Tuesdays with Stories! - #227 Double Ditto

Episode Date: January 9, 2018

In an episode filled with pegging, Joe gets caught in a hellish snowstorm on the way to Vermont before Mark gets ripped off before a NY Rangers game and a train ride with the most annoying kid in recorded history! Check it out! Become a subscriber to our Patreon for the latest LIVE bonus pod with Michelle Wolf & Ari Shaffir! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download Go on iTunes and give the pod a #5StarLunch review!

This is a stand-up New York Labs production, providing you podcasts since 2013. Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard.

And then the duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe Less. Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody.

That's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. Holy hell! It's a sunny day in California here, folks. We are really doing it Tuesday, 2018! We're here, we're queer, and we're gay also. Can you be queer and gay? Yeah, queer is strange, and gay is having sex.

Gay could be happy. Oh yeah, gay is happy. I have a gay old time. Right. I wonder when that flipped over. I don't know, probably around the 80s when AIDS, the AIDSies, if you will. I believe we have before, so why not again? Sure.

I think it started to get weird. Because that's when, before, I think gay was like a rumor. You know what I mean? There was gay people, but they were like, no, get out of here. That's a lie, that's a myth. Right, you did a lot of that hand wiggling, you know, that guy's like, ooh. Yeah, yeah. And he's not married, he's 41.

Michael J. Fox is a lot of hand wiggling. That's true. So does Ali. Yes, well he's dead. He died! I believe so, two years ago or one year ago? I think two years ago. That was a big one.

Alcohol, drugs. It's weird with these deaths, I think it was beaten amongst the head area. AIDS. It's weird with these deaths where people were like tragic and sad, but they're like, that guy was 90. Yeah, that's a good run. It's like if Brad Pitt dies, then I'll cry and kill my parents, but Muhammad Ali, you're like, he lived. Yeah, he had a great life, he knew the Beatles. Yeah, well he didn't know who they were, remember that?

That's right, he called them fags. He was like, who are those fags? He said fags. He did. Oh, really? It's in my facts, I follow what the fuck facts on Twitter. Oh, I don't trust those facts. I don't trust them either, but they are fun.

Yeah, well, you know, calling the Beatles fags is fun. I mean, anyway, you slice it. Also, it seems pretty believable. I mean, it was the 60s, you know. I don't know what they say in that word back then. Oh, what are you kidding? They invented it. But I think they said it like, go home, faggots.

They weren't like, who are those fags? I don't know, I think it was both. Maybe. I think that word was very, had a lot of range. Now, I had a what the fuck fact. It said the Beatles called him the N-word. That I also could buy. So maybe they, I could have fought.

Let me ask you this, would you rather have herpes or AIDS? What are you kidding? I have herpes. I'm living a nice life. Ah, well, I'm just saying AIDS is curable now. No, it's not. Well, it's basically nothing. It's treatable, but you got to have money and I don't have insurance.

I'm not, I'd be a die from AIDS guy. I'd be dead in a week. No, we'd get a GoFundMe. I know, but even with the GoFund, you got to get, what, 800 bucks? That buys you one needle. You think? Yeah, Muhammad Ali has a bunch of movie theater. Whatever, what's the guy?

Who's the one? Johnson. Magic Johnson, Muhammad Johnson. I think I went Johnson, not magic. Muhammad Johnson's great hotel. He's got a good bodega by me. He's got movie theaters and he's got billions. So he's just paying for the noodles and the pills.

Sheen too. But sheen's HIV, I think, or they're both HIV. AIDS is different. AIDS is still a death sentence. Let me go HIV or herpes. I'd still take herpes because I had a couple outbreaks and here and there and every once in a while I'll have an outbreak. I called Dr. Steve.

It costs 30 bucks. I take two pills and I'm back on top. You're on the Steve train? Don't tell me about Dr. Steve. This guy's been getting me dick medicine since 1981. Dr, I love Steve. He's my lord and savior. I'm thinking about moving to Tennessee just for your old DS.

Yeah, well, he can ship. That's the beauty of technology. He can just hit up a CVS anywhere in the country. I don't need a ship. I need a stethoscope in my asshole. I can do that. Put some things around and find out what's cooking down there. It'd be nice to fly.

We should all fly them out because I got a hurry on Steve. Oh, really? Yeah, it'd be nice to fly. And he makes no money. It's not like we're helping him out, you know? No, we should go to him. I guess you're right. We should go to him and really get him like a spa package.

Yeah, we book a plane. He checks out our feet, our hooves, our lungs, the whole thing. Yeah, we give him what you pull, leg guard and hit the road. Yeah, I think this is a good idea. I haven't had my temperature taken since I was in fifth grade. No, ditto, ditto. That was a double ditto. Double ditto.

A ditto ditto. Hey, we won an award, by the way. Come again? We won an award. On my face. Best naming of podcasts, which is not a great award, by the way. What? That's what we got.

The entire bang. Oh, bang. They gave us best episode titles, I think it was. Was that what it was? Splitsider. Splitsider. Oh, shit. Are those confused or related or similar?

They're all comedy and nobody reads them. Oh, that's hurtful. Wow. Who's reading these? But we won an award, we had the best titles, which is a little hurtful because they say you can't judge a book by its cover in all that business and don't judge a tit by its nipple. Right.

Is that what they said? No, I just came up with it, but it's not bad. Maybe I will start reading it. I might tweet that. Don't judge a tit by its nipple. I like it. Yeah, because the nip has nothing to do with the tit. Just a tit.

Sounds like an Asian proverb. I am sweating like... It's hot as Shelby in here. Magic Johnson chatting with Dr. Steve. All right, so HIV is off the table. Can I tweet that because I'll forget it otherwise. Tweet it right now. I'm trying to really stay away from Twitter.

If you're listening at home, give that a nice heart. You're going to have to go back and find it because... Yeah, this will come out in March. Oh, man, I got to show you a funny thing. You talk for a moment. All right, yeah. It's good to see you there, Fatty. These vacations and holidays are great and they're good and warm and good for the heart

and you eat a lot and all that. Oh, Rusty. I feel like I lose my New York edge and I come back and I got to get kicked around a little bit before I'm back in my asshole. When you hear Rusty, do you think Christmas vacation or Seinfeld? Oh, I go sign first. Rusty. Yeah.

I guess it's not Christmas vacation. Right, right. They switched that kit up a few times. Yeah, it was fun. That was a good joke they put in. I don't even recognize you guys anymore. Right, right. That was fun.

That was a different time when you could do that. The Europeans a little underrated if you ask me. Not European. Vegas? Vegas. That was funny. Randy Quaid was killing it. It's a birthmark.

Right to the blue shit up his sleeve. I was like the idea of having a birthmark that travels up your sleeve. Right. So, I'm back and like at the dinner, we went to the big dude lunch. Oh, the dude lunch. Big dude lunch. Just the Gomez, the Puerto Rican rattle. He puts together this thing every year.

What's the third year going? I think this is the third year, yeah. Yeah. And you can't miss it, but I woke up and I just had one of those mornings where you're like, ah, I'm staying in. I'm glad I got nothing to do today. And you text me and you go, you come to the lunch and I go, ah, and I just, I had like a pang.

A pang? Not the delivery guy. Not a hunger? No, just a fear pang. I'm like, ah, fuck that. I'm not going. People talking. I just couldn't do it.

And you're like, ah, you're not going. And I said, fuck it. I should go. And I'm so glad I went. Yeah, you got to go. It's a fun time. We had a good time. I had to lock arms with like five guys though.

Yes. And shuffle over. There's seats. There's 60 people. And I don't want to disparage any comedians. I love all comics that are working except for most of them. Well, you get your cliques together. You get your group.

Yeah, you got a group and you have close friends, but sometimes you all go to sit and a couple of people that you're not so close with, they pop in right next to you. And then you go, now I got to get to know a guy. Ah, nobody wants to. What is it? Is he harmony? I'm looking over and everyone's just like, ah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Snob色 Wash. I'm just gonna do it. No. I just get there on time. What are you doing?

