Tuesdays with Stories! - #228 Remote Piece

Episode Date: January 16, 2018

It's a freezing Tuesdays as Joe recaps his trip to Grand Rapids dealing with crazy audience members, cabbies and other hotel guests while Mark plays Mohegan Sun with Doug Key while battling Kevin Hart fans. Check it out! Sponsored by: Casper (Casper.com/Tuesdays) Mack Weldon (Code: Tuesdays) Become a subscriber to our Patreon for the latest LIVE bonus pod with Michelle Wolf & Ari Shaffir! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download Go on iTunes and give the pod a #5StarLunch review!

This is a Stand Up New York Labs production, providing you podcasts since 2013. Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard.

And then the duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe Less. Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories everybody.

Yeah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. Oh, God! Happy New Year everyone. Now we're well into the New Year. Sorry, we fucked you. What is it today? It's January 48th.

Yeah, well it's... Let me look at the old date. It's the 16th, it looks like, by my calculations. That's legal tender, huh? No, 18, sorry. No, no, but... Boy, it's weird that 16, that was just acceptable. Not that long in our life.

Yeah. You're a 16, you're beautiful, and you're mine. Not in our life, but in our... Parents. Charlie Chaplin married a 14-year-old. And Jerry Lee Lewis is cousin, 13. Cousin. I got a hot cousin, I'll tell you that.

I got a couple cousins, but not interested in marrying them. Kissing cousins. What's that mean? You never heard that? No. You kiss them? I don't know what that means. Get that a look up where you're shell-fishing.

Must mean you kiss them. I think it means you're close... Wait, they're on your mom's side? It's an old term, but it's definitely been debunked. If you know what I mean. No, I don't know what you mean. It's gone the way of the dodo. It's just a little too controversial.

Oh, I see saying kissing cousins. Yeah, but it was legal tender for a while. Have I said that twice? Yeah, I don't know what legal tender means the first time. I thought that meant cash. I think it means cash. But it sounds like it means a woman who's of age. They struggle for the legal tender.

Because she's tender. You know what I mean? Love me do. Love me tender. Strolls the pretender. I'm so bummed. Jackson Brown's coming back to town. I'm out of town for it.

It's in May. I'm in some... Who knows where the fuck? And then this woman named... Not Belinda Carlisle. No. Brandy Carlisle is like my favorite musician these days. What?

She's amazing. We've talked about her before on here. Brandy Blackchick? Brandy Carlisle. Different. Brandy Carlisle. Yeah, and she's here April 4th, April 5th, 6th and 7th, the exact days I'm in Alba Arbor.

It's my birthday. I got a mouthful of marbles over here. Yeah, they feel good. But it feels exciting. But then I gotta miss the whole show. It's such a bummer. Ah, Carlisle. You should cancel.

Send me some Carlisle. I'll Google it. I don't need you to send it. Yeah, Apple Music. Brandy Carlisle. She's amazing. Terrific. Phenomenal.

It makes me emotional and gay and I sweat and I jerk off. The Carlisle Hotel is where Woody Allen does his clarinetting. That's right. Old Bobby Short. I happen to like New York. That's my favorite New York song, I think. Oh, that's a good one. I happen to like this Berg.

Yes. It's really sweet and fun. It's a real fist-pumper, you know? It's heavy. You know? While we're here at this, shall we kiss and cousins? Do they fuck? What does it mean?

What are you talking? Nipples. Looks like it's like from the south where... Ouch. That's where you're from. I know. Like, you're not... You're sort of related but not really by blood.

Like, you've just like known each other for so long. Oh, I see. That it would be like... You could fuck. Where your guys are like basically family, even though you're not technically related. I see. So you can still bang and it's not frowned upon. It's like Royal Tenen Bombs.

Yeah, like if you've known somebody for like 20 years... Uh-huh. That'd be kind of weird, you know? Yeah, yeah, you've known since you were kids. You ever do that thing where they, you know, you're hanging out with a friend and he goes, ah, it's my uncle Charlie. And you go, oh, is that your mom's brother? And I go, nah, we just call him Uncle Charlie.

And I hold everyone in my family that we call him Uncle. Oh, really? Yeah. It's all Uncle Greg and Uncle, you know, Bob. Say Uncle. Yeah, we always do. That's a big thing. I guess it's a northeasty thing.

Maybe. Because to me it was an uncle or not an uncle. What's interesting about this place, the cellar is similar where people, they know who you are but they don't introduce... You never get introduced so people go, hey, Joe List. And I'm like, ah, who the fuck is that guy? Oh, somebody windowed you? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They said hello while I was waiting to shit. No idea. No idea. Interesting. You know, I went to a New Year's party and I got a lot of glares. And I think you were like, you're not going to say hi to me? But I don't know who it was. Yeah.

And I think they knew me and maybe I'd met them but it was all cat's meow. Well, let's talk about New Year's. I fucking hate New Year's. Yeah, you hate it. I'm done with New Year's. I've worked 17 consecutive years on New Year's Eve. 17? 17?

Almost my entire adult life since I was 20. I've been working on New Year's Eve. Comedy? Comedy. Well, you've been in 17. I've been in 19 almost. 18? I didn't know this.

I did it while I started when I was 18. I've worked when I was 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35. You should be much further along. Well, I got a Netflix special coming out very soon. And I've dabbled in some private jet setting. That's true. I've been on TV quite a bit. Yes.

But anyways, I just hate it and I'm done with it. Because I've had some success now, a little bit of money. And I used to always say, you remember me saying, my career goal is to be able to take New Year's Eve off. And I have reached the goal. I was at Dr. Grant's Great Club. I love it. I love all my. I've spent three New Year's in Michigan.

Isn't that interesting? That is odd. It sounds like a song. Joey's in a novi way back when the day. Livonia I met. Novi was where Wise Guys was. Livonia is where Joey's was. Is that where the guy put a gun on you?

No. Oh, he pulled out a gun. Pulled out a gun. He had a gun. Yeah, he had a gun. He offered us prostitutes. Whoa. Showed us a gun when we got there.

That's quite a gig. It was called Wise Guys and the guy had a gun. It was fascinating. What was the scenario? We just went and met him in the dab. I'm kind of nervous telling the story. Oh, that club's up and rolled on. It's gone.

But he was just like, yeah, if there's any hecklers, he was doing us a bit. But he had a handgun. What? I was like, Jesus. But Michigan, you can just have guns. Is that right? That's a gun state. Yeah.

Gun state? Or open carry? I think it's concealed carry. Open container. Yeah. Well, there's open carry states and there's concealed. Arizona and Texas are an open carry. You can just have a gun on your hip.

That's right. Yeah. I saw a lot of guns in Phoenix. Yeah. But anyway, so the guy had a gun at Wise Guys. But then I did Joey's and Livonia back. And I think that was, I'll remember it. It was New Year's Eve 09 going into 010 or 2010.

And that was when I got a noise complaint twice by myself. Shooting the gun. Because I came back from the, that was Wise Guys. I came back and I bought SpaghettiOs in a can. And then I couldn't figure out how to open it. I was so drunk. And I took a pen and preferrated it. I kept hitting the thing, preferrated it.

And then I banged it open with a fucking wooden coat hanger. And they were like, there's banging in here. Are you hammering? Was it going everywhere? No, not really. Because it couldn't, it didn't open until I kept banging the top of it. And eventually it ripped through. Whoa.

So it was like, it was kind of ingenious. I feel pretty brilliant, honestly. I can't believe you got it any. Like a monkey with a stick. Yeah, I got a photo of it somewhere. I just had lines of pepsis and beers, Domino's. And like a bashed open spaghetti can. So I love, SpaghettiOs are so good.

They're delicious. Because they have the cheese in the noodle. Oh. It's a cheesy noodle, folks. It's so, I used to eat them all the time. The shipware, because they were like five for a dollar. Yeah. I put two cans in and then just get a nice warm stir going.

Then I used to put an ice cube in it. It would be so hot. I'd put an ice cube. And then I'd leave the ice cube in one spot and have a cold bite. Mix it with a hot bite. I used to do it with ramen noodles. That's so funny. I might go get some McDonald's.

SpaghettiOs. Yeah, I'll watch. I decided to start buying food in bulk. I got a bunch of Dijournos and boxes of yodels and Coke. Costco? Not a good eater. No, no. Just at the grocery store.

Ah. Because usually in New York you're so used to like, I'm like, I'm hungry. I'm going to go get a grilled cheese sandwich and a Coke. But now I just have food at home. It's nice. Food at home is nice. But my problem is I get the food at home and I just eat it all. The one sitting.

