Trusty Hogs - Ep93. Peacekeeping, Pensioners & Problematic Partners

Episode Date: July 13, 2023

Catherine & Helen deep-dive (read five emails then get distracted) into the Trusty Hogs inbox this week to solve problems new, update problems old, and as always, thrive... from war zones to some Helen-trouncing sleepwalk shame, it really is a wild mailbag special...Thank you so much for listening!Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Guy Goodman / Simon Moores / Mary Fox / Annie Tonner / Sarah Jarque-Deakin / Oliver Jago / Anthony ConwayPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Harald van Dijk / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Sarah & Molly / Raia Fink / Cordelia / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Graham Marsh / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Kie Web / Matt Sims / Luke Bright / Leah / Kate Spencer / Mae Williams / Tristin / Liz Fort / Taz / Klo / Becky Fox / Amie / Emily GeeWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

avoiding your unfinished home projects because you're not sure where to start thumbtack knows home so you don't have to don't know the difference between matte paint finish and satin or what that clunking sound from your dryer is with thumbtack you don't have to be a home pro you just have to hire one you can hire top rated pros seed price estimates and read reviews all on the app download today hello trusty hogs andrew here i'm just dropping in before the episode to say first of all thank you for listening and downloading the show we really appreciate all your support and we really appreciate especially your patience over the last few weeks. I know we've been settling into the new studio. We've had a few audio issues. We've had a few video issues. There might be a lingering bit of audio issue at the very start of this episode. But otherwise, I think we've got all the settings right now. We obviously got into the new studio, then we got a new camera, and then the camera died, and they got a new laptop, and the laptop didn't save the settings. Anyway, long story short, it's been a kerfuffle, which is ironic because that's the name of the production company.

but thank you for your patience thank you for sticking with us and we are all good moving forward so thank you so much lots of love enjoy this week's episode and we'll see you soon hello and welcome episode 93 of trusty hogs Helen

I'll tell you what our podcast my podcast our podcast recently came my podcast really did play in my ears the other day I'm subscribed but as you know I refuse to listen and it appeared in my ears the other day and yikes. We're horrible. I hate it. So let's try to be serene. Okay. Hey,

welcome to episode 93 of Trustee Hogs. You're okay. Everything's okay. It's safe here. Oh, what? This is a podcast where Helen and I tell you about our lives. We're two comedians. We're living our best lives. And then usually we have a celebrity comedian on to tell us what's going on with them and also we help solve listener problems. Now, today, I'll be honest, we have a backlog of problems. So we are going to do a mail bag special. that our audience were as traumatized as they are. What a shocker. I mean, we knew.

Why would they enjoy this if they didn't have past trauma? I would make no sense. We go to live shows we look out. And it's just like women who are like, yes, actually, we know what that is. You don't explain it. Yes, you do not make to explain it. It's a bit of fun. Let's talk dosage and get specific.

Welcome to Trustee Hogs. Woo! Through the fog, step for the trusty hogs. Yeah. You're going to get a little. You'll solve them, or maybe they'll won't, and that's your problem. They'll have guests and Andrew White on the tech. Oh, it's Helen and Catherine as the trusty hogs.

Trust the trusty hogs, or maybe not. Shout out last night, by the way, I did a gig where I rehearsed my new two-part radio show. You did two hours last night. I saw that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my God, so many messages from, in particular, men being like, sorry, you don't seem to realize you have two gigs. And I'm like, yes, I do. I'm doing two. I often do two. Sometimes they even do three in one night. I've got Hermione Granger Energy, but without the, you know, transphobic writer. The point is, um, look, last time I did this rehearsal for this, I'm doing a two-part radio series on Women in Power. And I did my first run through and it was really nice. But afterwards, a really cool person with a shaved head who dragged their partner to the whose name I didn't catch but is a fan of the podcast was like, high-shaped head person. High-shaved head person outside Angel.

They were like, I have an extremely new obsession with your podcast and also, I'll be honest, a power of social relationship with you both. And I was like the honesty and upfrontness and the way in which their partner had obviously just been like, made come to this thing

was so sweet and earnest that I was like, I love this from you. Also really needed it because the first person who met me off stage was an older man who was telling me my show's about women in power who was there to tell me that I need to speak slowly.

And I was like near a parody of a man. Also, I could see him. He was waiting. They was so excited to tell you. He was desperate. He couldn't hold it in but to her to tell me. And I was like, fuck off. Also, I was like, obviously, I mean, I speak quickly.

And he said no one would be able to understand me. And I was like, um, did you take it as an Irish thing. Yeah, absolutely did. I was like, like you were going to be a prick. Anyway, all of this is to say. I had to tell you about a gig not either of those gigs but a different gig

I know which gig you mean which one I was with Jodie Mitchell last night in Bath No I don't think it's the gig you think I'm talking about What gig do you think I'm talking about? I heard something about you

What's you hear? Right you know Catherine's brand for the last like fucking 10 months has been I'm going out with a butcher but we haven't moved in with each other I haven't moved my butchin

I haven't moved my butchon I'm like an elevated lesbian because I haven't moved my butchon apparently you this is true because I was like yeah that was 100% her we're backstage at the L word gig right

LLLLLLLLLB even with or sorry Elwood LRLLLLD you know what I mean like it's a play on the thing yeah yeah yeah backstage and you were talking to all the lesbians holding court being like my butcher's moving in in September

but we've left it quite a while no she's not you know I've got a butcher she's not moving in here you've misheard of you've misheard your back there I'm not missered your back there I'll tell you what's happening absolutely not. No, her tenancy is up in October. Mine is up in January and she's asked me to

move in together then, which is what we're going to do. But she's not moving in and I'm not, I refuse to live with another girlfriend in that flat. We're actually going to find a place together. You told me that. Then you were backstage and this is what I had that you were holding lesbian court. I hate to break it, but show him off to all the butchers about that. You have a bitch. Hate to break you, but Jodie Mitchell has misheard the facts there. Sorry. Jody Mitchell, now enemy of the podcast. No, not enemy of the podcast. Enemy of the podcast. But may I say, that's what happens when you listen to gossip, Helen Bauer.

That's what, although I did enjoy being reminded that I have a nice switch. Because I did, she fixed my fridge this morning. Zook. Butch, butch, budge, put them to work. Put them to work. I know to see her this week. How did you go to?

No one's told me what dates. No one's told me the day. She was referred to in the Guardian as fabulously rikish. I just see that. We do. What do you? You're going this week. I'm going on the day that this release Thursday.

Woohoo. I'm not three, Andrew. Are you going to the matinee or the evening show? The matinee. The matinee. I might be free, Andrew. Hey, you should go. It's so fun.

It's so fun and she's so good in it. She's so good. Last night, last night they got rained off. And the only time it has happened in the run. And so I went to meet her after my two gigs. And her and her castmates had all just got absolutely plastered. They were obviously like so like gussed slash like on surprise to have a night off. They all went like she went too hard.

I have just text her about that. she to say, can I tell you about last night because, or is it a secret? So I'm waiting to hear back. If she says, yes, I'll tell it in the extra is a very funny story from last night. And I get to my point, which is a gig. Oh, I wanted to know. How does it take an Irish woman to get to the story she declared she was telling? Usually an hour.

How long does it take her to force feed me something, though? Five minutes. Yeah, no, to be fair, she was a woman girl. Now then this story, if you don't mind, I have to tell it, Tina, I'll tell you for why, because I was on stage at ARG. the actual rather good Why don't take me so long to get to the stories?

I wonder, is it just me or is it also the level of interruption I do seem to be getting? I'm nervous. Did you see my hands shake? Because I was like, my gosh. I'm on day two of my periods. Could you please put your hands down?

Can you put your hands down? Thank you so much. Lower your hands. Okay, so I'm at ARG and as I was saying what was happening, I was like, okay, does anyone listen to our podcast? And there were a few listeners in, and I was like, sweet.

