Tuesdays with Stories! - #104 - Slingin' Clink and #91 - Better Call Sal!

Episode Date: July 2, 2024

Folks, we're taking the Fourth of July off this week. We got some CRAZY travel going on behind-the-scenes so we thought we'd throw up an old episode that you likely haven't seen! In the video version, you're going to get our episode "Slingin' Clink" with Sam Morril from August 24th, 2015: "Mark and Joe invite comedian Sam Morril on (fresh off a hot set on Conan!) to talk about Last Comic Standing, strange hook ups, and Sam almost getting his ass kicked by a heckler! And for all of you audio kids, you're getting two in a row, because we're throwing in Impractical Joker Sal Vulcano's episode from May 25th, 2015: "Sal Vulcano of TV's Impractical Jokers is in the studio this week with Mark and Joe!" (We would have included video as well but it does not exist). Go check out Sal's new special on Youtube, "Terrified"! And if you enjoy these, please check out our Patreon where we post an OG Tuesdays episode every week! There are over a hundred OG Tuesdays episodes ready to go right now baby, exclusively on the "Video Vag" tier! Happy Fourth! Our Stuff:  - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays  - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories  - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - Support the show and try Blue Chew for free – just pay $5 shipping. Head to https://www.bluechew.com and use promo code TUESDAYS

Hey folks, it's Joe and Mark, your favorite twos gay buddies. Oh yeah, we're here, we're queer. We're here to let you know this is a little PSA, a little PS gay. Ah! Mark is off to Spain, he's opening for Bird, he's closing on his wife, he's doing all kinds of shit. I'm going to Maine for my annual vacation, so this 4th of July week we will be off. Yes. Send all your complaints and grievances to Chuck Stanton.

Yes. STANTON, at Gmail. Chuck Stanton. It's his last week so really hit him hard tell him all your grievances and complaints and yeah we'll be off like the bug spray. Instead of a new episode, we're going to play an old classic for you. Chuck just dusted this off. He went searching for Jimmy Hoffa and what he found was a videoed Tuesdays with Stories with the great Sam Morrill. Oh yeah, this is a blast from the past. We dug deep into the Jew tunnels and we found this heap and it's a wacky one.

It's crazy to see us in the old days in the old studio. From 2015. I mean this is when Sam Morrill couldn't sell a ticket. I didn't even have herpes and Mark was making love to a lot of different women. And men. Absolutely. So yeah check it out get on board tell a friend and spread the cheeks and the love. And if you're listening to the audio version after the Sam's over it, we got Sal Vulcano. There's no video for that, because this one's 300 years old. I remember when we did this one,

I had never heard of Sal Vulcano. I didn't know who the hell that was. He was a fan, he was like nervous. That's right, that's right. He was on television. I mean, this is before cameras were invented. It's that long ago. So you gotta see him.

He's young, he's cute. I don't even think he was Puerto Rican yet. Yeah, so check that out, enjoy that. And one more thing, if you're enjoying this, if you like the old episodes, every week on our Patreon, we're posting an old episode. Best Patreon in the country. So get on it, see the old ones, see how the sausage was made. We didn't even have a voice set, we didn't know what we were doing, we barely had cameras and lights and sound. So check it out. If you're real gay, you're going to want to see the old footage. We got Chris DiStefano, Tim Dillon, fucking the other guy.

Jim Norton did one, I think. Oh, that's right. Did he? Yeah, he did one. Yeah. Who else? Mike Drucker, Monroe Martin, a bunch of other people you never heard of. Way back in the day.

So we're releasing those plus the Q and A-noles. We're taking all your questions. We're getting serious on there too. I got emotional on one of them. Yes, it's really some behind the scenes. It's like you're really hanging out with us. And we made some backstage videos, which are crazy. We got pretty fast and loose on those ones.

So the Patreon's the best damn Patreon in the sky. And George is saying, cut it. Yeah. All right, so now enjoy the rest. Enjoy this. Happy Fourth of July. God bless America. Hey, hot tamale. Love you with a baby. Easy does it. We're here, buddy. Tuesday with story. How are you? Mark Norman in the house.

Hey, Joe List here. I thought you sat on a nail. Four inches. Yes Yeah, no, it's we're back. We're back in the stood good ahead when he got our old pal here somebody We're comfortable around somebody you've met before put your hands together for Sam Morrell I introduced myself. Yeah Morrell I'm gonna keep this unracial Sammy the Bull the Jew face killer. Yes Sambo small dick Morrell. Yeah, I don't unracial. Oh please. Sammy the Bull, the Jew face killer. Yeah, Sambo.

Small Dick Morrill. I don't care for that one. All his nicknames. Sam is one of the guests we had that was, we didn't make the episode, didn't air. Yeah. Is that another one? Yeah, Sam was on with Red State Nate.

And we did an episode and it was a lot of fumbling and I fired everybody. Well you know what, we were all so hung over and List was, he was the only one that wasn't in Montreal with us Oh, and he was the only one that wasn't and we just weren't none of us were making sense. We were terrible I was like I'll just sit back and put my feet up and hear about Montreal And you guys had a 10 minute argument over what the name of the party was We can't hear this

Really you guys were like all amped up for me to tell a hookup story with a comic and I can't tell the comics name That just kills the story. Yeah, there's no fun in that story. Well now we can tell a hookup story with a comic and i can tell the comic name that just kills the story and i have no fun in that story and you will now you can tell it was lisa lampanelli uh... who yet to call me a jew face the whole time uh... is that since it was that long ago she has over a year ago two years ago those who are the spark has been on the air since uh... eighty four while pretty good uh... animal farm

you know a very force of the book since 84. Wow pretty good animal farm. No way. No 84 is his own book. 1984 is its own book but same author. Orson Welles. Orwell. Orson Welles is one of the greats. Orville Redenbacher. Yup or whatever I don't know. But anyways good to have you here Sam you're a man of the people. I don't know what that means. Thank you. It means you're unshaven Boy, you're a great we talk about you so much in the show usually negatively But we know that you won't get too upset about us calling you, you know a hack and a thief, you know Well Sambo's a Manhattan native. Yeah, real New Yorker. Yeah face comedian Uh-huh drinker. Uh-huh womanizer womanizer. No, womanizer. Womanizer. No, not anymore.

Oh yeah, you're down. I deleted Tinder, I deleted J-Swipe, and I deleted OKCupid. Wow. You're a new man. I don't even see you anymore. You're one of these guys that gets a girl and then you never hear from him again.

I'm around, that's not true. I'm around plenty. I drank with you the other night. Yeah, and we've been texting, and she's long distance. Yeah. That's true. Well, maybe something else happened. You mad at me, buddy? I'm sorry I drank with you the other night. Yeah and we've been texting and she's long distance. Yeah. That's true. Well maybe something else happened.

You mad at me buddy? I'm kind of mad at you. Oh well that hurts my feelings. Sam and I have our half hour special airing the same night, October 24th. I'm psyched. Yeah that's going to be something. That's going to be huge. We're going to promote the hell out of it.

I got my album coming out the day before too. Oh that's sweet. That'll be a fun weekend. Oh boy we walked the suits already. Good. We had some suits in the audience and they're already gone. That was two minutes. Yeah Harry Shave just killed themselves. Oh Jesus Christ. They make me nervous these suits. I don't like them. I don't even know who they are. Well that guy was sitting in the dark petting a cat. Who was that guy? I don't know. There was white men in suits

which terrifies me and they're all gone now. I think they're investors of some kind right? Investors? We can't talk about it. Oh, we can't talk about it. Oh, then well, they weren't. Nobody's here. Well, folks, it was nice knowing you. That was the CIA.

We'll be playing from a garage and we hawking. Yeah, and the show will be exactly the same. No, if that's the studio, I was just saying how do-it-yourself a podcast is. Now our producer's leaving. What the hell's going on here? All right, he's just making sure they can't can't hear us oh I see they're keeping the lights on oh boy they might it wasn't me it was the CIA hey was that Lee Harvey that was why they can't jump yes Lee Harvey Oswald played by Woody Harrelson

played by Sidney Dean yeah I was nice Marco from Eastville Billy Hoyle comedy club he's speaking in white man can't be text Rachel Feinstein the other day goes Hey, do you have Rosie Perez's number? What I know it's a dumb who has Rosie Perez's number that's crazy not her well She was hot in that movie. She was hot. She's a great a side boob happening That's a great movie great movie love that you see her big giant nipples. I used to nips I used to pause it and masturbate to big Well the skookies!

That movie's great because it's like really just about a white guy getting a dunk in the end. Yeah. That's all it really is. But the interacting is so great, like Brady Bunch and the guy, I'm going to car-get my other gun! Yeah, oh Raymond. Raymond!

No, no, the same Raymond! That guy just died, the guy that played the behind the counter guy, the comedian. Oh, yeah, did he? What was his name? Oh, shit. He was a huge urban comic for years, legend. Red Fox. You're asking the wrong guy.

I forget his name. It was Red Something. Pid- Pigmeat Markham? I know, it was less legend. Okay. But that scene is great. Great scene. You're talking about my wife and kids and you don't know me? Cut this motherfucker right here.

Cut this motherfucker. And a hook shot! It's so great because Sidney Dean just sells out Billy's so quickly I know I know it's like cut them but they weren't that close then no but they were they partnered up sure but it's hilarious and you know it's great you don't hear Jimmy you talking about that movie is great we should get together and watch it I still do that you know who's a huge white man can't jump fan is Matt Wayne Him and I bonded over white man can't jump the way you and I bonded over Seinfeld where it was like I can hang with

This guy you and I have never bonded really. Yeah, it's been a long Friendship we got Woody Allen. Yeah, have you seen a rational man? I loved it. It was good I've got bad reviews. I thought was pretty good. It got mediocre reviews. It's like 55% 39 it was 50 at some point 39. I just checked. Oh wow it was higher than before I got a hold of it. It's worth it's worth saying I thought it was great But I'm a good I'm a woody I'm for everything he's ever done even the kid touching well. He didn't touch her he married her That's not so bad. That's made an honest woman out of it Yeah, I love bullets over Broadway. Just love

Oh my god, so such a Broadway Danny Rose Everyone says I love you is one of my favorites. Yeah sisters is great. That's my number one. Yeah, and her sisters is great Yeah, you know why it's great. It's like the perfect affair movie. Yes I'm a crimes and misdemeanor man myself. I love that. Well that affair ended worse A rational man is unbelievably similar to crimes and misdemeanors, but still great Yeah, very similar. I just read the girl on the train. Do you guys read? Yeah, what is it? It's a it's a book It's it's the longest running number one on the billboard charts or whatever the book is New York Times bestseller Billbook charts in the UK 20 weeks in a row

It's a big movie over in England and now it's sweeping this nation And I read it in two days. It's fantastic. Alright, I'll check it out. What's the premise? It's a crime novel and this girl is on a train and she keeps looking at these apartments out her window of the train and she starts to see it's a kind of rear window-y almost and then she becomes involved. That's one of the best movies ever.

Yeah, she becomes all involved with everybody and Really unravels, and it's guessy and I think I'm like a middle-aged woman when it comes to books I know it sounds great in a bubble bath. Yes. I loved a gone girl as well the book the movies a piece of shit Oh, come on Shit, we window is like we windows like the ultimate movie of its time like the way like Seinfeld you can't recreate because like it's so much texting stuff. Yeah. Now that would like unravel it. Right.

Same with, they tried to redo Reel Window Disturbia. What a piece of shit movie that was. Oh, I could see that. With Shia LaBeouf. Well, they have to write in stupid shit now, you know? For the phones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, they're like, he can't find his phone or something.

Right. That's like how they do it because they're like, get out of the garage. And he's just like, well, I can't find my cellphone. Yeah. It's the worst. Yeah, he got drunk and lost it. I think I told this on the podcast maybe. I went and saw Rear Window in the theaters. We might have talked about this. And it was such a fun because-

Wait a minute. How old are you? In LA. It was like the special movie night. I love that though. The old movies in the theater. I love it too. Yeah. It was great. but then the big punchline, what do you call it when it's not comedy? Climax. Climax.

The Jimmy Stewart's falling out of the window and the shot is so cheesy that the whole theater erupts in laughter. Wow. At the climax, and I'm like, you fucks. Suspend disbelief, you fucking jerk-offs. It's shot in the 30s. It's also like the greatest director of that time

and they're laughing at him now. Yes. One of the best of all time. Yeah, ever. Yeah, it's just they didn't have the technology so he's like, you know, Stuart's like, woo, woo, woo, and like it is a little silly. There's a movie screen flying behind him.

He's hanging out of the window. Yeah, but it's like, don't ruin it. But that's the beauty of Scorsese. You'll never laugh at that. 100 years. Well, we don't know. Hitchcock, people were laughing at that. Yeah, but Scorsese. You'll never laugh at that. We don't know. Hitchcock. People are laughing at that. Yeah, but Scorsese came in the 70s and the technology had come around. So you can have somebody shot in the face.

But like The Godfather has the Mo Green shooting where he shoots a guy in the eye at point blank and blood comes out of his face and he puts his head down. It looks silly. Which is a little silly. But Scorsese was always grittier than that anyways, and too good for that. He's got the new movie coming out. What is it, White City?

It's about a book. The Devil and the White City? There it is! Scorsese's directing that? With Leo. DiCaprio. I know DiCaprio, but I started reading that book, but then I, it took too long to get into the biz.

It upsets me that I can't read a book about a serial killer in the 1800s, but a book about a woman taking a bubble bath and seeing a murder I'm like whoo. I can't stop trains. I shouldn't have given a gay voice. That was offensive I didn't know that was gay. So you're all right. Oh, okay. Well, I thought it was a little girl Well, oh geez. Well now you've done it Anyway, I bumped into my episode of last comic standing aired and I did the yoga joke where I say homophobic and I bumped into a gay friend Of mine he goes. Hey, you're not really homophobic. Are you I just want to make sure

Jesus Wow, and I was like if I was homophobic I wouldn't go on NBC saying I'm homophobic Exactly words just go together you fucks. Yeah, forget that we say things to get laughs. Yes Which is weird to forget because that's the definition of the job. I know, but people like, comics are the one group that are not let off the hook for that. Like, if you see a comic talk about, even talk about something dark, people are like, no.

Right. There's the same people that see a Tarantino movie, and they're like, yes. Yeah. They're like, cheer on a Nazi scene in Inglourious Bastards. Right. Or they'll think Christoph Waltz was awesome. Yeah.

