Tuesdays with Stories! - #231 Bukookie

Episode Date: February 6, 2018

It's another great Tuesdays as Mark & Joe lament the closing of two iconic NYC movie theaters before getting into what three words Mark used to offend a morning T.V. show host and Joe's trip to Boston with Ari Shaffir! Sponsored by: Mack Weldon (Code: TUESDAYS) Become a subscriber to our Patreon for the latest LIVE bonus pod with Michelle Wolf & Ari Shaffir! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download Go on iTunes and give the pod a #5StarLunch review!

This is a Stand Up New York Labs production, providing you podcasts since 2013. Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard.

And then the duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe Less. Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody.

Nah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. There we go. We're live, folks. We're back. Yeah, we are. Boy, these are high times, exciting times. And it's really, I feel like it's really catching on and heating up and rolling down and smoking

cock, you know? Yeah, cock smoke. Cock smoke. I love... I feel like things are rolling back the right way. Things seem okay. Everybody's kind of getting their eyes open and their ass all gaping. Did you watch...

Did you watch Crashing It All? I gave up a while ago. Pete Holmes has a bit of a... Hmm... Oh, boy. A lot of people are listening to this. I like the guy we're friends. I think he's a hell of a comic, but I feel like, you know, he's like nachos.

In the beginning, you're like, hey, this is fun. Then there's a window. Ah, you got a window. Yeah, before... A nacho window. That's real soggy and gay. So it's a nacho for you. Nacho Libre.

But I like him. I think he's a talented guy. Obviously, looking at his career. Yeah, we're watching the show, Sarah and I, because it's fun to see everybody. You're like, hey! I like that. There's Gullman. Gullman was in last night.

Oh, nice. And, you know, Schultz and... But there was the Bill Burr episode. It's worth watching. It might be the best episode they ever did. Oh, yeah? And it was fun because they let Burr address all the PC and Artie. Artie was really funny.

He's like, when I do a show, he's like, if it's a man that groans, I'm like, turn the lights up. I got to see this guy. He's like, what is a 26-year-old man doing, getting offended by something? That's great. Patrice always had that line. He's like, if I ever hear a man say the word inappropriate, I'm going to kill him. I'm going to punch him in the face. That's great.

It's very... But it was nice to get it out there. Bill Marr had a great speech and now, you know, Burr's doing it. Let's get that shit out there, you know? Bill Marr, that was riveting. I mean, people, a lot of people hate Bill Marr. If you read his comments, it's like this fucking smug piece of shit. He's such a douche.

I hate him. Lefty-faggot guy. But he's great. He's just keeping it real. I love Marr. I always love Marr. He seems like a smug douche, but... Yeah, and a bit of an addict.

Sexually in marijuana. Oh, really? Oh, loves the weed and gash. Well, I love sex myself. I just love it, you know? You think about it all the time. Sex drive is plummeted, but it's still out of control. Ah, interesting.

You know what I mean? I get the whole jizz. I get my rocks off with people wanting to fuck me and them allowing me to fuck them, but the actual act of it is not that exciting for me. It's like another old Patrice bit. He's like, when I'm having sex, all I'm doing is thinking about jerking off to the sex I'm having. Exactly. It's gonna be nice when I'm by myself and I can focus and you have the time to be like,

ah, now I'm enjoying this. It's just once you're banging, it's just like, I gotta please. I gotta please. Satisfy. Satisfy. Do a good job. Well, here's what happens sometimes. If she comes first...

Oh, that's the best. I guess, but now I'm panicking because every second she's losing interest. Think about how you feel when you come. Oh, I never thought of that. That's why it's bad for me. I think women are different, though. I guess. I think they go, hey, this is great.

Because women can fuck up jizz and just go jizz again. Yes, some. Not the ones I ever met, but... I'll show you some videos. Please do. A manual would be helpful. All right. A man, too.

A woman, you all. You never hear a woman, you all. Write it down. All right. A woman, you all. That could be something. How about woman handle? I'm taking my lady out to a show tonight.

If I wore a nice Ted Baker, but they don't breathe. I'm sweating over here. I can see the moisture coming out of that thing. It's brutal. It's like itching my nips are itchy. What is it? Denim? Or linen.

Maybe it's linen. Yeah, linen breathes, though. That's like nylon. No, I don't know what this is. It's something, but it's stuck on my back. I mean, there's the old photo on my Instagram. Scroll back a couple of years. I did a corporate gig with Stone.

Yes. And it's like the craziest dark blue. It looked like someone was attacked by a water balloon bandit. Uh-huh. A WBB. But that's my favorite porn. White, beautiful... Bitch.

Yeah, I was going to say, I'm trying to think of something funnier. Like... Baboon. Baboon. Yeah. A white baboon. Oh, but they all have a blue ass. That was a rare.

Um, but anyways. Yeah. But if she comes first, I feel this pressure because I feel like for every minute that passes, it could be up to 40 minutes where she's just like, all right, all right, what the fuck? I want to watch Full House. Yeah, and I do this horrible dumb, stupid logic where if she wants me to come, I can't come. If she's like, come on already.

I'm like, ah, now I can't do it. Of course. But then, so I try to trick my own dumb brain and going, don't come, don't come. Because when I tell myself not to come is when I'm jizzing all over the ceiling fan. Interesting. Oh, that's got to go everywhere. It's high. The jizz hits the fan.

Oh, that's fun. Uh-huh. Um, that could be a t-shirt. And then the back is just sprayed with little white sprinkles, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a splatter paint. Something to think about. Remember a hyper-color?

Do I? I'm wearing one right now. That's what this shirt is. Oh, yeah, I guess you're right. It's changing. Yeah, you had to blow on it and it would be blue. Right. Right.

Our hot water. You can put hot water on it? Hot water, man. Any temp. Oh, interesting. Which sucks. Well, for me, I was a sweaty douche. So I had a big blue armpit.

The rest of the shirt was yellow. What started us on the sex thing? The sex drive, the coming. Oh, yeah. I get turned on by them wanting to fuck me. Because to me, I'm like, if a woman's letting me put my horrific, you know, rod of meat inside of her, I'm like, this is crazy. To me, that's the turn.

I'm like, this is unbelievable. I can't believe this is happening. This thing I think about all the time is happening. Yeah. But then the actual like, okay, she got to hit the clip. All right, my work, got the leg up, you know. All that. It's to pull the hair, pretend to be, you know, sexy.

It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot of stress to work as you're thinking about what you're thinking about. What you want. And then you're like, is that too weird? Right. Sometimes I'm like, just fucking let me come on your bush and eat it, you know. And then they'll like, what?

And I'm like, never mind. I'm sorry. Look at this. Those times when you just let it rip, it goes the best. She's got to let it rip and you got to let it rip. And sometimes you got to rip together. Yeah. You got to let it rip.

Creeps. Creeps farts the whole shebang. Oh yeah. Shebang. Shebang. Shebang. But anyway, I want to start on a side. I was going to mention this at the end, but I thought I'd mention it early so we can kind

of build back up to happiness because this tragedy has struck the Upper West Side. Is that right? No. And the Lower East Side. Stand up, New York is closing. No, we're in it right now. Oh yeah. I mean, it can't be long now, but we're joking of course.

Come to stand up, New York. It's the hell of a club, 78th and Broadway. Good club. One of the New York staples. It's a staple since 1986, the year the Mets beat the Red Sox in the World Series. That's right. And back to the future two. No.

No. It took a show. Oh, Ferris Bueller. Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Top gun. Top gun. Back to the future, we have 85, 89 and 90. But 86, Celtics beat the Rockets in the NBA Finals.

All right. Yeah. It was a fun year. Top gun. Ferris Bueller. Beastie Boys. License to ill, I think. Real communication.

Which one was which? I think ill. Yeah, license to ill. And I think that's still the number one rap of all time, which is a real kick in the dick to the Negroes. No. That must have. Jay-Z must have passed that.

You think so? I think. I think Kanye and Jay-Z are like huge. Well, I mean, there's a lot of white dicks out there, you know, buying this stuff. I know, but whites buy the blacks. That's true. I don't know if the blacks are buying the whites. Yeah, that's a good point.

Some blacks buy whites. That's true. They like the big T's. Who knows? Shelby's on it. He's looking some stuff up over there, but you never know. Yeah. I heard this news many years ago, so it could have changed by now.

