Tuesdays with Stories! - #232 Private Gay

Episode Date: February 13, 2018

Mark and Joe are back with some embarrassing pee-related stories before getting into how a woman ruined Joe's experience at a play/magic show & Mark's wild time performing with Bert Kreischer in Boston! Plus, a big announcement for the Patreon! Check it out! Sponsored by: Casper Mattresses (Casper.com/savings) Become a subscriber to our Patreon for the latest LIVE bonus pod with Michelle Wolf & Ari Shaffir! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download Go on iTunes and give the pod a #5StarLunch review!

This is a Stand Up New York Labs production, providing you podcasts since 2013. Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard.

And then the duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody.

That's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. Wow! Wait! My microphone smells horrific. Wow. Who is on this thing? Jesus Christ.

Well, I saw a couple of strange characters in the waiting room. Yowza. This smells like a Jewish locker room. Yeah. I saw a Jew fro and a standard fro. So it could have been one or the other. I know what fro I'm on. This thing's got a bad beard stench.

You know what I mean? Somebody had the locks. We had every fro represented. Hey Shelby, could we get the clock there? We're at one second. It's not going up. And this is a long second. Clock.

There it is. There she blows. I'm going to add that to the end of my mind mentally. You ever been clocked? What does that mean? Punched? Yeah. Had your clock cleaned?

I ran track and field so I got clocked all the time. I ran a 51 second 400 meter trail. Is that right? Yeah. I could really cook. Well, you got the legs. You got some good stems. Well, my stems didn't fire.

I had to go like a distance. I was a good distance. I could really outlast them. It's similar to comedy. I was not sprinting out of the blocks. You know what I mean? I kind of stumbled. But now at Marathon that 18th year, I'm off and running.

Got it. Got it. But I've been punched in the head. We talked about it recently by a fifth grader, Jeff Meehan. Oh, yeah. Right in the temple of the dog. Wait, wait. You were in Jewish temple?

No, in the temple of my head. Oh, I see. I see. I was going to say, I got punched out once. I think I told you this. I got knocked out. Uh-huh. Woke up, had pissed myself.

Oh, boy. Let's talk about embarrassing. Two time embarrassment. Yikes. The piss and the knockout. And I had like the, I got knocked out on a lawn on like a popular street in New Orleans. And I woke, I came to and there was like the old lady, the gardener, the mailman. Oh, wow.

Like all above me. You were woke. I was awoken by everybody, the whole cast and crew, the milkman, the cop, everybody. Well, if you're woke, I'm glad everyone was represented or else you would have written a blog. That's true. There was diversity. But I did the whole like, where is he? Let me at him.

But I was too, too, too fucked up. Yeah, yeah. And then what, at what point did you realize there was urine in your pants? Immediately. Oh, okay. It was warm and wet and uriny. Well, one of my favorite things that's ever happened, every one of my favorite stories, and I won't name names because he's older and sober and gay now, but we had a big party

at old Mike Whitman's house. Oh yeah. And I think it was Halloween. It was like a Halloween party. It was like one of those nights where everyone's waking up still kind of in costume, like this mascara running and like I got a dick in my mouth and Batman's over there. Right. Right.

Oh, wait a minute. It's in the morning. This is the morning. It's noon. We play all the way to bed at 5 a.m., you know, so it's like noon or whatever. And we get awoken. We're all sleeping in the living room. We're all adults.

Everyone's like 25, 30, 35, 80. So we just get woken up by one of our buddies and he's like, real funny, guys. Real funny. You know, you ruined my cell phone. And we were like, what? And he's like, the old water on the pants trick, huh? You fucking ruined my cell phone. And we were like, what?

And everyone's like one eye open. We're like, what are you talking about? He's like, who's the jokester? Who's the funny guy that dumped the water on my pants? You owe me a new phone. And then we're all like, yeah, I don't think that's not really what we do. Like we're adults. We're not just dumping water.

We're not 12. Right. And then he's like a huge stain. And everyone just starts laughing and sticker. He's like, it's not funny. Not funny. And then finally someone was like, hey pal, I think you might have urinated inside of your pants.

Oh yeah. The old bed wet. No. And then slowly we're like, it's a perfect circle right on your dick. No one poured water. And then he just had to like slunk her down and take his broken phone home. Yeah. Well, the test is A, it's warm and B, you can smell urine.

Yeah. Yeah. You got to put your face down there. Yeah. Try to suck your own dick. But I pissed on my phone many a time because back in like the Nokia days and it was always a bummer because it sometimes would turn on and sometimes it wouldn't. So you were like, damn, that was a lot of piss.

Yeah. And then you would see wet bubbles inside. In the phone? In the screen. No kidding. Rub it off and it would be, oh, you're like, oh, that's in there, baby. No kidding. Oh, sorry.

I missed that. I thought, you know, that was a stretch anyway. I liked it. I liked it. Oh, you're on a motor roll. That's not bad. Well, I'm trying here. That same party.

Something else funny happened. I'm trying to think of what it was. Let me just, oh, that was the party. You poured water on a guy? I poured water all over my buddy's dick and phone. No, this is like a little karma situation. I've held Tom Dustin. He, at one point, he fell asleep.

He used two couch cushions. He took the couch because it was a fold out couch. So somebody got that. OK. And then he took the cushions and slept in the cushions. On the floor. But he fell asleep early. So I was still awake.

Now it was time for me to go to bed. So this is what I did. Oh, wait. Oh, I fucked up the story. Sucked my dick and called a love story. Rewind. Rewinding. He had a blanket is what happened.

He went to bed early. He had a blanket and I said, I took the two couch cushions. I'm like, I'm a genius. There's two couch cushions sitting here. I'm going to take the couch cushions, make a little makeshift bed. No one's using them anyways. Now I got a couch cushion bed. Nice.

But I need a blanket. Now this is where Tom Dustin comes in. He had already fallen asleep with a nice blanket. So I said, well, he's sound asleep. I'm wide awake. I'll take his blanket off of him. He won't notice. I steal the blanket.

Not a great move. I mean, I'm not an asshole, but I'm taking a blanket from a guy. You're a blanket stealer. But he'll wake up and whatever. Maybe he'll drive home. Who knows? So I steal the blanket. But this is where the camera comes in.

The couch cushions I was using were the very couch cushions he used as a urinal earlier in the night without unbeknownst to me. Look at that. So he stood up and I think he legitimately was in a blackout and thought the couch cushion was a urinal. So he just had his arm on the wall and just pissed in the couch cushion. Damn. I was sleeping it, but I was hammered too.

So I didn't notice it right away. So I wake up and my whole side shoulder to ankle, fetal position soaked in my own buddy's piss after I stole his blanket. So you slept in it? Yeah. Because I just laid down and passed out. Right. It didn't just immediately soak through.

Yeah. It takes a minute. You get the weight and you pass out and then you wake up and I'm like, why am I soaked? And then everyone's like, oh, you slept on the piss couch cushion. Right. It was a lose, lose, lose situation. Yeah. Mike had his couch cushion pissed on.

Tommy had no blanket and I was marinating in piss. Yeah. And some other guy pissed himself. Yeah. It was a real piss party. Piss party. Yeah. Holy hell.

Pissing contest. Those were some fun times out in Milton, Massachusetts. Yeah. I was a real bad sloppy drunk in my 20s and I was dating a lady at the time and she had all these fun stories. But one time I just woke up, opened the closet and just peed in it. Apparently I thought it was a stall. Yeah.

And then one time I went into the kitchen, opened an igloo cooler and peed in that. Uh-huh. And I'm trying. You know, it's all attempted consideration, but you're so blacked out you think these are bathrooms. That's right. I mean, that's the shit in the shoe story. I shit the woman's shoe.

I wasn't like, this will be funny. I'll ruin this woman's Nike. Yeah. And I just thought, hey, there's a hole over there. It must be a. It's a receptacle. Yeah. And she was not very receptacle of it though.

No, no. She was upset. No reception. I sent her 300 bucks and a Christmas card. Yeah. Well, that'll help. Uh, one time I went to bed at a friend's house when I was like eight when I had a real problem. And I don't know if I told you this one, I wake up, there's eight heads above me.

It's all my friends and one of them, they're all staring at me and oh, and one of them goes, why do you do this? Oh, crushing, crushing. Oh boy. The mom, his mom was British and she was like, all right, all right, get up, get up. Right. I was like, kick me off the car. And I was like, what the hell?

