Tuesdays with Stories! - #236 Big Pink Pillows

Episode Date: March 13, 2018

Mark & Joe are back this week wondering if they say cum too much before getting into some lesser known gay terms, an update from Mark on his childhood nanny Enis and answering your live Twitter questions! Check it out! We now have WEEKLY bonus eps with Mark & Joe talking about whatever! Get on it! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download Go on iTunes and give the pod a #5StarLunch review!1

This is a stand-up New York Labs production, providing you podcasts since 2013. Hey Tuesdays. Happy Tuesday. This upcoming Sunday, the 18th. Come check out the show, PS109. Jason Cantor and I, it's one of our favorite shows. It's our little baby. It's been a fun show every time.

We're doing it again this Sunday, PS109, Upper East Side. It's a killer show. Tickets are $10 or $15. I think they're $15. Sorry, I said $10. It's cheap beer. It's a killer show. It's in an apartment.

We talked about it before in the podcast. We had a bunch of great people before. We'll have a bunch of great people this time. I'm walking in the rain. Come out. PS109, Upper East Side, 99th between 2nd and 3rd this Sunday night. Come on out. It's going to be fun.

It's going to be killer. I'm gay. I love you. I'm a fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with...

Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up. And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List.

Yeah. It's Tuesdays with stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. What do you think of this? That's a few seconds we got out of the way. Sure. What do you think of this?

I think by far the percussion is a family, I suppose. All right, the drums, the bongo, the other guy. I think it's just drums and bongos. Tambourine? Could there's a hitting happening? I think that might be in the fam. And then a triangle. That's percussion.

Yeah. I think it's tapping. Yes, yes, yes. Chimes. Chimes. Glock and spiel. Chimes. Chimes.

Chimes. Chimes. Chimes. Chimes. Chimes. Chimes. Chimes. Glock and spiel.

Anything you can put in the drum kit, I think, falls under the umbrella of percussion. Okay. Then there's the horn, not the horseshoe, the cowbell. Yes, more. I never got into the more cowbell. I didn't think it was that great. Oh, God, these losers with the cowbell. You go to every office.

Cowbell, okay. And also this one. You can do it. Shut up. You're not funny. Yeah. A few of these sketches, I'm like, how did that catch on? The cowbell.

I guess he's wearing tight jeans and his hair is funny. Yeah. Will Ferrell looks hilarious. He's got the gut coming out of the weird sweater and the hair. But yeah, like, that's it. And really just caught the zeitgeist business. Yeah. Well, and, but other things, Houston, we have a problem.

Why did that catch on? That just hit a nerve, you know? Well, that was the big line in the movie. I mean, that's like a definitive moment. It's a zoom in and it's this thing that sets everything in motion. And that's a classic movie. And it's a great movie. And I love hanks.

And I love Howard. And I love Clint Howard. And Ed Harris and my mother. So, yeah, yeah, she's good. So I think that one's like, you know, and it's also like symbolizes, hey, we got a problem. So that makes a little more sense. I'm just saying there's a lot of comedy. Yeah.

And that particular sketch I thought was fine. It's fine. It was fun. I mean, Will Ferrell was dancing with a bell that was really funny looking, but it was more cowbell. And everybody's got their walking impression too, which is another thing. Yeah. The family got these losers at the frat house with the red cup doing family guy impressions. Right up it.

Christopher Walken, Joe Wong, you know, comedian Joe Wong. So funny. I think we've talked about this before possibly, but don't do that. Well, we're not arguing about it. I'm just I'm just express acknowledging. I'd like to acknowledge your acknowledge the issues when people they go back and forth. Did we talk about this? I think we talked about this.

We might have talked about this. And by they, I mean us. Got it. Eric was a listener of podcasts. He gives me notes and he said, I hate when podcasts do this, but I happen to know we've done that many times. So he's definitely talking about us politely. Yeah.

I mean, like some podcasts, another annoying one is when people go on serious radio or like Joe Rogan, they go, can we curse the guy smoking a pound of weed? He's hammered. He's got 18 tattoos. His act is about jizzing and cucumbers. Yeah. You could say shit. Yes.

You know, there's nerve wrackers. You never want to be that guy. That's a guest. I guess. But there's editing. I don't know. It's serious radio. It's Howard Stern.

They were throwing baloney on a stripper's asshole. There's a cough button. I ain't a cough. Andy cough button man. Matt cough man. Uh huh. I like Matt cough. He's funny.

He's funny guy. Yeah. Big tall Jew. Um, burly. Very burly. I think he's a bear. Is he gay? He's not gay, but I think he would be a bear.

I think I'm a twink. But you can force anybody to be gay. You're not a twink. I'm an otter. I'm an otter. Yes. I'm an otter. You ought to be twink.

You ought to be proud. Yeah. Shelby's a twink for sure. Yeah. You're a giraffe. Is that right? Is that a thing? I thought you said that once.

Maybe. I posted a photo with a selfie of a giraffe. Oh, that was funny. I thought that was okay. That was bad. But I don't think giraffe's a gay term. Shelby, can we look that up? Is giraffe a gay term?

I'm not saying it is. I'm just saying that's what you would be. Oh. They should call it a gay-raff if it is. I'm a giraffe. Giz-raff. Yeah. That sounds derogatory.

Giz-raff. Yeah. Like a riff-raff. But gay. Giz. How about these guys who drink out of a carafe? What is a carafe? It's a glass.

It's a long glass. It's a glass with the long whoo-hoo. It swims in the middle and then it goes out at the end with a big gay mouth. A glass swims. Yeah. It goes whoop. It's bad radio. It's like ramps.

