Tuesdays with Stories! - #235 Solid Pouch

Episode Date: March 6, 2018

Mark & Joe are back recording in Marks apartment due to a scheduling snafu to get into whatever the hell happened to them since the last time they recorded! Check it out! We now have WEEKLY bonus eps with Mark & Joe talking about whatever! Get on it! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download Go on iTunes and give the pod a #5StarLunch review!1

This is a Stand Up New York Labs production, providing you podcasts since 2013. Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag!

Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe Less. Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. Nah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

Alright! Hey, hey! Here we are. Is this it? Bad start. Bad start. That's alright. Count it! Count it as a start, folks. This is a ground rate.

We're really Rosa Parksing it over here. Yes, I'm in the front of the bus. And I'm in the back and we're live from a school bus. In, uh, Mississippi. Who had that? Was it Mississippi? M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-E-I. I don't know about where it was, but I know Grand Rapids is trying to lay claim to her.

I saw the fucking statue of her! The statue's like she frequently visited Grand Rapids. Wow, alright. Yeah, in the back of the bus. I guess you're Rosa Parks. I don't know where Rosa Parks was. Alabama, Mississippi. I'm gonna say Southern.

Arkansas. But you know, who has that great joke by like, hey, Rosa Parks fought to sit in the front, when you get in the bus, all the black kids sit in the back. Yeah, the back is the cool part. Yes, black of the bus. So I don't know much about anything, obviously. But anyways, whatever you do,

don't mix up Harriet Tubman and Rosa Parks did that once at a party. Woo, they threw me right out of there. Well, I got in the big thing because I can feel, we've talked about it before, I confuse Helen Keller and uh, Zach Alpenakis. Oh yeah, I get that. He's on the TV here.

Helen Keller and who's the other one that I confuse her with? Nell? No, no. Who's this Helen Keller and then there's the one, the Holocaust girl. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah. I confuse those two a lot and then somebody, I got in like a fight with Louis about it

because he's like, you're an idiot. I think we talked about this in the pod, though. I don't know, I don't remember this fight. I talked about it somewhere because somebody tweeted at me recently and was like, hey, someone else confuses those two and I was like, all right, thank you. Yeah, I think that's standard. Well, because they're the only two

small girls that you learn about. With problems. In school. Yeah, yeah, and Anne Frank to your defense looks a little fragile. She looks a little kooky. Oh, she's fragile. I mean, she's hiding in a bunker for a month.

Yeah. A year. I don't know. I didn't read either book. I've been to the house. In Amsterdam. You got that right. That's where we had the argument.

I can't say Helen Keller. I think we did a whole episode. Maybe, maybe. I don't want to re-cycle. People are upset that they hear a thing again. We don't want to get back on Keller. Oh, she couldn't think or hear or fuck. What was it?

She definitely couldn't fuck. She probably couldn't fuck. I think it was too young. Oh, what? The Nazis cared that much. Wait, wait, no. I'm talking about Keller. You're doing it again.

Oh, Keller could fuck with the best. That's what I'm talking about. Oh, yeah. That's the only thing she could do. She blew my great-grandfather. Otto. Keller. Otto List.

No. Otto List. No thing. Well, Otto was Anne Frank's dad. Oh, is that right? Otto Frank. Look at the big brains on Mark. Yeah.

He was my mother's burger. That's that Hawaiian burger joint. But yeah, Otto, he had a great thing. I went to the Holocaust Museum and they interview him and they play a video on Loop. It's quite a bummer. Now, where was George during this? George Frank. Otto and George.

That was Otto and George. Is that a known thing? Otto and George, people know about Otto. Our fans know about Otto and George, I think. Oh, okay, okay. If you know, look him up. I mean, the guy's a place runner. Yes.

A trailblazer. Trailblazer. Blade Runner is a Harrison Ford. Ryan Gosling also. That's right. But yeah. Otto and George, I mean, he was Dick Van Dyke. Not Dick Van Dyke.

Dick Van Dyke. Who's the guy with the Jew but pretends to be Italian with the smoking? Oh, Clay. Yes. Dice. Clay Bertrud. Yeah. Clay Pot.

Andrew Dice Clay. Who did I say? Dick Van Dyke. Yeah, Big Diff. They're both dicks. That's true. Dice. Clay.

I'm all wacky in my head. Well, here's what I tried to say. This is what I tried to introduce. We're recording it in a new space here. Yes. We're in Mark's apartment on a couch. We're not even facing each other. We're both facing forward like a film car.

Right, right. We're both facing forward. Otherwise, we'd have to turn to each other on a couch, which is very bizarre. Well, I'm cocked. You're cocked? I'm a half cocked. You got no cock. I'm a chummer cock.

I got like half a cock. My legs are crossed, which is embarrassing. Yeah. And now we're just looking straight ahead. And there's no Shelby also. Yes. Shelby's out here. There's a new leaf here.

Yeah. I missed the Shelby. I missed Shelby, too, because at some point, we're going to have to Google or do something. But I think we'll be all right. So, Shelby, maybe when we send this to you, throw your voice in. Put something in right here. Oh. Oh, yeah.

Wow, Shelby. That was the most lively you've ever been. Yeah. Good point. Shelby's not here. We're not in studio. We're recording this on a Zoom mic. Zoom.

Is this a Zoom? I believe this is a Zoom. Oh, Zoom, Zoom, Zoom. It's a handy recorder, H4N. Ooh. Yeah. It's a lot of... N-word.

H&Ns. Yes. Good clothes. H&M. Bad clothes. Are they bad? I don't buy them. Well, you buy them and they're cheap, because you're like, wow, hoody for 12 bucks.

And then like three weeks later, the thread comes undone and you're walking around like Anne Frank on a Wednesday. Phantom thread? I didn't see that one yet. I didn't catch it either, but I like PTA. Yeah, he's good. And then DDL is nothing to snick it. You know what?

I get in the... Wait, DTL. DD. Oh, DDL. I see. Daniel Tane Lewis. I get real weird on YouTube when I go on a wormhole and I always do... What does Quentin Tarantino say about PTA?

And then what does PTA say about Tarantino? What does Scorsese say about... I like hearing what other guys think about other guys. You're right. I don't know why. And women. Yeah, women. And the Bushmen.

We love women. Yeah. But yeah, I love women. France McDormitt. Very empowering. But we'll keep it moving. We only have an hour here. But anyways, we're in a stranger in a strange land, building Berlin, the Bay of Pigs invasion.

Stranger things. Yeah. Stranger danger. Yes. Finger in the ass. We're back in New York City. This is a fresh one because right now it's Monday. This is the closest to release that we've ever recorded.

Oh, you're right. It's a Monday night. Yeah, it's Monday night. In New York City. We're in my West Village apartment. And yeah, we're doing on the Zoom. And it feels different, but I think we're getting back in it. Yeah, we're in it.

And I've been all over the place. Not really. I've been to one place. But I got a lot. So I'll dabble where I was. Then I'll come back out and then we'll journey back down there. All right. I'd like to get a good Uber and Boober.

Great. I'll lift. All right. Well, folks, I just got back from this is something pretty unique and exciting. And a lot of people don't get to attend. I went to a Marine graduation ceremony down there in Paris Island. I saw the foes. Yes.

Full metal jacket style. Although nobody shot themselves at the end of the day. And he's soaping a sock. Not that I saw. All right. Now they use Ninja Punch. I believe it's called. Come again.

You get three Ninja punches. And after that, I didn't get the rest of the info. I think you get ready to kill or something. Is that an Asian beverage? That's what you got. It's funny. We were just talking about ninjas. Yes.

Last week or two weeks ago. They're back. I guess they're in the Marines now. Whoa. But I guess if you do something, you know, against the unit or the values or whatever, you know, they Ninja punch, which I think they come up from behind. They shot. They nail you.

