Tuesdays with Stories! - #229 Elbow Bump

Episode Date: January 23, 2018

Holy hell, it's a show stopper of a Tuesdays as the guys hit up the city's comedy club holiday parties, Mark gets mistaken for an intruder at SiriusXM and Joe deals with a very ill woman at his show in Madison, WI! Check it out! Become a subscriber to our Patreon for the latest LIVE bonus pod with Michelle Wolf & Ari Shaffir! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download Go on iTunes and give the pod a #5StarLunch review!

This is a Stand Up New York Labs production, providing you podcasts since 2013. Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard.

And then the duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories everybody.

That's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. Hey everybody! How you doing? It's Joe List. Mark Norman. Suck my dick. Shelby Royleston.

Can you say your name on the podcast? Shelby Royleston. Did I say your name? Royston? Royston? What is it? You got it. Royston.

No, that's fine. What is that, English? I think there's an L in there. Believe in English, yeah. All right. Good day, mate. The L is silent. Just like Shelby.

Oh, sorry. I ummed over you. Oh. Want to throw it back out there? Nah, it wasn't worth it. All right. Great. They're probably here.

They're probably binaural. Binaural? I think that means listening out of both ears. It's a Pearl Jam album. Oh, really? I think that's what it means. Bad choice of a title. Not the best title.

Not their best album either, but pretty good. Next year after that, or the next album was called Riot Act, which I hated that title, but a great album. Ah. Riot Act. I'm going to read you the Riot Act. Yeah, I didn't care for it. Yeah.

You don't say that anymore either. No, I guess not. They say, uh, you're a rapist and you're out of the business. Yeah. Let's say now. That's the big one. It used to be racist now, rapist. Yeah.

Racist was last year. Right. Rapist this year. There's no more racism now. Black guys aren't getting shot anymore. That's out. Then it was Moonlight, and this year it'll be Lady Bird. We'll see.

And then Birdman went two years ago. Birdman, Lady Bird. Ah. But this three billboards might win. I've been quiet on this podcast here. I don't want to get into a big movie thing, but three billboards is a piece of shit. Have you watched it yet? I haven't seen it.

I don't want to watch it. You've been railing against it. It's that damn, damn narrative. I'm sick of it. I hate this movie, folks. And with all due respect to the wonderful fans. Thank you for listening. I love you.

God bless you. People compare it to Fargo because it's got Francis McDormand in it. And it's violent. But I'm like, the Coen Brothers are one million billion times better. This movie, you can't throw people out windows and kick teenagers in the genitals with no repercussions. It's a cartoon, this movie. So what's the love?

Everybody's raving. They love it. And I think, I don't know. It's very strange to me. But I loved Lady Bird. I love Call Me By Your Name, those goddamn gays. He beats off into a fruit. And the other guy eats it.

I loved it. I want to see the Gay Fruit film. I was hard as a rock. I got it all. I got it on DVD. You got to come over. Oh, please. I have The Great Wall.

What's it called? The Great Wall. The Big Wolf Fall? Not the... Rock Hard. What's it called? Get Out. No.

The Churchill. Oh, I love Churchill. The Darkest Hour. Darkest Hour. That one I love. I got that in the screeners. I love that one. And get out and watch three more times.

And I think it's really great. At first, I was like, yeah, it's fine. Then I watched it again. I was like, oh, it's really good. And then I watched it again. I was like, this movie's pretty brilliant. Uh-huh. I really am bored with that one.

Three billboards. I think Stinks to High Hell. Hi, Holly. And then Lady Bird I love. Call me by your name. I love... I love the women. I love the homos.

But this three billboards, just get out of here. Get that out. You have it up your own asshole. They should get out. I think... I think they stink. But in Darkest Hour, I loved. And Dunkirk was fun.

They kind of go sister to sister there. I liked Dunkirk. It was fun. Yeah. I thought it was cool. It was a whole new kind of movie where there's zero dialogue and just four different stories. And the kid never took a shit. No, yeah.

I don't want to ruin it. That takes shit. Spoiler alert. But anyways, that's my two cents. And somebody great... We have the best fans in the world. I want to thank you. I love you.

I love them. Here's a thought. You ever thought about writing a film? That's all I think about. And I'm working on it with Alan. Oh, really? I'm very afraid. Well, especially with your shit on quite a few movies there.

Well, of course. So if people are going to be... Here we go. Oh, Gene Shallot finally put out a movie. Let's see how his is. Let them shit. Well, Roger Ebert made a movie with big tits in it. Did he?

Yeah. He made a crazy tit movie. So that would kill them? Well, that was cancer. Years before. Wow. I've never seen the Roger Ebert. Yeah, it's something.

It is a weird... Critics are very weird bird, you know? Because you just... Hey, give me shit and then I'll make fun of it. Yeah. It's very strange. But this is the thing too. It's sometimes people will be like, well, what movie did you make?

Right, right. Well, I didn't make a movie. I'm just telling you this movie, I think stinks. Yeah. It's just my opinion. It's got to win Best Picture for God's sake. So who gives a shit what I think? Oh, wow.

You think it will? Maybe. It won Best Golden Globe or whatever. But I just think it is... It's just such a cartoon that people are like, well, no, that's the... That's the tone. Like I was talking to Sammy. He's like, that's the tone.

It's silly. I'm like, oh, is it? Because everyone's talking like it's this hard hitting thing. I'm like, if it's supposed to be silly and stupid, they nailed that. Yeah. Is it called a comedy? I don't think it is. No.

It's just crazy. Like this woman at one point, spoiler alert, the cops are after that she hates the cops and they hate her and they just wanted to shut up. But then she kicks two teenagers in the genitals and just cuts to the next... It's like lazy writing to me. Yeah. I'm like, there's no repercussion. She just assaulted two teenagers.

There's a fucking monologue about priesthood that is completely doesn't fit in there. I guarantee if you asked him, he'd be like, oh, yeah, I just had this sitting around. I put it in there. No, it so doesn't fit. Right. And then there's a fucking suicide note to every character. A guy can't hear bombs exploding because he's listening to music on his headphones. It's just a joke.

Oh boy. I really hated it. I hated too now. All right. Sorry. Shelby, you're shaking your head. Did you see it? What did you think?

The part about throwing him out the window was what really stood out to me. It's crazy. Yeah. And then he's like a good guy. Yeah, I'm giving away too much. Too much? That's too much. Anyways, I hated it.

Lady Bird, I love you. Call me by your name. Those queers, they really made me cry. I really sapped up and sobbed. Big fan of the homos. Love them. A lot of homo movies are great. The Brokeback was killer.

Call me by your name. And those two are the only two that I could think of. Moonlight, I thought was fine. I thought it was fine, yeah. It was fine. It was a little slow. It was just whatever. Nothing happened.

I didn't care about anybody. But Brokeback, obviously, we've talked about one of my favorite movies a long time. Great love story. My name was my favorite movie of the year, along with Lady Bird. So who knows? What do I know though? You know what I mean? I'm going to get a bunch of people saying, hey, your piece of shit.

Blah, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh. Let's get to some stories. There we go. Boy, it's been a ways, a while, a time. A fortnight. Thank you for score. And several years ago. Yes.

I always thought it was several. Which I thought was weird. Is it seven? Seven. The score is, I think, five or something like that. Or 20. Maybe it's 20 because it was 87 years ago. 20.

Yes. Yeah, it must have been 87. All right. Lincoln. Oh, I saw the post too, which was fine and fun. A little bit of cheese on there. That Spielberg cheese. He likes a little cheddar.

He loves the cheddar cheese. And my friend, Meryl Streep, who owes me some dough. Oh, that's right. Yeah. She's a nigger. Whoa. My God. Is that a neg?

What is a neg? That was a reneg. Reneg is taking it back. Yeah. I think reneg. I'm going to do this and then I don't do it. Right. So I guess she never negged.

No. Well, she didn't say she was going to pay me back. But I think she wanted to. I don't know what happened out there. I thought she said, I'll give you this back. Don't worry. You never know. I said, don't worry about taking it.

Make me happy. Well, you're a victim. I want to talk about the MTA for a moment. The New York City transportation. Little inside baseball here. Well, I mean, we've all traveled. We've all taken the train here and there. But New York City, I think we got to start taking lives.

Choo-choo. I think we got to go around and shoot people in the face. Like really revolt. That's how you get what you need, I think. We got to start a revolution. You say you want a revolution. Yeah, the MTA is ruining everybody. I'm missing spots.

