, of course, is what Myeloma Hay thinks lesbians do. Of course, we have to have him on to defend himself,

but it's so funny that he thinks we plait each other's hair. That's so funny. Like, what else for those gals get up to? We were over the moon. Also quite funny that, to be fair, If you bring a bisexual everywhere with you, it's going to get confusing. But also you and Francis would be a gorgeous couple. Thank you so much.

I ship that. I don't think their boyfriend, Jack, would think that. Hi, Jackie. And I say, bye, Jackie. Tamson, you're doing an Edinburgh show. Yeah. What's it called? It's called Tamson Kelly, crying in TK. Max.

We've all been there. The first time I saw that, I messaged you immediately. Because, you know, when you see a title, of a show and you're like, I get it. I literally, I can see the show, I can feel the vibe and I can also see the girlies that are coming. Can I tell you about the last time I cried in TK. Mike's?

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estimates, and read reviews all on the app download today obviously I do it's obviously because I made a mistake were the candles out of order no but it is a candle related story I knew it I knew it okay so every Christmas TK Max gets a bigger

it seems to get bigger every year version of one of my favorite Christmas candles called Forest Pine comes in a green glass yard do we know it? Yes you do okay great you're with me you're there you're there you're with me okay fabulous thank you for being there thank you for being there okay so I'm there I'm stood in front of it

I pick it up and I'm already holding like approximately 17 pairs of trousers that I intend to try on and I do none of which I will fit and I'll stop at the fourth one and then be like absolutely not

but the point is I was optimistic No I was going to get to a cry in the changing room but before that sadly I picked up this giant forest pine and I thought yeah I'll have a bit of that and I did then immediately drop it

and it's smashed obviously into what felt like like a million pieces like truly a million pieces but I I okay I want to stress it was December you know you're already stressed about Christmas like every the gigs are there's so many gigs in Chris occurring Christmas time I was trying to buy I like was already over shopped and I just was like this is hell it's hell so I immediately start to weep I I'm not proud of what I did next which is quietly tiptoe with making a lot of crunches

obviously like crunched toe towards the because the candles in the shoes are in the same area dropped the 17 trousers just like in an aisle in the shoes section and honestly I just wept and walked out I left it all I didn't paper the candle I didn't try on the trousers didn't tell anyone I didn't tell anyone no one stopped me I'm not sure if they saw and just noticed how much I was weeping

and we're like we're gonna let it slide I feel awful about it I haven't returned to the same TK Max I feel so bad about you mustn't your pictures up behind A 17-year-old going to have to do all of that. That probably must happen all the time, though. They probably have a code for it. Oh, it's code seven, Christmas code seven. You know?

So I do be like some 17-year-olds had to deal with that, and I've just walked out there, and I feel so bad about it. You should because it's not like TK. Max don't provide cleaning materials for everyone to use as well. Like, you're like, you're in the shoes, you're in the Christmas section. Like, how close are you to the cleaning? Very close. There'll be so many different dustpan and brushes to you. It's unforgivable, really what I did.

Right, which one was, should we go in together. Should we march Catherine in together and be like, Our daughter's got something to confess. It was Kilburn High Road two years ago and I feel so bad about it. I feel so bad. I honestly get the shivers every time I go past there.

You know when you're like, oh God, I'm so sorry. I once vomited in an aisle of Sainsbury's and didn't say anything, so I get it. Wait, that is way worse. What? Do you think that's worse? Yeah, it's just a bit of bum.

Yeah, I think it's worse. No one's dying. Like, happened to the child ate some of that glass. No, fair, fair. I would rather see pop the glass, yeah. I've had to clean vomit because I used to work in a cinema and it's so hard to clean up. No, that's, but on the aisle of a supermarket, I think, it's probably not.

Also, it was mainly liquid. It was a liquidy one. And I always feel, I always feel really sorry for someone when they've been sick publicly. I'm like, oh God, that's horrible. No, somebody vomits the food. That's a no from me. It was the, um, yogurt and dairy aisle.

It was the dairy aisle. Yeah, that is, that is the worst. What? Every time I think I'm going to be, I mean, tell a story where I send the words and then I remember, I co-host with Helen. What's the worst thing you've done? Whatever. In a shop.

Oh, in a shop. Apart from stealing. I don't know. Yeah, I do like shop. I do like shoplifting. What? Yeah, I do love a bit of stealing. Good for you, from big organization.