A couple of ramps. Yeah. It's like, you know when you do the hot lady? Hourglass. Hourglass with your hands. It's like that with the bottle. So it's an hourglass figure bottle. Similar, yes.

Okay. With an open top. I don't think I've ever seen anyone drink out of a carafe. Oh. You could order a carafe. You don't drink out of it. You don't drink out. No.

Only an alcoholic drinks out of a carafe. But a lot of sake, wine. By the way, Shelby is googling. He's got a list longer than Schindler's list over there. Look at all these terms. Are those all gay terms? Wow. The gays are busy.

Look at that. It's very specific. It's like the credits after Spartacus. Which was gay. Long. Long and gay. Traffs. Carafe.

Now wait. What do you got? Anything we might not have heard of? There's got to be. Look at that. I only know two terms. I know otter, bear, and faggot. Look at all that.

That's like a thousand things over there. An interesting one is a cox-struction worker. That's like a gay man who's a construction worker. Oh, that's no gay man. Oh, we could do those all day. Yeah, we did that with gay raff already. A debt jizz. Right.

A jobby jabber. That's mainly Scottish with jobby referring to excrement. So, I mean, you do the math. He's got poo on his back, maybe? All right. That one seems weird. Some of these sound like they were written by my nephew. Bean Queen is a gay guy attracted to Hispanic men.

Oh, Bean Queen. That's funny. That's a little racial. It's not my cup of tea. That's a little... I think chicks who are in a coffee could be a Bean Queen. Yes. Or Bean Hunt.

Yes. She's mean about it. An upstairs gardener, it refers to the logistics of anal intercourse. Really? Yeah. An upstairs gardener. Wow. We have one black gay guy that tweets at us.

We got to get him on the show. I want to know more about this business. There's a whole underground world with the homos. Yeah, I suppose so. So, right to it, he tweets at us almost every week. He hated, call me by your name. He did. And he liked three billboards.

So, I don't know what this guy is. He's all over the place. You know what they call, though? The gay guys who come in, my lady friend, she's friends with a lot of gays. As women tend to be. They used to call them fag hags, but I don't think you're allowed to do that anymore. I think now they're fruit flies. Oh, that's fun.

I think so. But that'll be offensive at some point as well, I imagine. Of course. Well, some of the word, you know, the. But they call, like super loud, like annoying, coked up, like, hello! They call those bad gays. Like, that was those bad gays. Bad gays?

Bad gays. Very simple. Yeah. Oh, interesting. Yeah, bad gays. Kind of like white trash, but bad gays. Okay. Oh, interesting.

We got to get some gays on. Maybe we should get, like, a whole boatload of gays in here. Some real hot sailors. Yeah, get a big fleet week going. Yeah, that might be fun. And then, you know, they could kiss us and we could learn a little tour. Sure. A little tour thing.

I got so nervous, I couldn't even say. I'm excited. Lick my back. What's that? I like when someone licks your back. You ever had that? Who's behind you? Right up the spine, baby.

Sends chills down the wiener. A girl? Yes, sore guy. What's she doing behind you? I feel like this might be a, you might have revealed that you like a peg. Well, her name was peg, but I don't know. She'll be behind. I run away a lot.

I do hee-hee. She chases me. Lick your back. This sounds strange. Something, something just happened here. I don't like it. Oh, yeah. Lick it up.

I've heard of a guy fucking a lady in the vagina from behind and licks her back. Uh-huh. But even that's hard because you got to kind of bend, you got to arch the spine. Well, you know, you got to lay, you're laying on the bed. The lady's a little frisky. You're still kind of snoozy and she gets on top and does a little quick wet stripe. Oh, that's not bad. Okay.

Maybe I'll try that. Yeah. Her back licks. She's got to be going over a lot of pimples and such. Oh, yeah. It's rough terrain. I like to pop a pimple on her back. Do you do that?

Oh, nothing better. Yeah. But I don't like a pimple pop on my back. Oh, I'll take that too. I don't want my wife looking at my back. I feel like it's a turn off, but to me, I'm not turned off. Oh, you're not. See, I'm more turned off by her having the zits.

Yeah, you think it would be, but I just like the popping supersedes the sexuality. Interesting. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. I'll let my gal pop my back and she's like in you for it. She's like, oh, like when that jizz shoots out, it's a big moment. See, this is what I struggle with. I got nothing that gets up.

I don't, I got nothing. I'll put on a suit. I'm wearing makeup. I do a set. I'm on TV. I make money. I buy dinner. I do push-ups.

Yeah. I don't have any big. Oh my God. He did that and I just lost it. I don't know if it's too long or I got the bad teeth. I don't know what's shaking here. You got your ladies a tough crowd. Yeah.

I mean, she's a great wife and she loves me very much and we have sex frequently. You can't get a big umph. But I don't, I don't feel any like, ooh, baby. That keeps you on your toes. Soak it wet. Yeah. I'm trying over here doing 300 curls and push-ups and I'm learning French. I'm playing the mandolin.

I got nothing. Yes, yes. I'm buying chocolates. I don't know what to do. Yeah. We got to sit down and figure this out. We got to sit down with her and put like some clips and some wires on her and then show her a bunch of videos and whatever makes her maybe a tweak, you go, all right, we got

something here. I'll do it. I'll grow a mustache. I'll wear leather. I don't know what to do, but I'm happy to do it. Well, all the things you're naming will make you gayer. Yeah. Well, I'll eat my own cum too.

I mean. I can do it. Hey, when I started talking about nine minutes ago, the percussion family. Yeah. It's percussion. I think the percussion family is the easiest. The only way you can really watch and learn how to do by just watching like the guitar. Yes.

