Trusty Hogs - Ep99. TOM BALLARD / Sweat, Spreads & Suppositories

Episode Date: September 14, 2023

It's episode 99 (for real this time)! We have a stellar guest in the form of Tom Ballard who is so funny and so keen to solve problems - we had a blast. Fair warning, the second half of the episode is a bit disgusting at times (don't eat with it, I'd say) but it is very funny...FOLLOW TOM: @TomCBallardTRUSTY HOGS LIVE (NOV 5th 2023): https://www.designmynight.com/london/pubs/balham/the-bedford/cheerful-earful-podcast-festival-day-6?t=tickets Thank you so much for listening!Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Guy Goodman / Simon Moores / Mary Fox / Annie Tonner / Sarah Jarque-Deakin / Oliver Jago / Anthony Conway / Matthew ThomasPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Harald van Dijk / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Sarah & Molly / Raia Fink / Cordelia / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Graham Marsh / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Kie Web / Matt Sims / Luke Bright / Leah / Kate Spencer / Tristin / Liz Fort / Taz / Klo / Becky Fox / Amie / Emily Gee / Alex McPugh / Dean Michael / Glenys Wood / Stefanie Catracchia / Sophie Chivers / Marc / AnthonyWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

At Arizona State University, we're bringing world-class education from our globally acclaimed faculty to you. Earn your degree from the nation's most innovative university online. That's a degree better. Learn more at ASUonline.asu.orgia. This week, it is definitely episode 99. We double-checked with Andrew. We don't want to hear about this on Instagram.

I don't need to see your memes. I don't need his little voiceover interruption where he's like, actually, they got it wrong, as if he wasn't in the same. the room and couldn't have told us then sidebar. No one knows. Why wouldn't you just say it? It's every time we're recording. We go, what episode is that, Andrew?

What episode? And you go, 99. Yeah, and then you say, they got it wrong. You tell us. This is entirely me. I accept full responsibility. I even wrote it on the whiteboard wrong. Now you do. But listen, there's no good writing an apology in the following week's

newspaper. Do you know what I mean? Say it in the same size font, Andrew. Interrupt this intro to say you're sorry. Okay, I will. Welcome to the good vibes of trusty hog. Hello. And for anyone who hasn't listened before, I mean...

Where have you been, my love, my God. Where have you been? It's been 99 weeks. Welcome, my loves. Oh my God, you have 99 episodes to catch up on. You've got to get on it. There's a lot of backstory. There's so much backstory.

I've been divorced. No, you... No one would marry. You've given away five babies. It's been a mad old time. That's such an Irish cliche. Yeah, you're going to give them your problems and they will solve them. Or maybe they won't and that's your problem.

They'll have guests and Andrew White on the tech. Oh, it's Helen and Catherine at the trusty hogs. Trust the trusty hogs or maybe not. No, we're going to focus. Okay, Helen, for once I stayed off Instagram for a little bit. and it seems that I missed something because everyone keeps asking me do you know what's going on with Helen

and I don't? What's going on with Helen? Just really quickly, how are you? Just say good so I can move on so I feel like I've asked you. Yay! Okay, I'm also thriving. I have done,

so I'm doing my European tour at the moment. I've been Copenhagen, Oslo, Helsinki, Stockholm. I've been fucking all over the place. Was you been your favourite? Oxford. Oxford was your favourite? No, they've all been nice.

Oh no, wait, there was one that was like Super Dodge, which one was that? I can't remember now. Oxford. No, Oxford, you guys were delightful. They're so nice firehouse. Yes! I've never done it there before.

Oh, it's lovely. I've been touring, I've been meeting little hogies. I think we've got hogs everywhere apart from Helsinki. And if they were there, they didn't say anything, which I also totally respect to be like, I'm not aligning myself with whatever's happening on stage. You know? Sometimes I think people are like...

They came in as hogs and they left us as having unsubscribers. I didn't think it was a very hog-heavy crowd because there were only two girls who were like, we like Disney and everyone else was like, what the fuck's wrong with the big glass screaming on stage? Yeah. Like, but I had a lovely time and I thrived. Here's what happened. I can't believe you haven't seen this on Instagram. Just get on with it.

What did you do? Because Andrew knows. Okay. Did you go some more weird in Helsinki or something? I did, but that's not this. Oh. I got Thrash because I'm a woman. I know.

You told me that. Yes. Now, how do you treat Thrash? What would you do? Well, we both had thrushed at the same time because I was on antibiotics. And so I, well, first of all, I took probiotics ahead of the antibiotics to make sure that I didn't get too bad. And then I just... Okay, what the fuck is this?

You can get a... You can get two forms of treatment. Well, obviously you can get cream, but you can get either a tablet that you take or you can get a pestry that you insert. I got the tablet that you take once I've never done that before. Actually, cheaper and it worked. I've heard a lot about this tablet this week. A lot, a lot. But the pestries are like pink and you have to pop them in, right?

They're not pink. Or they're like, you put them in like almost like a tampon and you just shoot it up. But wait. So now, but I know that now. I want you to know that I now know that. You don't need to shout at me. What did you do? Put in with your fingers? I wish.

I, I, I had thrush. I usually, if I have thrush, it's not that common that I have it. You only need one pestry, Helen, is that is? Yeah, you'll need one pestery. I, right, just assume that everything you're going to say, I now know, due to a lot of angry people on TikTok and Instagram. Just as you might know. I had thrush.

I thought I want to get this done quickly because I want to swim in the pools in the hotel because for some reason they've put us in lovely hotels, which by the way, I think is where I got the thrush in the first place. It's not been the nice hotels. It's definitely the fact that you have your period and you re-wear the same trousers so much. It was, okay, correct it was the trap. You know what? Fuck you. I need to keep a pair clean, so I thought I had the same pair for five.

You're a fucking cunt, okay? because I went to Boots when I was in the UK for two days and I got myself Pesseries because everyone was like oh you have to have a Pessory have you got a Pessory get a Pessory when I said I had Thrush

on Twitter or something You said that on Twitter before you went to the chemist Yes Catherine because I'm a sharer and I'm an open heart And then I went to Boots, Boots, Boots in Covent Garden And I got I said Pesseries in women's like health

And I'll get that And I said like seven days and I was like, seven days of tablets, that makes sense. I probably... Wait, you have to take seven pesseries? Seven, let's see it, seven pesseries. And then I opened the box. I thought it was just like a one-shot wonder.

No, sorry. This is boots. This is the chemist in Britain that everyone uses, so clearly it's right, okay? Okay. I got, you're pissing me off now. I'm just asking questions. I got seven days worth of pesseries.

Fine. And then, obviously, I go home and I'm like, right, I'll start my course now. I'll take them in the mornings. So I, like, got one out, and I was ready to go the next morning. Because it gets all disturring. so it's better to do it overnight.

Right, but how does it get dischargy? Because I took them orally. Because, wait for this. They, it comes in a, no, no, it comes in a blister pack. It comes in a blisterpacet. Stop, stop, I need a moment. No, because I'm not having to become another hill and hits the self and the stalwart thing.