Mostly Oliver bonus, because I just think, well, go away. Yeah, fair enough. But why I cried, I just went into TK. Max when I was, actually, and it is a stressful shop. It's a very stressful shop. And I was stressed when I went in there. And I looked around and I was actually like, oh God, this shop's a mess. But it's not as much as a mess as my life.

No! No! You can't get metaphorical in the TK. Max, you moron. No. No. No. No. I'm like, no, our IP label was going to change that.

Oh, my God. Yeah, it was, it was bad. Yeah, I was just having a really rough time. I can only imagine how rough it would have to be for that to be. Because, like, that place is a heart mess. Yeah, exactly. And also, our, it was a hard mess. And also out of all the shops on the British High Street

to cry in. Well, I want to... Like, this is why it's such a specific cry, but I would say, like... It's a chaos cry. I'd say a bookshop is a great place to cry. But that's a moody cry. That's a moody somber cry.

We're talking chaos cry. I think that's what TK. Okay, then, yeah. You know, you can sort of disappear, can't you into a TK. Max? Yeah. What nook did you go to? The blanket.

Like home we're into the bush? Yeah. No, I think, I was like, I was trying to buy a pair of tights as well and I was like, these are too expensive. They are expensive. And they always ripped. Well, exactly.

And I just expected more from TK. Yeah, you shouldn't be priced at TK. Mac. Right, that's a low point. Yeah. Yeah, and I just, I just was like wondering and was just like, yeah, I had a cry. I didn't even go in the change room or anything. And I just stood there.

Yeah, and I just sort of threw the tights down. I don't even have the, I would never steal from that shop. That's just one of the shops I've got too much respect for. Like, it's really conflicting views about the shop. It's a mess, but I also respect it as a high street chain. Oh, that's really actually sweet. Well, I've changed, I've got this in the name of my show, you know. I'm wearing an orange dress in the poster, you know.

It's a collaborator, sure, it's a sure. It's a real tribute. An inspiration, it sounds like your muse, even. Yeah, yeah. It's been a real friend to me, the past. Yeah, I guess that I really do. I mean, a friend where you're like, if my life's ever as bad as hers, I will die, but yeah.

Yeah, yeah. It's the best one of those friends. Don't look at Helen when you say. You're like, yeah. I'm happy to be that person for everyone. I'll give this to TK. Mack. It's a good shop to kill Tyman. Like, you know, when you're like,

gonna wait for a gig and like there's nothing to do and you're just sort of like, TK Max will fill as much time as I need it to. You can pick up a lot of things and put down a lot of things. Oh, so many. The candles alone, you can just go smelling crazy. And also because I'm not, you know, a clots. I would never drop one.

I would never, I would never clotsy Catherine. It was a slippy pair of tears who's leaning against. Oh, look, it was hell. If she did, I think she'd probably tell someone. Did you tell someone when you were sick? Oh. I was, I was, I was so hung over. It was my first day at a new job at a cafe in Ballet I used to work at.

It was my first day then. I was like, I was so hung over. I was like, I'm going to walk early towards it. First day at work. You puked on your way to work. My first day. Oh my first day. Which is a terrible choice.

Do not drink heavily the night before your first day and you're a new job. Nobody else needs that PSO. Because I was like... Obviously. Just FYI. Just get a bit of advice, guys. Would you relate to a more in-depth video

underneath why you... If you want your clothes to be clean, you're going to have to wash those. You do. You do. You must. If you're going to have like a face-based interview, you should think about brushing your teeth. Yeah.

Lightman! Oh, fuck! Just give that, right? Stop, thank you, even, even. So, but I was like, oh, I'll leave early and I'll have a plain bread roll because, like, you know, when you can feel, like, the acid of alcohol

in your body, like, sloshing around? No. Like, you sort of feel like, you know, there's toys at museums where you hold on to them water snakes and they just, like, fall through. That's what I was. And someone trying to hug me, I'd be like, ooh. So, I was like, I put a bread roll in me,

but as I was walking through the yoguron in Darien. You mean you'll eat a brother. Oh, and then obviously like went straight to the cafe and I sort of arrived and I was like, oh God.

And my friend Alice who does know this story but she's the manager or she was the manager of it and I was like, oh I don't I think I've got flu don't feel very well just don't feel very well

and I just kept mentioning it and she's the first day she was like, show me all the Kish's and she's like and this is Emman Thar and this is Pecorino there's like a cheese counter She's like, do you know how to use the big cheese slice machine?

