Trusty Hogs - Ep94. SARAH ROBERTS / Badminton, Bat Mitzvahs & The Berlin Wall

Episode Date: July 20, 2023

For reasons that will become apparent and over-repeated, Catherine Bohart is not with us this week, so Andrew jumps into the co-host chair to chat with Helen and our fabulous guest SARAH ROBERTS! Sarah is a real rising star, and a fantastic comic, check her out wherever you can, and let us know on social media which museum you'd most like to have sex in...FOLLOW SARAH: @SarahRoberts_69Thank you so much for listening!Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Guy Goodman / Simon Moores / Mary Fox / Annie Tonner / Sarah Jarque-Deakin / Oliver Jago / Anthony ConwayPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Harald van Dijk / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Sarah & Molly / Raia Fink / Cordelia / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Graham Marsh / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Kie Web / Matt Sims / Luke Bright / Leah / Kate Spencer / Mae Williams / Tristin / Liz Fort / Taz / Klo / Becky Fox / Amie / Emily GeeWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello! Bonjour! Bonsoir! Maybe you're listening in the evening. You never know. Yeah, you never know. People listen to this at all times a day. Do they actually?

Oh, I assume so, yeah. What time is it where you are? For us, it is currently 2.23 in the afternoon. What time will be supposed to start today? 11.30. 11.30 a.m., yeah, that's the original plan. That was really long been out the window now. It's not gone well.

So if this is your first. first episode, this is going to be so enjoyable because... Do you know how many times we say, oh, maybe if this is your first episode, don't listen to this one. Like, I think every other episode we introduce the episode by saying that. Listen to one of the early episodes where we had a format that we were trying to stick to. Through the fog, step for the trusty hogs. Yeah, you're going to give them your problems and they will solve them. Or maybe they won't.

And that's your problem. They'll have guests and Andrew White on the tech. Oh, it's Helen and Catherine as the trusty hogs. Trust the trusty hogs, or maybe not. This is episode 94. It's all gone to shit.

Tell you what else has gone to shit. Catherine Bohart's got the shit. Catherine Bohart's got the shit. Shit. Honestly. Like, just waiting quickly, this is a podcast for myself, Helen Bauer,

usually a comedian called Catherine Bohar. Instead, we've got our producer and comedian Andrew White joining us today because Catherine has got the shits.

I'll say this. She said I could mention it but not to go over at loads of times. All I will say is I think it's just good for people in general

when someone who's as classically beautiful and put together as Catherine gets the shits. Oh yeah. It's a real sort of grounding moment

for everyone. and to be like, oh, we're all human, we're all the same. No matter how much you strive for perfection, you're still going to get the shit. Exactly. Yes, exactly. Because I think when I get the shits, it's like, oh, Helen's, big Helen's got the shits again. When Catherine gets the shits, it's like, wow, it can hit a princess.

I suppose it's actually quite a nice metaphor because you're thinking, oh, everything is quite binary, like you're either beautiful or ugly or whatever. And you think, oh, you think it's very solid. But actually, no, it's quite liquid. Like Catherine's shits. This makes me so happy. Because she rung me, I missed the call because I was like in the shower or something. And then I saw like a couple of messages from her being like, oh, I'm really sick.

I'm really sick. And I was like, okay, well, this might be a serious sickness. So like, let's call back. So I called back. And she was like, you're going to love this. And I was like, it's got to be either the shits or a period that stained her mattress. Because that's also like one of my favorite things is like Catherine creating a stain because she's yet to do it.

But I know it's going to happen. One day. But, yeah, she got the shits. And then I present, as she was telling me about it, I needed to get dressed because I was just out the shower. So I was like fully naked in front of her and then she got really upset because she couldn't enjoy the show because she had to hold her ass on. So Catherine, it's not here. And I don't know why it's made me so happy. But it's odd. I just, I appreciate her honesty. I think even a year ago she would never have told me. No. I feel like we, the, what's it called

the Overton window about like political discourse? Oh, sort of like where the political discourse is in like the media and the public eye and stuff. I'm not, I will say I'm not very across this, so I don't want to use it too much. Oh, nothing we say we've researched, just to be clear. They know that. But the point is like what's considered like extreme like right wing is like shifted over the years.

So like there's a speech of like George Bush being like, oh no, we've got to be kind to illegal immigrants. There's still people. And now obviously that over the window shifted. So that's, I think that's roughly what it is. And the point is Catherine's Overton Window of Dignity has shifted through this podcast. via your sharing and you're sort of coaxing out of her,

I think she's now got an entirely different set of personal standards. I ended the phone call by being like, okay, no, I won't tell anyone. That would be so awful of me. I would never do it. And then just like had her just sort of saying her goodbyes as I walked in the living room. When Seneal, Catherine's got the shit. And I just had to go, ah! And I hung up.

I was like, this is the most perfect day ever. Not as perfect as your weekend, though, Andrew. Very lovely weekend. I'm actually so glad Catherine's not here for this chat, because tell us what you did. I went to Paris, the city of love. Gay Paris. Gay Paris, yes, yes. And we did, we gayed it up.

Me and me and my lovely boyfriend, Reese, went. I went for three days. Well, which we did. So my parents were out there for about a fortnight in a sort of family holiday situation with my godfather and his children. And they were like, I'm going to bring along my twink. Yeah.

So I put my hand luggage, my hand luggage twink in the packing, took him over on the. you're a star um and it was great we went we got into paris and then we went to paris to laan which is where they were staying in a center park laan i don't i don't know yeah i thought you were trying to say leon but no no no no leon it's just like a little village but there's a center parks there yeah because my mother read um for shame in the daily mail that center parks in europe is like half the price of center parks in the UK and even with all the travel it like works so much cheaper. That's insane, isn't it? Debbie loves

the male online. She's, I think the overly descriptive titles really work for the way she processes news. I don't know why, but... I mean, they do have the worst and best gossip. Worse as in like, it's trash and it's not okay and it's always body shaming and awful and cruel to women.

But so good! It's so clickbaiting. We all fall down those tunnels. Oh, we really do. I've got it, I've got that and the Sun website blocked on our personal Wi-Fi. Which I've not actually told my housemate yet, so he probably thinks if he's ever tried to click on those articles

that there's some sort of issue with our internet. But it's just me, you've blocked them, I don't want to. Good for you. Thank you. Anyway, she read, Centre Park's cheaper in Europe. So they went over to Centre Parks for a couple of days, and we joined them for a day in the Centre Parks. Charming.

On a pedalo. I love a pedalo. Now, is it like as old as I think it is? Like, as far as the clientele at Centre Parks? No, it wasn't too bad. It was very French, which is understandable because we are. in France but you know I think I'd notice um again to sort of use this analogy that I'm not 100

of the over to window of British welcomeness has shifted in France they hate us I think they do hate us they already did man like they already did I think centre parks considering it was definitely a place for like British tourists that will be coming regularly very little English speaking very little sort of English translation which I like I don't want to be like ignorant English and like oh why are you in all language but like I think that That's a noticeable shift from one where we've been before. I love that. And Disneyland was the same.

Very, very minimal sort of English accommodation. The Stitch live show only had like one English showing. Otherwise it was entirely in French. Okay, I kind of love that though. I don't know why. I just think it's because, like, in general, like we just don't speak other languages. And then, like, we just walk up to people

and just immediately start speaking in English. Whereas if someone does that here, the waitress is like, I don't know, I don't speak it. Yeah, yeah. Don't speak frog. Sorry, don't speak frog. It's fucking awful. Okay, so you do centre parks?

Yes, we do centre parks, pedaloes, all the, you know, this sort of centre parks thing. We played badminton. I got very competitive at badminton. You like this. I think this is a thing that's funnier in the moment, but I think you might enjoy the retelling. There's a bit where I lunge to get the shuttlecock, which is already amusing because it's called a shuttlecock. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it over, I win the point, but as I lunge and hit, I make contact with the shuttlecock and lunge,

and in the same swift movement, let out such a massive far. but not like it's like a sharp like so it's really like it's like emphasising the sort of amazing yeah it really overshadowed my athleticism really because it was quite a beautiful point that I want yeah we were in like a really sort of you know big cavernous like leisure centres

oh inside it was indoors so it and then it just went just all round the leisure centre yeah I'm sorry man I hate it when you're like doing such a perfect moment but did you get it back over the net I did I want the point yeah It was a fantastic rally. Thank you. So disgusting.

So amazing. So you did Shalcock, you did pedalo's, day with the family. Yeah. Next step. Disneyland. It was amazing. Oh my God. Right, just taught me through the day because you know this is my passion subject.

So Vicky and Andrews said, I'll go to the studios first because the Disneyland's in Paris is in two parks. But they're right next door to each other. And fantasy land. Yeah. No. Sorry, magical kingdom, not fantasy land. Oh, yeah, so fantasy land is part of magical kingdom. Yeah, no, it's okay.