Whoa. And then they escape off into the distance. Yeah. Well, that's the Ninja way. I don't know. But my, my cousin said you got Ninja punch, but he didn't get any Ninja punches. So that's good. No.

Okay. That's good. But my cousin joined the Marine Corps, which is exciting. Wow. CRPS. Yes. Corpse. Yes.

Fuck a corpse. Hopefully not a corpse. Necrophilia. But it's pretty wild. You know, the Paris Island, you hear about it and full metal jacket and all the stuff. And then there's the Billy Joel song. I'm at a soul mate on Paris. I'm a girl.

Yes. Got it. So we went down there and it's exciting because he joins the Marine Corps and when anybody does anything bold, you're like, we'll see about this. Yeah. I mean, that's a big jump. Big jump. It's like getting married.

And you're like, all right, well, let's see what happens here. But he fucking did it 13 weeks on hell on the island. Wow. And it's exciting and it's a place you feel like you're never going to be. Sure. Paris Island. Because I mean, only the people go there. Where is, give me a landscape here.

South Carolina. Ah. Just outside of Buford, South Carolina, which for me, and this took over the whole journey for me because I wasn't thinking about it until I got down there. Buford County, South Carolina is where they shot all of Forrest Gump. That's right. So I get down there. I fly down to Charleston, which is a fine city.

Beautiful, beautiful town. Clean New Orleans. Love Charleston. I always said I would live there if I wasn't in comedy. I must have a 22 hour bus ride there to see my pal Derek. Is that right? We've talked about it before as well. You can get a mint julep.

Is that in a porch with a Searsucker suit? Oh, Searsucks. All right. I worked there. That's true. I'm more of a target guy. Now how about this? I went, I flew to Charleston.

I realized I've been to Charleston a couple of times. I've spent some days there, but I realized I had never been to the airport because I had gone twice before. I took a bus, a Greyhound bus from Boston to Charleston. And the second time I flew in a private jet. How about that? Not all of you will get to lay claim to that. That's a lot of range.

I've taken a bus and a private jet. I might be the only person that's ever taken a Greyhound bus from Boston to Charleston and then a private jet from New York to Charleston. You went from canoe to yacht. Yes. And nothing in between. You got that right. So I flew to Charleston.

I met my family. My whole family came down. That's the thing about my family. We're a big unit. I mean, one person go, everybody goes. We got a member doing something. We go, all right, round up the troops and everybody head down it. It was about 22 people all in one house.

That's nice. It was like a play. It was like August Osage County. Right, right. See that picture? I caught a half of it. Yeah, it wasn't bad. Except I think there was some incest in there.

We didn't really incest your size. That makes the movie better. Yeah. I never was attracted to Julia Roberts. Me neither. I'm with you. I mean, she had a nice smile. I mean, if she was your mom's friend, you'd be like, oh, that's my mom's attractive friend.

But as a movie star, I wasn't like breaking the door down for her. Certainly not ugly, but I just don't get it. Yeah. I'm more attracted to my wife than Julia Roberts. Me too. I tell you that. Yeah, big in the wife. I just don't, I don't.

But no, I'm with you. See it. Attractive, above average looking, but not a stunner. Yeah. You put her next to Anne Hathaway. Give me a break. She's a dog's asshole. I agree.

I'll look at Hathaway. But anyway, so we go down to Charleston, South Carolina. Then we rent a car. Now we're all in a car. We got a whole, we got two caravans. We rented matching caravans. Wow. My uncle and my aunt and my other uncle in one car, me and my parents in the other car.

And we drive down there and I start looking around and everything looks familiar. So I start googling film locations and we drove past the Gump Medical Center. Whoa. We went to Hunting Island State Park, which is where they shot Vietnam. All the Vietnam shit. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah. Hunting Island State Park and it's a beautiful park, top 25 beach in America.

This trip advisor. And it's like this crazy jungle land fucking park with these weird palm tree things and those other trees that Bubba holds his guts in with. Oh yeah. There's a little lagoon that they can call a river there. It's unbelievable. Wow. It's time to go back with my wife and camp down there.

Look at that. Things. Spectacular. The lowlands is swamp. There was a marsh bridge, like a footbridge out into the middle of nowhere. And I took some great photos. I posted them Instagram, Joe List comedy and then Paris Islands. So it's all little islands out there and you see some real poverty down there too.

Oh, I bet you got some, what, some wooden shacks and shit. A lot of shacks. A lot of families outside all day. Yeah. Like every time you drive by, I think the dog is chained to the chair. Oh, ain't a chained dog. Yeah. And there's no like real wealth down in that particular area.

Because it's just, even like the people that have money, I think they move to Hilton Head or Savannah or whatever. So it's pretty interesting. Now let me ask you this and it might get a little weird, but how much are you dreading this trip before the trip? Honestly. A little bit because it's hard with the whole family's day. You don't get to threaten this 20 of us in one house.

Oh, you're not kidding. I like a lot of a long time. I like to beat off. I like to eat my own cum. That kind of stuff. Sure. You know, standard. And my family can be loud.

There's a lot of drinking. I don't drink. Right. It's a lot of intense action. It's also early mornings. The military don't fuck around. Oh, you're right. They do more before noon than we do in our lives or some shit.

Yeah, yeah. There's a bugle out there, I think. Yes, revelry. Oh, that's the one. They blow them. Uh-huh. Lucky guy. So it was exciting, but super cool down there.

We went to all the Forest Gump sites. We went over the Woods Memorial Bridge, which serves as the Mississippi River in the movie, where he's jogging. They go, oh, for animals, or for the environment. I just felt like running. Right. And the movie, it means so much to me. I love it so much that it kind of trumped the graduation.

The graduation was in way of the Forest Gump site. Interesting. I mean, you know, I'm being a little hyperbolic here. Wasn't he, he was awarded a Medal of Honor or a Valor or something. He did get the Medal of Honor. I assume a purple heart, too. He got shot in the asshole. Yes, right.

Something jumped up and bit me. Yes. Can't see it here. But the army must get that money, because I didn't see a nickel of that million dollars. Ah, but he got a lot of ice cream. Yeah, he did. It's nice. Hey, are you hiring?

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I love you. Here, here. But anyways, it was really something. I don't want to hog. Maybe I'll go back and forth. Take over. Give me some business. I was wondering what the hell.

I thought you had a gig down there. I didn't know what was going on. No, no gig. Family time and went to that graduate. I want to talk more about it, but I don't want to monopolize here. All right. Well, let me pull up my anal here. All right.

Well, if I'm throwing you off here. No, I was, I was engulfed. Go for Mexico. All right. So here's a weird one. I had a set the other day at the stand. This is like last week. And I had like a five show night.

I'm running this Conan set. And boy did I get on the last show of the night bombing bombing with the new Conan sets. It's killing your confidence. I'm going to do this on television. My 13. Thank you. And this is a Tuesday in the front row. That's nice.

And he just goes Tuesday. I think he's drunk. He keeps yelling it. And I'm like, all right. All right. All right. And I'm bombing bombing Tuesday. Stop yelling Tuesdays.

So then I finally get off stage and he runs upstairs and he's like, Hey man, big Tuesday. And he just hands me 20 bucks. Wow. Yeah. He's like, I couldn't get a card. But here's 20 bucks. I think he felt bad about the yelling. I bet a couple people give me money.

I appreciate it. It's an odd moment. Cause you're like, I can't take it. It feels weird. It's cash. It feels weird, but we appreciate it. Sure. Nonetheless.

So then the next day I'm doing Nikki Glaser's new show on Sirius XM. Oh, fun. You Up. Yes. It's a name with Tom Takkar. Love Tom Takkar. Only Tom Brady. Cute kid.

That's right. Good change. Yeah. Helps his career. But yeah, it was a great show. We're doing all this. So I'm walking down the hall and I see Kevin Brennan. Oh boy.