He's older. He is old. Yeah, he needs to gain. He's got a rascal. Those things don't move. But yeah, so we did the lunch and I'm glad I went and that's the thing with the anxiety and the self-hatred. You gotta just throw yourself in the pool.

Jump in the pool. There's no toe tap. You gotta just go in and I'm so glad I went and I had a couple of hot sets. So now I'm back and it feels good to be back. You brush that dust off. Yeah, you need to. I need the home feeling. I've been on the road so much.

I know. I had a road trip, then Christmas, then one day home, and then back on the road. So it's like, yeah, I like to be ensconced. I like to feel my couch and flip through the channels and have anal and put on my wife's shoes and walk around. Isn't it nice because you and me, we were a couple of poor cunts for years and we had no money and our home was, it was just a base where you put your dog shit and you took a dump and you jerked off and you had weird sheets, like your whole bed was a piece of

garbage. I slept on that thing many times. It was bad. It was a twin and it had a picture of the Rolling Stones cut out from a, like, you know, teen beat and taped on the bed of the hood of the, what do you call it, the hood? The, the, the, the, the, uh, the, uh, the headboard. The headboard. Yes.

It had a picture of like old Ronnie Woods smoking on it because it was from when I was 16. I never, I thought you were jerking to that. I didn't know what it was. Well, my head's there. I know. I thought you were looking at it. I know.

But that's the head. My back is to them. Well, I think it, you know, give it a look around, reach around. You can hurt your neck that way, my friend. That's true. Uh, that's true, Marty. Uh, but anyways, I had the sheets and then the sheet would always come off the corner that, you know what I mean?

That noise. I hate that noise. And then all of a sudden it's like, it's elastic, so it springs up on you. It curls around your foot. And we used to call it the raw part of the bed, like when you're the, the foot's on the raw. It's like all yellow. Yes.

The hay. Gross. Yeah. So I slept on that puppy for a while and, uh, you know, we just had no money and you know, you get roommates come and go and it's not really a home. We both have homes now. It feels so good. It's a nice home and that, that room also in that old apartment of mine, it had the

hook. It didn't have a, a closey door. It had a hook. Oh, the hook. So it was like a jar all the time. Always a jar. So like my fat Indian roommate would be walking by and it was, his name was a jar. It'd be a whole thing.

Yeah. He was Samoan. Yeah. You call him Samoan. I don't think he was. He's an odd duck. That guy was kooky. He was a good egg.

Yeah. I shouldn't have called him that. Yeah. He had a real limp. He had a hitch in his giddy up. Is that right? Yeah. He was 9-11.

He got crushed. He did it? No, no. Oh. He was, he was a victim. Ah, yes. Victim shaming. Um.

So yeah. So now we have a home. And boy, there's nothing, I've never had a home in my life. Even as a kid, I didn't feel at home at my parents' house. They were terrifying. So, uh, it's nice to have a home and I got pictures on the wall of you. I got Sam. I got Conan and, uh, Fallon up there.

It's just, it's, it's a shrine and a, and a sanctuary. The whole gang and yeah, we have a nice carpet and we had a Christmas tree set up, the big screen TV. It's really nice. And you bought all of it. It's all your shit. Yeah. Well, Louie bought most of it.

Oh. I only had to watch him beat off twice. Yeah. Just kidding. He didn't have a latch on the door. Speaking of Louie and, uh, beating off, the talk of the, the, the dinner, the lunch. Yes. The men's lunch, of course, was Dave Chipali.

Chapel. What, uh, what a performance. Yeah. Now you liked the, uh, the sit down. I loved it. The bird revelation. I think it was tall. He's really trying to do the Charlie Parker-y jazz thing.

I hope he doesn't do heroin, but, uh, yeah, that's a good point. I believe Charlie was on heroin. If I'm not mistaken. Oh, they all were on the white horse. Was it white horse? Yum, yum. Yum, yum. Um, was it white horse?

White horse tavern is in the village. I think there's something with a horse. Hmm. Black tar heroin. This sounds right, baby. Ride the dragon. Fuck you, mother. What do you got there?

Shelby's a heroin addict. They just call it horse. Horse. Oh, horse. I'm doing white. That's racist. Well, it's probably white. Heroin's whitish, isn't it?

Or yellowish? Oh, I thought it was black. No. Heroin. Maybe yellow. I think it's a yellowy white. Oh, pulp fiction. That's white.

Yeah, that's white. Uh-huh. That's white. All right. Shelby's making faces. I can't tell. He's licking the glass. There's no glass.

All right, so. Anyways, the Chapelle special was the talk of the town, and some people were offended. The most offensive part to me was the leg slapping. Oh, the mic tap. We got it. Other than that, I thought it was a wonder bar. I felt like at certain points, he was looking for things new to hit. You know, he's like stooled knee, shoulder, ventilation duct, you know, puppies, ashtray.

He was like, he's just hitting everything, hit an audience member with it. How fascinating the belly room to do a special in the belly room. Fun idea. Why? It's like the world or something. It's not even killing. No, not particularly. Well, he's not doing a ton of jokes.

No, no. And he laughed more than the crowd, maybe, but it was fun to watch. And I think, I was talking to Ruby about this, this might be the future of comedy, that like, get all the topical shit and get it out quick and just have your opinion out first. Right, right. That's not bad. It's kind of innovative. Yeah, it was interesting because he taped that a few weeks ago.

Yeah, like two months. And then, what was I going to say about it? Ow. You got to watch the other one, though. I got to watch it. It was not as cool. People weren't as excited about that one. I liked it.

I thought it was a real, that was like a real traditional special. Right, right. Some people thought he opens up talking about how great he is or some shit. Yeah, but it kind of works. It kind of, he's like, I'm dope. Let me tell you why. And he just goes, I can, any punchline, I can, I write the punchline first. I make the joke about it and it's pretty cool.

You got to see it. Somebody said, Big J does a similar thing. That's what I hear. I heard. Oh, good. But I love the OJ taking the knee thing. I mean, we were on the floor. Sarah and I were crying for that whole bit.

Great, great stuff. Great. The brittle spirit, Martin Luther King analogy was great. All that stuff was great. So yeah, give it a gander, folks. Comedy's going a weird way and I'm glad everybody's not wussing out and caving. But these fucking cum guzzlers at the Business Insider and all these other headline people just go, well, he's saying women are all weak.

He's saying women are fat. They're like, whatever. Like, hey, hey, listen to this set. Don't try to just get the headline out there for your clickbait jizz. No clickbait. I'm avoiding all the stuff. You hear and knew me. I'm avoiding.

Don't send me any art. I don't want to hear what anyone posted or wrote or tweeted. I'm off the Twitter. I shouldn't send. Don't send. All right. I almost sent you a one yesterday. No send.

Tim Dillon sent me a thing about some open micro in LA and she was like, I'm lighting you early. If you say anything sexist, misogynist, did he send you that one? That's evil. It's like, this is fascism. What are you talking about? You're an open mic. You're literally an open mic.

It's one thing if you own a club and you go, hey, listen, I got a business and I can't have a person right there saying, hey, trannies because my dad's a tranny and we could sell tickets to Tranny. You're at an open mic telling open mic is what they can and can't say. You're not addicted. You're a cut tater. And then all these people comment to go for you, sister, go get them or whatever. I'm like, come on.

Get out of the business. But I'm like, I don't even want to hear about this because this is a thing. Now I'm mad about it. I wouldn't even have known. It's some open mic in the city. I don't even live in. Right. It's someone that's never going to do anything with their lives.

But I'm like, stop saying. I don't want to hear anymore. It's too much stimuli. Because then you get mad. But in real life, we're not actually dealing with this on a day to day basis for the most part. I know. But now I'm bothered by this thing.

I know you get bothered. So I got to just remove myself and then people write mean shit on Twitter and I'm like, I'm just bringing this into my life for no reason. I know. But then don't you sit there and I mean, I guess you're right because we're not doing anything about it anyway. It's not like I'm going to whatever mic this is, getting a fucking plane ticket and kicking her in the cunt.