I got to clean this. She was furious. She had a bread roller. Oh, wow. Yeah. It was bedtime. Her accent really came apart at the end there. Yeah.

I can't do all the, all the whole sentence. Yeah. It's tough to do a full sentence. Right. So governor cheerio, you wet the bed on with you. It's tally ho. The Beatles. Yeah.

Um. Beatles. That's the people. Pete everywhere. Yeah. Fuck. I lost it. Sorry.

I got an itchy eye. I think it's attracted from my, uh, my abilities. Uh-huh. It's all better now. I had a real nice moment outside. Can I tell you about it? Lay it on me. Well, I was leaving Allen's office.

You always feel good when you leave the therapist. You feel a little... Sometimes. Yeah. You don't always. Sometimes you feel very sad and depressed and, uh... Rough walks down those stairs. Yeah.

I feel like I need a man to kiss on the lips to see if I like it. But... A man to hug and kiss. This is when I felt good. I felt like, yeah, that's the ticket. Yes. I always feel pretty good because I'm trying to better. I spent the last 45 minutes trying to better myself.

Yes. You're learning about you and how to get better. And I'm working. It's a work. You're improving. It's a progress. I couldn't be, you know, out, uh, you know... Belander.

...riding fences. Right. Uh, but instead I did some work and then I left and I bumped into our pal, Sam Merrill, one of our closest friends. Good egg, good comic, good friend. Keep an eye out for that special. He was running late, which is always... Because I wanted to give...

I gave him a big hug and we hugged and this lady kind of stopped short. She was right on our tail. Beautiful woman, by the way. Oh, yeah. So we de-hugged and I said, all right, I'll talk to you soon. I'm going to go see the pants, blah, blah, blah. And then I bumped into her again because she had now gone from behind us to in front of us.

And I started walking. I bumped into her. I go, oh my God. I'm so sorry. And I gave her like a, like a hearty hit on the... Not that hard. Like a hit on the shoulder. Because I had just...

On the shoulder. Yeah. On the shoulder and the arm. And I was like, I'm sorry. Again, I shouldn't have touched you. That was inappropriate. And she's like, don't worry. You're fine.

Crazy times. Yes. I felt bad. I had that moment of like, oh, why did I... I just committed battery. Nothing is sexier in a woman to me than a woman who's like, doesn't give a fuck and just doesn't care and just cool. Yeah.

I love that. It's also just nice to have any human connection. Like on Super Bowl Sunday, I was walking. I had my socks hat on. These guys were in Patriots jerseys. And I just did a point in the gun and they were like, hey, we both smile. It feels... It releases those endorphins or metamusals or whatever the hell it's called.

Right. Yeah. Endorphins. And what's the other one? Oh, shit. What is that? Pigeons. Enzyme.

Oh, maybe an enzyme. That's not enzyme. It's endocrine. Molecular. What is that one with... Tits. Anal. You know, the one where you sneeze and something good comes out.

The word for the sneeze. What is that show, bro? Snot. No, no. It released endorphins. I've been saying endorphins. Oh, I think it's an endorphin. It's another word.

It's another word. It's an endorphins and then there's like freelance photography. Dopamine. Dopamine. That's it. That's it. It's dopamine. It releases dopamine.

Two dopamines. Yeah. Great job. I bombed. I didn't see it. Me neither. But yeah, some dopamine and somephetamines and some fentanyl. Oh, that'll kill you.

Tom Petty. So I've read. But anyways, so yeah, it felt good. She gave me the you're fine, you're fine. She was laughing because she knew I was a good guy because here's what happened. She saw and heard the hug. I just left therapy. So she knows I'm in therapy.

I thought you were a homo. We're just hugged maybe. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Six two fellas hugging on the street. But you know, you bump into a straight like you're used to like being at clubs and you see someone. You know, when you're squirting by someone, you kind of tap on the back to let them know

you're there. You're like, hey, right behind you. Sure. We do a lot of hugging and handshaking. So I just got in mixed up and she had a pleasant face. So I just kind of did like a, ah, I was like, that was inappropriate. I'm sorry. She's like, you're fine.

You're fine. You're fine. And really my endorphins were all over my, I would like to blast my endorphins on her tits if you know what I mean. What if she said, ah, you're fine. You went, you're fine. Wow. Now I'm too far.

And I mean, I got a big old wedding ring on my dick. I'm just saying it's fun to dream. Yeah. But she was pretty and really sweet. It was, it was, it was really nice moment. And I met you at Chipotle and now here we are. We're both good. I had a good little day too.

Although I had that fucking three hour sleep. Oh, a three hour sleep. Yeah. You know, you, you, you finally conk out at, I watched the documentary, The Defiant Ones. Oh. I finally finished it. That's fun. Have you seen it?

I watched half of it and went, all right, I'm fine. It's, it's all right. They blow Dre a lot. Like, hey, Dre had some bad stuff. Let's not forget. But he's good at discovering people. He found the game and Eminem and the other guy and Snoop Dogg and all that. See, that movie, I liked the old stuff.

I love the old. The modern. I'm like, I don't give a shit. Like the Springsteen stuff. Yes. NWA shit. Yes. All the new stuff.

I'm like, I don't give a snot ass of what you're doing now. Well, finding Eminem was pretty cool. I mean, this poor kid who was doing rap battles out of Detroit, the one white kid. But that's throwbacky. I'm talking about that. He's riding in his car now, listening to Nirvana and I'm like, he gives a shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm with you.

I'm with you. So, but all of the Eminem stuff was fun and I just like any origin story. So I watched that. I couldn't finish it. It's three in the morning. I go, I gotta go to bed. I lay down. I get a melatonin and a Tylenol PM.

Wake up at 6.20 and I'm up. Ah. The worst. But then you're laying there. You're going, all right. I should just try to go back to sleep. Then you look at your phone and you hate yourself and you're seeing so many things on Facebook and Instagram that you're getting thousands of decibels of information.

Yeah. Bad dopamine. It's the opposite of dopamine. Yes. It's shitamine. Dopacoin. Ketamine. That's something.

Kerosene. It's burning you. It's a nude scene. I could have used one of those. Yeah. But so. I could have Googled one. But we banged the lady right before and so I was riding high on that and jizzed all over.

So that was fun and then I passed out and then I woke up and you look at an inch of Facebook and it's just racist, hatred, anal, Jews, cum guzzling, Nazis. You're like, ah, damn. So now you think about that. Then you think about everything. So I couldn't sleep. So I just got up and I said, fuck you. Chugged a cup of coffee.

Went to the gym. Then did my laundry. Then went to B and H to get podcast equipment because we're going to start doing bonus episodes. We're going to have some bonus on the Patreon folks. Let's crank up this Patreon for God's sake because I'm dying over here. My mother's very sick and that's a lie. She's a little sick. She's fine.

She's all right. I shouldn't have put that in the universe. My dopamine's are going to, you know. Well, tell her to stop texting me. All right. Well, anyways, we got some bonus apps coming. First of all, there's already a lot of stuff on there. We've got every live episode we've ever done is on there.

And then we've got some Irish fear business and a lot of queefs. So we're going to put some bonus shit up there. Once a week. And you can still hear the Oscar predictions, by the way. Those are still up there. Those haven't come yet. We're going to do a Super Bowl wrap up one of these days. All right.

I'm down. That might already be out. Maybe. I don't know. Who knows. But go check it out. It's three bucks a month. Shit.

Yes. Every week, you're going to have a bonus business for $3 for God's sake. Love it. So get up. I do. And I feel good. I raced at Chipotle. I eat at Chipotle.

You come beat me there. So I've already done a lot today. And I'm going to go do a thing later. But I'm feeling okay. I forgot my point. I had a point. A day. You had a good day.

You weren't talking about the sleep. Yeah. You said, yeah, I have a good day too. Yeah. And then you said the sleep thing. All right. I guess I had nowhere to go. You did the right thing.

When you can't sleep, you accept. You accept. Or I should just lose the day. Yeah. You know. So I got a big nap plan tonight. Oh, baby. A night nap?

Those are dangerous. No, I'm going to do like a 5 p.m. nap or 6 p.m. nap after the cellar thing I'm doing. I got you. But I can't wait to nap. But then you go home and you try to nap. And you start looking at your phone and the computer.