Just think, just think, just think, just think. Sorry. Don't be sorry, be better. You went to Hollywood Studios first. Yeah, Hollywood Studios first. So that's much more Pixar themes, maybe a bit more modern, maybe a bit more adult. So like Hollywood Tower of Terror is there,

which we did queue up for. Such a good ride. It was very fun. I never done it before. Oh my God, we did it. When I went with Alice and Francis, I think we did it three times. in a row. It was insane.

It was like running off, running back on because it was empty. It was so good. That's the thing. If a bride is empty, you have to get straight back on. Just constantly go on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we did that. We did the new Ratatooie ride. Remy's Ratatooie Adventure

is the sweetest ride. I am obsessed with it. It's very adorable. You're just like, you go into a little rat car and then everything's from the point of view of the rat and you're like going around the kitchen. and you're like climbing over the rooftops of Paris. And they put like a champagne cork in your face and you get sprayed?

Yeah. And then the fire starts above you and you have to run away and then you go through a fridge. It's so cute. Now, time of what rides you did a Magic Kingdom? We did Indiana Jones. Fun. We did space mountain, hyper space mountains.

Oh, so you did the roller coasters then. Yeah, we did a roller coasters there. We did, it's a small world. My mother insisted on going, and it's a small world. It's my nan's favorite as well. Oh, that's sweet. got a very creepy doll from the It's of Small World's ride. Yeah, you can buy the individual dolls.

Not off the ride, obviously. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We could just grab one off the ride. It's cheaper that way. Yeah, that's a good idea, actually. Very flirty hippo in the It's a small world rides, I don't know. Is that? Yeah, I can't remember which land it would be.

They're all, like, slightly bordering on, is this culturally insensitive? Oh, it is. Yeah, but there's one land with hippos, and based on that fact, I'd guess it was sort of a African land. It must be. And there's a hippo that's just, like, giving you the eyes. And did you get... I looked over to reason.

I was like, this hippo's trying to fuck. And was Reese just rock hard. Reese was trying to give it the evils, like, back off. I'd love it. It's like looking at hippo being. I was like, hippo flirting, turning around to your family, all the men rock hard.

And the women just jiggling in their seats just trying to stimulate themselves. This is one of the most childlike rides at Disneyland. That would be very inappropriate. Hello. Isn't that the way that Ross, like, slept with someone on? Like Ross and Carol, and he gets back. Oh, you don't know all the friends references, don't you?

I have. This is, yeah. Probably give me of those controversial thing of the episode. Never seen an episode of Friends. It just ages me when you say stuff like that. But I swear there's a line in Friends where Ross is like banned from the It's a Small World Ride because him and Carol jumped off it and fucked. Fun.

Okay, that's fun. Now that is culturally insensitive. Depends in which land. If it's in Paris, go for it. City of Love. Of course. Fucking fuck away. The Parisians be like, oh yes, another couple of fucking on these small worlds.

Maybe. See, this is why they hate us. Yeah. Did you stay and watch the fireworks in the evening? No, we were going to stick around because we thought it would be a parade and we all wanted to watch night-time parade but it was just fireworks

and it's also so emotionally draining at the end of the day like it's so beautiful but they play all the most emotional little parts of songs so they'll be doing Pocahontas and it'll suddenly start doing like go the distance from Hercules

and you'll be like oh I literally like my feet hurt I'm exhausted and now I'm like having a mental breakdown and it's just it's too much and I just don't want you having that breakdown in front of your family because you're already like I don't want to project

but on a family holiday you're constantly feeling a bit weak because you're managing a lot of different personalities that probably shouldn't be together it was it was fine it was fine

I was there for three days what does that mean functionally like what is it again there's like an anagram for it my mum used it once frail like incompetent like something

I can't remember this is an Ann Bauer thing it is there's an anagram for fine and then like and she said it to me once and I said I was fine and I was like what the fuck does that mean and then I was reading a book

and it was in it and I was like she must have read this book as well it was oh god oh I can't remember we have a look I'll finish my Disneyland tales

do you tell your Disney story and I'm going to find this yeah very expensive I have bought you back a giftie from Paris but that fat-fingered mouse bled me dry it was I didn't get you something in Disneyland because it was ridiculously expensive

and Andrew and Vicky were there and they were like our stuff discounts 10% which is not nothing but it's it's not a lot that mouse wants everything from you We went to the All You Can Eat Buffet Which one? Plaza Gardens

Fucking lovely Which is good quality stuff They got these little potatoes in the shape of Mickey's head And they are gorgeous They don't Mickey Mouse. Yeah, they're really, really nice. Holy shit. It was...

How much ahead? 45 euros. 45 euros ahead. I'd say it was $45 for a buffet at Crystal Palace, which is like the American version of Plaza Guard, like at the end of Main Street, USA. You should say to Chloe Pets, oh, I'm taking you to Crystal Palace.

And they'll be like, oh, I love Crystal Palace. We're going to play some foot, Helen. And then taking her to Disney World. Just me. I just found what finds. stands for. So there's two examples of it. The first one is freak out, insecure, neurotic and emotional. Freak out. Freak out. And the second is feelings inside not expressed. So when you say, I'm fine, it's like all your feelings inside aren't being expressed. How sad is that? I don't think

this is the one my mom said. Frustrated, insecure, neurotic emotional. Neurotic is, Yeah, that's so harsh. Frustrated, emotional and insecure. For like, fine. I'm sorry, that was like, all right, whatever. That's like a sort of judgment on your personal feeling in that moment. But neurotic, that is a personality trait. But I think it's like, I'm neurotic around her.

I am always neurotic. Like, I have not done a proper family holiday in years, but the last one I did was just, my parents and me, and this is, oh, fucking hell. It must have been like 2014 or something. I think I was living in Berlin, but, like, they were going on a summer holiday to Greece. Right.

And they were training the whole way there. Like, they trained from Fleet to Athens. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Because my dad loves trains. My mom just reads, this is before they got, this is probably the final straw before they got divorced. and he just looks out the window with his mouth open for like 20 hours,

like so happy. And I went to go meet them in Athens, and then we went to like an island as well. And like any, like literally we had like a lovely 24 hours. And then after that, if any of us even looked at each other, the world was over. Like we had nothing to say. Like every,

I felt like I was being watched everything I ate because I'm a lot of fatter than my parents. Like, holy shit, it was so stressful. the only time we got a good conversation going was we were walking back from dinner one night to this hotel we were staying in and there was a dead lizard on the road that had been run over and it was like, thank God something to talk about.

So we spent like 20 minutes like the three of us just looking at it being like oh that's sad, isn't it? Yeah, very sad. What sort of car do you reckon? Might have been a truck. Yeah, no, it's fully squished. Do you reckon it had a family? Maybe they saw it happen. happen. It was so awful. We should probably have on our guest, shouldn't we? We should have on our guest. We've really whittied away. Yeah. Well, and there's no dead lizards to give us

something to talk about. So really at the end of our conversation of Ted. I mean, we can talk about musicals, but I'm so scared that Catherine, we'll hear about this and then we'll ever be able to do it again. We'll talk about music. We're going to tell you about a strange loop. Oh my gosh. Yes. I literally, as soon as you saw me, you saw it, I saw a bus with an advert for it go past me and I was like it's a sign that I have to bet. You do have to go. So we just book tickets and the extras. Yeah, we'll book some tickets in the extras. We'll tell you what date we're going. I get my Maggie. You book tickets as well. I'll give you your Maggie from Paris. But for now, let's have on our amazing guest. Let's solve some problems. Chat life. It's Sarah Roberts.

What's up? Hogs? It's Helen Bauer here. Just to let you know, I am going on tour this year. It's starting in Edinburgh. I'll be there from the 14th to the 27th. And then I'm hitting up Europe. I'm hitting up Paris. Halim, Copenhagen, the places you've been begging for me to go. And then all around the UK, apart from Wales, for some reason, I don't have a Welsh date yet. So please, if you're in Wales and you have a venue, just let me know and I'll just come there. We'll have a bit of fun. All the tickets are available on my website. And I'd love to see you there. And please bring Helen Gifties. Thank you so much. Goodbye. Hello Hogs, it's Catherine. I'm going to the Edinburgh Fringe. I'll be there from the second to the ninth at Monkey Barrel at 12 o'clock. I'd love to see you. I am also recording, though, my own radio show in two parts, but it'll all be recorded in one go at the BBC tent. There will be tickets very soon available on the BBC website. Please keep an eye on that because what I would desperately love is for people who actually like my comedy to be in the room. It's a big room, but the tickets will go fast because they're free on the ninth in Edinburgh. And I would genuinely love to have you there. So please.

please, I'll put out the link when it comes up, but put the dates in your diary, and I'll see you at the Edinburgh Fringe. And after the Edinburgh Fringe, I'll be doing two nights of my work in progress at Soho Theatre. So if you're not coming to the Fringe, on the 22nd and 23rd, I'll be in London's Soho Theatre, and I'd love to see you there. Welcome, Sarah Roberts! Thank you for joining us. Oh, thanks for having me. Doesn't it feel so exciting? It does. I can't believe it.

