Trusty Hogs - Ep98. GERALDINE HICKEY / Public Proposals, Pirates & Pussy Pier

Episode Date: September 7, 2023

Our on-air number blunders continue as we get stuck into episode 9̶9̶ 98 with the brilliant GERALDINE HICKEY! This is a super fun chat all about Greece, Sheila's Wheels, Rum and so much more...FOLLOW GERALDINE: @GeraldineHickeyTRUSTY HOGS LIVE (NOV 5th 2023): https://www.designmynight.com/london/pubs/balham/the-bedford/cheerful-earful-podcast-festival-day-6?t=tickets Thank you so much for listening!Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Guy Goodman / Simon Moores / Mary Fox / Annie Tonner / Sarah Jarque-Deakin / Oliver Jago / Anthony Conway / Matthew ThomasPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Harald van Dijk / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Sarah & Molly / Raia Fink / Cordelia / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Graham Marsh / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Kie Web / Matt Sims / Luke Bright / Leah / Kate Spencer / Tristin / Liz Fort / Taz / Klo / Becky Fox / Amie / Emily Gee / Alex McPugh / Dean Michael / Glenys Wood / Stefanie Catracchia / Sophie Chivers / Marc / AnthonyWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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It's actually Acton Noinzig, 98. Apologies for that, enjoy the rest of the show. 99 Luft balloons, and we've got no balloons in here, it's Trustee Hards. 99 problems. I can't believe we actually, I mean, 99 wonderful. And the bitch ain't one. And you are, and listen, I'm thrilled to be here. Yeah, you're gonna give them your problems and they will solve them, or maybe they won't, and that's your problem.

They'll have guests and Andrew White on the tech. Oh, it's Helen and Catherine as the trusty hogs, trust the trusty hogs, or maybe not. Can you believe we've been doing this for 99 episodes? Fuck! It feels like only yesterday we were on episode. I know, and we were starting in that horrible shipping container, well, for which we were very grateful. We didn't even start in there.

Oh my God, we started in that, like, that dark corner of a room. Wait, save this for next week. We can reminisce next week. We can't reminisce now. Well, honestly, I have much more important stuff to tell you what's like. I burnt my leg. That's actually really important.

I burnt my leg. I can't believe we didn't talk about this on last week's episode. I burnt my leg so bad, Helen, so bad. I, like, I had to cancel a Soho show. I was, I'm such an expensive cloth. It fucking hurts so bad. It still hurts. I also have cancelled Soho shows before for falling, so.

Oh my God, did you get a great? I know, I know, I know. Right, number one, I'm sorry, you hurt your leg. It's so bad. Describe to the, I've seen it. I've seen it. I've seen it this week. It's so bad. Let's have a look this week.

It's so, it's still, it's still so bad. It's so close to her vagina. Oh, it's so sore. It's so grim. It really looks like, sort of like, World War I trenches. It looks like I have, like, some sort of, like, flesh-eating disease. Oh, flesh-eating disease.

Yeah, or, like, there's a bullet in there. It's really, really, really, really, fucking sore. It's annoying. Tell the hogs what happened. I'm a klutz, and I was, um, on this riding day, meant to be running a rider's room on Zoom for my radio show, which we'll talk about, which I had,

Sunil on. I know, I did a radio show for, it's called TLDR, it's on sounds, you can listen to it It's just one episode But I was really proud of it I actually haven't listened yet I just realized that

Okay you're a cunt I'm gonna let's turn away home But I burned my I was basically like Pulling my chair into my desk I'm a klutz knock into it And I spilled freshly boiled Cafeter of coffee

All over my leg And thankfully I had the smart Smarts to like whip off my dress because I was It was sticking to my leg Oh God It was horrendous And it was so painful immediately

And then I didn't know what to do But I sometimes I think I'm okay with my OCD like I'm doing all right and then other times when I faced with a choice between like a screaming burning leg and coffee granules everywhere I find myself cleaning the coffee granules up before I deal with my leg

and I'm like oh maybe I'm not all right maybe I still have work to do interesting interesting interesting so I obviously had to hoover and clean that up first which makes me think that I'm insane Was Ellen not home? No I live alone I swear yeah and then um she's not always there

no she's not always that no no no no this is why I shouldn't be alone it's so dangerous anyway then I called a producer and was like I'm really sorry can I have for 10 minutes as if thinking it it would only take 10 minutes and then I called one one one and they were like get in the shower yeah and apparently you should run hot cold water so like keep it running for only up to half an hour

but basically it takes the heat away from the wind you shouldn't just put something cold on it yeah you gotta have like running over it and just stay that. Anyway, one, one, one, we're supposed to call me back with the doctor, but I waited two hours and they didn't, and my whole body went into shock and I'm sweating loads. And then, I remember that Ellen's parents

are doctors, so just sent sort of crotch shots to her parents and they were like, and then the doctor called me back, and then I got a burn cream, but it's really fucking bad. And, honestly, I've done it before. Once I did it before, I was, this is so stupid, I'm such, it's the same fucking mistake twice. during COVID I was doing a Zoom podcast and I spilled a cup of

coffee on my leg but it wasn't just boiled I don't remember that I burned it pretty bad but it was during a podcast and I just kept doing the podcast because I'm a pro I would make the world stop that burn wasn't as bad as this but yeah it's really fucking painful and what have you learned from it?

Don't trust the French never use the cafe Tia I'm sorry they're all at it fucking snakes in the grass I would say nice cup of coffee, like an American cup of coffee, freeze dried, or like use a keepy cup at home with

the lid on it, because the French are fucking gunning for you, my love, and they're gunning for all of us. Wow. You tell me what World War VII's going to be, it's the French coming back to England, and I can feel it through the channel tunnel. Wow, okay, well, that's a leap. I have a French fact.

I'm still sick, by the way. I swear to go. I think my cold won't heal because my leg is like using up my immune system. I'm having a terrible time. Can I tell you, can I make a confession? Because you message me

that your leg had broken and then since then on stage when I've plugged trusty hogs at the end of gigs I've said Catherine's burnt half her cunt off. What? I don't know why. It gets a laugh.

Why would you say that? I genuinely thought it was like on your lap so I assumed you'd burnt half your cunt off. How big do you think my cunt is? where do you think it starts and ends I just thought it's not so much to the size of the cunt it's the volume of liquid in a cafe

tear sorry for topic I'm really sick I'm really sick oh you're not well are you no but how do we get you better because leg will heal over time

that will that will heal I think it's just taking all my immune system to heal my leg because it's been an open wounds for quite a few days now and then and now I'm and now I get this cold

sorry for being so gross I'm feeling sorry for myself oh I love it when you're gross Anything, it makes me feel so relaxed. Okay. I have been free bleeding on this chair the whole time. Because it doesn't matter because Catherine's the gross one today. Do you remember the joy she had when you had the shit?

Oh my God, when Catherine had the shit. I had food poisoning. Oh, the amount of times I pictured that sweet little ginger ring just in peril. A sweet little ginger ring in peril. It's actually not ginger. I have a very bold ring. Sorry to say it. Yeah, me too. I've got a bold ring. fucking don't.

That'll be amazing, wouldn't it? No, we're just having fun, Catherine. What else? I hate it here. Why have we agreed to do this? I think we should stop at 99. No. I think we should call it today.

