Trusty Hogs - Ep9. ED GAMBLE / Marriage, Martyrs & Making Friends

Episode Date: November 25, 2021

Ed Gamble joins Catherine and Helen for this week's Trusty Hogs! We get into everything from Disneyland hacks to tragic ghosting stories, and help not one but two listeners out with their problems...Thank you so much for listening! Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more! Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] Please give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socials Be sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Simon Moores / Guy GoodmanPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / SBDubz / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Karen Bull / Harald van Dijk / Kierah Leach / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Lee Myerscough / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Kim Dubhghaill / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Jo Holmes / Caitlyn Lyth Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey folks, it's Mark Bittman from the podcast Food with Mark Bittman. It's hard for me to believe we're talking about back to school, but whether you're thinking lunch boxes or nourishing dinners, Whole Foods Market is the place to shop, and their high standards allow you to shop with confidence. Their house brand, 365 by Whole Foods Market, has everything you need for quick and convenient breakfast, lunches and dinners from oatmeal to trail mix to wild fish sticks. Explore the many ways you can save on Back to School. foods at Whole Foods Market. Hello.

Welcome to the show. Today's prizes are a microwave oven, a trip for two to Bora Bora. And this family station wagon provided to us by our friends at Volkswagen, Walton on Thames. I was going to ask you how you are, Helen, but I guess the answer is... Volkswagen. I guess the answer is highly caffeinated and ready to go. I'm so fucking buzzing for this Oh my God we should be buzzing

It's episode nine Is it? It's episode nine Isn't it Andrew? It is We can't check every time I feel like I must Andrews episode nine

Listen We have the most Cool guest today Oh my God Who is it Well he's a bloody podcast Legend Oh my God

Richard Herring No But like A worst version of Richard But like he gets tweeted by Richard Herring Oh my God Stuart Lee?

No, like, not as like cutting edge a comedian, but still like very much on television, really into food. Ainsley Harriet? No, like a foodie podcaster. Oh my God. Are you talking about

one half of the best duo ever on podcasts? Yeah. Off menu? Yes. It's James I Castor. No, it's not. Unfortunately, it's Ed Gamble. I love Ed Gamble.

Ed Gamble He's also fine. He's also fine. And I'm way too, I'm way too hyped up. I'm hyped up again. I need to chill out a little bit. Yeah.

And can we also, just be clear, we are excited. We are excited. I'm going to be so nice. I'm going to be fucking, I'm going to treat him like a,

when wearing kid gloves but made out of real kids. Name that sitcom. Okay. It's a thick of it. It's very funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

I feel like I've got a very Malcolm Tucker energy to me today. I don't want that. Very, like, front-foot. I like my woman to be domineering. Please stop. I got a very front-foot energy.

Do you know what I mean? Through the fog. Step forth the trusty hogs. Yeah. You're going to give you problems and they will solve them or maybe they won't and that's your problem.

They'll have guests and Andrew White on the tech. It's Helen and Catherine as the trusty hugs Trust the trusty hogs Or maybe not Welcome to episode nine And we have yet another story

Of ghosting from Andrew Andrew Oh welcome to any new listeners I'm Helen, this is Catherine We do a podcast where we just chat And we also solve your problems But we forgot to do that last episode Helen's the loud

Oh my God, we do We suck at this My name's Helen. I'm the fit one. Yeah, my name is Catherine. I'm the Irish one. And we're about to introduce you to Andrew, who's the sad one. Yay! So how am I the sad one? Fuck off, Andrew. You're the sad one.

I don't know. I think it's partly because you read that poem. Yeah, it's because you suggested a poem when I said I was depressed and I was like, oh, God. That's so bling. Maybe give us, like, a backstory to the previous ghosting for any new listeners so they know that this is like a pattern of behavior from you. Yeah. No, from me? Okay. From you?

Yeah. From you, Andrew. So I saw this guy three, four times and I was getting quite close with him and then he ghosted me. Yeah. And then met this guy, only one or two times

and then he ghosted me again. Yeah. And then this latest one, we met up and we hung out and it was really nice. Yeah, you went shopping together. He went shopping and getting his Halloween costume together. Can we talk about what's crazy about this one

and we need to explain it fully for the listener? But this man ghosted you even though, and thinks he can get away with it, even though he lives on the same street as you? Literally a three minute walk away. The audacity of being like, yeah, I'll just be able to never speak to him again.

The strongest thing. Like, please explain. So, how did you get to know this person? Well, Lucky Ghost the number three. Okay, tell us how you got to know Lucky Ghost the number three. Oh my God, Sunil's calling. One second. No, we don't have time.

No, we're talking to add to. Sunil, can you take one of the pies out of the freezer and put it in the fridge to defrost, please? Yeah, can I have the Taretho one? We're actually recording an episode of the podcast right now, so this is incredibly rude by Helen. This is like my fourth ghosting now. Helen's just ghosted herself in this conversation.

That's exactly what's happened. Just the chicken and Tariatsi one in the fridge. Love you so much. Bye. Savage. Just for dinner. Helen, that was really rude. Lucky ghosted number three.

I know, but otherwise my pie went thor and I'll go through the whole thing again. But Andrew was telling another story of rejection. and you shut him down and rejected him in the middle of the story. You literally ghosted him in a story about ghosting. Sorry. Lucky ghosting number three. Come on, let's have it. So how do you get to know him? First of all, how do you meet him?

A grinder. It was just a grinder. Okay, so you're on grinder and you're like, yeah, I should shit where I eat. It's real close. Great. Okay. I thought it was just going to be a, we didn't even like hook up the first time. We meant to, well, you know, we were talking about it. And then he came over and we just chatted for like three, four hours. And then I was like, I'm really hungry. I really like

that. Wow, that's such a lesbian date. No, I love that. That is so lesbian. Went to Pizza Hut. Oh, the one you used to work in? No, I used to work at pizza delivery, a separate entity. My bad, I'm so sorry. That's all right, that's okay.

Wow. Can't believe you didn't know that. That's so embarrassing. That's the most embarrassing part of the story, not that Andrew has been ghosted a third time. Look, he goes to number three, went to pizza hot with you, and then... Look, I'm trying to get my wins where I can. And then? And then I met up again, and he was like, oh, I need to get my Halloween costumes.

So he went around all the charity shops and, like, we're trying to work at Halloween. This is fairly recent? Oh, yeah, yeah, very recent. Dude, you just shift as a stylist. That's not a date. Yeah, true. I, um, so we went, we're trying to work out as Colleen costume.

He decided to go as Mr. Tweedy from Chicken Run. Great choice. Super respect that. Although I realise this makes it very specific. So if he hears this, he'll notice him. You won't hear this. Shout out. No, there's so many ghosting stories from you, Andrew.

They'll never figure out which one of them. All three ghosts so far actually went as Mr. Tweedy to too with Halloween bars this year. He's got a time. He's got a type So you found the costume I like Tweedy Twinks Animated Farmers

Mm-mm-mm It's actually stop animation So we'll help him You help and find a costume Yeah we go through the costume And he's just missing a flat cap and some wellies And I'm like Well I have a flat cap and some wellies

Oh Andrew So I give him my flat cap and wellies For his costume And he sends me a picture of the costume all together I'm like oh it does look really good actually Okay Was his dick out or in? No no it was in

Yeah And then that was on Halloween, the eve before Halloween. Okay. And he disappeared with my wellies and my cap. Hang on, he didn't give you back your wellies on your cap. No, because he disappeared. But he still has to give you back your stuff. Uh-uh.

Not a goaster. Yeah, I would like my willies and cat back. That's theft. This is awful. This is the worst one so far. Because not only have you lost dignity and some self-esteem again, you've also lost actual items. Yeah, I've been.

I've been mugged and ghosted. Andrew, you need to say you have absolutely every right to not talk to me but you need to give me back my thing. Also, it's a three minute walk. He can drop them on the doorstep. You've said that. Oh, I message him. I mean doesn't even hear it. What did you say?

