Tuesdays with Stories! - #233 Pony Tale

Episode Date: February 20, 2018

Mark & Joe are back once again to catch up on Joe's run ins with literal and figurative Tuesgays in Key West, Florida and Marks wild time attending Amy Schumer's wedding in Malibu! Check it out! We now have WEEKLY bonus eps with Mark & Joe talking about whatever! Get on it! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download Go on iTunes and give the pod a #5StarLunch review!1

This is a Stand Up New York Labs production, providing you podcasts since 2013. Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard.

And then the duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe Lest. Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody.

That's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. We're started! We're off and running. We're here. We're gay. We're running. We're...

Things are happening. Things are happening. Things are cooking. I haven't showered. I got the lady-dried jizz on the dick. I like the lady-dried jizz. I don't mind it. I don't want you to shake it off.

It's like dandruff on your dick. It sounds like a woman in a history book. Lady-dried jizz. She ruled the kingdom. You got burned at the stake. You're so dry. Well, that'll happen. I've been looking into menopause,

because my wife is almost 40, and that's like 10 years away. Oh, that's a pretty early look into. Well, you gotta know, but evidently the menopause, the pussy gets dry, I heard. So you gotta squirt some toothpaste in there or whatever. Yeah, I've always heard like,

are you feeling dry downstairs? Or whatever the commercial is? Are you not so fresh? Interesting. Yeah, it seems like a bummer, but I didn't know... You always just go, well, I'll be supportive and stuff,

and then you realize, oh, this might affect me also. Yeah, well, with the jizz. Me too, hashtag. Well, with the menopause, you can jizz all in there, because this is a dead baby factory. Nothing's coming out.

That part's nice, but I think the sex drive goes down maybe, and then they get a little depressed. And a hot flash. A hot flash, but hot flash seems fine. I get them myself. Oh, do you?

Yeah, every once in a while, if it's warm in the room. Sure. Yeah, I guess I get that too. It's not so much a flash. It's just like a room entry, I guess. But the vagina's dry. So if you're menopausal,

or if you're with someone that's menopausal, shoot me an email, and let me know what's going on with the menopause. I'd like to be prepared. Again, it's years away, of course. I'm sure we'll be dead by then, but... Is she concerned? I don't think so.

She's concerned that I'm concerned. She's like, what are you kidding me about? Yeah, I'm concerned too, a little bit. But maybe that'll open up some anal opportunities. Oh, the back doors unlocked. Yeah, you know, well, this might be too gross this early in, but would diarrhea serve as a...

Lubricant? ...lube? Yeah. If you have a muddy shit, can I... talking to you personally? Oh, oh, yeah, I mean, well, my asshole's always damp. So I'm okay.

I get a wet, wet underwear situation all the time. Well, antimicrobial should take care of that. Yes. MacWeldon.com. Oh, yeah. Hashtag me too slash Tuesdays. I'm sitting on a bounty right now.

Towel? Yeah, the paper. Oh, okay. Or brawny, but bounty's the most absorbent. The quicker, thicker, pick you upper. Thank you, tainter. Oh, boy, how was your val day? Well, I don't do any val.

I don't believe in it. I don't like it. I don't acknowledge it. I say, hey, happy Valentine's, but I'm not buying a card. I'm not going to dinner. In fact, we went to dinner the week before and then we went to Key West and, you know,

that was wild. So I don't, the Valentine's Day, I don't like being pushed around by these people. Buy a card. Get a chocolate. Fuck you. Fuck your parents. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, there's a million bits about it, but that whole like, I'm going to blow you on Valentine. Your girlfriend tells you that, and you're like, how do you just blow me? Normally. I wouldn't mind to blow. Well, how about that?

I mean, I'm going to jump right into this since you brought up blowing. Please, we've already done the Aria Lube. Yeah. So we'll clean it up in the back half of this one. Back half. Uh-huh.

So I'm in Key West, and which is a very gay island, as you may or may not know. I did not know. Really? No. Oh, it's something. Fantasy Fest.

A lot of the guys would like, they have a dildo on their dick, and that's all they're wearing, that kind of stuff. Like a dick sheath. Yes, exactly. Oh, there's a horrible comic. Dick sheath.

Oh, yeah. He has some decent stuff. He had a little skinny tie, A&E. A little dirty. But yeah, it's a lot of that. Like the leather. There's a lot of leather. There's a leather shop

called the Leather Factory or something like that. And then you go in and you can try on ball gags. Oh, fun. And, you know, the whole thing, and there's like a window. You can see people.

It's almost like a tattoo parlor. You can see a guy getting strapped in and whipped around. It's pretty fun. Uh-huh. So we watched that for a couple of days. And there's also, you know,

the manhole. And there's a lot of that stuff. The back door, the toolbox. All that good stuff. Rusty crack. All that fun thing. So I'm at the show and there's a fella.

It's okay that I'm outing him. I mean, he's outwardly gay, but I mean, outing him on this story. Uh-huh. His name is Pony. Oh, boy. Ride that pony. Yeah.

And he came up to me and Sarah after the show. A sweet guy, nice guy. I think he goes on occasionally. They have some local comics. Well, you're telling a ponytail. Yeah, a ponytail. Uh-huh.

I love it. So he came up to Sarah and I and he said, hey, Sarah. I think he's joking. I don't know. If you don't feel like blowing Joe tonight, I can do it. Wow.

What a fun gay. Fun gay. And I said, well, you have to shave the beard without the beard. It's him. And so, and then Sarah didn't really react too much. And then we kind of laughed and we had a long conversation about Paris.

He's been, we're going to Paris, the planning. So he laughed. And then later I was like, well, we're going to talk about this pony offer. Yeah. The pony remark. Yes. Yes.

And Sarah's like, what, what, which party? He's a great guy. And I was like, no, he's a nice guy, but he offered to blow me. And Sarah was like, what? And I was like, you didn't hear that? And she's like, no. I was like, he said it to you.

Right. And she must have just been spaced out or whatever. And just thought, because it was right after the show. So she probably thought it was like a, hey, great set. So she just kind of, so we don't know what her reaction was exactly. Was she jealous? But she probably did like, oh, thanks.

Oh, interesting. Great. So he might have thought that she was like, okay. Whoa. Now would you partay? I don't think I need a blow job from a pony, but maybe a stallion. Yeah.

I think that's a big carrot for the pony there. I appreciate the, that's a decent carrot. That's a bumpy carrot. I do have green pubes. And it's sprouting out of some mud. But I wouldn't take it, but it's a nice offer. I appreciate it. I agree.

And as a straight hetero guy, I always see gays jokingly hitting on your girl. Yeah. It's always weird, like kind of inappropriate. But I like what he's hitting on you. So what I thought was interesting was, he thought I got like a nightly blow job. He's like, if you don't feel like blowing him tonight,

I'm like, blow me tonight. I mean, I got like a, every few months we're talking. Quarterly. Blow me tonight. Great app. That would be a good app. That's not bad. But so a pony, I appreciate it.

If you're left there listening, my friend, I thank you. And he's a handsome guy too. Oh, really? Might I add? Yes. Boy, I'd like to get back in the saddle with pony. Take me around the track. Good looking guy.

He seems well, he's well dressed, well quaffed, and handsome fellow. I appreciate the offer. And who knows? I mean, maybe a couple of years down the road, we're tired of each other. We got to mix it up. Yeah, it's like the Louis C.K. thing.

May I do the second half gay? Oh, that's not bad. Yeah. He's a good comic, swell guy. Funny guy, good dick. Never saw it, but... How about this for Val Day? All right.

So I was going to be in Buffalo, which is the least romantic thing on the planet. So I told the lady. Yeah. So I told the lady and she's like, ah, well, what can you do? Which was nice. I thought she was going to go nuts.

