Trusty Hogs - Ep97. Portholes, Pests & Paddleboarding

Episode Date: August 31, 2023

The Hogs are back in town and feeling worse for wear as Helen and Catherine battle it out for sickest little piggy on their return from Edinburgh. Meanwhile, we hear all about flat infestations, remote Scottish towns, gay spas, and sexy phone lines...TRUSTY HOGS LIVE (NOV 5th 2023): https://www.designmynight.com/london/pubs/balham/the-bedford/cheerful-earful-podcast-festival-day-6?t=tickets Thank you so much for listening!Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Guy Goodman / Simon Moores / Mary Fox / Annie Tonner / Sarah Jarque-Deakin / Oliver Jago / Anthony Conway / Matthew ThomasPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Harald van Dijk / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Sarah & Molly / Raia Fink / Cordelia / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Graham Marsh / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Kie Web / Matt Sims / Luke Bright / Leah / Kate Spencer / Tristin / Liz Fort / Taz / Klo / Becky Fox / Amie / Emily Gee / Alex McPugh / Dean Michael / Glenys Wood / Stefanie Catracchia / Sophie Chivers / MarcWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, welcome back to episode 98 of Trusty Hoggs. We had a little break. We've both lost our voices. We've both not seen each other in a month. I have so much to tell you. You have so much to tell me. It's me, Catherine Bowers. It's her, Helen Bowers.

We're both so germy, but we're pretty excited to be here. And we're bloody well, Em and Andrew are both in the studio. Yay! Yay! Welcome back, gang! We're back! Through the fog, step for the trusty hogs. Yeah, you're going to give them your problems and they will solve them or maybe they won't and that's your problem.

They'll have guests and Andrew White on the tech. Oh, it's Helen and Catherine at the trusty hogs. Trust the trusty hogs or maybe not. I'm dying. I know you think you're dying. No, I'm genuinely dying. We both have cold. kill and everything's fine. No, it's not a cold. I've lost the usage of my vocal cords. And yet I can hear

you just fine. No, I don't think you can. I think this is going to be a gorgeous episode. I think we send sexy. I think we're saying we're basically re-branding with our colds, don't you think? I honestly think this does suit us in some ways. It's kind of hot. It's like us if we did sexy phone lines. Do they still do those? So yeah, are you fucking getting? Do you think? A hundred percent is still sexy phone lines. You think? Yeah. Well, why wouldn't people just go on the internet? Poor Wi-Fi, bad internet connection. Whoa. And also, like, those phone lines,

there's older generations who are still like, that is the ultimate turn-on, for sure. Because there's probably St. Gen Z is listening to this, who have no idea what these sexy phone lines are. Oh, you call a woman who's, like, eating chicken and dressed in a way. Eating chicken. Yeah, she's definitely eating chicken and in traxie bottoms. Yeah.

And she called, and you're like, what are you wearing? And she's, like, lingerie. And he's like, what are you eating? And she's like, I'm sorry. looking on my fingers after you know that kind of thing yeah yeah i'm just thinking about your peronym and sucking on my fingers and they're like oh my god yeah i got the sick as peronym and they're just like yeah i think it's like no yeah i think it would be amazing at it yeah exactly wasn't it like really problematic though because then people start thinking that any woman on the phone was trying to get them off

they'd like call up british gas and like Cheryl would be like what's your meter reading and they'd be like uh that feels true because it's like every woman on the phone is trying to turn you on It could be the case Listen, we are today Hey girl, hey, how are you? I've already told, I'm dying Okay, but aside from that And we're recording this a day after I returned

From the Edinburgh French You are sweating profusely I'm in a horrible way right now And no one seems to care I do care, I do care No, because I came in and said I'm sick And you were like, I'm sick I am sick

And then you doubled down with so many different Like bits and bobs from your bag of medication But if you're so sick, If you're so sick, then what did you do at 9 a.m. this morning? I went to Pilates to make myself feel better. No, that's not. If you're sick, you don't get up and go to an exercise class. I do. A slow-moving Pilates class to sort of help me breathe properly and feel better, stretch it out. Nope, you get in the shower and you cry for 30 minutes until Sunil says he needs a big toilet.

That is how you deal. That is how you deal with tricky morning sickness. I had a long shower afterwards. In the gym? Yeah. Are they the showers where everyone can like see? No. No, I don't know. What?

You know like gym showers that where everyone can see? It's not prison. It's just the gym. Back in the day, like leisure centres. Oh, it's not a leisure centre. It's fancy. I know, but it's like the same with the leisure centre, isn't it? No, they've got like ASAP soaps.

It's like... Shut? Yeah, and like cubicles. Yeah, no, it's nice. But with like curtains that anyone could pull back at any point. No, it's doors that you get in lock. Why? Why? No, like, do you remember, like, when you get to secondary school,

like, there's showers for PE because they're, like, kids start smelling, even though no one ever uses a shower. We didn't have those in our school. Or they're all either open or they just got a, uh, what's it called? A curtain is all in the yang. And, like, obviously, everyone's just going to rip it open and, and see what's happening with your nipples. It sounds like a very much a you thing.

Yeah. What being afraid of other teenagers when. you're a teenager seeing you're naked. You sound like the perpetrate. Yeah, I was going to say you were definitely that would probably the curtain back, 100%. Sorry, Emma Black, bend over. Well, I'd want to see!

Oh my God, that's horrible. It's shocking. She's still your friend. Still, it's really interesting. You know what we'd like? In Soho at the sauna, the gay sauna. They won't let me in there, I've told you that. How do you know, Andrew? You said the only time you've ever gone to a sex party was by accident.

We didn't go from Mexico for the jacuzzi. Oh please I came to the bondage place Not for sex Just because I love leather I just want to try on the waistcoats Then I'll be all flads please As you were saying that you realise that is something Andrew would do

Right I know I know I heard of it I want to try on the waistcoat obviously he wants to try on the The man collects cats You're right you're right Do you know why he wants to try them on Not because he's a gentleman because Dolly Parton wears one Carry on Andrew

Isn't she fabulous Oh yes I'm sorry keep pretending that this is true Well the showers on the ground floor they're all mirrored and there's little portholes into them because obviously it's the

yeah Andrew do you mean peepoles? People yeah no but they're not like people

but it's the shape of porthole like on a boat yeah that's charming because you're in the splash zone but in your

oh Catherine that was very low brown I'm sorry! How awful from a woman of the cloth you're wearing a lot of cloth today

I am, oh my God, I'm cold because I'm sick. I'm so sick, though. Okay, but I'm cold because I'm sick. I've got the shivers and the sweat. Okay, look, we have to get through some things today. The first thing to say is that before we took our break, we had, can you behave? Before we took our break, we had the Jordan episode. I mean, I don't know what to say.

