Tuesdays with Stories! - #226 Make Way

Episode Date: January 2, 2018

In what is sure to be an all time Tuesday's, Joe runs into Sal Vulcano in Chicago, has to race in between sets in NYC all before seeing a dead body! Meanwhile, Mark gets heckled by a douche at the cellar before offending an easy listening radio show before a corporate gig. Check it out! Become a subscriber to our Patreon for the latest LIVE bonus pod with Michelle Wolf & Ari Shaffir! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download Go on iTunes and give the pod a #5StarLunch review!

This is a Stand Up New York Labs production, providing you podcasts since 2013. Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard.

And then the duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe Less. Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody.

Nah. That's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. Holy hell! We're on a highway to cheese! Good to be here, folks. Thanks for tuning in. I'm gay.

You're fat. And we love ya. Tuesdays with Stories here. Coming at ya. In Snowy New York. Could be. Yeah, could be snowing. It was snowing in Albany.

Oh! Yeah, Albany. Boy, cold towns. One of those towns, all you get to do is the mall. Yeah, that's the same. I was out at, you know, at Zany's in Rosemont. Yes. And it was 20 degrees.

I got lost walking there. I'm like, can you walk there? And then of course, everywhere you go, people are like, you know, it's walking distance. Yes. They don't know. And by the way, it's like 500 yards away. But the lady said,

yeah, you go out and take a left out of the hotel. So I took a left and then my GBS went haywire. Yep. And it was 10 degrees and snowing and, or not snowing, but windy. And I got lost freaking out. My hands go numb. I think I have this Reynad's disease.

You ever hear about that? Gonad? It's a Reynad. Reynad. Yeah, it's a thing where your circulation is gay. It doesn't flow. Ah, I don't know. You got to flow.

So I don't have, I got no flow. So I turned all white and pale and, you know, cancery. Yeah, yeah. And so I was numb and I had to call the manager of great woman over there, Cindy. She runs the whole club. She's great over there.

Oh, Cindy's good. Cindy's really good. Blonde lady. Yes. And just a great club. Zany's Rosemont. In your mind, you're like, oh, it's Rosemont. I'm far away.

I'm in the downtown B club by the airport. Burbs. But it's like, they built it for comedy. It's a perfect design. Killer club. It's one of my favorite clubs, this club. Perfect room. Yeah.

But you get the old farts, don't you? There wasn't that many old farts. There was some old farts. I had a lot of young farts. I feel like I had a lot of old queefs. I had old farts, young queefs, but it was pretty, pretty great. All right. And I had a great, great time.

This guy, Vince MC, who's hilarious. He's been around forever. Fritz, novel knocker, featured. I forget how to say his name. Hell of a misnomer. Yeah. And Jim Flanagan to the guest spot, Sal Volcano came by. How crazy is this?

So I'm in Rosemont. I take a lift to Starbucks. I'm going to ride at Starbucks. Let me sit and write. And I'm writing. I'm doing a little, you know, ride, listen to a set, trying to get the work done. Trying to get in there and grind it out. Good for you.

You got to grind. You got to work out there. You're young kids out there. You got to write. You got to listen to your sets. You got to just sit in that coffee shop and stare at your reflection and just... It ain't pretty. It's not fun.

No, but it's part of the job. It's not fun, but it beats, you know, taking out the trash or kicking mice or whatever. Got that right. So I'm sitting there, literally, I'm looking out at the highway. Then there's like this huge parking lot and like this old blue weird arena looking thing. And I'm like, I wonder what goes on there. Then I scan my view and I see a big marquee. I pan.

Not scan, I pan. I see a marquee and it says, oh, the Chicago Wolves are playing. I say, oh, maybe I'll check out a hockey game. That's the AHL. AHL? American Hockey League. That's like AAA, you know. Got it.

The minor league system. The Chicago Wolves are the Vegas Knights. Underbelly or whatever you call it. Little League team. And then... Pee-wee. It flips from the Chicago Wolves to the Impractical Jokers. Hey, that's the majors.

That is the majors. They are majors and I see our buddy Sal on there. And I go, oh, well, Impractical Jokers are playing this arena. How crazy that I'm sitting here writing my jokes. And there's my buddy on the big screen at the arena. I look at the date. Same date as that night. That night.

That night. The exact night you were talking about. I take the very pants. I was returning. So I take a photo. I send it to Sal. He's like, what are you doing there? I said, I'm doing Zany.

He said, oh my God, we kissed on the lips. He said, I'm going to come by. Uh-huh. I say, great. So I do the show Friday night or Saturday night. Maybe it was Friday. I can't remember. It was Friday night.

I do the show. He does his show at the arena. He shoots on over. He's staying across the street from Zany's. Literally his hotel is across the street. Wow. So he walks over. He does a guest spot.

They go bananas. Oh. It's so fun. You know celebrities. It's exciting. And what's weird about Impractical Jokers is I feel like they're huge, but they haven't gone over into the zeitgeist. The mainstream?

Yeah. Well, like people watch the show or they don't put like, like Louis, for instance, got so big, like he's at the Oscars. He's at the Emmys. He's on the cover of People Magazine. So even if you don't know his shit, you now know who he is. Household. Like I don't listen to Justin Bieber, but I'm familiar with Justin Bieber.

Oh yeah. Impractical Jokers, like three quarters of the crowd is like, and then the other quarters like, what the fuck is this? Yeah. Who's this chubby? Who's this guy? WAP. Wap a set and kills.

I mean, they love them. And then we hang out back. He watches the set. We bullshit. It's fun to just bump into a friend on the road. So lonely. So lonely and it's really, it's difficult. And I don't want to complain about comedy because people have, you know, roofing and

their cops and their firemen or whatever. But when you're out there, it's hard to fill those days. Oh yeah. It's like you get up, I wake up at 10 o'clock in the morning and I'm like, I'm gonna really get after today. I think my teeth into the asshole. Yes. So I'm like, I'm going to go work out.

So I go work out, but working out, I mean, really max, you're working out 45 minutes. An hour. Maybe. Yeah. An hour is a long workout. I do an hour. That's a long time to be working out. I got a problem.

If you take a class or do yoga, that's one thing. Sure. Sure. But just like buy yourself in a gym. Yeah. I can't do it. I can put in about 30 minutes. Maybe I'll do 15 cardio or whatever.

It's just like, what am I doing? I'm sitting in the room for an hour. But wait, you don't, I have a routine. I have a regiment. I have a routine, but it's not an hour long. I mean, you can get gassed in five minutes. Oh, sure. So it's, like I said, if I go to yoga, it's a 90 minute class.

You take a spin, whatever the fuck. But just in a hotel gym, I'm also talking a hotel gym with his four machines. It's like, how many fucking nautilus curls can I do? No, I go to the planet fit for the 24 hour. Yeah. I mean, if I'm at my own gym, it's a different situation. Yeah. Anyway, so I put 45 minutes in, then I go to Starbucks and I'm like, let me write.

But once again, it's like, how much time can you really put in just sitting on a stool at Starbucks? Yeah. Two hours max. Max. You want to kill yourself. You stare at your phone. You stare at your asshole.

It's too much. And there's science behind it. Your brain is not that productive. Aha. For two straight hours. Trying to write jokes. Yeah. Exactly.

If you get some other people in the room, you could probably do some brain anal, but yeah. So now it's just, now two hours and 45 minutes have passed. It's 1.30 in the afternoon. I got six and a half hours till the show. And I'm like, all right, boy, now what do I do now? Yeah. And it's one thing if you're in Chicago or New York or Austin, you can go see some

sights as a museum. But in Rosemont, you're just kind of like, I guess I'll just watch TV. You make a few phone calls, but even then you're like, I'm just walking around the phone. I check in with people. Yeah. Dr. Louis, he's doing fine. He'll be back. You sons of bitches.

Louis's coming back, folks. At some point. Yeah. Who knows what. Fun weekend, great club, great time. And I forget what I wanted to say. Oh, God, I had a big thing I was going to talk about. Volcano, walking, riding.

Shit. Oh, boy, you'd be proud of this. Let me tell you this story, because I was going to text you. Oh, go ahead. Was that it? Did we get it? I think that might have been it, but I got another big thing here. All right.