So I said, I'll send her a nice bouquet. Ooh. So I hit proflowers.com, and I hate to give them a plug. But you know me, I'm not good on the interwebs, and I've booked a flight to LaGuardia when I was supposed to go to JFK, and I've done this, and I've done anal

when I was supposed to done oral and all this. So I was all over the road, so I booked the bouquet to go to my house but be billed to her work. Uh-huh. So I fucked it up completely. Oh, so she got a bill and you got flowers. Exactly.

Oh, boy. I don't want either. I need the sheet. That's a reverse cow. That's more of a bukkake than a bouquet. Uh-huh. I'm a bouquet. So I go, oh, I push the end, I go,

ah, shit, I fucked it up. And usually you fuck up, you call them right back, and you go, hey, I fucked it up, and they go, yeah, whatever you need. So I call them, and I get the most thickest, foreignest, gooky, kooky lady accent on the planet. Kooky? It was like, whoa, what a pro-flower.

I was like, oh, shit. It was like a parody, a mad TV sketch. That sounds like all in the family. What's her name? Gertrude? Oh, the mom? Yeah, what's her name? Helen?

Dennis? No, it's, uh, oh, Archie. Yeah. What's her name? Your knucklehead, or your meathead. Meathead was Reiner. Yeah. I don't know what her name was,

but she was nice, I think. Yeah, she was ugly. Uh, but yeah, it was like that, but Asian. Oh, okay. So it was like, oh, you scored the order. And I was like, this is bananas. I'm not one of these like, I want to fucking, this is English, motherfucker, America.

You got to speak R. But I was like, this is, I'm having trouble understanding. I don't know what you're saying. And I just had to hang up on her. I hung up. Oh, well, it's hard when those folks are in the service industry. Yes. It's one thing if you're, you know, sweeping up or working in whatever,

a mechanic or something. Right. I guess that's service, too. But like, with anything that's communication, it's a difficult. I can't believe they hired her. Like, I don't know how she got through the interview. It was that bad. She might own the place.

It's probably a, you know, an Asian parlor. Oh, interesting. Yeah. Well, you know, you got to do credit card numbers. Each number is coming back. I don't know what she's saying. She doesn't know what I'm saying. Everything's taken.

It took like way too long. So I just said, let me hang up. Got right. Fall. Exactly. I would have killed for that guy. So then I hang up. I call back.

Now I get the, the kooky, I think, Indian Middle Eastern lady. Uh-oh. Well, you moved West a little bit. I went West. She's a little, little, uh, easier to understand, but still thick. More south. So I go, hey, I just want to cancel this. And the worst part is she cancels it.

And she goes, do you want to make another order? I can't do Indian. Hello, don't want to make another order. And I was like, yes, yes, another order. Same order. Just flip the addresses. And that was all a thing. So then I have to redo the credit card, redo the whole thing.

But here's the clinker. All right. I wrote a card. Ah. You can write a card online, you know? Yes. It's really fun. The card is this mushy, inside-jokey, lovey-dovey bullshit.

And I got to listen to this lady read it back to me. It was so embarrassing. Oh, jeez. Oh, the little cute talks and the baby jizz and all that. Come and bow. It was brutal in the Indian accent. Oh my God. Me lick your pussy tonight for fun.

A lot of that. Yeah. We went ice skating and she was, she's like a, she used to be a hockey player. So she could ice skate and I couldn't. And she was mushing me. So I wrote like, I love when you mush me. Big husky bitch. She wrote back.

She's reading it back like, I love when you mush me, you husky bitch. It was brutal. Oh boy. So that was a kick in the pants. So did she end up getting the flowers? Here's the clink. I got- Two clinks?

Two clinks. Double clink. We're doubling up. She got the flowers. I got a set of flowers. So I had to call them because the Asian lady didn't know what I was talking about. She's a clink too. Yeah.

She's a chink clink. So I got the flowers. She got the flowers. So I wrote, I never do this. And I got online like an old white lady and I said, hey, I use your company a lot. And you ruined it up. I shouldn't be charged for these. And they wrote back like, you were sorry.

Blah, blah, blah. You're fine. Well, that's nice. Well, I think the markup on flowers is very high. Oh, it's bananas. I think it's like a 10 cents per flower and they charge you 80 bucks. The whole thing. Yeah.

Yeah. It was a nice chunk of change. Well, that's good. The phones are lighting up. I think I got to bring that back. The phones are lighting up. Well, people had been emailing. By the way, email us Tuesdays with stories of Gmail.

I haven't got an email since the cows came on each other. Yeah. It would have been milk though. It was a fun night. Oh, yeah. Well. Well, yeah. Valentine's Day, I worked at the stand, Sarah and I, which is not a hot night to be doing

comedy. Not ideal. It's all dates and whatnot. But it's actually a decent hang over there. It was Yamanica. It was Ari. It was Soder. It was me.

It was Sarah. It was fun. And both shows were sold out. So it's pretty good. But yeah, nothing crazy. We had to get up at five in the morning to go to Key West, which was amazing. So that was kind of Valentine's Day as you know. That's something.

Yeah. We went down there. I'm good all year round. I like to be one of those guys. There you go. I don't need a day. I'm over here buying Mr. Chicken. I'm taking on trips and we're making love and I'm rubbing backs.

So. Another one with that. I don't believe in this Valentine's Day. I'm sweet and whatever. Yeah. It's all made up. It's like the wedding ring. You've got to spend two monthly salaries.

Like who made that shit up? I think it's more than that. I think it's three. I heard. I thought it was deuce. I think it's three or possibly four. No. Definitely three.

Can we get a Google shell? If you're making no money, you might have to do four. I believe it's three. But I went very low money on the engagement ring. I noticed. Yeah. It's a ring pop. It's a wedding ring.

But yeah. So we had to get up early day after Valentine's Day. One of these 730 flights at JFK. So you've got to really get up extra early. Yeah. Get the $50 cab ride. Which you never, you always forget. It's 50 bones from Astore.

Yeah. Well it's you know, 39 plus a tip. So you're around 46 or something like that. Which I still don't understand the tips in the cab to be honest with you. That's why I got an Uber. Oh yeah, actually we do lift there and then we'll cab back. Because the way back, once you're at the airport, it's harder to lift there. It's tough to get that.

So I just jump in a cab because it's a line. But yeah, we lift out there but that's still 38 bucks. Sure. They still want a tip as well. Yeah. So you know. I wonder if they've made the subway such a cunt on purpose to get to the airport. Because you've got to get the subway to the airport.

Then you've got to get the air train, which is another Finske. Yeah. And then you've got to get to your terminal, which takes another 48 minutes. The only time I take the train is if I have a midday flight. If we're going to like, you know, Europe or something. Yes. I have like a 3 p.m. and I'll leave at 11 a.m. But other than that, you just, you're getting the cab.

It's like, who wants to, I don't want to walk to the e-train at night. Oh, Shelby's got something for us here. It used to be that, but now it's like between, like half of people spend between a grand and five grand on a ring. Oh, that's good. So it's getting lower. Yeah. But it used to be what?

Like, it was like two months in the 80s and then it was three. But I think that was all kind of made up by the diamond companies. Of course. That's all made up. That's why you got to love the feminists. Love them. Yeah. That was the most genuine Shelby moment we've ever had.

Oh, yeah. Feminism helps men quite a bit. Really? Well, yeah. Hey, you want to go to work? Great. Go to work. You want to not buy dinner?

Great. Or you want to buy dinner? Great. It's all good for you. You want to be a whore? Great. How about that, the buying dinner part, though? Well, yeah, that's all talk.