Right. I can't stop myself. Yeah. Can't stop, won't stop. Same. Yeah. Same with drugs and booze. I just want it all.

Put it in me. Right. Pegging. But anyways, one year I did Ann Arbor. New Year's Eve. I'll be back April 5th, 6th and 7th. But this year it was Dr. Grinn's Grand Rapids, which I think is my fifth time there. I opened for DePaolo there.

Wow. I opened for Johnnigan there. Wow. And now my second time headlining there. Plus the festival. Now Grand Rapids is a cool city. It's nice. But a lot of these, we talk about this, you're coming for your sixth time.

You've seen it all. And it's hard. Like literally, I've been to the Art Museum, the Gerald Ford Museum. I've been to the record store five times. I've eaten the hot dog joint and I've walked up the river. Yeah. And after a while you're like, I can't do anything else. You got it.

Not to mention, as you remember a couple of weeks ago, we had quite the cold snap. And it was like three in Grand Rapids. And so you're there and it's four days. It's an extra day because of New Year's Eve. And I hate to complain because again, there's people out there roofing and doing construction. And God bless you. We appreciate it. But it's just a lot of downtime and loneliness.

Loneliness. It's cold, lonely and far away. Yes. And far away. And you're just separated. But the club is great. Shout out to Seth. He loves us.

Good egg. Love you, Sethie. Seth Shapiro, good man. SS. Yes. Ironically. Exactly. But good guy.

And then I had the big media day on Friday. It's one of these ones with four radio, two TV. And I'm dreading it. And this is like a little life lesson you have where I'm just dreading it. And I'm like, fuck it. I'm going to have to get up at seven in the morning, four radio, two TV. I won't get home till one o'clock in the afternoon. Brutal.

And then Thursday I'm sitting in the green room. And then the comic Garrett, who used to live here, MC. God, I forget his last name. Seth's with an E. Elliot. No. Ecstasy. Elyasis.

Erection. Enterprise. Elon Gold. Escargo. Eskimo. Might have been Eskimo. I'll look it up. I'll hide it for the end of the pod.

I think they like Inuit. I'll figure it out. But anyways, Garrett, he's like, hey, I'm taking you ready tomorrow. And it's just two because most of them are canceled because of the holidays. Hallelujah. I wanted to beat off in my own head and lips and mouth. Sure. And get beaten with a whip by a woman in leather.

So I was very excited. So it's still a 730 pickup instead of a 7AM. It's 730. That helps. And one's across the street. We're doing a radio. Then TV's right after it. And then we're done.

Oh, what a dream. So I'm like, great. So now I'm like, what a relief. I was all worried about the whole thing. Noon, blah, blah, blah. Five things. And then I wake up at 715. I go downstairs.

I meet them at 730. The radio's right across the street. So we walk. And now it's frigid. I'm on four hours sleep. It's 7AM. The sun's not even out. It's fucking 16 below zero.

We walk over. And the radio's in this old, like, beat up warehouse. It's, like, boarded up, literally. Weird. And it's just the two of us are walking in there. We go to get the door. The door is, like, locked. Double door, locked with, like, wood across it.

Like, the whole building's closed. Like, our hurricanes are coming. It's wild. So it's just closed. And he's like, my phone. I don't know. So it's just closed. And he's like, my phone.

I don't have the contact with this guy or whatever. Great. So it's great that it's canceled. But you still got up. But the TV is at 840. No, you can't go back to bed. And it's 730. So you don't even have enough time.

So now you're like, all you can think about is, like, I could have slept for another 45 minutes. Of course. So we go back to the hotel. We sit in the bistro. We have a coffee, which is nice. It's pleasant. I mean, he's a great guy.

So we're chatting and stuff. You don't have a coffee. I had a tea. I had to say coffee. Tea. You sound like a homo. I like tea. That's what the British live on.

I know. But people just hear coffee. They just know it as a thing. I hear you. It's like the Paul Reiser bit. Coffee. We'll be having coffee. It's a thing.

All right. So anyways, I get a tea. He gets a coffee. We sit there. And then we got to go to the TV. And it's morning TV. So we got to drive there. We drive there.

And these women are, I posted a photo. I did very well on Instagram. Very sexy women. Very. Really? How did I post this photo? Yeah. It was quite a photo.

A thousand likes between you, me and the table and the Starbucks. I usually hit all the errors. I'm surprised I missed. Well, it was something else. And they were just beautiful women. And I sat with my legs crossed like a little dandy. And we chatted. But these clubs, I love the clubs.

And I'm grateful. But the media, I'm like, who is possibly watching a morning show? Fox Morning News at 840 AM. Yep. Where I go, yeah, I started doing comedy in Boston. And now I'm married. And boy, my hair looks crazy. All right.

Thanks for having me. Yep. Is it really worth? Of course not. Getting up at 7 AM? No one's going. We got to see this flanky motherfucker. Yeah.

It just doesn't work. I guess it's an ad for the club. So it keeps you all conscious of the club. Sure. But they could just have the logo of the club. And I'm not talking Dr. Grins. I'm talking all clubs. All clubs.

Just have a logo and say, hey, this hour is brought to you by Chuckle Farts. Yes. Instead of making me get up at 7 AM. Yeah. Come out to knucklebusters. But the getting the comic up, it's like slave labor. You just shove them in there. Here you go.

You loser. Yuck it up. Be a clown. It does nothing. I've even done the whole thing where you're on stage and you go, who here heard me on the radio? Who saw me on the TV? Zilch.

One tweet does more. I know. The point is it's exactly like slavery. Yes. There's no difference. Cotton. But Hamilton. I was talking to Ryan Hamilton last night.

And he was saying, we should start getting together and say, you got to pay us for media. 100 bucks. Well, they pay for the media already. But here's the thing. You got to pay us because we're doing it. And it's a good point because you're like, it's 100 bucks. And they say, it's not worth 100 bucks. And you go, well, then why are we doing it?

Well, it's all part of the package and the contract. I know, but I'm saying it shouldn't be. I agree. They don't say that. That's part of the contract. The contract is for the show. They don't say because of media. The media is extra.

The media is free. Interesting. They go, yeah, I'm getting paid. This is my rate to do comedy. It's because I'm getting the same rate on the clubs that don't have media. There's some clubs you go to like, we don't do media here. We have no media. Yes.

You know what I mean? There's a bunch of those clubs. You might have something. There's two things that these road clubs should get rid of. Check spot. Yes. And radio. Sing it, sister.

And they both fuck you. And you're taking away from the quality of your show. Yeah. Because I should probably get to some stories and punch lines here. No, this is good. But it's just. Shelby's enthralled. It's just like, you're fucking up the whole, the show is not as good.

Like the late show Friday, I'm like, I've been up since six AM. So I'm like half-assing. I'm not half-assing, but I'm tired. Oh yeah. And you're taking away from the show. And I didn't exercise. I didn't ride. I didn't get to work because I'm all goofyed up.

You're all squirrely from the no sleep. And the checks are unnecessary. The whole show just comes apart. It's brutal. You can't do your closer. Nobody goes, this guy sucks. It's like, no, you suck. But, but I've talked to owners.

You bring up the no checks. And they, whoo, it's like bringing up the Holocaust. They go, I don't want to hear it. Like it's crazy. They can't even think about it. They can't fathom no checks. But yet so many clubs do it. Some clubs do it.

The seller does it four times a night, every night. Every club that's run by a comic or an old comic doesn't do it. But anyways, those are two things that you can really check. And it would make the show much better. Of course. But you can feel them. Like you can feel, especially like New Year's Eve. You can feel the whole crowd.

You just lose them. And I got to say, great weekend. But New Year's Eve, late show. We had a couple of Tuesdays there. I appreciate you coming. But I want to issue an apology out there that you had to see that show. Cause it was one of the, it was so bad. Was it a bomb and a half?

I was bombing for the last 20 minutes. Where it's just like a couple of tables, like a table over here laughs, a couple of smatters, a couple of chuckles. But like you've just lost them. Cause they're getting their checks. They're checking their watch. They're going, oh boy. It's almost 1130.

They want to, a lot of them just bought tickets to get into the building. Cause it's like a big entertainment centery thing. Big old building. So the fans are so sweet. They're like, hey, great, great show. Thanks for coming. We loved it. But you're like, you saw me bomb.

Yeah. And you just wish they were at the good show Thursday night. Dr. Grins was one of the best shows I've ever done. It was packed. Is that right? It was so hot. Yeah. I worked with some great guys.