So after us, I was like, hey, how is Halloween? And then two days later I was like, hey, it'll be nice to hear from you. And then if you say, I was like, you don't have to talk to me again, but can I have my well, he's back, please. Yeah. Oh my God, my heart! But I can't believe he had the other one. Okay.

went to a Halloween party and there was someone dressed like the farmer from chicken run there contact them out of the blue and just be like, hey, do you own those willies in flat cap or do you need to return them? Yeah, that's crazy. I don't care if you're in the States. I don't care wherever you are. You fucking message that message. Andrew, first

of all, I'm really sorry that happened. Thank you. Yeah. And secondly, did you hook up? Only once. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I think the tenderness of charity shop shopping together is more than sex. Yeah. Very intimate. You're sharing foot sizes

And probably fluids because those aren't washed And can we just circle back to like Did he Could you go to his house and say can I please have my things? I know only don't know exactly where he lives I know where his friends live I've dropped him off at his friends And he knows where you live

He knows where I live I know what road he lives on but I don't know the house How willing are you to knock on every door not very willing I think what I'm saying is I'm willing to knock on every door How expensive were the wellies I don't know

They've been in the family a long time They were an heirloom Oh my god He's fucking heirlooms deep Give him back his granddad's Who did they belong to before you? I'll assume my dad Give him back his dad's wellies

You absolute horror show What the hell Andrew I am so sorry you were going This is not okay Lucky Ghost number three Is not my favourite Lucky Ghosts He's my least favorite. Who was your favorite ghost?

I liked the fairground guy who had no skills. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's, oh God, if he's listening, sorry, Lucky. I'm saying you're my favorite lucky ghost number two. Lucky Ghost number two was my favorite two. Lucky Ghost number three can go shit in the wellies and then clean them out and then put his feet in them off before they're cleaned out. You know what? No, just fuck him.

Fuck him. No, no, don't fuck him. Fuck him. Andrew, make it really long and painful. Knocking every door on the street. Here's my point. When we fall, we fall hard, you know? It's that point of being like, I should just walk away and take the hip,

but no, no, no, I'm going to make this as long and painful as possible. Do you know what they're like... Have you noticed that neither of us are like, you've got to get that flukkah back where I was like, leave the flak house. You can just leave it. I'd say leave it out. Just a nice will and how old. Yeah, you know what I'm not that attached to the flag cafe.

I used to have a hat collection when I was younger, so that's where I came from. Wait, wait, wait, wait. A moment of silence, please. For Andrew's adorable voice. vulnerability there by letting us all know he had a hat collection as a child just to quickly check before we get into this what sparked the hat collection and where are you at with it now and were we were you just no i have questions no were you displaying them was there a display system andrew i think it's just a full explanation from this point first of all age what age what age

were you when the hat collection began and when it ended um i'd say i was probably seven eight when it started and i stopped secondary school Blood, oh yeah. Okay, when it was beaten out of you. Sure, that makes sense. Question, how many hats would you say you had? 25. Okay, were they on display?

No, no, no. Where were you keeping them, Andrew? Just in the cupboard, I had a cupboard for the hats. Hat cupboard, a hat cupboard, closet, closet. At age seven. Do you remember your first hat, Andrew? Yeah, it was a bowler hat. I went to a World War II themed murder mystery as Winston Churchill.

A World War II themed murder mystery. I was seven and he went to the Western Trail. I did and the adults made me do the speech. I did the speech and that's when my hat collection began. Um, um, um, any, um, I'll go. Okay, yeah, you go. And when you were wearing the hats, Andrew, how did that make you feel?

Um, I liked, I wasn't that attached to him. I just liked hats. He was like casual about his 25 hats. He was like, chill with it. He was like, chill with it. but that they just were like a collectibles collection short and were they all first hand uh no no sometimes you go to like a boot sale or something you see like a nice hat you that that's a nice from a car boot you bought a hat yeah i got a really nice top hat from a car if i am ever blessed with a son i didn't get nits no i want him to be a hat collector you don't i do you don't because

it's so pure it is so pure did you ever collect anything as a child yes what did you collect. Oh, everything. I went through so many phases. Like, key rings was the one that really lingered. It would be something cheap and useless. What seven? And I had a... How old were you? Did you even have a set of keys? They were, no. They were in a really

big tangle and all, like, linked together and then eventually I, like, displayed them on a corgboard with a pin and they were just like... Hideous. Hideous. No one will be surprised. Pokemon cards, crazy bones. Pog. stickers which is still ongoing

I still have a sticky box at home I don't think anyone will be surprised here I collected porcelain dolls so they're going back to you I went through a porcelain doll phase it wasn't really a phase because yeah they're creepy as fuck though

I had one who's like I wouldn't open but the other one did and it was like why did you take her out of the box it was called to touch I like to touch my dolls I like to dust the boxes they never came out Andrew a couple more question

Andrew I have a question do you wish you had a hat collection now that you're losing your hair? Wow. No, I'm not going to... I know what? I've experimented with caps, but I think I'm just going to...

We had this discussion earlier. I think I'm going to own going bold. Yes, Andrew, yes. Although caps are cool, but I think that they do make people look like serial killers. Uh-huh. There I said it.

Oh my God, I'm so proud of you for owning the boldness. We were talking about this because I was saying to Andrew that like it's so normal for men to go bald that I actually think like it's sexy and cool in its own way

and you should just actually the least sexy thing is seeing somebody trying to pretend it's not happening and I think we just want to say that we want to pledge now that Catherine and I will also go bold with you Andrew thank you so much you just send us a picture when it's happened I will go fadfold with you

with a bick razor and just start fucking slicing if you send us a picture of your shaped head I'll send you a picture of my shape and downstairs it'll be my It'll be my fanny. I feel like neither of us win in this situation. I agree. No one wins.

We're all collectors of weird shit. Weird stuff. But do you remember people who do like have collections or something that was like really just like don't have that? Like people who keep their baby teeth in like little like pots. Yeah. So like I get collecting stuff. Particularly when you're a kid, it's really fun. And I kind of get it as an adult as well.

Like I have like big things of like memories from like school or like little like posters when I first started comedy. Like you do collect stuff as you get old. but like there's some things just don't collect like teeth nails hats when you're seven hats when you're seven oh people who keep like cans of exotic drinks that they liked or like old beer cans like they're in freshers week or something pictures of people they fucked um sorry like people who just keep like pictures of people they've been with like a school yearbooked like a Like a little yearbook of people. I don't know. I was riffing. I'm just sort of saying.

Were you or were you listing your own? People who collect things. People who collect. Don't keep people. Just because you like someone in there, you're out of your house. You shouldn't keep them there and put them in your people collection. If anybody's told us anything. Like Dennis Nielsen, there was someone who would collect people.

I don't like people because he would have them in his house. Andrew's like the anti- Dennis Nielsen because he lets them go. They always go. Wow. My brother connected Bino Mags when we were growing up. Bino magazines, Dennis the Menace. Andrew, you need to get your fucking Wellington's back. I'm so angry.

They were his dads. They're a family heirloom and he deserves them back. You absolute Pratt. Andrew, would you be willing to role play asking for them back if you ran into him on the street? So let's say you run into each other on the street. Catherine has your wellies and cap. Let's say, just a twist here. You should have his wellies and caps because let's be honest.

which of us would be more likely to keep somebody else's stuff just because they wanted it Myself Yeah, you should have it Okay What shoe size of you, Andrew? I'm a nine

I'd squeeze myself into them Okay, so you have his belly You have his flat cap Okay, am I wearing them? You've hooked up, you've used it as a chicken run costume so it's definitely you You lived near Andrew

So this running into each other was inevitable And yet somehow you're surprised Am I wearing the items as we speak? No. No, no, no, no, no. Okay, so you're just realized He went to a party

in wellies. Yeah, it's a choice. Yeah, maybe he's maybe sweat into them so much they stink and he feels embarrassed. He's shamed. You wouldn't buy new wellies. No, they were his dad. I know, wouldn't give both. New and old. Okay, right, I'm walking down the road. Here he comes out of

a road that we definitely know he lives on but a house we're not sure of. And here come with you, Andrew. Walk him along. Oh, hi? Hi. Hi. Sorry. Where Where are my wellies? Oh, sorry, do we know each other?

Yeah, you have my wellies and my flat cap. My wellies and your flat cap. Oh, Andrew! Yeah. From the... I was about to say his name then. Charity shop. We, yeah.

Multiple charity shops. We went around all of them. Sue Ryder. Crazy. I've been trying to get in contact with... Stay on message, Andrew. Stay on message. Sorry.

Salvation Army. No, don't be distracted by the child. So where's that shop? I didn't remember. It's next to the KFC on Wimbham Rose. Stay on messy. What do you want from this man? Can I...

I wouldn't have gone KFC. No, we didn't go to KFC. We went to the charity shop next to KFC. I would have remembered a KFC. Yeah, and we got your waistcoat for your Mr. Tweedy costume, which included wellies that belonged to me. So were you at the party? No.