I haven't seen a lot of that either. All right. But on paper, feminism is good for the dude. I got you. Well, anyway, so we go out to JFK. We're flying JetBlue, which has made some moves where they're not quite as great as they used to be. Oh, they were the best.

They were so great, but I think it's less room. They used to board from the back of the plane. Yes. But now they're doing ABC like everybody else. Backend. But I stuffed it all in a backpack. I'll be the last guy on the plane, which is a fun way to do it. I'll get on when I want.

Now, do you go seat, pack, floor? I go under the floor. Yeah, I don't want to take anything. I can't live like that. Once we take off, I pull it up. I put my feet over and right through. I don't want to bother anybody. I'm just over here, sticking my bag under my tits.

Sure. And boobly boop and bibbity bing. I'm a big upper-decker. What do you call that? A storage? I think it's called the roof rack. Roof rack? That might not be right.

Yeah, I know. It's the overhead compartment. Thank you. Compartment's a fun word. Not a bad word. Compartmentalize. Yeah. Take off your pickle.

That's fun. So anyway, we flew down to Fort Laudan. Now, last time I did Key West, you might remember, we flew to Miami. We flew at night, stayed at the airport hotel, watched Mike Becky Owens' Tonight Show. Then we woke up, got a car, drove down early in the morning. This time, we were working Wednesday night. It was Valentine's Day, bibbity bing, shoo-booty boop. So this time, we had to fly down Thursday morning.

We get to Fort Lauderdale instead of Miami, which is further north. Sure. We get there, we rent the car from there, and now we got to drive from Fort Lauderdale. And it's a haul. It's like a five-hour ride down to Key West, which is, you know... So how does that work? You get to Miami, then you get on a hop on a boat? No, no.

I get to Fort Lauderdale and drive from Fort Lauderdale to Key West. It's all bridges. Oh, I didn't know those bridges. Seven Mile Bridge. It's one of these thousand and one things to see before you. True lies. You ever see true lies? Have I seen true lies?

I jerked off to it a week ago. Yeah. To your Carrera. Oh, no, no, no. No, I think it's Jamie Lee Curtis. Both. Oh, okay. She had a dick.

I don't think that's a myth. I saw it in the paper. We've talked about this before, I believe. But there's that scene where she's moving her boobs around and putting her dress on. I beat off to that when I was 9, 10, 11, and yesterday. That scene where she's doing the dance and he's like, move closer to the bed. Yeah. He goes full Stephen Hawking.

Oh, my God, that dance was unreal. It was really something, but I thought he thought she was hot. I liked Tony as well. Tony and Pony. Her dad, Curtis. Oh, Tony. Gay Tony. Yeah, wouldn't mind sucking his balls.

Sure. Well, get a Tony ride. I guess I wouldn't mind, actually. Yeah, that seems a lot. That's probably mine also. I don't understand the ball sucking. I like it. I know, but I got worms in my bag.

I got the varicokalee. Suck the worm. It's like tequila. You can't suck a worm. Oh, I got a worm suck recently. It was a pile out of my week. Well, anyway, so we drive down all the way down. We drive down all the way down to Key West.

We stay at the wicker house on Duval Street, which is one of these real kitschy old hotel rooms where every room is different. Seems weak. Like a wolf could blow it down. Well, it's funny to say that because one night we're sitting in the back and it was an ideal hang. It was big Alvin David, who's the funniest person I've ever met in my life. Oh, he's a hoot and a holler.

Tom Dustin, who's one of the best friends I ever had in my whole life. I mean, we go back a ways. Also funny. As funny as it gets. I mean, these are two of the funniest people on the fucking planet. Uh, Sarah Talomosh, the funniest woman I've ever met, certainly. Uh-huh. And top five men I've ever, funniest men I've ever met also.

Sure, sure. She's got Jamie Lee Curtis syndrome. Ah. She's both. Big tits. But anyways, so this four of us are just sitting in the back yard. We got a little, it's perfect weather. It's that like humid-ish, but not humid because it's February.

It's just 75 degrees. A sea breeze rolling in. By the way, Key West is so similar to New Orleans. I confuse them. Is that right? That's the thing. It's that French Catholic old, you can drink on the street. It's party, fantasy fest.

There's the one big street with all tourists and you get an alcohol. All right. So it's like, I keep feeling like, I'm like, oh, there's a great record store. Oh, no, that's New Orleans. And then I was like, oh, remember that time we were, I don't know, that was New Orleans. It's very similar. All right. Who that?

Plus the hurricanes, all that. Sure. The blacks. Yeah, it's not really blacks in Key West. Oh, really? There's a few. There's a bunch, but not, not like New Orleans. Oh, because we are considered a chocolate city.

Chocolate city. Well, Key West is more of a fruit city. Ah, like a parfait. Yeah, it's, you know. It's a fruit cup. Yes, a bag of fruit. But anyway, so we get down, we stay at the wicker house. The first night, we're all hanging out back there.

And there's another gal named Ashley who's like a local boat dame who really hooked us up. She was cool. And we're hanging out, telling some stories, spinning some yarns, we're smoking cigars, drinking beers. This is all at the wicker house? This is at the wicker house. Uh-huh. Wicker.

Oh, oh, I thought it was like a bunch of Fred Durst characters. No, no. Or M&Ms. So all of a sudden, we hear some squalor over, over, over yonder. We just hear like a pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft. And we're like, what the fuck? We look over and there's a guy. You ever heard the term parkouring?

Yes. What's that mean? That's where you jump from fences and balconies and roll on a roof and you know, you go out of a bridge and under some stairs. Well, that's what this guy was doing. I never heard the term. I look over and he's doing a 1991 Eddie Vedder. He's swinging from fucking rope to rope.

He jumps out of fence. He slides down. But it's our hotel. Like he's cracking into our fortress. He's hanging on the wicker. It looked like, you know that scene where in Casino where De Niro's meeting with the fucking local guy and the FBI lands on the fairway. Oh, yeah.

And they're like, what the hell's going on over here? That's what it felt like. All of a sudden, we're all just looking over quite like, what the hell's this guy doing? And he's like swinging on a fence and a vine and like birds are scattering everywhere. And all of a sudden he like drops down. Yeah. And the guy's shit hosed. What?

And he walks over. He's like, hey guys, just looking for my hotel room. So he must have lost his key. He lost his room. But he was a pro. I mean, he's not a pro. He's just a fucking young athletic guy. I guess.

Oh, wow. That's pretty cool. But he really hopped some fences. He was out there riding fences. Yeah. Which a woman. He comes in and then he disappears at the back door. And then we were like, that was crazy.

He's like, hey guys, you know where room 220 is? Like this time he asked. He's kind of a badass. This guy's like a superhero. Yeah. He was a little stray. He had a fedora on. So he's kind of like hipster-y.

But he was like legless. It's weird when you're talking to somebody in a blackout. Yes, yes. This guy's going to have no memory. I could dick slap this guy. It had no idea. Right. Yeah.

Except for the herpes on his cheek. But the parkour. Yeah. He's like, hey guys, you know where room 220 is? Like this time he asked. He's kind of a badass. This guy's like a superhero. Yeah.

He was a little stray. Except for the herpes on his cheek. But. The parkour I don't get. Because what's the end game? You know, there's no parkour Olympics. There's no talent show with parkour. Like the only thing you can do is that wipeout show.

That's about it. That's all you got. It's kind of like being a drag queen. Unless you get on the drag race, you're fucked. Yeah. Well, you can. They have a lot of drag queens in Key West by the way. I think they put on shows.