I don't know what to say either because people are so mad at me. People are like coming up on the street being like, why did you gang up on hell with that road man? It was horrible. It was just like jokes with a comedian. So, I went home and I cried. No, you didn't. No, you didn't. No, do you know what actually happened?

You went home and had to run off and go to work. And I said to Jordan, that was unkind. And he went, are you really upset? And I went, I won't be if you go buy me an ice cream Sunday. And I walked him to an ice cream shop in Soho and he had to buy me an ice cream Sunday. Which one? Snowflake. Yeah, obviously.

Did you get Sunday? An actual Sunday? What was on there? Just everything. Everything. Because he made me upset. I can't believe he fell for that. I know.

He falls for everything. He's so. You wouldn't have been able to tell he's very sensitive But I got so much You wouldn't have been able to tell But he's very sensitive The story of men

Everywhere Shit So bad Such poor behavior Sorry Helen And I'm going to wait An apology Sorry Helen

Like you mean it Sorry Alan That's okay I'm sorry I threatened to fart in your face Are you also sorry That you didn't get me a birthday gift Or is that coming soon I didn't

It's so cool Because now I don't have to get you a birthday gift so this is good. No, you do, you do. No. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. Yes.

Your birthday was August 13th. Uh-huh. Same as every year. It's the 29th of August right now. Yeah. So that's the gap. Uh-huh. On your actual birthday.

This is the first time we've seen each other though since my birthday. On your actual birthday, contacted. But Instagram post, which I knew you'd love. Mm-hmm. And I do actually have... My gift is your Instagram post? No, no, no. Great.

I'll get you an Instagram post for your birthday. Your gift is in my bag. is it? Do not pull out a tampon. I wish I remembered tampons. I've got so much toilet roll in between my lips right now. What? I've got tampons.

I don't know where they are in here. They're in this cupboards. Oh, that's great. Country's an ally. Take the tampon. How about a scrunchy you've previously given me? No, it's filthy now. It probably is actually.

I have an inhaler. The way it handed it to me, it looked heavy with like, have you ever put that through the wash? It's crunchy. No. I would if I were you. It's like, it looks heavier and yet sometimes smaller than when I gave it to you, which makes me think it's like possessed by a lot of dirty liquid.

The birthday, it's a number seven airbrush away, radiance boosting primer. It's brand new because I just bought it in boots about 10 minutes ago. I'll take it. No, oh, really? Yeah. Oh, I actually, oh, happy birthday. Thank you so much. Oh, damn it.

Thank you. I also bought tickets to the theatre for both. You bought a musical. You know, I know you bought tickets to a musical. For Hades Town. What is that indeed? Yeah, yeah. What is that indeed?

It's a wonderful musical coming to the West End. I don't like musical. I've already bought tickets for May. I've got tickets for February the week after I opens. I'm telling you now it's going to sell out and it's going to be a massive hit. And I'm taking you there for your February birthday celebration. Thank you. I can't wait.

Which is, in fact, your half birthday. Everyone knows how much I love musical. February 13th is your half birthday. Is it on the 13th? No, it's actually. the 20th. Okay. But you're going to have a wonderful time

and I will be taking you for dinner as well. Okay. At your, no, not your restaurant choice. That'll be expensive and it'll be like a long queue. Do you want to go to Yala? Yaliyala. You want to go to Yalla Yala? What's that now?

Cheap Lebanese, but it's delicious. I love Lebanese food. Let's do Yala yalla. Let's go there. It's a Ford. It's Yon. And there's a few, but there's one in Soho. Don't everyone go there on the 20th of the February.

Now we can't do that. Everyone's going to go there on the 20th of February. Right, you know what? You may go to your Pizza Expressal Choice. Fine, I'll take you. Happy birthday. I can't believe you forgot to get me a birthday gift. I don't believe I forgot to get you a birthday gift.

It's actually so rude. I never forget to get you a birthday game. It's because of the gap between your birthday and actually not seeing you on your birthday. Because where did you go? This isn't on me. I came up to Edinburgh and you went. I was taken on holiday when my girlfriend, to be fair. That's not my fault.

To the weirdest place of all. Sorry, sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Um, let's get into it. Edinburgh. I'll go first because I went before. Oh, we have to talk about it. We have to talk about it. I slayed too hard. Okay, well, here we go. I drove seven hours to Edinburgh. Two hours were driven by my friend, Adele. But the rest I drove. It's fucked up. Hi, Adele. Hi, Adele. I wouldn't see a show with Adele. What's happening? My back was so bad after it. I felt 1,000 years old. You shouldn't drive that much, it turns out. however stop at the T-bay services. May I say, what a fucking wonderful day out that is. Goodness me, I've been sleeping on

T-bay. I went on the way back as well. I absolutely love it there. I bought so many homewares. Who knew you get so many homewares on the side of the street? Fabulous. Loved it. But the drive was hell. I thought, oh my God, this is so scary. There was so much rain. I could barely see

two cars in front to me. It was so scary, but I did it. I was very proud of myself. You were amazing. Get to Edinburgh. doing my work in progress had Ellen Tech for me which was really nice but also really weird It's still a mental choice

Yeah but actually turns out When you have somebody Who actually knows about scripts In your show every day They remember the mad shit you say And then write it down Oh that is nice actually It was really weird

She like care about the show And I was like oh maybe I should care about the show I still think lesbians are too close I'm telling you know It's fucking creeping But it got better and that was nice I actually got good by the end And also the sisters who are lesbians

who came to my show. I saw this. Okay, but so I was telling this, so I have full permission to tell the story. Oh, great. From them, because I got it when they were in my show and I realized they were in my show

and I was already telling it. And so I was like, hey, girls, hey, can I have permission to tell the story? And they were like, yes, thank goodness. But you were already using it in your show? Listen, I was... Shut. I was...

By the way, for anyone who has no idea what we're talking about, this is a problem that we did on an episode and then we're going up during a live episode and now Catherine has taken as her own.

I've asked, can I tell the story on stage? This is fucking epic. Yeah, because, and I should bring them on tour with me because every time they come to my show, they have another update. They had another update at my show. So you tell me, or should we save it for the patrons? We'll save it for the patrons. We'll save it for the page. Okay, so. That's such a good point.

If you want full context, it is the March live show. Thank you, Andrew. Thank you, Andrew. And the June live show with the Lovely Rose Johnson. Those both have the context. honestly the wildest story in the history of time which is why I had to put it in my stand

thank you wow very smart Andrew God that was weirdly encyclopedic you felt like you studied yeah I didn't like it anyway then did Edinburgh but no how was like how did you find Edinburgh

without Helen on that I missed you a lot I would say I don't I think 12 o'clock's too early for me to do a show I had a lovely time but sweet Jesus the days are so long you think like oh I'll go home and nap

but you don't so you're just like having the most insanely long days and also I saw Hannah Camelary. Okay, I met her yesterday at a taxi stand at Kings Cross Station. Phenomenal, phenomenal, phenomenal, phenomenal. She's coming to London, she's in London.