Hit me. I want to get into this. Before I left for Chicago, you're going to really shit a brick here. The weekend before. Oh, boy, I'm excited. I was going to call you or text you, but I was like, I'll just save it for the pod. Woo. This is an exclusive, folks.

I haven't heard this yet. Hot exclusive. Now, you're a guy. You like to run around. You like to do a lot of spots. You jump another train. You do the thing where you lie. You sit, you get hit by a cab.

Yep. You're a little late. You do the whole thing. Oh, yeah. How about this? Double that. Now, this one, few would dare to do. Ooh, baby.

I'm doing a show downtown Patrick. I don't know how you say his name. Holbert. I don't know him. You don't know him? Great guy. He's got a couple of good shows. Daddy, hi.

Really good guy. Sweetest pie. Funny guy. Maybe I do. I just know him as Patty. I'd like to have done his show. His name's Patrick. I don't know if it's Holbert.

Holbert. Holbert. Holcomb. I can't remember. I mean, I know how to spell it. Oh, all right. What's that? H-O-L.

Burt. Probably Burt. Holbert. Holbert. Holbert. What do I have you? Holbert. Like Bobby A. Bair.

I think it's Holbert. Well, we'll figure it out. Call in, Pat. What's the name of the show? It's on second and B. What the hell's the name of the show? Oh, on there in Chicago. I'm sorry.

No, no. This is in New York. Oh. I think I have done that show. It's Killer. It's in a basement taco show. Yes. Yeah.

That's amazing. They give you tacos. That's a great show. So I'm doing that. I'm committed to that. But then after I've committed, I get my standup New York spots. They give me an 815 and a 1015. Now this show, I got to go on at 9 p.m.

On the dot. I'm getting off stage at standup New York on 78th and Broadway. Great club. Come visit us. 78th and Broadway. I get off stage at 830. Yeah. I got to be on stage at second and B.

Yeah. At 9 p.m. And you're not going to cab it, are you? Unbelievable. Cab's no good. Cab's no good. Yeah. It's because you got to east to west.

West to east. So all day I'm tossing and turning. I thought about calling. Look, I can't do it. I got to cancel. It's a half hour. It's 30 minutes. A half hour.

Upper west to Alphabet City. That's a big leap, folks. We're not talking East Village. We're not talking Greenwich. Nothing. No. There's no even connection. So I'm like, I'm tossing and turning.

I'm like, I got to cancel. I should cancel. I should figure something out. I'm just going to do it. Yeah. I'm just going to trust that I can do it. Good for you. And the worst case scenario, I ruined this really nice thoughtful guys entire show.

Yeah, he'll figure it out. So I go up to standup New York and James Madden's hosting, who's the best host in the city, I think. That guy's got an energy in him. He's got a great energy. He's got great jokes. He's great at crowd work. And he's so sweet.

He's like, if you don't like a guy, keep cool or be over so he does that. And he's got bits. And he's just really fun. He does the perfect mix of crowd work and jokes. Yeah. And just the nicest guy on earth. Greg, and he's just a natural. He was born to hoe.

He's a natural MC. Yeah. He's a really good guy. So he's hosting. I'm going first. And I say that they're really nice here. I'm like, I got to really get to Alphabet City. It's going to be brutal.

So if you could just shave a couple seconds off. That was really thoughtful. Because this is hard, folks. Oh yeah. Because you've got to, you're committed to these two things. And we're just trying to hustle to make a living. Yes. So I go, all right.

So light me at 12. And I tell James, I'm like, hey, when he lights me, I'm going to just skate right out of here. If you don't mind. Because who's going to know? It's two minutes, really. Yeah. So he goes up. He gets me up right at 8.15.

Hot crowd. Weekends are killer here. Yeah. Good weekend. I do a great set or whatever. He lights me. I say good night. James, I run out.

I grab my coat, my backpack, and I sprint right out the door. I head to the 2-3 in 72nd Street. Oh, you skipped the one. Got to skip the one. You got to get the 2-3. And my whole night is relying on, like, if I, I got to get, when you have two trains, and you got to go far, you're like, you got to get that first train immediately. You got to get it.

Or you're fucked. Yes. Because all the ways you run down there, you just stand there. So I run down, and the train is leaving. Oh. And I go, oh, it's leaving. I'm fucked. It's all over.

This is it. All this planning. Tossing and turning. Poor Holbert. Yes, Holbert. I get downstairs. How about this? It's not leaving.

It's arriving. Wait, wait, wait. I said leaving on the screen. I thought it was leaving because the thing was blinking, and I saw movement. So when I saw the movement, I thought it was leaving, but it was just arriving. It's arriving, folks. So now I say this is the most perfect situation. This is what I needed.

Yes. I do a belly flop into the train. As the doors close, they click my ankle. I'm in there. It was like the fugitive. When he's shooting, he pulls his foot through. Yes. I'm on the roof.

So I get on the train. The 2-3 is cooking now. It goes straight to 40 seconds. So now you're like, all right, I just knocked out 30 blocks. Boom. Two minutes. Boom. Then it goes to Penn Station.

Then it stops at Penn Station for a little bit. I hate the holding. You know that thing when the doors aren't closing? You're like, come on, close. Close. If it just closes, I'll do anything. I'll blow my mother. I just needed to close.

Yes. Find the closes. Now it skips all the way down to 14th. Now I'm already at 14th straight. Look at that. Pretty good. You're already in the village. Now I'm there in about 15 minutes.

So then I got to run. Now that transfer there is brutal. Now some of you aren't New Yorkers, so just play along here. Corridor. You got to get to the 6th Avenue from 7th Avenue underground. So I run there. It's a long hallway. I'm running.

My coach's flipping. I'm pushing people out of the way. I elbow the guy that sells the incense there. I hate that guy. Flip his whole table. I'm like, get out of here, you son of a bitch. Yeah, no one cares. You've got comic books and incense.

Yeah, my two least favorite things. You have some comic book and incense. I'm sorry. Come on, you hobo. One or the other, you piece of shit. I hate you. Go above ground. Get some sun.

Yes. So anyways, I get down there. I'm looking for the F now. Now I need the F to get to 2nd Avenue, which you get off at 1st Avenue. Now I can run over. Yeah, that's still a run, by the way. It's still a while. So now I'm waiting for the F for a while.

So now I'm texting Patrick. I go, I'm fucked here. I'm sorry. I'm waiting for the F. I'll be there as soon as I can. He gives me the text. Everyone wants to hear. He said, don't worry.

We're seven minutes behind. Oh. But still out of pride. You're like, fuck the seven minutes. I'm getting there on time, baby. You goddamn right you are. So finally the F arrives. I get off at 2nd Avenue.

I align myself with the front of the train to get off at 1st Avenue. Yes. I get off. I run upstairs. I'm sprinting. Once again, I'm elbowing. I'm going through. I'm running up Hostin Street.

Hit the pregnant lady. Move the kid. Yes, you got a shopping carriage full of bottles and cans. Get out of here, you piece of shit. I throw him a 20. Cans. Just cans. I get there.

Patrick's outside waiting. I look at my clock. It's 9 PM. Oh. I got from Stand Up New York on stage to the poke. What's the name of that place? I don't know. It's like Lucy's or something like that.

Taco Ria. Yeah. I didn't kill my wife. I don't care. But I got that. You were pointing my gun at me. So I got there in exactly a half hour. Wow.

There's like five minutes left. Great crowd. It's packed in there. Great show. Packs it out. Carolyn. I thought her name was Castiglia. I've been saying Castiglia for years, but I think it's Castilegia.

Oh, well. I've been saying her name wrong for 20 years. I feel terrible. I don't even know how to say it now. Castiglia is what I've been saying. That's not right. Castilega, something like that. Maybe that's like a Prince thing where she changed it.

I don't know, but I felt really bad about it. Oh, sorry, Susan. But anyway, so she's hosting and she's great. She brings me up. I go right up. I do whatever. 30 minutes. Hot crowd.

30 minutes. Wow. And it pays accordingly. Yes. And then so I finish that and they're great. I say thank you. I got to run out. I grabbed my coat, but now I got to get back to Stand Up York.