Thanks a week's episode, it's going to be so fun. Okay. Well, what I was going to tell you is that I got Sineal on my, um, radio show. But I, I, everything that could have gone wrong with that radio show went wrong. But then it still turned out good, I think so please, please, please, please, please, please, please listen to it. He, um, I'll tell you all about my radio show on the Patreon episode. So if you want to hear about how the sausage gets made at the BBC. Yes, please.

But I won't bore you here because this is about Trustee Hogs. We'll talk next week about how much I'm thriving because this month I'm currently in a different two European cities every weekend. For tour? Yeah. With Byrne. With Olga, fun. I'm going to have so much to tell you next week.

But we've got such a good guess. They feel like we should just get into it. Okay, but I just need to say that I read Fernbride's book and now. It's amazing, isn't it? It's absolutely phenomenal. I was obsessed with it. It was amazing. It's so good.

It's so good. And she writes so well. And for anyone with a mental illness, it's incredibly relatable, even though autism is very different OCD. But like, it was so helpful for me. It's autism considered a mental illness. No, it's a learning difference. Okay, great. But I still find it incredibly relatable.

Yeah. It's incredible. Because I was like, this is so useful as a way of like actually being honest. She's so honest. Did you read it all? audio book. Both. I read them than audiobook. I love it. I just read it by thing. I want to do the audio book. The audio book's amazing and also she makes some really

specific jokes in the audiobook that are really good. Yes, please. I love it. I listened to Daisy May Cooper's audio book. Oh my God, I should do that next. So good. I just found it so good. I found it so relatable because obviously not the same but I've been through the same sort of hospital systems that she has and I just found it really just like incredibly

frank and also like have had a lack of diagnosis for a while as well so like had that incredible frustration of like what's going on with me yeah and why does nobody know and even now that we have a diagnosis

how does anybody help and it was just really good yeah I think it's so weird that it's like not to ruin Fernsbook or anything but there's like so many times in people's lives but like it just takes one

doctor's opinion to be like oh it's not that and then that's it for that person for like, God knows how long. Yeah. Get at a second opinion. Yeah, absolutely. I just think it's so good.

And it's so funny and really well written and smart. Slash. I loved it. And now Loussandis's got a book out. Oh my God, I can't wait to read it. Gosh, yeah.

We really, there's so many good books to read. Anyway, female comedians are the ones. I want to listen to Daisy May Cooper's and I know we have to get on our guest. I just want to have a little interlude of a book club just then. Andrew's now got a book club point. It's the other Joanna Glenn book. No, she did.

All my mothers, we stand here. What has she done? All my fathers? So many listeners got All My Mothers on our Well, get Furn Brady's book on my recommendation. What are you recommending? It's the other half of Augusta Hope and it is Joanna Glenn's other book.

All my mother's is still like the pinnacle for me, but Augustus Hope was very, very good. I need to buy it. Okay. I need to buy it. Is it in bookshops or is it online? No, no, no. I want to support you. Manor, I loved her first book. I'll take your copy.

Thank you so much. I don't want to... I don't want to burn on that. Let's go to Waterstones. Off for our guest. Okay. Should we maybe have our guest on birth? No, I don't want it.

You want to... I am buying you a book. Okay. And please, welcome to Trustee Hark. It's Geraldine Hickey. What's up, Hogs? It's Helen Bauer here. Just to let you know, I am going on tour this year.

It's starting in Edinburgh. I'll be there from the 14th to the 27th, and then I'm hitting up Europe. I'm hitting up Paris, Halim, Copenhagen, the places you've been begging for me to go. And then all around the UK, apart from Wales, for some reason, I don't have a Welsh date yet.

So please, if you're in Wales and you have a venue, just let me know and I'll just come there. We'll have a bit of fun. All the tickets are available on my website. website and I'd love to see you there and please bring Helen Gifties. Thank you so much. Goodbye. Oh, that was terrible. Go again. Go again. Go again.

If you could pick your favorite intro, was it me or Catherine? No, it was a toy. Into the mic, please. It was a toy. It was a toy. It was a toy. It was the best accent ever. It's so good. Geraldine, you do.

have the best voice in the world. Also, you have my mother's name, so I'm so endeared to you. Oh, that's right. I did know that. Yeah. I just, every time I see you, I'm like, oh, it's another Geraldine. Legends. Geraldine. That's my name. I've got an uncle called Gerald. Oh, there you go. Yeah. I have an uncle called Helen. But isn't it like there's a Greek masculine form of the name Helen, apparently? What is it? Like, it's traditionally a man's name. Oh. The Greek masculine name of Helen. Oh. Or I was bullied at Scotland. for no reason.

Yeah. Do you ever say those things and you realize oh maybe that was like also I'm like are you Greek Geraldine? No.

Okay so that Geraldine Hickey that's Yeah. Have you been to Greece? I have actually. Oh my gosh we got there

and we got there and there's a there's a little where the fuck's that? Oh I don't know am I saying it wrong? No I think you said it right No I think you said it right

that's nice that's yeah I think you have have to do it like yeah personally oh did they have the old things there

yeah they had a pirate ship that was fun no they don't have pirates ship it was a fun little pirate ship where you just yeah you got on and you had rum

yum oh my god yum like guys who like couldn't work anywhere else sort of dressed little pirates and they squirt like rum into like tourist mouths oh wouldn't that

no no yeah who does that like people in Zanti should we start again what's happening you know those like like tourist cruises you can go on

and it's like a pirate ship and it's like men with like really like you know you're questioning like why did you end up here this wasn't like choice. Why are you on international water and why can't need to be like what's going on here? This thing just went went around the by for an hour oh okay that's nice

but was anyone dressed up? Um I don't I can't remember no you would remember you would remember yeah he would wait so you just got back from Edinburgh Fringe I did how the hell was it it was good let's get yeah no it was good

I actually believed you no I believe you every time I saw you you looked so sweet and happy you were always in your hat that protected the back of your neck a legionnaires cap oh my god you don't own a legionnaires cap yeah the only last person talking about this on the podcast

Heidi Regan from Newcastle Australia look at this look at this yeah say perhaps the drugs written across the top of the cat see perhaps it's fashion but were you It is something. What I love about this hat,

I love that you're wearing it so much. Oh, she would have been so... Believe it by the Scottish comics behind her. Leave her along. I don't know if you knew that. That would have taste me. Yeah. Do you think I would have cared?

No. I really don't. I really don't. But my favourite thing about that hat was that it is so cheery and so optimistic because to wear a Legionnaire's cap in Scotland, to assume there'd be that kind of sun that your mullet itself wouldn't protect you from.

Yeah, but... I can't wear caps. I know, but a Legionaire's cap plus a mollet. It doesn't look right. Really? Yeah. I don't know. Talk to me about it.

A mollet's doing the same thing as a Legionnaire's cap. It just makes it, well, the cap, because I've got, I think because I've got a small head and my ear, so the cap, it just makes it look like I've been through chemo. Oh, really? Yeah. What do you think the Legionnaires cap is saying? What's that? What do you think the Legionnaires cap is saying?

That I'm fun. You've recovered. Yeah. I'm in remission. Yeah. I've got to flap. But still I'll take chances with the sun. Good for you.

So, yeah, I had a good time in Edinburgh. Because I think I went in with low, low and realistic, but low, expectations. How many have you done before? How many have you done before? This is my second one. The first one I did 15 years ago. What? I know.