Garrett and then Robert Jenkins was killer and just a good guy. The three of us really got along. It was one of those good weekends where everyone's got great jokes. Everyone got along. Everyone got along. It was really fun and funny. And they treat you really well there at Dr. Grins. I'm there in a couple of weeks.

Yeah. You're there February or March? Something like that. I think it's February. Maybe Feb. Yeah. Cause we talked about it and so come on out to the show. But cool town, great club, but it's just tough.

And then New Year's they're just juiced up and hammered. I hate every aspect of it. I hate walking to the club. I hate going to the bathroom at the club. Yeah. People are stumbling. And then there was a woman front row early show, New Year's Eve. I think it was early.

She was in the late show. She was sitting in the front row side stage. She got her feet up on the stage. She's probably like in her mid 40s, arms folded, angry face. Sure. Not, not laughing. I know her well. Angry.

Just mad at me. Yes. And I do this bit about, she was wearing these big crazy boots. I do this bit about the sex with shoes on. And the whole time she starts doing this, she leans back her seat and she's putting her foot up like this. Oh. Just wants to get recognized, sticking her leg out and dangling her foot, swivel.

An ankle swivel. To show the boot. Yes. With the serious face. Really angry face. Wow. Like look at these. Look at these ones.

What a cruise. And it's annoying because I'm like, I'm not some foot fetishist. It's just a funny bit. Yes. And it's not about you. So I did the thing. I love doing so much. It's one of my favorite things to do in the world.

Hit me, baby. It's when somebody really wants to do a thing. Yes. Or they'll do like this. Boy, I just got back from vacation and you just go, neat. You know what I mean? Well, they just want you to go, oh, where'd you go? Oh, wow.

I went to, I love, just tell me about, just go, hey, look at my shoes. Yes. I hit the subtle like, ah. Right. So I just ignored and I kept looking right at her. It felt so satisfied. Wow. You ignored with a look.

I looked straight in her eyes and then I would pan back and she just kept doing it. And she was like putting her foot up and everyone's noticing it. Her legs in the air. It wasn't even a sexy shoe. Yeah. I paid a shoe that's like, it's like platform. It's like a Marilyn Manson boot. Yeah.

That's not a sexy boot. Gross. Boot. What a boot bitch. I like a classic heel with like a point to the thing. I want to be pegged. I hate the platformy thing. I hate it.

What do they need on extra inches? You're a woman. I wanted a regular shoe like my aunt would wear to like a business meeting. You know, that's what's sexy and you're like, ah, good pitch. Now fuck me. What was with the platform? Yeah. Who are you?

Axl Rose. Gene Simmons. Yes. The other guy. But anyways, I hated it, but it was so fun to ignore, but she just got mad. And then she was more mad. She doubled down on the angry. And then even after I moved on from the bit, like three minutes later, it's the boots

back in the air again. More boots? I wanted to slap it. Should have given her a boot slap. I wanted to grab the boot and just pull her on stage and just whip her into the, you know, pool. Pull her by her bootstrap. Yeah.

Pull her down. But I hated this woman. Just the death stare. Just a stinker. I hate that stinky woman. What is that? These weirdos who come out to show. I have it all the time.

They're just angry at me immediately just for being on stage. You showed up. You paid for a ticket. Why are you mad at me? They're miserable and they got bad boots. And she was alone. She was in a group, but like she had no man, you know, so she was probably trying to. But I think sometimes people treat me like this, like, nerd.

Oh yeah. You're sexy. Look at me. And I'm like, yo, you're old and gross. My wife's hot and you stink. Right. Right. Interesting.

And back to the check anal for one sec. Please. Check analite. It's on. Fuck. That threw me off. Ah, shit. You want to go back to the check?

Check. Talking about checks. Checks mix. Ah. Chubby checker. Checker. Chubby checker. Ah.

Chess and checkers. Ah, shit. It's gone. Damn it. Come on. Checks. You get the checks. You lose the crowd.

They hand them out. Damn it. Fuck my mother hard. Damn it. Check. Check. Back check. Four check.

Cross check. Check cashing, please. That's all. It's gone. It'll come back in three weeks. Checkers, Lovakia. I'll call in. Check Republic.

Yeah. Sedato Chara. Check mark. Lovakia. All right. Check out counter. Ah, fuck. Oh, boy.

It's gone. It'll come back. It'll come back. All right. All right. So continue with the boot. All right. The boot's over.

The boot's over. They just come out. They come out angry. I hate them. And maybe they're papered. No, I think they bought. I think, well, I don't know. I think they're just upset if something happened or whatever.

Maybe they didn't like the last comic. Well, Robert does a couple of Trump things. So some of them might have taken the whole thing personally or whatever. They might have been like, oh, this show doesn't like Trump. I'm going to sit like this the whole time. See, I have that weird thing where you get the twat with the boot up and you start thinking, well, am I, uh, I got to address this like I'm a comedian. This is what we do.

Be a man. Shut her down. So I get all these like insecurity bullshit going on. So I go at her and then it's way worse. I love not addressing the person that wants like the person with the hat that wore the tiara or the thing. It's just when somebody is like, I'm going to be, I'm going to have them make fun of me.

Right. Wear your Santa hat. He'll be, he'll be part of the show. I'll just go now. Act like they're not wearing some 2018 glasses. In a weird way, it's almost like the social justice thing. Just ignore it. That's what they want.

They want the juice. They want the fight back. Shut her down. That's the only power we have is to ignore. And it works. It does work. It helps to go. It's like Ari said, like gnats.

You just swat him away. Get out of here. Very effective. It's almost the same with my, you know, I got my mental shit where I cut myself down. I hate everything. I hate myself. I'll be going to a social event and I'll go, they're all going to hate you. You suck.

You're annoying. And I just go, I'm just going to ignore you and it's fine. Yeah. It's weird how that works. Why do I have that? Do you have acceptance? Are you kidding? Of course.

It's a little better. Every second I'm talking, I'm like, do they hate me? And some of them reach out and say, we hate you. So it's a bummer. The tweets. Yeah. It's a real problem. Sorry about those.

But anyways, so, oh God, I forget what we were now. New Year's Eve talking. Oh, and then, oh, we said a woman cry on Saturday night. That was fun. That's exciting. Yeah. So she comes. It's a late show Saturday.

I flew Sarah in, which was fun. It makes such a huge difference to just have a friend, a lover, a life partner. Sure. And immediately, she lands, gets in the hotel, you're like, ah. Plus, you know, you have sex, which helps, too. Sure. Now, Uber over. Takes a cab.

Yeah. Cab ride flies in. The flight was delayed, which is always the worst. Like a two hour delay. Because you have it in your mind, like I'm going to wake up tomorrow and Sarah will be here, but then she gets delayed. But it was ended up being fine. She got there and we just like ordered in and it was really nice.

Sunday, New Year's Eve day. We went to the record store. We bought some records. Oh, fun. We got Take Out at Pepino's. If you like a pizza, go to Pepino's. It's a nice spot. Sounds made up.

Brought it back. Got a large pizza, extra sauce. We throw in the TV. Dumb and Dumber's on. It's like 30% through. All right. We're watching Dumb and Dumber. We're eating pizza.

I got sauce all over my ass. Yeah, you do. It's just a great time. You know, you just live in and then you have that back. You're like, oh, fuck. We have to go to do New Year's Eve shows. But late show Saturday, it's a little lighter for this show. And Robert's on stage and he's killing, except there's this one woman in the back.

She just keeps doing this stuff. Oh, yeah. Yep. Totally. At one point, he's doing a race bit and she just goes, amen, brother. Which is just like, oh, I hate you. Just like this 25-year-old white woman yelling out, amen, brother, at the black comic who's like, just trying to work.

He's trying to do a show. He's like, I'm doing jokes. Kill yourself. I hope you agree with my sentence. But amen, brother. We are like, this isn't fucking church. Just laugh or don't laugh. And then afterwards say, I really agree.

I really spoke to me there. That was an interesting point or whatever, you fuck. I'm cringing. And it's like everyone's laughing, but you. You're the only one. And she's like, I'm enjoying it. I'm having fun. You're like, well, you're the only one not laughing.

I remember what I was going to say and ties into this. Please. It's all a disrespect thing at the end of the day. It's a disrespect for comedy and comedians with the check spot, the amen, brother, because I'm not Lynn Miranda over here, but you don't see this shit at Hamilton. It's a performance. I know I'm comparing myself to a very popular, expensive Broadway show, but we're performers as well.

And they came to our show. So suck it up. Put the boots down. Take the TR off and shut your yapper. I agree. What's the difference? But she thinks that. And so anyways, this, this ends up coming to a head this woman.