In the Jim and Sam studios. He's about to get into a fist fight with his chunky guy. Kevin Brennan is terrifying. Oh, he's on his last leg and he's just, he's just going for it at this point. He's hanging by a thread. So he's got nothing to lose. But also a killer act. I couldn't follow the underground the other day.

Well, when you're doing an act for 38 years, it tends to get a little polished. All right. Well, it's, all right. Nevertheless. Watch him just break through the door here. I think he was nonetheless and nevertheless. I don't really know the difference. Nevertheless is like, eh, well, you can't do anything about it.

And nonetheless is, uh, I feel none, none, never, never similar. None and never. That's unrelated. That's unrelated. I think there's no nun loans. Nevertheless sounds better. Yeah. I agree.

Great delivery. Nevertheless. Yeah. But I do these series shows because you get a free ride to the airport. Oh, right. So I got the free ride to the airport, which I told Nikki about. And she was like, geez, I thought you want to do the show. I was like, oh, shit, you're right.

So then I'm walking out of series to get my black car to go to the airport. And these two guys, I don't know if you've ever seen this in series, but there's these two tall black guys who are twins and they just stand outside and they're wearing the same outfit because they want to meet celebrities going in and out. No, I don't know those guys. This is what they do. It's almost like a Hollywood Boulevard type thing. Well, that's an odd thing to do.

Yeah. So I walk out and I'm with like a guy with a clipboard. I'm going, where's my car? And so they go, this guy must be somebody. So these two weird dudes, I have a picture of my Instagram view, really scroll down. There's just two giant black guys. They're probably seven, eight. And they just stand outside and they go, let me get a photo.

Let me get a photo. And I was like, oh, I'm not anybody. And they're like, nah, nah, you, you're that guy. I'm like, all right. So now there's a crowd forming. All these people see me and these two twin nuts taking photos. And so now I got like eight other people going, well, I might as well get a photo. Do you mind if I get a photo?

I'm like, dude, I'm telling you, I'm nobody. This is a weird photo. So now one person sees me taking photos, so he just keeps dominoing. Oh my God. So now I literally took photos with like 40 people. Not even kidding. Now were the blacks in the photo also? No, they got out.

No blacks. No blacks. I mean, there was some black photographer. Because I thought maybe they thought they were, you know, Akim Alajuan and Patrick Ewing or something. Right. Well, they, they catch the eye from a block away. So I think they go,

A block away. Yeah. What are these two black twins doing? And so then they go, oh, they're taking a picture of this Shia LaBeouf or whatever. And then boom. Now I'm in that photo. That's funny because that's an old George Carlin line in one of his books because I come there's no black twins.

What's going on there? Oh. That was so funny. Wow. We should send him a clip of the Lucas Brothers. Oh yeah. But he's dead. That's changed.

Yeah. That's true. The blacks are multiplying apparently. I got chills. So I'm multiplying. Yeah. So I got, I, I bolted out of there. It's too many fall.

I'm going to miss my flight. Oh my God. But Roland at Sirius goes, thanks for doing the show. We'll get you breakfast, but time had gone by. Chipotle opened up. Oh girl. So I go, why don't I just hand me a burrito? He goes, you got it.

He signs up online, buys a burrito online. Wow. He goes, just go pick it up. It's already paid for. So I go down there and get a burrito. I go to the airport with it. Now my plan is to eat it in the car. Certainly.

So I open it up and the guy goes, whoa, whoa, whoa. No food in here, buddy boy. I go, what are you crazy? It's an hour drive. I can't just sit here with a fresh burr. What are you crazy? So he's like, ah, no food in here, fatty. And I'm like, ah.

So I go to the airport and I go, can I get this through security? And I'm like. It's got the tin foil. It's got the tin. Yeah. It's got, you know, guac and. Well, the guac's no issue. Well, it's got the liquidy mild sauce and the salsa and all that shit.

It could put heroin in there. That's true. Yeah. So I go, fuck it. I'm going to try it. I got it in the baggie. So I just put the laptop in the bin. I got another bin.

Put the shoes in the jacket, the keys, the phone. And I throw the burrito in. All right. And it goes through and they flag it. They flag the fucking barbacoa. Well, they're pumped. I know. The whole place reeks of barbacoa.

Everybody's like salivating. And now they're searching me. I'm going through the woo-woo, you know, and then they search me after. You know, like the x-ray where your hands are up. Yeah, yeah. Hands up, don't shoot. I got a woo-woo. And I get through and they're like, we got to check the burrito.

And I'm like, ah. Are you going to unravel the burrito? Well, it was a bowl. Oh, a bowl. It was a burrito bowl. That could be a meal. It's got a chroma crackers in it. So they open up the bowl.

They open up the tin. It's very intrusive. Extremely intrusive. This is my food. And then she's waving a wand over it. I rubbed a wand in my ass and unraveled the burrito bowl. I love an ass wand. She's got a finger in it, temperature test.

She's sniffing it. She's breathing on it. And I was like, I got to eat guys over here with vests on and checking out my burrito. Ass wand is the president of Singapore. I'm not mistaken. Well, they do a lot of caning. So caning the ass, caning an able. Caning an able.

All right. So I go, thank you. You about done here. You know, and I'm putting my belt on there, looking at my burrito. And I just take the burrito and I eat it right there in security because I've had enough. I don't want anybody. I got a problem with people seeing me eating. It's a weird thing.

Yeah, it's uncomfortable. There's no where to hide at the airport. You can't be private. Yes. So I just sat there on a bench and ate the burrito. I walked by. It was very awkward. I don't like that.

I had a TSA issue in Charleston coming home. How about this? These Southern hospitality fucks. They are all chatty and slow. That's like their charm. Yeah. But it stinks. Oh, it's brutal.

It stinks. You try to get a cup of coffee. It's an hour and a half. It's brutal. So I go to the TSA and I'm always, you always like, you have pride. How quickly you get through. Oh yeah. Well, not with a burrito.

Because I called down. I'm at the hotel. The last night we stayed, my parents and I, my cousin, stayed at the airport Hilton. We'll get away from the house. There's 25 people there. It's a two hour ride from the house to the airport. So I can stay at the airport hotel. This way I can get a decent night's sleep, wake up and go.

So I'm going to take a shuttle and I call down the front desk. I'm like, my flight's at 8.30 and he's like, all right, you want the 6.30 shuttle? You guys, you want the 6am shuttle or the 6.30 shuttle? I was like, no, my flight's at 8.30. We're four minutes away. It's an airport. Oh wow. Yeah, get the 6.30.

I go, well, what about 7? What about 7? If I take a 7 or 7.30, he's like, they always do that. And I'm like, well, maybe he knows something that I don't. Of course, of course. Even though this is what I do. You start doubting. You doubt.

Even though I travel every week for my fucking last 20 years. I start going, wow, he knows the area. And I'm looking at Google Maps. It says four minutes. Yep. He's like, well, you want the 6 and the 6.30. And I'm like, I'm not getting up at 6.30. No.

To take a four minute shuttle. I'm going to be at the airport at 6.34. Exactly. For an 8.30 flight in Charleston. Nonetheless. Your brain starts thinking. Yeah. But still, I'm like, fuck this guy.

I go, never mind. Cancel it. You know what? Cancel it. Yes. And so I just go, I'll just take it over. And then my parents, I'm like, if you happen to be up, text me. Because if you can give you a ride over there, it's going to take you 8 minutes total.

Right. And as soon as I say I know my mother will get up, she's not going to let me take a fucking thing. So I just go, I'll just get in the mother ride. Yes. The mother load. So anyways, I go over there and you want to impress your parents always. Yeah.

Especially with security, not especially, but with security get through. So I go in there. I'm TSA precheck. They dropped me off. And I'm the only one in line at TSA precheck. Get the ID taken. I put the thing in. I'm like, I'm going to get in here before they're even out of the airport.

I can't want to call them as soon as I do. It's going to be fun. I'm going to go, hey, guess what? I'm already through security. You have a little fun moment. Yes. They go, wow, that's crazy. Oh my God.