You know? But it's like, you don't understand'll think Christoph Waltz was awesome Yeah, you know But it's like you don't understand that we go to dark places to make jokes to it We'll use a maybe the word homophobic is the right amount of syllables exactly horny homophobic and relaxed alliteration and and the right Syllables but but also not to be fair Tarantino also gets hammered He does for using the n-word 500 times in all these movies so people I mean it's not like people were just like that's great for sure and then he won an Oscar for a script that has the n-word in it 700 times two Oscars now what goodbye pulp fiction and what's the Django did he win Django he won for Django he won

best screenplay yeah wow anyone both of those and the n-word is in it probably 500 times combined so he gets plenty of flack Well, if it's good, it's good. Yeah, but he's got Sam Jackson with him It would help me if I had like Mateo stand next to me while I do my jokes my arm around him People would be like, this guy's a- I mean, lauded But also it's just trigger words I don't think they really care because how come they only take that we've had this argument before but if I do a homophobia joke and then I do a joke about how I'm a millionaire no one goes hey are you actually a millionaire

why why do you only take one seriously one of them believable ah yes well that's the end of that and it's personal to them I guess that's what it is also last cut you're just gonna get that I'm primetime and you're just gonna get some idiots I'm getting the funniest tweets about last comic because I got I got knocked off and there was this Woman on my episode Amy Miller who I don't know But since I got knocked off and she moved on every tweet is tagging her he gets knocked out in this bitch So and then I just feel bad. I don't know what I feel bad

She seems fine, and then now I think she's just like reading. She must just be reading Searching her own name because they're name because she's not even tagged it and showed us right back like fuck you. Oh my god. Oh yeah, this is what we keep talking, you can't get involved in that stuff. You can't feed in the trolls. But hopefully she's not mad at you.

No, she wrote something about like, oh I'm sorry, I guess I ruined your chances, I just wrote back apology accepted. Ah, I like that, I like that. But yeah, dude, you came off great. I was happy how I came off on the show I mean for being knocked off. They aired my whole set. Yeah, it's good people love it I keep getting tweets that are like I hope you don't get the samarill treatment He's the funniest guy on the shit like you're getting so much. Yeah, I got a lot of nice positivity

I'd have had a fun night after that because Keenan well what happened they aired my zing on Keenan Here's an interesting little tidbit that didn't make the show is that Keenan said to me I like you know Norm compliments me Roseanne compliments me and then Keenan's Ivy Wayne says I like some of your jokes but I didn't like others and I said well I liked all your scary movie films and that gets a really big laugh and nice and then he said I only did the first two and that gets a big laugh but it didn't get a laugh when he actually said it, they sweetened it.

So he got a laugh. And so then I'm like, I come off, I'm like, well I won that, that was cool, whatever. I'm in the food area, because that was the last comic of my group, and Norm comes over to me, and we have a really great conversation. He's like, where did we meet? We met before, and I said we met at Caroline's

like five years ago. Five years ago! And he said, I only remember it because I never go To carolines that we talked for a while. We have a good talk. He was like I love using on Keenan I'm feeling good, and they don't call me and norm actually said to me See you in round two in the set or I can't wait to see you in round two something like that Yeah, they show that yeah, they showed that oh good

So so yeah, so and then norm is tweeted like I don't I agree with half the decisions like each episode You know he it's he doesn't make the choices himself and of all the people that you want on your side He was a guy that I wanted of course so then I go out to I'm in a bad mood Obviously after this I know what I signed up for but I'm getting drunk. Yeah, you were bummed. I was bummed I wasn't like I I was in a place where I was seeking too much fulfillment from from this Right and you need other happiness in life in a place where I was seeking too much fulfillment from this. Right. Yes. And you need other happiness in life or you're going to be a miserable person. Well, in a real comedy world, you would have succeeded.

That's the part that's a bummer. Unfortunately, this business is not a real comedy world. Exactly. You know, like, you can't wait for the industry to just hand you shit to make you happy. Right, right. So I go to the bar at the hotel. I'm drinking with a lot of the losers, you know? We're getting smashed and I just end up staying up all night drinking, and they picked me up

at like 4 a.m. for a 7 a.m. flight. I was up all night. I was coming in the next day, we were texting. Yeah, it was not even me. Because I was arriving and you were leaving, so it was a fun juxtaposition. Well, I get to the, I'm up all night, I get on the flight, and I just, I'm randomly seated next to my childhood friend, who I think Mark, you've met, actually. I've met this guy Chris cool

I kind of I know this guy grew it up. He's the fuck up. No, that's Adam. I got some funny Adam stories All right, I saw him in AC a couple weeks ago. Oh the general gambler only comes cuz I'm gonna play an ace He's getting it together so Chris his sister is sit next to me on the flight and Just randomly sit next to me. I grew up with this kid. And she's like, Sam Burrell. I was like, yeah, she's like, how are you?

I'm like, before I can even mention anything, my last comic and the fact that I'm bombed at like 7 a.m., she just starts venting me about her friend's suicide. And I'm so tired that I just pass out in the middle of her story. And I wake up as we're landing. You committed like a mini suicide. And as we're landing, I was just like, well,

it was good catching up. And she's like, yep, good to see you. Oh, that's classic. That's a five hour flight, too. Yeah, I mean, I was a mess. You should have said, I missed the ending. What happened? How did it turn out?

How was the funeral? Oh, boy, that poor girl. That guy. She didn't wake you. She didn't wake me. It would have would have been great though if she was just like still going as i woke up and i think we know she just she was just told i just told i was really drunk and tired yes that she was to school that if they have science is so

i wanted to address real quick as i we didn't get uh... i get to before uh... that uh... it's norm made a thing about me where he said your future is in writing and unanimously everyone has taken it the wrong way and people are tweeting at me being like fuck norm you're great and he doesn't know he's talking about you have great stage presence and he had to like tweet to be like no no I think he's good he just meant it's writing is better than acting and he has to keep tweeting so people thought that that was offensive. That's a huge compliment. Yeah, I thought it was the greatest comment I've ever received in my life

That's a sad state of affairs people like writer like no writers good Well, I think cuz Anthony said oh norm just called you ugly and it got a laugh. That's a funny line It was a great line, and I was ever offended for a second about any of it I was thrilled so it's weird. I people I think took it the wrong way so Lay off a norm it was a meaningful compliment yeah it's just people read into so much stuff they get so angry on Twitter and then even when they're in your favor sometimes you're like dude settle down yeah I'm doing all right I'm fine yeah yeah yeah it's interesting I hate to shit I know you're on the show but I'm gonna shit on it. Yeah. This is me talking, not Joe.

But like, Roseanne and Keenan are so out to lunch that I can't even stand it. It drives me crazy. And then Norm comes in and they make him look kind of like this kooky weird old guy, but he's like the sane one. Yeah. You know? And he's like, yeah, I just don't know what you're talking about. I didn't follow it.

And they're like, we love you. And Norm's like, I'm not on board. Yeah. And I'm like, thank God. And I'm sure people at home are like, oh, he's the Simon Cowell of the group. And it's like, no, no, this is a special thing. Stand up comedy. And you guys don't get it and he does.

Listen to him. Right. It just bugs me. I agree completely. Yeah. There's like so much, Roseanne is just playing it safe with positivity. Yeah. And she's very nice.

She's a very nice person. Sure. You know? But how often is Roseanne at the clubs hell often you know how often is keen and at the clubs I never drops in occasionally It's like very rare. I'm sure right does he do an act. Yeah I mean he was a good comic back in the day what what like yeah back in the day Keenan. Yeah Really yeah, I mean Damon was like the beast Yeah, I'm like Damon Wayans was like the guy who everyone was like this is gonna be the next Eddie Murphy right there was a point my level Damon Wayans is the funniest person I had ever seen in my life

He was funnier than Jim Carrey on the show. I thought it was like Damien and then Jim Carrey Yeah, and then he started getting very dramatic Yeah, well he did Moe Money and Blank man very dramatic. Yeah yeah the last boy scout though you're right right and that stuff that was when Sandler was hip Sandler who am i thinking of Bruce Willis I'm thinking of bulletproof that was one of the worst movies have you tried to re-watch that one I think I saw it on a hotel it's like it's the worst movie I've ever seen yeah it's pretty bad well they did Celtic pride

written by our friend Colin Quinn whoa I, I didn't know that. Yeah. Wow. Quinn was on Seth Meyers last night. I watched his segment. It was so funny. Oh, yeah? He's the best. At some point he starts telling Jerry, he's like, you know, he could have done this. He goes, I'm not trying to rewrite Seinfeld here. Ha ha ha. Wow. So wait, Chris is the good one. What was the Adam fuck up? Is he the guy who tried to get the whore? What are you talking about? Adam, your old friend? Oh, Adam? Oh, okay. I was just in Atlantic City. Atlantic City? I was just in Atlantic City. Adam is his mom was a hoarder. Uh-huh. Addie, Adam, everyone Adam's stories ends with, uh, and then I woke up next to a crack pipe and a hooker. That's every story.

We gotta get him on. What are we doing with you here? He doesn't ever have sex with the hooker he's just I think bored and kind of lonely and he just like wants to hang out. Yeah. Wow that's like that's the biggest commercial against crack I've ever heard. You pay for hooker and then don't fuck her. That's worse than losing your family and shooting your face off or whatever the hell people do. Speaking of drugs real quick I wanted to get this one out there. This is a good window into our obsession with our phone and being desensitized and all this. I was walking through Union Square the other day and there's like that little skid row section, you know,

on that park. And I saw these three people holding down this other guy and they were shooting heroin, I assume, possibly Botox, into his face. And I was like, ah, I had to look away. They were shooting heroin in his forehead or his eye and I was like, ah, I had to look away and there was shooting heroin in his forehead or his eye or whatever you shoot, I guess maybe his temple and he was like, all right, it's gonna be easy, just go easy and I started from like two feet away and then here's the story, I forgot to tell anybody for two days. Yeah. It's like as soon as I walked by I was like, that was disturbing. Then I check out my phone, I tweeted, it was kind of New York but it was more like phone, social media wrapped up because I'm like that was disturbing and I check out my phone I Twitter it was kind of New York

But it was more like phone social media wrapped up cuz I'm like start tweeting and then I'm like I gotta buy that book for Sarah I got the book girl on the train I'm going backwards here, but I went and bought the book and I bought Judd Apatow's book and I'm flipping through that I meet up with Greg Stone. We start chatting I Facebook post I go my Sarah and I catch up I'm like, oh did you see this dumb idiots's tweet? This person ate it. She bombed. He stinks. Right, right. And then literally the next day I'm like, I forgot to tell you I saw a guy having heroin shot into his face. Yes! In person! Oh, and just forgot it! I forgot about it. That's insane! That is crazy. Like a normal people that should be a story they tell, they lead with. Yeah, in South Dakota. That's your opener.

Yeah, you have nightmares for years. Yeah was texting with uh... taylor catch a lose the past guest in a former junkie and he was i was like a nation and there are any like no sick but any vein but i google i think some people do shoot into their island or i you've got to really done you know with your vein in your arm in your tone i think they go to the feet afterwards yeah they they want to hide but maybe the head the head it's I don't know I think they're obviously and they had a dog too which was interesting that always frustrates

me that always frustrates me yeah cuz you love dogs I do like that I like cats too I like animals oh we really trashed cats in the last episode really the cat had fleas yeah but that goes back to a great norm joke because they ever see a hobo with a dog longest walk in the world for that dog that's a classic what about his homophobic joke the dogs oh they say when you're homophobic you probably are you're probably afraid of gay people oh yeah if you're afraid of gave it you probably actually are gay and he's like that's that's gonna wear some really afraid of dogs

uh... i've heard worse version of that joke that the media he's got a great when i was like i saw a guy at the gay pride parade is it was like a mom said i'm i'm a proud parent of my gay son is like what are you proud of the in accomplice uh... yeah he's a good rest on it. Yeah, he's enormous. It's a legend. Yeah, he's the king. All right, let's go ahead. I just want to say I saw a guy get shot shoot heroin like two weeks ago, and I didn't say anything either.

It's very strange. Yeah, Tompkins Square Park. I was boxing with Sergio and a guy was just looking around all shifty and shot it right into his like his back of his knee or something. Oh, wow. Yeah, and you can see the needle go in and shot it right into his like his back of his knee or something. Oh wow. Yeah and you can see the needle go in and everything and then he did like the lay back and the eyes rolled back. It was crazy. Wow it seems like fun.

I was thinking about DC Benny bit you know about the guy. Yes. He's like I saw a guy doing Tai Chi in the park in Brooklyn in terms of he got close he just strung out on heroin trying to stand. Oh that's hilarious. That's a great, yeah the act out is what sells it. Not the best podcast joke but. It works. I love it. I think it's a great idea. The act out is what sells it. Not the best podcast joke, but that's it works I love it. I think the great bit

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a little side note. I'm watching Family Guy and and Seth MacFarlane, I guess makes a joke yeah, but it's saying how the cutaways how shitty Bridgeport is Oh, and then he turns to the camera. He goes, what are you gonna do? Write a letter? And it gave me such satisfaction after let me tell the story the gig Yeah So these guys get in touch with me to do a gig and it was like the Thursday night It was pretty good money for like a one-nighter. So I was like, all right, let's easy to get to train

they'll pick me up they come to see me at Eastville comedy club in the city and They see me have like an unbelievably good set because the crowd is just so hot. It's like one of those sets, I'm like I know if they're expecting this it's not gonna happen at their venue. You know? They're already, I can tell a little bit of a problem.

They're all drunk. One of them keeps referring to himself as the muscle of the group, which I'm like, these are not my type of people. You know? If you're like the muscle. So the gig comes, they're like come early, we'll get you pizza next door. And I'm like, I don't these are not my type of people, you know If you're like the muscle so the gig comes they're like come early We'll get you pizza next door and I'm like, all right sounds good. We get pizza. There's a basketball game on

So I'm talking to you know, I love basketball We're talking about basketball and then the guy who refers to himself as the muscle of the group says yeah I mean, I just did a year in in County for swinging clink and I was like, what does that have to do with basketball? Yeah, I was like we were talking about basketball. Oh, yeah I guess it does have nothing to doink. And I was like, what does that have to do with basketball? And I was like, we were talking about basketball. He said, oh yeah, I guess it does have nothing to do with basketball. And I was like, are you trying to fuck with me or something? I kind of said that.

I was like, are you trying, I don't know what you're trying to do. Yeah. Slinging clink. Is that coke? Yeah. Clink is a word for jail. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

I did a year in the clink for slinging coke. I misspoke, I misspoke. Oh, I missed you. Slinging clink. Slinging clink, he was dealing prisons. Yeah, yeah. But that that which is a real thing No, but yeah, so I'm just like right out of the game I'm kind of like who are these people what who am I dealing with and I know a bridge

I know it's like kind of like a real blue-collar city. Yeah, so I go on by the way the nicest way to put it Yeah, I'm trying to be Boston a blue-collar city, Connecticut's a weird state like that We're like every ten minutes you get like the nicest area in the country and then the next ten minutes Away, it's the worst area. Yeah, it's a weird area one of the richest states, but has three of the worst cities crime-wise Yeah, I mean it's it's it's a strange state so I I do the gig It's a nice venue called the Bijou theater, which is a it's one of the yeah It's one of those old theaters that is like, they have old movies,

they play like Casablanca there, it's kinda cool. I love the theaters like that. Or Rear Window. Yeah, I love it. So I go on stage, I'm already out of the gate, like 10 minutes in, I've been heckled every joke. This one guy, he is humongous. Like I can just tell by his upper body,

he's gonna end my fucking life. So I'm like delicately putting him down. I'm getting laughs, putting him down, like kinda, like, I'm trying to be subtle about it. We're at like the 20 something minute mark and he's still heckled. Like it's every joke. And I'm just like, dude, at this point I just go,

dude, shut the fuck up. Shut your fucking face. I'm like, people came out, they probably hired a babysitter. No one gives a shit about you. Stop talking, you're a fucking Neanderthal. And it gets to that point, he gets face. I'm like people came out. They probably hired a babysitter No one gives a shit about you stop talking you're a fucking neanderthal Yeah, and it gets to that point he gets up, and I'm like okay He's bigger than I thought he was like he had a big upper body He's a big lower body too, and he's like starts walking toward the stage

And I'm like god fucking damn it of course this always happens in rooms that are not police because no one's shushing him right right So he just keeps walking towards me, and he goes I'm gonna kick your fucking ass and I'm just like, well then I'm outta here. I'm not, I'm just, I'm speaking into the mic right now. Yeah. And how old is this guy? White guy, black guy, 40s, 20s? He's a white guy, just looks like a big meathead. He just looks like a guy who played football and kept working out. So like in his 20s? Yeah, late 20s I would say. Wow, alright. And maybe early 30s but he's huge. Yeah. And uh... What's his beef? He's just a dick. He's just mad that I called him a Neanderthal, probably. Ah. But before that he's just a drunk moron. But also, like, yeah, of course, he's awful.

