Tuesdays with Stories! - #230 Burrito Bitch

Episode Date: January 30, 2018

It’s a huge Tuesday’s as Mark & Joe try and figure out if dogs can have missionary sex (the jury is still out) before recapping their huge trip to Denver with Ari Shaffir & Sean Patton where they annoy the staff at a Colorado Avalanche game, take an intimate pedicab ride and have what may be the biggest breakthrough with Chipotle yet! Check it out! Become a subscriber to our Patreon for the latest LIVE bonus pod with Michelle Wolf & Ari Shaffir! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download Go on iTunes and give the pod a #5StarLunch review!

This is a Stand Up New York Labs production, providing you podcasts since 2013. Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard.

And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah!

This is Tuesdays with Stories everybody. Nah. That's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. Ahh! Yeah! That was too much. That was too much.

Sorry everybody. It's Joe List. That's Mark. Norman. Oh that felt weird. Oh yeah. Well this is our least popular episode already. I call that the dog whistle.

Two yells. It used to be a rape whistle but things got weird. Yeah you can't rape dogs anymore. No. No. Not like it used to be. I would rape a dog if I had. Like if someone was like you need to rape a dog or a woman.

I'd rape the dog. Mmmm. Because I feel like a dog. You know what I mean? They can't see color and they smell weird. That's true. I mean they don't care. Yeah and I feel like if you give a dog a bone.

He won't even notice the rape. He's so busy on the bone those guys go crazy on a bone. Hit him on both ends. Yes. You bone him up. You skewer. Try that. What do you call that?

Rotate. Double penetration. Yeah. I think there's a word. Oh skewer. Maybe you skewer. A dog kabob. A dog kabob.

A dog kabob. Yeah I guess so. A dog kabob. A dog kabob is pretty good. Alright we got our title and we're on our way. I wonder if you can try that with a lady. Like give her a big chicken parm dish. Or a favorite dish and then just fuck her from behind.

I'm not saying rape her. But I'm saying like if she's like I don't feel like having sex. You're like here's a hot dog. Yeah. I'll be back here. Don't even worry about me. Might work on a plumpy. A plumpy.

A fatty. A fatty. Oh a fatty. You know you get a hot model. She might not want a hot dog. But even the thin gals like to eat. You know what I mean? Like my gal is fit as a fit person.

Fit bit. You know you still give her a cheeseburger. She's gonna munch on it. Alright well yeah. I mean maybe it'll work. You got food going in both the holes. Well a dick is in food unless you're hungry. Maybe meat I should have said.

K2. K2 is the one. The Snow Movie? The Coyote Ducks. The Snow. It's not a snow movie. It's about climbing the mountain and eating people isn't it. Yes.

Or is that a lie. K2 do they eat people. K2 is a rip off of a lie. I think so right. Yeah one was a ski team and one was like I want to say a hot soccer team. I don't know about that. You're thinking of Palais. Who's not the ...

They're gay. Now who's the one. A lie. Is a team of some kind. Is some kind of Olympic team I think. I don't remember. I didn't see either of them I don't think but they eat each other. Yeah that's a big reveal.

But K2 is also a mountain but do they eat each other. Is there cannibalism there as well. I think you have to after alive. I said the press. Oh I see. Well I wouldn't have any issue eating a person or raping a dog. I'm just going to put it out there. What about a cat.

Cat I don't care for because they get the claws and the ... Yeah and I think they get a little more squirrely. A dog I feel like you lift that tail you can get him to stay still. That's true and a dog it's doggy style so he might enjoy it. He invented the thing. It's a mate that all their fucking is from behind. They get no on top. No niche.

I don't know if you Google that. Shelby could we maybe Google missionary dog sex because I feel like they might fuck missionary. Somewhere somehow. What are you kidding. That would be too awkward. What are you going to do. Lay it on his back with his leg spread. Lay it on bitch.

That's what I think I think it might do it. I mean I would be bow out by it but what do you got Shelby. I'm just getting regular porn links and then what seems to be I haven't clicked on it bestiality. Oh all right bestiality. Yeah I don't want you to click on the bestiality because I don't want to get shut down over here. Email me the link. Maybe just write can dogs have missionary style sex. I think that'll get us to where we need to be.

That's the move. I used to be a big porn hound when I was a kid and I would check out bestiality just because you start going too far. You get numb you know. Yeah. So you need that rush again. So I check out bestiality and there's a lot of videos of girls getting fucked by dogs. Oh really.

And the girls are going crazy because the dog is quicker than a human. It's an animal you know. So it'd be like go and go and go and then women would be like nah. It's insane. It only had that little three inch lipstick too. Now how do you kill her. How do you get the dick in it. Cause like a dog blow job we've all done several times.

You do peanut butter. I put peanut butter on my dick and that thing blows me. But how do you do with the pussy. Do you put almond butter in the cunt or what happens there. No that'll just lick it. The dick doesn't taste the butter. By the way if you're going to put peanut butter in your balls go smooth. Cause you start getting those nuts in there and they'll start crunching.

Well I need some nuts to get my nut. But so how do you get the dick in the pussy. What does she do. Does she talk dirty to it. Does she. Well still as a scent you know the dog can still figure it out. A veg is a veg is a veg you know. I don't think so.

A dog, veg and a human veg are not the same sport. Well you leave those two in a room together long enough. They'll get it together. They'll figure it out. So it's a time issue. Yeah yeah it's a time issue. Now what are we talking about. A half hour a week.

It's similar to a live. It's like you give them enough time. They're going to eat a person. They're going to eat that ass. Yes. You give a dog enough time. They're going to. Give a dog a bone.

I think you give it a good 20-25. You hit a rape whistle. You hit that doggy whistle. Oh. And then she hits the rape whistle. What if you put the dog whistle in the pussy. Then queef. That'll send the whistle off.

Oh. And now you've got your fucking leg. That's good. But I still don't know if a dog is fucking the whistle. No you pull the whistle out at the last second. Then he gets in there. Yeah. I don't know how it works.

Maybe catnip. By the way Shelby's got about nine windows open on the internet over there. What'd you find? The way they have sex is like not like humans. Like they says that like the dog comes, turns around, and then he gets like stuck. So it's like physically impossible for them to kind of have our sex. Oh interesting. But we can have theirs but they can't have ours.

That's unfair. Wait I'm confused. They get stuck. Like I've actually saw it happen like a neighbor's dog. Like they have doggy style sex. The male turns around and like comes for a long time. It's like Dick kind of plumps up. So it's like physically like locked in there.

And then they're just kind of like standing there. Oh really? Until it kind of like swells down and they both walk away or whatever. That must cut down on the rapes because you're just, you're caught red penised. You can't run you know. You're just like, ah you got me. Yeah I guess so. Wow.

Dog rape is at an all time low. I hope so. I hope human rape too. Yeah I think it is actually. We have a lot of progress going on but no one wants to acknowledge it. I imagine it would be, well rape is a thing even if it's low. If it's happening at all. It's a bad news bears you know.

Yeah well what if you were born because of a rape. That would be kind of bittersweet. Yeah well we just talked to a person who had that happen. That's right. Yeah it is bittersweet. It's a straight, it's topsy-turvy. I think everything involving rape is real squirrely and just bad news bears. But there's mixed emotions because you have, if you have the rape kid and you end up loving

that kid it is a strange feeling. You're like boy I'm glad I got rape. My son graduated. Right. Or whatever. Yeah he's a doctor now or he's you know president. Yeah. Trump was a rape.

Is that right? Yeah. No. I made that up. I'm sure it's possible. He's a bad guy. But anyway I mean I don't know. I mean it's just don't, if you're listening to the show don't rape anybody.

And you shouldn't joke about it either. So let's move on because there's nothing funny about rape except for dog rape. Dog rape is comedy goals. Hilarious. That's why they got rid of those tails so you can't pull them in. Yeah what's up with those dogs where they just snip the tail? That's what I'm saying. What is that?

I think because the dog eats its own tail I believe. What? Or something like that. They twirl. It's fun to watch. But I read, I saw, I never read articles. I always just see the headline that said, don't think that the dog tail removal, it was shorter than this but I'm paraphrasing or I'm making it longer.

Don't assume your dog tail removal surgery is painless. Oh. And so a lot of times I'll just read a headline and go, alright dogs feel tail pain. I didn't read it. Yeah. But I have that knowledge now. Wow. You put me in a tailspin.