I did the free. fringe back in 2008 and I did it at the it was called something else but the banchi barge labyrinth yeah yeah what yeah why did you have a 15 year gap oh I had stuff on and um yeah fair enough

yeah no I what did I I think I just went I came over too early and too young and was naive and was just like oh you got it like in it you know I just had it in my head you got to do it and rough stuff like I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna win this thing because I want this and I'm focused I'm going to get so good

and I'm going to be friends with everyone I'm going to be best newcomer it's going to be great who's that the light went off that was absolutely magical oh we want that okay so and then I just went back to Australia and just thought

oh I'd get good in Australia and then I'll come back but also I was doing I was working I did breakfast for radio for like five and a half to be fair also lots of people would say I'll go get good in Australia and wouldn't go and get so good that they won the biggest

prize in Australian company and then came like you weren't dicking around you were like no I'll get really fucking yeah then I'll come back so did you feel like a different person at this one do you know what it felt like I was going back to like a it felt like in I'd done high school but I was in like year 12 last year of like in Australia that last year year 12 I was prefect I was popular and then nice and now I've gone to a different school but the school is like 10 times of size and I'm in like the first year. But no, but a lot of people still

know you as the pre-facts. Cool, cool, cool, cool. And you're still like, you're known as a pre-fax still at the new school. Yeah, there's a history, they go, oh yeah, yeah, I've got a bit of a bit of clout. Presumably there are way more Australian comics

at Edinburgh now than they were 15 years ago as well. Like there seemed to be a big contingent of I think they was. I think there's always been lots of Australians coming. Yeah. Where else are we going to go? Yeah, good point. Greece.

And also, yeah, great. There's only so many pirate cruises you can do, but. Yeah, and do they know our humour? I think, you know, British and Australian humour are quite similar. Very, very similar. Very similar. I was just saying about watching an Australian film. Yeah, what, tell us about it.

I watched Finding Nemo again two weeks ago. How's that an Australian film? It's an Australian film. It's definitely an Australian film. Well, it's set in Australia. It's set in Australia. It's an Australian. In the Sydney Harbour.

And on the Great Barrier Reef, they travel to Sydney It's set in the cartoon P Sherman 42 Wollaby Way Sydney Yeah No, you did Yeah This is more nice, doll Sorry, I wasn't sure which have you said that

I'm crazy I live on the Amazon Whoa It's pretty good Your accent's pretty good Thank you Do you think so? Yeah

Well it's because I was out I was with you in Sydney But then I went to Perth as well And I really immersed myself in the culture How long were you in person? for? What culture? Whoa, the lights are back on.

Well, that's good. This is such a fun episode. What's the culture is heard? Oh, you. Oh, the culture of Perth. Morning. Morning. And I was into morning because I watched a show called Instant Hotel and they were in

Cuba Pada. Oh, yes. And, um, oh, they have a wonderful time there. They all live underground. If they come above ground, they're covered and flies. It's, like, what? Are you even humans? It's mad.

Are these words? What's happening? You're at Kuba Pai-D? The place. Yeah, the plights. Sorry. There's a place called Kuba Pedy. Right.

They do might. But it's so hot. They live underground. Yeah, they live underground. People. What? Yeah, because it's too hot to live upstairs, like above ground. So it's cool.

It's cooler just to live in, yeah, they... That's horrendous. Yeah. They get skylights. Yeah, they're really, they are happy because they've got a good sense of Kimmery on a day. It sounds terrible. No, no, they love it. They love her because they love opals. Yeah, that's true. That's what they

mind it. It's beautiful. Okay. I wouldn't live there. No, no. I'd love to visit. Okay, fascinating. But it's about the way. Wait, so you went to Edmert, did you get, I need to stick to the question. I still want to know how. We've got so much more to discuss. And you know what?

You know what? What's your favorite character in finding me, mine? I was going to say, silly of me to even find that. The crab. Who's the crap? Do you mean Jack? The cleaner, the cleaning fish, the cleaning shrimp.

No, the one that comes in right at the end. Oh, when they're like getting the food off the sewage pipe. Yeah, that one. And he's like, ah, aye, oh, oh, yeah. Such a small role. Okay, amazing, fair play. I don't think I've ever seen finding him. Oh, hot.

Yeah. So, well, there you go. There's your afternoon, sorted. Yeah, that's a good point. You come to Helens. Imagine watching a movie in the afternoon. I would never. But I would...

It's just almost judgment. No, it's not judgment. I just, I wouldn't be like, I wouldn't be able to, I have so much to do. I watched Braveheart the other day first thing in the morning. It was brilliant. First thing in the morning. I never seen it before. I wanted to take it off my life.

Yeah. When you've done my stuff. Yeah. But why don't you? But why don't you consider watching Finding Nemo as work? This is, you're at work now. I genuinely put films on my list sometimes to tick them off. That's why you can claim them on tax.

And how do they help my work? Because it's a comedy. I'm having conversations about it. Right, but I'm having one about it now, even though I don't want to. Yeah, but imagine how much better you would be at work if you could engage with. Fish or friends, not food. Yeah. It's been a long time since I've seen.

You're doing really well. It's been a long time since anyone has seen it, Geraldine. This is not a topical conversation. Bruce. That's all. More names Bruce. What are you two little Sheila's doing out here? And Sheila's is, um...

Ladies. Ladies, yeah, well done. The Sheila's wheels. Did you ever get this in Australia? Oh, you're going to die. What? Sheila's wheels. What is Sheila's wheels?

Hello, Sheila's wheels. Is it a biscuit? What are Sheila's wheels? I wish. Like wagon wheels. No, you're going to love this. Okay. In like the middle of the naughties.

Okay. Like, they were like, oh, like, all these like car insurance companies. But what do we do with all the women? We can't insure them So they were like We'll get them a lady insurance For car insurance

And it was called Shailor's Whale In English Yeah and it was all done by people doing Aussie accents As good and terrible as mine And they're like Come on in a Shailor's Wales And there were these women in like

Pink things be like We'll crickshied But don't worry Shalers will take care of us Have I made this up Am I like Andrew Mee You remember this May I say I could really have used this

I just got my car insurance because I just started driving Gerald did I don't know if I've told you but I drive now. And it was the most expensive thing I've ever put. Where the fuck was Sheila when I needed her? Still going. No.

What? Shela? Help. We keep our Shilas happy by supplying fabulous. Five-star, the factor-rated car and home insurance. What's their policy on non-binary drivers? What is their non-binary driver's policy? I'll go into the right.

Please. And is it more expensive? Because they... Why does the light keep going on and off? It's so creepy, isn't it? Is it, like, are they going, oh, Sheila's there, they're a bit shit at driving. I think that's the idea, because

we get confused, because we look in the mirror and we've got to fix another. We don't know where we go. I'm using my woman's intuition is a mate. Parking is hard, to be bare as hard. And Sheila's wheels, we'll ensure your saints, even if they're period sates, well, I am loved. Actually, that's not bad idea.

Don't put that on the podcast. write that down as a Dragon's Den idea. Period seats. Where you can sit on it with nothing on, like when your shirt cocking, and you sit on it and absorb all your bloods. You're not getting a car. You can free bleed in. What's wrong with you? Seriously, think about the future. Write that down, Em. They have nothing on non-binary drivers, but they do have these fun facts. There are 1,174 Sheila's wheels policyholders called Sheila. What?

Sheila's Sheila's wheels. And no, it's not even better. There's one customer called Sheila Wheeler. Fuck, they better get for free insurance. That's... Oh, Sheila Wheeler. Surely it's a GDPR breach, she even tells us that fun. Guys, that's...

Well, wait. So, don't you have an equivalent in Australia? Of Sheila's wheels? Yeah. No. No. Wow. We've got, um, white lady funerals.