No. I wasn't invited. These wellies that you speak of, I do have a pair of wellies at home. I think that must be what you're talking about, but they... I wore them. They're definitely mine. That's not how that works. Really?

Are they green in size nine? That's crazy! Yeah. Do you know what? I've got them at home with this flat cap. I wouldn't put it past my mother to check the inside of the wellies and make sure it doesn't say Mark White. Because that's my father's name and my mother does say Mark White. Andrew, you are now getting him to check if they're actually yours.

Sorry, no, they are definitely mine. They do say Mark White. That is so mad. Yeah, that's my father's name. Okay, well, I'm busy right now so I can't get them. So I guess maybe just give me your number and I'll message you and let you know. No, Andrew, no. Andrew, you're not far from this man's door Where do you live?

I'll pop around Oh, sorry, I don't give my address to strangers, I'll be mad to meet someone on Grindr and just give them your address. We had a romantic Pizza Hut date. Andrew, you said KFC? Don't get distracted. Don't get distracted.

Now, Andrew, he's probably four minutes from his door. What do you say? Look, just go get them now and then we can just, you know, we don't have to see each other again. You could say, please. Well, you could have not stolen my wellies. And you could have...

And you could have messaged me back, like an adult. I understand. Thank you for sharing with me. I have a problem with kleptomania. For men who I have made out with shoes, I will collect them now and promise to work on myself in the future. And the flat cap? We'll be with the wellies.

Thank you. And a big thing of Febrize. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. See you later. Goodbye, Stephen. Tommy.

Don't race to it. He's doing it. He's getting him. Don't rise to it. See you later, Stevie. Bye. Good. That was good. I feel like there was a lot of distraction, which you picked up on really well.

I feel like you were desperate for the memory to be at the forefront. Yeah, yeah. That's so true. You wanted to make it real. Forget that. Right now, all you want one message, we want his fucking Wellington's back. Yeah. If you're right there, if you're listening to this, give him his shoes back.

You awful thief. Thank you. Lucky ghost number three there Thank you for calling in Thank you for calling in Lucky Ghosting number three Andrew you've been thriving right

So it's like just the one ghosting incident It does not defy Does not define a man Three ghosting instances does not Instances does not Duff more Duff not Duff not

What do you say Duff What does that What does that exactly mean Duff not He duff? He duff? It doesn't It doesn't.

Yeah. He doesn't. I'm going to switch out the word doesn't or don't for doth. No, you have to say, doth not. Doth not. Yeah. So you'll say like, oh, do you want a coconut? I'm like, doth not.

No, that's not. I doth not. I duff. Yeah, both of those are fine. Those are fine. Andrew let her have this. I don't. It takes to move it along.

Yeah, yeah. Don't get distracted. Okay, great. Yes. I've been sick in medieval times. Could you imagine that? Yes, you would have been very, probably. They were like a plague or scarlet fever

or, you know, child labour. Out of all the old school illnesses, which one would you most like to have died from? Because mine is consumption, because Sotin and Moulin Rouge. Okay, I haven't seen Moulin Rouge. But I guess I would have wanted to die from martyrdom.

Oh my God, that is the most Irish answer of all time. I guess I die from... being amazing. I guess I just want to be like true to my calls and standing up by my people. Okay, top three favorite martyrs, go. Ooh, I love Joan of Ork.

I really do. I have to say her. She's, you know, definitely. I would say, my mom. My mom's up there, top three, not as good as Joan, but top three martyrs.

Living and has not died of Martyrton. But yes. You would, not according to her. Okay, right. She's died of Martyr. from it actually. So I even away she was. And then like the third one's tricky, but I guess.

Mufasa from the Lion King. It's Mufasa from the Lion King. I was actually going to say Elizabeth Holmes. Tell me more. Also living currently on trial for massive fraud. Yes! I think I've listened to a podcast about this. Holy shit.

She came up with the pinn trick. She came up with the. idea but never actually delivered it. Of like you could get a blood test, full blood test from just having a pinprick and she sold loads of shares. The podcast called Bad Blood. I obviously want you to finish listening to this but then I think you should go listen to her because she's on trial currently and

truly profoundly has done some of the most cynical and cliched things you could do if you're about to go to jail. First of which my favourite is she allegedly. I mean she definitely... Wait, I don't know this. I just know about the story. I don't know about her trial right now. Okay. And just conveniently before she went to trial, she got pregnant and had a baby.

Love that for me. My cousin had the same thing. She got arrested near Didcot when she was like 17. She was pregnant so they let her out of jail for breastfeeding. It was fucking sick. And she moved to Australia. Hi Katie. Hi Katie. I didn't think criminals start to go to Australia.

Crazy. Yeah, she lives in Byron. Yeah, that's all be. Hey, Katie. Hey. Yeah, those are my top three, I guess. Amazing. Joan, Lizzie and my mama. That's really cute.

But tell me more about Elizabeth. So she got pregnant. So if you don't know her, she dropped out of Stanford and then came up with this concept where she pretended that she had the capacity to test things just from a drop of blood instead of a vial of blood, became the first and youngest female billionaire through tech startup, I believe.

It turns that she never had the science. They increasingly were putting massive pressures on their employees to lie. They then some quit. one man died from the pressure like it was horrendous and so much lying

so much fraudulent like lied to Walgreens it was like so much fraud allegedly and now she's on trial but the trial keeps getting pushed back oh my god so the jurors keep getting

excuse recused whatever because one of the jurors just got let off or like kicked out of the jury for playing Sudoku no And I was like, Helen's on the jury. Yeah, Sudoku.

No, it'd be Pokemon Go, but yes. Sudoku. I was like, what I, I, I, I, I mean, what the hell is going on? Yeah. So she like, um, she's now married to this incredibly rich man. Um, and they go to Coachella together and, uh, Burning Man and put a post like, be the change you want to see in the world. Yes.

You're a child of the universe. Um, yeah. She's an icon. But also she's an absolute narcissist who has done terrible things. Like the, what's her name in America, Belle Gibson. But people were misdiagnosed all the time. And oh my God, she's horrific. She has so much to answer for it.

So Bell Gibson has that thing as well where she said that she had brain cancer. She didn't. And then she tried to make out that she cured herself through healthy eating. And then people are so desperate to try and cure themselves and get better or cure their loved ones that they started following her thing in rejecting medicine. medicine, as in like, Western medicine. And then she was like, oh, I thought I did. I thought I did.

Oh, my God. It's so mad. But I don't think she went to prison. I don't think I was even a trial. I worry that Elizabeth Holmes isn't going to go to prison, but she bloody well should. She really should. Why do you think she's not? Oh, because she's like this thin, beautiful, blonde, rich woman who's got a baby.

So it's like, fucking send her down. Oh, my God. for so much death and trauma. Tell you now, if Amanda Knox was blonde, it would have been a lot better for her. Yeah, that's what we're saying. I don't know that that's the full conclusion. No, I don't know that that's the full conclusion.

It wasn't her. In different, right, anyone who still thinks Amanda Knox did it. There's no way she did it. You still think the Queen killed Diana. I can't still think of Amanda Knox. I have proof. And when I die, it will be released. I can't.

Could you imagine? if I'm entrusted with that state secret? Like, no, no. Where do they keep the secrets in the UK? Like, in America, it's in the Pentagon, isn't it? Like, the extreme... Like, where the aliens are. You say it's like a UK burn book.

Yep. Every country has one. And where the aliens are. Every... No, about, like, you know, like, Area 51, and that's, like, where the aliens land, and they keep them to talk to and ask about intelligence and other planets.

You think that definitely happen? Well, how else do we know there's water on? Mars. No? Hello? No, but like you know about space. Ministry of

Defense. But you're going to say Ministry of Sand? She's still got that Lanzarotti mindset. No, I'm saying where they keep government secrets. Like the Ministry of Sand, do you know?

No, like MI5 or Scotland Yard. If you listen really closely to the beats, they're doing Morse code secrets. What, the effort of the Simpsons, where they played the song backwards, it was like, join the Navy. Join the Navy. The Queen kills Diana.

Oh my God, that is Calvin Harris, the girls. 100%. Fuck off my mind is like, no, no, where they keep like the like, so you know it goes on that briefcase of the queen every Friday. They get like a briefcase of information from the prime minister and the cabinet with like what's happening in the world. where the nukes are, how their relationships are with them, and they must have a file of secrets from going back.