Mmm. Duck tails. Woo. Woo. Well anyways. It's on the woo. We got a big weekend at the AF about here. Yeah.

I think this is one of those rare ones where we were together the whole time since the last recording I believe. Since the fire house in Long Island. What was that? 88? Must have been 70s. I'm looking at the wrong month here. Yeah.

So as we recorded on Tuesday we left for Denver the next day so we got to just get into Denver. We got to get, the fans are clamoring. We put a bunch of pictures up. Ari put pictures up. People are talking. Sold out. Seven shows. Seven.

Seven. Two. The second one almost sold out. I mean this guy. Ari said a name. I didn't realize he was a star. I just see him as this big Jew with huge balls. He's something else that guy.

And we added actually four shows. Oh is that right? Because originally it was four. It was Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. One show each night. Mmm. And it was the whole thing of like hey it's going to be free. We're just going to have fun.

Yes. And the shows will pay for the flight. And then they're all going skiing. But we didn't go skiing. That's neither here nor there. And then they added Late Show Friday. Late Show Saturday. Wow.

Those sold out. Then they added Late Show Thursday, Midnight Show Saturday. Late Show Thursday got sold out. Midnight was probably 150. Woo. Which is good for me on a regular night. Yeah. So we sold out seven and a half shows.

I keep saying we because there was plenty of Tuesdays there. We had Tuesdays. Extra coming out. Praise Allah. Yeah. So many Tuesdays. And although they slowly ran out. It got to like Saturday late show.

He's like this guy hosts Tuesdays with stories. And you hear woo. Yeah. And that was you. It started out like yeah. Then after a while it was just a chew. Yeah. It slowly fizzled out.

But I want to thank the Tuesdays that did come out. And I don't even know where to start with this weekend. Because it was probably the best weekend of my comedy life. And I say that a lot. I got a lot of hype verbally. But I just keep topping them. Well, we had Louie. That was a humdinger.

That was something. But this was, I don't know what it was. This one we didn't have to watch guys jerk off in front of us. That's true. Got in front of the door. But yeah. Just kidding, by the way. He never jerked off in front of me.

Never did that. Love you, Lou. But yeah. Louie was great. That was a great weekend. We had many Montreal's together. Many moon towers together. So yeah.

But this might have topped it. Because we were staying in the same room, basically. Yeah. And the same club. And everything was sold out. Then we'd go out. Let's go right to the beginning. We flew there together.

Yes. We flew there together. We met at the airport. You, me, Ari, Sean Patton. And the butler. And that's it, actually. Yeah. So we got there.

And everyone was worried about who's going to not make the flight. Because it's an early flight. It was like an 8, 15 AM. And that was beautiful. Because we got there. And Ari and I were there. And Ari's like, I'm the only one here. And so we were kind of standing by the gate.

Being like, uh-oh. I hope these guys are going to make it. But you were way ahead. You guys were already on the plane. Well, I saw Ari in the security line. Oh, but he didn't see you. He didn't see me. He was way ahead.

I mean, I texted him as a goof. I go, because we were all at LaGuardia. And I texted him JFK, right? Oh, that's funny. Just to, you know, get a rise out of him. And he never wrote back. Uh-huh. So then we got on the plane.

And then you guys showed up. So I thought you were late. No, no. We had been there. We went and had breakfast. But Ari's one of these alternative fucking free spirit fags. Yeah. And then he checks his bag like a douche.

I hate a bag check. So if you check the bag, you have no motivation for getting on the plane. You're just Roman free. Yeah. He's free as a bird, Jew. He's free range Jew. So I was like, I got to go get on this fucking plane. What are we doing here?

He's like, well, what are you, don't let people push you around the spirit, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, no, no, it's like, I'm not going to be able to get on the fucking, my suitcase on the plane. You jerk off. Right, right. So I went over there, but I timed it right where they were just about to start boarding zone one. So it was still the, what do you call it?

Skies. Skies. Skies. I'm Skies. I am Skies. That's what I'm saying. So it was still Skies. What I'm saying.

So I get there, still Skies. Jump on you and Sean are on the plane. And then the seating arrangements. It's me, empty seat Ari. Yes. And then one row behind you, empty seat Patton. Hey, singing sister. I wish you could have flipped those chairs around my neck hurt from turning.

Yeah. We had a good couple of good laughs just waiting for the plane to take off. Hey, this is Joe and Mark. We're talking, we're here to talk about bet DSI. Bet DSI.com has been in business for over 20 years, paying winners. Woo. They've got an A plus rating on sports book review sites. It's easy to use mobile playing interface, play win, get paid.

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Free money. Go Saints. We had a good trash set. I love hanging out with comics where it's just like two straight days and like that guy blows. That guy's a hack. That woman sucks. She's got huge tits. He's got a small dick.

What a fun life. And that was just about us. That was about probably 20 straight hours of just trashing everyone we hate. At one point I took a nap and I was like, I was the only one that went to take a nap. I was exhausted. You guys were all still up. And then I was like, maybe I should get out there. Everyone's hanging.

And I just opened my eyes and ear for a moment. And I just hear, that guy sucks. And I'm like, well, it's the same thing. I'll just go back to bed. And then I woke up and then you guys napped. So I was like by myself. It was a whole thing. We were all topsy-turvy.

Well, everybody fell asleep at one point. And then I woke up and Sean is sawing logs by the window. He's just... Yeah. He's like Darth Vader having an asthma attack. Right. It's a whole... Right.

Right. And then Ari is out by the window. He's got the earbuds in, the eye mask on, even a nose clamp. Uh-huh. He was going to town. And then I noticed you were up. So we had a little whisper banter. Oh, on the plane, a whisper banter.

Yeah. Yeah, that was fun. That was a good time. Well, we had some douche kid named Ari. Oh, the douche. The douche kid. The douche kid. Now that's a rape.

I wish it hadn't happened. Eliza douche kid. Yes. And this kid's running up and down the aisles. His hair on fire. He's knocking over the peanuts. He's touching my screen. The guy was a piece of shit.

Child of douche. What a piece of garbage that child was. He was so loud at that piercing child loudness. Daddy! Daddy! I don't want to eat that. I wish a dog came and raped him. And then his dad was just, Ari!

Ari! Ari! Just a nightmare. A nightmare flight. A holocaust. I couldn't sleep on the plane, but anyways, what are you going to do? But still neat. But it sucked because the kid was so piercing, but you look over and Sean and Ari are, you

know, baking clams over there, sleeping. Yeah, Ari, he's six foot eleven. I don't know how he can sleep like that, but he had the two earpieces in and just slept a hundred percent of the flight. I was so jealous. Yeah, me too. That's a good four hours of Ram, which you hate. The band.

I don't hate them. I just never got into them. I respect their bullshit. But anyways, then we got there and the condo. You hear about the condo, the Denver condo. It's huge. It's nice. Boobly boo.

But this thing is a behemoth. It's like a real world house. Everything's hip and there's a big table and an arcade game. And there's two bedrooms, two baths, giant kitchen, a back porch where you can smoke cigars, giant TV, big couch. The whole works. Yeah, we had the Denver works, but we had a bunch of cigar. I might have a cigar after this.

It's 60 degrees outside. It's crazy. Global anal. We had a bunch of cigars, just a beautiful fucking trip, big screen TV, two huge bedrooms. But the problem was sleep time was a little tricky. The first night I slept and I napped and then slept in a blow-up mattress in a closet. Yes. With a bathrobe for a blanket, which you later took over.

You slept in there one night as well. Well, we all rotated, but I got to tell you, there were other blankets. There was a stack of blankets. I didn't see the blankets at first and I woke up like five in the morning shivering. It was just a bathrobe next to me, so I just ripped it off the wall like a fucking movie reference. What's the movie where they rip the curtains off or something? Fargo?

Curtains. Oh, I'm thinking of Christmas vacation when the tree is on fire and he just rips the curtain rod down and dives on it. That's what I was imagining, but it doesn't really work in this case. Yeah, so you slept in the bed and I slept in the air mattress in the closet of the bedroom. Yes. It's squeaky things when you move. It's just like...

Every turn, every turn, every queef, every rollover, it was like... It was like a hull of a ship. Yeah, it was bad. It was so loud. And then Thursday morning, Ari had to go do radio. So I went, I heard... I was like, oh, he just left for radio. I heard the door close.

