Trusty Hogs - NISH KUMAR / LIVE @ Edinburgh Fringe 2022

Episode Date: August 17, 2023

Nish Kumar joins us live from the 2022 Edinburgh Fringe on his BIRTHDAY to keep you entertained whilst Catherine, Helen & Andrew are away at the 2023 Fringe! This was such a fun and special live recording, recorded at the lovely Monkey Barrel right towards the end of last year's festival. In particular in the Hogs Universe timeline, we hear the origins of Catherine's current relationship...(Recorded: 25th August 2022)TRUSTY HOGS LIVE (NOV 5th 2023): https://www.designmynight.com/london/pubs/balham/the-bedford/cheerful-earful-podcast-festival-day-6?t=tickets Thank you so much for listening!Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Guy Goodman / Simon Moores / Mary Fox / Annie Tonner / Sarah Jarque-Deakin / Oliver Jago / Anthony Conway / Matthew ThomasPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Harald van Dijk / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Sarah & Molly / Raia Fink / Cordelia / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Graham Marsh / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Kie Web / Matt Sims / Luke Bright / Leah / Kate Spencer / Tristin / Liz Fort / Taz / Klo / Becky Fox / Amie / Emily Gee / Alex McPugh / Dean Michael / Glenys Wood / Stefanie Catracchia / Sophie Chivers / Marc With Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Go back to school deliciously with Whole Foods Market. Wake up with low-priced 365 by Whole Foods Market protein waffles and breakfast burritos. Prep lunch boxes quickly with 365 brand juice boxes, crackers, dried fruit and more. And look for sales on no antibiotics ever ground beef and chicken breasts that make meal prep a breeze. Shop best in class fines for back to school at Whole Foods Market, in store and online. With so many options, why choose Arizona State University? For me, the only online option was ASU because of the quality. Their faculty was really involved with their students and care about your personal journey.

The dedication to my personal development from my professors, that's been extremely valuable to me. Earn your degree from the nation's most innovative university. Online. That's a degree better. Explore more than 350 plus undergraduate, graduate and certificate programs at ASUonline. www.asu.edu. Thank you, Rusty House. Hello.

Hi. Hello. This is so cool, isn't it? This is so cool. Hi. Because we've done this once before, but Catherine was six. So this is amazing. I was six.

Yeah, no, COVID. Like that exists. No, it does. It does. It does. Hello. How are you, all are you well? Good.

Welcome to this, a live version of Trusty Howl, the podcast where we talk about what, Helen? Us, ourselves. Yes, because our lives are? Thriving. Yes, and then we will have a guest on. Hi, Adele. Okay.

Stop saying hello evening. Catherine's old house, mate. We can't say that. What's up? Okay, we're focusing? I'm focused. I'm focused. Okay.

I had like three super sugary ciders and I feel fucking littered shit. Okay. And then also, like, I like doubled down from hay fever tablets because I forgot I took one. No, I know. Remember what we said?

Set up the podcast before we chat. All right. And then we're going to bring on our guest. And then what are we going to do? Answer a list of questions. Are we doing that on stage? Yeah. A listener problem?

Yeah. Given what happened last time. You are not allowed to lead it or say Salman Rushdie. For anyone who isn't aware, at this time last week, I discovered on stage that Sam and Rushdie wasn't just the man who made a cameo in Bridget Jones diary. But he's also alive. He lives on. Yay!

I don't even know he's a good guy. Should you ever be sharing? Okay, yay! Helen, what's wrong with your bra? It smells like egg. Why? Because for anyone who has seen my show, thank you so much for coming.

Who anyone has it, I keep a boiled egg in it, peeled for 50 minutes. And don't look disgusted in, your friend. Look at me with respect. Also, that's not the way. Are you coming tomorrow? Spoilers.

Spoiler alert, there's an egg in my bra the whole time. She eats it. And then she eats it. I keep it here and now because of it it's turned yellow. And I know like you're supposed to wash a bra but you're not supposed to. Yes, you are. Show them.

No, for the old, do you wait. They didn't see. You are supposed to wash your bras. Why have you not been washing your bra? Oh my God, stop it. Wait, making some... And that's ink. Is everyone having a good fridge?

Ink. Yeah, because I don't have a lunchbox or a pencil. Everything's going great. We're fine. The fringe is long. Okay. I just pulled out some sausage meat. Because today,

today I couldn't find a boiled dente bit and I brought up for the show so I peels. You got a scotch day. You're just a disgusting. I knew. Before you said, I was like, you're a fucking pig. All right, come.

That is general. Why does everyone look so upset with Rudy? Helen. Helen. Helen. Helen. Helen. Today, right before my show, I got locked in my house.

Okay, tell me this, because I just ran into Nish and he has told me. So I got locked in my house. And then, I showed up to my own show, seven minutes late, my own show. Then on the way to the stage, I have to take my jacket off. I am sweating profusely. I think it's fair to say, manic. And Nish Kumar, very kind, they came to see my show. Problem is, he was just laughing at me while everyone else was waiting for a bunch of times.

