Trusty Hogs - Ep90. JESSIE CAVE / Haircuts, Horoscopes & Hedgehogs

Episode Date: June 22, 2023

We welcome the brilliant Jessie Cave this week and get stuck into some true Hogs classic topics such like Primal Astrology, hair care, and Helen wanking. It was a treat of a 90th episode and Jessie is an excellent comedian, writer, podcaster and actor, who has been in everything from Harry Potter to Black Mirror...FOLLOW JESSIE: @JessieCaveThank you so much for listening!Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Guy Goodman / Simon Moores / Mary Fox / Annie Tonner / Sarah Jarque-Deakin / Oliver Jago / Stewart KerrPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Harald van Dijk / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Sarah & Molly / Raia Fink / Cordelia / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Graham Marsh / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Kie Web / Matt Sims / Luke Bright / Leah / Kate Spencer / Mae Williams / Tristin / Liz Fort / Taz / Klo / Becky Fox / Amie / Emily GeeWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hello, and welcome to episode. 90. 90 episodes of friendship and joy and love and smiling and Andrew and Catherine we we did it. We got to episode 90. We did it. I'd have said 90 episodes of learning and patience and growing and more patience and being spoken over and interruption and kindness and rising above and growing and learning and patience. Yeah we did it and survival. Did I say survival? 90 episodes. But look, look, if you're new here, this is episode one for you, I guess.

Yeah, oh my gosh. Oh my God, I'm Helen Bauer. I'm a comedian. And I'm Catherine Beauxhart and I'm a stand-of-comedian. And this is Andrew White, who's our producer, who's also a... Hello, a comedian. A comedian.

And this is Trusty Hoggs, an episodic series of podcasts where we... I know, isn't that exciting? Where we tell you about our lives, look, they're hit and miss. And then we try to solve you. problems are sweet listeners and in between that we have a celebrity comedian guest every week yeah and look occasionally we get our futures read by psychics occasionally it descends into madness but that's not to

say that it's not just a good podcast for fun and learning like all the other podcasts and it counts too and we're really proud of it I'm tired. Welcome to trusty hogs let's get into it yeah through the fog step for the trusty hogs yeah you're gonna get to get you're gonna get your problems and they will solve them or maybe they won't and that's your problem they'll have guests and Andrew White on the tech oh it's Helen and Catherine as the trusty hogs trust the trusty hogs or maybe not what's happening right now is it the heat or is it just like because you are like can I tell you what it is okay it's yeah the heat's getting to me sure but also Andrew yesterday I went to Helen's house for the day

and loved it I lived like Helen for a day and what I've realized is I I'm doing life wrong I feel like those girls in book smart when they find it everyone's having fun because two things I make my own ice lollies from scratch two things happened one one I saw how she lives and it's feral and two if you're talking about the bathroom no I was worried when you went for a week Yeah, I mean, there's a lot of hair in there that belongs on a man. That definitely snails.

It's not mine, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, what I mean is, like, you seem to just, like, sit in your garden, drink ice lollies, send Sunil out for ice creams. What to tell you during the day, you have just built water down yourself, yet that's happening as I describe your life as feral. And then simultaneously, she tells me about how much money she's actually saved. She's lying. She is saving.

She showed me her accounts, because I'm very invasive. Yeah, Catherine was like, have you doing your tax for this year? It's like, I thought we were hanging out. just a friendship, she's like, have you filed? I was like, I am going to want to see your tax filing. And I had to show my emails with my accountant to prove I was doing it. Yeah, well, listen, I wanted to analyze how your career is going based on last year with you. Really well.

Really well. But the point is this, to see somebody succeed professionally and financially, whilst also living like a child who gets taken care of, I was very resentful. So I think I've woken up this morning being like, why do I have to take care of myself? Why can't I be for? You can be for what? I can't, because then who would plan things for us, babe? And woo. I don't think he has time.

And woo. I don't have time. He doesn't have time. He doesn't have time. Okay, well, I'll help out then. Will you? No. Because also, I brought Hello Fresh to Helen.

Katna was coming in mind to chill out and have a fun time. She brought lunch that she would make for both of us. And like, what am I going to do? Argue for you not to do it? Well, what was quite funny is I was like, let me give you a little job and you were like, what? No, I thought you were making lunch for me. I don't want to help. I was like, it's your house. Babe, it's your house.

And I was like, she's a mastermind of getting shit done for her. Like, Sunil came in after you'd eaten all of his ice cream. That was an accident last week. That was an accident. What did you mean an accident? I was on my period and he had three almond, magnum, M&S, not Magnum, but MNS

style things in the freezer. And I went, I'm on my period. Can I have some chalky? And he went, yes. And then I was sad the next day, so I was like, can I have another one. Hate that you interrupted that story and yet again have to burp. Yeah, that's happened.

I'm sorry, I've got a bit of gas. And I'm like a baby. And then the third one, he was out and I was alone and I find it physically hard to be in a space with access to ice cream that I can't eat. It's, um, I tried to argue with him that I wasn't stealing it from him.

It's a mental health issue of compulsive overeating. But because we had a fight about a novelty size cookie that got delivered to ours, it was quite difficult. That fight had happened previously Why did I have to witness it again? Yeah, it's happened about four times. I had to call my agent up.

What happened? Oh, Hannah fucking Grant happened. Anna Grant happened. Now, if anyone's new here, Anna Grant is one of my lovely school friends. We all love Anna Grant. Hi, Anna Grant.

We know you're listening. Hi, Anna Grant. Anna Grant listened to Sunil's podcast about crypto. Yeah. It's really good. It's really good. Because she was researching for a job interview that she was doing, which she got.

Yay, we love to see a Girl Boss winning. Yes. And because listening to that was like a bit of research for it, she then decided to mail to my flat with Sinald Patel. His flat as well.

His flat as well. A novelty cookie. Yeah. Like huge, huge. Yeah. Saying like, congrats on the show. Here's to Series 2. Hashtag Crypto bruce.

I don't like that, okay? Yeah. Could have been for anyone. Could have been for. Could have been for anyone. And there was a little pack for hot chocolate in it as well. So I immediately, me and Saneal send her a video saying, oh my God, thank you so much. And then she responds being like, it's not for you.

It's not for Helen. I've included a hot chocolate so you don't feel left out, which I decided to not tell Sineal about that message. Because it feels like not to, the cookie one would not have existed if it wasn't for me. because I'm the reason they know each other. Well, no, because she could have listened to it on the radio. Yeah, but then she wouldn't have, like, you don't listen to a radio show and send a novelty cookie to someone you don't know, right?

Okay? So the cookie only exists because I exist. So you're taking commission? So I thought it was a 50-50 situation. My agent then rang while me and Sunil were in this fight and argued that it was more 70-30. For you? 30 for me, 70 for Sunil.

Okay, I was like, that's an amazing agent if your agent was like, we're taking 70% of the cooking. Soneil went to the toilet and somehow how it happened. Helen. There was a knife in my hands. Helen. It was open.

What flavor cook? Like double chocolate. Like it was insane right? And I was just, I was slicing. I don't even know what happened. To quote, cell block tango. I just woke up before I knew her,

there was blood all over my hand. I didn't know what I was doing until I was washing the blood off my hands. How much did it? Hang on. How much of his cookie did you eat? I'd say, according to anything, up 50-50. He locked it in his room.

I genuinely couldn't live with you. Yeah, no, I wouldn't want to live with me either. Weirdly, I had the most relaxing time at yours because you have to give into it. You have to. As soon as I got there, I was sweating so much. You put on my Ursula 19. That I put on your Ursula 19. Honestly, the second I slipped into that, cotton sort of cum-stained, bally

night dress, I thought I don't have to care about things anymore. It doesn't matter. You're at Helens now. I was at Helen's house. Do you feel like we're in friends? You know when Rachel and Phoebe have to like move in with either Monica or Joey. Yeah.

And they're like, Joey's and it drops all the food on the floor and it's like, you can leave it. You're at Joey's now. That's what I was like. It's honestly, I had Eminem's while I cooked lunch. I had an ice cream for dessert.

I had an ice lollia and coffee all the same time. That's how I knew you were getting into the spirit of things because you were cooking lunch and being like, oh, look at the treat bowl and your hand was in the Eminem's and I just turned around and I was like, she's in it. She's in it. Isn't it so nice? I will say this.

Okay. There's one thing at Helen's house I don't like. Oh, no. And I let it slide because I thought ultimately I can do this alone again at home. What did I do wrong? Helen. Yeah? And Soneil, I'd say.

