Trusty Hogs - Ep95. DESIREE BURCH / Flat Shares, Festivals & Food Poisoning

Episode Date: July 27, 2023

Catherine returns from her unexplained absence and is back just in time for this week's fabulous guest... DESIREE BURCH! Desiree is the perfect Hogs guest bringing chaos, jokes, personal anecdote, and some top tier problem solving. You may recognise her hilarious voice from the hit Netflix series Too Hot to Handle or from her raft of appearances on pretty much every top UK comedy show: Taskmaster, QI, Mock the Week, Live at the Apollo, etc. etc...FOLLOW DESIREE: @DesTheRayThank you so much for listening!Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Guy Goodman / Simon Moores / Mary Fox / Annie Tonner / Sarah Jarque-Deakin / Oliver Jago / Anthony Conway / Matthew ThomasPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Harald van Dijk / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Sarah & Molly / Raia Fink / Cordelia / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Graham Marsh / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Kie Web / Matt Sims / Luke Bright / Leah / Kate Spencer / Mae Williams / Tristin / Liz Fort / Taz / Klo / Becky Fox / Amie / Emily GeeWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Helen, I met a woman at a wedding. She was like, I'm really into Magnus. Do you want to go find a magnet with me tomorrow? And I was like, oh, I don't actually have time. You can't be as much into Magnus as a woman I do a podcast with. And she was like, oh, really? Because I have a musical fridge and a destination freezer. She's much charming woman you've ever met.

She was so cute. I'm welcome to ask you. Trustee Hoggs. The podcast where we tell you about our gorgeous lives. I'm going to answer some listener problems and we do try most of the time apart from when we're lazy and we phone it in but most of the time we try

we try! My name's Helen Bauer this horse Catherine Bohart. Hi! Let's get going! Through the fog step forth the trusty hogs yeah you're gonna give them your problems

and they will solve them or maybe they won't and that's your problem they'll have guests And Andrew White on the tech Oh, it's Helen and Catherine As the trusty hugs Trust the trusty hogs

Or maybe not So she's got one for musical Yeah One for destination So the musicals are the magnet That she buys at the end of the musical At the gift shop I assume so question mark

Yeah, I assume so She's in an amateur musicals You know what I mean? Dot Yeah, musical group So musicals group Oh my gosh, she sounds like KMT in Manchester

Shoutout or Shout out KMT I guess Yeah yeah We should go to see one of their musicals But yeah That's the deal

So um Oh my God Andrew are you enchanted I'm enchanted Absolutely a dumb Of course we're Oh she's so I was like this is heaven

I have to tell Helen immediately Also as you know I need to apologise for my absence They don't know what happened Because we didn't say Why did we I'm sure you said something disgusting We barely mentioned it

I wouldn't have told the guest You know I'm not going to listen. So this is so unfair. It's so unfair. Catherine lost all the liquid out of her body. I really did. I really. I was so unwell and half the wedding was unwell.

So it wasn't just like Catherine's being dramatic. I was like, oh, fuck this fell. I spent two days on the floor, basically. Like I climbed, I like climbed from my sofa to the floor to the bathroom to the floor. And also Helen. Helen, oh, God, I hate when I confuse you and Ellen. Daddick, my girl. Your lovely girlfriend, Helen Bauer.

Oh, no. Why are your name so similar? You found Ellen after you found Helen. I agree. I agree. So Ellen is in a, my girlfriend is in a musical, in a show in Regents Park, I'm an episode. It's got music.

And I will not bend to this. And she is obviously, she's obviously in a cast of however many people. So she couldn't be there She couldn't be like I'll take care of you She had to be like Whoa you seem sick Peace out bye

And I was like You motherfucker Which is totally fair And correct or whatever But like But she wasn't that I messaged I thought she was with you

Taking care of you No she Are you fucking joking She couldn't be She couldn't give them All food poisoning Orriss if it was a stomach bug That was a bigger issue

To come and get the stomach bug from you Why would you want that For the shits I find it very cleansing I've been over there Oh It's awful

And I pukeed so much And I really haven't done that since I was a kid. I felt like, such a baby. But also as much as I was like, oh, it's kind of savage that you're leaving. On the other hand, I'm like, I'm so glad you didn't witness it. There's something in like... There's an amount of shit and vomit, which just no one needs to be around. And I like that you find me attractive.

Yeah. You know, and I like that I have a little bit of, well, not much dignity, but some dignity here. No, remember that guy who was dating a couple of years ago and I threw up and farted at the same time in front of him. And it was like, that's it then. Like, it doesn't even matter if there was something there. Like, we have to call it because I nakedly did both those things at the same. And you have the ass all end of it, you know? Like, it's over.

It's so done. And so that was, um, if it helps, I did watch bridesmaids at the weekend. I just had it on in the background. Because I just think it's just the best film. It's just such nice watching. It's objectively great, but that's seen is horrific. And I just thought of you the entire time. I was like, my poor Catherine.

It was really bad. It was really bad. Do you know what it was yet, what you ate? No, also there's like this, my mom doesn't listen to this podcast, it's fine, but there's this, like, funny thing of like, I was like, I think I got food poisoning at the wedding. Half the wedding sick, by the way.

Yeah. And my mom's like, no, it wasn't food poisoning. It must have been a stomach bug. In essence, it's very important that it's not, it wasn't their fault. Somebody of, you know, that kind of, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, okay. And then my brother was like, I'm sick too.

And I was like, oh, God. But then, three, days later, my mom was like, how are you, you're all right? And I was like, oh yeah, I'm a bit of Ben and then Peter was like, yeah, me too. And then Peter was like, my brother was like, how are you, mom? And she was like, yeah, I'm feeling better too. And I was like, you were sick, too? Oh, girl, all of your family got struck down with the sheds.

But my mom was like, who knows what it is? And I'm like, oh, come on, come on. But to be fair, I love that I read her. She's so loyal. She's like, our lovely host would never do that. You brought over a bug from the London. That's what you did. Exactly.

You brought I over a bunch from the aisle of shitheads and you brought it over here to our Emerald Isle of Gals. The thing is, right? It's like I also had a great time at the wedding. I had such a good time and it's like, um... What was it? It's family wedding, wasn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, but like a country Irish wedding.

300 guests, five courses of food, followed by an hour and a half break, followed by a pizza, dried chicken, chips, option, half an hour break. She's in... pregnant bride. Crisp, she just came out. No, she wasn't even pregnant. She wasn't even pregnant.

She wasn't even pregnant. She's so dignified. It was really nice. I haven't been to Mass in about nine years. Oh, no, as in a church in nine years. I wasn't even at Mass nine years ago. I was there for my dad's ordination. And this is my first second wedding in church,

but this time it was on a Sunday. So they did full mass. And which in Ireland means that after the wedding, they've said like, when I parents you man and wife, and then there's still another 45 minutes of mass. But my dad was doing the mass. I've not seen him gig before.

And he actually got a lot of laughs. He got a lot of laughs. He got a lot of laughs. But what I forgot about was how much apologising there is. Catholic Mass is like, hey, how are you sorry? Listen, hello, we're so sorry. God, we're awful. We're so sorry.

We're sorry for being us. We're sorry for being imperfect. We're sorry for everything we've probably done or could ever done or would ever do. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Amen. But no, seriously, I'm very sorry. And I'm like, I forgot all this shit.

I mean, I know why they should be sorry. Oh, because the premise is just like, you're a sinner, you're imperfect. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was just like, oh God, I hate this shit so much. But thankfully, there was a kid outside who was like running around. So at about the 45 minute mark of the hour and a half miles, I was like, I went to play with the kid. I went to play with the kids. Well, that's where you got your bug from.

Probably. Kids all have bugs. You were playing with a kid in the dirt outside of church in the graveyard. I took my shoes. You're going to get a bug. It's so funny. I took off my shoes and was running around with her. You took off your shoes and ran around in a graveyard?

She was dancing on the graves. Who is this baby girl? She was dancing on the graves. I was like, I love this kid. She was climbing the statue of my area. I was like, no respect. I love her. So yeah, I had fun.

But, no, the wedding was good and the music was phenomenal. They were all trad musicians, so the music was amazing. Nice. And I just love Irish weddings because, like, the finger food is called a slider. It's a whole burger. You're like, you know, no wonder. The chances for food poisoning were so high because there were 15 food.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're going to get it at some point. Yeah, servings. It was wild. Did you enjoy the rest of food poisoning though? Hello? Nah. You know what?

