Truth Unites - How NOT to Help a Sufferer

Episode Date: April 11, 2024

In this video Gavin Ortlund shares four things NOT to say to someone who is suffering. See my article on this topic here: https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/how-not-to-help-a-sufferer/ Truth Unites exists to promote gospel assurance through theological depth. Gavin Ortlund (PhD, Fuller Theological Seminary) is President of Truth Unites and Theologian-in-Residence at Immanuel Nashville. SUPPORT: Tax Deductible Support: https://truthunites.org/donate/ Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/truthunites FOLLOW: Twitter: https://twitter.com/gavinortlund Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TruthUnitesPage/ Website: https://truthunites.org/

In his book, The View from a Hearst, Joe Bailey talks about his experience of grief after losing three of his children. I think that's the worst form of suffering that can possibly come upon you in this life. And he talked, I think he had seven kids. He lost three at a young age. And he says, people would come to comfort him. He said, some people came with Bible verses and explanations and theology, and he couldn't wait until they left. Others would come and just sit in silence with him. And they wouldn't say much unless he spoke to them. And he said, I couldn't bear it when they left. Couldn't bear to watch them walk out the door. In other words, they were a comfort to him. I think about this a lot, because I think a lot of people are suffering in our world right now.

I think actually this is a huge apologetics issue is how we talk to those who are grieving, to our suffering. This is going to be a short, simple video, but I was just thinking about this. I was talking with my wife. I thought, this is worth talking about because I think this is a huge issue in the church. When I was a pastor, I observed a lot of people stop coming to church when they're suffering, when they're grieving. I think one reason is, there's probably lots of factors. but one is people in the church say unhelpful things. We use theology to wound people. We don't know how to just be a non-anxious presence,

like those people with Joe Bailey, just sitting silently, learning how to be around those who are in deep grief and deep suffering. This is a huge apologetics issue right now because there's so much despair, so much disintegration, so much depression and anxiety in our culture.

And we have a Bible that should equip us for this. You know, one third of the Psalms are Psalms of lament, but we often don't create space for that in the church. how can we do better? Well, here are four things we can avoid drawing from an article I wrote many years ago. The first is don't appeal too quickly to God's sovereignty. When you're with someone who's deeply suffering, don't immediately go to Romans 828, which says all things work together for good for those in Christ, or Genesis 50-20, which speaks about how God can use evil for good. I mean, those verses are gloriously true, and perhaps in some circumstances, that can be helpful for someone

to hear. But many times, just because that is biblical doesn't mean that's helpful or tactful or wise for someone, especially when they're in severe and deep grief. There's a difference between what's true and what's helpful. You know, in the book of Job, it's interesting. There's about that, the book of Job is fascinating because you have that huge 35 chapter section of dialogue, and there's a lot going on in there. It's interesting that a lot of what Job's friends say is true. The New Testament will often quote from those three figures, as, you know, commending what they say is true. But God is still angry with them at the end of the book. Just because you're saying something true doesn't necessarily mean it's helpful or good that you say it at that time.

Imagine if Joseph's brothers had chucked him down into the pit and then said to him, don't worry, Joseph, God is going to use this for good. Can you imagine Joseph's angst at that and how frustrating that would be? That is said by Joseph to them years later. Okay? And not only does Paul say God works all things together for good, he also says a few chapters later, weep with those who weep.

I know some people disagree with me on this, but I'm just speaking out of pastoral experience on this. Just don't go there yet, or at least go there with great caution. At least if you're going to appeal to God's sovereignty when you're with someone who's suffering, at least make sure you're practicing Romans 1215 as well. Weep with those who weep.

Second thing to avoid, don't immediately launch into your own story of how God has used suffering in your life. This is very tempting because it's human nature to relate others' experiences to our own. We can't help but just see the world through our own eyes and when we're with someone who's suffering. Sometimes we get uncomfortable and we want to put a band-aid on it for ourselves. We want to feel more comfortable. We want to try to understand it. Part of suffering is you don't understand what's happening.

And it's actually uncomfortable to enter into that experience of uncertainty. with another person. So we'll often want to say, well, here's how it's worked out in my life, and then we might want to say that to someone to encourage them. This is really problematic for a couple of reasons. One is that everybody's story is different. So you might be able to say about something in your life, well, I'm really glad this happened because here's what I got out of it. But in a fallen world, that doesn't always happen. The person you're talking to may never get there in this life. Here's a brutal truth, but it's real, but it makes heaven all the better. not every wound we get in this life mends and heals prior to heaven while we're still in this world.

It's like Frodo at the end of the Lord of the Rings when he has wounds that still aren't healed. That's us in this life. Not everything even is understood in this life. But if you think about that, that makes heaven all the better, because it will be healed up there. And I preached a sermon on Revelation 21. He will wipe every tear from their eye. That's a happy thought. Oh, I could go on about that.