I'm late for this. I'm late for that. Because you take the train every day so you know the routes. So you allot the amount of time, the appropriate amount of time. And then they screw you. And then people go, well, you should have left earlier. But I leave it this time every day and it works. No, it's the worst it's ever been.

I won't harp on it too long. But last night I left the comedy cell. I had a 1155 spot. They were running perfectly on time. I got off stage at 12.10. I tried to run home and see a little bit of Sarah before she goes to bed. She goes to bed, you know, around one, two, depending. So I got to get home, get a little snug, catch up on my day.

It centers me, you know what I mean? Yeah, center. Got to be center. Not necessarily politically. Although I feel like I'm getting closer and closer to the center as these lefties get more and more ridiculous. But that's neither here nor there. That's what the Nugget is. I love Nugget.

Yes. Nugget, please. Actually, okay. What is Nugget exactly? Is that the peanut butter or is it the crunch? What is Nugget? It's the gooey, chewy, sweet stuff that I don't know what it is either. It's some kind of sugary amalgam.

What do you do if you find out there was cum in there? Would you be upset or would you just go, hey, I guess I like cum? I guess I like sugary Nugget cum. All right. Well, you got to see Call Me By Your Name, folks. Yes. Put that Nugget in the peach. It's a peach.

Yeah. Change the giant peach. Cum fruits. I used to get called when I first started doing comedy. It should be a cumquat. What's that you said? Cumquat. What's that?

That's a fruit. Oh, I didn't know that. But I'm saying a peach, if you jizz in it, it should be called a cumquat. That would have been two on the ass, I think. Ah, okay. They cumquat it. They'll jizz on that too. I said it before.

I wouldn't mind a big hot load of my ass. I think it would be nice. All right. Well, it's coming. It would have to be my own, I guess. Bend over. Wait, you want your own jizz? I just feel it feels a little weird to have someone else come on my ass.

But I think I'd like the hot splashdown sensation, you know? I feel like if you transfer the jizz to a receptacle, then put on your ass, it would lose its warmth. Well, what if I cum and heat it up and then you whip it on me? I can do that. It's not bad. All right. Wow, heat it up, cum. I don't have a button for that on the microwave.

See, popcorn defrost. You know, thaw, but never cum. Well, it's got to be in there somewhere. Speaking of hot cum, it's 185 degrees in here. It's so hot. My load, if it was this hot, it would burn my belly button. My balls are on fire. Brutally.

There we go. We got the AC out. I've taken four pieces of clothing off already. AC Slater. So anyways. AC is backwards of a chair. I left last night. How does that make you cool, by the way?

And then him and Jesse started dating, and then she's doing it. I can smell her pussy across the TV. You can't spread those things. She was doing it? Show girls? Yeah, she had her legs spread, and she was so excited. Elizabeth Berkeley. Yeah, I never saw show girls.

I felt uncomfortable seeing Jesse Spano naked. That's what was fun. It was her. It was the childhood girl next door whore. I cared, though. I'd like to see Rebecca Donaldson naked, you know. Lori Loughlin. Yes.

How hot is she in Seinfeld? Yeah. Boy, she's way better. She looks way hotter in Seinfeld. I guess because she wasn't on, like, an ABC family show. That episode, they go to LeCarré d'Abre, which is right across the street. Oh, really? Yeah.

What a pull. Yeah, well, she's pretty hot. I watched the season three opener of Full House when they go to Hawaii, and she's a smoke show. Bikini? Man, I think she's into bikini for a minute. They're in the water, too. And I'll tell you, Stamos is the hottest person I've ever seen in my life.

He came to the cellar like a month ago, breathtaking. Yeah. He's the one hot Greek. I'd like to meet him someday. Oh, I had some Greek yogurt brewing. Gorgeous. We met up. Remember?

Oh, yeah, that's right. I wanted to fuck him that day. Look at it. I got to focus. Full head of hair. I leave the cellar 1210. I run right up over the train. I want to take a cab, but I'm sorry.

I got to save mine. I'm taking too many cabs. Too many cabs. What am I doing? Who am I? You know, Margaret Cho? Yeah. I can't just keep taking cabs everywhere.

It adds up, folks. So I said, I'll take the train. I go downstairs to West 4th Street, and the E is running downstairs right away when you get down. You see all the tape everywhere. There's just orange tape. I hate the tape. There's guys with hats everywhere and flashlights.

When you see a flashlight, you know it's a bad situation. Yeah. And you know those guys, they like to ruin your night. They kind of dig it a little bit because they have a shitty job and you're a fun comedian with glasses and a small mouth, and then you come down and they go, they don't like to tell you right away. You go, so what's going on? They go, huh?

They go, what's up with the trains? No trains. You couldn't have told me that when I came down. They like it. They kind of like it. They relish in it. Some of the people, they relish when they're out of tea too. I say, I have a jade citrus.

They go, out. We're out. Soften the blow and said, hey, what about this or that? Big heart on. You know who never does that? Mick. Thank you, Mick. Love you, Mickie.

Yeah, Mick. So anyways, I get on the train. I say, I'll fuck it. The train, the A train is there. I say, I'll jump it on. I get on the A train. Boom. I'm already moving it, which isn't the train I want, but at least I'm moving in the right

direction. I get it. And so I say, I'll go to 42nd Street. It's a long transfer. It's like a 10 minute walk underground, hot and sweaty and gay, but I say, fuck it. I'll do it. Soften. I'm reading an article.

I'm reading a lot of spicy stuff. I don't realize we get to 42nd Street. It's at Bryant Park, which is a different 42nd Street. That's on 6th Avenue. Now you got to take the 7 or the shuttle. Now I got to take the 7. So I take the 7 out to Queens. Now mind you, it was running on the D line the whole time, so I could have gone off at

Harold Square and transferred there to my end train, which is the train to my home, but I wouldn't realize it was reading a goddamn book. So then I get to the 7. I wait for the 7 for about 20 minutes. I get in the 7. Underground, no service, train stops for 35 minutes underground, no service, one in the morning. I'm sucking my own dick.

It's a pack train. Ah, brutal. Hate it. We finally come up and I still have a transfer to go. That's worse than the Holocaust. I'm still not on the train. I'm still not on the train. I need to be on.

So now I'm waiting. It's 10 degrees. So I say, fuck it. I'll just take a lift. I go downstairs. I take a lift. The lift costs 8 bucks. A cab in the first place would have cost 20 bucks.

So I saved 12 bucks and added 95 minutes to my trip. 1 AM. 1 AM. I got home at 2. And Sarah's sound asleep in her REM sleep, REM. Never cared for that band. They're fine. I appreciate your influence, but I never got into it.

Did you touch her sleeping? Did you get a sleep group in? Did you poke her? No, I do a footspoon, which I think I invented. I rubbed my foot on the bottom of her foot. It's like a little something. She purred. It's nice.

It's sweet. It's sweetness. It's sweet, but no, you're not getting the rock. No nougat. I wasn't centered. Yes. Now I'm going to bed all off center. Malcolm in the middle.

Anyways, that's my story. I'm sticking to it. Fuck the MTA. We should tweet at them and say, hey, suck your own dick, you fucking jerks. Meanwhile, the prices keep going up. Mm-hmm. What I moved here was $84 for a monthly pass. Now it's 112 or something.

Yeah, it's crazy. And they keep getting richer. There's an article about how they're all giving the money to each other. They're just fucking this country. They just fuck you. They take your ass. They spread it open. They put their tongue in there for one moment, and then they stick their whole dick in there.

The tongue part's not bad, but I don't care for the dick. I appreciate the tongue. Yeah, the dick is bad. I don't think RM's that bad, but we'll keep moving. I didn't say bad. I said I wasn't into them. I appreciate their influence. They're a great band, but I just wasn't into it.

That's the end of the world. It's a little whining. As we know it. All right. What's the frequency? Can it? That wasn't my cup. They had a couple.

A couple cringey. Yeah. Everybody heard, Stunk. Outfitty words like blue velvet suits with a huge white scarf. It was the whole thing. Michael Stipe. A lot of fedoras. All right.

We got to get into some story. You want to go? I got some business over here. Well, everything I did was kind of pleasant, so nothing had that horrifying ending, but I have one thing I want to get into. I love pleasant, by the way. Pleasant sound is fun. I feel like for the kids at home, you need conflict or else you have no story.

They like pleasant. Pleasantville. So, you know, it's the holiday time and as we know, it was a weird Christmas holiday New Year time this year with the comedy closed because they all had their Christmas party on the same night. January 8th. Yes. It was Seller, Gotham and State of New York all on a Monday.