I got to stop saying cunt. But you know, I'm not kicking her in the tits. No. That's the point anyway. Yeah. You just get mad about things and shouldn't be out there. We're going to keep our eyes on our own paper. Yeah.

Well, I've been cheating my whole life. But it's crazy where it's just this thing about, oh, I gave him the lie. I let him. You can't say that. Like, so you're deciding what comics can and can't say or how can you live with yourself? Don't you see that you're the bad guy in a situation? It's crazy. You're a twat.

I changed it. You're a fascist. Thank you. Perfect. Fascism is coming back. Fascist shaming. I think Kevin Bacon in JFK might be my favorite movie character of all time. Oh, well.

Because you've never been fucked in the ass. Wow. That didn't ring a bell. What? He's so great. You're a good looking man. Is he a... He's a big gay prostitute.

Oh, is that right? Oh, you got to watch it. He's amazing. Man. You're a good looking man, Mr. Garrison. Kevin Bacon, he plays a pedophile in the woodsman. He's all over the road. He's tremendous.

Terrific actor. And he's got a temperature of seven degrees. He goes his dong in wild things. Oh, really? Yeah, it's not bad. That's a wild thing. Not bad. He's got a huge sack.

Because you've never been fucked in the ass. That's true. I haven't. You should re-watch it. Neither have I. But I've had a finger up there, but it was medical. I was talking to a comic the other day and he said his girlfriend loves the back door. And I go, oh, that's something he goes, I'm sick of it because she makes me take it too.

What? Yeah. Really? What's good for the goose is good for the asshole. Exactly. Man. Wow. Is he enjoying it?

No. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Pretty wild. Have you ever been pegged? Never been pegged. I dated a pegged.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I leaned. And pegged I leaned? Well, she leaned. Oh, I got you. That's what she said a lot. I think we got a Peggy listening. Well, Peggy O'Leary.

Oh, Peggy. I hope you're still listening. I hope you're still listening. She'll Peggy. Well, I have a close relationship with a wife, but. No, I'm saying she's the type who will really give it to you. Oh, you think so? Oh, yeah.

She's a filly chick. All right. Well, if my wife dies and I want to get pegged, I know who to call. Yeah, call Peg. I don't think my wife would be into Peg. If I was like, I want you to peg me, here's a contraption, really stick it to me. I think she would be like. Nah, I don't see her as the fuck yeah.

I think she would say no and give me Alan's phone number is what she would say. Right, right. You know, it's weird because a lot of the, I think a lot of most women wouldn't want that. I don't know that guy who is into that. No, but I'll tell you, I've watched some strap on porn in my day and there's something hot about the woman doing the thrust, the thrust, yeah, because the tits and she's in power position.

Interesting. Like a woman from behind. I don't want anything in my asshole, but I want a woman to just be like, yes, you like a powerful lady. I do. That's my thing. I want to, I want to sit in the front row and she's on the high stage wearing boots and every once in a while she kicks me and knocks my glasses off and sticks them in her

ass and makes me put them back on. Like that photographer in Queens of the Stone Age. Yeah, that was something. Yeah, but yet your lady is very, I don't want to say meek, but she's soft spoken. She's a soft spoken person, but she's on stage, you know, and she's very, she's very strong and independent and very funny. So I can watch her on stage just, you know, killing. Right, right.

And so it's, and she's older, which is also part of the same thing. Older than me, I mean. Yes. Yes. Very sexy. Interesting. All right. Well, we're getting somewhere here.

Yeah, we're really getting somewhere. All right. Go ahead. All right. So it was December. I had one more peg thing I wanted to add. Oh, peg me. Here's the thing.

If I was going to get, if I was going to get pegged, I always see these big, I'd have to be like a little pencil thing. Oh, give me a golf pencil. She's getting out of the shot, maybe. It was splintery. Let's play two. No lead. Yeah.

But like, what was that? I'm taking a cart. I put my ear up to the microphone as though that was going to, but it would have to be like a little, you know, a little pencil thin mustache of a dildo. That's what he would have. I don't want this big black don in my asshole. No. I got to take dumps for God's sake.

It's got to be a little, maybe like a lipstick tube. Yeah. Not like a red asshole. Well, who doesn't? All right. So tell me about your day there. Yes. So I had a wild, listen to this comedy day I had.

All right, I will. So I did this December 20th. It was like gearing up to the Christmas vacay. I did Jim and Sam in the morning. So that's like 8 a.m. out the door on Sirius. It was the last one of the year. So it was me, Voss, and Kumiya just yucking it up. Oh, fun.

It was a great time. Then I left there and went straight to Penn Station, got picked up by a woman named Peg. Really? Fun fact. And I'm doing a web series called Comedians on a Different Plane, which is basically a ripoff of Comedians and Cars Getting Coffee. This guy has a jet. He flies jets out of Long Island.

Wow. He loves comedy. He saw me at Gotham. We flew to Pepe's in Connecticut and had lunch. New Haven. New Haven. It took 15 minutes to get to New Haven. No kidding.

So we go to Long Island. He flies me out. We do the whole thing. He's GoProed on the plane. He let me hold the yoke. I was flying that puppy. I was going left and right. The yoke.

That's what you call the stick. Oh, it was a steering wheel. No, no, it's a yoke. No kidding. Yes. So we're up there. We're flying. We're talking.

You know, it's all the shit Jerry does, but it's in a plane. Right. And you go to Pepe's. You have a great meal. We're taught you got the guy filming his eating at Pepe's. That was great. We fly back. I got home at like, you know, three.

Wow. Unbelievable. Is there another comedian or just you? It's the driver. He just loves comedy. So that's a little different than Jerry. I guess so, yeah. So it's a comedian and a guy, like a journalist-y guy.

Yeah. He's just a pilot who's bored with his pilot life and he loves comedy. And that's how he's trying to start something. Wow. That's exciting. Pretty cool. He's an entrepreneur. Thank you.

So then I get back home, do some writing, go to a show, haul ass out of the show and go do the Legion of Skanks podcast. And we just had a great one. It was one of those magical pods. It was a killer. Then I went to Alan and I realized, you know, we've been talking, blah, blah, blah. Next day I go to Alan and I want to make some changes in my life. Oh, please.

I call up Ari and I go, hey, Ari, what do you say you let me buy you dinner? We go see the new Legion of Skanks gas digital studio and just hang out all night and he goes, great. That could be a change. So we did Pokey. We ate Pokey. Pokey. You ever had Pokey?

No. Pokemon or is that different? It's Asian. Okay. It's like a bowl of bullshit and like snow peas. You would hate it. It's totally off the table for you. Yeah.

It doesn't sound like something I'm into. We actually talked about how you're a, what is it, pinchy, what do you call that? Pinchy eater. Pinchy. No, I think. Picky. Yeah. Yes.

I pick the foods I wish to eat. Yes. Is it picky? I think it's picky. Picky in the brain. I guess so. Yeah. Picky.

All right. So, yeah, we talked all about bullshit and then Ari, we're walking down the street all night just talking, talking as you do with Ari and he whips out a microphone and he's doing one of these end of the year, you know, recap, what's your resolution bullshit? He does one of all these comics. Yeah. So, he whips out this microphone and we're just talking, bullshitting while walking down Third Avenue and he's like seven guys are coming toward big motherfuckers, like drunk

guys, like football player type older guys. Any group of men, race or age, I'm terrified. All mixed race, big guy, like blazer shirt open, you know, like wobbling down the street and they see the microphones. Oh boy. So, you know, they get all, what are you guys doing, a headlock, you know, beer breath, they're all, they're all like Christmas party or something and I think they were all cops because they had their big annual whatever and it was right by the police station.

All right. Off duty cops are a tricky bunch. So, if you're listening to this folks, go listen to Ari's thing because they all get on the mic and they go, look at these, what do you guys record, a little movie show, radio time. And it was like, holy shit, it was quite jarring. Oh boy, it sounds jarring to listen to. Yes.