I was like, and then I exploded everywhere in the bathroom, luckily. But it's one bathroom for staff and customers. And they sent me home. And apparently they were all like, that poor girl. How embarrassing. Her first day. How embarrassing.

And then I didn't admit it if I told like Francis who worked there. This is like when I was like 21. And Francis was like never tell anyone. You got away with it. I got away with it. I got away. When Alice, when I told her like, I think it was like a year later, we would. drunk and I was still working there

and she was like I don't think that's funny and I was like yeah I'm crazy and you were getting drunk again and you were like yeah do you want to run the trial shift again tomorrow and see how we get on

I'll redeem myself Jesus did you go somewhere else to buy a bread roll if I was going to a cafe I'll just pick up a bread roll that I do it's wild I got one it was like 630 a.m. It was like empty

right like Okay, so what you're saying is when you left and they were like, who puked? They were like, I guess it was that only girl. Here's the bread roll girl. I guess it was the only customer we've had so far. Can we also just say, like,

if you are feeling sick and you go in the supermarket, dogged and dairy is not an aisle to walk down. Because you think about curdling too much. Andrew, Andrew, it's time for a listener problem. Tamson, what kind of advice giver are you? Oh, bad. Why? I don't know.

I just, I don't know. I don't know why I'm bad. I do have younger siblings. They're not doing great. How can they do great? Their big sister is just crying in a TK. Max because you're having an existential crisis about fights. None of the Kelly's are thriving.

All right. Okay. It's true. My youngest brother works part-time in co-op, but he acts like he's like CEO of co-op. He's just like never got any time to speak to us. And it's like, what are you doing? I'm actually obsessed with that.

as a personality, like, sorry, I have got a shift in four hours, so I'm not going to be able to put that in. My best little sister just had a video interview for the local Liddle, where she lives, and she panicked to the end of it, and she went, I just love Liddle. And we were like, you've definitely got it then, you definitely got it, and then she got a rejection through. Oh, no. I have to go, I just love Liddle.

They're like, can we let the crazy Liddle working Liddle? It doesn't seem right. She's too little focused. Oh my god, I love the idea. He's like, I just love Liddleman. Gotta take this call. Gotta take this call. It's like, Connor, why haven't you?

Like, you haven't phoned mum for three months and he's like, I'm busy. It's like, busy doing what? Stacking the shelves. Actually, in all fair, so someone's going in and puking everywhere and crying. It's a very stressful environment. Yeah, it sounds intense. I'm like. I think co-op's more low-key, though.

I reckon you get less pukers in a co-op. I would have, if it was a carp, I would have pukes in it. It wasn't a choice to do the same, Bruce. Okay, but, yeah, I see what. you mean. But you weren't in a co-op in the first race. You didn't pick the Sainsbury's, the Sainsbury's picked you. Yeah, I think co-op has more of like

no one goes to Sainsbury's just to buy their paper but people do go to the co-op just to buy the paper. It has more of a community vibe. Cooperative. Indeed. That's what I'd say a co-opter vibe. Also, he's also got the funeral care team to manage. He's got, and the blue, I heard that the blue

fronted co-ops and the green fronted co-ops are actually run as two separate businesses. You said you heard that he told you that, right? I have to do my own research He's too busy He's too busy managing it all Yeah I love the idea that your entire life

Is just talking about retail with people Co-op conversations TK Max conversation There's a TK Max kid, there's a co-op kid Do you have any other siblings? Yes, my other brother works at Top Styles So yeah We've got, we've basically got a high street covered

You really do Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah This is amazing This is like a succession, the cornering they're just like low level employees rather than like the CEOs I love it I love it out to Tamson brothers okay so you're not a great advice giver but sorry but you'll do your absolute best you'll give it socks and that's what matters go on Andrew well we have several problems would you like a boundaries problem a breakup problem a sexual intimacy problem one of those three we'll go

For boundaries break up sexual intimacy. Oh, sexual intimacy. That's what I wanted. The one with sex in it. Yes, please. I can't come unless my dog's watching. I'm just guessing. But if I'm right, I'll think.

Oh, we have done this problem before. That's a wild guess. I put a pillow in front of my dog. Do you? In front of Sophie? Because I don't want to look in at me. Why don't you just put her out of the room? Can I probably get up.