Excuse me, what's that? No. What does that mean? It's just a funeral service, but it's just run by women because they understand better. But not just for white ladies. No, but they're dressed in white.

No. Because that sounded like they were like, it was just a bunch of people having a funeral, but you complain a lot. And you cry on that's a set up. Karen's feet. Welcome to white lady funerals where your husband does have to come.

Ah! Welcome to White Lady Funeral No one understands what you're going through Not even your friend Who's also lost a partner Where we only serve Pinot Grisiao Yeah Oh bless us

Wait I can't believe I want to die in Australia Why? I want a white lady funeral Yeah You'll have one of a girl You'll have one Yeah Like commenting on the size of my coffin

unnecessarily Do you want to be buried? No I definitely but I'm made definitely burnt to pieces because I was listening to something about the burning temperature of bone and I would like to get to that temperature. Why were you listening to

that? Because I was listening to a murder podcast where they were trying to figure out who died in a fire. It wasn't who you thought. Whoa. Geraldine, why are all of the Oh no, we're talking about cremation? What's happening there? Do you want to be burnt

or buried? I'll go in a firework. That'll be fun. but you have to be burnt first they can't they won't put a whole body in the firework they've been very clear about that okay no I want to go with whatever is the most sustainable

at the time so just yeah make me a tree make you a tree that would be nice I think the most sustainable thing is to get someone to eat the ashes and then shit you out as far is that oh oh yeah how do you feel about that you're on board still I'll be dead who gets

nice okay that's generous what do you want Okay, so here's my thing I do want to be burned I think but I worry that I might not be dead And I don't trust everybody else to check And be sure So what if I'm dead What if I'm alive?

Yeah, but what if you're alive and then you're buried That takes a long time But nobody's hearing you down there Oh sweet Jesus, okay that'll be here right here So this whole like people being buried alive thing that was when people were buried like so quickly like now like you die

there's a couple of days but in Ireland you get buried within two days but what about you how about this you can be buried but then you can have one of those bells I'd love a coffee with the bell yeah coffee with the bell please

and how long do you want to leave it until the burning then um a month a month a month You want to lie there rotting for a month with a bell in your hand

just in case No, you get a string because the bell's up top Yeah So then we have to dig her back up Yeah, we've been exempted Yeah Put me in a fridge with a bell maybe

Or like a, does that make sense? Who's gonna hear the fridge bell? No, you press a buzzer Oh, a buzzer, oh sorry Yeah, the bell's never inside To say it like that Well, she'd already said it She'd already said it.

Like a Catherine wheel That'd be fun Oh, you could be Catherine Wheel, that'd be fun. I wouldn't mind a canon either. I think I'd prefer, I don't really like thinking about it. It gives me the heby-jeebies. I don't know how everyone's so chill about it. I don't want to die.

It's a big part of life. You grew up Catholic, didn't you? Yeah, I understand. There isn't happening now. You know that, right? There isn't right. Yeah, but there's purgatory as well. We're in purgatory now.

They got rid of it. Do you know they got rid of it? Oh, yeah. Oh, that's right. I did know that. Can I tell you the priest once told me what the difference

between heaven and hell was? I'd love to know. Were you raised Catholic? Yeah. Hence the name. Okay. So in hell, it's like you sit there,

it's a big buffet. Everyone's sitting there. There's lots of beautiful food on the table and you've got really long arms but no elbows and you can't, and your back doesn't work. So there's all this amazing food.

and you can't eat it. Can't you just head dive in? No, no, because your back doesn't, you can't lean forward or anything. So it's just, so hell is just looking at all this amazing food. That's horrendous. And you can't eat it.

But in heaven, heaven, it's the same situation, but in heaven they've worked out that you can feed each other. Oh, fuck off. Fuck off.

Now that's the difference between heaven. That cannot have come from an actual priest. Yeah. I loved it. You loved it. Heaven is meant to be somebody else eating from my hands. Yeah. How am I cleaning them if I can't bend my elbows?

And also, what happened to elbows? What happened to elbows? I like, I want elbows in heaven. Geraldine, no. I want to be able to bend over as well. Yeah, me too. Listen, me too. I thought hell had already been described as well.

Don't they describe it in the Bible? like it's like a burning pit of fire. Why did you say like we wouldn't know in the Bible? The Bible. You know, the white ladies use it for their funerals. The Bible,

you heard of it? Isn't it a burning pit of fire? Yeah, no, it's a place where you don't want to be. Where's the buffet then? What's going on with your praise? But this is the best thing about parochial Catholicism.

It's the single best thing about parochial Catholicism is the sort of like freewheeling that priests will do on their own stuff. Did you ever want to be a priest? So you can't, you couldn't be and can't be. But I was, I definitely considered being a nun as a child, for sure. For sure.

Do you reckon, like if you could be a priest? Yeah. That you would just be a priest and not a comedian? Because it's a very civil regard, don't you reckon? No, because I, I think I'd still want to fuck women. Oh, but that hasn't stopped priest from people. Oh, yeah, I know, but I'm so brazen with it. Yeah, okay.

I'm too brazen. be a good secret of gay. I never was. Yeah. I was out like the second I realized and I don't think that would be good for it. Oh. I mean like not the second but like pretty, pretty soon. Yeah. I got it took me a long time. Really?

Yeah, and look at me. I know. Your hair matches your hat. What are you talking about? Don't look at me when you say look at me. I'm not making any comments. I think it's lovely that you have a Legionnaire's cap and then you're wearing a sort of dragon thing that's also wearing a cat with a miller. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

So hang on a second. Do you, what age did you come out? I think I was, I might have been in my 30s. What? Yeah. But look at you. I know. What?

Did you go open a house without mirrors? Catherine Mary. She's gay. She looks so gay. What are you talking about? I can say it. Everyone looks gay, okay? I had longer hair.

But that is mad that you didn't, yeah. What are you told me? I did, when I, in, in my early 20s, I did come out, but I was, I grew up in the country, I was young, I was naive, I didn't really know what, you know, anything. And I, I kind of went, oh, I had the realisation and went, yeah, okay, yeah, I'm go. Yeah. I am gay. Right.

And then I went to, like, a lesbian bar. Yeah. And, you know, you see, um, movies and stuff. and just you think the the community will welcome you openly into their arms and so I thought so I went to like this lesbian bar and was like walked in and was like wait. What year are we talking in when you were you under 20s? What when are we talking about? Oh like 2010 early yeah okay okay yeah like 2000's early 2010 okay okay okay so we came out around the same time yeah and so I was like I went to this um oh no 20 no another

That's like, no, we're talking 20 years ago. So what's that? Yeah, early 2000s. Yeah. Okay, okay. Early 2000. So, yeah, I walked, yeah, into, and was expecting, like, the people go, oh, how are you welcome?

Oh, no. It's just, oh, no, it's like, here's, I'm just a, a 21-year-old walking into a, a country kid walking into a lesbian, but. In the city or in the country? Hey? In the city or in the country? In the city? There's not in the country.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just, in the city. and, like, I had been living in Melbourne for, you know, for a couple of years, but it was just like, I'm home. Here I am. Honey, I'm home. And it was just like this.

Like they were going to start playing, we are family and just sort of like, hold you up and love this. Yeah, and you kind of do things like. Go back to school deliciously with Whole Foods Market. Wake up with low-priced 365 by Whole Foods Market protein waffles and breakfast burritos. prep lunch boxes quickly with 365 brand juice boxes, crackers, dried fruit and more.