He looked at 6 AM or something. So I was like, I'm going to shift into that big bed that he just vacated. And I walked over to the bed and it was like a big lump of blankets, but it was dark. I wasn't wearing my glasses. And I was like, ah, that looks like it might be a person, but it can't be. He went to radio. I know he went to radio. And as I got close, I just heard...

And then I was like, ah, I jumped and I just see that curly, somewhat balding head fucking rollover. And it's Mark Normand. That was my pubes. Ah, you're not balding. I'm just kidding. It's thinning. But it was a real protective fart. I don't know if you heard me or sensed me, but it was like a skunk fart.

Mark the skunk. I'm like a dilophosaurus. What's that? That's that dinosaur that when you get close, it's gills flap out and it goes... Oh, I'm Newman. You're Newman. Yeah. Because it was really...

I was like putting my foot in and it just went... I ran back to... I scurried back to my closet bed. It's gunk Normand. Yep. So, and then... Again, for the ride. No idea you were there.

Yeah. And then night two, I went to bed early so I could take that bed. So I go in the bed. I got all hunkered up. I'm like, I got the bed tonight. And then at like 4.30, all of a sudden you get in the bed with me. I go, get out of here, you son of a bitch. I went out drinking with some locals and these chaps went in early like a couple of doucheys.

Well, I'm an early to bed guy and also in that kind of situation, you want to get the good bed. You want to get back for the bed. I hear you. It's like, oh, good night everybody. And then I go in there. All of a sudden you're in the bed. No, I get home at about 4.30 and I tiptoe in. I had a guy on the couch.

Ari's in the other bed. Patton's on the floor. And by the way, Patton wears a CPAP. Yes, he does. Which is... Am I saying that right? I'm not sure. He looks like Tom Hardy in Dunkirk.

I think he looks like Bane. He's got this big thing on his face and he's, you know, big belly and long hair. And it's terrifying. It looks like he's in a coma. Either way, he's a Hardy. Patton. Oh, yeah. So I come in, I tiptoe and I'm like, I wonder if anybody's got the good bed.

And I come in, I'm half in the bag. I'm a wasted. Yeah, yeah. So I come in and I go, oh, hey. And you go, oh, hey. And you got your glasses off and your night cap on. You're holding a candle. And I thought you wanted to hang out in my mind because you go, oh, hey, what's up?

Well, he wants to know what I did tonight. Well, I always want to hang. It's hard. That's the hard thing about hanging with five people in a condo. Every time you hear a footstep, you're like, let me see what he's up to. Exactly. So I was sacrificing all this sleep and I ended up going over to my friend Becca's house to stay there.

She gave me the key. Here we go with the Bexter. Well, nothing crazy, but she gave me the bed and she got a two bedroom apartment over there. And so I had to call my wife and go, you got to let me stay over here. We got five guys. I'm on an air mattress in a closet and this woman's got a two bedroom home. Yeah.

And, you know, so I went over there and got some good sack time. But even then you're in a strange house. Yes. And you're not used to the creeks and the cracks. Right. It's this old house and the person upstairs, every time they move, it's just like, oh, God, there's somebody here. It's a whole situation.

And also every second, I got bad FOMO. No FOMO. I got real bad. So I'm like, oh, what are they talking about? If I'm laying in bed, I'm like, I got to get another hour. I got to stay in bed. And you guys are in the pantry. Yeah.

But about, you know, Hanukkah, I want to hear about it. I know. Even when you were like trying to work on your set, we're outside, geez. All right. All right. Outside smoking cigars, planning a trip to Columbia and talking about how, you know, your breath is transcendental and we're both gay and who we would fuck if we had to fuck. And I see you at the air.

I'm like, bang on the window. Yes. I'm like, get out of here. Fuck this show. Let's hang. I know. It's so hard. You have to tell a story of, you know, whatever.

We have a story podcast though. That's true, but it's different. Everybody keeps saying that. I had a friend like, hey, what are you worried about? You do a story every week. I'm like, yeah, but that's no audience. This, you got to kill. You got to have an ending.

It's got to be tied together. It's got to be punched up. So that freaked me out every night, but we got better at it. But they were, I mean, the crowds were so hot. So hot. The Late Show Thursday, no, Friday. Late Show Friday was magical. If you were at the show, you're at the Late Show Friday.

You were at the best show. That kind of killing where you feel like you're floating. Yes. And you're just murdering so hard. And the laughs give you energy. Every, every laugh, it goes inside you and jerks off in your body. Unbelievable. What a, I got to come all over my kidneys right now.

Yeah. Kidney come. Companies. But it was just an amazing, magical show. And how about that green room hang? I mean, how good was that? It's like, you don't even want to go out there. Everywhere you went, it was magical.

Like, if you're backstage, you're kind of like whispering. You're like, this guy's killing. That's fun. Then you're in the green room. We're all sucking each other's dicks and saying crazy shit and telling stories. The story's never ended. That Patton can spin a yarn, I tell you.

Patton's the funniest guy. Just a wacky fat man. Just always jumping around and doing impressions. You can't help laugh when you're around him. He's so giggly. Funny guy. And his hands bend this way when he tells stories. He's all, wow.

I didn't notice that. I just see that big pregnant belly flipping around. Yeah, he's got to do something about that belly. He could use a little work. It's good for comedy. I know, but I worry. We're getting old. He's 51 years old, that guy.

Not to mention he's strapped up to a gurney every night. Trying to get a snooze in. Well, one night he forgot to put it. That was my last straw at the apartment. He forgot to put it on. That was the night you came in late. The TV was on, so it was like blinking. It was like a strobe light.

Then he forgot to put his fucking mask on. So it was like, brrrrr. Oh, yeah. Then there's flashing lights going on. Then you came in. It was a whole situation. I went to bed at 6 AM and woke up at 8.15. Yeah.

Well, we got to talk about it. I came in and you go, hey, what's up? I'm drunk. It's 4 or 5 in the morning. You're like, hey, hey, hey. I'm like, what are you doing? You were like, something, something. You take the air mattress.

I was like, all right, got it. Then I was so drunk. I go, is everybody mad at me? I go, you guys all mad at me? I feel like you're mad at me. You go, what? I go, what did I say? Should I have slept out?

You're like, are you guys mad at me for coming home late? I was like, I'm mad at you for coming home at all. There's a guy out here. Leave me alone. Yeah, that was funny. I was like, you should go to bed on the street or something. Right. I felt like a child.

You're like, you're killing me. Go to bed. I was like, oh, sorry. All right. But it was fun nonetheless. Then you got up and I took the bed. Yeah. I don't know where I went.

Oh, I ended up leaving. I went out and one day I got a haircut and this fucking lady, I got a $28 haircut. Literally, one was, they charged you $38. And I said, what are you crazy? I'm getting out of here. I would, $38, I should get a blow job for $38. You got that right. So I went to another place.

This is $28. Look at my hair. You can't see it, folks. But I look like fucking Marge. It's crazy. Yeah, Kenny Loggins. It's huge in the back and the top is little. She said my interior hair.

She kept saying interior hair, which I've never even heard that term. She's like, I'll trim it so you still have your interior hair. Till it's hair inside you. I don't get it. But it was a 40 minute haircut. It cost $35 and it looks exactly the same, if not longer. It looks longer. It's crazy.

But then we went hiking, went out to Red Rocks. You got rooked. Yeah, Red Rocks, baby. And with John Toll. Yes. Who I got in my head, his name was Mike Booth. Well, I call him Toll Booth. And he looks like a Mike.

Yes. Well, John and Mike are all, people got mad at me at this one. They didn't see eye to eye. But to me, all the, and I have one, all those sort of one syllable, John, Mike, Dave, Don. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Matt, Mark, Mitch, McConnell. They're all very similar, like Joe, John, Mike. Those are interchangeable.

I'm sorry. Joe, John, Mike, Biblical. Is Mike? Michael. Oh, yeah. King Michael. Oh, really? Wow, you saved me.

I didn't have it. I don't know. And that might be made up. King Michael. Saint Michael. I think that's Jordan. Oh, yeah. Or is that LeBron is King?

I'm sure there's a Michael in there. King LeBron, King James. How could you have enough confidence to call yourself King? Isn't that insane? Well, I think someone else gave him that nickname. They're not rappers. Well, I'll have to look into that. Well, rappers are all crazy.

Yeah, they got some problems. One of them's got lollipop or an ice cream cone tattoo on his cheek. Is that right? Yeah, forget his name. Sure, it's not a teardrop? A little creamy. I don't know. Now, teardrops around.