Every week she gets told where the nukes still are. On my life, they cover it in the queen with Helen Mirren. Oh, well then say no more. Yeah, because the queen likes driving in real life. And in the film, Helen Mirren, drives. They're staying secrets. That's not conspiracy theorist. Uh-huh.

Yeah, but they're not like. What do you think they're kept somewhere? Yeah, like where, which building? Because, I mean, it'd be smart. I mean, they're probably in my five, but they should probably just keep it in like a subway. Because like, no one's going to be like, oh, it'd be in Subway sandwich.

Well, they would have to have told everyone that now. Oh, my God. But which one? Move the Zooker! Which one? Ellen Bauer. It's time to speak to our guest. It's Ed Gamble, everybody.

Helen, what's wrong? I don't know. I just think if I can't get rid of this cough, my world's going to end. Oh no, is there nothing that could help? I think the only thing that could help is if people signed up to our patron. Your cute little tiny tin vibe. It's like, Christmas is nothing. Do you like me?

Do you want more of me in your ears? Do you want stuff in exchange for helping us? Because we will give you stuff in exchange for helping us. It's not just like a, it's a quid pro quo. We're not just asking for free. Like Tiny Tim, what does he do? Say thank you, Scrooge. Not enough.

Not enough. We've got lots of deals on patreon.com forward slash trusty hog. It starts at three pounds a month. That's the price of a coffee. Think of all the times you get a coffee and you don't even finish it. Right. It's stupid. Give it to us.

We'll give you an extra episode every week. Every week. Perfect. You say finish us? I said they could finish us on like the coffee and then I heard what I said. No, yeah, it just sounded dodgy. Donate, please, please, please.

If you like the podcast, please support us. We really need your help. Thank you. Now, let's thank our producers. Yes, please. So we have exec producers, Guy Goodman and Simon Moors. Thank you both so much. We have producers, Harold Van Dyke, Kim.

Ooh, we never settled on this, Dovgul. Who knows? David Walker, also Kim, Tombroner. David Walker, Jess and Nick, S.B. Dubbs, Neil Redmond, Kira Leach, Anthony Conway, Claire, Owen Jones, Emma Walton, Caitlin Lise, Kathleen Lies. Thank you, Caitlin. Zoe, Lee Meyer. Cough. Tim and Dom. Richard Bicknell, Richard Bolt, Karen Bull, Rachel R, Sadie Cashmore, Victoria Hutchison, L. And Joe Holmes, we're so grateful to all of you. That was well done. Was it? I feel like I blew through you. I don't know how to say.

Thank you, producers. Thank you so much. Please send your names phonetically. It's Ed Gamble, everybody. That is the most enthusiastic we've been for a guest ever. I feel awful. We know who has the listens and who doesn't. That's so practical.

You'll get a retweet if you're really enthusiastic. Yes! too much. I'm leaving. Do you want something from our table? Would you like my Dolly Parton candle? I do actually love that. No, it's mine. You can have our magnets.

Oh, I'm going to do that. Helen brought these to us from her holiday. Would you like to keep... Goodness me, Helen. I don't even want to touch it. I don't understand why these aren't good kids. I went Lazaroie. In 1994.

Last week. I don't understand the problem with it. Look, Warren. How? It's like, it reminds me of that poem The poem about the kid with the shoes. What poem about the kid with the shoes? That's not a well-known bet.

That is not like a... Do you mean the bleak phrase? Yeah, I do. What bleak phrase? It's the short... I mean, what a way to kick off the podcast. Oh, the baby shoes never worn. Yeah, for sale, baby shoes never worn.

Well, that's a flip-flop. Whenever I hear that, I think, what a picky baby. But if you were the baby who was given this, you'd be like, you know what? I'll pass. Also, I just gave them to you. Like, you can't. Can't hoof it, please.

Do you not want either then? This one nice as well. Did I hear something funny? Didn't even see a lizard. Well, that's why they... It's good. It's good stuff. We've started too, giddy.

I also bought one with a dolphin. Yeah? Yeah. But you didn't bring that one with you? No, I'm keeping that one for me. We bought one with giant knockers for Rosie Jones. It was six for five euros. Yeah.

Knowing Rosie, that's getting rubbed down to a nub. Yeah. But also six for five euros feels like You got overcharged No, were you kidding? I was begging them to take more I was like, but for the glitter For the craftsmanship

That's hand-pated in China Yeah, but that looks like sun faded That has been out there for years It might have been Which is weird Because you'd think everyone going there Was taking the deal Right?

Yeah, it's crazy Crazy times we're living in this Global Warming Thank you so much for being here Well, thanks for having me. Good. I'm very impressed with this. Are you?

We're set up, yeah. It's like an American podcast. It accepts that we've not spent any of our own money and we don't care who you vote for. Okay, cool. Don't you think it looks like a freedom of speech podcast? Yeah, it really does. We so look like we're going to be like, but you can see fucking anything these days because you're going to get fucking arrested. So here I'm going to say the truth.

The earth is flat 100%. The main question is what's underneath it? Why is that always your question? Because I think it's a good question. It's not a good question. What's under the flat? But I think even flat-earthers agree with round-earthers what's under there, right? They're not saying, no, but like, they're saying like it's all lava and shit, like everyone else.

Yeah. It's the shape that they're, yeah, core. Crust. Yes. You just, I just thought you. You don't live in the end like you knew them. You didn't know them. Honestly.

And there's the cheese layer. The plague layer. Please make it stop. You dig far enough down. down there's going to be plague people. It's going to be a good hug to help us solve a problem because Ed's got his life together. Because Ed just got married.

And that means you have your entire life together. I think it does. I think it does. I think you're only allowed to get married if you're an adult. Those are the rules. Stop. Yeah. Because the thing is about marriage is it's 100% successful.

All the time. So it's only people who've got their life together get married because they never end. Tell my parents that. Yeah, I was like, don't look at your eyes when you say it. She's going to talk about Anne and I can't do it again. I can't do it again. left him. Why would she leave my dad? He's such a fun man. Oh, he sounds fun. He is fun. Are you going to be the Anne with the Michael? That's the real question in your marriage.

I know. It's rock solid. That's nice. How long have you married? A month? My dad thought it was rock solid as well. My mom went to book club one day. One of the women said the phrase mansplaining. She learned what it meant and she left him the next week. Honestly, he genuinely thinks that's the reason. He puts it all down to one. One woman in fleet being like, no, I'm mansplaining her, Zan. Well, let me tell you, she went home and she was like, you know, fuck you, it's really mansplained everything. I'm out. Okay, the message there is not to let Charlie go to a book club.

She did go to a book club. No. She's been to a book club. That was pre-marriage, though. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to tell this story, but I'm going to tell it. Because it almost broke you up. And she suggested a book that was too weird for the book club, and then she was never invited back to the book club.

You have to be invited back every week? Well, they just carried on the book club, but they never told her when it was again. Like, she was like, I assume they're not doing the book club anymore. This is what, she's so brilliant, but they were doing the book club. What was the book? It was a, it was a German, originally German book, it was translated into English. It was about Hitler coming back to life. He's come again, he's back again.

He's feet of dark. So she was like, I've heard about these book, guys. We should read it and they all read it. And then they were all like, oh. Actually, there's a really good film of it as well. No, were they happy about the second movie? Well, I'll suggest that for her film club. Do.

It starts with Hitler, just waking up in Berlin, but what's great about it is if you don't know Berlin that well, just looks he's waking up. If you do, he wakes up like about a one-minute walk from the Holocaust Memorial, which is where they're filming, which just feels like such a weird choice. But it also makes sense because he killed himself, allegedly, by the Holocaust Memorial. So it all comes together. And it's all apparently a coincidence,

but then Michael Jackson hung his baby out the window. at the same hotel he used to go in from his bunker. Little blanket. In a blanket, coincidentally. Oh, baby blanket's doing okay now. Is he in the movie or the book? No, I don't think so. No, I don't think so.

It's a great book to recommend. I don't know why they had a problem with it. Once a year, I say. I look up a blanket just to see what blanket looks like. Doesn't you go by like BB or something now? Yeah, it's not blanket. No, it's not. I think it might be BB.

You'd have to rebrand slightly. You're getting rid of blanket. Yeah, that's not amazing. I've become a blankie, I think. Blanky. Like, I'm blankie. I don't think it's not great for your masculinity to be blankier. No, you'd have to change it to like slank it or something.