And look for sales on no antibiotics ever ground beef and chicken breasts that make meal prep a breeze. Shop best in class fines for back to school at Whole Foods Market, in store and online. It's community, welcome to our community. Like you'd get like a pack or something. It's just a, hey, welcome, oh, why you are sold a narrative. We're so proud of you for coming out. What happened? When actually what it is, it's just a bunch of, like,

self-serving people who've, like, who've gone to fuck. And so they're, like, oh, everyone's just out for themselves. It's a bunch of sharks. You just walk in and they just look you up and down and go, do I want to fuck you? Yeah. And I was, was like, oh.

So it just made me go, oh, I guess, yeah, maybe I'm, I'm not. I don't belong, I don't belong there. I'm, oh, I'm not gay. So I just went. And because I did. told a couple of people. And you didn't have rock climbing back then, did you?

Yeah, no. You weren't all on your things, yeah? Because now it's so easy. Wasn't there a local hockey team? Nah, oh, softball was in, yeah, and I was very good at that. But it's different. But I just kind of, you know,

and because I told, yeah, I told people that I had come out. And then I went, was like, had to go, oh, no, nah. I'm not. Oh, fuck. I'm really not. So, like, for 10 years, we. I was like, no, I'm not, I'm not. Geraldine.

But slept with some women at the time. So it's, you know, at the same time. But then, yeah, and then I did come out. So it was all good and everything's great. So then when you came out the second time, it was at a gig. Was it? Stop, on stage. Yeah.

Love that for you. That's amazing. Go on. It was in Adelaide, at the Adelaide Fringe, and there's a comic, I don't know if you know, Hannah Gadsby. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. so Hannah and another comic Amelia Jane Hunter would do these

I know Amelia Jane Hunter I'm from like I mean I start comedy in Berlin We used to get together the entire time Shut the fuck up I love her She literally just messed me the other day Oh yeah we get it you know her I'm so excited right now She's in my phone we're friends

And I have watched Hannah Gatsby's Netflix Oh there you go So She was on my Netflix the other day actually Oh my gosh, we're both of the gang now. Go on. And I've never been to Wannelaide. And I'd love to go.

Oh, you should go. I'm not gay. I'm not gay. Go on. But they would do like this late night show called Pony Club. And it was just them and it was the rules. You were never on stage alone. So they would, you know, they would host it together and they'd have different, you know, people come up.

And so they asked, you know, Hannah called, and she goes, oh, yeah, do you want to come to a spot? I'm like, oh, yeah, cool. And then she said, oh, there's a third. like you don't have to stick to it or anything but just so you know there is a theme and the theme is boy or girl and I went okay cool and I hung up the phone in my head I just went oh I guess I'll just come out then and it was like I had no thought whatsoever of contemplating coming it it was just that one moment my brain just went nah you're doing it this is happening yes and then I just started writing jokes about it and then so and then I'd like call friends

who were also... I'm like, oh, can I just run a couple of jokes past you? And I'd explain, I'm like, I'm doing this gig tonight and I'm just, you know, doing this. And so, you know, here's some jokes. And they're like, oh, yeah, cool, cool, cool. And then one of my friends, she hung up the phone and she said that, later she was telling me,

she just hung up the phone and went, I think just, it just came out. Yeah, that's what that was. And just came, and then so I, that night, I did the gig and... Sorry, people call you Jazza and you weren't out. no it's Australian man Wow that country's weird

Okay go on I know I know I know right I just feel like the gayest Go on You're right there You know what you're so close to it You're circling the drain Just like it's like

You can't even make that thing Because they're all bloody wearing Wild Okay so go on So I did the gig And because the thing was like boy And I you know I said I've always maintained

That I've been into boys But I'm into girls And then I did all these lesbian tropes of, you know, I should have said in the size, I was good at softball. Yeah, yeah, all the stuff. All that stuff. You took your hat off, you showed them your hair.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, have a look at this. I just stood there, you know. And then, and then I finished and went, oh, thanks very much. And I walked off. And as I was walking off, had it goes, just so everyone's aware, that was like your official coming out, wasn't it? And I was standing at the back of this tent

with like 200 people in there, and I just went, 200, that's a big, yeah, a lot of people for an announcement. I spent, there's a hundred back. It was quite, yeah, it was quite, yeah.

It was quite a big 10. And then from at the back, I just went, yeah. And then the audience just went, ah! The community welcome to you! No community welcome to me. Oh, full circle,

maybe that was a problem at the city gay club. They were expecting you to do a set and you just didn't say anything. They didn't know me. They didn't know. That is so fucking amazing that your brain just did that over you.

I know. Hang up the phone and you're like, well, I guess I'm doing that tonight. Yeah. It's like when, have you got any tattoos? Yes. We don't talk about that. Yes, I have, I've got one tattoo.

I have a golden gay time on my ankle. She actually does. I have a golden gay time. Oh, it's tiny. Thank you very much. I'm a bad girl. How did you decide to do that? Well, I asked her if we should get tattoos for our podcast.

She said she would never, ever, in any circumstance, get a tattoo. She then went away a week later to Australia with Olga Cock, and they got the ice cream I recommended she'd try a golden gay time on her ankle. She's a fucking straight lady. Because I'm a fucking nausea now.

No, Geraldine. I got it in Frio. Oh, did you? Yeah. And I also got a t-shirt with a koala with Diamantes on it. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I wouldn't have done that.

But the tattoos? For sure. But how is it the same as tattoos? Oh, like when you're trying to decide what to get, and then all of a sudden it's just, you know, you can always, you know, want a tattoo and go, oh, I don't know, and then all of a sudden it just, it just happens. It's exactly like me in the golden gay time.

Yeah, you just get a golden gay time on your leg. And just for like, perfect Disney symmetry. You got married recently. I did. This year? Wait, how was this Disney symmetry? November last year. Because you just told her coming out story

and now she has a lovely way. Oh, yeah, now I'm married. So it was worth coming out. I'm just saying, like, you love Disney and there's a happy ending to the story. Oh, right. I thought maybe you went like a honeymoon to like Disney. You have a fucking, you have a Mickey Mace on your tip. Yes, it's a, it's a Disney cruise line, spirit jazzy.

Okay, did you go on the cruise? No, thank you to our listener Elle for picking this up for me. Of course, of course. But wait, so how did you meet your wife? Do you mind telling us? Not at all. We met online. What?

Yes. It's the parents online date. It's fun. Oh, really? Yeah. Wait, what do you mean? We met, there's, um, there's apps you can get on your phone. I just date out

anyone I have sex with What do you mean? Wait, so which one? Which, oh, which, okay, Cupid. Okay, come on, that's a throwback. Yeah, well, we've been together

for a long time, so I think it's maybe eight years, maybe, so sweet. Who proposed to who? Well, here we go. She proposed to me because I had an on- ongoing joke because she said I you know because we talked about marriage and stuff

once we got marriage equality it was like you know yeah we so we talked about getting married and she said you know I will ask you because if you ever ask me I won't take you seriously understood which is fair I got one of those personalities too yeah yeah for about five years I would do this ongoing joke oh no where we would go somewhere at any place where I'm like let's let's get a selfie and then I'll put it on video and go, here we are at the front of the opera house and Cathis just asked me to marry her

and I said yes and I've got hundreds of hundreds of stuff so she proposed to me and she did it she did it live on radio what?

