Trusty Hogs - Ep91. JODIE MITCHELL / Breasts, Badges & Bloods

Episode Date: June 29, 2023

From phlebotomy to family drama, and a lot of fapping, we're joined by the fabulous Jodie Mitchell! Jodie is a top rate stand-up, writer AND they are a Drag King, which we get into with much childish glee from Helen...FOLLOW JODIE: @JodieMitchetcThank you so much for listening!Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Guy Goodman / Simon Moores / Mary Fox / Annie Tonner / Sarah Jarque-Deakin / Oliver JagoPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Harald van Dijk / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Sarah & Molly / Raia Fink / Cordelia / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Graham Marsh / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Kie Web / Matt Sims / Luke Bright / Leah / Kate Spencer / Mae Williams / Tristin / Liz Fort / Taz / Klo / Becky Fox / Amie / Emily GeeWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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have to be a home pro. You just have to hire one. You can hire top-rated pros, see price estimates, and read reviews all on the app. Download today. Hello and welcome to episode 91 of Trustee Hoggs. Helen's taking a sip for a coffee so I took the opportunity to get in there and speak. How nice! Welcome. This is our podcast. I'm Catherine Beauheart. This is Helen Bauer and we talk about our lovely lives and then we helped our listeners with their problems. And gosh, we try not to be resentful about it, Helen Bauer. What was that tone? Wait, who we resentful of? You were like, true. Oh, like, true as in like, that's what we do. Yeah. I really want to drink

this coffee. I can really tell. You're guzzling. Get your guzzle on, girl. I only had one coffee this morning and I didn't get to, I didn't feel like I enjoyed it. Okay, fine. Why? Because Soneil wanted to do a self-tape And I wanted to watch Malcolm in the middle again Because I've restarted it You were helping him with a tape? Yeah, yeah What part were you playing?

A woman Generic woman Generic woman Through the fog Step forth The trusty hogs Yeah You're gonna give me your problems

And they will solve them Or maybe they won't And that's your problem They'll have guests And Andrew White on the tech Oh, it's Helen and Catherine As the trusty hogs Trust the trusty hogs

Or maybe not Okay, well you might have noticed Helen That I'm sporting a little Sunglasses chain You finally went full lesbian I'm so proud of you You've been arguing bisexual for so many years No

Excuse me, I didn't go lesbian and I went librarian and it is the same. It is the same. It's the same. It's the same. Potato. Let me just say this. You'll notice it.

I mean, you'll notice. I'm assuming people are watching the video like Hawks. It's the same chain that Tams and Kelly had and I bought it on her influence. And also in the same package, I'm from, oh my God, from Tiger in the same package, I got this plug tidy. Have you ever had a plug tidy before? Helen, I almost orgasmed. You whack all the plugs in and it goes into a little box and you put it in the corner and it's none of that mess. Oh, do you mean the box?

Wait. Wait, wait, wait. But it has a hole for the plugs to come out. Oh my God, it's so hot. I, like, honestly God, my corner is so perfect. Like, my office is finished now. Anyway, what, listen, that's what I've been wanking to. But I was like, I bought this chain because I was like,

Tams and Kelly's cool. I'm going to get this chain. I go out for a walk with my girlfriend. She's like, hey, babe, you okay? I was like, yeah. And she's like, cool. Why are you dressed like that? And I was like, what do you mean?

And she's like, uh, like an age. five-year-old woman and I was like, excuse me? And she was like, your, your glasses chain, those are for pensioners. And I was like, no, lots of young, hip, cool women. They're young and hip. Thank you. That was, for sure, glasses chains were the pensioners that have passed away. Because they, that was a thing when I was for.

So that generation's gone. And then she was like, yeah, maybe. But the thing is, you make it old. And I was like. Ellen, Ellen, Ellen. I was like, I guess I'm making glasses chains. Veryiatric again. But yeah, deeply insulting and very hurtful.

But you like it, right? I think they're really young and hip-in-cool. A hundred percent. Thank you so much. My concern is that they're going to fall out, though. Oh, oh, the coasters took to my glass in the night. No, they're not going to fall out all the time because, like, I had this for filming once, and I had to wear a glasses chain, and they were constantly on the floor. No, very tight, we're good.

We're good. Okay, proud of you, you're thriving. Thank you so much. I really am thriving. young woman going to crying tiger and treating herself to a plug tidy and a glasses chain. And a picnic blanket, don't mind if I do.

As if you don't already own a picnic, you own a picnic. I own a picnic basket, but I didn't have a picnic blanket. Oh my God, what would you do? Well, the thing is, I have lovely blankets and I was using them but then the grass was sticking. Listen, we all have summer problems. You get it. Helen.

I don't have a picnic blanket actually. I used to always steal Emma Blacks, but now she's gone. Yeah, you're going to want one of those. Shit. Can I have one of your old one? No. Oh dear. No.

Helen, we've forgotten to congratulate Andrew. Andrew, I'm so sorry. We did it off mic. Andrew. Congratulations, you kept a man for a year. Yes, boy. Thank you. Thank you very much.

For anyone new here, Andrew, would it be okay if you just gave them like a vague overview of your dating last? I'll do it. I'll do it. No, no. How about you do shitty little sidelines? All right, great. Go on, Andrew, tell us about your sad, sad life. I mean, that's very much the premise of this podcast, isn't it?

Hey, fuck you man Andrew's a fucking loser and we're thriving Let's fucking talk about it No, that's so cool We mustn't, we mustn't It's great, it's been a year though Anyway, yeah So I've started this podcast

I was going through Lots of ghosting situations You're basically a medium Andrew Yeah, yeah True I've been ghosted more times than Ebenezer Scrooge And he only had four

It's true It was bleak But now you have a boyfriend And you celebrate your one year anniversary and you did the gayest thing to celebrate what you do. We watched

Julie Andrews sing her favorite song. I'm just so obsessed with that as a choice. It's great. It's so, I don't know, I mean, watch this episode first but afterwards go find Julie Andrews sing to a favorite song.

Her opening outfit is, it's wonderful, it's gorgeous. They're all looks you would wear and you must be honest. Fabulous. It's that wonderful side of musical theatre YouTube where it's just them singing songs

just because they fucking fancy it. If you ever watched the Cher show, she's like, oh, and here's me and Liza just doing a number for no good reason. I swear there's a duet between Julie Andrews and fucking hell. Help me here. Do you, no. What's her next? Over the Rainbow.

Oh, Judy Garland. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I swear there's a duet between the two of them at some point as well. That would be cool. It's incredible. It's incredible. Check it out. So, and then did you like tug each other off whilst watching Julie or like, how does it work?

Helen. We thought it was gay enough already. We didn't want to. It really is. Helen. Did you imagine giving a rim job to Julie? Juliana's singing. Do you know what a rim job is?

Because you did a hand job action while you said rim job. RIM job is mouth to waneus. But you can do both. But you went like this. Rim job. You could like, you could be doing the ass with your mouth, Army Ritchie Roundy and then rank enough.

Because you know what? People have two things at once. Can you not do baby voice while you describe? I don't know why did that. Army Nietzzy roundy toogie, wuggy. Oh my God, gross. I'm so sorry. Helen, can I tell you?

you please now about my gig last night? Only if you fucking died on your hole. Well, I thought I was going to. That's not really the point of the story. Okay. The point of the story is, I go to a gig last night. You shit yourself. No, can you just, God, the stakes are so insane when you set them. Like, I'm obviously never going to meet that bar. No, I'm like an adult woman who doesn't have some sort of bowel illness. We're good. Can you just relax? Okay. Good God. I'm sorry. So, I go to this gig last night. I get there, it is the worst of all things. It's in a tent. It's in a marquee on a field. Fabulous. It's in a village. Rather the tent than no tent. I've had fields before. That's true. But it's a marquee. It's very bright because obviously it's the summer. It's summer solstice.

And look, it was a village of 10,000 people, 500 of them were there. A village of 10,000. Yeah. So 500 of them were there. And it sold out in seconds. It was like the event. An hour. I arrived an hour early, they were all sat in their seats facing the stage. I was like, oh my God, this is an attentive, excited crowd. It's very sweet. No, it's a room full of Catherine. But it does feel like a lot of energy, right? So I was like, okay, so I go into the backstage and when I get

in there, I realize the man who taught me to do stand-up, I did Logan Murray's stand-up course, is MCing, and I haven't seen him since then, and it was so gorgeous. I was like, Andy Parsons was headlining, and I used to watch him on telling him when I was a kid. Logan was hosting, and I was like, oh my God, this is amazing.

Sally Ann Hayward was on and she's, can I say, an unbelievable sound up, I've never seen her before. Sally Ann is amazing. I literally just did a comedy store weekend with her and we were talking about doing clips online and we've both been doing them since then. She's a legend. Go for her on Instagram.