Then you're fucked again. Nap is tough. I took out all napping. I'm out with napping. What? When I was a youngster, you know, drunk, I would nap all the time. You go, just get through it because then you don't want to fuck up your sleep tonight. Sometimes the nap fucks up your sleep now.

And then also every time I wake up from a nap, I feel depressed and anxious. Oh, really? I feel like a million anals. Oh, really? Because I don't know anyone that doesn't feel anxious after a nap. Woo. I feel great. Wow.

You're the first one. Like a clean butthole. I'm just fresh. Usually you wake up and you go, what am I doing? You're all discombobulated and degradulated. Well, you got to keep it copacetic. Like 20 minutes. Yeah, 20, 30.

You can't do these two hours. You're crazy. Yeah. If you go longer than 25, you're doing yourself damage, I think. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, well, good to know. That's what I read once on a, you know, Popsicle Stick.

Well, you know, I used to have my business card on a Popsicle Stick. What do you mean? Well, you know, they have the joke on there. Uh-huh. And so my ex-girlfriend was a graphic designer and she said, you love these Popsicle Stick jokes. Why don't you put your information on the back? And I go, hey, that's pretty great because it's got a joke on the front, info on the

back, but then you feel weird. I got a pocket full of wood. Plus, if you sit down, they break in half. I've had a billion broken ones, so they get like half a phone number. And you can't put it in your wallet. That's the whole part of a business card. Exactly. So I had like a, you know, a ziplock full of wood and sticks.

You had a bunch of splinters. Oh, yeah. You're handing out splinters. Pretty much, you know, every now and then people are like, this is really clever. Wow. But most of the time people are like, what do you want me to do with this? Yeah. I'm going to get chased by, you know, bees on the way home.

It's so sweet. It's like a tongue depressor. I'm going to put the stain on it from the, from the pop. Oh, you used the actual popsicles? I'd eat a lot of sticks. Oh, this is a horrible idea. So it's got all my DNA on it. I'm licking like crazy.

Someone's a quack. She should be fired. Well, it's a good thought. It's open-minded and it's interesting and creative, but yeah, it didn't really fly. I don't want to harp on the lady here, but a lot of these ideas, I was just talking about this with Sarah. A lot of people have ideas that are original ideas. The original, the reason they're original ideas is the idea sucks.

Like I remember talking to a guy one time and he'll remain nameless as well, but he was a comic. He's like, I'm thinking about making my headshot a close-up of my pit bull. It's like a pit bull breathing the camera. Well, that's a bad idea. He's like, no one's ever done it before. I'm like, well, no one's ever done it before because that's not what a headshot is. Yeah.

A headshot is a photo of yourself. Right. You're not a dog. I don't, yeah, I don't even get it. Yeah. Cause he's a pit bull. So you're going to put pit bull picks up at every comedy club and it's got to say Steve gagged me the pit bull and it's just a picture of a dog when I'm like, that doesn't make

sense. Not to mention, what's his face is already the pit bull of comedy. Bobby Slate. I might have been a bulldog, by the way. Ah, well that's pretty good. I don't know if it's a bulldog. But also, like that's the same thing with the popsicles thing. It's like no one's ever used this as a business card.

You're like, well, that's because it's not a business card. Yeah. Well, you ready for this little nugget? I think so. I hope. The ex-girlfriend engaged. Oh boy. Well, good for her.

Yeah, good for her. I'm happy for her. I'm looking forward to it. Front page of Facebook. You know, you keep refreshing it. It won't budge. It's a stay in there like a slick on the highway. That's because they know.

They know. They're watching you. Facebook knows. They can see your phone. They know you were out and about. Of course. They want to let you know. They want to let you know.

Yeah, a lot of them about. Big abouting. Oh, baby. I'm, uh, yeah. It's brutal. It's one of them with a big smooch. She's got the foot up. But it can't be too brutal.

You were the breakie. Ah, you're right. It's just you never thought about it. I'm not into her or anything. And I don't know the guy at all. And I'm happy for him. But, uh, between you and me. There's some listeners.

Well, I'm just saying, I'm glad they're getting married. I don't want to marry or anything. But between you and me, she's sent me a few texts. Uh-oh. Spaghetti. All right. This is getting out of hand. What am I doing?

All right. Well, I'm breaking up marriages. Talk to Alan. I don't, I don't, I'm not, you know, you know. Freaking out about it. I'm just saying, I think it's a bad idea. Oh, I see where we're at. That's a bad idea, Gage.

That's the issue. I think it's a bad idea for her. Let me tell you this. I've thought every engagement I've ever read about was a bad idea, including my own. 100%. I have money on yours failing. Oh, no.

I'm joking. That's bad money. Where? I'm not a better bet DSI. We're old. I only got 40 years left. 40 years is nothing. I can do that with my eyes closed.

My asshole open. We get a long life ahead. 40 years. 40 years. 40 years. 40 years. 40 years. That's a lot of time.

No, it's a little time. Well, look what Jimi Hendrix did in 27. Good point. Aha. I have a point. I'm not sure if that made sense, but anyways, yeah, a lot of time, every time someone's engaged or having a baby's another one, I'm pregnant, you go, oh, fuck that.

That's going to be a big baby. Big mistake, big mistake. I told you, every Thanksgiving, my brother has four beers. He pulls me to the side and goes, don't do it. Oh, yeah. A lot of that. A lot of that. Well, these people, these people with kids, God bless you for having kids,

but everyone I talked to with a kid, they're monthly nut. It's like 12, eight. They're like, I got to make 13,000 just to stay afloat. And I'm like, my nut is 310 bucks. And then it's private school. It's hockey practice. It's rim jobs. It's all this shit.

It never ends. And the Bush women. Ah, the indigent. Oh. That's tough. Good luck out there, folks. I mean, thank God everybody had it. We were kids at one point.

You say, wee-wee? Yeah, wee-wee in my pants. Funny guy over here. But thank God our parents had us, which seems kind of selfish, because we're not returning the favor. But maybe we're not fit to have kids, and maybe you aren't either. Well, there's no returning the favor, because they don't exist. If we had kids, it would be returning the favor, I guess.

Well, I'm not returning the favor, but we're kind of screwing the pooch. What? Fuck the pooch. That's what screwing is. There's no pooch. Well, we're doing good. All right. I like that.

We're keeping the world sustainable. Yeah, baby. Take your kids and stick them in your asshole and throw them in the dumpster, because we got too many people out here. Abortions are good. I love abortion. Big abortion fan. I give 10 bucks to Planned Parenthood every month,

and if you don't like it, you can suck my dick, because they took my warts off, and whatever else they do over there. Who knows? Yeah. I've killed-I've done a few abortions myself. Really? Operated. No kidding.

I went outside. I go, hey, if you need a volunteer, I'll stab that kid. You go in there with your hand. You go in, then you strangle the kid, and it's easy, because there's a fetus. You can do it between the thumb and forefinger. Yeah, it's not really a kid. No. That's what fisting is, I think.

You're just punching a baby. You know what's the thing about the abortion? I'm on-I stay fine either way. People are like, it's killing a baby. I go, all right, it's killing a baby. I get you. Yeah, it's fine. But I'm okay with killing the babies.

I'm fine. It's not out yet. Yeah. You know, it's like, ah, you're ruining the quiche, but it's still in the oven. Make another one if you want. We'll make a new quiche. Yes, and it's fun to make. Didn't care for that quiche.

Nah, who needs a quiche? We've got enough quiches. I'm a big choice guy. Choices are good. French fries or onion rings, baby or no baby. There you go. I mean, I'm not saying get an abortion every three weeks, but I'm saying you get, you know, three a year.

Yeah. I think as many as you want, but I think eventually if you keep having abortions, your insides get a little scrambled. Oh, is that right? I'm pretty sure I heard somebody say that on a popsicle stick. Like an egg? Yes. It's eggs.

It's all eggs. It's all pipes. Yes. It's eggs and organs and I think a uterus and what's that other one? Overy. Overy. Overy. This show's ovary.

Well, you got to get ovary your ex-girlfriend because she's getting married. I'm over her. I'm sad. I'm worried about their marriage. I want it to last. I'm over-eating and I've got to go on a diet. It shows. Really?

Nah, you look slim. Dude, I've been lifting weights. I'll tell you that. Oh, yeah? I got some weights and I lift them. I put them back and then I go home. All right. Well, send me a shirtless photo.