It did force me to stop for a day and a half. There you go. To two days. There you go. Because you were even hustling on the phone with me the morning of this recording. You were like, I'm so bad.

Maybe if we could just push her back a little bit. I could make it. And, like, I knew you were ill because I was naked on the phone with you. I didn't even notice. And you couldn't even give me what I needed. I couldn't enjoy it. You did a full show. But, like, this is good that you took a break.

And sure, you were on the pot or on the floor. Did you, did you vomit on yourself at any point? I do. I would, no, no, no. I do think that I might be a slight workaholic in that my friend. Whoa. What's happening? I do, I do think I'm a, I'm a,

That's like me saying, like, oh, I do think I do have a problem with talking about my breasts. Like, are you fucking joking? What is that? You are built to work. You're like, you know, like, in ants at the beginning of the film, Ants, when they divide them up into the workers and the soldiers. Like, they'd look at the features of Catherine and be like, work around, work around. And then she'd also train as a soldier because she had a bit of free time. It's mad.

It's actually mad. You tried to implement a rule two weeks ago. that we shouldn't message about work at the weekends within one week. I need that. You were like, blah, blah, blah, blah. I do need that. I agree you need it. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. I'll keep trying. Oh my God. Okay, so this has come up. This has been... The girl who joined the debate team for fun at schools of workaholic. But this has come up because, okay, so you're laughing was rude.

But also my friends were over at the weekend. My very good old friends from university were over. Yes, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And it was gorgeous. have like very high-powered jobs and um at one point one of them said truly the worst thing that anyone's ever said to me as a comedian she went um oh do you ever have you ever logged the hours of the week you work oh no you mustn't ask people that can't start that no correct i was like

why the hell would you say that to my face no because then we'll work at how much we actually get paid per hour and i don't want to know because i think it'll be very sad but also then i'll realize I was like, yeah, I worked like eight to, within the hours of eight to 11 a lot of the time. Like, but what am I doing? That's the other question. It's like, what am I even doing? Does this count? Does this count?

It's like that thing. Who was it you that told me? Like some like musician said, like they don't pay me to perform. They pay me to travel. No, I didn't know that. Okay, someone told me that. And I was like, that resonates with me. Because like, I enjoy every second of being on stage.

Yeah. But it's the like having to run somewhere, runs back, like the traveling. around like doing this is great but it's then the coming into the studio and then they're waiting around for three hours after we finish this for the gig to start tonight. Oh no I think of my time with you as work but I what I'm saying is yeah yeah yeah yeah I'm going. I'm going. Do you not view this as work Helen? No I view as banter. I'm but we should readjust the page on yes I think I think us like booking guests and texting people that's work that feels like work and then sharing the episode when it comes out

that's work, but actually sitting here and having a coffee. You're right, you're right. It's lovely. It's lovely. We have a dream job and that's the thing is I think we're so... Sike! I see it as work. Give me all your money. But yeah, she said this to me and I was like, gosh, maybe I'm a bit of a workaholic. And then I was saying to Ellen that I can't wait to retire and she was like,

you will never retire. What are you talking to me? You'll be 85. And I was like, I don't want to be 85 treading the board and she'll be like, she does a horrible Irish accent, but she was like, to have offered me a corporate I just have to go to town one more time. But you know what I think you're going to end up being? I swear I've told you this before. You're going to be the Jonah Melissa Rivers show.

You're going to have one daughter. You're going to reality TV the fuck out of her. And then both of you are going to go on fashion police being absolute cunt. With realistically Kelly Osbourne's yet to be born child. I can't wait to be cancelled with my daughter on fashion police. But that's what it's going to be. That is your career trajectory. You've been building towards fashion police on MTV since you started.

But you're missing my brain. which is I at least recognize I work a baby too much. Honey, you recognize that once every six months. I can't change it. And the worst part is I'm like, this is the thing I criticize my dad for. I'm like, you gotta relax. But I don't know how to relax.

Also, so much harder because we're self-employed. Yeah, it is. You could constantly be doing something. You never know when the last job is. But also, like, I don't get it. So, like, you sit there and you don't do anything. Also, no, it's, you need to talk to people about relaxing who are self-employed.

I think talking to people who have like a per annum job is so different than what we do. So like I've got a lot of out of town gigs at the moment, but a lot of like late journeys back, like last, which I love, I'd rather come back on the night. Speaking of this weekend, I'm going to Brighton Friday, Saturday and then there's a train strike, back really late and then off to the last shoot on Sunday. Here, lads, can I just say, I don't want to go to last shoot.

I'm going, obviously. But little Helen is the left. I know, and I'm driving you there and I'm driving you back, and I've agreed to it only because we got offered trusty hogs, but like I would never have agreed to latitude. I think, I'm so grateful for the job. By the way, we're recording this a week before, like a week of latitude.

So thank you so much for coming. Thank you for coming. Thank you for coming. Thank you for coming. Thank you. Oh, two girls are coming who I used to work with. And thank you. Hi, Ella and Nikita.

But I don't have anything in common with people who go to festivals for fun. Yeah. I don't want you to bring your muddy shoes in my car. No, I know that. I don't want to drive there. It seems scary. I'm bringing spare shoes. I'm going to be good.

I don't, we can stop at a drive-thru though. I would like to stop at a drive-thru. I haven't done a drive-thru McDonald's yet and that would be fun but I don't like get it I don't why are people why do people do that but we can we've got the

we're both doing the comedy arena with you cabaret tent Andrew where are you performing? I'm at the outpost and then we're in the listening post for the podcast yeah but the outposts to be fair I'm excited for the arena as well

so we've got like a like as a backstage area you can you actually could I think I don't want to go to latitude because that's true but I feel like I shouldn't say it about my list and leave it in. I am excited to go. I just,

it's just not where. I don't like festivals, but I'm going for you guys and I'm excited. And by you guys, I mean you too. But I think like I'm not going to leave your side. It's going to be quite frankly a lot. I'm, you know that I'm not a festival girlie either.

Like I am not. Like everyone thinks I would be. But like I'm really not. Yeah. We get, when you're doing the comedy arena, right? Yeah. You've done it before, right?

No. Okay. If you do the arena, you get given a cabin. like a wooden cabin of your own with electricity. There's picnic tables just for you and the comedians outside it. Okay. All the drinks you want.

So we can just have Diet Cokes and we can just sit down and we can relax in our own wooden cabins. Okay, fine. That sounds like. And I'm not going to leave you. If I'm going to go somewhere, I'm going to come tell you there are backstage ones. They're not flawless. But I'm going to bring so much anti-back and wipes. And you are going to feel as good as I can make you feel.

Okay, I love you. Okay. I'll be fine. I really will be fine. I can't wait. And Andrew's going to be there. He's always clean. And I've never gone with a car before. I've never been able to be like, right, we're leaving. Oh my God, I remember something. In my dream last night, I was in a portaloo that was being taken apart. How mad is that? That's so crazy. And I was like, and it was being like dismantled. It wasn't like hard shell. It was like tarpaulin.

I had a Benadryl before I had a Benadryl. before I went to bed because I was worried I wasn't going to be very tired because I did a preview yesterday but in London how to go how to go

and average your best I'd call it a draw with the audience and thank you to everyone who was at two northdown we do love our job I want to be clear we love our jobs

I no but Catherine I was in a portaloo and someone was taking the tarpaulin down and I was like oh not yet no

and I know where it was it was in this building right by where I live I'm going to ask a hell and better Question number one or number two? I don't know. Goodness.

Was they even going? Did you wake up weeing? Is the end of this that you woke up weeing? You know it's a classic Portaloo fap? What is a fath? Oh, you know what a fap is. In a Portia loo. I facked in a toilet before.

Yeah. At an airport. Where? Like, hang on, in a cubicle. Yeah. A cubicle where people can hear you. No, it was a cubicle that was like ceiling to floor. Like I was like, I was picking a dignified fap.

That's fine. My question was not where you were fapping, but where has your obsession with the word fap come about from? Yeah. Because it's only arisen in the last week or so. Has it really? Yeah. I don't know.

Fap. Because it's very sort of like 2013 online. Is this? I never heard it. Maybe it's in like a film. Oh, I watched Black Hawk down the other day. Maybe it's in that. I doubt it.