Isn't it nice to decorate? You've got one of your merch. Merch? These are gifting. Yes. Yeah, people have hand crocheted a lot of these pigs for us. Wow. The pictures are...

Are they all from the same person? No. Because they've got a real distinct style. Yeah, I think they've just got the vibe of the podcast. I think they're all queer, queer crochets who maybe have a similar style to making. This one's very queer. This one here. That's me.

This one. Yeah. This is Catherine. She's a little piggy with. the shits. Catherine has the shits. The hair is so good. We have to call Catherine after this

and just check in with her and just make sure the shits have not become something as like a severe dehydration case. Oh yeah. I mess with just saying, do you have any like rehydration sachets? If not I can pop over afterwards and she was like, no, I've got some.

And I was like, you just don't want me there. You don't want me to see or smell what's happening in your flat right now, but it's going to be fucking insane. She doesn't have a window in her bathroom. We need to stop talking about this because she will kill her. what gave her this? She said she thinks she got food poisoning from a wedding. Now here's where

I think she's lying because food poisoning presents itself immediately, right? Like it's so quick. Whereas if she got the shits this morning, her wedding was on Sunday. Today is Tuesday. Like this, she had a dirty kebab last night and she's refusing to admit it.

Like, Helen, I'm doubled over with pain and everything is bad without going into too much detail. I think I got food poisoning at the wedding I went to yesterday. Was the wedding on a Monday? I swear she went to the wedding on the Sunday. Oh, maybe it was a two-day thing.

Oh, okay, that makes more sense. Okay, maybe. But either way. I'm awful. Without going into too much detail, and then you've just fully... I know, I won her immediately. And she had, like, a sweaty sheen to her.

Did she sound bad? She did, but she's very good at doing the, like, oh, poor Irish country. Catherine. I don't have got anything right. You know if she's good at that victimness. Are you good at getting sympathy when you're ill? No. I have a nurse mum and she always

would never ever let me like take a day off school. So I know ever. She would be like well I treated someone whose eye fell out yesterday so I get over well she's a gynecologist so not I don't want to go into too much detail but like no. So I just

I mean, I do... I used to fake sick all the time. Yeah, I just never got away with it. Or even the school nurse? No. Are you fucking joking? My mum would be like, is she being sick and I'm not picking her up?

Would you never just pretend you were sick? Like, unless I was like, you know, ugh. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, no, don't do that. Just go to the toilet and come out and say, I was sick. Yeah. I was so ill. I do it all the time.

I managed to get Sir Neil Patel to give me a five-minute cuddle this morning because I said I was feeling sad. Was I? I don't really know if I was. I think I just wanted detention. But it worked. Five minutes? Yeah, he brought me in a coffee and I went, I feel sad. And he went, you've got to get out of bed.

And I went, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. And then I made him cuddle me. Did it get to quite an awkward stage of cuddling? That's one second in with you and to nail. One second in. He disassociates and he just sort of like, he's hugging me and he's on his phone. So he's reading like, he's got like a Twitter crypto account where he just reads crypto.

Really? He's a crypto, bro. how did you not know this that's his entire thing i didn't know that he's got his own cryptocurrency it's a nilbux it's a nilbux i'm sorry i don't know what the hell that means right you shouldn't know it's fucking mad okay he's mad but um i managed to like bully him into doing things to take care of me i do it with all my friends all the time like i think it's like a pathological need to be taken care of even though if someone actually takes care of me i think they're gross but like I will reach out for love and comfort. I don't have that, but I do have a pathological need to rot.

Like, I love to, like, just lie. Like, I don't want anyone looking after me. I just want to be alone. Wait, when you say to rot, do you mean that you've got a need to lie down and die? More like lie down and, like, watch stuff for, like, two days straight and eat loads food. Like, no one can see you.

But I don't want anyone to contact me. but it's not like sad it's like that sounds like depression it's not sad no it's depression close all the curtains no one can see you and you lie vertical no no curtains open occasional trips for snacks

but I just like want to like you know pass a little bit of time without like just being perceived for a while I also feel like you're doing that right now because you refuse to talk into the microphone and you're like I just want to rot and you just want to lie back have you ever looked at that

remember that website watch me rot dot com did you ever hear about this No. It was like, apparently, I've never seen it. Maybe it doesn't exist, but it was like a thing at school where it was like, you can go on watch me rock.com and it's like a dead body decomposing. Oh.

That was like a thing. Right, that doesn't sound. Okay, it was a thing in my school. Watchby rock.com. It was like, because you know, there's these places in America, and I'm not saying this is what you would do, but you can like leave your body to the criminal justice system and they leave different bodies like in different areas,

like either submerged in water or in a town, or in a car. For tests. And they see what it looks like after certain weeks of decompositions. People can identify how decomposed a body is or when they died, when they die. But like people work there.

So, it's probably so important at a decomposition field. And they walk around and, like, check to see each week and, like, write down the details. That is the most bleak job I've ever had in my life. That's tough, right? How do you then go out and do the rest of your day? That's, I can't process that.

Also, I'm very distracted because you have a coaster and you're using your own phone as a coaster. Have a little look at that on the YouTube feed. That was an amazing moment. Thank you for taking care of me. Thank you. I feel so bad for you

that you never just got to take random sick days at school. But I do now a lot for my work. But as a teenager for periods and stuff, would your mum as a gynaecologist not be like, that's okay? your iron levels are low. No, my mom used to say, I think this is like body shaming.

Go for it. My mom, my mom used to say, like, well, you don't get period pains if you have stronger core muscles. Oh my fucking God. She'd be like, you just need to work out more. Oh, my God. Shut the fuck up.

Yeah. That's like a mixture of gaslighting and body shaming all in one. That's amazing. It's a real mix. Yeah. How are your core muscles now? Bad.

Shit. How's your period pains? Bad. Really bad. You need to fucking work out, okay? Because honestly, fuck. Yeah. I'd be interested to know if there's any truth in that,

but it can't be. Because it's not your, it's your womb. It's your womb contracting. It's nothing to do with your, like, external muscles. I think it's made me gas like myself, though, because sometimes I am like, they're not as bad. Maybe it's because I went to the gym once this month. Holy shit.

And you're a gym member? I am, but... Which gym? Pure gym. Only because I'm considering joining at the moment. Well, my gym got flooded for three. months so I don't know I think I don't know I don't know well they didn't really say they just said it's flooded it's Catherine's shit yeah Catherine's join puredra

Catherine the treadmill just leaking she's it wet she's gonna hate it she's not gonna listen you're right she won't listen we never mentioned her poo-in no we were gonna going to spread a rumor about Catherine today. Oh, what should we do? This is the thing, it's so hard because she's so on top of gossip, she will hear it before, like,

it goes that far. But, like, what's a good rumor for Catherine? That's the thing. I don't know, because also, like, you don't want to say anything that, like, is libelous. She's not Irish, it's an accent. Oh, yeah, that was a fun one.

Like, um, that guy's wife, you know. Oh, my God, Ilaria. Yeah. That's my favorite thing. Oh, have you seen this? Do you want to know this? No, what is this? Oh, my, fucking.

God, Andrew, you were in for... Right, do you want to go for it? No, you start. Okay, Alec Baldwin, actor, comedian, married to Elaria Baldwin, an American woman who did live in Spain, her family are Spanish, but she is American. I don't actually know if they are.

This is the thing. There's a question. I don't think they are. I think she went to Spain on a holiday. This is where it gets really good. Now, there's like interviews of her and she's just American, just standard American accent

and then later on after she went to Spain loved it she just loved it so much her accent is so Spanish and like native Spanish people have been like she's not Spanish like

she's on like a cooking show on daytime TV right and she goes what do you call her what to call it cucumber and then Alec has had to come out and defence several times and then leave my wife a lot

she's Spanish. I love that he's just accepted that about her. You have to, and then there's an interview. That makes me like him so much more. There's an interview with Salma Hayek, and they're like, do you know Alaria Baldwin? She's like, yes. Do you know that she's not Spanish?

And she's like, oh no, I know. We all know. That's nice. It is, it is. It's like she, but somehow, like, her brain clearly, I think one of her parents is definitely Spanish. There's definitely Spanish there. Oh, you don't know about it.

And maybe she grew up with like that accent being around her a lot. But her accent has changed and everyone's just like lost her. And then what's great is that she's so into building her social media platform that for her birthday each year, Alec does a post on his Instagram because he's got a lot more followers being like, for her birthday this year, we'd really love her to get to a million followers. Oh my God, that's amazing. Oh, I would just love to be loved that much that you can be so cringe

and literally pretend, fake an accent, be essentially racist, be essentially racist and beg for followers every birthday and they're like, you are perfect. It's insane. Because the accent thing is so intent. I remember like back in the day on America's next top model,

do you remember this show? Oh, yeah. Do I? It haunts me every night. Why do I still enjoy thinking about it? I know it's fucked. Did you watch it? No, no.