I got a few on my phone. You know, I got an album that says Workout Progress. I'm taking one every week. Oh, really? I'm going to show the people whose boss out there. A before and after. Yeah. I'm going to have a before, during, and after, and then some more.

Wow. That's a lot of photo. That's a whole series. Yeah. Well, some more as a comedian. I'd take a photo of her before I'd work out. She's solid, by the way. Oh, yeah.

I opened for her once. I was blown away how funny she is. Oh, yeah. She's good. She's a pro, you know. And no one talks about her. Well, she's been in the news lately because Netflix didn't offer her enough money. I thought that was Monique.

It is. I'm kidding. It was a joke. Oh, okay. Monique sucks. Monique is crazy, by the way. Oh, she's a kook. Yeah.

Can I just go off on a little fucking politically tangent? Sure. You hear all this stuff? White privilege this and white women, and that's white privilege and white privilege. And it's like a class. This woman is complaining to the masses that $500,000 isn't enough money. Isn't that like a weird thing? We are like the average citizens making like 38 grand a year and like the economy is what

it is and unemployment and everything. This woman's like literally like boycott Netflix. They only offered me 500 grand. Right. I mean, isn't that the exact? That's the definition of entitlement. Definition of privilege and entitlement. Yeah, completely.

I never thought about it like that. $500,000. My dad makes $40,000 a year. It's a great point, and she's mad that it's not, what, 15 million? I guess. Yeah, come on. I mean, can you imagine if that was like a petite, pretty white woman going, oh my god, they only offered me 500 grand.

People would be like, fuck you, you white privilege cut. You're entire. You think you get anything you want? Blow me. I mean, she's probably getting a plenty of shit too. I didn't really look at the Twitter. I just saw the one thing. I was on Legion of Skanks.

I'm like, this is insane. Well, I saw people I know like, hey, help out Monique. Help her out, sucker dick and all that. I'm like, really? I mean, could you be more out of touch with the reality? Yeah. $500,000. That's a half a million dollars for one gig, one show.

And I don't get what she's saying. Like, is it sexism or is it racism? Because Schumer got this. But how can you say it's racist of Chappelle and Rock? Well, she seems, I mean, I don't know this woman, but she seems kooky. She said it's sexism and racism. And then the people she cited was Dave Chappelle and Amy Schumer.

Right. I mean, literally in one sentence, she was like, it's sexist and racist. Look at how much Dave Chappelle and Amy Schumer made. You are a black person and a woman, if I'm not mistaken. Schumer sold out the garden a few times. Could she do that? It's very odd.

$500,000 seems like a lot of money to me. She does have an Oscar. That's something. That's something. I mean, that seems pretty great. Yeah. Probably made some good money for that, too. Do you get Oscar money?

Well, you get a big basket with a trip in it and stuff. But your money goes up. If you have an agent, you're like, she's an Oscar winner during a movie. Yes. It goes into the resume. Again, I don't know the woman and I'm glad she's doing well. She seems completely out of touch and privileged and entitled

to say, I didn't get enough money. It's only $500,000. Yeah, could I do that? Could I just go, hey, I didn't get enough money for anything I've done? I guess you can. But she seems strange. But maybe I'm not getting the full story and full disclosure

or whatever you say and dope means. I don't know anything about anything. I hear you. But part of me gets jealous of people like that because I'm like, man, I wish I had that much self-worth. If I don't get something, I go, I got to get better. I got to work harder. Stop me.

I don't have that in me to go. Ah, I'm going to complain on public social media. It's very bizarre. I mean, I feel like, I mean, but I don't know. I feel like her fans will be turned off. They're like, we're paying, we're getting a babysitter and spending $100 to go see you and you're bitching to us to boycott Netflix?

Yeah, it's all very strange. Because you only got offered a half of a million dollars? Well, I think a lot of people are just like, hey, don't say anything. She's a black woman. We don't look weird. Oh. We don't look, you know, prejudice.

Ah. There's a lot of that going on. I hope I don't look prejudice right now. It's very interesting the victim-offing everybody's doing because, you know, like, you don't see a lot of attacking with the Muslim world, with the certain people, and you don't see a lot of attacking like the hip-hop world because that's a whole cultural thing.

We don't want to step on toes that I'm gay and you're fat and the whole thing's a thing. I don't know what's going on out there anymore, but can I just say this along the same lines? Can I get a joke in a Super Bowl commercial? Is that what you want? It was all woke. There's amputees.

There's a woman amputee for Toyota, as though Toyota has anything to do with amputee women. Yeah, yeah, they can't drive. At one point, a guy, a rich white guy gets kicked in the balls and he falls over and it cuts to a black woman laughing at him. It's all doopy. I'm like, how about some tits and some joe? Even Sarah, my wife, is like, where are the tits and the farts here?

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I got to tell you about something fun I did. Please. Something exciting and fun and cool and just really exciting. All right. Do we say anything horrible just then? I feel terrible. I'm so worried. Well, we're just, I think we're just keeping it clean

and honest and gay. I don't know. We're sick of woke and we're all good people and we want to have farts. Well, I'm a progressive guy and I want fairness for everybody, but it's the goddamn Super Bowl. We got eputee. Well, I'm like, just sell me a car.

Where's the beer? Where's the jokes? And there was a, the Martin Luther King's speech was on during like a Chevy commercial. I know. I mean, aren't they just exploiting this weird shit and suffering? It's like they're like, oh, women are suffering. Let's use it to sell some trucks.

Of course. I mean, it's so gross and no one sees it. It's so transparent, but no one is bothered by it. It feels like. I think people are bothered. I'm bothered. Well, speak up, folks. It's, uh, it's very strange.

But anyways, I love everybody equally and, uh, you know, what the fuck? I feel terrible, but everything I've ever said in my life, I'm sorry. Yeah, we're not bad people, but that's what it is now. It's all about what you say and it's not about what you do. Show me about what you do. Yeah.

If you go, hey, I'm going to wear all black at the Golden Globes. Everybody goes, you're a hero. Well, what about me? I didn't rape. Yeah, my shirt's white, but I haven't raped anybody. Isn't that better? Your shirt's red, Mark. Well, even though even red, it's a lot of blood from her.

Red is good. Red is good. Don't tell the, uh, the Crips. It is a study that red cars get pulled over with more frequency than other colors. I heard, I heard. So that's, uh, that's racially motivated or colorably motivated. Redskins. Uh-huh.

That's gone, by the way. No, they're good. The Indian chief Yahoo. Yahoo. Wahoo, I meant to say. Wahoo. Yahoo is an email. Wahoo is a cartoon that is ruining the world, I guess.

Yes. Yes. It's a cute face, though. I love that face. Okay, what do I, what do I care? Go ahead. What about the fight in Irish? That guy looks like an idiot.

Well, there's fight in Irish. There's all the kinds of crazy things. The redskins, the fighting Irish, the Seahawks, who knows? It's all going to be, I mean, the seagulls, they're hurt. I like the bullets. Ah, that's no good anymore. That's good. That one made sense to me.

It's like, it's the murder capital to the bullets. Let's get rid of it. I mean, wizards, I don't love. They went right to the, you know, KKK. Yeah, it went to grand. I mean, it could have been the, uh, you know, the, the Nazis. Something. Skinheads.

But anyways, this isn't what the people want from us. They want stories. And I got stories. I got a few too. You go. I got to tell you about this fucking great show I went and saw. Folks, if you're in New York City, get yourself down to the Daryl Roth Theater and see Derrick DeGuardio.

Woo. That's a great airport. Yeah. It's called in and of itself. All right. I like it. Sexy? Ah, I mean, some ladies, heterosexual ladies might find it sexy or a gay man.

But I don't think so. I think I got a good ear and eye and nose and asshole for this stuff, but I don't think he's sexy. All right. Got it. But he's magical. So maybe he is. I'm always miffed by what sex he is.

Same. Magicians get laid. I meet women that like, Mark is so hot. I'm like, you got to be kidding me. I don't get it either. I'm like, he's half a retard. His hair is stupid. His tits are gay.

Yeah. This is all in my bio. I mean, but anyways, uh, evidently, I'm a nerd, ugly teeth piece of shit and you're some kind of hunk. I don't see it. I'm a little bit of a hunk, but you got your part right. I see the opposite. I got a couple of two stains and a herping and a thumbprint in the forehead, but you

know, you got glasses. That's true glasses. All right. So tell me about the, the whiffed magician. Oh God, you're right. I'm ugly. Oh, you're fine. There's no mirrors in here.