You got notes and fingers and it goes very fast. But drums. I think I have an idea. I think you watch and go, boom. Yeah. Yeah. The bongos I love. Andy Kaufman hit those and it's just got that good.

Yeah. You can do that in the back of an acoustic guitar too. Yes. I think the beginning of sympathy for the devil is played in the back of an acoustic guitar. Oh, that's fine. It's mistaken. Well, McGaykin. But so you're saying you want to get into a little percussion action.

Duff McGaykin. I would like to, but I mean, he was a bass player, but Stephen Adler. I would like to, but it's hard in New York because you got an apartment. It's a small apartment. There's neighbors. But if ever I have my house in the Berkshires, which I long for, I would like to have a big drum kit. I can play a little bit.

Put it down in your basement, man cave thing, which I hate that term. Yeah. It's embarrassing. You could go to guitar scent and get those weird octagon things that have like the white tops that you've hit the plastic thing. Yeah. Rubbery thing. Yeah.

Bobby has him. I love him. He's got headphones for him too. And so you can put them on the headphones and you type in dry and it sounds like fucking Oh, that's cool. It's pretty amazing. But it just sounds like yeah. It's kind of soft.

So it's pretty sweet, but also it takes up just as much space and they're like four grand for the whole kit and the stereo system. But I do, I do long for that as well. By the way, folks, I want to just pull back the shades and kiss your lips here. We know this. If you listened last week, Mark is out to do Conan tonight. Oh, that's right. Watch Conan tonight, folks.

Yes, comment, retweet, tell a friend, go gay. Help me out, gay raps. Yes, every Tuesday, go leave a great comment. Give a comment. Please. Because you want it to be overwhelming good comments because that way when these trolls go to write something, they're like, boy, I guess I'm retarded. Yes.

I must be an idiot because everyone else loves it. You're a bean cunt. If you write something mean. Yeah. So go in there and write this guy is sexy. He's hilarious. He's amazing. And then plug the podcast.

Plug the pod. We need you. The Tuesdays unite. Yes. Hey, go check out this guy's podcast. It's really something else. And big news. Are you ready for this news?

Oh, is this news news? Nine days from today, possibly 10. I'll be on the tonight show with Jimmy Fallon. Look at this. Tuesdays are taking over the show biz. Welcome back Tuesday late nights. Not to mention the Netflix. Netflix is out a week from today.

Wow. Keep eyes out. Go and give thumbs up. Don't just give a comment. Give the thumbs up. Yeah. Because that ratio, you want a good ratio. Oh, yeah.

Nothing worse than a thousand thumb downers. Yeah. You want a five digit thumbs up and a double digit thumbs down. Because you're going to get a couple of bad angels out there. Of course. So anyway, so check out Conan tonight. Yes. And record it.

Five DVR, all that shit. And Conan the tweet, the text, the whole thing. Yes. So wait a minute. I want to hear about Fallon, baby. This is big, Fatty. What's the news? Well, I haven't done it yet, but I got the call from the manager agent.

I was down in South Carolina with, it was graduation day. I was talking to Smoke about last week. You knew last night. I known since Friday. Wow. You really kept it in? Well, I'm going to keep it in longer. Because I don't like the pre-knowing thing.

Uh-huh. It's too much. And then you get bombed, or you eat it, or you kill yourself. Right. A lot can go wrong. Yeah. Anticipation is a devilish dick. It's a lot.

And I talked to my therapist about this. Our therapist about this. Alan. He had a great point. This is my new mantra. You want to hear my new mantra? Ooh. I got a lot to say here, folks.

Is it different than, uh, fuck your mother? Different than that. Different than eat your own cum. Different than, uh, bean jizz. Yep. Here's the new mantra. Where's the joy? Ah.

Where's the joy? I love this mantra. You told me yesterday. I'm a fan. I got a tenet show. That's exciting. He goes, is it? You don't seem very excited.

I was like, wow, you know, I don't know if my parents are coming down. Where are they going to stay? They have no jobs. Are they going to lose their jobs? Should they come down? Where's the joy? I'm going to invite Sarah. Who comes?

Which friend comes? Is my manager an agent? Are they coming? It's a talent. You can find a way to suck the beauty out of it. And I'm like, what if I bought? What if I have a panic attack and this whole thing and the Netflix and what people hate me?

And he's like, where's the joy? Where's the joy? All the joy. There should be joy. No joy. Mounds. Mighty Casey has struck out. There's no joy in Asheville.

Is Mudville, is that a gay term? I feel like that might be a gay term. Mudville is something. That's a great gay bar. You know? A laugh from Shelby. Hey. That was very valuable.

Yeah. Well, it was more of a, but I'll take it. Well, it's tough to breathe with that situation over there. Yeah. Those lips. A lot of swelling. Insulation. Yep.

He's no longer laughing. Oh, good. There we go. Equipped. Perfect. But anyway, so where's the joy? And I'm trying to do that. I'm walking to the park today and I'm going, what about my tooth?

What if I'm gay? But where's the joy? It's a beautiful day out there. I'm glad because that's a perfect three word. Where's the joy? Boop. Because I've tried to bring it out of you before and it's, boy, you're a vault of anxiety and a vault of, I don't want to say negativity because you're a fun guy.

But I remember when you said the Netflix, you're like, ah, you can't enjoy it. I remember thinking like, you can. This is huge. And I keep trying to shake it out of you and you go, ah, blow me. Well, it's tough. I mean, there's so many things, but you know, people in my family do the same thing. They go, we're having a party. We got to buy eggs.