I love it. So I go through. I didn't realize the flight there. I took one of those little waters, the little grenade size. Oh yeah. And I stuck it in my little water container pouch. Sure. Side pouch and a backpack.

Oh yeah. I can see it right now. But it's so little that it goes all in there. So I didn't know it was in there. So I forgot. You don't have a mesh pouch. You can't see through. No.

It's a solid pouch. A solid pouch. Exactly. Shelby, write that down. Solid pouch. We're never going to remember this. I got it. All right.

Solid pouch. So it goes through and the guy pulls my bag out and I'm like, ah, it's going to fuck up my time. Yes. I was going to get through in 30 seconds. But that's all right. I'll just take a second. Who knows?

And the guy's like, Billy, we got to check up on aisle nine or whatever. And I look over and Billy, he's chatting with some old timer. That's what they do. He's just chatting. He's not chatting. He's not searching. And I go, okay, he was chatting. No big deal.

They got all the time in the world down there. It goes on for seven full minutes. I don't even fuck that long. All I need is for him to just take the water bottle out and go on your way. Yes. And he's just chatting. I keep looking at the other guy, the computer screen guy. And I go on, sir, is there anyone else that can do this?

He's like, I'm sorry. There's not. But I can tell he's also concerned because he's like, this is crazy. Fucking Billy chatting with the old timer. Yeah. And I'm just going, I'm pissed. Now people are coming through and coming through. And now my phone call, my parents is getting less and less valuable.

Right. And I want to connect, Mark. I got to connect. Alan. So I'm just waiting. And finally I go, sir, seriously, I mean, this is like, this is egregious at this point. The guy's just chatting. He's laughing enough.

I'm the time of his fucking life. Billy stinks. I'm not even late to my flight. It's like an hour and a half of my flight. But it's just the principle. Principle. So finally another guy comes. I mean, you know, the computer screen guy, the head guy.

He's like, hey, Steve, you just grabbed it. And then the guy's like, oh yeah, sorry. He's like, you know, you can't bring a watt. I'm like, I know I can't bring a watt. I didn't know it was in there. Just give me my bag instead of a bitch. And I feel like an amateur. But anyways, that was.

Oh, that's brutal. That's the thing. Like the south. They got rocking chair. You ever see a rocking chair in New York City because no one has time to rock? No. Get out of here. Yeah.

But he was a little off-putting. Well, he did have a rocker. Yeah. Yeah. People didn't care for that. Oh, it's brutal. I mean, I grew up in New Orleans and it was that shit all day. How's your mom and them?

You guys out there making groceries? Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got shit to do. Yeah, I don't like it. It drives me nuts. So I was at the airport. Now I finished my burrito. I'm flying to Detroit.

It's like a two hour flight, hour and a half flight. It's not a bad flight to Detroit. No. Detroit's nice. So I got the 1 p.m. Give myself a little time to sleep in. None of these early flights. I just booked a flight, too.

Oh, yeah? I booked the Nooder, I think. Or the 1049 gets in at Noom. Oh, that's perfect. Not bad. So I get in at three. Now, the club is an hour away, hour drive. So then it still gives me four hours to dick around in Ann Arbor.

I'm going to Ann Arbor. Yeah. So now the flight's leaving. It's a one o'clock flight. Now it's leaving at two. All right. All right. Well, still, I'll be there at four.

Not bad. Now it's leaving at 2.30. Now it's leaving at three. So I'm like, fuck. Now I'm going to get there at five. It shows at eight. But I'll be all right. So we take off.

Snowstorm. Freak snowstorm in Detroit. So now we're hovering in Detroit. Hovering, hovering. And then the guy goes, they won't let us land. And I had him thinking, just land. What's going to happen? Just land.

But he's like, they won't let us land. The shit's all backed up. We're gay. So we're going to go to Grand Rapids. And I go, ah. So now I'm googling how far is Grand Rapids to drive? You're driving a car. Your brain's just going and going.

It's not that close either. It's not that close. It's not as close as West. And I was East. Exactly. I'm up. I'm down. North.

South. Black. White. Ah. So we get to Grand Rapids. Now I'm texting Roger, the owner of the club. Who's a real great guy, but a kook. A kooky.

And I'm like, hey, I might get a rental car. He's like, don't get a rental car. Fly back to Detroit. Just go back to Detroit. I'm like, what do we go back? And I'm yelling at the flies. They're like, what are we going to do? An annoying guy like, oh, what's going on?

She's like, why? I'm like, it's an emergency. She's like, what do you have to do? I'm like, I got to talk to 17 people while they drink beer in a basement. Sounds like you pressed the panic button. I pushed the panic button there, Fetty. And so she goes, all right, well, we're going to refuel. That's going to take about an hour.

And you're like, God. An hour of refuel. Yeah, because they got to do paperwork. They got to get the fuel guy. He's doing other shit. I feel my car. It takes a half hour. It tops.

That's the thing. It's that extra bullshit. So they refuel. Then she's like, all right. Now we got to make our way to the runway and wait in the line to take off. You're like, God, the line. Just take off. So then we get to back to Detroit.

Now it's ball snow. Huge big bombs of snow coming down. Snowball. Thank you. I've heard of it. Yeah, they feel really good. So then you get down. Is that what it is?

Snowball? Well, I'm going to snowball Jackson. No, no. When you get the hand of the BJ. Snowball is, I think, that's something. That's something. I think it's when they drink the jizz. Are they show you the jizz?

No, that's called. Oh, yeah. That might be a snowball. It might be a snowball. Snowballs when you spit to come into someone else's mouth. Is that it? I don't know if you know that. No.

I think that's a snowball. So Shelby was here. We pulled up. That sounds like a spitball. Maybe Google. Maybe you should. I wonder my history, though. All right.

Yeah. Spitball. Come eat snowball. I'll look it up. Well, then there's also cream pie. Cream pie is something. That's the jizz when it rolls out of the vagina. That's what pops up when I type in www.c.

Right. On my computer. But then there's also the strawberry shortcake, which is when you jizz on the face and punch her in the nose. No, I never tried that. I tried. I had it done to me once. Snowball porn.

I'm looking at it. I'm on bing.com. Bing is good for porn. That's what I hear. Come swapping snowball, bitches. Oh, there you go. All right. You're right.

Swapping jizz. Kiss you snowball. Stop with men. I'm gonna have to watch this episode. Well, act it out for me because I can't see it. Suck and cum out his ass and snowballing that shit. See, I think. Ah.

Gee whiz. Interracial anal cream pie. Snowball. Come kiss porn. All right. Forward me that. Jordan Kennedy. Snowballs.

Another man's cum. I mean, this is horrible. Jordan. A lot of these are gay, but there's a lot of women. A lot of gay. It's a little mixed bag here. All right. You never know what you're gonna get with the snowball.

It's like the old saying. Like, snowball is there. Each one's different. It's the flake. Right. Yeah. Well, they could change it. Hey, folks.

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Whatever. All right. All right. So I get there. The snowball, snowflakes and jizz coming out of the sky. And so now I got to get an Uber and now it's like 705. The show's at eight and I'm texting Roger. He's like, you better haul ass because the snow is going to make the cars go slower.

So it's about a 35 minute drive. You're going to take at least an hour. So now I get this Uber guy and this guy, he's like an old black guy. And he calls me. He's like, 20 minutes away. That's the other thing, but not New York. Everything's 20 minutes away. Yeah.

New York is like, we'll be there in half a second. Yeah. So I get the guy and he calls me and he goes, hey, man, he's real laid back. I'm going to get there, you know, in about 20 minutes, then know what you need to do. And I was like, well, I got to go to Ann Arbor and put it in. He goes, ah, Ann Arbor. Ann Arbor. That's going to be a bitch.