I doubt it. I doubt it. You're the best thing about Black Hawk down. What? Phil Dunphy for modern families in it. Is he? Well, literally for like five seconds. I love Phil so much.

Me and Sunilie were watching Black Hawk Down. I don't know why. Who are you in modern family? Who am I? I know who I am. I mean, I know who you are. You're Claire. You're Mitchell.

I'm obviously Claire. Or Mitchell. Either way, it's not good. Which one am I? I think I'm Claire. I think I'm Claire. I think Ellen is Phil, so that works out. That makes sense.

She's such a Phil. Claire and Phil. I'm constantly trying to show me magic tricks. I don't know. I guess I'd be Gloria. Yeah, you think? I guess I'd be Gloria. You're not Gloria, you're Manny.

No, I guess I'd be Gloria. You're Manny. Andrew's Manny. I was a Manny child, but I think I'm now a mix of Cammer Mitchell. I think you're a Cammin, you're a Manny. I think I'm there, Mum. No.

Like Dede, who just swelons it every now and again. No. I'm Manny. I think your mum's Dedy. Yeah, my mom is 100% Dedy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You might be like... To the point where I'm not letting my mum watch modern family

because I cannot deal with her turning her body into a tree at some point. That's reasonable. That is reasonable. That's so reasonable. I cannot handle the pressure of that happening. I really do get it. Who are you? Maybe... Yeah, maybe I am, Manny. Maybe I just haven't realised it. Am I definitely not Alex? I can see why you say there.

I was an Alex kid for sure. I was Alex as a kid for sure, but I am Claire. God damn it. You're Claire. You've got too much of the motherlies. sort of like. And I have too much rage, I think. No, I think I'm Gloria. I'm sorry. I do think I'm Gloria. Something to consider. I have that way about me. I don't know about that. I think I do.

I don't, what way? Yeah. What way are we saying? What way is that gorgeous sort of like effortless, just like brilliance, I guess. Yeah, maybe. I'm not madly. We cannot do this to me. Manning with his tiny coffee in the morning. He's so annoying. He's so annoying. You're not annoying, Andrew. Thank you.

Mani is so annoying. Are you a cam? Maybe you're a cam. You have a cam about you. I do like to sing. You do, and you love drama. Maybe it's Mitch and Cam is who you guys are. And I'm player.

We do love each other. We do, yes. And it makes sense you've fallen in love with a gay man. Yeah, that checks out. That checks out. Either way, Phil Dunfee's and Black Hawk Down. Sorry, yeah, I forgot that. I forgot that we got here.

You know what happened in Somalia in the early 90s? Oh, Michael, we cannot make this hammering turn. I can't with this. Awful. I can't. No, but honestly, it was... Neil had to stop it in Google if it actually happened. If you learned it from Black Hawk down, you didn't learn it, right?

No, why will I learn enough? Okay, all right. Tell you this, they had an horrible time of it. Awful, awful war. We just do a bit of decompression from that whiplash. It was... Not a whiplash, it's Black Hawk Down. It's a film joke.

Come on. Someone's got a high five little Helen. Yay! Best friends. Fapping in an airport toilet. Black Hawk Down, modern family. Well, modern, that was sort of before.

But yeah, yeah. Somalia. That's what we did within the space of... In the 90s. I'm sure it's better now. Why are you acting surprised? I was just impressive. And the real shock is that I'm a workaholic. Now, Helen.

Whereas I'm watching Black Hawk down at my downtime. But genuinely... Also, a Black Hawk is in a helicopter. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we get it. We know. Just in case anyone didn't know. It's about a helicopter that crashes. Well, there's a bit more than that.

It's brilliant. Definitely watch it. So what's killing? What happened in Somali in the 90s? Oh, war. Catherine, war. There was this guy, his name begins with they.

And he was just like on, like literally just on one. And he was trying to like get all this power. And the Americans, I don't know why they got involved. But they've got so many guns. They might as well use it. They probably got the infrastructure.

So they go. go over and they're just trying to get rid of him but like they're supposed to do this operation that last 30 minutes but the film's over two hours yeah gosh and um so what did you learn oh just war bad bad bad bad right right don't do that nothing hey here's what i've been doing like what actually just happened you know how i'm i'm doing another quiz show soon and i can't mention what the name is but i don't want to be embarrassed like i was on house of games i think you're going to be really good at it i think i'm going to be dog shit but i'm going to this time i'm actually trying also pretty sure you've already mentioned us

on the podcast, but I love to win out about dropping. Thank you. Okay. And so what I'm trying to do is like learn about the world, but in ways that I find like, you know, more like manageable. So like listening to podcasts, listening to the news, listening to news agents loads. And I have been listening to the news like properly now. You should not listen to the news for like four weeks. And let me say, I'm feeling very overwhelmed.

I think we might live in a failed state. Yeah. Yeah? We do. that's just I think honestly we I think we all knew that right okay I'm finding a very overwhelming also

wait define failed state like what you just realized we might not be able to afford water soon nobody could afford to live well we're on an island so that's lull we'll be fine weirdly we've managed to fuck that up even which is insane

wait is that my dad's fault no no no no no it's about it's actually Canadian investors slash the British government's fault for... The Canadians? Well, the British government privatised water

which is like privatising air and then some Canadians bought it, borrowed loads of money on its name, took that money and then sold it.

If anyone is struggling for water, Blue Peter did this years ago when I was little, you get two plastic bottles and you sellotate them together at the nozzle like that

and you piss in one of them you leave it out in the sun and the piss rises creates condensation which then goes into the other bottle and then when that turns into water, it's been filtered, and you drink that.

And Blue Peter used the word piss. Probably urine. Probably urine. I don't want any part of that, and this hasn't really healed better. It might have been bare grills. It might not have been Blue Peter. This has not, yeah. On second thoughts.

That makes a lot more sense. I was like, and this is a kid's show? Wait, Blue Peter's the... We didn't have Blue Peter in Ireland, but I can't even... I can't imagine Connie Hook being like... I did watch the Connie Hook, yes. She was great. I don't, I wasn't raised on Blue Peter

but I once took my friend Georgie to like a celebrity party and Connie Hook was there and Georgie lost her god damn mind. Holy shit. It's very sweet to watch whereas I was like, who? No, she's a legend. She might have done the piss on the bottle.

I don't think it was Blue Peter. I don't think it was either. I don't think so. I can't have been... Tell you what I do with news though. Just watch news round because it's general news but for kids. So it is sort of like...

Gently, gently. Gently, gently done. They did a special on the Ukraine War, which has won loads of awards, news round. It's amazing. It sort of follows the stories of children. I listen to Ukraine cast. That's good.

It's all just very... And like I was listening to the situation with the morality police are back in Iran now. Yeah. It's all just very intense. Yeah. Guys, I... I want there to be

and possibly would like to make slash... Is there any commissioners listening? I'd like to host the good news channel Catherine Wouldn't that be so nice But not like word of the Lord

Just like you and me being like A woman Like saved a baby from a duck That has to exist Or There is a thing called good news network Yeah Oh yes

I can't remember who's set out But I think a famous YouTuber No but I wanted to be like Me telling Helen and Helen being delighted We can do that on this podcast What happened with the duck? Should we put Should we bring back parish announcements

And make a good news? Oh Oh, damn it! I thought we forgot about that. Parish announcement. I think it's going to be tricky for us to pivot into good news when I'm still learning about, like, the 90s. Right. Well, good news.

Huge increase in women in Parliament in the 90s. Ugh. Good news was some, not for me. Started to develop AIDS treatment in the 90s. Oh, that's good, isn't it? Was that Diana, wasn't it? She went and shook the hand. Yes, Diana personally.

Yes, she's... My babe! You know, Margaret Thatcher invented the Mr. Whippy, the ice cream. No, she didn't. She did. She was a scientist before she was the prime minister. Uh-uh, she lived above a shop. No, she honestly, I thought she was a greengrocer.

Margaret Thatcher worked on Mr. Whippy. I mean, let's not celebrate her too much. Andrew, you're bad at good news. Yeah, this is really, this is really confusing and I don't like it. I don't want her anywhere close to my Whippy. Yeah, get her out of my good news section. If anyone who's listening in the UK, a Mr. Whippy is an ice cream. Yeah.

Why can't it be a Mrs. Whippy? Oh, because she invented it. She hates strident women. Does she? Yeah, she's famous. Don't look in the mirror, Margaret. Oh, she's dead. Yeah.