Yeah. And also, like, if you're not a dumb Neanderthal, are you really gonna step up and be like, what did you fucking call me? Right, yeah, yeah. So, he comes over to me, and, uh, he's trying to get on the stage, and I'm just I have a cordless mic so I go okay No one's seriously no one's gonna do anything. I'm like looking around the room for someone Yeah, I'm like all right. I'm not making enough to pay for medical bills, so I'm out of here I'll see you guys later, and they start booing me the crowd yeah

I they might be booing the situation situation. I walk off. I have the mic with me. I'm in the green room And climbing on the stage yeah,, he's trying, he's trying. Some woman runs back, and I guess another woman's like, it's like great security to women who are like, with the same build as me, basically. Right. She's trying to barricade the door. This has actually happened to me a couple of times where people like try, and women always like come into my aid.

For some reason, you're a very controversial figure. And you're as sweet as pie. You know what though, on stage you feel invincible, so you do shit on people. For some reason you're a very controversial figure and you're as sweet as pie. You know what though, on stage you feel invincible so you do shit on people. Oh yeah, it's a problem that comedians have, I've been talking about it. So I'm in the green room and she walks up to me and she's like, what do you think you're doing? I'm still have the mic in my hand, I'm like, what am I doing?

No one's policing the room, this is ridiculous. She said, well you can't, this is not acceptable. I was like, have you ever done stand up comedy? She said. And I was like, have you ever done stand-up comedy? And she said, no. And I was like, have you ever been punched in the face? And she's like, no. I was like, well, then you're not qualified to tell me how to behave right now. Yeah, I'm getting heckled nonstop. Yeah. The crowd is, the crowd hears all of this, by the way, because I have a mic in my hand.

Oh, I love it. So it was just like booing nonstop. The guy, it takes like seven minutes or so, which is like the longest seven minutes when people are booing you. Yeah. And then they finally, she like, she understands. I go back out and I I do another 30 minutes. And it takes me a good 10 to get him on my side again. Wait, where's the guy? Is he chained up now? He's outside and someone heckled me, he's waiting outside for you.

Jesus! And I remember the biggest laugh I got when I was like, you know it's a classy gig when afterwards you gotta plan an escape route. Yeah, right. Which I did. They were like, he really was waiting outside for me. Wow! So somebody did kick him out. Yeah, well I guess people booed enough where they're like he really was waiting outside for me. Wow somebody did kick him out Yeah, well I guess people booed enough with like you got to leave or he's not gonna come back out

Yeah, couple of girls which is hilarious it like you come off as a bad guy because you don't want to fucking fight Yeah, you know it's like it also just shows how Disrespected comedy yes, it's like you think any politician ever has to deal with that They're giving a speech right and they're just like please quiet down please yeah i have a jury get rid of people yeah there are several politicians have been shot in the face that's true for sure but they were really good politician that's true and i thought you'd like to low-level people that you wouldn't care about right and there is a

secret service they just dropped the ball yeah we have no service no but i just picked this guy pacing outside punching his palm oil he was ready to go yeah he was. And then they had to sneak me out of back door, which also feels so degrading to be snuck out of back door to avoid a fight. And yeah, I finished the gig. It was humiliating. Did you jump in a car? The guy whose gig it was was super apologetic.

Oh good. I mean the non-muscle guy, the other guy. Where the hell was the muscle? The muscle dropped the ball. Yeah, the muscle should the non-muscle guy, the other guy. Where the hell was the muscle? The muscle dropped the ball. Yeah, the muscle should have been there. He was sling and cling. I actually asked him, I was like,

you know you refer to yourself as the muscle and you did nothing. Wow. That's terrifying to me. I would never come back out again. I would have ran while he was still in there. They didn't say this but I kinda did the math and I think he was one of the muscle's friends.

Oh, that makes sense. Those muscles stick together. Yeah, he was the muscles friends. Oh, that makes sense. Those muscles stick together. Yeah, he was the other muscle. That's fine. None of us have muscles. Interesting. See, I have a weird thing in my head where when that shit happens I gotta go out and talk to the guy.

Like, I would be like, what is it man? What's the problem? He didn't seem like the type of guy that really cared about reason. Sure. No negotiating. Yeah. I had been punching the face like a month before. Oh really tell us that. Whoa It's not that good a story. It's just I was in Seattle. I was at a tiki bar and

Tiki bar. Yeah, I was single. I was with this open my opener this guy Andrew River. She's a good guy Yeah, I know Andrew Rivers. Yeah, and we best friends with Adam from Tacoma. Ah Well, we basically were just out and this guy, this guy's, oh this guy's, I was talking to a girl, her friend kept kind of cock blocking me and I finally just insulted her for cock blocking me non-stop. She was like my friend's not interested in you. I was like well she can tell me that, you don't have to keep telling me that. She just kept saying that to me and then I just insulted, and her boyfriend just sucker punched me in the face.

Oh! Like, pretty, he's a really big dude. Oh, Jesus. You didn't see it coming. No, I didn't. You were a sucker. I was a sucker. I, all I felt was bam, super hard.

Wow. I was just like, Jesus Christ. And the one good thing I felt about, I was pretty drunk, and I can't fight, but I can take a graceful beating. How interesting. I'm not a good fighter, but I do, yeah, I didn't go down or anything.

I just kinda turned, it was kinda badass. A graceful beating is a good name for your next devil. Yeah. Oh. It's like cool hand Luke, he just keeps coming back. Yeah. But he doesn't get a punch in. Dude, that was one of the bunch of that was a lot less attractive

Yeah, I can't let's face it. Come on Paul Newman. Yeah Yeah, come on. What can you do? Is that right? Yeah, well just his dad's half I guess sure Newman very a chewy name. I'm thinking of Juman I'm having the worst bomb in history. I got a story. I got into a new fight in Cleveland I don't think I've ever told this story on a podcast, but uh that I told you the white knight story right yes Okay, this is what happened. I was uh wait. Is this the same story no it's a different story What happened with this? I just got punched in the face and I iced my face at a bar for a while so and that was it that was this

All right, well that was that I told you it's not a good story. They kicked the guy out No, they didn't so you just had to sit there with ice in your face? Yeah. Oh, that's pretty funny. Yeah story It's all perspective Yeah, so yeah, this one was this was a better one. This one's a I think more interesting story I was in Cleveland and I was out after a show Hilarity is a great club and I was drinking the banana pepper martinis there and I was like pretty drunk. Banana pepper martini? I love you. They're fantastic. Really?

I mean it's like a dirty martini. Banana pepper. Does it taste like peppers or bananas? It's like a spicy martini. It's fantastic. Wow. I recommend it. Try it. It's a martini bar. They have special, oh you can try it. You can try it. I like a martini but I hate the glass. Yeah I don't like it either. You spill, it's pretentious.

Yeah, you hold it. You have to smoke. Right, I always tell the guy, give me martini in a rocks glass. And they go, so you want a rocks martini? I'm like, no, just pour it in the glass. They can never. Because you come with like a cigarette holder

and a copy of the New Yorker. Yeah, exactly. So pretentious. And a top hat and a monocle. I picture you drinking martinis in a Burger King cup with a straw. Hey, I've done that before. Well, I've had a bunch of drinks and that after show i start talking or a really

hot older woman we start kind of she's with a friend who's the worst i hated this guy he's just like he's he's by me drinks we tell you by me drinks to keep me away from her the friend that's with the girl you're trying to fuck is never gonna be a good guy never he's not gonna have a nice is gay maybe maybe yeah he's in the friend zone and you can i can tell he's pissed about it. Of course. He's not happy. He doesn't like that she's talking to me. I know he's gonna be a problem, so I do the classic.

Once he goes to the bathroom, I say, hey, let's go and get some fresh air. We're outside, we're just making out against like a... You're making out with a guy? With a girl. Ah. And, uh, that'd be a good way to get rid of him. You slipped on the old banana pepper. We're making out outside. It's hot and

I say let's go to another bar because he's a problem and she said fine. So we go this has to bang We just go to the bar right across the street. Right. Where are we again? Cleveland. Cleveland. Okay. This is like the this is when Cleveland was kind of shitty because LeBron was still Miami. Kind of shitty. Yeah, it's worse in the America. Yeah, we have but it's downtown is nicer when LeBron's there. That's worse. Yeah, yeah, we have but it's downtown is nicer when that's true Yeah, but uh with the bar across the street. It's going well. I'm like alright. Let's go back to my place She's like let's go back to your place. Yes. We're walking out the guy is there. He's smoking a cigarette outside Oh boy, what a cigarette to I like the bar. Oh the bar. Yeah, yeah the guys outside of your place

No, no, no, he's very the hotels right across from the from me Okay, I had the shortest distance to get to me. Yeah. Oh god, so he's into her. Oh, yeah, okay And he's like a creepy looking dude. He's missing a tooth. So he's done this before I'm guessing he's missed in a tooth from a fight yeah, you know and He just goes oh, where you guys going? He's acting all friendly, but with that kind of like cunty tone Oh, yeah, well, I know I'm in trouble, you know, yeah, and, where you guys going? He's acting all friendly, but with that kind of like, cunty tone. Oh yeah. Who I know I'm in trouble, you know? Yep.

And he said, where you going? I said, oh, we're going back to my place. And he gets in my face, he's like, you just gonna like fuck her and then fly back to New York? Yes. I was like, yeah, that was a game plan. Yeah. I was gonna pitch it to her differently, I don't know.

I can't believe old Toothy has given you moral advice. This guy sounds like a first class jerk. I did not like him. Yeah me either Yeah, I was like I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna move to Cleveland. We're going back to the ass I'm gonna go back to my hotel. He goes you're not going anywhere And I'm like drunk. I'm smoking a cigarette, and I'm like blowing in his face I'm like ready. I'm like drunk enough that I want to fight this guy where is she during this episode She's just quietly right next to she's there. She's there what and she's not getting mad at him

I think fuck you Tony she seemed a little mad at him and I think I fuck you Tony she seemed a little scared of him yeah I thought my god yeah yeah but then like scare but also like you know it seems like an abusive friendship it seems like yeah like he claimed that pretends to be there for but then doesn't let her do anything one of those right that's the thing with these towns

there's no nothing to do people just befriend these idiots exactly and that so I so I say I'm going back to my place and he goes, He goes, you wanna fuck or you gotta fight me first? Oh! And I'm just like... This is hot. I'm so angry at this point, cause I'm just, I don't wanna fight,

but I'm like so fed up and I'm drunk, and it's been like hours of this guy doing this shit. What an asshole. This is the plot of The Girl on the Train, by the way. What does he look like? Big guy? Ponytail? I'm bigger than him I think I could probably take him but then you're like well these dudes include these always good knife or something I don't know what like you don't fight with any grace they're very cavalier and the toothless so I I take a

puff of my cigarette I blowed in his face nice and I say you're not fucking worth it and and he goes okay okay. And he walks away. And this is when the girl goes with him. And I'm just like, I'm not even gonna object. I'm not gonna object to this point. What can I possibly do? This is an abusive relationship. Oh yeah.

But this girl's an idiot, obviously. She's an idiot. And I'm just like, well that's that. You know, what do you, like, it's not worth fighting over. This guy is a creep. Sure. So then as they walk away, there's a guy, it's Cleveland, it's downtown. It's super cold

I think it's like February or something. Oh and Valentine's Day and He this guy's in like a white fleece with a matching white Sweatpants, and he's just like kind of crouched on a ledge outside, and he just says I wasn't gonna let anything happen to you Whoa, and I turn around I was like who the fuck are you why he's your angel Yeah, and he said I patrolled this area, and I was like you mean you work for that bar and he was like no Huh? Oh wow like what do you mean you're like a vigilante and he was like yeah kind of he's like Clarence I

Don't know that is oh, it's one of our life It's a one-over life. Yeah, but uh yeah, he said yeah, I but try don't like that. I love Cleveland I'm gonna let anything happen you and we just start talking for a while Yeah, he's like a kind of a he's like a thick dude Yeah, he looks like he could he looks like you take a beat and I was like well Don't you get hurt like doing this and he's like yeah, man I got stabbed a few months ago and neighbored my kidneys and I was like, oh my god neighbored your kidneys Like this is a bad motherfucker to talk like that. Yeah, who loves Cleveland?

I know I guess if you grew up there you put that you like I guess about like cities like that They like remember Scott Robb the writer. Yeah, we hung out with diehard Cleveland all like certain people are obsessed with these towns They come from yeah, because it's like a point of pride. I get it. Yeah, and and the guy was cool We talked for a while. I was wasted and I was like, what's your superhero name? It's like the snowflake and he said I go by the white knight Wow That's like I'm so drunk. I'm like that's fucking cool, dude. Yeah, I Ended up going back to my hotel room, and I wake up the next morning And I get an email and it's from and I told him to come to my show tomorrow night like the next night

Yeah, I'll fucking be there no question, and he police the room. Yeah Use them in a beju yeah the room yeah yeah well I don't I wake up to an email from him and it says I would have he said I'd love to make it tonight which I get this means I had a business card that I gave my no I was like I should network with this guy seems to be alive person in my life and he he said I'd love to be there I picked up a shift at work so I can't make it sign Noah and then in parentheses the white night Wow so his name's Noah picked up a shift at work so I can't make it. Signed Noah, and then in parentheses the white knight. Wow.

So his name's Noah. Picked up a shift, they showed his light in the sky. We had to go rescue a... It was a Batman thing with the Chipotle logo. Wow, that is amazing. Yeah, it was crazy. And did you ever hear from the girl again? Never.

I feel like that guy probably went home and beat her within an inch of his life with a belt. We're talking to a Jew face. I guess. I shouldn't be a Jew face. I guess. I shouldn't be laughing at that. I laughed at Jew face, not the beating for the record. Jesus, that's terrifying, that poor girl. Yeah, man, people are in messed up relationships.