Yep. Very strange. You usually get to mix it up. You get the free food at each one. You get the free booze at each one. The whole thing. Uh-huh. But I have a sneaking suspicion that some clubs like that it was all on the same night

and they had to spend less on food and drink. Defer. Yes. Detour. I don't know. Detour. Detour. So, uh, I go, ah, fuck it.

I'm going to the Seller party. It's wrapped up in my house. It's the best one anyway. It's the food's way better and the booze is flowing and I like all those people. You know, you get there. It's like Chris D and Feinstein and Sam and Mackie and DeVito and Vita. It's a great group. So we get there and it was just the spread.

First of all, Popeyes catered it, which was exciting. Tom Papa? Popeyes. Oh, Popeyes. Wow. The cartoon character. And that was one side and the other side was all Italian. So it was like chicken parm, lasagna, fettuccine, all anal, all this stuff.

And the food was outstanding. And I go, I'm just going to hit this party, say hi to everybody, take some photos and get the hell out of there. I got an early flight. Uh-huh. And of course I had a, you know, a couple of whiskies and yada, yada, yada. Go home. Fine.

Good. The whole thing. That was great. Thanks for having us. All right. Let's get in and do it. This is the far three, two, one. Y'all make faces and there's big glasses and scarves and top heads.

I didn't see any of those photos. I saw a stand at New York photo booth, but not a seller photo booth. Oh, they're out there. No kidding. I'd like to see some. Yeah. I took some home. I got, you know, it's that, that vertical poached picture with the four slots.

I love those. I got them on the fridge. Yes. Four slots. Sounds like a family reunion. That was a tough one. Not sure. Sluts.

Sluts. I think, I think I was looking at my aunts. Maybe. Yeah. Your aunts are easy. Not sure. Someone that was one where you just kind of kept going. We didn't even notice it.

Then the people would have been like, I didn't get that, but whatever. But now we're really sitting in a chair. Sorry. Well, I just wanted to understand it. Yeah. All right. Well, so then the next night I got five shows, whatever, doing my shows and I had this one.

Tell me if you come across this one. I had early flight the next day. Well, I got my nights mixed up. All right. All right. I was trying to keep it moving as well. All right. So four shows.

I make it to all of them, but on my second show, I do a joke that's working in my act but it's about cop shooting black people and I'm killing and I do that joke and it hits and there's a lot of black people in the crowd and they're all laughing and there's a woman right next to the stage and she goes, what? And I go, huh? And she goes, you can't make that joke. Oh, what? And I go, what are you talking about?

And there's literally a black woman next to her clapping going, ha, ha, one of those, you know? I love those. Like a church lady. Yeah. Like a lady, you know? Boy, they can really let you know when they like it. Yes.

And she goes, whoop, shower me. Ha, ha, yes. It was a James Brown lady. So I was like, yeah. And I go, look at her. She's loving it. And she goes, nah, nah, nah. You can't do that.

And I go, who the fuck are you to tell me what I can do? Also I was telling jokes about anal and Jews and gays and all that. It was all working, but that one she didn't like. Nope. And I go, who are you? She goes, you just can't do that. Don't ever do that joke again. And I go, it killed.

Look at the woman next to you. She's loving it. You want me to take this joy away from her? And she goes, ah. She won't even, she won't even listen to that part. Like she's just saying, no, it's a no wall. There's no listen. It's up.

The wall is up. So I go, the entitlement, what kind of entitlement do you have where you think you can tell me what I can and can't joke about? She's like, what are you kidding? I'm the good guy here. And that's where the problem lies, my friend, is because she thinks she's a hero. She's not. She's a censor.

She's a fun ruiner. Yeah, you stink. She stinks. Billy don't be a hero. I had like 12 minutes left in my set and I just dedicated the whole thing to talking to her. I'm like, I'm done. Fuck you.

We're going to hash this out. And then she got up and left. Wow. At least she left. She left. I hope she goes home and thinks about her life. Yeah. But then it was that weird thing where like the host was in the back like, what are you

doing? You're pushing people out of my show. Like you're walking people. So I felt bad about that. But I mean, I had to take a stand there, Fatty. Yeah. These people, I don't understand the thing if you can't say that, very strange to me. Very strange.

I don't even feel that way. I'm like, you shouldn't be going to a comedy show. It's not for you. Not for you. But she laughed at everything else and everything else was kosher even though those were taboo subjects as well, quote unquote. Interesting. Very strange.

And I just, it just soured me. And then the rest of the night I was like, I was like opening with that joke just out of anger. Yeah. Very sour. I don't care for her. It worked every other show and it just, it's just a bummer. That's where we're at.

And she thinks she's the hero. That's the sad part. Yeah. That's the delight. I think a lot of these people think they're making a big difference. But they're really just a bummer. That's a bummer. So that was my whole thing.

And I just like, I can't wait to tell people about that and people side with you, but yeah, they're out there, those people. And it's a sad state of affairs. This is a bummer, man. I need a hero. Yeah. I don't like it. Yeah.

Then I, next time I ran to the bonfire. Oh, I'm going there after this. Oh, nice. It's fun. Big Jay and Soter are the funniest guys and they had a great time. It's just fun being in that building. So I run up to the serious building and I'm late. I got to be there at six.

It's like 5.58 literally. I'm getting my, you know, I'm at the front desk with the fat chick, like, come on, baby. Here's the ID. The whole thing. You always forget about that part. They make it tough over there. Yes. It's a whole 9-11 post thing.

You got to take it up the tailpipe. So I get past her. I get through security. I get in the elevator. It's one of those elevators where you push your number in the lobby and the door opens and there's no numbers in the elevator. Right. And so you're in there with 18 people and they all have a, I'm going to 36.

There's a 25 or there's a 29 or there's 34. So you just got to wait for everybody. You finally get to 36. The door opens. Now here's Sirius in an anal here. There's a left side, which is the lobby, and then there's the right side, which is the employee door. Ah.

Now I don't have a badge. No badge. So sometimes that employee door is open because somebody just went in it and it takes a minute to close. Yes. Like MacGyver. It's like Indiana Jones where you got the hats through and you got to slide through to get the hat.

You know, the doors closing. I would prefer MacGyver. All right. Well, MacGyver was fun. So, whatever happened to him? Harry Dean, Stanton? No. He's Dean Anderson.

No, he's alive. Richard Dean Anderson. Richard Dean Anderson. He was a hot fella back in the day. He was hot. Yeah. A lot of the girls really loved him. Serial killer name though.

Oh, because of the three names. Yeah. Mark. Marie Normand. Ah, do you know my middle name? By the way, he does all the, the whole show is just life hacks. You know, you read all these, but these hacks now. Yeah.

That's all the show was. He's like, I got a paper clip, a dildo and a jizz rag and I got to fix this helicopter propeller. It was pretty great. I loved it. Murdock was like the bad guy. His face was all burned. It was pretty great.

I liked it. Very American. Yeah. It was terrific. Yeah. Who came up with that was fucking, what's his name? Fonzie. He was like the big producer.

Henry Wrinkler? Yeah. He invented MacGyver? I don't know if he invented it, but he was the main producer. I think it might have been a created by. Get on there. Pull that up. He was an EP at least.

Wow. He might have created. Man, my God. He did something. He was big into that thing. You sure? The Fonz? I'm pretty sure.

My God. That was like the first name that popped up after the show ended. Hey. All right. Well, we'll get, we'll get on that. Shellfish is on the Wikipedia. It's near the end. We're there.

So. All right. See a slide in the employee door. I see the employee door. It's open. What do you got Shellfish? He had just finished happy days and was looking for something else. I saw him and two other guys created it.

Wow. How'd you pull that out of here? Well, I watched the show a lot religiously. Really? We prayed to him. It's a strange religion. Mecca. MacGyver.

So I get in the employee door and the guy holding it open goes, are you supposed to be going in here? Which never happens. It's seriously a little loosey-goosey. You know, it's Howard Stern. It's XM. It's raw dog. I went in raw.

They're not that serious. No. So I go in raw and the guy's like, what are you doing? I was in a huff and a puff. I'm like, get out of my way, old man. Move it. I'll lose it. So I kick him and he's like, who is that guy?

I can hear him talking to somebody else. Who is that? What's he doing? I just keep running. I'm running on the hallway. I've been there a million times. What the fuck do I care? I've done Opie and Anthony and anal and juice.

So I run past that. Now I'm doing the, you know, jumping up, looking in studio. It's all black people in this studio. I'm like, that's not it. This studio is all Asian. This studio is all Latino. It's all just different stations. It's like a biblical station.

I'm like, oh, that's not it. So finally, some guy goes, you Mark Norman? I go, yeah. He goes, hey, big fan, Tuesday. I go, hey. All right. I go, I'm looking for the bonfire. He goes, follow me.