Yeah. Hey, there's some good news that we got there in the end. Yay. Oh, and so is the man that was doing that stuff in Somalia. Let's not make the good news section just people. The death of bad leaders. Queen Elizabeth the second. Is Jeline Maxwell?

Is she still alive? Oh, motherfucker! Shoot in next week to find out if she does, how mad would that be. Should we have a guess? We'll have a guest. We'll have a guess on that, on that. Oh, that's such a good guess.

It is a really lovely guess. It's such a good guy. Welcome to the Dusty Hogg Studio. Desiree Birch! What's up, Hogs? It's Helen Bauer here. Just to let you know, I am going on tour this year. It's starting in Edinburgh.

I'll be there from the 14th to the 27th, and then I'm hitting up Europe. I'm hitting up Paris, Halim, Copenhagen, the places you've been begging for me to go. And then all around the UK, apart from Wales, for some reason I don't have a Welsh date yet. So please, if you're in Wales and you have a venue, just let me know and I'll just come there.

We'll have a bit of fun. All the tickets are available on my website. website and I'd love to see you there and please bring Helen Gifties. Thank you so much. Goodbye. Welcome Desiree Byr! I remember the first time I learnt that is a film called Jersey Girl with Ben Affleck and Jalo and he's like his wife dies right at the beginning of the film. We're not starting the chat with Desiree about how to wipe a baby. They're wiping babies bomb. I mean, it's great because I love talking about that because I am never going to have to do it. Yes.

It's so nice when you've made the decision and you're like, oh, this is a thing that you, somebody else has to deal with, that's not me, great. Yes, but we have to know. I need to knock on wood. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God, yeah.

Q surprise pregnancy. Yeah, I'm sorry. Never, literally never say never, because that's the next damn thing you're about to do. Yeah, so true. Yeah. So it's like, I'm so glad I'm, I've decided not to do this. Okay, how about that?

two weeks later pregnant. Seriously. Like, you know, with quadruplets. I mean, because the older you get, the more you just, like, release eggs. Wait, does that more likely to have multiple birth?

Yeah, the older you get, because your body's just like, come on, just go. And so, like, you'll just release two eggs on a period or whatever. And then it's like, like, I just met a friend of my boyfriends. They have triplets.

They went from no kids to three kids. Because they're in there. No, they just were like, you know, in their late 30s and they were like, okay, let's try. And then it would just, just like, and she's just like, she came over to the brunch and she's just like, I'm so I'm just so, and they're just like, okay.

She's just a freaking machine for. Yeah, and they don't even know if they're identical. There's one girl and two boys, but like they are different stages where either it was separate eggs or the egg and split, like they won't know until the kids are like three. They're like, oh, they look really the same. I guess they're identical. If God wants to have triplets, we have three tits. Yeah, that's how I think about it.

Yeah, that's pretty much. I have to assume that if you have like identical triplets or twins, you name them but then you like... No, they mark them with Sharpies. What are you talking about? In the hospital?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then the parents like continually mark them because like, you know I love my big family shows there's one in America at the moment called Outdaughted they've got five daughters

who are the quints, they're quintuplets and they mark them. I love big family shows. Do you want a big family? I don't know. I think it's a fascination. terrible and fascination of like,

this is a cautionary tale. What if you have five years? I used to want a Von Trapp situation. Like a singing group that would all like love on me. I will say, I don't, I think like efficiency wise, sorry to be that guy,

if you're gonna have five children, all in one go kind of feels like, it would be hell, but like the back to backness that like endless six years old. One birthday party a year. Of that shit, that's awful.

The worst possible case scenario, I have friends who got like married in their 30s, have kids, they had like two that were like, I think they had two, maybe one or two. I mean, we're not that close friends. But like, you know, the kids were definitely like 14, like 12, 13, 14 in the pandemic

got pregnant. No. And we're like, literally like eight months like, I think we made a mistake. Because like, yeah, you were almost free, dummy. And now you just restarted the clock. Why would you do that? You were so close to the end game. Yeah. You can't just be like, oh, well,

you know, we're probably not going to get pregnant now. you're going to get double pregnant, like, the later... I'm telling you, it's about forward planning with babies because, like, I keep saying to my friends... Hot take. But my friend... Fuck you, fuck you. Hot take.

You should plan. You must. You must. I know this is going to be controversial with some people, but maybe think about it before. But it's not even when, like, how will you have them? It's like, I want to have a baby if all my friends are having babies at the same time.

So we don't have to go through that one, like, oh, God, they're going to bring their baby. We can drink around the baby. I need it's not, like, wedding planning. Let's all quit smoking for three years. By the time they're four, they can run away from the smoke because they don't like it.

Like, I don't want to wait that long. So it's like... I really can't. I do think there's something in doing it when your friends do it. Yes, come in it.

It's such a fucking buzzkill. Sure. Yeah, yeah. Like, I don't want to hang out with your baby if I don't have a baby. But if I have a baby, I want everyone... Then the babies can hang out with each other.

They have to hang out with me because otherwise... But someone's got to be the first. Someone's got to be the one that's out there with the older kid. We all have that we'll have that started way too well. Yeah, you're like, oh, you're not. To the point where they've just got into MDMA now, at the same time their kid has, so they're dropping together.

I'm at the age where all of my friends are getting divorced and have no fucking idea what they're doing whatsoever, because they never had a 20s. They like, you know, or they met that person in college, whatever it is. They got together, like, I have a friend, they have a kid, you know, kid, what not. But, like, I have a different friend.

She has two kids. She had breast cancer, had to do the whole double mastectomy, everything, you know, then, you know, got a boot, whatever, all the other stuff. but, like, her whole life was, like, marriage, two kids, surviving cancer. And now she's, like, in her 40s, and she's like, we're breaking up. I want to live. What do I do?

And I'm like, girl, you do not want to be out here on these streets or on this app. It is, it is literally the jungle. Like, don't put yourself through this. She could be friends of my mom. My mom's doing a whole sort of like, maybe let's set them up because, like, yeah, she really was like, are we going to go to the club? And it's like, we had a bachelor party for my friend who was getting married at 44, right? She was like, are we going to do, like, going out to the club?

It's like, we're going to go for dinner, and we're going to go home. What are you talking about? The club. We don't even know where the club is. How would we get into the club? What do you talk? Can we wear comfortable shoes at the club? No, we're not going.

Thank you. I saw some girls in Manchester. It was pouring rain at the weekend. I was gigging in Manchester, and they were tottering around in their salettos. And I was like, you are in so much pain. Yes. And also, you're going down a wet, cobblestone street right now.

How do you not all stack it, lose your teeth, and then go bloody into the club? They do. I remember my friend losing her teeth on a night out. It was awful. And then the whole party thought that I punched her in the face. Which, I don't know, kind of good credit. I didn't touch her.

I did not touch her. But if I would have touched her, I would have knocked her hand. Ouch. Jasbury, now married and pregnant. We left a house party. She needed a piss. And I was like, the street's fine. We've already said our goodbye.

and as she was standing up from her piss she forgot to balance herself and put her hands out and landed on the curb American History X style and just lost her teeth and I was like we've got to go back to the party now three and then I was outside of the party trying to call a taxi to take us to the hospital

and then everyone was like did you hear that Helen beat the fuck out of jazz it's like why would I do that why would you do this because you're disgusted about her public urination you were like come on you're way more likely to be anything I'm so supportive of public urination and also if anything so deletive

us of anyone getting a cut or any sort of. You'd have loved, you'd have preferred that you'd love to have lost my teeth and have all the guys trying to take care of me. You'd like a fight club sort of. No, she loves to be taken care of. I have a victim complex. Like, I wanted to be a fainter when I was younger for the attention. What's your best story of like having something happened to you and having like the best

caretaken of you? Like, did you roll an ankle and just have people like, you know, campers? No, last time I rolled an ankle. It was like two steps outside of my house. I hobbled back in and cried in pain. I called my agent. I was supposed to be doing Soho theater that evening. We had to pull it.

And so Neil Patel, my housemate was in. And I went, I need to go to the hospital. It hurts so bad. It hurts so bad. And he went, I've got a kebab coming. We've got to wait. And then I was screaming in pain while his deliveroo came. And he ate a cab whilst watching we rive.