What do you got there, Shelfish? Shelfish? Number one, Outcast 2 and 3 M&M. Oh, that's right. The Outcast blew up, but that was like poppy. That was hey-ya. Yes. Hey.

That was like one of the crossover hits. I know you like to think. Oh, shit. Don't think. Yeah. I'm sorry, Miss Jackson. Ooh. That one was earlier.

That was early Outcast. I love Outcast. I think that's one of my top rappers. And that was the early one. Ah, poos that foos. Everybody move to the back of the bus. That was like 90. That was like late 90s.

Yeah, that happened for quite a while. Big high school gang for me. Andre 3000 saw me do comedy at the cellar one time. Really? Yeah, he sat in the corner. He stood in the corner, actually. He is very handsome. Is he?

Whoa. What are you kidding? He's striking. Great jawline. Pull up on Andre. No, you're thinking a big boy, I think. Big boy's gross. No, 3000's gross.

3000's a model. No. He's gorgeous. He's in the Donis. Starved and afroed up. He's crazy looking. Get it good. Look at that smile.

Ear to ear, man. Doesn't he pot marked and weird? Look at that. That's a good looking black. I'm thinking of somebody else. You're thinking of Ernie Hudson. Who's that? Rock Hudson.

He's the black ghost buster. Oh, is that right? That was supposed to be Eddie Murphy. Is that right? That's what I heard. He could be a rumor. He would have stolen that puppy, huh? I know.

Instead, it's a one-man show. They steal the black. Yeah, well, that would have been a whole... I stepped on that one. It would have been a whole weirdness with those. Stay puffed. Puffed. Puffed.

P-U-F-T. Yeah, I don't like that. I don't like puff. Well, that's incorrect. By the way, speaking of rappers, and we have a lot of African-Americans listening, write it into us in sincere life. He's a rapper himself. But I've just re-heard...

I don't know if that's a word, but re-heard word. I was at Starbucks and they were playing the police, Every Breath You Take, Cover the P-Ditty. Oh, yeah. And, you know, in tribute to Biggie. Biggie dying. Some of the worst lyrics I've ever heard. Like, he's a bad rapper.

He stinks. He's a great producer, but... Yeah, he's a talent. He's a mogul. He's like, boy, am I sad because we had some times that was so bad. It's like, she's dick, like... It's like nursery rhyme. Shit.

I hope you come back because your skin was real black. It's like, I couldn't believe it. Wow. It was like, one of the worst songs. Yeah, that is bad. But anyway... It's not good. Anytime when they sample, too, like Kanye does that a lot with the sampling.

Like, he'll take like a Led Zeppelin song, and then... Oh, he does a Queen song. That was Vanilla Ice you're thinking of. Well, that's a different one. But he does a... We are the champions. Oh, really? And it's my friend.

And he tries to sing it. It's brutal. It's so bad. But some of the sampling is great, like Hard Knock Live. That was fun. That was fun. And sexy. But anyways, Tragedy has befallen the great city of New York.

And the city... What happened? It's got me... It's got me all tied up and twisted in knots, and I almost cried last night. Talk to me, Fatty. I missed this. Lincoln Plaza Cinemas. Oh, I heard.

I did hear about this. Close. Close it. For good. And so is Landmark Sunshine. Oh! Down your own neck of the way. The second avenue?

Yeah, we went and saw... Oh! You, me, and Ari went and saw Ghost Story, that piece of shit. Worst movie in the planet. Literally, number one and number two best cinemas in the whole city are dead. Wow. Now it's just Angelica and IFC. And folks, if you're in New York, if you can hear me, if you're with an ear shot, please

go support these old indie movie houses. Yes. Go to IFC. Go to Angelica. Whatever your local town is, go to the movie house and save these places because there are treasures. Lincoln Plaza, we went there. You fell asleep during the Steve Jobs thing.

Oh, yeah, yeah. That was hot. We went and saw... I mean, I've seen so many movies there after my dental work this summer. I went every time I left the dentist. I went straight to Lincoln Plaza. It was underground. You took the escalator down there.

There was an old Jew ripping tickets and a crazy black guy seating you. Mm-hmm. And there was a Bogart statue and it's just a classic old movie house. And it's dead. It's gone. Wow. That is a real kick in the pants. What a bummer.

That one on Lincoln Center was classic. I saw a Woody Allen movie there alone as a child. It's just... Yeah, I did after Sarah and I went and saw Ryan Adams and then I walked over there by myself and went and saw the last Woody Allen Club Cafe Society, which was fine. Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, it's coming down on him, by the way. He's done.

What happened? A new thing? Well, just thought they're all starting to finally say, hey, enough is enough with this guy. Interesting. And then Diane Keaton came out and she was like, he's my friend. He didn't do it. I believe him.

And then people were like, fuck you, you dirty cunt. You piece of shit. Man, it's getting ugly out there. Yeah. Well, I mean... People... I mean, it doesn't seem that healthy. Like, I know it's in the guise of, hey, we're heroes and we're saving the world.

But like, I don't know. It feels a little bully-ish, if I may say so. Yeah, but ironically... He's accused... Louis C.K. is calling him. Whoa! You got to take it. I can't take it.

I'm on the air. Pause it. There's no way. Pause it. Louis C.K. is calling. No, no, no. It's because I keep missing him. I'm going to block the door.

This will be an hour call. Wow. What a call. I can't believe he's going to produce a show for us. We're back. Hey, folks. Louis C.K. is producing a film called Tuesdays with Stories. Wow.

Directed by Woody Allen. Yeah. It's amazing. Storing Bill Cosby. Yeah, it's going to be crazy. Bill Cosby is going to play Mark. And Coach Vassar is going to play... Nassar.

What's his name? Nassar. Oh, fuck. Nassar. He's the MSU guy. I don't care for racing. He's going to play me. If I could have got that out, it would have been funnier.

All right. Well, now, Louis... You guys are going to get lunch. We're going to have lunch. It's lunch. Okay, folks. Live from his home. And he's live, folks.

Don't worry. He sounded chipper. Yeah, he's chipper. That's good to hear. I think he's doing okay. And hopefully he'll be back. I mean, that's enough already with this. Yeah.

Well, he's a talented comedian. And we'd like to hear some new material. Well, trade you Woody for Louis. Woody's out. Woody's stunk for years. He's 85 years old. He touched a kid. He's out.

And Louis's back in. What do you say? I agree. He's the best of the movie making. Yes. It's like Bridges Spies. We'll do a trade. We'll give you him for him.

Yeah. We'll give you the Nazi. We'll take the Jew. Exactly. Well, no, we're giving the Nazi. We'll take the Jew. But neither one's a Nazi. Woody's a Jew.

Yes, he is. All right. Well, Louis's Mexican. Yeah, that's something. That's close to a Nazi. Yeah, well... They're rapists. Build a wall.

But anyways, so the Lincoln Plaza Cinema is dead. And it's just a sad thing because all these... It's just all fucking Iron Man and the Black Panther and X-Men and fucking Suck My Dicks and sequels and just remakes and it's bumming me out. And we're going to have no place left to go to see indie flicks and documentaries. And I would go to that cinema all the time and it's ruining the fabric of our city. It's going to be a TD bank or whatever the fuck. It's how it goes, Faddy.

I mean, it's like, you know, print is dead, radio is on the way out, movies, everybody watches Netflix. You watch from home. Like the Red Box and the Hooloos. I know, but it's the experience. I agree. The experience, you get your popcorn and the hope, you go downstairs and it all smells like popcorn.

I love it. They have six screens and it's lower level. But people want... I've read all these articles. People want the vibrating seat and the fucking beer and the layback and... I hate it. And I think it's $58. It sucks my asshole.

But you know what? Some shimmering light of anal is the fact that theater is still alive because you need the live and live music and live comedy. I know, but these independent films are going to be crushed. They're going to be like, no, we can't fund it because we've got to have this. And it's just an Upper West Side New York City staple. I've been going there. I've probably been there a hundred times and Landmark, it's a little further out of the

way for me, but an even better theater. They had the stadium style and it just... We were just there. It's my favorite. Two best theaters are gone. So go support these places for God's sake. Ironically, it'll be probably replaced by Staples. Maybe.