I also think about that, like, when I'd go on the road and I was single and I'd log on to like OKCupid or something, and it'd be like the same five people in this small town, you don't have options. Yeah, exactly, that's what I'm saying But man, I wonder what would happen if you fought him because that is when a guy goes you got to fight me That's pretty intimidating also how great would that sex be if you just knocked him out and then you're like, alright, sweetie I feel like that would be a big turn on to her and you yes Well, what if I fought him he beat the shit out of me and then he fucked her

Oh, that would be a turn on for him. Yeah, that would be sweet. Maybe that's how they roleplay. Maybe this is like a whole Thing they do that could be and then you blew it because you didn't yes, and I'm you're like I never mind They're like fuck we gotta go find some other two-faced to do this to right like it's like improv those people Yeah, he was buying you drinks. Yeah, but it's like you know when people are buying you drinks But they're like good show, but like it's their way of maintaining control of the situation. Yes, yes. Right, and he's trying to get you licking up so you're a easier beat. Yeah. Right, right.

He was a nut, and it's not my type of city, Cleveland. Yeah. There's something off about it. There's parts I love about it, and then there's parts that I'm like, there's a lot of dudes like that. Yeah, they got a great Little Italy, though. Oh, do they? Mama Santas, the best restaurant in the country. It's amazing next time you go mama

They make their own pot. It's family owned and ran or run however runnies 70 years and they make the pasta on site. It takes like a half hour best meatball I've ever had it melts in your mouth Wow. Yeah, it's unbelievable mama Santa's mama Santa spectacular free plug Yeah, and people you're getting that meatball.'s like chocolate it comes apart in your mouth. It's like amazing you're gonna wait a while But they're cranking the pasta in the back. It's all I love that lady, and she sweats and it's tits Old Italian sweaty tits yeah, that's the best cooks in the world Oh, yeah, I'm got those they got a good little Italy and they got a good sports thing Happening and they got a rock and roll Hall of Fame. I love that place

Yeah, me too. That's uh, is that where they have the Fonzie statue? Is that Cleveland? I don't have a Drew Carey statue. I believe I think Milwaukee. Yeah Fonzie's Milwaukee Yeah, well, I'm gonna Hall of Fame is amazing because you're watching that slideshow and it's like all these different bands inducted year by year And it'll be like blondie Leonard Cone and you're like oh my god all these people were told they sucked at one point. Yes. They're all doing something so different and they all succeeded. It's inspiring.

I love the Rockin' Roll Hall of Fame. Yeah. It reminds me of that montage before the Village Underground when that show starts. That gives me a hard on. Oh my god. I get goosebumps. You got a picture in there. I got in.

Rockin' a tell. Yeah Chris Rock and David Tell riffing and me just looking super uncomfortable and Phil Provencio snaps a photo of it. Yeah but you don't look too uncomfortable you just look like you're like hey here I am rocking like a hurricane. You're just like oh man these are like two of the best comics ever. Yeah. And you're just, you're listening to them riff and you're just trying to not, you're trying to be a fly on the wall not Eve's Drop would be annoying but I was going on next.

Yeah, that's crazy. That's what it was. Yeah, that's the best. Wow. Yeah, it's Robin Williams, it's Dave Chappelle, it's everybody in that thing. Now your album, we can't wait for it, we were there for that, talk about that.

Yeah, you were there for the early and Mark was there for the late. Yeah. That was awesome. That was awesome. Yeah, that was a fucking wild night. Great night. Oh my god, so fun.

That was a spectacular recording and so much fun. I'm thinking of doing like an album party at the underground and I'd want you guys to do sets on it if I did that. Oh, that'd be great. So I don't know if I'll do the underground or like a different bar, but you did that at Cabin. That's like a good thing I think to do like a party, right? Yeah, but Comedy Central's real cheap, so that's why I did it at Cabin. That's true. I don't know if they would want to rent out. Well, I was thinking about do like a party right yeah but county central is real cheap so that's why I did a cabin that's true I don't know if they would want to

read well I was thinking about doing like a charity thing like maybe I do like like if we give the door to wounded warriors because the seller is gonna pack out anyway wounded warriors I would do some research on wounded warriors really they're one of these I'm serious I've got a bunch of stuff for them they've become famous they're one of these people like like Red Cross they get about 2% are going to veterans Are you serious criminal? Yes wounded warrior looking up? I'm gonna look into it. Yeah, look into it I'm pretty sure I'm getting that right, but yeah, they're like

Alright cool. I mean if I'm not people if anyone's listening to this fucking as written in stone They were dumb right, but I'm pretty sure wounded warriors a criminal activity over there I did a benefit for them on New Year's a few years ago with Tom Shalhou and it was it was great It was a great show. Yeah, there's a lot of fun. I heard that Mother Teresa's a cunt Well hardy har but look it up I will know yeah, so we'll do we'll look into it before we did we decide a charity Yeah, yeah, I'd love to do something. Yeah, the CD went great. It was a lot of fun List their Norman their Mackie Davido the whole crew. Yeah, great. Great. Yeah, the CD went great. It was a lot of fun. List there, Norman there, Mackie. DeVito opening.

The whole crew, yeah. Great, great. Yeah, DeVito was great. I think we're, John, your roommate was there. Yeah, oh yeah. Nimesh came out and all these guys. A lot of people came out, yeah. A lot of people there.

It was really nice. I banged that redhead that night. Ooh. Yeah, that was fun. That was a wild night. Love a redhead. Yeah, she was red. That was a great, and the the redhead. That was a great and the Fat Black Pussy Club is such a great place to party. Oh and the free drinks are flowing. There's a VIP section and when does the album come out? The 23rd of October? I think it comes out the

23rd. I'll maybe do like what I might do the party a week or two before just to like give out some copies and stuff. I thought albums came out on Tuesdays. No, that's a blockbuster Aha the rock and roll album music albums come on on Tuesdays and so the comedy albums is that minded that was such a weird Night to me book of me cuz like I had led up to when I was a little kid I had these camp counselors that I love and they came out to my taping Oh, no, these big macho dudes and I remember They they were just fucking wasted at my taping and then afterwards they're like we fucking love you if you ever need anything if you ever need us to kick someone's ass I'm like I don't need anyone's ass kid what are you talking

about? They're white knights. I have a lot of white knights in my life. But they're like they're such good dudes it's a weird combo of people you grew up with that your comic friends even my mom came out you know my mom and dad were in the crowd, I'm doing that that story about getting a blowjob. Oh yeah. It's that my mom is involved in that she didn't know about till she's it so I see her put her head down in embarrassment and shame with a big kill so I you know. Can you tell that story because that story is not

believable. It's insane. It's insane yeah I'll tell you the whole story. Have I heard this? Please. If you're at the taping you heard it. Okay well there you go. It's unbelievable. It's insane. It's insane, yeah. I'll tell you the whole story. Have I heard this? Yeah, it's crazy. Please. If you went to tape and you heard it, yeah. Okay, well there you go. Yeah, this was a crazy one. Okay, this was, here's how the story happened.

I was, I think I was with Rachel Feinstein that day. We were working on like a web show she had at the time for official comedy. Yeah. And we were just writing stuff for it. And then I ended up meeting my parents for lunch. And I get a text from a girl. I went on a date with this girl on okcupid after I had a horrible breakup I was in like down in the dumps a few years ago. I was down in the dumps from the breakup and

You remember you remember I was like a sure yeah, you remember yes, and we were bummed out about it and you want to hear about it and This is like the first real like date. I went on like I had hooked up with a couple people There's a first thing I was like I need to go on a date. We went out for a date she's beautiful girl and we made out a little and I remember I remember when I kissed her she was so I thought she was such a proper girl It was like cold in New York and I kissed her and as I let her go. She said oh my I didn't expect that And I was wait. I was turned on by that. I love that proper. Oh my oh my yeah It's like throwback. Yeah, I got the vapors the vapor picture with her backless dress

And then and I was hammered and I said you better fucking expect it And I never heard from her ever again. She said oh my and you said you better fucking expect it. Yeah I didn't expect that. Oh, yeah, I was by I was terrible. I felt a humiliating Been there so bad. It was pretty was in bad in retrospect. It feels worse. It's bad after an oh my I didn't expect that You better fucking expect that. Yeah, you're supposed to be like well. There's plenty more that came from sweetie or something Well, I never I text her a couple times ago, and then she just it was like once or twice She never responds my that's that whatever she texted me out of the blue I was I was this is that day. I was with Rachel. I was at lunch with my parents in the bed I revealed that I'm at lunch with my parents, but like I met lunch with my parents

They she texted me. Where are you? I just said I'm in Union Square She said I want us I said why I said I want to see you and I want to get freaky with you It's the textual truth freaky. See that's worse. That's weird. Right? Yeah, that's way we ever forgot We don't I hear that, I'm like, I don't care what that means, cool. Sure, sure. And then I wrote, oh yeah, with the question marks. I don't know to respond.

I don't get that text every day. Cool-Aid guy. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. But she said, do you want to get your dick sucked or not in the message? Jesus. I know, it's forward.

And I said, when the bit, I say, excuse myself and lunch with my parents. And I, because I don't believe it's forward and I said when the bid I say excuse myself and lunch with my parents Yeah, and I and I because I'm you know, I don't I don't believe it's her in my mind I'm like someone like your mind goes to like someone stole her phone or something Sure, maybe some and is like trying to rob me. Yeah, you know that's Greg Stone or somebody It's too good to be true. She Asian. She was yeah Turned into a round eye. Yes. So we're at, so I call her and she's like,

look, it's me, I've had a bad week at work, I just wanna see you and I wanna fuck you. And I was like, good enough for me. Yeah. So I hang up, I go back to my mom and I told my mom, I was like, ah, this audition just came up, I gotta get outta here. And my mom said, go get him, Sammy.

And I was like, god what's a big trouble little China go get him Sammy is like engraved in my head now yes so I'm off I go there and I remember I called Rachel so I was with her I was like hey this is a weird thing to say but this is really shady like she invited me this girl invited me to a different address and when I dropped her off And it's just I know people sublet in New York But for some reason it's a little ready I was a little weirded out by it and she said why are you doing this and I was like, I mean

I'm a guy we do this that you know, you know why we do it. Yeah, I can ejaculate in somebody's mouth Yeah, I hate that whole thing. But why do you do this? Well, you know look women just they don't most women don't aren't wired that way and and see how stupid this sounds like they break They break down the facts rather than right but to reverse it. There's a woman at home going Hey, I want to suck your dick right now. Right? You know, that's why I say most women. Yeah But Rachel yeah, she just said okay. I got the address. I texted to her She's like I'm like if anything happen, but she's like I really hate that you're doing this and I'm like got it

Thank you, and I hang up I go to it's like a luxury building. It's a very nice building when Williamsburg She he comes she comes downstairs, and I say I need to go to the bar and get a drink because it's the afternoon I don't like to just jump into these things. I like to have a couple of whiskies. Yes, he said I've whiskey upstairs Let's go upstairs. She looks beautiful, and I'm like, okay. And then this I remember thinking was weird. She had this like Japanese bourbon that's, I guess it's not bourbon, it's whiskey. But it was like a Japanese whiskey. And I was like, that's a weird thing for a girl to own.

I remember I thought that. That's a weird thing, because that's like a high-end whiskey. I don't think of women as, I think like vodka or something, or wine. Banana pepper martini. Yeah Something gay but uh, and then I she poured me a drink I downed as you put another one I sift on it

We just start making out and then she starts going down to me. The place is not decorated at all It's like it looks like a new place. I'm like, this is a weird place for a woman to live Yeah, she goes down to me and then she just stops all of a sudden and she's like gee I hope my roommate doesn't catch us and I was like yeah, I also hope your roommate doesn't catch us Let's go to your bedroom, and she said no I want him to catch us Oh boy, and that's when I should have fucking left obviously that's that's a that's a giveaway I wouldn't have left either yeah, I mean I wouldn't even have thought of leaving yeah Yeah, but I mean that's like in retrospect that that was maybe the sign, and maybe her way of telling me, ready, you know?

So we just go in her bedroom, she continues going down on me, and her boy, I guess the door swings open, she's still going down on me. Oh my god. I'm still hard. And a dude just standing there, he's jacked, he's wearing a tank top, he's all tatted up. That's the guy from Bridgeport. He set me up.

I've been waiting for ya. He's just staring at me and she's still going. Wait a minute. Is he Asian? No. Uh oh. No, no, no. He's not. And he's staring at me. And I just like...I just kinda turned to him and in a moment of panic

I said, can I help you? Wow. She's still going. I just said said can I help you? Wow. She's still going I just said can I help you to him? You know you should have said oh my. All right all together. I didn't expect that he's like you better fucking expect it and no I said he just said are we gonna do this or what I said do what and he said, her. Oh my God. And I said, I think there's been a miscommunication.

I start speaking so businessy. I'm like, there's been a miscommunication. And he gets closer to me and he's like, you're either in or you're out. And I'm like, that's such a rare feeling. I feel like that confused, but with a boner. It's the worst fucking feeling. I hate it.

I'm terrified. I'm really like, in my head, I'm like, they're gonna rob me. They're gonna rob me. That's like it, I'm terrified. I'm really like, in my head I'm like, they're gonna rob me. Yeah. They're gonna rob me, that's like where my head's going. I'm feeling like traumatized. He gets close to me, he's like, you're either in or you're out right now.

And I'm like, well I'm not doing this. So I remember being so scared, I don't even pull my pants up as I walked out. I kinda did like a waddle out, I grabbed my backpack and I left. And I turned to her for like some assurance before I left and she was just like shrugged like mm-hmm We tried yeah, yeah, like like we wanted you to be a part of our game

Well guess what your game was not fucking consensual and disgusting yeah, you could have asked me if I was into that totally I was one of your first if that was one of your hot exactly that was me doing that to her right? Oh my god. You'd be in jail. Yeah, but I mean also if it was one of her female friends I'm sure I went out a problem with there was a fact I'm like this the guy made it scary and that's what I felt what it's like to be a woman in a fucked-up situation Of course the guy made it scary also like dude Can you be more vulnerable than having your dick out right a guy just staring at you? So I remember I called This is the best part. I called Rachel who's furious at

me but she's okay that I'm, she's like thrilled that I'm okay. She's like I'm mad you did this but I'm glad you're okay. I called Phil Hanley, said the exact same thing. I just needed to talk to someone. You needed to talk to two women. You should have called me. I would have been like what are you an idiot? Get back in there. Well that's what Dave Smith said to me. He was like I would have done it man. Really? Yeah he's like I would have stuck there. I wouldn't have done it. Well then, yeah, it was just too creepy. I mean, it's just not my thing.

And then I remember the best part is my mom called me at the end to see how the audition went. Oh. Oh, that's hilarious. I didn't get the part. Yeah, I said it. More people went out than I anticipated. That's funny.