Yeah, strong agree. And also like, I was like, it was so nice to follow a woman who's so filthy because I was like, oh no, I'm too, like, what are they too broodish for me? And then she was like, every disgusting thing you could think she'd covered, I was like, grand. I basically seemed tame.

So funny. She's so gross and funny. But anywho, I go into this backstage and I see this man who taught me to do stand-up and it's so gorgeous and I'm like, wow, I've really come a long way and he's like, wow, you've really come a long way and it's felt really full circle. And I was in this beautiful moment of like, God, comedy, I'm really growing into it. This is so nice. And the man who's running the gig walks in and he's just like, hi, yeah. And I was like, hi, and he's like, pretty good, isn't it? We try to have the same number of women and men comedians on every bill.

Oh, like he needs a handshake for it. And I was like, wow, that's so brave. Bear in mind, there were five acts, only two of them were women. All white, yes, and only two of them were women. And I was like, you failed, man. And A, you don't get a medal for that. And B, you failed at your, like, big claim. I was like, what do you want from me?

Some fucking bravery. Yeah, no, they won a medal. They 100% won. It's like there are some guys out there who just never quite left scouts and they're still trying to complete their sash. I'm telling, but there's also that I'm not like, it's some binary, there's also other people like

they's them who are still collecting their guides one as well. Like, it's a fucking nightmare out there. This is why I carry around stickers with me just to pop them on people. I was really in that moment of like, yeah, I've come such a long way. Like it's been like seven years since I started comedy. How amazing.

Eight years almost. And then it was like, and it hasn't changed that much. We should start making badges to carry around with all three of us. Like, you haven't groped a woman in a year, badgey. It has been three.

365 days since an incident occurred. It's been two years since you said, you can't say anything anymore. Big brave boy badges is what we need. Big brave boy badges. How do they earn a big brave boy badge? Like the ultimate one. They think it's just by like acknowledging you're a woman like and that they allowed you in this space. You looked in my eyes for over two minutes.

Badgie. But he literally walked in and went, I'll let you do this. And you like, okay cool bro. Like, all right, sweet man. It was so mad. It was so funny. But anyway, it really was, it was everything comedy can be. And I was like, this is lull.

I just think marquise and tents in general is bad vibes. But every now and again, they're so good. Oh, but then the gig was gorgeous. That's the thing. You just can't tell. Noges because those catherine's wanted to have a nice time because they'd penciled it in their diaries. They were ready for a good time.

There was an Andrew and and Adrian who were sat at the front road. They were like... Andrew and Adrian. They were the only gay in the village. They weren't couple, they weren't married. because that was Tory, they were civil partnered, which was cool and hit. I loved it for them.

I was like, what a wild thing to say, but they were so fun. I loved them. So, yeah, I did have a good time. Now, listen, I'm listening to a podcast. That was such a journey. Oh, yeah, sorry. Okay, do you want to tell me about the podcast?

No, wait, but I have so much to say as well. Okay, but don't you think that you often do say loads? No. Okay, so I just thought I'd take your... Honestly, what happened here is that you started the show by drinking your coffee, so I had a moment and now I'm on one. I'm like, and another thing about me. I'm like that eight-year-year-old who got asked.

every day was. I'm like, Bap, bab, bab, bab, bab, bab. What, eight-year-old? Annie, eight-year-old. You know, when you're, like, how's a day? And they're like, da-da-da-da-da-la. And you, I don't know. Like me when I come home. I don't know that many children. Okay, you know what you can talk. Because my brain is just

so full at the moment that I can't even comprehend talking about. I can only imagine you have a lot going on. But the only reason I bring up the podcast is. And by the way, I'd love to do a recommendation's list of podcasts. Because I'm, as you know, I'm terrible with silence. And I'm listening to a lot of them at the minutes. So maybe in the extras. I'll list all the podcasts. I think in the extras we should do it because I've got a couple at the moment. I'm sure Andrew does as well and people do ask for more recommendations. I've got about

20 but I do recommend ours first. I'll make a little graphic of trust the young's recommends. Oh my God, please. That'd be so cute. Slime country. We're not doing now. Maintenance, babe. We're not doing now. We're not doing it. Um, yes. So I, um, listening to the podcast called Vishal and it's about a boy. You'll be listening to it. I'm not joking. Did I not talk about this? the podcast like a year and a half ago. What? He went missing on the day of Diana's wedding.

I know. I know. I'm not right. Right. Catherine's going to tell it. If anyone remembers me talking about this, please message me. No, no, no. Go for it.

Because I, whatever you're going to say, I can trump it. And I feel so excited right now. All I want to say is that it's no spoilers because I'm only on episode three. I've got no spoilers. I've got how the podcast got made. Well, what's fascinating is that it's made by his stepbrother. But please. That's what you think.

what? Go on, you explain what it is. Basically, I just started listening to this podcast which apparently Helen had put in my subconscious and it's about a boy who went missing in 1981 on the day of Princess Diana and your man's wedding.

And no, I don't acknowledge his existence. You must because without him we wouldn't have had Diana and that's something we have to remember. That's not true. She was all and everything all by herself. She would have been everything. She would have been a moment regardless. Fuck you. Anyway, she got married that day and then this very unfortunately

this young boy went missing and a young Asian boy so like whether or not the coverage of it was like useful good whether or not the police did the worth they should have whether or not I agreed but I'm only just starting and it's very interesting and it's made by his stepbrother

as in his half brother half brother who was born after he went missing and how did it get made Helen okay I am not joking so is it called what happened to Vishire I think so. I think it might just be called Vichal.

Well, the first time they tried to do this podcast, it was called what happened to Vichal, okay? And someone else might remember this event happening. It was like, maybe I spoke about it on my podcast of Rosie Jones. This is how far back this is. So this is like OG like murder, investigation, missing people podcasts. All lesbian's just look the same to you, don't they? So you're all an absolute, it's just a web of Doc Martins and I just get lost with the laces. So, right, this is back in the day.

I hope those are glasses change. LBC, the awful radio network, right? I'm aware of it. I've been in an Uber. They did the podcast. What happened to Vishal? They did five episodes of it and they just got into the investigation. They went, we're going to take a break.

And this wasn't a relation. This was journalist on behalf of relations, but they had the blessing of the relations. They met with them. A journalist then was like, there's some documents, but we need to read them, but they're under like the Secret Order Act at Parliament. We can't get hold of them.

They're like, wait, someone said we might be able to get hold of them. We'll be back next week. And then the next week arrived and they were like, we'll be back next week. Sorry, it's taken a bit longer than we thought. Then the podcast stopped coming out and then it got taken down. I am not fucking joking. Was there a quarter order? No one knows.

It just disappeared. There's a record of it existing, but I can't find any of the episode. So it is there on that, when did it stop playing? It doesn't say. It doesn't say. Oh, 2015, 2015. How mad is that? But 2015, they tried to do this investigation.

They got blocked from doing it because they couldn't get hold of the documents. Aliens, the government, God knows. God knows. Okay, I hate when you go into conspiracy. It's not conspiracy, Catherine. I was listening to this. This is like if the child just disappeared, like the podcast just disappeared again. It was like they were doing an investigation about someone who disappeared and

the investigation disappeared. But this second podcast doesn't acknowledge the existence of a previous podcast. This is what I'm saying. Someone's in jail who tried to do this. In jail? I don't know. I'm just assuming. What?

I used to be, I loved this, the first five episodes of it when I came out, I thought it was so good, I thought it was so interesting. They were really looking like, something that Americans do when they look into like how awful the police are with investigations of people of colour. They were like, finally doing one here. I was on a major radio network. 2015, that is such a trip. This is eight years later.

And it just stopped, but only when they started trying to get these documents. What happened? That's why I'm saying, what happened, please, you know? To the podcast. It's very hard to find even a record of it So I doubt I can find anything And it existed I'm telling you now

This is interesting Because you know that there's a podcast That's been court ordered to come down In Australia The trial Which is really interesting Because they're having a legal debate As to whether or not it is

Because they are doing court reporting Yeah But it's in great detail And basically the defence Have put up a case That it will de legitimise any further application for if somebody does a plea

we know when someone does an appeal appeal will affect appeals in the future it's such an interesting time like in many ways if you think about it we could be like we could be asked to take down our podcast because it's like so insightful for society and also because it's like discrediting Prince King Charles

and we will fight for it on the royalist front when we were on BBC sounds there was one episode they would not put out the episode immediately after the Queen time same. Mainly because we were recording through the funeral and you could hear it happening across the river in the bunker we were in. And also because I don't respect the monarchy and I couldn't give it well. We mustn't.