Interesting. What can you do? Anyways, that's a bummer. Isn't it funny? Because movies for us were a huge part of my childhood. My parents are gay and so I needed an escape. My neighborhood was horrible. We're just quoting, back to the future, Ferris Bueller, 86, John Hughes.

And I feel like these kids aren't going to have that. It's a bummer. They're going to be like, oh, remember that great quote in X-Men? Right, right, yeah. Yeah. Kills me. And then right after I've got this news, Derek texts me and says the Coliseum, the LA Coliseum is now being called the United Airlines Coliseum.

Right on top of the other, the Los Angeles Coliseum built in 1923 is now the United Airlines Coliseum. Yeah, it's a bummer when the Superdome in New Orleans changed to the Mercedes-Benz Superdome. It's too long. Come on, people are raped in there. That place has some meaning. Yeah.

Right? Anyways, where have you been? You got some notes over there. I can see you're eager to touch a dink. I'm worried here just because my notes say, flutorale, double tree, cookie. Oh boy. Yeah, but I'll try to really paint an anal here. Yeah, throw some cum in it.

Yeah. They like when we say cum, I think. Yes, cum is good. It's great. It is. It creates life. The taste is a little off-putting, but I mean, we wouldn't be here if it wasn't for co-

Isn't that so crazy? We wouldn't be here if it wasn't for jizz. That's why it's weird when you jizz in a girl's face and she goes, and you're like, come on, that's good stuff. Well, I think it's supposed to get some permission for it. You know, I've mentioned it. I send her an email. Sometimes you jizz in your own face by accident because you get a thumb in your ass and it

shoots that thing. I've done. My dick is a real upstart. It really points to this guy. It's religious. It's like a black football player who scores a touchdown. It goes right up. Oh, Joe just spit all over the place.

I just wanted. It wasn't vomit. It was water. Shelby looks pissed. Don't worry. It's not your place. It looked like gum. It's water.

It's like the challenger just shoots up and erupts. Water! Sorry. I'll rub it in. Shelby, you look very upset. It looked like you were really pissed. No, no. It was just water.

It was water. I couldn't swallow it and I thought I had a line with the challenger there, but I felt like I wanted to contribute. All right. Well, the challenger was less unappealing. I know. The challenger is the greatest thing that's ever happened in the history of society, by the way.

It was the 80s. 86! 86! Yes! That's the challenger went up to the moon and tried to go up there and bombed. No moon. No moon. Yeah.

But it was the teacher the whole world. It's literally, to me, even more than like Jack Ruby getting shot, it's the craziest thing in the history of television. Yeah. It was a teacher and everyone knows the story. She's a teacher. She won a contest, the whole thing. Oh, that's right.

And then her family, her parents are watching. They're cutting to her, her students, the whole thing, the whole world, all the schools, and it just explodes right in front of them on national TV. Unbelievable. Insane. Wow. I hit my wrist. Well, they say NASCAR, the reason you watch is for the crashes.

Well, that's not NASA. It's not that, though. Uh-huh. NASA. Yeah. Where's George Collin calls them? Nass holes. Oof.

Well, he had a few. He had a lot of stinkers. I dropped that. But you put out 10 hours and three books, some of them are going to be clunkers. That mass hole is pretty good for Massachusetts. Yeah, I take offense to it personally. Wow. All right.

So, you're in Raleigh, you ate a cookie and you flew. Well, I did Jim and Sam's show, which is my favorite thing, because did I tell you I was taking lifts to the JFK? And that's a $60 pop right there from my abode. And I was taking a lift, and I did the math, because I do the road every weekend. So that's a lift there, and I'll live home every weekend. 120. It came out to, you know, a good four grand a year.

Yeah. Which I could spend that on, you know, a Bosnian kid, or, you know, 10 cents a day for a kid. Or a kid with a distended belly in Africa. So I figure, hey, let's save that dough. So I start doing Jim and Sam when I have a flight, because they'll give you a ride. Oh, that's nice. So not only do I get the exposure and the plug, I also get the ride. That's not bad.

Not bad. And you get a breakfast. I didn't really have an app. Aha. I don't know. All right. Five stars. Challenger.

NASA. So I get to Raleigh, and boy, what a city. Yes. I'd never been. It's cute. It's quiet. It was like, I had that moment when you were in a city and you go, this is why people don't like New York.

Because this is so fresh, and the sun is shining, and you've got your own sidewalk, and there's no crime. Everybody's nice. People are nice. I mean, they take a little longer to get a coffee, but other than that, it's pretty great. I got to go where the pace of life is slow. Yeah. And obviously, if I stayed there for four days, I'd probably cut my own asshole off.

But at a two-day, three-day span, it's not too shabby. But we're on the road anyway. You think about it. I was talking to Nate Barghatsi in Nathaniel. He lives in Nashville, and he's doing great, and you do well enough on the road. You can live wherever you want. That's true. You can move to Texas, and then all your flights are three hours at most, essentially.

Yeah. You're right. We're mobile. We're portable. Going mobile. So yeah, stay to the double tree, which is a double-edged cock, because that cookie situation, I turn into you. At OCD, I have to get a cookie every time I enter the building.

It's nice. You can really take those cookies, and then you pretend, I put on a disguise, I'll put on a hat and glasses, and keep eating them. Right. I put a kid on my shoulders. We wore a trench coat, the whole thing. And they're warm. Gah!

A warm cookie really is like a nice, tight pussy. It's similar, kind of. There's chips in there. I get it. Yeah. You get crumbs on you. There's hair in it. It's black.

So. Stack them. Mm-hmm. Free to hotel. So. And also, you can walk to the club, which I love. So I'm just, I'm living like Mayberry. You know?

It's like this cute little town. Everything's clean and nice. No hobos. And I'm just... Walk to the club with a cookie in my hand. It's very wholesome. That sounds nice. It's very nice.

And it's like, wow, what a club. Holy hell. Good nights. Good nights. Good days. Good club. And then Brandy is the manager. She's a...

The singer? No, no. She's actually more fun than her. Upbeat, drug-addicted, boozebag, black lady who's fun and exciting. And I mean that at all. Positive lights. I'd like to show me now, just reach us for the pen and paper to make a note, as soon as you start talking about anybody.

Oh, yeah. It's like, I'll put down the time. We need a title. For Thursday, when we email and go, oh my God, I can't say this about old Brando. Well, this is how great Brandy is. She's just sweet and nice and pretty and fun. And she goes, oh, oh, I don't know if you, if you're interested, but there's a great bar show after this.

Bar show? Yeah, which is fun to have a, because usually you go to a bar show, you got to hide it from the club. Oh, a bar show. A bar show. A comedy. Yes. I don't know why I thought, the way you enunciated it, I thought it was like a show where they

show bars, like a gun show or an air show. What, like Best Bars in America? A bar show. Yeah, yeah. Oh, interesting. Yeah. No, I wouldn't be down for that. But so we go to the show and it's killer.

It's like a great bar show, like two blocks down the road, and it's like the comedy scene is thriving, and all the young comics know us, they give them Chipotle cars, they're buying drinks, and it was crazy, because they're all like, you like the Scotch, let me buy you a Scotch, they know what we drink. Wow. And they're just great guys, and they're all comedy nerds, and so I'm like, look, I got press, it's 7 a.m. 7 a.m. press. Try not to drink, so I only have three Scotches, that's what I cut myself at.

That's not so bad. It's not so bad, it's 10 p.m. I can still make it. And you cut yourself? Yes, I'm a cutter. Good for you. I can go on, I have a good set, it's nice, and all the kids are such nerds that they're like, oh that's new material, I heard that once on a Conan, but I like that one, oh that's a tag, I never heard, like they're that ingrained.

Wow. It's crazy, and then I did 18 more shots, now I end up at Milk Bar, I'm at some other bar, and I am really just boozing it up, and yeah, I go home, eat a cookie, oh and Reesh, I gotta give a shout out to Reesh. Ryan Reesh? No, Reesh is our Indian fan, he's like, I wanna be the number one Indian fan. Yeah, come to everything, he flew to New York to see us, he was coming to Denver, he's going here, he's going there, he's going to Moontower.

Wow. Yeah, Reesh. Reeshy! Yeah, 9-11, so a great guy, Reesh, he gave that card from him. Oh, thank you, Reesh. Yeah, gave him some Chipotle anal, and boom, you get home, you get to the, uh... Cards says Josh. Cards says what?