The point is, don't quickly go there because you don't know that in this life someone is going to be able to understand their experience in the way you have understood yours. And the other reason is don't go there because it just may not be helpful right now. Sometimes we share our story and it's about meeting our need. What we want to do is enter into the nuances of their experience. That is what is a comfort to someone who's suffering is when they feel that someone is with them in the moment. Number three, don't minimize the wrongdoing that caused the suffering. Some suffering isn't caused by any wrongdoing, but a lot is, and for some reason we have this tendency.

You see this happening in the church. Again, it's why I want to talk about this in a video. Christians do this a lot, and we hurt people. It's a kind of karma instinct. We just assume that, well, if they're suffering, something bad must have happened. They must have done something wrong. This is what Job's friends are doing, you know? and the book of Job teaches us that karma is not how the universe works.

Sometimes someone is suffering because they did something wrong, but not always. And yet we can do this. We heap, you know, someone, it's like someone is sitting in the ashes. They're suffering and we heap further coals right upon their head. We say, well, I'm sure that that person meant well. How do we know? Maybe they didn't mean well. Maybe the person that hurt them didn't mean well.

Or we say, well, it can't be that bad. How do we know? Maybe it is that bad. or a lot of times we'll say, when someone's in a conflict, we say, well, there's probably blame on both sides, right? How do we know? Sometimes there isn't. Sometimes there is a place for true victimhood, you know?

And so when we're with the sufferer, we want to be careful not to make assumptions, and we want to be careful not to minimize, if you can just be with someone and just not comment on that side of it yet, but just, or give an open, if there was sin and evil that someone else did that contributed to their suffering, just being able to acknowledge that without any excuses, evasions, or minimizations. That is like water to a parched man. Number four is don't emphasize character formation while neglecting comfort and compassion. In the New Testament talks a lot about how God uses suffering to produce godly character in us. That's true. But when someone is in the myths of suffering, especially certain forms of suffering, like severe suffering or when someone has

sinned against them, that is not helpful in the moment to emphasize. If it comes up at all, balance it with words of comfort and compassion and Romans 1215 type approach, especially when there's severe suffering. It's often helpful to just avoid words all together. A hurting friend probably needs our love and our presence far more than our interpretive. interpretations and ideas. This is a humbling thing for those of us who love theology. Oftentimes, our theology is, strictly speaking, not what is needed. Though this is its own form of theology, I suppose. I suppose you could say this is the most profound kind of theology. Actually, let's talk about that in a second. But the point for now is just be with them in the tension of

struggle and suffering. Hang in there with them, in that suffering and in that pain. And this is, of course, so here's why I would say this is actually a profound form of theology. This is how Jesus treats us. If you think about Christ, you know, two things we can say. Number one, Christ does not shield us from suffering. And the problem of evil is a real emotional problem. I mean, every one of us will probably have moments in life where you're saying, why did God allow this?

Life hurts. But secondly, that what we know from Christ, what we know from the gospel, if you believe that Christ is a real revelation of God, then the one thing we can't say is that God is indifferent because he went through it himself in the purpose of Christ. And all throughout Scripture, you have this theme that God is especially drawn to the broken hearted. He's especially near to the brokenhearted. There's a scene in the magician's nephew where a little boy named Diggery meets Aslan, who's the Christ figure, and his mother is sick. His mother is dying, and he's terrified of Aslan. He doesn't like Aslan, actually, at all.

But he's afraid of Aslan. But he wants to get help from Aslan, so he approaches him. And Lewis writes, up till then he had been looking at the lion's great front feet and the huge claws on them. Now in his despair, he looked up at its face. What he saw surprised him as much as anything in his whole life. For the tawny face was bent down near his own. And wonder of wonders, great shining tears stood in the lion's eyes. They were such big, bright tears compared with Diggery's own that for a moment he felt as if the lion must

really be sorrier about his mother than he was himself. My son, my son, said Aslan, I know. Grief is great. Only you and I in this land know that yet. Let us be good to one another. What a world of comfort is bound up in those words, I know. Think about that. Don't we want to be like Christ? I mean, you see Christ's heart toward suffering in that, where it says, Degre thinks he must be sorrier about my suffering than I am myself. What if Christians were like that? What if Christians were those people who, when a sufferer is around us, they feel that's the measure of our love and commitment and compassion for them. That would be a very good thing, and that's what we want to aim for. I actually think this is a big issue in the church right now, how we treat sufferers,

because a lot of people all around us, you can't even go to the bank or to the grocery store without feeling a sense of despair among people. It's real in our culture right now. And we want to be less like Job's friends and more like Jesus.