They get people. They dance with the nipples and people pay on my cash. Fruit bag. They're doing pretty well down there. But this guy, he was parkouring out of necessity. He was looking for a room. I guess that's when it comes in handy. So I don't know if he ever found it.

But finally I helped because at first he was like a psycho. We're like, don't look at this guy. But then he seemed nice and just crazy and drunk. So I tried to help find a room. I was like, that place over there has rooms. This place has rooms. So he's probably dead somewhere. Yeah, I'm sure.

There's a fedora in the water. But that was pretty neat. But we had, we smoked a ton of cigars. They were drinking beers. The shows were great. Key West comedy. Go down there if you're ever in the area. It's at the bottle cap on Simonton Street.

Who books this? My buddy Joe Medaus and Tom Dustin. Oh, I got to hit up Dusty. Yeah, you got to talk to him. But it's not great money. I took quite a loss between you and me and the lamppost and the table. Oh, really? Now is that because you're a big spender as far as I know?

Well, the first time the flights were cheap. Next time we're going to try to book it in accordance with cheap flights. This was like the flights were like $1,200. Because it was Valentine's Day. It was vacation. It was President's Day. It's February. Get a car.

The car rental was $400. It was a real kick in the pants between you and me. And the thing I already said. The wicker. Yeah, it was quite a wicker. But the hotel was great. We had a great time. We buddied up.

It's all these rich guys down there that ditched their lives and moved down there. These old doctors and orthodontists and stuff. And we met too. One was Captain Alex. He used to be a doctor who claims he cured cancer, which is very odd. Whoa, that's a bold one. He's like, cured cancer, but I didn't have the money. And then we're like, how much money?

He's like a million bucks. I'm like, don't you have a $800,000 boat? Yeah. That was a little peculiar. That's when you got to throw another one at him like, I invented guacamole. Right. It was interesting. But what do I know about cancer research?

Maybe he did. Yeah, yeah. But I wanted to be like, hey, a million bucks. Let's do a GoFundMe. Say, hey, we cured cancer. Throw a few bucks in. I mean, we're getting 700 on the Patreon. We cured cancer.

I know. Forget about it. There's a lot of kinds of cancer. There's colon. There's esophageal. There's tits. I've Googled all of them. I thought I had them all at one point or another.

Tits. Well. I guess men, you can't get the ovary. Men can get breast cancer, not ovarian. Yeah. Unless you have ovaries. I get it. But then you're shooting blood.

Is it uterine lining? Ah. Well, menopause. Call in. But anyway, so we meet these rich guys. And there's this guy. His name is Dennis. And he's an orthodontist by day.

And then the weekends, he comes down here. He just bought a brand new boat, like just out of the wrapper of this thing. It's a 30-foot twin-engine speedboat, outboard, center console, fucking beautiful. And he's like, hey, I'll take you for a spin. So me and Big Al and Tom and Sarah, we all jump on this thing. This guy, Captain Alex, he's his neighbor on the boat launch thing. He jumps in. We get out there.

He's got these twin engines. He opens it up. And we're doing about 40 knots, baby. Open seas, not a cloud in the sky. He puts Dave Matthews band on. Why always light? Why always light? But you get Dave Matthews out in the keys, the Gulf of Mexico.

Open air. Satellite. Yes. And we're going crazy. Big Al's got a long beard now. He looks crazy. And we're sitting out on the bow. And I got Sarah in my arms.

We're all singing Dave Matthews. Everyone's got a cocktail. I'm smoking a cigar. Oh, my God. And we're just weaving in and out of the buoys and the patches and the whatever they're called. We go up to a sandbar, the snipe key. It's this huge sandbar.

And we just walk right up to it. We're in two feet. I'm swimming. We're throwing the Frisbee around. It's the sun is beating down on my baseball hat. And unbelievable day. Thank you, Dennis. And this guy, he's in like great shape.

He looks like he's about 60 years old, but like ripped. Yes. And like sexy. I think maybe he got, you know, his wife left him. Something happened. I don't know what's going on. But this guy's living the life down there. Maybe a midlife.

And he really opened this thing up. I mean, we're doing four. I put some pictures on it. They were very popular. That was exciting. It was really, really something. So I got to say thanks to Dennis and Ashley and Alex. And of course, big Al and Tom and Sarah.

One of the best days I've ever had in my life. We came back. We ate mussels and burgers and crabs and shrimps, the whole thing out in the water. Shows were killer. Got offered to get a blow job. It was really a beautiful night. And then you get bikes late at night. We're riding around bikes and highly recommend Key West.

Just a great place to be. Beautiful, beautiful weekend. Thank you, Pony, especially. Yeah. And maybe a cheap vacay. It's a nice vacay because I mean, I still got paid. So after all expenses, I had like a three day Key West thing for, you know, 500 bucks. Two people.

That's a steal. Yeah. And then last night, holiday pay at the Comedy Cellar. The great clubs, they give you a holiday pay. Yeah, the good ones do. When there's a holiday the next day because they had twice as many shows. Cellar had 10 shows last night. What?

I was on five of them. I've never had that. Are you kidding? She gave me three. I was on the first show and the last show. I was there for seven hours. I set up a tent. Oh, my God.

And it was holiday pay. So I made more money last night than I made in three days in Florida. Wow. That's lunch. And great hang. We had Robert Kelly. We had Nikki Glaser. We had Phil Hanley was in a good mood.

He was fun. Joe Mackey was ripping it. Godfrey was over there. Sherrod was there. And who else? I saw the photo. I was so jumped. Liz texted me at five and goes, hey, didn't you do spots at night?

I said, sure. She said, I'll get back to you. I heard from her. Oh, jeez. Well, it was quite a night. Rachel Feinstein bailed on two spots. I got to thank her because there's an extra few hundo. Nick Griffin was hanging out.

I watched a lot because I was there for six hours. I'm going to watch some comedy tonight. Sure. I watched Griffin. He was great. Alan Havy was great. And what a magical night it was. Man, that is a beauty.

I wish I was there. You've been a clean 501. 475 or so. Two at the Fat Black was 150. One downstairs was 125. And then two at the cellar was two hundo. You cleaned up, Betty. Cleaned up and did a bunch of new fun stuff.

I threw out some Key West shit. Oh, my God. I feel on top of the world right now. Yeah, you do five sets by the third one. You're Lucy Goosey, you know? Yeah, exactly. You can fuck around. Exactly.

Agent Appleucci was there. Will Silvitz. I mean, everyone was coming in and coming out. It was really a fucking swell hang. Magical hang. And then Bobby's like, get some wings and mozzarella sticks over here. There's ice cream over there. Oh, I went crazy and big night over there.

Man, I'm jealous. Magical. Al-magical. Yep. Anyway, so can we get into your Valentine's Day week or what here? Sure, sure. I think the people are chomping at the anal here. All right.

Well, buckle up, homos, because this one gets kooky. So I'm in Grand Rapids. I'm going to go all the way back to the top here. All right. I'm in Grand Rapids, Mish doing Dr. Grins, Good Club, Fun City, did the whole thing, and I'm sitting in. I'm sitting after the show. It's a Saturday night.

I'm three sheets to the, what was his name? Wind. Cliff sheets. Hmm. Who was that comedian from the 80s we mentioned? Dick Sheets. Dick Sheets. I'm three sheets to the Dick Sheets.

I'm at the Bob sitting there. I got a whiskey in my hand. I get a text that says, hey, it's Amy Schumer. If I got married on Tuesday, would you go? And I wrote, ha, ha, blow me. Yeah, right. What are you, pregnant? And she wrote, ha, no.

And I said, all right, I'll be there. And she wrote, she put a heart. Wow. Okay. So now I'm talking to people like, can this be real? We're passing the phone around. It's real, baby. Now, I fly back to New York on Sunday, do my arrangements.