When I have mentally processed this, I will talk about it on the podcast. And they were like, cool, we look forward to hearing about it. So thus I have to. I'm at ARG. By the way, I fucked Pride because I did a Pride brunch and then went to ARG and then had another gig in the evening, which actually I'm really glad I did. It was really fun. But the point is I didn't get to celebrate being gay at all. But you did get paid to be gay.

No. The themes of neither gig were gayness and nor that. was a charity gig, I did it was for free. No, it was all for leukemia. My God. No, listen, it's important. Almost as important as being gay. And so, I regret saying that.

So, listen, I go to do ARG, usually a fabulous festival, and indeed it is. It is. It is. It is. No reflection on it. Yeah, and you get those lovely biscuits, don't you, with your face on? Really warm crowd, really, like, comedy-friendly crowd. I go in to start my preview.

And may I be honest, I'd rushed from the Pride brunch. I wasn't as prepared as I would have liked to have been. Sweaty Catherine? Very sweaty. I love sweaty Catherine. She gets so warm. She gets so warm. It's so funny to say that because I didn't stop sweating for my whole show last night.

The first one, I was like, because I'd run in the rain. Oh, God, I could feel, I could watch. I could see my sweat from my chin going to the floor. Hell, oh, Bart. If anyone wants to have an image of what's sweaty Catherine like, you know, when you watch an episode of Pingu when you're younger, and you're like, how angry is this penguin? Like, that is Catherine.

It's true. I'm getting why that man told me to slow down. Anyway, so I'm at IRG and I'm already sweating. I'm very stressed. I have not prepared as much as I want to do. I ran there. I go on stage and it's an L-shaped room, always quite stressful.

And I start to speak into the mic. So I'm like, hey, how are you? Everyone having a nice day. I'm doing well. I'm well. I'm emotionally quite stable. And then the mic just begins to be pulled from my hand. and I'm like, oh, it's caught.

So I'm pulling at it. And it goes out, the cable goes out to a double door, about through a double door behind me. And at this juncture, I'm like, somebody is pulling on the other side of this cable. I'm like in a, I'm doing like a back and forth. Like, what are those things where you go, like where you pull? Tug of war.

Thank you. I'm having a tug of war whilst I tried to intro my new material. It's hell. I'm like, is anyone noticing this is a nightmare. But eventually I'm like, somebody's, you guys are seeing this, right? Is there a ghost on the other side of the door? Eventually, so strong is the grip of this person that they pull the mic from my hand.

I have to go down and be like, hello? Out of the double door, here's a head. It's Spencer Jones. He's like, sorry, Catherine, that's my microphone. I was like, excuse me what? He was like, that's my own microphone that I brought from home. I was like, what the hell is going on?

And that is the horribly inauspicious start to what is a very, very stressful gig. I'll explain why. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, go, boy, go, boy, go, boy. He left his microphone on stage, and then instead of asking for it back, he just pulled it to my hands. He loved Spencer's so mad.

And may I say, that is what it is to be a woman in comedy, having your voice ripped from your hands by a male comedian behind a door. But there was another mic on stand. Like, in the corner, it wasn't like it was obvious that I should use that one instead of, yeah. You are fun. I know, it was, that wasn't even the, like, to be clear, that wasn't the worst part of the gig.

That's how badly it went. There was a point at which I said, God, I wish my mic was being torn from my hands right now. Oh, and did they laugh at that? People like it when you reference you're doing badly when you're doing badly. Yeah, so I was like talking about the cultural trope within lesbianism of remaining friends with your exes, of which, as you know, I highly disapprove. So I was like, hey, is anyone friends with their exes? And this woman in the room was like, me.

And I was like, cool, how many are you friends with? And she was like, well, two of them are dead. And I was like, so obviously I'm me. So instead of, like, I'm, I'm me. So I should have left it alone. But no, I don't leave it alone. So I'm like, okay, cool. is that when they die,

you make them acquaintances rather than friends. Like, I'm like, shut up, Kevin, why am I. You've got a medium ghost route with that? Oh, I went all of the ways with it, to be honest.

You're like, I went scattergun all the bad ways. I should have been like, I'm sorry for your loss. No, no, no, you listen, stored away, baby. And it was as tense as you think. The room did what you guys did, which is like the hiss, wince, like gasp,

like, like, like, inverse orgasm. And we didn't really win it back from there, to be honest with you, as it transpires after my 45 minns on this woman because of course, of course, I spent up my whole time talking to her. Your panic into crowdwork is one of my favourite things.

Do you know what it was? I kept looking at my notes of my new material and all it said was taxidermy graveyard's mother's obsession with death. What was it was like? Taxidermy bit finally. I am. Thank God. Yeah. But you know when you look down and you're like, there's no way out. I have no root out of this. And so I was like, oh, God. I have nothing cheery for.

from which to bounce off of this. So I am, I'm talking to her and it transpires. She's the lady who's made the biscuits. Oh, no. I know. I know. So listen, a hellish day for Catherine. I hope she's all right.

Shout out to Kate. And I think it was Kate. God, I hope it was Kate now that I, oh, God. Just on the other hand, I did ARG on Sunday and had a wonderful time. Fuck off. One of those previews are just slapsed different from the very moment you step on stage. Audience having the best time. just a laugh a minute, 24-7 banter,

just incredible, like carried out of there, had a Pokemon player in the room who messed me saying, and we're actually friends on Pokemon, we went outside and did a trade. I hate you. Also, may I say, like, I should have known that it wasn't going to go well.

Who does a gig, me, new material, with no lesbians in the room? They were all at pride. Like, it was just me and a bunch of dads. It was never going to go well. The dads loved me. But one of our hogs was there, Daniel, I think.

So thank you for coming. and I've heard a couple of hogs running around at ARGX. I met a couple of them. Snorting around the joint. I can snorn it out. Shall we listen to their problems, Helen? Andrew, I'm Helen. Yeah, I'm talking to you.

Oh, I thought you were doing like a down the lens thing. Yeah, I was just doing a segue. We are so not in sync right now. No, what's going on? There's a compliment circle quickly. No, I think he needs a compliment circle. You don't, you know, that hour step. No, we are.

Whoa, Andrew. Because I did really well this weekend and Catherine died. And Andrew, you don't get a compliment circle. Andrew, you don't get to police when we compliment circle. Sorry. Whoa. I get sick of men. Well, Andrew's now in the compliment circle.

Yeah, he has to be. I didn't scream. You raised. Oh my God. Right. Right. It's a second necessary compliment circle in two weeks. Oh, God. Right.

Okay. Andrew, I'll go first. I like your nails today. Thank you. Very nice. Well, your nails always look fabulous. Good. Thank you.

They are sparkly and pink. Helen. You look. beautiful. Thank you. And you're speaking at genuinely quite a level tone for you today. Thank you. Why does it always have today at the end of it? It feels like so much more.

I keep the compliment specific. I know, but it's like it's so specific. It's almost like it's a compliment for today and an insult for every other day. Okay, I'll go next. Next. Andrew, your heart is what I'd like to compliment today. Thank you. Do you just laugh into your water, Catherine?

Okay. Your capacity for love and your generosity for all those around you, you truly put others first. And as someone who was currently re-watching 19 kids and counting after the documentary that came out on Amazon, it's reminded me the importance of having a servant's heart. And you truly embody that. So thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Catherine, today I appreciate that you came in and said, I'm swearing like a bit. because I love it when you start gross. Keep it real. It does make me feel like we're being real.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Okay. My turn, I guess. Andrew Gay. Well, I've got two compliments. Number one, I went through all your reels recently because we had a bit of back and forth on Instagram.

No, we didn't. No, we didn't. A bit of back and forth Instagram. I shared one of Andrew's reels, and he was like, oh my God, thank you so much. It's like, you fucking loser. Oh. I share people's reels all the time.