We'll get it on Shelby. Ice cream comb on the cheek. Because if you flip a teardrop around, it kind of looks like an ice cream cone. A little rounded top, you know? Yeah, that makes sense. Isn't that something? More of a snow cone, but I'll take it. But anyways, John Toll, he was a sweet, sweet man.

Yeah, and I love an easy, because I have problems with names. I feel weird. I've talked to my therapist about it. I feel weird doing the names. I can't do it. I rarely call you by your name. Fattie, anal, just face. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I'm similar. Yeah. I hate names, because it feels too mandatory. Like, who said, who, they picked it, so I got to say it? Fuck that. Well, it's weird. Like, Sarah and I, we never say each other's name. Everyone wants to know.

I'll be like, hey, Sarah. And she's like, that's so weird. But it's weird to be like, hi, Joe. Yeah. Hey, Joe. You say, Sarah. I say, hey, Sarah. Hey, boobs.

Hey, babes. Yeah, lady parts. Yeah, whatever it is. Right. I'm the same way. It's like shaking someone's hand every time you see him. I don't know. It's too formal.

It's too weird. Yeah. Sometimes I'd feel like a weird, if so many times I always think like our little nicknames, I'm just being a goof. But if someone heard it, they'd think I was like a horrible guy. Totally. I'll call her dumb, dumb boobs. Oh, dude.

Hey, titties. One time I called the lady Fattie at a restaurant. And some guy was like, are you crazy? Yeah, yeah. You don't know. It's a whole thing. But see what I call her at home. A lot of N-word.

Shelby, you got something for us? That rapper is Gucci Mane. Gucci Mane. Asian? But he had it removed. Oh, he did. It melted. Unfortunately.

Yes. Gucci Mane. So is he Korean? Black. He's an African-American. Very black. Yeah, big black guy. Oh, wow.

Maybe not big, but black. Gucci Mane. Gucci Mane. Not man. Mane. Yeah, like Gucci, like the luxury brand in Maine, like the lion. Oh, wow. Oh, like a lion.

It sounds very Asian to me. Oh, Gucci Mane. Q-dobo. Yeah, I can see that. Gucci Mane. All right. Bag hair. All right, so.

Gucci Mane. Toll. John Toll. It's Toll Boo. Toll House Cookie. Toll. The wet sprocket. Thank you.

Toll. What's another Toll? For whom the bell tolls? Toll. All right. So it was just fun. And then it became Mike Booth after a while. Yeah, Tolla Mosh.

There we go. But anyways, we all went out to Red Rock U, Me, Ari, and Toll. John Toll Booth. Which at first, I was skeptical of this Toll fellow because I thought we had a driver. Because I was late. I was getting my hair cut and Ari's like, our ride is here. So I thought he just hired a driver. So I came running over and when I get over there, there's like a big suburban.

So I tried to get in the suburban. Oh, that's right. I was like pulling the door. It was locked. This guy's like, get away from my car. I was like, sorry. I got a fresh haircut. It cost too much.

They didn't cut any. So I ran upstairs. Then I meet you and Ari. Yeah, you and Ari. We come downstairs and I was like, I don't know where this car. And we get in the car. It's John Toll. Yeah, big Toll.

So I said, we have a fourth member of the team, which I have to adjust to for a moment. Fourth member, new guy, scary. I get nervous, but he couldn't have been sweeter. He's a big Pantera tattoo guy. Hardcore. Like a sober guy. Yes. Sober guy, Patriots fan, wayward comic in a hardcore band.

A super cool guy and big smiley. A lot of smiles from the Toll booth. He's exactly what you want in a Toll House cookie. He just sits there. He contributes every now and then and he giggles. Yes, sweet guy. And he drove us, which was amazing. Yeah, what a guy.

Had a nice lunch and just sweet as apple pie. I'm sure he's a great comic. We didn't get to see him, but who did the guest spot on Thursday? Brant. Brant Tober. Funny guy. That guy's a killer. He's a peach and a half.

Just a good egg. Lunch. Good hang. He saw a guy get shot to death at the comedy store. Yeah, he had some great yarns. Good hang. Just a good groomer hang. Beer in hand, full beard, yucking it up.

Boots. Boots. He's looked like a tough guy. Yeah. Oh, he's a tough guy. I wouldn't fuck with Tobler. He's got boots and he saw a guy get shot. So he can fuck my wife if he wants to.

I can't mess with that. The Tobler Elf. You got no boots. You can't watch. Peach Gobler. You need boots if you want to watch. Anyway, so we go up to Red Rocks. What a venue.

I mean, we got to do a show there. Holy hell. I could just hear the Dave Matthews coming out of the old rocks. Great album and just spectacular. These big behemoth Red Rocks and their sexy and the steps. And how about that fucking crazy Asian doing that? Oh my God. A crazy Asian war.

There was some Asian fucking fitness guru. I think he was Cherokee or something. Oh, maybe he was Native American. I think it's Native American. I think he had a little chalk talk. Oh, interesting. Well, he was doing these burpees down the steps like a mile high. It was very bizarre.

He would jump on his feet, then to his hands and back onto his knees and up into his hand and feet again. It was amazing. He had long hair flowing. He had like a, what do you call it, a dream catcher on. Unreal. But he was doing a flipty flu. Like he would do like feet fur.

Then he was scaling down the wall via burpees. Right. I wanted to fuck him. I did. He was hot. He was sexy. And yeah, he had like a bone in his ear and a bunch of tattoos and just a hot, hot Cherokee. But we jog around there and then we went and did the trail, the toll booth trail or the

trading post trail. Trading post. We didn't trade anything. It was about 60 degrees. Trader Joe. Oh yeah. That's you. I should have traded.

Traded friends. I can't believe you traded Bieber. What's the guy's name? Costanza does that. Oh, Jay Buter. Jay Buter. How could you trade Jay Buter? He's got a rocket for an arm.

My people like Ken Phelps. That's good stuff. Broga, you steak. You couldn't smooth out a hot sheet if you had a babe. All right. But anyway, so we had a beautiful hike and just one of those beautiful days where you're like, this is gorgeous. Perfect weather.

The shirts came off. We got gay. We got dusty. We went to the, what is it? Rock and roll. Denver Hall of Fame. Oh yeah, the Denver Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. A little underwhelming.

A little bit. I love John Denver. I have very heavy on the John Denver and like the nitty gritty dirt band. Were they in there? They were in there. It was like one, you know, Polaroid. Hot times. Summer in the city.

And then, I can't tell. Oh boy. And then Adam Clayton Holland has his CD in there. That's something. Well, he's a Denver celeb. He really is. He came out to a show. Big shot to Kate and Hall.

Nice to see him. Good guy. He is the show Those Who Can't on True TV. Yes. Check that out and check out our pal Sal. Oh yeah. What's he doing again? And practical jokers.

It's on right now. It's on every second of every day of every year. Well, I don't even know where to get in. All right. So we do red rocks. We get all sweaty and gay. And then we go to the restaurant. We went to some fucking fancy, fancy restaurant that I hated.

Where did we go again? It was a place that had cucumber, pineapple, peanut butter, salad. And I'm like, I want a burger. Like we have buffalo burger drenched in fucking Indian blood and a feather sauce. And I'm like, get the fuck out of here. Give me the French fry. I'll be on my way. Tole Booth recommended it.

So we went there. And it was one of those things where we're sitting around going, should we go here? Should we go here? Should we go here? Should we go here? And everybody goes, I don't care. I don't care. I don't care.

And then we just said, fuck it. We got to sit here. Yeah. So we went there. That was fine. And that was a good day. Yeah. We got a duck poutine.

That was something. That was pretty spectacular. Duck is good. Yeah. What about, how about the hockey? I want to get into the hockey game and that petticab. Oh, slow down. Sorry.

Sorry. I got excited. So we do shows that night. Shows go great. I pop a few beers. Is this the big? Pop a James. Yeah.

Is this the big, or is that the next night? What's the big hat? You know. Oh, Chipotle. I didn't want to ruin it. That happened the next night. The first night we went to illegal Pete's, which is better than Chipotle. You better pick up your game, Chipotle.

Easy, Johnson. A legal Pete's was something else. I want to talk about this though. That piece of shit at the illegal Pete's. So we're over at the bar. We go to do buzzards, bastards, big shop. Oh, we did an alt show. Yeah.