We got to buy fruit. We got to buy condoms. You know, it's a lot of just immediately going to the... Things have changed. Negativity. Yeah. It's hard. I'm trying to find the joy, but a lot can go wrong.

Is that Irish, as you think? Is that an Irish thing? That's part of it, maybe. I'm not sure. Does the Jews do it as well? Yes, of course. Very, very neb-ish. Very, what's that word?

Neurotic. Neurotic. Yeah. All right, well, hey. Neurotic. I want you to express some joy right now. I'm excited, baby. Fallon sucked my dick.

Yes. Tonight show, Jack Parr, Steve Allen, Johnny Carson, Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Jay Leno again, Jimmy Fallon. Yeah. Woo. I think that was joy. That sounded joyous. So, I'm excited.

We'll see, you know, and you never know. But it'll be on either Thursday or Friday, the 22nd or the 23rd. I'm hoping for the 23rd. I like that. Shoot it, and then it comes out the next day. That's a nice feel. Oh, you don't like day of? Well, you get an extra day to kind of relax.

You go, it's tomorrow. Blown a little more. What's nice about the late night, you get three days. You get the, I'm going to be on it tomorrow. Yes. Yes. Then you get it. That was great.

Then you get the YouTube situation. Right. There was a lot of excitement. Yeah, yeah. Good times. I'm going to wear the wedding slash last Conan suit, because here's the thing, I spent 1500 bucks on the thing. Get some use out of that nuts.

I just can't spend all my, I got to make the money this time. Yes. The last couple of times I didn't make any money because I went and bought a suit. So this time I'm going, I'm going to find, I'm going to hometown gig. You got that right. And so I'm going to, I'm going to make the money. I'm going to make that grand or whatever it is. 30 rock, baby.

They pick you up. It's a great green room situation. You get all these gifts. You get swag. That's exciting. It's a good time. That's joyous. But, you know, so anyway, so I was in South Carolina for graduation day when I got the

phone call and I got the call on Thursday. My manager and agent called to go, we got to discuss promotion for Netflix, but I was in the van with my aunt and my uncle and my other aunt, my grandmother, my dad, my uncle, my mother. And so I couldn't really tell. I was like, I can't tell. I'm sorry. I got nine people in the car here.

My uncle was like, roll down the window. I just found it. And I'm like, let me call you tomorrow. Right. Right. And I got the news, which is very exciting, but it was graduation day. So I didn't want to walk back into the house and go, I just got Jimmy Fallon because you don't want to take away the thunder from the Marine.

Yes. And then enough time pass that I hadn't told anyone like two full day. I hadn't told one person. Wow. Because, you know, you bottled. I bottled. Uh-huh. You jarred.

I jarred and I bottled jar head. My cousin. Yes. That's right. So it's exciting. And check that out. But it was a, it's always great to get that because I never moment of you're like, all right.

Needed that. Needed that. That's exciting. Needed. Got it. Everything's cool. The set, you like it. You happy with it?

Feel good about the set. It's weird because it's a couple of bits and they're all edited a little bit. It's not the full bit. So it's always hard when you do that because sometimes you go into autopilot. Yes. Where you're doing tags and you're like, oh, shit, this isn't in the set. I love that. And then sometimes you're doing lines that you're like, oh, this ends up with I come

on a girl's face in this bit. I got to remember not to. Cut that off. Yeah. So. But can I just. Stop saying come. Sorry.

Can I just say that back, uh, Fallon, it's the, I don't want to get your head because you'll find a way to shit all over this, but it is the easiest I've done. I've done Colbert Conan and Fallon. It was the easiest one. I mean, you're behind the curtain in a suit at 30 rock and you hear Conan going, I mean, Fallon going, guys, his mom's watching. We handpicked this dude. She's great.

He's so funny. You're going to love him. Yeah. Really show him a lot of love. And you're going, oh my God. And then he's saying all that. Then the curtain opens. Right.

And you go, holy hell. And then you're out there and you could tell the crowd, they're on their toes going, and then you go, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And they go, ah, so your first joke's going to kill. And then it's your butt cheeks relaxed and it's smooth anal from there on. No sweat. Nothing. You get off.

You're a hero. You're the king. Now it looks kind of small. It's a little smaller than Conan. The stage is set up because Conan is a big long, yeah, the roots are arms length away and Coney can feel his queefs from behind you. Fallen. Fallen.

Shit. I'm doing Conan. Conan got fired. Yeah. Well, he's got, you can feel found behind. You can smell the booze on his breath. The whole thing. And it's going to be great.

And the roots are right. And the roots laugh, which is cool too. That's exciting. So this is weird because your Conan is on tonight, but you haven't shot it yet as it were because we're recording a little wacky. That's the curtain I was going to pull back. Uh-huh. As we mentioned on last week's pod, you're going to Carolina, you're going to LA, you're

going to Seattle. You're out there. And so we had to record back to back days and we really emptied the old notebook yesterday. Oh yeah. The jar is empty. We've used all the gas, the tanks on E. So this is a special Tuesdays, folks. This is no story Tuesday here.

On E too. Yeah. We got nothing, but we're going to make it work. Look at this. We're 20 minutes in and we're all over the map. I got to stop saying come. It's a real go to here. There it is again.

I got a few things I want to go over. All right. Let's go over them. Shit. That's all right. No, no. But yeah. Fuckin' tonight, Joe.

I feel like we're in the pocket, baby. You got a Netflix coming out. You got a Fallon. I got a Conan Cookin'. I got some other stuff in the anal that I can't discuss yet. It's insane. It's exciting. And we're hoping the Tuesdays will spread everywhere, especially you OG Tuesdays.