What have we done? Have a home habit that I would not allow in my home. And it's not what you think. Andrew. I can't think what it is. We put on I kissed a boy, BBC eye player. You're welcome. It's a queer dating show about boys and the next one's going to be I kissed a girl.

And it's hosted by Danny Minogue and we were having a fabulous time. But guess what Helen does, Andrew? Talks through the whole thing. She talks over the fucking television. You talk through a quality reality reality television experience. Are you fucking joking me? I was talking to you as my guest. I was trying desperately.

I was making you feel welcome. Are you fucking mental? You were talking to Sunil for a lot of it. You were talking over all the important parts. You were talking over the intros to the cast. I'm trying to get to know them. I am, by the way, desperately trying to pause as we go, trying to pause as we go.

Desperty, you were pausing as we go. But I couldn't keep up with the number. I think. Yeah, because you kept talking you didn't get the hint. How did you re-wained it? We're watching. It's real.

Keep up. It's not my fault that I'm smarter and better educate it so I can follow a reality TV better. Name all the couples. Is there a Hugo?

There's no Hugo. There's no Hugo. Gariff? Yeah. Okay. Paired with. Troy? No.

There's not a good Troy. No. There's a Ross. There's a Ross. Yes, it's a Ginger. There's a little ginger called Ross who I'm very nervous for

because he's going to get a melanoma. That's the main one I remember. Who's he paired with? Well, paired with the sun and freckles. Who's he paired with? He's paired with. Who's he paired with Joseph? No, who's paired with Joseph? He is paired with Joseph. Well done. Okay, yes! Well done.

You got one, right. You got one. Name them. This is not good podcasting. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry, sorry. Sorry, sorry. This is just fighting. This is just two women. Should we do a compliment circle? Yes. Come on. Can I just say, number one. Thank you. for coming around my flat. Thank you for making yourself relax and be happy. Thank you for having

my ice lolly and for enjoying a nice relaxing time. And thank you for being so beautiful and talented. You was kind, you was smart, you was important. That was nice. It felt a little derivative, but I appreciate it nonetheless. You're welcome. Thank you for making such lovely ice lollies from orange juice. them myself. Very impressive. It's like suddenly we don't freeze them. You do, you do, you do. Very good. All right. Thank you. Shall I carry on? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And thank you for having coffee ready to go even though it was instant. Thank you for constantly topping up my iced water. You're very welcome. I liked being served water in a stine. I'd never do it myself. Very

novel. Stein of water. It's a litre. It just helps. Thank you for letting me cook my own food in your house. You're very welcome. I actually did enjoy that. And I provide I did extra salad. Extra cucumber, thank you so much. Oh, I guess in the Dechum Broccoli number. Very nice. I actually loved that. I'm actually very hungry now.

Can you tell? And thank you for making Sunil, pressuring Sunil into getting us magnums, even though he didn't want to. I feel like I just asked very casually. Thank you for screaming at Sunil until he got his ice creams because otherwise you said you were going to cry.

He was out and I think when a housemate leaves they bring that treaty, which is something me and Sunil do. I think Emma Black did as well. You come home with treaty for the other person. Because otherwise you'll kick off. Well, I like. treaty. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's very warm outside. Yeah, and thank you for letting me

wear your Ursula top. Thank you for wearing my assila top. You got to see my little butt. Yeah, well, I like it's a really good book. Thanks, I got a nice butt. And, um, and lastly, uh, thank you for letting me, introducing me to the show, um, and, and letting me enjoy Danny Minogue for the moments that you were quiet. Wow. Let's break. All right. Okay. But do you feel better? No, I feel, I feel. Fine. Thank you for being such a lovely host. I have a little drink at all times. You're actually a very relaxing vibe. If I want to watch something,

I will watch it by myself. This is why I watched Avatar The Way of Water alone on Sunday. That is too long a film for you. There's no way you watch that in one sitting. There is no way. Okay, with three sitting. There we go. There we go. Also, can I say this about you as a host? Go for it. Attemptive. I really,

very attentive to my hydration needs. But also, may I say, very good of you that, like, I got there. We were meant to be candle making. And I just was having the loveliest time you put up the umbrella from me in the garden so I was in the shade

on my picnic table and I was so relaxed that I was like really nervous to say it because I know that you don't like plans changing and I also know that you like to do what you want to do

I don't like plans changing well I know I don't like plans changing but I was nervous to be like oh god she's invited me for candle making what if I said I don't really want to I did not want a candle make and then it turned out to be such a relief because it was so hot

candle making you have to have a hub on with like flames all around you no fucking way We had a gorgeous time and didn't I make us a nice lunch? You made us such a good lunch It was really lovely. Hulumi kebabs.

Yeah, hey, I realize now that we they were just Hulumi skewers but I thought I'd say kebab and then she'd eat the vegetables on it too and she did, it worked. You fucking trixie bitch! Honestly, my favourite thing at the moment is making my own ice lollies.

I truly believe it. You're so good. You have a gift. You have a gift. And it's so hard to do because you have to pour the orange juice in and then freeze it and wait. I have news to tell you.

I have news to tell you. What did you do now? You're moving with me. No, can you breathe? No, okay. You know that I bought a car. I know because we're going on a road trip.

Well, I need to tell you something about that. We are going on a road trip, but I just want to flag to you. Oh no, what do you do? Well, no, I just want to flag to you that I'm quite nervous as a driver. That's fine. I'm quite a nervous driver. Like, so I went to pick it up and Adele Cliff very kindly came with me and was such a gentle support. She was so calm, even though I was making so many mistakes.

You're asking me to sit in the back seat, aren't you? I think you might have to. and also I've been practicing picking up Ellen from work and driving her to work and she says that I'm the only woman who could get a car and make it look uncool immediately because I sit so close to the steering wheel but it's just because I have short legs

and she also says that I look very stressed and I am quite stressed and I guess I drive with my shoulders like up about my ears and very close to the wheel so I'm a bit of a granny with it. You drive like the Simpsons, the stand-up Yeah, that's me but I genuinely am so frightened and I do my best

I don't know if anybody, Andrew, you drive and when you first started driving and suddenly there was nobody else there to like grab the wheel if there was an emergency did you feel frightened for the first few times because honestly there's like a screaming in my ears the first few times I've driven on I'm hoping it'll go away to it get better it definitely gets better I don't I don't remember too much of my early days of driving but yeah the confidence and sort of ease you feel at the wheel definitely grows okay I think it's also getting new like used to a new vehicle as well like surely like so my other car well the driving an instructor's car.

I didn't have a handbrake. It just had a button. So I pulled out, oh Jesus, I pulled out into a line of traffic. Fine, there was plenty of time. But my car wouldn't move.

And then suddenly there was a line behind me and they were fucking people and I couldn't. I was like, is it the gears? Am I in gear? Yes. Am I using the clutch? Yes. Handbrake.

Fucking handbrake was on. Sweet. But that will come with the rest of it. It was honestly so terrified. But I wish to know, I've like, obviously as a comedian, you do get in cars

with a lot of different people who have like a lot of different people who have like a lot of different confidence levels and like I've got close friends who are very like they're confident drivers but hate driving in London and we do just like no radio no music and it's just like slow instructions if you take a wrong turn

leave yourself with plenty of time because I would be fucking terrified okay that actually makes me feel by better maybe you can sit in their front then mainly because I when Ellie Salter first passed her driving test we went down a slip around to motorway the wrong way

shout out to Eleanor Schneid Salter you're thriving in every other way but my God I was nervous getting in that car and folks bug with you doesn't that reassure you? It kind of does

I will say this I will say this I getting on knowing my lane and getting on the motorway is really scary it's still really scary the other day I was driving

in Regents Park as I dropped out to work for rehearsal there and it occurred to me that I got to a traffic light but I never had this before the cyclist lane is continuous so I was like I don't know what to do here

I don't want to do now I go What do you mean? What do you mean? Like the cyclist was so crossing So you have to turn left But they have right of way They're going straight ahead Oh so you have to wait But I've never been there but you do

You have to yield to them But I and like now when I Google It's like obviously you yield to them Obviously the car should stop and wait till the bikes are gone But I was like I didn't want to be holding up the traffic behind me So I'm like I'm like Thank God I didn't go

The rationale goes completely from my brain when I'm behind the wheel and I'm like, I guess I just drive but you don't just drive. You yield to the cyclist, it makes a lot of sense. I yield to everyone as a passenger full stop. Yeah, I think even as a walking person, like, Sineal and me,

so we walk to this like pub near us a lot, a lot. And we have to cross like two major roads to it and he just goes. And I am like checking like no one's business. I cannot understand. It takes one step, people. I'm really scared. I'm hoping the fear will go away.