Yeah. But you know that I do like toxic masculinity buccaroo at home with any guys that come over. I sort of like put candies on, like witcher candles, make them hot chokies, put blankies on them, hot waterbotties. And just waiting to them to be like, I'm a man. Hey folks, it's Mark Bittman from the podcast Food with Mark Bittman. It's hard for me. me to believe we're talking about back-to-school, but whether you're thinking lunchboxes or nourishing dinners, Whole Foods Market is the place to shop, and their high standards

allow you to shop with confidence. Their house brand, 365 by Whole Foods Market, has everything you need for quick and convenient breakfast, lunches, and dinners from oatmeal to trail mix to wild fish sticks. Explore the many ways you can save on back-to-school foods at Whole Foods Market. Never say hot chokies or hot water botties again. Hot botty, you don't know hot potty. Oh my God. It makes sense like you're going to sit on them, but like, you know. And then we put on Russian dash cam videos and just chill out, you know, like bros.

What is wrong with you? I'm joking at our house, we're exclusively watching Polish fighting, slapping championships at them open. What are you on about? The worst part is I know what she's on in it, and that hurts, it's because of this. Oh, Ed, it's fucking sick. No. It's basically what happens is you get these two absolute Polish units and they're looking at each other in a big arena, you know, it's not like a small space.

And they hit each other three times. And if you don't pass out, it's the referee's cool and styley preferred. And they're just slapping each other. But the rule is you're not allowed to flinch. Yeah, open hand slapping. They face each other. They gear up, then they've got to open hand slap each other. It's huge there.

It's worth watching. And if it's a draw, the referee decides on his favorite. style. I liked his. He was better. I liked his vibe. I liked his body. I liked his slapy, sloppy. Well, they get three hits. You've obviously got backhand, front hand. You've got the fake. Like the, I'm coming. Oh, no, I'm not.

Wow. No one's backhanding anymore. If you want to fill an evening, I recommend that. Oh, Charlie's at her book club and leaves you. You can do it then. She's never being let. back into that book club she brought a Hitler book

she weirded the world out I'm going to say I think that's like you're not ready to hit a Hitler reader that's great that doesn't feel

like that much of an insane choice that is like a huge bestseller it's a really in Germany though Germany's had some big books

yeah we're all thinking mind count and now I'm desperately trying to think of another one and I genuinely can oh that's upsetting

James and Daschisenpier James and the Dime Pete was actually originally German. He didn't really have to speak German to get that one. But you got married. Do you feel different? No, not at all. Good. I feel relieved that we're married because it took me fucking long.

So romantic. Genuinely, no romance on the day. Just us like, we will fucking do this right now. I think that's quite romantic. That is quite sweet. Was food good? Yeah, amazing. Loved it.

I feel like that's a very important part of Ed's when. I never just thought like ask someone about the food of their wedding. That's an important thing to ask. But also, did you feel like? pressure was more on the food than how you look. Little bit, little bit of pressure. You can't go around being the food guy and then being like, it's pea soup, everyone. No, that's a good point.

What did you serve? You can have nice pea soup. Imagine if we had pea soup. Do you want to know? I do, I really do. I don't know. Remember, some scollet, there was like a scollop dish. Love scollops. I'm not to be found, but I don't know that they're involved. Or, uh, Truffle Nocky was the other one. Oh yes, yes, yes, please. Yeah, good stuff. And he knows how to say it. This man likes food.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I learned. I learned how to say it. Like a lamb dish. I can't even remember, like a canon of lamb, but it had like... What's the canon of lamb? It's just the bit of the lamb. Like a round bit of lamb rolled up. A bit of lamb rolled up.

Like a mini roll. Yeah. And then another bit of lamb, but it was like all chopped up and shaped, another bit of lamb. But it's called a name that I would never say out loud, but it was on the menu like that. And we had to ask them to change it. It's a really old-school British name for like a mini. that I would never say out loud. An old school British...

Oh, I know what it is. You know what I mean, right? And we got the menus. I don't, but you'll have to tell me afterwards. We can say it. We can say it, yeah, yeah. Oh, I'm assuming... Okay, I think I've got it now.

It's a puff, a puff of laugh. You served puffs of laughs. Yeah, we serve puffs of love. Wow. Well, Andrew, thank you for sharing that with me. You're welcome. Try a chicken dyke. I'm definitely...

I have, actually. I don't know what it is about this American podcast app. I'm just determined to be cancelled. You know? So, I mean, please. Try. Wait, this sounds really good dessert. Cancel.

Then you've got cancelled than Helen. What if you fucking go? So then you had your lamb puffs. Yes. Yeah. And then dessert was, we had lemon meringue pie. Stop. Or a chocolate bomb thing, which is like a Snickers chocolate bomb.

This is like peanut and caramel. Oh, my fucking God. They do that at Disney Epcot. I haven't been, I've just watched up the vlogs and they serve a chocolate bar in the Rosen Crown there and it's like based off

yeah well when I'm watching people go around Disneyland they have like a Snickers chocolate bar there that they've made from scratch and it looks really good just gave me a look as if to say

will you say something clear about this because we're really worried about it it makes me happy it makes me so happy every time Helen says she doesn't need to help her depression it sounds like a symptom of depression oh yeah I mean

I think the last time I spoke to her and she was buying chickens. Yes. Why would you bring the... Oh shit, sorry. So basically, my neighbour Jim, who had the chickens, got drunk and forgot to close the door.

Why would you mention this? And it all happened on my birthday, so now she calls my birthday chicken death day. What's wrong with you, Ed? Four died. And I woke up in the morning and I was making my coffee to look out on chickies because that's what I did at my morning.

Hot chickens. And one of them had died. on the trampoline bouncing and its head was gone so I can only assume it bounced into the mouth of the fox

that's all you can assume is it chicken died bouncing chicken died bouncing so the only and I'd hugged all of them is that the chicken got on the trampoline to have a bounce

chicken was running for its life and it was like bounce time and went into a helicopter yeah chicken died bouncing chicken thanks Ed Sorry.

That's a second episode, just monopolized by this. Great. It was awful. The other thing I stretched about. Feathers is everywhere. There's everywhere. Last time, Helen, was you were, I think, talking about your finances. Oh, come on.

Ed, why? This, this, this. Don't worry, Ed. Don't worry, Ed. I've sorted it out. I no longer pay council tax or gas and electric, because who's going to turn it off? Prove it. Prove I'm not paying it.

So stressful. You got a fine. Right. I got, no, I got court summoned. I've been court summoned twice. You got, you have to pay council tax, it turns out. We all knew that, yeah, everyone knew. One of the main rules.

It's not an opt-in thing. I thought it was an earning enough to pay it. Like taxes. Yeah, but now we figured it out now. So we will be contacting. I promise you, episode 10, we will talk about something other than chickens. Also, I'm thriving, so I got paid for doing a job the other day, and I went to Lanzarotti. You need to rebrand as the Council Tax Chicken podcast, and then this will all make sense.

And when you got paid for something. thing. Yeah, Lanzoran. You set some of that money aside to pay your tax bill and then use the remaining to go to Lanzarotti. Yeah, no, so what you do is that money comes in and out. So you wait for the next job. No, no, no, no.

You don't kick it down the road. No, right, I was sick of people saying this. Don't shut up and listen. Right, I did an advert for Nationwide two years ago, got paid a stupid amount of money for it. Took two friends to Disneyland Paris to stay in the Toy Story Hotel. You took two friends. Yeah.

You paid for your friends to come with me for the experience. Who's going to hit the photos of me with Snow White? paycheck Helen present time and then she buys all of her friends absurdities called Helen is rich now fund and then we have treats but then is it going to be Helen's tax time oh so then Helen's tax time

came and you get a year to pay it it's not an immediate thing Helen and then we did gigglers and people donate it why not just put money aside as you go so because I wanted to go Rottie

and I think I've been very care about that. Look how tan I am. And look at these nice things you get from me for me being rich now. Look at, we're all enjoying the hell of this rich now fund. You can't pay your taxes with porcelain flipflop. But wait for this. Then because I had no savings when lockdown happened, I couldn't

be self-employed, so I had to go on the doll. And if I'd saved it, I'd have been fucked. Spend when you earn. Remember the rules. You come to the world with nothing. If you leave Owen, you win. It's the only way to play the game.

what happens when the bailiffs come around and they say why haven't you paid this money? Too late, I'll be on fucking Space Mountain, Florida, honey, what are you going to fucking do? Come get me there. Well, you look at bailiff in the eyes and say, wanted to go Rottie. Sorry, wanted Rottie, wanted Rottie, wanted Rottie.