Yeah and he's like you know you love how good is a public proposal? I love them, but also, not for us. Do you know, like, that's what I thought. Yeah, I love that. That's what I thought. I love them, but do you want it to happen to you?

Yeah, I love them, but I do not want them to happen to me. Exactly, same. It's like, oh, that's amazing, but, oh, no. But both, yeah. Wait, so, were you on the radio? Yeah, yeah, so she came in, so I, it was my 40th birthday. Right. And I had asked her to organise me a surprise for me.

Oh, my goodness. Okay. Because it's just easier to when someone, and you don't have to worry about stuff. And so it started, I was, yeah, at work doing breakfast radio. Okay. And halfway through the show, she, I saw her come in. I was like, oh, maybe I'll get to leave early. The hot, you know, the little triple-wise darts.

Yeah. And I had suspected that she was going to propose that weekend. Okay. But I thought, oh, because she'd asked me to what my ring size was. I'll do it. Fucking how. Come on, Kath. I'm sure she's a lovely woman, but fuck it out.

Just take another ring and take it in and say this size. No, she knew. And it was fine. But, you know, the details that didn't know. So I thought she was going to take me to one particular spot where I thought she was going to propose like five years. Like when we first started dating and we hadn't been together that long and she goes, oh, take you to this lighthouse.

It's really nice. We'll take a bottle of champagne. watch the sun the sunset and I was like and the whole time I'm like thinking oh my god she's going to propose and I'm like I'm not I'm not ready like it's not oh my god this is not and the whole it's like it was like a 20 minute drive or something and the whole time I'm thinking what am I going to say oh I'll say yes I'll just I'll say yes but I'll say let's just keep it between us so we won't have to tell anyone oh my god it was just like so and that's so funny I know so when we were, you know, drinking the champagne

watching the sunset and I'm like, it's not, you're so stressed. You're, but your shoulders are up, but you're hearing. And I'm looking at a go, is it? Now? And she's like, beautiful sunset. I'm like, is it, no. And she's like.

Just having a nice day. She's just having a love your zone. When you got back at the car where you were like, oh, no, at the time, I just went, are you going to ask me? And she goes, no. I'm like, oh my God, I thought you were going to ask me to marry you. And she goes, no, why?

Oh my God. And then, so we were. We love... Yeah, that's so funny. So you thought she was going to recreate that moment. To be fair, that would have been a good stuff. It would have been amazing. So, and so she came in with all these gifts for the upcoming,

but to give me hints of what was coming up with the birthday. Okay. So... Wait, did she come on air? Yes. She came into the studio. Had she done that before? Is that a thing she does?

No, not at all. Not at all. And I thought it was, you know, she came on, she goes, you know, do you want to ask me, organize a surprise? 40th. So I've just come in with a couple of gifts just to give you an idea of, you know, what's coming up. And I'm like, oh, all, these, sure, but these are all clues that you are going to propose to me later tonight

at the lighthouse. And also the lighthouse is at a place called Cape Lipptrap. How lesbian. Oh, my God. Stop it. It's perfect. Wow. Kate Liptrap. Wow. They might as well just call a Posse Pair and be done with a thing. What the hell? Okay, go on. So I was in my head going, yeah, she's going to...

Percy Pair. Thank you. I thought you deserve more. Thank you so much. Thank you. Go on. So she was like, these are all clues that, you know, and I'm going, these are clues that she's going to propose to me later this afternoon

at Cape Lipptrap Lighthouse, right? And so the first present I open, it's a board game. And the board game is because the plan was, were going to play board games that night with all that, anyway, we didn't, but whatever. But the board game was the game of life. Right, and I'm like, oh, it's the game of life because we're going to get married.

This woman's obsessed with me, she wants to marry me, I got it. Could you be any more obvious, right? And then the next one was a bottle of wine. I was like, yeah, a bottle of wine, because we love drinking wine, and we're going to drink wine and we're going to drink wine together until we die. Why? But it was because we were going to a winery.

And then the next one, it was like a tiny little box, but there was nothing in it, right? And I was like, oh, of course there's nothing in it because she's got the ring. And she's going to propose me later tonight at Cape Lipptrap Lighthouse. Yeah. And then I turned around and then she's like getting down on one knee. And I'm like, what? And then she's going, and she's trying to talk at the same time.

She goes, oh, it's really hard to be down on one knee, but also speaking to the microphone and stuff. And I'm just like, I'll just do this. And I just turn the mic, put the mic down for her. and then yeah she asked me to marry her and because it was radio and I'm a professional I had to ham it up you know the yes and I went Of course I bloody will

Yeah you didn't mean it though It was all bad day That's so beautiful What you meant was yes Yes And a measured tone Exactly but I had to ham it up Stop and that's so beautiful

What song did you play after that Oh Oh it was Peter Andre Mysterious guy that cheerleader song that cheerleader song I think Clown myself a cheerleader

She is always right there when I need her That was our song Oh my God Stop with that's so fucking cute I still hate public proposals That's what I learned Oh my God I absolutely adore this And you can watch it on

They did a video of it And they put it up on Like our radio put it up on our We will link that below on the YouTube stream. On their face, it was on Facebook

and it got so many more views than any stand-up clip. No, yeah, obviously. That's so harsh. That's so harsh.

That's the best public proposal. You should flip it. The recording of it. You'll never like, that's there. It's there forever. You should have clipped it so that it did,

started a proposal and then went into your stand-up. Stealth PR. Oh, that's good. Oh, yeah. You could still do that. No, God. No, no, no, this is just.

Straight into your back to your bed jockeys or something, like straight into both stuff. Did you get married at Cape Lep Trap? Yeah. Did you actually? Yeah, yeah, yeah, because we've got a house near then. We got married, yeah. Not at the lighthouse, but. Really close.

Yeah, really close. But did you go on honeymoon? We haven't had one yet. Can I recommend Disney World? No. Honestly, no. It's called a sweet tart's honeymoon. No.

No. No. In Florida. In Florida. Yeah. I haven't been to the. Florida one. Which one have you been to? L.A. Disneyland,

the original. Okay. So that's the only one that Walt actually visited himself. Where were you thinking of going for your honeymoon? Oh, we're not done. Okay. We'll come back to Disneyland. I've been, I went to Disneyland. I know, but I said Disney World. It's okay. Oh, yeah, that's true. Yeah, you're right. I do know that, yeah.

Sorry. Sorry. So, no, please. So the honeymoon, the original plan that we, uh, we wanted to go on a whiskey cruise around the Scottish child fucking yes told you

lesbians love the Hebrides man what is it Catherine just got back from there oh my god

gorgeous oh can I tell you my joke yes um Catherine Catherine and her girlfriend

have gone on two holidays and both times they've seen whales and I said oh I know why you love whales because

of the wet hole oh that didn't get it yeah yeah you're talking yeah yeah

wet hole Oh, but also they... Hey, Andrew, do you have a listener problem? Oh, come on. You too, indeed. Fabulous, are you ready... What kind of advice giver are you, Geraldine? Measured.

I believe you. I believe you. I can see you thinking a lot of things just aren't any of your business. Oh, yeah, but if they ask me, it's my business now. Okay, great. Yeah.

Wow. I believe... I wouldn't, like, eavesdrop and go, I think you should do this. But if someone, what do you think about this? I'll go, well, now that you've asked. Do you think I should come to Melbourne? Yes.

I really want to go. Do you think they'd like me there? Yeah. You've been. What are you talking about? No, we have that in Sydney and Paris. Oh, I want to do. I'm going to do Melbourne this year, I hope.