Please ride in if you were a nervous first-time driver and you've gotten better because I could hugely use the support. But if you want me in the back of the road trip while I get out of London. I actually feel having spoken to you like you'll be fine. Ellen and Adele had the same vibe. I think the other thing is it's not just a new car.

It's at the minute because I have no sense of direction. Yeah. Everywhere I'm driving is a discovery. I'm like, oh my God, this road is all new. And Ellen's like we've driven this four times now. But I'm like, this is wild. what there's a round about here she's like yeah it stays in the same place every day like so for me every road feels like a new experience and it is a lot of the time

and they're my first time driving anywhere of these places because I've only ever driven basically the same routes for my driving lesson oh god Andrew I wish you tell you can we hear about how you're keeping your car because obviously you were a bit nasty to Andrew a year ago well no my car's obviously cleaner than Andrews but that's because I I wrote a list in advance for a month I kept a list of things that I thought I'd want in the glove compartment and then if I thought of anything I added to it so currently my glove compartment has, sun cream, hand wipes, chewing gum, hairbrush. How big is it? I have a lot of these things in my glove books as well.

Okay. In my defence about the cleanliness thing, I was like, I've got a very clean car for a comedian. You do. But I forgot that I was talking to Catherine. So my apologies. I've got rubbish bags, chewing gum, handsan. I've got a cloth for the display screen. I've got my connector for my USB charger.

I've got all those things. And listen, the thing is, right, I am. And I've got a scent, obviously, coconut. Why are you laughing at that? Coconut. Why is that? It's just a coconut tent. Coconut.

Coconut. Everyone getting the coconut car. Well, I thought people would be wondering what do your car smell on. I like coconut. I like coconut. It's a nice scent. It's a nice scent. But can I say, I have to leave my car on the street. And the street I have to leave it on is, look, it's, one, it's a bit dodge. Okay. two I can't park in a tight space obviously because I'm like a female driver yeah

oh my god speaking up speaking up I went to park the car the first time on this road Adele was in the passenger seat beside me yeah she's been driving for 14 years yeah I was like I was fine I hadn't even started to park literally hadn't started to park but a white van came down the road so I was like all right let him pass yeah so I said yeah let him pass he passes but then parks up on the other side of the road gets out of his car and knocks on the and I was like he's like open the window open the window and I was like yeah and he was like I want to teach you how to park I was oh my fucking God I said no thank you and he was like I want to show you how to do it I was like I'm fine and he was like I'll just show you how to park and I was like

that's what she's for and I just closed the window but the idea that I was like you don't even know I don't have pee signs on my car there's nothing to tell you I hadn't started the maneuver and then failed he was just like woman stuck there I It was like a parody of male. Please tell me you immediately crashed into five-bar. No, I parked it in a few attempts. But my point is this, because there's only the one road I'm allowed to park on, I have to park at the least desirable point,

which is obviously like the furthest point down the road. So I park and then we walk basically as long as it takes to get to a tube, but park to my head. Well, the good news is if you ever get a parking ticket, you know that Andrew's got you covered. Yes, Andrews. I bet you're gagging to go back to court. Oh, absolutely, cannot wait.

Cannot wait. Oh, my God. So that's what's going on with me. So let us know. Not my area of expertise. You're on your own, sorry. Well, it's something to think about, isn't it? Yeah.

Should we have a wonderful guest? Yeah, I think that's probably for the best. But I think we're going to have a wonderful road trip. I don't want you to be nervous with me in the car. And also, if I am a bit jumpy, then you can just pop me in the back. Okay, great. This is the nicest introduction to a guest we've ever had. Normally, it's like...

You slut fat bitch! Oh, sorry! Hey, that's mean. There's a traditional nose dive. Yeah. I'm sorry. We'll say something nice. Andrew and Kathleen, you lied up my life like nobody.

Please welcome to the podcast, the one, the only. Jesse Kaye, everybody. Hello, Hogs. It's Catherine. I'm going to the Edinburgh Fringe. I'll be there from the second to the ninth at Monkey Barrel at 12 o'clock. I'd love to see you. I am also recording, though, my own radio show in two parts, but it'll all be recorded in one go at the BBC tent. There will be tickets very soon available

on the BBC website. Please keep an eye on that because what I would desperately love is for people who actually like my comedy to be in the room. It's a big room, but the tickets will go fast because they're free. So it's between, I think we're recording from four to seven. I could be wrong about that, but double check on the BBC website on the 9th in Edinburgh. And I would genuinely love to have you there. So please, I'll put out the link when it comes up, but put the dates in your diary, and I'll see at the Edinburgh Fringe. And after the Edinburgh Fringe,

I'll be doing two nights of my work in progress at Soho Theatre. So if you're not coming to the Fringe, on the 22nd and 23rd, I'll be in London's Soho Theatre, and I'd love to see you there. What's up, hogs? It's Helen Bauer here. Just to let you know, I am going on tour this year. It's starting in Edinburgh.

I'll be there from the 14th to the 27th, and then I'm hitting up Europe. I'm hitting up Paris. Halim, Copenhagen, the places you've been begging for me to go. And then all around the UK, apart from Wales, for some reason I don't have a Welsh date yet. So please, if you're in Wales and you have a venue, just let me know and I'll just come there. We'll have a bit of fun. All the tickets are available on my website and I'd love to see you there and please bring Helen Gifties.

Thank you so much. Goodbye. sister doing a podcast. You actually are? Are we recording? Are we recording? Are we recording? No, she is. No, she's.

And actually we decided we could only to have one of you. We'll never even look at her again. Oh, God. Yeah. But that's, do you feel like when you do a podcast without me now, do you feel like you're doing a bit

and the other person isn't doing the bit back? No, I don't think if you was a sister. Oh, my God. Welcome, Jesse Gay! Welcome! You must feel weird. You must feel weird. I did a podcast for the weekend

and they were like asking about like moments that I felt like deep shame and like basically I had an incident recently where I work up in a corridor pissing myself naked and I'm fine now um but like you just nodded like yeah that seems right yeah yeah it's like I'm okay you know the hotel the new town in Sydney oh it's such a nice hotel well no no no I had a bad time actually yeah do we eat onto the plants not no not in the circular on the fire escape on the side that opens onto the street that side okay cool yeah busy road isn't it we're all having fun

And they were asked about and I was like, well, I can't say that because I've already said it on a podcast. And then I was like, I'm trying to sort of like vaguely tell it. So I was like, I've already said it on my podcast. But they were like, no, we really want to hear about it. I was telling them. And they were just like, oh, right. I'm just disgusted instead of being like you who's like,

you fucking disgusting. Oh, you're pissed up bitch. I think, I don't know that that's exactly what I'm. No, Andrew, I'm sorry. You can clip it up. I'll play the quote now. Yeah. Jesse Gabe, how are you?

I'm okay. Yeah. I'm not great. I'm here to bring the negativity. No, that's not, that's not negative. How can anyone do great in this heat? No, one can do. I'm, I really struggle.

I do struggle with my outfits. It's just my outfits. I don't mind the heat so much. I just, I can't bear to wear anything other than 100 downy air black tights. Oh my gosh, yes, me too. Why can't I cover my legs at all times? And also, I'm incapable of finding something to wear or having complex thought. The only thought I have at the moment is,

it's so warm. I'm warm all the time. Are you sweating? I'm sweating. I just want to change of clothes every five minutes. I've had two showers already today. Whoa, right. But you are in a different situation to both of us

because you've got longer hair. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, do you ever just think shave it for the beginning of summer? All the time, but my have such a terribly, like, I have one side, like, I have one big ear. I would not see a shaved hair. Oh, is it a million, is it bad?

No, I just have, I'm not symmetrical enough to have a shaved head, and also I just don't have the time to even shake my head. So, like, my hair is honestly past my vagina. That is, what a great metric. What a great metric. You may be a Lamas Morissette thing. Yeah.

Yeah. That I'm worse than that. That's amazing. And it's only because I don't have time. Isn't it so funny how we all measure our hair? I always measure my hair based on nipples. I'm like, as long as it's beyond my nipples, I'm fine. I always want to be able to do tada.

Yeah. If I can't do today, what's the point? And I cut it above them recently and I was like, well, what? There's no show here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll never do it again. I always want a curtain reveal. Also that means your hair's going to get longer as you guys.

older, surely, the more your nipples go down, they're more you're chasing it, like some sort of mad witch. You're dead right. Because already my nipples are a lot further down than yours, because they're big, so the gravity thing. So, like, I'd have to be so far down to cover it. And then there's a dark, my hair's not thick enough. Like, because I've got, like, they're there.