I'm like, well, I hate to say it out there, Chachi, but I'm going to need you to pick up the pace and all that stuff. And he was like, ooh, you want to get another guy? And it was hard to get him. And I was like, well, why don't we just make this happen, baby? Let's make it work. I'll give you five stars. I'll tip, you know, the whole thing.

And he's like, I don't want to go to Ann Arbor. He just hangs up. Oh, my God. Damn, they have choices out there. Boy. So I get back on the Uber app. I find this guy. Yes, sir.

Yes, sir. Y-E-S-S-I-R, Indian fella. Yes, sir. Now this guy, the name was perfect because I showed him. He's out the car saluting. He goes, Mark. He goes, hello, Mark. Indian guy.

He goes, give me the bag. Give me the bag. I throw it in the back. And he goes, where to? All right, let's do it. And he just hauls at. He was like a soldier. Wow.

A carousel. Yes, exactly. So he just hauls at us. We got there in 40 minutes. The host is on stage. The feature goes up. Then I show up. Right as the feature goes on.

And Roger goes, I might put up another guest set. If you're not ready, I go, fuck the guest set. I'm going on. Because he already put one up. Right. And I go, I don't want two guest sets. So I made it. Great crowd.

Great club. Great town. Great set. I love it. I'm there April 5th, 6th, and 7th. Come on out. My birthday is the Friday. Come to the Friday.

Let's hit a bonus. Yes. A birthday bonus. They're all very excited about seeing you. Oh, well, I'm excited to see them. I know a lot of the boys over there. And I had a great, I did New Year's Eve there. So we were blessed.

I loved it. Yeah. Good egg. Roger's no joke. This club owner, he's like, he watches every set. And at the end of the weekend, because that was like my trial run. I see. And he was like, funny guy, quick on your feet, low maintenance.

I'll have you back. And he just walks away. Yeah. It's a tough club to get booked because he doesn't like dealing with agents. Yes. He's like, he'll call you in the cell phone. Right, right. And they'll be like, hey, give me a call if you want this week.

And if you don't call back, that's it. That's the end of it. Strange guy. It's about four foot one. He walks in with a mug of coffee and he goes, he goes, he's doing some new stuff. And I go, yeah. And he's like, all right, cool. If anybody gives you shit, I'll take care of him.

Like you're four or one. What are you going to do? He's like, I'm crazy, man. And I was like, all right. And then I found out Roger's not his real name. Really? He wouldn't tell me his real name. And he played hockey for a while.

No kidding. So he's got some, he's got a past. Well, Michigan, they all play hockey. Michigan, Minnesota, New York, and Massachusetts. And Canada. And Wisconsin, of course. Uh-huh. Canada, certainly.

All right. Now you go. All right. Well, anyway, so I go down and let me, let me look at some notes here. Yeah. Cause I want to, I want to get everything. Cause I, this gets a little emotional here. Oh.

I got all my Alan notes right now, speaking of emotional. Oh. You take notes for Alan? Right after I leave. I get to get all this stuff down. Good for you. Cause I forget it. That's a smart move.

The big quote of the day this time was, uh, where's the joy? I have things happening. I get big news. Oh. And I'm like, my mother's going to come down. Where's she going to stay? My dad's gay. My mother's drunk.

My sister's. Snowboarding. Yeah. You know, my wife's tips. And he's like, where's the joy? There's no joy. You don't have joy. You don't have joy.

You're right. He's like, you make everything into a problem immediately. You get good news. It's all a problem. He's so right. He's like, where's the joy? You know, I keep writing, where's the joy everywhere? That's an album title, by the way.

Yes. But you know, it's funny is when you were drinking heavily back in those days, you had a lot more joy, but it would, then you, but he also had a lot more sadness. Now you're more even anal. But the fact that I faked the joy. I was like, this is great. This is great for the meantime. I hate myself.

There's a lot of that. Yeah. Like, come on. What a beautiful day. You're like shaking me. I'm like, yeah, it's a nice day. You don't think it's a beautiful day? I'm like, I'm sorry.

Don't hurt me. Well, that's a problem. Oh yeah. Well, let me get, because my family is just funny and they're, they're a good unit and a lot of time in therapy, we're talking about, you know, you're anxious because of this and this because of this and nobody listened to you here. And this is this. And so there's a lot of time you're going, yeah, boy, my family's a little toxic, a little

crazy. But then sometimes you hang out and you're like, these people are the best. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, my uncle Dale's like the funniest guy. My uncle Dale, my uncle Brian are two of the funniest people I've ever met in my life. Nice. And I know comedians, baby.

Yes. But these guys are so funny. At one point I'm out in the back porch with this great old house that we rented, my uncle rented and I'm smoking cigars out there, but everyone hates the cigar smoke. So they're all inside and I'm outside and it's a beautiful breeze. It's all these crazy palm trees and Bobby Kelly gave me a bunch of cigars and thank you, Bob. And I'm smoking these, my father, the judge, which is a kind of cigar. All right.

Here come the judge. I'm smoking that thing. It's a beautiful day. At one point it started raining. It's like the sound of the rain or the jungle. And then I come in for him and take a piss. I'm uncle Dale. He's got both arms up in the air.

He just scored a touchdown. I go, uncle Dale, what did you win? He goes, eh, nothing. Oh. He's just having fun. I like it. It's a funny line, you know. Yeah.

Obviously he was doing something. Right. Something happened that he's celebrating. Yeah. What's going on? What happened? He goes, eh, nothing. I like it.

That's funny. Boy, you are my favorite joke. And me, myself, and Irene, when they're all dressed as Wizard of Oz. She goes, what's the hell? And he goes, eh, we're just messing around the house. It's such a classic. Great. But anyway, so there's funny things like that.

But then we get a tour. Thursday is family day at Parris Island. So the whole gang goes out there. And this is the first chance to see your Marine after 13 weeks. He's been there for 13 weeks. Heating and the drill instructor is yelling at him. And the whole thing. Yeah.

He goes through the crucible and all this crazy shit. They starved you. They kicked you in the balls. The whole thing. Yeah. And now he's done it. So we all go there. And my uncle Doug, he's paranoid about getting there on time.

He's a military guy. It's his kid. And he's like, they're going to be searching cars. And it's going to be traffic because all these people, it's a big day. So we got to get up at 0400 and get up and push up and get over there. Brutal. And this whole thing. A bunch of my family goes early to get there early.

They wanted to watch some spirit run. Spirit run. The Marines, they run by. They had to go watch that. I'm not watching something. How about a TV show? I had to assert. I'm like, I'm not going to watch a jog box.

I'm going to watch a jog by. No, no. I'll go watch Louis Varnish. Louis Varnish? Yeah. Come on. I don't even see a jog. No thank you.

So I'm in group two. We go over there. Now we're getting all these techs from the folks that are already there. You got to get over here quick. They're searching cars. The line is backing up. So we're like throwing on. I've got two socks on one foot.

The whole thing. My glasses. I'm running over there. We get there. No line. This is the security. They check my dad's drive. They check his ID.

I have my ID out. We just need the driver's ID, sir. Oh, okay. Who are these people? We're in two minutes. What is this? It's quicker than fucking airport security. Way quicker.

So now we're inside. It's 7 30 a.m. The March Inn. Meet your Marine thing happens at 9 a.m. Oh, I'm going down. I'm a dog. So now I'm on no sleep. And we're 90 minutes early.

And we're sitting in bleachers. Oh, you look like idiots. Well, everyone else is there too. They're all military families. They're all like a tent hut. Yeah. Yeah. Crew cuts and shit.

Yeah. So everyone's there. And like, I'm trying to go to bed. Like I'm sleeping, waiting. I'm like, this is great. And like 90 minutes for whatever is something. But when you're just sitting and just staring at the gymnasium. And then they have, and this is, you know, this is where I have mixed

feelings with the military. They have like the, what do you call it? Not brainwashing. What do you call it when you put up posters saying we're the greatest Propaganda. Propaganda. There's like these videos playing over on a loop of like how great the marine, I think that's how they get a lot of Marines.