So I follow him. I go on the bonfire. We're talking. We're doing our whole spiel. We're yucking it up. And somebody just rips the curtain open. Oh, no. From outside and they're pointing at me.

But this is like 20 minutes into it. I've forgotten all about it. Jeez. And it's these two black guys. Oh, boy. So black Lou is the engineer over there. You've got to go talk to them, Lou, because, you know, you speak the language. Black Lou's matter.

Yes. So black Lou goes out there and all you hear is like, ah, ah, ah, ah. Like coming through the door. And those doors are soundproof, folks. So Lou comes back and he's like, you're in trouble, buddy. They think you're like a terrorist. Oh, wow. You're very tan.

I guess. Yeah, I got a turban on. I'm in the middle of a Me Too joke. What are you talking about, terrorists? Come on. So I go up there and they're like, what are you crazy? And the guy shows me a badge. Like, I'm security.

You just ran in here. I could take you to jail right now. And I was like, take me to jail. I'm on the pot fire. What are you crazy? So I had to like smooth it over with them. I give them a few bucks and I get a gift card. And I go back in and finish the segment.

But it was a, it was a tense moment for a minute. Ooh, I burned my gums on my teeth. You didn't swallow it. Oh, yeah. I heard that. But yeah, it was, it was dicey. It was too big guys, you know. So it was a, it was a moment.

But we got through it and I went right back into yucking it up. Wow. I'm going to get there a little early today. Get there early and sign in. Well, that was the other thing. They walked me out of the lobby. They made me sign in. I had to do a whole thing.

Like, where's your car? Cause you get a little, a car. Right. And I threw that away already. I think it's a high rise. They got to keep it kosher or whatever. I guess. And he was a new, new guy.

So he was like trying to, you know, hey, I got to show you who's who around here. The new guys are always an issue. Yeah. They got a bone to pick. Yeah. So I did that and that was fun. And then I flew off to Irvine. Oh Irvine.

But you take it. All right. I'll take over. Well, the night of the party I missed it because the national championship game was on, which really bummed me out. I'm like, yeah, you watch every game all see, you're invested for four months. Yeah. Climax is one big night.

And then everyone has their parties and you're like, come on. That's true. That Monday at eight, eight, eight, the eighth of Jan is a weird time. It's Jews. They put parties whenever they want. They call it a holiday party. That's crazy. Well, I said, you know, I'll watch a little bit of the game.

The game stinks. I'll head to the party and then it was the best game of all time. Oh, really? I missed all that. But what was that? Was it Atlanta? It was Alabama. Alabama.

And keep Jackson die, which I do an impression to keep Jackson every single day of my life. Let's hear it. I just did it. Oh, another. Alabama. All right. It's a pretty good one. There you go.

Oklahoma. Anyway, it's rest in peace. You big fat fuck. KJ. Anyway, so I just got back from Madison, Wisconsin, which as you know, this club, and I don't want to disrespect any club all over the country because I love Ann Arbor's amazing and Acme's amazing. I'd love to get booked there.

That improv wherever we were in Arizona was something else. Tempe, Cap City, Philly Helium. Yeah. All those Heliums are tremendous, but nobody. And I mean nobody except for the Stella, but that's not a road club. Yeah. Nobody is doing it better than Comedy On State in Madison, Wisconsin. My God almighty, that club is getting it right.

They are killing it and you don't have to tell me twice. I did my album there. Yes, you did. So hot. I had five Bachelorette parties at my album taping. Five and they were completely behaved and it went well. Wow. That's a lot of tits.

Lots. What? What do you think? Six? 48 tits. Yeah. As long as it's an even number. You're good.

Yeah. Nancy. Very good. She had breast cancer? No. Who's the other Nancy, the famous one? That would explain a lot. She was rigid.

The woman her husband got shot in the face there. Oh. Reagan. Nancy Reagan. Yeah. She lost her tits, I believe. Is that right? Yeah, I think so.

Just say no. The war on tits. Just say no to tit cans. Anyways, this got too inappropriate, but anyways. Sorry. Hey, hey, folks. A fresh new year has begun and if you're setting new goals for your business, it's extremely difficult to reach them without the right people on your team.

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That's ZipRecruiter.com slash Tuesday. One more time. Try it free. Go to ZipRecruiter.com slash Tuesday. So anyways, we went to Madison. Sarah came with me to feature. She's got tits. They're fine.

Good tits. Great ones. And we went out there and beautiful. It's a hell of a town. Got a little thrown there. Sorry. But we flew and landed. We flew to Chicago.

Every time I go there, I fly to Chicago and drive because Madison is tricky. Really? First of all, Chicago, LaGuardia to O'Hare costs about $11 because it's competitive fairs. Everybody is going to Chicago. It's a big route. Yeah, big market. So you can get a flight for like $120. LaGuardia is eight minutes from my house.

I can roll out of bed and get over there. So I flew to Chicago. We rented a car. Beautiful day. Like everything just went well. The plane was great. The drive was nice. A little rainy.

We get there. And Madison is just a great city. It's like 50 degrees and raining. We check out the hotel. I go upstairs. I shower. I jerk off. I take a dump.

We go outside. It's eight degrees. Drop 40 degrees. How about that? 15 minutes. Never seen anything like it in my life. The shows are just packed. Every show is like sold out except for one or two that were like, you know, ten shy of a cell.

Crowds are hot. Joe, the manager, could not be nicer. Big fan of the pod, by the way. We love you, Joe. Is he the big Greek? He might be a Greek. That's the owner. He's the daughter's or Greek.

Yes. The owner's older or Greek. Yeah. Joe's a big guy. Black, you know, beard, glasses, nice guy. Old black beard. Yeah. He's a pirate.

And the bartenders are fans of the pod. The whole staff, great staff, killer staff. Anna and Eve couldn't be nicer. Tuesdays. Hotel was great. Across the street, the green room in this place. They got a 60-inch screen TV. It's a huge TV.

They got a Nintendo, the little portable thing with all the games on there. You don't want to go on. It's unbelievable. The Patriots played. They won by a lot. Just an unbelievable weekend of shows. I got to say what's up to Sincere Life, our best pal. Biggest fan.

His first name is Craig, by the way. I learned his name. I hope that's all right that I'm saying that. Same as Ice Cube. Is that right? He's a Craig. No kidding. Yeah.

I don't look that up. I think there's a lot of black Craigs. There's Roger Craig. That's the last name, though. Yeah. Craig. Craig. I don't know any black Craigs.

Craig Killborn. Yeah. Craig is strange. Why don't you just go with the Greg? I don't know. Craig sounds too Craig. It's a little harsh. It's crunchy.

It's crunchy. But anyways, he came Thursday, Friday and Saturday. What a supportive fellow we appreciate. I think he's doing stand up now, too. Is that right? I believe so. That's what I heard. I heard the rumor.

But anyways, so he comes out Thursday. We chat. I give him a download card. I sign it. The whole thing. We have a big hug. Great time. Then the next day, he comes back to the show.

They got him sitting in the front row. Well, he's VIP. And so I'm sitting there. But he went to take a piss or whatever it was. So I'm into my act about three minutes. And this is Wisconsin. So he's the only black guy for about 9,000 miles. I'm on stage.

And then he comes walking up. And I recognize him. He's a buddy. So I go, what the fuck? They put you in the front row. And then he laughs. And then I start moving on from the act. And I realize it's a weird feel in the air.

And I go, why is this? What happened here? And I realize, oh, they don't know. I know him. And I was talking to him last night. And we're friends. So they just see a black guy walk up. I go, what the fuck are you doing in the front?

And I got a big laugh. I addressed it. That was the biggest laugh of the whole. I couldn't follow it. Joe, you can't make jokes like that. It was a big laugh. Well, it didn't feel weird to see a black guy. I'm like, what the fuck are you doing up front?

You a piece of shit? Yeah. Yeah. You don't have a section. How do you call them a piece of shit, of course. I don't like being dismissive of all the black people in Wisconsin. There's plenty of black people in Wisconsin.

Sure. It's got to be at least 10, 12. At least. Come on out, folks. But anyway, so it's great to see him and a lot of Tuesdays. But we had a real incident on Saturday late show. Late show of the weekend. I want to be respectful because it's a fan.

And they reached out and apologized the whole thing. Oh boy, like a Z's. But I'm doing the show. And it's the least best show of the weekend, by the way. Late show set. Late show Saturday. And at a club like that, when I say least best show, it means they're not howling, laughing at every show.