You've never shared any of... Have I not shared your reals? reels before. I think you have you shared my name? Never shared mine. Yeah, I was thinking like have I never done this before. Have I never? Never ever. That's so bad. It's pretty sad. I'm so sorry. Especially since it seems like you've been sharing Andrews all the time. All the time. Not even like one for one ratio. Well, um. Helen also shared one of my reels on the trusty hogs

account. Yeah. I really appreciated. But I think a lot of people did assume that was you. Did assume that I did. It's my own real. If anyone, I also have access to the trusty hogs Instagram. account. Catherine's the only one that's blocked from it. I don't have it. Just admit it. I don't want it. I don't want it. I don't want it. I don't want it. My life's already stressful enough. I help out, don't I, Andrew. I do. Yeah. That's actually, well, that's my second compliment. The first compliment with very funny reels. And especially when you're clipping up your special at the moment, which is out today on YouTube.

Oh my God. Today's the day. Get it. Get it. Get it. She looks so fit and her boobs are so nice in it. Stop listening. Don't stop listening. Go to YouTube and watch my spats off. Have it both ways. An audio surround visual experience. Experience. Sorry, there was a second one I believe. You're helping out.

You're working on the merch stuff at the moment, and I just love all your design ideas and all the work you're doing for it. Thank you. Oh, that is a little, like, teaser for what's coming up for Drusty Hearts. That's really nice. And we've been talking over the last couple of days

about, like, we want to give you guys like a really fun merch line. And Catherine's been very clear that the lesbians need access to beanies and baseball caps. I think you're right. I'm just glad that you said it because I feel like

my said it would be like I just straight women and be like I just think we've got to know who we're talking to. Because of their greasy roots, yeah. No, how dare you? No, obviously not. How dare you? How dare you? Lesbians, if anything, shower too often.

These women are showering every single day because they have short hair and they can get away with it. The rest of us. Not a lesbian's live, Matt and Beckham. How dare you? How dare you? How dare you?

dare you. Actually, go fuck yourself. You are unworthy of your audience and by that I mean the incredible lesbian loyalty this podcast has accrued. So behave yourself. Hello, queer's happy pride. It's too late for that. Oh, by the way, can I, may I promo something?

Yeah, but we haven't done the much thing yet. But it's nothing to sell yet, baby's still designing it. Just the colouring book. But can I not tell them about the idea? No, you tell them when they're out. Okay, they're really cute. Oh my God. She wants to tell you promo an idea that she hasn't fully completed. That's so cute. On Saturday,

that's Saturday the 15th, if you're listening to this on a Thursday, on Saturday at 1pm, is it Andrew? I'm doing a whip for my radio show online. So if you're in a different time zone, or if you're just don't like to leave the house, 1pm, you can still be in your pyjamas, please, by all means, please. Tickets are on our link tree

and on my website. I'd love to see you there. I just need to read it out to some fun ideas to smart people, I'd love to see it there. It's a throwback to Gigglas, if anyone is there from those days. If you're a new listener, Gigglas, who knows what that is? Please. Also, I'm having a brunch beforehand,

so I think I'll be a little bit fun. If you know what I'm saying. I think you know what I'm saying. You know what I'm saying. Okay, so, mailbag special. Let's do this thing. How long have we done before we've done a problem? 20 minutes almost.

Holy shit. Just a quick fire compliment because I never got around to you, Catherine. Oh, shit. Your new picks are really fire. I've been having a fiddle with your poster design. and the pick is amazing. Thank you so much.

In the yellow? Yeah. The yellow dress with these sort of like... Yeah, it is fucking fit. You're very sweet. Thank you so much. I came in the other day, and Neil was just like absolutely

tugging himself silly to that picture. Hello? Just a bit of banter. Obviously, it's a joke. Let's do a problem. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Just get stuck in a compliment. I like your hair.

I like your freckles. I think your accent's nice. You know how I know it's not true is you'd be fucking... You'd be so jealous if you're walking on something. Neil wanking to me. That you wouldn't even share it with me.

You'd be fuming. I don't think I would. I think you're right. You'd be fuming. You'd be fuming. And also because I'd be rightfully entitled to the sperm then. No, my spank. I think that if you wank to a lesbian, she wants that sperm, she should have it.

No. If you want, it feels important. But I think, yeah, if you've had a wank to lesbian. Put your spine in an envelope, sent us to the trusty hogs officers. We'd love to hear from you. Label it, obviously. The return address is probably always useful. Yeah, you don't want to go into the AI company

episode. What did we do? Cool back. Andrew, hit us with a problem. Oh, do you like a problem or an update? Oh, let's start with the updates, Helen. Andrew, give us the updates,

would you? We'll start with some updates. Shout out to the live show which is available on Patreon for £10 plus patrons because that was the update of all dot that. That was the update of all motherfucking updates.

I tell that story at every single event I go to. If you are not listening to that live and then telling it at every dinner party, are you kidding me? It's the best gossip I've heard all years. Too lesbian and complicated for my sweet, like my sweet, straight, simple friends.

Oh my God, the lesbians are good to go. No one needs a graph drawn. It's such good. Gosh, they ask as well. Fascinating. Go on. But we have some lovely updates, all the same, including several people who have their own drunk hotel stories to try and reassure Helen.

Oh, God. She's not going to like this. Right. Have I talked about this on the podcast, or have we just bitched about it, like, behind the list of books? You did mention before that none of them were reassuring enough. It is. I cannot receive.

one more message going, I went to wet the bed. Fuck all! It's not the same. It's not the same. To be fair, a lot of these emails either have the elements of sleepwalking and nudity or pissing, but neither together. I'd like the sleepwalking nudity ones. Did you see the person who went to the hotel and sent pics on Twitter?

Yes, are you fucking kidding? There was a photo shoot done outside the hotel. Andrew has a good update. Andrew, read us that one. I think this one might reassure you actually. Okay, let's go. Okay. Hi, Catherine, Helen and Andrew.

This is from M. Hi, M. I'm a massive fan of the pod and feel compelled to applaud Helen's bravery. Thank you. Whilst also sharing my own unfortunate sleepwalking toilet incidents. Oh, good thing. This is what we're looking for. About 10 years ago, I was on a night out with a straight girl.

I was madly in love with. She was my gay awakening and we would occasionally sleep together when we felt so inclined. Incredible. We would occasionally sleep together. I guess so, yeah. She's referring to her as a straight woman. Maybe that's gay. That's at least bye.

Unless he means to share a bed. Okay, she may... Oh, no, no, she doesn't mean to sleep. Two sentences later, she uses the phrase hanky-panky. Woo-hoo! That night, I ended up particularly drunk. We went back to hers with some friends for an after-party and eventually snuck off to her room for some hanky-panky.

Okay, you can't call her a straight woman. No. Unless she identifies that way. In which case... You can identify straight and make out with other women. I've made out with loads of women. Okay, but... Not hanky-panky in the back.

Not full sex, yeah. Go on. I must have fallen. I must have fallen asleep The next thing I knew I was squatting, naked on the stairs Taking a shit into my own hand Here we go! Here we go! In her house? In her house? In this girl's

house? Oh, that's why she's straight. She thinks less than she's so disgusting! I'm straight after hearing the story go on. Into our own hands. I realised what was happening just as the girl. I guess she rejoined the party. Started walking up the stairs and saw me. No! This is worse than yours, Helen! At that moment, a loose nugget fell out of my bum. Okay, can we just say Gotzai Dank for it being a nugget and not a liquid?

Like, do you know what I mean? Oh, yeah, thank you guys. Like small mercies. You have to look at the positives in these situations. Imagine if that was a big sloppy thing. A nugget, you're fine, pop it in your pocket. Oh, you don't have the pocket, though. Yeah, well, oh, that would have been.