And it was very stressful. You must have wanted to kill yourself. No, truly, I hate being late. I hate being off my game. And it was terrible and had a really bad time. You know, what it reminds me of, Emma and Andrew, when she was late the other day to come and do a recording,

and she got really upset, too. So fun. Speaking of him, he's, I mean, he's stalking me today. Should we agree with him? Look, can he just tell me how you got locked in that. I want to tell you when he's on the day. Yeah. Nish, get up him! Nish, come on.

Nish, come on. Nish, come on. Hey, Bob, hey, come, hello, welcome. Hi, hi, hi, hi. Hello, hogs. Hello, hogs. Hello, hogs, not like a pig. I don't like this seating configuration.

I feel genuinely like the bullied one in Lord of the Flies already. And I've literally just been sat, I feel like piggy, and the hogs are about to blow the conch and beat the living shit out of me. I don't like you two being in stereo Welcome to your initiation How would you do it? I think I'd hold him down and you do jabs Yeah, that makes sense That makes sense, that you play's about the worst rings I'm much more cruel and she's just able to hold you down

Can I just say that I went to support my friend Catherine Bohart Do her wonderful comedy show And the show quickly devolved Into a bespoke roast that I have not ordered. Every time my life should be like, oh, next, don't do that laugh.

Yeah, so bad. Genuinely good. Where do we think that was from? Where do we think? Oh, W.B. Yes. You fucking wish I called you WB.E. You've got to be a bit more fiddly-diddly do as well.

The problem, to be fair, The problem was you nicely came to support me, but then I felt defensive because it was going badly, so I just was a cuntier. It was not going back. Listen, this is probably not a conversation to have on your... Although, it doesn't seem to be the most structured podcasting here. I don't know why I'm concerned about hitting format points. Helen just got her eggy tit out.

You know, omelette brazier over here. It was an excellent show. Thank you. That's nice. And I think your feeling that it was adversely affected by your lateness is incorrect. it actually enhanced the experience for us and I think the whole audience enjoyed watching Are you hitting on me?

It's so gross. It's like you can't have men on your podcast and the worst part he didn't even pay for his ticket. It sold out. I tried to donate money on the door and she said I'm not allowing it so I can tell everyone that you didn't pay. You're not the only manipulative of fish.

I can't believe this. Once again, people of colour are let down by white women. This is the 2016 American election all over again. Hillary, Clinton. Is she Kriamore? Welcome to our podcast. It's a delight. Have you. Are you having a good friend? I'm having a lovely time. I arrived here four days ago. So that's why I feel full of the milk of human kindness. Fuck you. Oh, I'm having such a lovely time.

I love being at the world's biggest arts festival. I hate it. I love being surrounded by art. It's a veritable art buccaki all over my face. And I'm taking it all. The last time I saw an issue, we were in Montreal together. Correct. We were watching the women's final for the Euros.

As I call it the final. A fuck off. And as I. call it, lesbians on screen. Are they all lesbians? Yeah, but in my head they were. I fucking knew it. I kept saying that I would love

I genuinely, I kept saying like, I'd love to be married to a lady for a corner. Like, I genuinely when Catherine kept being like, uh, no. I'm afraid that's not going to happen for you. It's not in your future, my friend. Also, the worst, the most dispiriting part of my life, I think, not just that entire trip or indeed

moment, was that at one point, one of them took off their tops and revealed a bruh and I initiated the same feeling at the same time except he vocalized it so he just went bruh and I was like truly I think I've ever had the same thought as you ever made me feel sick why is it when I do it you're like pet it away but when they do it you're like yeah why do you think I love you happy hog day you believe that boy this turned into a real hog roast. Isn't it the literal worst?

The eye contact, as you saw, is genuinely one of the worst things. I think if someone was trying to extract information for me and they direct eye contact with me and did a fucking pig noise, I would be like, I'll tell you everything. I will tell you everything. In 2007, I had a wank in a porter cabin.

I'll give you all. To one. To what? To what? And why? Oh, it's because I had a temp job, and I had to break up the day. I used to wank in the accessory stockroom on Oxn't Street all the time. Did you work at Accessorize? Yes, I work. I feel that that's quite an important piece of information, Helen.

What is wrong with you both? The CEO of Accessirize of just storming out of the big one. That's bad, that's bad. Helen winks at least three times a day. Who what? Helen winks at least three times a day. Respect, brother. I don't know.

No. I don't know how you do it with that cleaning the room. My clit is a little stubborn nothing at the day. That's not true. I've seen it. She's friendly. No.

Not me. Who said her? Who said her? Who said it? Okay, we'll figure that out later. Can I ask why you have seen her clitor? One time Helen and I were at a professional gig in the green room with other comedians

and Helen had had a one night stand to stand her up and then Helen had done the gardening and it was furious no one was going to say And so then Helen came to me without really asking for what? Consent. And then she took her trousers then I was met with our little purple friends and then she thought it was only fair

that I show hers mine too I didn't want to so she just tried to pull my tracks I saw everything and so a beautiful friendship was born I can't believe someone rolled their eyes at the use of the word consent the host of a podcast

honestly I feel like this is the closest I'll ever be to being on Rogan like yes you know I watched my first Rogan the other day Which one was it? Obviously, Trigger on the game. Obviously. Oh, for anyone who doesn't know, this is like the best thing of all time.