It's pretty good. Right, which would be a good show in Albany. It would be the best show at any other club. It's like that kind of club. That's how good this club is. You get spoiled over there. Every show was killer. We sold three out, which was fun.

So many Tuesdays, gift cards, the whole works. But I'm doing the show. I'm around 38 minutes in. And I look down. There's a guy and a gal in the front row. And the woman, she starts to look a little strange in the face. A little queasy? A little queasy.

And now her man that she's with is sitting in front of her and he's shouldered up to the stage. So he has his back completely to her. So she turns and I hear her say, I have to go to the bathroom. Oh god. Which is never normal. You don't usually hear someone say out loud, I have to go to the bathroom.

Sure. So I just kind of look down. Like that's interesting. And then she's turned to get out of her chair and she's holding the two chairs next to her. So I'm like, well, something's wrong here. But I'm not ready to push the panic button. All right.

No panic. Then she stands at just like a half a stand and falls back down into her seat. Oh, not good. So now I say something is really wrong here. She does a second. Oh, man. Get up.

Falls back down again. So now I just stopped the show. We got an issue here, folks. Full show stop. I got a full show stopper. An FSS. Yes. SS.

So I say, hey, we got a hold up here. By the way, sincere is back in the front row again. Weird. She's unnerving because I'm the same job trying to think of new jokes just for him. He's at every show. Not every show, but all three nights. Wow.

Andy gave him a download card. That's a lot of lists. And so I'm trying to think of new things in the fly just for him. Right. Yeah, you're like, nice. You sitting up here? I have a nice feeling to try to be like,

I got to work for the love. But anyway, so I go, well, we got an issue here. And now she's trying to get up. And one woman next door, like a innocent bystander, she goes, maybe she's choking. I thought she was having like an aneurysm. Because she couldn't stand up. And she was a young, lovely gal.

A little rickety. But she couldn't quite stand up and was doing like a. Oh. And I was like, oh, God, she's dying. I was like, I thought she was choking and having a heart attack or an aneurysm. So I go, hey, folks, we might need a thing here. I don't know.

Are you all right? Is this all right? And then she kind of gets up. And then she starts walking all wobbly need. Oh, boy. Then there was a moment that I thought she just had polio or something. And I'm like, oh, now I'm just pointing out a handicap person.

Oh, yeah. She might have been retarded or something. Yeah. That's what I thought for it. I was like, hey, that's the retard up here. Because she had wacky knees, you know. Uh-huh. Maybe she was jiving.

No, no, she had. It looked like she had like, you know, forest gump if he never got the braces or something. Oh, like when he's hanging out with Elvis. Yes. Hanging from the tree. So he said, I said, are you all right? What can we do?

What can we do here? And then she just heard, like a throw up. But I think nothing came out. It was like a real situation. It was a heave. It was a dry heave. Heave ho. Why she wasn't a ho?

Oh, OK. Very sweet gal. I had a man. And heave prude. So I said, we got some problems here, folks. I don't know what to do. Blah, blah, blah. And then the guy got, I mean, he kind of, like,

helped her along. And then she, I felt bad. She was like, I'm so sorry. And I was like, it's OK. We've all been there. You're good. I tried to be really kind, you know. Yes.

A kind bar. And then I said, hey, don't forget the coats. And then he came back and grabbed the two coats. He was like, thanks. Oh, that's fun. Great show. And I was like, is everything good? He's like, not really.

Straight out to the bathroom. And I was in the middle of a shit joke. So I was like, I hope the shit joke didn't make her throw up. And I had to throw a few lines out there. I was trying to be thoughtful and kind. But also, you got to get some laughs. What would you say? Like, oh, my act isn't that bad.

Oh. Yeah, it was like one of those things. I'm like, boy, the shit joke. Blah, blah, blah. I had to go back into the shit joke. And I had to do a full on, like, come on, guys. Let's get it back. We can do it together, this whole thing.

Any news? I mean, did she report back? I got some news. So they called the paramedics. They didn't charge her for the ambulance ride. What happened was, I guess she had an, because she reached out. The guy and lady both reached out and their fans.

Wow. But she had an edible. Oh, boy. No food, three energy drinks. Oh, my God. What a combo. What is she, white trash? What's she eating here?

We had an edible and three bowls, three red edibles. And so I think she had a bit of a panic attack. It was more of a panic attack, empty stomach. Blah. And like a whiskey maybe, too, or something. Jesus, quite a diet. So she kind of lost her shit for a minute, but she was enjoying the show.

I felt bad for the young lady, but it was really scary because I really did. I thought she was having, like, an aneurysm or a thing. If I knew she was just high, I wouldn't have stopped the show. Yeah. But I was like, I don't want this person to die in front of me. It goes to show you, kids. You really want to get fucked up,

get an edible, three red bowls, and a whiskey. Yeah, but don't sit in the front row of a comedy show, because... No, not unless you're sincere life. They got cookie, but they took care of her, and, you know, she's all good. She reached out and they apologized real soon. I said, don't worry, I've been there.

I've had panic attacks and I've thrown... I got sick during a Dane Cook show years ago. What a nice druggy. What do you mean? You know, she was on drugs and still apologized later. Like, that takes a lot. Yeah, it was really sweet. I mean, they're nice people.

I mean, just everyone's so nice out there. Who is nice there? It's weird. But I got food poisoning at a Dane Cook show back in, like, before I opened for her. Must have been, like, 02. Mmm. Because I was drinking.

I was young. I think I was underage, but I was drunk, but I also had food poisoning. I got sick in the middle of the show, right in the middle of the Dane Cook show. I was like, I gotta go to the bathroom. I was going to the bathroom and I couldn't hold my puke, so I went to cover my mouth.

As I entered the bathroom, it hit my hand and shot off my hand and, like, landed right in the guy's face on his shirt. And this is like Boston, bro. He was like a drunk guy, like a nightclub, and he was like, what the fuck? And I was like, I'm sorry. And he was like, this fucking guy,

these people can't hold their alcohol. And I felt so bad because I wanted to be like this. It's food poisoning. It's not alcohol. I've had two drinks. Right. I was in the stall and I was just throwing up. I was dying.

I was like doing a big, hurly, burly, crazy throw up. And I hear the guy. Someone's like, what's up with your shirt? He's like, some fucking piece of shit puked on. I want to fucking kick his ass. And I was in the stall. So I'm like, I felt like Lloyd Christmas. Yeah, you're hiding from Seabass.

It was scary. And then they wouldn't leave, but I had to get out of there. So I just opened the door and faced him. I was like, I'm really sorry, man. I got food poisoning. I'll buy you a drink. I'll give you money.

And he was like, ah, don't worry about it. So I really faced him. Good for you. And he was nice. You faced him. I apologized. Then I had to go back down to my car and just wait. I kept throwing up in the garage.

My friend, my best pal, Derek, got Dane to sign a ticket. And Dane wrote, Joey, you're a dragon. Because he had a whole bit about how when you're throwing up, you're kind of like a dragon. Oh, he personalized. Dane was very personal and funny. So it was pretty neat.

So that was kind of fun. I still have that autograph ticket. What was the grub? Grub. What did you eat? I don't know. I don't know what it was. McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's.

I don't eat well. Didn't he have an album called Hard to Swallow or Puking or something? That was an article about him. No, it was called Harmful of Swallow. That's what I was like. Damn, I was looking for that joke the whole time

when I couldn't think of his album. Yes. But anyway, so she was fine. But that was bad. I got to tell you about a few run-ins. I did the meet and greet and sold some digital download cards, which I hadn't been doing for a long time. But those hot shows, they really buy them up, which is nice.

We got to thank the Jews who came out to Poughkeepsie. Oh, Poughkeepsie. We drove up to Poughkeepsie with Scopo. Had a great little ride. We did a Queef, which will come out eventually. And we sold shirts. Some weirdos like, hey, bring some shirts. I brought a duffel bag.

We must have sold 10 shirts or five. It was really something in that Queef will be out as soon as we're done editing Scopo completely out of it. Yeah, he's a downer. He stinks. Just kidding. Scopo did a great job on the show. He killed.

He's a great driver. He killed. I killed. You killed. I thought it was kind of tough sledding, to be honest with you. It was 30 people there. Yeah, that was a little kooky. It's post-New Year's. No way there's any money. Yeah, it was tough. But great club up there.

Go check that place out, too, if you're in the area. You got a great comedy happening at Mahoney's in Poughkeepsie. Yeah. So don't check out the club. And I think that poor guy's taking a bath on most of the shows. He didn't do well on us. I can't imagine. We had about nine people and we got paid eight grand each.