Do you know what I mean? Like, no baby's getting their mouth around that. Like, it's, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you not have time because you have four kids? But the last time I got my haircut was in 2018. What? How are you being healthy? No, I had a hairdresser. And the reason, I've had terrible trauma experiences at hairdresser.

I don't have time to get into. No, no, no, no. Hey, look, I want you to feel safe then, to speak your truth. I think I want to pick, like, I don't feel like I should go into my hair trauma story this early on. But I will say, pick your traumas, babe. Pick your trauma, that's fine. You know, when you see yourself in a photo and you're like, who is that? That's not me. Yes. I went into a hairdresser thinking, oh, I just have for a change, I'll have, I'll have some lay.

I have some long layers and I'll have I have some highlight low light and I'm still not brave enough to get my hair dyed so whenever I get any highlights I do them like under the parting so you basically shouldn't even

there's no point in you're having them but he took a photo it was at the beginning of people starting to like be very brazen with their social media so he set up a tripod behind me and I was like okay fine and the tribe the image

the before image and he put it on Instagram didn't ask my permission No, unacceptable. Tagged me because we inevitably got into a conversation about Harry Potter and I said, I had to be like, well, I was in it. So he found me on Instagram.

No. He tagged me. And the before image is like the character in Adam's family. You know, they're like just the, what is it? Cousin' It. That's amazing. So awful. So just a hairy bush.

That's all of it. It's the thing. And it made me just so upset seeing this image. that I just don't, I've never been able to go back in. And you know when you say something to a hairdresser like, listen, I don't want to be offensive, but I need to do my own, I need to brush my own hair after you wash it

because it's really naughty and it takes a long time. And it's like, no, no, I'll do it. And they kill you brushing it. So every time I've gone on, I've just offended a hairdresser, but offended by them. You know, Helen won't get her nails done with me anymore because I want to have.

I can't, I'm sorry, I can't. I just, they're doing their job. I can't comment on it. I can't. Catherine takes the file out of that. hands and goes, I have to double chat. Can I do my own chasing? It's so awkward. No, I'm dying. I hate it so much.

I'm sorry. Nobody can file my nails in the right shape. I know that because you sat in mine yesterday, ended them for 20 minutes. But that's why I say, hey, is it a call of I file them? I'm not asking them to That's so assertive. That's amazing. I'm not asking them to like correct their work. I'm asking to do a little bit of the work for them.

Can I smile them? Because one, I'm sorry, you're not preening your dick when you're a manicurist like I am, right? First of all. Second of all. You don't have OCD. All I'm saying is it's cool if I just shape them so that we don't have to do the thing

where they do it, it's wrong. Then I have to take so much length off at fixing it. Yes. I completely on board with that. Thank you. I think you guys are psychotic bitches who refuse to allow anyone

to just do her own thing. Okay, Aleo. My moon is in Leo. No, I'm a tourist. So I would do that. I would do that. No, it's contested at the moment that Hitler was a tourist

and not on Ares. It's the whole thing. Well, I think I'm more Ares. I'm an Ares. Really? I just, oh, can we just talk about star signs the entire time. I was having such a nice

time. In general. I've got lucky with hairdresses at the moment. I've got the nicest girl and we're just sort of like just whatever you want and she makes it because I don't really know anything but I definitely got too ambitious when I was younger and you know when it's like I went through that thing of like any American on TV I was like that's who I want

to be. Yeah we won't be there. I was the best bedroom like the parent trap bedroom. It was insane right and I genuinely thought that Mary Kate and Ashley and me were triplets and I'd gone missing. I I read the books of their TV shows. Yeah, obviously. What?

Because they were so good. Oh my gosh. Their film catalogue is, first of all, phenomenal. Thank you. You weren't in it. Triplets, thank you. Secondly, one where they come to London to do the Model UN competition, I think changed my life. I was like, oh, this is who I am now.

I can't believe I haven't seen that, given that I was, I am, I wanted to be Mary Kay, Olson. We all wanted to be Mary Kay. Yeah, poor Ashley. Didn't want to be Ashley. I'm sorry, as a triplet to be Mary Kay. them. I felt like I was in the middle of the two of them. The bridge. The bridge. Do you think they're jealous of Elizabeth?

Who wouldn't be? She's younger, she's fresher and she's more like respected artistically without the trauma without the trauma of being a child star 100%. I think that they purposely and actively chose to step out of the limelight and are very much following their truth with fashion and also their

and old men. And old men. And old men. Oh, God. Oh, my God. With like the president of Nicholas Arcozy. His brother. His brother. Fair play. They're political. And then they got divorced.

And then they got divorced. They served plates of cigarettes at their wedding. Oh my God. So good. No, Helen. I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't promote it, but like, yes, please.

Could you imagine just the plate of Vogue's coming around? And then I want to tell about my haircut I got. Oh, yeah, sorry. And then I got, okay. So this is like, this is the dynamic. When you're speaking, Helen's just waiting to talk. She's not actually listening.

I have a lot of fun things. the same. Okay, good, good. So this is all like hairdresses. And you know, when you just get your like haircut in like your mum's friend's garage and she'd have a mirror up and she'd be like, it's my salon.

It's like, all right, Christine, you're fucking mad bitch. So we went there. Lost you there. But yeah, God. Okay, well, close enough. Yeah, we all get the vibe. And I took in a magazine that had Mary Kay and Ashley in it when they had that do where it was like little flicky bits.

Just like all the way down. I have naturally curly hair but I was like this is 100% what I'm supposed to look like. I will upload a picture on our Instagram when this comes out and you will be disgusted. But it is like a broad. block with like one big flick like this and I'm like that's bad I didn't know it was bad because I thought it was so fit I was like I'm the coolest eight year old out there everyone's gonna like

fucking get confused that's sweet you're probably at this stage where your kids are getting their hair cut yeah that makes me so happy though to think of you being like boldly happy with that haircut that's so lovely that you hadn't got ruined yet no I was like I am everyone's gonna be like freaking out of school tomorrow oh my gosh that's so like oh my god here she come Lose the confidence. Did you ever lose it? My friends, like people are trying to take it out of me by still misconstrue stuff all the time.

Did she ever lose the confidence? Jessie, have you met Helen? No, she's fine. But I always think that's so great. Yeah. Because like, well, I found out a couple of years ago I was bullied at school. Oh my God. I just, I'd missed it. I'd missed it entirely.

Who told you? My school friends, they were like, no, no, no, you're definitely bullied. And I was like, oh, okay. I think I was just a bit too thick to notice. I was like, I guess we're having banter. Yeah, I thought it was all bad. I fuck yourself that Helen That's incredible

Come to my party My kids No I I'm so waiting for them to Every day after school And I'm like what what trauma will they have had today What trauma will they have? Is that because you had a traumatic time at school? Just all terrible like just

You know I don't think I for one day ever liked school No Yeah awful but some kids But I think that's I now accept that that's just That's probably quite a majority of people. Were you a loser? I was a...

Helen! Well, you have to ask! You have to ask. You have to ask. You have to ask. Do you think I was a loser? No, I think you went through an emo phase and I think you hit it up too hard.

No, I never went full emo. Okay. No, I never went full emo. I would have liked to have had, like, I would have liked to have gone further into being one type of thing. Oh, were you like a new scratchy every six months new personality?

No, no, no, I just wasn't, I did a lot of sport. So I did swimming and tennis up until I was like, like, too, I had missed out on the early friendship bits. So it meant that when I then finally stopped sport when I was like year nine, I was already, I was so innocent.

So I'd missed out. So like then I ramped it up to try and catch up. Yeah. And had a terribly, like, terrible time. Wait, when you ramped it up? I rammed. Like, I've got an idea in my head. I'm hoping I've got it wrong.

So you're year nine, so you're age 13. tune, you're like, I better catch up. Well, you know, you just choose, so I was quite adaptable, so I could have chosen the losers. Yeah, or I could have chosen the cool girls. I chose the cool girls, should have chosen the losers. Yeah, we were way more fun. I should have chosen losers.

We were a much kind of group. I still have those friends today. Yeah. But I chose the cool girls, and they all hate me and I all, I hate them. And if I see them in the street, it's just, I get flashbacks of, you know. But don't you think you have to have a bad time in school in order to be a good creative? I do. I do think it just forms you?

Yeah. I think all, I do believe like all experiences just make you, all bad experiences you can funnel into something. Yeah. And that is definitely my therapy. So when I meet people who had a good time at school. Thank you. When I'm you really having school, but the thing is...