Chicken died bouncing. You want hot chucky. You want hot water, boy. So sorry to bring those two things up. Yeah, thank you so much. Truly, we tried to move her off topic. Oh, flat earth. That's up.

We're really three to drink. What do you remember about? discussing things as Catherine. Yeah. Were you discussing paying your text bills?

I don't leave you worrying? I believe that you put money aside when you get paid for some things. Oh, I have an Isa now.

So desperate. I have an Isa. You have an Isa now? I have an ice out. And how you're really eyeing up that ISO already, aren't you,

to pull all that money out? Yeah. Because you know what? You can just access it whenever you want. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm going to go Disneyland Florida. Go Universal. And then I'm going to go up to Dollywood. But I've been to Dollywood. Don't do that. Why?

I agree. I want a butterfly cookie. Okay, but you can make one of those at home. I can't. I'll make you one. If I go in the kitchen, I think about chicken dying. I have to order my food in.

I've gone in the chickens and fucking like three months. And we've back to a full circle. No, you don't leave me worrying about you either for a monus, which is nice. No, I used to be very bad with money, but now I'm much more sensibly. It gives me a little buzz setting everything aside. Oh my God. Me too. I love saving so much. Also, my accountant said that I'm in his top five clients now, obviously,

desperate to be number one. And, yeah, and... Congrats. Thank you so much, guys. Also, I paid... He's your accountant, because I want to, like, beat you with them. You won't. Chris and I have a bond.

Oh, yeah. But he also has, I believe, Phil Wang and Fern Brady, so I obviously like to think they are not in the top five. I can't imagine they are. I don't know. You never know. No, Wang's got a lot of wine and... Yeah.

He's a big spread of work. He always looks like he has new cords. Yeah, oh, B's big on the cords. He's big on the cords. Yeah, yeah. You are very good at saving. I was terrible. Take pleasure, though, putting things aside.

I was terrible. I would say that I had to learn from my last partner. They've, like, very much taught me to save. Really? Yeah. Like, really, really. And then, but as soon as you get to a certain point, you're like, I must never be below this point again.

Yeah. And then it becomes addictive. Like, really addictive. But a good addiction. Oh, yeah. It's great. I like to check it three times a day. That's normal, right?

Good. Good addiction. Money's still there. My money. We part ways. But it's the excitement of having money. I think you probably both went through this before you figured out how to save, which is like the excitement of like, oh my God, I can do this thing.

You know when you walk into like a shop and you're like, I could buy everything in here. Like I've never had that much money. I've never had that much money. You go into Poundland. Yeah. They actually had some lovely off-brand Adida stuff. What helped you in to help you save? Just had a few shocks where I got an accountant and they were like, oh no, you've done this all wrong.

And here's some fines that you've got to pay. And you've been doing this all wrong? That's the thing I'm most paranoid about is the getting a massive tax bill that I didn't know existed. So I know that the tax year is March to April. April to April. Yeah, but like March and April are like, same same.

Because they could both be Easter. That is how fine has to work. She's got us there. It's sort of blur. Labs being born, taxes are being paid. Pops everywhere. But then, like, they send you the bill. They're like, you better pay this by next January.

And it's like, next January. Great. Yeah, that's the future. People will be flying by then. And then I always assume, like, well, don't worry. Like, I'll do something really worth it in that time. And then it's like, you just wait and just hope you get a good job in December. But you're not worried all of the time.

Yeah, there you go. Me too. See, I think if you pay it, like, as quickly as you can, what I would do is I'd have that way, I'd be like, fuck, my tax is. when it came around to January and then we're like, no, I've done it already. Exactly. You'll never feel more smug.

It's amazing. But I also feel smug meeting like Cinderella. Do you know what I mean? Like it's a different level of smugness. Yeah. It's like, she said I was fit. Well, not fit. She doesn't use that language.

But it's really odd off-brand Disneyland you're going to. Cinderella like, you're fit as fuck. Thank you. Thank you so much. That would be so good. I told you, I told you, Ed has his life together. I lost your one. Nice, boy.

How sick would that be? I mean, I'd pay for that, to be fair. When I went to Disney C. Oh, my gosh. My fiancé at the time, wife now. Congrats. That's like such a straight man brag. I don't know why it was like.

Wait, wait. Asked about costuming? No. No. Hang on you're in Japan at Disneyland and you have a fiancé soon-to-be-wife. Yes, exactly. But she'd emailed in advance, actually, when my fiancé soon-to-be-wife was in England. She'd emailed them saying, my boyfriend, because I was actually boyfriend at that point, is diabetic.

Aw. Facts. You say R. This is how absolutely, like, fucking steely-eyed she is. Okay. She just went, my boyfriend's diabetic. Does that get him a cue jump out of the pass? Why would it?

Right. Have you lost your foot? Have you lost your foot? She went, Ed. Sometimes you have low blood sugars, don't you? And you feel a bit woozy if you have to sort of stand up for too long and stuff. I was like, yeah, I guess sometimes. And so she put that in the email.

She was like, yeah, we got it. They gave us this pass and I got a cue job first. She didn't even pretend you lost your diabetes foot. No, I'm not doing that all day. It's a long day at Tokyo Disney by saying. A quicker day, if you have no cues. Exactly what it's for. It's fine.

Yeah, absolutely. When I'm picked up from the office. This is not exactly what. what it's for. You jump all day, right? But the thing is, it obviously doesn't say on the card. Why? Why you've got the card.

And I present physically healthy. So they all, well, you know what I mean. It's a matter of perspective. You know, I'm not, you know, I'm not turning up with any visible disability. Why do you say that like such a cocky little shit? No, no, no, no. I don't think you don't have a mobility. I don't have, yes, exactly right.

I don't have any mobility issues. Ed got cancelled on trusty-house for saying I present physically healthy. So every time I would go up with the Q pass, they would look at the card, look at me, and try and work out why it had the pass. To the extent, quite a few people working there were really talking to me in quite a very, as slow and deliberate way. Helen, it's your dream. Ed got to be treated like a child, a Disneyland. That's your dream. You should get diabetes.

You should get diabetes. I just imagine, sorry, I didn't picture you going on rise. I pictured you. going to meet like Dopey and him being like... What's wrong with him? My wife wanted to go and meet Ariel, right? Oh my God, it wouldn't. So she was like, can you queue up with me?

We'll use your cue pass to get to the front. So I was queuing up to meet Ariel with a cue pass and they were like looking at the card. And this... Oh my God. She was like, and then she pointed at there's these little painted Mickey's all around the park. She went, do you know who that is?

Oh my gosh! Number one really quickly, they're called Hidden Mickeys. but yeah, 100% I don't know what to do at that point so I just went Mickey Oh my God

Can I ask When you're in the phone You just nodded and Mickey Yeah what else am I supposed to do He played along Helen Go on When you're in the queue

Are you in the queue With like people in wheelchairs And stuff No it was To be honest It wasn't a busy day Anyway So I didn't really need

The queue pass that much I would have felt But he was determined Not to have to go behind a child So he'd use it anyway Oh my gosh Out of my way I'm here to meet Ariel.

I respect that so much. And what I will say is from watching so many vlogs. You can also get that if you suffer from anxiety or depression. No, you can. You can get a cue jump. But everyone who goes to Disneyland could then skip a queue. Every adult in Disneyland. Wait a second.

Just because we have joy in our hearts and a song in our head. Are you coming to Disneyland without children? Can you get a cue jump park? Could you have something severely wrong? Yeah, exactly. I mean, okay, Andrew. From the past days of my life going there. We have psychopaths, Ed Gamble, here.

Let's solve a problem of our listeners. Okay. I respect your fiancé so much. The wife even is incredible. I mean, I get why you married her. That lady's going to take care of him. Well, from marriage to the... She needs to.

Yeah. Wait, marriage. We've got a marriage problem? No, I was going to do it like a neat segue. Oh, my God, do it. From marriage to the potential start of a relationship. Ooh. Cool, cool, cool.

This is from B. Hey, Bea. Loving the podcast so far, thank you, Pete. Oh, my God, we love a compliment. I've recently been spending quite a lot of time with this girl. She's quite flirty in person and generally, so I can't tell if she's into me or it's just her personality. Nothing physical has happened yet,

but we've booked to go away to an Airbnb for the weekend, which only has one bed. Is it a date? I just, I always think these things are so weird, because why would you not have asked by this point? What do you mean? Ask. Just ask, is this like a romantic thing

or is this just a friend thing? Yeah, but that ruins the atmosphere. No, it doesn't. It does. It does. What are you talking about? I don't think it does. Just to double check.