You're back on the clock. But fortunately, I did a big move. I switched. I got to thank Chloe Hilliard. She switched from my 1015 to 1030. That's a big help. So I bought that extra 15 minutes because it's impossible to do what I did if you're not a New Yorker.

Oh, yeah. Impossible. So there's no way it's happening twice. No, no. So I switched. I got 15 extra minutes, but now I got to run back there. I did the whole run over again and made it back just in time. And had I not switched, I would have only been four minutes late.

I made it back in 34 minutes. Wow. Look at that. So I got the triple up and each paid weekend spots. It's a nice two and a quarter or whatever. And now because I ran around, I'm done at 1030. There it is. 10.5.

My night's over. You pack it all in. I got home and I'm home at 1130 on a Saturday, Friday night. With a nice wad. Great show. Nice wad. And what a relief it is. Plop plop fizz fizz.

Now come on. This is my whole life. I do this. I got five spots tonight. Don't you kind of, wasn't it a fun rush? Did you enjoy it? Well, when you pull it off, but when you don't, I can't, that's what I can't bear. I can't handle it.

Yeah. I just, I'm late. And they're like, we put all this together. We advertised. You fucking, we were saying you're going to be here. You didn't come. You're a fucking, what the fuck? So when it doesn't go well, and then it could happen, it could happen three times over.

And then I can't get back to stand up New York and then there, because I've been there where you're up there. You're going, what the fuck? This guy's late and now my blah, blah, blah, blah, but when you can pull it off, it feels good. Oh, no better feeling. What a city. It's the only city you can do that in.

You can't do that shit in LA. Just sit in traffic. Right. Also, it's hard to get the quality out of the set because I'm not thinking about my set. I'm just running. And now I'm like, here's this joke. I don't know how this joke goes.

I'm gay. And that's it. Yeah. I don't know. I really get a kick out of it. There's so much opportunity to get laughs from different people in one city. I love that you can go down to this room. It's a whole, it's like grungy, like dive bar room and you kill with them and you go

back up to stand in New York. It's a bunch of tourists. You kill with them. I love that. I love the mix. It was quite a mix and really fun. But yeah, totally different crowd. This is like Latino alphabet city, you know, some grit and that was like tourist, Swedish,

whatever. Exactamundo. But great hang and thanks to everybody involved. What a night. What a night. I was done early too with that nice weekend pay is nothing to sneeze at. No, I like it. You love the comedy seller, but then like my spots are always late there.

It's like, yeah, cool about being on stage at 2.30 in the morning, but there's also something cool about having my feet up watching the late ball game, right? And I like that alphabet. See, it's good to get back in those bar rooms. Those are lunch. Yeah, it's fun. Fun, fun times. I'm trying to do more of those.

If you have a bar show, reach out. I'd love to do it. Yeah, we all would. But it's hard to say no to the club spots because they pay and we're all, you know, I get a lot of like, Hey, what are you doing Friday night? I'm like, I'm in Pittsburgh. Right, right. Yeah, there's a lot of that.

And then people start to feel bad. Like I don't want to keep bothering you. I'm like, no, no, it's not a bother. It's not a bother for me to be like, I can't. I'm unavailable. Yeah, you know. Yeah, I love the comedy hang. I got to say in Albany, we had Chris Allen and we had this host guy Corey and Chris Allen.

Very funny guy, but he's also very insecure and he wore a tiny shirt that he couldn't even barely button. It was like a button. So he left it open like this and he had the t-shirt under with the button down over it open and it was tight. And the whole night he kept doing this and we kept noticing he was tugging on it. And now it's in his head. We're like, are you going on stage with that tiny shirt?

And I was texting people going, Hey, can you text Chris Allen to make fun of his shirt? So I got extra people shitting on it. We got the host shitting on it. I'm shitting on it. He could barely go on. Then he brought his coat on stage. Oh, on stage coat. Yeah.

Cause he didn't want to wear the shirt. And that was the first show on Saturday. So then he was doing, he took the coat off eventually on stage. He started talking about the shirt. That's how it was in his head. He was so, we were dying in the back. It was great. Then between the first and the second show, we were in a mall.

So he went and bought a shirt. By the way, probably a large shirt. He's a big guy. He's a big guy. Yeah. He'll probably be a blanket on me. Yeah. It was a big shirt.

He's huge. He's alive. I think he's six, four, two, 80. Yeah. A real big, big guy. Yeah. A real heavy. Yeah.

He's fat. But yeah. He did it. Boy, he's killer. He's got some good sets. And it was just a great weekend. That, when you got a guy in your corner, everything's better. It's fun.

Yeah. Well, you have something. I mean, when I was in Rosemont, I really liked the guys I'm working with, but they're dads. They got stuff going on during the day, you know? Right. It's so lonely. Yeah.

All I did was just beat off. My dick is facing the wrong direction. Oh, it's a crook. It's got a hook in it. It's not even. I want to show it to you. It's a candy cane. It's got thumb prints, and it's got a right angle in it now, and one vein is bigger than

the dick itself. It's really a problem. Oh, look at the big vein, huh? Yeah. I'm coming. Just a drip. It doesn't shoot. It just falls out.

Yeah. It's just kind of like, ugh. Sad, yeah. Yeah. Like a car door opening. There's a body in there. Right. It's like the last drop in a syrup bottle.

The last of the Mohicans. Mohicans. Yeah. The Mohicans. By the way, my friend in high school had a huge dung, and he had two veins going down the middle like racing stripes. It was pretty wild. Wow.

Matching veins. Matching veins. Parallel lines. Wow. That's something. It's like a math problem. Ah. Yeah, it was a problem.

So, uh, so I had a fun one at the cellar the other night, actually not fun. You know, good hanging cellars like Wolfe, Soder, Merrill, just a great hang. We're all chopping it up, having a good time, Matteo, and Hassan Minaj, and all these fun people. Jeff Ross was there, and they go, hey, you're on, Mark, and I go, great, and then as I'm going on, like I'm going down the stairs, I notice like a big commotion, like a lot of people coming in. Wow.

And it's Apatow. Yeah, boy. With Barry Levinson. Barry Levinson. The director. The director of Rain Man. Did he? Yeah.

Wow. Love that. Rain Man. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Okay. Yeah, so he comes in.

That's not aligned. Was that it? What am I thinking of? I don't know. What's the line from Rain Man? Rain Man, uh, squeeze and pulled and hurt my neck, uh, Kmart sucks, 69 Oak Street. Didn't he say a lot of, he would repeat things. Yeah, I'd say, you know, Rain Man, let's play some cards, uh, yeah, play some cards,

cards, yeah. Yeah. Alright. 81, 82, 82, 82, 82, 246 total. Yeah, there you go. 246 total. I think he did some other movies as well. Oh, certainly.

He made, uh, Bugsy, I think, was him. Uh, Bugsy. That's correct. Yeah, Barry Levinson, uh, he made. Diner? Diner was Barry Levinson. Ah. Yeah.

A couple others in there. Rain Man was like the biggest one, I think, though. That was a biggie. Was that an Oscar? Oh, yeah. Alright. Big Oscar. Dustin Hoffman won.

He was, uh, evidently, he's a creep now. Oh, wow. That's the whole thing. Alright, so they go, hey, do you mind if Judd goes on, and, you know, instead of you, and I go, eh, whatever, no problem, I go back upstairs, Kevin Hart shows up. Oh, boy. So now it's a whole to-do, we got Apatow on stage, he's in a blazer, you just seen Springsteen. Oh, wow.

And I wanted to be like, well, my good friend met him, but I didn't say that. He's probably met him, too, though. He met him that night, yeah. Yeah. Said it was an amazing show and blah, blah, blah, you know, Springsteen does the whole thing where he goes, I burned my draft card. And that means some other guy went to Nam in my place, and this song's for him, and he did, like, an hour on that guy.

I was there, I went to the show, we talked about it. You were there. I went to the show, what are you talking about? We did a whole episode. No, no, this is last, like, like, two days ago. Well, it's the show. That's the show. I thought you saw McCartney.