Who her? She's ugly. Um, so I go to see Derek DeGuardio and you know me, I like to, I'm on the subway and I keep seeing this ad for like months directed by Frank Oz produced by Neil Patrick Harris. Wow. It says four stars, takes magic to a new level. Suck your mother's tits. You're going to love it.

So I say, I want to go get tickets right now. I like to be impromptu, compulsive. So I say, hey, I'm getting tickets. I say, Sarah, you got anything to do Tuesday? She says, no. I said, great. I'm going to get us tickets to a show. I love it.

So I get us two juicy ones for in and of itself, Darrell Roth theater and, uh, what are you spending? Can I ask her? Is that little purse? About 89 bucks a ticket. So about 200. All right. All right.

So you're in New York City. You got to enjoy New York City. You got to see some shows. Great town. Cause a lot of these folks listening, we love you, but they're living in, you know, bumble fuck Idaho. They can't go see a magic show. Well, they can, but it's done by the patchwork players in the back of the middle school.

Yeah. They got to go see their nephew. Yes. Yeah. We're going to get the amazing orgasmo or whatever. Yeah. He's pulling a penny out of your ear. It's, uh, not that exciting.

Yeah. So I say, I'm taking a Tuesday night. We're going to go see Derek de Guadillo and Sarah's a little skeptical because, you know, we're comics, so we're cynical, we're skeptical, and it's magic. Good for you. Can I say, I didn't even notice one of these posters. I go all over this town, up and down, left and right, never saw one. And if even if I did, I'd go, look at this, come Guzzler and I'd jizz on him and I'd walk

away. But you take it in. You're open minded. I say, let's do it. I want to go do it. I want to go see it and be part of the culture and society and, uh, yeah. Here. Here.

Yeah. So I got the tickets and we're, so we're a little skeptical and we're taking bets on how much we're going to hate it. Cause sometimes on a date, it's fun to just hate it. Hate away. So we're saying, oh, 40%, 60%. But Sarah, I read about it. So I was like, it's not a man.

He's not going to come out with a box. With a bunny on top. Yeah. A puppet and like, you know, juggle. It's like a one man show. It's like a themed show about identity and self identification. And so it's kind of a one man show. And he only does, I think six tricks in an hour and 15 minutes or maybe five.

So it's like a real build up thing. And he tells a lot of stories and it's like, it's a real, it's a one man show. It's what it is. This is getting worse by the minute. So when you walk into the theater, they have a bunch of like a 500 cards that say I am. And then there's a word underneath and some are like ninja, uh, some say gay or, uh, nervous or procrastinator, entertainer, a ba, a fucking whatever. Some are actual jobs and some are kind of jokey and some are whatever.

So he's supposed to choose one and I chose entertainer. That's like the first one I saw. I went out and I grabbed this one, Sarah grabbed procrastinator. Okay. So then we go in there. We all have a card. Then we give the card back and we just have the top half that says I am. Oh, this is very interactive.

This is going to come in later. So we're sitting there. Coming me. Now the show starts and it's all actors because I think it's an actor theater. It's like a school. It's on the, uh, Hyman Roth road. Not Hyman, who played Hyman Roth? Lee Strasberg.

Oh, he's big. Yeah. He is big. He invented the, uh, whatever the fuck. Juggling? No, the, uh, method. He's like the method guy that taught everybody. Crystal?

Crystal method. Yeah. Great hip hop artist. Oh, like when you, when you, when you do an actor and you completely engulf yourself in that. Yeah. He's like Pacino's guy and De Niro's guy. He's Lee Strasberg.

He's blah, blah, blah. Anyways, they named the street after the guy. He plays Hyman Roth. Um, but anyways, so it's all actors because I think we're the only ones that bought tickets because it's like Tuesday. So I think they just give the actors, because everybody there knows each other. So they're like, I think I got duped here. Yeah.

It's the, the papered room. Yes. It's papered. Especially with the IAMs. A lot of IAM papers. So we're sitting there waiting for the show to start. Now the show starts, the lights go down. It's exciting because you don't know what it's going to be.

It's going to be magical. And I love magic, by the way. Oh, really? It's magic. Yeah. Oh, I love it. You believe in magic. You always have a friend wearing bright red shoes or is it big red shoes?

Is that McDonald's? McDonald's is the commercial. They took that song and they made it about Ronald. Oh, all right. Yeah. What can you do? That's expensive. All right.

Anyways, so then the show starts and there's an epidemic happening all over the world. Comedy, theater, movies. Oh, I know it's going to be. I got two women back here right behind me. All right. It's not just women. It is majority women. Mostly.

Most of the time. Monique. Ask any comedian. Uh-huh. She's talking. It's fucking blowing my mind and they're like middle-aged women. This isn't like young girls who are like, oh, I text and I'm whatever the fuck. Yeah.

It's like a 50-year-old woman. Oh, boy. And she's talking quietly, but she's whispering like that. It's a show. It's a fucking show. What? You're going to miss something with the talking. And I can hear the whispering.

So it's literally distracted. It's like he's talking and it's hard to focus in general at this society, these days and whatever the fuck. So I'm trying to be on every word because he's a magician. I'm going to try to figure out what's happening. And I just hear, oh, yeah, yeah, that's totally, that's crazy. Jesus. So I turn around and this goes on for about 10 minutes.

I do one head turn. They stop. All right. And it goes on for a few more minutes. And finally, about 15 minutes in the show of continuous talking, I turn and go, the whole show. Wow. And then they go, they look at me and they go, oh, and everyone kind of turns.

It's like this weird moment because it's a small theater. It's like an 80-seat theater. Oh, boy. So then the two seats next to them were open. So they shuffle down two seats as though like, no, no, just stop talking. Yes, stop it. Don't move over there. Oh my God.

And I hear him whisper a few more times. Now I'm going to come back to that. The show is amazing. I highly recommend it. He makes a couple. He definitely does a few tricks, but they're big, wild tricks. You're impressed. I'm impressed.

He does a lot of sleight of hand, which is amazing. Then there's a woman, different woman. He does a sleight of hand. Then when we go, oh, out loud and Sarah and I can't stop laughing. I'm like, how can you not be able to contain yourself? Yeah. You're going to a magic show. There's going to be magic tricks.

Why are you like, oh, like someone's fingered or twat? I think some of these gals, they get into it. You know, they believe in horoscopes. They go to the fortune teller, the palm reading cunt. I think they believe this shit for a second. They go, oh, that's my aunt. It's coming through. You know, it's like a seance.

Well, it was a cool trick, but it was like, just have a feeling in your head. I don't get it. I don't get it either. Whoa. Yeah, that's kooky. But that was funny. I don't want to give away too much because I want people to go see the show because it was really fucking cool, but he makes a brick disappear.

And I learned some stuff after I talked to Drew Michael, who's also seen the show. He makes a brick disappear and he puts it on some street somewhere without leaving. And Drew was telling me, he's like, the brick is there. You can go see it after. He makes a brick out of the middle. He takes two streets. Someone maybe someone runs and puts it there. I don't know what the hell happens.

Sure. Well, it's not magic. This is another fun thing that happened. He goes, give me a street. He asked this woman, give me a street in New York, a famous street that everyone will know. And she goes, Irving Place. And the guy's like, can we try that again?

Like a street that everyone would like, what are you doing? 42nd Street. Right. 14th Street. Broadway. McDougal. Yeah. What's wrong with you?

Irving Place. He's like, a street that everyone will know. Stop trying to sound cool, but anyways, that's neither here nor there. That's the one by Union Square? Yeah. I guess because it was nearby or whatever. It's like, no one knows Irving Place. No, it's two blocks long.

Average New Yorkers are like, what is that? Right. So anyways, but he makes his brick disappear, then he gives someone a book to write down what you think, how the show ends. It's a crazy thing. It's pretty amazing. But the end, the big finish, he goes through, he says, everyone stand up if you took the I am serious.

If you chose something that you actually feels like describes you, because some people, like I said, some are like, I'm a ninja. They thought it was funny. I'm a pirate. I'm an N-word. So he's like, I feel like it actually describes you. Stand up. I stand up.