Helen, this is so, what's worse than yours? To this day, we have never spoken to the instant, and she's now very happily married to a man. Yeah, you would have to be. I remain very much single. I don't draw a direct correlation but I must have been quite the haunting image Helen you are not alone

best wishes of the pod Thank and honestly thank you for your honesty and bravery How about that? Your honesty and bravery has inspired me Do you know what I mean? If I do find myself shooting into my hand Into my hand

I'm sorry standing What the only thing I will say Is mine had the jeopardy of having I was trapped Heard's had a witness of the person You just had a post-courful witness I know but there was also like No Helen that's

is worse. Yeah. Someone you've just had, you've just fucked with. Who you were in love with? Pooh is worse than we. A person you're in love with watching you poo into your hand. But you're not physically also trapped with the accident.

She's trapped with that reality. She's trapped with the reality. And disdain. How bad was the stain? And she has to leave that party. Hell is she has to leave that party. Imagine that girl's telling somebody at that party. Sorry.

Oh, everyone knows. Everyone knows. Sweet Jesus, bless your heart. Can we just take a moment just to reflect on the fact that being alive as an adult human is so embarrassing and hard and we're all trucking ahead and forging on.

Where was the stairs? Oh, I don't. I don't know. Because you would be, you'd be looking, I'm picturing it. Because you'd be looking down the stairs, right? Helen's stop, please, stop. So then that means where your asses will be on top of another seat. So are you sitting on your hands? No, she's on the landing. She's on the landing. She's on the landing.

Oh, she's on the landing. That makes more sense. I was thinking, Squat, shit and cup on a stairs, I think I'd find that. It's a bit nerve-wracking, because you're drunk, you balance is off. She was asleep, she woke up as it was happening. Yeah, that's what's so frightening, Catherine. Horrifying. Because that could have been worse.

Fall into your own poo. That'd be terrible. Oh, sweet Jesus. Thank you, M, for your bravery, so thank you. Honestly. But it is, isn't just so embarrassing to be alive? Yeah. Shall we, have a little pallet cleanser of a new problem.

Yes. Okay. Okay. Sorry to hear it, M. I hope you're all right, babe. And I don't think that's why you're single. And this happens to everyone once in their life. That's not strictly true.

You're still waiting for your like piss or shit. Or I'm just keeping it secret forever. Go on. Okay, we have a problem entitled, Boyfriend Won't Do Anything Without Me. Here we go. All right, we're in. Hi, Hogs.

I love the podcast and you all brighten my day every week. That's so nice. My 30F partner. Squeeze me, who's this from? This is from Kay. K. who is 30 female and has a 31 male partner have been together off and on since we were 19.

We've lived together for just the two of us for three years now. We lived together with another couple for the first six. Okay. Our relationship is great. We communicate really well, spend a lot of time together and share important values and a similar life philosophy. Oh! However.

You don't mean that. Oh, I do. Child and sweetheart, off and on. It's got everything. It's Ross and Rachel. I'm invested in this couple, no? Yeah, I got off the plane. Yeah, I hear you.

You sold it to me. You sold it to me. However, while I make the time to pursue solo interests and see friends and family, apart from my partner, he wants to do absolutely everything with me. Ugh. He has friends, but he only really sees them if I go as well. I try to encourage and remind him to keep in touch with his friends, because otherwise he goes months without even checking in on them.

And I just feel a bit overwhelmed sometimes, as I'm the only person he really talks to about his thoughts and feelings. things, but he says he finds it hard to share these things with others and he only really feels comfortable with me. I also feel responsible for keeping these friendships afloat for him as I feel he would just let them fade away. I've suggested to therapy so often that I've just given up now because he went for a few sessions a few years ago but said it made him feel uncomfortable. There's a point of therapy. So I never went back and I can't make him do something he doesn't want to do even if he thinks it would help him and take some pressure

off me. I recently suggested he may be joined a clubber activity, a classic Trusty Hogg solution. It is such a classic. Where he can meet new people and try something new. But this started a bit of discreetment as he felt like I was trying to get rid of him and said it makes him think I don't like him. I mean you are a little bit.

Like I kind of love that for you. I actually know the answer to this. Fabulous. I mean, just the last bit of context. Okay, do the last bit, but I already know what it is. While talking out, I realized how much pressure and responsibility I feel for his well-being and sometimes make me feel more like his mom than his partner. at the end of the conversation I said

I wouldn't push him to do any more stuff as it was just making me resentful I love and care about him so much but I want him to take more care of his emotional needs and to have life outside the relationship Anna being unfair are my expectations unreasonable do you have advice to resolve this

is this issue a fatal issue for our relationship any appreciation I have so many things to say number I don't think it's a fatal issue but I think neither of you are in the wrong It's just, it's frustrating when someone wants something with the other person. You, right, leave these straight men alone for a minute.

I am furious and I have a lot of things to say. Okay, I know the answer to this. I don't think it's fatal, but I do have things to say. I'm opening my friends, this couple, neither of them listen to this. I don't think they do. What you do is you get them a Ciner World card. So then, like, they don't need to talk to anyone because some guys just don't need to. They just go to the cinema all the time and then you get a bit of time by yourself and they think it's a gift, but it's not.

It's actually a gift for you. and it honestly solves all dramas. Here's the thing, though. What the fuck? Here's the thing. Good suggestion, but here's the thing. Cine World Card. May I speak?

What I think the thing is, with the Cine World Card and the suggesting the solution of the sports group is, is that you are offering solutions when he needs to find them himself. You're not offering solutions, you're offering a Cine World Card.

No, but solutions, but you're saying you want him to take more responsibility and then you're trying to solve the problem for him. And that is the, those are contradictory. Here's my issue, right? Here's what I think. It is completely reasonable to need time alone in a relationship. In fact, that is normal and absolutely what everyone requires to find their partner interesting, sexy,

exciting to come back and tell them things that they want to say to each other, to have your own space for your own personal development to maintain a level of personhood and individuality. All good reasons to spend not every... Space you can find while they're at the cinema, enjoying cinema. Also, also, it is not acceptable or... reasonable thing for your partner to say that the only person they can talk to about any of their feelings is you without making you feel

incredibly under pressure. Like that's so intense and also require all of your time of you. It's quite domineering actually in a very sort of like a beta way but I think it's completely reasonable for you to want your own time. So domineering in a beta way.

Yeah to be like... I know exactly what you mean but I just never have that before. It's so manipulative right. It's manipulative to be like... It's like sort of pick me energy. Oh no, it'll never be me. It's like a gorilla, but they sort of got like on vans. And it's really manipulative. I think it's really manipulative to be like, hey, I was thinking that you could maybe like do some own,

you're of your own stuff to be like, you don't like me. It's like, that's such an extreme response to be like, no, I just need time for myself. What I think, though, is that like saying you should join a football club where you should go to therapy isn't actually telling him your feelings, which I do get, right? Like, you're hoping that he'll go to the football or go to the therapist and discover that it's all a bit much for you when actually.

I think it's time to be honest and to be like, I can love you and be completely overwhelmed and have the framework of our relationship changed by an utter dependence on me that you are currently exhibiting. And so if you want me to find you sexy, if you want us to have fun, if you want us to be curious about each other, have things to tell each other.

If you want me to have sanity, if you want me to enjoy my life, we cannot do everything together. And actually, you are ruining your own friendships or losing your own friendships and diminishing them by not having them for yourself. And I need friendships that are separate to you. all of which is so reasonable.

Like I actually... Sin a world card. How are you not saying this? And a sin a world card, of course. But what I'm saying is I'm upset for this girl that she's writing in being like, this woman that she has to write in and be like, is it okay that I want like my own time?

I, like, it's so emotionally manipulative to make you feel as though you are neglecting somebody because you need that. That is a reasonable requirement that everybody has. And that, and like I also think like, If somebody can only talk to you, like, if my, I've been in situations where I've had to say to a partner, hey, I feel like you're leaning on me so much that it's making me feel under pressure to have every solution for you and that, like, actually, I don't have all the answers. And speaking to your friends would be really good for your perspective and also for me to feel like this isn't all on me. Because you're not his therapist, his mom.