And then took me to A&E. Like, was he driving you? Or he was just a company? No, we got an Uber. Because then why didn't you just go to A&E and be like, screw you? Because I was on the phone with 1-1-1. Okay. And then they went, you need to go in,

we'll give you an appointment. Right, okay. And that doesn't exist. We got there and they were like, no, no, tomorrow morning for injuries. Then I had to go back the next morning. What the fuck. And you didn't even get a kebab amidst all of this?

No, he wouldn't even let me have a bite. And I wasn't so much pain. If you're that pain, in that much pain, you won't be hungry. And it's like, pain makes me hungry. Of course. Honestly, life makes me hungry. Pain does not make me hungry. Look, anything that can be soothed, can be soothed with food.

Oh my God, that's such a good point. I'll be that woman in hospital giving birth for the dominoise pizza. I want to put that on an apron. Yeah, I'm honest, okay, merch. Put it on an apron. But it's true. Like, I mean, even if you're not hungry, it'll still, like, you know, that image of someone going like,

is so classic, right? Yeah, that's so true, baby on the nipple. Yeah, and then you're like, mm-mm-mm. And it's like somehow better, even though it's still shit. I had an average preview last night. I got a bounty ice cream on the way home. Yum, from where? Just the corner shop.

corner shop one. Did they do a panties? Yeah. Like the Snickers and Mars? Yeah. Where have you been? So it's coconut ice cream? Yes, coconut ice cream surrounded by chocolate.

Oh. It's delightful. Right. Okay, I'm going to take you guys to Tesco right after that. Should we just go to Tesla? Yeah. Hey, Andrew, could you do a quick run? That's the big one.

Which ice cream is? Or do a podcast and then we'll go? Yeah, that'd be. Oh, no. Well, ice cream do you go when you go shopping? Snickers. Snickers. Snickers is okay.

I love Snickers. I get the vegan magnums because I'm lactose intolerant. Those are actually not bad at all. They're not bad at all. Do you know what's pretty good is the vegan Cornetto? Oh, they make one? Oh, I've never seen it.

Also pretty good. Also pretty good. Because there's so few non-dairy ice creams and literally the other night. Gelato shops are your friend. What's that? Gelato shops are your friend.

Oh, yeah? They do a lot of vegan options. Snouse like, oh, they're going to very much, thank you. Because yeah, I did one of those like, oh, get an Uber Eats to go to the co-op or whatever and bring groceries and I was like, oh, they have the non-dairy

Ben and Jerry's perfect. I'll get one. and I'll get one for Stelios who can have all the ice cream in the world. And they bring two normal ice creams. I was like, can I leave you a negative five-star review? Because right now I'm watching someone enjoy ice cream. What the I'm not? Because they just were like, oh, here's regular ice cream.

I'm like, some of them is going to have it. I specifically ordered that. You specifically ordered it. And also it's like the only good alternative. Yes. Like vegan ice cream, okay, but like vegan cheese is still. It's dumb. It's dumb.

I mean, there are some, you have to order a bespoke one. Yeah, you have to go to the foamage. Yes. And when I did, you do this. that. Even still, 60% of their cheeses are pretty palable. You know what's good is the Cheezzy one? The Newcastle-on-Tine one is

they have like C-H-E-A-S-E. Oh, okay. All right. And they're pretty good. And apparently the foam azure is all right. It's like a shop that just sells fully vegan cheese. I'm not vegan. No, you're German and European and you can process dairy like it's your job. Thank you so much. Yes. You are just like I'm churning it inside

of me and I only poop butter. Like it's beautiful. But like for those. Were you in the... No. That's fine. Me moving in with my like sour dough baguette, like, eh. And being like, honestly, it's a really great setup. If no one knows, no one complains.

I hate you both and I hate this conversation, no. I'm so sorry. I don't enjoy this. I'm sorry. Okay. So do they do vegan ice creams in, like, gelato shops properly? Because I remember, like, back in the... One of my best friends when I was younger was lactose intolerance.

We used to have Swedish glaze ice cream at hers, which was the... Swedish glasses. made from bananas. Is that what it... Oh, we both... It's fine. It's fine. It's actually not...

Of the ones you can just buy in the shop, it's fine. I thought it was always sorbet. I mean, but it's the texture... Yeah, it's just like a banana sorbet, right? You can get other ones that are, like, slightly creamier, so yeah. Yeah, and I feel like anything that's got a nut flavor, if you can have nuts, like, it's easily turned into ice cream. Why not? Like, anytime I see a normal pistachio or ice cream, I'm like, why can't you just make a not dairy one?

That could just be... What was the one that I had from Snowflake with you guys the other day? I had pistachio and Ferrera Roche. I think you had kind of Bueno Did I have Kind of Bueno maybe? That I would also go for a kind of Buenae. Yeah, this is so good. There's a place called Ellies

where my brother lives in Mead and they make a sauce that they cover the whole cup in before they even put your stuff in and then pour the sauce over but it is a Ferreira Roche sauce. They have melted down Ferreira Roche and they've melted down Nutella. Stop. And they've made it into a hot heroin

and they put that in the cup and then they cover everything in it. and I dream of it frequently. To bring it back to what you said, you can't taste in your dreams? I can. I could smell in my dream last night.

I got trapped in a portaloo they were taking apart. Oh, I can't with you. I can't with you. Desiree Birch, we usually answer listener problems. Please. Now, here's my question. Am I, because there's a trope that you've discussed in your show before, I think in a theatre show I saw it years ago in vaults. of the old sage, wise black woman.

Yes. So I'm already nervous to ask you to solve people's problems. I mean, I show up, I fix it, I leave. No problem. Don't need to know where I've come from or gone to. No other needs of your own, no other desires. But my question is, what kind of advice giver are you? I mean, I don't know.

I get all, like, sort of grounded in spiritual and quite real. And I usually tell people the shit they don't want to hear. Especially if they're not in the room. If they are in the room, I kind of just listen and I'm like, Like, sounds like a bad situation. You should probably get out of it, but live your life. You're doing radical honesty therapy. I mean, only for others.

Yeah. Okay, not doing radical honesty. No, no, no. But you genuinely believe. I'm cutting you off for at least five years. But you believe you could help you can solve people's problems. I mean, I believe that I have pretty decent insight. Me too.

I believe that too. You know, just like where that's coming from and what you should probably do. Okay. Which is usually like, you know, gongat up and be honest about it. And, you know, go upfront. single and I've never had a relationship. That was me for most of my life until

about 35 and even when I moved here that was like a semi-relationship. Like I'm in my 40s having the first time where I'm like, oh, I'm actually in a reciprocal in love relationship with someone. Yeah, because I never get the reciprocal love. Like it's always like either I'm in love and they think I'm disgusting or they're in love with me

and I think they're gross. Yes, I did that quite a bit too. Are you attracted to narcissists? I don't know. I haven't really dealt I mean, like, if you, yeah, just like, are you attracted to guys who are like, oh, I'm Artie and I'm cool. Like, what'd you do? Yeah, I do like it when they're.

Guys who are super self-focused and you're like, but I love you and you love you, but will you love me? And they're just like, no, I'm just going to keep loving me. I like it if they, like, have a job they're really passionate about. That's good. But I think I like that. They think she's disgusting. Yeah, that's the thing.

And I think that I did quite a lot of that dating because I was trying to, for me, as a gold star life long fatty, I was trying to get like that. Gold Star Faddy. That's got to be more of a day. It's hard to be lifelong because there's a lot of new fatties and they're just sort of joining in.

Yes, I know. Just showing up. Yeah, okay, you had a baby and it's day. Yeah, and you're like, own body posse, you're like, get out of my face with that. You don't even know. Like, we've been here for the struggle. So I think...

Oh, I've got something I should tell you after this, yeah. I think that I was constantly looking for a trophy boyfriend. I was looking for the ideal of what I saw on TV and I saw other people having and I thought I was supposed to want. I also didn't necessarily have a

great relationship with my father. I mean, it's not, it's just, you know, that plays into if you date men, what you're looking for. Yeah, I'm not, I'm not looking for Michael, that just be very clear. No, I spent a whole bunch of time looking for someone who was not like my dad and find people who are covertly

like my dad. Yeah. And that's still a reaction to your dad, right? Even to be like not you is still limiting my parameters based on you. Yeah, it's still a reaction. I don't want to date a man that lives in a one-bedroom rental in Brighton with no curtains and Yeah, but sewage.