She gets a jet for everybody. Wow. To leave Tita Barrow Monday night. What a rich woman. Oh, yeah. I mean, my God, that's got to be a lot. Yeah, well, it's a lot. And it was a big jet.

It was like a three-parter. Like it had three sections. Wow. And she's loaded and she's helping out her friends. Because she knows, like, hey, people have jobs and plans. So I'll throw them a jet. You know, women will throw down some cash on a wedding. Yes.

On a nuptial, they will drop some cheese. So Monday rolls around, 5.30 jet out of Tita Barrow. I take an Uber out there. Get on the jet. Now, here's the clinker. That's three clinks. Already a clinker. This is an early clinker.

Oh, we got a long ride ahead of us there, dickless. I know. I'm just saying, usually a clinker is towards the end. Oh, yeah. No, this is an early clink. OK. So we get on the jet. Hope you know what you're doing here.

We get on the jet. There's three sections. Now, the front section is her dad is sitting there. He's got MS, wheelchair, the whole thing. He's got his handlers. Yucky. Then the middle section is all of Schumer's High School Long Island friends.

Oh, gross. These are hard drinking, hard swearing, twats. Nice people. Then in the back is the SNL cast, 80 Bryant, Vanessa Bayer, the other guy, whatever. And so I get on. And I'm like the last guy to get on. So I'm kind of like, well, I'll just mix it up.

I'll go a little here. I'll go a little there. We've got five hours ahead of us here, folks. Little handicap, little trash, little celeb. There you go. Yeah, good mix. So I get on and we take off. And right when the plane leaves the ground, the Long Island

goes, vodka soda, fireball, Yeager Bomb, car crash, Irish car bomb, the whole thing. So they just bam, bam, bam, putting them back, putting them back. Turns out they're all on Adderall, the whole thing. Wow. And the gals in the back, the SNL chicks, they were in blankets.

They closed the door and they got headphones in. Right. It was 30 minutes of like, oh, I'll pretend to get along. But after that, they're like, look, where's celebrities? Blow me. We're going to read a magazine. Right. Is there was your dame with you?

No, no. There was enough seats. Oh, no seats. Apparently she told me she would have flown out, but I didn't. I just zoomed out. There's no seats on the jet. She's not coming. Didn't I see her in a photo?

I threw one in there out of guilt. Oh, jeez. I was trying to make her feel like a part of it, which I think backfired. Oh, man. But yeah, that was a photo from Rhode Island. Oh, jeez. I threw it in.

So now we're 30 minutes into this thing. These Long Island gals, they're playing flip cup, beer pong, icky cookie. It was getting bananas. Now, how big is this plane feet-wise? It's pretty long. It's longer than here to here. Wow.

The door to the wall there. It's a big jet. I took a photo of it. And so now, I don't know if I should say all this, but Dad's got to go to the party. Oh, boy. And it's too much of a trek to get through all these Long Island labia, and then the SNL cast tonight.

SNL. Dad's got a poo. Oh, boy. So that's Darrell Hammond now. Yes. So we have to make a makeshift curtain. Oh, that's kind of fun. Well, it's fun.

It's like the worst puppet show you've ever seen. These puppets are all brown. So, you know, the handlers are taking the pants off, the whole thing. So we're holding the curtain. And they go, you got it going on. Yeah. They're like cheering them on.

Hammond. Oh, my God. And then now every now and then I got to pee because I'm drinking too, just trying to like get in there. And then. You can go to the back. Can't you? And the back's taken.

It's all, it's small. So the back is, it's all occupado. Oh, jeez. You got to walk through the back to get to the bathroom. So sometimes I would just sit in the toilet and just sit there because you need a little introvert time. Nice. Okay.

And you know, it's weird because you're in a. Yeah. What? You're with the Long Island girls. It's like you're at Studio 54. Then you slide that door through the next room and you're in fucking the library. You know, it's like a coffee shop.

Yeah. They're tweeting about Trump and reading Variety. Yes, exactly. That's probably what they were doing. Yes. They're all on their phones. They're watching videos. Some are sleeping.

Some of an eye mask on. And so it's just, it's the weirdest juxtaposition two seconds away from each other. Then you go in the toilet and you just sit there. I got, I put earbuds. I'm like, well, let's do a little podcast for a second. Just to get some alone time. Then you come back and they go, where were you fucking pussy?

You didn't. You missed all the shots. You're like, Jesus Christ. Take it easy. Well, now how are, if I don't, if I may be vain for a moment. Any lookers in the Long Island area? Maybe in their day, they all have kids now. I see.

Now is Amy on the flight? No, she's been out in Malibu living the dream. She flew us out. She goes, Hey, you guys figure it out. I got you. So finally, at one point it's getting so crazy and, and crunk on this flight that I just, I just have to lay on the floor. I just lay on the floor with my earbuds in just to get a break.

That sounds hot. Did they make you eat your own cum and stuff in your balls? I wanted to, but about 12 minutes in to be laying on the floor. One of them just goes, what the fuck are you doing? She's standing over like, come on, you pussy. Why am I the funnest chick on this flight? I'm a mom. I'm a mom.

You know, cause these guys don't, I don't think they get out. Well, you want to say that's why. That's why you're the funnest. Exactly. It's a Monday night for me. Right. It's a Monday night and we're going to land in LA at nine and you're going to be blacked out.

Yeah. So it was a whole thing and then I don't want to get too into it, but now we're four hours in. It's getting weird because like they're just yelling and going, they're like, they're fucking trashed. These people are blotto. The dad's annoyed because it's so loud. It's one of those things where they're all yelling at each other.

They're next to each other. Yes. There's a lot of that. Well, the booze does that. I hate booze. Right. And you're like, I'm right fucking here, man. I know.

And then I did like a one of these every now and like, shh, I'm right here. And then that's like the kiss of death. They get so offended by that. It's like fuel on a fire. Yes. So eventually now we got like 30 minutes left, 40 minutes left. We're just counting it down. These gals are hammered.

And then you get the one super hammer girl coming up to you going, you don't like me, do you? You don't like to breathe in that gin in your face. Like, what is it? What do you don't like me? Like, she went out. You got to be like, oh, no. Then she went to the back area with the SNL and just sat down with them and do it.

And she was like, what's going on? What is it? It was like, oh, it's so awkward. They're just like, we're just trying to fly to LA like nothing personal. Like take it easy. Now, any SNL people you know is Che on there. No, no. It was all gals.

I know Bayer. I know Vanessa Bayer. She's like the nicest person on the planet. Very sweet lady. But no, it was all ladies and an Asian gal. I didn't know. And then another guy didn't know. Not the flower lady.

No, no, no. All right. I think she was an acupuncturist. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. But finally we land. Now, Schumer got all them hotels. But I think she was like, hey, they're out of hotels.

You got to figure it out. You know people in LA. They don't. It's like Keith Robinson was on the flight. He had the Beats headphones. Oh, Keith is there. He was there. But after 20 minutes he was like, he went to the front of the plane with Dad.

Yeah, he belongs up there with that arm. That's true. Yeah, right. He's in the hospice. Oh. So by the way, the food on the flight was unreal. Really? She bought us all like crazy Italian, like high-end chicken parm, chicken marsala, pasta, dessert.

It was like strawberry cheesecake after it was bananas. Wow. So we land in Burbank. Oh, that's a great airport. The Long Island gals fall down the stairs of the plane. They get in. There's a big SUV. Now, I'm not going to the hotel with them.

I'm staying at a friend's house. Oh, okay. So I got to go get an Uber to budget rental car at LAX. Oh. Yeah. There's no rental at fucking Burbank? No Burbank rental, baby, because it's kind of a high-end place. Oh, my God.