I need a moment. Helen, have you been to a doctor? No, but I have spoken to some people on Instagram who work in the medical field. How many of the 70s? Four. that's the main stress because it was on the

it was after I'd taken the fourth one I like saw the package I did like a double take and I was like oh my God and I said like do not take orally like 20 times over the package really clearly It presumably also said

Pessori on it Yeah but I don't know what a pestry is I just thought What a fun name for a tablet I thought it was a bit different I thought it was a bit different because usually they're a bit Latining

aren't they But I was like oh that's all right It couldn't say Con Tablet more clearly It could have It really could have It could have been called Bad Tabablet

Also, everyone's like, how did you swallow it? It's like, it's not that big. I thought it was a fun shape. You're so straight. I was a little bit like, oh my God, like, it's fun that it's got like a diamond pointed edge, but I guess it's like take, put that towards the back of the time. Was there no insert device for your, no, no, there was no insert device with it. I just, I'm just, I'm like, and also, sorry, sorry, sorry, what sort of, what sort of woman

gets a blister pack of tablets from boots and goes, oh, I imagine that's a cunt one. I've never in my life. The ones who bought the tablets, the pessori, for her thrush, that woman. So hang on a second. Have you actually managed to deal with the thrush? Do you still have thrush? Okay, not anymore, no. I'm telling you.

Wait a second, didn't cure it. I did. After I realised, I googled it and it said, if you take one by accident, go straight to A&A. But I was in Scandinavia, I don't want to go to another Scandinavian hospital, because I've been there, done that. Like, it wouldn't be a fun new experience, right? You need to have your stomach pumped.

And I had a gig four, four days worth. One day they're like, A&E, four days. And I'm like, I'm fine. But I felt good. So I went for lunch with Evelyn Mock, Sarah Schaefer and Olga Cock. Are these now the names of the Pesseries or are these comedians? Comedians. They're not just in what you named the girls.

I'm glad to you. And all of them were like, what the fuck have you done? But I felt good. I nearly shit myself the following three days. Of course he did. You were full of cream. A very creamy belly. but I don't have thrush anymore

and then also I put the next like two I haven't taken the last one yet so I don't think I need it I'm up my vagina number one careful how you put it up there because my one sort of like latched on as it was going in

onto the wee wee hole and I felt like I scraped it Your wee hole's not on the way in your wee hole is on the way in right what your wee wheel is at the entrance of your vagina yes but not on the walls so when you're going into it

it is on the walls It's like a little like outside of the walls thing You stress me out so much Okay next Wait no because now I'm going to get worried about my body You'll no I know it's fine I've had I've had um What's it called when they put the clamp in the big one

And they get you to put a fist under your bum and cough What's that called? Sexual assault No No what's it called The um Smeer test I've had a smear test so I know it's fine

And I put the pestry up there And how about this for Oh Helen's disgusting because she ate thrush cream. How about why are people putting it up there because you wake up and you feel like you've wet yourself? You do. Yeah, because that's what I was saying.

It's like you take it at night because it sort of discharges. It essentially lets out the medication that is now currently swimming around in your stomach. No, I think it's diffused through to my vagina. Well, the tummy is close to the vagina. Isn't it? It's low down.

How are we 12 minutes into this episode? And I'm exhausted. I'm saying this is a... Time has most all meaning. This is more of a PSA for people listening to this with vaginas who might need. But wait, are you telling me? I am not the only one. There are some people online.

Are you telling me you never rang 1-1-1 or... It actually says... I was in Stockholm. I was looking up the things and it says, please contact your accident and emergency department immediately. Immediately. After one, yeah. But I did feel...

What you're not remembering. So after two, it's fine. Fine. After four, I think I would know by then. I would know by then. Also, I just had a breakfast buffet. Like, I think I was doing fine. As in like, you'd put anything in there.

Just me at the breakfast buffet just swilling orange juice in my vagina. And thrush cream. Is this count as a filtration, get pulp? I don't know. I said that. That was horrible. That was horrible. But what I'm saying is, like, it's an option for treatment.

No, it's not an option for treatment. It's a possibility because I no longer have thrush. which means this weekend I will be swimming and I will get it again. Because you put them in your vagina afterwards that's why. Where are you going this weekend? Paris.

How do I go on this European tour? It's heaven. Paris and Harlem. Who booked all these? Live Nation. Fair fucks Live Nation. But it's booked by Anna. She's a fan of this podcast.

Hi Anna! Hi Anna! Okay first of all Anna, Anna, please can I go? And secondly, while we have your attention and we're just asking for you to book this. And Anna knows who you are

because she books comedy store. Anna, please. Please, I do the comedy store, me nice. Me nice? Me nice. I'm sorry, I'm the one that put the tablet, the vagina tablet in my mouth. I know that. Second thing to say, I was about to help you and now I don't know why I'm doing it.

No, help Helen. Speaking of listeners who could help us, if you work at a big corporation or a place that's having a Christmas party, guess what Helen and I do? We do gigs for corporates. Oh my God. And it occurs to me that. Okay, Catherine does.

I've done one for Kimberly Wals. Welsh of girls allowed releasing a collaboration with Wix. That actually sounds amazing. Yeah, it was life changing. Wix the website or Wix the tool place? The tool place. She was releasing some new paint colours.

I know it's not what you expect. It's not what you expect. But they were doing some paint colours and it was me and I performed to Kimberly Walsh and four of our friends. But I'm just saying you can always email Andrew and he'll pass it on to our agents or you can email our websites.

But yeah, we do, if you in case you're wondering if you want something to host your Christmas party or do a quiz for your Christmas. I would like to do one of Hamleys. I do them at whatever business. No, okay. Well, not whatever business. Spars, like face mask places,

Botox workshops. I'll do the, curly hair salons. Yes, yes. Oh, anywhere that sells like suits that like, like, women wear. I'll do the, no, but we do corporate events is what I'm saying

if you want, um, or corporate gigs. And Helen and I would gladly do one together, I'm sure. I should want to do more. I'm doing more. I'm doing a lot of Christmas quizzes this year, I'm excited. Wait, how many Christmas quizzes are you doing? Well, I mean, so far, one, but I've done one before, and fingers crossed more. Fingers goes more.

We need to organise a Christmas thing for Trustee Hogs this year. We haven't done it. Oh, good point. Is it too early next to September to be discussing this? Well, I went into Tesco's yesterday and they have got Christmas stuff now. Shut the fuck up. Yeah. Well, what I would say is on the 100th episode, we will have a little mini announcement as well.

Yes, yes. In relation to what Helen just said, which we'd already. discussed, but she seems to have forgotten, I guess, a bit like how Pessori's going. You're about. Wait, are we fucking joking. What are we doing? Helen. Why am I not told these things? You are told. You're actively supposed to be helping. Oh yeah, no, I know about that. Oh yeah. No, I will respond to those messages at some point.

What is wrong with you? I thought we'd like book something and no one had told me. But yes, I'm coming to yours that night, right? And you just, shush that. Don't give a spoiler. Okay. Cut that out, Andrew. We're leaving him. Who's to say? For the patrons. Should you bring on our guest?

As if I would let your thrushy content to my bath. Oh, poor Helen. Please welcome to the podcast. It's Tom Ballard. Hello, it's Helen Bauer. Plugging my tour. What are you doing, Helen? I'm plugging my tour.

My new show, Grand Supreme Darling Princess, is on tour at this very moment. I'm in Paris this weekend, I'm in Harlem this weekend, and then I'm going to pool. I've got a week at London at the Soho Theatre from the 25th to the 30th. I'm Brighton, Maidenhead, Manchester, Winchester, Belfast, Cork, Dublin, Leeds, Nottingham. I'm everywhere. I am everywhere. Go onto my website, helenbauer.com, or UK, and please book tickets and bring the coolest, coolest people,

and ideally Disney fans, because it makes such a difference. Love you so much. Good day and welcome to Down Under with Tom Bellot. How's that racism? It's a celebration of the Aussie culture. Oh, it's a tribute, is it? It's a tribute, yeah? You didn't need to black up as well, Helen.

Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. Oh, love Australia. You've got an opera house. You've got that big rock in the middle of it. You know, a country is really pulling at straws when they've got like, we've got a rock in the middle. Does that, is that a thing?

Should we make that one of our UNESCO World Heritage's life? It's a really good rock. It's just a rock. You're just a rock. You didn't go, of course you didn't go. You just did Sydney Purr. No, but I do want to go see that rock. It is extraordinary.

So where is this? It's bang the centre. It's called Uluru. It used to be called Ayers Rock, but that's the Colodiser's name. But Uluru is absolutely fucking stunning. You can't believe it when you see. And there's a town near it called like Alice something. Alice Springs.

Lesbian capital. That's what I was going to say. Hello Alice Springs. Miriam Margulies did a series about she's got Australian citizenship and she drives through Australia and she arrives in Alice Springs and every time she goes through she's like, I don't know how it's going to go with me being a lesbian here. Like I feel a bit.

And then she arrived at Alice Springs and they went, we're all fucking lesbian here! And she was like, no, that can't be right. And then they get out the statistics because they'll see the lesbians got a spreadsheet or something. And it's like the percentage of lesbians are so much higher than anything else. And they've all just gathered in this town called Alice, which makes fucking sense.

Springs, which also makes sense. I forget the story. Maybe there was a commune, a commune movement. You know, lesbians were starting communes like right and so in the 70s. People in Australia. Every creepy podcast I listen to is about an Australian-based commune or cult. Yeah, so I just think there's too much land for people not to be like, let's go into the middle of it and be weird about some guy.

Oh my God, I didn't know anything about this. Have you been part of an Australian? commune? I have not been no myself. I mean, the Melbourne Comedy Festival. There are loads of them, right? Well, I think in the 70s it was like feminists and lesbian and separatist

movements and queer, people saw their own little queer communities and there are few of them still going. There is a place called Fairyland, I believe, in New South Wales, which is just queer. Wait, fairy or fairy? Fairy. Fairy land. Fairy land. I can't do it, but I am thrilled. And this gay man.

I think it's sort of queer, anybody and women and anything in between, right? have you like. Fairland delicious. Great. How are you, Tom Ballard? Good, thank you. How are you?

Good. Are you just done Soho Theatre and the Edinburgh fringe? You're exhausted? I'm deeply exhausted, actually. I also did ketamine in the weekend, so I'm really tired. Oh my gosh. Huge few months. Huge few months.

Wait, Kat's the horse tranquilizer, right? Well, sure. You know, that's one use. What does it make you feel, Kat? You've never done, Kat? I've done, Kat. It was my first drug I did. But I'm not joking.

It was the first one I did when I was 18. and I remember having such a small amount because I remember being told like always start low, you can always take more and I was like I didn't feel anything like nothing. Yeah, we're bigger people like maybe we need a little bit more

That's what I was thinking because like my friends I'd be having the same as them It depends on the size of the horse does it? Yes, I guess so. And I'm like like you know put a battle on me I'm a war horse

Like I'm not on the beach doing rides for kids I'm on the front lines in Afghanistan You're no Shetland pony Yeah, I got you. I'm a little Shetland. Or like an Icelandic pony. Hello. I'm the horse that you're sort of like trying to get the spunk out of

and everyone's like drawing straws or so he gets to milk me. Oh, good God. A real runner. So you did enough Ket to feel something. Well, actually Mushrooms was the main thing on the weekend. Oh, you did admit. Just little mushrooms and just maybe giggle, just enough to just make me laugh by ourselves. What does K-Somen do to you?

Well, I mean, you take too much. Then you can enter the K-Hull, of course, which is sort of no good. What does that mean? Ruben K's gig. Ruben K's gig is named after the experience of having too much ketamine and entering a space in which you feel like you can't get out of it, I suppose, and you're kind of spiraling. Yeah, it's not good.

The K-Hol is no good. But if you take it up, I mean, I'm not recommending endorsing drugs. Oh, we're not endorsing drugs at all. No, no, we're not, of course. And what does it make you feel? And how much is it? It just makes you, my experience is like, tingly and warm and nice and feeling good, yeah. See that sounds nice to me

Because like I still haven't done mushrooms Even remember like I got given a box of them last year And I was like I'm gonna do mushrooms Yes But I never did them And then it was too long when I googled it And they were like they're probably done Like get rid of them

You swallowed thrush medication That was meant to go into your vagina But you wouldn't try a couple of months old mushrooms No because I respect my body You ate four pesseries But you wouldn't give mushrooms a go I didn't eat them I swallowed them

Why does everyone think I keep eating pessori? I got a message to my mum because someone saw it on Instagram being like, my darling, I heard you've eaten a suppository. I was like, how did we get here? Is it still called a suppository if it goes in the vagina? No, that's ass. Yeah, it's a pessori, I think, or a suppository is, it's still...

No, suppository is just for ass. Oh, is it? For shiz. I don't know that you are my authority anymore because you ate pesseries, so... It's hard to take you seriously when you... Do you know what I'm saying? Put the thing for your vagina in your mouth.

Yeah. Yeah. So when do you go to Australia again? The 21st of September. Okay, fabulous. So you're here for the nice part and then you go back for the nice weather there. Barking off.

Yes, and I'm starting getting warm down. It's my friend Libby Denman's Bath Day. What's that? September 21st, Libby Demand's birthday. Do you know her? No, she lives in fleet. She's just a friend of yours. Yeah.

It's nice, isn't it? I think the suppositries kick it in. Happy birthday, Libby. I think they're mixing. Wait, I want to do... Did you Google? Yeah, rectum, vagina or urethra. It's a suppository.

It's just the action rather than the, like, like, yeah. Wait, you can put, uh, support, look, even I know that I would not put anything up my wee-wee-hole. That feels bad. Well, that's too little. They can put stuff up there. Do you want me to Google urethral suppository and see what comes up? Yes, please, because I would love to know what size would be required, because I don't know whether this is a brag, but I've got an incredibly tight urethra.

Oh! Do you want it in food sizes? My urethra is snatched. Andrew needs to give it to you in food sizes like Tic-Tac or lentil I wouldn't get a Tic-Tac up there Meatball It's an Alprostodil

Alprostadil is a urethral suppository It's for erectile dysfunction, fun Oh okay So not for ladies Not for us Okay that feels better Because I was like

I don't know how I'd get that out there Because people do put things up there Men do put things up their urethro Oh do you? Well it sounds like they do for I don't know. Hashtag not all men. Okay, Catherine.

Yes, it sounds like they put it up there you every to try and fix erectile dysfunction. Yeah. That's like medicine's worse. It's a vasodilator, so just like... Somebody told me this horrible story where their friend works in A&E and this guy came in having...

He was... Came in what? Okay. Hey! He's on fire! Catherine, it's banter. You have to high five. Banta.

Binta. Binta. Binta. Binta. Okay. It's got a fear you aunt. Such a silly country. But so listen, he had kept coming in with these infections in his urethra.

So like, and they were like, it's the same guy and it's the same thing every time. And eventually the doctor had to be like, dude, we can keep doing this. But what the hell is going on? Like, you might as well just tell me, like, what's going on? Yes. Because it's not like just like a normal infection. This is like what the hell's gone on? He was like, okay, look.