Old people die. Can we stop acting like as a shocker? It's not a shocker. I love when people who are like shockingly 100 year old woman dies and you're like yeah no that's going to occur. But do you feel like the like the system of like juries and judgment is becoming like entertainment because of like I watched the did you see the Amber Her Johnny Depp?

documentary. It's on Channel 4. I couldn't watch it because I honestly feel so frustrated by that entire process. It was so disgraceful, misogynistic, so utterly fucked that I'm like, I just cannot engage with the fact that

he is now in films and still on fucking Dioras. He is clearly an awful human being. Clearly. Even if you think that she is too. Oh, they both definitely have an edge to them. I'll give him that. But even if you're like, the best

argument you can make for her also you cannot be like and he's a saint i actually listen we're so far behind on this like guys we're like talking about a podcast that got cancelled in 2015 and now we're talking about the ambring has anybody i didn't really i so i wasn't on tictock at the time i wasn't really following at that intensely like i'd see the clips that went like viral that people like shared on like twitter and instagram but like nothing really but watching this i was like holy the smear campaign against her and how we jump on women so quickly we are so fucking far behind. Oh yeah, and our capacity to malign women.

He didn't even go to the final, the final judgment. But I mean, this is, sorry to recommend another podcast, but you're wrong about it. It's basically just like, has almost an entire category of podcast episodes, specifically about maligned women. And you just listen to them over and over again. I are like, why and will we learn? But we won't. We mustn't.

We mustn't. Hey, got anything positive to tell me? Yeah. Well, I don't know if it's positive. Is it at least hip and current? Yeah. Yeah? Something pretty modern.

Yeah. Well, I watched a new film. Well, new to me. Oh, come on, Helen. Oh, for God take one. You know what I watched because I've been spiraling for about four days now.

I watched The Matrix. Oh, for Foxy. And I honestly, I honestly, have you seen it though? Welcome to this podcast. The year is 2002. No, no, no. It's 1999, is it, or 2000 it came out.

I don't know or care. It was definitely before 9-11 because there's a scene in it when a helicopter to like flies into a building and sneel were like oh my god was it before or after it's honestly it's insane 99 there you go katherine have you seen it i think i saw it as a team yeah you think you've seen it you haven't then i think i have no no i'm so would you take the red pill or the blue pill it's the red pill right yeah yeah yeah i've seen it oh my god so senil said he'd watched it

before as well i don't think he had because he was his mind was being blown but then hang and can i just pause because some of us have seen films that unlike you don't see that you managed to remember like to the letter script details whereas like a lot of us just like watch films and then forget about them yes whereas you're like this is true of my life and me this is part of my journey this is an indication of how I should behave but make this has changed how I move through the world now I move through the world in a different way now so see things differently like we don't we honestly don't know what's real and like I used to struggle with that when I was younger being like oh my god we're so small and significant compared to the universe

because you know you'd lie in bed and what compared to the universe is the you you, insignificant, what's not fair? Insignificant. Insignificant compared to the universe. And then, and then basically nothing really exists around you. It's just, we're just guessing at it, right? So like, right there I see a pig in a top hat.

I'm tired. And you say you see your pig in the top hat, but we might be perceiving it totally differently. Can I say, the pig in the top hat is so anomalous in real life. I think we are both seeing and that it probably is real. I can touch it and feel it. Also, I don't think, I think I would take the pill but I'd regret it immediately

but because I'm so curious I'd want to see what the reality is. And then I got confused because I started thinking that I had seen it before but I was thinking of the one with Elliot Page. What's it called? What's the one with Elliot Page? When the world bends around you

with Leonardo DiCaprio. Leonardo DiCaprio and Elliot Page are in a film? Yes, yes. Inception. I did know that I was like How are those the two people You remember that from that film bro

Marion Coat de R is the star there Oh good for her, good for her Oh my God, you're really straight aren't you You're really That actually did that Leonardo DiCaprio is your memory of inception My 40 year old woman I am so out date right now

I know he's in it but like Wow that really that was the like That's the defining That's for me that's drawn the line between straight and queer here. But you're talking right now, but are you talking? Sweet Marion. It does Marion Coetard actually exist?

Like, do you know what? Or is just a projection for you? Of all good things of women? The Matrix, it's honestly, I'm going to get himself one of those coats. You're exhausting. I'm going to get a big trench coat and sweep around. You would be so warm. You run so hot.

Oh, it's going to be, I'm going to grow so much in that coat. Imagine how loud it would be squeaking away while you. Me like shuffling into a space on the tube like, are they warm in winter then or are they just one of those things are just impractical the whole time? I just as do you sweat the whole time all the time. Yes. That like it's wet inside. I always have at least like five paws open because I'm an open soul.

Okay. I have an open, I have an open heart, open mind. But that's what's happening with me in the modern day. Wow, a lot going on for you. A lot going on. I feel like I need to step up my life. But I genuinely think. But I just watch films.

and not work on my show. That's my whole thing at the moment. Yeah, you're definitely in... I'm panicking. Shall we say procrastination mode? I'm panicking. I get it. I really do get it.

I'm there too. I watched a film about Richard the third. No. I've off my mind. It's so hard though, isn't it right? The Lost King. Can I say, I think that you are in a situation where... He was in a car park in Leicester.

We're all in. It was, yeah. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. And then they won the city of culture or something.

Oh, good for them. Yeah, gosh, what going on for Lester. Hey, but here's it, like, seven years ago. We're so late to everything. No, 2012. I was going to say that you just fluctuated from like 40-year-old woman to 50-year-old man, but now that I know it's that Richard the Third film,

you're still in the 40-year-old woman to actually. Oh, yeah, the one was Sally Hawkins and Steve Coogan, where Sally Hawkins has Emmy and she sees Richard the third. It's brilliant. I'm sure. It's brilliant. Can I say? She has a hunch as to where he is, and she gets it right.

That doesn't sound like it's for me. She's like it's entrenched one, and it is. That's, that's, not for me. British people are obsessed with Sally Hawkins. Who isn't? Anyone else, I think. Did you ever see Happy Go Lucky though? Yeah, listen. So good.

She's Sally Hawkins in all things, right? Well, in Mike Lee films, you have to be yourself. Okay, that's true. I guess that's true. It's a fact. I don't think I'm smart enough for Mike Lee films. I'm, there I said it. I just don't think I am. We had to watch Lozum in drama school and I was a bit like, when's something going to happen? And everyone's

like, you're dumb. Hey now. Oh, you're so smart. You watch, no, you watch Simon Scott. You watch more trash than I do. I love that trash. It's delicious. I just finished all of glow up because I heard about it and then I watched all five series. I bought the makeup competition shot. Yeah, loved it. Loved it. Really loved it actually. Very for me for me. It's good. It's good stuff. Yeah, big, a couple of episodes. Big time enjoyed. Hey, I was going to say something to you, which is, I think that, to circle back to the point of you procrastinating for your Edinburgh show. Oh no, I thought we'd procrastinated all the way out of that conversation.

I think that you were doing what I was doing about my radio show until about five minutes ago, which is like we both have such high standards for ourselves that we wanted to be perfect but the nature of creativity unfortunately is that nothing can be perfect but everything I've made so far has been perfect uh-huh and so um but but when that's the bar you freeze right because you're like I'll never get it totally right

and then every moment you don't work on it is another moment you've wasted but you are a brilliant comment no it's I fit you know what it is is a puzzle that I can't solve because every time I put a piece in it feels like it fits but it doesn't actually so like but that's roses job You're director. She'll help you so much. I know. I need to book another session with Rose. Rose Johnson, a friend of the podcast.

A friend of the podcast. Also wrangling Helen's ideas, which makes her own genuine trooper. Here's my question. Speaking of sweaty coats and indeed summer procrastination, it's unbearably hot. Does anyone have any summer hacks? Because I am dying. My flat is unbearable. You have a flat with no outside space. No outside space and big windows, which is so nice.

nice but oh my god in the summer it's i'm dying i've here are my tips i've put i made a sandwich bag of ice i keep putting ice in my diffuser which mean like you've made a sandwich bag of ice i mean like you put water in a sandwich word i made from scratch okay i might be able to hold complex thought and be in the summertime so that's what i'm basically shielding from the sun at this moment time i know i mean i feel sandwich bags with ice so that i can keep using my trays and i am putting those in the diffuser you know like my little um what's that moji diffuser yeah so you're diffusing ice yeah and it makes the air that comes out cold and that's nice i keep the windows closed during the day and the curtains closed during the day and then i open them at night for cold air

andrew i'm trying to hack summer can you not drop things please uh thank you so much i wears spf all the time do you have any i put i put um flannels in the freezer to take them out and put them between my legs when i'm too warm maybe change your genetic makeup No, that's an option It's the only option I can think of Anybody else? Oh, and I have... No, Catherine, the things they're doing in science at the moment

I got a four-top duvet So it's so light, but you still have the feeling of a duvet Okay Well, maybe you just need to like have a cold shower Before you go to bed I'm doing that, getting into bed wet is nice Yeah Yeah, you can have it

You're so clammy Do you have a... Yeah, because it's bloody hot in here What? That was wet, wet, wet. Well, it's been... We splashed when we high-fired. Ha!