You know what I mean? Don't leave us. Don't go, oh, all of a sudden it's big because sometimes you have that thing where you're into fucking the replacements and all of a sudden they're in the soundtrack that can't hardly wait. You're like, I liked them before. They're sold out. They're overproduced.

Yeah. We're not, just stay with us. We love you. We need you. And we're going to need you when they dice up all the N words and the F words if they put a compilation. Don't give them any ideas. Yeah, so please.

We're good people. We love you. And we're pro gay. We're really trying. Yeah, right? Pro gay. All I want is to eat con. Are you kidding me?

Ah, that's another one. Put it on the board. Whoops. Yeah. Well, we're going to have to bring some in one day just to satiate you. We already talked. We're trying to get the gay black fan in here. I'll find his name.

And then we had Matteo. We had a few gays in here. We had a few gays. Tim Dillon. Yeah, we had Tim Dillon. Tim Dillon. Sam Merrill. One guy got upset with the Tim Dillon.

And I gave him a what's what. Oh, yeah? Yeah. He's like, I don't want to eat your fans. Don't want to hear about sucking dicks. And I said, well, you don't want to. Yeah. You got a problem.

Yeah. And he's like, you're right. You got me. Whoa. That's rare they got you. That was a while ago. Wow. Maybe he's gay.

Probably. You got that right. Well, anyways, if you're gay and you're listening and you'd like to come in and show us your dick or whatever, come on in. Please. Send us an email. I want to poke it. Yeah.

Well, let Shelby blow you. Those lips. You can't lose. Shelby, you down to blow a guy? Why not? Whoa. That's a fucking paper official witness. Good of the pot.

I mean, you got to do it. Patreon. I'll give you $3. You can get your own Patreon subscription. Gateron. Yes. All right. You heard it here, folks.

If you'd like Shelby to wrap those lovable lips around your old cock and balls. Oh, you got some big pink pillows. And then that warm mouth with that tongue. Big pink pillow. That tongue doused in M&M shrapnel. Oh, boy. BPPs, folks. The big pink pillows.

The big pink pillows. Great band in the 40s. They were, you know, big band. They backed up Glenn Miller. Yes. They had to change it to Glenn Miller Orchestra because they thought big pink pillows might be too sexy. Yeah.

The GMO, which is now genetically modified organisms. Oh, really? Yes. They're not in Chipotle. That's for sure. Yeah. Chipotle. And don't forget to keep dropping us those Chipotle gift cards.

We really appreciate it. Oh, and I got to give a shout out to this guy who just sent me hot sauce. Hey, hot dog. Thanks for that. He sent me one for me. Bargatsi, soda. Not you, which is law. Me and I all I eat is hot sauce.

Do you? I didn't get the hot sauce from Gay Black, but. Yeah. Yeah. You know, it seems like eating cum would help you in some way. Me personally? No. You would keep you, you know, cooled out.

It would tide you over for a minute. I don't know. It just seems like we're eating broth. We're eating honey. All these things are kind of like, oh, they got magical elements that help you stay healthy. Well, broth and cum aren't similar. Wow. It seems like broth would be worse than cum.

I feel like cum should be up there on number one. I mean, health wise or taste wise. Health. Oh. I think cum can't be bad. It's full of children. Shelby, could you Google health benefits of swallowing your own cum? Yes.

That's another one. Or somebody's cum. Yeah, we're going to get some. Your own is no good because that's your own people. You need another person's gym. Well, I don't think it's actually people. Because you're a very anti-abortion if you think cum is people. Yeah, I'm killing kids on the reg.

Yeah. Daily by millions. All right. What do you got there? I know a few magazines have tried to write in articles about how cum is good for you. All that bullshit. It tastes like pineapple or whatever. Right.

Pineapple makes it taste like... That's the one. You know, cream pie. It says that semen is a natural anti-depressant. Thank you. No kidding. No wonder why I'm so sad. Look at that.

And there is one teaspoon of semen contains over 200 proteins and helpful vitamins. Wow. I knew it. We got a jar of this stuff. Yeah, jar. Now, see, mark my anal, mark norm in my words, but in 16 to 17 years there will be cum shops on the street corner. Cum shots.

Cum shot. Yes. Yes. Cum shot. Well, maybe we could sell it at the mangrove. My gay bar idea from Key West. Oh, what about mudslides? Or what was it?

Mudville. Mudville. There is joy in Mudville. Yeah. The pink pillows have arrived. There's joy after you slurp that semen, but then you get a guy in the back. Pumping it out. That's a gig.

Yeah, that's not bad. You got to give young men though, because these days I can only bust out four or five nuts a minute. I think next time I get hung over, I'm going right to the sperm bank and putting down a 50. Give me that Harvard app, baby. Yep. Well, I can help you too.

That's right. You're sober. You've probably got some solid sober non-alcoholic semen. You're in a duel. I have solid cum. It comes out just like a Lego. Oh, wow. It comes out like it would sting and choke children.

All right. What did you want to discuss, by the way? We've got to turn this up. We have some real truck driving men listening to this. They're going to be really off put by all this. The kids are not going to like it either. But so, I'm saying, you know, some people play this with their kids in the car. I think the kids are four.

So they go, wow. What's anal? Who cares? But then there's a lot of gist talk. I don't know about the kids in the car. We didn't discuss the kids in the car. You know, if the kids are young enough, saying Jew face Nazi doesn't register, you know what I mean?

So Jew face Nazi doesn't register? But cum guzzle and cum squash? Well, I think after you hear cum 48, eight times, then you start saying it around the playground. I see. You say, hey, what's cum all about? Yes. And then there's somebody at that playground.