I'm an entertainer. Whoa. She's procrastinator. So half the crowd stands. So then he goes through and he fucking nails everybody. Wow. He just looks. He's like fucking gay, tall, whatever the hell it is.

But it's not descriptions. It's like fit. You're like, this is pretty impressive. He's getting it. He's getting it right. He's getting it right. Everyone except one woman. He says entertainer.

And she says, no. And then he whispers in her ear and she goes, yeah, that was it. So then she sits down. So he got that one wrong. But I'm entertainer. She comes to me and he goes performer. And I went, uh, and he goes close enough, sit down, which is a little bit of a bummer. And I was like, come on.

So he must have mixed the two of us. She was performer. I was entertainer. So he mixed the two. Got it. I didn't like the way he said it. Then he said, close enough, sit down. I'm like, well, you got it wrong.

Yeah. Yeah. But anyways. Close, but no cigar. He nails everybody. And everyone's like gasping. It's like a pretty unbelievable. Wow.

So then he comes to the fucking idiot behind me that's talking the whole show. Are you ready for this? Yepy-yenta. Yepy-yenta. Are you ready? Yeah, I am. So he said, I loved it. Man, that could be the title.

He's also in black eyed peas. So anyways, I cut. It's also a great documentary by Tom Shadyak, which changed my life. We talked about it years ago. I thought it was Shadyak. Might be Shadyak. Well, Shadyakers. Oh, boy, we're getting to the bottom here.

We really are in the bottom. We're licking the taint. Rock bottom. So then it comes up to this woman and I fucking hit. She's been talking the whole show. I fucking hate this woman. Hater. She's talking the whole show at a one man show mad theater.

Yes. By the way, theater is when everyone goes to a comedy. When people are talking to a comedy show, would you do that at the theater? Uh-huh. Like the theater is so untouchable that no one even dreams of talking at the theater. Not at Hamilton. But she's talking at the theater. It fucking made me crazy.

So then he's looking at her for like an extended period and she goes, you're having trouble with me, aren't you? And I'm like, ah, you think you're special, you think you're part of the show, you don't shut up. I fucking hate her. She's like, I'm giving you trouble, aren't I? And the guy, he just, finally he gets it and you know what it was? I want you to take a guess at what she chose.

Chattie Cathy? No. Motor mouth? I am, quote, a blessing. Ah, I can't take it. I'm melting. I'm melting. This woman saw, she had to choose a word to describe herself.

Oh my God. She chooses, I am a blessing. Oh, she should be killed in the street. A blessing. She says, if you took it serious, if you feel like it's actually something that describes you, stand up. And she stands up because she thinks, I am. I'm a blessing.

And I'm like, you're not a blessing, you're ruining my fucking night, you're ruining the show. Oh my God. And then get this. He says a blessing and she goes, yes, I am. And then there's a bow. She literally says, I am in response to I'm a blessing. She thinks she's a blessing.

She talked to the whole fucking show. Wow. The insight into her mind, into the talker's mind. This is almost good. It's like a little, we got some knowledge here because these people who talk think they should be talking. Yes. She thinks I'm a blessing.

I'm blessing everybody right now by talking to my friends. Just sit through a show. And again, we've talked about this before, there's this image of young kids, the young generation on their phones and they can't cut it, but this is older people. Yeah. This is a middle-aged Manhattanite, presumably, woman just talking through a fucking show. Mike, wait, who is the friend? Who's going with her to sit through this yappy cunt and she considers herself a blessing?

I don't want anybody, anybody who considers themselves a blessing, I don't want to be around. Prudal. And how do you not go, hey, shut up, I'm watching the show. Yeah, exactly. I want to hear it. We paid 88 bucks. And you want to go, you're the only one talking.

Wow. Nobody else is talking. He's not even talking half the time. He's like breathing and taking his time. Right. The show is pretty astounding. All right. Four stars.

Fun, fun shows. Cool. I mean, there's a couple of parts I wish it was a little quick. I wish there was more magic because there's a lot of build, but it's cool and it leaves your talking and thinking and all that bullshit. Fascinating that you were like, oh, how much are we going to hate this? And then you liked the show and hated the audience. Yeah, we ended up liking it.

And I thought we were, like I said, Sarah had a different impression. She thought it was going to be like, what's in the box? Blue. But it's like more of like a, you know, I think it's a guy trying to take it to another level of like a fucking whatever. He's like, you know, breaking the mold. Yeah, he's something. He's an innovator.

But anyways, that's my that's my business over here. Well, I got worked up. No, working up. She sticks. A blessing. Well, embarrassing thing to choose is I'm a blessing. Oh, God, I know. Just you're having trouble with me, aren't you?

I wonder how many just twats and tools that guy's seen over the years, just doing the I am. I'm sure a lot. Yeah. He was he was great. Derek DeGuardio. Oh, give him a Google. Give him a Google.

This is a hell of a plug for him. He'll probably hear this and be like, thank you. I couldn't say it. Oh, yeah, I'm sure he hated her. We all hated her. Well, I had a real kick in the pants on Friday, if I may kick me in the pants, please. Well, I saw you. Yeah.

Well, I'm not here on the weekends that much. So when I'm here, I really like to soak up the city and do a bunch of weekend shows. And the shows of the weekend are just more exciting. You get more money and the crowds are packed and juiced up. Yeah. So I got my seller spot says you do every Tuesday. And I was excited. Wow, I got this show.

I got that show. I'm going to make some dough. These are good. Good nights. It feels good. The booker trusts you to do these shows, blah, blah, blah. So I don't know if I should reveal this, but I had a 715 show at McDougal Street, the comedy seller, and I had a eight o'clock at Village Underground, which is two blocks

away. Then I had a nine at the stand and a 10 at the stand. So that's a four show night on a Friday. Pretty good. So at two great clubs. So I'm just sitting at my apartment. I don't know what's taking over me. I got it all on my calendar.

I don't know what's going on. I'm in my panties. I'm sitting on the couch, did like my clit. And I get the where the hell are you from the booker. Then I get the where the fuck are you from the manager. And you know, you have that immediate go, you go, what the hell is this? These fucking dumb cunts. Jesus Christ, get out of my face.

And I go, oh, they must have fucked it up. And I look on the schedule. Oh, I'm on the website. Oh, it's on my calendar. Oh my God. So I'm freaking out. I'm putting one pant leg on. I'm hopping around my apartment.

I'm in my bra. I got a lampshade on. I'm like, oh my God, I got half a lipstick. And I just, I run out the door and I run to the manager because the booker, obviously, I'm too scared to face. Now, what time is it? Well, I did all the checking. And I also did a text back like to the manager going, I think you screwed this

up here, sister. This is not me. This is on you. And she goes, OK, OK, that's possible, but double check. And I double checked. And of course, they were completely right. And I was in the wrong. And I text back and our callback, I go, you're completely right.

She goes, I fucking knew it. You fucked up. And she's really rubbing it in like she's a firecracker. She is a Tom cat. She's like, you fucked up. She is pissed. The booker is pissed. She's going to kill you.

I'm like, Jesus Christ. I felt like I was eight years old. The principal's after me. Oh, boy. So I go, what do I do? What do I do? And it's been 13 minutes since my time. And she goes, just go to the other show.

Make the other show. Then get your fat ass over to the cellar and grovel in person. And I go, oh, my God. I can't do it. And this is like all Alan and all confrata. I'm hip-scared of confrontation. This is scary adult lady. She's going to yell at me.

She's got an accent. She was in the army for God's sakes. The Israeli army. That's a serious army. Woo. I'm Al-Qaeda. You're ISIS. She wants me dead on a stick.

Headless. So I go to the other set. And obviously I'm just doing jokes, but I'm just thinking about the situation the whole time. So I'm kind of like not in the moment. It wasn't my best. And I get off stage and they go, they all know. The whole city knows.

Every comic knows. Every security guard knows. Every waitress knows. And they all, they said that, you know, I get off stage. And you feel safe on stage. She's like, I'm supposed to be here. No one can attack me here. Right when I walk off, you just hear, da, da, da.

Wait, no, that's the wedding. That's the one. No, is that it? They're very similar to the wedding. Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. Yeah, it's similar. Very similar, which is kind of ironic. We're talking about how old marriage is in.

Yeah, yeah. So you just have that and that walk over. It's two blocks, but it's just that. The worst two blocks of your life, you know? You're like, you're just thinking about everything. How's it going to go? What's going to happen? Should I run away?