I take a tube, a silicon tube and a like, what are those called like a one of those things you pour stuff into to infiltrate like a. Colander? Dish. Yeah, I guess basically. And funnel, a funnel. A funnel. A funnel. A funnel.

That's part of the douche. So close. Yeah. And I get, I put out wine. into my urethra for as much as it can take and then I piss that wine essentially back out into the mouth of another guy

oh my god that's so fair and it's like Jesus stuff the doctor was like stop as is the only thing to do but my point is that's kink shaming you should go through different wines and maybe it's some sort of like do you know I mean like a different

fermented wine or something might be yeah Priceco imagine all the bubbles That would take up too much space But anyway, yeah So people can get stuff up there Is what I'm saying All right, I see that story And I raise you this

Come on then Here we go I used to do a bit of stand up about this And it's, yes, it's no good A man Was going into the hospital a regular basis And was having a similar infection In a stoma

Which is a hole on the side of the stomach Once you, you know Stoma bag Some kind of cancer And so had to, yes, had a stoma bag to get ridget of all his waist And it was just constantly getting infected and the doctor said you know what's this just keeps happening what's going on and he said

oh well my my boyfriend um fucks me in my stella and so that's probably every hole's a goal every hole's a goal what do you mean fucks him in the stoma exactly what tom just what do you mean i mean those words and the words that those things mean i mean those things you're saying they unhawk the stomach yeah i guess yes the whole that's left the whole the which comes out of is a sexual hole what Who was that pleasurable for? The guy who's fucking the hole, obviously. But then again, like I said from my old boss, Ben, when I was 15,

you know, this is the thing the hole always enjoys it more than the thing penetrating. Because if you put a finger in your ear and wiggle it around, what feels better, the ear of the finger? Poo. It does. It does. Because he is in a rodentosone.

But the things in the finger and the penis are very different. Yeah, and the stoma is not the same as the ear. When he said it, I was like, you blow my mind. That is such a narrative A bad love. He's not in to fuck you. Yeah, that's just like a bad... No, I was only 15

and he was in his 20s. He couldn't have. Oh my God! Helen, welcome to the fucking harsh world. Welcome. There's so many shift where it was just me and him on duty. Oh my God. Actually, the whole feels better.

So when I fuck you, it's actually for you. It's like... Yes. No matter how bad I am and no matter how much it seems like I'm enjoying it more and you're not getting any pleasure. Actually, the hole is like. enjoying it more.

Even when I just feel like I'm a sock just being pushed like this and I'm just there going yes, I love it and it just feels actually if anything

painful and annoying but I'm loving it and I'm being ungrateful because that's what women are. Whoa, we went dark we're real far. I got another one for you. Medical.

Me too, me too. I've got another one. It's a different kind of medical story. Do you want me to go? Go please. Okay, so I just got told this at the weekend

from, I don't know if she'll want me to tell her name. Anyway, okay, so friend of her literally one of sex, so. No, this is a straight friend. You don't know her. You have a straight friend that's not me.

I keep you apart. Now then, she was, okay, so her friend works with this girl. Okay. This girl went to Turkey for boobs. To be clear, not to have sex with women, but rather to get new boobs. Yeah. And, um, came back. Came back where?

I mean, doesn't work as well, but I was, it doesn't work. It doesn't work. It doesn't work. It was pretty close. Yeah. She came. Yes. Home.

And she, like a week later was having real pain after getting these implants. And she went into the A&A and they were like, have you had any, she's like, I'm getting really bad stomach pains. And they were like, have you had any like changes physically lately? Are you taking any new medication? She was like, oh yeah, I got a boob job in Turkey. And they're like, okay, come through, let's have a look. There are heaps of spiders in the bird. Then she put back on her clothes and they were like, do you?

know why you're scar is so low. Have they taken out something? A kidney. They took her fucking kidney. This is the second one of these I've heard recently. No. I'm not joking.

The old switcheroo! They took her fucking kidney. I've heard one right now. And they didn't even put it in the boobs. They fucking talk it. This is awful. I hope this person's okay. Me too. They're not.

She's not. But this is one of an amazing rack. No, okay. She's not. do need kidneys, eh? But you have to pick in life good tits or one kidney down.

Isn't that insane? I'd give up like a spakeer, do you need your spleen? Which one don't you need? No, spleen feels like appendix, appendix. And gallbladder, can you get rid of a gallbladder? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think that one you can just go rid of it up too. You can get rid of, yeah, something. And also, that's crazy? That's great. They took her kidney. They took her fucking kidney. And then they just popped her on a plane and went, see you.

did they have a nice time in Turkey there? I didn't get the details of the whole trip because if you're flying all that way do you know what you'd want to go for a week's holiday before boom job and I hope she did

I hope she did you'd want a tan yeah have you seen the breasts um no this is a friend of a friend who works with this person so it didn't seem

with the right time to ask for a picture maybe we could get some photos I would love to see some now obviously it's been some time so fingers crossed and listen I gave it a shout out on the podcast so I think we if anything should be

Shout out. Good luck with your nun for a kidney. Now you. Well, that's a tough one to follow there, I think. But the other one, and this could be apocryphal. This came from a doctor friend, but I'm pretty sure that's right. Breadding, you're familiar with the practice of breading? Nope.

I like Brad. Man is coming into the doctor and getting maybe something, something like food poisoning of some kind again, like just having a recurring problem. Uh-huh. And they said, what's going on? And he said, well, I do breading. What is breading? You're fucking perverts.

It's when you fuck a loaf of bread. It's when you get a loaf of bread and you go to a beet, like a gay location. Wait, wait, wait. A gay location is called a beat. Like, a beat is where men meet for sex. Gay men meet to sex, like a public toilet or whatever. Right, right, right, right, right.

A beat. I never had that word before. Maybe there's a different term here, but yeah. And they would take the bread and they would use the bread to mop up the mess of the men. Seamen. Yep. Yeah.

And they eat the bread. And that's breading. Why? They get off on it. Does it taste good? They're king. I'm sure it's not for the taste. No.

It's not for the taste. What? Then why are you doing some delicious bread? Well, Kahn doesn't taste great in general. I haven't had it. It's more the texture for me than the taste. They're not, I don't think they're getting a knife and spreading. I think it's the mopping up and the generacy of the practice.

The what? The degeneracy. The degeneracy. The degeneracy. I'd always, I think Lurpack is what, like butter or something I'd rather. Andrew, why are you doing that for? Yeah, Andrew, why are you doing that? I'm not at the moment.

I'm on a carb cut out. Please tell me you're using my Vita. Like Andrew's just crisp, bedding up. Just a letter's leave. I'll just have mine on a cough leave, please. It's incredible, isn't it? Gay men's two favorite things. Carbon, like, avoiding carbs.

Yeah. It's like a real dichotomy, you know? The fuck is wrong with you. I don't do it. For giving it a go because I love it. Do they use any specific sort of bread or is it just like, Hobart? I think it must be Saturday.

Like if a catcher would like, yeah, Saturday would make sense. If you're not, like, if the topping's bad, you at least want a solid base. Like you guys never wonder what kind of. Here's my question. Okay, I actually feel sick now. I'm picturing it.