How sometimes have you dated somebody who has basically the equivalent of that in, like, Hackney? Okay, yeah. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. But wait. With the bed against the wolves,

I have to climb over them to go to the toilet in the middle of the night? Yeah. But wait, what is this? I'm interested in this idea of, like, looking for a trophy boyfriend to what end, to make you feel?

To make me feel like I belong, to make me feel like I'm sexual too. I'm a girl, too. I can find somebody who makes me look like I belong in the world of people who are allowed to have relationships, which comes from a deeply low sense of self-esteem that I definitely maintain throughout the majority of my life. And I'm only starting to dig my way out of enough

to be like, you're amazing. There's no reason for you to feel this bad about yourself, but also the places that that comes from like came before I even showed up in my family. I was just going to say, by the way, I was also just going to say, like, if there exists a person who has my, managed not to internalize fat phobia.

Like, how could, how could you not as a woman in the world, as a person in the world, in the structures that we exist in, and then add on to that the racism inherent in fat phobia? Yes. Like, how could you not, like, it's easy to be like, not easy, but like, I think it's very, like, responsibility taking to be like, that was low self-esteem in a way, because then it's like, that works all at your door, but the structures are full. They're there. Yeah, it's like, it is not my fault.

But I am the only one who is ever going to deal with the fact that like, for, like, several different points of view, I am seen as the worst thing, like a cautionary tale. Don't be fat and certainly don't be black and fat. And female, fuck. You know what I mean? Don't be those things. And it's like, but some of us got to be. So, and we also still deserve love.

And I mean, all of my 20s were just like a fuck fiesta of trying to prove otherwise to myself. And then after you go through a bunch of people, you're like, Yeah, I'm clearly fuckable, but that doesn't mean that I feel that much different about myself. So clearly the answer isn't inside of all of these nuts. I knew I had to work on my self-esteem. But I mean, the thing is like... It's so annoying when you remember it, isn't it?

I'm constantly being like, oh, for God, I'm just like... There's also like the finances of having to work on myself as though. Of course, yes. Yeah, I mean, yeah. But, like, literally, meditation is free. You know, listen to a podcast and doing affirmations is free. And also, like, real... Does this exist anywhere else?

in your family structure because when I go back and look at my family I'm like, we all have shit self-esteem and there are really like structural reasons and also just like historical reasons why like everybody was like a sad sack and then found another sad sack and then created children that they never talk to

or engaged with and they're more sad sacks and I mean I'm painting with a broad brush like there's definitely nuance in there. You're talking about it. You look like so deeply sad and I'm so sorry. No, but we in hate it. I wanted you to tell me that he was just around the corner.

The thing is he is but you have to give up on him entirely. You have to give up on the idea of him in a way and just be like, I'm going to set up my life the way that I want it without him because one thing Dick loves is interrupting plans. Right? If you have plans to do other things where you're like, I'm going to be single, I'm going to go here. I'm going to do this. Dick is like, oh, can I get in here and fuck up your whole? Yes. Dick loves that. So if you want to manifest dick, build a world where no dick can be inside of and Dick really wants to get in there. I mean, just that's the fast track. But in the meantime, you know, self-esteem, personal girl.

I'm having the greatest time of my life. This is such good advice. It's such good advice. And also, like... I feel like I'm at church. Me too. So do I? Amen.

Amen. I can't stop clapping. I was like, amen. The antenna's on all the... Lord, the light of your love is shining in the music. Oh my God. I went to a church of England wedding once, which I'm sure. I'm so, I'm sorry.

No, that's great! I have to sing my own fucking songs. I would imagine even Catholic churches have some allegiance to rhythm or melody but like a church of England every time you think naturally, musically, we're gonna zig. They're like, no, we're gonna zag over here

and carry it out three fucking like seconds longer than it needs to be. Doesn't fit at any meter whatsoever. That is what a choir is for. Seriously. You can't do it. There's people for that. Yeah, and seriously,

nobody here knows the words. Do you know what I mean? That's why we got himbooking. Yeah, like find five people. surely each of them one of them has a couple of black friends get them and hear to sing

so we can all have a good time and move on with this way or Catholics at least have catchy tunes and they are not afraid of an instrument I don't know why Protestants hate instruments so much just put a backing sentence

because it glorifies the devil yeah of course exactly a backing track will cover a multitude of sins we'll do with our keyboard that used to be an organ but then got stolen yes they don't even do that

modern American thing where like some nice little guy in a suit comes out with a guitar you know I mean There's like, it's there, it's like, there's the churches with, like, it's a big crier and tambourines, or there's the churches where it's like a guy who just comes out. Fine. And they're like, even that, it's like, at least he wrote a song on purpose.

Yeah. About Jesus. And it wasn't just like a collection of verses. Shine Jesus. Andrew just took out of his headphones, which I assume the listeners also will have done. But it's okay, Jesus. You can shine. It's so bad.

And he will. And he will. But this is cool. Praise God. I feel like we don't hear enough people being like, I had my first meaningful relationship, like, reciprocal adult relationship that I was looking for at 40. And then also that's because I did some work on my self-esteem

and also built a life that functions for me. Because I really think we are hell-bent. And people do it to you all the time and it fucks me off. Hell-bent on telling women that the reason that they don't have that relationship is because they become too independent. I mean, you just don't have love. You don't have a space for love and you're like, it's like, fuck all. Yeah, seriously.

I watched Black Hawk down for fun the other day. I've got space. Yeah. Like, there's time. There's time. Yes, I would gladly put that down if they're, yeah. But also, there are, okay, so I will say this. I was lucky in that a global pandemic happened.

And for me, I did have the time only because I, every other time. Like, I knew when I was with, I was just like, If this had been any other time, I would have been so busy working every night and you're in Normie with a 9 to 5 job, I just wouldn't have, because I am so ambitious, like I would, you know,

it's, you do need to have space to waste with a relationship. And that doesn't mean that you can't have your career, like you're going to have that career, but you are also going to need to find a guy who respects the fact that you have that career. I know, but in lockdown I got Pokemon Go. And you were like, well, now you date in Pikachu.

I know, I've got one. I'm a legacy player, level 47, clean to be 48. Like, it's not been a waste of time. It's not been a waste of time. But still, what the odds of chance of that happening again? I'm not saying you need to give up your hobbies. When that person comes, you're going to find the space for them, and they're going to be seeking out that space.

But also, the person is going to look different than the people you're looking at. I guarantee it. Really? Yes. Yeah. I just think that I spent a lot of time going like, oh, I don't want a guy. shorter than me or I don't want a guy who's you know like looks like this or I don't want to whatever but I like I want this thing and it was like I just wanted an idea I wanted a concept

I wanted to attain something I didn't necessarily want the people who wanted me um which you know I'm a tall person always a shorter guy um I think we've talked about this off state before but it's like I mean it's like an inch shorter I know but like it's not so much I don't give a fuck how tall you are yes but I hate that it's a problem for you yeah I hate that the guy that guy Not your guy. It's not your guy. My guy, he doesn't care. He's just like, I'm obsessed with you.

You know? And I'm just like, that's perfect. That's exactly what it should be. Because I'm just like, sometimes I'm just like, why are you into me? Like, I'm literally sitting here like Al Bundy looking at it, you know, and he's just like, Al Bundy's a cat. Who's Al Bundy? Ted Bundy, I know.

Yes, no. So not a serial killer from married with children. No, married with children. Oh, Jay Pritchard from. Yes. Yes. Yes. But, you know, it was that classic, like, come home, hand in the pants, which is a really

comfortable position. It's so good. It's so cold to be what? You're getting cozy now? Yeah, exactly. And just being like, I'm just being me and I'm not trying. Do you go to sleep with your like fingers on your clit? Like you're masturbating?

I have fallen asleep. Yeah, right. And you wake up and you're like, what the fuck happened? Yeah. Like where I was like, that was really good and immediately passed out and woke up to like just like a burning gring. Yeah. It was a battery operated.

So like no one, I didn't electrocute. Desiree, I love you so much. Can I also say that, um, occasionally we will say to, we'll say to all of our guests, you know, if you end up saying anything too personal, you decide you want to take that out later. But may I say, we can't offer you that assurance because that would be the whole interview. Yeah, everything I said has been the most personal thing.