That's for you, your joke. Cards says Josh on it. Oh, alright. Well, Reesh, sorry, I tried to help you out there, a different guy gave me that card. Big bold letters, love Josh Mandelbaum. Try to support Reesh. Josh Mandelbaum, stay pregnant, or poignant, stay poignant, I don't know what that means. Poignant?

Oh, that's it. Maybe you've sensed the Lincoln Plaza thing coming. Ah. Well hey, Josh Malenberg, I appreciate it, but Jews don't give out money gifts that often. No, that's a good Jew. Thank you, Joshua, appreciate it, and fuck you, Reesh, it's your card. Uh, yeah, well, Reesh'll come see us in Moontown, he'll give us a whole Chipotle franchise. Well, I want a Magnolia when I come to Austin.

Oh! I want whatever, I want a Sound Creek. Yeah, come on. But some woman last time gave me a Magnolia gift certificate, and it was delightful. Wow. Where were we at? Oh, that's right, we went with Louie. That was glorious.

What a trip that was. We love you, Louie! Ah! Please, answer my email. So, uh, yeah. Boom! I get home at 4 a.m., obviously, because I go out the whole night, now I'm 38 whiskies in.

And, uh, you know, I just get a cookie, I fall asleep, half the cookie on my chest. Oh! Fun, I've done that with cum. I got boo-cookied. Hey! And, uh, so I wake up at 7 a.m., and, uh, the brandy's down there, she's hung over too, and holy hell, we just really do it up. Two radio, one TV, it wasn't pretty.

I go to this radio show, two sports guys, it was sports radio first, then classic rock, then the morning news. Mm-hmm. 8 a.m., I'm hung over, I hate myself, I'm fat, I'm gay, we're driving there, and, uh, sports guys, we show up, it's these two old black guys, and they're both, like, holding cigars, and it was like, Mike and K-Mac. K-Mac. Oh, wow.

And I go in, and these guys were the best, you know those guys in radio who just laugh at everything you say? Yes. Just, and they were doing that, but it seemed real. Oh, that's nice. It was great. It was real. I'd be like, uh, so, uh, yeah, I'm from New Orleans, and I grew up on a crazy house.

Yeah, motherfucker, house crazy, baby, yeah, tell us more. Well, you know, I got robbed a lot, oh, shit, you were the white family, and they're hitting like bells and glockenspiels and, uh, you know, triangles, the whole thing, air horns, and I was like, yeah, yeah, my dad ran out of money so he had to make half of it a bed and breakfast. Oh, motherfucker, got Airbnb in this bitch, god damn, you know, like, oh, it was great. Sounds great. Something like Cat Williams' show.

Really, yeah, and we just had a lot of fun, and then I got their numbers and we were gonna go get a cigar later. Oh, wow. Yeah, so, uh, that was cool, great guys, so I was like, oh, that was awesome, up and at them, you know, I'd be like, I'm hungover, like, oh, shit, Hennessy, and, uh, yeah, then I left there, went to the next radio, that one sucked, then went to morning TV, it's like K-W-W-K-K-K-Rolly, so I was like, all right, yeah. So we go there and it's this big blonde lady who's very presentable, very pretty, nice

hair, you know, news lady, and we get behind the desk, she's like, I just love comedy, I love all that you guys do, I'm gonna come out to a show, what do you guys talk about out there? And I'm like, well, and I start talking, she's like, shh, she puts the finger up, cuz like the ear fucking, the secret service thing is talking. F-C-C. Wow, we're not on the air yet. Oh, I see.

So they're like giving the booth, what do you got, the program guy, it's like giving her shit. The booth, there shall be. Yes, yes, yes, they talk more. But so then we go on live, like here we go, three, two, one, and she's like, hey everybody, you want a good laugh, you gotta go down to good nights, this guy's going on Conan, Colbert, whatever, Mark Normand everybody, and I go hey, hey, and she goes, Mark, I gotta say, how the hell did you get into comedy?

And I go, well, you know, I like to do a yuck-em-up, class clown, I'm gay, cut, cut, cut, well, you can't say gay. Oh boy. But what if I was gay? It's all very strange, these rules. Why can't you say gay? I don't know, I think they assumed I wasn't, so like you can't say gay if you're not gay. The Flintstones said gay.

Did they? They had a gay old time. They had a gay old time. Yeah, well, maybe I could say that. There's prime time, 1960. I should have taken my shoes off and pushed a car. Exactly. So then we go, all right, here we go again, three, two, and I go, oh yeah, she goes, so

what can we expect at your show? And I was like, well, you know, I just talked about a little everything, race, women, dating, my penis. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you crazy? You can't talk about your cock. I was like, I said penis, it's a medical term. So then we had to do it again and the comics are there and they're dying and the brandy's

there, she's dying, but they're getting mad at me because they're like, they want to go home. And I was like, all right, here we go. And she goes, so now I'm pissed. So she goes, all right, so I guess your show is adults only. And I go, yeah, you gotta have pubes to get in that building. And she was like, Jesus Christ. It was a great time.

The whole thing took six hours. Also it's a nightclub. Yeah, it's adults only. Of course. You're gonna have a playing jazz. It's the nightclub. I know. You can't come to the nightclub if you're a child.

Exactly. I'm trying to, also I'm a comedian, I'm trying to be somewhat humorous and, you know, be a little jovial because it's a goddamn comedy show I'm promoting. So they hated me and I mentioned, she goes, I see here you do a podcast called Tuesday with Story. That is brilliant. Oh, shit. That you liked?

Little pun there. All right, fine. Yeah, it's brilliant. I do it with my friend, Joe Liz, you know, blah, blah, blah. We talked about this. She's like, what are you guys talking about? I'm like, well, we talked about the booze we drank and the women we had and they're like, Jesus.

So it was just, so basically it's me going, that's the whole clip. Oh, Jesus. Well, but hey, we had a good time. Oh boy. Well, that sounds like a fun trip. I hope you were wearing your best Mac Weldon underwear. I always do, JoJo. Well, Mac Weldon is better than whatever you're not you.

You're wearing Mac Weldon. And so am I. I legitimately am, but you folks at home, if you're not wearing Mac Weldon, you're doing it wrong. Folks, Mac Weldon is better than anything you're wearing. Go to Mac Weldon.com. You know all about it. You can go and get 20% off right now using promo code Tuesdays.

That's plural Tuesdays. Mac Weldon's underwear socks and shirts. They look great. They perform well. I'm not joking. I wear them every single day. They got socks as well. Did I already say socks?

My anti-macrobial as well. Yes, they are. They defeat odor. You can wear them for six weeks and not have a pinch of odor. I love them. I love the hoodies, the underwear you can wear to work at. You can go on a hot date, underwear, socks, shirts, undershirts, sweatpants. You name it.

Not only does Mac Weldon's underwear, socks, and shirts look good, they perform well too. You can work out. You can go on a hot date, go cash, or to the bath house. Whatever you need. Go to macweldon.com and get 20% off using promo code Tuesdays. Promo code Tuesdays, macweldon.com. We'll see you later. Put on some nice threads and hit the dance floor.

All right. All right. We're back. We're back. We're live, folks. It's old Joe and young Mark. Oh, yeah. We're in Raleigh.

You got that right. So after the TV gig, we had a good, I feel like we bonded all the comics and the brandy because now we've seen us, you know, we've had a good laugh, a good yuck them up with the news lady. You're a fine girl. So we go to Big Eds. Oh, Big Eds. Because I like to do the, what's the hot joint in town?

Where do I have to go? The mom and pop. The Raleigh zone. Yes. So we go to Big Eds, which is like this old country cookout breakfast place. Old cunt. I'm talking breakfast sausage, you know, what do you call that? That country gravy.

Bacon. Yeah. And so we go there and they have the, if you can finish three pancakes, you get a free shirt and they take care of the meal. Wow. But they're about the size of Shelby's lips. I mean, these are like, what do you call it? Manhole.

Yikes. Or womanhole. Shelby didn't like that one. Oh, come on. I'm trying to include him more. You know, huge, like just a manhole or womanhole, you know, big circle. Huge tracks of land. Yes.