We did this alt show, black buzzard. That's the one. Which is offensive to me. Sure. Buzzards are evil. So we go to black buzzard and our pal Derek Sheen, Seattle comic. I haven't seen him in years. Good guy.

He's like in town and headlining. I feel bad for him because he's headlining this bar show. And you, me and Patton and Ari and Steve Simone. We haven't even mentioned Steve Simone. And Al Jackson. Al Jackson showed up at night. He's got a TV show coming out on True TV. He's got a local Denver show.

Al Jackson is the coolest kid on the planet. Funniest guy. He went up and kicked ass. Plus he's the black guy on the show. So they fucking loved him. Yeah. We needed a black. I mean, we had two gays and a Jew, but no blacks.

Yeah. He went out there and ripped it up and then got sloppy. Yeah. He was fun. I love Al and I've known Al a long, long time. Oh, really? I knew Al before I knew you. We were buddies.

Ouch. Yeah. Much bigger dick. Thank you. So that was fun. But then, after the show, we went to Black Buzzards. Did this bar show, which was kind of tough. Now, did you know when you went in the green room, did you know what was happening there?

Because I went on stage. When I came off, you were going on after me. But you popped into the green room and it was just like three women staring at you. You were like, whoa, wrong room. You shut the door and left. Yeah. That was a gag. That's what I said to them.

I was like, I think he's doing a gag to like, no, no. He's sexist. He thinks there's no women in comedy. He just assumes there's no men. It's not a comedy shit. They hated you. Really? Yeah.

They were mad. They were like, what a sexist. This is what comedy is at. Piece of shit. I was like, I think it was probably a bit. It was a bit. You don't get comedy. How about that?

You're getting funnier. I'm doing a joke. I said, I think he's trying to be funny and he's also on drugs and his wife just died. I'm gay and I'm on anal and I got AIDS. Yeah. Blah, it's a joke. I mean, they didn't really. Were they mad?

No, they didn't really hate you. But there was a moment. There was a thing where they were like, yeah, I guess he just assumes there's no comedy club with all women. I think he's kidding. Of course it's all women. Yes, I'm terrified. I don't want to get in trouble.

But anyways, we did the black, black buzzy and that was really fun and Patton murdered. Kill, man. That guy kills. Yeah, go. I feel bad for Sheen. Get his album or his show. Does he have an album? He's got nothing out there.

He's just got eight hours of material he can pick from. It's like a Rolodex. Well, he's got a half hour somewhere. He's got a half hour. Yeah, that's about it. I think he's Mr. Sean Patton or something on Twitter maybe. He's due for something. This kid's a monster.

He's 48 years old. He's going to die soon. He's got a CPAP machine. So help him out, folks. Throw him a dollar or a nickel. Yeah. A nickel in the jukebox. Oh, I'm pissed at these women.

I think I was a gag. Of course I know it's the green room. Ah, I'm kidding. All right, all right. Jesus Christ. Zip recruiter, baby. A fresh new year has begun. And if you're setting new goals for your business, it's extremely difficult to reach

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Fake tits are bad. RX bar are real. Dot com slash Tuesdays. But anyways, after that, we went over to the legal Pete's. Yeah, we did. Which is like the local burrito joint slash bar nightclub. Oh, yeah. And that was something.

And then one of the local guys says, if you go to a legal Pete's, tell them you're a comedian because they support local artists and you'll get free food if you're a wayward, out-of-town comic. So I said, that sounds crazy. And now I'm working with Alan, our therapist. And so I go, I'm not going to ask about a legal. I'd rather just give $11. Sure.

So me and Ari and Simone, we get food. You and Sean hung back in the cut. Yeah. You had been eating whatever at the club. So I said, you know what? I'm going to assert. They said to ask, why not ask for the free food? And so I got my big giant burrito and I said, hey, is it true that you get free food if

you're a comedian? And the guy goes, who told you that? I go, well, local guy. We're working at the Comedy Works and we'd love some free food. And he's like, that's bullshit. That is categorically false. Wow. He's like, how would we do that?

We won't give free food away, just comedians. And I go, wow, wow. All right. Boy, I guess I got bad info. And he goes, well, we do have a thing called a starving artist discount. But you got to fill out a voucher beforehand and then you can get a free meal. So I go, so you do do it then. You do the exact thing I was asking about.

He gave me shit and he acted like I was a fucking idiot. And then he's like, no, we do do that. What is that? That's what these gooks do. It's a whole thing now with the no, no, no. They want to tell you, no, out of the gate. They love it. It's the only power they have.

You're worthless. You're going to burrito shop. Blow me. Very frustrating because he made me feel stupid. Of course. And he didn't know, it took a lot for me to say, hey, do we get free food? I heard we do, but no big deal if not. And he's like, no, you idiot.

And I shrunk down. I felt stupid. I was like, I'm so sorry. I'm shameful. I'm staring at my feet. And he's like, well, we sort of do that. I saw you were little. I was very little.

You look like veeter. I was tiny. Little women. But anyways, a legal piece, delicious burrito. We brought it back to the house and killer. Killer food. I ate half of everyone's leftovers. A man, they were top notch.

Yeah. Good stuff. And so fuck that guy with the jerk. Jerk off. That guy's a tight shoe. Yes. He's a wet sock after a wet sock. By the way, I did, I got caught in the rain today.

I was walking here. It rained? It poured. I did not know that. So I got off at 59th Street and Fifth Avenue, which I like to do and cut through the park when I come up here, whenever I can. And so I was doing that and it was a light drizzle to the point where I didn't even use my umbrella.

I was like, I don't need an umbrella. I feel God's, you know, tears. Moistness. Yes. And then it slowly started to rain and I was like, let me get my umbrella off of a romantic walk. And then right when I got to like sheep meadow, it just opened up. Oh yeah.

So my pants are still wet. I had to go buy new socks, but I got the dry sock after a wet sock feeling. Not a bad feeling. And then it was weird because I was in the therapy office in the waiting room and I'm changing my socks and then like the next therapist, next door's customer or whatever came in. I'm barefoot with a wet sock. I was like, oh, sorry.

So they must think I'm a psychopath. Of course. I'm waiting to see a therapist with bare feet. Yeah, that's kooky. You look like a hobo. And my toenails are a little lengthy these days. Mine too. When are we getting around to cutting the toenail?

Who's got time for that? I don't like it. You got to lift your leg up on the sink. I pull a groin. My ball bag is hanging down and my asshole's spread open and then the toenail just flies everywhere. I can't even find them. It's like, it's crazy.

It's crazy. And there's something to be said about the asshole's spread. I was jumping in the shower yesterday and I saw a bunch of like packing peanuts on the ground. So I'm bending over, pick up the, my asshole's exposed. I feel like a dog was going to put the lipstick in me. It's very nerve wracking and as long as there's no peanut butter in there, but shit looks like peanut butter.

And taste like it. From what I've heard. You get some bad peanut butter. Or good shit. Yeah, it's just, it's just, I don't like how my asshole's spread open unless it's with a loved one, my uncle or my aunt. Sure. But.

Yeah. I ain't read the asshole licked. Yeah. Yeah. I've looked at that ball bag and said, eat my pussy. And she said, $20 extra. And I said, no problem. I got the money.

And it was pretty delightful. Well, you're hungry again in an hour. All right. Mangy Gooke. What was the rapper's name again? Gucci Mane. Oh, Gucci Mane. I thought it was Mangy Gooke.

That's a different kind of song. Anyway, all right. So we lost our manager there. What happened? Oh, sorry. I'm still getting licked. Oh, that's all I'm ever thinking about. But I love water.

All right. You take over for a moment. Yeah. I need to take a breather and take a water and finger my ass. Hey, hey. Do a little Darth Vader exercises there. Now I'm gonna stay. So, where the hell are we here?

Yeah. All right. I got it. Illegal Pete's. Illegal Pete's. That's a four in the morning. We yuck it up. We're just, it's just five fun guys in a kitchen just yucked it up, laughing, mouthful of food,

bending over, howling. We got to talk about Steve Simone. What a guy. Steve Simone is the sweetest pie on the buffet line. This guy is so funny, so cool. Just a great comedy store guy. Been doing it for a while. Just a hell of a storyteller.

This guy was killing out there, murdering every night. A tremendous hang and just the sweetest man alive. He kept buying everything. He's like, you want to sit here? What seat do you prefer? Yeah. Just a sweet thought. He went to church one of the days.