Ah, man up. You're a 34 year old douche. Get over there. Like, ah, I can't. By the way, can I just say for posterity reasons, it's the same block. It's on the same block. Ah, give it a block and a half, though.

I mean, it's technically the same block of buildings. I guess it's the same block. It's around the corner. You got to take a turn. Yeah, but two blocks is too strict. That's too wide. It's around the corner. OK, posterity.

Around the corner of the same block. Got it. All right, I hope we're around the corner fudges made. Here we go. 200 yards away. 200 yards. Sorry. So.

No problem. I get there. Painting a picture. And boy, when you swing that door, you feel every second you walk up those little stairs. Ah, just thinking about it, it's giving me the heebie-jeebies. Can I just say the seller on a weekend and this particular blocker is terrifying anyways.

Yes. Even if you're two hours early and you just did a tonight show yesterday. Yes. It's a scary situation because it's everything we want in our lives right there. Yeah, you do everything right and it's scary. It's scary.

You get there early, you kill, you high five, just talking is scary. I don't know if they realize how scared we are. Maybe they do. Maybe they like it that way. I suspect they do. All right, well, it fucking works, and they're very successful.

So you go, I walk out. I don't want to get too into it because I don't know how much I can reveal, but whew. OK, I mean, I just walked up, unbuckled my belt, pulled my pants down, showed her my ass, and she hit that thing with a wooden spoon, baby. Nelly, penetration. I said, yes, put it in deeper, bitch.

I don't feel a thing. And it was ugly, and Liz was there, and Nome was there, the owner, and he was just giving me the stink guy, and oh, boy. And I walked, they weren't a booth. And I got the whole business, the whole thing lasted eight seconds, but it felt like three days. And I walk over to the cellar table after,

and it was that feeling of like, you know, when the army, when the general beats the shit out of you, and you got to go up, and they'll go, you OK? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like, yeah, I'm holding my asshole. I'm bleeding, I'm crying. She just texted me right this moment, which is ironical. Whoa.

With a spot. Oh. It's Tuesday, so we're getting our spots here. OK. I just got it, as we're yelling about it. Guess who didn't get any? Wow, it just happened a second ago. No, I'm just kidding.

But yeah, so that was the whole thing. Then I go, whew, that was a wild night. I ran over the stand, I told you all about it. I just felt immediately like, oh, thank god, that's over. It's funny, because I was at the stand, like, you want to go next, Mark's not here, and I was like, fucking Mark. And then you came in sweating and bleeding out of the shoe.

Well, I appreciate you listening and the whole thing, but yeah, that was a wild night. It's amazing in this bit. You're 34, you're scared of getting yelled at by grownups. Well, they have a lot of, they have the spots that we desire, and it's money, and it's a business. It's comedy, so it is. It's the true love comedy, the passion.

So you want to do it right, but she also is dealing with a bunch of kooks. She's basically just stirring a pot mixed with a bunch of nutjobs and narcissists and wackos. Yeah, it's a tough business. You got to run a tight ship, and you got fucking 76 spots on a weekend or something crazy like that. That's why it's the best club, because they run it,

like, at a well-oiled anal. It's a well-oiled machine. I was there Saturday, and I had a great hang. It was Mackie was there throwing back some cocktails, and old Phil Hanley was in Good Spirits, and it was really fun. The music was playing, and the drinks were flowing, and. Well, that was Friday, so of course in the stand, I pound a few scotches back just to, you know, even out.

Yeah, what do you call it? Take the edge off. Thank you. A lot of edge. And so I call up the lady, I go, what are you doing? She goes, I'm out here with my gay friend, drinking in Soho, and I go, I'm on my way. Those gay friends, they're always nervous

to touch in the tits. Nah, he's all right. He's super gay, so he's not touching any tits. But sometimes the gay, they do it non-sexually. They're like motorboating, they're like, I'm gay, and you're like, come on, that's my wife's tits. I hear you, but he's one of these waspy gays, he doesn't like to get into it.

Like if I go, so, anal, what's that all about? He goes, I don't wanna go, come on, you're top, you're bottom, you're takin' in the ass, you mouth it, you like a skull fuck, what are you into? And he goes, I don't wanna. A private gay. Private gay, which is a great army member. Yeah, so.

See, I like to get in all the gay misery, you and I are similar. I wanna get questions answered, but this guy, he's tight lipped and tight butt. All my gay friends, I say, tell me about the sex, the blow job, he's hot, I'm going through Grindr, it's fun. Yeah, yeah, I watch Gay porn every day.

He's hot, I do have a thing for gay, the three gay movies, call me by your name, Brokeback Mountain Philadelphia, three of my favorite movies of all time. I love gay pictures. Gay pic, gay pictures, yeah, they're good. Yeah, I never got these guys like, whoa, I don't wanna hear this shit,

whoa, they're like covering their ears, like what are you, a douche? You can't hear it, you're gonna turn gay? I never got this, that's weird. We had some tweet at us when we had Tim Dillon on, they were upset. Idiots, all right, I'm gonna try to pack this thing cause I got a whole Saturday to get into here.

Pack it in whole. Yes, fudge pack. Gay pic. So, now I get sloppy drunk and I kind of black out on Scotch, get home, bada bing bada boom, the alarm goes off, it's 11 a.m. I go, oh my God, I got an Amtrak in one hour.

Oh no. I gotta get to Beantown to do the Wilbur and open for Burke Kreischer. Wow, we were at the Wilbur back to back weeks. That's right. Unbelievable. The machine. So I go, ah, I throw my dress on,

I go, hey, see you later, sister, I kick her in the veg and I jump on the Amtrak and I'm hung over out of my mind, I'm just sluggish, I'm on that seat going, oh, I hate myself. Now this is an epidemic I wanna get into. All right. It's the night before the Super Bowl.

I'm on the Amtrak, going to Beantown and there's an energy there, my friend. I mean, the Patriots are in there, it's the whole thing. I'm familiar. Yes, so there's a lot of jerseys on the train, there's a lot of Hooten and Holler and a lot of Boston clamor. And you know, they get on the,

all right, that was back bay, go Patriots. It's like, all right, we got it, we got it. Guys on the blower here. So this is what I wanna get into. The train is pretty full. I guess people are going to watch the game with their families, I don't know. So there's a lot of this going on.

I like a window seat, because I got the plug in the window. A lot of these cocksuckers out there are sitting on the edge seat, tray down, laptop up, bags on the window seat. Oh, see I do that with no bag. I leave it open and I'm happy to have someone over there, but I like the aisle because I piss a lot

and I got a long leg and I piss a lot. I studied everybody around me. The guy in front of me is sitting in the window seat, legs stretched over the other seat. Then the guy next to him in the other aisle has the tray down with the laptop going on the outside seat, bags on the window seat, and the guy next to me is just bagged on all seats

and just laying on top. I mean, they're just saying, hey, fuck you, no one's sitting next to me. Yeah, they don't wanna accept that someone might sit next to them. I'm very accepted. Yes. You know what I like the best?

I find a petite woman who looks like she'll smell okay, and I sit right off the back. Even if there's open seats. Interesting. Because I know at some point I wanted to sit with someone so I want control over who I'm sitting with. And I want somebody petite that looks quiet.

I like it, that's good lodge. Well, these guys are sticking to it. They won't budge, so every stop we do, somebody gets on and gets off. So I had a new person next to me because they all look and go, oh, that guy's got a tray down, he's got a bag. You're welcoming.

I'm welcoming, I got the seat wide open. I don't want them sitting next to me either, but I'm a human being. You're a good person. So I'm sitting next to Snotnose Jimmy and the smelly Asian and the fat douche. It's the whole thing. I meet 30 people, I'm speed dating over here.

Old Snotnose Jim. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but these guys, I mean, I guess I said I'm jealous of them and I hate them because, you know, they got what they wanted, but they're also evil. So whatever, what are you gonna do? But I'm hungover, so I'm cranky and douchey. So I get to the South Station.

I'm very excited, opening for the machine, Wilbur, Boozen, Beantown. We gotta stop W Hotel Stay, which is right across the street. Oh, we didn't get a W. Oh, love a big W. I stayed there for the half hours. Ah, nice.

So I get there and I didn't realize you can walk from South Station to the W. It's like 15 minute walk. You can walk everywhere in the city. All right. It's a small town. Sorry, disabled. But yeah, so I go, ah, fuck it.