Like an areola. And part of me was like, ah, maybe I'll get it. But then the other guy who had been there a million times, like, don't do it. I tried last time. They make them bigger to fuck you. It's a trap. It's a trap, which is kind of a their loss because there's ways to go a ton of money on batter when they're just going to give away a shirt.

See what I'm saying? It's almost like an ego thing. No, but if you don't finish, you have to pay for it, right? Ah. That's how they get you. Good point. They get you to pay for it. Good point, but it's still $5.99 for three gigantic pancakes, but I guess they're still

making money in the end. They're making money. All right. You got me there. So we go there and we just, I just really got some, really some real slop. I like to go hard on those, you know, because you're feeling, you hate yourself, you're hungover and it's in the morning. You're on no sleep.

So you have no rules then. No rules. It all goes up the window. You know what I mean? It's always interesting to me. We were talking about this before that they're like breakfast is the most important meal of the day. But most of the time you're eating a ton of shit.

You're eating pancakes and like syrup, cereal, muffins, mac and cheese, bacon. Mac and cheese, bacon. I threw that in for, well bacon certainly is a big breakfast item. Good point. Yeah. French toast is garbage. It's bread and shit and sugar. Yeah.

Yeah. That's a good point. Well, so we got the nice country waitress. How y'all doing? You know, the, she's got the pencil in her hair kind of thing. Oh, that's fine. I love that. Yeah.

She calls everybody hun. Yeah. I bet she had wide hips. Did she have wide hips? Pretty girthy, pretty birthing hips. I'm picturing a big old wide hip, like a, like a tea, what do you call that? Hourglass. Not hourglass.

Hourglass is the reverse. Reverse of hourglass. Like a top. A ladle. A ladle. A ladle. What's the Jew thing? A ladle.

Yeah, a ladle. Come out and play. It's pointy at the bottom and then goes out and wide. Oh. A wide bottom. Fat bottom girls. Yeah. Make the rockin' world go round.

So she comes out. I'm, I'm joking with it. She's so jolly and giggly and I go, hey, we're waiting on one more. He's something, something pedophile. Oh, he is. He's at the playground right now. Oh my god. Jull hit the floor.

Well, that one's a little understandable. You're making pedophile jokes at eight in the morning. Well, she goes, uh, and she just stares me and doesn't bring eye contact. She goes, that is a horrible thing to say. And they changed waitresses. Oh wow. No, I'm kidding. Good for her.

No. Get out of there, Bertha. Don't deal with that. Here's the thing. Bertha. She came back and I had to like, I had to double up on the charm and cause you gotta, I'm still hammered basically. Yeah.

I was just yapping and beating myself, which she should never do. And she came back and I, I got her. I was, I was looking at the menu and I was doing jokes on the menu and she goes, this guy is funny. Oh, really? So she overlooked the child fucking. Yes. Which is not easy to overlook.

That's what Woody Allen has done. Exactly. There's so many jokes. They're like, who gives a shit. Uh, Michael Jackson as well. Yep. Yeah. He's such a good mover and a shaker that they go, ah, who cares?

He's got a fucking Ferris wheel in his backyard. All right. So we had a good time. We ate the meatloaf, pigged out and here's the clinker. Now my dumb manager set up a phoner for me at three. A phoner? Yeah. I got to do a phoner cause I'm doing Charlottesville on Sunday and we need some, some push.

Yeah. It's not easy to sell tickets over there. Well, it's a small town and they run over ladies in protests. Yeah. So. Well, that guy was from Ohio, I believe. Oh, is that right? I believe so.

Oh, well, Ohio. There's some, some characters over there for dead in Ohio. Neil Young. Yeah. Not bad. Uh, so, Kaepernick, Kaepernick, he kneels. Oh, Neil, I got you. That was a leap.

It was. All right. Leap frog. So, I got a phoner and now I get home at one because we spent all this time eating and walk around. I'm on no sleep. I'm hungover. It's one.

So I go, ah, I want to just sleep for like five hours. I need a good five or four hours, but I can't because the call is at three. No, the call. So, and I got a three o'clock call with her at a four o'clock, well, five o'clock with my manager where we're doing a pitch. He's like, pitch me on the phone, which is the most uncomfortable thing on the planet, by the way. Yeah.

No good. Pitch is going to show on the phone because I go, hey, here we go. And he goes, I'll stop you right there. And I go, ah, God, the whole thing took like an hour and a half. It was so embarrassing. Yikes. Yeah. Brutal.

I appreciate what he's trying to do, but it's, it's not pretty. So I fall asleep. I happen to wake up at like 2.58. I didn't set an alarm or anything. Wow. Phone rings. I answer it. We do the, the phone.

I'm groggy. I'm gay. Fall back asleep. Happen to wake up at five. Like, wow. 48 or so. It was crazy. It just worked out.

I had a mental clock. Good internal clock. I guess so. And then I got enough sleep. I did the phone. And we were good to go. But man, that pitch was. Ugh.

Yikes. It's not pretty. Doesn't sound fun. It's, uh, now it's Saturday night or Friday night. First show was the best show I've ever had in my entire comedy career. Really? It was sold out. It was just hot, smart, fun, people ready to laugh.

And the second show was a fucking nightmare. A dud. Isn't that wild? The first show, same jokes, same energy, same guy. Yep. But different people in the audience. Different people. And boy, were they different.

You just want to play the audio of the phone. Like, listen to these people reacting to these jokes. It was that thing where the front row is looking up at me with their arms crossed like, what are you doing? Yeah. And you're like, fuck you. This is gold, bitch. But no, they weren't having it.

And then you get that big laugh and you go, oh, thank God. But then it's gone. Yeah. Disappates in a matter of moments. It's there and it's gone. Like life. Yeah. We're here and then we're gone.

Like the Lincoln Plaza's cinemas. That's what I kept telling myself. This will end. You know, when you go up there and you go, your first joke goes weird and you go, this is going to be a long hour. Well, that's the nice thing about comedy. Even when it's bad, it's like 45 minutes. A lot of people, they get to work and they're like, oh, what a shitty day.

My boss sucks and I have AIDS. And then it's a nine hour day and then they go home to a wife or husband they hate. So we're pretty lucky. We're very lucky. And another good perk of being a comedian is you can drink on the job. Yes. No, you can't. I mean, I can't because I would rape my parents, but whatever.

Right. I've seen it. Yeah. I can't believe they still come to shows. But yeah, yeah. I have a couple of scotches while I'm on that second show just to get through it. But yeah. So then we go out, of course, after that and I got to cut back on the booze and the cookies.

I'm an alcoholic with diabetes over here. So yeah, good times. Sunday rolls around. We go out Saturday night. Sunday rolls around and I had a comic guy, this guy, Mark. Hey, Mark. He gave me Adderall. Oh, fun.

Now we're talking. Let's go. So I wake up and I got to rent a car on Sunday. So I go, there's no way I'm going to get through this. Obviously, I could do it, but I'm a pussy. So I go, I'll be popping Addy. All right. Adda boy.

So now I popped an Adderall and I'm just singing in the rain. I'm like dancing on telephone poles and doing twists and twirls in the street. Glorious feeling. Glorious. I pack up. I'm whistling. I get an Uber. I pop over to the rental car place and now I'm flying, baby, all the way down I-95.

Down to Virginia. That's not the right road. Nah, probably not. But I got John Denver on the blower and I am really rolling. And so here's the clinker. I go, well, I should eat something, even though, you know, you're all met up. You don't have any appetite because you're on Addy. So I go, I should eat something.

So I go, I got some brand new spanking shiny Chipotle cards. Thank you, Josh. So I'm on the highway and I change up my, or Rish. I change up my destination to the nearest Chipotle. Destination unknown. Destination now. Roomy, roomy, roomy, roomy, roomy, so ho. Yeah.

Underrated band, by the way. They're great. I love them. Killer. So the killers. Like 1&2. Ugh. So now the Chipotle says 14 minutes away.

I go, oh, that's not bad. The other direction? Exactly. I knew it. And this is an invention for an app. It should be in the direction I'm going, nearest Chipotle in the direction I'm going. I've had this in the cheesecake factor. I put it in, I'm like, 20 minutes, that's not so bad, and I'm on a dirt road, down a

gravel thing, and I gotta get a shirt, but it'll hike me up to the cheesecake. Right. Ari. So wait a minute. How could it, I guess I could figure that out. I mean, it's not that complicated. They could figure everything out. Yeah.