I mean, this guy is pure. Good. Anyway, he'd hold the door open. Every time he'd be like, oh, you go first. You go first. Like a little boy scout. Somebody really raised him right. Good man and fucking killing.

And he would get like emotional and tell a story. And half the time he's like, I don't even know what story I'm going to tell. I'm going to tell this for the first time. And you just hear these like waves of laughter. Dude. Yeah, look him up, folks. He's done a few. This is not happening.

Yeah. That'll be on YouTube. So give him a gander. If you go to LA, I'm sure you'll be at the store. The only thing I worry about is we're a tad colorful, a little irreverent. And I think we scared the bejesus out of him a few times with a few choice words we said. Yep. I mean, if it's thinking of this pod, but with nobody, no chance of anyone hearing it.

This pod live. Yeah. Yeah. Uncensored. Yeah. Speaking of that, also we got some queefs coming everybody. Big floppy wet queefs. We got an Ari and a Simone queef.

We got some more coming. So get on the Patreon page. It's three bucks a month. You're going to hear from Ari. You're going to hear from Steve Simone. It's really a fun time. There's going to be more from us. Also, we got mugs over at merchpump.com slash Tuesdays.

You can get a Tuesdays with stories Chipotle-esque coffee mug. We got mugs. There's mugs. Oh. Mugs and mugs. Wow. Yeah. Mugs and seagull.

For sure. Ace Rothstein. Sorry, I'm just naming Jew mobsters. Was Bugsy mob a Jew? Seagull, certainly it sounds Jew. I mean, his father's a Jew at the very least. Steven Seagull. You know what they call it a seagull?

A flog of seagulls. Because otherwise it would be a bagel. Oh, yeah. Seagull bagel. Locks. Shelby looks angry at us. All right. We stink.

Sorry, buddy. Shelby. Gucci main. The FBI is going to kick in the door for looking up missionary dog sex. Yeah, right. Anything on that? Oh, we already went through that. Oh, sorry.

Yeah. You got to hold the dog down and fucking. It gets stuck in there or something like that. I just want to see a photo. All right. So then we go. Oh, by the way, Steve bought the staff pizza. Yes, he did.

So Denver Comedy Works throw a bone at Steve for that. Domino's he threw at you. This is what a good guy he is. He kept saying it's from all of us. Thank you for the pizza. And I'd go, no, no, that's from Steve. He's like, no, it's from all of us. And then I'd be like, okay, it's from all of us, but it was Steve's money.

You told him. I told a couple of people, not the women, but I told the men. Yeah, let it ride. And then Sunday you had left. It was AFC and NFC championship. And I said, you got the pizza and you got this and I'll get the pizza and wings. But that stuff adds up when you're buying for a group. Tell me about it.

$125 with the pizza and wings. And then the next day I took a cab home to gouge me $160 cab. Oh, you got raped. I got fucking rocked by the Lyft drivers. You got a bad haircut and a bad surge. I really got fucked. Yeah. All right.

And then we wake up the next morning and we go to the hockey game. Hockey. Now the whole time we've been monitoring these tickets because I was like, I don't want to pay too much. You're like, they'll go down, they'll go down. We just got to wait it out, wait it out, wait it out. And also Ari is doing press every day and saying, hey, you getting the hockey hookup, hockey hookup.

We got no hookup. We all emailed our agents and managers. Nothing. Yes. Yeah. Nothing from William Morris, Berkowitz. Nothing. You fucking blew it.

Industry. So we go, all right, we'll just pay the charge. So it came out to a good 86 each. Yeah, like 270 something because the Colorado Avalanche had won eight in a row at the time going into the game to play in the Rangers, New York, and the New York people traveled to go to the game. They flew out to the fucking Rocky Mountain High for the hockey. Yeah.

So it was quite an event. The Pepsi Center. Yes. The morning of the women's march. Oh, that's right. Yeah. There was an estrogen in the air. Yeah.

And then we tried to do a podcast on the way over there, which I fucking hated. I really hated it. Walking around in broad day anal with a fucking microphone in your face. Yeah. They're like, what are you recording? You're homo. She fucking nerds. And then a beer would fly at you.

And you're like, can we get rid of this, please? And that was the women's march. Yep. So finally, you know, you make enough of a scruffle about it. So he scraps the pod. We get into the fucking stadium and they go, hey, Joe Camel the Jew. He looks like Joe Camel. Exactly like him.

And they go, hey, you big cake. What are you doing with that bag there? This is their words. And he goes, what do you mean? And they open it up. He's got a bunch of wires and recording equipment. It looks like a detonator. You can't bring this in.

What do you think? Because you're on Rogan? Fuck you. So we've got a whole thing going on there. They want to talk to another guy. We've got to talk to another guy. Finally, somehow he gets it in. I know.

It was a bummer for me because as we were leaving, I'm like, you can't bring a fucking recorder and a bunch of mics. What are you, a piece of shit? You think you're Al Michaels or fucking Cosel? You scumbag? And he's like, what are you talking about? And then we got there. It was like, no bags.

I told you so. And he's like, no, you didn't tell me. And we started arguing. Like a manager at an umpire. And then we get there. And they're like, you can't bring that in fucking Ted Kaczynski. And he said, OK, fine. And then eventually the guy was like, yeah, bring it in.

I lost the fight. He's a Junabomber. Good thing they didn't know about that ball bag. He was smuggling between his legs. Jesus Christ. That was like a crown royal sack with rubies in it. So we get in. We get our seats.

I get a couple of brusquies. You get a nice slice of pie. And we really just enjoyed the game. We had a couple of mooks in front of us in the row before us. It was these Staten Island goons. A bunch of scopos in front of us. Yeah. Just a bunch of meat-heady fat wops.

And a bunch of wide bottom ranger fans. Yeah. Yeah. Big guy. Hat to the sides. Five o'clock shadow and four chins. Five o'clock for days in either direction. Yeah.

They had like, oh, just a roll. Like 25 deep. Every time one of them be like, hey, what are you guys fucking? Hey. And then you see like 25 head turns. Like we got to bust some nuts there. Vinnie Pie. Right.

Oh, no, we're cool. They're going to fill the whole Staten Island ferry of these guys. And they just wouldn't let up. And we were getting some chuckles out of them. Yeah. We got some chuckles. Well, I had a weird moment where I'm a big hockey guy, of course. Now, if you're not a hockey fan, there's a delayed penalty.

Right. Your team has the puck. You can skate your goalie off because once the other team touches it, the play is dead. Yeah. So the Rangers had a delayed penalty. And so the goalie skates off. And I go, the goalie's leaving.

Ah, the goalie's leaving. The guy's like, it's a fucking penalty, man. And I had to bail on my bit. So he didn't think I was a loser. I was like, no, I know. I'm being funny. And he's like, oh, all right. Take it easy.

Eat your parm. It was a joke. I thought it was a funny joke to start screaming the goalie left. We got some chuckles out of them. But at one point, I saw one of the big fat square necked boots lean over to the other note neck. And he goes, these guys won't shut the fuck up. But I got to tell you, they're actually pretty funny.

That feels good. That was a huge moment. I was like, yeah, we won them over. Yeah, we had some fun. But it was always the whole time, I was like, these guys could just tune us up. There's nothing we can do about it. There's 20 of them. They all, you know, rape people.

Yeah, yeah. 16 of them. The Giuliani era fella, if you know what I mean. A couple of catches. Yep. So we have a good time. Ari was getting recognized on the way out, like a motherfucker. It was like he was Liberace.

Hey, Ari, Ari, a lot of photos. Yeah. Great game, by the way. Great game. Aves scored. What was it, three to zero? That was three to one. Empty netter.

It was a tight game. Aves are up two nothing. Rangers scored two to one most of the way. And they scored with 19 minutes and 59 seconds into the third period. One second left. One second left. So we had a good time. And we get out of there.

We go straight to the Brazilian barbecue. No, no, wait, wait. You're missing a big one. We get out of there. Oh, shit, you're right. People recognize, hey, Ari. Hey, Ari. Oh, and then some guy goes, who are you guys?

Because everyone keeps recognizing you. He says, oh, I'm just a comedian, blah, blah, blah. And right as that's happening, a relatively sexy woman with thighs, bigger than my parents. Big oak trees. Yeah. Nikki, she pulls up and says, hey, I want to give you guys a free ride to anywhere in the city.