So she keeps doing that stuff like, yep, totally. Oh yeah. Me too. Oh, I agree. Like that shit. Me too. She gets raped. She's not being.

What do you call it? Like mean or shitty. She's enjoying the show. Yeah. But she just doesn't know how to enjoy this. She thinks that's part of it. Of course. And she, it's also, I find it condescending to be like, I'm helping you.

Yes. I'm agreeing. Exactly. Disrespectful. He needs me. He needs me to say amen, brother. So then I get on stage. I'm just annoyed by her, but I go on stage and she's far enough away that you can't hear

it that well. But evidently, somebody came over to her and was like, Hey, you can't really yell out. Good. Well, she leaves in a huff at the end of the show because I come off stage and someone was like, did you get into it with a woman? And I was like, no, not at all. I didn't even talk to one person, the whole show. But you knew who they were talking about.

I knew. It was just so funny. This is what I brought up. I'm like, I immediately, I was like, was it the blonde woman in the back thing? And they were like, I don't know where she was sitting, but she huffed off and she looked pissed. She almost ran into me and I was like, I bet it was that woman. So I don't want to say this.

So later she comes back, she's talking to Seth and she's crying. She's like, we're over. We're all like, we're all leading against the green room door with like cups on the thing, trying to hear. Sure. And she's like, it's like a stack of heads, you know, it's me, Garrett, Robert, Kramer, the butler, Sarah. And you just hear like, well, I've been to shows all over.

I've been to Chicago, LA, and New York, and I yelled out during all these shows. You're lying. I know. What does that mean? Oh, Chicago. They let you yell. What? It's like, I've been doing comedy 20 years all over the, all over the world.

I've done comedy in Kuwait. You got that right. They don't let you yell out at the shows. No. And she's like, I'm just helping the show. And she starts crying. We are like, oh, you're a crazy person. You're crazy.

And she's not with anyone. All her friends have left. They're all downstairs or whatever. She's like, I think this is crazy. And I just was agreeing and I love it. And you're just like, you also want to say, you know, I knew it was you. Of course. You know what I mean?

I'm like, I watched you for five minutes, two hours ago, and knew exactly who they were talking about when they said someone was crying. Right, right. I mean, if you know a woman like this or a person like this, these people need to internalize a little bit. They always go, everything's wrong. I do this show. It's you.

You're the problem. You need to realize that at some point. You're a fucking adult. Well, it's like we said, like no one else is doing it. Have you noticed that? What's that? Oh, no one's yelling out. It's 150 people.

Everyone's sitting there watching the show. Right, right. You're the one person going, amen. Woohoo. Totally. That's the crazy. You're the one person doing that. Right.

That's why it's not normal. We have a good thing. But anyways, it was fun to watch her cry. I have to say. I enjoy just hearing about it. Seth was so nice. He's like, come back because she's not malicious or whatever. But then the next night, New Year's Eve, it doesn't sound like we're picking on women.

There's a guy. There's a whole group of table in the back. New Year's Eve. I had texted everybody before I went on. I was like, these guys are a problem. Yeah. Well, they're just going like, banana, blah, like yelling weird shit or whatever. What is that?

They're just hammered, frat idiot. They're just too dry. I mean, they're just like, they're hammered. They're bored. So they're yelling. But you're like, you guys are going to take Nip this in the bud. I think they did because I never heard from them again. But well, it's nice to know they're nipping because a lot of clubs aren't nipping in any

bud. Oh, they'll nip and Dr. Grins is a great club. I love it. I really like that. And also I hit a bunch of bonuses, which I've never had happen before. And one of them, he's like, this one was a little short, but we gave it to you. I shouldn't put that out there. But maybe I shouldn't say that.

I want them to get in trouble. Ah, sweet people. They know what they're doing. It's a management. Really nice. Yeah, it was a good feeling and good weekend. But boy, those New Year's Eve shows are so tough. It's just amateur hour.

Everyone's hammered and everyone has expectations and people want to fight. It's just like, ah, I hate boo. Even when I was drinking, I drunk people and I know who I was and how I was. And I hate that. It's like vandals and people are like, fuck you. Right, right. Yeah, it's kind of a double-edged dick though where you're like, hey, you got the bonus, but also all the idiots show up.

Right, right. It's just tough. But most of the shows were great. Thursday's show was like insane. Is that right? It was so killer. It was amazing. Always the best crowd.

Yeah, it was really fun. So thank you to all the Tuesdays that came out and I apologize for the ones that had to see that late show, New Year's Eve, it was a tough one. Come back, see Mark. Don't go to the late shows, I guess. Well, come to mind. I'm saying the late shows. Go to the early shows, what I'm saying.

Well, somebody's got to go to the late. Well, I guess if we have enough people to fill all the shows. Sure. Well, yeah. I just, I hate the yelling at it, so if this happened at a show, like a Broadway show, it would be like a headline. Like, the person got removed from the show, it'd be like a big deal. Oh, yeah.

Well, they don't. Let's part for the anal for us. I know, but that's the thing. It's like, people have talked about it before, we're not in the arts section, we're in the nightlife section. Yes. It's a club. Yes, nightlife.

You know what I mean? It's a... Hate nightlife. It's frustrating. Hey, hey, folks. You got to get yourself a Casper. It's all I can say. I have one at home.

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You love it. I love this thing. I'm on it right now. It's cozy. It's comfy. I'm gay. Back to the show. Thank you.

The hotel was just wild because it's New Year's Eve. Oh, yeah. So like the neighbors, two nights in a row, there was like a whole family in there. There was like 12 of them, and there was just like, they're all shouting, like, you motherfucker, shut the fuck. There was one moment she said, shut the fuck up 25 times. It's a lot of shut the fucks. And I was like, I don't want to complain.

I don't want to call down because they're having fun, having a party over there or whatever. So you don't want to be an asshole, but it's hard because you're trying to sleep and you just hear like, it's like muffled because it's a wall, but it's like, shut the fuck up. Yeah. Shut the fuck up. You shut the fuck up. God damn it. I'll just fall asleep.

I'll put the pillow over my head. Next night. Same thing. Now Sarah's there. Same thing. Same exact script. Same FTFU. Yeah.

Yeah. Same thing. I don't know if it was a team or what was going on, but there was like seven of them in the room. Yeah, they were rehearsing. Yeah. But it went till two in the morning, three in the morning. I'm not late anyway.

So I just had the TV loud, turned it off, turned the fan on. I ended up falling asleep anyways. But then the next day, New Year's Eve day, they got music blasting. It's like some sort of like techno, not hip hop, but it's got like a beady, I don't know what the hell it was. Maybe it was house. It might have been house. Trance.

Might have been a housey trance. Uh-huh. Transylvania. I hate all of it either way. House of pain, I think it was. Oh, yes. But it's blasting. And I'm like, all right, I got to call down.

I don't want to be an old geezer douche, but I'm like, this is too much. It's four in the afternoon. I'm trying to watch TV. It's like... And so I called down and then it kind of felt good because they're like, we'll send security and like five minutes later, I hear like, and then the music's off and I'm like, all right. Hey.

It felt good. I asserted. But now you can't leave the doorway or leave your room because you don't want them to know it's you. Well, the nice thing was, it was so loud, it was taking up the whole floor. So it's like, this could be anybody can play. This is insane. Got it.

But then later on, I go down to get ice and it's like a wedding party down the other end of the hall. And it's like, this is like a party. It's like a hundred people in two rooms. Sure. And it's just like... And I'm like, this is going to be the worst night of our lives. It's wild.

We get back New Year's Eve and we snuck out before midnight. We shot across the street at like quarter of 12. Yeah. We get across the street and this is a weird one. Have you ever experienced this? This is very kooky. The elevator, there's like basement and there's four floors of rooms. Elevator doors open and there's just a guy drunk in like a suit that's like disheveled.

He's got a whiskey, like a flat, like a fifth of whiskey. It's like a fifth gone. So he's got 120th. I like it. And 125th maybe. Either way, I bought it. There it is. But he's just sitting there, but you're like, no buttons are pressed and he came from nowhere.

Like the door's open. He didn't get off. So he's just riding an elevator around. So we both get on and I'm like, this is nerve wracking because... Cracked that fifth over your head. Yeah. Well, I hit four. That's our floor.

And then he doesn't hit anything. Yeah. That coat. You see that coat? Come on. Bad bod. Sorry. I walked by with a kooky coat.