Sophie Alice Barks does quite a lappy little thing. If she'd be like outside Sophie Alice Barclis That's amazing. She'd be outside the door like, man around the tears, she'd want to come in. Just let her leave her pillow. She actually respects the pillow now. Let her hair, let her. Yeah, well, just let her out. Let her hair, let her. Just say let her hair. Yeah. Sorry, Andrew. Sorry, I feel very stressful. Go on, Andrew. This is from Jay. Hi, Jay. Hi, Jay says, hello lovely hogs, long time listener, first time caller.

Here's a... Oh, we've never had that, so excited. It's very nice. And they're a loyal patron as well. Oh my gosh, thank you, Jay. We can figure out who it is now. Yeah, we can... That's so exciting.

So here's a problem for you to put... Oh, I mean, there's 850 to go through, so good luck working out. Oh my God, that's so cool. Thank you, Patron. That is very cool. So a lovely community. Thank you because of them, a crab addiction. I really appreciate it.

Not all of your money will be going to crabs. I have to stress that, dear listener. I am a female... We have a new food addiction every single. time we talk. Okay, go on. I am. I am a female in a same sex relationship of five years. I love it. How long are your nails? Does it matter? Either way. You can do it either way. Well, maybe that's probably. Five years and it's a sexual intimacy problem. I think their nails are not really being considered. Go on. My partner and I love each other so much, but we don't have sex,

haven't for years. To put it simply, I don't think we click sexually. When we first met the sex was great, but after a few months, things got hard, which was obviously great in a straight relationship, but not. Your click can get hard, Andrew Clicking Oh yes, I've heard that, yeah Yeah What do you mean, can they?

You have one I know, as it got hard I don't know I'll take them off It will have It will have, yeah It's like a penis Like all the blood goes there

I probably just not thinking about that At the time I suppose that's what it is Yeah Right Even when you're just playing around With yourself As a teenager

Trying to figure out of work I'm more worried about If the dogs watch him Yeah, fair enough Sophie's an old dog Go on Different sex drives and no communication is what Jay says.

I don't think she was feeling fulfilled, but all she would say when I tried to talk about it was that I would figure out how to please her. Needless to say, I didn't. Throw into the mix of my anxiety, depression, and history of using sex as a form of self-harm, we're now five years in and have absolutely no sexual relationship.

It's been years, and I just don't know how to even begin to broach this subject. I personally don't need a wild and crazy sex life, but some intimacy would be nice. Yeah. Any solutions, problems, thoughts help. I actually have the solution.

Okay, Helen and please You have all that experience from being in a relationship I've never had a relationship As we know But I have watched a lot of films Okay, well then hey, we're good to go And they're always displaying Lesbian couples who are having difficulty

In sexual relationships Okay, so not a lesbian couple Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones But in this film They haven't had sex in a long time Name the film film film film Okay, it's complicated Steve Carell plays a sex therapist

and I hardly recommend it. Okay, go on. So what they do, is it not? It's complicated? Is it not now? I don't think so. I thought it was Alec Baldwin.

Okay, it's not Alec Baldwin. Maybe I'm thinking of the wrong film. I don't think it's called it's complicated. Okay, Andrew, Merrill Street, Marriage Problem film. I'd like advice from the made-up film. It's not a made-up film. Okay, I've just made it got a little bit lost. And quite frankly, I think it's astonishing that Catherine is correcting me,

seeing as any time she tries to name any actor, she turns into a 60-year-old going like, Uh, you know your man from Dawan. What one? Go on, Andrew. Hope Springs. Hope Springs close enough. Thank you.

Okay, go on. In the same world, isn't it? Yeah. Okay. Go on. And basically, I'm just going to tell you what Steve Carell tells him. They've got to spend a lot of money to travel up to Massachusetts. And I don't think Steve, he doesn't do it full time.

It's like, he's acting. He's pretending to it. He's pretending. No, I don't think he is. I think he's doing the role for much. It's the whole thing. Okay. Anyway. And basically, they, don't be nasty, Catherine.