If they like you in Sydney, you've got to be invited. Melbourne likes people even more than Sydney. People like people. Well, if we're invited, we'll both be there this year. Get an invite. Would you be there in Melbourne next year? Oh, I'll be there.

Does that you get a tattoo together? Are you? Are you fucking kidding me? Would you get Bruce from Finding Nemo on us? Oh yeah, I'll get a shot. Yeah, I'll just get a big green. Yeah. All right, done.

Okay, thank you. Next. Fuck you. You can have one as well. Obviously, you can have a Finding Nemo tattoo. You just never see in it. Go on. This is from A.

Hi, A. Hi, A. Hello, Helen, Catherine, Andrew M and guests. Yay. Love the podcast, best one out there. Thank you. Very subjective view, but we'll absolutely take it. Someone's not listened to real dictators yet on the Wondering Network.

My problem is that I'm making the transition from student life travelling life to real job and other adult things like and feel a bit nervous heading into it all. For context, I'm 25 and up until now have been studying at uni for five years, then travelling and visiting family in Australia and New Zealand for the past six months. This has all been super good fun and I feel so. lucky I've been able to do it. However, I'm now moving back to the city that I went to union and I faced a daunting aspect of looking for a so-called proper job. I'm wondering if you have any advice as to how to handle what I'm expecting to be a brutal job hunt in the

bioscience field, if that's relevant. Oh, okay. If you have any of you have any bioscience jobs. Geraldine, glad you're here for this one. I'd move you back to a place that I've only ever known as a student. Any tips on surviving and or thriving would be much appreciated. Sadly, I do know the answer to this. Biosciences, so as we know, my dad works in a sewage farm.

Yeah. And as he says, there's always a job and poo if people want it. That's your answer? Yeah, yeah. Well, it's technically isn't it's biological sciences? And feces and water treatment works, like turning the poo into water again, taking out all the condoms and things. All I'm saying is if you get stuck in the job hunt, there's a job and poo if you want it.

All right. So the jobs is going to be the least of the problem. I think they're worried of. They're worried about their life. Yeah, I agree. I agree. Here's my hot tip. Here we go, eh?

Struppin. Get your no party. Join a sports team. Oh my God. Why is it every... I always suggest this because it's the lesbian way. Yes. It's like they're a community.

It's like you genuinely believe. Community straight up. Genuinely believe if you join one sports team then everything else falls into place. It's called having community. It's called having a routine. It's called a happy support. Yeah, because there's a good chance that everyone on that one sports team,

one person will be a landlord. One person will be in charge of biosciences for the city you're in. You'll get a job and you'll all fix it for each other. You know what you will do? You'll get fresh air once a week. You'll definitely meet up with friends. You'll definitely have some people who know your name. You'll definitely have some sort of routine and structure to your week.

It's the routine. It's the routine, pals. Also, may I say, I think that you should, one thing that you don't have when you're traveling and when you were a student is permission to make a space beautiful for yourself and even though you might be on like limited budget that's so beautiful Cathy

because you're not like consistently in the same place all the time and that is a beautiful benefit of what you're about to do which is like setting up a base and I think really think like carefully about how you curate your space that makes you feel nice and happy and well and there's brilliant stuff in London like FreeCle and Facebook marketplace where you can get stuff really really cheap or free

even. It doesn't exist all over the world, not just in London. Yeah, but it means that, like, if you take your time and are really, like, pressures about what you want to put it in and why you want to put it there, I think you can make a space that makes you feel like, okay, this is new and scary, but I'm, like, also forming a bit of an identity in a space that feels like it's just mine. Oh, my God, no, I say lean into the 20s. You spent all this years in education.

You've studied really hard. You're not going to get the job you want. You're going to live in an absolute hellhole cesspit. You're not going to put any effort into because why should you can't work at the sex. They're going to chuck you out at any point. You're going to think you're worth a lot and you're going to work in an accessoryise. Now, here's the thing.

When I was working at accessories, the key is theft, okay? Anything that's left on the floor and they say throw it away. Technically, you own that. You own that. And that's how you can supply your income. Now, remember, working accessories

was one problem. It's a bit of money, but you also need a food job so you can eat. I'd recommend working in a cafe on McDonald's overnight shifts three nights a week. You're going to hate where you live.

You're going to fall out. with a lot of different housemates over the years. But eventually you will find the right people. And if you're lucky, God, if you're lucky, you will not have to play hockey with a group of lesbians. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah, I'd rather do three night shifts. Washing dishes and picking food up off the floor,

then play hockey with lesbians. But Donald's a hard night shift. My brother did it and he got fired, but it was tough. He did not like it. I do have a recommendation that I have never made before on this. that I actually wish that I would have done but it's too late for me now.

Get tile stickers, no, no. You're young, you're well educated and you don't have a job yet. I've got a third, we don't know they did well. Okay, well, you seem like you're well educated and you're definitely young, and the young is the only relevant part here. Five years at uni, they're educated. But young is the only relevant part here.

Do what it's too late for me to do and frankly was never really going to be on Helen's cards. Mary Rich. Oh! marry rich now while you're young then London would be wonderful is it London they're living in?

They went to university and so we can assume York well whatever it is marry rich immediately while you're young then if it works out you're sorted if it doesn't work out divorce you're sorted yeah I wish I would have I wasted my young body

did you have an opportunity to multiple but I just yeah I squandered it on like caring if I like to the person. Oh yeah. No, I know you can't marry, you can't just marry unless you really love them, don't do it. Yeah. No, because you want the Geraldine and Kath story. You want that one. Yeah, it's pretty great. 40s. She can have that they can have that next. Yeah. You can do that. With all your money. But also my two, um, just travel more as well. Like,

don't think you. Marry rich, get on the property ladder. By that stuff. I mean, somebody else's property ladder. No, no, no, no, no. This is the one thing that I've, got told when I was younger and I think it's very important never find yourself halfway up a ladder you don't want to climb so don't just go a job something you don't want to do because eventually you'll start escalating in that job and you won't want to escalate

in it. This is why every cafe that I worked in when they offered me a supervising job I said no and I quit it and I went to a different cafe with less pay I was so frightened of being too high up on a ladder in a catering job and that's why I don't know I didn't go to university.

We may know that. But I did travel. Yeah. And I was a wonderful waitress in Germany for many years. Mary Rich. I mean, if the opportunity comes up. Yeah, marry rich, right? Do that.

Yeah. I'd say move to Berlin. It's a very cheap city. And there's, and biology's, that's just everywhere, isn't it? God, I should have married Rich. What was they thinking? Yeah, I should have, um, which in poo.

Honestly, my dad and his poo mates down at the sewage works, they are raking it. they'd have loved you. They're number one with your number twos. He's the happiest man, Michael Bauer. In fact, just contact him, Southern Water. There's always, you know, I'm not trying to make himself a nepo baby, but my dad's always told me and my siblings. There's a job for us and shit for life if we want it.

Wow. There you go. They buy you well. He's madden's his own because he likes his own, but they will supply everything you need to go into the poo screens. Do they give you that stuff put under your nose from... Yeah, they do, but he doesn't need it. He's so used to it

You got to smell it Wow Does he pick it out Just with his bare hands Just digs in I know I know there's a tampon in here Somewhere causing a blockage

And he's having a lovely He's happy He's happy He's got a girlfriend And I'm going for this My dad has a company car Sewage works He has a company car now

I mean he's work This is he was 24 He's now 70 It's a long way. Is it your dad? Was he found in all the what are the, the fat bugs? No, no, no.