Now, this is the crazy part. Hit me with it. I had a great day, whatever, great night, we do shows, get home, I go to bed with the lady, we're sleeping in bed, I wake up, my head is throbbing. Uh oh. I didn't drink or anything. Throbbing head, like, I never have headaches, pretty carefree guy, wake up and I'm like, what the fuck?

And I go in the mirror, I go in the bathroom, flip the light on, I got a red line about an inch and a half long between my eyebrows, right there, vertical line, right over the nose. Boy, what are you gonna assassin after you? It looked like stigmata. Geez. So my first thought is just, what is that, lipstick or what is that, did I hit my head while I slept?

Is that a, what? And it doesn't hurt, I'm just tapping it, nothing, no pain, no gain, like what the fuck is this? I Google it, it happens to people, you can just wake up, it's like a stress thing, it's a, I don't know what, a blood vessel pops. Geez. But it looks like a biblical. Wow.

It was wild, I'd show the lady, she's like, gee, this is crazy, we Google it, I thought I was gonna die, I don't know what the hell's going on. It's a thin red line. It's a thin red line. Boy. Yes, decent movie. Yeah, it's not bad. Yeah.

So. That was Terrence Malick. He took 20 years off, did you know that? Is that right? He made two movies, took 20 years off and then came back. HIV? No, I think he just went away. Where'd he get the cash?

Where'd he go to Thailand? He's one of these guys, he said, hey, I'm out. He went and wrote and edited it and shit. Wow. He didn't direct a movie for 20 years. Oh man. It would be pretentious if you asked me his films. So the wife works at, by the wife, jeez, the lady works at LinkedIn.

So she hates her job, the whole thing, so then she got off. The first day she has off is this day with the stigmata. So I planned this amazing day. First, we go see Meteor Shower. I got free tickets from Schumer. What's that? That's her Broadway show. Oh wow.

Unbelievable. Steve Martin. He wrote it, it's joke, a minute, it's, you know, you go to Broadway like it's a comedy, it'll be a Broadway comedy. How funny could it be? Kill her. Yeah, Broadway comedy club, not good. Not a good club, not a good street, but it was funny.

She's great in it. Keegan-Michael Key kills it. It's for people the whole show and it's killer. Wow. Really smart, really like Roxanne, that same kind of humor, you know. Roxanne. Turn on the red light. So it was great.

Red line. Thin. So we leave there and I go, let's get lunch, then we're going to go to the Rangers game. Oh fun. She goes, you got tickets and I go, we're going to scalp them. Nice. That was a New York moment. So we eat lunch, we're all excited like, how are we going to do it?

Do we go up to a guide? Do we find a weird black man in a coat? What's the scoop here? So we get there and this is all just, we're going in blind. I've never done this before. Have you ever done this? I did it for years. Yeah.

Now I go to StubHub. Ah. But yeah, that was most of my life was going to these guys. I got to know them in Boston. I don't know any, I don't know how much money to give, I don't know what's a good prize. I'm clueless. So I just go up and right away you can hit, you can, these guys see you, you're like a sitting duck.

Right. They see you and they just go right to you and this guy goes, 200, 200 bucks, 200 bucks, 100 a pair, 100 a pair, Rangers, good seats, good seats. And I go, let me see the tickets. And he pulls out like a printed out thing. Ah. And I'm like, ah, and he goes, here's what I'll do. There's a lot of guys shiced in you out here.

I'll let her go in with the ticket, scan it, come back out. You can see they're real. And I go, oh, that's not bad, but I didn't want to go with the first guy. No, no. It felt too quick. Yes. So I go, let me go to the ATM. So he goes, ATM's right there.

I go, ah, fuck. So now he's watching me at the ATM, even though I got a lot of cash. This is what they do. They're real, they really can be aggressive. Persistent. It's brutal. It feels like you're in Calcutta, you know? They're at work.

They're making their living here. They're working and it's drizzling out and it's dark. It's snowy and all that. It's brutal. So I just kind of shuck and jive like somebody else starts talking to them. So I run around the corner. This other guy sees me, little guy in like a douchey outfit, a lot of jewelry. And he goes, I saw that guy.

I'll go 175. 175. And I go, ah, I can't do it. And I'm really working these guys. And it's very awkward. I don't know. You try to haggling with these people. It's brutal.

You got to just keep walking away. That's the key. Yeah. So I kept walking away, kept walking away. And I finally go, he goes, what do you want to spend? I go, well, I want to spend 50 bucks. And he goes, that's crazy. They got mad at you.

They got me mad. Yeah, yeah. So then I go, all right, I'll give you 150. No, I said I'll give you 130 for the pair. But let me see the tickets. And he whips out the tickets. They look good. Ticketmaster logo, barcode, the whole thing.

And I go, great. Here you go. And he runs off. And I go, ah, I felt cool. Yeah, feels exciting. Yeah, water cash, weird black guy, the whole thing, drizzle. So I go in. We're feeling good.

We do the metal detector. Everybody's high-fiving. Rangers gear everywhere. The music's playing. You can hear the cheering. And we get right up to the door. The guy scans it. You got bad tickets, folks.

Oh, my God. Jesus. You're a victim. I'm a victim. Oh, man. So what's the score there? Did I do something illegal? Can I report him or am I just as guilty?

Well, scalping is illegal. You're also doing something illegal. I'm going to comp. Yes. So I go out and I'm going to find this fucking guy. What am I going to do? He's gone. As soon as he makes that sale, he's out.

Oh, shit. Sorry. I don't know what happened there. What the fuck is that? A podcast game. What are you doing? I don't know. I kid something.

Is that the song you listened to? Oh, thank God. I thought that was your music. That was a death medal. Was that to end a relationship there? That was a little pantera. So I go out there. He's drizzling.

I'm like, you know, I'm looking left to right. I can't find the guy. Is that him? Is that him? I'm profiling people. And she's just going, screw it. We got rooked. It's over.

We got bamboozled. We got hoodwinked. Let's get the hell out of here. And I go, I can't. I got to find him. She's like, what are you going to do if you find him? Punch him out. I'm like, I don't know.

I can talk to him, reason with him. I'm like, I just played. Good movie. I just settle it up and walk away. Oh, jeez. Walk through the wetness and just walk across 7th Avenue hating myself. I'm the chump white guy. You know, I felt so stupid.

I felt so defeated. Yeah, but you don't hear anything happening that much anymore. I'm not an idiot. I'm like a old school victim. I'm a chump. Oh, it killed me. So then the night had a real. Morale was low, folks.

Sam? Yes, Sam Morale. Ironically, not low. He's very tall. Yes, he is. So what do you think? 6'3"? I think he's taller than I am.

Maybe a half an inch. Yeah. I'm about 6'2", and change, which is fun to say. I have to admit. I like when I go, you can say a book 20. Yeah, that's fun. That's a good time. You hate the soaking wet.

I don't like the soaking wet. What is that soaking wet? What's wrong with soaking wet? It just feels like extra. It's been done and we've heard it. We've heard it all and it's like soaking wet. Like it's like, what did you just say the weight he is? So what is he not soaking wet?

And how much is the water way? Right. And why is he wet? It's all water weight. Hello. We combined the two movies, Dark Fire and Sad Felt. So the morale is low. We go home.

We have a sad fuck. I can barely get it up. I'm so emasculated by this. Oh, Jesus. Come face. Nothing worse than a sad fuck. A sad bang. That's how I was conceived.

You ever have a fuck where you're just like, you want to just call it quits? Try to get another day. That was my virginity. So we go back and we have a nice dinner at an Italian joint. You know, I'm trying to get over it. I'm doing the thing where I'm faking it. Like, ah, it's fine. What are you going to do?

But inside, I'm steaming. Well, wasted money sucks. You just threw away money. Threw away money. And not only that, I got tricked. But you know what you're going to try to do is this was happened when we got robbed in Miami. Yes. You got to just say, they need it.

They're poor. This is how they have to live their life. They have to just hope that some asshole, some fucking moron just hands them their money. They got to just pray on really dumb people. Yeah. You know? That's their whole life. I know.