I thrived. I really thrived. Yeah, well. Did you love all school? Even like six forms? I mean, academic wise, no, I stopped attending. Oh, right, okay. But academically, I was not very good.

good. Like I wasn't passing any exams, not doing very well, but I loved, like, this is where I'm going. This is who I walked to school with. Like, I'd go around Emma Black's house every morning. She loves being busy. She does love keeping busy. I'd hang out with Sue and Adrian Black, and then me and Emma Black would walk to school, stop off, get some friends on the way, niche Jim and Putra, the whole gang. We'd go to school. We had two 20 minute breaks, end of school, and then we'd just like, go home. What you liked was a schedule? Yeah, or just the hang. So you didn't worry about your future? I did when I was 14, I had

a crisis and I decided, it's all right, I'll be a speech and language therapist and I'll study at Reading University. And then my mum had to have the chat with me that to go to university, you need to pass an exam and I failed everything. So we decided that that wasn't for me. So I worked from accessories on Oxford Street instead.

She used to wink there. Whank there? Yeah, she wanked away. Yeah, in the bag, stock room. Have you talked about have you talked about this in a podcast before? You had like the wanking and accessories. I've wanked everyone. Okay, there is no way you can find. We're just off Oxford Street right now. I've wanked in about five locations within like a mile rate.

What year did you work in Exeteries then? 2009. In 2009, I was working urban outfits at an Oxford Street. Shut the fuck up. Oh my gosh, that actually is your divide, by the way. I was working at Nature's Way, which was the Irish version of Holland and Barrett. You must know about so many vitamins. I really do.

I really do. You're incredible. I know. We're all completely on. Urban outfit is really good. Yeah, that's a crowd. That's so you. It was full-time retail. Yeah.

And in 2009, oh my God. By the end of that, I was just like, no, no, no, I have to do something else. We have to make this creative stuff work. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I liked it because I had a couple of friends doing different shops. I had my friend Ria was in Jack Wills on Floral Street, and I was like, she's the coolest one out of all of us, and then all of my accessories hans.

It was great. I loved it. Did you get free hoops and stuff? Baby, it was a seventy-five, yeah. I was literally about to be like, no, it was a 75% discount. We took everything, everything. You know, Arbenapas had the cool t-shirts.

Yeah. So when I decided I was going to quit, and by this point, I'd worked at the High Street Ken one and the Oxa Circus one. Oh my God, so you were like lifer. Yeah, and I had, you had a discount, and I thought, all my brothers, they love this t-shirts. I love this t-shirts, so I'm going to,

before I quit, I'll go and buy loads. Yeah. But I had stupidly already put in, my notice and also because I'm I'm not a people pleaser but I don't like to be a quitter or wrong so I thought oh you're really fun

why didn't think all girls at school not like you you seem great so I thought well I'll do is I'll make things that no I can see why I didn't work out like I was both bully to school and it's like I'm a queer and I have to be right and I'm not a fucking people pleaser oh here comes a girl that's ignored us for three years

playing tennis and I refuses to quit I might cry so be careful Okay No no no I'm taking No no no no no No no Helen

That's why Helen Are you going to cry Helen What do we do when somebody else cries You cry Let them cry And let them cry

And listen Oh that's so nice People cried On the podcast Not on air We can edit We can edit Avoiding your

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or what that clunking sound from your dryer is. With Thumbtack, you don't have to be a home pro. You just have to hire one. You can hire top-rated pros, seed price estimates, and read reviews all on the app. Download today. Hey folks, it's Mark Bitman from the podcast Food with Mark Bitman. It's hard for me to believe we're talking about back to school,

but whether you're thinking lunch boxes or nourishing dinners, Whole Foods Market is the place to shop, and their high standards allow you to shop with confidence. Their house brand, 365 by Whole Foods Market, has everything you need for quick and convenient breakfast, lunches and dinners from oatmeal to trail mix to wild fish sticks. Explore the many ways you can save on back-to-school foods at Whole Foods Market. No, so I wrote a letter being like, the reason I am having to stop working at urban output is because I feel like whoever the woman was, like Karen or whatever, has been extremely rude.

to me and she had she been like slightly bitchy. Do you know what, this was before everything was like very, like, you know, now I'd be able to absolutely get like, you know, like I feel like really like upset with how she spoke to me and it would be like, like for my mental health, like I don't feel like that is not a healthy relationship. Back then it was like, I couldn't have written about my mental health.

No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They'd be like, wow, like yikes, thank God. The gates, I got a gun. So I played that before I could have. Respect. And I got out and but then as I go to buy the t-shirts. Yeah.

And I had like 15. I'm one of five. I had like a lot of t-shirts. Yeah. I got stopped at the gates. Like at the barriers and they were like, hand in your pass now and you're not buying these t-shirts. It was so.

And now whenever I walked past, so I'd gone to the comic garden one because I thought that's the only one I haven't worked in. Smart, smart, yeah. But they had called ahead when they, They scammed my pass. They called, when I handed in my, like, employee thing to get the discount, they realised there was something wrong with it.

So they called the branch to find out why this was making it. And then they walked the door ahead of me. It was so awful. That is so humiliating. I hate that. I find it embarrassing when my bag just beeps. And I know I've got nothing in there. And I'm like, oh my God, I'm like, this is so bad.

Oh my God, that's so cheap of them. I know. Wow. Wow. So they're very, you know, they're tight with their t-shirt. Little do they know that you could have been promoting their brand for them now. Exactly. Well, more fool them. Holy shit.

What did you get for discount in the vitamin stuff? Did you get nuts free? Yeah, well, I got lots of those. Did you get nuts free? Well, because one of my favorite snacks is still, they're yogurt-covered almonds. Oh, God, no, I can't even eat them too good. They're unbelievable. They taste like Kinderweens, so I can't have them because I, yeah, I'll eat all bad.

Do you ever done the smoked almond when it tastes like bacon? So good. It's so. It was so good. Honestly, they do some of the greatest snacks in there. Really, really good. Yonka covered anything. Yeah, I agree. But anyway, I was there for a while and then I was also, I also worked in Karen

Millen where you had to buy Karen Millen outfits for your uniforms. So good. And let me say this, at 10 a.m. on a Wednesday morning, a 19-year-old girl in what, let's face it is a, you know, a brand designed for women, either going to parties or work, is a bizarre brand to be wearing. I had so many like incredibly tight booby dresses for like black tie events that I would wear on like Tuesday morning as being like going into Tesco for my lunch first and then being like, hey girls. And also you had to buy these brands even though like they're not designed for women with no tits. Like Karen Millen is a brilliant brand of you have boobs

but really bad. They've actually got a wonderful curve collection. They really do fair blades than they actually do. It's surprising. But it is like, it's for a different kind. I was such a tiny titted, tiny girl. So what was the, where did their bras start? Oh, they don't have bras, but my oh, you mean they're all the dresses, all the dresses, all the waistcoat. So yeah, really hellish. So I would

just be like, it was, I was not a good advertisement for the brand and I didn't enjoy the job, but you did have to pay for your uniform. So I own a lot of Karen Mill and waistcoats. I think everyone should walk in retail for a bit. Oh, well, yeah, it's good for your spirit. and all, like, all hospitality.

I think they're interchangeable. Like, it's the same vibe as, you know. I need to just see what goes on behind the scenes, like with ketchup and mayonnaise and stuff at restaurants. See, amount of people who shit in dressing rooms. Did you, it's crazy. Well, actually, we didn't have dressing rooms that accessorized. They would just put earrings in.

What? I just suddenly thought we were talking about it. What do you mean? Shit in dressing rooms. People will go into the dressing room and do a poo. At Karen Millen? Yes. No.

Yes. We're just like on the floor. Where was this Karen Millen? In Dublin, in BT2, in Blanchestown, people would just take a shit. On the floor? Yeah. Also, there was that time, it was like... No, on the hook.

What did you want it to be? You got on the floor and that was the worst option. Like, down the curtain. No, I'm just trying to think, like, there's no toilet there. No, there isn't a toilet. No, it's not a toilet, Jesse. Yeah, that's my point. It's like, the crazy thing about it is, it's not a toilet.

It's a dressing room. I cannot believe that. Yeah. Oh, my God, it was foul. Also, like... thinking about poo on a hook. Just hang that up there. That has been a solid poo.

It was really, really, really bad. And also, it was the height of, like, it felt like the height of, um, of, what's the word I'm looking for? When you see even a shop, um, Steely. Thank you, shoplifting. Oh my God, she's not smart.