Her show. Oh my God, go see her show. She's at Soho. She's there like now. One woman's stand-up show, she starts, dressed as a mechanic with a moustache. You're like, hell, yes, I'm queer, I'm in, and it's so funny and good. She's phenomenal. I love that. I don't even really approve of the sketch. That's so mad that I met her yesterday. Yeah, that's wild. But she was great. I loved, loved, loved her show.

I thought Oga Cox's show was a stout. isn't it? Isn't it so good? It's like a masterclass in stand-up. Chloe pets. Saw it. Oh, I loved it. I loved it.

I loved it. Bankable, bankable, bankable. Also, just like, my thing about Chloe pets I love is that you can bring anyone from any age and they'll be like, I want to be her friend.

I want to be her friend. I want to be her friend. I want to be her friend. I took Hardy Regan. Already friends of Chloe. That's a bad metric. I brought just a bunch of strangers, some enemies, actually.

And they were all like, I should make up with her. Yeah. Sick. Yeah. And then, so had a good time, had a really nice time. drank too much, obviously, obviously. And then had to drive five hours across to the Hebrides.

Now, I... This is where it gets good. May I say? I'm really rude that I've been talking this whole time and you've been like, get to the point. Anyway, I'm... My girlfriend, very sweetly booked a Ferryman's Cottage on the smallest Hebrideon island off the side of Scotland. Say it again.

A ferryman's cottage off... Now, what? Let's start there. Yeah. We've got listeners from all over the world. I did think you said fairies. Yeah, that's exactly why I thought I double check just in case. No, it's like...

The Hebrides, you must all go. It's a wonderful utopia for all queer people. It actually is. Oh my God, so get this. So we, she picked there because we watched this show called Designing the Hebrides, which is, sorry, it's a homosexual from Australia who lives on Mull, who won design interior wars or whatever, design master's war, or whatever that is, his name's banjo.

I have no idea what's happening right now, my darling. He's a bearded bear who designs places businesses on the Isle of Moll and then we him and his husband lived there

guess what we get it to this Hebridean island of Eesdale we're walking along we see this guy we're like huh

Helen's like That's your man That's Banjo's husband Alan was like Oh I heard Helen Yeah You keep doing it Oh god

You keep saying Helen I do keep doing it That's so weird That's creepy as hell The worst part is I get it Always say your name to her When I'm mad at her

No when she's in trouble. I'm always like, Helen! I mean, Ellen! Ah! Okay, Ellen was like, that's his husband. Because she recognized him from their dog. Anyways, homosexuals are too, yeah, insurer.

But the point is, we went to this tiny fairy man's cottage. It's like a small cottage beside the water where a man who would have worked, the fairies lived. The pub was open for two hours a day, three days, three days a week and the pub was the cottage across from Mars 59 people lived there

the internet stopped working at certain junk like a lot of the time but you weren't the only guys there no we weren't but you did have to get a ferry to like the supermarket or to well I mean supermarket to the satch shop on the side of the road

we went to Mull that was beautiful we went and saw some whales which is really really great Again? Again, we still like them. I figured out why lesbians like whales. Why? Because of the wet hole.

Come on, because of the blowhole. Come on. Come on. Are we fucking, we're all now deciding that's not our sense of humor, are we? We've all just agreed. Have we? That's not what, we're all too good for that, are we? You know what?

Don't you dare, cry! I can't with you today. Behave yourself. Stop please. Tell me that was a good joke. Yeah, you're very funny. That was great. Oh my God, also, did you have this thing in... Oh, that was so throaty. Another wet hole.

Okay, got end the second time. Hello? Okay, here's my question. Did you have this thing in Lush, in Edinburgh, where Lush contacted you to come for a treatment? Don't even get me fucking started on. everyone, everyone of their fucking cat's mum was going to the thank you

Lush spa Edinburgh for my treatment did they contact me, did they buggerie? Did they not? No! They were giving it to fucking like people who barely need a treatment. Like, you know what I mean? Like, I need help.

I need genuine facial help. I'm not like, you know, I'm not doing well. And they were just giving it to like, just like fucking hotties. Well, the best thing about it was that we got the treatments and then also they gave us a gorgeous

gift bag of things which was so kind as on Thank you Lush and so Who did you go with? Ellen and you were there you were there

How do I know that because I was at a bus stop waiting for a bus playing my new game called Happy Match Cafe Oh you do need help Match items and Chloe was like

I'm so sorry I'm in a rush I have a facial Which would do she I'll talk to her about Which turned out to be a 90 minute massage Oh my god that's even better Anyway em also looks furious

Like em didn't get to go to the spa But the point is We will go ourselves Because I don't need to be invited Because I do not believe in hashtag gifted The more successful you are The more free things you get And I do not believe in that

I will be opening the gifts I'll just trust the hogs officers in a minute But I do not believe in them Uh huh Uh huh Okay who else went Oger went I don't know. I didn't keep track my point

is like I got this gift back so I brought it to Eastdale so I did a little spa for myself there as well which was really nice was actually what I was going to say and also it used to be a slate quarry so you can just swim in the old slate quarries they're full of salt water now and so it was beautiful wait what the fuck's a slate quarry oh my god where they get slate out of the ground

and then there were big holes where they used to do that and then just filled it with water a tidal wave came they filled with salt water so you can just swim in them like natural pools it was divine look was it by natural space no did I get on board yes Did I have a gorgeous time? Yes.

Was I shocked? Yes. Did, the only downside was that I did do all the driving. So on the way back, we drove through the lakes, which was gorgeous. But we did do paddleboarding and I was terrible and Ellen was good because sports gay sport and I was mad. Also the man who was running, it was like, let's do tricks. And I was like, how about we don't, Adrian? How about we don't?

It was like, you stand at the back of the board and spin it around. I was like, it's a hard no from me, Adrian. Absolutely not. Good for you for pretending you wanted to do it. Yeah. I did, I read it and I'll do I pretend that well. Then he was like, you have to paddleboard back and I'm going to go get the boat and I was like, I'll absolutely be getting in the boat with you, Adrian.

And he was like, no, seriously, you can't. And I was like, yeah, I will be. And he was like, no, that's not how the class ends. And I was like, I'll be coming the boat. Adrian had a vibe. But listen, it's fine. He listened to the Joe Rogan podcast. He just dropped it in.