Paid handsomely. Thanks, Joey. So he's taking care of the Joey? Did you say Joe Mahoney's? Joe Mahoney's. Isn't that what you said? Mahoney's is the name of the bar. Joe's the manager of the comedy on stage.

That guy's name is Curley. Something. Yeah, something. Dean, maybe. Bubba. MacGyver. I don't know. Either way. Murdock. Great guy.

Thank you, Murdock. Hell of a show. No, check it out. It's a great club. You have great comedy right there. Yeah, we love you. If you're up in the area. But anyway, so I did the meet and greet and Sarah stands with me.

So Sarah got to witness all of this, which is you get some real fucking characters. It's fascinating that you can do a show and you kill in the crowd as great as a unit. You're like, you guys are so nice. Then you start meeting them individually and you're like, these people are fucking out of their minds. All kooks. We had one woman. This woman was a fucking, I don't use this word lightly, a fucking cunt. Really?

Of a lady. Coos. No, I shouldn't say cunt. I take it back. She might be listening. Not a cunt. That's why I'm taking it back. I'm afraid of her husbands.

She comes out. I do the five head joke, you know? Yeah. Which I'm not even doing in my act anymore, but I threw it back in for sincere because I'm like, I got to give this guy something. So I'm like cycling jokes back in that you can't remember. You know, you're doing a joke. You're like, I don't even know how this goes.

I'm doing it for one guy. I know you try to get back in the rhythm of it in your head, but you can't do it. Yeah. And I'm like, I think I say the n-word at some point. What's the word? I can't figure this out. Well, that'll be for him. Boy, he's black.

Oh, jeez. Well, I'm trying to fill time here. All right. Well, trying to crack wise. Well, we're going to have to fill more time because we're going to cut that out. Oh, come on. I wasn't bad. I'm joking.

All right. I'm joking, too. It's a back and forth. I can't figure out where we're at anymore, but we're going to edit the whole thing. This will be a 10 minute episode. Scopo, we love you. Yeah, Scopo. Keith Jackson died.

Thank you, Murdock. Oh, no, no, no. But... Henry Raycler is the producer. Hell of a producer. Hell of a fun fag. You pulled out of your reign all there. That was impressive.

Better producer than actor with the elbow bump. I never bought it. Elbow bump. That was an elbow bump. That's his move and the thing. Happy days. Remember, he bumped the thing and the music would play. Oh, the jukebox.

I never get it. Jukebox. Juke. Oh, juke. I thought you meant juicebox. You know, I liked it. Sometimes he kicked it. Oh, is that right?

Yeah. I thought it was pretty good. He has an office, was in the bathroom. Come to my office. I never saw an episode. What? I saw some highlights or Lola, whatever you want to call it. I saw the Buddy Holly video.

That was fun. Yeah. I like that. It's weird to have a show in the 70s about the 50s. Yes. Very strange. But I guess we had that 70s show in the 90s. Yeah, all kinds of weird shit like that.

Very strange. I never saw that show either. But anywho. So this woman comes up. I do the five hedge. I got a big forehead, yada yada. This woman comes up after drunk. And you know how you can see the people?

You want to say this. You go, I saw you from 100 yards away and knew you were going to be a nightmare. Your whole group. Yes. So she comes up and she's like, five heads. Look at his big head. You do have a big head. It's bigger in person.

I'm like, so you're just insulting me. Yeah. And then she walks up. She shakes my hand. She won't let go. She's pulling it in. And then she's putting her hand on my head. She's like slapping my forehead.

Whoa. And like her hand. That's a salt. This is battery. Yes. Both. A salt and battery. As well as battery.

So she's like putting her hand on my head. She's like, boy, it is big. She's like, I'll take a photo. But knock your, hold your head back. So your head doesn't look so big, your big head. And she's still holding my hand. Ugh. Just insulting me and touching my face.

Yeah, I don't like it. I'm like, this is insane behavior. Yes. Why are your hands on me? I'm with you. I couldn't stand it. I hated it. Did you hit her?

Didn't hit her. I just went, oh, yeah. I just grin and bear. What's nice is when you meet and greet is right next to the elevator. So you can kind of elbow like Fonzie. Yes. The button, the elevator pops.

You just dive in there. Right. It's like the last chopper out of fucking Vietnam. I like it. Day palm in the morning. But anyways, Robert Devoe. So she sucked. I hated that woman.

Then there was a crazy drunk lady. She comes up. I do a whole spiel about it. I'm like, this is my album. So don't just take this. It's 10 bucks. Yes. The lady walks up and she's just like pie.

But she seems normal. She's talking very softly. She's like, hey, I'm going to, I'll take this. Thank you. And I was like, well, it's 10 bucks. And Sarah's there. So Sarah's like, it's 10 bucks. So she starts walking away.

And Sarah's like, oh, no, no, no. That's money. I was like, that costs 10 bucks. She's like, yeah, 10 is not too much. Oh, wow. She keeps walking. I go, no, no, no. I go, no, you owe me 10 bucks.

She's like, yeah, 10 dollars is not much. And then she turns around and I go, no, no, no. You've got to give me 10 dollars. And she's like, yeah, 10 dollars is not much. I don't get her thought process. I think this is my best guess. I think she thought you bring it home, plug it into the computer, and then you owe 10 bucks.

Interesting. That's what I can think. But it went back and forth. It was like a fucking Abbott and Costello routine. Yeah. And it was both Sarah and I were like, no, no, no. You give us 10 bucks and then take this. She's like, great.

10 bucks is not much. She said that 20 times. What a nut. Very odd. And I was like, no, no, you give me 10 dollars now. Yeah. Then you take that. Then you have the album.

And she's like, I've had a lot of wine. Ha. And then eventually she's like, oh, all I have is one. So she pulled out her wallet and it was like four one. She's like, I got, I don't have enough ones. I go, that's okay. Thank you. And I kind of took it from her.

Yeah. Then she went back into the showroom to like find her friends. And then when they came back, she like had her hood up over. She kind of like ducked out. She was so embarrassed. I felt bad for her. There's a lot of cookie broads in this town. Very cookie broads.

And then we had a gay gentleman who was like a flamboyant guy. He comes right up to Sarah. He goes, I love you. Hugs her, kisses her on the face and just like holds her in. He's doing like a swing hug. Then he comes over to me. He's like, you're getting one too, baby. And he gives me a long, big hug.

I'm like, what is all this physical contact? I'm not a puppet. I'm not your little bitch to play with. I'm not an action figure. And why are you just kissing people on the face? Right. This is insane to me. Wow.

Very strange behavior to me. I don't like it. And if I know you, I'm happy to hug. I love a hug. I like to spread love. It's the Brooklyn way. But this just strangers hugging and kissing is goofy to me. And then he blew her kiss too.

It's a weird entitlement thing. Like, you're the performer. You're the comedian. I can have my way with you. I don't know why I'm making everyone gay. But you know what I'm saying. Oh, he was gay. But I get a lot of this shit after a show is like,

we're getting a photo. And like, just how about an ask? Yeah. It's weird to just be like pointing at me and going, this is what's going to happen. You're taking one with me. You're taking a photo. Come here.

Come here. I'm like, I'm still a person. Yeah, it's very strange. Talk to me. I have to say, most people say, hey, do you mind if I take a photo? Sure. They're really nervous and nice. And so many great people there.

There was a Legion of Skank slash Tuesday's fan. He was really funny. And I totally, because he almost got thrown up on by the woman. He was like, she was coming right for me. And I was like, well, I guess she had some edibles. He's like, that's funny. My edibles worked fine. I was like, that's funny.

Yes. Nice guy. Funny guy. We took a lot of photos and people were so fucking nice. It was so sweet. What a great city. Great week. I wish they were all that nice.

Yeah. Three days, no media, perfect hotel, big screen TV, hot crowds. They police the room. They just, they treat you right and paid very well. It was just amazing. Beautiful. No check spot. No check.

No checks. They do checks after. Amazing. Man, I got to get back in there. Yeah, it's unbelievable. It's the best. If you live anywhere near there, drive to Madison. Go check out the best club.

And I think nobody believes you when you tell them. They think that you're saying this all over the country. They're like, oh, yeah, yeah, we've heard of them. They're like, no, seriously. And then you tell the audience, because they've only been to that club. Right. So they're like, oh, sure, what's so great about this, man? Oh, you don't have to say that to us.

I'm like, no, no, I'm telling you. You guys have access to the best club. What do you think it is? Why are they the best laughers? Why are they giving up the most of the quietest, nicest supportive audience? Well, they train the... First of all, they have no gimmick. There's no Dustin Diamond.