Andrew's little? I'm, yeah, I'm only little. How old are you? I'm only four. Four. No, I'm 23. What? Yeah, I know, I've got a bad hairline.

I made a friend's reference earlier. That's crazy. No idea. Really? Yeah, but I don't know that's generational. I think that's me being deliberately ignorant because a lot of people my age and younger have seen friends. I've just avoided it.

Yeah, well, everyone hates it now, don't they? Which is fair. Oh, shit. What the fuck? When? No, I know that. No, but I was trying to like, didn't. Right, do you remember, doesn't Ross Geller have a line

that him and Carol slept on the It's a Small World Ride and then they got banned from it? I thought they slept in the Planetarian. That was Rachel. Oh. With Carol, his ex-wife. I didn't know. He loves a public shag, doesn't he?

Yeah. Yeah. Have you ever had a public shag? Have you ever had a public shag? Have you ever had a public shag? I have had a public shag. Well, I don't know if it counts as public if it's like not, like it wasn't like in a, in a, like, museum or anything.

Like it was like, you know, outside Like by a lake Quite nice A public check That is so nice by a lake But also If you were to go for a museum Let's go back to the lake in a minute

Which museum would you fucking Oh that's a great question When you said that I thought you meant like Oh it wasn't display worthy Like as if As if the shagging would be A set display

Yeah I mean it was actually after my prom At uni No no it wasn't It wasn't nice. We'd all just been swimming in the lake. Gross. Yeah.

And everyone was like nearby. Yeah. And you would like, yeah. Yeah. When it's all sort of like, it's like too bacteria. Yeah, it was disgusting actually. I think it got quite unwell after that. What lake?

Norrie. Okay, at my uni we had this thing. Here we go. Well, it was like the five L's and you had to have sex at all five places, beginning with the L on campus. What? Okay. This is actually a thing.

Laundrette Library, Lake, LCR, which was like our club, and... Laundrette Library, LCR, Lake. Lecture Theatre. Oh, wow. And so, like, in, like, the last week of the year, everyone would be, like, shagging everywhere trying to get the five L's done. That's fucking mental. That is mad.

Where in the library? They have, like, little rooms. Okay, that makes better. Yeah, that you could lock. Yeah. Okay. You could hear people having sex. Oh, what uni is this? Norwich, uni?

UEA, yeah. Fucking hell, University of East Anglia. Correct. Thank you very much, everyone. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Do you? Yeah.

And me. And you? Yeah. Two now. I know. And I swear like Josh Norris, John Cairns, Pat Cahill, they all went there as well. I believe so, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's...

Little UEA knowledge. I wonder a favourite. Yeah. I can't imagine any of them, any of them doing the Five O's. I didn't. managed to do the five else. How else did you do? I think I did like,

I think I did maybe two elves. Lake, obviously. Lake and LCR, the club. I mean, easy. In the toilets. Yeah. Yeah. I've tried a toilet shag before, but it was so tricky in the club

because there wasn't enough space to get in a good position because it wasn't like an accessible stool. It was like just a regular stall. Right. Like, I think you have to pick the toilet club that you go to because it's like, it was the wrong with me.

Instead, I just got fingered on the bar stool. Legend. Shout out to Tel Aviv Balshrap. Fucking sick. In Tel Aviv. Wow. You've lived a life, Helen.

It really is amazing. I've travelled. That's what happens when you end to your 30s. You've got a lot of stories. I've never fucked to the museum though. No, I don't know which one I'd pick. I've been thinking about it since you asked and I can't. I'm thinking of the, what's the Irish Museum you went to with all the terrible wax work?

National Wax Museum of Islands. I think that's the one I'd go. for, yeah. Holy shit. Is it like a poor man's so good. Madam Two So. Oh, like, it's so far from a poor. This man is broke, man.

He's not even poor. Like, it is insanely good. But there's another shout out for this museum. I know I did it last year. If you are in Dublin or if you're going to the Paddy Power Comedy Festival, definitely go to the National Wax Museum of Ireland. There's no curation.

You can meet James Joyce and Jedwood in the same room. Enjoy yourselves. In the same room. So it's just Irish people in there. Oh, oh, oh. Tina Turner is also. there next to Ask Wild. It's fucking mad.

No one has thought about it. There's no rival reason at all. Apart from the religious room, which is two characters from Father Ted and the Pope. And that's the one I'm shagging in. That's your room. That's really sweet.

There's actually a little chair in there as well. It's convenient. I'd probably go historical shag. Yeah. Like living museum sort of a thing. Where like people could sort of like we could be in character. Like I could be like a Victorian madam. Yeah, that would be really fun.

Milestones in Basingstoke. I love that you have been presented with a sexual, exciting opportunity and you're like, how can I make this into Amdram? Everything should be Amdram. LARPing. LARP. Live action roleplay, but shag.

I think that's what it would. I would want to do something. I don't want to go to like a history museum. I don't want to go to the Imperial. Tell you what would be fun. The Kobe earthquake simulator at the Science on Natural History Museum. That would be really fun.

Human parts to be like on a shaky. It only lasts for like 20 seconds So it happens All right guys with me now With these fun bags Come on Fun bags I can see you

Let me guess which Me Yeah maybe aquarium Aquarium is not a museum Is the museum a fish Idiot Aquarium's that's nice though Yeah

I don't know if I want to do it like Okay actually like actually like, you know, romantic shag or like... Fun? Yeah, a lull shag. Like High Wicam Chair Museum. Yeah, or like, I don't know.

Well, now I want to also be in like a knight's costume, maybe like Warwick Castle. Oh, yeah. That's fun. Have you been to Warwick Castle? It's such a good castle. I've not. I think the Leeds Castle.

That one in Hampton Court Palace. Proper like, kitchens. Gorgeous. Yeah. Gorgeous. And you can do special nights there where you dress up. The maze.

that would be the maze in Hampton Court Palace, that's where I would have said. But that isn't a museum, I'm sorry. No, I think there's more of a museum than an aquarium, to be fair. What is an aquarium then? It's more of a zoo, thank you, yeah. Well, what's a zoo then? A collection of animals.

Yeah, but there are... What... It's still, it's in the museum family. I mean, I guess. A museum family is anything that you do on like a day out that you like go in for entrance. I don't know, because then you would say, A fun fairer's a museum family.

No, it's not. It's the Shrek experience is a museum. According to your... A Shrek experience is a museum, yeah. That's a walk-through museum. That's a living museum. That's what that is. That is like the Black Country Museum,

the Shrek experience, because you're walking through Shrek's world. I've been to the Shrek experience. Isn't it fucking... It is really good. I met my ex-boyfriend's parents the first time at the Shrek Museum. And I was really late.

The Shrek's museum. What is it called? Strecks Adventureland. Shrek Museum, Shrek Museum. No, Shrek experience, but Shrek Museum. It was so hard to, like, be into it enough, but not too into it, that it was really weird. It's so hard to be into it just in general, I'll say. I went with Catherine.

You didn't love it? I loved it, but I just felt like I was being attacked the entire time, so I couldn't imagine being there with someone that wasn't Catherine. Because, like, did they pick any adults to participate in the tasks? I can't remember. I was very much sweating. You were panicked. Yeah, I was really panicked, so it was sort of a bleak. bit of blackout.

Did you a photo shoot with Shrek at the end? Yeah. So good as well. Yeah. But I don't think a photo shoot should ever be the best thing about a day out experience. Like the picture at the end shouldn't, I don't think that says a lot about how good. But it wasn't the best part of it. Oh, just because you picked it out.

Okay, well, it was the, pardon, spoiler alert. The night bus ride. I liked the room when you had to do the quiz and Pinocchio was being tortured. I enjoyed that a lot. I liked the bar tab. I've not been. With the, yeah, no, Andrew can't come. Why?

I don't know I just wasn't invited. Yeah, I wasn't invited. Oh my God, that's true, I thought. It is true, yeah. That's so sad. Well, you know what happened?

It was at your birthday. It was my birthday, Catherine and Helen went to Shack Experience, and I waited in Nando's until they were done, and then they came and met me for food. What? We did.

I didn't know we were doing this. Was it because it was expensive? To the Shrek experience. I mean, at least that's some kind of an excuse. Yeah, yeah. No, I respect it. Did you think you would ruin the experience? No, I didn't fucking organising it.

Oh, shitty McGee! She planned it. And then my surprise was that you would be Nando's. And then what did we do after that? I remember, because it was the Trusty Hogs gig, and I did it. And you guys arrived and you were... It was digliss life. You had all of your...

You had like three big long drinks. Oh, this was beautiful. You were a couple of circle. Yeah, you had, and you were pouring... I wasn't invited. And you were pouring Prosecco into them, and they still had slushy in them. It was wild. Well, I'd like to level the playing field.