Grim, grim. Don't rub your eyes with that. I'm sorry. I don't know what to do. I like having a cold mouth. I find that quite useful. Like having ice lolly or sucking on ice, like a cold mouth can sort of cool down my head I found. Okay, yeah, all right.

It's a weird way to describe that. No, cold mouth. I love an ice lolly. She's like, I like a cold mouth, please. So anything. that makes my mouth cold. I'm happier when mouth coldy. Yeah, okay. Something to think about it. But is it cold?

God knows. You know? You just don't know. Well, you just do what perception. It's all... Oh, fuck off. We're not... You cannot put the matrix onto a lollipop. I can put the matrix on to a ballad. Is your ice lulley cold or are you just taking the blue pill? Have you? Have you? Have you, though?

You know, the amount of tablets you're taking, you just don't look. Mad. No, you do look. You do look. I said that and then immediately thought, you must think you'm absolutely mad. But you know, when you're like, have absolutely mad. But you know, like have I take is that that one or is that that one like you know to my house you know I put all of my two my fortnightly tablets into a pillbox and take them every single day I know and I know I said I was going to do that but like who's who's got time hang on I just realized I have a pill box and a glasses chain maybe I am an old lady a two hundred and four baby oh I look good for it

you look so good for two hundred and four should we bring on a guess before we all get panicked that we were all very old. Yeah. Because we're actually very young and thriving. Oh my God. I went to get bloods taken the other day. Oh, Catherine, you are getting. I went for the optician's bloods.

Listen to me. I went to get my bloods taken. How are your bones? Would you listen to me? And then, oh my God, I'm such an old woman. Listen to mommy. Mommy never gets a dog. So I get my bloods taken.

And then I say something like, oh, I say I infer that I'm old. And the two women are like, no, you're not. Obviously, like, they're slightly older than me. They're like, no, you're not. No, you're not. And then they both do this thing where they go, guess how old we are? And I was like, oh, God, this is the most stressful game in the world. And also, you're sticking a needle in my arm, so what I don't want to do right now is piss you off.

And then it was a nurse phlebotomist. So she was training. What? The phlebotomist was training. What's a phlebotomist? Bloods. Okay, so phlebotomy, veins of bloods. It's proven hard of that before my life.

Yeah. So the nurse, it says to the trainee phlebonomis, she's like, she says to me, hi, this is blah, she's training. It said, okay if she takes your bloods. I was like, yeah, I'm not scared of needles. I give blood so I'm like pretty used to it. I was like, yeah, that's grand. Go for it.

You have to learn somehow. And she cannot get her gloves on. Her hands are sweating so much. She's shaking. Her hands are sweating. And I was watching her trying to get these gloves on. I was a bit like, I mean, I'm not scared of needles, but Jesus goodness. And so the nurse is like,

Are you ready? And she's like, no. And then she's like, guess what age we are? And I was like, this is the most stressful game. I'm watching this woman trying to get ram her hand into these gloves. I'm trying to guess what age they are without offending them. I'm like, 21. They're like, we're 68 or whatever.

And eventually, she's going to trying to do the bloods with her finger half in this, like, bent over by this glove. And eventually the nurse just, like, they'd be like so friendly and cheer in. And the nurse just goes, you need to get a grip. You can't do this patient. Look at your hands. Look at your hands. No. Go over there and pull yourself together.

Oh, that's not going to help. It was awful. And then she just had to go to the corner of the room and face the corner basically and like trying to get the gloves off. She was like, scented the corner to like get herself together. And she just kept saying, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

And the nurse is like, I'll do it. And then so then I was honestly like, this is the most stressful environment. I mean, your blood will be pumping on the plus. Oh my God. My veins were alive and well. And they took my blood and I was like, I gotta get out here. And I found myself leaving me like, you'll get them next time to this trainee nurse who was like wiping her

evidently like soaked hands on her dress. I was like, this is hell. Anyway, the NHS needs our support. Yeah, it does. Wow. Wow. You know when you start a story you don't know where it's going but you really keep going. That was so intense.

But the blood's all good. You're going to live forever? Don't know yet. Wait into here. Oh, no. Mind dear. Oh, I'll miss you so much. Stop.

Let's talk to a guest, I guess. I guess. Before we both die, I'm probably, well, I mean, we'll die, but we don't know when. Oh, miss you so much. Let's bring on our guest. It's the wonderful. Jody Mitchell! Oh!

Hi, it's me, Catherine Bowharsh, and I have a bunch of work-and-progress shows to tell you about for two different things. The first is for my work-and-progress show at Edinburgh. My new, like, one of my work-and-progress show at Edinburgh. My new, like, one of you. be tour show. I'm going to be doing that at Argfest on the 1st of July in Shortwich. I'm going to be doing it at Aces and Ates in Kentish Town

on the 4th of July. I'm going to be doing it on the 20th of July in Hackney. On the 2nd of August, there all the way till the 9th in Edinburgh. So you can find dates for that on my website catherine bowhart.com. Otherwise I'm also doing work in progress for my radio show, which is

that's right, I'm doing a double on the 4th of July. I'm doing it at Angel on the 4th of July and I'm also doing it online. Throwback to Giglis on Zoom on the 15th. Andrew's going to tech it for me very sweetly. And that will be recording on the 9th of August in Edinburgh, so keep 4 to 7pm on that day free if you're around and I'll tell you when the links up on the BBC website.

Yeah, I'm trying to work up a new show. I'll also be taking it to Soho Theatre at the end of August 22nd and 23rd. I'm really trying to build a new exciting show. I'm really nervous about my new idea, so I'd love to have some hogs in and I'll be honest, I'm really nervous about the radio show, so I would adore to have some young, interested, exciting people. who think I'm funny in the room. Please, come along. What's up, hogs? It's Helen Bauer here.

Just to let you know, I am going on tour this year. It's starting in Edinburgh. I'll be there from the 14th to the 27th, and then I'm hitting up Europe. I'm hitting up Paris. Halim, Copenhagen, the places you've been begging for me to go. And then all around the UK, apart from Wales, for some reason, I don't have a Welsh date yet. So please, if you're in Wales and you have a venue, just let me know and I'll just come there. We'll have a bit of fun. All the tickets are available on my website and I'd love to see you there

and please bring Helen Gifties. Thank you so much. Goodbye. Jesse, welcome, Jodie Mitchell. That was really good. That was really good. That was me going, Johnny, what are you doing? What are you doing?

I went for a cabaret vibe. No? I liked it. I felt it. I fell out. What's happening? Hello, welcome. You just caught a glimpse of all of our merch behind.

Merch things that people have sent us, gifts behind. More Diana than you expected? It is more Diana than I expected. Yeah. But maybe not even the right amount. I think there could be more. Thank you. No, no, I'm not doing this with you.

There's a Diana mug behind the crochet pigs. Oh, yeah, the pigs have to lie against the lovely Diana mug. We're getting a lot of crochet pigs at the minute. I love them. I don't think we could possibly get any more, but we sort of reached Max's crochet pig. There's never enough crocheted pigs and Diana In an ideal world we'd receive a crochet pig That is based off Diana

Like could you imagine With the engagement ring with the sapphire in it And then a speech bubble that's also crocheted Saying are you in love then And then Charles just the pig Charles next to her Going like whatever love is I think set it up at the Edinburgh Fringe You know how they have the woolen shops

That sell all the Diana match advice I think have a little like stool outside and sell your crocheted dietic. Can I say I just love a nice scented candle? I just like a nice scented candle. Is that too much to... I think we're covered for pigs. No, no, no, no.

We've only got a couple of pig things as far as I'm concerned. Sweet Jesus. Hello, how are you, Jody Mitchell? I'm good. Yeah? How are you up to? Thank you for asking because Helen certainly doesn't. How are you, Catherine?

I'm good. I'm good. Oh my God. She's such sarcasm. And what have you been up to? I've been, it's pride season now. Oh my gosh,

so you're busy, busy, busy, busy, busy. I'm busy, busy getting my reparations for being gay. Nice. From the corporate community. Nice. Are you doing a lot of pride gigs? Oh my God, so many. Yeah.

And a lot of like drag pride gigs, which you've got to get on it, Helen. Oh, no, no. Casper, I'm not allowed to do them, but I am allowed to go and support. Yes. But not, it's not my stage. There you go.

As an ally. I know, right? I can stand there. I can roll cigarettes for the lesbians. Yes. And I'm allowed to, like, wave a flag, but not necessarily wear it. But I can wear it if it's supportive.