Yeah. That's a long ride. There's probably a closer rental car place. Oh, no, it was Van Nuys. I went to Van Nuys. Oh, Van Nuys. That airport has a rental. It was about a 20-minute ride.

Okay. But if I went to LAX, that would have been, you know, an hour. A month, yeah. So I get my rental car, and now it's like 10 at night, and I got my guy, Jonathan Morvey. Jonathan Morvey. I know Jonathan Morvey. You know Morvey?

Yeah. He's a cute little guy, Jewish guy. Great guy. He's writing for something, or he did a late night something. I think he wrote for a bunch of stuff. Now he's working on scripts and the whole thing. Living in LA. He popped up somewhere recently where I was like, oh, wow, Morvey.

I did new faces as well. Aha. That might have been it. So he's a good kid. Great guy. And a Tuesday. No kidding. I'm hitting people up, and I hit up Morvey.

He goes, yeah, sure. Come on by. I got a room. I'll stay at my girlfriend's. You take the place. And I felt horrible, but I needed the place. Oh, I love that. I love that.

But yeah. So I go over there. He lives in Los Feliz. And this guy's got the best apartment. I took photos. I'll show you. All right. Unbelievable apartment.

I'm not gonna believe you. A lot of plants. Very hip, cool furniture. Very rustic. Wow. Balcony, the whole thing. It never occurs to me to buy a plant. Oh, I got 10 plants in my tiny apartment.

He's got some plants, but they just die because we don't have the sun. And then you gotta feed it. The plant. I don't get it. A plant. They do spruce, which is ironic because that's a plant. But they spruce up a place. I guess.

They really give it life. I spruce myself. I come in. I put on a tune. I dance. I take my pants off. You know what you do is you get the best of both jizz and you get a fake plant. I don't like anything fake in my house, unless it's a pair of fits.

What are you talking about? All right. What about my hip? All right. So get to his place. We just sit down on the bed in his room. We just talk comedy. We talk life.

We talk love. We just went at it. And I was like, boy, we really went at it. I know him, but we're not like best buds. Yeah. But we just opened up to each other because he's like, I'm in LA. I'm so lonely out here. It's very lonely in LA.

Yes, it's a lonely place. It's what do you call it, individualized or what do you call it? Separation. Isolated. Isolated. Got it. Thank you. No problem.

So we just chatted until like three in the morning and then I was like, hey, buddy, you got to go. I kicked him out of his own house. Oh, that's a fun move. Yeah. So he went to his ladies and then I took a big, mean poo poo and a nap and woke up, went upstairs. He's in the living room, which always feels weird.

He's like, hey, I made you a smoothie. What a guy. Wow. And I got one of those real nights of sleep, you know, round table. And so we go out. We talk more. We talk more. We talk more.

We talk more outside. I go, thanks, Morvey. You're the best. Big fan. Praise Allah. Jump in the car. And I just go straight to Malibu. Now, the wedding's not till four, but it's like noon and Malibu's about an hour away.

So I go, you know, I'm just going to go to Malibu. It's the most beautiful place in America. I'm just going to sit on the beach, soak up some rays, listen to some music and just be by myself. And it was great. And so I sat on the beach. I went in the water. There was a scruffy dog playing out there.

There was a guy with the metal detector, the whole thing. So peaceful. So quiet. So sunny. Beautiful. Malibu doesn't look like America. It looks like, like far off land, like Brazil or something. Yeah.

It's something else. It's wild. It's special. And it's not been too fucked with yet. There's not like a pink berry in the middle of the ocean, you know? Right. So Malibu's great. And then I go, I can use a bite, but I go, I don't want to, the wedding's coming up.

Why should I go get a meal when I'm going to eat this wedding food? But then I'm like, ah, I can't wait. So I went and found a Chipotle in Malibu. Love a Chipotle. Woo! I've been to a Malibu Chipotle. Oh, have you? Yes, I have.

Yeah. I went to the mall in Malibu. This mall is insane. It's open air. You know, there's like ceiling fans going two miles an hour. There's beautiful people everywhere. You're like, what do you do? What do you, what are your lives?

What do you do for money? How do you live like this? They're all wearing workout clothes and full heads of hair and tan. I think a lot of them are doctors and lawyers. That's what I was learning in Key West. All these boat people, they're orthodontists, they're doctors, they're surgeons. Because there's a doctor for every part of your body. Right.

There's like a spleen guy and there's a liver guy and there's a lung guy. So there's all, our girl, and so they all have that. They all have the money. I guess so. Malibu is where I was with Sarah. I probably told this story before, but where we were at Starbucks and this woman, like the most hottest woman I've ever seen came up and she was like, excuse me, I was here about an hour ago.

I spilt my drink. Can I get another one? They were like, oh, all right. Yeah. She got a new drink. She spilled it. She was there like 45 minutes earlier and spilled her drink. They were like, oh, sure.

We'll get you one. I was like, what kind of world is this? That's Malibu to nuts. That's Malibu. That's it right there. Everything's free and giving away. It's like they have, they should be giving to poor people, but these people have money and they get all the free shit.

The richer you are, the more free shit you get. Yeah. And every parking spot is like a Ferrari, Maserati, Porsche, Lamborghini. It was insane. And then the sun is shining. I mean, I mean, Chipotle. It was so crazy. So now I'm like, oh boy, it's 330.

So I go in my car. I look like a biggest piece of shit in Malibu because I'm like putting on my button down, putting on a blazer, changing my shoes. You know, I'm throwing my suit on in the parking lot. So I look like a weirdo. And finally, I ride out to the wedding. It's at this house way out like past Malibu. I don't even know where it's called like Laca Duda, you know, some Spanish word.

Quinta. Quinta. Quinta in. So we get there and there's a long line going in this driveway and I go, that must be it. So I just pull in, now I'm in the driveway line and they got a guy with a clipboard, big black guy, you know, nice outfit on. And he's like, what's your name? I roll my window down.

Mark Norman. He goes, oh yeah. All right, you're right in here. And I look in the rear view behind me is Larry David. Oh, come on. In his car. Wow. Unbelievable.

My hero. Come eat a gyno. Oh my God. Date. Huh? Date. Daughter. Oh.

Don't call me daughter. Yeah, I'll call her whatever she wants. Good looking whore. Pete Davidson's girlfriend. Well, I think this might have been the other one. Oh, okay. There's two. Oh, that's good to know.

But I think she was, this guy was a little underage. Well, we can do less editing this way. Yes. So, and it was so cool because you've seen Kerb so much in your life that you've seen Larry driving a lot. Right, of course. In my mirror, it looked like an episode of Kerb. Was it Prius?

Yes. Wow. That was a cool thing. And he was doing like the, he was getting annoyed because the line was taking long. So I was watching Kerb in my mirror. Oh my God. A mirror Kerb. Yes.

Kerb mirror. It's a miracle. Kerb. Miracle. Kerb stop. So. Great movie. Yes.

So, what was that movie? American History X. So the, I'm so excited because I see Larry that the guy comes up to you with the clipboard and I go, I'm Mark Norman. He goes, okay, I got you here. And I go, that's Larry David. That's Larry David behind me. Because I had to tell somebody.

Yeah. And he goes, who? And I go, that's Larry fucking David. And Kerb here, he has him in Seinfeld. He goes, ah. Oh, geez. He didn't know. Not a JB smooth fan, I guess.