Um, of shoplifting. But in that era where like, I don't think people had figured out the wonders of tinfoil yet. So they had just got, people had just started coming in with giant bags lined with tinfoil. Wait, wait, wait, what's the tinfoil? thing. Okay, so when you line your bag with tinfoil, if they have those security things that

stops them beeping. Stop it. So there would be women. You would watch on the camera and it was like a fancy shop. So like rich, lucky women with giant handbags would come in and they'd be putting out those seven or like those true religion jeans, you know, the ones that were like really expensive. They put out a stack of true religion jeans and you just see a woman

on the camera, just open her bag, put the entire stack on true religion jeans in and walk out again. And on the one hand it was like, that's atrocious. But on the other hand, because I've never seen it before, I was like, they're geniuses this is insane they can do anything women can really have it all so yeah a wild time working in B2DU what did you call um if you thought there was a thief in the shop what was your code word for it my code word was I get paid seven pence an hour I'm not looking at or even dealing with those what are you talking my code words

we had Charlie oh my god Charlie so like all the different like parts of exacerbation they'd be like all the Rangers have like a different name like Jasmine Snowflake or whatever and then they'd like move around and you'd be like Charlie's and Jasmine so we'd know exactly where it was and Charlie there was no Charlie at our workplace but Charlie was the name of you thought someone was dealing of that no so I remember they used to try to train us in like dealing with like stopping people from leaving the shop and I was I remember even at 19 having enough the wherewithal to be like we get paid so little to work here I am absolutely not wrestling some woman to the ground your guys's ability to stand up for yourself I know that young age is brilliant I think I would have thought the same I would have been in that's not what I'm doing. That's not my job. Are you a people-pleaser then, do you think? Because that's a part of people-pleasing. Maybe. If I can offer a suggestion, I don't think it's a people-pleasing thing. I think you thought you were a spy. I think you had delusions of grandeur. I left Mary Kate and Ashley. I was actually

one of the spy kids. Yeah. Just absolutely not. But I was also very good friends with Norman, the security guard. Oh, yeah. He taught me Urdu. We had a wonderful time together. That's so sweet. And his twin brother worked in the monsoon across the road. Aw. Well, you're just like, I think it's a very different, like, I'm just not like a social,

I'm not a social butterfly. You seem like a, you know, that, you excelled in that kind of community aspect of working in a shop and like having the friends and different, whereas I was just like, I would go in, stand behind the tills, stay there for eight hours, not talk to anyone, and then go home.

Oh yeah, I try and get them to teach me all their different languages. That's amazing. I wish I was like that. Whereas I only made friends with the girls of the Mac counter because they would do my face. whenever I wanted to go out and it was honestly unbelievable a big fake tanning phase for me so getting somebody to match that foundation wise was a phenomenal thing yeah what a question i have a question too oh wait is yours really good because mine's just average i think i really well okay i just wanted to know because when jesse came in she said she she had thought she felt like she knew you from instagram

can we tell some of that story are we allowed we can cut it out if not yeah well i already followed you on instagram ages ago i've been a fan of the doodles for years yeah me too to be fair. I'm OG, I'm OG. I'm an OG Jessica. Oh, before sunrise, don't I. That's so nice because I've gone like, um, back to doodling. I know, it's so exciting. I lost part of myself. I just lost part of myself and I was like, I mean, I don't know. We could talk for ages about Instagram in general, but like I found the last year online so hard. Until you found me. Until I found you. And Jesse Cave ahead. How did you find Helen Bauer? I found you. This is my favorite story. Because you were on a trip. Yes.

with, let's just say, somebody I know. Yeah. And I was interested in their activity. And so I thought, well, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, you know, they aren't that prolific online. Yeah, but you. So you followed me to see if you could ever, then you fell in love with me.

And I was like, I'm gonna stay. Oh, wow. I was gonna do, I find it, don't you find it slightly eerie when someone doesn't follow you, but they look at your stories. But who checks who's watched their stories? Oh, come on.

Are you joking? Are you joking? It takes so long. Like every now and again there's like one person I want to see a story. I give up halfway through. I'm like it's not worth that. Are you wild? I do the first bit, but I don't like some, in my, in some neurotic days, sometimes,

maybe I have gone through thousands of people who've looked at my stories. Yeah, me too. Maybe I was just, oh my God. Oh, we'll just put that back there. One, one thing I do feel like they need to, if they're going to start doing little add-ons, like playing a song for the moment, or, you know, like, all of the little flourishes they think they're adding

that's going to improve our lives. One thing that would improve our lives. It's typing one name to see once they've... Searching your stories. Oh, wow, yes. How much does this person look? But the thing is, right, can I, not to be the devil's advocate,

but that is my job because I'm just one of those gals. If some, if you have that power, they then have that power as well. I know, and that's the thing. And I click people's stories very fast. And I genuinely like to think, oh, you just fly through them. Yeah.

So does that mean it doesn't come up? I just, I just clicked through things. I'm not even watching them necessarily, but I'm just like clicking through. Oh no, Helen's like she's watching, but it means nothing to her basically is what you're saying. Whereas I... Oh, I thought you were doing that so that you...

You don't get seen. We have the same mind, Jesse. So in my head, how I think it works in... I'm not actually really here. I'm not really here. How I do it is I'll unblock somebody, like, say like a person that I used to know, and then watch their stories

and then block them again and hope that they don't know that I watch. Is that true? Oh my God, that's amazing. Does that mean that they won't see that I watch? I'm just going to say, I think most people who aren't in this, Leo mad mindset.

I don't think everyone is like checking it that intensely. I don't, I think that you're the anomaly here. Yeah, I think they are joking. I would ask you to lower your arm and calm down. I'm so, I'm, this is such a tense topic. Okay, okay. I feel like we're all screaming right now

and everyone needs to calm down for a second. Okay, well, here's how I like to think of it. I like to think that yes, sure, I check who's watched my stories. Yes, sure, I watch my ex's stories and I hope that they haven't checked it. And I just like to believe that they do, do it differently to how I do it and that's fine.

Yes, I dip in with people all the time. Sorry, because I mean people I used to know. I don't think they're checking if you've seen it or not. I think they are. Someone sometimes is significant to you, you're not significant to them. You wash your makeup. What are you saying? What are you saying?

Sometimes you think that someone's checking up on you. I would ask you to lower your tone. Okay, I would ask all of us to calm down. Because I'll say this, for feminism, this is not a good chat. I know, I know. We look mad. I'm not here. for the, I mean, I'm not on this podcast.

I am the worst feminist known to man. No, I agree. Women and deserve equal pain. Yes, that's true. Yeah. But what I find really hurtful is when I realize that my boyfriend looks at people's stories. And I'm like, because I see sometimes.

This is going to get so bad. Jesse, look at me. Ignore her. Look at me. We are, everything you've said to me makes total sense. Okay, good. So I see sometimes. We're just normal women trying to get through the world.

Thank you. Psychopathic. see that he's looked at people's stories and I'm like hang on a second why are you looking at their stories why do you still follow them yeah and he's like what it doesn't matter does it yeah very much the helen approach yeah it doesn't matter it's nothing I'm just I'm just looking and I'm like to them that is you saying that you love them still yeah and you need to stop yeah yeah yeah so you think that everyone the watches your story yeah is making a statement that they are in love with you yeah if you if you if you

if they've loved you before, surely. Yes, if they've loved you before, then I'm looking at your story. Here's example, yesterday, my housemate, when you look, right, I get it. It's a rose. It's a rose. It's a rose.

It's a rose. It's a rose. My housemate took a picture of him drinking protein with Catherine in the background, and he uploaded that. And then you shared it. So you think that everyone that watches your story of the protein bottle

and you in the background is saying, I'm in love with you. No, but all of her exes. But any of my exes would have been, yeah. And also, Sunil and I, in that process, We're flirting.

We're flirting. And I'm telling you now, you better hope a witch hunt doesn't come back because I'm accusing both of you first. There is no way you weren't going straight on the stake. We would dren so hard. I wouldn't even whiskered drowning with you. I want to see you burn.

I want to see the full thing happening. Yeah, Jesse's two athletic. She's swim. This is insane. The worst thing is I know it's insane. And I know it's such a colossal waste of the very little bit of time that I have, but I just can't stop.

And it means so much to me. And that is happening. And that's how her hair is. That's why I look so strange, but that is also why I follow, that's why I follow you. I wouldn't have followed you if I hadn't been in, look at that, an neurotic face. So you're in love with me? Well, you know, I did, it was definitely like, you know, I decided. Not, I obviously I knew of you before, but like I was like, I'm just going to suss her out.