Like a crazy bad coat. Anyways, so I get on and he doesn't hit any buttons. So this guy's just riding up and down the elevator, which is very nerve wracking. Yeah. Yeah. And he's got that like crazy, glassy eye. So I'm kind of talking to Sarah and we're like, some people buy tickets to, we're talking about the show or whatever and I can feel him just staring at me.

Now I don't want to just be, you know, alpha dog or whatever. You got to let this guy know. So I'd like to stare back at him. Nice. So now I'm staring at this guy and he's just staring back at me. I'm like, this could get weird. Well, you got the upper anal because you are sober. You're lucid.

Yeah. I'm sober. I think I could beat the hell out. I think this guy is literally in a blackout. Yeah. I could just kick the shit out of this guy. You got it. And so it's nerve wracking.

He's like, this guy might be crazy and he might have a gun. We're in Michigan. Go open carry container. So he stays got both. So he's staring at me and he's like, tickets. I got a ticket. The wrist band. He shows me a wrist band.

He's like, this is for all three hotel. I don't even know what he's talking about. Whoa. He's like, I'm holding the ticket. I was just talking to my wife and he's like, yeah. And then the doors open. We get off. He stays on.

And we're like, we both get off. We're like, that was crazy. What a fucking lunatic. That was really scary. And Sarah's like, I'm like, she's like, I'm actually shaking. I'm like, don't worry. I'd beat the shit out of that guy. Yeah.

Then I hear a noise. I look back. He's behind us. So he stayed on the elevator. The door is closed. He must have hit open. He came back out and now I'm saying, don't worry, I'll beat the shit out of that piece of shit.

Whoa. And he's like six paces behind and he's coming down the hallway. Whoa. Now this guy is riding the elevator up and down with no buttons. He's fucking jerky jerky riding. It's like the drunk shining. It's very scary. And now he might have overheard me say, I'll beat the shit out of that guy.

He might have heard. So he's walking. He's got a bottle. So now we're trying to kind of like walk, but not be scared and nervous at the same time. But this guy is like a couple of paces back. Holy smokes. And I kept kind of like glancing back and he was just like Jim Morrison stumbling.

We get to the room and it felt like Jerry trying to key in because he's robbers. And we get in the room and then, you know, Sarah like throws the bolt shut and I'm like, I think that guy, he doesn't even know where he is. He's not like after. And he's not like a big guy. He's like a, he's like a regular medium guy or whatever. But boy, it was really like one of those things where you're like, I can't wait to get back in the room.

Yes. Lock it all. I wanted to just leave and go to like the airport hotel. We're like, I don't even want to be around there. I hate New Year's. I hate all that drunken craziness. You had a bad go with the Cunty neighbor and then the, the, the meaty medium. Yeah, it's a lot.

But we got back in the room and then, you know, made sweet love. We watched the ball drop, which is just nothing really. It's all silly. Mariah Carey, Jenna McCartney. What are we doing? It's all just silly, but it is fun to see drunk people like Anderson Cooper is drunk, who I've been watching since like I was like in elementary school on channel one. Yes.

And he's hammered and he's, he sounds real gay when he's drunk. Gays can drink. Like he's like, normally he's just like, well, Trump came into the thing today and, but he's watching. He's like, all right. I'll have a drink. I mean, and I was like, wow, this is crazy. That's fun.

He's got a faux hawk all of a sudden. It's interesting to just hear somebody talk in their regular, I'm not giving the news. Yeah. I feel like if you heard Brian Williams be like, fuck that piece of shit. I don't even like, you know, butter. That's a, he hates butter, so we're trying to sell him butter. You ever seen that viral video of the, the reporter and he's just standing outside like doing a, what do you call that?

Like a, not a side piece, a standby, a shuffle, a floor piece. Hair piece. I know it. A piece of ass. A stationary. What is that? Road dog. Road piece, piece of chicken leg.

What is that? It's called a piece meal. Fuck, I'm going to think of it. A remote. A remote. Yeah. All right, remote. Yes.

He's doing a remote piece. He's out in the field in the middle of hell and it's, you know, a sunny day. It's like a big field. You can add a piece, remote piece. Remote piece. We were on to something with peace. Yes. So he's doing it and he's just going, and then today a man died of a tractor accident

and a big B goes by and he goes, wow, the fuck got you, dude. And he's like flailing his arms. All right, all right. I'll send it to you. Oh, those are fun. Please do. It's a good time. Wow.

A remote piece. Remote piece, folks. That's what you peg someone with. You strap on a remote piece. Sure. I'm sure somebody's fucked a remote in a hotel room. Oh, I think a lot of people, that's like a big thing people do. Oh, that mute button's got a sting.

So then I had this happen, plus those, does a laser go through your body? Like if I stick three quarters of it and press the bottom button, is it going to work? If I open my mouth? I bet it would. Can you go? You know. That's a laser, baby. Last channel.

Flashback. Uh-huh. But anyway, so then now it's time. Do this a lot. I admit this thing. I forgot. There's no transport. You got to set up yourself.

They give you money. I hate the money. I don't like it. So now you have that come down. You know, this happens a lot, especially with anxiety where you're like, it's over. The shows are over. Tomorrow I'm going home. I'm just watching football back to my regular life.

And then you're like, all right. Oh, fuck. We have an 820 flight. That means we have to get up at seven and we're going to get home and get into the airport. Fuck. I don't even realize. I didn't put this together. Now it's New Year's Eve and I have to call cab companies at one in the morning on New

Year's Eve. No Uber? Well, there's Uber, but I don't trust Uber in these small towns in the morning because 7 a.m. Some people are just like, I don't work 7 a.m. I never thought to not trust Uber. Dude, that's scary to me. I want a car set up because in New York City, you could do Uber anytime and there's 100

within two minutes. Oh, yeah. They're never, what do you call it? Cross my mind. But Grand Rapids, there's like 20 Uber drivers and it's New Year's Eve, so they work until four in the morning. So most of them are like, I'm not up at seven in the morning. There's that old weird guy.

He's always up. There's a pastor youth douche. But here's the thing. If you get up at 7 a.m. and you hit lift and it says 25 minutes away, now you've got no other option. Right. There's no taxi stand. So I call the car, the guy gave me his car when I took the cab the first time.

So I call that guy. This is, I wish Sarah was here to like confirm, I was so happy I had a witness. The craziest fucking, what do you call that? With the customer, customers, whatever call. Customer service. Customer service call. I've ever experienced. Remote peace.

This guy's like, ah, that's how he answers. And then there's like music in the background, there's a conversation in the background and I'm like, hello? He might have been in your hotel room next door. So crazy. I was like, hi. Is this the cab? And he's like, ah, I really, I thought someone was hitting him with a wrench or something.

And there's another conversation and then there's laughter. Like they must have been having a New Year's Eve party at the depot. It was that night. Yeah. This is at one in the morning. I see. So I hear like all this chirping and I'm like, I must have the wrong number. But I'm like, I dialed the number.

I'm looking at it and he's like, yeah, oh, and I'm like, can I get a cab for the morning to the airport? And he's like, what, what, what day, what name? And I was like, name, my name. He's like, yeah. And I'm like, my name's Joe. And then he's like, what's your number? And I swear to God, this is like, Sarah, you can ask Sarah.

I'm like, seven, eight, one. Oh, I'll give him my number. Yeah. I just, I write that. I say six digits, five, nine, two, three, eight. He's like, all right, all right, all right, address. And I'm like, I haven't even given you my full number. Oh no.

I gave him six digits. So maybe he had caller ID, so he was just confirming or something, but I literally, in the middle of the phone number, he's like, all right, what an address. Whoa. And I was like, I'm at the Marriott, the courtyard Marriott. And he's like, courtyard Marriott. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, Marriott, 7 a.m. This whole town is trash.

It's so wacky. And I hang up and I'm like, it was like the fucking, the wakeup guy from Seinfeld. I'm like, I got to call a different person. This is no good. You got to call. And Sarah was like, did you hear that? She's like, that was insane. That was great.

And I was like, I got to call the front desk, which I should have done in the first place. Call the front desk. I go, hey, can you set up a cab? And she's like, sure, we can do that. Oh, thank God. I go, I need a cab 7 a.m. So now I'm like, there's possible to be two cabs down there. Well, fuck it.

That's on him. Exactly. So I'm like, I feel guilty. So I call down. She's like, yep, 7 a.m. No problem to the airport. So now I wake up at 6 55. I look out the window and I see one cab sitting down there.

Is it the other guy or the other guy? I don't know. But I see a cab. Sarah, I'm throwing my shoes out of her scarf. The whole thing. Dildo. On the same foot. And I just pick her up and I carry her down.