I know. And I just kept picturing him like riding the train back to Brooklyn, counting it like, ah, mother fuck, dumb mother. I'll get another one tomorrow. Like, ah, get out of that guy. Yeah. He's underlit going, ah. Exactly.

Yeah. Yeah. And he goes back home to his plus-sives wife and throws the money in her face. Yeah. He bought a 40 and, you know. Right. But, you know, you got to let it go. So I'm sitting at dinner with the lady.

You know, whatever. We're having a great time. And I get a text and it says, hey, you don't know me. I got your number from some other guy. Oh, geez. You want to come do a show way uptown. I'll give you 60 bucks for 15 minutes. That's not bad.

And I go, that's pretty good. I can make some money back. That's a portion. That's a chunk. It's a chunk of change. A piece. Yes. So I go, what do you think about this?

To the lady, she goes, yeah, well, what's the scoop? I mean, I don't want to spend all night at a show. I go, that's a good point. So I text the guy, I go, it's about nine. I go, what time does the show start? He goes, 10. I go, can I go on at 1040? If I go on at 1040, I'll do it.

He goes, no problem at all. And I go, you got to hand me the money first. Because I'm on edge. I got screwed. Yeah. So he goes, yeah, no problem. Take it easy. I was like, oh yeah, sorry.

What if this is the same guy, the same scalper? Oh my God. If he knew you, he recognized you, looked you for the ticket and then said, hey, I got a show. I can get you 60 bucks. I get up there and he just robs me. So I go up there and we get there a little early. We get there like 10, 15.

It was the underground lounge. Oh, I love that room. It's a good room, but not tonight. Uh-oh. So we go up a little early. So I go, let me show you the Seinfeld diner. Uh-huh. So we go to Tom's restaurant.

We look in. It's fun. Then we go to a bar to kill time. I go, let's get half a beer in here. Well, you know, because I don't want to go there and chat with everybody. So we go to this bar. She goes to the bathroom. I walk up to the bar.

These three gals at the bar go, are you Mark Norman? I'm talking, I'm on 108 or something and Broadway way up there. And I go, well, indeed I am. And they go, we're huge Tuesdays. No kidding. Three chicks, like Columbia chicks. Wow. Yes.

That's amazing. Unbelievable. I was like, whoa. We're done. We're cooking, baby. All right. Thanks, ladies. Yes.

Thank you. Praise Allah. We love you. So I go, hey, how about that? I get my beer. The guy, the bartender. I'm gushing here. The bartender goes, where are you from?

I go to New Orleans. He goes, me too. Drinks are on me. Oh my God. Now we're back. The night is turning. 60 bucks plus a round of drinks. I mean, that's, we're getting close to the ticket price.

And an ego boost, mind you. Do you have this though? Because even when you start to like make up for money you lost. You still go, but I'd still have that more money. Of course. That's my whole life. That's all I do. So we sit down.

We have the beer. We have the beer. Then I go, all right. We better go over there. It's like 1030. We walk over there. We get there at like 1032. It's the saddest show on the planet.

There's eight people. None of them speak English. One guy's in a wheelchair. There's like, it's weird. They have no audience. They have like four people in the audience and they have hired a photographer. There's a guy going around with a fucking eight inch zoom getting in your face and shit. You're like, there's no one here.

What are you doing? The nice about performing arts photography is you can frame it so you can't tell there's no audience. That's true. You get a photo of a guy with his leg up on the monitor soloing. It's like, oh, he's ripping it. Yeah. They don't pan back and see that there's, you know, his mother's sitting in the audience.

Yes. No pan. So I get there and there's the host guy. He finds you. He goes, hey, how are you doing? Thanks for coming. All right. And it's like 1032.

And I go, I'm on next, right? And he goes, well, we got a guy on before you, then you. And I go, eh. All right. So they put this guy on. He tanks it. And then he does the thing. I don't want to, if this guy's a listener, I don't want to get them in hot water here,

but he's doing that thing where he's bombing and then somebody in the crowd starts chatting to themselves, to each other like whispering. And he goes, well, what are you guys talking about? What's your deal? And it's this old guy. It's an old black guy and a young white guy. It's clear they're fucking, but they don't know any, they want, they don't want anybody to know they're fucking.

Uh-huh. They're on the outs. What do you call that? They're down low. They're on the DL. And I've been there before. I've fucked old black guys. Yes.

So, uh- Cut that out, Shelby. The black guy was like, no, don't worry about it. Sorry. He was super nice about it. He's like, I'm sorry. Don't mind us. And he's like, nah, you're going to talk through my set.

I want to know what it's about. Well, he's like, what's your deal? What are you guys, what are you doing together? And the black guy was like, no, don't worry about it. It was the saddest sight ever. That's a dangerous game to play too with a comic because sometimes you do that and you go, what are you guys talking about? And then you set yourself up for that.

We're talking about how much you blow. I've seen that happen. And it's an age old mistake. Yeah. And you can't blame them because they, hey, you want to come at me? I'll come at you. Yeah. They're like, well, this is what I am talking about.

Yes. We're talking about how you should quit. Yeah. So, uh, that got super weird. Then the host comes back up and he goes, Mark Norman. I go, all right. Here we go. And I did pretty well.

It went okay. And it was fun for the lady to see. Like, it had fun to kill in front of the lady. Yeah. Well, my lady doesn't come into the room anymore, but, uh- Yeah, yeah. Well, she really does either, but it was fun to do that. And then we got the fuck out of there.

And I grabbed that 60 and got the hell out of there and it, it was okay. Um, so, you know, now I'm, uh, I'm down one, no, I'm down 80. Uh-huh. Is it 80? 90. I can't remember the amount. 70. I'm down 70 still.

Okay. But hey, you live, you learn, and we got a fun little shitty New York story out of it. Not bad. I guess. Did you have a, did you have a happier fuck later? Yes, we did. A two in a day fuck. Oh, we'll fuck.

That's not bad. That's a pounding. We have a hard time getting a double day fuck. Even if it's spread? Spread. Well, New Year's Eve, we got a night. Oh, this is getting too personal here now, but, uh, we had a double, a double New Year's because New Year's is like a thing, you know.

Yes, a holiday fuck. The first fuck of 2018. You got to get it in there. You got to do it. Boy. So yeah, what, what'd you do for the, uh, Christ Mass? Christ Mass. Oh, I went home, uh, where the heart is, and I went, first I went to the Vermont Comedy

Club. Oh, good club, good town. Burlington and what a, what a beautiful area town. And it was like picturesque. There was like this fluffy snow falling. Love the fluffy. Not the comedian. A nice flurry of fluff way up there in Burlington.

And it was nice because the week before I had done, um, we talked about it extensively. No. Uh, Molly. What was the club? Zany's in Rosemont, which is nowhere to go. You're out in the middle of the highway. But this is like New England. It's a 35 minute flight and that club is great.

Great club. And they're really nice. Natalie and Nathan, they were sweet as pies. There's good vibes coming out of that city. Yeah. It's a great city. Well, it's very removed from the States. It feels, it's very, it's kind of a hippie town.

It's very gay. You got Ben and Jerry up there and Bernie. Yes. And a lot of just good people and it's green and there's a lot of snow in the, the Lake Champlain. And I got great memories up there. Champlain Supernova. And, uh, so it was really, uh, it was really a great weekend, but it was light because

there was a huge snowstorm and it's Christmas weekend. Woo. But I kind of love those comedy weekends where like nothing's really expected. We were like, Hey, it's Christmas is in two days and it's a snowstorm. Sure. So like everyone gets this is going to be light. And I love a light crowd. I've said it before and I'll say it to many times again, my ideal show would be 40 people

paying 300 bucks. What? Because you're, I mean, it's not, it's a fantasy. Sure. It's like performing for 40 people. Interesting. 300 people. There's a drunk over there.