They tell you to get there early. So you bring your kids and your brothers and cousins. Oh, wow. And they're all sitting there for an hour and a half watching going, I'm going to be a part of this. Wow. But now you got a grandma Bobby just signed up for the Marines now.

These are old ladies. She could pass the crucible. She's in. I guess so. We need our fighting machines. Yeah. So then finally they come out and they, they march in the battalions.

Platoon? Battalion. Battalion. Yes. Yes. That's a fruit. Plantain, I was thinking of. Ah, not, not a great banana.

Part of the banana family. No, I don't even care for the banana family. No, it's not a good family. It's bad unit. So they march in now. They all look to say you can't see who your cousin. But they come in and they're doing the fun. And you start fucking getting into it.

This is cool. This is exciting. Look at all these fucking animals. Whoa. That plus the video. I'm in baby. Yeah. You're a marine.

I'm up there doing planks like up on the bleachers. Uh, burpees. They come in and everyone's trying to spot my cousin Dave. And it's all very exciting. And then they, they give you a thing about these drill instructors are from Chicago and this guy's from Illinois and boobly boop and bibbity bing. Yeah.

And it's getting exciting. And now it's getting close to time. And they want to, you don't want to be dismissed because now it's our first chance to go see our marine. It's exciting. Yes. He's a killing machine. It's exciting.

No. All right. And enjoy family days starting now until zero 300. They got to be back because the next day is the graduation, but they can't leave this day. They get, they call it over. They call it when you get the break. It's called.

Uh, uh, uh, oh God. Uh, Sagittarius. No, wait. Uh, the Sabbath. No. Oh, no. You get, uh, cool time. Relax time.

Uh-huh. I gotta find. Hold on. I gotta find. I gotta photo of the program. Cool. It's called release date. Fuck.

I'm going to find. Reserves. I got to find it because it's annoying me and people are yelling and I know we have military people listening. Recess. It's called regular time. Enjoy your time. Enjoy yourself.

Fleet week. Liberty. Liberty. They call it Liberty. I didn't see that coming. He's out on Liberty. You have Liberty till three o'clock, which means that you can go anywhere, but you can't leave.

I know like, we remind you guys during Liberty, they're not allowed to drive or drink or tobacco. Then they have to warn you. They have all these warnings. They're like, folks, your Marine has not stayed up past 8 p.m. in 13 weeks. They haven't drank and they haven't driven a car. Because what happens, I think, for a while, these people would get out and then, fuck,

have a couple of cocktails, get behind the wheel, or they'd go to a movie and at like 9.30, they're just like, let me go to bed at 8 p.m. Looks bad to see our Marines are fight machines. They're snoozing at a Pixar flick. Exactly. So they're giving us all these warnings. You're like, geez.

So anyways, then the bleach is unpacked, it ends, and now everyone floods out into the common area, and you're going to go find your Marines. Oh, it's fun. And it's exciting. And I cut down just by the way it worked. I kind of got through it. I was like, the first one there.

And I walked up and I go, hey, Marine, and we hugged. I started sobbing. Whoa. I lost it. That's like a crime. It was like a commercial. It was like a commercial.

And like I said, it's like you never, so many people, think of all the things you say you're going to do. Everyone says they're going to do something. The percentage of people that actually do things. I got three guitars at my house. I got a skateboard. Yeah. You go to that dandelion.

What do you call that thing? The little mini dandelion. Mandolin. I don't play a mandolin. Yeah. I was there when you bought it. It was nine years ago. I never read my own come.

I'm all talk. Tonight's the night. Give me some. Yeah. I got some of the jar. Give me some. Hey. Wow.

Hey, Marine. That's very sexy. Did he pick you up by, you know, by the threshold and carry it through? I gave him the moment. I blacked out. I hugged him and then I had to let go. My mother comes over.

She's crying. And then my uncle Doug comes down. It's his kid. He's not getting stunned. And he's all cleaned up. Wow. And you know, he hugs. He's crying.

Everyone's crying. We're all gay. We all kiss. God bless America. And it was quite a moment, you know. How close are you to this cat? Are we the blood brothers? Are we cousins?

Are we incest? Everyone's not that close, but like we're, we're, we see each other. My family's always together. Mm-hmm. So I mean, I've spent a lot, like most people think, I'm not a cousin.

I see him once a year or once every five. So we're together. Thanksgiving, holidays, all the holidays. Yeah. I was there when he was born, you know. Oh, how old is he? He's 25.

Oh, all right. Wow. Six, maybe. He was born in 10. Christmas, 92. December 6th, 1992. Or maybe 93. Wow.

But he's older than all the other guys. He's like the older Marine. Got it. Because they're all, most of them, that's what's weird about these Marines, they graduate and they're fresh out of high school. Oh, weird. So they're these fighting machines,

but they look like little pimples. I can beat them up. Right, yeah. New pubes, virgins, the whole thing. It's weird because they're half my age. It looks like I could knock their heads together. Right. It's very bizarre.

And they're like, yeah, they're protecting the country. Yeah. So I'll speed it up here. Oh, this is emotional. So anyway, so then him and his dad hug, and I'm just a teary fucking fruitcake over here. Oh, yeah.

I'm trying to hide it because everyone's emotional. And then we chat with him and it's liberty. So he hasn't seen or talked to anybody. And so now he's like, he's also like add attention and shit. He hasn't quite graduated. And so it's a whole weird thing, but I just was like, wow, he did it. You fucking did it.

I'm so proud of him. And I got to tell you, I had a friend go into the Marines and he was like a wily drunk, like Vandal kind of kid. And I went and met him after the Marines. He was standing up straight, like disciplined, add attention. He was totally different.

It works. Yeah. They teach you the valor and the courage and the whatever the fuck. And so it's exciting. And you have pride and it's cool. It's beautiful. I mean, I love the guy. And it ain't easy.

We do that. Then we leave and we went all over South Carolina. He had to stay there until the next day, which is graduation. So we said, so long, you son of a bitch, have fun. And then we go out and we went hiking. It was really just beautiful. I had all this great barbecue. We went to Smokin' Oaks barbecue in Buford.

And we went there, got ribs and mac and cheese. A ton of mac and cheese, a ton of ribs. We were eating the fucking pig right off the bone. America. South Carolina. We're just a great place, great country. And now the next morning is graduation day. So once again, we got to get up early in the morning.

And the day before it was warm, now it's like, it looks like 60 degrees. It's not bad, but it's actually windy. It's like 8 a.m. So it's actually freezing. Remember when we wore t-shirts? It was really cold. Yeah. But you go on the parade route.

And that was really cool because now they're the dress blues. And it's the first time wearing those uniforms. They march out and they do the whole thing. All of the national anthem. And that's exciting. All the bullshit. Yeah. All the stuff.

It's exciting. And now once again, they graduate and they have all these people. They're like, ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to address the Marines for a second. Good morning, Marine. Good morning, sir. Like a thousand guys. And you're like, you gotta get goosebumps. It's exciting.

Oh, the testosterone. They talk about what they went through and who they are and the history of the Marine. And you're like, you're getting it. It works. I love it. I'm brainwashed, baby. Yeah. Although let's go fucking fight a war, you fuck.

Ah, ISIS. We're coming for you. Yeah. Yeah. You saved me there. We almost did a double F. Double F, yeah. Double F.

Here. Yeah. Michael Bryant had to laugh hard, too, because we were at the family then. We said goodbye to Dave. We had to go walk back to our car. But there was a lot of walks. He was like, let's jog. He's like, I'm into it.

He was in the Navy. He's like, I haven't felt this good in a while. He's like, what were they yelling? Let's go. Here we go running. Here we go. We thought that was like, let's go. All right, right.

And maybe a laugh. He went to like Little League Baseball. Oh, nice. Yeah. Here we go running. I wasn't obsessed with the military, but I loved like GI Joe and Camo and all that shit. And I thought I wanted to do it. You see Stripes and you see all these fun war movies.