So there are two guys who were like really bad at comedy. So they went right winged to try and prove a point. Fucking incredible. What they call Francis Foster and Constantine Kisson. Full notes. Yeah, obviously. They're fucking neon-knit. No, but they genuinely think that the reason people don't like them is because of their wacky views

and not their terrible dog should joke. No, no, no, no. Actually, that's very unfair. I think that the comedy industry is very biased. against unfunny cause. And I think it's very unfair. Where is the fairness for people who are shit a comedy and comedy?

It's so true. So they have this podcast called Trigonometry in which they allegedly say incredibly offensive and what I'm going to say, transphobic things. It's so good. It's so mad. It's fucking mental.

They're real tits. But they went on Rogan and honestly they're just trying to act so cool. The moment when he's like, I think I will take my jacket off and we're going to smoke some weed, actually.

You don't know. Okay. Let me just say, the best thing about it is aesthetically, their studio, so much nicer than I. Like, if you were going to go, which one is the right-wing challenge, Transpoe podcast done by two dudes, and which one of the

two girls talking about their clits? They look like an adverb for maid.com. They've really fun... Their rugs match a painting. They have really funded that hate. They're such cunts. But the point is, they were on Rogan, and you watched it? Yes. It's like two and a half, three hours long. Four hours.

I've sort of been saying that I'm going to do a sponsored watch along I did an hour 25 with Sunil Patel eating coleslaw out of the bowl and I was like we've got to stop I would genuinely watch

the reverse feed from the screen of you and Sunil in Coleslaw watching TriggerPod on Rogen I can't believe it the one thing my agent said was can you please stop starting more internal comedy beefs I've immediately come on it

and be like fuck Triggerplot No but seriously fuck Drickrott Listen we have We've been starting I can't believe we spent so much time hating on What are they called those boys that we hate The Slamdowne boys' housemates Pappies

Thank you Oh that we're fucking up What boys do we hate? It wasn't real beef It was like trying to generate some like Twitter beef Why did I go so hard then? Yeah, you really did go very hard. Somebody quit the Patreon because of it.

Fuck off. Wait, someone quit the Patreon because you started a fake beef. Fuck off. Don't point to me. It was now and fault. I like having drama around me and I wasn't have any drama for like... So who did you start a beef with? Pappies.

But just to be clear, if you're a transphobe and you're on our Patreon, you can kindly fuck off. So that's... Yeah. Unless you're an executive producer in which case, thank you so much. I'm just really nice. We'll send a mug. I'm just really glad

that we've clarified it was Pappies because I heard quite a different word. Puppies. I heard the one. I said, who did we start beef with? And I just heard something like, Puppies. No, no.

I'm like, what the fuck is going on here? Mitch, don't come on our podcast and do that. Don't do that. Listen. This might be the worst podcast we've ever done. Me, Ramesh and Ahia Shara starting a sketch group

called Packy's Fun Club. We can't say anything. Are you having a nice job? Genuinely me eating sausage out by wrong, I went down to tell him from that. Please, we'll have initial jokes because it's his birthday in a minute. I know.

It is actually my birthday very soon. It's so exciting. Wait, watch. Okay, how about you? Well, you're already on it. I was going to say, can you count it down? But it turns out, you got some family. Are you kids you mom?

Did you know it was my birthday? Yeah, they said. Oh, yeah, no, to be fair, we did say it was your birthday that we should probably remember that it's your birthday. So we have, yeah, I get it now. And what's even sad, it is, who did I run into earlier? Was it you? And you were like, you just get loads of pie poppers

and we'll shoot them off at midnight. And I was like, I'll definitely do that. Did my show go, absolutely fuck. down here. I can't wait to celebrate turning 37 with a pint of beer and one of Helen's tears. That would be a gorgeous celebration of birth and breastfeeding. Bob you.

Isn't this like the perfect way to spend someone first off the homeless? Because we're going to make it good in 20 minutes. Like, yes. Who do you want to have a lap dance from? Pick your people. Favorite three? Choose. Could you imagine

if you actually did? Right. On a valet on a parantone. I shouldn't do that, should I? I feel like we didn't discuss it before and we've never done it before

but shall we open the floor I was going to say open the floor for questions. Wait, you want a question from one of these? Yeah. I mean, I would be happy

to solve a problem if someone had one. Oh yeah? Do you have a problem? a live problem that you need solving? No way does anyone actually have a problem? That would be so fucking exciting. Anyone?

Can you feel the tension alone? It's so easy. It's nothing like asking a group of British people if they have questions. It genuinely, it's like the tensest. Honestly, they would rather watch us all drop our trousers and do a shit on the stage. Hell, no, no, no, no, no!

The thing is, the reason I am... I forgot who I was dealing with. And the best thing is, I haven't really shit today, so I wouldn't have to push. The reason... I'm so disgusting. You are, and actually, look, the really gross part is just before you did all of that,

I was like, this fun thing about solving a problem now is that we've kind of reversed roles at the fringe. Like, I'm fun and going out, and Helen's staying in and boring, and then you tried to shit on the stage. I'm just not that fun. And I don't wish to be. Lish, do you know this?

I've been staying in there. this fringe and not going out and party. Well, I did notice that I haven't seen you around about it. I've been increasing my cinema knowledge. Guess what she watched for the first time ever today? In preparation for this, I think it's indicative of how it's going.