He might be not clearly visible, but he'll show you what cum is. Yeah. He's been waiting for that question. He's hiding behind the slide there. Hey, this is a weird segue, but I don't want to get into what made me think of it, but I got, we got to give a shout out to the late great Barry Crimmins. Oh, you're right. We should have done the last pod.

Yeah. Well, we weren't thinking, but Barry Crimmins passed away. BC. Absolute legend. Go watch. Call me lucky. The Bobcat documentary and also go watch when stand up stood out. Yes.

Which is also a movie essentially about him. A friend saw a meeting about the Boston comedy scene in the 80s and Barry was the driving force. One of the best guys I've ever met. Yeah. The week before my wedding, you can listen to that episode bumped into him in Rochester at comedy on Carlson. Carlson.

Yeah. He came by and his wife at that time was very sick. She was dying of cancer, got better and then he died of cancer. It's fucking a tragic life, but he made the best of it and tremendous comedian. Go read about him. Go watch those two movies. Just the nicest, most thoughtful guy. I was glad I got to share the stage with him.

He was just hanging out because his flight was canceled and I said, you want to go on? He was nice enough to go on and had some really kind words. I hate to be the guy that somebody dies and then you talk about how much they loved you, but so I won't get into it, but he had some really kind words. I went and found the last messages to each other. Oh boy. He said, have a great wedding and have an even better marriage. I love you, brother.

Wow. It was really sweet and touching. It's lunch and he's like a Boston legend, so it's cool that you knew a legend. Yeah. True legend and great, great guy. Go watch Call Me Lucky and go watch when stand-up stood out and ... I know Call Me Lucky's on Netflix. I don't know about the other one.

Love the guy. Love the Joe. Had some great jokes. We will not negotiate with terrorists. Either they want the weapons or they don't. He had some great ... He had a great story, but he opened for Jackson Brown, who's like one of my favorite artists of all time, and he was open for Jackson Brown and all these people, and he's doing all this anti-government, anti-Ragin' shit, and some guy goes, if you

don't love America, why don't you leave? And people go, whoa. And he goes, because I don't want to be a victim of his foreign policy. And the crowd goes, and they go crazy, and Jackson Brown's like high-five and everything. Pretty amazing. Howard Zinn was there. I think I might have told the story before. Wow, Zinn.

And so he was buddies with Howard Zinn and Bobcat and all these people. It's a special guy, and so long, Krim. We love you. Yeah. But it's funny, because he died when I was in Ann Arbor, and all these young comics were like, he came here once, he was the sweetest guy, but they also said that he would keep it real with you. Oh.

You know, he'd say like, hey, look, funny stuff. If you ever need any help, if you ever have a problem, feel free to call. He'd give them his number, like these strange open bikers. And then one guy got off and was real hacking, he was like, you suck. Wow. So like, he kept it real, and he opened, or he worked with Metzger for a while, they toured together, so Metzger's all fucked up. Yeah, seems like a great guy.

Yeah, that was the undoing of Metzger, now he's wacky. Yeah, yeah, he was sane before. He was a straight shooter until Krimman's past, but just a guy who put so much energy and thought and love back into the comedy scene from the get-go, even in the early 80s. Yeah, so what I wanted to get to was, you got the Netflix promotion coming up, which I hate promoting. I love comedy, I love doing the road, I love jokes, I love being a douche, but promoting

is this weird side of the business no one tells you about, and I just did a pod called What He Said, and it was fun, and it was this girl, and she was cool, and we talked about banging and Jews and all this. You banged her? No, no, no, we talked about it. And she's like, okay, now if you don't mind, you gotta promote this, and she gave me this list of shit to do, and I don't know what, I want to just move to Mexico and turn my phone off.

Yeah, it's a lot, the promotion is, eesh. She's like, can you do it, I need you to Instagram Story, then swipe up so the link shows up, like I've never done a story in my life, I don't know what a link is, I hate Zelda, I hate you, I'm gonna kill myself. So it's just a bummer. Yeah, it's hard, there's a lot of, it's like any business I guess, well we're fortunate that comedy's like our favorite thing to do, but there's all this side shit that's going on there.

Yeah, side shit. But a lot of the promotion I'm doing for Netflix is, I think, gonna be fun. I'm doing, you know, Nicky's show, which you just did, how was that? It was fun, it was cool, laid back, Takar's a cutie, and Nicky keeps it flowing. Boy, Tom Takar, great comic, great guy. Yeah, good egg. Yeah, Nicky was very funny, she was really funny in the moam. Yes, she's a good hang.

Yeah. And so check out that show, You Up, is that the name of the show? You Up! You Up! Serious XM. Yeah, if you have Serious, get in there, listen to Gail Bennington's show, the Bennington show, I'm going on that show, that'll be on that March 20th of the day, next week from tonight.

Uh-huh. So that got some fun promo stuff, but I'm sure there's gonna be some bummer interview things. There's gonna be something about Louie and such. Some of that, there's gonna be some morning zoo bullshit, and it's gonna be like this wild whirlwind of a month, and then it'll all go away, and then it's fun, you get to be yourself again, then you'll, something else will come out, and you do it again. Yeah, it's exciting, so.

Which I guess is like being an actor, you know, you gotta go do Oprah, you gotta do Jay Leno, and all these other shows that aren't on the air. I think they said that's the hardest part, and I heard that Sarah said this last night, because my throat hurt yesterday, yesterday I did this anxiety documentary we're doing, someone's making, Wendy, and then I did an hour of that, then we went and did the pod for an hour and 20, then I went to therapy for 45 minutes, my throat was quite tingly and tingly. Ah, you need the jizz coat.