They know everything. They know which way you're going. We've been to the moon a back, and that was 60 years ago. Challenger didn't work out so well. How many, you know, we don't need that many teachers. You gotta break a few eggs to make an omelet. You got that right. She was a woman.

She had eggs. So. Oh, they're broken. They were scrambled after that. Over easy. So, yeah, I gotta go back the other way, and it's a whole thing. And by the way, Chipotle in Virginia, I was in rural Virginia, that Chipotle is a fucking studio 64 over there.

54. What do you mean? A little older. There's people all over it, there's cars tailgating, there's blasted music. It was wild. There's nothing else to do. Oh, I see. Chipotle's like the hot ticket in town.

That's big news. Oh, it's news. I remember when Whitman, when my town of Whitman opened to Wendy's, it was like a line down the corner. It was like 300 cars in the 50s. Yeah, exactly. So you got people in line going, you got glow sticks, and they're massaging each other, and Vicks vapor rub, and it's like a rave in there, and they're taking forever.

Ah. And I'm all coked up, I'm on Adderall, kicking and shouting, come on, motherfucker, I got my shit all ready to go, I got a napkin in my shirt, I'm ready to eat. And you know, these fat fucking Virginians, they're all taking their sweet time, and they're in their rascal scooters, and it's a bitch. Wow, they're partying and in rascals. They're partying rascals, they're a couple of little rascals, one of the big rascals. Old rascals.

Yeah, so finally I get my food. Well, I gotta tell you, you go to a Chipotle in the VA, and it's a scoop and a half over there. Scoop. They're piling. Oh, that's what's amazing about the site. It's why I want to move. I'll say I'll have extra rice, and it doesn't even fit.

Right. It's crazy. Yeah, yeah, it was piling on and piling on, so I had a giant, just a big ol' ice cream sundae full of Chipotle, and I sat down and forced fed myself, because when you're on that addy, it's tough to eat, you're having zero appetite. Right, right. I forced it down, but it was good, you know. Shout out to Chipotle.

They've gotta be aware of us by now. Well, some of them are. I mean, they came to see us in Denver. Yeah, but I'm talking about, I want the head honch. Yeah, we need the honch. I want the CEO breathing down our neck. No, breathing up our tits. Yeah, we're breathing down our, his neck.

Yeah, I don't want anyone breathing down my neck. Yeah, I guess you're, I want him blowing up my taint. Yeah, that's what you need. Oh, that feels good. So yeah, so yeah, I just had a good meal, and I drove to the Southern, and boom! We sold 75 tickets. That's nice. Not bad, it's a great room.

And Chris Allen's there, and I met all the local Jews, you know, you got the Winston and the Page. I love Winston. Yeah. Winston Hodges. Is it Hodges? I think it's Hodges. Fuck.

I think it's Winston and Hedges. No, I think it's Winston Hodges. I don't know. Hodges, who's? I think he played for the Mets in 86. We'll have to look it up. Was fucking Allen wedging all the new comics and stuff? No, no, he's a new man, because we made fun of him being a big bully.

All right, last time he was like, you know, crouching behind him, he asked me to push him, he's like, come on, push him over. No, no, he was like, can I get you anything, sir? You need anything? He got me a tomato soup. Oh, wow. Yeah. Good for him.

Hey, pick me up from the rental car, the whole thing. Boy, a happy medium would be nice. I don't want him serving me. Eh, it wasn't bad. He called me master. Gloves? No gloves. Couldn't use a glove, but he did hang a towel over his forearm.

Hey, can you look up Winston Hodges. I think that's his name. Winston Hodges. Maybe it's Hodges. What do you think it is? I think it's Winston Zedamore. No. That's also a Black Ghost bus.

But you're the same guy that told me, you know, Rajee Davis got me a gift card. Reesh. It's Josh Gondelman. Reesh. Reesh out and touch someone. Is that him? Is that him? Hold on.

I can't see the computer screen. I can't see either. That doesn't look like him. Is he wearing a Virginia Tech gear? That's a rapist from... Is that Mike Vecchio? I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know about Hodges. I don't think it's Hodges, but he's definitely an Aryan-looking son of an onion. It's Winston's son. He's a hokey. Salem. No, that's a different place. It's a cigarette. Well, he's a good guy, and they're all a funny guy, and they're all open, and how cute

is... Oh, maybe it is. The Southern Cafe. Winston Hodges. Yeah, Winston Hodges. I told you. All right. Well, he's getting a hell of a plug here.

I know a hodgepodge. Well, Chris Allen bowed out. He fell on his sword. He said, I'm going to let them do time. Oh, nice. And I said, you don't want to open? He said, no, no. Maybe I'll say hello to the crowd, then I'll get off.

So he let them go on. We did their podcast, and it was a great time, and we all yucked it up, and then we had a few pops after at the World of Beer, but we had a lot of Tuesdays come out. So thanks for that, folks, and we got some cards and Josh Mandelbaum and all those kids. So we appreciate it and praise Allah, and I feel like I'm hogging here. What do you got there? No, no. I got a wild weekend myself up there.

Oh, jeez. You got Ari. What am I doing hogging the road here? What? You're Hodges. The road. Uh-huh. Winston.

Hodgkins. It's a good cancer. It's a good cancer. Let's go find your sister. Yeah, so I went out with Ari, and he was like, hey, you want to open for me on a leg of the tour? I'm like, I'm not really opening anymore. I did the garden with Louie.

I'll open for Louie, but that's it. I'm headlining. He's like, I'll give you three grand. I was like, all right, I'll be there. I'll pick you up. Sounds good. I got money around that guy, and he's making it. I exaggerated a little bit, by the way, was less than that, but whatever.

Doesn't matter. It was Sweet New England. I was his New England Sherpa. He's like, I want you to tick me around and show me the biz. I said, great, I'd be happy to do it. We talk about it a lot. Ari's just a good guy, first class, banned from Twitter, so go follow him on Instagram. Help him out.

We got a few people have gotten back on to Twitter, so it's possible, like banned people. Well, I think he was talking with his manager, and he's like, you got to do something to get me back on there. And then his manager's like, let me see what I can do, and he goes on to Instagram, and Ari posts a picture of his big bloody shit, and he's like, what are you doing? You're trying to get you back in, and you got a bloody fucking anus photo. Right, right. So we went out, and we did Jim and Sam, but Sam's Jim.

It was just Sam. So you had a real conversation. It was fun. Yeah, it was nice. So we went in there. We bullshitted and bullshat. Then we went and picked up a vehicle, and this happens every time. You rent a car, you go there, and they go, hey, we got good news.

We got here early. They put it on us. The vehicle's not available, as though if we came 20 minutes later, the vehicle would suddenly be there. Right. Vehicle's not available, so we upgraded it for free, so they give us a Tahoe. That's a big beef. It's fucking bigger than the studio.

It's huge. It's got 16 wheels on it. It's a gas guzzler. It's a gas guzzling piece of shit, and we're driving from New York City to Boston, which is like the worst parking city in the country. Did you say, hey, I want a Tahoe? We said we don't want a Tahoe, but it was a whole thing. The girl was really cute, and we were flirty, and I think we could have had a big threesome.

She was a full-figured gal. I can tell you right. Oh, is that right? She was a Tahoe. She was like a waitress. Was she a fan of R? No, she didn't really know us, but we really chatted up. We could be quite charming.

We were playing off each other. I kept being like, I'm sorry about him. He doesn't know what he's doing. I'm sorry about him. He's stupid. The whole thing. That's fun. It was really fun.

Good cop, Jew cop. Yeah. So we get the Tahoe. We hit the road. I used to work all the time, but then comics moved to Mohegan's son. Well, we got banned. Don't forget that. Yeah, we got banned for years.

Thank you. You're welcome. It was a real situation. But anyways, so we went up to Fox Woods. We're doing the theater, the Fox Theater. Oh, yeah. 1200 seater. It was really fun.

We came down and I said, let's go play some roulette. You want to be a New Englander? We got to go gamble. I love roulette. So we went and played roulette for a couple hours, and we were both up big and then gave all the money back. So it was really fun. We hit the table to ourself, which is the best way to gamble.

Oh, yeah. Then there's a couple of crazy Asians that he, it's funny, he does a bit about Asians not having a sense of space. And then after he does the bit, it kills like after the show, there's Asians just leaning all over. They're crawling all over us. Oh, interesting. Yeah.