Yes. I'm a huge fan. Yes. And we said, oh my god. Are you kidding? And she said, no. Now there's a little romantic two-seater situation. Teddy cab.

So Ari and I jump in. There's no place for you to go except right smack on my big old dickenballs. Yeah, set right on that twig and a berry. Oh, it's a twig. All right. Twig. And plenty of thorns on it, if you know what I mean.

A lot of, a lot of red berries. Yeah. Valtrex. And they're poisonous. And I locked you in, seatbelt around the hips. And I'm really proud of us because it was quite intimate and we were very mature about it. Yes.

We really fucked in the ass. I appreciated that. Every bump I got another inch inside me. I was holding you in there too because this lady was just weaving through traffic and cutting across everywhere. Yeah, Nikki. And she had Serena Williams' legs, you know? Those legs were something and when she, she had to stand

to pedal and that booty is right in your face. Right in your face. She was a big brick house. She was beautiful also, let's say. Yeah. Nice looking lady, I guess. If you like a man. No, I'm kidding.

She could listen. No, she's dead now. She got hit by a clipper ship. Nice lady and she drove us all the way home. It was a good 15 minute bike ride and plus she was going uphill and really hoofing. Those thighs were moving and shaking. Yeah.

And it felt like when Kramer's riding, hey, that's a girl's bike. That's what it felt like because they were like, look at these fucking quads, you fucking pieces of shit. We went, hey, fuck you. We got Nikki with us. You got that right. So we chuckled all the way home.

We got out. Didn't we go to Rodrigo's? Then we went to some steakhouse, some Brazilian steakhouse. The one where they bring you the meat on a skewer and they go, you want pineapple delight? And you go, yeah, sure. And they go, you want lamb chop? Yeah.

You want garlic steak? Yeah, sure. And it's arry at about eight pounds of meat. Yeah. He just kept going. It was unbelievable. He was like Elton John in 1979. Just sucking down beef packets.

Garfin' it down. He ate more than a gay aboriginal. But at that point, I was already hitting the wall too because we had three shows to go and I hadn't been sleeping. I was all topsy-turvy. Yeah. And it was a three show night. I changed my flight from Sunday to Monday.

So I watched the Patriots game and hang out. Yeah. Meet mind you, we got a big snowstorm coming in. Yes. Snowstorm coming. So Delta, I love Delta. God bless you. They offered us a free waiver.

So I said, I'm switching my flight. I watched the Patriots game, hang out all day. And that was Saturday night. Three shows. Three show. Not pretty, folks. Two is a doozy. Three is a kick in the dick.

Sure is. Midnight show. Woo. And it wasn't sold out. The other ones are all candy. It was all sold out. Easy peasy. This one's going to be midnight.

Going to get drunks on a Saturday and not sold out. So this is going to be work. And my midnight set, I got to tell you. It's not good. I heard that. I didn't end on a good note. I was tired of telling the same stories. And we had some repeat customers.

So I was like, I'll just try to tell this story and that story. I think it was like, maybe it was less fans or something. But I tried to tell a story about getting herpes. People were like, oh. That story is so funny. Oh, thanks. And yet on stage, people get freaked out because it's so horrific. Well, then I had this thing.

I had sex with a woman who was like four foot eight. She was like a little person. Yeah. Not a little person, but like borderline. And I'm, you know, six, 14. Sure. And we fucked on a playground because she was at her parents' house. Home.

She's like, I can't fucking my parents' house. Funny. That makes it funnier to me. Yeah. And she's like, let's go to the cemetery. And I was like, I don't want to get raped by a ghoul. Right. And people were like, ugh.

And she was like, what about the playground? So we fucked in the playground. And I was thinking from any distance, it looks like I'm fucking a kid. That's great. I love it. She's four feet tall. I'm six feet tall. We're just shadowy fingers.

We're on a playground. And the crowd was like, oh, come on. And I'm like, well, I'm not fucking a kid. I tell you, it's an adult. She had pubic hair. I got her pee. And then they went, oh, and it went deeper. And I told the story about having sex with a married woman.

I didn't know she was married. She started crying. She's like, I'm married. And people were like boo. Oh. Oh, yeah. Well, she was in the audience. And so it felt really, I just kind of got a lot of ooze and booze.

Yeah. Yeah, that was tough. I got a lot of booze too. Still hung over, but yeah, that was a rough one. I felt like I just crowd worked my way through that one because that was a time. Any time there's a repeat audience, you get in our head, folks. Because you go, I don't want to fuck you over and do the same jokes. You've heard it all.

It's not good. People do that. They go, I love you so much. I'll come back. And you go, I appreciate it. But it's going to fuck my anal. Yeah, it's hard. But sometimes it helps because you're like trying to come up with anything.

That's true. It forces you to jizz. But yeah, all right. So first show, our old pal Ryan tweets at us. Oh, this is big. This is a Denver native local Jew. Truck driver. Truck driver.

Yeah. So he comes up and he goes, he tweets at us. He goes, hey, I see you guys are coming to Denver. I'm coming to the show. I can't wait. You know what? I'm going to yell at Chipotle. Uh-huh.

And we go, ah, go nuts. So he yells Chipotle. Chipotle is started in Denver. The hub is in Den. Den hub. So they go, oh my God. I didn't realize these Jews are coming out. So we'll throw them a big thing.

So they show up. They give us all free Chipotle. There's a spread of a big bowl of guac, big bowl of salsa, chips galore. They give all the staff burritos. Uh-huh. We got to put an order in. They came back. We took a lot of photos.

We all ate burritos and lived it up. Yeah. Thank you, Joe. And, uh, Kenzie. Quinn. Quinn. Quinn. Nice.

Quinn was a looker, by the way. Quinn was a burrito bitch. Loved her. Joe was not so much a looker, but a nice guy. Great guy. Good dick. And we got them in the show. They had a few beers.

They brought us burritos. I could have used a couple burritos. I got one. That's fine. Whatever. We got one. The staff got one. All the comics got one.

It wasn't bad. Can't complain. We got jackets. Can't complain. We got hoodies. We got free Chipotle hoodies. Yeah. And that Instagram blew up.

But here's the thing. Everyone's commenting on the Instagram. We appreciate it like this. We did it. We did it. You guys did it. Dreams come true. The dream is the black card.

Not the black hoodie. We didn't get the card. We liked the card. So keep putting the pressure on. And, uh, we appreciate it. We appreciate it. The hoodies were very exciting. I mean, that was beautiful.

Oh, yeah. And I've been wearing mine. I've been sleeping in it and jerking off in it. Yeah. I wore mine to Q-Doba and just flipped them off and left. Nice. I'd wear mine to illegal pizza. But, uh, that guy was such a nudge.

What a douche. But a cool place. Check out illegal pizza when you're there. But keep tweeting at Chipotle. Hoodies are nice. But, uh, we want those black cards. Black card. I feel like we deserve it.

We plug it every day. We eat it every day. We get the card. We've spent, we've given Chipotle zillions of dollars. And we love you so much. I know we say horrible shit and we scare people, but, uh, come on. It's comedy, folks. Live your life.

Yeah. And, uh, and, and folks, keep bringing those Chipotle gift cards. We love them. We're running a little low and, uh, we're very appreciative of it. So hit the Patreon. I mean, I know you work very hard for your money. So only give what you can. But the Patreons three bucks.

We're putting some extra stuff on there. Bring gift cards. If you have the extra pie, even a $5 gift card is delightful. Whatever you got. And we got an Ariqueef coming up. We got some fun stuff in the works. Yeah. And we got mugs over at Merch Pop and the shirts, the Chipotle shirts.

Gotta thank Chipotle for the hoodies. We love them. We love the free burritos. Awesome stuff. Ryan and, uh, Andrea, his wife. Beautiful. Yeah. It was Andrea.

Oh, right. Andrea. Yes. Yes. So, uh, I know we got to wrap up here. Yeah. But, uh, can I just say this? Uh-huh.

You sure can. America. So we had the big snowstorm and it was Sunday and I had to get up at like six in the morning, seven in the morning and everybody's like, ah, you're crazy. You can't see your flight. It's going to be canceled. Just stay here. Watch football.

Eat wings. And I go, ah, I got to get back to my life in America. So I go to the airport, get on the flight next to me. I'm in Delta Comfort. I got bumped up next to me as an old man. It looks like Mark Twain, big mustache, white hair. Fun. And, uh, we got the seat open in the middle.