And I'm also like, no one can be all things to everyone. like nobody it's impossible and it's so much pressure I can now put myself in this and I understand it more yeah but also like I've been in situations where I've identified like oh I've been I'm actually relying on a friend too much like there have definitely been points where poor Georgie I've been like can you help me write my show and also can you be my nervous and also I'm going through a breakup and also can we have our fun together

and it's like well that time with me spend time with me yeah that must have been like it's too much and I you know you have to kind of course correct a bit I know but that means I shouldn't take advantage of her. True, but like... This seems like it's more... It's a different situation because this sounds like

it's been a consistent thing for years and years and years. But my point is like you're loving somebody is also recognising what you're asking of them. So what's your solution? My solution is to tell him

how he's making you feel and what you need and that that cannot be it cannot be reasonable for him to be like you don't love me when all you've done is show your love

when you're asking for him to show you love in return by giving you some space. So do you reckon do the conversation with a Cine World card at the same time? Because I just think just a little something.

I think actually he needs to believe that he can find the solutions himself. You don't need to tell him what to do with his time. It's like a Cine World Browcher. He needs to figure out if he wants a Cine World Card

or to join a football team or to go for a walk or sit watching TV. Or water, I bet. Do you know what? She also needs to believe he can find the solution himself because if she thinks she needs to solve it

then that's also her enabling that behaviour a little bit. Like it hasn't come out of nowhere. We've all done it where you're like, oh let me just plan your evening for you so I can have a moment's piece. No, you plan your evening and we both trust that you're an adult who can do that. I am obsessed with you and adult woman with the Saviour Complex is giving advice.

But this is very... But this is why it's like, listen to what Catherine said, because this is someone who is like... I've earned these stripes, baby, I've earned these stripes and like, honestly, like, I still have to remind myself, still have to constantly go like, no, of course I need to see my friends myself. No, of course I have to go to the, like, to the gym alone. Because the second I don't for a week I'll fall into this trap of feeling like we must do everything together

And then you're that couple that jogs holding hands And it's fucking weird It's so weird There's no way you're running at the same pace A agree And B then you're the couple Who have nothing new to tell each other Like I fucking want gossip from my girlfriend

I want you to tell me about your day I also want to miss you You want to hang out with each of you independently And like anything worse He has to make them himself Is there anything worse and when you've invited a friend for a coffee

and she rocks up with her boyfriend without telling you. It's a surprise turning you into a third wheel. It's like if I know it's going to happen it's fine. If it's just a oh suddenly you're the third wheel it's like oh my God

particularly when it's a new relationship and you are just watching them want to make out it's like, and also I've been the person who showed up without the person knowing like hasn't been brought along by my partner and then seeing the face of the friend drop and you're like, fuck, I'm sorry,

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm too good at being the third wheel. I'm like, no, this is so much nice. This is so much nice. Everyone keeps doing it. And partner wants to be like, your partner's so fucking boring. But they can be the best in the world.

Your friend's not themselves for a while, but it's a new relationship. They're doing the couple things. You're only even going to hang up with your friend. You're hanging out with a version of your friends. But also their partner can be amazing. I'm cool as hell. But her dynamic with her, I'm cool as hell.

One more time. I'm cool. Me? I'm cool as cool. hell. The thing about me is, I'm cool. And you know she's cool

because she raised her and pointed at her stuff. I'm a cool bitch, me. I'm a cool hair. Helen, I am cool as hell. But...

I'm funky. What are you, Andrew? Groovie. I'm so groovy. I'm a dream boat. But I do get that the dynamics of my friend, of my girlfriend's

friendships are shifted by me being there and that's like obviously a bummer if that's not what they planned. What a cool answer. I hope that solved you came from the cool girls. Okay, listen, back to this person. I do think, like, he will be happier if he's pushed out of the nest.

And you will be happier if you have some goddamn space. And those are reasonable expectations and anything otherwise is manipulative. The end. Don't enable it either. I'd honestly consider a cinema card as well, but I think it's up to you. No, because then she'll end up having to do it to the cinema. I see what you're saying. But the cinema, no, it's for one.

Don't be like that. You don't understand. Yeah, but he'll get her one immediately back. He'll just buy the extra ticket. That didn't happen with my friends. He just had a cinema card and then he went to the cinema all the time. She had a lot of bars.

Yeah, but this guy doesn't... This is avoiding the problem. He won't know there's an issue. He needs to know there's an issue. And that you want to fix it and that you want to be with him. Okay, one more, just quick option. I know that you've done all your...

You've done the research of this. Okay, baby. I've lived along with a half. Pin a condom, get pregnant. And then he can make friends at the anti-naocast with the other dads. Just like leave it that. Leave it that. It's just another.

Sometimes like just logic is just like easier like that. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, that's an idea. Pinned the condom. Our dad's going to prenatal. Yeah, there's like NCT classes. And then often what happens is there's like a WhatsApp group for the partners for the non-pregnant partner, right?

Oh, for a bug saying. And then they all hang out and they do like a support chat. And then that's like a forced friendship. That makes me want to be the pregnant lesbian because I don't want to hang out with the dads. They also have a WhatsApp group. Just the lesbians? Well, I think the person who's pregnant and then the partners

and they have two separate WhatsApp groups. Isn't that fun? No, that seems really weird. It sounds really backwards. Really? Yeah. Yeah, that's odd. Oh yeah, because the pregnancies

have to like stay separate from the rest of them because otherwise they'll gross everyone out maybe. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, as you said that, it makes sense now. Of course, yeah, it makes sense. Thank you for explaining. Just the arms reaching out every now and again. What's that, mummy?

please you're going to be horrific pregnant just the leg dangling oh not yet but also like I think that that person did get some things from writing that out and I think it answers yeah yikes please let us know how the conversation goes because I think you should have that conversation

or what he goes to see it's in the world any more update or problems would you have another update I didn't avoiding your unfinished home projects because you're not sure where to start thumbtack knows home so you don't have to don't know the difference between matte paint finish and satin or what that clunking sound

from your dryer is with thumbtack you don't have to be a home pro you just have to hire one you can hire top rated pros seed price estimates and read reviews all on the app download today do you know if you remember in episode 75 katherine you said no one would be listening to this podcast in a war zone um there's few exact words stop it um i thought you you would like to know that I do. Yay! Which war? This is from Leia.

Lear. Potentially Lear. Apologies. I am currently deployed over to Eastern Democratic Republic of Congo on a peacekeeping mission and often listen to Trustee Hoggs whilst doing my work before my before work exercise. Obviously I can't run outside, bracket's too dangerous.

Because of the guerrillas. That's where the guerrillas live. The guerrillas and the Mester and the Republic of Congo. One minute there, I thought you meant guerrilla warfare. Oh no, no, no, no. What? There's a war The war going on

Did you say East Democratic Republic of Hongo? Eastern Democratic Republic Hongo Thank you because I'm currently doing the keep doing the Sporkel country test

We only have 15 minutes to name every country in the world Because I'm trying to learn them for I think she just means The Eastern part of No I know And that's why I was like Can I clarify please

The name of the country Okay great Thank you carry on Yeah she's so cool I love it Sorry I'm actually studying All the countries At the moment

Sorry can I just say I can love That's Borkle Quiz. It's so good. Ellen and I got 79% the other day. Wait, so what do you do? What? So Sporcas is like a quizzing website and this particular thing.

You get a map of the world. 15 minutes to name every country. And as you type in countries, they appear on the map. And they're going to name as many of them. I want to do that. It's so good. Can we do that on the extras? Average rate is 67%.

Yeah, we could do it in the extras. I'd actually love to. You have no idea how much I would love to. Can we all do it on our own phones or something? No, phone's really hard. You get that. We'll type it in. Yeah.