Helen really wants to come to BDE, and I'm like, you can only come to it if you stay outside and light cigarettes. Yeah. Or maybe like cigars, kind of like the lesbians have all given birth to like one big baby. Oh, that's, and it's a cigar guy.

Oh, my God. But I think, because I've got such wonderful breast, the plan is that I just go to. pride events and just sort of like have my tits out and just let them all have a play on it. I mean, that is amazing. It's not generous. It is good.

I don't like that. Explain to me reparations. Do you guys get sandwiches free or something? No, you just get paid to do pride goods. Oh right, okay. Oh like international women's day sort of vibe. Yeah, but like in the same way where like half the gig offers you actually get are like, would you like to do this for free for a corporation?

You're like, no, absolutely not. Obviously, that's a terrible idea. I understood. But Jody, wait. So some of them you're doing standabout and some of them you're doing standabout and some of them you're doing drag at or I know you do both together but you so you know that Jody's a drag king John Travalva yeah I think can I tell you that you ever tell you that you sort of were the first drag king look this is there's no listen I don't want to be like I don't usually like female

comedians but I'm invited to be like oh my God it's just that you have to understand that like a lot of the time I'd seen drag kings before they were bad and And you're great. Right, right. And the thing is, I don't know why I'm more forgiving of a messy drag queen. It's probably internalized misogyny. Yeah. But like, there's something about, like, a messy drag queen who's, like,

acts all over the shop where I'm like, she's trying. But when I would see bad drag kings, I'd be like, harsh, baby. I think I was, I think I just was harsh. And also, then I saw you and you were just so amazing. And then I went to see pecks and it was so amazing. I never thought I'd get to be like a pick-mey boy. Yes! It's literally like the other kings.

Also, I assume that's not going to the first time. But now I've seen loads of great, but because of your show, I've seen loads of great drag kings. And I feel like a dick. You're hey now, hey. Frankly. It's a new shame for you. Just add it to the shame file.

Yeah, listen, and the pile's high. We're trying to get rid of Catherine's shame at the moment. It's actually getting worrying how much shame you can stack up. Joe, he's not going to help with that because we got another Catholic in there. No! No! Wait, two in one. No, Andrew, I didn't like it.

I don't like it. Sathy Bless was amazing. I'm sorry for what your priest did. Thank you. You're welcome. Listen, more ex-Catholic queers for the podcast, I say. Also, a great advertisement for people who are like, I'll send my kids to Catholic school because then they won't be queer.

Like, okay. Good job there. It doesn't work. It doesn't work. Putting you in a school with like all other girls, it just somehow. It just doesn't. I don't know what it is that makes us say about that. Gosh, what is it?

What is it? Because you finger each other in the bathroom. I wish. I wish that's all was happening. I'd love to see you, like, write some really unsubtle lesbian porn. Because a lot of it is very, like, and then they wrapped up against each other tenfully. I would love to see some, like, really, really brutal. Hell is, like, they pause from hockey to finger blast each other in front of everyone.

No, but it's a lot of, like, I've watched lesbian porn. I see, I see. It's a lot of gals like. Hell is much more than I have. Yeah, it gets me off because they're so kind with each other, right? And so gentle. And I feel like sometimes with guys, it's like, for some reason in porn, it's still like the bigger the better, but it's like,

ouchy, ouchy, ouchy, ouchy, outy, outch. And it's that you don't want to think ouch when you're like pleasuring yourself, right? I hate all of this. So it's like, they're just there for each other. And I genuinely appreciate that. But I could, I reckon I could write some good lesbian porn. Yeah, do it. Or get on the gay male porn.

That's my favourite, because that has backstory every time. Is that Julie Andrews? Because Andrews, because Andrew watches that. but on the backstory thing there's uh we accidentally so genuinely accidentally someone across this thing on amazon called helix studios presents now helix studios is a famous gay porn studio oh good for that like like specialise in twinks and stuff what they've done is they've taken the in-between and the build-up to all of their porn scenes and stitched it into a narrative in quotation marks so you can just

watch the narrative of these gay boys and then as As soon as they start making out to fuck, it cuts to after the fucking. And they're trying to like sell it as a drama series. Is it working? It's terrible. No, okay. That's a shame.

That's a shame. No one ever believes me when I say I don't watch porn, but I don't. I didn't at first. But it's it. I believe you now. Yeah, it just never has ever done anything for me. And I just get so concerned and I know that's so boring. But I just have never been like,

yeah, I feel like everybody's here of their own free will and that there are no countervailing narratives that make this. problem I never allow that to come into my brain. And it's so, I almost respect people's ability to do something. And also I just, I just don't find it sexy. I don't know why. Whereas like, if you give me some, a book with some sexual

insinuation, sweet Jesus. Oh, wow. So you can, you can more easily project onto like Mills and Boone 100%. It doesn't even have to be Mills and Boone. No, like, 1984. Animal Farm. Like, any sort of freak, like, yeah, a little bit of like, I can float up on the floor. A little bit of sexual tension in a book. And I'm like,

holy shitballs. Yeah, like, Around July, hello. Yeah, just like, yeah, real sexy. I love that. I wish I could do that. I wish I could be like, I love Big Brother, I love Big Brother. Like, that would be amazing if I could get off on a really well-written book. Yeah, congrats, Catherine.

No, it's not, Helen's misrepresenting me. I does have to have some sexual undertone. No, no, no, no, I saw a frighten herself stupid to two legs good, four legs bad. Although now that you say it. Choking herself whilst reading it. How do you know? You have such choke me girl energy. It's mad.

That's so funny because I think I have much more like I will choke you energy. No, no, no, no. You definitely want to lie down and be choked. No, you're wrong. No! Yeah, you're wrong. I feel like I know you and then I just absolutely fuck it up every single time. It's weird that you wouldn't assume I'm a top.

I think I have strong tough energy. I've always read Catherine as a femme top. Thank you. Thank you. You've got to remember that I'm new to this world in many ways. So I'm still learning. Little Baby Helen has so much song. Oh my gosh, she'll live so little.

No, I'm very much of them top. Did you want to hear about the book that turned me on? Yes, I'd love to. Bird song by Sebastian Ford. Catherine already knows this. We read it in year nine and it did have sex scenes in it. Oh my. Yeah, everyone got very obsessed.

So much sex scenes in it. Yeah. So many and it is hot. Do you guys ever like, like, um, like, wank to straight porn? I mean, you don't watch, but like, do you ever watch it for lulls? I trained myself to only watch straight porn for years. Why? Wait.

Why? Why? I don't mean why? I think just for the longest time I was like, this has to be good. People have put so much effort into it and I've really tried. I really tried.

I'm so gay. I'm so gay. I was like, come on. Enough people watch EastEnders. There's got to be something to it. It's so good, isn't it? Phil Mitchell is a real, it's a real, I didn't love it.

I didn't love it. Wait, so why, that's so funny and it didn't do anything for you in the end. No, and I tried so hard. That's so nice to commit yourself to the call. I'm going to send you a couple of links. but I'll put it on our patron I'll recommend everyone to wank along with me

for charity for pride we're gonna do a straight wank along for pride is that allyship I'm at see we can tell we can really tell I can't believe we read bird song in year nine was it one of those things where like

did your teachers used to do this when it's like everyone needs to read it and then for three lessons they realize that no one's reading it so you have to read it out loud altogether no we just did her homework oh right oh fuck you guys

this is the thing I mean, did you go to an all-girls school? Yeah, of course, I did. I don't want to just, like, project. Me too. A Catholic convent, all-girls school. Of course I did. Yeah.

I think there's just something about the environment that just means that everyone's like, and of course, we'll do our homework, like, good little girls. Yeah, and you just did it. I'd say my school was even another notch ahead of that, where like yours didn't do it. Yours are like, we're good girls. Ours who was like, I read it first.

I finished first. Academic Hot House fives. Yeah, really competitive. So not even like, it wasn't like you wouldn't read the book. It's like, oh, you haven't finished? Oh, you just read the chapters we were assigned. Oh, no, listen, that's something. I would have cried every day at that school.

Yeah, it's not for everyone. No, and it was very uncool not to do homework. Yeah, like, it wasn't healthy. Shut up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, like, I was head girl. So, like, you were head girl. I know.

So, again, I really tried with, like, gender identity as well. Wow, look at you. I know. Best girl head girl. You and Chloe Pets are the only two head girls I know. That's mental. Isn't that her? I really represent.

Now we're like, Daddy's home. Want to have a joke about the binary. Two head girls walked around with their chase. And their fucking car. Beinies. And there's non-binary realness.

Yeah. I think I had a bright red mullet when I was head girl. Like I was very, I wasn't like, what? Like ginger or like fake red? Like fake red, like bright. Kind of like your, um, your nails. That kind of red.