He does the show on Broadway. No, Springsteen on Broadway. That's the show. I talked about it, I cried, it was the biggest night of my life, my agent got it for me, the whole thing. I didn't realize that was a Broadway show. That's Springsteen on Broadway. Oh, I thought you saw a concert.

It's a concert, it's a show. I see, alright. And it's a guy performing comedy show. Ah, my bad, I'm gay. Not comedy, he's not doing comedy. That's weird, though. I mean, that's pretty touching. It's quite touching.

I told you, I sobbed. I'll play it back the episode. Please. I don't know if I was there. Right out of it. Alright. So, he comes, he's talking about Springsteen, blah, blah, blah, and I don't know, I get a little annoyed when, like, celebrity, you know, like, an apatow level is chatting, because

I feel like I say something, and he's like, yeah, yeah, whatever, and I'm like, ah, I'm interesting, come on. Yeah, because I'm not like a celebrity, I'm cooler than this guy, whoever you're sitting with. It's a tough hang. We gotta be careful here, this guy can produce our movie for God's sakes. Yeah, right, and I get it, I mean, I guess if I'm sitting there, if I was a big celebrity and, you know, Vita was trying to talk to me, I'd shut him up.

We could be, you know, knocked up too, Mark and Joe, fuck again. Knock me up. I'd love to knock you up. Jesus, my asshole. It'll raise a baby. Or the eye. Yeah, Lasik. And a hook shot.

So, but, you know, he's a nice, he's the sweetest, sweetest guy on earth, and a huge comedy fan. Big comedy nerd, and just put out a special, check that out, check out Netflix specials. It's really fun. Yeah, yeah, fun, so him and Kevin Hart start chatting it up, and so they go, all right, now you're on Mark, and I go, great, so I go down there, and I am just ripping it off. It's like one of those hot nights in New York City, it's like a 10-30 show, you know, they got the 7-30, the 9-30, and the 11-30, and I feel like the middle one is always

the best. Oh, is that right? I think so, because it's just that gooey middle to right, you know, 7's a little early, it's like polka, and I put a Goldilocks, you know, this one, this porch is a little anal, this porch is a little jizzy, middle porch, good. So I go up and I'm killing, and I get the light from Will Silvence, so I go, all right, I'll do another two minutes and wrap this puppy up with a bow, and in walks Kevin Hart, in walks his entourage, in walks Apatow, in walks all these people walk in, and they're kind

of bumping into people and killing babies and kicking mice and all this shit, and it's kind of throwing me off a little, but I go, ah, fuck it, I'm a pro, and I go into my closer, big ending, and I'm like, I'm gonna fucking pop this room open with these mofos watching me, I go into closer, set up, pause for the punch, and this lady heckles, in the pause, I was in the pocket, I had it right there, on the fucking mound, the ball was coming and somebody put their finger right up my ass, a heckle pause, heckle pause, a pregnant pause, so you know, you really just want to sit in that pause and you go, here it comes, you guys are gonna love that, and she just went, I don't think so, or something

like that, I fucked that shrill cunt of a voice ruin me, so then I had to do like four minutes of like, fuck you, you piece of, now Kevin Hart and Judd Apatow, like this guy's got a problem, he's an angry asshole, well you have a problem, it's that cunt, I had the cunt problem, I needed an exterminator to kill that cunt, or a tampon, yes, a pad, plug her up, uh huh, but yeah, so then I'm going back and forth with her, and she's like, what's the big deal, why are you bad, bad, bad, and I'm like, what's the big deal, I'm gonna ruin my closer, the finishing moment, so I had to just get off, and then they got on and they were doing their whole thing, and the audience goes crazy, it was a bitter

moment for me, that's annoying, yeah, you know, you get off, and she was like, like I walk past, she was like, what's your problem, I was like, fuck you, you ruined my whole life, and then you wait in the wings, and you just hear, we got a big surprise, Kevin Hart and Judd Apatow, and the place is like, and you're like, god damn it, come on, what's weird about Apatow, it's similar to the impractical Joker thing, a lot of people don't know who he is, because he's a behind the scenes guy, so he doesn't get as crazy a thing when he goes up alone, but when you go up with Kevin Hart, forget about it. It was a little lopsided, because you know, Kevin Hart is up there, he's like this legend,

not legend, but you know, he's a fucking household name, movie star, he sells out soccer arenas, and then a director, you know, yeah, Hart's as big as it gets, oh yeah, he's huge, I mean, physically no. As small as it gets also. Yeah. Hosted my live at Gotham, isn't that crazy? That is so crazy. I never even met him, I remember being so bummed, I was like, I got Kevin Hart, I never even

heard of this fucking guy. That's hilarious. Three years later, boom. Boom, now he's in Jumanji 6, or whatever we're on now. Yeah, well I like the Jumanji remakes, I hate the remake. The movie's 18 years old or something. But he's really got his foot in all the kettles, or whatever you say, he's doing kid movie, action movies, he's doing late night talk shows, he's doing stand up, he's dirty, he's

an action star, he's got it all done. Oh, man, he's crazy, I mean the work ethic on that guy, he gets up at five, he has like a workout routine every day, he never misses it, then he does something out, then he does press, then he looks at his camera, it's crazy, then he does stand up at night, it's insane. Yeah, he's really something. Uh, yeah, so let's see if, oh, alright, oh, I forgot to mention this. So I have an Amtrak planned to go to Albany, I know I'm talking about Albany a lot, but it was a big, thick, meaty weekend.

An eventful week. Thank you. So, uh, I got an Amtrak, and the Albany guy calls me, the manager of the club, and he goes, how would you feel about this, and I hope my agent doesn't hear this, because I might get in trouble. But he goes, you want to come up a little early on Thursday, because I had a Thursday train arrive at like 6 p.m., I like to cut it close, you know what I mean? And he's like, why don't you come up a little early and do a corporate gig at like three.

You know, these companies rent out the club, and they do like a little holiday bullshit where they all raffle, and they all talk about how, oh, Ian clogged the toilet again in the office, and Gene stole my stapler, and we're all assholes, or whatever. Right, right. So, uh, so I was like, yeah, sure, he's like, I'll throw you actually a couple hundred bucks. And he's like, we got one Friday too, and I was like, great. So I drive up with this kid from Bean Town, Paul Spratt.

Oh, I know Paul Spratt. You know Paul Spratt? Yeah, yeah. He's like, hey, good egg. And we drive up together, and, you know, nice ride, he let me fall asleep, which was very nice. I think he's from the same town as me. No.

Or his cousin's from the same town. We talk, he's from Brockton. Yeah, I grew up in Whitman, so like a hundred yards away. Oh, is that right? Yeah, yeah. Okay. I think his cousin went to high school with me, or something like that. I mentioned Whitman.

He was quite unfazed. He was like, I don't know, Whitman. Well, that's crazy, because they're touching. Oh, I've been touched. All right. So we go up together. We go through the corporate gig, and it is like packed, like this giant business. I was like, what's the name of the business?

They're like business affairs enterprise, and it's all very vague, and I fucking bombed, and it was brutal, but, you know, I got that extra money. We hit the buffet. You know, they're bringing food out, and I hit the food. And then I had radio at 6 a.m. God damn, we gotta talk about radio. Oh, I hate radio. So many radios.

Four radios to do. One got canceled, which is like a godsend, and that was brutal. So I do one radio, and it's like the rock and roll hard rock station, with like, you know, the guy's got like a tongue piercing, and he's bald, and he's got weird like soul patch, and there's all these funny things on the wall, you know, like, suck my dick, George Bush, and like, Jesus is vague, or whatever the hell. They collect, and they have like a Star Wars figure, and they put lipstick on, and it's always like a bobble head with cum on it.

Yeah. And they've been in that room for 40 years, so just acquiring all this bullshit. Yeah, yeah. And you know, there's like a dartboard with Saddam Hussein's face, all this shit, you know. So I go in there, and they're like, what's it like, what are you, what are you doing out there? You eating drunk?