I'm picturing it. And because you said public toilet is a possible beat, it's like, is it coming off the floor? Is it coming off the low? Well, it depends on where they come. I mean, ideally on the body. the body's cleaner than the toilet floor

at that point now. What are you doing? Lads! Lads! Let's all have sex in our flats. Let's all wins, Catherine, okay? This is part of our culture. Love is love. Love is love. I mean, of all the sex and practice is not hurting anyone. That was giving him... It is hurting someone. That man's going into the health that cares. It's a waste of everybody's time. He did the drain on the NHS, yeah, that's true. I love it if Breeding is a significant train. I got a theory, it's just come to me, I think either you have these medical... Come where?

Yes! I think... Let's, let's, let's, let's. I think either you have medical stories or you live them. And I've realized I don't have a single medical story for you guys. I think I live the experience.

Yeah, well, because, yeah, you ate three pestries, four pessaries this week. Yeah. And then the egg thing. Yeah. And then like, yeah, I think it's been, a series of things where I'm like maybe that's just me. Maybe I'll be someone

else's podcast story. Undoubtedly. Or ours. We were talking about this outside and I said you didn't read the packet Helen? She said well you know it would be for chemo or something I might have given it a skim. Yeah! If it was an important medication I would have read it but for like for a bit of yeast in the vagina. There's a lot of things more important than the health of my vagina.

Not for you there shouldn't be. For sure. Why? I would say for me health of my body especially the good bits. pretty vital. What are the most important parts of your body? For me, personally. Vagina. Brain.

Brain. No, I'd have said, oh God, I'm such a basic, I'd have said vagina, face. Face, face, that famous medical problem. The face. No, but in terms of like what I want to be well,

vagina, face, teeth, tits, no, ass tits, brain. Wow. Ass is above brain. You're not even going to have heart you're not even going to consider the heart. Hands, well, heart, then after hands.

You know, those other bits are quite relying on the brain it's quite important yeah listen of course but like come on okay number one brain number two heart number three lungs which is mad because I smoke but I did quit for six days that's good so it's in me yep I can do it um I didn't know that you can't then I don't know boobs boobs I had a boob scare once but it turns out it was just a spider bite but that did frighten me and did a whole bunch of spiders come out of it no but that would have been so fucking sick I know I know because I had of those spider babies last year that um I grew.

That's the no. You buy the babies. I don't like it. There was a spider's nest on my parasol. And I just let it be there. And then one morning they were all like Charlotte's verb like salutation. Like all flying. It was so cute.

Thank you, Helen. Thank you. We love you. Goodbye friends. Goodbye now. I'm so arachnophobic. I hate it. They were only so little.

I hated. Hey, Tom. What kind of advice giver are you? I try to be honest with my advice. and try and help people where I can. My life's perfect, so obviously I should share that wisdom. That makes it so much easier. Okay, great.

How can your life be perfect when you're part of a community that eat bread soaked and calm? That waste, good fucking bread. We're not kingshaming. But we are a waste of food. But there's got to be alive at some point. I would say A, I am king shaming. And B, yeah, that's a waste of good bread.

Some of us are allergic to bread. We'd love to be having bread and you're wasting. Surely there's a gluten. and free community that are breading. You should make your own, if you've got to go breading, make your own bread. Okay, we all learned how to do it during the pandemic, make your own bread, take it out there, get the giz involved, bread up.

Can I make a suggestion for the community? Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! There's my advice. Stop it! Banana bread. Oh yeah. Because it sort of brings its own flavor. Because it's for banana. Oh, but also because

banana bread, isn't like... Oh, yes, very droll. Nice. Very droll. Yeah. Banana, because then you're bringing a flavor to the That's nice, that's good. Very nice. Could you do pineapple bread? Is that the thing?

Just because pineapple... Makes it taste better. Very funny, Andrew. Bread pudding. I mean, basically, you're halfway there. Oh, no, because now you've made it wet again. I don't know if you know this, but every week I have to fight with YouTube to prove that our videos are suitable for advertisers. Not this week.

Not this week. Don't fight for it. You know what, everyone? You don't have to be a patron this week. Enjoy our ad-free content. We're going to be a patron. me aren't free, baby. In a bread company.

Well, I was going to say, what about a bread making machine, bread maker? Sunbeam. Yeah. Bread, bread makers, flour providers, um, butter. I'd advertise butter. People would be thrilled to hear of it. Wait till the gay boys find out about butter. I can't believe it's not butter.

It's just. Slurp pack. Hey. Oh, no. Catherine, that's actually not cool. Yeah, Catherine, that's too far. That's you. You're a welcome.

Can you have some dignity? Oh my God. Okay, so we usually get listener problems. Andrew, do we have any today? We do. We have several. Fabulous. I feel so much more sick than I do when I realized I had four portions.

Genuily nauseous. Don't say portions. Four portions of cream in my belly. I feel worse now than when I found that. Don't say portions. Slices. Don't say portions. Okay.

Slices. This problem is going to be so sincere now and we're going to have to pivot so immensely. Okay, pivot. Everyone pivot. We're ready. This is from a poor young gay boy and I don't know if I want to put him after everything.

Bring him in. Bring him into our world. This is from F. Hi, F. Welcome. As a bit of background, I 17M have a few groups of friends but in almost all of them, I'm the only one that's never been in any form of relationship or even kiss someone before.

Preach. In the group that I hang around with the most, there's around 10 of us who've been friends for around four and a half years. They all know each other longer, but I kind of joined them after being ditched by some past friends. Anyway, we have two couples in the group

who were friends first. This is all backstery you're going to need because a few weeks ago, more of the people in the group have started getting together, making my persona as the single one even more cemented. I am now the only person not in a relationship.

Some relationships are also intra-French group. Not long after this. I made the tragic mistake of watching Heart Stopper season two. Oh, God, we've all done it, we've all done it, we've all done it, we've all done it. Twice in one week, don't judge me. Oh, no, earth. Yeah.

I really like a line that we'll get to a lot about this, go on. In this series, Nick and Charlie have such a cute relationship, but since it's never been, I've since I've been a one, it's left me wondering if it's even possible, or if that's just a Netflix fairy tale. Not only that, but it's left me feeling, um, it must be feeling like, even if it is possible,

I feel like it won't be possible for me. I really don't know what to do about this feeling and I feel like I can't talk to my friends about it as they just pity me as the lonely one any advice or thoughts much welcome Can I say something? Yeah I had my first kiss when I was 19

I've had so many relationships and I literally don't think anybody locked at me until then and I had this feeling of like oh God no one will ever will fancy me first of all can I just say you're 17 my sweet angel love you're 17. That is so young.

But also that's so young. You've only just, you're only just starting to meet people. Never mind, like, like, I think also, can I just say, the people you should be pitying or the people who are dating,

people they know when they're 17. Every one of them's going to regret every one of those relationships and you don't have to have that level of shame. It's amazing that you have, like, you're in an opportunity to watch people going through these first relationships as well.

You can learn so much from watching people do them. Yeah, but in hard stop, we're sorry. The basic line is that you could have a boyfriend if you wanted a boyfriend. Like, you can have a partner. I could have a boyfriend next week if I wanted a boyfriend.

You just go out with the first person that's interested. But the fact that you don't want to do that is also fucking amazing. Because there's no point. Like, we've all dated someone for, like, because you're like, oh, I think I should, but you're genuinely not interested in it.

You just feel like you're left out if you don't. But it's so miserable and it's not fair on that person either. Like, just sit back and watch it all crumble into the shit and he'll come running to you. Honestly, it's going to be the most amazing film you'll ever watch as the next three years of your life.