No. You would not have been allowed to be head girl in my school. Well, we got the uniform code. disappeared for our final year at the school because we were allowed to start being our own people and at that point I was like surprise so I had I had like really long curly hair like down to my hips and I was very I was very firm are you naturally change no it was kind of like I guess like in the sun it would go like a little bit ready I can see it in your eyebrow yeah oh my god I can see it that might be bleached

when I last bleached my hair but yes little little apples long curly hair and the uniform was like blouses and skirts very that vibe and then they took away the uniform and I was like I wear dungarees I have a mullet and the school was like no this is 16 yeah holy shit and 16 and were you so were you exploring gender in a meaningful way by then or do you think it was university I think I just watched skins at that point and that is in a total way a gender exploration it's a way making a serious conversation about gender expression I was just asking. I was just watching skins.

Yeah. I was like, wow, the one that cat plays is hot and it has a red mullet. Wait, is cat was the twins? Yeah, one of the twins. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't, wait, which one? Emily, Emily was the one that was the lesbian, I think.

Cool. Isaiah thing, I know. Yeah, I was like, why are you, I really think, cool, like, oh, someone's pretending not to know? Okay, cool. Emily and Naomi, obviously. I think that was the first time I saw lesbians

on, like, mainstream TV, so I got very into it. I was trying to figure out what my, queer awakening was feel good about back to school with help from Whole Foods Market thanks to their high standards

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You just have to hire one. You can hire top rated pros, seed price estimates, and read reviews all on the app. Download today. And I think really the earliest, earliest, earliest, memory I have of being obsessed with a woman and her presentation on television was Calamity Jane.

Wow. Oh, the Deadwood stages are rolling all over there. It's such a problematic. It's so problematic, but Doris Day is about Indians and Cowboys. Oh, yeah, you're right. Like, it shouldn't be allowed to exist. No, it's awful. The Native American representation is appalling. Like, appalling.

It's really, really bad. But Doris Day and Cowboy Boats and I was like, oh my, and also then a woman's touch, that is like, oh, it's the song that she and the showgirls sing when they're doing up the cabin into the, like, manly cabboy's cabin into like, oh, they're with a woman's touch. Of course the only porn Catherine likes is putting finishing touches. I'm like, on interior. Truly, truly, they're like, fend it up and they're like, a woman's touch. I was like, he's still be your ethical porn as the home edit and you're just a home guy. I thought the two of them were going to fuck and I was like,

This is so exciting. Oh my God. Because it felt like they were nesting. Like two women were you hauling. They were just doing it up for the man. But in that moment, I was like, they're perfect together. They should just love each other.

And I was a kid. So, yeah. Well, Skins are the first lesbians on UK TV then? No, for me, I mean, Sugar Rush was the big. Yeah, which I had to find on YouTube. I think I missed when it was airing. Yeah.

So I found it. But that was great because that was very like, I feel like a lot of. of the stuff that I watched when I was younger was very, like, good on bisexuality and not, like, shaming. Yeah, interesting. The girlfriend who had the sex shop,

what was her name? Oh, I don't remember. Don't look at me. I wouldn't watch it. Tweed us if you know the name. I was watching Playdays. Of course you were. 16 years old. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why Bird's got so many questions. What is Playdays? Sorry? Oh, it's like a kids TV show where, like, they go on different outings

on a roundabout, yeah. It's a different vibe. Fewer sex shops. So were skins for you, the big awakening? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I actually, weirdly, I watched it with the other person in my, I mean, all of my friends from school have now pretty much come out as queer because I changed them.

Yes, good, because it's contagious and we will infiltrate and we will turn. Do not send your kids to Catholic schools. Send them, send them. Yeah, they're all hell again now. Wow, that's interesting. But the first one to come out, we watch skins together, side by side, not touching on talking at each other. Yes.

Oh my God. We love those moments of like, I've got a straight question. Yes, Helen. Okay, so when you're in a group of people and you're all gay. That's why we brought you here by the way. It's the Q&A for Helen.

Yeah, to help you. And that's fair. We have to take it to us. Okay, so you all go through school together and then one of you comes out as gay, right? Like, do you all then, is it like, me too, me too, me too? Or do you like allow that person a week

before you jump in and join? Or is it like a case of like someone like opens up a conversation and you go, actually, I wanted to tell you this to, me too. Or do people realise at different ages to the point where you're sort of like, me too? And they're like, where were you? And you're like, I don't know. Interesting questions from our straight friend.

Okay. I think it varies in different situations. Really? I think we're going to have different answers. Go on. So I had both versions of that. So I kept a very secret for a long time. Also, I know.

Keep it safe. And there was a Catholic girl school down the road for me. And I was, of course, deeply in love with someone. If you're watching Sugar Rush on YouTube. Yes, but that was my secret. Home time. On our home computer that faced the living room. My bad.

Not doing that in the school. Go on. I know. Secret, secret. So when I did tell someone, she was like, oh my God, kind of me too. And then we made out. And then we were like, oh, you're like. But not for you?

Yeah. Oh, no. We were both like, ew, you suck. And we're like, oh my God, can there not just be like one lesbian that we can harvest for like mutual sexual satisfaction. No, we're still like best friends. Good, cute. We lived together for years.

Cute, cute, cute. Yeah, it was beautiful. So we were both like, oh my God, gay. Oh, you disgust me. Oh, that's a shame. Yeah, so sad. Gay, but not in that way. Yeah.

Who knew? One has tastes. Wow, that's fascinating. I am, I was the only queer person I knew in my school. Apart from, this girl used to send me chapters of the novel she was working on in her copy book. Oh my god What sort of fucking school is this

Outside of school hours You're working on a novel She'd be like can you read this And it was always like So sexual and so queer Of course And she had pink hair and lots of piercing So I assume she was queer

But she never said that And we never talked about it So I was the only one as far as I knew And then I did a guilty feminist debate And afterwards this girl who I'd been debating with in school was like this is my older sister

she's just come out of a marriage with a woman and I remember being like no no I was only gay in school and in my head I was like but that can't be right because I was the only special one then I was like oh it turns out of course anybody who was queer

in that school at that time was hiding it I wasn't alone it was just terrifying and it was an incredibly homophobic place to be and there's no way we could have said it. So obviously, obviously they were more than me, but I remember having my mind blown as if, like, had

somehow, like, because I felt so alien and so weird. Yeah. And had, like, had to keep it myself. And I actually couldn't fathom that there'd been another one. It's so hard to imagine, because I found that, that one. But there was also the thing of, like, making her in front of boys to get

boys to pay attention to you. So that happened. But then that had to be, just for the boys. Wait, wait, wait. You made out with other women. in front of boys for their entertainment. I mean, for me, I really, I just kind of didn't care that they were there because I don't really, I don't really see men.

It's weird. Andrew, wave, wave. See, I can see, I can see Andrew's shirt moving. On the shirt and the palm necklace and the rest of the rest of it. It's just voting purse. You can see the pearls of the earrings. I can see the lady bits. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So would you make out with like a straight girl and she'd be like, oh my God, the guy's going to love this? And you're like, yeah, for the guy. yeah I just care so much about them I'm glad they're having a good night well done me well done me it's the only way it's the only way for so long and then slowly my friends have come out

and we've all had a lot of chats where we're like if only if only we talked about it at the time but no it was not to be I thought people realise at different ages people are still realising sexuality so late on in life but also the context I would have been coming out in

would have been an actively hostile one Whereas, like, my brother and sister went to a state school a few years later. They had a rainbow club. It's like, well, yeah, like, I mean, I'm not saying it was an easier, necessarily an easier space to come out or even to acknowledge that at that time. But, I mean, at least there was, like, as an environment that was like, that's possible. I would say, I think that is an easier space.

I think it's not like, obviously everyone's, like, things different. But if your school is actively saying, like, there's a safe space here. We encourage it. You don't feel like you're going to get in trouble or the teacher's going to make you feel alienated. Then it is better. I'm even trying to write about this in the minute. but like I don't know how lesbians have children and that's a mad thing to say

as a person who went through a full education system like most people come out of school and are like here's how reproduction works and I'm like I don't know in relation to me no idea on friends to tell you right probably the same friends odys you have to be like

hey does anyone know a lesbian who's made this? Could you write a chapter on your novel? Truly it's like it's wild it's wild but yeah okay any hobbies for me Yeah. For the erotica you're going to write?

No, because the reason I ask is because we can't just ask you gay questions. Oh, I'm allowed. Oh, I see, I see. And no, no, you're doing great, Helen. Don't worry. You're being really, really bad. Go on, one more, what is it? Do you think it...

She actually asked one. Go on Ellen. Do you think it would be helpful to bring in, like, sort of like, women like me who, like, exclusively, like, are attracted to gay men to all boys' schools to like pick them out. So then they know. So like I'll go into a boy school.