Like, we got to beat the other cab there. Is the guy still in the elevator? The drunk? No, he's gone. But like, we got to get down. But there is like lipstick and broken heels and glass and coke everywhere. It looks wild. And then so we get down there and I'm like, all right, just get in the cab.

The door is locked shut from the inside. We can't get out. The door of the hotel. The hotel doesn't slide open because they must have like crazy drunk. So I'm telling the clerk, I'm like, hello, hello. I got to leave. I want to leave before this other cab gets here. The door won't open.

I can't find anyone. Finally, the guy comes out. He's all sleepy. He must have been drinking on the job. He's like, oh, sorry. He putzes the button. The door opens. Now it's like 704, by the way.

There's only one cab there. All right. It's the crazy cab company. Oh, he showed up. He showed up. The hotel lady was nothing. She blew it. I said, hey, I need a cab.

She's like, no problem. Take care. So I don't know when she would have come. Wow. But she dropped the ball. She dropped the ball. It's all right. And she dicked me.

Clark. Wow. That one needed to work. I liked it. So anyways, the retired crazy company was there. The hotel lady wasn't. This hotel sucked. How about that?

Nice hotel. But the door was locked and she didn't get my cab. So we ended up jumping in the cab. The cab ride. I'm like, finally, you always have this is how life is. You feel relief. You're like, all right, now we're in the cab. But then we're driving on the highway.

It's dark. It's cold. It just keeps going. Boom. Boom. Like the gear. I'm like, we're going to break down. I know it.

Yes. I'm freaking out. Sarah's just like, don't worry. You're an idiot. Is he giving you a little head? Don't worry about it. No reassuring. Nothing.

I want to love for that. Yes. Give me a little look back. Yeah. It's not always that cold weather, you know. That's what I needed. I got zero of that. Wow.

So anyway, we ended up making it fine. I gave him like a $300 tip. Sure. I made bonus. We got in the flight all hunky dory. And then boy, I got flight stuff too. Oh my God. This is quite a wild ride.

Well, I'm gold. As you know, John Hughes film here, I'm dealt the gold. So I get upgraded. I bought her ticket much later. So she's in the back with the fucking idiots and the hens and the chickens. Sure. And I got first class, but no one's, no one's sitting first class. We're on the plane with a D league NBA team.

The Detroit drive. It's like a minor league team. So there's all these crazy. What's that? You said a woman's know the men's. Oh, okay. It's like a minor league team now. I said Detroit grand Rapids drive is the name of the team.

Not a great name. Not a great name. So they're all in there and first class is completely empty except for me. Okay. And so I say to the flight attendant guy, I'm like, Hey, can I put my wife here? She's in the back of the plane. I feel like he was suspicious. He's like, how'd you get upgraded?

But she didn't. I was like, well, I set book my flight separately. I'm gold. She's not. We're both gay. And he's like, all right, I'll see. So he goes and gets her an upgrade. Whoa.

It gets free upgrade. She sits next to me because it's empty. My husband. So first class is empty, but the rest of the seats are packed. Is she blowing you? She's sleepy. All right. She's like, great.

You can't get a good blow out of her. You know what I mean? It's seven a.m. So she sits there. I would be blowing you. Very grateful. I'd love a blowjob. I'll give it to you.

Give me a first class. You want to give me a blowjob? I'd love to take a blowjob. What's the first class ticket? I'll give you 500 bucks for a blowjob right now. All right. All right. Well, that's the end of the show.

I'm waiting for the cash. We're back. Legal tender. Sorry. We had to do some editing, but we're back. Oh, we did. I didn't know we were editing that. That was a joke.

Oh, okay. I was like, you blew me. Oh. I was doing a gag. I got it. You gag. Yeah. Keep it going.

First class gold. We're talking. That was gold. So listen to this. Now, I don't know if this is racism or what happens here, but so I start to doze off. I'm like, boy, there's all these empty first class seats. We got a bunch of seven foot stretch dogs back here. Black folk.

No dog. I didn't mean dogs. Oh, I thought you meant they were cool guy. They were a couple of dogs. I just went stretchy dogs. I don't know. Stretchy dogs. That's the better team name, by the way, the stretchy dogs.

Fuck the drive. Stretchy dogs. I love it. GRSD coming at you. Oh, boy. So anyways, I'm like, okay, so we got all these tall drinks of water back there. I start to doze off. I wake up.

The coach is above me. Coach, ironically. He's in front of me. He's in row one C. He gets the first class. Now I look over to these first class seats. They got the equipment fucking stats kid. I'm going to the first class.

There's like a five foot eight nerd white guy with like horn rim glasses and a fucking top hat. What? He's crunching numbers. I'm like, they gave him the ticket. What? How did he get it? There's six power forwards back here with their legs up in the above rack.

Oh my God. Carry on, you know, check baggage. Right. Their legs are just literally, I'm looking over, their legs are just everywhere. Kind of Nike out the window. And they got fucking set Shapiro over here. Wow. The first class seat.

Oh my God. Now I will say, I panned over in another one of the power forward guys. He was in first class. And there's only so many first class seats to give away, but I'm like, how the fuck did this little Josh Rabinowitz get the first class seat? Is that white priv? I don't know if it's white priv or maybe he might fly more often or something. I don't know.

Is the coach white? Coach is black. So there's two black guys in first class. All right. All right. But the one kid, I mean, he might just, like I said, might have more points or maybe he asked, but like, how do you not just go, I'll give it to Jerome or whatever. Yes.

Well, yeah. Or, you know, or a tall white guy, whatever. Sure. Was there a tall whitey? There was one tall whitey. I think it was European or something. You can look up the whole roster. Yeah.

Grand Rapids drive. Yeah. But I looked over at the whole, I couldn't get, I felt like Larry David. I couldn't get over it. I was just staring at him. Like, how did you get that seat? You piece of shit. Yeah.

You want to ask him? Well, maybe no stats. He's going with numbers. He got, he figured something out like a cheap discount. Yeah. He might have because he was really like cooking and slinging. He was like, you know, oh, he had the big, you know, with the green visor. That's what I was thinking.

The receipt going and the pipe. Yeah. He was doing that thing. And then what was fun was the coach was right in front of me. And first class is a big crack between because they're like bucket seats, you know, so I could see it. He was watching a game film. Wow.

Which was so cool. Cool window. The coach needed him. That's it. No. He was sitting across the aisle. So I don't know. The coach was, it was so fun to watch game because he would fast forward.

He would watch a basketball game and fast forward. Yeah. And then he would rewind it. Oh, cool. So he was really breaking down the film. So he's working. He's paying his way. Yeah.

So it was fun to watch. No, this is the coach. Oh, the coach. That's the coach. Oh, I thought it was the nerd. The coach. I got it. The nerd is over there, which is stats everywhere.

He was working. All right. He better be. But his feet didn't even touch the ground. He was dangling. Meanwhile, I got a pile of knees on my shoulder from 4F. You got to, you know, what's his face? God.

It's long dong silver behind you. Yes. Well, his dicks must have been huge. Huge. Drive those dicks. But anyways, go, go drive. I'm a fan now. Grand Rapids Drive.

But that statistician should really be in the back of the bus. Stretchy dogs. He got his own. How about this? Maybe the kid's husband got him in. Oh, possibly. Maybe he was the coach's husband. Might have been, but the coach is older.

And I was looking at them all up. They all got drafted and stuff. The coach played in the NBA for a minute. It was pretty cool. All right. It was neat. But it was fun to watch a coach go over game. I felt like a little behind the scenes of whatever.

Good time. Maybe he'll move up to the majors. Yeah. The NBA. Thank you. The association, they call it. But anyways, then I got home and it was a Monday New Year's Day is my favorite because he had the college football playoff, a bunch of football games, the frozen classic, bullshit,

winter classic. And then it was one of those days where nothing's expected from you. I just did seven shows in Grand Rapids, including New Year's Eve. I've been on the road a bunch now at home. I went to the gym to steam. Didn't even work out. I just took a steam, ordered $60 worth of Mr. Chicken. Gee.

That's a lot of chicken. That's a lot of chicken. That's a lot of chicken. That's a lot of chicken. That's a lot of chicken. That's a lot of chicken. That's a lot of chicken. That's a lot of chicken.

That's a lot of chicken. You can enjoy time off. I love time off. I have to struggle with that too, actually. Oh, did you? Because I struggle. I struggle with it still. I always struggle with it.