Okay. Let's do that. Great, we'll do them the extras. Sorry. It takes 15 minutes, so tune in, baby. Can I say the most, because I know you're really cool, but can I just undermine that by being a loser for a second? No, you're cool.

Let me say the sentence. If I'm cool, you can be cool, baby. Yeah, please. Staying with these two bad losers. You have to hear this phrase. When we were on choir trips, I used to sit on the coach and write out lists of every country

in the world in my notebook. Oh my God. Can we go back to the war zone? Because I think that'd be less sad. Oh, God, I really want a gay son, Catherine. I do. One like that. On a choir trip and I turned me off with a notepad and just lists cuttries.

I feel like in the version of events where you guys were in the same school at the same time, you'd be like Helga breathing behind Andrew being like, just in love with him. He's my Arnold. Yeah. And he's like, I'm gay. And you're like, you're everything. He can harmonize.

Next. So, yes. I listened on the treadmill. Anyway, I thought you would like to know that you really make my day better and give some much needed light relief. I listened to the current podcast as released and the back catalogue in slow time.

I nearly fell off the treadmill laughing at Helen's telling of her naked hotel corridor experience. Fuck that episode, man. It's a lovely update from Leah. That's so nice. Oh my God, how fun that we've got people in war zones. Yeah.

How fun. It feels like... As I said that, as I like to argue. But also, Leah, we also, we sympathize and empathize with you because we're also in our own war zone, the war of social media. No, Helen. No, it's not going to not count. No.

The war of reels. Who are we warring with? We're warring with the algorithm, because we will not rest until we're at a million follows. I hate you. I hate you. Leah, look, I'm sorry, man. Sounds intense.

I wonder, um, wait, does she work? work for the UN? I don't know. Just a peacekeeping mission of sorts. Be mad if it was just like her independently. I would love that for Drustyov's listening. I'm like, I'm just here just like think I got it.

Just like making it more peaceful. I love the idea of someone going into a peacekeeping mission with this energy in their ears. Like morning, I'm going to sit some peace. Everyone's feeling peaceful. You want to get peaceful? I heard a story this morning. A woman was sleep walking into a hole. And then she actually woke up weeing

and she was naked and trying to get out of a door. She was holding over her toe. Was everyone feeling energized for B? And literally just said with someone going into like a war zone going like, I got this, but I literally did that once. Squeeze me what I went to like Philippines when there was like a massive typhoon that hit. And I was like, I've got help. Like I was in my like early 20s. Have I not told you this?

Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah. And I think I may have blanked it out because I don't want to be associated with this. I lost my phone on a packing center in the first day. That's right. No phone. No contact with her and then went to Tadlaban. I was like, what's my plan?

Sweet, Mother God. Insane. We wish you well. We wish you well. Enjoy the gorillas. We also asked a while back who our oldest hog is and the lovely Sarah has messaged in to say that her mum who turned 73 in March

is a big fan and listens along to every episode. No. Stop it. We've got a 73-year-old hog. We want those OAPs, baby. Send us your retirement money, what? My mum listens every now and again, and she's going to be 70 next year. But wait.

I know, I know. Hi, Mommy, if you're listening. Hey, I'm sorry about everything. Oh, my God, what am I'm like, what in my life? What? What? What? Okay.

Love you. Let's not discuss this on the phone. Bye. Bye. But yeah, shout out of Sue Guthridge from Birmingham. Thanks for my voice. Oh, cute. This is a new problem from Jay.

Hi, Jay. And I'm hoping you can help me with a feminist issue. Oh, here we bloody go. What do they want now? What are these bloody feminist one now? Port a brawl up. They're supposed to help you. Fucking burning it all the time.

I'm joking. It's a line from something. What's it from? I'm just... Ha, no. A line. Always bloody burning their bras. Like, why are they burning it for?

Isn't it supposed to help? woman like please someone else say something I have recently had my first baby congratulations amazing

but actually is lovely no it's fantastic a little girl who is now nine months old nine months in nine months out baby I've decided

I will not be returning to work and will be a stay at her mom love this this is the privilege that not other moms have and I'm very aware of that however I'm also conscious that to my daughter

I will just be a mother. I don't want her to think of women as just childbearers. I don't get the chance to have hobbies outside of being a mum because I have very little support. But I just want to see her to see women as capable and strong, but I'm worried I'm going to let her down in this way. Any ideas? Am I overthinking it? Give me a bit of a pep talk, please.

From Jay. Number one, you are overthinking it. Number two, go to your local waterstones. They have a puzzle section there. And they have a puzzle. My friend Anna Grant has that I saw in her flat recently. of the hundred, like, most significant women in history, including, like, Frida Carlo.

The kid's nine months old. I'm the others. And the others. At all. Maricuri. She did great work and, she poisoned herself after death, but she was on the right track, wasn't she? You know, Maricure, no?

Wait, is your answer to Jay? Get the puzzle. Get the puzzle because then she'll see other women are inspirational? Well, no, but then you get the idea that women can do it all. And I think it's books as well. Also, I don't even have the books. Get that poster of the woman. Is it the American woman in World War II propaganda?

Which is like, you can do it. Oh, nice. Yeah, very nice. Put that, like, print that on a baby onesie. He might be wearing all the time. Nice, right. Okay. Here's what I'd say.

Being a mother is a very important job. Yeah, try raising someone like that. That is difficult and incredibly kind of you to do. And I don't think that you, your kid will. Well, first of all, let me say this. My mother had two jobs and did a night university course whilst raising three children. And we all still saw her as a mother because children are shallow and just full of need, actually. And it only recently occurred to me.

She might be a person. And so I'm going to check in on that next time I'm home. But that is really truly like, so first of all, I don't worry about that. You're over thinking it for sure. also being a mom is incredibly important and incredibly hard work it involves like huge amounts of acts of service

and huge amounts of education and huge amounts of consideration and time management and energy and you're very impressive to do it the other thing I would say is I think you're making a big assumption about how your child will see you in 20 years time because or indeed women

because there's every chance that you are nine months out of having a baby that you might do lots of things you have no idea what you're going to do The kid's going to go to school at some point. You could do anything. You might stay at home. You might start a business in your back room while you do that.

You might do. God knows what you're going to do. But listen, I don't think you should make any decisions about how she's going to see you. I think that the way you talk about women and motherhood and women in jobs and women doing both will inform her perspective on her capacity in the world. And as long as you're not judging them harshly, she will. won't do the same, but of, and you, and you assume every possibility for her, then she will do the same. So I think it's more about the language you use around those choices, rather than the choices you've made that will inform that. But also like, also the society of babies growing up in

does not automatically skewer towards sexism as the society that you probably grew up in does. Like, babies aren't born thinking that women are less than. I agree. And the education system is better now. The kids they'll be around, we better now. Like, that won't necessarily be. a massive question for your child growing up. For our generation, but for the new generation is coming up, it might not be the biggest thing. I mean, 62% of teachers are women, but 64% of head teachers are men.

So there's still a... Stop it. Is that true? That's a fact. So there's still a messaging that men, lead and women follow, but listen to my radio show when it comes out. But I think, look, I think that your language informs how we think about ourselves. Our parents' language informs how we think about ourselves.

and so, you know, you have so much capacity to influence, if anything, more because you're home. So don't be so hard on yourself. Don't be so hard on yourself. The puzzle, I think, for sure, we both agree, is a great shout. Also, if you want to be inspired by women can do anything, like, always makes me think about how there's,

like, no female serial killers, really. Because it's sort of like, where's the equality, like no female dictators. Oh, I don't like where this is going. Watch the monster by Charlize Theron with Baby. Oh, fine, okay. I thought you were going to suggest this woman kill. No, no, no, watch Monster was Charlize Theron with Baby.