So not all Asians, of course, just though, just the Koreans, but the, the speaking new English ones, I feel like they're a little wacky. I mean, is that the Asians? Should we take that out? The New England Asians are wacky. The New England Asians, I mean, the ones that, I think it's more casino Asian. It might be casino Asian, but I mean, he's telling the story about being over there right in China.

Oh, oh, interesting. So it's the Chinese in China and casino. God. Anything I see word, Conti, Chinese, the whole thing. Yeah. Oh, geez. Really. But anyway, so we went and gamble.

We played all kinds of roulette. We lost money. We're up money. We're down money. Then it's time for the show. My whole family comes down. There's like 14 of them. I already got them all into the show.

Good man. Good Jew. How many folks are we talking here? 14 people. Literally. 14. Yeah. Well, this was the least sold show, but he still sold 800 tickets.

Hey, nothing to sneeze. It's like a 1400 seat theater. Have you done the Fox Theater? I have. It's like a big movie theater. It's not great. Basically. It's got that carpet thing.

It's like stadium style. So it's a big theater. And it's just me and him. So I'm going out cold and it's Foxwoods. It's a casino. I'm a little nervous, you know, because it's, I just know New England and I know casinos. The worst. So I'm like, yeah, we'll see how this goes.

So I walk out there and they got me a pizza for free, which was nice. Big pizzeria Regina. Ooh. Cheese, extra sauce. That was delightful. Uh-huh. I walk out. I get to the microphone.

I go to pull it out. And I just say, go fuck yourself. Damn. And I'm like, all right, sir. Well, that's not really necessary. He's like, no, no. Go fuck yourself. And I'm like, boy, well, good to be home.

This is real New England. What is that? Why fuck myself? I know. I'm performing for you. You paid money. You're chooch. There's a video over here.

Woo. Yeah. Fuck you. And then some guys just all chirpy. It's a theater. It's a fucking theater. You fucking idiot. Get it together.

Get it together. Yes. Have some sophistication. But the show ended up being OK. It was tough sledding. You know, it was like, they were very skeptical. And it wasn't great. But then there's this woman dying, laughing in like the second row.

She's like, oh. Just dying. I'm like, boy, I'm in love with you, lady. I want to fuck you. Boy, I'm going to leave my wife for this lady. Yeah. Are you sound hot? Are you single?

The whole thing? And then like halfway through, I just hear, I'm a man. No. And that like kills. I'm like, you're a man? What? What? And he's like, yeah.

And I was excited to see you. And I was like, well, I'm excited to see you. I'm glad you're a fan. And I wasn't. It's like I was looking at you being like, yeah. You're a fucking woman. You're fucking homo. Right.

You sound like a woman. You know that, right? Yeah. And he's like, oh, he's dying, laughing. Everyone's dying, laughing now because his laugh is just girly. Yeah. And he's like, I got divorced this week. And I'm like, I think I got an idea why, buddy.

Well, I think I know this guy. You might know him. He was at the comedy connection when I did it, I think. He's a sweet guy. He's got a hair swoop over. He's like the nicest guy, not fat. Oh, different guy. Thin and fit, good dresser, handsome guy.

Oh, really? I tried to get him laid. I was like, someone should go fuck this guy. He'll giggle the night away. Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo. It was a real lady laugh. Yeah. And so that like saved my set because of like that kill.

And I was like, all right, now I got him. I got back into the material and they're like, boo. Oh, yeah, classic. And you just hear like, go back to the lady laughter. Right. I'm like, all right, this guy's a bitch. Woo. And so like that stuff would work.

But he came over, he said hello. I tried to get him laid. I was like, anyone who wants to suck this guy's dick? Come on. Nobody, no one took. But what are you going to do? So hopefully he's a Tuesday. Thanks for listening.

Sorry for poking fun. It was nice to meet you after the show. Ari comes out. I bring him out. He does a great job. There's some woman. It's an epidemic right now with these women yapping during the show. It's crazy.

It's crazy. When we talk about it, it's like 90% of the time it's women. Oh, yeah. It's really crazy. I hope for Schubert was all these women. She would be like, shut the fuck up. I hate you. It's really crazy.

And I mean, a guy yell, go fuck yourself. But that was the end of it. And it's like I said before, when the women are doing it, they don't, they're like, what? I'm having fun. Right. Like the guy's like, I'm going to yell out. I'm going to go go fuck yourself because I'm a chuch mook idiot. Yeah.

But these women, they're just like, what? What are you talking about? This is how I enjoy a show. But she was yelling the whole time. My whole family hated her. They were like, we wanted her to die, that whole thing. I think Ari said she should go kill herself. All right.

Classic Ari. Then he does a meet and greet. They're going to do a meet and greet, tell them to wait outside. They'll be out there in five minutes. We walk out. I thought there was something happening. I thought Tony Danza was in town or something. Oh, yeah.

There was like a line 100 yards long. Wow. Just, it was insane. He did a meet and greet for like 45 minutes. This guy's blowing up. Well, maybe they've never seen a heeb. It's unbelievable. It was wild.

I went and hung out with my family and eventually we met back up with Ari. We hit the roulette wheel and at one point it was me and Ari and my uncle and my sister, the whole gang. There's like five of us and we're all just going crazy betting. We're betting the same numbers. We kept hitting. We hit like four times in a row. Everyone's like cheering.

Wow. The whole casino's looking over. It's all the Campbell gang. Yeah. Fucking kicking ass in Foxwoods. Most fun I've ever had gambling. We all won money. Hey.

It was crazy. I mean, we just had stacks in front of us. We just kept hitting. It was great. We were goofing around with the dealer and Uncle Dale's drunk over at the blackjack table. He's kicking ass. His wife is winning. We're all just having fun.

Love it. We finished roulette. They go to bed. Ari and I go meet up with Uncle Dale. We're laughing it up and we're doing the thing where you're like, Ace, baby. Ace. Everybody's going crazy. It was fun.

We were like the Babbit brothers. I love it. It was really a fun, fun night. Lorraine a Babbit. Uncle Dale bought some scotch for Ari because Ari gave him his hotel room and then got everyone in. He got an extra hotel room for an MC. We didn't have an MC.

Uncle Dale got the room. So there's 14 lists in a room? No. Everyone had their own room except Uncle Dale got a free one. I see. Big Unk. Big Unk. So he returned.

He got the whiskey. And then Uncle Dale again was the hero. At one point we parked with this big Tahoe. We're pulling back and it just rips the bumper off. What? The whole bumper's hanging off. Ari thought I was fucking with him. I was like, you got half a bumper hanging off.

He's like, oh, shut up. Good gag. You fucking loser. I'm like, no, seriously. It's hanging off. Off the rental? Off the rental. So then Ari's like, trying to fix it.

And I'm like, this is never going to work. We got to get Uncle Dale down here. He's a fireman for God's sake. Yeah. And so I go, Uncle Dale, you got to save our lives. Get down here. So he walks down. He's like a cowboy in the shadows.

Just walking down. He's four foot nine. But he's like, you know, huge. He's a firefighter. He's a firefighter. So he comes down and he walks in. I'm like, you can do it. Get him, Uncle Dale.

It was like the fucking, the big race with Jerry. I was like, show him who's boss. Yes. And then Dale's just like, fix it. Get out of town. No problem. He just clicks it right into place. I blew him.

Ari kissed him on the lips. We fucked. It was crazy. Nice. Yeah. You said you had nothing. This is gold. Big fix.

So we fixed the bumper. That's only day one, my friend. I got to cut this short though. Well, to be continued. Let it ride. Great game. We couldn't find a table. Yeah.

But anyway. So then Saturday morning, we drive up to a bean town. Now that's my hometown, of course. I love it. We parked the car. We go. We walk over to the north end, which is little Italy. And much better than New York's little Italy.

It stayed true. It's bigger. I mean, little Italy in New York is being overtaken by Chinatown. So it's a space. Well, they have a space thing. And it's also just like, it's like a Guatemalan guy being like, Italiano out there. Like the north end feels like it's still, you know, a bunch of gitties. And so we're walking around.

Now it's Saturday afternoon. So it's a lot of tourists. But we found this perfect out of the way restaurant. I think it was called Pellegrino or Pellegrini. And it was like, you ever get the restaurant exactly the one you want? It's rare, but I've done it. It was small, four tables. I got a chicken parm.