He just dropped it in. It was hilarious. But he was nice. So it's weird. It was hard to tell because I wouldn't have guessed it until he said it. I was like, there it is. That's the vibe. Is Adrian's job paddleboarding or general water sports?

Because there is a difference. Paddle boarding. Yeah, was he wearing Oakley sunglasses. He wasn't wearing any sunglasses. He looked like he thought sunglasses were for weak people. Oh, no. He didn't look like sun cream was for like snowflakes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know those sort of people. Probably I shouldn't have used his actual name. Oh, well. Hi, Adrian. Hope you're thriving. It sounds like the Joe Rogan version of yoga with Adrian. Yes, but I love yoga. I love yoga with Adrian.

No, would you don't discuss it. yoga with Adrian. Fine. You've truly been thriving. But then guess what? My girlfriend convinced me to cut our holiday short by a day to come home because England

were playing in the World Cup final and she wanted to watch it with her women's football teams. That's fair enough. Yes, except that they lost. I know, but they won one. They won against Australia. They just didn't win against Spain. Yeah.

I know that because of Twitter. What do you mean they won one? Well, they won their semi-final, right? There were two things that people were very excited about. Yeah. Uh-huh. I didn't watch them, my love. I didn't watch them.

I'm a feminist, but I don't like football, so it's really tricky for me. I get it. I do get it. Anyway, that's basically, the thing is that when we were at the Fairman's College and I was trying to be an outdoor person, there were slugs.

The slugs. There were slugs in the apartment. I'm telling now they're making a comeback this year. They are, they are, they are, everywhere. everywhere. What? Why do you know it? I've got slugs in my house.

What? They are everywhere. No, I was on an island. Why the hell do you have some in your lunch in flash? This has been, okay, how many were in your, because we had one? By the way, Helen, I just told you that I drove like 20 hours in a week and you didn't give me any praise. Congratulations.

Oh, so. Wait, how about WhatsApp storage phone? Can I think driving on country roads is terrifying? One road tracks with those little pollen bits where everyone drives 60 miles an hour and they beep you if you go 40? What the fuck? Those people are crazy. Okay, well done, we're done, we're done

The slugs are taking over Okay, it started, right Beginning of this spring I would notice in my little patio garden area That there were slugs Outdoors is fine I don't mind outdoors Of my forearm

With leopard print spots of them I looked them up Because I was like, I've not seen it They're leopard slugs Okay And I actually had looked them up the year before Because it was like purple on my phone So I clearly clipped it before

But still Okay, so they're everywhere they're everywhere and they gather right and then I'm like where are all the snails and I'm like these slugs are so big they've probably bullied the snails out of this part of the world this is fucking awful and then for about three months you're an odd David Attenborough and then for about three months probably I'd go for toilet in the night you know like night toilet night toilet inside no I toilet inside now

what the fuck is that to say I was like, look, I used to have a wee in a park every single night for about a year. So it's crazy. But when I was like 21. So it's crazy for me to ask? Yeah, it's not too old.

No, it was because of like a bus through and the time it took me to get home from my last access to a toilet meant that I'd always need the toilet by the end of a trip, so I'd always go in the same park. Toot in common. If anyone was wondering.

You're disgusting. I'm not disgusting because I wouldn't wet myself. Ooh. oh so annoying those are not the only two choices and then it is it's wet myself or teaching common no no think

I would finish work at the National Theatre Did you bring the toilet roll with you eventually because you realised you're going to do it every day No no no just do the Like you know when you're like squatting

And you do it every day for a year And at no point you think I'll bring me roll No because I'd be close enough to home And I'm not wearing the nickets the next day Oh you just put it Pull them back up all over the bit wet No I do the jumpy thing

Why are you shaking your tits at me Because when you know when you're squat down for a week and then you've got one hand on a tree stability. I actually don't. May I say? I actually don't. You've never weeded a park. I haven't. Listen, it's very simple.

Yes, traditionally, you use bathrooms at places there's toilets. Yes, I know that. Yeah. But I was working in the National Theatre. I was living down towards... Please stop saying the National Theatre. They don't want to be tied to this. The Royal National Theatre.

And I finished like... Hashtly sponsored. I finished in the evening and we'd always drink after every like chef. and we'd all hang out and we drink together and then I would get on a bus that because of the length of the bus I would have broken the seal

so I'd go before I went to get on the bus but the time I got on the bus but the time the bus ended I would also need the toilet again right and I lived like a 15 to 20 minute walk away from the bus stop right so then on that walk home

I would always stop at the edge of the park and have a wee-wee and I would put my hand on the same tree and I'd squat down Did anybody else ever put their hand on your hand? And I know that I'd have been fucking insane. That's how I feel like you'd meet your husband. A man would just place his hand on your hand

and be weeing on the other side of the tree and be like, oh God, sorry, didn't see you there. Everyone else was a freak out and I just look up like Charles Dance. And I'll be like, I just assume I assume it's going to be like a Charles Dance like character in the woods. Because he looks like he lives in the woods, you know? Like the hello? Sorry for coughing, I'm just much thicker than you.

And then I... I'm sick too, Kaffin. I know, I'm just sicker. I'm sick, too. I know. And then I bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, so the drips off the lips are gone. And then I went home, and then I put my knickers in the laundry bin. I'm sick of justifying myself.

The slugs have made a comeback. Right. I'd go to the bathroom at home. Are they related? Okay, fine. And there would be a slug on the edge of the bath. And I don't, right, right, thank you. Andrew, so ming.

I have a thought, I have a thought, I have a thought. Go on. Did you ever look down when you were pissing? Were you drowning slugs? Are they coming for a revenge? And if so, why were they in Eisdale? What do I have to do with this? Oh, what did you mean like in the park back in the day?

Like when I was pissing, I was pissing. You must have killed some slugs. But that's tooting slugs. I don't live in tooting anymore. Yeah, but they found you. Don't because I've actually my... Oh my God, I've got goosebumps. They found out.