Like a sniffer dog? Yeah. He'd be saying this about children, would you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The one that's singing Mary Poppins in the corner and the one that's choreographing a dance routine and crying because no one's taking it seriously. And then there you all know, so they don't have to go through the am I, should I push it down?

Would that be a helpful service during Pride Month for me to offer? Like a straight sniffer dog. Like I'll go into Eaton and I'll be like, right, boys, line up. This one, this one, this one, this one, this one. Can we make it that if you Google Am I Gay or straight quiz or anything like that, you're the first link and it just leads

straight into a Zoom call with you? Yeah. That feels more appropriate and like it'll be adult and often. How about it opens? It's just me with my tits out and they go, oh! And I'm like, okay, okay, okay. Good luck. All the best, all the best, never see you again. Let me know if you want to experiment.

I mean, that I think would be quite a good. service to Woffer, the online version. The inverse of which was the first time I, like one of the first times I had hung out with Ellen, you know her, um, Helen was going around a table in Edna. No, I hate the way you tell us the story. Hang on and I was actively encouraging slash facilitating. You forced me. No, no.

You were just dropping her tits on the heads of lesbians and like a weighted beanbag and every single one of them, you know, like it was like a confirmation test of lesbianism because every all of the women who were gay the straight women were like the gay women like every single one that went oh

wow that sounds amazing I didn't really know any I mean Catherine Ellen and Charlie wait but how did it start Helen how didn't you know anyone else that well and Catherine was like Catherine was G and T drunk

and Catherine's G&T drunk is like the aunt at the wedding that's just like everyone's like probably going to wrap it up soon she's like I'm a mega man I'm like, it's best of my TV means for everybody! So I arrived and Catherine was like, I know what we'll bring the group together because it was landing and slightly.

It's her party trick. And then I realised I had introduced myself to people. So I've got like, oh, boom. I'm Helen, by the way, I'm a friend of Patrick. And they were like, oh, thank you so much. It was awesome. No, they had the greatest night of their lives. Yeah, no, honestly, I think that's beautiful.

Isn't it nice? It's like a serapet. But with breasts. Which, as someone that's allergic to dogs, I mean, that's my, that would be great. I'll do it to you if you weren't. I mean, like after the recording, I'd be more than happy. I feel like we've got enough footage of me having my tip dropped on someone's head. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I just think it's a service that's beautiful. Isn't it nice? And I'm sure you did really bring the group together. You did, you bonded everybody. Yeah, I think, but then I had that thing of like, you know when you're like, I've just done something really big in the group and now I need to go get myself a drink. And then that feeling of like, I've got to go get a drink, but like, there's no way this is not the topic of conversation. Yeah, yeah.

When I depart, they're going to discuss it. And we did, but in a nice way. You be in a nice, yeah, promise. Okay, maybe I'll do that. Maybe I'll come to Pride this weekend and do that. That'd be so nice. Free boobs. Yeah, do it.

I'll be in, all right, anyone want to find me, I'll be in the centre of Soho Square, and you'll see me because I'll be like this, just waiting. And any lesbian that walks past, it's just going to get dropped on the head. It's Pride this weekend. What are you doing, Jody? I think I'm going to go and have a little party.

Yes. That's what I'm doing. Yes. Party, party party. And is that like a... Everyone watches Sugar Rush on YouTube? Yeah, it's mutual fap-off, yeah. I fucking knew it.

I fucking knew that's what you guys do. I shouldn't be talking about it. Jody, you're doing Edinburgh Fringe. I am. Don-d-don-don-don. Which is probably known as the ultimate group fap-off. Yeah, it really is fair. That is a big group fap-off.

That's a long fap-off. You've got to have some stamina for that now. So you're going, what's your show called? It is called Becoming John Travolver. Yes! Which Helen and I did a radio interview the other day where the interviewer had to say, Trevolver, and Helen just started giggling.

Because I was in old of that, he said, John Travolver. And I was like, be professional, Helen, be professional. The mics were on, and I just, I couldn't breathe from her. That's so funny. Immediately undermine the professional tone of the interview. And you were trying to talk about your show. And I was like, ha ha ha. It is a very funny name.

Vulva. You know, I have. What's it a dragon? I want to have it in every show. Please. So wait, so first debut, debut hour? Debute hour, yeah. Exciting, nervous.

Where will you be? Oh my God, Helen, get it together. Where will you be? The pleasant? I'm doing the pleasance below. Pleasance below is a pity it's not beneath, but below is pretty good for Volvo. It's good, it's good.

And what time? It is at 10 to 10 in the evening. Very excited. Can you get it together? No, it's because if you get wet, Ellen's gotten so much out of the show that I didn't intend to be. Yeah, I think you could do this as you're opening 10, honestly.

So, wait, are you going to be John Trevolva for the whole show? Oh, I haven't been, give away. Intrigue. Will it be a will I not be. Intrigue. Reveals, reveal. You'll tell me off mic, though, right? Yeah, yeah. Actually, we're previewing together.

Oh, yeah, you'll see it. I love watching you do stand-up as John so I think it's going to be an amazing show you should go see it if you like what Helen and I do you'll love Jody's show I have no doubt about it probably about that

I think they're gonna love it I really think Trustee Huggs fans would adore your adore your act That's very kind of you They do clearly have great taste Thank you Oh yeah

Take a risk guys Listen no one of all this Hey why not I assume that's part of it Oh yeah okay good Oh good Yeah you'll love it Helen It's the whole thing though isn't it

What? No, it's the hood. It's the clit hood. Wait, no, no, no, I know this. I do know this. Why I'm looking at Andrew? Are you trying to figure out how much of the genital counts as the vulva? It's the vulva, the vulva, it's like the thing, isn't it?

It's the whole thing. It's the whole thing. I said that first, and then you went both quiet, so I thought I'd got it wrong, so I panicked to start saying the hood. The hood. The hood. A lot going on there. And then the vagina is there? The hole.

Hey, Andrew, you got a problem for us and Jody? Oh, before you, we do actually, Jody, what kind of advice giver are you? Listen, advice, it ranges. It ranges from useful to surreal nonsense, but I'm going to do my best to engage. Okay, I love an advice giver who's like, oh, I'll try to listen. That's never good. It's never good. Never good.

I like that. I love a problem. I like to space hold. Andrew, give me a queer problem, and I'll take it. Oh, for the room, I'll take it. I've got a very engaging one. Great, great. If you're trying to engage you.

I think you'll like this one. All right, Andrew, who's it from? This is from Jay. Hi, Jay. This, before I start, can I just say, I'm very aware this sounds made up and more like something that happens in Eastenders, but this is 100% true.

We're in. We're in. I don't know how to explain it succinctly, so let's go. My mum is in her 50s and has never settled down. Her average relationship time is about five years. She's had a variety of boyfriends over the last 30 years, including multiple drug addicts, abusers and losers. Wow.

She has terrible taste in men. Thanks, Jay. A few of the drug addicts had a very good heart, but obviously was a source of much chaos. Any way. Addicts are people, yep. Yeah. Anyway, I've luckily managed to come out with this upbringing

with a very level head on my shoulders. My younger brother was less fortunate and went to rehab last year for an addiction, amongst other things. This followed around 15 years of problems and he's finally celebrated six months clean which is the most amazing news Congratulations, congratulations, congrats

We're both gay men in our alien Oh God, gosh the life, sorry What happened there did you spit by accident? Are you all right? Did you start to drool when these brothers were both gay? They're both gay men. They're both gay men. Two gay brothers, yes and do it happens. Both get men in our early 30s and get on really well.

I'm very proud of him. Anyway, here's the the drama recently my mom got a new boyfriend we're only getting to the drama I'm loving the context that was important context here we go gay men know how to spin a yarn and they really do here is just one of the background stories from the porn yeah um you're not far off actually recently mom got a new boy friend I met him last Christmas and he seemed like the usual sort of down and out and I thought she could do much better but he wasn't totally awful so I wasn't that worried so harsh on the mom day really

he was in his early 40s which felt about right for mum she likes the younger man I called my brother for a general catch-up and asked if he'd met this guy yet his response was is she definitely with him then I thought this was odd

but you know you never know with mum I have a guess I have a guess I have a guess what's your guess are you like to guess the drama go on the brother and the new boyfriend

are hugging up yeah sorry for screaming sorry for screaming sorry for screaming oh my God I could Totally right, he's tenders. My brother dropped the absolutely insane bombshell that he and my mum's new boyfriend

once shared a bed together while on drugs and kissed and groped for the entire night. Wait, which drug? Because MDMA, like everybody's touchy-feely on MDMA. Yeah. I don't know. It doesn't work for me. I think it's my ADHD.