You fucking, you fucking men, and all that on the road, living on the road, and I'm like, ah, it's not that crazy, I'm doing this at 6 a.m., I hate myself, I'm gay, I'm looking forward to the free breakfast at the hotel. And so I get out of that room, and you know, I'm shucking and jiving, trying to be funny, and I get out of there, and we go right across the hall to the next room, and the next studio, and it's just some other radio station. And the lady's in like, she's got like a scarf on, and she's wearing like a knit sweater, and she's got like a snow globe and a cat picture that says, hang in there, and she's

like, hello, Mark, how are you, and I was like, hey, I'm good, I'm still in rock and roll, but I'm like, what's going on, you big twat, yeah, comedy, right, and she's like, yeah, yeah, so I hear you open for Louis C.K., and I was like, oh yeah, I love Louis, and she was like, what do you think about all the touching, and I was like, ow, or the jerking off, and I was like, oh, come on, get out of town, who gives a shit, the jerking off, grow up, what are you crazy, and I look at her, and she's like, ah, she's freaking out, we get out of there, and we did like 20 minutes, I'm bombing, she hates me, we get out of there, she's in a coma, she's freaking out, they're giving her CPR, and we leave

there, and they were like, that was the easy listening religious nation, and I was like, oh my god, I had no idea. Well, what'd you have me on for? I know, what are you gonna get, are you gonna get some religious nuts coming out to my comedy show? These clubs, we gotta get the word out, it's over with the radio. Enough with the fucking terrestrial. It's over for Bozo.

Bozo's done. Sweden, what was the country, Sweden turned off their FM, did you hear that, I started on Twitter. No, no. It was Sweden, or Finland, or Norway, or Germany, or Israel, one of those countries, they turned off the FM, they cut the cord, FM's over. Well, why would they keep AM, you think you'd keep FM over AM? Well, AM I think is like, there's a bomb coming, it's a nuclear war, or something like that,

you have to have like a boop-a-boop-a-boop-a-boop-a-boop, Schindler's List is playing, whatever, you gotta let them know. But FM, they're done, it's over. Got it. But it's the same thing, I told you, I had a 6.30 AM pickup to go from Rosemont to downtown Chicago, rush hour traffic, 75 minute ride, I did a five minute recording with Brian and Lou, and their fans, and their great guys, and I love the show, and I like them, and I want to be on the show, and we're recording, I'm like, I couldn't get a phone call.

Let me call in. Two and a half hour car ride at 6.30 AM, the sun's not even out, I'm in the back of the car talking to Johnny, the driver, and everyone's nice, I love everyone involved, I love the club, I love Zaneys, I love Brian, I love Lou, I love Johnny, I love my mother, I love my Uncle Dale, Cindy, but Cindy's the best, but it's like how many people really came from this five minute spot? Dude, I even asked what I'm on say ago, who heard me on the radio, not a peep. Not a pop, not a peep, not a tee, he never said ha, and these clubs should just get local

podcasts now, like let me be on a podcast, or like there's more people coming from me doing, talking about on the podcast, we're a bunch of podcast fans, but it's just hard to imagine anyone listening to the radio at 8 AM being like, that was a funny off the cuff line he just had. Right, you know, instead of, I'm gonna go home from a hard day's work, I've been up since 7 AM, I'm gonna go to a comedy show tonight and spend some money, fuck that, it's not gonna, one tweet does more. It's hard and I appreciate it, but I just feel like it's a little old agey.

And they pay for that shit too, they pay, they have to rent out the radio time, that's why they make you do it. Well, and the driver must have got paid $1,000, he was in the car for a fucking, we could've watched Braveheart and, you know, Babe picking the city. Ah, yes, I think he had like a big director, that Babe. George, what's this to it? Orwell. Max, Maximilian.

Redenbacher. Max Fury. Mad Max Fury Road. Oh, he did that. Yeah, he did Babe. Boy, he's got some range. Yeah, he does. Although, Babe was the best picture, I believe.

A nominee. I think it won. No. I'm pretty sure that pig took home the gold. Babe, $5 million, Babe picking the city didn't win the Oscar. Get on it. I think Babe won. It didn't win, I know the Oscar, I've seen every Oscar since I was six.

Babe didn't win, they didn't have a pig out there, the only pig out there is Merrill Streep. Where's my Christmas gift? My wedding gift. Ah, yeah, Streep, you're a renegger. Oh, we're gonna have to end it. She reneged. That's an E, folks.

Neg. She's not a pig, she's sweet as pie, and I love her, and I hope she never hears this. She's a cow and a liar. I had to think of some Hollywood woman to say pig, but you can't even say that anymore. I was waiting for Oprah. Ah, Oprah, no, she's a glorious Chicago, Babe. Ah, big O. I thought it won.

Oprah and Anthony. No, it didn't win, but it's nominated. All right, all right. There's no way it won. Shelby doesn't even have a computer over there. Yeah, can we get a typewriter? It was nominated for Best Song. That's it?

That's it. No, no, no, no. Not Pig in the City, the original Babe. Oh, the original Babe. Yeah, Pig in the City was Direct-A-Vid. I'm pretty sure they put that thing on the slaughterhouse. Yeah, it was... Nominate for Best, but it didn't win, though.

It won Best Effects, but it was nominated for, like, Picture, Director, Screenplay. Game! Yeah, it's something. I mean, they really loved that Babe. That movie stunk. Not to be confused with The Babe with John Goodman as Babe Ruth and Kelly McGiss. Oh, I loved it when I was a kid. Oh, I was a kid.

I loved Gallagher. I hit him up with a dumb D-U-M, D-U-M-B. That was brilliant. I love Gallagher. I stand by him. I hung out with him. Really? We kissed.

Oh, I spent a weekend with that guy. Wait, have we heard about this? I hung out with him a bunch. It was a whole situation. What? Somebody, this is at the Boston Comedy Festival. I told you this story. It's the craziest story ever.

Wait, I'm here. He wanted to do a documentary. He did. This is the Boston Comedy Festival back in, like, 1985 or something. Yeah. It was my ninth year in and he wanted to do a documentary about him toodling. Toodle-age. Toodle-age.

Is there a verb for toodle-age? Toodling? Toodle-aging. Toodling? Is toodler and toodle-age? That's the best way to say it. That's the root word. Ah.

A toodler, but you don't. Do you toodle somebody? You toodle. You toodle somebody. You give them toodle-age. What is toodle-age? Is that teachings? That's what I'm trying to figure out.

What's toodle-age, shellfish? It's like you're on a different show. Toodle-age is the tooder. That's the noun of toodling. No. So he's a toodle-age? You toodle somebody and what you acquire from the tooder is toodle-age. This is too much.

I think you could tear the toodle-age in your knee. Yes. Toodle-age is like the authority or protection over someone, but you can't say giving instructions. So you're right. I think, yeah, the toodle-age. So like a king toodles? A king toodle. I can toodle.

I can toodle you. I can say, hey, Mark, you put the bomb in the basket. Right. Or get the hose again. Toodles. I don't know where we are anymore, but anyways, Gallagher wanted to do a movie, a documentary where he toodles the young comics. Oh, fun.

And so I was talking, we're sitting in a booth at the old Remington's restaurant, the Comedy Vault. I think Louis did that. Yeah, he toodled me. He asked permission first. Yeah, he always does. I said yes, and then he toodled all over his stomach. But great guy, good father.

Hell of a comic. Best one. Maybe. And very thoughtful. Donated 200 grand to the LGBTQ. Sweet, brilliant man. Deadmore for women than anyone else. Anywho.

So anyways, we're sitting at the booth at Remington's. It's Gallagher and some filmmaker and me, and I'm nervous and I'm young and I'm wearing acid wash jeans and a headband. And a big walkman. And he says, all right, so tell me, but I had also heard he's a bit of a thief. Oh. And I was like 19. I'm very protective of my bits, of course.

And so he's like, tell me about your, I want to toodle. Yeah, maybe you could be a good character for the film. And in my mind, I'm like, I might be in a movie with Gallagher, but also my other half brain is like, there's no way that I'm going to be a movie. This is stupid. This guy's going to toodle me. He's a fucking. Right.

He's smashing watermelon. This guy's a tool. Yes. He's going to tell me, he says, tell me some of your jokes, but I don't want to tell him my jokes because I thought he's a thief. So he's trying to trick me. I was very savvy as a teen. So I said, well, I do a lot of self deprecating and, you know, my father's gay and it's kind

of, you know, whittle the tail. Yeah, it's whittle. And he's like, you're a nerd. You're a big nerd. Meanwhile, he's bald with a scally cap and a mustache and he's smashing fruit for a living. He's got a mallet on him. He's telling me, I'm a nerd. Yeah.