There's no Mick Foley. Oh, that helps. They're bringing in great comics. Like, you look at the posters. It's like, you know, Sean Patton and... April Gatsy. Rory Scoble. Chad Daniels.

You, me, Kramer the Butler. Yeah, Chad's coming up soon. There's no Stevo. There's no Tom Green or whoever the fuck. Yeah, there's no shitty fucking acts and hacks. Michelle Wolf. We got to name some women for God's sakes. Women are funny.

Michelle Wolf is there and... The other guy. Who's the minority guy? Michael Jay was just there. Jay's coming up there. February 9th and 10th, I believe. There you go. He's black.

Oh, boy. We're struggling here. We don't know where they book. Harry Condobola's poster was there. He's something. Who else was up there? Margaret Cho had a poster. She's still doing it.

She's an Asian woman. Another old poster. Wow, big age. Who else? It doesn't matter. Biggest comic is one reason. Then they start the show right on time. There's none of this like,

we're going to give it 20 minutes to start. They train the eyes to be there. And then they give Joe, the manager, he does like, we'd love to kick you out. We do not give warnings. If you heckle, we'll be thrown out. Speaking of which, I got heckled. I got to give me 20 bucks.

What? He heckled me a couple times and walking out. He goes, thanks for putting up with my shit. He hands me a 20. I go, thank you. I'll take it. That's how it should be. You pay for the heckle.

Yes, give me 20 bucks. You can all heckle me if you give me 20 bucks. That's a bonus. It was a very strange heckle too, but I don't want to see them here or there. But they do that. They police the room. They say, we're going to kick you out if you don't talk.

Also, it's just nice people. And the club looks nice. That matters. It's clean. The rugs are clean and nice. The staff is beautiful and dressed. And they have a guy in a suit greeting you. It's in a nice, beautiful building.

They take pride. Yes, they take pride. It starts from the bottom up to the bottom and down. Whatever the saying is, if you take care of every aspect, the audience, they feel it. They get in there. Right.

All right. Well, that answers that. Good Yelp review. And you treat the comics well. The comics want to be there. They want to do well. They want to come back. Here, here.

Some place you're in a condo in this nine where you're like, I don't give a shit about this place. Fuck it. Yeah. All right. Good answer. I'll take it. I love a good answer.

No one gives you good answers anymore. Well, I try to give good answers. I appreciate the answer. And good head. Appreciate the head. Hey, folks. You know what's fun to do? Mark, you know what's fun to do, don't you?

I like to gamble. I like to gamble, too. You do it more sexually, but that's probably weird. That's true. I gamble many a time. And a good cock fight. Yes. Which I guess is sexually.

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Teddy. Yes. How about those Saints? What a loss. Oh. Well, I got to say, speaking of good clubs, I went to Irvine, California. This is another club. This is one of the greats.

Everybody wants to work there because it's like paradise. So I landed LAX and they say, do you want to Uber to the club, which is like an hour and a half, or because it's Irvine, which is like a suburb of LA. Right. Or do you want to rent a car? And I go, well, how much is the car? And I go, we'll pay for the car.

Oh. So I go, give me the car. Oh, that's great. So you get a free rental car. Yes. So they're already there taking care of you. I just get off that plane at $3.30, jump to dollar rental, get my can.

I love a Toyota Camry. Oh, for me. Nice middle of the road. Giz. Hit the 405 out to Irvine. And, you know, already I got snow coming off my back. I got dandruff. I'm taking my sweater off.

It's all, it's just sunshine. Sunglasses going on. Already you're in a better mood because it's the bomb cyclone over here and out there, it's, you know, sunshine and an anal. Yes. So I'm flying down the 405. Boom.

I hit traffic. Hey, it's LA. Takes me like two and a half hours to get down there. Finally you get there. You get to Irvine. It's just all cement. I mean, it's just like all big buildings and it's just clean and it's like a mall, the whole city is a mall.

Yeah. And the Spectrum Center, which I thought was a little offensive to the autistic folk. It's all at the Spectrum Center, but they got like a cheesecake factory, a PF Changs, the whole spiel. Yes. You see a Daven Busters, the Irvine Improv, which is huge, beautiful club.

And I look up, it's like Bill Burr, Norm MacDonald, David Spade, like they have big guys coming. Yeah. I only got in because somebody dropped out. I'm thinking Stevo. Oh boy. If I had to guess. Well, they didn't go to Madison.

No, can't get in there. So I'm like, hey, fuck it. I'll take the weekend. I promoted the balls out of it. Like I did Legion of Skanks and Bonfire and Jim and Sam. So we actually had a pretty good turnout and the food is killer. The openers were great. Everybody was super nice.

The staff is top notch. Killing all weekend. Wow. It's so good. And every day I'd wake up, I'd get drunk at the club, then I'd wake up and I'd just drive to Laguna Beach. Oh, what's my honeymoon there? What?

What's my honeymoon? Oh, it's so pretty. So pretty. It's like a fucking fake town. It's like a set. The cute little streets with all the shops and everything. Everybody's attractive and shirtless. Honeymoon.

And speaking of which, I just dropped my wedding ring. I'm gonna get it. You keep going. That's a sign. I'll be back. All right. So then I get sloppy. I do some day drinking in Laguna.

I'm out there alone, which is kind of sad. I hope the lady could come. No honeymoon for me. I'm back. And then you do the show again. So you get this day glow from the sun all day. You go to the club and it's like killer shows. Then the next day I wake up and I go, I'm gonna see Huntington Beach.

Go to Huntington Beach. It's a little more gritty. Hulk Hogan. There's guys on bongos. There's dudes working out. There's gays on rollerblades and a thong and all that shit. Everybody's doing weed and skateboarding. Any of them eating peaches?

No peach fucking. Come peach. No kumquat. And then you lay out all day. I got in the water. It was freezing. I'm just in the ocean. I'm in the Atlantic Ocean.

Then you go do shows again. Pacific. Pacific. Sorry. I gotta be more specific. Then you go do shows. You pig out. You have a great time.

And then we drove to Newport Beach for a little night life. Me and the opener Grant Cotter, funny guy. All right, Grant. Yeah, we go to Newport Beach and it was a foggy night. And it's just nightclubs as far as the eye can jizz. And the nightclubs are on the ocean. That's nice. It's very strange.

It's all foreign to me. I can't believe people live there. Yeah, a lot of people. You go there and visit. You're like, this is paradise. And then somebody's like, that's my house. So it's just beautiful people dancing. And everybody's young and tan and fat and gay.

And you can't wrap your head around it. And then I get back on Sunday and bomb. Big bomb. Bomb. I bomb. Killing all week. I'm getting meet and greets. People at Tuesdays coming up to these shaken photos.

The whole thing hugs, kisses. People love us. Wow. Sunday, I died. Where? In Irvine. Irvine. Wow.

We ran out of Tuesdays, I guess. I guess so. It was like Sunday, maybe. And at Monday off, so like old people came out. And I'm doing, you know, Jew jokes and jizz and fecal matter and flatulence. And they are just not having it. And I was cocky, too. So that made it worse.

And I did like a couple of things where I go, okay, well, I guess that's, uh, that joke's over. You know those moments? Yeah. I know those moments. Man. And it also bags the feature and the host killed. I think because they're a little more lighter.

Right. You know, I'm going out there with like some East Coast edge. Ah, yes. Over here talking about Me Too and Black Lives Matter and all that shit. ECE. They don't like it. And boy, that was a sad way to leave the weekend. Oh, that's too bad.

Yeah. Yeah, that was tough. So then, you know, I started hitting the sauce pretty hard. Because I'm hurting emotionally. And, uh, you know, you do the whole thing where you talk to the, thanks to the owner and they were so nice all weekend, but you could tell that last set, they were kind of like, what happened out there? Yikes.

Yeah, I've had those. It's like I was a hot girl. Then the last night I gained four pounds and had a wheelchair. Well, four's not too bad. Well, maybe 20. Yeah, 20's bad. 20 and lost a tit and I was in a, I patch and. Reagan.

So, uh, yeah. So it's just, I know. So, yeah. So then I started drinking a bunch and then I realized, oh man, it's about midnight now. My flight is at 7 a.m. in L.A. And I got to drop off the rental car. So I, you start to think I got to get a, I got to leave the hotel by 4 30, get to the rental car place by 5 30 so I can get to the airport for six.

So you got to wake up at four and now it's one and now I got a buzz on. And I've eaten 13 cookies because I'm at the double tree and they give me free cookies. That's the Hilton's they take care of you. Oh, yeah. So many cookies and they just hand them to you and they're warm. Yes. So now I got a belly full of cookies, a belly full of booze and a belly full of sadness. Ah.