It's hard to get their attention. They're looking at their phone. Like, but 40, if one guy's talking, you can go, Hey, Pete, quiet down over there. Everyone sees each other. It feels more intimate. Yeah. You go name tags. Those are all the best shows to me.

Right. But you've got to make a living. So my mind, they're all paying 300 bucks and that's a nice 1200 bucks or something. 12,000 bucks. What? Yeah. I can't do that. What's 40 times 300.

20,000. Yeah. Yeah. I think you might have something there. Yeah. I think it's 12,000. Shelby's agreeing. He's on heroin.

Yeah. I got it. Look at that. All right. That felt good. 12 G's. So anyways, that's my career goal. If anyone out there is willing to pay 300 bucks to watch me do comedy.

And you got 39 friends. It's going to be tough. Yeah. But anyway, so it was a nice light crowd. Then Saturday, how about this? This is like a dream road situation. Yes. They call me up in the middle of the day.

I went out to get like some pasta to go and bring it back to the hotel. I'm watching college football. I'm spinning my noodles, eating my meatballs. They call up and they go, hey, we're going to make the two shows into one show since it's so light. Ugh. It's good. But it's a bittersweet.

But now I got one packed show. Yeah. It's at 7 p.m. I'm done at 8.25. Same money. Saturday night. Yeah. He's like, we'll pay you the same, of course.

Great. I'm done at 8.25. My parents drove all the way up in a fucking blizzard. Wow. I just threw it out there because I flew to, because it's Christmas, so travel, they really fucking gouge you at these places. Brutal. Sarah paid 800 bucks to go to Texas.

Oh. We're going to Paris for 700. Ah. 800 to go to Texas. Unreal. Even on like the kayak and the skip lag and the fucking mother. Paris, Texas? Paris Hilton.

Ah. Boy, I was always really into her. I'm down with her too. She gets a bad anal. I liked her personality too. She was just rich and having fun. I guess so. She's a piece of shit.

She inherited money and she's having a good time. Who gives a shit? I thought she was hot. Super hot. You watched the sex tape? I did. Ditto. Really?

Ditto. Really something. Yeah. Well, it's hot when you have some connection with the person. You know her? Well, you know of her. You see her out and about. Sure.

Like a porn star, they're just some porn person. I'm like, I feel terrible. Artie Lang is a great, not a great story, but he talked about being on Letterman with her and he said she's just oozes sex. Like he was in the green room with her and everything about her is just like, because she's dumb. So, and you just see this hot entity, there's nothing, it just oozes sex and that's all she is.

Right. You know, like he's like, so what are you up to? She's like, I don't know. Maybe I'll bubble bath later. Like that's what she talks. She's like, this is crazy. Geez. I never get into bubble baths.

I don't get it either, but if you want to do one, great. Yeah. But anyways, so they made the two shows into the one and then I'm like, great, I just have one show. My parents were driving. Oh, that's what I was talking about. So I was flying to Burlington. I got the one way flight and I was at home for Thanksgiving when I booked the flight

and they said, why don't you guys come up? Well, hang out. And then you can just, I'll just drive back with you on Christmas Eve. Bada bing, bada boom. Sunday was Christmas Eve. So they say, great. But now the snows are coming. It's like a big blizzard.

Oh yeah. Mountains, the whole thing. And it's like a five hour drive from my parents' house to Burlington. Is that it? Well, it's more like four hours, but the snow and all this stuff is going to be more. But it ends up being like real bad. Snow, rain, sleep, the whole thing. They still showed up.

They still came. Well, I didn't have another option. I called. I was like, I'm looking at flights because I don't want you guys to die on the highway. Yeah, yeah. Because they would have died on Christmas Eve Eve coming to get me. I would have to live with that. Yeah.

Oh my, that's a headline. And of course, they'd be dead also. Sure. But anyway, so I'm like, I don't know what to do. I'm like, I'm looking at flights, but there are no flights from Burlington to Boston. They can't, it doesn't exist. Is that, why is that? I think it's too close.

Too close. So you got to fly from Burlington to LaGuardia, which is 10 minutes from my house. So I'm like, Hey, if I'm flying to LaGuardia, I'm going home. I'm going to miss Christmas. I'm not going to get on a plane back to Boston, which is another 45 minutes from my parents' house. Sure. So I'll have to fly three hours, 500 bucks, land 10 minutes from my house, and then get

45 minutes from my house. Got it. So I said, this is the only option. So you're going to have to get here. So I ended up taking on like seven hours to get up there. They got up there just in time for the show. It's poor smallmouth family. They're all stressed, but I bought them some IPA, highfalutin beer, which is not cheap.

No, it is not. Was it weird buying it? Not really. It was fun. I had to be like, I was like an old man. I was like, you got to tell me about beer. I don't know anything about beer. I haven't drank in nine years.

Wow. I celebrated five years sobriety during this period of time. So fun to be sober buying your parents' beer at the tables of turn. It's really fascinating. And then I was like, I don't know anything about anything. I'm old and I haven't drank since 1985. Sure. So I got them the beer, put a big bow on it, and they showed up.

They made it in time. Fun show. We went out to dinner afterwards. We got pizza and beer. Great. You guys did like a moving furniture date. Yeah, it was sweet. And we woke up early the next morning, went home, Christmas Eve, Christmas, the whole

thing. It's fun. It really is good to give gifts. It's great to give. It feels good. I got my parents' Netflix. I got them like $100 because I got the Netflix special coming out. They're addicted.

They're binge watching the whole thing. This Netflix is great. So it's very exciting. Good for you. Keep an eye out for the special and all that shit. So that was pretty good. Sorry. No, no, go ahead.

I went to town on gifts. I supposed to spend $800 on gifts. Yeah, that's the thing. It really adds up. It adds up and you got a lot of people you know. That's why it's great that friends, we don't need to do that. No, no, you can't do it. Well, it's weird because it ends up being an even exchange.

Yes. You're like, I'll get you a $25 Starbucks. I'll get you a $25 Chipotle. And then you're like, well, we're just back to even again. Keep the money. Yeah. I had a friend show up with a drone once. I kicked him in the dick.

Oh, drone. What do I do with a drone? Who needs it? Now I got a chore. So yeah, that's great. I went to the ladies on Christmas Eve. Yeah. It was a real humdinger.

Sandwich, Massachusetts. Cape Cod, folks. Yeah, we were right down the street from each other. That's weird. I know we were always on the same train coming back. Oh, that would have been something. That was something. How about that?

I texted him. I'm on an Amtrak. You're like, I'm on an Amtrak. Yes. It was a moment of really feeling like something. This could be it, folks. But it wasn't. You should have hit me up.

You're driving from Boston, New York. For Christmas. I forgot you were there. I lived there. See, isn't it weird too that your parents are willing to drive seven hours through the powdery, white snow, but yet you still have a weird disconnect with your father? Yeah. Well.

I have the same thing. They're willing that they would die for us, but there's not, you need the, you need the shit in the middle, not the shit on the outside, if that makes sense. Yeah, it's all right. Well, I mean, you can physically be there, but not emotionally. Exactly. You know, it's a strange situation. I just came from therapy, so I'm a little gay right now.

I don't want to get you a topsy-turvy. And tear-droppy, but yeah, it's very odd. I got to give a hot, crazy shout out here. Please. Carl in Vermont. We all know Carl. Good egg. Superfan.

Carl with a K. He's a superfan. He comes to Montreal. He comes to Berlin. He's a Vermonter. Real New Englander. Gives me a Christmas, I mean, a wedding card with money in it. Cash? Cash money.

I mean, Carl, you're too kind, and my God, God bless you, you came to two shows. Oh! You're the dick, you old son of a gun. I'm not gonna. I'm sorry. You're not gonna. Cash with a K. Carl with a C. Reverse, I mean. Yes.

But, boy, thanks so much, buddy. And that went straight to Christmas. I took it the next day. I went out and shopped for everybody. Oh, yeah. You will turn over some cash. Well, I'm not good with money. I did this same thing last night.