Yeah, lovely. And also, look, it's very simple. Baby's first film. It's very, very simple. Just make sure that you make all of her food from scratch. Make sure that you teach her to read before the other kids learn. Make sure that she does go to baby yoga, baby music, baby reading, obviously. Make sure that she... Baby goat her day. Baby art, of course. And obviously grow your own food. Baby brain study. Get thin, real fat. You're going to want to get thin real fast after having that baby. Make sure that you're sexier than the other moms, smarter than the other moms, cooler than the other moms, better than the other moms. And make sure that you'd make all the other moms who go to work feel bad about going to work and you'll be nailing this. Don't worry about it. Also, baby sign language. Thank you so much. It's actually quite good.

That's a good one. Yeah, just make sure that you giving up work means that your baby is the best or else it was all a waste of time. Thank you so much. Best of luck. No, that is what society's like though. No, I'm with you.

I'm with you. It's horrendous. Just chill out, babe. God, have a nice time with your kid. Remember that it is a privilege and freaking enjoy your time with your time with your baby enjoy it oh do a puzzle have a great time just have a look at her roll around with her have a nice time i will say this katherine's solutions are better than mine today but i think

mine are a lot more doable hey mine can both be actioned with a couple of clicks on a computer baby i'm aspirational and you're achievable and that's important i am so achievable two of your solutions wait was that insult no babe no wait a second give me a minute what do you say I'm aspirational my problems my solutions are aspirational

and yours are achievable I shouldn't have said I'm aspirational the way you said it made me that made it sound like I'm aspirational sexually and you're achievable sex

when actually it's the inverse because you're very hard to get in bed and I'm all sleep with anyone yeah she's a whore okay thank you the savior complex I've just been given permission

to tell that story from last night in the extras so fuck you make sure to get on Patreon.com forward slash trustyfoys. I think before we do a final problem then we should say what we're doing in the extras this week. We're doing the Sporkel quiz. We're doing

my secrets from last night and you have you need to talk about something. Yeah. I want to talk it through. I've got a big event tonight. Yeah, we'll talk about it. And you're going to do my hair, right? Yeah, I'm going to do your hair because I got a mixed call, a missed call from Helen this morning because I didn't answer. She immediately messaged. S.O.S. Catherine. So I was like, sweet God. People don't respond unless you it must be some. Well, that's because you call too much. And I was like, oh my God, it must be urgent. I call her back and she's like I have to go to an event

tonight you do my hair because me ugly and I was like you're not ugly you're beautiful and she was like Catherine do Helen's hair and I was like

okay fine what do you want and she was like I don't know so I brought my curleys and we're going to do your hair even though you are beautiful

already it's so ugly stop that more of that and the extras Helen no you're gorgeous

stop it you know you're gorgeous too you know it you know you are it's so lame to be like I'm ugly

when you're a hot lady stop it that's boring I'm so unattractors Shut off You don't even mean it The more she'll do stuff for me I think my nails done as well

You're so tedious You're so tedious Catherine I'm disgusting Oh bring my hair Do we have I watch too many of those films Where there was a montage Where a nice girl to somebody else's hair

And takes off her glasses And changes their life You know those ones Oh you are every single gay man You know who are the gay man And the two heart assistants And Princess Diaries That's Catherine

And also I'm I'm Stanley Tucci and Devilworth Lada. Oh, hello for, two. Don't mind if we do. All right, shall we... So one last problem? Yeah. Vachumnisch.

Okay. What does that mean? Vahumnish. Is that what it means? Why not? Why not? Vahumnish. Oh, a girl from Berlin came to see my show last night.

Guy. And there were only eight people in. And she was like, I was like, oh, did you introduce yourself to Helen? and when you saw her in Berlin, she'd seen you in Berlin. And she was like, oh, no, I couldn't. There were so many people there. And I was like, nice burn, ladies.

So shout out to that listener. Please do but in advance my show in Berlin. Oh, all the Germans have a Catherine energy. Oh, all the Germans have a Catherine energy. They would just come and watch me and go like, oh, what do we call? And afterwards, she was like, I'll take the empties to the bar. And I was like, oh, this is my girl. Oh.

You'll ahead, Andrew. You can pick from three. I've got a Lolita. problem. A ghosting problem. You scared yourself then. Or a comedy problem. Can I pick? I'm ruling out the Lolita problem.

I want Andrew to do a ghost. I want to see if we can watch Andrew solve a ghosting problem. See if he's grown. But see the progress. Let's see it. For anyone who's new here, Andrew's been ghosted many times. He's now and a happy relationship. It's wild. It'd be interesting to see what you've learned from that. He's a graveyard of a person.

Andrew, would you like to swap seats and I'll read the problem? Sure, yeah. I want to hear this. Oh my God, I'm the producer. Let's see it, let's do it. Don't press anything. Don't press any buttons.

Okay, okay. All right, let's do the thing. Welcome, Andrew. Hi, Andrew, welcome. It's quite nice this, I. Yeah, no, it's much, much nicer, actually. Less work, more peg. I've just realized, I've got to re-speak because this is adjusted for Helen.

Scream into the mind. Yeah. Gila, Helen. Okay, so this is from S. Hi, S. Hi, S. Very good so far. Hello, Catherine, Andrew, and Helen, and Chloe and M for when they are around.

We miss M. Emma's got a cool cooking job, so she's still doing all the editing, but we don't get to see her gorgeous goddamn face. We miss. In our family still, you just don't. I mean, you never saw her. I mean, M could be here right now when you don't know. No, you saw her.

You just didn't hear her, like a good woman. That's true. okay Andrew I'm so excited for this for you this is your moment thank you I have been listening since day one have seen you both live and generally love hearing your voices and hilarity in my head massive fan will definitely come and see you again soon

that's so nice Helen reads them with a much more earnest attitude Andrew's like love you guys nice to see you think your podcast really great you know you like to see live whatever Helen's like I love you you are the greatest part of my day go on Okay, this is where my dyslexia is going to shine, so I'm going to hold my finger on the screen.

Your screen needs a clean up. Give it a wipe down. Yeah, give it a wipe down. Oh, how do they get poo on it? No, poo on it. I did. Obviously I didn't. Obviously I didn't. No, poo. It's just fanta.

I am a pan-syslady back in the dating world for a couple of years after a very long relationship and need some advice on how to deal with ghosting. I've had three or four times now where I feel this great connection with a guy. So far, always guys. We will have talked for a while, had some great dates,

building an intensity and level of effort. One guy made me a picnic. Another was a sweaty four-hour sex marathon. Fun. Whoa, both good times, actually. I like both. Yeah. There will be another date in the diary

to meet again and then total silence. Quite often the last message will be about how excited they are to see, taste, fuck me again. and then nothing. That dawning realisation being left on red four days that you're never going to hear from them again is so shit. It makes me angsty and nauseous and full of rage and self-loathing.

The sense that you can't trust anyone to really mean what they say, can't trust your own instincts is fucking awful. And then there's a little series of questions, okay? My questions are, why do people do this? Three question marks. Second, why does it feel so much worse than other types of rejection? Next one. Is there any way to protect yourself from it apart from celibacy? Last one. What is the best way to respond? Are there any cutting ways to make them reflect on their shite behavior?

Can I send a message like, you know what would have been better? Thanks for the sex, but I feel like this isn't easy for me. I can't be asked to travel 90 minutes each way for that. So I think we should leave it there. Or can I report them on the dating app I met them on? Surely this sort of behavior is something that needs to be challenged, but how? or do I just need to find a good way to let it go? How do other people let this shit go? Thanks in advance for the wise advice and, well, we don't know that yet. And also tips on how to throw them down a well. Andrew, you're up, baby.

If you can find all of their family on Facebook, just as a starting point. This is gross. You want to see gross. Sorry, yes. If you find out where they work and just kind of stalk the aisles. Andrew, we want gross. Okay. I would like you actually, Andrew.

as a producer right now just to speak your truth for a minute. What would Andrew have done back in ghosting days? Back in ghosting days, he would have done both of those things and has indeed done both of those things. Oh, I didn't actually add that guy's family,

but I did consider it, which is arguably bad. No, bad. It is definitely bad. You did the research, but not the action. Exactly. I love a bit of research. But I did also wander round a waitrose several days in a row, just kind of hoping to bump into a shop system that ghosted me.