They're all playing with fire as well, dating friends. That's crazy. Good luck to the friendship group. Also, in Hard Stopper, season two, regardless of his being ace or not, I love the character whose name is...

Oh, he's played by Toby Donovan. His name is... Charlie or Nick? No, no, no, no. The bookworm. Oh, the asexual. Yeah. Yeah.

The point is that he says, I think what is such a fucking vital No, but what a crazy Australian guest Jared? Jared? No one to hear what it's called out. Jared! No, no. I can say with certainty it's not it's not that.

Bruce. Bruce? Was it Bruce? Bruce? Bruce. Jared? No. And it's also not like Korn muck or mehole. But... What the fuck was that? I'm like, we're just getting Irish. I was doing. Isaac. Oh, okay. Isaac. That's pretty close. Jared. It's not even kind of.

It feels biblical. No, get out of here. Well, listen, he says this thing, which I think is really interesting. He comes back from this hang with this boy, and they're all like, did he kiss? Did you like it? And he's just like, shut the fuck up. I am an interesting person. And the fact that you guys don't find my life fascinating just because I don't have somebody

to tell you I kissed is so shit and bad friendship. So I doubt that your friends are doing that. But if they are, it's okay to remind them that you and your life are fascinating. And I'm guilty of it, right? like I am guilty of always asking my single friends like oh I see love life but like it's good to remind yourself also if you're in a relationship not to do that to every single fucking time to your single friends because their life's also valid

and very fucking interesting without all that and that's crucial right like you and this is a lesson that I've had to learn a million times and we'll keep forgetting but you have to be able to be happy not in a relationship right like you have to be able to love your life and yourself and being in a relationship is amazing and it can be an incredible part of the human experience and it's wonderful but you have to you know you have to be able to imagine your life being happy without a partner like that's crucial and not do that bullshit cliche thing too oh here we go certainly when i got to that place recently just before i met my my partner i'm with

now i was i had sort of just having freaked out a lot about not being in a relationship for a long time was just sort of like putting that to one side and just trying to be happy and living my life and then that's when he came along okay a someone He's 32 and hasn't been looking for many years and still no one's shown up. Let me be fucking honest with you. What you're going to want to do is you're going to feel awkward about never having a partner

and not having a partner at the moment. In the next six months, you start wanting to introduce the idea of a boyfriend who lives in our equivalent of Canada, which for us, sadly, is Plymouth. Now, what you're going to do is you're going to meet him on a weekend away. You're going to wait for that weekend away to come.

It might be with your family. You might go by yourself. Catherine, the invention of a fake boyfriend is a tale as old as time. Elizabeth the first did it. Not to be rude, but it's not that embarrassing not to have a boyfriend at 17. It's so humiliating.

Go to Plymouth, make up a love story. Now, do not fake pictures, do not make a fake profile, because that's when it starts going mental, okay? It's suggestions, it's fun, and you chat with people, and you know what, you might meet someone in Plymouth. If you need to pretend that you've kissed

and made out with someone or lost your virginity, follow your fucking dreams. It'll be a funny story. story later that you faked it. Do none of this. It's completely normal not to have a relationship at 17. No, you must go to France. No.

And here's the shortcut. If you get to like in mid-20s and you're like, oh no, I really would like someone, but I feel like nothing's happening for me. Move abroad. Your accent will be charming. That, I will say that. That does work.

But I will also say that Helen did recently swallow something that was supposed to go up a vagina. So please keep that in mind. How is that linked? during your... How was that linked to dating as a sound of her advice? And she also ate a pecery, am I right?

Yay! Swallowing. Any other problems? Yeah, like, do you want to look to more problems? Yeah. Yes, but I do you think my option is balanced. Sorry, we've never had a guess so far

being like, next. Nailed it. Next. Any other problems? I know, that's the peak. Next. We shut on hell and like next. Done.

Next. It's good broadcasting. Next, Jared. Jared. Bruce, next problem Would you like a different friendship problem or a sweaty problem? Sweaty, because I'm literally like dripping right now.

It's very warm in here. It's so warm. Let's have it. Hello, Hoggies. Don't antipersprone under your breasts. Is that the one? What? No, no, no, never mind.

Just sometimes people antipersprone with their breasts and it closes up your semi-permibor membrane and it's not good for your babies. Oh. Wow. That's all right. Hello, Hoggies.

just to start with the usual pleasant trees. What's your semi-permeable membrane? Like skin is a semi-permeable membrane, a leaf is a semi-permeable membrane. Like anything... Is that leaves under there? No, just anything that has like... That is a solid,

but can absorb. Is this... I did biology for GCSEA. Mm-hmm. A semi-permeable membrane. And then like... So that your skin is a solid. But why is it fine to put diogen

under your armpits, but not under your tides? It's antipersprin. Because antiperspirant clogs up your pores. And you need them to be able to... But what's wrong with antipersprosprin? They are not under your armpits. Anti-Persprospron, also not under your armpits, but definitely not under your babies.

Right. Well, where do you put Andy... Yeah. Never, you never use it. It closes up your semi-permable membrane. It's actually a suppository. Yeah. I know I'm...

Am I right? I will find out, hang on. Is anti... Your armpits are going to fall off. Okay. Don't honestly take your medical advice from me. All this talk about your breasts and your armpits is giving me a semi-permeal membrane. Is that a bonus?

Like a semi? Yeah, I'll take it. I'll take it. I'll take it. It's good stuff. That's like my first semi I've given in like months. Enjoy. Thanks, mate.

How do you know? You're right, actually. Sometimes it's hard to tell. I saw your show at Edinburgh. There are a few fellas there. Oh my God, don't. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Big time.

Like shifting in their seats. I was after Helen's show at Edinburgh at the Monkey Barrel. And there are a few days. Slow walks out The ranch walk The ranch walk Here come the cowboys Not always from boners

Often from just being uncomfortable It's screened up for that long Antipersprits seem to be The only sort of anti-pospirate stuff I can find Is people sort of decrying All chemicals on our bodies So Aluminium

That's if you're going for a mammogram It says here Don't wear aluminium Antipusprint if you're going for a mammogram But otherwise it seems quite safe No, this is, this is Google, this is Elon Musk. This is Elon Musk doing that. This is the NHS website.

It's the NHS website. Aluminium, look in your deodorants and your antiperspirants and they've got aluminium in them. I say aluminium. What do you say? Aluminium, yeah. Aluminium. American say aluminum.

We say aluminium. What a fun moment. I thought it was illuminating. Andrew, write that down. That could be a clip. How do you say aluminum? Aluminium. Yeah, we all say aluminium.

Okay. Bit of fun. I'm so sorry. No, not the middle finger. Oh, no. Andrew next. Next. This is from A.

Hi, A. Hello, Hoggy. Just to start with the usual pleasantries, you've been the soundtrack to my life for over a year now. I think it's fair to attribute both finishing my PhD and my inability to stop speaking like Helen to your podcast. Oh, cutey. With PhD.

are listening to this? Yeah, those people have nothing else to do. She said she finished the PhD whether she received the PhD maybe is... Also, she probably finished it because she probably tricked herself

by being like, I can't stop listening to these screaming women until I get it done and then I was like, okay, let's go. I hope it's got loads of words that end an E in it.

This is my PhD. I've got a PhD. Do you? Pretty huge dick. Hey. No. I feel bad about how much. I've got a ph-ph-lm, pretty huge labia menorah.