Oh my God, stop. No, okay. Because he left, Tems, he got made redundant from the London Pooh. Oh. And now he's on, he's in, he's in Pooh on the Coast now. Oh.

Yeah. That's it. Sounds like a 10-05 travel show. Poo on the coast, yeah. But he's happy, he's happy. And you too could be A with a job in, um, And it is...

Mary, Rich, it's much better than this. This sounds awful. Geraldine has a show to promote. Let's hear it. Oh, I'd love to hear about the showy. I'm doing a show at Soho Theater. And it's called, Of course we've got horses.

Of course we've got horses. It's so good. Thank you. There was something in... Can I tell you my joke about the horse? Yeah. That's the visual guy. Okay, so you're at Soho Theater.

Are there any tickets left? Yes, of course they're up Good, look at you go Plenty, but also, you know Yeah, not too many Oh, get in quick Oh my God, Rush! Yeah, come on.

You simply must. You must, you must. But yeah, and it's a show that I have just done in Edinburgh and there was a guy, there was a dad that came to the show, not my dad, he came to, and he goes, I just came because my four-year-old son

is obsessed with the title of your show And he was like, on the blackboard had the listeners of all the shows that I'd have to read them at, but I'd have to read at yours multiple times because he would just lose it every time I'd said it. That's so cute. I know. That is the cutest thing

that there's a little four-year-old who's just losing just because of the name. I guess he couldn't come because of the age restriction. There was no age. I said you can bring you. You might fall asleep, but you know, bring him along. That's so sweet. Okay, so people can go see you at Zahoe Theater. Where can they follow you? On the social's, Instagram, at Geraldine Hickey, Twitter.

and I'm on TikTok as well but yeah I just started TikToking oh it's fun isn't it I've literally just got into it but I am I'm trying to curate my algorithm because my friend Gwyneth's on the eel

algorithm and I want to be on that one the eel the eel algorithm what's that does that mean so like there's a side of TikTok where it's just people who are into eels hi Gwyneth Keyworth if you're listening and because no one in the world know how eels

mate because they all go to this one dark trench and they make that and then they come out and there's loads of babies every ill in the world. Well, has it occurred to you at all that that might be private? What's wrong with you? Well, it just sounds like they want to keep a private. Yeah, but we have to find out, and that's the eel side of TikTok.

But it could solve cancer if we find it. There you go. It's for science. But I'm trying to go on to that. What side of TikTok are you on? Like, Home Renner's... Of course you are. Of course you are.

Oh my God You don't need to tell anything You're gay It'll tell you you're gay I did I was for a while On the tiny house side of Instagram Oh fun

Oh my god That was a great couple of months Yeah Do you know about butterflies What a bet I'll tell you after this There's a lot you gotta find out You can't just leave that

And not tell people Don't I not told you this before In the podcast Is it that they go to dead bodies No that's ungodly Because you know I've always Had butterflies And I hate moth

And I hate mothed And I hate mothed and I hate butterflies Because I think it's just the colour thing. I'm not getting involved in that. No, they're both fucking devils. Wait for this. How does a caterpillar turn into a butterfly? Get in a cocoon. And it grows wings.

Yeah. As they want us to think, that is not what actually happens. Wait for this. And I'm not a Christian woman, but this is ungodly. They get inside the cocoon. The caterpillar turns into a liquid that can still feel pain and

retains memory. And that liquid becomes the butterfly. A liquid that can feel pain with a memory. That is fucked up. What about a jellyfish? What happens to... No, what, no. But it's liquid and it feels like.

No, it's not. There's a bit of purchase to a jellyfish. Jellyfish is way worse than a butterfly. A liquid that can feel pain. Okay, first of all, I like butterflies, but I will say this. Recently, I find out that in as much as, in the same way that, like, maggots come to a dead body,

so to do, and flies. and flies sewed to do butterflies. They love that shit. They come to decay as well. And people don't think about that because the PR of butterflies is that they're cute and nice. They feed off dead bodies.

Leave me with the maggots. Leave me with anything else, but you remove those butterflies from my body. I'm going to put you on a butterfly farm. When you come to Melbourne, you can go to the butterfly house. I honestly cannot do it. My sister is obsessed with the butterfly house

only because she knows I physically cannot get through it. Oh my God, because I land on you. I walk through the spider house at London Zoo constantly with her. There's a spider house? But where the spiders are loose? Like, yeah. Oh!

And I walk through that, I'm not joking, absolutely fine. And then as soon to get close to the Butterfly house, I feel... I feel one of my ears, I feel them in my ears. And there's a spider when you're exiting the spider house at London Zoo to check if there's one on you, and they're fucking huge. What? But how do they allow that?

I'm really concerned now that you live in Australia. and you've had this reaction. Oh, no. I'm having this. I'm happy too. I hate them. I actually signed up to the London Zoo Cure for Aachnophobia course.

Oh. But it's like a year-long waiting list. Oh, is it? Oh, it's got lovely. In Melbourne Museum does one of those, but I don't have that... I don't want to, though. Oh, what's the worst thing that spider could do?

But I don't actually want to get on it. No, no, I think it'll be good. It'd be good. What's the worst thing a spider could do to you? It's not what they do. It's the way that they look and the way that they move. And for me, most of them, I'm sorry. That's okay.

Most of them, I'm enjoying the tournament. It's the, the huntsman is the worst one. Yeah, so the huntsman, that's like the big, hairy ones. And we get. Oh, God, if you don't like it. Like, actually, I'm sweating. We, yeah. So, anyway.

I always think a butterfly's going to get in my ear. So it's the, it's the ones with actual facial features. Well, it's more, yeah, it's the big, hairy, because they're so big, and it's the way that they move as well, and it's, yeah, it's, mm. And, yeah. Thank you so much to Geraldine. Thank you. Thank you, Catherine. Are you ready to say your thank you. Thank you so much to our executive producer, Simon Moors, Guy Goodman, Mary Fox, Annie Tonner, Sarah Harkey, Deacon, Oliver Jago, Anthony Conway, and Matthew Thomas. Matthew Thomas, what a shame.

Oh, that was so sexy until that little mistake. Thank you, Matthew Thomas. Thank you, Matthew Thomas. Thank you. Thank you to our producers, Richard Bicknell, L, Richard Ball, Sadie Cashmore, Zoe, Rachel Page, Helen A, Abbey, Warf, Luke, Bright, Kate, Dean Michael, Alex McPew, Amy, Sophie Chivers, Victoria Hutchison, Emma Walton, Becky Fox, Tim and Dom, Ria Fink, Cordelia, Amy O'Ruden, Key Webb, Matt Sims, Tristan, Tassinus Wood, Stephanie,

Caratia, Clareau and Joan. Harold Van Dyke David Walker Jess and Nick Rachel R Neil Redmond Sarah and Molly Tina Lindsay

Graham Marsh Leah overend Liz Fort Clow Emily Gee and Mark with a C don't mind if we do Mark

and we talk about how many new producers there are thank you all also much thank you list what I've done

has gotten quite ill and I said much sexier this way no but like that was like I thought you

were Alexa I am genuinely grateful to people though thank you so much for support the podcast

we need you so thank you thank you Thank you. Thank you, but thank you, but thank you, Catherine. Thank you and thank me and thank them. Thank you. Thank us. Thank you. Thank you. Thank them. Thank us. Thank us. Thank us. Thank us. Thank us. Thank you. Yeah.