A wait, throw stop assistant. Exactly. It's quite classier than the Home Bargans one. It also goes to me. Oh, gosh. It's all so tragic. Go on. Point is, I wouldn't have been able to let it go.

I would have fested for a while. Why do people do this? Often it's cowardice. I think as well understanding why people do this will help with the, how do you not feel so bad about it? Because it's very, very rarely a reflection on you unless you've, I don't know, slept walked and shatten your hands in front of them, they've probably not ghosted you because of you.

Shout out to M, sorry. So it feels really hard because, obviously, you're trying to foster something personal and you're putting yourself out there, especially if you've had rejection in the past or a breakup or anything like that. It feels just extra stingy to get ghosting. But let's go back to that because I think that's right. Like, I think it is cowardice.

I think it probably, rationalises itself internally for them as they don't want to hurt you so they just leave it and then it's been left so long that it's awkward and then they feel like it's more awful than bringing it up even again for you to go back and explain why

so they just back away from it also men aren't often given the language emotionally I think in life to articulate letting somebody down disappointing somebody or being like emotionally vulnerable for all the reasons that they might be backing out of it there's also like I think we have to acknowledge that like in the same way that dating apps make it a little bit easier to put yourself out there right there's one benefit of the ease of it is that they make it easier to put yourself out there to meet other

people they also do make it easier to be selfish right to like back away people aren't real people sometimes yeah we've commodified love in a way that makes people feel a little less real and it makes the consequences of that kind of ignoring or silencing of a person or like forgetting them whatever it might be neglecting them to be easier and that is the flip side there's a cost to dating in this way and it is that

but like it is never and I mean truly never about you that they won't give you a conversation like they might be incredibly fearful of conflict other people I'm definitely scared of conflict but it isn't about you and I do think that you're right it does help to understand that

and it doesn't make it less painful but it can hopefully give you less self-blame. Yes. So, but what do you? What does she do? I wouldn't send the message. I have sent many of those messages. From the premier in?

From the real call back to the alley up. And what have they said in response? Are you probably nothing? Very rarely do you ever get a response, first of all. Only once they ever get closure, which as we know from an early saga in this podcast was when I got my wellies back. Correct. But, I mean, that was very rare that that would happen.

I would say sending those messages didn't necessarily make me feel better. Okay, I sent several messages which are cutting in tone versus earnest in tone. Like, hey, you know, I appreciate maybe you've left because you're anxious or whatever, but I'd appreciate some closure. The earnest ones always gave me more closure. whether they got a response or not, then the cutting ones. I completely agree. I was going to say, I was going to say,

I think that if you send a message that makes you, it provides them an easy way to go, look, I was right to do that. She's mad, angry, whatever, like, irrational, all the things that are easy to say about women when they express anger, I think that you will be left feeling cold and a little bit remorseful or embarrassed eventually.

Whereas I actually think, yeah, you're right. I think saying, I think you were going to send a message. It should read something like, hello. I just wanted to let you know that I had enjoyed our time together. And it hurt me that you didn't take the time to explain why you didn't want to see me again. It's absolutely fine for that to be your decision. But just so you know, moving forward in your dating life, women, me included, have feelings. And there are consequences to these kind of actions that make women more, have made me more

distrustful and upset. The end. Lead with honesty, not anger. Yeah, for sure. Because also I think it's the only way that actually have impact. If what you wanted to challenge the behaviour and make them think about in the future, I think it's more compelling to those people to say, hey, maybe you thought you were giving me an easy way out or maybe you were taking the easy way out, but you've really hurt me. And it's fine.

And I would underscore, like, it is fine to not want to see me. That is a completely valid thing. But the way you've done it is painful. Yeah. And has consequence. think as well on the anger thing that if you respond with something like very witty and cutting and you're going to have two lingering things either you're going to be going around going oh yeah I want to see his reaction to that oh that will really annoy him so

not closure which won't close get got for you any closure or you might have a bit of regret and being like oh maybe if I hadn't been so you know rude he would have actually replied and you'd keep thinking about it whereas if you just go in with honesty and honesty first of all you're not like waiting for the the I can't wait for the slam dunk to land But also on that regret point, you just, it's much easier. I found it much easier to go, well, I've said my peace. And if he responds, great. And if not, well, he was never meant to be so fucking.

And I would say as well, knowing my luck, I'd send a like, hey, man, I haven't heard from you. Fuck you. And then he'd be like, hey, so sorry, my dog died. And I'm like, ah! It would always be like, you know, like, and I think the other thing to say is that, sorry that you didn't adjust this mic for Helen's levels. I really screamed there. What I was going to say

was that I think the other thing to say in terms of closure for yourself is if this is a person who could do that, few, I mean it's so painful for you but for you can get into a relationship with them. Imagine trying to have conflict resolution

with that person in a meaningful relationship. Yeah. Or imagine how they'd break up with you after a year. I think that's what I wanted to say just as a final button to this. I'd say thank you very much to both of you for advice. It's been very insightful.

but just the basic thing is yes you've had some great dates with these people but like the bottom line is they're not people who are good at communicating and they're not that responsive they are not someone you actually want to be with and I've only just figured this out at 32 I don't know how old you are but like it's just like if it's not right it's not right and you just because you have a good time when you're with them the rest of the time is anxious and anxiety it's not the right person but it is really disorienting when you think that you've established a connection with somebody.

So maybe for yourself protection, like, maybe try a different way of dating for a little while or like... Never fall in love, be alone forever. No, I was going to say, like, go to a queer night, speak to a woman, like, you know? I mean, if that option is open to you,

as you say in the email, then definitely give men a bit of a break, not to sell my kind down the river, but... No, but if what you're looking for is communication and kindness, you're looking at the wrong yard. You'd be nice to mind. Dad! Well done, everyone.

Hey, Rose from Andrew! Can I just say for the end of this episode? Ghostbuster, Ghostbuster, who are you going to go? I like that. Thank you so much to the coolest kids on the block, Andrew White and Catherine Boehart. Thank you, Helen. Pretty cool.

School choir and school debate. Don't mind you do. Look where we are now. You're probably not listening. I went to the discos. Thank you so much. For listening, if you have enjoyed this episode of Trusty Hogs, you can subscribe to us. Please give us a like on YouTube, I guess, and subscribe.

And also, follow us all on Instagram. Helen Bauer, Catherine Bohart, Andrew White. Come and see us live. We're all doing lots of previews. Check out our websites for live dates. They're everywhere. Tell everyone about Trustee Hogs. Spread the good words.

Please. And we'll see some of you in the extras. Have a good life. Bye. Bye. Thank you so much to all of you who support us on Patreon We've got a new executive producer, Catherine. Don't look sad.

I was singing very beautifully. I'm glad about the execs. Go on. Who is it? We've got the classics. We've obviously got the OG execs. Go on. Simon Moors, Guy Goodman, Mary Fox, Annie Tonner,

Sarah Harky Deakin, Oliver Jago. And welcome from producer to exact. Anthony Conway. Upgrade. Welcome to Exact Level. please enjoy the lounge oh look how exciting and also thank you to all of our producers

we've got Richard Bicknell L Richard Bolt Sadie Cashmore Zoe Rachel Page Helen A Abby Worf Luke Bride Kate May Williams Amy Victoria Hutchison Emma Walton Becky Fox Tim and Domrya Fink Cordelia Amy O'Rearton

Kai Webb Key Webb Matt Sims Emily G Tristan Tassin Clare Owen Jones Harold Van Dyke David Walker Jess and Nick Rachel Arrnele Redmond Sarah and Molly Tina Lindsay

Graham March Leah Overend sport clow good luck to am having to edit that