I watched the green mind. Party, party, party. Which I thought was going to be like big. Can I? Okay. I have so many questions. Why did you think it was going to be like big?

So I've seen a Tom Hanks film before And it was like big I've also seen The Wizard of Oz The Yellow Brick Rose The Green Mile To both colours Both the thing you can walk on And I was like

That'll be nice Awful time on death row They're laughing And when Mr Jingles dies What the fuck And then I had to put an egg in my bra And go out for the day Can I just remember, but you didn't wank to the Green Mile, did you?

Um, she came in today and she was like, ready for the podcast? Jess Rosebird. This is like when I watched Band of Brothers and realized how bad World War II was. Yeah! Because I thought it'd be so much better than World War I because it's their second time. It was so bad. Helen, it's a war, not a terminate of. films. I haven't seen

I'm watching those next week. Well, let me clear up one thing. It's nothing like kindergarten cop. Which, by the way, is so good. I watched that recently. That just came on Netflix, too, with Arnold Schwarzenegger. What else have you, what other stops have you made on this cinematic

odyssey? There's a cane. Really bad. Famously, famously bad. Genuinely, really bad. The departed, long. That's fair. and, like, just police scene. Seven?

Yeah. Very good. Very good. Recommend that. It's a bit formulaic. Someone else said that, so I'm saying. I knew you just learned that word. I was like, no fucking way.

It's a bit formulaic. Oh, yeah, the classic cinema formula of a serial killer mimicking the seven deadly six. Oh, we can't move for that plot over and over again. It's basically when Harry met Sally. It's so nice having you here. I feel so wretched. And then I watch Joker and Wild Child.

Wild Child is a fucking classic. Sweary upper lip alert. You seen it? I have not seen White. Oh, you've got. I have seen Joker, and it's one of the worst films I've ever seen. It was like watching King of Comedy and Taxi Driver on two televisions that were next to each other playing at the show.

the same time and the only enjoyable bit was I went with Daniel Kipps. Nish, none of these webbeens I've seen those films. Wait, is taxi driver Queen Latifah? No, okay. Taxi driver is not Queen Latifah. Taxi driver is Queen Latifah and who is it? Queen Latifah and, yeah, it is. You fucking moron. I'm Nish and I've got to uni, okay.

Queen Latifah and who, babe? I'm Robert Teneer. It's... And Robert Amiro. Wow. Oh yeah, I always forget. the deleted scene with Queen Latifah in it from Taxi Drivers

When he says, are you talking to me? And then Queen Latifah goes, yes, I was talking to you. Do you want this Panini? I went to see the film Joker with my friend Daniel and about halfway through, there's a point in it where the guy says

I thought comedians were supposed to be funny and he was turning to me to go that's not stopped you. And before he could even turn, I told him to go fuck himself. And that was the only good bit of the film joke Nice, nice

Yeah, it wasn't my favourite Um, Helen, what have you learned from the Edinburgh French? Um, you know what? You can walk up a hill and eat If you practice breathing a lot Because that is something consistently over the years Does anyone here live in Edinburgh Or in a hilly cities?

Yeah, really tricky to have a cabab at a pace on a hill. Going down, I fucking thrive. If anything, the motion of the step down pushes it further back and it's like deep-trane practice. How bad is your posture? With these?

Awful. But going up a hill I can now do it with a kebab because I breathe every other step by every three step. Smart, smart, smart. Whatever you learn, it's fascinating being here and sat between the two of you

because it's like interacting with the two halves of my brain. Because on the one hand, I am a neurotic extubation. but on the other hand, I'm also disgusting. Yeah! What? I feel more insulted.

You talking about eating a kebab up hill. I related to that so viscerally. Because it's not easy. Because it's not easy. Because of the breathing. You've got to breathe through the meat. Because if you breathe wrong, it goes into your lung and it doesn't get out. What do we say?

Say it with me. You don't breathe in the babi. You don't breathe in the babi. I hate this. For a moment I thought he's going to be on an eye side. Nope, he's gone. He's gone. He gave him to the dark side and I'm never getting him back. Hey, I think we should answer the listener problem because no one has a question.

I want to know what you learned. Yeah, what did you learn? It's going to be sincere for parents. No, it wasn't. It was don't trust your landlady to not lock you in your back. Can you talk to me about how that happened? Well, what I didn't say on stage today was that I was with another lesbian who actually snuck out the window for me because I was wearing a dress

but I on the stage had to claim her escape as my own because I couldn't justify hello? Everyone I tell you what happened there everybody's mentally

trying to calculate who's that lesbian I know it's the new format I'm pitching to BBC 3 who's that lesbian and I can tell you now she is amongst you today

is she no she's not no she's not that would be so sick though we could do guess who was like who found lesbians fucking dad actually we couldn't play out with this crowd everyone we had the whole time I'm the lesbian

I don't know if I I don't know if I should say this go for it well I I know who it is because I waved to you two nights ago and you didn't see me because you were making out there you said you weren't doing all the streets

Nick You're just sparring my eyes. Yeah! There's this live stream and I don't know what you're talking about. It's really good. It's not like Sandy Tosping or anything, but it's a good one.