I always have this idea of what should be happening in my life. Because I'll have it off and I'm like, I've been looking forward to this for weeks, but I'm still stressed. I'm like, well, tomorrow I got to do this tomorrow. Yeah, yeah. It's hard to just really get in there and enjoy things sometimes. It's tough. You feel like the guilt hits me and then I go, I should be working more than you look

on Facebook. You're like, this guy's doing eight spots. I hate myself. It's a whole thing. Thank you. Thank you. Anyway, so that was my New Year's Eve story. Quite a tale, my friend, on the dogs.

Well, there's a lot of slippery dogs. What was it? Lengthy dogs? Stretchy. Stretchy dogs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's that attrition. I've got so many questions.

I really was not a fan. I was like, what is going on over here? Yeah, these poor guys. Malik is dying back there. I mean, these guys were long. They're six, five, six, eight, six, seven. Interesting. Very interesting.

And then, by the way, the coach, the seat next to him was empty. Weird. An empty first class seat and a bunch of, but maybe he's like a hard coach where he's like, you boys stay in the back. Maybe. First class. I went to the NBA and boobily boopily bing. But one of the kids got in, so he must be like the star player.

Maybe. I assume. Yeah, I suppose so. All right. Hey, Tuesdays, it's Joe List here telling you about Mac, Weldon, underwear, and all products. You know about it. We love it. We love it.

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I'm wearing them now. I bought my dad a Mac Weldon hoodie last year for Christmas. He wears it every day. It's our closest bond. I see him. He says, hey, what do you got a Mac Weldon hoodie? I say, yeah, what do you got a Mac Weldon hoodie? He said, yeah, you got it for me.

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Chicks dig them. They don't stink. And we fucking love it. Well, I had a little travel thing, too. So this is, you talk about how much you hate New Year's. You know what's even worse than working on New Year's? Holocaust. I guess it's not worse.

That wasn't real. But New Year's, I had the night off for the first time in my 11-year comedy career. And I had nothing to do. I don't know what to do. Nothing worse than having nothing to do on New Year's and you can't find a thing. Well, you stay home. You hang out. I'm not a stay home guy.

I like to get out. I want to mix it up. I want to go to Big New York City, the Big Apple, and yuck it up. Yes, you like partying. I want the blazer with the champagne bottle coming out of the pocket, the top hat, and the cigar. Yeah, you're a party guy. I want the whole thing.

I want to sit under the blankets and watch Dumb and Dumber back to back. I don't mind that either, but not on New Year's. So I'm just kind of like, what the hell am I doing? And me and the lady, we planned a ski trip in Vermont. Now a cold snap comes and they say, hey, folks, get off that mountain. You don't want to come down here. Cold mountain? Yes, broke back.

So we go, I don't know. What are we going to do? We're going to drive six hours to Vermont and do this and just shack up, because I wanted to ski. If you can't ski to me, it's all moot. Ski, ski, ski. Yes, motherfucker. And so we canceled the Vermont.

Cancel Vermont. Yeah, we had a car booked. We had a hotel booked. It was all in the books, but we canceled it. So now we go to Mohegan Sun and I'm doing Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday off, Sunday's New Year's. I can't believe they didn't do a show in New Year's. That's surprising to me.

They did it with Paul McCurrio. I don't know why they didn't latch it all on to me, but hey, I'm not complaining. That's peculiarious. So I go, all right, well, I got New Year's off now, Schumer invited me to New Orleans for New Year's like three months prior. Oh, wow. But in my head, I was like, well, I booked this trip to Vermont, so I can't do it. So I had to text her that and she was like, oh, well, you're an idiot for not coming.

It's good money. It's your hometown. It's a quick one show, blah, blah, blah. So I go, I wish I could, but I booked this trip. And the college football playoff is there the next day. So cold snap, Vermont's canceled. I text Schumer's assistant. What are the odds of me getting on that choo-choo train to party town?

And she goes, pretty good. Really? And I go, well, hey, how about that? But I'm in Mohican's son. A train from Connecticut to New Orleans. That's going to be something. That's the thing. That's a lot of pants shitting.

I start looking up tickets and now Schumer's like, can't believe you're coming. This is going to be great. I'll give you this much money, but we're going on the jet this day and I go, I can't make it to the jet. I'm at Mohican. And they go, well, we're taking the jet. We're on your own. So I start looking up flights and hotels.

I'm hitting up the assistant like, anyway, get on that, you know, you know, getting your hotel. What are you doing? What are you, what are you at? The Ritz? Can I get a spot? She's like, ah, it's all sold out. Fuck.

So now I'm looking at flights into the world at $900, $1100, $899, like crazy shit. So that's out. And she only pays 300. Wow. Bless you. Thank you. So that's out. So now I've gotten everybody excited about me going to New Year's and I'm looking at

them going, I don't think this is going to happen. Right. I, I, I, uh, what's the word? Blew your load. Yeah. Suck your own dick. I went too fast. Shave your eyebrow.

I jumped the gun. Jumped the gun. Jumped the gun. Yep. So now we're on our Amtrak to Mohican and I'm thinking, well now she puts a tweet out and on Instagram, we're all going to New Orleans, Rachel Feinstein, Mark Norman, I'm like, ah, man, I'm getting tweets and texts from people going, hey, in New Orleans, they're going, you're coming down.

Oh, boy. So now I gotta go, ah, I'm not actually coming and it's a whole thing and now I'm sitting there and this is when my, my dickless brain comes in where I'm going, just text her, just text her and let her know you can't come. Yeah. But I can't do that. Yeah. Because I'm going to let anybody down because I got problems.

Tough to do. So I just avoid it and I keep doing this thing where I'll go pee and I'll go, I'm holding my dick going, you're going to text, you're going to go sit down and you're going to text her. That's it. Yes. And you close that zipper, you close the door, you sit down and you don't do it. Yes.

So I made today, acceptance is different than avoidance. Well, that's pretty obvious. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you say I accept. I accept that, you know, my dad is quiet, but you're avoiding the problem. Right. You're not accepting and avoiding two different things.

Yes. Not that obvious. A lot of avoiding. And so now we go to Mohegan Thursday night, do the show, great show, get drunk. Don't text. Ah, boy. Wow. The next day it's Doug Key's over there.

We're having a great time. We go to the hot tub. We're drinking in the hot tub the next day on Friday. It's snowing out. We got a whole view of the Mohegan Valley or whatever the fuck that is. We're sitting in the hot tub, drink, we're talking to the locals. I don't text. Then we go to Ben and Jerry's, Doug Key's friend works there.

We get the works. Ironically, in Vermont. Aha. That's true. I got a, the tonight dough. Oh, that's gay. Yeah. Not a great name, but hey.

Silly I meant. Silly. Oh God. Well, they are silly. Sometimes. Anderson Cooper. So then we do a whole thing. You just stuck in this space station when you go to these casinos.

You can't go outside. It's freezing out of a car. So we do the pool, beers, Ben and Jerry's, then we go to Brookstone and really do it up in those massage chairs. Oh, those are fun. You're gonna buy them. Yeah, exactly. This would fit in the living room.

Right. Right. And you know, we're half drunk. We got an ice cream running down our chin. We look like gays. Yeah. We put it in those chairs with flip flops on scaring the kids. I've been pajamas.

Now that's silly. Oh, yeah. So we do the show, do the show. I, you know, you got the lady there, so you want to keep her entertained, you know. So I go, what's cooking tonight? What's cooking tonight? And this guy, this fan goes, well, we're going a little John. Little John the rapper.

Yes. Not the guy from Robin Hood. I was thinking pizza when you first said a little John. It's not like a pizza place. Didn't Papa John's pull out? I don't know. I think he's out of the biz. He touched a dick or something happened.

He blew a gay guy. I'm not sure. Killed an Asian. I don't know. I don't know. Sexual. So the guy goes, I can probably get you in a little John because you're working at the casino.

I go, great. We go to this nightclub. Little John. Yes. That's him, right? What? Yeah. Yes.

I don't know what else. I don't know about him. Chappelle. Yeah. Same. And so we go there and it's just silly. It's all these drunk white people. Right.

I saw like two black women dancing with each other on like in the corner, fully decked out. And these women are wearing zilch and just popping and locking and twerking and tweaking. It's so loud and there's these white guys in blazers with like fucking vodka bottles standing on couches trying to dance. It's embarrassing and it's a spectacle. And I can't believe anyone does that. You could tell people like, we're going a little John tonight.

You know, they got their suit ready and all their outfit ready. The girls like did their hair and their make-ups insane. The big earrings. Wild. What? Thank you. So he does another thing too. Whoa.

That's a different rapper. What's the other thing? What? Okay. I don't know. I can't. Okay. I'm sorry.