They found you. you. But they come into the bathroom. So the point me and Senil had to have... Well, you came into their house and used it as a bathroom. So they've come into your bathroom in your house. But it's got so much worse. Because then me and snail had to own a bit of toilet roll. Like, you know, the end, the carbo bit at the end, that we had to use as

slug remover. That's what we used in Eastale. They're very good for that. They're very good for slug removing. So we had... I say we. I obviously screamed and cried and Ellen had to do it. But we were... Yeah, I made Snow do it a couple of times. So slug removal and it was just constantly taking over and it was so stressful. And

Then one day in Edinburgh, I just get a text from Sunil saying... They're looking for you? They're asking for you. No. Don't, because I'm actually gonna... You're freaking me out. It spells out of H in the bathroom. This is my version of the exorcists. Like, Sunil

lifts back my dovet and there's just 500 of them ravaging my body half eaten. Yeah. Just coming out of my nose. Okay. And then there was... He had a slug inside of his protein shaker. Are you fucking? kidding. No joke. It'd been living there

inside his protein shaker. And I was like, where was it? He was like on the draining board with our clean dishes. Please tell me he threw it away. Please tell me he threw it. It has thrown it away. But I sent a text and I called him and I was like and oh my God, what do you mean there's a slut? Like they've made their way up to the kitchen. And I was like freaking out. And I was like if it's on the draining board then you need to put some salt down on the draining boards. They don't go there against the nail because I can't

I can't live like this anymore. I can't live like this. And then he went, yes, okay, I'll salt it. And then clearly he got pissed off because I told him what to do, even though it was obvious and he didn't know. Then he calls Jordan Brooks. And Brooks, and then he tells Jordan Brooks,

Helen's freaking out, she told me to salt the entire kitchen, which I didn't. I did not say to salt the entire kitchen. And then about five hours later. Men are so dramatic. I'm having lunch with Jordan and a couple of other people at City Cafe because I love to look after myself. You had lunch at City Cafe?

Way too many times. That's insane. I know, way too many times. I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. I'm just saying, there's a viable scenario in which you go to City Cafe for breakfast, right? Where you like, you want a greasy breakfast because you're hung over, but there's no world in which you're like, lunch. The Wi-Fi's good, and it's next to my venue. Lunch.

Yeah, but so is Hula. Hula. Hula's a bit further away. But there's so many nice places. Hula's about a five-minute walk. City Cafe's there, exactly. why am I walking five minutes for a nice meal? I don't think so

not getting mugged off like that. But up to 186 is just at the end of the road. That is lovely, I forgot that existed. Yeah. That's on me that also I once had a mental, I had like a partial mental breakdown in there. Everyone has, it's everywhere, there's not a single place, it's not true of the beginning of going to the hospital one. So like it's, I've scarred it

for me. Like, like you did for Tudishing, common with the slugs. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got two spots in Edinburgh where I'm like, I definitely lost it my mind that I've never rebuilt in these places. I have some, where's your other one? I don't want to say it. Okay, that's fine. No, I can't. I'll tell you. Where's your ones?

Obviously, the last place I was like sweeping was the meadows by that the place the you know, where they sell the Danishy like the Scandy coffee, what's that called? Oh, Soda bag.

Soderberg and I remember I don't know if she remembers. I have good memories at Sodebag. I just, I remember making full eye contact with a I was crying alone like sobbing and I remember making contact eye contact with the comedian who had the good grace to see me clock make full eye contact and just keep walking and I thank Emma City for that on the podcast actually she just kept moving and I really respect that um and the other is um yeah okay interesting you don't want to say uh mine's opposite the doctor's surgery where the festival fringe doctor is oh okay that'll do it

Yeah, that'll do it I would say the you know the stairs outside the mash house? Yeah Not a good place for me I am very familiar

with the stairs Yeah, not a good place Not a good place Because my secret coffee spot If I look there Oh heaven I think it's probably the worst place For being trapped

Because those stairs go up and down For so long You know if you run into somebody If you run into somebody Who's coming up When you're going down them and you don't want to see that person. It is truly...

It's like a... It's like the worst kind of purgatory. It's truly fucking hell. It's hell on earth. And also, like, I'm such a klutz. Like, the likelihood I'll slip as well as just... It's all so much. I did not fool once, this Edinburgh.

I did not go fully... I rolled my ankle about eight times, but I did not go fully down. I'm really proud of you. Yeah. I usually spend half the month because it's so steep and I cannot... I just can't walk.

Fair play. I spent half the month rolling around on cobblestones whilst like sweet comedians go there's a car again Helen and I'm like but no I was I was upright for basically the whole thing I'm proud of you thank you I'm real pride of you the slugs are coming yeah for you so you deserve it it seems so and then so you just just rain did you just wait until the whole kitchen obviously he went obviously they knew that and he was just trying to like piss Jordan off or something so now there's drugs everywhere then I come home last night and he's like the slugs are over

we've now got mice and I was like define we've got mice and he was like they're everywhere because like so many people are moving around us clearly they've decided like where's our new home where's our new home they've picked us and I was like okay like he might be being silly I bought a loaf of bread yesterday

oh my God it was horrible I woke up this morning Helen no just stop just stop just stop to stop just up and we always keep it and I took two slices out before you can go and keep that out on the side on top of the microwave Bread, yeah.

Do you have a bread bin or? No, I don't own a bread bin because I'm not from the 1950s. I don't own a bread bin. Yeah, well, I'm also, I don't have that version of OCD, okay? I also have a bread bin. Yeah, I don't have any version of OCD.

Okay, there's a lot of different things going on right now. Okay, I'm normal. I'm the normal one. I have the baseline normal for this room. Call me, call me, average Helen. Run of the middle. Wait, so you're just keeping bread on the side. Not like, not just like, I'm not, like,

I'm not fucking coming home, taking the bread out of the packet and going, bread, and like having random slices on top of the microwave and making a sculpture. Like, it's inside the packet. I take two sides of it, I wrap it back up. I would buy you a bread bin for your birthday, but we don't get each of the birthday gifts a turn of it.

Right. You are getting a gift. You've got. theater tickets. You've got a lovely primer, which I know you're going to enjoy because that's radiance boosting and you fucking love being radiant. And I will bully you something. What do you

fucking want? I'll think about it and I'll let you know. I know what I'm going to get you. I know what I'm going to get you. Okay. Wait, so you pulled a bread out of your horrible as a plastic bag on top of your microwave. And I'm like, there's so many crumbs everywhere. But Senil bought a ninja

when I was away because he's decided that he's going to start making his own souses and pastos. The ninja? It's like a little like blender for like small items. Why doesn't, don't you have a blender? Don't. Don't. Don't.

Don't. Do not. Do not piss me off. So I know what everyone's trying to do. They're going to round my cage right now. But I will, I will remain calm because my voice is hurting. Okay. So he's decided that he's going to make chutney, Theltsa's pest though.

Okay. So he's bought a ninja. So he's born ninja. And then it was like there was loads of breadcrums everywhere. And I was like, oh, we'd be. probably tried to make some breadcrumbs, which now doesn't make sense, but at 8 this morning, I was like, that makes sense.