They all get drunk and they go to a fucking bar and get hammered. They poison the boss, you know. They get the Jeep and they go out there and mutt wrestling. But it's not that fun. No, I think it's really hard. And then you're, that's the thing with the Marines, too. You forget. He graduates.

We're hugging. Everyone's drinking. It's exciting. We're toasting. But he's got 10 days liberty. And then he goes right back to North Carolina for more training. Like PT is part, now the difference is now people are training you instead of like beating you. I see.

Now they're like, this is not how you do it. You got to do it like this. Right. Before they were like, you fucking maggot piece of shit. Fucking homo. Fuck my dick. Yeah, yeah. So now it's like.

Well, you got to do heroin. I grow gay on liberty. I mean, you got to live it up. I think liberty, they go a little ape shit sometimes. You can't blame. So, but now you're under contract for four years or seven years. Like if the Marine Corps was just the 13 weeks, I might go do it. Wow.

Three months. He lost 10 pounds. He looks like amazing. Chicks are into it. You get a uniform. Right. Right. But then you're like, no, no, you got to sign up and fight and shit.

And you're like, oh, you lost me. It's a double whammy. Yeah. Sorry. Training and the fighting and the war. Come on. Can I just trade? But very grateful for these people that do this because if they weren't, we might have

to all go. I know. I know the draft. So I appreciate it. Everybody recognizes some real pieces of garbage in there too. We'll say though, the military, I think it's good because a lot of these kids would just go to drugs. These are talentless folk, a lot of them.

Of course. So like, yeah, just go in there and straighten you out. Of course. And it's a beautiful thing. It's very mixed. I was just talking to Allen, but the military is similar to family. You have mixed emotions. It's complicated.

There's mixed emotions. Right. Right. It's like, oh, should we be making people a killing machine? But thank God they're there. Thank God. Yeah. Yeah.

So it's a lot of mixed emotions, but you're really, when you're there, like everything, when you're up close and personal with somebody and talking to them, you're like, boy, this was really something good for you, you know? Wow. Yeah. It's there for a lot of people that are poor or get their girlfriends pregnant or they're gay and they don't know how to say it. So it's a great place.

And they are protecting us and fighting and they're brave and... Hurrah! All that shit. As they say. I think it's hurrah. Is it hurrah? It's hurrah. Oh, I think I went to high school with her.

And Semper Fi. Yeah, that's the other one. Yeah. They're always faithful. Oh. And that's cool too. Once a Marine, always Marine, went to the Parris Island Museum, but anyway, so graduation day, we get there, it's freezing, and that's really exciting because now they march out

and they're dressed blues and they're playing the bugle and the star is Megalbanna. And once again, when it ends, I didn't know this. It's pretty cool. They're out in the parade deck. Uh-huh. It's a huge thing. You've seen it in a full metal jacket. We're all in the bleachers and I didn't know this, but when it ends, they go, ladies and

gentlemen, you're 2018 Marine, whatever the fuck they say, and everyone just floods out on there to go find their Marine. It's exciting. I got a great photo of everyone just rushing out and I ran out once again because I was kind of quick. His father and my mother and stuff, they were kind of in like, they had better seats. So we had quicker access. So I got out there and I was like, Campbell!

And he's like, hey! I'm like, ah! We hugged again. Once again, I got emotional. Wow. I'm trying to wave down his dad. I'm like, he's over here. And his dad, my uncle Doug, he's in the Air Force for 35 years.

He wore his dress blues. He's decorated. Whoa. So his kid has the one little ribbon, whatever the fuck. Yeah, best in show. Yeah. And then my uncle's got like the fucking tit full of shit. Oh yeah.

And he's got his hat on and his mustache and he poses with his red attention. And you're like, anything father, son, really feel the dreams, big fish, gay porn, it all just touches me. We never had that. So you see it and you're like, look at that! Yes. You love a father, son moment. Yes.

And just a beautiful thing. And we all went back to the house and sucked each other's dick, spucked in the ass and just a beautiful weekend. So congrats to the Marines and everyone that served. We thank you and we appreciate it. Yes. Yellow footprints, all that shit. And right in.

Because I always have questions with Marines. How was it? Did they rail you? What did they do? Did you kill yourself? What happened? Talk to us. What was it?

Was it drill sergeant? Was he mean? Was the food shitty? I heard they put shit in the food that makes you not horny. Yeah, drill instructor. Give us the juice. Yeah. I learned a lot about the crucible.

They give you two meals for six days and whatever. Yeah. You got the ropes. You got to climb the ropes. Right. You got porn in the bunks. There's a guy snore. You got to put a gun together.

Talk to me. A hundred people dropped out in the first week. Whoa. A hundred. They're like, fuck this. How about that? It's something. Interesting.

I want to talk to them. Thank you, boys. And let us know what we can do. Yes. Yes. We support you. Yeah. Brainwash.

So all right. Now we're going exactly the other way. All right. We're good. Saturday Night Show. We sold out a show on Saturday Night Early Show. So I'm all excited. We had some hot shows.

Friday was great. Late show, Early Show. Thursday was great. Here comes Saturday Late Show. Sold out. Places packed. The crowd's humming. Opener.

Brett Hayden kills. And this guy, Chris Daniels. He kills. Funny feature. Chris Daniels from New York. Black guy. Black guy. Dreadlocks.

From New York. Yeah. I didn't even know. I didn't know he was from New York. He's a good guy. Very funny. The show or the item? The show.

Ah. Yeah. Never heard of Earth. It was an item. I'll take it. So I go up. I'm hitting hard. But now Chris had one part in his set where he had to yell at a lady.

Uh-oh. And he's very low energy and kind of quiet. You go to him. I see. And he kept being like, hey ma'am, could you stop? I don't know what's going on. But could you stop? And I was like, oh geez.

That's probably nothing. And then he came off. He's like, I fucking hate that chick. God damn it. So then I go up. I'm like coasting. But I could hear her yapping. And I'm like half hour in.

And I just, you know, it's just that nap buzzing in your ear. You want to, you know, you're losing it. Not with a G. Yes. That King Cole. And that Gio. So she was like, you know, yapping, yapping. And I'm like, God damn it.

So eventually I just go, hey ma'am, could you, I'm trying to be like cordial and nice and just get through it. I don't want to like have a thing here. So I'm like, hey ma'am, I'm sorry. You're really, it's annoying. And she goes, whoa. I go, nah, I'm not trying to, you know, make you feel weird or anything. And she just give up like wavering her hands like, whoa.

And I was like, what is wrong with you? And I just saw a red. I lost it. And I was like, shut the fuck up. You're a cunt. And the place goes, ah. Oh cunt. I came out the gate with cunt.

I was furious. You like Harry Truman. Yes. Truman. Big mom. Oh, I see. Yeah. Give him hell, Harry.

So I was like, hey, like just take it. You shut up. Like the whole crowd hates you. And she's like, like taunting me like a monkey at a zoo. And I'm like, look at the world. How can you be this stupid? You're so inconsiderate. You came out to a show.

I flew here for this. Like, let me do my job. You dirty twat. I'm like going off on her. And eventually the crowd starts yelling, kick her out. Kick her out, which was great. And I'm like, yeah. And she looked at them.

She was like, whoa. I was like, what the fuck? So the funny thing is, this is why this is an interesting look into women and sociology and all that shit. So I go, hey, you chubby whore, shut the fuck up. And right when you hit the weight, she was like, whoa, whoa. And she like lost it. And I was like, I called you cunt eight times.

I called you a twat, a piece of shit, a human. I was like, I hope you die. I hope you get colon cancer and hope your kids die. And I said all these horrible things. But chubby. But chubby. That hit home. And she was like, oh, no, oh, no.

And then by that time, I was like, well, the show was over. It was that long. Jesus. It was probably like 10 minutes. But it was like, I was like, all right. And she just sat there. And you could hear her talking to her friends like, this motherfucker.