Having been reminded that I wasn't invited by Catherine, I just want to look down, down the camera. Do it. Catherine Bohart, at this moment in time, Catherine, Mary Joseph Bohart, has the shits. Let us not forget. She's frothing! Oh, God. No, it's good, it's bossy positivity that women like that get the shits.

really important um so we solve a problem how long have we talked katherine usually does this oh yeah brings on the problem oh so which museum do you want to fucking sorry we'll just say in that and then uh uh like oh you said i think so yeah if that counts i think you can have it yeah i think you can have it yeah i think that's fair yeah i'll accept it yeah not aquarium though i've done berlin wall what here by the oxo tower have you actually um yeah places i've had sex outside. Really? Yeah. Wow, I didn't know this.

Banymore wasn't penetrative sex so I don't think. I think it was fingering. No, like math stuff. Oh, it was snobking. Thank you for the demonstration. Like, oh, oh, oh, and a blah, la la, blah.

Wow, I think that's bolder to do in public than sex. Yeah, I think that is more, because the position is much more compromising than just because when you're just like, you know, next week together. It was very early hours. It wasn't like all the tourists were there taking pictures.

But it was. I swear I told the story on like a TV show. There's a recording of this somewhere of me trying to explain. No, the pier that juts out by the oxo tower. I had sex with the end of that. But also again, very early hours. Very early hours. Okay.

So like fun. You know. And then also. they used to be, well there still is. It's like a circle garden right by where this morning used to film. R. IP. Am I right, guys? Hey? Cheers. Cheers. You know, fuck them. They all knew.

Anyway, we can say that, right? Yeah. Allegedly they all knew? Sick. Allegedly they all knew. He's a fucking nonce. Hello. We've got so many international listeners that are going to be like, what are you talking about? Google this morning and Phillips Schofield.

Okay, thank you. It's like a little circle. garden and it used to have loads of hedges around it and then we also had sex in there but it's like since then all the hedges have gone so if anyone saw her now they'd be like she fucked in that that's messed up but it used to be a lot more secluded they also want to shit myself in that garden you know um where I sat on the bench by accident and I shit through the day she sat through the bench beautiful what like through the bit to the patron extras.

Okay, sorry. That's crazy. Was it the same person, sorry, to go back to the... Same person, same night. OXO... Wait, Berlin Wall. Birling... Different man.

Different man. Berlin Wall was just like a random guy for one night. The oxo and the garden. You were like, did you go out? Like, were you planning to... No, I was a party tour guide in Berlin. So I'd take people out.

Right. And show them the clubs, right? And you weren't supposed to sleep with them. kiss them. Right. But I knew I was definitely not going to be naughty. Because I didn't want to work for the company. Sounds like someone broke the rules. I got fired. I didn't go fired. For shagging? Yeah. For shagging. Just because like I also just like didn't want to do it. I guess to be honest, I think like that is pretty far to be like no offense, not at all to such shame. But do like carnalingis at the Berlin Wall with a customer. Sorry. The Berlin Wall, separate.

people we were unifying like if anything that's what they wanted also how about this i've got german heritage he was israeli isn't that fucking beautiful when you think about it that is the coming together of german and the jewish people together that's gorgeous like emotional and i remember being like i must have been like 24 so this is also shut the fuck up sorry sorry I always have to say it Sorry That's okay Really?

What I Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, that's the word I don't know you're half Jewish Which side, mummy side? Dads, I had to Um Uh, what's it called when you

Bat mitzvah? No, well to do that I had to Convert Convert Yeah, that's the word, yeah Did you bat mitzvah though? Yeah, I did bat mitzvah. I've only went to one, only like, one girl at my school

school was Jewish and her bad mitzvah was spark in the fire. It was so much fun. Chocolate fountain. Stop! Oh, that's good. Yeah. Oh, I want to hear about your bat mitzvah for now. Talk us through.

Oh, I can't, I mean, I can't really remember it. I remember that I had to, like, learn... Hebrew. Hebrew. Yeah. I used to have to teach at the synagogue. No way. Yeah.

At, like, Hader. Well, Sunday is the synagogue teaching day. But I was, like, a really bad teacher. I'm really not. very good with children. There was this really, like, naughty child. And I said, and I felt traumatised by what I said to him and his reaction. Because he was, like, really naughty, and I was like,

this is why you don't have any friends. I said that to him when I was, like, 14, and then he burst into tears. Yeah, obviously, he would burst into tears. And then I just stopped teaching. I was like, I don't know if I can do this. Holy shit. Yeah, I'm too much of a bitch. How old was the kid that you said that to?

Really quite young. Little, little. But he was quite horrible. Quite horrible child. But, you know, also, I don't think you should have 14-year-olds who don't know Hebrew, teaching Hebrew. That's all 14-year-olds do, is teach. Like, all of their babysitting.

Like, 14-year-olds should be doing nothing. But we're all babysitting and stuff. It's mad. Yeah, it's quite a lot of trust that you're putting into a 14-year-old. Who is the most meanest, horriblest age. Yeah. They haven't learned shame yet. They...

This isn't my new show. Shout out to come see me on tour. But like, the fact that when I was 18 and I was applying for a job at a shop, I had to do like a trial shift, a CV, like cover letter, all of that. But then at 14 with no experience, nothing, people would give me the keys to their house and their babies. Like, that's mental.

Mental. Because that age, like, I was like a sociopath. Because, like, all I was doing was going home from school and like building civilizations on the computer. I commit a war crime by like 8 p.m most of it was bad. Yeah, I was like a full troll on the internet. No, you were. On MSN, yeah.

What neo-pants? Habo Hotel. Oh, I remember Habo Hotel. I was trolling on Habo Hotel. Yeah. You were actually a troll? Well, I was like, I feel like this might be a problem. I was like forcing people to, not forcing, but I was like, you know, instigating,

Cybersex. No! On Habo Hotel? On Habo Hotel? As a 14 year old? As a 14 year old. Holy shit! I was a horny little monster.

And you couldn't wank it out? Well, I was also doing that too. Oh shit, you were that level of sex drive. Yeah, I think I was actually quite a psychopath when I was a teenager. Because I also remember at synagogue once, me and my friend Becca, we set a light. We were like found a lighter. Yeah. Well, I think it was probably ours.

Yeah, yeah. Fucking crazy. Also, we weren't, I wasn't cool. Like, I think the problem was that, like, I hadn't ever met boys before. So I was just, like, you know, I constantly wanted stuff to happen. You go to an all-girls school,

and then a synagogue, obviously, there were boys there. Yeah, synagogue. Oh, it was so hot. But me and my friend Becca, we sat on fire at some tissue, and it went up in flames, and it was during Saturday service. So, like, there was loads of people, like, praying. And they had to,

The fire alarm went off, and they had to, like, get everyone out. Wow. And did that turn you on? I think so. No, actually, I freaked out because I was so scared about what my parents were going to do. So I blamed it on Becca, and she just took it. Fair do you, Becca. Shout out to Becca, if you're listening, we hope you're doing well.

We hope that I didn't set a light in you a need for arson. Yeah, it's fucked up, but I also, like, I kind of, like, I've got sympathy as well for the 14-year-old you. Had to go to synagogue on Saturday and Sunday. It was all the hormones charging through your body. You're trying to figure stuff out. You're not around guys most of the week. Like, you find a lighter, you want to burn something. Like, I've got a lot of love for the little you who's just trying to figure it out.

Thank you. I could be a psychopath, but I think it's just, it's a tricky fucking age. Yeah. Also, like, you know, we discussed this before we started recording, but you were a Jacqueline Wilson reader. Do you know what I mean? Like, you were mentally traumatising yourself for fun, you know? Yeah, it was right there in our faces, wasn't it? Yeah, like we all wanted to be Despine baby.

Yeah. I get it. Yeah, it was very much like the cool people in every book or TV show were like... Fucked up. So fucked up. Like getting like shot in the face and then, you know, everyone was in love with them. The coolest thing you can do is get a shot on the face. Oh, if only...

If only I could get a shot on the face. That would fucking suit me so much. We'd come, obviously. Oh, no. Did I have sex? I went to a mixed school, they would have fucking loved it. Did you? That's so lucky. I think it is, though.

I really think it is. Because it's like, there was never any, like, suddenly, like, boys are forbidden or they're being introduced. I still feel like boys are forbidden. See, I went to an old boy school, and I have the opposite. But then I am a gay man. Yeah, in many ways, I kind of benefited from that system. Don't keeping the girls away. But then again, a gay boy at a mixed school, like.

The gay boys at my school did so well with the girls. Because we were all just, like, rallied around them and said the best past. We all fancied them, we weren't aware. I did, I did, I, like, the girls liked me, but only, like, post 15 after I came out. Because beforehand, I really thought I wanted a girlfriend. And, like, I would ask girls out. Yeah. And so every Friday, the girls' school and the boys' school would meet at Lizzie Gardens.

And, actually, let me get some messages for you. Oh, my God. This is a time capsule to 13-year-old Andrew. Go get it, go, get it, go, get it. Remember, when we're reading these out, when this is 13-year-old Andrew, this is only 10 years ago. This is not as long ago for anyone else.