To two-size-out, put it in the toaster, they lift up the bread, and I was like, there's so many breadcrums, I was so mad, and then I looked to the side of the packet, and there was just, like, fucking feasting, where, like, five mice had clearly been overnight,

and I was like, grabbed up the bread, threw it away, obviously found some bread in the fridge that's Soneil's that I ate, and then he was like, why would you leave your bread out? And I was like, because I didn't realize we had mice like,

that and now we just now we're just us now what did you think he meant that there was like we've had it before where we've just seen like one mouse randomly like run across somewhere and then it's just like gone because there's like loads of cats to live on our road but I think all the cats moved out this is horrific and because those people are moving around us that they obviously like they're like where's food wears food and we have food okay can I ask now please because I'm actually I feel disgusted um what's being done I mean like have you got traps Have you got like some sort of spray

Have you got somebody coming to deal with this A vermin guy A pest guy Have he told the landlord No Okay so you tell your landlord and they'll send out a pest control man No he won't He's very laid back our landlord

Yeah he will because that's his duty And contractual obligation I would suspect to be But Sunil was thinking about a new job And he thought he wanted to be a plaster But maybe you could be a vermin person No so you need a pest control guy and you also need to make some sort of peppermint

oil spray in the meantime because they hate it and you need to put your food away do they actually hate it? They actually hate it and you need to hoover up every fucking crumb yeah I told snail to do that this morning he came out of his room with little hoover because he's got little hoover no but seriously you need to make a peppermint spray and get a pest control guy in define peppermint spray dilute some some peppermint oil with water

and then spray fucking everywhere everywhere they hated it so I don't like it either so it's a good benefit there. What doesn't like any of spiders? But mainly you need an actual pest control person to get rid of these. Because they're going to have babies otherwise. Aw.

I know. I don't want to live like this because there was like, you've got like just constantly, so have, like. Oh my God. I haven't had my son forever. Or you need to get a kitten. I'm allergic to cats.

Well then you need to get a fucking pest control. I know. Or, you know, at the Royal National Theatre. I swear to God, I don't happen. are you kidding me so you know like people like have like theatre cats

and like there's cats in a lot of buildings the national they hire a hawk once a month to come down like first thing in the morning when no one's around and allow the hawk

to run around and get like rats and mice and stuff please don't bring a hawk into your apartment I'm bringing a hawk I'm buying me a hawk write it down no no don't write it down she's going to be called Carla

just what just get peskin What? Kara. Cacar! Because it's caca, car. It makes sense. Write down Cara.

No, don't write anything down. Get a pest control guy. I'm here for the mice. So, so far what you're saying is we've basically been feeding the mice and your only solution is a hawk. No, we've got these plug-ins that have a light. What does that mean? I don't know. You got a nightlife.

It said it said they didn't like it. Maybe it emits a sound or something. But, Sunil, bought them. He was like, this sound will be really good because it repels animals. But then he researched it again and turns out that for the first three weeks it makes them all come to it. And then they go. What? I don't know.

I don't understand what he was saying. He was like, he bought this like sound repellent. So can I just check in? Can I just check in? What you're telling me is that you are laying out of midnight, listen to me, listen to me, listen to me, listen to me. And I know if it's something wrong, but I don't know yet. So I don't be cruel because I do have a learning difference. No, you fucking don't.

No, you don't. I do. Okay, well, what it sounds like you're saying is that... I've got a diagnosis. I've got extra time at school. Senil has set up an animal siren essentially to call them to your home. At which point they arrive.

Only for three weeks. And you have laid out at the top of my growth midnight feast. He has mood litters with this night light. Oh yes, it's nice, yeah. And then they go in the morning and you come in and are like, not like that. I didn't think we had mice like that. What the fuck?

Just get a fucking pest control man. I couldn't really understand. Well, I've only been home for less than 24 hours. So that's on Seneal really. And the slugs and the mice. Or you could wait until a rat comes and takes over. What's terrifying is that in November I'm moving back into shared living, as you know,

and I'm scared about it. I've not had the situation in years. Yeah, but you're the situation is that I'm scared of, I guess. No offense. What? Just like you I didn't invite them With your bread out and stuff

Oh come on Everyone needs bread on the side You're pissing little laundry pants They're pissing I don't I now I live close to the bus stop I feel like I did say And did I not say very clearly earlier

I don't piss outside anymore I think I did Wow you're so brave Okay I didn't piss on the street once in Edinburgh this year Okay quickly tell me about you or Edinburgh How did it go? I thrive

who've Uh-huh That was great I was wonderful You got really good reviews I got I only had two reviews But they were very good

Pretty good They were very good I'd rather have two good ones Than five and a four Don't mind if I do Don't mind if I don't Don't mind if I don't Yeah

I went up for two weeks I was like hoping I'd get more reviews But two I'll fucking take it Two good ones I'd rather than three average ones The show is life changing Why

It's just it's just so brilliant I liked a little video Of you getting on stage and doing your... You sent me a message. I liked it so much when you squeezed your boobs together. I showed it to Ellen

and we liked it. It was nice. It was really... I had a really nice Edinburgh. I'm so much. I mean, obviously there's a couple of things that'll tell you off podcast. Oh, good.

Well, I think it's interesting that was as I was leaving... Right, that time, I forgot. As I was leaving, like, nine days in. I got some gossip. Do you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, like, not for like...

Okay. Well, I was... As I was, like, leaving, I could see that people... It was a perfect. time to leave because I could see everyone was just about starting to get weird. You know, that sort of feral stare. I was like, oh

shit, Helen's arriving with the crazy does and I'm leaving as it starts. Did you have some big nights out? I arrived when people were like, well, this is what it is. I guess everyone hates me, the industry ignores me. And also when people are like, I'm the superstar of the world.

And then I just sort of like, I could hear the train pulling in and I was on it going like, I'm going to stir this shit out of there. Give it to me, give it to me, give it to me, give it to me, give it to me. I actually arrived, really luckily, I arrived as people were having their days off. Oh, that's nice. So, 40, 15th, people traditionally have one day off. That's nice.

Also, like, I just think I've been doing it long enough now. It's the first year where I was like, oh, my God, like, things that felt like such a big deal. I know. When I first went, when I was 18, when I was just a tech. Like, I wasn't going up and doing a show when I was 18. But, like, I was like, I remember, like, I don't, like, measure my growth as a person. and buy Edinburgh. Yeah.

I was like, I was 18. I didn't really have any friends because like everyone already knew each other. I didn't know anyone. Everyone was like hanging out and knew where to go. Sorry, can we just talk about your, I love you so much?

I didn't have any friends, and everyone already knew each other. No, you'd never been before. They weren't ganging up on you or leaving you out. Oh no, they weren't. No, but they already knew each other. Yeah, so you just had to be this. What did that say wrong then?