I don't wish. It's a good one. Powerful but not like. I wish literally like, I was like, hey, Catherine. Whoa! Where? In the assembly club bars

In an industry bar You fucking idiot It was right in the middle of the rub No not super good guess We'll be open to other guesses No we're not I'm so sorry And I learned I can drink more than I thought I could

Listen, a problem, Andrew? Look at her trying to keep her dignity when I'm anxious on fire. It's fucking invention. Look at her cross in her leg. She's beaten like an absolute... Andrew, you can't do a problem. I don't play a little reset thing.

You are scum. You're a fucking snake. A snake. She didn't mean that. This is exactly what I wanted to do on my birthday. Huns, hand, hun, hans, hans, hans, hans, hans, hans. Genually the worst part is,

the first person who spoke to me after that is your girlfriend. And she goes, the community needed this. And I was like, what do you mean? And she was like, well, for a lot of bisexuals who were just stuck at home with a man. So the show is important. So it's not all bad,

for me. Yes, I do live with a bisexual and she, I think you're still like to regret her decisions. We love you're bisexual, she's been on our podcast. We love her so much. Amy Annette, everybody. Hey! She's sexy. Why does she? Listen, let's have... Have she birthday, happy birthday.

Oh, could you guys not get the rights to the happy birthday, so? It doesn't feel like you had to improvise. Of course, we sing the traditional happy birthday. Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Ford P.R. Happy birthday. That was genuinely my best shot at this point. And I was trying to go in sync with Helen.

What was I to do? That's had a problem. Yeah, okay. Oh, there's a lot of problems. I feel so, there's so much judgment in the room. I thought you guys would be happy for me. Fuck you. That's not judging.

You're just trying to figure out, aren't you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. None of your business. Beech Mar about it, go on Instagram, look at tags, look at showtimes, you can figure it out. She's not. It's not going to be that job for. Is she not on Instagram?

No. If they, okay. Fuck off. Lesbian stealth, it's just, I'd stop it. I guarantee about six of these women will have a figure-in-how within two hours. And it's fair play to you guys. Lesbian stealth would be such a good name for a band.

Yeah, but truly there's no better sleuthers than lesbians. I do, I am now concerned. Or like a ride at Fort Park. Oh, that's right. lesbian stuff. Like you sit down on it, it's a dipper but there's also like a fingerblot. Like on the seat and you're going up

and you're like, oh! Andrew, that problem, my darling. Please, Jesus. I think this may be one of the most... My girlfriend won't acknowledge my existence on her podcast. And it makes

sense. Andrew. Andrew! I'm coming. Thank you. Tabatry. I'm supposed to have a drink. Okay. Go back to school deliciously with Whole Foods Market.

Wake up with low-priced-35 by Whole Foods Market protein waffles and breakfast burritos. Prep lunch boxes quickly with 365 brand juice boxes, crackers, dried fruit, and more. And look for sales on no antibiotics ever ground beef and chicken breasts that make meal prep a breeze. Shop best in class fines for back to school at Whole Foods Market, in store, and online. I regret having a pint before I came on.

I saw you having a pint in assembly 40 minutes ago. Don't make out that's the first pint. I regret not having a pint before we're kidding. Okay, this is from F. Hi, F. This may be one of the most relevant questions you've ever got. Me and my girlfriend are in a very happy two-year

relationship. Congratulations. It already feels so relevant. We are moving in together in September. Yes, I know crazy that as a queer couple we have lasted so long before moving in together. All right. Fuck you. We are in an open relationship and my partner, let's call her Rose,

has just begun sleeping with men for the first time. Fuck. The issue is, is that the men Rose chooses to sleep with are mediocre male comedians. It's relevant about you. You are the relative. In fact, you're not me. It's definitely not me because I don't want to give too much a while.

It's not one of the four names. The worst thing about that is it's not even four. Let's move on. How do I stop her from making such bad decisions? She's so hot and quite literally any man. Please help. I mean I've got a simple answer to this What is it? Yeah, me too, go on

Okay, so you search them on podcast And you go to the least listen to podcasts they've done Which are usually the most earnest and sincere ones Right About that process And then you play that on repeat around her Until she loses her mind And then she can't fuck anything anymore

Because she's mad Fucking good advice Door number two I think that I think we need to see a list of these male comedians who would be really beneficial for all of us. Let's not guess, though. Yeah, let's...

No, let's get. I have some thoughts. What are your thoughts? My thoughts, first of all, are... What are your motivations, F? Because it feels like you shouldn't care about the quality of the man that she chooses for herself in your open relationship.

B? B? Well, if you respect her and you trust her and she's a person that you love, maybe she's capable of making those. decisions herself. Secondly, if I was in an open relationship, I would, personally, my concern would be, I don't want them to find someone better than

me. It doesn't sound like that's going to happen. And, number three, sometimes it's nice to do a bit of charity. And what charity work have you been doing, Karen? She was really rattling a bucket in the assembly bar last I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. I still appreciate that you think that she's punching and not the way around. What's your advice? I don't know that I have the emotional constitution for an open relationship. That's not the question. So I respect... I respect anyone who has done that. But also, where possible, I would avoid sleeping with male comedians.

That's my advice. for everything, where possible I would avoid sleeping with male comedians. Oh, I've got way more practical advice than that. That's fucking mental. Are you recording this, Andrew? Yeah, I mean, I think they're recording all of this, Helen. But this isn't going out anywhere, is it? It's a live stream.