I just shit my pants. So we do that. It's silly. We go home. We bang. Blah, blah, blah. Go to Bobby Flays the next day. Oh, fun.

Pretty good. Bobby Gays. Thank you. Now, it's Saturday. Kevin Hart's at the arena. Oh. I'm at the comedy club. Kay Hart.

Little Kev. Doug Key goes to work out. Kevin Hart's in the gym. Oh, I bet. I watched the whole thing on ESPN about how he works out. Oh, my God. Does he work out? He's in there with a trainer.

Little guy. Maybe like 4-1. Yeah. Doug Key's talking to him. And I'm like texting with Doug. Like tell him you're a comic. Tell him you're working with the Mohegan. He's a comic.

He'll give a shit. Then he goes, hey Kevin, I'm Doug. I'm working at the comedy club while you're at the arena. He goes, oh, yeah, yeah, cool. You want to get a picture? So they take a picture and that was it. Oh, wow. He didn't give one shit.

Oh, wow. Wouldn't you give a little bit of a shit as a comic? Well, he's working out. I guess. Here's the thing that's hot. Well, I guess if he's working, he's like, I'm at this club. But sometimes people say I'm a comic and then they're like, I don't care. Yeah, but you're at the club beneath the arena.

I don't know. Yeah, that's a good point. I felt proximity-wise. I don't know. But he's a pretty nice guy. He's bumped into him many times. He's a cute guy. So he's in the gym.

Then I'm sitting in my room hours later. I went to the pool. I went to the buffet and I go, I should go to the gym. Now it's like six hours later. I go to the gym. He's still in there. Wow. I go to the gym.

He's wrapping up and he leaves. And I was like, holy shit. This guy's an animal. Exactly. Okay. Is that it? Give that a Google there. Sheltown.

Yeah. Is it okay? Okay. It feels a little... Well, what's pretty simple too, I guess. All right. Noted. Maybe.

So, you know, you go to the gym. You take your shower. You go towards the casino. You're walking towards your gig there. There's a line around the casino. I mean, this thing is twirling. Huge line. Everybody decked out.

Hot black chicks and fat white guys. The whole thing just packed. I don't know what they see. There are a million people. And I got to walk past this line. And then when I walk up to the club, the owner goes, just letting you know it's a little light. Ah.

And I go, God damn. I go on stage. I'm bombing. I get heckled. Nobody cares. A lot of old ladies with jewelry just arms crossed staring at me. These Connecticut... They live in no man's land.

They're not from a town and they're not like country folk. They're just kind of these in-between, weird, white, trashy folk. I can't even pinpoint it. Some in-betweeners. Yes. So I'm kind of bombing. It sucks. And I just snap on stage.

It's three nights of casino crowds. I just snap. Uh-oh. Not to mention I lost 100 bucks a roulette. So I'm really just in the dumps and I had to walk past that Kevin Hart long ass line. Looked like a bread line in the depression except they were happy. I get on stage. I'm bombing.

40 minutes in I go, fuck all you people. I'm funnier than Kevin Hart. He sucks. Why'd you go to that show? And I just lost it. And I could see all the staff was like, Jesus Christ. What the hell's going on? Like Doug Key's cracking up.

They hate me. It was a whole thing. And yeah, I really had to apologize later. The owner was like, what the hell was that later? I was like, I'm sorry. What can you do? You got a little snippy and snappy out there. It's tough times.

I railed on him. I was like, fluffy sucks. This guy sucks. I really just got a win in and they hated me. And you do your closure. The closure gets to nothing and you go, that was supposed to be a closure. That gets a laugh and then you leave. Yeah, I've had those.

Oh, it was brutal. I'm having a hard nice guy. I shouldn't have done that. But come on. I got bits. There's nothing worse than ending a show. I had this New Year's Eve, the second show where you're just like this, all right, everybody. Thank you very much.

That's it. Yeah. Take care. And see you later. And then you leave. You ever do this one? This is a one I hate where you go, all right, that's the show and you're kind of like just putting your hands together and they start clapping as if you're saying it's over.

They're clapping you off. Yeah. Like get out of here. Basically. I got the clap and went back to New York the next day, texted Schumer and it was, of course, she goes, oh, yeah, I know. No big deal. Yeah.

And that was it. And I built all that shit up for now. What's the other thing? What is it? Well, yeah, you build up and it's nothing. Buttercup. No, it's a good line. You always have.

If you think about it, you make, you worry more than you wonder. Oh, I don't know. I think it's a Tom Petty lyric. Oh. I'm sure as night follows day, most things I worry about never happen anyway. Zangin, zangin. Yeah, that's it. That's it.

You ever hear the old fear acronym? Hit me. Fuck everything and run or face everything and recover. Oh, where'd that been? I haven't heard that one yet. Yeah. Well, let's sit in my asshole. Face everything and run.

No. Fuck everything and run. Fuck everything and run. That's fear. Face everything and recover. Yes. I love it. Those are fun.

Well, that's for me to know and you to wonder. We got to wrap it up for God's sakes. Step nine. 61 minutes in here. So went back to New York, got a New Year's party, figured out, went to the party, had a great time. Listen to these celebrities at the party real quick. All right, who's party?

Seth Herzog. Oh, wow. It was at Sid's Gold, which is this old bar in New York. We get there, snowy night, the wife's in a fucking other way. The girlfriend's in a goddamn jumpsuit with cleavage. It was hot. The blazer on with the tuxedo shirt. Oh, fun.

T-shirt. The whole thing. We get there. Walk in. Keegan-Michael Keyes right there. Wow. And I go, I just saw you in Meteor Shower. He goes, who cares?

Then Richard Kind is there from Curve. Oh, I love that guy. Parker Posey's off to the right. Oh, that's my all time celebrity crush. Is that right? Yeah, we've talked about it on the show many times. I wanted to make me eat my own cum. The Queen of Indies.

Yes. Yes. He didn't look great that night, but she's a nice lady. She came up and put her arm. She was drunk. She was around me in the gallon. She was like, ah. Oh, my God.

I love her. I'm the King of Indies. Yes. Queen of Indies, King of Indies. So then we get drunk. We kiss at the ball drop. Parker Posey. I wish.

No, no. She sucks. And then I saw Doug Lyman. Oh, I love him. It was a cool group. It was like a good mix. Wow. And I got a lot of stares.

Like, who the hell are you? We get the hell out of there. We go home. We make sweet 2018 love. And she's pregnant. What? Yeah. Who's pregnant?

The lady. Your lady? She got knocked up. Did you kill it? Yes. Jesus. Now we're here. All right.

Wow. Where are you going to be? Sounds like an off air talk. All right. Hey, February is a fun month. The worst month of the year. Although it is Black History Month. Not the worst month.

Shortest. It's the shortest. And it's also this cold and like Valentine's Day is a lot of pressure and it's like, it's just one of those ones where January, February are just tough. Yeah. It's bleak. But I'll be at the stress factory, February 1st, 2nd and 3rd Super Bowl Sunday. I'm going back to Key West there, February 15th and 16th.

And then February 13th, I'm putting together a show in Boston. I'm going to the Bean Pot on the 12th and I'm going to set up a show. So keep your ears peeled. What happened? I got an interesting text. I'll tell you about it later. Oh, geez. All right.

Well, February 13th in Bean Town. And then don't forget, boy, March, I have zero work, my God. Oh, that's scary. All right. Okay. Ann Arbor. April 5th, 6th and 7th. One of my favorite clubs.

We're going back to Moon Tower. Mark and I will both be there April 19th to the 21st. We're going to do a live Tuesdays with stories. Hey, Donnie. And then Tacoma. I'm coming back. It's been a long time. So I've been up to the old Pacific Northwest.

I'll be there April 26th and 27th. Spokane on the 28th. ComedianJoList.com. I love you. Be nice to each other. Take care of each other. Mark, tell them all about your aides. January, the end of it.

Good nights in Raleigh. Can't wait for that one. Then it's Groundhog Day. Then I'm at Dr. Grins. You've probably heard about that place. Great club. A lot of boots. Helium and Buffalo after that.

Helium and Philly after that. Then Comedy Zone and Charlotte. That'll be fun. Laughing's called Atlanta. Ann Arbor. What is that? Michigan. Comedy attic in Bloomington.

We got some fun stuff. Bananas in Hasbrook Heights. You know it. You love it. They were at Moon Tower at some point, I believe. And we got a lot of good stuff coming. Magoobies and Bean Baltimore. And suck my asshole.

We love you. Praise Allah. Thanks for coming out. Hit the Patreon. Hit the Facebook page. Tweet at us. We'll see you all in hell. God bless Iraq.