I'm going to stalk her a little bit on stories before I make the, the bold follow, you know? Harnessing? Andrew, do we have a listener problem that isn't about how they filmed The Little Mermaid? That would be awesome. That's our entire inbox in the place. Hey, wait, before we do the problem,

Jesse Cave, sorry. Jesse Cave, how good an advice giver are you? I think I'm, I think I'm, I would say I'm quite good. Yeah. I think in another life I would have really liked to be a, like a pep talk manager type role.

Like a life coach? Yeah, like I love. I love, I love seeing people's lives and be like, right, this is what you're going to do. This is what you're going to do. I'm quite good at that. Oh my God, you're the same person. Yeah, we can't take advice, but we can give it. We do not want to hear your input on us.

We don't want to self-adalyse. We won't be changing our behavior. But by goodness me, can we tell you how to run your life? Absolutely. That's me. That is me too. I get it. Holy shit.

Okay, well, then let's solve this problem. Good love to this sweet listener that's written in. You're about to have some very rigid advice. I would ask me to follow. The world is black and white. There's an obvious solution here. You're either a good person or a bad person. And it's about working hard.

Ready, Andrew. This is a career advice. Oh, good. From who? From G. Hi G. Hi G. And it says, hey, hoggies, love the potty.

Thank you. No, I hate that. Great rhyme. I love it. Hey, Hoggys. I hated it. Why, it's so cute. Hope you can maybe offer some advice.

I'm in my lateish 20. and feel trapped in the career path that I'm in. Here we go. It's nursing or something shit like that. You never know. I don't mind my job, bracket's office job, but it's not the long-term career path I'd like,

and I feel like I fell into this path. I'm grateful to be in full-time work where I feel comfortable, but I've always dreamt of having a creative career. However, I'm one, unsure which path to take, which is leading me to make no decisions. Last year I finished an MA in graphic design,

but I haven't done anything with it. it. And two, I don't know how to get into a creative career path with my office job history and feel like I'm on the outside looking in. Any perspective from you, lovely lot, would be much appreciated. How did you build your creative careers? And did you have previous jobs in different industries? Thank you so much, G. Okay, wonderful. Off you go. Helen Barrett seems like you want to start. Just I'm guessing that from your... Number one, I just want G to just check in with themselves and just like look at your primal astrology because it does have a section where it's careers you've best suited for and I think we learned a lot

from your hedgehog and what you should be doing I think if it says office work is the best thing for you then just give up on your dreams and just focus on that. Helen! It's science! And I think just have a look at it and just take a little bit of time to do some soul searching with that and also yeah it's easy to get into the creatives all you need to do is work in a shop for a bit apparently

according to our chat. Okay that was terrible advice. Jesse Cape let's go through the question first of all have you ever worked in other industries Yes. I guess so. I'm I don't have um I mean like they've got more than me I don't have a degree yeah I don't have a degree in anything so if you got a degree in graphic design do something with it yeah so what is your advice for getting into it to getting into it well I mean I think all creative industries are in the same position where social media has transformed the way it works yeah so if you

have a good social media and you are getting some traction on that that's kind of all you need these days which is depressing in one sense but for this kind of situation it's perfect like you're you can make a career out of putting your stuff out there on social media yeah very too you can at least account for like a CV gap if you want to be like if you can put loads of stuff on there that proves that you can do what you say you want to do I think is amazing also it seems to me like if you had time to do an MA even if you don't want to quit your job immediately you'll have now having finished the MA have this time that you were using for that if you're you use if you just say that is the exact amount of time i'm going to use to work on my

instagram or work on my applying for jobs or work on doing my own stuff then i think that that's already a window you should capitalize on if you've already built that into your life um yeah i think but also and i'm going to say it i think the thing that changed for me with comedy making it work and not it was like when I cut down my hours at the job that was paying my way yeah and then suddenly and look it's a risk obviously but there was a part of me that went well now i fucking have to make this work because mom's got to pay her rent so yeah i think you have to be brave i also would say like with graphic design is a lot of corporate jobs in that like it's not like it's not like if you were like i want to be an actor i'd be like don't quote your job quite yet

But there are jobs that pay in graphic design that you could definitely do. I also just think like... I think people like... I'm so tricky because we're not in this world, but I think people do admire honesty. If you've got your MA in graphic design, if you're going to these meetings

and you're worried that your CV is all like this one office job, that they're going to be like, no, but this is what I really wanted to do. This is why I did my master's. Whilst I had a job. People will be like, oh, that's amazing. That's impressive. And like, I didn't think about social media,

but that's such a good point. Like, if you want to, like, get that presence going so people can see your work, like, I think Google ability is just such an important thing and anything in the creative art. And look at other graphic designers on Instagram and see which of their pages are working and why are they working?

I think that's a good thing to do. And what jobs are they doing that you would want to be doing? And maybe message somebody who's doing well and ask if they need, like, someone to assist. Yeah. I would also say just to, you know, be the negative voice in this. Oh, I've done. Here we go. This is going to be great.

If you're happy with what you're doing in life, and you've enjoyed doing an MA and graphic size and you would like a creative job, but you're actually quite happy with what your set of circumstances is, like, what are we all searching for? Like, if you've got enough. Nothing, apart from the two of you were searching for world domination,

like some sort of evil overlord genius. Jesse, were you about to be like, if you're happy with your lots, stay with it, when the two of us are like, nothing is ever enough, we've got to keep moving, you've got to keep on a championship, because I haven't won a championship.

No, but that's exactly that, like, I can see other people situations and be like, they've got it right. They've got the quality of life thing. Like, they're focusing on what makes them happy rather than what they should be creating or doing. Like, being a creative is, like, so exhausting. And, like, I was sometimes I yearn

to, like, have a normal job and to have a salary and to have, like, somebody, like, to be able to clock off while, like, to be able to, like, cheat at work. Like that like if I cheated I'm only cheating myself Oh my God we're the same person It's only your own time you're wasting

Catherine I will say to myself Sweet God It doesn't have to be that way gee You don't have to live a creative life With a word food with this much anxiety Self-Paging self-aging self-aging Save yourself Just do be aware that being a creative

If self-employed is actually mainly And I think people don't realise this It's a mainly admin It's mainly running a business Yeah, that's true. A lot of it's just admin. And also, like, you do have to... And you're going to fuck up the admin.

So, like, you just copy and paste an invoice. You know, like, that'll do, but it's a different... No. No. And they're like, can you send it as a PDF? And you're like, I've just got a new laptop. I don't know how pages works. And they're like, could you get Microsoft Word?

And you're like, it's 100. No, I'm not going to get Word. And then you can't invoice anyone? And you just say, can I just have a bank transfer? And they went, no. Or you fuck it out like me and you have like three different word accounts. And you don't know where... Where the word is.

Can I have one of them? Okay, you're both stressing me out massively. You definitely can run the business. You need Excel. Never use Excel. Okay, you need it. Google Doc, Google Sheets. They're free open source.

I guess what? You say things like that, Andrew, but you're not there when I'm at home watching Malcolm in the middle getting confused. Oh my God, you just watched all of Malcolm in the middle. Woo! It's so good. Which I did not realize it's not appropriate for an eight-year-old and a six-year-old.

They have sex so much. Yeah, they have a lot of sex. They have a lot of sex. It's such a great. They love each other still, like a four or five kids. Also that final episode, when she goes like, it's what you're supposed to do. Like you, we, you, like, look me in the eyes and tell me you can't do it. Oh my God.

She's amazing. She's a feminist icon. She's like, unbelievable. And apparently she's nice in real life. We love to hear it. Sorry, that's not on, you know, on topic. That was amazing celebrity gossip. There's your celebrity gossip.

She's nice in real life. She's nice in real life. Gee, I think you need to be a graphic designer. I'm sorry, I think you should throw everything on the bed that you've done so far with your life and throw it all, and just, like, risk it all. Whoa, that is, it's hit me. It's hit me.

And I think you should design plates. And you can invoice Helen if, if you're a failure. Yeah, I'm gonna back, I'm gonna put money with my mouth is. You're getting 50 pounds away from me. Jesse and I think you should slowly build, build, build in the time you were using to study to make sure that your business is sustainable. It's sustainable.