Just sort of be like, hey. Right, well, look, before we go any further, I just put on their cards on the table. Are you writing or are we sleeping? It's riding or are we sleeping? Like, just to double check, yeah. Is this, uh, is this pandan or are we just friends? Should I prep or do,

just think all that tension that's built up, all that exciting stuff. I don't really allow tension to... I very much quash it quite quickly. And actually, I have seen Helen once when she had prepped for a date that didn't happen. And so in reaction to that, she showed me, without my consent, her full vagina because she was not damned if she was having shaved it and she wasn't having someone's thing. I did a job that day.

That wasn't even a private interaction. That was in the green room in front of me. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's also important. And I will be working on myself come in a year. Yeah. And that's something we can all look forward to.

Okay, so they've, sorry, have they spoken, how do they know each other? Flirty fan chat? It doesn't say how they know each other. You don't have context as to whether or not, but it seems like they maybe met through something. Booking the Airbnb with one bed. If it's just those two, booking an Airbnb with one bed, feels odds on, doesn't it? I feel like it's dainty. I feel like it's super dainty.

Like, there's so many caveats come with this. Like, do they live close to each other? Have they met up, like, in the flesh several times? There's another kind of... Why would anybody say in the flesh in that context? B is also a woman, so it's same sex, which I don't know whether this person is same-sex attracted. Another element.

What a weird caveat to put on this, Andrew, but also... B has got lady parts, and as you know, some of us find those repugnant. That's what I got from you, Andrew, Larry. I feel like it's 100% a day, but just as the rules of consent, bring pyjamas as an option. You know what I mean?

I think always bring pyjamas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not always. I can, okay, but yeah. I would say that it is, you're right. It's tricky when you have a friendly relationship with another woman if you are into women and you can't tell what they're into you.

For sure. It's like, you don't want to make any presumptions, but also like, the whole like they're a flirty person. I still think, I still think you can tell if somebody's, maybe everyone can't tell if they're being floated with. You sometimes can't.

We've all missed something, right? Or when you think you've been sending out really clear vibes and they haven't picked up on them? Helen, is this about when you turn on the sad song and stare at the person across the party and then if they look at you, you think they're going to fuck you? That's not. You make eye contact, Drone.

She's always a woman to me. She's not bringing pajamas. He throws her pajamas in the bed at the club. What'd be needing this? Just cough my mouth open. Jump on! Oh, it's so hard to know I hate to say it, Ed,

but what do you think they should do? I think you've just got to you've got to keep going down that road and see what happens. No, I've done the unrequired friendship thing before. It's painful. No, no, no, no.

See what happens just at the Airbnb? Yeah, specifically the Airbnb. A time limited exploration. Yeah. That's fair. I'm beginning to think that if, but the thing is like they could fancy you and you could fancy them

and you could go to the Airbnb and then nothing could happen if neither of you makes a move because you're both nervous about the other. Oh God, is Helen right? Ask. I'm telling you these things can get drawn out.

They can get so painful. Don't do it like Helen. Don't do it before the Airbnb. No, no, no. And don't do it with wine. Don't do it. Do it with wine. But we've,

I have done this relationship thing where you're like, we're spending all our time together. Like we're super fly with each other. We're always like touching, but we're not having sex. Like 100% there's something here. We're just not whatever it is. And you just draw it out.

And it gets really painful by the end of it. Because you've already. like the whole feelings in your head some people are thick as shit and they do not realize what's happening there are some sick so they say if they're thick as shit oh yeah so

then you have to ask them usually about three four times right also is it a romantic B&B you know what I mean there's some Airbnbs that aren't very romantic there are some that are super romantic

like there's ones with pillows and say love on them it's on you know that's a setting that sounds very sexy goodness me Or suggest two films Be like, should we watch like

What's a sexy film? Like Leveon Rose or should we watch Schindler's List? And then if they pick We're back, are we? If they pick Shindler's List I'm going to put it out there. I think it's hard to fuck to Shinders List. It just is.

But also, if there was any chance of them fancying them in the first place, if they then suggest Shinders List as a film to watch in the Airbnb, that's that over and Yeah, you're no longer. That's such a good point. And you still get to watch Shindler's list. which is a wonderful film. Have you ever been unsure of somebody fancied you or being unsure of how to tell someone?

Oh, yeah, all the time. Basically, if I ever sensed it before I met Charlie, I would just assume they didn't and then just carry on with my life. Really? That's the easiest way of doing it. Yeah. I would try and break them down. I'd be like, there's no way I could have feelings for them

and then I'll have feelings for me. That doesn't make sense. They'll break down eventually and they'll want me. just outside their house, like a stalker. Okay, so two very different approaches. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. But neither necessarily leading to the outcome, I'm sure of B-1. No, both are really upsetting.

Both are just being adults in Disney, but one with the fiancé and one with two friends, so I paid to go with me. Well, do you fair, his fiancé was only using him for his past. No real winners here. No real winners here. I would say, I, hmm, as a flirtatious person, I would say that I have probably accidentally led people on

so I do think like there's a value in not assuming it which I think B is already doing which is smart and looking for more clarity before making a move if only says that she doesn't hurt So is it some social tests with other people in bigger groups to see how this person reacts with other people If they're flirting with everyone and be like, okay, there's a little bit more doubt creepy.

Yeah. But if he fancies this person's going to be so annoying to be in social situations testing that theory, so you'll just want them all to yourself. I would more air on the, have two glasses of wine and see what happens. But that's not very good advice if you don't. Oh, that's terrible, yeah. Does it say who invited who to the B&B? Oh, yeah.

Andrew, we have something. I would check. I know, people either send way too much context and it's like pages and pages or they send absolutely no information. Slag them all off. Thank you for listening and writing in. Really appreciate it. Please send us your vulnerability.

Yeah. But not with too much detail, but also not with too few details. No, it's we've booked. So they booked it together, I guess. My instinct, my immediate instinct, is it's a date and you're going to get it on. That's what it is. Can you write in to tell us if you get it on or not? Yes, please do.

How about just an emoji? I feel like you have to go and not worry about what it is when you go and then see how it develops. It's easy to say. You're married. The games were playing. You've got to put yourself out there, right? You never did? You never did.

I'm married. I put myself out there once and it works out, thank you. I put myself out there several times. Fucking bullshit. But who told who? That you liked the other? Oh, I don't think we actually, I don't think we've ever told each other.

No, I think we just... Not even over lampples? I think we just... I think we just got pissed. I told you. I told you. Two glasses of wine. So magical. That is beautiful. That's what I want. But I know, I think I asked her on a date before that happened. You did pick yourself out there.

Did you call it a day? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think like, we were just texting a lot and then, and then I was like, we should. I'm going to go for it. Yeah, let's go out. That's cute. That's cute. That's cute. Okay. Well, I guess. That was no help at all. No, I actually think that what we've realized is that she should gain some clarity and also maybe, decide before she gets there what she would like it to be

because at least if you have a clear like if if for example if she says we're only friends process in advance maybe what you might feel about that so that you don't say anything reactionary or rude because it's completely valid for her to say you just want to be friends so you want to react with like

some dignity and maturity to that and don't start going you're very flirty by the way you're getting out all the wrongs exactly okay well that's Catherine and Ed's advice I still say DVDs so like goofy movie

the pianist. You know what I mean? Like, keep it fun, keep it light. One time Helen was having sex with a man who he left a condom in her and then he didn't make her come and he put on the goofy movie

and there's a lot of trauma there. There's a Valentine's Day. Yeah, so... We watched the goofy movie instead of me being lit down and I had to put a condom outside of myself. Good film. Yeah.

I like it. I like a lot. I like goofy lot. The Ruffalo does it spoil the goofy bag. Andrew, do you have it for a form? We didn't do one in the last episode. Do you think we could do one more? Do you have time for one more?

Yeah, of course. Ed is pretty level-headed about this advice. We've never had this level of a reasonable response that I feel like... Of course, these are real people. I don't want to, you know. I don't want to... They're not really. Fine, I'll be more fun with this one.