Right? When I started doing stand-up, Andrew was finishing school. Oh my God. How mental is that? That really freaks me out. So, there's a backstory to these messages. Okay.

So we all went to Lizzie Gardens. I thought I fancied this girl called Tilly. Mm-hmm. And she was going out with a guy called Ben, but then they broke up. And we were all at Lizzie Gardens. and Ben said to me, and then you fancy Tilly,

I'll give you permission to ask her out. Her mission? Wow. And I'm like, fantastic. I've actually already written a song. Oh my God. But just to check, you knew you were gay,

but you wanted a girlfriend, you didn't, you hadn't accepted. I know I like boys, but I thought I also like girls. And to this day, I suppose, I'm not like 100% only attracted to men, but enough to be like, let's not a faf, you know.

Yeah, yeah. I think the best one, I describe it as like if there was a beach of a hundred sexy women and one like average looking man, I'm, I'm probably with the man. Yeah, right. Yeah. I'm with you. It depends on how sexy the women though. I suppose, yeah. I do Vigella Lawson is there, like, bouncing up and down.

Like, you're not going to like... And I do sometimes get tripped up by boyish lesbians, but I think that's a visual like, oh, oh, sorry, my God. I understand that. Yeah, that makes sense. It's really very confusing. I actually get tripped up by the exact same thing. Yeah, it's an absolute nightmare. Yeah, I don't even know where I'm at. You're just fit, just general fit. but I would just fall for you either way.

Wow, that's so much. I'm straight. Oh, I, uh, thank you so much. You're so welcome. Thanks. No, that's not. Hello, you can send. Yeah, let's do this.

Um, so I wrote a song. I sang, I sang the song to Tilly. The last line in the song is, will you go out with me? The rest of it was just like, oh, you're great, whatever, you're cool. And then I was like, we got on me, but I didn't sing the last line. And then she went, oh, it's a really good song.

Come sing it with my friends. So then she like, I kept walking me around the gardens to different groups of people. making me sing the song again. Oh, my darling boy. So I sang like four or five times. And then that night I was like, oh, I missed, I missed up my chance. I made a Facebook account.

I wasn't allowed Facebook because I was only just 13. So I made a Facebook account to message chili. I'll read you the messages. It's 9th of June, 2013. Wait, wait, sorry. So you, did you sing to her friends? Yeah. Yeah, I sang.

He went around the whole park and sang it like four or five times, but without the last line. Yeah. Okay, so go on. 2013, 19th June. But that went okay. the scene was alright yeah she found it quite cute the singing yeah I feel like you were bullied

I think I was similar to you I think I didn't realise yeah you didn't realise it but can you hear now yeah she was okay Tilly it's Andrew I've made a temporary account because I'm an idiot I should have told you the last line of the song but I chickened out

I don't know why because you're beautiful kind smart and everything else heart emoji I'm sure you can guess it and it's probably obviously I wanted to dot dot dot will you go out with me question mark kiss kiss kiss then I clearly tried to say hey the next day 10 to June 10 am she read it she didn't reply she didn't reply and I said hey but I actually mistyped it as hook

hgg but they didn't have unsend back there I think that's quite cool actually like oh I don't care I'm just like randomly sending this and thank you you can argue I don't care I'm just singing a song and sending that long message and creating an account so there's no playing an account changes everything yeah And so at 10 a.m. I say hug. And then clearly I'll learn some news over the school day

because at 5pm I then message her again. Actually, don't worry, you're going out of Ben now, cry emoji. She got back with Ben who gave me permission to ask her out. Yeah. Oh, no, no. Laughing crying. No, no, no. Just a sincere crying emoji.

Yeah. Oh, no, really sincere. What does she say? Hey, look, I'm sorry. She did respond eventually. Okay, good. 10 days later, sorry. 10 days, so you'd seen her at school for 10 days?

No, because she's at the girls school. Girl school? Yeah, so I didn't see her. But you'd seen Ben? I'd seen Ben, yeah. And Ben didn't mention anything. No, Ben didn't. Ben was one of the cool kids.

Finding this whole thing incredibly upset. Yeah. Hey, look, I'm sorry, but I'm happy with Ben, but I would love to be friends with you, and I'm sorry for not replying. I saw it, then had to go for tea, then forgot to reply. See you in town tomorrow.

Okay, thanks for applying, yeah, still friends. Oh, well, that's... That's in my books on really good terms. Thank you. Oh, how embarrassing. Oh, how humiliate it. I don't know that Sarah's narrative. Thank you.

And to read out loud again. Oh, Andrew. I think that's pretty, I think that's actually really mature. Thank you. And also, like, amazingly brave to put yourself out there. Like, the amount of people who never do it, never go like, I fancy you, be my boyfriend. Like, it's a hard thing to do.

or be my girlfriend or whatever. Like, it's so tricky. But I think amazing that you were able to do it at that age. Thank you. And I also, I just remember the song I sang was actually like to the tune of a very niche musical theatre song just to sort of add to the... I can't remember what it was now. It's going to be like Sunset Boulevard or something like way too intense.

No, it was. It was like that. Like Guys and Dolls? No, it was even like, it was more like Sunset Boulevard, like really sort of B-side musical. And the reason I did it was because I was like, oh, no, I don't even know what that is. Exactly. there you go um it is as i thought if i sang a song from that and changed the lyrics no one know that i no one knows this musical so i could think i just wrote it oh god so that's um

yeah i never had a boy write a song for me so i think that's very romantic you yeah but you would have you fall in love with loads of gay boys i would if someone wrote a song for me i'd literally like i'd just come everywhere like it'd have been a nightmare at school like it just didn't yeah i asked my friends to write a song for me for my birthday once how was it good um No, it wasn't good But they did it That's all right, yeah Yeah

How old were you? Probably like 18 That's fine Do you think? Yeah I think it was a thing for 18th birthdays Like my friends Like my friend Torrey made like a video

Yeah A video What age would have been wrong Just out of interest Oh like last year Oh Maybe your friends get together And right

Actually for a lot of my school friends 30th We did like silly things Like, for Emma Black's birthday, we recreated Elephant Love Medley from Moulin Rouge. And, like, playing all the parts and spliced it all together.

Then it was so random. Like, the other day, Sineer was watching Seinfeld and it was the episode called The Red Dot. And I was like, God, I know this episode so well. Why do I know this episode so well? And it's because, for my friend Louis's 30th during lockdown, everyone got a couple of scenes each from that episode

and filmed themselves doing it and, like, made... He's his favourite episode of his favourite TV show and recreated it. See, I think those are the best presents. That's a lovely gift. I got, you know, the Kardashians, Chris Jenner, when she's like, I love my friends.

Where did that? Where did that come from? I watched the Kardashians. I don't know this. You know the song where, you know, that she made like a, on her 30th birthday, she made like a thing for her friends. And then the Kardashians recreated it.

Oh my God, yeah, when Kylie doesn't want to be in the car and it's like a massive fight. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Because she's having problems with the team. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So my friends made me that, which was really cool. That's nice. That was really good.

Oh, that's really cute. Oh, my God, it's all right. Each of the songs. Yeah. Do you want to come back on in, like, no, let's give each other a couple of months. Come back on in October. What about Catherine? We'll do a chorus that will address Catherine's shit. Each of us, because by that point, she'll forgotten about it, and then we'll bring it back up.

Yeah. Helen's got fantastic tits. Catherine Boehut's got the shit. Yes. There you go. Actually, that's a really nice beat. and also Catherine doesn't know many musical so we can totally use musical theatre as the backdrop for it.

I'm only saying Guys and Dolls because I did watch it for the first time last week. Oh, did you go to the big theatre? No, I saw the film. I've never seen it live. I knew the songs but I've never watched it. So good. It's fantastic.

Holy shit, and also the cast. It's Marlon Brando and Frank Sinatra. Wow, why is it so underrated? How insane is it underrated? Well, I mean, I've never seen it and I can only see things from my perspective. Are you a fan of musical theatre? Do you go to?

Um, I don't know. Yeah, I guess. I guess, like, in an average way. Like, I like it. You enjoy it if you see it. I'm not like, whoa, she, like, I wouldn't say one of my things is I'm obsessed with musical theatre,

but like, I like to, I like it. Andrew, let's do a problem. She's pissed me off. Sorry. I think that's a very reasonable standpoint. Yeah. It's better than Catherine's, which is... She hates it.

Yeah, she hates it. I mean, that's weird. Despite the fact, she's going all the time now, she's with Ellen. Oh, I saw this musical, I saw this music on. I said, go to fuck over yourself. Why don't? You know what I mean?

But I do like it. Yeah, you think you do, but like, the fact you don't know what Sunset Boulevard is makes me really question that. Okay, fair enough. That is quite a niche one, and it is quite a, like, it's a shit musical as well. It's not got a single big, good song in it.

As if we never said goodbye. It's fine, I guess. You are such a fucking asshole. What's your favorite musical? Oh, no. See, there we go. Let's do a problem. It's getting nasty.