I'm like, I'm cool, baby. Right. You're a drunk with a leather jacket. I got a leather jacket. I got a flask in the jacket. Yes. I fucked a fat chick earlier that day. I mean, I'm pretty hip.

Yeah. Pretty hip. This guy's got a sledge-o-matic from 1978. Right. He got a duvet in the front row. You're calling me a nerd. You roller-bladed into your special. Roller skate.

Roller-bladed would be too cool. You're on roller skates, you fucking loser. Yeah. You wore a black vest and a t-shirt. Anyways, so he says, you're a nerd. And he goes, boy, I can't open notice you're a tall drink of water. And I go, well, thank you for noticing. I appreciate it.

He goes, you're long, you're skinny. And he looks and he's really thinking. He's rubbing his chin a little bit. Uh-oh. And he goes, I'm thinking basketball. And I go, what? And he goes, you bring a basketball. This is an honest to God truth word for word.

You bring a basketball on stage with you. Uh-huh. And now I got to try to keep a straight face. Prop comedy. Why this old, you know, fucking yuppie is telling me I got to bring a basketball on stage. They go, well, I don't really do that. I do kind of a setup punch.

He's like, you do the setup punch. But you have a basketball with you. You carry it under your arm. Whoa. Then on a big punchline, you dunk it. Whoa. And I'm like, I got to get a hoop. I got to bring a hoop out there too.

I got a ball and a hoop. I got to drag a hoop behind me, set it up, carry a ball. That's a lot. Meanwhile, I'm like, I'm working at the comedy connection. Right. It's a club. I can't just bring a hoop out there. Yeah.

Yeah. What are you going to set up a big rider? What do you call that thing? Ridell? That's a high school. We go together like skippity skuppity bop. Spalding. But he's dead serious.

He's like, you got to bring a ball and dunk it in the hoop. Wow. Jump up and stuff it in the basket, chief. And I go, well, maybe, yeah. And I'm sitting there, and the director's like writing this down. He's like, this could be a good motion picture where Gallagher tells this fucking nerd. You got cameras on you? No, no cameras.

Yeah, but we're canoodling. Brainstorming. Brainstorming. Yes, holy hell. You're canoodling with a toodling. It's a toodle canoodle. You've got that right. And I never went through with it.

I never brought a basketball on stage because it's, you know, retarded. Wow. But that was his plan. I mean, how could you sit? I mean, he's such a lunatic. I would feel very unsafe around him because he's like a cat where you could just go off on you. Yeah, it was a little unnerving.

This guy, Greg Rodriguez, who's a really funny comic back in the day. Gay Latino. He should have stuck around a little longer. He could have really blown up. He's huge. Greg Rodriguez. He had some great jokes. Greg Rodriguez.

But he had a funny line about it. And he's like, at the beginning of the festival, everyone was like, oh my god, it's Gallagher. At the end of the festival, everyone was like, oh my god, it's Gallagher. It was really funny. Love that. But he had some great jokes, Greg Rodriguez. But I think he, you know, shuffled off into the night. Uh-huh.

But anyway, I don't even know how he got to Gallagher, but that was my Gallagher story. I don't know. I've never heard the basketball thing. I was pretty fucking crazy. I'm glad we pulled that out. That's a beauty. Yeah, that was something else. Man, Gallagher.

You ever heard his Marin? No, I never listened. I heard Gallagher's hotel room. He flips out on Marin. Marin calls him a racist. And he's like, get the fuck out of here. I am going to kill your eyes. It's crazy.

It's a great listen. Well, you know, he might be. He's from the 60s or whatever, but you think that was like taking it to the streets. Yeah. I think in the 60s, you were either racist or you were like, fuck racism. Yeah, you were either or. Nobody was in the middle. I guess that's still true now.

Nah, there's people in the middle. Well, so that was the radio. I pissed off the easy listening lady. And I remember I had my opener. There's a restaurant there called Black and Blue. And it's next to the club. It's like a steakhouse. And I was like, that'd be a great place to bring your wife if you abuser.

And the lady was like, she was freaking out. And I was really trying to yuck it up. And I got a bunch of tweets like, you should be ashamed of yourself, young man. You're the way you treat it. I was like, I didn't know. I was just on a mic. Oh, God. By the way, I got zero tweets from my radio.

That's a good sign. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. If not one person tweeted, it's probably likely that no one's coming to the show. No, no. I got three tweets and they were all negative. So then Friday hit the gym, went to Planet Fitness. I got to really buy a membership because I take an Uber there.

That's $8. Uh-huh. The Planet Fitness day pass is 20 bones. Then you take an Uber home and that's $8. Yep. So I'm in for what? What is that? $42?

That's 38. 32. 32. I can't do math. Follow the tip. Brings it up to 33. Toadledge. So, yeah.

But how about this? I'm in the Planet Fitness. I'm hungover. I hate myself. So I work out out of guilt to push it out, you know? Like a dump. Yeah. And I'm hitting about 185 on the bench these days.

I've really been building up. That's more than I weigh. You can bench press me. I'll bench you. That'd be a good YouTube, Patreon. Let's do it right after this. Stick your thumb in my ass and your other one on my nipple and we'll bench it. I'll get one in the mouth, one in the ass.

I don't know which one's smaller. One in the small, one in the tiny. Yeah, one in the pink, one in the dink. Dink? What am I dink? So I get on this weight bench machine and I put the little, you know, little weight plug in, whatever you call it. The clinker.

The clinky. And I'm just going, ah, and I can't get it up. Ah, boy. I've been there. Yeah, yeah. That's a weird thing to yell. But yeah, I couldn't get it, couldn't get it moving. I was like, man, I'm weak.

I'm so hungover. It must be something. And I just go, all right, let me wait like a minute and try again. Ah, I just couldn't move it. And I go, what the fuck is wrong with me? I do this twice a week. I work out. Why can't I get this going?

I try it one more time. And I pull up my shoulder. I'm like, ah, fuck. I couldn't get it going. Oy vey. I look down. Oh, 288. That's the station that woman's on.

That's right. 288. Rock 104. Christian. So I don't know what the point of the story is, but I pulled it out, put it back in a 185 and put it right up. I think the point was how much you can bench. That's what it seems like.

Oh, sorry. I don't know. Is that a high amount? Who knows anymore? I don't know. It's more than I. I got to get rid of this gold. What are you benching, kid?

That was a lot of high school. How much you bench? Wasn't that a thing? What's that from? Wasn't that something? Wasn't that like a big thing? Was that SNL or something like that? Oh, was it Hans and Franz?

Maybe. Pump you up. Shelby, Google how much you bench? Wasn't that like two A-holes sketch on SNL? Maybe. Two A-holes. I don't know. I don't know.

Sounds like us. I remember everyone saying how much you benched. It was like part of the dialogue, but I didn't know what it was. It's just a common equilism. How much you bench? I thought it was like a thing from a thing. Check it out. Give it a Google if you get time.

Give it a Google. Get time and time to wait for to marry. So now it's Friday. Time for our second corporate gig. One. Two corporates. Yeah, so I'm breaking in the wads. You're cleaning up.

Plus the chickapee. Yeah. Not a bad lunch and also good spread. So I go in there. It's an automotry clinic. Ooh. You know, they do lay sick. They cut your eyeball open.

It's pretty fascinating stuff. Yeah, yeah. This isn't Lenscrafters, folks. This is the real deal. Oh, this is suck my dicks. They're wearing lab coats. So I go in. It's 35 people.

They're all, it's like a bunch of just yentas. A bunch of gaglin' gals, you know. Overweight, like older women in their 50s. And they all have health care. They got a good gig. They love each other. And the guy's going up and he's like, this guy Mark, he goes up with a Santa hat on.

They all have reindeer antlers on. That's all very cutesy. I hate the antlers. So he goes up and he goes, Barbara this year sold blah, blah, blah. Woo. Rachel this year did very well. Sales are way up.