He got a bolognese thing. And it was perfect. Like real Italian food, high quality, the best. He paid, which was nice. He made $75,000 in 10 minutes. Yeah. And great Italian meal. Then we went over to the cigar store.

Got some cigars. And we walked all the way back. We sat in the harbor. We smoked some padrones. And just a beautiful day. It was one of those days where you're like, oh, we got to go do two shows. Oh, yeah. So we had a couple of cigars, some nice Italian.

We go over to the Wilbur. First show sold out. 1,100 people. Packed. And that's a hot room. Packed crowd. And then the second one had 900. He sold 2,000 seats in Boston on a Saturday night.

Wow. Wow. We got my buddy Sean Sullivan. Ari's like, who should I get to open? Who's a Boston guy? I was like, there's only one choice. You got to get Sean Sullivan with all due respect to all my friends. But I was like, this guy is a killer.

I mean, great comic. We talked about his album, Song and Dance, man. Pick it up. Funny guy. Lunch checked. So he shows up. He thought the show was at 7.30. It's a 7 o'clock show.

Oh, no. I got this text. I texted at 6.40. I go, hey, where are you, buddy? I figured he'd be there already. He's like, I just got the text back. Uh-oh. And I was like, oh, shit.

No, he writes back. He wrote duck. Fuck. Oh, yeah. It's like, boop, duck, boop, fuck. And I read back, uh-oh. And then he shends up. He's like 20 minutes away because he's going to get there early for the 7.30 show.

Yeah. But now it's a 7 PM show. He gets there right at 7. He's there. They're like, we're holding the crowd anyways. Don't worry. He splashes water in his face. He goes up.

It's one of those crowds. He just kills immediately. Out of the gate, he's killing. Love it. Love it. Killer act. I go out. I kill.

Ari goes up. He kills except five minutes left in the show. Killer show. He's doing this stuff about Mexicans, whatever. And someone just goes, small dick. Small dick. He's like, what? He's like, are you Mexican?

Are you offended? She's like, no, you got a small dick. I'm not Mexican. You have a small dick. That's why you're talking like this. What? And then he's like, you're a whore. Shut the fuck up.

Get out of here. It was a whole thing. Also, Ari's packing a real monster. His balls are the size of my fucking, my aunt's ass cheeks. They're crazy. Same veins and everything. His dog. I've seen it.

It's like an old shoe. I saw it too. He urinated on my chest for payment. And the thing is gigantic. That's golden shower. But anyway, so that was that first show was like killer. It was like, it was like special style. Like you could have shot it.

Wow. Great special. It was a little, little tougher, but they were still good. I cracked them open, you know, well, Sean cracked them open. I got him going a little bit. But I ended, I was like, this show, I'm going to be honest with you guys. This is not nearly as good as the first show. We got to crank up that energy and everyone was, ah, and then Ari came out, people went

fucking bananas. Yeah. That was fun. Then we leave there and like he's doing a meet and greet. I was like, I'll meet at the hotel. I'm tired. I go over there and Boston, I love it. It's my home, but it's just the fucking Wild West.

It's like a zombie show. Oh yeah. The drunks. They're going down and fights and screaming and riffraff. So once I get in the hotel, I'm like, I don't care what he wants to do. I'm not leaving this hotel. I'm going to order a pizza. I'm starving.

I order a fucking dominoes because it's all that's open. Boston shuts down early. I hate that. I got a dominoes and I go, you know, I'm just going to order a pizza for him just in case. I got a pepperoni onion, all the bullshit. I got a knock on the door. It's Ari. He came back over.

I was like, you don't want to go hang. He's like, ah, three girls wanted to blow me and smoke weed, but I'd rather be with you, which was pretty sweet. Oh, that's nice. Pizza comes. It's on me. We eat the pizza. That's fun.

In the next morning, I wake up early, I go for a walk and Boston's a great city to be out in the morning. Oh, yeah. Public gardens. I'm walking around Boston Garden. All these tourists. It's really beautiful. He wakes up.

We go to the old tobacconist. Started in 1870. I said, let's celebrate. Let's get some David offs. So he buys a couple of $28 cigars. Wow. We light those up in the store and then we just walk around. Public gardens.

We're at Boston Common. We're walking everywhere smoking these. We went to Chestnut Hill or Chestnut Hill, Buchan Hill. Chestnut Hill is in Newton. We went to Buchan Hill. We're walking up and down Joy Street around the Capitol. We're having these great talks about this is what we need to do. This is what we should do.

PC comedy, yada, yada. Louie special, blah, blah, blah. Blu, blah, blah, blah. Smoke some nice expensive cigars. Put those out. We finished those. Drive down to Providence Comedy Connection's sold-out show. Yeah.

Packed. We walked. First, we walked around Brown University, which was great. Beautiful. Brownie. Sweet, sweet campus and more beautiful conversation. The sun was setting over Capitol Hill there. Oh, yeah.

Went over to the Providence Comedy Connection's sold-out show. That show was a killer. I was real nervous again because I'm like Providence. Some of these people are animals. I'm going up cold. The townies. They were great. It was perfect.

I killed. He killed. Great little mini weekend tour. Hop in the car. We drive back that night. Got home at 1 a.m. Recorded a podcast. Skeptic tank.

It'll be out in March along with my Netflix half hour. Go check out the Skeptic Tank in March. What a year you're having there. Well, we're all having. We're all doing pretty well right now. It feels good. We're all as in. It feels like you should get a late night in to promote that a half.

I think that's coming as well. Hopefully we'll see. Trying to get it together. Hopefully Fallon. We'll see. But anyways. Small dick. Thank you.

Fallon. Oh, just doing the lady. Which lady? Wilbur. Oh, small dick. I think you said I have a small dick. I'm doing all right. I mean, it's grizzled.

It's got a thumbprint. It's crooked. Yeah. But anyways, that's the story and I'm sticking to it. Tuesdays with stories. Go hit the Patreon. The Patreon's new and improved. Queef's galore.

A lot of queefs. There's a couple of Ari queefs on there. We recorded one on the ride up to Boston. There's a little Ari queef. You queefed with... Raleigh kids. Joe Perot and Sam Mazzani. Oh, Mazzani.

Oh. Your mother sits. You got that right. So go to the Patreon. It's three bucks a month. That's 36 bucks a year. Jump change. It's a CC.

Yes. So go do that and also you can get a mug. Go to merchpump.com slash Tuesdays. Get a mug or a t-shirt. You can support the show that way. We love seeing those shirts out in the crowd. Yes. And Denver.

Thanks, Joe. Denver. We're both going to Comedy Works. What are you there? I'm there in May. I'm there in June. All right. 14th through the 16th.

Everybody that saw us come back out. Go to tickets early. I want to hit some bonuses. Yeah. Come to both and come on us. And I had an idea. Go to all... Go to one show so we can guarantee a bonus.

Go to the Friday Late Show. Yes. That show always sucks. If you all go to the Friday Late Show, it'll be a good show. And we'll hit a bonus. Tuesdays unite. So go to all the shows, whatever. But Friday Late, buy the tickets for the Friday Late early.

We'll sell it. And we'll meet you out there. We'll give you a nice handshake and a tongue kiss. Meet and greet. Hello, Pete's. And so, yeah, it's always a way. But Denver Comedy Works, I just updated my website. All my dates are up there.

ComedienJillList.com. I'm coming to Side Splitters. Ann Arbor. Moon Tower. Your mother's cunt. So go do that. Patreon. ComedienJillList.com.

At Jill List Comedy. Mark, say other things. I'm dying. I'll be at all the helium's. Buffalo helium. Philly helium. One of my favorite clubs in the cunt. Tacoma, Spokane.

Dr. Grins this weekend. See you. That's thanks for coming to that. What else do I have? Zany's in August. Back there. I'm going off memory. Moon Tower.

We're both going to Long Island Cinema. April 6th. And what am I missing there? Jizz and my tea. Well, check the website. MarkNormanComedy.com. We'll see you all in hell. And praise Allah.

Yell at Chipotle. We're doing great. I feel like we're cooking, folks. We're really cooking. Patron. T-shirts. And Stephen. Keep it real.

Take it easy. We got a money email.