They, they don't know. even share a bed this couple. Okay. Now what they have to do is they have to do the first night five minutes holding each other. Okay. So you've been five minutes holding each other. And the next night you have to like say things that like turn you on about the other person. Then the next night you need Tommy Lee Jones to book a restaurant and a hotel that's connected. And then you have to like nearly have sex. But like just basically one of you can't get hard or one of you decides to back out at the last minute and then the next night

it just happens hello hello just silence something to think about and then at the end of the film they're just they're back in their house and you think oh no it's gone back to how it is

before but um he leaves to go to work and then he comes like in and grabs her and kissed her and slaps her on the ass you know Meryl Street just loves her that she's sort of gal she is in the film yeah okay and um jay you're welcome well there's something there. You know, I actually do think there's something there. I think the problem is that

it presumes lesbian relationships don't already involve holding each other and telling each other what you care about in the other person or that we also don't make a huge effort for a romance. But I think there's something there. Okay, that felt that felt like there was a message behind what you said and I did not pick up on her. I think you're right. I think like you actually, my point is that I think what I do agree with in that sentiment is that like it's not just going to happen. You do actually have to meaningfully change your patterns and I also feel like all the clues are in the question which is like the main thing that stuck out to me is you said there's no communication like surely you have to start talking about it what do you think

well I've always saying it's good to make a bold choice if they if you're stuck in a row it's good to make a bold choice I'd be like come on then let's go get him off get the dog get the pillow we're bloody going that's your bold choice Get them all. Well, I don't know. That's the attitude I'd go into my bold choice with. I'm like, let's go. And then I don't know.

I'd just try and do something really out of the ordinary. You've got to like do something that you wouldn't normally do. Like role play, like costumes. Or yeah, or maybe just get out, go somewhere else, you know. Or like go somewhere romantic. Like the beach is pretty horny. Like, you know. You've got to build it.

You've got to build it, haven't you? You can't just got to build it. If you build it. they will come Oh, nice May I say I think that there is a point at which like

I do think you need to talk about it not I think so for me there's two times you shouldn't talk about things in the heat of the moment I think when you've just tried to have sex you shouldn't talk about how you're not able to have sex and when you've just in your inner row I don't think you should talk about how you row

I think you should talk about both when you're not trying to do either so when you're not in the middle of a row you should talk about how you communicate and rouse. I think that's when you're like better able to change those behaviours. And in the same way that I think like when you're not in bed or like one of you hasn't just asked for sex, I think that's when you should talk about why you're not having sex. But mainly I think that like a lot of the time the problem with conversations around not having sex is that like they're really tense. And I think like then the sex becomes tense and all the stress around it becomes tense.

And it's just not sexy. And I think like the thing you have to remember is what is fun about the start of a relationship is that. but like you don't know where the person has to be the next day. You don't know what they've had going on that day. You don't know how they feel about their mother this week. You just are trying to. My point is like you're not worrying about all the things that are on their plate. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're just there for a laugh and a good time and like a fun connection. So I think the more fun you can make it. So like surprise them while they sleep? That's not remotely what I was saying. No. And also you shouldn't be doing that at the start of a relationship either. Just know, just no, just hard now. I tell that one ever for that.

Oh, we're learning, aren't we? I was thinking more like, like, what is a fun night out for you guys? Bowling. Have a giggle. I think a giggle's more likely to lead a sex than like a stressful chat. Yeah, you've got to relax. That's the big thing is you've got to relax, isn't it?

And you're right. I think the conversations around are always too tense, and they don't lend themselves to actually where you want to be in order to have so much. Go through their internet search history and find out what their kink is that they've never shared with you and then recreate that for them. Just to invade their privacy. and you're well on your way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. See what they haven't deleted. Have to look at their bank account. See what's going on in their... Get on their incognito mode if you can. Like surprise them when they're clearly mid-wank and then just like see it and then be like, that's what I'm doing then, you know?

Can I also say there's something in the message that's like I don't even need it to be like a wild fun sex life but just some intimacy. It's like... I think I'm maybe like speaking to me because I've been there. But like when you're in a relationship, for a long time where there isn't sexual intimacy I think you have to tell yourself a lot of

things if you're a person who's usually sexual and wants sex you have to kind of do a lot of like well we have this trade off and we have that trade off and look obviously sexual relationships are going to change and morph and be sometimes more active and not in long-term relationships but I think it's okay to be like I would like sex and I and it's an important part of our relationship and if you want to work on it's amazing let's work on it to get a as a team but if you don't want to work on it it's a legitimate thing for me to want from you and doesn't diminish my love for you but it's still like a thing that a person might need in a relationship and you're not definitely a grown-up chat about like sex drives and like what