Oh, I just thought, have you farted? No. Helen I genuinely If I have I'm actually frightened Because I can't smell anything And that would be a genuine leak

That I would be concerned for my body Am I leaking? Maybe Wait is there actually a fart smell Well I believe you if you say no But my question was I just thought it was just such a funny framing Of the situation of not having any friends

In a place you'd never been With anyone you'd ever met before But go on, sorry, okay so your growth wasn't nice to me so the growth personal growth is that now you have friends and now I have friends and like things like I was like 18

and I was really like embarrassed like eating in public by myself for some reason because that's like a thing that you go through everyone's going to be like oh she's fat why she eating like that's a question of his mind and then this year I was just like going into pie maker like who gives a fucking shit yeah

I thrive I don't know what to say Michelle was fan met a lot of hogies, a lot of hoggies. Me too. It was just very tricky because you're doing the bucket

and then you're trying to like have a chat with them and you want the gossip and then the next show has to start so it gets to the last half of the queue and you're just sort of like fuck you, the show's got to go on.

Sorry guys. Yeah, that's a tricky thing. So nice, so nice to have so many huggies in. Thank you for my gifts. So many, oh thank you so much for the gifts and thank you thank you for my guests.

Thank you so much to everyone. I think we have enough Tony's chuckle only for life. Mine's all gone. What? We have a giant box of it here from somebody. Oh yeah, we don't even know who that's from. Do you message us if we sent us to box.

Somebody has sent us approximately 50 bars of Tony's chuckle only. Who are you? I'm assuming it's a suitor. And thank you so much, but also like, thank you so much. And also, whoa, we have enough chocolate. We eat in patron extras. Yeah, I agree. We do.

We can do a muckbang. Oh, my God. A Tony Chuddle Lonely muck bang. What's a muck bang? A thing on YouTube. I was, how are grandma? I'm going to the Hebrides.

Yeah, I feel like if your grandma just turned 35, you get her a gift. Go on. So basically... I gave a primer. That was 1795. For a number 7, primer. I think it was. I think it was. What?

Yeah. That's mad. Go on. I'm sorry. It's a thing on YouTube, a Korean concept, where you just order loads of food and you eat it on camera so for example

people do like McDonald's mcbangs oh we're not doing that no the sounds will be awful oh no muckbang for katherine no absolutely not I will be doing a mokbang at home alone

please sign up to my YouTube channel it will be from 1am to 4 a.m and I will be doing it on the toilet and we will not end until a slug enters no I'm joking that was the most ringing thing I was in my head I'm so sorry. It's okay.

Is you like a listener problem? Yeah. Would you what? Would you like a listener problem? I guess so yeah. Hello, Trustee Hoggs. Our guest next week is the fantastic Geraldine Hickey. Unfortunately, Geraldine's Soho Theatre run is this week.

It's on now from the 29th of August into the 2nd of September. So we can't use her episode next week to promote it because obviously it would have disappeared by then. So instead, here's a episode. A brief preview of her next week, promoting the show and when it's on and all that sort of stuff. Soho Theatre, Geraldine Hickey. She's a fantastic guest, a fantastic comedian. Go check her out so that you can listen to the episode with full context of what a wonderful person she is. Okay, so you're at Soho.

Are there any tickets left? Yes, of course they're up. Woo! Good, look at you go. Plenty tickets. But also, you know, yeah, not too many. Oh, getting quick. Oh, my God, Rush!

Yeah. Rush, you simply must. Yes. What's up? Hogs. It's Helen Bauer here. Just to let you know, I am going on tour this year. It's starting in Edinburgh. I'll be there from the 14th to the 27th and then I'm hitting up Europe. I'm hitting up Paris, Halim, Copenhagen, the places you've been begging for me to go. And then all around the UK, apart from Wales, for some reason I don't have a Welsh date yet. So please, if you're in Wales

and you have a venue, just let me know and I'll just come there. It will have a bit of fun. all the tickets are available on my website and I'd love to see you there and please bring Helen Gifties thank you so much goodbye Andrew stop eating Tony's chuckle only What the hell man

We're not going to get through it otherwise Could you be professional What flavor are you shoving in your face right now Krispy weather Oh that's my favourite one Andrew please me you stop eating that one and when you were ready we will take a list of problem please

oh well some problems would you like some nice updates and stories yes please yes although should we do updates on Patreon and then do fabulous yeah we'll go to patechon.com for all your updates what a plug what a plug

trusty hogs we love to see it alright come on give us a list of no what? 204 9900 what we're so close to a thousand patron Oh my God, please keep supporting us, please don't leave because whenever we say who we're so close to a number

and then people, 10 people drop off and we're all like, no, please, no, please. It's also in the first of each month, we're going to drop off in two days' time. No, stop it, stop and stop. We do, we do. No, we love you. Please stay. Help us. We must beat Joe Rogan. Okay, let's have a probi. Proppy. We're not saying probi.

You say that, but then the next thing you know you'll be saying probably. Okay, go on. We have a breakup problem. Hit me up in through some. so many. Hey, Hogs. Hey. You have made Thursdays my favorite day of the week. I absolutely adore you guys. Oh, that's so nice.

I am. Thank you. Problem. At the start of uni, I made friends with a guy who I soon started speaking with, dating, and then in January he asked me to be his girlfriend. Classic. I've been there many time. You haven't even got to

uni. Just shut off. None of the survival applies to you. Things are going really well into the start of May when he just seemed to really distance himself. He would only seem to have sex, didn't want to go out together, long replies, etc. I brought it up to him and he told me he had lost feelings. I found this really hard and confusing

because he had initiated everything and was very affectionate. Brackett's also my first ever relationship. I really still loved him and he lives opposite in our circle of friends and on my course. So my question is really how to get over someone

when it's impossible to avoid them. All the best, M. Oh, M, my sweet love. I'm so sorry. gosh that's just like really painful stuff so first of all I'm just really sorry that that happened also it does take a longer time than anyone ever realizes to go over a relationship especially your first one of course your first one I think um a little bit of I think it sounds like you need a little bit of necessary anger maybe you're I look obviously in the pain

stage but I think the that feeling of like you know oh I'm a little bit confused of course you're confused. He was being confusing. Like, you're not, like, not able to have kept up with the situation. He was being really confusing and unkind. He was always seeming that these people are, like, in their, like, late teens, early 20s.

Yeah. I think a little bit of anger. I think also, like, yes, it's really hard to get over someone when they're there in every situation, but I'll bet you there are things you could do in terms of distance, and I think it's okay to do those things. Move? No, well, not necessarily, but maybe. Not change uni. Jesus. I just mean, like, find new, like,

new club that he's not part of and do something like once a week with friends that aren't he's not friends of the cards club okay just because you're jealous that em and i play cards one time but yeah so get over it i'm saying like find something to do that he's no like it's nothing new for you that has nothing to do with him occasionally ask your friends out where he's not involved

those are all okay things to do but mainly i think like being kind to yourself about time like this is going to take ages not ages but a while don't you think yeah but that's so like does he live opposite Were you guys saying that's so boring? Yeah, opposite. What? I was a bridge in school, thank you.