Maybe she said, go get them, Sammy. Go get them. She knew about it. Go get them. See, I feel like, I mean, this guy could have probably pulled it off with a little finesse to just go in there like you in or you out. It was intimidating. Yeah, like, go like, hey sorry to barge in. I've also had that thing on like internet dating sites where girls like, I have them with a guy but we're in a group stuff and I'm just like well absolutely not yeah right you know but I think but from their standpoint I think their plan is pretty good because I think we can debate this but what percentage of men do you think would have been like all right because I think a lot of guys have that fantasy it would be excited at

least at least 40% of men would have been like great yeah I'm saying you're right I think people have into it but I'm saying their execution was not good this guy coming in is bad news I think it would they could have done better by being like hey would you be into Fucking doubling up on me with a guy that makes more sense you know i'm with my parents right now Thank you anyways right but i do think a minimum of 40% of men would have been like Boy this is weird but get on over here you hunk it's also different when you know the guy in a weird way because you know The guy yeah no no if you you know the guy Yeah, no No

if you do know the guy cuz like if like say like if I walked out and we are three one of Combo of us two would like drunk and that's really hot girls like I want you to both take me Yeah, and we look at each other and be like we won't tell anyone about sure I've done that before we'll do it except on this podcast maybe right and I hope that guy's Gary Veeder Yeah, that would be the most fun orgy ever. That would be ideal. It would be adorable. You could throw both of them around.

But yeah, just the, I mean that makes it feel like at least safe. But like the idea of a stranger walking in and scaring you, maybe that was part of their fantasy. Yeah. Yeah, maybe. Seems like it. Boy, you've had a lot of threesome things. Close calls. Yeah, a lot of intimidation stuff.

Yeah. But, you know, I mean that one was like, that one did me wrong for a while. That one was like, ooh, that messed me up a little bit. Yeah, that's like a short story. You have trust issues. But now you're all settled down and... Yeah, I got a girl I like now. Yeah, that's great.

Don't worry, Gale. You seem happy. I'm happy. Yeah. Things are going well. You look terrible. I'm the happiest I've worry. Yeah, you seem happy. I'm happy. Yeah. Things are going well. You look terrible. I'm the happiest I've been. I'm the happiest I've been a while.

You know, I'm like. You're the white knight of comedians with the industry. What do you mean? You give them the business. Do I? You don't stand up to that industry, baby. Well, in what way? I'm just saying, you tell them what's what.

Your management and whatever. Oh, I guess I do. Yeah, I don't know. Oh. Oh, yeah, I uh, I Have a hard time you just know me. I have a hard time That's why I had a conversation with her before and I just want to make sure on good terms because I would have come here In a bad mood. Mm-hmm, you know cuz I can't fake a good mood, right? I am like who I am always, you know I can't just if I go on stage in a bad mood

I'm gonna be in a bad mood for the set and maybe the set will turn me into a good mood But I can't fake right I can't fake it You're not fake and I remember the whole time we were dating you never faked one orgasm Not once you always came right on me or apologize for not We got we got to wrap it up here boy. I just flew by Guests the abroad stories you didn't yell at us. It was terrific. I was fun man. I cried Oh, this come out Week comes out two weeks from today, which I don't want to give up all our secrets, but what day is that? I don't know August. Yeah, something I can't do the math. Come see me at the uh punchline in San Francisco than the punchline in Sacramento

Yeah, what do you want to plug there Sammy Boy Davis? Well, I'll be at Carolina Comedy Club August 26 to 29th I think. Good club. Yeah it comes out that week. It's alright. Yeah it's fun I mean and then I'll be I'll be on Conan the week before so you could find the clip probably on YouTube. Yeah you heard it here first folks and leave a nice comment for the man will you? You might have heard it here last actually. I don't know when this comes out. Oh yeah. But yeah, and yeah, just like you can go to my calendar, samorail.com, and I have a bunch of dates up there. And the album will be available soon? October 23rd I believe, and I've listened to the Rough Cut, I'm not happy with a lot, I'm pretty happy with it, it's good I think. And October 24th is the half hour. Yeah, you and me man, that's insane. Yeah,

it's a big night. I got to tape with Donnelly get to debut with you i get that i get to be with friends all the time it's great that's great well thanks for coming on buddy and at sam marill right yes uh... and check about two hours one l back-to-back m's in their uh... at sam real and then you know us at mark norm actualist comedy follows up on instagram your mark normand on instagram there one word and then what's the fan page on facebook uh... just mark normand fan page yeah you have one now i'm comedian joe list so give that alike and uh... check out last

comics dinner coming down to the wire i'm rooting for you man thanks buddy uh... fingers crossed will see what happens i'll tell you uh... to see good people go far you know yeah uh Yeah. Thanks. So yeah. And great comics. I didn't mean it just, you know. So we're gonna wrap it up. Thanks for listening everybody. We love you. Appreciate it. That's Sam Morrill. Thank you. Oh my. Hey now folks check out the audio only version of Sal Volcano on Tuesdays with Stories back in 2001. Thank you. September 10th.

You are now checked in to Stand Up New York Labs. Oh yeah. Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard.

And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Dorman and Joe List! Yeah!

This is Tuesdays with Stories everybody. Ah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And we have begun everybody, the show has started! Yes it has! I'm Joe List and that's Mark Chocolate Lips Norman over there. I'm munching down on a chocolate covered Oreo thanks to our guest who brought them in!

Sal Volcani! Hey! covered Oreo thanks to our guest who brought them in! Sal will count on you! You know Sal from The Crack of the Joker, Staten Island, and maybe even the Tenderloins. I like that Staten Island is a credit. That's when you know you're really doing it. It's more of a demerit. I haven't heard the word demerit in a long time. I'm trying to bring it back. I like it.

We are eating on the show! Sorry, these are phenomenal. I'm high. I'm very high. What what are those things chocolate covered Oreo? Oh, wow. Yeah, they're good Maybe I'll take one for a spin, but I wasn't diabetic. I'd finish that not on air Yeah, sorry lost a foot last week by the way. Yeah, they chopped it off on crutches nothing to do with the diabetes though No, no Gator attack misplaced it So good to see it the podcast Listen to the podcast and every time that I listen usually for a few hours after the podcast I speak like the two of you

I like speak along while I'm listening Come on you crazy. That's fun to do. Have you ever been offended by the podcast at all? No, but I've applauded him for his candor on the podcast, which I cannot believe doesn't get him into trouble. Then I found out that it does. Wait, who's him? Oh, Mark Normans. OK, wait, what do you mean?

What did I candor? You're very frank on the podcast. You really lay it on the line. You leave it all on the dance floor when you do it. I do, Frank Sinatra. I learned more about you than I ever knew that I would know yeah I mean, I think my parents listen to this because they have no idea what I'm like Actually, don't listen don't listen, but thank you. Yeah. Yeah, it's it's so much fun

I try to keep it honest, and I think you do too is we go pretty honest. Yeah Yeah, I think so, but I don't I don't fuck as many human beings as you do right that part is getting me in a little hot water That's the hot water. That's the only real hot water. We've ever gotten into I think I'm also the girls hot gash So it's it's a very frank. It's a balance if a gas is hot though. You'd be pretty disappointed warm You want a warm vagina a warm hatchet wound a hot vagina would be troubling yeah I wonder how many vagina euphemisms we can come up with right now hatch Cunt hatch wait cunt is not a hatch euphemism is it well you know what I mean uh term eulogies Yes, what are they called?

Euphemism I'll give you ten bucks if you lick your lips clean right now you got chocolate all over them It looks like you just uh ate a chocolate covered Oreo Is that what you call them? What do you call it? Gash? Not hatch. But let's do hatch. Snatch. Snatch! Here's a gross one. Slit. Oh We used to say squish Who's we? We my friends and I and my dad. In reference like I got some squish. My aunt's yeah We'd say kick her in the squish or punch her in the squish.

I like that. And only with violence. Or squid, even. There's an old school honey pot. Oh, that's fun. Yeah. Then there's clam. Muff.

Muff, yeah. Beef curtains. Yeah. Meat curtains. Meat curtains, yeah. Roast beef. Yep. Oh, yeah. Yeah, oh meat curtains. Meat curtains. Roast beef. Yep. Yeah. Oh, well we just lost All the female fans and the gay fans. Well we could do dicks too, cock, balls, but the balls isn't one Yeah, well if you want to do the balls we could do balls. Testicles, nuts, nads, cods, gonads

Pills my uncle calls them, makes me laugh My uncle says bells bells kicked in the bells Yeah Just cuz we know these doesn't mean more bad people we just grew up in a place of a fun We're fun Frank bean bag a bean bag is one. Oh, that's fun. That was a great scene in something about Mary You two should be kissing my hairy fucking bean bag Speaking of which I love the Seinfeld references all the time, too Oh, yeah, a lot of side people with those I keep up with those on a big big sign. Yeah

It's it's something of an influence on the show My father wore sneakers in the pool My mother has never laughed not a smirk T. He maybe Huh look at that picture. That's amazing. We got we might have to turn this Television off at some point because it's very distracting leave it on but you know what I mean? Yeah, there's the Kumiya. Ah On the picture. He's not on the show We'd really get in trouble then yeah, but anyways, let's get into something spicy. Let's get sexy. Let's get horny Let's get whatever you were just in the great city of Cincinnati, Ohio.

Well, I can tell my Cincinnati, but I'll tell it quick because I want to get to Sal. Oh, we got to have Sal, yeah. We got a goddamn celebrity in the house for Pete's sake. Yes. That's silly. Are you a celebrity? No.

Oh, come on. No fucking way. I've seen the honey pot, you swim in. No, that's not true at all. I haven't actually, but I assume you're doing all right with the hatchets. The hatchet, yeah. Well you're doing alright with the the hatchets that yeah Hatchet yeah trim is another one Remy skirt That's a general women though. Yeah, I know what I don't like the VJJ all

Oprah did it and it's like everyone doesn't know anything. It's cutesy too cute Oprah gross Yeah, nothing cute about a vagina what I love a veg. I love a vagina they think it's cutesy. Too cute. Oprah, gross. Nothing cute about a vagina. What? I love a vag. I love a vagina, but it's not cute. Like a penis is cute if it's little. Like a hard dick is not cute. Right, well if it is, you got a problem.

Right, yeah, you got a little, like when it's just a head with no body, it's cute. Like a kid dick is cute. Kid dick is cute, especially when they're red. Yes. Oh, what about kid dick euphemisms? Let's really let's really let's dig deep pee pee wee wee sure uh-huh pecker. Yeah, yeah Like Johnson would that be a kid now? That feels very man to me noodle long is that a child that feels long?

Hog is that a child no fuck more kids yeah, yeah, Hogan Hogan We had this conversation before we used Hogan, but you never heard. Oh, I don't know, but I like it Yeah, some penis on your son. Yeah Take uncle milty outside But anyway you told me why I've had nice tits I'd be like thank you So I was in since I'll tell this Cincinnati real quick because last year I did Cincinnati go bananas and the kid that MC Josh O'Neill, uh-huh wonderful guy. I already told the story fucked up

But anyways, he's a great guy and a great MC It was his first weekend ever MC in a club and he was underage at the time too and just a young adorable boy And after the I did Cincinnati I was telling the stories talking about him I quoted two jokes I was like you guys gotta see this guy he's a young hot up-and-comer and he's great and then you go what's his name I said Josh McNeil aha I said the wrong name after this guy he's a fan of the show and he's all excited because I said hey you gotta hear these bits and I said the wrong name so fuck Josh McNeil unfollow him if you're following Josh McNeil

He's a douche swing over to the Josh O'Neil train Uh-huh, because Josh O'Neil is great and so now they've all been calling him McNeil back there. That's fun. It's fun Yeah, but one night I'm there at the club and the MC or the one of the guy bringing up the MC the the sound guy whatever the god mic Yes, he's bringing up the MC and he goes give it a go in for the great Josh McNeil and I have a panic attack cuz I'm like fuck I've been calling him Josh O'Neil all weekend I'm like I'm an asshole right so I go to Facebook and I look it up and sure as enough it's Josh O'Neil so I'm like I'm right he's an asshole this this guy in

the god mic is a fucking idiot aha so I go up to Josh and I'm like hey this douchebag brought you up with the wrong name. He's like no. No. He's making fun of you You call me the wrong name So it's a weird rollercoaster of emotions. But anyways Josh. Sorry about the flub 380 days ago. Well, I'm sure he likes it now because he's getting a little press. Yes, and he's a sweet guy He's growing he hit puberty at 21. He's like a man now press yes and he's a sweet guy he's growing he hit puberty at 21 he's like a man now he looks great and great jokes and you look good and then we went to Zip's cafe in Northside in Cincinnati he works there

love Zip's, have you been there? no. oh boy it's it's a great place. Zip's Asian joint? it's that's what I said it's an Americana built in 1926 and they have the old menu there guess how much for a cheeseburger in 1926 take a guess I'm saying dime. Yeah, I was gonna go dime. Yeah, you fucked me. You see you went too low 20 cents it was 15 cents. I ruined my whole story you jerk But you should have known what I was doing you should have said two bucks Buckle up everybody 15 cents, but that's all over now. I'm off. I'm out. I'm leaving is it still 15 No, no now. It's a nine bucks

Oh, they didn't keep the prices now now now that would be out of business But anyways he made us a cheeseburger Sarah and I Sarah came in and opened which she was great We had a great time, but he made the burger he made the fries, and he paid so thank you Josh Wow he paid for you. I think he gets a discount and then paid for the rest I guess Sweetheart, I bought a chipotle though. Ah yeah, there you go. That was the only two meals we had yeah But anyway of our restaurant, so thank you Cincinnati. Thank you zips Hit a gong we need a gong here. Yeah, we should have a gong Gong is another dick word though. We got three gongs. Dong. Dong. Let's make gong. King dong. King dong was the ring ding

Do you know this? No, you don't like they had the ring dings, but then there was a ripoff of it called King dong Oh, wow, I always thought that was crazy that they called it King dong. Oh wow hey That's very sexual. You know what a ring ding is? No. It's like a yodel. Yeah. It's a yodel. Ah jeez. Stop it. Wait, I'm a southern gent. I don't know these East Coast. You know like the Drake's Coffee Kit. You know all about it. It's not East Coast, it's a mass produced. Yeah. Well we didn't have Drake's Coffee Cake downtown, I'm telling you that. Yodel, ring ding, uh. Is it a Swiss roll? Yeah, similar to that. That's like the cheap, that's like the. The That's like the the the shit version Yeah, the shit version. That's a little Debbie. Yes. Yeah, that's where you buy a sleeve for like a dollar. Yes

Little Debbie worse than Nabisco who makes yodel yodel. I believe is Drake's Oh Drake's that's right Oh, we got a guy. I don't know what this is. Can we get a photo? It's delicious It's like a cake with cream, and it's chocolate covered to decide. It's a little dick It's like a small dick. Yeah, really? Yeah little yodel Yeah, you can't but you can't beat it by the way and you throw them in the freezer It's a really nice treat. Yeah, Sarah and I eat yodels in bed almost every night. Wow. Yeah, is that true? Yeah, he you have one guy eating them every night. Yeah, you have one guy never heard of them That's right. It's cooking the yin-yang of the of the cake industry Yeah, you got one guy in the boat looking that way. That guy looking that way one goes east. He goes west. So what? Yeah, cake industry. Yeah, one guy in the boat looking that way that guy looking that way one goes east the other goes west so what?