So all I have is a little suitcase and a fanny pack because that's all you need. I'm staying one night. Right. So I go down to the W, I throw my bag down, it's a beautiful room, I got the view of the Wilbur from my hotel. Wow.

It's great. Thank you, Christure. And they say, we want you at the theater by six. I get to the hotel at 5.30, I take a bean boom, boom, throw on some perfume, go down to the Wilbur, I wait, work on my set. I'm just doing a hot 20. Leanne walks in.

That's his wife. Oh, I don't know Leanne. What's that? I don't know Leanne. Very lovely woman from Georgia, nice gal. Good times. We chatted up, Burt likes to show up a little later, and then we chatted, get to know her, it's very nice.

Burt shows up, we shoot the show, we hit it off, we trash some comics, it's a great time. Do the first show, I can hear him giggling in the side. Oh, that's sweet. He's a sweet guy, such a good guy, and he cares about comedy, but the crowd wasn't great. Really? I mean, they were good.

They were like a hot crowd, but I thought it was gonna be a ruckus. I see. You know, he's got a party group, a party fan. Yeah, yes. So, I'm like, ah, well, but here we go. And also, I'm still hungover, so I'm trying to even out, I've had four cups of coffee,

I've had 13 beers, I'm trying to get back to Normanville. I can't do it. So, I kind of was like, ah, that wasn't great. I mean, it was great, but it wasn't killing. Wasn't what you wanted. It wasn't what I wanted, so I felt a little weird that he went up and he kicked it out of the park, but he's doing a special.

So he had an hour ready, and it was good. Like, it's like a solid stand-up hour, he's always like, oh, he's a story guy, he's a drunk guy, but this was like punchy, punchy, punchy. Wow, good. Personal, talking about his dad, his childhood, his kids. It's a great hour. I'm excited to see it.

And here's what's fun, his wife watches him, she's dying. Oh, that's a beautiful thing. You don't see that anymore. No, you don't. She is all like keeled over like, ah, that's her kids, he's talking about. That's kind of fun. Oh, that's wonderful.

Yeah, it was a beautiful thing. Yeah, so we go back, we got our little downtime between shows, we hang out, we get some food, we diddly-daddly. Taylor, is that Taylor, the Wilbur lady, she's amazing. She keeps that ship running beautifully, and I gotta be honest, I lied to her, I was so hungry, and I didn't want to go out and get any food,

I want to leave the theater, so I go, Bert's wife is hungry, and she goes, oh, don't worry, I'll get a menu, and I was like. Oh, nice, good move. So sorry, Leanne, but I put it on her. So then, second show rolls around, we go out there, and it's just bananas. I am kicking ass, Bert's doing the story,

he's going, Norm, it's killing, ah, I got a million followers, it's the best. I want to do a queef, but I couldn't do it with the wife there, because there couldn't, it was a whole thing. Yeah, no queef with the wife. So, killing, hot show, he goes up, and just, I mean, they're on their feet,

they're going crazy, like, Bert, Bert, the machine, the machine, Thomas, Fat, Leanne, Ari's gay, the whole thing, and they love him so much, and it's just killing, and you're like, man, if this is your special, you're gonna be great, bulletproof, and just a great night, and then Bert is such a mensch, he leaves, he goes down to the lobby of the Wilbur,

it's jam-packed, the cold air is coming in from the outdoors, he is shirtless. Wow. Couple drinks in, taking a photo with hundreds, hundreds of people, photos. Wow. And they're all trying to talk to him, but he's trying to be nice, and he's super gentlemanly,

and he's going, I want to talk, but I gotta keep it moving, you know, and he goes, everybody go to the Tam, you know the Tam? Oh, believe me, I know the Tam. Everybody go to the Tam, we'll go to the Tam and drink, he goes with all of them, the Tam is jammed, he walks in, they're like, ah, Bert!

Oh, they probably hated him, that's like a real towny, local fucking dive bar. It's all his people. Wow. Yeah, I mean, he jammed the place, and I'm talking to him, and they're getting to know us, I'm talking about Tuesdays, they're writing shit down, like, I never heard of you before,

what are you, ugly, and all that, and it was a great night, Bert did it up, we did it until like four in the morning, we closed the place down, we went back to the W, passed out, and he got on a flight at like eight AM, I don't know how he did it, he's an animal. He's a real soldier, he's a warrior,

what do they call him, the warrior? The machine. Now the machine. He is the machine, I don't know how he does, he's a special, special guy, I even asked him back, I was like, how do you do it, you're 86 years old, you look like hell, what's the secret, he goes, I don't know, just do it.

Wow. He never had any, no bragging, nothing, he's just that guy. No kidding. Yeah, drunk, oh, so I get a text, my Amtrak is at noon the next day, I wake up at like 10 AM, I'm hung over again, two days hung over, that's when you start going,

I gotta stop this, what am I doing? Double hang. Double hang, hang man, so I get a text at eight AM from my guy, I got one eye open, I go, eh, what is this saying, it says, you're not gonna believe this, oh, I forgot a thing. So some guy at the bar was just super annoying, it had like a crazy eye, it was that guy with a beard,

a blue plaid shirt, and he was like, yeah, he was like bothering Bert, he kept holding you, he's one of those guys who would hold you, you don't pull your arm, you're like, come this way, photo, meet my girl, photo, and you're like, all right, he looked shifty, the kind of guy who was like, oh, this guy's gonna kill somebody, so he was weird,

so I wake up to a text from Bert at eight AM, it said, somebody got stabbed at the TAM last night. Oh, see that's the TAM, six in the morning. That's the kind of place it is. Yeah, and I go, oh, I hope it was the blue shirt guy, cause that guy deserved it, so then he got on a flight, the whole thing, and I sent him a bunch of tags for jokes, which was nice.

The tag? Yes, and I got back on the Amtrak, once again, the outside seat cunts were in full effect, and got to New York, went to a Super Bowl party where I offended three people out of the gate, some Brooklyn woke people, didn't like it. Nah, geez. I made a Tom Brady, a sun-kissing joke, that got weird.

Then I said, his haircut looks special needs, he went, oh, special needs, I was gonna say little kid-ish, Jesus Christ. Oh, wow. I was like, oh, come on! And then my gal got up to wash a dish, I go, I've never seen you wash a dish, and she goes, Jesus.

Oh. I was joking! So then I went to the cellar, that was amazing, I got there right for the Eagles win, Big J's going crazy, Vecchione's going crazy, Ari's going crazy, Soda's going, it was just a beautiful night, free food, two six inch subs, six foot subs.

12 foot of subs. Bobby Kelly, the whole thing, and had a few drinks, and that was the weekend, folks. Woo, baby. Yeah, it was a great one. Hot dog. So fun to leave regular people and go to comedians.

Yes. You know, I made a joke about, what's that guy, Matt Patricia? Oh, yeah. I said he looked like a terrorist, and that just shut the room down. I mean, it was not good in Brooklyn. Oh, jeez.

Yeah, but you can say whatever, about whatever at the comedian table. Yeah, he could say, he looks like, you know, your mother's cunt. Yeah. Which he does. I think I did. And that was that.

Similar hair pattern. Well, we gotta wrap this thing up here, I mean, we're overtime. Yeah, good times, good pod, good to see ya. Good to see you, good to meet ya. Boy, a lot of stuff coming out, the Netflix half hour, tentatively, it's gonna be March 20th.

Oh, right. It's very tentacly. So, but tell a friend, every Tuesday, make sure you watch that until everybody you know, for God's sakes, we're gonna really make a push for that. And tell some friends, go hit the Patreon. We got some new shirts come. We got a super cool design coming up.

Which is gonna be fun. I got new dates added, Denver Comedy Works, they're all on my website, comedienjoelist.com. And go hit my Facebook page, comedienjoelist on Facebook. Give it a like and follow me. And hopefully big things are happening. And Chipotle, gift cards, all that stuff.

We love you guys so much. I really am very grateful for all this stuff. So thank you. Yeah, do you say new shirts are coming? New shirts are coming and... The whole thing. Queens, bonus app, come see us live, Mark Dorman comedy.com, hit the tweet, yell at Chipotle,

go to the Facebook page. We love you, God bless America. And we'll see you all in anal. My father's gay. I'm in my handings when legends cry. Homelessly watching the music die. Please believe that we've got you.