And there's one guy, Alop. He's the one. Alop. He's the one Indian guy there. Oh, wow. He's quiet and meek. And he's like, Alop, sold blah. Everybody's like, blah, Alop.

They're all like, shake Alop. And he's like, don't touch me. You know. That's a lot of fun. Oh, he sold Alop. What do you got? You're actually right. There's like a 90s SNL sketch called

How Much You Bench. Wow. They all have like comically tiny legs and big upper bodies. Yeah, yeah. That was the thing. I remember that. How much you benched?

I never came across that in my life. But it was different than Hans in France. Yeah. I think it was a one-off. Like Emilio Estevez is like, you know, the host guy and the whole rotating cast around him or whatever. You know what? Maybe that Emilio Estevez, he hosted with Pearl Jam.

So that might have been why I knew it. Boy, that was buried deep in the sub. Because there was like a big episode. It was like Pearl Jam was on SNL. So it was like a whole thing. Aha. So corporate gig. Anyway, it's back to Alop.

It's getting fussled. Yeah. And so Chris Allen is the host. So he goes up and he's like, this is a small crowd. These people want to be talked to. They don't want to be, you know, jokes. So he goes up, crowd works them. They get a little weird on them.

Then Paul Spratt goes up. He's the middle. They get a little weird on him. So I just go up and I go, I'm just going to tell jokes. And I just went up and told jokes and it worked. And then after a while, I kind of like bled into a little bit of like, what's up with Lasik? Do you have Lasik?

Because a lot of people had glasses. So I said, why don't you work there? Why don't you have Lasik? And they were like, I'm not doing that shit. I'm like, so you would do Lasik on strangers, but you won't get Lasik. And it got pretty fascinating. We got somewhere.

Wow, interesting. They won't do Lasik. It's terrifying to me. Yeah, but they're Lasik people. I know. That's scary. It's very strange. You know, they also cut the eye.

Yeah, they cut it. I mean, I do a joke about it. It seems like, I've talked about this before, or I do it on stage, but it seems like it's the third best option. If you just came from another planet and you were like, we can put rest glasses comfortably on your face,

or you can put piece of plastic in your eye, or we can cut the front of your eye off. But it works. I feel like you'd be like, I'll take the first one, obviously. Sure, but I mean, look at Cantor. He sees like a hawk. Nate Barghetti, too.

Oh, he got it? He got it, yeah. He got it years ago. Just find it fascinating that they won't even do it to themselves and they don't practice what they preach. Well, also, I mean, I say this as well, but at some point, if you just wait long enough, they'll be like a suppository.

You think? Like in the future, it'll just, everything gets, you know, everything progresses. Yeah. Like DVDs, we're like, this is the best ever. Now, they're obsolete. No, it's up. 10 years from now, you'll just, you know,

you'll snort a fucking powder, and then you'll be able to see forever. When's the hair loss coming out? You know, that's got to pop soon. That's on its way, I think. I don't know. We've been saying that for 40 years. But isn't there some things you can do?

Well, there's a propice and there's Rogay, but nothing, I mean, people are still going bald, so it ain't, you know, it ain't working all the way. I don't know. I don't know anything about that. Yeah, you got a nice, thick mane. It's not bad. Yeah, it's luscious.

How much you bench? I want to put my fingers through it. But yeah, so fun time with the, and I tell you those, I'm going to get a little geeky comedy here, but those corporates, they're kind of good for you. They shake you up a bit. They get you out of your comfort zone.

You got to just be funny in the moment. You can't just rely on your act. You got to be shucking and jiving. So they were fun. And all the reindeer hats. Nice people. It's amazing. People just have regular jobs all day, every day.

And that's it. Yep. That's their big event. Going to see you. I know. You're like, I got this side gig. It's nice. It's the afternoon.

It gives you something to do. I'll make a few bucks for them. It's like, this is a big thing. We're going to see this TV guy. Exactly. So we go out in Albany. We get drunk. Albany, not a bad city.

There's some shit to do. We go down to Lark Street. That's like the hipster, cool, gay area. Oh, no kidding. We got pretty sloppy. And then I love these Hampton Inns. It's free hotel Wi-Fi, free breakfast, free cookies all day. The cheaper the hotel, the more free stuff you get.

It's like a fat chick. You get more out of them. You go on a big tour. You go to the Waldorf Astoria. Laundry costs $8 million. Yes. The food's 50 bucks. Wi-Fi, they charge you.

It's crazy. You eat a mint. They rape you in the anal. Yeah, they do. But these cheap hotels, all you need is the bed. Yeah. So I love a cheap hotel, or at least a middle of the road. So then after that, I'm hungover on Sunday.

We go see. We're like, ah, fuck it. We've done corporates every day. Let's take it easy. Go to Chipotle and see a movie. We go great. We go to the mall. We go see Disaster Artist.

Yeah, any good? It's a fun watch. It's not a great film. But you got to respect what the guys did. They go, hey, we love this fucked up movie, The Room. Let's make a movie about that movie being made. They're just doing what they want. Movie by movie.

That's why Seth Rogen and Franco are cool. They're like, hey, we're going to go do this. If you want to watch it, great. If you don't, great. And the reviews are in. I mean, it's like a 98% or a lot to me. Is that right? Yeah.

I didn't think it was that good. It's a little cheesy. It's a lot of like, we got to follow our dreams, man. A lot of that shit. And a lot of Carmichael's in it. Hannibal's in it. Joe Mandy's in it. Oh, wow.

John Early. All these comedians are all over it. No kidding. Yeah. That was kind of fun. I'd like to be in a movie. Oh, that'd be fun, huh? It seems like fun.

Yeah. And it's a good paycheck and just easy. Being on a set is so fun. It's so exciting. They come and they knock on your door and then they hold a little fan to your face. It feels fun. You're making a thing. It's silly and fun and weird.

I love it. And you're like, this is work? They're putting makeup on you. It's a good time. I like putting makeup on. I do it at home. A little eyeliner and blush. Sure.

And then I jerk off and I pretend I'm watching a different person jerk off and then I eat it. It's so funny. I did that with fingernail polish. Oh, I remember. Yeah. That's a legendary. All right.

So we saw Disaster Artist. And I don't eat. You've been sober, what? Four years now? Five years. Boy, you're half a deck. Five, yeah. Half a decade.

That's pretty impressive. I've now known you longer sober than when I was drinking. No. Isn't that crazy? We've been friends. Yeah, look at that. We became friends when I was about nine. Yeah.

How about that? That's three years and five years. There you go. Well, they hangover anxiety started kicking in and I was watching the movie and I had all these roller coasters of like panic attack. Yeah. It was about creative and it was about this guy who never could make it and he's trying to be in the movie business and no one likes him and I started like being like, who am

I? I'm nowhere in my career. What am I doing? I got to get this. I got to get that. Everybody's killing it. I hate myself. I'm gay.

And I was like, oh, think about my jokes. Like you're telling that joke on stage. Who do you think you are to get away with that? That's too offensive. It's too edgy. You suck. You shouldn't be telling those jokes. And I had to like dig myself out of it like, no, you're fine.

You're good. You're headlining a club. And I'm like, but I'm headlining a funny one in the mall. I'm such a hack. What am I doing? Cruise ships next. Yeah. So it was a whole thing.

Sometimes in movies it is because you're in your head. You're watching. If the movie's not great. Yes. You're just sitting there in your head going, what am I doing? I should be doing something else. It's easy to come apart when you're on a movie. Very come apartable.

And I'm not looking at my phone. I'm not doing anything. You're just sitting there with your thought in a dark room. I'm like that in baseball games too because it's slow. Yeah. For a long time. I'm just like, I hate myself. Totally.

That's probably why I drank in baseball games. It's a struggle. Yeah. I got to get into this major thing that happened to me. Oh, you got a major. It's a stunning thing. Oh please. This is a major.

I didn't know. I was just killing time here with yapping about my panic attack. I got a major over here. You got a major. I had a private. A private? What's that? Ranking.

Military. Oh, I even private. I was like, I got some bad news. There's people listening to this. Oh no. I got a private part. But I was just saying, these are all privates. If you got a major, bring out that.