Whoopsy, whoopsie. Is it next up? No, it's with Monkey Barrel. Oh, thank God. told me if I show my bra one more time. They'll have to pay you more. In breach of contracts. That's the exact word they use.

They were like, you've got to say if it's nudity. It's not nudity, it's nude. Anyway, whatever, it's a different thing. What's the rest of your advice? Okay, so if the podcast thing doesn't work, then you make sure they're signed up to a thing called The Black Hour, up the creek on Thursday nights. It's where comedians go on stage and they get five minutes,

but after two minutes, uni students can boo them off. And then it goes blackout and they go, wow, wah, and it's dehumanising, and you don't want to speak with anyone after that. I also say, King Gong's a great shout. Watching people get booed off is very dehumanising. That's horrible. You don't respect them after that.

Also, tell them they've got a job on a TV show, tell them where the meeting is, and then show up and go, Sike! And then they lose all confidence, and they won't want to fuck anyone. Here you have thought, let's do it, a little trouble. More, more, one more. When in doubt, put them in a well. Always a well. So, if you agree with Helen.

and give us a cheer. If you agree with Inish's blanket policy of not sleeping with men like him, give us a cheer. And me? Fuck you. Mine is the best advice. You know that in your heart of hers.

Why do you want F to struggle? Why are you yawning at them? Because I just think, mind your business. If they can have sex with whoever they want, that's the point of an open rule, isn't it? I'm looking at the queerest people in the room I'm like, you have a mullet, am I right? Fuck sake.

Andrew, thank you for the question. Do you want to do one more problem? Oh yeah, I can solve this one in a sentence, whatever it is. I do have another problem. One more problem, do you have one for us? I do, but it... Wait, does somebody have a problem in the room? Yes!

Oh my God, this is so exciting. It's happening. It's live. We're doing this. Okay, come on. It's a room problem. Hello, what's your name? I'll take this right. You have to speak in. the microphone everybody say hi Sarah hi Sarah Sarah so nice to have you here what's your problem before I start in two minutes is your best very excited he's been platformed enough

come on Sarah so earlier this year I moved jobs there was immediately signed off and a lot of my colleagues don't know that I was signed off okay ended up in a psychiatric hospital okay I met them all last week and they were like oh Sarah how you doing and, you know, I kind of was like, do I tell them that I was hospitalized for mental health things? Yeah. Or do I just let them believe that I was having a great time in a different department?

Um, thank you. Wow, Bauer, you have set yourself up. You like somebody who signs up for a marathon after they watch the 100 meters. Wait, wait, wait. Helen, wait First of all, round of applause for Sarah for her honesty.

Second of all, round of applause for Sarah for being here. Yes. You've got to let you have dropped the birthday shit we're talking to Sarah right now. It's insane that you keep bringing it up. I'm sorry for saying insane. Happy birthday, but we're saw in Sarah first

for the next to your birthday. Let's defer my birthday for a couple of minutes. Number three, I think you're really cool and badass. I've also been in a psychiatric hospital and I think that not enough people get to say, hey look, we're still alive. But in the meantime, before I tell you, because what do I have,

except life, experience, and compassion, and before we get to the empathy section, let's hear Helen's one-line answer. I've got a one-line answer, and I've also got a funny anecdote about a psychiatric hospital. That sounds problematic. Let's go.

Next up, cancelled town. My one-line answer is a hundred-line. 100% be like, yeah, I was getting the fucking psychiatric hospital, and then take your bra off and run around like this, until you get the desk you want, all the snacks you want, and then let them all live in fear around you. A hundred percent, that is the best

option you've got there. Give me a cheer, fugraine, how is? That's not good. Okay, and your anecdote? Okay, so my friend's cousin was like they needed to get them into psychiatric hospital, but their thing was they were really paranoid that people were coming to get them, but the thing is the whole family were coming to get them, to put them

and it was an absolute nightmare, but so fun. Okay, listen, okay. I can't really do it because I've only done nights in there, and then they're like, go home. You're upset and the rest of the ward. My advice is, be open and honest about it. Being, having to have a stay in a psychiatric hospital is no different from having to stay in a normal hospital,

and if you'd broken your leg and out to stay in hospital, you wouldn't lie about that, so why lie about this? Get them all to sign your head like a cast. I'll be the first I'll do the first one feel better too Helen just care so

that's genuinely amazing the only thing I hear Yanish and I think that's very righteous and correct and lovely will say that's my vibe yeah we'll say

the only person has to live with you like the long-term consequences of you telling them is you and while it's very easy to say in a room like this where everybody's cool and queer and niche you can straight Raymo Nish Kumar made several comments

So you should tell them I think the real world is sometimes harder and also sometimes people's assholes get in and not when you say it and I think that I also think we should reframe it I don't think it's lying if you choose to have privacy but I think it's probable that if you do say it in the office

at least half of the office will be like, I have also got a lived experience like that, and I feel better about it because you said that. Also, nobody gets to say shit to you about it. You have HR, yes? Good? Okay, checking before you say anything. Do they know?