So I'm just laying in bed. I'm watching Into the Wild. Have you seen that? Have I seen it? It's my favorite book. It's my number one favorite book all time. The movie's great as well. Good movie.

Although the book is much better than the movie for several reasons. Play them on me. Well, one reason is that the movie is written and shot from a point of view of like this guy is a hero. He's a heroic guy. Ah. But the book really brings up like he's kind of a fucking idiot. He's kind of shitty to his family.

Yeah, shitty to his family. He's a big moron. There's ways to have done this to not estrange your family and be an idiot. Like he could have survived. He should have survived. Yeah. He's like this dumb 20 year old cubris-y kid that was like I want to go live in Alaska and you're like, you know, there's ways to pull this off.

Right. So the book is written by what? John Crackauer. John Crackauer, who's my favorite author. All right. So he wrote it. So it's a fictional thing. What do you mean?

Because the guy who died was McCandless. Yes. Christopher McCandless. Yes. So who's that? That's a real guy. So it's about him. Yes.

The book is about him. The movie's about him. But the movie, you know, flowered it up a little bit. Yeah. But how did he write the book? How did he know about this kid? What do you mean? Well, he just studied it.

You know, you research. Oh, he studied it. Okay. There's books about fucking Lincoln too. I feel like so biographical. Well, I think he was writing letters and stuff. All the letters. And then, like, with investigation, that's why I like the book.

It's, like, very investigative. He bought his last thing here. He worked at this McDonald's. He went there. Then he checks in here. And he's writing stuff down. He's leaving a footprint, you know. Got it.

Well, thank God he wrote the book. His parents didn't know where the fuck he was. Very sad. It's extremely sad. And he had a lot of great points, like his feelings and emotion. By the way, Eddie Vedder did the album, of course. I know. It's a killer album.

But his candy. He had some great points and feelings and ideas. He just didn't execute them so well. But the book is really great. Because it has all the, this guy is a beautiful man and searching for the truth. It has that. But it also has the, like, this is where he fucked up.

He fucked up here. What the fuck there? All right. So it's a pretty amazing book. And my ex-girlfriend has my copy. And I'm gonna go see her this week. And I'm gonna try to get it from her. This son of a bitch.

We're in Denver, folks. Yes, we are. All right. So I watched Into the Wild drunk. I had a little teary-eyed thing going on. Now it's 3 a.m. I got an hour to get to sleep. Falsy for like an hour.

The fucking alarm goes off. I wake up. I run downstairs, haul ass to the LAX. It's a beautiful morning. You know, it's got that dawn look in LA. And I'm just getting that beach air. And I'm hauling ass. I get to LAX.

Drop the rental car off. It's a whole thing. You know, they gotta walk around the car. See if you scratched it. Hate the drop-off. I never get the insurance. And I've never had a scuff. Yeah, be careful.

You get it? I get it. I'm not insured. Well, now you have money. They can take that money. Oh, really? If you don't have money, you're like, well, what are you gonna do?

Fuck you. But now you have money. They can seize that money, I believe, if you fucking wreck the car. I feel like if you don't have money, they can get the money. Where are they gonna get it? Well, you gotta make it.

You gotta pay. You gotta jail. That's how money is. Nah, I don't think so. I think you're just in debt and you go, I don't have any money. That's what I've heard. No.

But they can take you to claims court and shit. Yeah, never hear about big claims court. I guess that's just court. That's just regular court. The small claims and the claims. Yeah, all right. I finally get there and I got a flight at 7. I get through security.

I got clear. I'm clear. Ah, clear's good. You got clear? I don't have the clear yet, but I see the clear. The problem with clear is they don't have it at every hub. Right, then you're paying and you don't get it. You're paying and you don't get it,

but when you get it, I mean, this line was comically long. It was like a serpent. Ah, it was funny. And yeah, so I go into the line and I was like, what am I doing? I see the clear guy and I go up to him and he goes, oh, you're clear

and you do the fingerprint. He walks to the front of line. It's like Disneyland. Oh, that's fun. You feel like an asshole, though. You're walking past people with kids and pregnant whores and all these people and you're like, sorry, I'm clear.

And they put you right up in between. They just kind of push the guy out of the way and they put you right there and they hand you two bins. Nah, I'm hearing I'm clear. And clear. So, yeah, I go through. I get there a little early.

I pop two Tylenol PM and two melatonin. Jesus, for a six-hour flight? Five-hour flight? Six-hour flight, yeah. Well, going east, it's shorter. I guess maybe it was five. But still, I'm like, I only got an hour and a half sleep. I'm hitting the hay here, folks.

Oh, boy. So I go to bed right when that puppy, they close the door. I'm out and I got two guys next to me and I wake up about three hours in and the guy goes, dude, I'm dying. He's been trying to get past me. Oh.

And I wasn't waking up and he was like nudging me and I wasn't waiting. He was like, seriously, hey, man, you gotta let me through. He's a lane. Yes. So I let a lane through.

He goes, I feel like, oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And I just go right back out and I wake up, we're landing and that was it and now we're back out in the freezing. Cold. Well, that's not too bad.

Right now, it's like 30 and I'm going swimming later. Yeah, exactly. So what do you got this weekend? Well, we gotta wrap it up here. I wanna give a quick and hardcore shout-out to John and Sarah and Madison. They made a big batch of chocolate chip cookies.

Whoa! And jam. We had a little jam, but we were afraid to fly with us. We had just a taste of the jam. The jam tasted great. You did great, Sarah, with no H. Jam sesh.

And John made us, all day they spent making chocolate chip cookies and they brought it up for the whole staff. Wow. There was a staff bin and a regular Joe and Sarah bin and we ate the fuck out of them and they were delicious.

So thank you guys. I'm so grateful for all the kind and thoughtful people. Big show coming up in Boston, everybody. You heard me, Beantown. Me and Gary Vita were co-headlining the hideout in Boston on February 13th. There's a link up there.

I tweeted it. I'll put it on Facebook and tweet it again. Or hit me up. Message me. The hideout in Boston. February 13th. It's Valentine's Day Eve.

So beat the traffic. Bring your girl out to the hideout. Come see Gary Vita and I. It's the day after the beanpot. We're going to the beanpot and then we're going to go and do a show at the hideout. So come to that.

I'm going back to Key West. February 15th and 16th with Sarah and then where else am I going to be? I'm doing Carolines with Michelle Wolfe. That'll be fun. Oh, really? March 8th through the 10th

Ann Arbor Comedy Showcase. April 5th to 6th and 7th. Oh, and this is big news. You're going to want to know about this, folks. The stress factory has been moved. This is a double booked situation. All right. That's how they get you.

February 8th, 9th and 10th. It's now the next weekend. It's no longer Super Bowl weekend. It's now February 8th, 9th and 10th. No more Star Wars. I got Greg Stone instead. Ouch. He's great.

One of my favorites. So February 8th, 9th and 10th is the stress factory now. So please come out to that. It's one week later and I assume we'll be celebrating a New England Patriots Super Bowl championship. Number six.

I love you and comedian Joe List and write nice things to us. We're very sensitive people. Please. And yeah, good to have you. Thanks for coming out, everybody. I'm at Charlie Good Nights in Raleigh.

Hot dog. What is that? North Carolina? North Carolina. Take your shirt off. Take your shirt off. Then I'm at Dr. Grins, Grand Rapids and Heal Him in Buffalo.

Then Heal Him in Philly. What a run. Comedy Zone Charlotte. That's a big room. Help me out here, folks. In the south. I'm a southern or two. Laughing Skull Atlanta

in March. Comedy Attic Bloomington. Then I'm doing some show in Long Island. So come out to that at that movie theater. Oh, that's a fun one. I like that. That's why the guys fist fight each other. That's right.

Good money. I'm going to be at the New York Times in Hasbrook, New Jersey, speaking of Jersey. I'm also going to be opening for Brooke Kreischer at Wilbur, I think, on February 3. Wilbur. Come out to that. You know, they got the horse to talk.

Peanut butter. Waterboarding. All right. So, fun weekend. Fun, fun. Good times, folks. Thanks for coming out. Yell at Chipotle.

Chipotle's coming to Denver. Or they already did. Yeah. Ah, shit. This is over. Thank you, Chipotle. Thank you. Finally responding to us.

Yeah, we ate there today. Both of us. We're out of cards. Give us a black card. Yell at Chipotle. Praise Allah. Blow your mom. Kiss my ass.

We'll see you all at hell. Tuesday!