Like the lip. Go on. You actually have a pH imbalance if you have thrush. There you go. I don't have that, really? Well, so you say. I'm going to skip to the issue. No, no, compliment.

We'll be good, we'll be quiet. It's reached a point where my boyfriend pays for my Patreon membership with the understanding that I'll try to stop calling it my favourite podcast. body around him. Feminism! Yes! Feminism! Yes! He should be paying for your patron.

All y'all should get your boyfriends to pay for your patron. That's amazing. Very few of our female listeners have boyfriends, baby girls. This is actually a neutral name, so it could potentially be a gay man. Well, okay, still feminism.

Still. Nevertheless, feminism. Patriarchy. Can we say it's fighting the patriarchy? Sure. Patriarchy. It's where your boyfriend pays for your Patreon. Nice. That's nice. Very good. We are so close to 1,000 patrons, by the way. Woo! Come on, baby!

Please join us. My issue is that I'm a sweaty babe. I've been on antidepressants for a couple of years now. And almost read that as antipospirants. And the main side effect is how much I now sweat. I'm not bothered day to day, but I started going to the gym at the start of the year. And despite assuming this would be the number one place to sweat in in peace, it turns out it's where I feel the most self-conscious. Between trainers telling me to sit things out

because I look like I'm struggling with this or telling me this shouldn't be making you break a sweat, it's just a warm up, or people pointing out when I sweat through my leggings, it's just not ideal. Wait, stop, I know exactly, because I've only just started sweating at this recently, but I now sweat in a way that it makes it look like I piss myself.

That's exactly what I've done. It's awful. I sweated through my leggings looking like I've wet myself. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I've been there. Like, yes, I am dripping Niagara Falls of Sweat right now, but I'm fine and ready to wipe everything down. Leave me in peace. You could bread it up if you want. No, no, no, no, no.

Mike, we're just going to quickly address that one there. Do not bread it up. Continue, Andrew. What do you how, insane. It's absolutely insane. No bread, no workout. Your culture is disgusting. Be respectful.

I know Catherine, I know Catherine is being, mentioned being on antidepressants and going to the gym. so I was wondering if she had any strategies and I know Helen is also a sweaty babe so this feels like a perfect blend for the two of you don't go to the gym but do you take antidepressants I would say that my medication makes me sweat so so so much and I get really self-conscious about it and that the biggest time I get at our twofold

one at the gym and two at night and it always makes me really embarrassed with new partners because I'll often be like very sweaty like I can like it's really horrible and I feel really embarrassed about it and I recently got I got this gift I basically

there was this challenge at the gym where like if you did all these classes you won a We all remember your start chart progress You won as like a sweaty betty gift card to get and I was like I'm going to treat myself and get some new leggings

and it's the first time I ever didn't buy black leggings which I always buy usually because of my sweat and I bought brown and I wore them once once because in the class I looked exactly like that like I had like my orders had broken and I was like fuck this is awful and I'm always so embarrassed

that anybody would see my like before I wiped down the thing I'm like quick quick because like I got off the machine this morning and like you could see my entire vagina like a whole body print and it was like a potato stamp but for cunt and I was like sweet Jesus but the reality is this everybody in the room at the gym has something going on somebody's like oh god I stink I must stink I must think somebody else is like I hate my body I hate my body somebody else is like I don't know how to use this machine on the whole people are paying attention

largely to themselves second thing is if I were that if I were you and that instructor did that I would just like sidebar with them and be like hey I'm on a medication that makes me sweat I genuinely can do this workout I don't need to sit out I promise I will if I need to and make that their problem

because it's really rude of them to do that and then like the fucking gym is where you're meant to sweat it's absolutely fine to wipe things down if you want to bring around like another cloth one for you, one for the benches by all means do. But largely I'm like if anyone's judging you for that, that's on them.

But it's completely, it's like nothing we can do about it. Do you not think it'd be easier just to like make a big like pratfall whenever you walk into the gym and you spill a whole bottle of water over you? So then you look wet, it's just an accident. I always think honestly. Just always enter with a big like, whoa! No, but can I also just be like, who the fuck

are these people at the gym who aren't sweating? These women who like wear full jewelry. Do you know those? You're like, no. or full makeup, I'm like, no, that's not what this is. I always honestly assume those people aren't working very hard. Well, I'm always embarrassed if I'm not sweating at the gym. That I feel like, what the hell do I do? But I think in terms of solutions, it's like I wear black at the gym.

Black or white, they tend to show it less. And I bring a cloth with me for me and for that, for the machines. And after that, I would tell that instructor, you got it and you can take yourself out if you need to. And then I'd be like, fuck this. If I can't sweat here, where the fuck can I? Do doctors give you a heads up when you prescribe you medication and that's the side of it?

I got prescribed it like five years ago and I do not remember. But also like but also try finding antidepressant where the side effects aren't like you'll, hey you might sweat or might not sweat you might gain weight or lose weight.

You might have nightmares or you might not. You probably feel suicidal but then better. You may and we not get headaches all the time. You may or may not experience nausea all the time. You may or may not have like increased memory loss so it's like you're like honestly they're reaming so many

facts at you and you're like... Also you've got to be on the medication you've got to be on like it's just sweat it is just sweat do you only mean it's like what's more embarrassing sweating at the gym or being like screaming in the street I don't know like I think I choose for now sweating at the gym. How do you avoid sweat marks just like gym naked? Oh no like I don't I think white or black

and do you mean on your clothes? Like nobody's like going to the gym naked. I don't think any gym would accept that even at sweatbox the gay sauna around the corner um where? I don't go up to Soho Theatre. Yeah.

I didn't know that was a bakery. Huh? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, God. It's not a good feeling. If I see a man walking into that now with a bag of hovers,

I'm going to be sad. I was going to say, that's fully naked every floor, but they have a gym room and there's, like, very explicit things that's, like, must wear clothes at the gym. I don't think naked jimming is an option. And would we want it to be?

Yes. No. Like the, like, because traditionally sports were naked, like in Olympics in Greece, and everyone would compete naked. But remember that sign for the episodes? Hello? Come on. Yeah, you know, that's a very good point. Yes, it's hard to imagine all that, like discus and everything.

But, you know, a Seinfeld episode about this good naked and bad naked, I feel like working out and pumping steel, but it might be pretty bad naked. Oh, bad naked. blocks would be bad. Yikes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. God, I think just sweat and, like, you're going to, like, it feels like a thing at the moment that people are looking at and you feel self-conscious about, but it's amazing what you're

not self-conscious about with a bit of time. Well, but Catherine's so right, and clearly this person has a pretty good sense of themselves and is, like, happy to be like, you know, I take this medication, that's fine, you have nothing to be ashamed of. So, yeah, sometimes he's got to confront it face on and say, I'm on this medication. It makes me sweat a lot. Let's crack off. Yeah, I really do agree.

I just, like, what else can you do? We can't just... You can't stop sweating. Like, I've always like, oh, just have a fan and have a cool drink of water. It's like, no, no, I'm sweating. Like, there's no, like, a bit amount of, like, a fan, like a little fan on me that's going to stop it completely. And you also can't not participate in the world because of, like, that's what makes people

depressed. Like, exercise is good for your depression. Being amongst people is good for your depression. You're doing all the right things. Fair fuck to you. Also, like, anyone who goes to the gym, I've got it. I've got it. Oh, okay. Quit the gym.

Water aerobics. Stop questing if you're in the water. I knew I'd get there. That's good. It's not a bad plan. Is the person 84? No. It's also young people with injuries.