Keep your options open. Yeah, and then leave your job. If you're listening to this at your desk right now, stand up and walk out. No. Stand up right now. and war cow. But after checking your primal astrology,

like make sure of the sides. Yeah, no, you do want to check that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Why am I conceit? What I will say for, um,

like moving from a job, which is sort of like a solid income that's coming in regularly. I never did like a pattern. I always like worked in cafes and bakeries and stuff. But like moving from that to something else like, you will be able to get a job in like a shop or a cafe again or for you in an office again. Like as long as you like,

you're nice to everyone. Your CV is good. they can see, like, you will be able to find that again. So, like, it's not, I think everyone thinks that when you move on to the next thing in life that you've closed the door and you can never go back, you can never go back to things. Like, it's not gone. People are so afraid of, you know, making mistake

and not being able to reverse it. But other than death, you kind of can reverse. I've left every door open. Like, I could go back to jobs now. Like, it's just, it's possibility. I can't because I'm a bitch, but, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they took your pass and you were like,

Fuck you, everyone betters! Yeah, I cannot get referenced. I write you a reference, Jessie. I write you a nice reference. That would be so sweet. She means well. She's very loyal when you get to know her. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Extremely. To her own detriment. She's too loyal. What's she supposed to do? Okay. Does that help? I think so. Very great.

There was a postscript as well that said they only found the podcast one month ago and they've already caught up. Whoa. Well, can I suggest that then you maybe have got enough time to do your graphic designer? Design us graphics. We'd love it.

Yeah, well, we won't, we may not be able to afford to pay you if you're that successful. Oh, no, I'm sorry. Oh, my God, that would be so nice. That would be cool if they made us a graphic. We could be your first job. Yeah.

Send us your pricing. Yeah. We'll share your show shows. Your show shows. I imagine it's this and it's, oh, shit. If it's shit, we'll cut this bit out for the win. Oh, no, it goes out of this. oh you know what good luck to you jay you're on your own we wish you well hey jessie cave you have a podcast

i do i have yeah i do i do have i do have i do have a podcast i've kind of lost count of the podcast i've got well tell us about them so people can find them my main podcast for the moment i mean i was doing one during pregnancy and um post pregnancy i really respect you're not ruling out that podcast happening again you're like well no i well i called it whenever it kicks because it was about, I bold, I wanted to do a podcast previously when I was pregnant my third, but I didn't want to, I didn't, I was, I've, I've, I've, I've never been one to like, like, until the baby's here, I don't feel like I can, like, really, but this time I was like, I'm going to be bold, and I'm going to do it when I'm 20 weeks pregnant, I'm going to do it for the last 20 weeks.

And it did, it was really cathartic to do because I, I thought, well, I might not have another baby, like, I want to chart how I'm feeling and. Yeah, amazing. Yeah, and it was, it was really, nice and I did that afterward but there was lots of problems with it too in terms of like um whatever but my the podcast that I love doing listen to that that what a hard sell hard I think it's a good ad because I'm intrigued yeah me too me too what were the problems with I was no just because I got quite sad I got quite sad because then I because I yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah just because I had for the fuck I got sick in the last trimester I got COVID and then I got Nora virus which norovirus on the back of coronavirus when you're 33 weeks

pregnancy is quite bad um and so i had to deliver quite early and so obviously i had a pause with doing the podcast so then when i picked it back up i think i definitely this is what my new show is about um it's like it's about i've been very humbled by motherhood lately and that's quite hilarious given i have four kids and i've only just discovered only just discovered it's quite hard um so i and that is i think largely down to the fact that i got i had this kind of like i think mother nature was just like no no no it's not that easy we're gonna we're gonna make this a bit difficult for you fucking bitch yeah um so i don't think mother nature thinks you're up there no but i think because i i i genuinely i said to alphia i was like if we have another baby it will be easy we

have done it but we know what we're doing like i'm gonna nail oh to be fair you need it some humbling yeah yeah yeah i'm gonna nail baby you're a breeze. I'm going to nail motherhood this time. And I could not have got it more wrong. Also, really fun for your older kids to hear. I'm going to get it right this time. That's my philosophy.

All practices. I just believe that, like, in a family of, a big family, the mother is a different mother to each child. Yeah, oh, for sure. Your siblings have got different relationships to your mother. I'm a different mother throughout the year. Yeah. Like, I'm a different mother to my 18, like, my two-year-old.

to why I, but I'll be a different mother in a few months' time. Yeah, of course. Like, you'll constantly be evolving. That makes total sense. So, wait, so you, they can listen to the podcast, which is whenever it kicks, yeah. You also have a podcast with B.B. Yeah, so me and BVee have just, we stopped doing our normal podcast,

which we started during, during lockdown, which was our, about our lives and our relationship. Yeah. And it was lovely, but then we ran out of things to talk about in a way because we felt quite exposed. Of course. It was quite, and it was also, we were heavily grieving our brother. and it was very much like charting that as well.

So we've decided to start, which has been so, it's like been the most fun I've ever had because it's us. And this is a different lead to your podcast guys. It's us in a living room with a stolen backdrop. Like with a dodgy SD card, like two broken microphones.

It's gone at a different level, but it's us playing ourselves doing a podcast. So it's us as mad, desperate actresses. So good. That's phenomenal. about our lives and we were deluded enough to think that we can give advice to other actresses out there and it's a parody podcast of our podcast exactly it's a parody progress of any performers podcast incredible what's a call it's called showbiz sisters phenomenal showbiz sisters yes really

it's been so fun because and it's been so nice to do with bibi because like we are like you know if we strip about we are we started out as actresses yeah and we have so many horror stories from the industry and it's just been so cathartic to do it under a veil. Whereas when we were doing it on our normal podcast, like we would get like people be like how could you talk about that? Like how could you talk about that

director or how could you talk about that job that you did and you hated or but with this we can like, we can be bold. You need to have nice to listeners as well. I agree. I'm like you know what I mean like it's just it was much more like prickly but now it's like oh we can go for it oh my God I'm sewing it's someone else

and also people can see you at the end Refringe? Yeah. So I'm doing the third to the 13th. Fabulous. And I'm going to be doing that show, you know, for the rest. I'm hopefully going to take it on tour and do it in a big way next year. What's the show called?

It doesn't have a title yet. That's exciting. You can name it. You can name it. The Olsen triplets. No, I've got a lot of animals in it. It's got a lot of shadow puppetry and. You can do porcupine.

This might be the, you know. That's exactly. I know what you find a Chester Zoo called Roxy. Oh, that's so cute. You should go there for a treat day. I did go there for a treat day. love Chester Zoo. Did you see a tortoise in the radiated tortoise enclosure called Smooth Sides?

Oh no, Helen, please don't talk about smooth sides again, please. I'll tell you, I'll tell you on me finish. It's a horrific story. It's a horrific story. That's a horrific story. I thought you were going to see this. She stole it from Justice Zoo. Honestly, if I could have my hands on smooth sides, she would never leave my side.

Oh, that's sweet. What's it's a really tense story that you don't need to worry about. It's quite traumatic, actually. to be what's happening. I'll tell you in a moment. Yeah, the listeners have heard so much about smooth size. They can't possibly want to hear it again. Just the little update, my sister and dad did go recently.

She is still living and yes, she is smoother than ever. Oh, sweet God. No. Dear God, okay, just keep... Listen, Jesse Kay, they can listen to your two podcasts. They can find your live show that may or may not be called Porcupine. Exactly. They can find you on Instagram.

Just Jesse Kay. They can find you on Twitter? No. Could they find you on... No. Okay, fine. find you on TikTok? They could but don't bother. Listen, just go find the woman.

I mean, Instagram sounds easy, yeah. For kids, social media upkeep has become a bit difficult. Instagram it is. You managed to do it though and also you have to like... Well, you managed to watch all of those people's stories and that's itself impressive. I have to wrap it up. I have to talk about smoothside. Okay, sweet. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you so much to our executive

producers, Guy Goodman, Simon Morris, Mary Fox, Annie Tonner, Sarah Hartke Deakin, Oliver Jago and Sheward Kerr, we are so grateful. You are so generous. Thank you so much. You rock my fucking world. And here's to our amazing producers, Richard Bignall, L. Richard Fould, Neil Redmond, Victoria Hutchinson, Emma Walton, Howard Van Dyck, Tim and Dom, David Walker, Rachel Ragh, Anthony Conway, Cajor, Cajmore, Claire, Owen, Joan, Jess and Nick, Zoe, Sarah, Molly, Ria, Fink,

Cordelia, Rachel Page, Helen A, Tina, Lindsay. Gray and Marsh, Amy O'Reardon, Abby Worf, Key Webb, Matt Sims, Luke Bright, Leah, Kate Spencer, May Williams, Tristan, Liz Fort, Taz, Clow, Becky Fox, Amy, and Emily G. That hurt my face. Honestly, I'm going to go up for some more acting stuff, I have a headache. I have a headache. Thank you so much for supporting our podcast. Thank you so much.