Yeah, come on. Okay, this is from Anne. Hi, Ann. Hi, Anne. Hello, Ann. Hello. They've recently moved to a new city for university. but doesn't really know anyone

and everybody wants to leave the house but wants to put themselves out there to socialise more and meet new people and find a friendship like Catherine and Helens okay I said I was going to have more fun with this one but I don't feel like I should also you don't want a friendship like Catherine and mine ours is based of work and it is not healthy

we neg each other and then we don't speak between podcasts okay well luckily we have both moved to different cities before so we have a big understanding of this. Have you ever moved to city? Went to university? Yeah. There we go.

And I completely understand this issue. I was very nervous about making new friends because I had a lot of friends at home. And none of those friends came to the same university as me. Did you feel disloyal to your friends from before? Or did you just feel like you weren't used to being without? I wasn't used to being without them. And I was like, I should strike out there on my own.

Yeah. Make some new friends. Yeah. My mum said to me, when you arrive in student halls, what you've got to do is you've got to put the kettle on, make a cup of tea. Mommy gamble. And leave the door to your room open.

And people will walk past and they'd be like, hey, what's going on? What's going on in here? Did, did they? So I never used to listen to my mum about anything. Right. But I was like, okay, well, it seems like. She thought the hype from the candle.

You know, people would smell the tea. It's really pure. It's so pure. It's my, I, um. Is that boiling water? It's when Ed Stowe's a shirt He's got a burnt kettle mark from water From years

So I bought the kettle a few times I don't really drink tea either Like a calling car Yeah just like We've got a reputation on the corridor For being an absolute psycho Has 15 cup of teas an hour Do you have a caffeine shake

And I left the door open I think after about an hour and a half Someone came in, pipe the head around the door And then went oh sorry And left again So pretty bleak So I do understand that I'm so sorry

It's just usually Some of mine's in a sad story And we help you just made it worried Yeah, that's crazy Yeah I'm really upset Oh my gosh Just the idea of you just by yourself

Like just Yeah sat on the edge of my bed Did you put out of any biscuits? I don't think I had any biscuits Like everyone walks, put my big Pulp Fiction Post room waiting to some friends to arrive. You're like in the American office when he has that party in his hotel room at the conference. And he's like, yeah, people have been coming in and out. No, you're all right.

Honestly, all evening, just people are like, oh. Yeah, eventually I went and just knocked on my neighbour's door, I think, and said hello. And he was, then I was about to say, could we please just make sure there's a happy ending so that this person, you know, should they try something that doesn't work the first time? You ultimately made friends. Yeah, I made friends. my next door neighbor on the corridor and we ended up being best mates for all of

uni and ended up preparing house. Men can do that, can't they? They're just like, well, you're near. He was like a really good bloke. So it wasn't, like I hated a lot of people on my floor, but he was a really good bloke. Also, they're so loud, they stayed up so late. I had to go. I didn't go university. I feel lucky for me here.

Things like this. I don't know. You're right to anymore. Yeah. With this castle being like, we're busy. Didn't you see, didn't see you running up and down this corridor? 4 p.m. Do you want to be friends? Yes or no.

Do you want to be friends? Well, keep it down then. My mother told me I didn't go to university but I was four years old and very nervous going to play group and know anyone and I was like very

very nervous and she went oh all you do is just take a deep breath and go over and say hi my name's Helen so I did that and I went Hoh

walked into Fleet Baptist Playgroup She was a heavy smoker at the time And then apparently I never looked back again That was it Yeah She barely spiked to me

From that point onwards I was just on my own thing And that's been your opening line To your axe Hoh-hoi-hoi-hoi-hoi-hoi-hoi-hoi-hoi-ho Can I just say though You made a friend You made multiple friends at university

Yeah, I do have a genuine piece of advice Please If it's at university There are systems for this There's clubs, there's activities You get out there You find something you think you might enjoy You go along, it's structure

You might meet someone within that structure I completely agree I do think the club Yeah At the university And I think the clubs are such a vital one Because with clubs there's usually an activity as well So even if you are by yourself

Even the first, second, third time There's something to do. And so then it's like, and also there's almost certainly somebody else there who's just like, oh, I don't know what I'm doing here. So I think that's absolutely a good shout. I do think like, because knocking on your neighbour's door could be more risky. If they're a dud, that's a nightmare. You're stuck with a, like, crap neighbour.

Well, that happens in the first year anywhere, I found. Oh, yeah. I heard this from everyone. You make a group in the first year from just like proximity usually. And then it's just sort of like you find your people by the end. Here's something I found out. Don't say that out loud to the friends you've made in the person. Oh, this is just for now, guys.

This isn't a keeper. Obviously, we won't be friends next year. We're like first year friends. We don't really get one. I did a very similar thing in an office once, which was like explained to this woman. I was having lunch with over lunch that the problem with the first person who wants to be your friend at work is usually that the person

who doesn't have anyone you've gotten there. She just got so sad. She's like, yeah, I guess I was pretty lonely until you were here. And I was like, yeah. So, like, that's what's more desperate, probably, like, bad company. And then hopefully you'll get ingratiated with the actual group, the fun group. Holy shit. So don't do that either.

It's a wonder we have friends. Yeah. A real wonder, whatever you do, just if you're feeling bad, if you feel like, you know, you're the only person without any friends. Just think, you'll never be as sad as Ed Gamble making tea for no one. Yeah. In a corridor, because his mom told him to. Just imagine that. Yeah.

Also, there's a nasty side of me, which is, like, try the tea thing. You know what? Like that all this time. For the inside of that, go walking along the corridors for boiling kettles. Yeah, you might be a real saddo. But club sounds like the smartest thing to do. Like joining a society. Yeah, and also like, the benefit of them is often as well.

In uni, they often give away like free wine, free food. So I ate a lot of my dinners of cheese and wine from the, like, free to the debate. Debate Society. Does you do a comedy society? Yeah, so that's what I ended up doing. Film socks. was auditioning for a comedy thing. Nice.

Although I went to the improvised comedy society and looked in the little peephole. I was a bit late and they'd started doing their warm-up and I just turned around and left. What were they doing? Like a theatrical... I was like, no. I'm not going to get on with any of these.

I did go to the drama stock and it was like, these people are not my people. This is far too cleaky for me. I did one production and was like, it's going to be a new. Well, then this is really easy. If you want a friend like Catherine, then join the debating society.

Yeah, and if you want a friend like Ed, join the Comedy Society. and drop out of uni. Yeah. If you're like a friend like me, go and work and accessorize on Oxford Street. On my first day as well, I'd also say,

just go and do something you've never done before and just give it a go. Yeah. And if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. I went to judo on my first day at the freshest week. I was not expecting that one. But you'd already done the tea thing.

How much shame can you take? Well, I was already in the bottom. Where else am I going to go from there? I went to judo. I turned up, everyone else there had done judo before. So they were just starting off their university judo. Yeah, no, it makes sense. I was way bigger then, so they didn't have a jacket that

fitted me. Oh, God, it's baby's first judo class, and he doesn't fit into the judo clothes. They're all, like, way below me, weight class wise, so I had to, like, spa with someone, but who was clearly amazing at judo, but they could not know me. So it's like, 55 minutes of them trying to sweep my leg and me

just stood there, sweating. And then I was like, thank you very much. Listening to this understands from the seesaws that we went through, people were like, no, it bounce back, and you're like, oh, I am! Yeah. So I was like, thank you for. very much with the judo, took the jacket off and never went back. But I'm glad I tried.

You know what it is? You're the best of judo. Yeah, exactly. It's completed judo. It's a trying, and friends will come. They just do. And just because you feel lonely, it doesn't always mean it's a friend thing. Like, you can feel lonely with friends as well.

And to quote Kathy Bates from the wonderful film, P.S. I love you. If we all feel alone, we're all together in that. And then Hillary Sank cries again. Also, if you have that thing of like, I don't want to go and. meet people and be gregarious and be outgoing, the chances are you will find someone who's like you as well and they're the best friends to have. You don't want

to be friends with the sort of people who go to all the events and mix with people. Staying up till 12 o'clock. Yeah, exactly. Tea times like four, thank you, four to five, and then we're done for the evening. Kill more girls and have a sleep. Yes, please. I can I just say also that if you get really desperate, there are very specific societies you can go to

who always care about just having numbers. So whether or not you are gay, the LGBT society will take anyone and oh we have to finish one sec and also any I mean

this makes for terrible podcasting and also any political party always desperate for the numbers right worst party you go to the better

join the BMP yes thank you so much join the BNP thank you thank you thank you Ed thank you Ed

Thank you.