Is the person 84 or recovering from a car crash? It doesn't say, but I don't think so. Then I think stick with the gym. Something to consider. They're all good options. Swimming generally, though. Swimming is a swimming, yeah. Good, good way to keep fit and stay cool.

No, the answer to this person is not hide in the water, you little freak. Hide in the water, your little freak. That's what we're saying. I still think the pratfall is just also an option. Like, every time though. Just like, well, like, no, it can be like, you can be drinking and pour it on your crotch. But are they naked while they're doing the pretfall as well? No, clothes.

Oh, clothes. Oh, close. Okay, yeah. Closed. Just before we wrap this up, I am selling a pair of. brown, sweaty, beckons. Once worn, I can wash them

or not, depending on the price. Let me know on Instagram. Okay, great. How's stretchy are they? Do you reckon I could get into them? Because I could wear one for an episode. Like a...

Yeah, yes, that's what I won. I could wear them for an episode so we could see and we could take down sweaty Betty. Unless you want us for corporates. The saddest short story ever written, brown pants, worn ones. I love sweaty,

Betty, by the way, I genuinely, I just need to stick to the black stamp. Hey, Tom Ballard. Hey. Where the hell can people find you? What can they listen to you on? Where can they watch you? When can they see you live?

Tell us everything. Everything, though. Everything. People can go to my website, tombella.com. com. If they're in Australia, I'm doing... Not a.u? Is that spelled?

E-U-E-E? A-U, that's fine. I'm touring my show yes-no around Australia in September and October. It's a comedy lecture about... Australia's referendum process. Oh, and he's good. He's so good. If you haven't seen him, Ozzie, you should go see him because he's freaking great.

He's so smart and funny. And if you're in Australia, you can see my special Enough on Paramount Plus. Yes, Paramount Plus. Which everyone has and loves and watches. Everyone, if you don't have Paramount Plus, what are you doing with your What are you doing? Come on. You have to have it.

Me and my housemate actually had it for quite a long time, Paramount Plus, because he watched Yellowstone on it. Oh yeah. And it was coming free for a subscription on the side of a pack of crisps. Oh my God.

Yeah. I bought a pack of, I think it was like kettle chips. Whoa, really? And there was on the side it was like a free Paramount Plus where I left out for Sinelli

because he loves his subscription services. And then he signed up to it. Yeah. And then we just kept buying crisps. Yeah. The other thing people might like is Deadlock a TV show that I'm on Prime Video.

I think you guys might like that too if you get a chance. It was written by the Kate's heaps of lesbians. in it. Oh my God, yes, please. And it's like funny broad church. It's like a real murder mystery thing, but actual crime. It's called Deadlock. It's on Prime Video. I play

Sven in it. It's very good. Oh my God, can't wait to watch. Wait, I want to watch this. Deadlock. Prime... Prime... Let's have a viewing party. You break that down for Helen to remember. Let's have a viewing party. I'd love that. Do you don't come over tonight? Um, no. No, no, no, no. I don't. I don't at all, actually.

Um... Is the Neil's out until 10.30? Also, sorry, you've just reminded me that next week I think on the 18th of September juice drops Mouan

Rose Juan's new series and I have a teeny tiny part in it I can now say woohoo and I have seen a picture of Catherine in the

makeup show when you were filming it and holy shit it's intense but yeah if you get a chance to give it a watch all very exciting

and I'm on tour yeah okay all right and at the Soho Theatre at the end of September why am I replacing you at the Woolwich Words and Sounds Festival

That's a question. Why? You were going to do that and I'm doing it now. On Wednesday? Tomorrow night, yeah. I'm filming a TV show. Thank you so much for replacing me.

Well, you're very welcome. I was really gushed as well because I haven't explored that part of Woolwich that well as far as Pokemon stops and gyms go and it's right by the river. It's very beautiful. How do you feel about being a replacement talent?

I feel like... I appreciate it. I was just as big and loud. So I feel like that sort of... Great. We definitely do so. feel the same space. When every now and again,

because my show was just before Tom's, like the audience be going out. They'd be like, oh, I'll be back in here in a minute. I'm watching Tom. That's the duo no one needs. And also, like, our room was like boiling because the show on before me

did not have aircon or fans because of climate change. So it was just like, and me and Tom, we don't make the space easier for people to be in a minute or more. So funny. Yeah, that's like a headbutt of a double. that's crazy.

When people came out and they were like oh I'm going to be better and I wish you well and I really wish you will. Like that's a special level of mental illness to want to see both of us

one after the other Oh behave yourself No but it is No maybe they're just like hard of hearing and didn't think it'll be so bad Can you say that? Yeah

Okay You can say it But it is rude It's rude to us Because we're very talented All right yeah And loudly Follow all of us online

We'll be tagging Tom and everything Instagram TikTok, Facebook, X. X. Threads. Grindrinder. Grindr. No. One last high-five for the girls.

And I'm on Hinge. And I'm on Hinge. Are you? Well, it's pause because of due to inactivity. All right. Okay. She's on there every day. Guys, have a lovely week.

Bye. Thrive. Thrive. Thrive. Thank you so much to our executive Producers, we don't know where we'd be without you. Guy Goodman, Simon, Moors, Mary Fox, Annie Tonner, Sarah Harcay

Deacon, Oliver Jago, Anthony Conway and Matthew Thomas, we are so grateful. We're so grateful. I feel so panicked right now because of Trusty Hogg's memes. Why? Have you seen the video they put up of, like, you doing thank you for the, and thank you to the patrons? No. Andrew's a donkey

being really good, and I'm, no I'm not going to say anything. You finish your list. I'm going to see it quietly, then I'm going to show you the video. Oh, I'm done with my execs. It's your turn. to do the producers. Thank you to our producers, done professionally by me, with permission to speak from Catherine. Thank you, Richard Bicknell L, Richard Bold, Neil Redmond, Victoria Hutchinson, Emma Walton, Harold Van Dyke, Tim and Dom, David Walker, Rachel R, Sadie Cashmore, Claire Owen Jones, Jess and Nick, I'm doing so well with these names, Zoe, Sarah and Molly,

who are currently on Rotnest Island, enjoy Perth. Enjoy Perth. Ria Fink, Cordelia, Rachel Page, Helen A, Tina Lindsay, Graham Marsh, Amy O'Reardon, Abby Wharf. Which one is it? Is it Kyle Key? I can't do this again? Key, Key, Key Webb. I didn't say it wrong, I just asked, so that's still perfect. Matt Sims, Luke Bright, Leah, Kate Spencer, Tristan, Liz Fort, Taz, Taz, Clow, Becky Fox, Amy, Emily G, Alex McPew. That's great. Dean Michael McBew. Dean Michael,

Glenys Wood. Oh, come on, Stephanie. Give me a break. Stephanie. She said you can do Steffi if that's easier. I don't have a problem pronouncing Stephanie. It's a second name. Come on.

Stephanie Katrakia. Cat Rachia, yeah. Katrachia. Give me a break. Come on, Stephanie. Give me a break. Sophie shivers. Andrew's like, Stratrache.

Steffy as if that's the... Yeah, Steffy. If you can't do Stephanie... It's just Steffy. Sophie, Chivers, Mark, and Anthony. Almost a clear streak. One more time. Key web.

I thought you were going to say one more time the whole thing. I thought you were going to... Key web. No, but now I'm going to... Everyone's go on Trusty Hogg's memes now and look at this video. And I'm going to show you.