I got a major. This is a colonel. Oh boy. We got a colonel Sanders. I got a colonel stuck in my teeth from when I went to the movies. By the way, I was talking to a guy we know, a comic, that I bumped into in the train. He was like, your podcast is huge. What do you got?

Half a million listeners? I'm like, half a million. Oh my God. Pretty crazy. We'd kill for that. Half a million. I'd be famous. That's where it should be.

We'd have an ad. I can tell you that. Oh, we could use an ad shelf. Can we email somebody about that? Yeah. Let's get an ad in here. Patreon. Hit up the Patreon.

We're making no money over here for these things. No, and buy a shirt for Christ's sake. It's a good Christmas gift. Oh, I got to thank Colleen and Dave and Rosemond, by the way. Colleen and Dave, they got a little baby on the way. Oh. Colleen and Dave, good luck. Best of luck.

Good looking couple. They gave us each a $25 Chipotle gift card. They had a gray Tuesday shirt. They had me signed. They're going to have you signed. They're going to put it on the glass, these folks. Wow. Where were they in Chicago when I was there?

I think they came. Maybe they were too nervous or they weren't pregnant yet or something. Oh yeah. Bring the baby. I'll kiss it. So yeah, Colleen and Dave, big shout out. Thank you guys. Thanks to all the Tuesdays in Chicago.

Yes. Chicago is a big, healthy market back there. Yeah. It's one of the good cities. And a good market and we need a joke kit. Ah. A joke kit would come with herpes and glasses. A small mouth.

A mouth shrinker. Yes. A mouth shrinker. But anyways. All right. So this is a big, big daddy. A big, this one really. Hit me, Papa.

It hit my spine and made it. I got a spine quiver. Oh, a spine abifida. Yes, sir. He's just playing the hand he was dealt. You ever see Shallow Hal? I think it's underrated. Great movie.

There's some real laughs in there. It's, it would be offensive today. Yeah. Well, everything, everything they've ever done would be offensive. Yeah. Fucking, you know, Mickey Mouse is offensive. But it's really, you know. Oh, that was Macky.

Yeah. Macky Mouse. That's not bad. So anyways, I do the MSG show. I'm working for MSG and San Maril. I do the post game for Cheapo Air. Madison Square Garden. I do some Q and A with the Knicks and Rangers fans.

So I do it and it's fun. It's invigorating. You're talking to the fans and you go, ah-hoo-hoo. And you laugh. You make fun of them. It's all on YouTube. You can watch it. So I leave and I'm going back.

This is the night of the San Maril special. Yes. And so I do the, the, the MSG. And now I got to run back to go watch. I was there earlier. I was loving it. I felt great. I go to MSG.

I feel good. I'm making some money. I'm meeting some people. It's exciting. I'm going back to Sam. So I run down the steps at Penn Station. I see a big, a hobble hobble. A real thing happening.

This is a major. So this is, I see about six or seven cops in a crowd gathered at the bottom of the stairs. And I'm thinking, oh boy, we got an incident here. New York City. And there's a bunch of cops at Penn Station. So these are first responders. So I'm wondering what's going on. Maybe there's a stabbing or something.

I walk down the stairs and there is a dead person. Whoa. At the bottom of the steps. A body. A body, Jerry. Wow. She's got a great body, buddy. He's down there.

This guy is in a suit. Older guy. Tie suit. He's laying there motionless. Whoa. Nothing. And then there's a woman. I assume his wife is sitting Indian style, Native American style at his head, holding

his head crying. She's like this. Are they on the floor or the stairs? They're on the floor, on the, on the ground at the bottom of the stairs. So I don't know if he fell down the stairs, had a heart attack or what. Oh my God. They're laying there lifeless and it's just cops. And I guess cops don't have to be trained in CPR or some shit.

No. Because they're just standing there. I mean, they're doing nothing. They're just looking at him. Well, maybe it's too late. It might be too late. So then they're like back up, everybody back up. They're not giving him air because he's just dead.

I mean, this guy is dead. I'm looking at, I can see his face. Wow. Just fucking frozen. Nothingness. Oh, the woman's, ah, so sad. And she's holding him crying. It was really stunning.

It sent a chill right through my asshole. Clearly the wife. I assume it's the wife. I mean, maybe it's a sister or whatever, but it's definitely someone that knows because they would have cleared her, you know. Yeah, yeah. And so then I'm like, all right, I got to walk away here because they want space. I don't want to be one of these guys that's a voyeur or a paparazzi.

Filming guy. So I said, let me get out of here. Let me have this moment. Let them have the moment. And then I'm walking down another layer of stairs to get to the subway because it's like double layer. And as I'm walking down those stairs, I see two paramedics running with the orange kit. It's like the Jolti kit.

Defibrillator. It's called Makeway. I've never heard anyone actually say Makeway. Wow. Look at that. He's like, Makeway. Lady with a baby. He was running up there.

You know, it was like, I've never heard Makeway actually use. Yes. In a movie, maybe. But he had the thing and he was like, they were going to go jolt them and try to save them. So maybe, maybe he's back. I don't know. Well, call in folks.

Have you seen that old guy walking around life, full of life, a guy in a suit with a limp, I assume something. Something. But a lot of time must have passed because like, I mean, I don't know how long he can stay dead for. Maybe a minute, two minutes, but I was, I was the time that I was coming down the stairs, stopped to on look and then walked. I mean, realistically, it was probably 40 seconds, but he was already there when it

happened. So it must have been at least a minute of just flat lining. Sounds like a bad ticker. But it was real crazy. And I really, I made sure to not look at my phone or anything for a while. I wanted to really feel it and feel the emotion, the feeling. Pretty wild. But it's crazy to just be, that's, that's it.

It's life and death. That's it, baby. You're shooting a TV show. Hey, what's the next capital of the center? And then I'm like, woo, hot dog. I'm sliding down the thing. Yeah. There it is.

It's death right in front of you. Oh, that's somebody's dad, husband, uncle, friend. Yeah. I think of all the people he had sex with. I know. Like someone fucked a dead guy. Maybe he had AIDS. Have you fucked anyone that died?

Have I fucked? Yes. Really? I'll tell you later. Oh, wow. How do I know about it? No. I don't want to bring it up.

And then what if somebody knows the person? Right, right. You might know the guy. Boy, oh boy. But yeah, life and death, folks. So enjoy it out there, everybody. Happy New Year. And it's, boy, what is it?

January 2nd here. It's the new year. Yeah. 2018. Here's to Better Times. And, ah, I had a funny joke. I just thought of it. Damn it.

Yeah. It would have been good in the moment. Too late. Have you fucked any dead guy? I could have said Robert Williams. Ah, that would have been fun. That's something. Happy 2018.

We love you. Thanks. Let's make it a big year. Yeah. Let's do some shit. Make accomplished things. Tell a friend. And come see us.

Yeah. We'll be better people. And a lot of gigs coming up, of course. We got Poughkeepsie this Friday night. Yeah, we got that right. That's big. Yeah. Laugh it up, folks.

And then Madison, Wisconsin. My favorite comedy on the state with Sarah coming up. Denver's in a couple of weeks. Yes. John Patton, Steve Simone. Come on to that one. That'll be great. I got Ann Arbor Comedy Showcase.

My birthday weekend. Come on to that. April 5th, 6th, and 7th. The big 3-6. Yes. Come on to that. We'll both be at Moontower. We're going to do a live Tuesdays with stories at Moontower in Austin.

We're coming back. Check it out. I'm at Irvine Improv in Irvine, California. Come on out to that. Then Charlie Goodnights in Raleigh. I've been hearing great things about that room. Friends in Grand Rapids. Helium in Buffalo.

Helium in Philly. A lot of good dates coming up. Charlotte Comedy Zone with Chris Allen. My old pal with a tight shirt. Laughing Skull in Atlanta. Love Atlanta. Comedy Attic Bloomington. A lot of stuff on the books.

So come on out. Get a Chipotle card. Say hello. Buy a shirt. Check the Patreon. New Cweefs always coming at you. And have a happy new. Yeah.

Love you. Happy. Good luck to you. Love to love you. Take care of each other out there folks. Keep it real. Thousand