It just neutralises the MDMA. Are you fucking, that's mad. Yeah. Sorry. So I would have just laid there like a little stiff cardboard being like, Maybe it was CalPol or paracetamom, we don't know. Wait a second, so they did drugs together and hooked off. Yeah.

Is there more? The brother told the mum and the mum said, well, we kissed years and years ago anyway, as if the question of who had had him first is the real issue. My brother can't get over this and doesn't know what to do. If he feels betrayed by mum and doesn't really want to speak to her unless this relationship ends, what shall I do? I want my brother to have the support he needs in recovery

and I'm really annoyed with my mum for choosing this new boy. friend over him the problem is this is typical of her I think she has co-dependency issues when it comes to men she does not see straight but neither do you I don't sorry sick fan do my brother and I just sit and wait for the relationship to never fully end because it will but that might take years what should we do oh I've got the quick quick one just really quickly for me again you're not excited when she says quick you're about to make the quickest £250 you've ever made okay take a break magazine make some stories like

this they pay 250 quid apart if you're willing to send in five personal photographs i don't want to talk about how i know this okay so you send in photographs you write out the story to be honest with you you've done most of the legwork there and then you get 250 quid and then you can deal with the rest of it after that but that should be your first poor of course they're more likely to print it if it turns out that the new boyfriend is a ghost but that's just that's just for me yeah for me throw that in just as uh yeah yeah get creative wow it's so good jay this is so good that's a juicy issue um you must be such a good first date just for that story alone. Like, you'd be like, wow.

A lot going on there. I want to, on the one hand, be incredibly sensitive, but on the other hand, you write your own life with such I suppose, like, intrigue and gossipy like tone that I think it's okay for us to talk about this. That's really hard to know what to do. I think that the priority here

is exactly as you have identified, Jay, which is like... You're the one that's left out, get with the guy as well. What? No. What were you going to say? that's so upsetting well you don't want to be like the only one of family

I think hasn't had him you know because then that's less sad isn't it like you don't want to be left out I hate I'm a middle child so I never want to be left out we can tell no I was thinking more like

the priority is your brother's well-being at this particular time and that really six months into sobriety that's such a delicate time and he needs you more than your mom needs you right now it sounds like

oh this guy I think that I would say, like, to my mom, that this is what my brother needs from you. I need to prioritize his well-being, but if you can't give it to him, if you can't be supportive of him, then I'm going to have to just, like, give him my full support. If that means, like, him not seeing you for a while while this plays out, then so be it, don't you think? Yeah, I'm with that. Six months in.

Yeah, so money helps for support. So the take-a-break thing would, like, that £1050 goes a long way into, like, doing things without alcohol and drugs, like bowling. I don't think that we support, we were necessarily leaning. into the take a break thing so much is like the supporting your brother thing yeah but that's as part of it isn't it because like financial support is also a form of support like I feel for the mom I actually do feel for the mom there's obviously something going on if you are willing to be with a partner who who diminishes your relationship with your child and who has been with your child sexually

and who both of your children have an issue with you obviously have like a core need that's not been met in you for like love and relationship so I do have a huge empathy um for her but i think like you have to prioritize your brother yeah or that situation at the very least needs a big talk out it needs like brother and mom and other brother all sitting down together being like how do we deal with this just a picture of the guy nude on the wall obviously i worry about that context though because it feels like that could be really triggering for the brother and also the mother could feel ganged up on so if i think if anybody's going to have a talk Yeah, it needs to be coming.

Yeah, it needs to be coming. And the, well, I more mean, like, that it feels like it's the mum that's kind of creating this situation, right? So the owner should be on her to be like, I'm in a spacehold. What do you need? How are you feeling? What do we do? I'm going to listen to you.

And Jody, because it sounds important, but I thought it was like, like, going to keep somebody's seat at the cinema. I mean, that's also spaceholding. Okay, great, great, but I just mean creating, like, emotional safety. for him to talk about what's going on for him. Oh, like, holding space for a person. Yeah, exactly. So just being like, this time is for you to tell me how you're feeling, and then I'll respond to it lovingly without dismissing you.

Oh, welcome God into your lives. There's another option. Worked for us. It definitely did, yeah. That seems like the solution. Gives you that special skill to just not think about the thing that's playing on that. Yeah. Because it costs a lot to have someone come in and, like, run these discussions,

but if you invite like a Jehovah's or something in, they probably do it for free. Just suppress those feelings. Witnesses. You invite a witness. I think what witnesses I assume so I was just I was just

being silly I thought that was like you're literally I thought that was like Remember the body You could You could like use God to shame your mom

And to getting rid of him Andrew if you're a Jehovah's witness Are you a witness or a Jehovah? Oh it's a good question I'll find out Because Jehovah's the God right So the witness would be The person who witnesses Jehovah

Oh that's interesting I did not know that Jehovah was God. Isn't Jehovah the like spirit or the... There's a name for the spirit. Andrew, what's... Tell me. They're just called Jehovah's Witnesses, so I assume they'd be witnesses, yeah. Yeah, but what... Are they witnessing Jehovah and what is Jehovah?

What is Jehovah? One second. Tell us, Andrew. What is Jehovah? This is actually helpful for you when you think about it. Jehovah is a Hebrew name of God. Yeah. What up? I do know some stuff. Well, then get some Jehovah's witnesses in.

and like talk it through with them. I can't circle back. I'm not sure that's the way. I think that you're right. I think the mom should hold space, but I honestly don't, I'm going to say it. I don't think that's going to happen. Yeah.

So I think you have to protect and take care of your brother right now. And... Do a juice cleanse. Maybe. There's a... Can you take your clip off your... Yeah, thank you.

Clip off your lip. Thank you. What a mad thing to have to ask an adult woman to do. You just take your hair clip off your lip while we discussed this very serious problem. Nobody's playing devil's advocate. So I would just say, there's probably someone at home probably not because we have great listeners

but there's probably someone at home being like shouldn't the brother just get over it? No, I mean the thing is the brother's feelings about it are real and quite valid The mom is not Good to distinguish between those Because now I'm like

Oh so when people say my feelings are real They don't necessarily mean valid Yeah exactly, exactly They're not ridiculous feelings to have um so yeah i think for jay it's about just behaving the best you can in the circumstances because if other people are not behaving well then you just have to yeah prioritize your brother being okay the first time me and my mum shared a guy yeah it was awkward but you do get over it this is like my greatest fear that actually happened not obviously not okay i was assuming not

not that i know not that i know i would have responded with more fear you can never be sure Like a mythical marvel Focus at me Look at me Hello Where can people follow you on Instagram Oh they can follow me at At Jody Mitch etc

Fabulous Where can they find you on Twitter At Jody Mitchell underscore Fabulous What about Are you on TikTok?

No That's fine Where can they see you at the fringe They can see you at the Pleasins At 10 to 10 In the beneath In the below Yes

And the show is called Becoming John Travolva Yes And they can go see your queer line-up show, the lull word at Soho Theatre? Yes, come and see that. And is there anything else you'd like to push? Oh, just please come and see my work in progress shows

so that I can, you know, write the show and stuff. That would be so great. Come see me and Jody, Fourth of July in Bath. Yes, of the Candidia. I did a shout out on BBC Radio Bath for this. If you are attending, my train gets in too late and the flap jackery will be shut. Jody's never had a flap, Cherry Bakewell, was it?

You are really, yeah. A Cherry Bakewell Flapjack and they've got a new like praline hazelnate you think I'd love two of those Thank you so much You were going to say one and then you I'd love one

I'd love two of those Neil also likes them Oh I want one three three three Okay you know what Can you get that that box Of ten different flapjackettes Andrew probably like a couple Thank you so much

We'll look forward to seeing you there with our gifts You have to say Jody Mitchell everybody Yay you so much to our executive producers Guy Goodman, Simon Moores, Mary Fox Annie Tonner, Sarah Harke-Dacon, Oliver

Jago and Stuart Kerr, we are so grateful you are so generous. Thank you so much. Rock my fucking world! And here's to our amazing producers, Richard Bicknell L, Richard Vald, Neil Redman, Victoria Hutchinson, Emma Walton, Harold Van Droich, Tim and Dom,

David Borker, Rachel R, Anthony Conway, Sandy Cashmore, Clare, Howard Jones, Jess and Nick, Zoe, Sarah, Mali, Ria Fink, Cordelia, Rachel Page, Helen A, Tina Lindsay, Graham Marsh, Amy O'Reardon, Abby Woff, Key Webb, Matt Sims, Luke Bright, Leah, Kate Spencer, May Williams, Tristan, Liz Fort, Taz, Clow, Becky Fox, Amy, and Emily G. That hurt my face. Well, honestly, I'm going to go up for some more acting stuff, I have a headache. I have a headache. Thank you so much for supporting our podcast.

Thank you so much. Thank you.