And I love it. I love it. And it's also, and it's why Helen's taking advice for the first time of everything. Good, good. But I mean, it's going to be fine. Yeah, but a lot of the advice was like during lockdown, that's a good time to do it. And it's like, well, it's done. No, no.

You're still young. What my advice to you is, is bang everybody you can. because at some point you're going to be exhausted of doing that and you're going to need memories later. Because you are going to find that person. You're going to wind up with them. You're going to be like, this is great. And after the honeymoon wears off, you're like, oh, yeah.

And that means I'm not fucking other people. That's not necessarily true if you find someone Polly, but you probably won't. But she doesn't have the time for that. So there you go. But I've had so much bad sex already. Oh, wait a second. So let's, okay, a lot of like, you know,

sort of casual sex can be bad. Yeah. But use that as an opportunity to practice being, sort of like, oh, no, I'm going to just be like, hey, you're not done. Yes. Like, because you're never going to see that guy again. When they push on the goofy movie instead of finishing you, say, hey, you're not done, turn that off.

Yes. I had an incident with the goofy movie. Or, here's a nice one. That's just like low-key offensive if you're not there yet. Just immediately when he finishes and he's done, just pull out your vibrator and then really come right in front of them so he can see what he did not manage to achieve with you. No, I like that. Yeah, that's great.

And you don't have to say shit. He's just going to feel really bad. That's hard. Because he's like, oh, that's what it looks like when you come. And that would have been really exciting if I did that and I didn't. Okay, amazing. Yeah, that's the thing. It does mean you have to travel with a vibrator or bring them back to yours.

Okay, great. We're good. Yep. Just in case I'm in the toilet or a train. Toilet in a train. Whatever. I actually did try once in a toilet and a train. I was so horning on the train.

I was like, no quiet carriage. There's no one there. It'll be fine. And then I was. And then I was like, I sat on the, I like, put the lid down. Oh, okay. And then I sort of like, put my legs out. No.

And I was like, okay. Vibrator, vibran? Like, no, no, no, no, no vibrators. Oh, my God. I don't know if I've, I mean, I know what you're talking about, but like the train bathroom specifically. It's tricky. It's tricky.

It's tricky. It's tricky. Also, the place where you, like, literally want to touch no surface. And you're like, all of it. All of it. When you're horny, your disgust reflex goes. It's true. Honestly, it's just a science thing.

Because otherwise no one would fuck. I was on the train like fucking eye roll and gagging for it. I had the train's gotten you started? Or was it just like a horny wind went through? The train has a nice motion to it. Yes, it does. What was I doing? I was probably listening to something that just sent me to fucking.

Oh, that can't hear a certain voice or something. But then I couldn't even get there in the bathroom. Then I had to leave the bathroom. And it was so obvious. Like, everyone knew what I was like. No one knew. the toilet like Like,

sorry, he's got me for a while like you Like my knee's shaking like Oh no, came out like four minutes later

like Now I'm very proud of you for that because I would have had the been like Oh no, what do they think I'm doing? I would have come out and been like I was actually wanking It wasn't just like eating in there

and breathing heavily would have explained to it and try a change or people who didn't care the idea of any of that when I'm like I go if I have to if I have to go to those loose

I am like take a tissue to open the door take a tissue to lock the door make up like one of those prison seats on the thing obviously go to the toilet whilst trying to like not touch

anything wash my hands use a tissue to open the door open the door go back and hand sanitize and then for the next hour and a half try to get my shoulder

shoulders to move back down to the level they were at. So the idea. But I'm such a gremlin. I love the two extremes of this. That's literally one of like nothing's getting touched. The what about Bob,

everything's got to have the little handy. And you're fully like, you know, like just put right on top of the wheel. I guess this is fucking made for me. My bare ass on top of the lane. No, what? You're joking. I'm joking.

You didn't keep your typing on. When you were on that level of horn, Like you cannot focus You didn't take your pants off on This is amazing Oh this is like when people are yell at you For having like pasta that's undercooked But like I can't sometimes wait

As long as I just have to like get it in right? You're putting your bare ass on a public toilet lid It's not the same man It's not a public toilet The trains are privatised Right? You heard it here first folks This is

I'm never gonna forget this Right I was like We haven't hung out so long. I know. It's always so good. It's always so good. The trains are fucking privatized.

Yeah. Do we have time for a problem? I'd shake your hands. We might need to solve all problems. Let's do one problem. Let's do one problem. Andrew, give us one listener problem, please. Okay, fabulous.

Well, I had two loaded up, so you can go on, go on. You can choose between flat shares or grief. Both fun. Yeah, both super fun. I mean, I know more about flat shares than grief, but I'm not afraid of the grief thing, but I just don't necessarily know that I'm fully equipped.

Let's go flat chairs. Fabulous. I can do grief. But, yeah, if you're going through grief, solidarity, everybody's got to do it. Agreed. We'll do the grief in the extras together. How I would do that. Lovely.

So this is from E. Hi. Hi. So I am a very happy lesbian with my girlfriend. Sorry, I just realized I abridged the first two paragraphs and accidentally said I'm a very happy lesbian which is not written down

so she's a not happy lesbian I went to read I'm very happy with my girlfriend and then realized I needed to add the context she was a lesbian yes she is a lesbian who is a very happy with a girl she has a girlfriend

because she's a happy lesbian yes exactly got it got it got it so E the very happy lesbian is with her girlfriend the very hungry caterpillar the very happy lesbian that feels very long term I'm very happy, all good.

Great. However, her current house share is in the process of disintegrating, and she is heavily hinting that she'd like to move in with me. Here we go. I'm currently living alone in my own flat, which I've worked hard for. I just turned 30 and have previously you hauled early on in a number of relationships. I'm now really enjoying having my own space and independence. She slowly started to encroached on this, and I'm just not quite ready yet.

She's five years younger than me, if that's any relevance. Obviously, I need to talk to her, but any advice... I don't have a problem in my sleep. I literally. exactly what I'm just thinking this is you. It's happening, go on. Obviously, I need to talk to her, but any advice on how best to approach the subject of slowing things down

without making her feel like I'm not committed to the relationship. From a practical point of view, she keeps mentioning how much cheaper it would be for her to move in and share the mortgage rather than go into another house share. But I don't feel this is a good reason to rush into anything, and I'm just happy with how things are at the moment. On a side note, she's also talked about marriage a few times and how this is something she would definitely want to do.

I myself don't think I ever want to get married, but again, I'm not sure how to best broach the subject. I feel like I should let I know why I stand on it quite early on. We've been seeing each other around eight months. Thanks, E. Well, E, you sound like a stress lesbian. Oh, happy, well, girl. Yes, you are in a slowly boiling pot.

Yes. So what did you say, ghosting? Just leave. Just give up. It's a tiny movie. Sorry, she does know where you live. These conversations sound very tricky. I'd say, just go.

Just go. He said that she was in her. her 30s? Okay. Well, I mean, this person's, I'm assuming then in their 20s then, five years older than her. Yeah, I think 30 and 25. Yeah, that's, that, that girl just became a person. So she doesn't necessarily, you know, I mean, her brain just set. Oh, at 26, isn't it when it's just set? Yeah. So it's just setting. And it's like she does want all of these things, but she's imagining things and ease living a real life that she worked really hard for and that independence is going to be very difficult to give up for anyone except for someone that you love. I mean,

Can you spin it into a like, obviously you have to talk about the like taking the time, you know, because eight months isn't really enough, unfortunately, just to like start cohabitating without all the problems being like. Tell that to the rest of the lesbians. You know, like it's just going to be like a pile on of problems. Like, is there a way for you to be like, I won't, obviously you want to stretch out the enjoyment of this relationship? And when we live together, I want us to buy or get a place independently that we both kind of come together. because you're only going to ever be living in her otherwise yeah there's no power in she's just living in your house she's living in your house and you are quietly resentful of someone that you love all of

a sudden and she's like how come you're not making space for me because you're like this is my space yeah and what you want is a space that's your space together so maybe you can deflect that into like let's start making the plan of what we would want in our space potentially you know and just start building on that but like yes it would be cheaper for her you already have a mortgage that you're paying for on your own. So, like, you can't just be like, yeah, I know this would be good for you. A lot of things that I could do would be good for you, but that doesn't mean they're going to be good for me. Can I say, we've never had a person email in so much where I'm like, just say what you emailed. Yeah, literally what you emailed. That's so fair. Nothing you're saying is unreasonable.