Helen! No, you weren't. Were you raised in the 1950s? Oh, no, Andrew, don't, because I'll get upset. How did you even have a bridge club in your school? Was it with the librarians and dinner ladies? It was just throwing the Latin teacher, actually. At the bridge club, but I went occasionally.

Were you being groomed? What's happening? What do you mean? Who else was in bridge club? From just pretty much the exact demographic you'd expect, lonely, nerdy gays. How many is? Were you being, again I ask.

Enough for two games of bridge. Two tables of bridge. Whoa. Including the teacher. What's that? Seven of you and the teacher? Yeah, seven of the teacher. Wow, I really know about bridge now that I talk to more older women.

Hey, here's my girlfriend's nanny Pat and she's great. Honestly, I think one of you has to move just to make it quicker. Otherwise it's going to drag out for longer with the like if, if, sputs, when's possibly getting back together. Do not get back with this guy. He needs to move. Now, you've got a couple of options to pushing someone out. Obviously, number

one, we've already discussed this episode, release Berman at his house. I'm talking, your rats, your snakes, your poison ivy. Snakes. Yeah. From a pet shop, we're a pet shop, obviously. You plant some poison ivy, and slowly watch it devour everything

he's ever loved. Right. It's an option. Okay, that will drive him away. Mm-hmm. Also, hire sex workers. what gorgeous sex workers to come over yours why are you getting a gig so that he gets jealous

no for you for you for M right okay so that he can get jealous you think there are a lot of like sexy age appropriate sex workers available for hire near them a hundred ten percent okay a hundred if you're willing

to look you will find and that's just the rule for everything including like tricky ingredients and shops right if you stick with it you will find it right I do things can't Right, like time is important, particularly with first loves. I do think change uni is a big dramatic move, but it is an option.

It's not an option. Everything's an option. Why would she give up her whole life for him? It's not because everything happens for a reason. What? Nobody thinks that. Maybe you're meant to go to a hotel in a hotel. Because I'm not going to university.

Yeah. A campus? Yeah. A campus in Germany. Oh my God, would you stop? Go to a reunion in Berlin. No. Honestly, you're just going to have to be in pain for a little bit.

That's awful, isn't it, though? It's awful. And also, can I just say, like, you need to start thinking it. You need to make a list of, like, the things that were unattractive about him. At the minute you're just, like, mooning after this boy, you need to be, like, what was hideous about him? By the way, I'll bet you anything you're going to have better sex with somebody else soon. Like, your first is always never the best. There's no way that was good.

Like, you think it was good, but there's no way it was. No. You need to start making lists of his, like, personal failings. You think you came, but did your body spasm? Like, do you know what I mean? like those sort of things like were you genuinely like asking for mercy as he kept on eating you out I doubt it

I scruly doubt it did you squirt did you squirt did you swear did you have two thirds pay flying out of you that's the question that we've been over this so many times we're weird when we're sick I feel like we're both muted and weird

I know because I think we both want to solve it but we both know the answer is just time and healing and it's just a bit sad and frustrating. But that's what I said and you said I was boring. No, I don't think I did, my darling. No memory. No memory. No memory. That's all been wiped away sadly. Because of my cold.

Will you please update us as to what happened? And also next year and presumably next term you don't have to live straight across from him. Please God. Or do and haunt him forever. No, that's not your job. And ever. No, it's not your job. And ever. Get with one of his best friends.

That's a, now there's a problem we can both get behind. doesn't feel good but it doesn't feel good it actually can feel good there's a plan we can both get behind I like that yeah oh you can ruin things for him which is just petty but like his favorite restaurant in town or like cinema or whatever get a job there like just always be there no no no no we're different now we're not go to no I don't do that I wouldn't do that that'd be fucking mental yeah you totally would do that probably just don't yeah move to Germany I would say so. Put them in a well. You didn't even suggest that. No, the wells are full.

Okay. We've got away another couple of months before we're part of people in wells because I'm worried that it's going to get to the point where I want to put someone in a well again and all the well is going to be full. That's such a good point. Willie's something to consider. Well done to you. Until we start digging more wells. Look at you forward planning. Look at you forward planning.

I'm just worried that my like more wells. Surely if anything we're doing we're in a fewer wells phase of life. Okay well, I'm glad we're back. Happy trusty hugs day. Are we dead? I think we solved it.

I think we thrived. I think we did. Hey guys. Please tell us who you think is sicker. Yeah, it's definitely me. And can we also just... No, no, please tell us who you think is sicker. Yeah, please do.

I'd actually appreciate that because my asshole also hurt, which we didn't discuss. And remembering, my feelings were hurt with Jordan. My feelings were hurt with Jordan. That was a month ago now. No, but I'm sorry, but my feelings feel very, feel... Say goodbye, we have to go.

Goodbye. Your feelings are always hurt. Bye guys. Bye. Can't be that sick if she's willing to be mean. Catherine, are you ready

to say your thank yous? Thank you so much to our executive producer Simon, Moores, Guy Goodman, Mary Fox, Annie Tonner, Sarah Harque, Deakin, Oliver Jago, Anthony Conway and Matthew Thomas.

What a shame. Oh, that was so sexy until that little mistake. Thank you, Matthew Thomas. Thank you, Matthew Thomas. Thank you. Matthew Thomas is new? Yes.

And welcome Matthew Thomas And welcome Matthew Thomas Rolling our shit Thank you to our producers Richard Bicknell L, Richard Ball Sadie Cashmore, Zoe Rachel Page

Helen A, Abby Warfluke Bright Kate Dean Michael Alex McPew Amy Sophie Chivers Victoria Hutchison Emma Walton

Becky Fox Tim and Dom Ria Fink Cordelia Amy O'Ruden Key Webb Matt Sims Tristan Tass Glennis Wood

Stephanie Cat Ratchia Claire Owen Jones Harold Van Dyke David Walker, Jess and Nick, Rachel R, Neil Redmond, Sarah and Molly, Tina Lindsay, Graham Marsh, Leah, Overend, Liz Fort Clow, Emily Gee, and Mark, and Mark, and we talk about how many new producers there are, thank you all so much thank you. Also, your voice during that thank you list. What I've done has gotten quite ill and I sound much sexier this way. No, but that was like, I thought you were Alexa. I am genuinely grateful to people though. Thank you so much for supporting the podcast. We need you, so thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. But thank you, thank you, but thank you. Thank you, Catherine. Thank you and thank me and thank them. Thank you. Thank us. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank them. Thank them. Thank us. Thank us. Thank us. Thank us. Thank you. Thank us. Thank you.