Yeah, oh wait Over a yodel. Oh, yeah, that's a swiss roll of where I come from yeah Yeah, but let's get spicy here. I know nothing about you. You're from Staten Island. You're a handsome fella Not really thank you. I didn't even shower today. I'm high right now. I haven't showered either I haven't showered either Okay, great feels good explains the seafood smell. That's three no showers one shower Lupe I asked that's one tuck like to point my toes No, I'm high. I'm not even kidding. Oh, I'm not a high person. I don't do it I don't do it. I do it like once every few months if that Oh, you don't look how you look I'm fucking high, and I don't I don't like feel good about it right well that explains the Oreos

Yeah, no I took it someone gave me a weed a Edible ah last night around midnight It's great. It's still going wow Man, I that's why I was a little late. I was up just staring in the hotel. I was just staring at the wall until about 6.30 a.m. Weed keeps me up too. Oh, God, it's not no good. You want to just go away, right?

Just to go away. You feel like you're in your own mental prison. Right, right. So I'm feeling great. You don't look or seem stoned. You seem very well put together. Thanks. Can I ask a question?

I'm afraid I'm going to hurt your feelings. We just met. Oh, boy. You have a mark in your eye. Yes. Is that a story behind that? There is look at your right eye. There's a there's like a red dot. Oh, yeah, I've never seen that before Yeah, I'd never be offended by that. Oh great. Yeah. No my sister. I hit me in the face with the Malibu Ken doll. Oh my god No, this was like 30 years ago. Holy shit. I think I was in fourth grade. It went in the eye?

His hand went right into it. Oh my god. Fell back, hit my head, went to the hospital. I'm so glad I asked. Yeah. Wow, a Ken doll into the eye. Yeah, the plastic hand, and it was the one with the real hair. Oh my god.

And he had on like some tropical shorts and nothing else. I remember it coming at me. Do you remember the pain? Was it painful? It was a blinding. She hit me in the eye and I couldn't see out of the eye for a while. Oh my god.

Wow. For no reason. No reason. Wow. She called me into her room and I was like ignoring her. And then finally I was like, she kept calling me and I walked in and I was like, I look both ways. And I said, where are you?

And she jumped from behind the door. I was like, ha! Boom! just hit me in the face. Holy shit Did you take revenge on her? I? Mean her now Joe I mean we've gotten into fights in our past. It's been a it's been a few months though Yeah, like nothing physical from four months now. Yeah, well, and then you have to patch for a while I was fucked up. I thought it was gonna go away, well, then you have to patch for a while. I was fucked up I thought it was gonna go away right my dad says to me the other day

You know that could turn into cancer you should go to the doctor now Now I'm freaking out about it. Thanks pop. It's cool. I'm not paranoid or anything right now because of the wheat So I'm glad we brought it up. Why would it why would it turn to cancer though? It's a scar said he saw something on the internet or something or other and he said that I need to get a check periodically Because I don't know who to believe anymore. You know what I mean? Wow. He's like, you need more problems in your life. Here, enjoy this. That happened one time when I was a kid. Mike Leary was walking up the steps going, we were going to the second to hang out in his bedroom or whatever and there was like a colored pencil on the stairs and he picked it up and he threw it behind him and he goes, heads up. And our

buddy Dave Smith looked up and it went, it went right in his eye. the stairs and he picked it up and he threw it behind him and he goes, heads up. And our buddy Dave Smith looked up and it went, and it went right in his eye. Same thing and he has a scar but his was like in the pupil. He has like a white mark in his pupil. Uh huh. Which is crazy. That's, that's my worst fear. I actually have OCD. Yeah. And one of the things that I'm doing, I'm working on this right now, is if there's something

pointy, is there's a pointy object pointing at me. Like if you had a fork here and it was like angled up toward me, or you had a drink with a straw in it was pointing toward me, I'd have to literally, even if I don't know you, I'd have to be like, excuse me, I'm very sorry, can I turn this fork upside down or can I turn this drink around so that the straw is pointing toward you? Is that a thing about OCD?

Yeah. Because I have a similar thing, I've had that before in my life where I'm like, I don't like things pointing. Yeah, well for me, it's an OCD thing and it gets bad Like if I'm laying in bed and I look into something in the room over there pointing at me I got to get up and turn it. Oh wow But it's not always it flares up though. Yeah. Yeah, and it's it's not good. Wow. I think I have undiagnosed OCD because all these people that have diagnosed OCD say things and I'm like, oh I have that. Yeah. Right. Interesting.

Let me ask you a question. If something's bothering you and you can't make it right in your own head, how does it make you feel? That makes me feel crazy and anxious. Yes. Yeah. I do that. You get tense and anxious. I also have weird things that I have to step on where I'm walking and I'll see like a certain crack or a thing. I'm like, I'm going to step on that with my left foot.

That's OCD. That's definitely OCD. Yeah. That's definitely OCD. Yeah, and I have weird things. I used to blink all the time, really hardcore, and I would do that, and people would be like, that's OCD. And then I always flex my arms, I get nervous a bunch, and people have told me that's OCD. We're brothers. Yeah, I've got all these undiagnosed problems, and I think I'm dyslexic as well. Yeah, I'm definitely dyslexic. Nobody ever told me that.

I have a thing where I have to have things have to be even. Like if I if I grab the door handle and push it open, I have to touch the back of the handle. I mean, this has turned into a complete OCD anonymous. Oh, really? Well, not anonymous meaning because we're all they know who we are, but we all have OCD. Wow, I just thought it was like a fun game in my head. Yeah, well, that's the way you want to look at it. Maybe that's a fix. It is a fight. Never felt it was a fun game. I felt it was like a fun game in my head. Yeah, well, if that's the way you want to look at it, maybe that's a fix.

It is a fix. I never felt it was a fun game. I felt it was, again, a mental torture. Right. It's a theme in my life. Interesting. I sound like a downtrodden fellow. I'm not, I'm very jolly.

Very jolly. Let's get into some of this mental torture, though. I love a mental torture. You've been tortured mentally? Just by the ones who love me. Oh, well. This is not right. I'm not this guy.

Whatever you have on the list, get in there. I'm not a tortured soul. Let it out. I jotted down some things just because I don't know. We're not tortured. We're silly goofballs. We've got our problems, certainly. Who doesn't?

The driver on the way here, I only drove about 15 blocks from the hotel. Driver on the way here managed to tell me his entire life story. Told me that he goes, are you going home? I said no, I've got to stop up at 78th and Broadway. He goes, oh, they didn't tell me. I said, oh, I'm really sorry. He goes, no, no, you have me for the day, because the network, because we had to do some stupid shit.

Oh, cool. Wow. So, I don't know. But they have me doing things all day for free. So at least they can do this to me a ride. So anyway, but he goes, nah, you can take me to California if you want. And I was like, ha ha, I won't do that to you.

He goes, no, I'm serious. I was like, we've done that? And he goes, yes. I drove Billy Bob Thornton across the country and back. What? Yes, he didn't fly. Wow. And he goes, I drove him across the country,

stayed for two weeks, drove him back by myself. And then he said, we pulled back home. He got out to go to the bank, and then he came back out and tipped me. Wow. What do you, wanna play the game? What do you think the tip was? I'll tell you when this was it was 1996 it was during sling blade. I got a guess. 15 cents. You got a guess? I

got a guess. Nine bucks. No. I got a guess. You go. I'm gonna say $1,000. I was gonna say 10 grand. Wow that's okay so that's good. It's two grand Ruin it again Geez sorry two grand That's a nice tip. That's a nice tip now how far into that drive if I'm the driver How how many states can you get through before you go? What's it like fucking Angelina come on yeah I know this was before that maybe oh okay Halle Berry oh yeah right oh ball yeah really something make me feel good yeah

maybe feel good I bought the DVD just to watch just a masturbate for sure yeah sure I don't blame you it was it was when they started getting marked down like it was like 999 right right I'm'm not an asshole right She was so sexy. Oh, yeah, I've heard much of her lately No, how are you very much she up to I would try to get on the pod yeah, no luck No, no, it's returned my calls. Yeah, but she was a nice lady Sexy is a big old pie the black folk the black community hated that scene by the way. Yes. Oh really?

It was a big uproar. Yeah. How come? Because he's a white human. Oh wow. Yeah it was a racial thing. So that's the thing, we're all fucked up. You know, whitey gets a lot of the bad press, but everybody's got some issues.

I grew up in a black hood, they didn't like me. I think a couple of people did bits about it, but like's such a funny thing the idea and again someone does a bit about this and I mean to do their bit I don't know who it is but I think a couple people did but the whole point of the film is this guy is gonna overcome his racism. He's been racist this whole time he's this horrible racist right but he's overcomes it because he falls in love with Halle Berry. Beautiful black woman. The sexiest woman on the planet. Wow he's lifted his racism because he's now attracted and likes the most attractive

person on the planet. He had to make a light concession. It's like, you know, they should have gotten, you know, if it was the precious girl, it would be a more compelling story. Yes. You know? Yeah, good point.

Do you think there would have been an uproar if he banged precious? No. Really? I think it's the hotness that did it. Oh, so then it's not a racial thing. It still is a racial thing, but it's also an attract. Because you know, you see, you ever seen like a smoking hot blonde chick with like a dumpy

black guy? You're like, what you doing him? But then you see a dumpy hot, a dumpy white chick with a dumpy black guy. You're like, yeah, that works. Right. I got you there. Let me ask you this. If the scene was exactly the same, as intense, as steamy,

with Precious, would it have turned young? Yes. Just because it's so gross. Yeah, I think me too. They're going after it. Yeah. And get that fat kid in there, too, with the Hershey bars. Throw him in.

Who's that? He was the son. Oh, I don't recall. Oh, man. I'd like to see him in precious. No in Monsters Bowl Okay, her son was his fat tub of lard. I don't remember that Yeah, she kept slapping the candy bars out of his hand. Maybe it's weird that I remember that part more than the fucking Yeah, I just remember the fuck because it was on a couch. Yeah, and it was on the floor Yeah, it was really steamy Heath Ledger was in that as well No one thinks about that and then didn't he kiss his sister or something? No

Angelina kissed her brother kissed her brother right and then she would wear its blood no she were Billy Bob Thornton's blood around her neck Yes, yes in a vial a bit of a kook that woman She's a nut of a bit and then had her breasts removed recently is that right to prevent getting breast cancer to prevent it Yeah, wasn't that her well that's the definition of prevention. That's a little out there. Yeah leaving take the cancer you guys didn't hear about This is a huge story. She's got no breasts. I did I shut it out of my mind But she had really nice figure to it, but Rachel took them right. Yes member Gia you ever see Gia. Yes Yes, many an internet search for that that was like when HBO was like HBO It was nudity and real sex and all that shit pimps and hoes

Taxicab confession taxi cab yeah real sex uh-huh I used to watch all the real sexes Oh, well, I was like the closest you can get to like the porn if you didn't have it. Yeah, totally totally I've been going back and watching they're on demand or whatever because I have HBO on demand. And some of them are weird because it's like very 90s so the girls have like big poofy hairs and bangs and you can still get into it, you know? The weird part was that you'd watch them and you're like, oh, look at these prostitutes, this is hot. And then be like, the next segment is old man dick. You're like, what the fuck? Yeah, yeah, you got to fast forward. I still watched it. The brothel ones, did you see still watched it the brothel ones did

you see that love the brothel bunny ranch was amazing I just watched one in the apps like a week ago it was in Amsterdam and it was like a couple's mix and match what do you call that swingers swingers already typed it was a real swingery thing and I would not be into that yeah you ever you ever swing nah nah no swing. I It's not for me. Yeah, I can't be right look. I'm not homophobic, but I'm not gonna do well There's another naked dude or I'm with you. You know what I don't get the DP scenes Yeah, yeah, just block it out. I don't know straight porn actors Yeah, they're rubbing together their dicks are a half an inch away from each other and everyone's fine with it

Yeah, don't all point guys have to do gay first. I thought that's what the rule was that's what I told you That's a fallacy. That's what I heard. Yeah, that's what I thought. I thought that was like how you you make your bones No pun intended or whatever. I mean I did that with the open mic scene, but I don't know about the porn That's what I've heard and it's more money too. There's more money in it in the gay Yeah You gotta go either you go gay for the first five years you do the gay point in order to get to the other porn It's like the minor leagues or something. It's an old wives Tale, maybe you're right. We have no one to confirm it. Yeah, if you're gay and in the porn or straight call in

Yeah, well as I do against his porn stars. Yeah, there you go. But that's what I heard I think oh, you know, they told me that is the comic there the comic that was trying to do porn with the huge dick Ron Jeremy I don't want to say his name he's got a huge dog I'm sure he's fine with it he's got a huge dick was it the Creek Mike live with oh oh oh Shaki well you're saying his name yeah trying to keep him anonymous it's fine he was in porn yeah but I think that's what they told him they're like you have to go this route to Second opinion on that yeah, I think he did I think that he was like I'm out take it yeah But he's got a huge penis huge. She's a Niner. Yeah, yeah

Open with it. It's what he did the porn and we all were like how big you dig he's like it's nine Yeah, oh wow he's like a crazy mutant dick. He's half Egyptian. Oh He's got a real pyramid down there. Do they have big dicks Egyptians? They do now Wow Yeah, I know nothing of it. Well. What do you got on that pad there buddy boy? I mean, I'm just I jotted down some stories. I have an embarrassing story to have me. Do you guys know that I have a tattoo of Jaden Smith No, you don't't know I'm a huge Jaden Smith fan who's Jaden Smith will Smith son oh his son yeah a lot of people don't know it so that's always a an interesting topic of conversation after earth what does

he have to earth what does he do that you're a fan of oh he's pulling up his pant leg holy shit that's a thigh tattoo on the left thigh Good looking thigh by the way. Yeah Everyone thinks it's crazy, but I just think he's the next big thing and I've been following for a long time. Wow It's a real tattoo, but I had lost a bet I love that. I was on the show. I lost an episode of the show I lost and Joe got to pick out tattoos for all of us. Oh my god Yeah, oh, we couldn't see the tattoo until we pulled the bandage off. I did not see it until I peeled it off

I applaud your you're gung-ho. You're like. I'm doing it. Fuck it. Yeah, I mean we couldn't say no right in the show I could say no, but if you're getting punished at the end you can't see so he really just he really fucked me With it, but this is why your fans are so loyal because you you're fucking loyal So you had to sit there for what an hour how long this day three and a half hours three and a half hours And then you're getting a tattoo you have no idea what it is no idea now He's a pretty good friend though because he could have had a bunch of dicks with vomit on him and a bloody it could have Been a kid getting raped or something. Yeah, I mean, we wanted to air it and we didn't want it to be offensive in that way.

Right. You know, three of us had to get him. Hugh had to get one on his arm. It's a cat, because he has three cats and it says 38, live alone, has three cats. Oh, that's funny. But he actually loves it. He takes pride in it. Right.

And Murray looks like a ferret, so they tattooed a ferret on him. Mark, if we were in this situation, what tattoo would you give me? Oh man, that's a good question. Geez, well once you called yourself a giraffe, that would be your gay animal. Oh really? Yeah, so maybe a big giraffe down the back. Hmm, oh that's fun. I would take a giraffe down the back. Yeah, with the whole neck. I think we're gonna go size though. It has be about that jay does picket Smith sighs. That's his wife Oh, I'm not getting the whole family like I'm out like I will like I'm Smith's a rush more amount. I love that Yes, you should get jazzy Jeff on there throwing him out. Yes. Yeah Boy good for you. He'll died. Oh, yeah, right. He was also shredder James Avery

Was he shredder in the cartoon the Ninja Turtles cartoon? Yeah, he really yeah, he was shredder Yeah, that's where he made all his money those voiceover gigs. That's good dough. Mm-hmm. I met a girl that did voiceovers last night at a concert and She told me she did voiceovers for robot chicken. Mm-hmm, And then about five minutes later, she was on the floor, projectile vomiting everywhere. Oh wow. Yeah. Had to call the EMTs. Oh boy.