Oh, maybe not. So then he goes up to Larry David and I can see him pointing at me like he's saying you're Larry David. Wow. So Larry David was like, who the fuck, he's like looking over the wheel, like who the fuck is this? And I'm trying not to let him see me. And now the line has stopped for some reason because a bunch of like wedding people had

to come out of the driveway with like, you know, equipment. It's hard to keep a line moving. Any line. It's never moving. Not moving. It's always somebody. There's a parking spot across the street. So I yelled to the clipboard guy, go, hey, can I park there?

And I see, I'm pointing out the window at the spot across the street and Larry David's going, what's he pointing at? He's noticing me gesturing because he's mad about waiting in line. So he thinks like, I'm on to something. He's mad about you. Maybe. Tell me why. Tell me why.

Tell me why. I love you like a dude. Tell me who. Oh, that was fun. Yeah, that showed. I don't think it was good. I think it was great. Was it really?

Oh, go back and watch again. I was so young. That was fun. It was a movie and fun. It was a dog. Helen Hunt's not a bad peach. Oh, yeah. We watched her naked that time and the weird, you know, in front of the plane movie.

It's my phone wallpaper. All right. So we finally get in the wedding and I pull in this valet right there, this beautiful house up on a hill on the beach, the whole thing. Pull in guy gets in my car. It's so nice. Like I'm not used to being treated this way. Like the guy's, hello, Mr. Normand.

Hello. And he opens the door for you. Get out and you go, you sure? Everything's good. Like, here's the radio. Like, all right. So then you walk in, open air home, a sky roof, giant counter with lobster, oysters, raw bar.

Oh my God. What do you think they dropped in there? We got to be a million bucks. Oh, easily. Wow. I mean, the jet alone was eight million. So the food's insane. The husband is a chef.

Oh, yes. The food is top notch. She's kind of like a famous, this chef. Oh, we'll get into that there, Johnson. So the food is crazy. There's all these spreads everywhere and there's an open bar. You go to the bar. The guy's got the, you know, making the drinks there, the bow tie, the shaky.

So I mean, it's just crazy that you start looking around, you're like, all right, there's Keith, there's Kyle Dunnigan, there's Nikki Glazer, there's Rachel, there's Pete, Rachel's husband, there's Bridget Everett. So I'm like, all right, I know some people. And then, you know, we start, I just glom on to Kyle Dunnigan and Keith, because these feel like, you know, also degenerate people who shouldn't be here. Yeah. Keith's the one black guy in like 800 miles.

So then we're all chatting and I'm getting, I'm putting them back and you just look out there. It's like beautiful blue sky, blue ocean, the whole thing's crazy that the altar is right up on the edge so you can just see over. Yeah. Good, good kill yourself, I guess. So then Apatow walks in, Seth Meyers walks in. Here comes Larry David.

Wow. Chelsea Handler behind him. Jake Gyllenhaal. Oh, my favorite I heard about Gyllenhaal. They grew up together. They grew up together. I loved that Gyllenhaal. I would suck his dick on a Wednesday or Tuesday or Monday.

He's a cool guy and stunning, stunning in person. Oh yeah, he stuns me. I mean, one of the great, I mean, he may have been my favorite actor, just kidding. Yeah, yeah. But he's up there. He's up there. I liked the blinks and prisoner. That was fun.

Prisoner was good. Donnie Darko and a nightcrawler. Brokeback. Brokeback, my favorite. I mean, that's like my favorite movie. Gorgeous man. Pony. Gorgeous man, great performance.

He's a kid in the other movie where he's a kid at the school, whichever movie that was. Bubble Boy. Now, he's young. His first movie. We talked about this before. His first movie was like City Slicker. Oh, yes, it was. Yeah.

He's in the ending. Yeah. He's really something. Yeah. Much better looking than his sis. Jarhead. Yeah, the sis is not. Yeah, the sis is tough.

I can't tell if she's 28 or 49. Yeah, she's not my cup of tea visually, but a fine actor. Great actor. And there's more to life than looks. Yeah, not in Malibu. But anyways, yeah, I love Gyllenhaal. I mean, I got a real thing for that guy. Oh, yes, smoking hot, great smile.

By the way, Chelsea Handler, huge knobs. What's that mean? Huge. Oh, I think she had like a skin graft, like a cancery. Crazy cans. Big crazy cans. I know. She had to run to like get over derbs and it was like all over the place.

She posts photos naked all the time. I guess I missed them, but these things are bananas. They should be talked about more. More like melons. Yes. Banana is more of a cock. Wow. There's some banana tits out there too.

Yeah, that's true. A couple of ski slopes. Key West. Yeah. All right. So I'm just in awe. I'm like, oh my God, and these people don't know who I am. So they could make up anything.

So I just start going up to people. Yeah, you're a producer. I'm a producer. I'm an agent. I own Paramount. Who knows? I'm not going to believe you're Asian. No, that's true.

But I was wearing one of those pointy hats. Oh, that's good. So I go up to Seth Meyers, who I've never met. Wow. And the cocktail I go, oh, what are you getting? He's like, oh, whatever this tequila thing is. Oh, yeah, tequila. You know, the only alcohol that's an upper.

I'm just shooting all facts. I'm fucking around here. Wow. I got nothing to lose. He didn't know me. And I go, hey, how about that Michelle Wolfe, huh? She sold a show on Netflix. He goes, oh, because I knew he liked Wolfe.

Yeah, of course. So I know Wolfe. So that's boom. We got a common bond. And he's like, what's your thing? And I'm like, oh, New York comic. And he's like, oh, I didn't know that. So now Meyers.

I'm networking. Wow. All right. So. You sure? Boom. David Spade walks in. Spade.

Spade. Wow. The blonde guy with a weird mustache. He's hitting on every blonde in the house. I heard he was the biggest pussy hound of all time. You got that right. He was. He was not far from Nikki Glaser.

I'll tell you that. Oh. She's about eight feet taller than him, though. She's a large legged lamb. Wow. I'm not saying she's large. I'm saying she's tall and he's short. Yeah.

She's very long. It'd be a weird pairing. I think she'd be down. I don't want to talk out of a university, but I think she'd be down. Well, I mean, David Spade, who's one of the funniest guys ever. Come on, black sheep. So. Tommy boy.

Thank you. So where we're hanging out, then Apatow walks up. Bing, bang, boom. Talking to Apatow. We talked about Ellen. Ellen's got a special. He's like. Is Ellen there?

No. I wish. But he's following Ellen around for her special and helping her. Who's this again? Ellen. Apatow. Apatow. Yes.

Yeah. Richard Everett's fun as hell. And everybody's awesome. It's a good crew. And we're all hanging out. Then the ceremony starts. Now, I don't know if you're familiar with John Early. Yeah.

I saw he did a character or something. Yes. I'm not that familiar with his work. There's a show on Netflix called Characters. I'll move this along here. There's a show on Netflix called Characters. He does a character called Vicky, where it's like this southern, like, religious performer who's like, her catchphrase is, don't fuck with my denim.

And the whole crowd goes nuts. And it's hilarious, smoking, crazy blonde hair, a lot of makeup. And they like this character so much they're like, we should have him marry us. Right. Officiate. Yes. So he's at the altar and he is killing. Wow.

He's so funny. In character, denim on, like rhinestones and weird shoes. Oh, no, no. Barefoot. And just killing up at the altar and then like, doo, doo, doo, doo. Amy walks up the whole thing with the guy. So exciting. So exciting.

And he's making fun of her and she's dying on the altar. It was the best wedding I've ever seen and it was two days notice. Well, that hurts my feelings. Well, entertainment wise. I see. You know, yours was a great wedding. I thought Bobby brought the heat. He had the couple zingers, the Lewis thing, the other thing.

Yeah, yeah. But when you're referencing Gomez, it's already a bad sign. That's a good point. But, you know, I mean, you had a great wedding, but this was like, this was, he was going, he was going for comedic effect. Right. Being a character was a whole thing. Boy, that's interesting.