So it was perfect. And I noticed he's reading a big old paperback. Uh-huh. And I go, ah, look at the book. It's Doug Stanhope's book. Oh, no kidding. Yeah. I forgot the name of it.

It's his second book, by the way. All right. And I, uh, he puts it down and we both, you know, jizz. And I go, hey, what's, uh, you a fan? He goes, I love Doug Stanhope. He's so funny. He's like a Lenny Bruce of this era. And I go, oh, how about that?

And he goes, oh, you like comedy? I go, I love comedy. We start talking about Carlin, Louis, Burr, Chris Rock. We're going at it. And, uh, he's like a huge comedy nerd. He's like, I come out to New York. I'm going to come to the comedy cellar. I just sit there alone.

Ah, I'm an electrician. No. I was like, I'm a comedian. And he goes, what the hell are they? We exchanged information. His son's trying to be a comic. It's a whole thing. I regret everything.

But it was kind of cool. Like it's nice to see this old, this guy's like a professor. And he's obsessed with comedy. Wow. He loves Chris Rock the most. That was his favorite. I'm like, I can do his whole album back to front. Wow.

So that was a sweet moment. Then came out of the airport, pushed the old man out of my way. He fell down, broke a hip. I got my lift going. I tried to get that lift right when I got off the plane. I'm ready. I'm lifting. Yeah.

So I get downstairs looking for a black Toyota Camry. It says it's here. I get in. I get in the car. And this guy goes, what are you doing? And I go, ah, what? And he goes, I'm not a lift. Oh, no.

And I go, holy shit. I was in the car. Oh my god. He threw a bag in. The guy the whole time was going, no, no, no, no, no. But I was like, ah, this guy's Asian. Ah, cheers. And I was like, all right.

Get it up. Because no, this is not a lift. And I go, Jesus, it happens all the time. Main street. Yeah. So that was awkward. But I got to say this. And I know you're looking at the clock there, Fetty.

OK. So last night, I couldn't sleep. I took eight town all PM heroin. And I drug my aunt. But I was going through Instagrams. All right. The ones you're tagged in. Ah.

Ah. You know, the ones where people tag you. Yes. And I'm going through, going through. And I go back years and years. Wow. I went down like 2013 or whatever. I got Misty.

We've done so much. You've tagged me in so many. Lot of Mist. I had a big talk with Al. Like, I don't think Joe likes me. Oh, jeez. I did. I don't know.

I get weird vibes. Oh, god. But I saw the Instagrams. I believe you. Oh, wow. It was a beautiful thing. Misty, the ladies in bed going, Mark. How come I'm not horny?

Shut up, you old hag. I'm working with something here. So I threw a banana peel at her. And I kept jerking off to the pics of us. Oh, wow. Well, it's been some fun times. I mean, I tell you, I was all kinds of Misty out there. I kept talking about it.

Yeah. And people kept giving me shit. I went over to a Sunday. Everyone left. First of all, I extended the trip because everyone, Steve ran as easy as he was coming in. And, you know, he's still shell shocked from 9-11. He was flying in.

And he was supposed to fly in and get in at noon. But his flight got moved to 5 p.m. So I was like, we're going to hang out all day. So I kept up with my flight. Then he managed to get on a noon flight. So the guys took off earlier than I thought. Oh, yeah. We watched the Patriots game.

Going to the Super Bowl again. How hum, yon, yon. But then they left. And I was in that big empty condo by myself. And it was like, I always started sobbing. It's emptiness syndrome. Your kids have gone to college. They're in there alone with a basket of cookies.

It was crazy. It felt like the day after my wedding where I was like, I'm never going to see these people again. I love them so much. And then I'm looking at the condo. I'm like, there's the arcade where we were all playing. That's where we smoked cigars. That's where I jerked off when you were sleeping.

I knew I felt sticky. And you get sad. And then I went and met up with my old pal, Becca, again. I was like, boy, I'm so emotional. I just want to cry. And she's like, what's wrong with you? And I was like, I'm in touch with my feelings. My emotions.

You should try it. Yeah, it's a good. Emotions are good. I'm connected, baby. I've never felt so much love from you and Ari and Steve and the other guys. Patten. Yes.

The general. And it was just overwhelming. I had a similar conversation last night. I was with my wife. I said, I love Mark so much. Oh my God. I'm touched. Passionate love affair.

But you could say, I love you. And you've texted that to me. And I've texted it back many times. But it doesn't go in. I can't get it to go in my body. I've talked to Ellen about it. He's like, you got to let it in, you douche. I can't do it.

Well, you have trouble being loved. I said this to you years ago. Oh, hey, come on. At the time with Ruby, when we all went to that gig, I got really pissed at you. I can't remember why. Oh, yeah, we had a big fight in the car. But I was like, why can't you understand that people care about you?

Yeah, I don't buy it. I also bought your card and threw your party that you blew off. Yeah, well. That was hurtful. Well, I'm glad I brought it up. But I said, you got to accept love. You have to accept that you're loved. Not by most.

I mean, those women hated you in Denver. That's true. But most of them do. But I love you. All right, well, thanks. The fans do too. And I love you. And I love all of you listening.

Shelby, I'm hot and cold on. We're working through it. Where are you going to be there, dickless? Oh, man, I'm going to be all over my mother's tits. By the way, it's funny when people don't. They just don't. They're not funny. They don't hang with you.

Yeah, like I'm like hanging with people in Denver. You're like, oh, come in my sister's ass and punch my dad in the dick. And people are like, what are you drawing with you? We got to report this guy. Well, it's a funny thing to say. That's abnormal. That's what makes such a funny situation. It's like I kicked out of DeVry.

Is this customary in your legal system? No, that's what makes it such a humorous situation. All right, anyways, folks, this weekend I'm off. But I'm at the cellar. But anyways, next weekend, February 8th through the 10th, I'm at the Stress Factory in New Brunswick. It was originally supposed to be this weekend. It got moved.

So make sure you spread the word. Spread your ass cheeks. Clip your toenails. February 8, 9, and 10, I'm at the Stress Factory in New Brunswick, New Jersey. Yeah. Come out to that. And then Valentine's Day Eve at the hideout in Beantown with our pal,

Gary Veter. Come out to that. It's a Beanpot special hideout Boston, February 13th. And adding all kinds of stuff and dates here. I don't know. I haven't actually haven't added that much, to be honest. But I'll be at Moon Tower with the old Marcus over there. Tacoma, Washington, April 26th and 27th.

Ann Arbor, April 4th through the 7th. Comedian Joe List. Check out the Patreon. Tell a friend and go to merchpump.com. Get some mugs. Tell them where you're going to be there, Mark. Hey, hey. Thanks, everybody, who came out to Good Nights and the Southern.

Appreciate that. Praise Allah. Thank you. But this weekend's going to be a nasty one. I'm at the stand also in New York City. And then I'm opening for Bert Kreischer at the Wilbur Theatre. So we're going to get Sloppy and Jalopy. So come out to that.

Then I'm at Dr. Grins. Let's say hi to the other two's gay coming out there. Let's hit some bonuses and make some nice tea. Then Clea... Sorry. Buffalo, New York, Helium. Love Buffalo. Hopefully it won't be too chilly.

Helium and Philly. Probably one of my favorite clubs in my top three. Love that city. Love that club. Thank you, Jesus. Charlotte Comedy Zone. Eat your own asshole. Then it's St. Patrick's Day.

So get Sloppy on me. Laughing Skull Atlanta, Georgia. After that. Then I'm in Bloomington, Indiana. Is that Indiana? Yeah, Bloomington, Indiana. Yeah, Comedy Attic. Love that room.

Then I'm doing that Long Island Cinema. Oh, yeah. That's the one where the guys fought. It's a cool room. Nice guy. What town is that? Huntington. Huntington, Long Island.

Rich Town. That's April 6th. So please come out to that. Then we're at Bananas in Hasbrook Heights, New Jersey as well. And then the Moontower Fest. And Mugubi's Joke House. More to come. MarkNormanComedy.com.

Coming to a city near you. Hit the Patreon. Yella Chipotle. We're close to that card. We're an inch away from the black. Yes. So we're gonna make it, folks. And we love all of you.

We love each other. We just realized I hate myself. I've done it for years. We'll see you in hell. Take it easy. All right. Thank you. Thanks.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.