This is a problem from O. Hi-ah. Hi-o. Oh, says... Oh, that's fun, isn't it? Hi-o. Hi-oh. Like, hi-ho.

That's good. Hi, Helen, Catherine, not here. She's got the shits. And Andrew. And, of course, our lovely guest, Sarah. Yeah.

I hope you're all doing well. Please refer to me as O for this question. He-him pronouns. Fantastic. Before I start, I just want to say, thanks for keeping me company these past couple of months when I've been struggling with my mental health.

No, do not listen to this. You're struggling with your mental health. For the millionth time. Get the car map or something. This is going to make you so. anxious but good luck with the rest of your journey oh i recently joined the it's such honestly like yeah but i get it because when i'm struggling mentally i listen to the real dictators podcast so you think we think we're the same vibe as the real dictators podcast yes okay uh i recently joined

the patreon and making my way through the bonus content good luck uh thank you i recently found out my ex-partner they them has gotten into a new relationship through lurking on their Facebook page brackets I know I shouldn't have been yeah but you're struggling mentally you're obviously going to go do some Facebook stalking of the exes I won't go to do that yeah it's like mandatory for any break oh not that I've ever had

a relationship but um yeah you've never had a breakup is what you mean to say you're in a relationship right now oh yeah I guess I am smug I won't go into it makes you feel any better Catherine Bohart has the shits I won't go into the details of our breakup

but let's just say it was very messy like I'm sorry and they weren't very nice to me and my family including my recently sorry I can't read this line laughing sorry we need to message her at some point again just check in and I've got images about passing out on the toilet

So lacking in your fluids. Anyway, very messy breakup. They weren't very nice. There were some sensitive family issues that they weren't nice about. That's not nice. So yeah, very sort of toxic X. And this person is saying, oh, part of me wants to reach out to their new partner and warn them of all the traumatising shit that happened

as I would hate anyone else to go through something similar. I have OCD and will sometimes take on unnecessary responsibility for things that are definitely out of my control. and I feel like I should protect this person even though I've never met them. I know this is most likely a bad idea as I may have to speak to my ex again in the long run but I'd rather risk that

than put someone else through the pain and trauma again. What are your thoughts? Should I move on with my own life or do I take action and prevent pain my ex will inevitably cause? Thanks for reading and keep up the amazing work. You've got to move on with your own life. Have I do a puff of vape for that.

Yeah, obviously I have a path of vape. You have to move on. Oh, I'm so sorry and I totally get the research. can talk this through with friends as many times you want, but your ex, they, they've moved on, they haven't told you about this relationship, you don't know about it, yeah, they were an absolute fuck what to you. However, if they are doing these awful behaviours to this new partner, that new partner might find you at some point, they might break up and you can then reach out

and validate their feelings and be like, yeah, they are toxic as fuck, they're awful. But right now, Even if you went to that person who's in the relationship, sounds like they're in a new relationship, they're not going to hear it. Anyway, if you go to someone who's happily in a new relationship, they're toxic as fuck, then all that happens is your toxic ex goes, my ex is mental.

Like, it doesn't help. Yeah, oh, it's hard. Because I do think that if someone's been really awful, that you're worried about them treating someone else that way, then like the Jonah Hill stuff. Like, Andrew just put that stuff out. Have you not seen this? No.

His ex posted a lot of, like, his text that he sent her using lots of therapy speak and being very controlling and, like, a... She's a surfer. Like, her job is a surfer. Oh, fucking rock star. And he, I know, and he, like, when they started, like, being together, he basically said that his boundaries were that she had to, like, stop surfing. He didn't want her, like, surfing with men, posting pictures in a swimsuit.

Like, she was, like, a... surf model and he was like you're not allowed to do any of that yeah and he was like these are my boundaries this is what my therapist says I need to do and it's like just mental but like she well then he needs to not go out with the surfer I know I know it's crazy but um she like that kind of thing I don't know it's so hard because it's like I just think that you need to heal first and then decide whether it's like whether you should speak to the new partner once you feel like you're definitely in a much better place. Like this, like I don't always think,

I don't think it's like a black and white thing that you shouldn't do that. I think if someone's like being really awful and they've traumatized you, you want to protect another person. But I think if you have been having like a couple of months of bad mental health, then maybe now isn't the time.

Yeah. Oh, you're a lovely person for wanting to protect this person you've never met before from this evil presence. but it's not your job to do and particularly not right now I also don't think I agree with you I don't think you're in a position to do it just because they're not going to be receptive to it

if it's a new relationship they're probably in a honeymoon phase and if anything it might it might make things worse because then they'll just like because I'm a very spite-driven person one of my best sort of writing techniques is for my boyfriend to say something isn't funny and then I will work incredibly hard to make that bit funny.

To prove it. You're so patty, I love you so much. I'll record a gig where it happens and I'll skip a bit and I went, there you go. Oh, you're so fun. I'm a real barrel of laughs. But in that same respect, I feel like if I was in a new relationship

and somebody's ex-messaged me and was like, he's really toxic, I think my response might be like, well, no, he's not. And actually, even when he started to be toxic, I'd probably be like, well, I'll prove that guy wrong because he was a dick and he messaged me.

Yeah. You kind of cling on even longer because he just want to like prove somebody wrong. I think you can be available if that happened. I mean, the other option is, obviously, like, Andrew let create a profile that you can stalk on, befriend the new partner

and try and like while in that way. This is, that's, that is crazy advice. No, I think it's quite good. I think, no, I think fair enough, I just, I don't, I think. Because they're an ex of yours, so you know what they're, is, so find pictures of people as that type, pretend to be them, spend half your day living

as that person online. And because people do it all the time. Do you remember that documentary on Channel 4? You're saying catfish. But catfish, like, not to get in a sexual relationship, but to get, to befriend the ex's new partner and, like, give them information in a backhanded way about, like, toxic people to make them start questioning their relationship. What?

That is bad, that's a toxic relationship and then also... That's like restraining order. Or a documentary. It could be either. Okay, so if you want to get like a documentary... Where's the documentary where the girl pretends to be three different boys? Hello? What?

Hello? Hi. Wait, but you're... What? Right. You think that that's... Because O wants to reach out to the new partner. and warn them

but O can't do that so be someone else Okay I... No you go BP! I think you have to deal with this. So we were really exchanging looks while you were sort of setting that all up I'm thinking out loud

I wish 94 episodes in I knew how to deal with this but I don't maybe I would counter rather than be a different person maybe message a different person maybe reach out if you really feel like you need to do something and message someone and like it will get it off your mum

mind because I do appreciate with like compulsions it is the sort of thing sometimes it is you you can't just forget about it and you do have to do something so if you really feel like you do need to do an action maybe the best thing to do is to message no is to message the friends of the new partner and just be like hey I know it's not really my place and this might be a bit weird but I just wanted you to give you a heads up as you're their friend just to keep an eye out for this it may it may just be it may just be the relationship they had with me and not that To make it valid, it's a very valid experience that you've had that and felt like that.

Yeah, so fine. Reach out to the friend, but why do it as oh when you could be someone else? I suppose, yeah. So like create another part, just for you, to be honest. I think if you're going to create another account to an anonymous account, don't do, don't like, don't like make that new person.

Do me, do me, do me, create an account as me. Do that and then warn people. Or just email us a link to their profile and Helen will do it. I will contact them. I'd be more than happy to send him a voice now. Wait, so who are you contacting? The new partner.

Right. I don't want anything to do with their ex, like his ex even. I don't want anything to do with them. But I want the new partner to be aware of what they're getting into, but I don't want O to do the emotional labour of that. Because, oh, it sounds like you're struggling and you've been struggling. I think this is just going to add stuff to it.

Okay? Yeah. Not K. Oh, okay. Very good. Very good. Look, but the first thing was just to leave it. The second is to create a different person

and third is just to talk to the friends if you need to. Those are three equally good solutions. And the fourth is used Helen as a vessel. I think that is a good option as well. Yeah, that's pretty good. I'm chatting. Should we extend this out to anybody if you have an ex in a new relationship

and you like to warn their new partner? Send us in all the details. Helen Bauer will do that as a service. to 10 pound plus patrons exclusively, thank you. Oh, is it for, okay, thank you for being a patron. Congratulations, you have access this level. Could you imagine if I actually started doing that? Yeah, that would be mad. We can't actually promise that.

I want to do in-person visits, I reckon. Oh, my God, like, postcode lottery, but it's you. Hey, just go, you know. I heard you're pretty toxic. Your ex is fucked up. I'd love if you would come up with a big, like, gold envelope. And they're like, oh my God, I've won. And it just opens up, it's a sign that says, you know, part, is a bitch.

they're a whore, run. And they were like, what do you know? You've never had a relationship, but I'm like, ah, yes! And then I run away, like, you'll never guess my name! By wearing a jacket that's just Helen on it. It'll be so far. Actually, let's look, oh, you're not at your desk.