Yes, and Sarah gave me a fact that a lot of singers, they actually lose their voice not from singing, but from promoting the album and tour. Come on. That's what she said. Me. Wow, that's wild. Yeah, that's what she said. Uh-huh.

So, I don't know if that's true, but evidently, because all the talking and the flying and the talking is actually harder on your voice than being like, whoo-whoo-whoo. Right, right. Well, I opened for Reggie Watts, I don't know, in the 70s. This is years ago. He plucked me out of an open mic, which is very helpful, it's a green douche. And he goes, uh, you want some weed? And I was like, ah, I'm good, I'm good, and I look over, thinking he's going to be holding

a joint. He's doing a little droplet into his beer with like a little eye dropper. Liquid THC. Oh, heard about that. That's when I heard the voice. So, that was a shocker to me. THC, what's that stand for? Tri-homo-com.

Tri-homo-com. I think we had a record for the C-U-M. Yeah. When's it going to turn into come town? What's true Hollywood store? That's THS. Oh, the History Channel is what I'm thinking of, THC, the History Channel. What do you got there, Shelby?

Tetrahydrocabinol. That makes sense, a cannibin. If yours is better. Yeah. Alright. The homo-com. What was it, true homo-com? Tri-homo-com.

Yeah. Try it. It's pretty good. We'll do. I don't think it's that much different than straight-come, I imagine. That could have AIDS. We'll have to ask, gee. We'll cut that right out, my God.

Well, good. I mean, straight-come could have AIDS as well. Any cum can have AIDS. Well, wait, is AIDS cummy or is AIDS bloody? No, any kind of blood, I think it gets blood or cum. I think you get a hot load in your asshole. You can get AIDS. I thought it was all blood.

No, that's how it was spreading. They were all fucking. Well, I thought it was just anal fissures or what do you call it, amy fissure, the long out. No, no, what's that? Rice? No, the amy. Amy.

The anal fissure. Schumer. Well, you get the slight cuttings. Yeah, fissure. Is that a fissure? I'm not sure. I think it's a little gaseous, not gase, more, but. Gaseous clay, gaseous gay.

Yeah, I think you get a little lot of friction and eventually there's some tearing. Yes, a fissure. Yes. I know what you mean. Yeah, it's a tear in the blood in the business. I didn't know it was giz to blood. I thought it was blood blood. I think if you just get, I don't know.

I'm not sure. I mean, I grew up in the 80s, but by the time I was of sexual consent, you know, it was 06. Right, right. Yeah, and AIDS was gone. Well gone. They say AIDS is very livable. Now.

Now. HIV. I think AIDS is still a rough one. I think that's a tough sentence. I still don't know the B's and the bonnet on that. AIDS is full autoimmune deficiency ceremony. Disorder. Oh, yes.

It's an S. What's the S? Sacreligion? Siemens, Sarducci? Samsonite. I'm not sure what the S is all about. Maybe it's just AIDS. Like, it's plural. No, because it's deficiency syndrome.

Maybe it's sin. But the S, they make smaller. Have you noticed that? AIDS is capital. No, they don't make that. No, no, no. I think I've seen a small S. You've seen a big S.

Hey, Shelby, could you help us out again? Sorry, autoimmune deficiency syndrome? What is the S? Syndrome could be something systematic. I don't think it's a syndrome, though. I think it's a disease. Secular. Oh, he's got it.

Infection. What? Well, that's an I. Infection? Yeah, syndrome. It is syndrome. It is syndrome. Wow.

You know your AIDS. Wow. It's more common than I thought. Well, Magic Johnson, Ryan White, Rock Hudson. Charlie Sheen. Yeah, I don't buy that one. Oh, come on. He didn't buy it either.

He got it for free. So is it autoimmune deficiency syndrome? Correct. Wow. I feel good. HIV must be hyperventilating inside the gynus. That doesn't seem like a bad way to go. All right, we got to focus.

We got to ship up and fly right here. Pick it up, beer. Pick it up, folks. This is my favorite episode of all time. I'm having a blast. I think the people at home are having a blast, too. Call in if you're having fun and sorry about the calm. Hopefully my dad's not listening.

Oh, God. The phones are lighting up. Hit the Patreon. They're all coming from Whitman Mass. I just got a tweet from a fan. Should I read that? Maybe that could be something. Please.

I'm listening to an old Tuesdays with stories, number 89 Jet Goo. That's a good app. So you might know this by now, but for Delta, when you get your drink, ask for the full can, i.e., quote, can I get a Coke with a can? That's old news. And you'll get it every time. What is this guy? I got rabbit ears and a VCR.

That's old. Well, I got to tell you, Tiger the Bengal, at Tiger the Bengal, they've been doing that for some time. I think they give me the whole can when I'm on there. Yeah, yeah, come on. What is this? The depression? You get a can.

Maybe I'll throw out, ask us some questions, we'll answer in the next pod. We'll get something. Well, then you got to keep track. What do you mean? For the next pod app. This is the next pod. I write, hey, tweet at me right now. Oh, I see.

I think it meant for the next pod that we do. You fill some time. All right. Ask us some questions. Great. Yeah, all right. Well, yeah, they always give you the can. Get the can.

This is America. What are you, crazy? You know what you got to do is get on Virgin. Weird name for an airline, by the way. Just the idea of Virgin. Like, all right. Hymen Air. What else you got?

So on Virgin, they have basically like a snack bar that you can just get up and get stuff throughout the flight. It's a way better system. You can just get up. Go get a Coke. Go get a Coke Zero. Go get some Funyuns and sit back down and eat it. But here's the problem.