I think so. Okay, I think that's the first person I would tell because they might have an action plan for this in practice. Yes, it's boring and practical, but I am right. And the other thing is, You have to, going forward to assume that sometimes you'll have the equivalent of like a jippy leg

after you've broken it, i.e. some bad days. And do you want to contextualize that in a sense of them thinking that you've been in hospital? That's up to you. There's no wrong answer. It's your fucking life. You can do what you want. But mainly, truly, those are the worst and you got through it, and I'm so impressed. Nice.

Nice. Nice. That's cool. That's cool. I'd also still do the bar thing and get the snacks you want Why is all your advice bra-based? I've got no answer for the first time in my life. Wow, I silenced Helen Bauer. Finally, it took a man. Good. Happy birthday to you.

Oh dear. Happy birthday to you. We're going to have to bake the way something. It's Kim Marr, everybody. Happy birthday to you. You're very old. Thank you very much, for everybody. That's very nice to you.

And now you have to make a wish. Oh, actually, what was you some birthday traditions? Like beats? No, like from your house in my house. From your house to my house. Yeah, okay, so in my house we have it one. Fuck off, that's so nice. Are you fucking kidding?

Happy birthday. That's so nice. You left it. Oh, that's so nice. Happy birthday. Don't even all the one go. Oh, my God. There's a Kit Kat and there's some Candy King Smilies.

What? That's so nice. Luckily, they're both sealed, so we know. Only the packaging is covered in gist. Yeah. You're all that thing. That's so nice. Thank you so much.

That's very kind of you. I really appreciate that. Do you want to play the Bohart birthday game? What's the Boehart birthday game? I don't know what the Boehart birthday game. In my house, we play the same game every single year. The BBG. You got three questions, you've got to answer them quick and fast.

Question number one, best thing that happened to you were that you did in the last year? Oh, the best thing, oh, I did some, uh, I did, I managed to complete my tour, which I was very stressed about because it was earlier in the year and it was during COVID. Okay, well done. That's all very good. That's very good. I did it all, it was very nice. Best thing about aging? Best thing about aging?

Oh, you know, it's just, uh, it's just, uh, it's just, uh, it's very stressful. I don't want to use the word wisdom because it's not accurate. But all it is is just, eventually, if you step in dog shit in the same place, eventually you learn to walk around the dog shit. And that's all getting olderish. Nice. You're like, I stepped at this dog shit before. You learned to enjoy the feeling.

Yeah. The warmth of it, the squirrels. I hate you. You're a poet. Yes. Question number three. What's your main goal for the next year? What one thing would you like to do that's not to do is work?

My one goal in the next year is to... Before you turn 38. Before I turn 38 is to have just a great time. Nope, that's too big. That's nice. No, I would like to do more recreational activities and focus less on my work life. Hey, that's nice.

Do you want to come to Tokyo Disney by Sea and Japan women? Yes. I actually do. That's all I want to do is just coming here for a couple of Disneyland. Yeah. It's amazing. No one's ever said yes to her before. Round of applause for Helen's birthday wishes.

She's going to do. She really wants to go. Fucking amazing. And you're going to have to pay. No, I'm trying to get this deal for Trusty Hogg. So we had a meeting the other day, like a professional meeting for Trustee Hogg. She ruined it.

She ruined. She ruined. She ruined. And we were like, no. But they were like genuinely asking us about doing sponsored ads so we can get some money. And I was like... Like, can we...

They were like, why don't you advertise the moon top? and some fucking ointment. They weren't saying what you wanted. What a damning a diamond on this audience. I said I could advertise jigsaw puzzles and I think that would work and they went there's no market for online jigsaw.

And then I said we should go to Disneyland and do a Trusty Hogg sponsored by Disneyland trip where we'd like vlog the whole thing and then Catherine went, what? And then everyone in the meeting with a notepad's out, put them away.

Only Andrew was like, Like, that's a good idea, Helen. The idea that I would spend my holiday from Dusty Hogs with you is insane. We're going to ride Face Mountain together holding hands. We're not. Okay. Do you have any birthday traditions from the bow? Above?

Let me guess. Everyone takes off their bras. Baby, my mom don't wear no bra. She's a free spirit. My mom is currently on one of a spiritual walk. but she walks along as a 68-year-old woman with loads of young men doing the Camino Way

and she, like, what's it called, safety pins, a bra onto her bag to let people know that she's available. That's a fucking law. That's a religious pilgrimage. Oh, she knows. Wait, available for sex. My mummy? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Basically, her and my dad got divorced a couple of years ago because she realized that he doesn't know what kind of lingers is never come up and then she got really upset about it but he thinks what happens is someone at her book club taught her the word

mansplaining it's a whole thing it's hard to know who's wrong I think my dad any traditions from the Bowerhouse on for birthdays no

beats just beats not beats so you get like 37 punches Oh, actually, hitting, don't do that. Yeah, we knew what the beats meant. No one was like, you get Dr. Dre's headphones. Trying to think of anything nice. Yeah, I think we had a cake.

A cake. My childhood sounds really sad right now, doesn't it? Yeah. We ride a pony. And the pony would have a bra pin to it. So everyone knew the pony was available for sex. So good! Does anybody else have any birthday traditions in their house?