Write that down for later, because we want to remember that. Yeah. That might be something fun that I could do in the summer. Helen, Helen. Because I'm not doing the first two weeks of fringe. Helen Bauer, new partner. New partner. X.

Postcode. Lottery. Track suit with name on it, Dianwonte. With name, brackets, Diomonte. First visitor, O,

ex-partner, new partner. First visitor. Wow. Ex-partner, new partner. I didn't know that you had such a, like, efficient way of solving problems.

You've come up with essentially a whole new branch of your career. Although this could be my career. I'm actually thinking of a rapid, up comedy around now anyway so this makes total sense for me. Are you actually? No, come on. Okay, good, good. I imagine I got starved for that attention. What would happen

to me? I'd implode. I've got too much of a taste of it now. Yeah. I do love one comedian, so like, I'm thinking of stopping and then you know, you have to be like, no. I never do that, yeah. When people are like to me like, I think I'm just going to quit, I'm like, you have to be like, no, you

can't. We need your voice. I never do that. I'm like, yeah. I never do that. I'm like, yeah fair enough it's a tough industry you did a good job goodbye yeah I always say when people say that when I mean you say like that's totally fine you can take a break and if you want to come back you come back there are no rules to say that you have to consistently do it that's what I say

like I never try and argue them out of X I also think like it is mentally and like physically quite because you're just constantly on the move you don't really get to settle down So it's like, I try and remind people that just because they don't want to do it for a while doesn't mean they've given up they're just taking a bit of space. Yeah, that's...

Whereas you go, no, you're the voice of a generation. Yeah, I believe, I believe. Well, maybe that's just saying more about like what I want when I say that. Like, I don't want people to be like, yeah, maybe that sounds like it could be a good idea. I want, which is what my mum does. And I'm like, no, you're meant to say

you're fun to my comedy career. And she will With that gynecology money She will fund your comedy career Yes Is your, what's Anne like with comedy Is she very supportive? Yeah, I love it

I'm lucky My mom is like No, my parents do love it But my mum likes it like too much Really? Like she wants to see and come to stuff Everything

Yeah And I have to be like No no But she's seen I think every bit of TV I've done Even kids shows Well, I think that's kind of... That's really nice.

Yeah. I think that's actually quite normal, no. Yeah. I would be so offended if my mom didn't watch everything I didn't. My dad doesn't watch it. Really? I'm not offended by that. Yeah.

My dad weirdly loves it. Really? Yeah, but he can't look at me when I'm on stage. He has to look down the whole time. Oh, my God. My mom can look at me, but my dad's only been once for Apollo recording and I couldn't see him. Right. I invited my dad for the first time to come and see me.

I was doing, like, new material night. like a year ago or something at Vauxhall. And I invited my dad and he turned up with ten friends who it's like a new material gig on a Wednesday. Ten friends who don't even live in London including like my godfather and they were just like half of the audience.

And I was like, no, no, this is... You know what? This is a really good time to thank Sarah and plug your gigs because I feel like we need people to come and see you. More people are not your dad's friends. have your dad's friends bringing the crowd in one night in Edinburgh it was just my parents it was me and my friend Kieran doing a split bill last year just my parents came and eight 70 plus year olds they'd met on the train oh my heart just melted oh no I can't handle that it's too cute

I've had a very similar experience before whenever my parents have flown or train or anything to like a place like Edinburgh or Brighton or whatever they always make friends on the train and somehow they're always free for the gig how does that happen how does that I don't know. And it's always thinking when there are zero other people in. Oh, God. And you're like, wow, I've sold like 10 tickets.

Amazing. And then it's just your parents and their friends. Yeah. Yeah. How many people are on a train with no plans for that evening where they're going? I suppose 70-bust yards make sense.

Yeah. They're just like going somewhere in a whim and just like, we'll just go with the vibes of it. Yeah, because they are there. The Woodstock year, aren't they? They are the old school hearings. That's so true. So it's just like, we're going to Edinburgh, man.

We'll just see what happens. Yeah. And they'll always meet someone on the train. Yeah. You know what? God, I wish we were a generation. Yeah. The best generation.

I wish I was a boomer. You are a boomer. In your heart, I feel like you might be a boomer. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. See, I wanted you to be like, no. No, oh shit. No, you're Gen Z, you're Gen Z.

You're so tiny. Like floss. That's like when I say everything. You know, Ellen. Slay, thrive, flossy. Do you watch? Your proper gentsy. Yeah, he watches Bluey.

What the fuck is that? I'm not that young. That's like a new children's show. I think I age up quite a bit in my manner, though. I've been told I have the vibe of somebody raised by their grandparents. Yeah. Yeah, you really do. Someone who definitely went home from school and watched Midsummer Murders.

Oh, I did. I really did. I used to love Midsot. Wow, you read him like a book. I went to school with that. the couple of libraries. No, really exposed. Let's send this episode.

I'm literally thinking on the boy that did write songs for girls and would ask them out and they'd be like, I guess you're going out. Have you guys number? No, I'm in relation to him. I definitely have his contact details.

He used to go to the Ambao School of Drama. Of course he did. We don't have time for this. Thank you so much, Sarah Roberts, for coming on our show. Tell them where they can come see you like because Sarah is like the best stand-up. He's so fucking funny.

I told Sidil Patel who's got no emotions, no feelings that you were coming on the point. podcast today and he was like, she's really good. I was like, I know. That is so nice. I know. Wow. That's really nice. Thanks, guys. Yeah, I've, well, I was so

bad at self-promotion. You can do it. But do it in a strange voice if you want about that house. Okay. Well, I'm, I've got actually quite a lot of stuff coming up because I'm doing Edinburgh the last week of the fringe. Like the 20th to the 27th at Cabaret Voltaire.

And I'm also doing Camden. and fringe a couple of dates at the Bill Murray. At the beginning of the month? Beginning the 6th and the 15th. Sixth and 15th of the Bill Murray. Sarah Roberts, work in progress. Yes. And then the last week of Edinburgh at Cabraltar.

All the ticket links on like your Instagram. Yeah, all on my Instagram. Instagram, TikTok. Yeah. Threads. Oh, yeah. I know. I'm like, no, it's taken me so long to get 100 followers on Twitter.

I can't try this again. It's an awful thing about you. I'm so angry with Elon Mars. Do you know what I'll do? It's because normally in the show notes it will say follow Sarah and then it'll be your at and it'll link to your Instagram

but this time I'll link it to your threads. You're welcome. What would you rather? Instagram or thread? I haven't written anything on threads because I don't want to do the thread the first out of being like oh my God what's going on here?

You know? Oh do that? Have you done that? No, I did... What did I thread? I did thread. Have a look. Yeah, have a look.

I just hate like... Oh no, I was like self-referencing the fact that it's like my first thread. Yeah, mine would have been like that. Mine would have been like that. Oh my god, no, because I'm just going to call out mine now and it's going to be really cringe and you're going to be like,

oh, I would have done that, but... It's a picture of you looking sad and it says ready to thrive on threads. And then you also said, would be lush to be the first person to meet their soulmate. You spell meat like, like, meat, like animal meat. Fuck off! Meet their soulmate on thread. That's so I'm dyslexic.

So I had a spelling mistake. my second thread, my first thread, no spelling instead. Yeah, you're one for two. Happy days. Please follow all of us on threads and Instagram. Can't see us at live shows. Fucking subscribe to this podcast. Give it a five-star rating and review. If you're watching on YouTube, give it a like.

Subscribe. Comment. Comment. And once you've completed all of those tasks, and I mean all of them, three follows, one for each of us. What about Catherine? She's got the shit. She can't. So, yeah. If you follow Catherine unfollow her,

because that's fucking disgusting right now. And you book tickets to come to each of us, then I will come to yours and give you a rim job. Thank you so much, Sarah Roberts. That's not legally binding. Thank you. Thank you so much to all of you who support us on Patreon. We've got a new executive producer, Catherine.

Don't look sad. I was singing very beautifully. I'm glad about the execs. Go on. Who is it? We've got the classics. We've obviously got the OG execs. We've got Simon Moore's, Guy Goodman, Mary Fox, Annie Tonner, Sarah Harkie Deakin, Oliver Jago. And welcome from producer to exact. Anthony Conway! Welcome to exec level. Please enjoy the lounge.

Oh, look how exciting. And also thank you to all of our producers. We've got Richard Bicknell, L, Richard Bolt, Sadie Cashmore, Zoe, Rachel Page, Helen A, Abby, Warf, Luke, Bride, May Williams, Amy, Victoria Hutchison, Emma Walton, Becky Fox, Tim and Dom, Ria Fink, Cordelia, Amy O'Reardon, Kai Webb, Key Webb, Matt Sims, Emily G, Tristan, Tresden, Tres, Harold Van Dyke, David Walker, Jess and Nick, Rachel R, Neil Redmond, Sarah and Molly, Tina Lindsay, Graham, March, Leah Overend, Liz Fort Clow. Good luck to M having to edit that.