you'd like but it doesn't have to start with sex like it can just be like a prolonged hug like on the sofa like yeah the lesbians are already doing that I assure you but they might not be they are I promise you okay if you aren't then fewer hugs more fucking yes because I agree I do agree with that more yeah I think a lot of it's just psychological isn't it and if you can just get past that and actually do the thing you're just going to feel better after yeah whipped cream can may I also ask if you're ask yourself honestly if you're doing the things for your partner that you did at the start of the relationship you've got to shake it up like because also like massage oil candles

yeah but did you used to bring them flowers did you used to feel did you used to feel better about yourself at the start of the relationship, if so, why? That could be a multitude of reason. It could be that like, I find I'm more likely to have sex when I'm having therapy because then my partner doesn't have to be all things and everything to me. Like, it might be that you feel better when you get dressed up that day. It might be that you feel better when you've exercised. It doesn't matter what it is, but like, it might be that you're having, if you're having dinner

at 9pm, it's unlikely you're going to be fucked in 9.30. Rent the local leisure centre and enjoy the pool. All good ideas. We're just, you know what? We're just chucking shit at the wall and see what's going to see what's this. Yeah, mine was more like, Jenny would see what sticks.

Probably is shit on the walls at my left. Yeah, that's a no from me. I know. One thing though, should we just like, as an option, create like a little soundscape between the three of us that you could put on

that would get you and your partner in the mood. No. Like a, uh, uh, mhm. Mine would be like a sound like a sound like a sound like a sound like a sound I just sound like babies.

I think that would. Nice, yes. Yeah, very sexy. Okay. Very sexy. But also, oh my God, yours are also like babies. I hate that you hear baby there.

I was trying to do like a like on the like clip like sound like. Oh my God. much. Oh, it's so, this has been great. I thought your advice was very good as well. Did you? I thought that too. My brother should be doing better in life. Like, it really savage to me. They just suck and that's not my fault.

They're messaging I being like, listen, let me tell you. They 100% are. And another thing. And in case you're wondering because I was, and I'll bet you are, the chain that Tams and glasses are on is from Tiger. It's from Tiger. It's phenomenal. I went into Tiger the other day I've got ice lolly makeup freezers myself.

All right, well, why aren't you sponsoring the podcast? That's my question. Just in case you're not in the local TK Max at Tamsin is at and you don't just see her crying in the aisles and you can meet her that way. Where can you guys see Tamsin live? Well, my show will be on in Edinburgh. Love it.

Pleasant's Courtyard, Bunker 1, 840. A gorgeous room. We've both done it. Have you? We've both done Bunker 1. I feel so warm. Yeah, it's such a gorgeous baby. The night I went to see Catherine's show there.

This is like before I was doing an hour. so 2018 this was and it was like I went to go see Catherine's show I was doing a different thing and the ceiling caved in on you do you remember I do remember but thankfully my show was about being disrespectful to God so we had fun I just don't joke about abortion so it was fine wow yeah it was incredible time there and what about online where can people follow you yes I'm on my Instagram's Tams and Kelly and I do post lots of stories but that's all I really post So my stories are a bit mad, aren't they. Stories are fun. They are stories in life.

Great. Funny. Can't wait to watch them. Cannot wait to watch them. Well, Tamsin and everything. Go see Tamsin Live. Thank you, Tams and Kelly. This has been your funeral. Be kind to the men who work at co-op.

Cheers. Be kind to men who work at co-op, please. Not the women, though. They're busy. Very busy, yeah. Thank you so much to our executive producers. Guy Goodman, Simon Moore, Mary Fox

Annie Tonner Sarah Hartkee Deacon Oliver Jago and Stuart Kerr we're so grateful to you you truly

genuinely are keeping us going Feeling dunk Also thank you massive thank you to our producer Richard Bicknell L

Richard Bolt Neil Regman Victoria Hutchison Emma Walter Harold and Dom David Walker Rachel R

Anthony Conway Cajamway Cache Owen Jones Jess and Nick Zoe Sarah and Molly Ria

Riaia Rachel Page Helen A Tina Lindsay Grey and March Amy O'Reardin Abby Warth Key Webb

Key web. I knew that was key. Key web, Matt Sims, Luke Bright, Leah, Kate Spencer, May Williams, Tristan, Liz Forch, Taz, Clow, Becky Box, Amy and Emily Gee. We're so grateful to you truly. You guys keep the pigsty muddy. Yeah, we honestly genuinely, with this new office, we're so grateful for you to continue to support. Thank you so much.