Put up your hand? Is it just my family? What the fuck's going on? Is that really your birthday tradition? You do three questions. Yeah, I emcee the dinner, sure, every time. Yeah, we do three questions. What's not morons asking a five-year-old was the best thing you did in the last year?

No, we didn't know as we got older, because it's like makes you think, oh, what has been good that's happened, and what do I actually want to make my priority for the next year? And also, aging isn't the worst thing. I'm going to do it to you now for this fringe, okay? Okay. What is the best thing that has happened to you so far? Fringe.

I am saying nothing. And who were you with? I have never been more tense. Next question. What are you looking? No, no. I can answer the best thing is up to do the Fringe.

Getting fuddered up. Sweet little mask sub. And, uh... I was with Nish Kumar in the assembly bar. That's your answer. Any question? Fucking perfect. Second question.

I forgot what it was already. It was something about careers. No, not careers. What is the best thing about doing your third hour at the French? Oh God. What is the best thing about doing your third hour in the French? That it's not your first. Fucking doing your first is the worst.

You're so scared all the time. I couldn't give a first. fuck now. I'm really, really pleased that people have come on, but I'm really proud of my show and if they don't like it, that's cool. They should just see somebody else. Good for you. Yeah, you cared so little you didn't even turn up on. I was trying to escape a very

difficult room. And what are you looking forward to for the fringe next year, Kathleen? Who knows? That's got the ring of someone who's She's planning on taking a year off. I am so excited for next year already.

Yeah? Yeah, I think I'm going to do the Auschwitz show, finally. I'm so sick of putting off. Tell me, explain the context, please. I went on a school trip to Auschwitz when I was 14, and I wanted you to do a show about it, and the Pleasins put me in a bunker again. And it was just like, everyone was like,

you can't do it in a bunker, so I'm going to go to the attic. An actual joke An actual joke! We have to end there because that has never happened before. That was incredible. That was incredible.

That was incredible. Make a clip! Make a clip! That was incredible. What the clips are lacking is you speaking. Oh wow. Poor Helen. Okay.

She's only for us I'm a baby Time for parish announcements and we'll go Huh? Parish announcements and we'll go? I genuinely thought parish announcements were done

because the last two recordings you were so tired she forgot I mess with my message Andrew being like she's fucking lost her man We're fucking living the dream Okay so parish announcement is where Catherine gets to talk

and I'm not allowed to speak That's not what it is Well then what is it! I remember if you're here, but to the person who sent me the literal definition of a parish announcement, you are appreciated, and I will be reading it out. I'm looking forward to this level of sensitivity being brought to the story of Auschwitz.

Not just Auschwitz, Biacnau. Parish announcements include corrections, apologies, and announcements. Oh, yeah, corrections and apologies. Well, what's that too... Corrections, Salmon Rushdie is alive. Apologies, sorry about... the Salman Rushdie being dead stuff

announcement. He's not dead we know announcement we're doing another live show when Andrew? What? In London in October. Yes on the 7th of October as part of the cheerful airful festival

yeah I will be filling in for Helen Barham Babbin fucking have double booked herself I reckon that's out towards roughly Balham and the 7th of October tickets are available In Balham?

Near enough, yeah. I'm so close to that, sick. Stop telling people where you live. Oh my God. I'm not in Ballam, I'm in Campbellwell. It's coming on. Very close. My cousin lives in Ballam, Sophie.

Second parish announcement. Are you doing a tour as a little solo room? Oh, I am doing a tour of Madam Goodtit and the Soho Theatre. Thank you. No, no idea. But I have a website. Yes, you do. Hey, Nish, anything that you need to plug?

If you live in London, I'm recording my show on October the 17th. So you're going to say seventh, and I was like, fuck you, man. 17th, that's different, fine. Yeah, and don't get too excited. It's entirely a self-financed vanity project. Yeah. That's exciting. We also have another gigless win, Andrew, our next live.

giggily seen in London is? It's the end of September of the Bill Murray. At the end of September. Turn up for the whole of the last week of September. This Sunday is just the Sunday. 25th of September it rates first of...

I do not have these dates in my time. Very annoying. Fuck. Helen's going on a walking sex tour with her mother. Actually, she's been trying to convince me to go to the Glathambring Goddess Temple. But it's just women naked going your body's amazing I'll go with her

That sounds really good She fucking love it I would go Last thing One we have a bucket A card machine at the door If you've had a nice time by all means You can put some cash in there

If you don't know stress about it We'll just make intense eye contact with each and every one of you And Helen does tend to shout Also I need money Because I'm going out tomorrow night To watch Shannon Matthews the musical And I'm so excited Does anyone's been it

Is that what the gasp was No I wouldn't go either then yeah Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Disjudged her. Yeah. And then the last announcement, I am going to do something sincere just because I feel the need to come back.

I'm sorry, Helen. I just wanted to say that personally going to a psychiatric hospital is the best thing that's ever happened to me and it saved my fucking life. And if I didn't do it, I wouldn't be having the best time ever here. And also, I thought life would never get better.

So if you need to do that or you have done that or you're going to do that or you know somebody who does it, I think you should be like, good fucking decision, man, because that's so cool. The end. That was good. That was nice. Say goodbye.

Bye. Goodbye, everybody. And my hogs go with you. Yes. Yes. Yes. Oh, me.