I went to the Islander Bruins game. Bruins are in town. Uh-huh. I brought Canada to the game, and I've done this four times. I'm such an idiot. I do a thing where it's an addiction. This happened to me four different times. Pearl Jam, USC, the Clippers, now the Islander Bruins game, where I get addicted to looking

for tickets and picking the right seats. Interesting. Gonna do it on StubHub, by the way. And I go through, and I'm like, this seat, that's, I buy it. And then, like, three days later, I hit a bonus at Dr. Gray. I have extra money. I come into money, and then I'm like, I'm gonna get better ticket. I'll upgrade.

I'll try to sell the other ones. Oh, geez. The other ones don't sell, so I have four tickets to an event. Oh! It's happened to me four times now. I'll stand on the corner and sell tickets to my dumbass. I know. I should have thought of that.

I try to put them back on StubHub, because it feels like this will be a good way to sell tickets back. Let it ride. But the problem with that is, if no one buys them, you don't have a physical, like if you have physical tickets in your hand, the scalp will be like, I'll give you 10 bucks for the pair, and you go, there you go, and you get something back. So what do I do next time? Do I look for you out there?

You go to StubHub. I guess so. StubHub. Or you go to, you know, Aces. All these ticket agencies are on there. And are they wildly cheaper, or is it just kind of like a few bucks shaped? Well, it's legal, and you know what you're getting. You're not going up there with a, you know, a McDonald's napkin that says hockey on it.

You know what I mean? It's a real ticket. Yeah. All right. All right. The golden ticket. And then if you keep waiting, the prices keep dropping and all that business. Yeah.

Damn. God, I got fucking bamboozled. You got rook, buddy. Yeah. I got hoodwinked. All right. So how about this? This, I got to get off my dick.

All right. Take it off. I got some stuff. All right. Good. Dr. Steve. Well, I go back, you know, have a nice, you know, Christmas goose, the whole thing with the lady and all that good stuff.

We did a puzzle, which is very nice. I love doing a puzzle. Underrated activity. Last year, I got Sarah a puzzle for Christmas. Is that right? Yeah. It's a kill bill. That was the pick?

Yeah. It was a poster. She's a fan. She's a big kill bill fan. You do a puzzle. It's very exciting. Strong female lead. So.

Tarantino. You put the phone away. You turn. You get the, you get the football in the background, puzzle on the table. It's a great, I had a beer in my hand and eggnog was great. It feels very kitschy. Yes. Warm.

So it's also fun being with the girlfriend's family because you get to be the funny guy. Yeah. Not, you don't want to be forced funny. Tell me a joke, dickless. Yeah. But you get to be funny naturally. So that's fun. And nice people sweep you away better than my family.

They're all normal and they're, they're weird in their own way, but every family is weird, but they're better than mine. Yeah. Well, also you're a little removed. Yeah. I love to move. If you're, if you're there annoying or wacky, you're like, oh, that's strange. And then you leave.

Yeah. If your family, you're like, who am I? What am I? How is this? How am I related to these people? What, how, when did I come from? What the fuck? I know I'm not going to be you.

Am I you? Are you in me? Blow me? It sucks. So that's fun. You get to show off for a minute, whatever. You get to be very nice and hug the old ladies and kiss them on the cheek. Then I got back on a train to go to New York city.

I run into my old pal, Chris Scanlon, who was, he was like, you know, he's a Schumer's old tour manager. Now he's Beau Burnham's tour manager. Oh, wow. He's really working the system and he's Jim Jeffery's tour manager. That's a nice career. Yeah. He's doing it.

Good egg. We hit the train. We're waiting for the train staring at the big board at the south station, you know, the big number. That's fun. It feels romantic. It is. Yeah.

And the snow is coming down. Our train is catching up, but our train is delayed, delayed 10 minutes, 20 minutes, 30 minutes. I saw that. Yes. Yes. I was traveling the same day. I believe it was a three o'clock train.

We didn't get on until 3.40, something like that. And now we talked the whole time, which was nice, but now we have that moment where we're walking in the train going, are we going to sit together? Oh, I hate that. Or are we going to split? And if you split, how do you do it cordially? Yes. So that was awkward.

This is where you get to assert. You got to say, hey, listen, I got some thoughts and I got some porn. I got to sit by myself over here. I threw this one out there, which I thought would be good, but it wasn't good enough. I go, uh, I'm going to take a real nap on this puppy and I'm saying, I got to go to bed. I'm gay. I'm going to sleep.

And he goes, oh, yeah, yeah, go to sleep. But we got on the train and luckily there were so many people that you couldn't sit together. Right. So we had to disperse. That's a nice feeling. There's nothing worse than you say, I want to sleep. And the guy's like, no problem.

Now you're sleeping with your mouth open and he's looking in your tonsils. Say exactly. So, uh, I got my own seat. I'm sitting on the train and this lady sits next to me, German broad, like, like Mrs. Doubtfire cunt, you know, real bag lady, big tits, floppy hat, curly hair, glasses, weird vibes. She was like, hello. How are you?

You know, like a big old, what do you call it, like a strudel bitch. What's that thing? October fest twat. Oh, are you a Nazi? No, I wouldn't go that far. But she's like an old nanny from a story book. Okay. Like a mother goose skank.

A mother boots. Got it. Yeah. Mother boots. So she comes on and she's got this little fat kid with her. He must have been 10. He was like the fat kid from a league of their own. Uh-huh.

That's exactly what I thought of. Still well. He got a little propeller hat, a fat gut, suspenders, shorts, annoying. And then his dad is with him. I think she's a nanny or a grandma. She's, she's related to them somehow, but not related because she kept being like, your son's doing this, your son's doing that. So I don't know.

Maybe a ant or a fuck buddy, whatever it was. So the kid is the most annoying kid. I mean, it's like comical. It's like, if this kid was in a movie, you'd be like, you're overacting. This is too much. Uh-huh. It was way over the top. This kid's running up and down the aisle, slapping people, screaming, yelling.

It was bananas. I hate that. I hate this kid. And he kept doing this classic shit where his dad was checked out. His dad's like, I want to kill you. I've had enough. And his dad was like a real pussy. Like you can tell the kid was walking all over him.

And he's like, I need food. I am hungry. I am the one. The woman's like, you're going to tell you. You're going to take your kid to get some food. He's like, ah. Like dad's just like, I'm done. Blow me.

And the wife or the woman goes, all right, let's go get some food. They come back. The kid's eating a fucking parfait. It's all over his face. I hate this kid. I want to slap him in the ass. Geez. So now he's going, I need to go to the bathroom.

He's like standing on the seat. It was insane. And the woman's like, you're going to take your son to the bathroom. What's going on here? And the dad's like, I'm out. Blow me. And the woman's like, all right, I'll take him. So they go to the bathroom.

They come back and he goes, I need it to poop. And you wouldn't let me poop. And he shits himself in the aisle. Oh my God. Shit in the aisle, folks. He left the bathroom and then shit in the aisle. He came back. It was a weird thing.

The woman came back before he was done and she's like, I can't deal with this kid. He's peeing. He's on his own. And he must have been like, where'd you go? I need help. I got a poo poo. And she left. Oh my God.

And he came back alone and was like, you left me. So I pooed on myself. It's your fault. I mean, this kid was out of a movie. It was like a horror film. Oh my God. It was like the movie, The Toy. I kind of like them though, if they left them and he's mad at them, I'll get the ultimate

revenge. That psycho shit. I'll shit on myself. What are you kidding? I mean, it's a decent commitment, but this kid's got some problems. How old is the kid? What are we talking? I mean, it's hard to say.

I'm not a pedophile anymore. So I can't judge, but I want to say eight. Okay. But he's fat, so he's big. Right, right. But he's got stuck at the parfait on his face, his hair's got a cow lick, his assholes covered in shit. It's a scene, man.

So what happened? Did they take him to the bathroom to shovel him off or whatever? Everybody in the train is going, what the fuck is going on? I'm waiting for some black guy to get up and be like, hey, come here, kid. Discipline him in front of everybody because no one else wants to do it. We're all scared whitey. Black guy left. Yes.