And then Schumer and Chris is the name. They did the vows and the vows were gold. Chris. That's his name. Yeah. Chris Fisher. So now she's Amy Fisher, which is interesting. Yeah.

The search is on. The Long Island Lolita. So she kills, she's doing this whole thing like, I promise to still blow you after we're married. Everybody says I won't, but I'll do it. You know, it's killing. It's fun. Boy, that's interesting.

Yeah. Right in front of mom. Wow. And dad. Dad is his waterworks all day long. Really? And it was special. And it was, it was a, it was poignant and funny and heartwarming.

It was like an apatow, but not as long. Wow. And so then they walk off, we all go crazy, throwing the bouquet and this and that. And then the smash the glass. Oh, he smashed the glass. Big Jew. That's fun. Yeah.

Two Jews. He, she's a half. Well, she's got a name at least. Schumer. Schumer. That feels Jewish. Yeah. I think so.

So it was just great. We all go crazy. Flowers all through the air, you know, and now it's party time. So now we're all singing karaoke and we're eating, we're drinking just a great night. And the only, the only thing of note is at one, I didn't want to bother Larry David, you know, he's not going to like me. But at one point Amy goes, Oh, that's Mark Norman. He used to open for me and he looks at me and I, I wave and he waves and smiles because

I had a cigar in my mouth. Wow. So I can tell he was like, Oh, this guy seems fun. A wave and a smile. Wave and a smile. That's something. That's something. Thank God for the Stogie.

That is something. He's a smoker, right? Yes, sir. Yeah. So I had the Stogie going. I talked to club soda Kenny for a while because he's got great store. He used to open for dice or not open, but protect dice. Right, right.

And great stories. It's got way too drunk, passed out on the couch at the house, then had to wake up at 5 to get into my rental car, still drunk in the dark drive to LAX from Malibu to drop off the rental car and get on a 7 a.m. flight to Buffalo. Oh, the Balibu to Buffalo. It's odds and evens. It's yin and yang. Wow.

You don't hear that every day. Yeah. I'm trying to think if I missed anything. Oh, one more fun thing about the wedding is. Please. It was in this big, you know, mansion type house and every room like one room had the food. One room had a bar.

One room was a dance floor. One room was karaoke. But one room was all weed edibles. Oh, wow. And there was this hot lady in a black gown with cleavage. The green room. Aha. Yes.

How did they miss that one? Ah, well, I should have called. Should have called. And this one lady, she looked like Cruella Deville, but hot. She had cleavage and a black thing on with a cape. And she was like, it was like everything was under glass and looked like a jewelry thing. But with weed, she's like, this is a CBD. It's a painkiller.

And this is THC. And it was all gummies and just stacked pile high. Oh, my God. And you got like a gift bag and a weed cream where you can put on. Weed cream. All kinds of shit. So she was just giving you the tour and telling you what. So I'm just filling my pockets.

I take 18 edibles, 13 gummies. So now I'm passing on the couch, drunk, high weed, driving to the airport, baby, at night in a suit with jizz and food all over it. Wow. So fly to Buffalo, connect in Chicago. Worst flight of my life. Just squinched between two fatties, middle seat. Oh, boy.

And I landed in Buffalo. I had to show that. And I landed at 5.50. Show at eight. Oh, my God. We got to tease Buffalo because we're running out of time here. Oh, yeah, yeah. Come back next week for some Buffalo stories.

And I got some Boston stories. But I just got to say the wedding was amazing. It was one of the best days ever. It was so pretty. And congrats to Schum, a killer. Congrats to Chris. He was very nice. We played ping-pong after.

Oh, wow. The food was amazing. The drinks were amazing. The group was great. The location was great. It was all very special. And it sucks to anyone who missed it. Well, that must have been a couple million bucks over there.

Easily. Wow. That's crazy. And seeing Gyllenhaal, like this guy, Chris, he's a chef from Martha's Vineyard. Right. So he would cook for the Obamas and all these celebs. He cooked for Larry Daly. Everybody knows this guy because he's just the chef guy.

Wow. That is amazing. Yeah. Pretty wild. They haven't been together too long either. No, no. But I talked to her and she's like, when you know, you know. Wow.

Well. Yeah. So that'll be interesting. My thing with Matt, not to disparage her or her marriage, of course. My thing with a relationship, I think he had to go through two full of all the seasons. Two Christmases, two New Year's. Interesting. I want some ups and downs.

I want a weight gain. I want a weight loss. I want a higher. I want a fire. I want to meet those parents a few times. Yeah. Vice versa. Yeah.

You know what I mean? I like a lot of. Yeah. Lot of trial. I hear you and I'm the same way. But she's an impulsive, quick acting lady. Like she's like, this is what I want. Let's do it.

There's not a lot of like, let me think about this. She's a bang bang boom. Yeah. I think the same goes for the nuptials. The heart wants what the heart wants. So happy wedding, Amy. And sorry, I couldn't make it. I appreciate the input.

Yeah. Yeah. It really meant a lot to me. Tight scheduling. But no, it was great. Hey, we got to wrap it up here, folks. But hey, you know what? If you want more Tuesdays.

Yes. Get over to the Patreon because the Patreon has changed. You might be thinking, well, Patreon, I don't know what's what over there. I got three bucks. I got kids to feed. If you have no kids to feed three bucks a month, that's the minimum. You can give more if you'd like. Please.

Feel free to give us eight, 10, nine, 20,000. But there's a lot of bonus stuff. We're doing a lot of queefs. We're doing bonuses with Mark and I. We're about to do a little post game wrap up here. That'll be on there. Yeah. So go over to the Patreon, subscribe and tell a friend.

And I got a big hunk of news here. Oh, hunk. Well, it's official. It's an official word from Netflix to start plugging today. Finally. March 20th is the date. The standup season two, March 20th. Tell your friend.

Tell everybody. Don't just tell one person. And maybe the podcast isn't for everybody. We're saying all kinds of kooky things. But go watch the standup, folks. Yeah, that's for everybody. I don't know if it's for everybody. I mean, there's still a couple of slurs anyways.

Tell your mom. Tell your Paul. Tell that guy down in Arkansas. If you want to go to Arkansas, let's go to Arkansas. Oh, Lacey. Yeah, Lacey. So March 20th, spread the word. Tweet it.

Facebook it. Spray paint it on some stop signs or whatever you got to do. Tell the world. Hit the Patreon. Netflix March 20th. Patreon is big. And April's a big month for me. You know it already.

Ann Arbor, Moon Tower, Seattle's coming up. Winnipeg in May. Hit up my calendar. ComedianJillList.com. Yeah, same old anal for me. And Philly this weekend. Thursday to Sunday. Come on out.

Burke Christchers and Philly too. So we're going to get sloppy all weekend. Come join us. Then Ann Arbor after that. Michigan again. Comedy Zone. Charlotte. That's a big one right there.

Big room. Spokane and Tacoma. Yeah, Thursday, Friday, Spokane. Saturday, Sunday, Tacoma. That'll be fun. Love that west side. Laughing Skull Atlanta. Hot Atlanta.

Come on out. Blue room. Bloomington, Atlanta. Bloomington, Indiana. Sorry, the comedy addict. Funny Bone Columbus. Best funny bone in the country. Bananas at Hasbrook Heights.

Moon Tower. A lot of tweets about the live pod. It's going to happen. We'll let you know. Magoobies in Baltimore. Acme, Minneapolis. A lot of fun dates coming up. You know it.

You love it. Tell your dad. Eat out your mom. Fuck your daughter. See you in hell. Praise Allah. Thanks for watching. Bye.