No. Maybe have an ice cream ready just to like soften the blood. Yeah, just be like, I am completely in love with you, which is why I do not want you to immediately jump into moving into my place. Like that's not like getting out of a relationship and then rebounding, but it's like on the spectrum of the same. I will say this, to not let her know that her brain is just forming. We don't like that. We don't like that. You just need to know that there, but that she's just like becoming.

And she's like, yeah, it would be so much cheaper in this and that. And it's like, yeah, but like she can find something that's affordable for her. You want to move in when you're ready to get it's romantic because you couldn't bear not to because you both want to build a space together because you're sure that your lives align, not because it would be easier for her right now. Yeah, and even that for like, it would just be so much cheaper and easier is like a setup for failure, you know what I mean?

It's just like, we're going to burn out the thing that we've just spent eight months building if we just go rushing into something. What is more important to you? Me in your life or your rent being affordable or, and I get it, London rent is not affordable. And you do have to live with 25 people, but she's 25. We don't know they're in London.

They could be in Lundy, pro. Oh, that's true. That's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I also just feel like, trust me, hard learned, but you never, you like guarantee you will kill your relationship. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you do this for any reason other than it's what you want to.

Your absolute desire to, like, not be a part in one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like, and also, by the way, I don't think you should have the marriage and the house conversation in the same go. No. That's a one-two blow. That's two ice creams that doesn't separate. But when you do have that conversation as well,

I think that you should be very clear on why and that it's not about her and also be very clear on like that's not going to change because I think that's one that's really easy when you're like, you know, in a lovely place. We've all been given false hope by someone and it's the fucking worst. But also like it's also,

I think this is very important to stress as like it's a completely legit stance to have. we always work as if like marriage is the given and you have to explain your position it's like it's a completely different thing to be like and it's not anathema to like you can still believe in commitment what was that word? Anathema

like the opposite of it's not the counterpoint too The athema Anathema Yeah it doesn't mean you can't have Sorry it doesn't mean you can't believe in a sentence Could you spell it It doesn't mean you can't believe in commitment It's just like commitment might seem more real to you

if you're not married. Like it might feel like less of a trap and more of an active choice. Like you just make sure you have your reasoning but I wouldn't have that chat at the same time. Yeah, honestly, the combination of the two. I mean, this E is presenting them like she's also said this and maybe it wasn't all in close succession.

But like them to get, I mean, it's not full-blown red flag. It's just a little flaggy. You know, it's a little like this person seems to be desperate to get their life settled and that's just not going to happen at 25. Slow you roll. Like, you just, you have to slow it down. Like, you can't rush growing up, and this person seems to want to be like,

I want to get this sort of and this and this and that. And you're like, it's not a five-year plan. And I was her. Get a pet snake and just say yourself for conversation. I still am her. Yeah. I'm her. I get it.

I want my life sorted. I want everything in neat boxes. I want, but that's not how it works. It's not how it works. And if you do this, it'll be over. Yes. And if she flies off the handle about this, that's an actual ready. Yeah, I do agree with that.

It's like, it's a completely reasonable boundary to be like, I'm not ready to move in with you. And I have not listened to that before and persuaded people into things that I shouldn't have, and it was a nightmare. And I know, I mean, I know lesbian couples who managed to pull it off for years together and it still crumbled because they just were like,

and you know, they kept going, we're like, oh, we're going to keep working out. But like the inception of it of just being like, let's do this on unequal terms. You know what I mean? Because there are just actual disparities in power. And, you know, I mean, if she probably can't afford to pay half your

mortgage, right? Yeah. You know what I mean? Like if she can't afford to pay like a fifth of the rent at this other place. So she is just going to be kind of, you know, needing you as the mommy in the situation. You're so good at advice. Yeah. You're so good at advice. Not as good as me though.

I'll just say this. Definitely take the pants and just right off sit on the toilet seat. It's a option. Rock his box on there, get comfortable. These conversations are tricky. Just do you think. I could not want to move in, get a pet snake, get a compostable toilet, do door and window free living. There's just, there's so many things you can do. This girl would love door free living

by the same thing. She'd be like, door and window free. Okay, fair enough. But it feels like she'd want to like watch your pee and I don't want them. I'm like, what's the longest holiday you've been on with this person? That's what I want. Like, if you can go for two weeks somewhere with this person and live with them, it may become a parent. And not a resort. We're talking traveling around by local transport. Go camping for two weeks. Yes, go let, yes, go be in a caravan together for two weeks and see if she doesn't completely implode.

Caravan living sounds fun. But I actually do think that like, and I again, I have been the, the, and I do think I was being red flaggy. Like, I do think I was being immature and unfair and selfish and desperate and needy. I was. I was. It is amazing when you can see that about yourself and like, actually say, like, I was doing that. And I'm still on picking that.

Like, and what it is. is the thing I'm unpicking is a fear of rejection and like a sense that like but the thing is that's about self-worth and there'll never be enough yeah like you know I just think you got you and if she doesn't like it then either she'll recognize she has got some work to do on yourself and also like sometimes it's also like if she gets upset it might not all be about you so also allow her to get upset for a bit yes yeah yeah yeah I would be upset yeah yeah yeah yeah over her upset will be like a frustration and that her life is is where it's at.

Because when you're 25, you're often working a job that should be paid more that you're being underpaid for, you know? Like, this system of rent in this country is, fuck.

Like those aren't about you so you have to let her also have some of those feelings and not like center yourself in them. But we've got to have this conversation asa. So we call back it then and just say like what you're saying

there's nothing that food can't solve. Like do it on a Tuesday Domino's 2 for Tuesday at? Yeah. Like have that pizza. Like have the tracker. I'd say have the conversation. at baking

before they're doing checks and I have a dessert on hand she will feel some rejection most likely even though you are not rejecting her I think the ice cream for sure

that how do you make that sound how do you make that sound oh the dominoes pizza tracker who wait there's going to be a lot of people listening to this getting very excited right now

if you're on a train quickly run to the closest bathroom if you hear heavy breathing run away from the closest bathroom. If you see me going into a toilet, just keep walking down the train.

Keep on going. I'll need five minutes. She won't. She won't. If I hold my breath. Anyway, thank you so much, Desiree. Hey, Desiree, where can people find you?

Oh, man, please, I mean, I guess find my work, don't find me. Go watch Too Hot to Handel. It's season five. You can just sit there and just like, just go to blip. It is on the fifth season now. They keep tricky.

people on the internet. Americans are crazy, man. They're just like, hey, I'm hot. Can I be on TV? And they're like, yeah. No strings, except for all these strings you won't read. It's got to be people who don't have Netflix subscriptions. They must when they're interviewing, they're like, so what do you subscribe to? They're like, Disney Plus, Amazon, and they're like, great. I'm on it.

You're in, do you have a bikini? Yeah, exactly. Okay, so there's that. And then they can find you on Twitter and Instagram. Yes, exactly. I'm at Des the Ray on Instagram and sometimes on Twitter. I will try to be better on those, but I'm too busy living my life, guys. Good for you.

Good for you. She has got to get home from that restaurant, skip the club and get to bed early, guys. She's a busy woman. Yes. Thank you very much. Desiree. Oh, thank you so much.

Thank you so much to all of you who support us on Patreon. We've got a new executive producer, Catherine. Don't look sad. I was singing very beautifully. I'm glad about the execs. Go on. Who is it? We've got the classics.

We've obviously got the OG execs. Go on. Simon Moore. Guy Goodman. Mary Fox, Annie Tonner, Sarah Harkie Deakin, Oliver Jago and welcome from producer to exact. Anthony Conway! Welcome to Exact Level!

Please enjoy the lounge! But we've got how exciting and also thank you to all of our producers. We've got Richard Bicknell, L, Richard Bolt, Sadie Cashmore, Zoe, Rachel Page, Helen A, Abby, Warf, Luke, Bride, Kate, May, Williams, Amy, Victoria Hutchison, Emma Wollton, Becky Fox, Tom, Ryan, Fink, Cordelia, Amy O'Reardon, Ki-Web, Matt Sims, Emily G Tristan, Tass Clair Owen Jones, Harold Van Dyke,

David Walker, Jess and Nick, Rachel Ard, Neil Redmond, Sarah and Molly, Tina Lindsay, Graham Marsh, Leah Overend, Liz Fort Clow. Good luck to M having to edit that.