Middle of the concert. I didn't know her. I met her like moments before and everyone's like, stay with her. Like I'm just like, I don't even know her. And she's like throwing up everywhere. And I have like napkins. I'm like wiping her I was the worst thing in the world

Yeah, those adult swim kids are no joke And then I found someone who knew her from work and then I was like I have to I have to leave this isn't like Yeah, I stayed with her for like like 20 minutes wiping up a stranger Man, well, I hope she's okay. They said they had to bring her to the hospital. Oh my god Vomits worse than shit, wouldn't you say? I don't know. I guess it depends on the person. Yeah, and the kind of shit diarrhea might be worse than vomit But a hard shit, I wouldn't mind. Maybe you're right, but vomit is like it's acidic and it's mushed up food and there's weird You don't know what it is. Shit is shit. Yeah, I guess I don't know what's in shit either. It's also food

It's both they're both bad. Yeah, they're both very similar. So this porn with both of them, which one offends you more? I can't watch any porn. I have no wacky fluids. I like a Bukkake, reverse Bukkake. No, reverse the old dark bit, yeah. No, no, I'm not saying that you watch them. I'm saying if you did, which would repulse you more. Oh, I got maybe shit actually now that I think really good diarrhea

I both they're both gross. I could throw up just thinking about either one of them Yeah, but you've seen them now never seen them get you on record You never watch the porn that has a shit or I saw the two girls one cup I saw like a couple moments of it horrendous horrendous. Yeah, I can't Yeah, I can't get it on that. I noticed the vomiting, it's always dealing with Asians. Oh yeah? Is that right? I noticed that, yeah.

Asians are a quirky bunch, I feel. They're so repressed. It's like two sides of the, you're here or here, you're like a rocket scientist or you're puking on another Asian in the bathtub. That's what I'm saying. They gotta get it out in some way. They do all that weird, have you seen the news reporter porn? No. It's pretty cool actually it's a woman at a desk delivering the news you

know she's got papers and a teleprompter and a guy walks on the desk starts jerking off and just jizzes in her face and she never breaks you just keep telling the news oh my god pretty hot oh that's a must watch that's hot you got to watch it it's pretty cool I just taking a hot load while telling about you know fucking Dynamics or whatever yeah Does the does the broadcast of the news look real enough to make me believe this is a situation actually happened? Or is it kind of cheesy? It's a little design like a be be be be be be be be be be be be be if afterwards she stands up and goes I'm mad as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore This just in right I gotta look up some keywords there. What would I look up? I'd go Asian reporter come That should cover it you might buy my website if you do

Get the news and and a hard on But I don't like any kind of sexual thing or porn where the girl is not really into it. I don't like that either. That turns me on. Anything where she's just getting dumped on or she's like tied up or anything. I like the girl to be going wild. In fact, anything that the girl is into, that's what I like. Yes, I'm with you. I like the woman to be gonna be happy. Yeah, you know I wanted to be like oh my god I love this yeah, so you never watch CFN M. What the hell's that come on close female naked male. Thank you Oh, I thought that was a news network. Yeah, it sounds like What is again CFC and CFN M. What's it stand? Oh, I'm Sal yes clothes females naked males

Yes, so it's a bunch of hot chicks dressed You know in clothes jeans and a t-shirt and then a guy comes in and they and he's naked and they go Well, I like his balls. Oh, let me tug your dick and the guys like, okay And it's fun cuz they're into it and the guy is the the loser. He's the submissive one Oh, see, I like I like a guy submissive thing, but this sounds a little too weird for me. That's cool They're like... It's not that weird. No, I'm making it sound weirder.

They're at a picnic and they're like, I want you to bang me! And the guy's like, whatever you want! Oh wow. And they just sit on his dick or whatever. This is a filthy episode. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I want a reverse Bukkake right in! Send me a postcard! I want 30 women just creaming all over my eyes!

I want to be blinded. Boy, that would be a great poncho commercial. There's not enough good poncho commercials right enough good punch a commercial that's why you don't see ponchos there's no ads right never seen one yeah should be a good bukkake commercial the first you know that Morton salt with a little girls got the umbrella yes that would be

you but with jizz yeah but I want the umbrella I want to write my ears my eyes I want to be floating away tattoo there's your tattoo there's your tattoo. There's your tattoo! A bunch of vaginas squirting all over me. Yes. I like the parasol, keep the parasol. Keep it for effect.

I would need a safe word though, because I feel like as soon as it hit my eyes, I'd be like, I don't want this anymore, fuck you, I'm out! You need one of those flushers at a lab, you know, where you flush out your eyes. Right. I'm really picturing it right now yeah I'm pictured I have a big heart on you know what I don't get is these oh hey these these girls who take a shot now to not get a period oh yeah

yeah three months they go no period like a whiskey or Jaeger like a like a needle oh yeah they inject the whiskey I see yeah if that was the case then nobody would be and they don't have a period yeah and I think for them it's a matter of convenience yes but you gotta you gotta think like you're really disrupting some stuff you're messing with yeah cuz your uterine lining needs to shed you're in lining yeah well done buddy a pamphlet you've been googling uh-huh but it does seem very inconvenient these women that with the period that that is brutal.

Every couple hours you gotta go, you gotta pull it out, you gotta stick it in, and it's a whole thing. You bleed through the pants, the underwear, and then you're on edge. It really seems like a nightmare. I have no period phobia. You got a period, show me. Spotting, bring it on. I love a leopard.

Really, I'm the exact opposite. Oh yeah? Yeah. Not for me. You're a little meef no, I don't know what that is. You little Queezed by oh, yeah. Yeah, I mean I'd rather not why don't eat it sounds like you welcomed it I'm not into a stew or anything, but uh if it's there, I'm still banging. Oh, yeah I'll go down on you go down Stay up top on the top floor top shelf. Yeah

But there's all sorts of stuff going on in the area I just eat the cheese off the pizza let the crust nature's way said take it take a few days off I got no days off. I'm a workaholic I feel like if you go down with it the period it seems like you guys don't have enough in common You should be able to go you got your period for three days Let's hang out. We'll have some conversation. We'll talk we'll chat, but I'm trying to show hey I'm India and then what you like what's your take on this girl who's like yeah, I'm a period go for it Oh, they never enjoy it right. They're not into it. So they get horny on their joys

I guess the guy watching urge you to reconsider yeah, right. I'm gonna make a phone call. It's like What was it gonna say? Ah jeez I had an analogy there. I'm not coming overnight Natalie Natalie Yeah, all right, so what do you got on here? You got Nate? Let's look at an embarrassing story from Sal All right, I got a I'm starting to think this is just a to-do list that you're looking at Oh my to-do list is on here, okay, but he said bring some stories So like on the way over I just jotted down some stuff that came to mind. Here's something you got it. What's the job? Here's something that went over like it like I bombed last night to on stage at the at the upfronts I bombed I ate shit. Oh, yeah, it was bad

I was really bad But I bombed I was on I was at, on the road and I went to this fair or whatever and they had a leather booth where they like would engrave leather. So you can buy a wallet or a belt and they would put whatever you want in it. And so we were filming like a documentary and so I was like, there's an old little old lady,

white hair that ran the place and it says, we'll put whatever you want on it. So I've tested her, I said, there's a sign there that says you'll put whatever I want on this, on this wallet. And she goes, yeah, I'll put whatever you want on it. So I've tested her, I said, there's a sign there that says you'll put whatever I want on this, on this wallet. And she goes, yeah, I'll put whatever you want. I said, what if it's a little, you know, a little edgy? And she goes, oh, you know, we'll do it. So she goes, what is it?

And I go, put fat cunt. Ah-ha. So she goes, she doesn't skip a beat. She goes, no problem. She goes, open the machine, she opens it, which font do you want? Oh, wow. She puts fat cunt. Oh, wow.

They burn it, they emblazon it into the wallet wallet and I have a wallet that says fat cunt thought it was really funny right? That's great. So I'm carrying around the fat cunt wallet. My friends get a kick out of it. I'm at a friend's house for Thanksgiving. Oh boy. Families around the table and my friend brings it up and he goes oh tell everybody about that's so funny about your wallet. And so I'm like alright I was a little hesitant but I figured it was funny. I took it out I told the story I showed the fat cunt wallet the whole family sitting around the Thanksgiving table And I just got back like 18 complete silence blanks

Oh holding the fat cunt thing though like everything's out all the fixings around yeah, and it was just like I'd never felt even on stage. I've never've never felt so i'm so bad my skin was crawling i know that feeling at that point is the pull money out of the wall and hand it to everybody that's why i was one of those young people there too people were offended what is that well here's that's on them at some point but here's a life cunt in the comedy community has become very

whatever of the young community we say cut sarah Okay. The young community people, we say, Sarah and I always talk about this, we say cuntie all the time, she's a cunt, that's a cunt, he's a cunt, I got a cunt, I just shit on my own cunt. Yeah, it's like a British thing too, that's like another thing. Right.

Yeah. But in other communities, in other circles, cunt is not accepted. I can just say cunt in front of my mother, she'll cry and throw you out of the house. You know what I mean? But we just, we've become so- Beloved cunt. Immune, yes. Desensitized. That's desensitized. Beloved cunt, right. My mother she'll cry and throw you out of the house We just we become so love it kind of immune yes

Desensitize that's the sensitized beloved cunt right one of the best episodes in television history Season one episode eight curb your enthusiasm. Oh wow you know the episode yeah, I've watched it so many times. It's amazing It's the number one episode. It's a typo. Yeah, this is a this is a dirty episode I'm part of it that I make this really dirty now. We're dirty deep down, but you pulled it out Yeah, I don't think it's deep three red foxes like talking right now. Yeah, yeah, but uh yeah come on with the fact We're all gonna die one day get over yourself. Have a sense of you. I don't get that shit I get mad at them at that point. Yeah, I mean I get if you're not if you're pulling the wall out at church It's that midnight mass to put a thing in the bucket and go,

Hey everybody, look at this! That I get. Thanksgiving though, you're on my side. I'm on your side! And someone asked you to pull it out. Yeah, that's true. She'd be thankful for the fat cunts. Yes, the pilgrims would have liked it. Yeah, there was probably a lot of fat cunts on the Mayflower. I'm sure. You gotta imagine fat cunts since the beginning. Yeah. Fat cunt aborigines. Fat cunts with a, with a, with a vogue back then. All the Renaissance, they wanted fat cunts since the beginning yeah Aborigines fat cunts with a with a with a vogue back then all the Renaissance They wanted fat cunts not to mention you know the pilgrims came here They took over the land from all these thin cunts the Native Americans, so that's offensive Why is like a why is like when someone's too skinny why is that not an insult?

Why is fat if someone's too skinny, why is that not an insult? Why is fat, if someone's like, like, rail thin, why is it not? Look at the skinny cunt. Fat cunt is like a thing. I'm totally with you. It's the one that you gotta punch up things. Fat is worse. My thing is, none of us are really bald, but bald guys get it the worst because there's fat shaming, you're digging, you're making fun of fat people.

You can make fun of bald people all day, and bald is way worse. It's uncurable. Fat, you can lose. Yeah, that's true. Bald is worse, but you can call a cute, I look at cute bald. Just saying. Bald asshole. Bald asshole!

Trick or treat. Yes. Trick. Hate crime. We're a group. Yes. Yeah. That's a classic as well.

Wow, so you got, do you have the fat cunt on you? I don't. That's a funny thing to say Drop it right on the table. Yeah, that would be the leathery fat cunt That would be a good tattoo as well a big fat cunt right it's like I think you guys should do it Yeah, I can't get a tattoo. I'm afraid of needles. Oh, I'm afraid of commitment and they're permanent too. Yeah. Yeah, it seems You'd always have your period then if you're a woman. Yeah, I'm not Not into a since a young age can't get what about when you got to draw blood? Oh, I don't like a draw blood like a finger prick suck, but now I've gotten better when I was a kid

I was like deathly afraid and then you become it's only a second But yeah a tattoo seems like it's hours and hours of them needling you and sticking a pleasant experience It doesn't seem pleasant. No. You have any? Nothing. Did it hurt? Did they hurt? Yeah. They can. The more they do it, like this one was the most, I've had three and a half hours. Yeah. When it's getting that much into it, the nerves are like, it's like really rough. Oh.

It's like rough. Oh my gosh. You start just sweating and you're actually, your whole body shakes because it's like so much like- And you have to just sit there. You can't be like, ah! No, you have to stay so still or the guy will be like a dick and be like dude Wow trying to fucking make art here and you're bleeding and shit bleeding horrible it's not really that good and you always hear people say I'm addicted I can't stop I need to get more yeah so is it the pain is it the permanency they

like I don't know what it is yeah the getting part of it for me is no fun at all. And you know I only get one every like few years so you forget and then as soon as you get in the chair and they start doing it again you're like fuck why am I doing this? It feels like your flesh is ripping and burning. I'm glad they have the tattoo till you're eight you can't get till you're 18 because when I was a kid I wanted a tattoo and cursive on my lower back that said peace love and rock and roll That's what I was talking about. I would tell my friends like Eleven I was like that's what I want Rock and roll if you ever bent over and near a comedian your life would be over

Well now it's to a point. It would be hilarious. I'd be like yeah, I'm an idiot Right hilarious, they'd be like I'm the funniest guy ever But there would have been a period there where it's pretty embarrassing. My first one I got when I was 18, my dad took me for my birthday. Wow. And he was like 50 or whatever he was at the time. And so he's like, let's get one together. He got his first one, I got my first one. Yeah. And that was also a really bad experience because I didn't see anything I liked. And you know how tattoo guys can have this reputation of being assholes,

some of them very arrogant and stuff? I got one of these guys. And I'm looking in the place for a couple hours, I'm like, I don't see anything. And then, thank God I didn't do this. But he goes, ah, come on, you gotta get something. Like he's, my dad's like, you know, it was experience to pick something.