I was surprised they wouldn't kick her out. Well, I asked Roger, because he's like, I'll kick anybody out. I don't care. And he was in the back, like filling out paperwork. He didn't know any of this was going on. Because the other shows were so good. He was like, I can leave. So then I had like five minutes left.

So I just like did a few more jokes. I was like, all right, fuck it. Left. And like, I got all these tweets like, fuck her. I want to take a picture. I want to do a meet and greet. But I couldn't go out there because I was so angry. Yeah.

I know the feeling. No. It drove me fucking nuts. And you know, she's off somewhere going, that guy was so mean. And he doesn't know how to handle being a comedian. I'm like, I can handle it. I don't want to handle it. I want to do my act.

No handle. You got love handles. Yes. I flew off the handle. 16 handles. Yes. 16. Candles.

So that happened. Next show is great. It was one of those shows where like after that I was like loosey goosey. I was all over the place. And then went to bed, woke up the next day, had a flight at 11 a.m. Now how about this? All right. I get the free breakfast and I got plenty of time.

I open like eight in the morning. The cows are home. The roosters are roosting. Eating the breakfast. I get a nice Uber. Now this I've never seen before and tell me what you would have done in this city. What you would have done in this situation. Okay.

So I get an Uber. It's a guy named Dan. He's like this chunky white guy. Pulls up in a minivan. He's got 48, 4.8 stars. This is going to be a cake walk. It's $40 of the airport. No problem.

He pulls up. I get in. He looks exactly like Dan Ackroyd in Tommy boy. Okay. Slicked hair and he's from Chicago. It was crazy. He sounded just like him. So he's like, hi Mark.

How you doing? That Chicago accent. I'm from the American part. So the American man. Cause that's who I am. And that's who I am. Black Jack Burger. Yes.

Exactly. That was it. Where's this guy going to land? On the fairway? Right. Nailed it. So we start driving and he goes, look man. He's like kind of being nice.

Like, hey, how you doing? Where you going? I'm New York. And he goes, look, I'm going to level with you. We're like two minutes into the ride. I'm going to level with you, man. This Uber, they're raping me. These Ubers are raping me up the ass.

I'm making no money on this shit. You know, these rides to the airport, they kill me, man. I'm like, huh, what? I got a headphone in. I got a hand in my asshole. I got a cheeseburger in my mouth. Like, what are you talking about? What?

And he's like, let me throw this at you. The gas alone getting to this airport is going to be at least $44 and all this. Then I got to get back. And I'm like, what? I'm so confused. And then he goes, would you mind if I dropped you off, I left it running and I just drove around and made like an extra eight bucks. And I was like, what?

Are you kidding? Like, pardon me. Felt bad for this guy. Are you really this far off your rope where you need eight bucks and all this shit? Yes, they track where he is. Of course. But I was like, well, isn't this like Uber and use problem? I mean, that's like going to buy a pack of gum.

The guy's like, can I get an extra $8? So that'll be $8.85 so I can drive home. I'm like, this has nothing to do with me. That's why I chose Uber is because that's how it works. Yes, it's not my problem. I'm trying to save money too. And the guy's like, but look, man, Uber just fucks you over the coals and jizzes in your asshole and ruins your potato salad.

Why don't you just quit then? Quit the Uber. You want me to help you with your shitty job? I don't get it. And I go, look, I'll give you the eight bucks. You can do it. But this sucks. This is weird.

This is not business. This is not how you do business. And he was like, look, I shouldn't have asked. Now I feel bad. And then the whole time he just bitches about Uber. And I'm like, you know, I could just ruin your rating because all you're doing is complaining to me. I'm not like your therapist.

And you can report him. And I can report you. I can report you to Uber. I can file for even asking you this, man. I just got to tell you, and I'm making no money. I'm like, well, then you're in the wrong business. And you're risking getting fired. I know.

So I just told him, like, take the eight bucks. But dude, you're killing me and you're ruining my ride. And I want to, like, I hate you. And he was like, all right, I shouldn't have bad. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. Then we get there finally. And he goes, oh, look at that.

Actually paid. It actually turned out all right. I'm going to make some money on this. And I go, Jesus Christ. So that was a 45-minute ride of just venting. Yeah. It was brutal. A few times.

It's very off-putting. I prefer to give a nice, juicy tip to a guy who's just pleasant. Of course. Yes. You'll make the money. Do you shut the fuck up? My guy goes, yeah, yeah. I'm driving a few years.

And I do this. And I like it. And my sister's gay. And my dad's a cousin. And all that stuff. Right. That I can get behind. I love a cousin dad.

But this guy was just like, can I get that eight bucks? I mean, I'm like, this has nothing to do with me. Don't pick me up, then. Yeah. That sticks. I think you did the right thing. Oh, thank you. Stand by you.

I had, yes, sir, best urban driver on the planet. Then I had fat Dan. And I want to kill this guy. We talked about it before. You want the Muslim guys? Of course. Because the white guys always want to chat. Yes.

It's like a fat white guy. Like, I wrestled gators in the 80s. Right. And you're like, I don't give a fuck, man. Yeah. I was a pro wrestler in 1991. I broke by FEMA. And now I hate my wife.

I'm like, ah, who gives a shit? Yeah. And I remember the whole time I was like, this guy's got a wife. And he kept talking about his wife. I'm like, gosh, she must be miserable. If you're complaining to me, I just met you. I can't matter what you do with her. Sticks.

Sticks out loud. All right. Well, where are you going to be there, Fanny? Yeah, we got to wrap this thing up. A lot of ads. Sorry about all the ads, but go support our sponsors, everybody. We got that right. Hope you enjoyed them.

And hope you don't mind. We're trying to make some dough, folks. And hit that Patreon. And shirts. Yeah, we got new shirts. Have you seen these shirts? Go to merchpump.com slash Tuesdays. The story is just Tuesdays.

They list all the pods they have. And we're down at the bottom because we're a T. So go to merchpump. Purchmump. And check out the new shirts. They're in a Diego, something, something. This guy's a fucking artist. Yeah, he's a real artist.

He's got our miles and burritos. It looks crazy. It's the coolest shirt in the block. Beautiful shirt. And they look cool. I got one for each of us. So that'll be coming in the mail. And I can't wait to throw that puppy on.

And there's mugs, smug castanzas. So go do that. And I'm going to be at Ann Arbor. So if you were there and you saw the con, tell her not to come. I'm there eight months to six and seven. Come to six. It's my birthday.

Let's sell it out. We'll hit a bonus. Chipotle can't hurt. And I think Michigan's practicing. Somebody sent me that. Thanks for the heads up. I'll go check that out. There you go.

And then Moon Tower will both be there. Live pod. March 18th. Check out my Twitter. We're back at Canter's apartment show. It's back in as good as ever. Sanzari. Ari won't be there.

He's on the road. He's running around. Come by. We're going to have some killer comics. Kill lineup. Tickets do sell out. They actually do. I'm not just saying that.

So go to the link. It's on my Twitter right now. PS109 March 18th. And March 20th is the Netflix standup. Season two of The Standups. Tell everybody you know. And hit the page. There's a lot of bonus shit over there.

Oh yeah. Queeps are coming in hot. And bonus ips. I'm at Charlotte Comedy Zone this weekend. Conan. A week from today. So tell a friend. Give me a retweet below my sister.

Spokane. Tacoma after that. West Coast. Talk to me. Laffing is called Atlanta. Bloomington. Comedy attic. Funny bone.

Columbus. Great club. Great town. Bananas in Hasbroke Heights, New Jersey. Say hello. And Baltimore. Magoobies. Acme in May.

And a lot of fun stuff cooking. Denver in May. Also comedy works. So hit the Patreon. Yell at your polly. Keep tweeting at them. And hit the Facebook. Get a t-shirt.

Blow my ant. And I'll call you next week. Bart. Brayzella.