He sold me some bump tickets. So this kid, I couldn't believe it. And eventually the kid goes, what's stopper. Oh, another thing. So the kid goes, call mom. I need some new pants. So the dad goes, all right. All right.

So they call the mom and put on speaker. So the mom's not there. The mom is not there. A nanny or a nanny. Or maybe it's a divorce and that's the new girlfriend. She's a little older. Maybe that's why he's acting up. He's divorced and his dad's fucking an old granny.

You might have some, but this kid is so spoiled. It's like the kid from a Wonka, Goop or whatever his name is. The kid who eats the blueberry, whatever his name was. Maybe they're rich Connecticut people. I think they were. So the mom's going, what's happening, what's happening? And he goes, daddy, it's his funny baby shit myself. We need you.

Come get me. Bring me pants. And she's like, what? Shit. Who? Pants. And the German woman's talking to me like, could you believe this fucking guy? I'm like, hey, leave me out of it.

I'm sitting next to these people. I'm like, I should have sat next to Chris. What am I doing? So it was a whole scene. And then the kid goes, the mom's just going, what's going on? I should have never left with you the kid. The mom flips out on the dad and the dad's going, don't worry about it. Don't worry.

And the kid's yelling over the dad. It was a whole thing. Oh my God. I wanted to kick this kid in the taint. I hated him. This is why you get the excella ticket. I know. You got to get the excella.

That's why you might as well be on a fucking bus. I'm on a bus to the circus. I don't know what this is. So this kid just keeps flipping out and the mom's going, okay, I'll bring you pants. And the kid goes, what stop are we? And the whole train went, eh? Every ear pricked up because we all want to know when the fuck we're going to New York. Hopefully we're getting off before that.

So the mom or the woman, the German lady goes, we're getting off at Seybrook or whatever I get to a German accent. Seybrook. I go, Seybrook. God love you. Holy shit. And the fat guy comes down, the train conductor goes, next stop, Seybrook. And we all go, yeah, the whole train is in unison.

Just cheering. Thank God because Seybrook's not too far. No. You know what I mean? And it is like a rich town. Maybe they're rich, weird, you know, shit your pants people. I think the kid, I think you're right. It's divorced.

The kid's an only child. He's all fucked up. I mean, this kid had some mental to shit yourself to get back at someone is bonkers. That's like kill the school pet crazy. Yeah. So we all just had a unified cheer and you know, they're like, oh Seybrook, whip, whip, doors open. And they got their fat asses up and Garrett got their luggage and got out of there.

We all did a big applause. Oh wow. It was great. It was a great moment. We all loved each other. I look back at Chris. He was 10 rows down. He was a salute.

How was the smell? Did it have time to really get out there and linger? It lingered. It wasn't terrible because he was wearing snow pants for some reason. Oh, that's not bad. So he had that plastic and captured in there. But he had an insulation going in his asshole. But thank God because you could get it was that kid shit smell.

You know, it's like Kool-Aid, sweet tarts and cum. Yes. I don't know what it was, but Jesus Christ. Rotten, rotten shit. Quite a kerfuffle. Boy, oh boy. Yeah, it was something folks. Boy, if you just waited a half hour, we should have been on the train together.

Dude, the whole time I'm texting you, I think if we go back through our text, we can see I'm like, there's a kid out here. It's crazy. Oh man. But you had to be there. You couldn't text it. But yeah, I got back to New York and once again, I did that thing where I'm like, where can I get up?

I texted a friend. I got on that show and I went and judged the Rose Battle. It was so fun. You realize these are your people. You get back to comedians and you're just like, this is my crew. These are my type. And I had a great night and got drunk and cried myself to sleep. Yeah, that's what's hard and a little bit sad.

You're like, I feel so much more connected to these folks. These misfits. Yeah, it's hard. These broken toys. But hey, that's the life we, at least we are in it. We're engulfed in the life we like. It's gaunched. You know what John Hughes said, how you feel about your family is a complicated thing.

Hmm. Home alone. Here, here. See, you want to get back to Allentown. I was talking with him and me and my parents are very disconnected. And it's awkward. I think my mom's trying to reach out more in her old age, but I feel like I'm too far gone.

Yeah, it's hard. So it's awkward and you give a glimpse here and there of like, I love you, but I can't say it. I'm gay. And they're going to die soon, I think. Oh boy. And I'm going to be crushed. Isn't that weird?

What are you going to do now? Call them. I got to call them. Call them up and say, hey. My dad is such a mess. You know my dad's story? I'll tell you later. Yeah, I'll tell you later.

We're running out of time. It's a doozy. Hot doozy. I'll give you a quick, I'll give you the cliffs. Hey, his dad died in a drunk driving accident when he was two. The other guy hit him. Oh wow. So he had no dad growing up and his mom was like a real like loser lady.

She was pretty, but she was dumb and she had no skills. She was like, I got to find a man type guy. So she married this big Italian guy, big racist guy, you know, down in Louisiana. This kid, or this guy had a son who was the same age as my dad, beating the shit out of my dad. He's like, we're not letting this guy into my home. The first day he moved in, he beat the shit out of my dad. Then the dad goes, look, I love you honey, but I cannot support your child.

So this kid is on his own. So he's on his own his whole life. The dad would buy the kid ice cream, but not my dad. And that's fucks with your psyche. So my dad has zero confidence and zero like, you know, will or self worth because he's like, you know, as a child, he was just conditioned to be like, oh, I get nothing. That's who I am. Right.

So I don't know what the point of that was, but it's hard for him to be like, you got to stand up for yourself son and all this shit because he doesn't have that. So he's just, you know, he's not going to be like, I love you because he's like, why would he love me? Right. But that's his problem, not yours. I know. You still need these things.

Allentown. Doesn't matter where he came from. I feel for the guy. I feel for mine, but we need, we have needs. Yes. We're people too. And it's weird to be brought up by these fucked up people, but so is life. So it goes.

Woo. Sorry. I squeezed a lot in at the end there. That's what she said. Peg. Peggy. All right. We got, we got to wrap it up here for God's sake.

So we're going to shut us down. Well, this weekend, as you all know, I'll be at comedy on state in Madison Thursday Friday Saturday. January. You have the best January of all time. And, uh, honey, uh, with, uh, Sarah Tallamash list will be there with me. So come on out to that. We're going to miss go pack.

Joe, that's his old neck of the way, but I think he lives in Cleveland now. Oh, big drop off Joe pack. Yeah. But what are you going to do? He's closer to everybody. But anyways, uh, so that one, uh, come out to Madison and then keep an eye out for the Netflix thing and comedian Joe list is the website. I got my dates up there being Denver with Ari.

Come out to that and then, uh, stress factory, first weekend in February, Super Bowl weekend. Nice. Got to assume the Patriots will be winning their sixth Super Bowl that weekend. It's likely. And, uh, a bunch of other stuff, go to comedian Joe list at Joe list comedy on Instagram and Twitter and, uh, date on the Netflix. No date yet. Still.

Okay. They're very weird with dates. Very strange. And, uh, but I don't know who knows, but it'll be out there. They're very popular and your parents have one, so they'll see it and hit the Patreon. Go to Patreon. We're going to put some, we're going to, 2018, we're going to be having some real bonus shit up there.

So keep an eye out. It's a resolution. Uh, I'll be at the Irvine improv this weekend. It's a big ass room. So please LA is always saying, when are you coming to LA? Come out. I need you to come out. It's a fill in date.

So, uh, Lord knows it would help. And a lot of fun stuff going to be in Ari with Denver, uh, opening for Bert Kreischer at the Wilbur Theater in Beantown in February. Uh, Raleigh, what's that club? Good Nights. Oh yeah. Charlotte Comedy Zone. Uh, Philly Helium, Buffalo Helium, a lot of great clubs coming up.

Check the website, MarkNormanComedy.com, Yellow Chipotle, Come See Us Live, Prezala, tweet at us. We'll see you all in hell. Jizz in your cup of coffee. Love you. Thank you. Thank you.