So I'm like, ah, I saw a Daffy Duck. I didn't get it, I didn't get it. Thank God because the guy insulted me, thankfully. He goes, ah, you look like a cartoon when you walked in. Jesus. I was like, show me the skulls. Yeah, yeah. So then he goes, he goes, this is a new thing we got. And it hadn't seen anywhere. He opens it and there was tribal stuff in it. This is before Guido right right we dose took it over It was more like an earthy thing. Yeah, and he's like I'll draw you up a design a unique design I was like okay, and I got a tribal that I was 18. Yeah, 38 now

And then after that it was taken over by all the the meatheads and everything right I have this horrible Let's see it tribal tattoo But you get a sock on that you get a sock on it, but in the sun it's it's it now horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, real easy I see people stare at me and judge me with it but it humbles you I think yeah what's the removal process these days is that painful and horrible they say it's worse than the tattoo lasers does it look clean does it come off all right I know someone who did it and everything was gone but this part of the skin where it was was like a little bit like rough yeah that sounds unpleasant oh boy it's weird to me that get a tattoo no offense but to get a tattoo when you don't have it in mind already,

like I'll just go pick something out. Right. Yeah, those are people that are maybe carefree or just not with it. Right. When I go to a restaurant, I have trouble picking a dish. And then you know when you pick that wrong one, you already tell the waiter and it's too late,

and you're like, ah, my meal's ruined. It's that forever. It is, it is. Yeah, tattoos you have in mind, but like I've seen people do that in the movies too, which is also baffling to me. Where people like in line in line the movies are like okay, so what's this about? Oh, God, no. Alright, maybe not that one, but what about this one and people do that people go to the movies and then just see what

They'll pick something out there. That's fascinating to me. I would never do that. Yeah, it's kooky. Yeah, but hey Maybe they'll learn about something they don't know about. Last movie you saw I saw this ex Machina. Yes Ah, have you seen it? The only guy who hasn't seen it on the planet. I love it. I've seen it twice. Oh so good Maybe they'll learn about something they don't know about. Last movie you saw, I saw this ex Machina. Yes. Have you seen it? The only guy who hasn't seen it on the planet. I love it. I've seen it twice. Oh, so good.

I loved it. How amazing was the robot? It's great. It's really great. I loved it. Very sexy and fun. It's a must see. Is it American?

It's American. No. It's not American? It's British, I think. Oh, it's British. But there's American actors in it. Well, Oscar Isaac is American. Oh, I like him. He's amazing. He's the dude that played the billionaire, right? Yeah Yeah, he's all that's a movie's in is amazing. The dance scene is amazing. Yeah. Oh boy. It's really great

I feel see it this weekend. It's fun. It's funny. He's something I also saw unfriended which I enjoyed It's that horror movie. It's all in a computer screen. Yeah Video blogging I thought it was I mean it was annoying. It's a whole chunk. That's so annoying and silly, but I thought it was enjoyable It's pretty fun. Okay, so you would you would recommend it. Yeah, I mean if you're on the road and you're killing time What I'm scared There's like some scare. I don't really get scared either movies There's like I know there's a guy holding a boom right off of the shot you know but it's like some scare scenes or whatever it's fun suspenseful it's exciting I saw it follows I loved it

follows so that was I thought that was excellent so good or yeah it's a horror it's like a throwback like late 70s early 80s type horror it's really it's this is something you never say about horror movies it's really well acted and it's shot really well yeah it's like the cinematography is wonderful and the acting is great all right we really took a turn yeah you feel like yelling cunts just to bring us back yeah go see fat cunt it's it's rated G surprise all right what else we got just going off a list here with the fans are recommending you, we want to get you.

Yeah, are you a single guy? Are you on the road? Are you getting laid? Orgies? Gay stuff? I got nothing crazy to report there. There I'm gonna fail you. Sure, well, what about your first gay experience? Oh, right. Well, my first and only. Later I realized it to be possibly a gay experience, but I didn't realize it at the time Uh-huh, okay, so it's in college. Oh now we're kind of okay, so Is everyone's drinking you do that you do the you do all the the criminal you drink a lot of it at one time Yeah, the keg stands and everyone's doing all that sort of thing right and a bunch of people pass out I'm one of them, but I'm kind of half awake. And I got a buddy

doing the old tea bag to everybody. Oh, the Bill Cosby. He's doing it as a joke? As a joke. That's a weird sense of humor. So it's like a big party and a drunk guy or whatever and he does the tea bag and everyone's laughing and everything. And then the guy would wake up and be like, oh, you fucking dick, you got me. You know, then the pre-prep like the guy would wake up and be like oh you fucking dick you got me You know like you put it on my forehead or whatever right and I was like half awake I'm like fuck these guys. I'm not gonna let him get me. Yes, so When he put his testicles on my forehead I decided to not even though I was up not to jump up like fuck you you didn't get me Yeah, so I just let him do it and then when I didn't wake up he moved on but what I did was I endured the rubbing of the testicles on my forehead

Yeah, you see and then like later on I was like oh that might have been a that might have been a game I'm in direct game moment. Yes. I wonder if I would have been better off being like nah I jump up me like fuck you. I think it would have now Well, maybe there's a hint of curiosity yeah, but I allowed I mean why wouldn't I jump up exactly my head? It was like I didn't want him to get me because he got like three people in a row right like oh fuck this I'm not gonna go down in history as you put your balls right, but the irony was he still did it right right? You know that's not a little it's a homosexual experience. No Yeah, I think you're good.

I sucked him a little. Aha! Oh! Interesting. Basically you treated his balls like a bear. You played dead. Yeah, exactly. Right. Interesting tactic. It was like a T-Rex.

Don't you think that whenever you watch a war movie, I feel like the first sign of anything I would just be fake dead. And then be like, Joe, get up! What are you doing, you idiot? Like I feel like one rocket three miles away, I'd be like ah, I just lay down. They got me about forget it I bet there was some of that on D day at the store Oh, it's gonna be a lot Yeah, there's a lot of stories of people like hi pretending to be yeah under their dead buddies and stuff But I would do it so quick. It was just a phone would ring. I'd be like about that. You're the base camp Yeah, I think about that too like if someone shoots up a movie theater while I'm in it.

Yeah. Oh, immediately. I just go right down. Right. But then think about the moment that you're laying there and you're hearing the bullets still. Of course. And you're like, am I about to get shot or not? Yeah. Terrifying. Those movie, all those shootings are terrifying.

Yeah. But anyway, so that's what I did. I played it. But then I thought, why didn't I just get up before it ever got to me? Exactly. Yeah, so that's why I have all these questions. Well, I think you were a little curious and you said, what's the worst that could happen? I think if you had put it on your mouth, you would have gotten up. Were you aroused by the balls?

No, no, not at all. Yeah, then that's not- It was repulsing. Yeah, so that's, you're fine. Yeah. I put my finger up a friend's ass probably when I was about 12 Yeah, a thumb Thumbs not bad. I'm not bad. Yeah, but I knew he was none of its bad. Okay, so within we're serious

Well, we were like wrestling in bed, which sounds bad We were wrestling and it made like made it to the bed and I think I knew he was kind of gay So I said wait way more gay than my story. I don't knew he was kind of gay. So I said, ah. Wait, this is way more gay than my story. I don't think he was gay, but he was bi. This kid was a little effeminate. You're just checking his oil. But you knew it. You knew it.

And you were wrestling better than you put your, and you fucked his ass when you found him. I had an inkling that he might have been a little homo, a fagalist, and we were wrestling, and I remember I just put my thumb up his ass and I was like, he'll enjoy this. I remember thinking that. That's nice. And he went, what, yeah. And he went, whoa, what are you doing? And I went, sorry put my thumb up his ass. I was like he'll enjoy this I remember thinking that anyways He went what yeah, and he went wow. What are you doing? I went sorry, and that was it Joking no his name was Drew. How do you know the story? I think you might have told that story before but I don't think it's so gay I think it's

It's true gay today. I don't know anymore. I don't know we stopped hanging out when you say up his ass I got like a half an inch in his asshole That's not bad. I thought you meant you just went into the crack Well, I did but I could tell I was the pants were still on like the underwear but I could tell I got I got In there. What kind of underwear we talking? Boxers. Star Wars He-Man? Like a plane Hanes. At 12 you're wearing boxers. He was. Oh wow I was wearing cartoon tighties till I was 22. I was in a full wetsuit Say 12, so we had a nice schlong then yeah that a child one no

We are we we that's that's that's intense man. Yeah, you made me feel a lot better Yeah, oh dude me and my friends used to we got real gay like never touching, but we used to play board games naked You ever put the thimble up your ass or anything like that which top hat we fuck it which which games Oh, we had a Batman Monopoly game. I remember we'd play that me and a friend Phil would just sit there naked I remember my mom walked in and she went hey boy dad and just closed that door right? You put your thumb in his bat cave Right now that was no touching! We were just experimenting, we were young. I don't understand what I'm hearing.

You were home, and your family was home, and you got naked to play Monopoly Batman? It was very hot down there. You didn't knock the door? Oh no! $200 to pass go buddy. We left it out. Nothing was happening. Whose idea was it, and what did being gay for the game Ed?

It was just I was we were super close, and we didn't know what sexuality was we I took a shower with a friend once As a child I can yes as a child There's only one shower here at the studio so right, but why did you get naked? I don't I don't know we were trying shit out But no touching there was no I wasn't a track monopoly games. They'll they last a while. Yeah, it was hot It was a long time get these pants off wait and so your mom decided to recoil instead of investigate Oh completely did you ever speak to her about it again not at once? This is mind-blowing to me. It's it's interesting. I'm sure he doesn't care, but you're on your side I mean, I'm this is like the number one thing I've heard in quite some time. Is that right?

Yeah, you don't think that's a really unbelievable the first time it's ever popped into my head since it happened if it was winter I buried it. I buried it. I totally buried it right if it was December. It would be weird, but if it's July I mean come on. It's a hot. It's a hot city hot swampy city. Yeah, I did have a shawl on Joking I had a wedding gown on that was it just the the mask you know the the screen on the face the veil the veil I had a veil on that was it he had a catcher's mask Yeah, wow all right. I can't believe you're not fascinated. That's fascinating. It's interesting, but you know I think he's two bangers in a row Numb to my weirdness this wasn't the thumb this wasn't Dean different. That was true. This was Phil true and Phil yeah Yeah, I think they're both

Accountants now or something I would seek them out Yeah, maybe they're nudists. Maybe. Were you afraid for a while of an impending conversation with your mom? Yes, the mom things were worried me, not really the actual nudeness. But I remember he was more endowed to me, and that really bugged me.

Wow. Yeah. Monopoly Batman. Yeah, yeah. Never heard of it. It was a boardwalk. Was it the Batcave or something like that then you had like the Joker land and then you had Penguin

Village and you know right like that we had Bostonopoly oh yeah yeah it was all Boston type things you know the story behind monopoly no this guy was broke during the Depression had no money and he invented this game to act rich cuz it's all rich So he was so he was so fantasized and obsessed with rich people He made this game about it And he sold to Parker Brothers or whoever the fuck it took off no way sold billions and billions and he became you know He became the monopoly guy. That's crazy. Yeah, this is well known, but obviously just to it's it's Atlantic City. You know that right?

Yeah Did you know I didn't know that but I think he was from Atlantic City. Yeah, it's it's Atlantic City you know that right yeah did you know I didn't know that but I think he was from Atlantic City yeah it's all the streets that's right the boardwalk yeah Baltic right huh yeah all right well what's fun what's the it was that the embarrassing story you gave us fat cunt was oh that was the embarrassing yeah testicles was I just thought it when I got here aha what's the tattoo on tattoo on the bicep there? It's song lyrics for a buddy of mine.

Oh, which song? That's a little... Hippy Hippy Shake? No, yeah. If it was, what would we do after this? Kokomo? Missy Elliott? It's Praise You by Fatboy Slim. It was a friend of mine's favorite song and passed away.

Oh, that's funny. So I threw it right on him. That's alright. Damn it, I'll give you... It was just a few days ago, so it's cool. What?! It's long passed away That's all right Just a few days ago, so it's cool what no I'm kidding Jesus Christ. I'm totally kidding. I just gave you a zinger whoo Close it's not oh boy. Oh boy. This is the way we close it out. Yeah How I mean what do we know how are we on time we close it out? We want to to go we Gotta wrap up here in a minute. I think we might be over schedule here. We got a whole team of people here They're all giving us the eyes all right end on my best friends. Yeah

Well hopefully he'll come back it was a real humdinger yeah, how'd he go? I don't answer that Bloody cunts sure band Hello, hello, we are the bloody cunts From Boston right they're playing at the Roxy bring a poncho Mm-hmm. I feel like I was late, and I also feel like I'm high and so I hope I hope it was fun for you You've been wonderful. Do you want to plug the show and all the business plug some things? I mean you have your own gigantic audience

So maybe it shows on true on Thursdays nights. The show is lunch. Great show. Everybody loves it. Impractical Jokers. We tour on the weekends. We're on the road and the tour dates are on thetenderloins.com. That's our comedy trip's name.

Yeah. Check it out. Check out the show. Thanks for doing the show. We appreciate it. I was psyched to do it. You're a great get. I listen to it all the time.

Yeah. Good stories. Good stuff. All right, boys. This feels the time. Yeah, good stories good stuff. All right boys Jaden Smith if you're listening Contact this man. I met him. Oh you met him. I showed him it. Oh my god. Yeah, I should have said that before What did he say? Wow, he freaked the fuck out. Oh my god And it was the most surreal thing ever because he was dressed as Batman Wow Wraps up everybody at Comic Con and he was in a white Batman outfit. I didn't know it was him, but he wore that

to Kim and Kanye West's wedding. I saw it on the internet. Oh, wow. I said, oh, this guy has a good sense. He dresses as Jaden Smith at their wedding. He got about five feet from us. And then he was approaching M. Night Shyamalan. Oh my gosh.

He was just standing in a hallway in a hotel. And I said, oh my god, this white Batman's gonna go talk to M. Night Shyamalan. And they just did After Earth. I didn't piece it together. He pulled off the bat suit and it was Jaden Smith. Wow! That's the best twist ending that M. Night Shyamalan's ever been a part of. I was ten feet from him. It was two weeks after the tattoo. I still had the scab on the tattoo. Wow! I gotta fucking show him right now. Yeah. So I was like but here's the thing it didn't air yet and if I showed him and he had an adverse reaction to it

and he was like, fuck that, you're not gonna show that on TV or something like that, then I would've got it for no reason. So it was like a real, I was like, because if he liked it, fine, but it was a real gamble. It was a dilemma. And I showed him, I pulled my pants down, and he flipped out in a good way.

Wow. But Joe taped it and it's him as Batman, like down by my thigh, being like, I don't believe it. And he goes, the first one, it's the first time someone got by my thigh being like I don't believe it. That's the first one It's the first time someone got a tattoo of me. Oh my god I told him the context to that I was forced to do it right But he was like still took it as like a badge of honor. That's great, which is the best way you could take yeah Yeah, and he's a Scientologist. I believe this tattoo. What's up? How so gets a Joe this tattoo? It'll happen

Yeah, sure, I believe it will call in save a lot of space for that forehead I hope someone gets a Joe List tattoo. What's that? I hope someone gets a Joe List tattoo. It'll happen. Yeah. Sure. I believe it will. Call in. Save a lot of space for that forehead. Oh, jeez. Come on. Hey.

All right, well, we got to wrap it up. Thank you so much for coming. We appreciate it. My bladder's about to erupt. Yeah, watch Impractical Jokers and check out Sal and the group live. Yes, thank you so much, guys. And Twitter, anything? At, at Sal Vulcano. Alright.

And you know where to find this, these two hooligans on the internet, at Mark Norm, at Joliss Comedy. And we'll see you next week. Yes. And probably in hell. Can't wait. Take it easy. Legends cry, hopelessly watching the music die

Please believe that we've got you