It's like that cock dick at Halloween, who when they leave the bowl out, he goes, oh, I'm just going to take all this shit. That guy is bad for America. Yeah. Well, Jet Goo does that too. Jet Goo. Blue. Oh.

On the long flights, they have the little same thing, the container with the fridge and the thing. Oh, they do. Yeah, yeah, they do. They blue. Oh, I like that. Yeah. Well, I blew you.

Yeah. They're the shaker. They're the ruin it for everybody. They ruin it. It's the same guy who pisses all over the toilet seat and just walks away in the airport and you go, he just goes, ah, fuck the other guy. Yes. That's the downfall.

Yeah. Well, there's a whole political party that thinks, fuck the other guy, but I'm not going to go down that road. Well, we need a little shame. Shame is good. I was just texting today with our old friend Chris Allen. Oh, really? Yeah.

He's bothering you now? Yeah, quite a bit. But he said he's lost about 30 pounds. What? Fat shaming works. Of course. Everyone would rock on him a fat fucking piece of shit and he said, look at this, he said he was 270 down, 20 pounds.

He said, Mark, getting on me about the shirt really hurt. Wow. Yeah. Welcome to our world, bully boy. He said fat shaming works and so you did it, buddy. All right. Well, you're welcome. You saved this fat fuck's life.

How come personal trainers, isn't Jim a fat shaming, having a gym? No. My gym is stay healthy. I go to the gym. I'm not fat. Wow. Burn the calories. Melt the fat away.

That's all the gym is. We got questions coming in. Oh, wow. That's pretty cool. Jake Weisman. He's big. Wait. I know Weis.

Yeah. He's on corporate. Yeah. This guy's huge. He DMed me last week. He's a fan. No kidding. Yes.

Watch corporate on Comedy Central, folks. It's a funny comic, Jake Weisman. Well, I will now. Thanks for the heads up there, Jake. His question is, what's the best age to die at? Oh, that's a great question. That's a great question. We also got another question from Tim Dillon, ironically, who we just talked about.

He said, when can I do the show again? Well, Tim Dillon is never and he should die tomorrow. So that's the best age for him. No, he's going to be on Netflix 15. Oh, that's right. Check that out. Just don't call it a special for God's sake. And don't call mine a special either.

Oh, you don't like that? No, it's not a special. It's a show. It's a TV show. I agree. I don't call it a special. No special. But what's the best age to die?

I got it right here. 72. That's young. That's young. That's below the average. That's when George Carlin died. That's below life expectancy. Well, I think if you know you're going to die at 72, it's more about knowing.

I think you'll step it up. These people treat life like it's a willy-nilly jizz ride. You got to get in there and handle some shit. Where's the joy? Where is it? It's actually Jennifer Lawrence movie. Well, this really depends on a lot. I heard it was bad.

This really depends on a lot of things, how healthy you are. There's 86-year-olds that you see. I'll watch the Oscar. There's some 86-year-old cut. She's got glass. She looks hot. Jane Fonda is bangable. Fonda's smoking.

Smokeshow with tits and the works. I mean, her neck looks better than my ball bag. Yeah. Well, that's a bad-looking ball bag. Yeah, you got to see it to believe it. I'm going to say 90 if you're good. 90? Sometimes you see these documentaries on the Centarians, the guys that are half horse,

half person, and they live to be 100. Wow, I haven't met one of those yet. Well, they live to be 100 and they're out there working the fields and shit in Japan. Can I ride them? Those Japs know what they're doing. You can ride them all the way home. All right. This guy says, please tell the shit in the shoe story.

I told it before. I'll tell it again. That's not a question, though. Thank you, Daniel. Then this person writes, tell Norman to stop flying with drugs. These aren't really questions. Ah, jeez. People, they're all just barking orders now.

Well, I want to get to Jake's quest because I'm appreciating the fact that he wrote in. That's what we're talking about. All right. Well, yeah, I think maybe you're right. I'm going to go 75. I'm upping it. Even 75? She's a little young, but maybe you're right because if you get certain age, all of a sudden

your ears hurt and you get what falls off. You see all these old guys, you know, they're like wheeling grandpa and he's like half dead and his skin's falling off his bones. He's like, who are you? You're like, grandpa, it's your cousin Nancy. And he's like, oh, you want to blow me? And she's like, that's too much. Cut it out.

Your cousin, Marvin Berry. Right. I think it all depends on health. The age is just a number. Healthy. You're right. I agree. A better answer would be feeling and memory and all that.

Yes. When to die. Because if I'm 58 and I have no memory, I want out. Yeah. If I'm walking around looking for my pants and asking who my mother is. Yeah. But if there's a guy on the subway with a boombox blaring fine young cannibals, kill yourself. You should die tomorrow.

Yes. So the best age to die, I'm going to say, I'm looking to get into the 80s, but I want to be a healthy 80. Healthy 80. Eat very poorly. Aidsy. And I think in the future, too, like we talked about, there'll be a pill that cures, you know, everything.

You ever tell the function? Shout out to my wife. But the questions are not exactly pouring in here. Yeah. You really got to filter. I feel like shellfish should be on this. Well, there's not. I've only gotten two questions.

One was, can I be back on the show again? What an opportunist homo he is. Wow. And HO. OH. Check out his comedy. He's hilarious and great comic. But he knows what he's doing.

Go back and check out his episode. Yeah. Fun app. You guys kind of went at it a little bit. When? During his app. On the pod? Yeah.

I remember he kept saying something and you're like, I'm plugging you right now. And he kept interrupting you. And you're like, I'm trying to plug you. I feel you remember. He's a tough nut to swallow. It's going for a gay thing there. Again with the cunt. I like it.

You know, Tim's very, he's boisterous. Yeah. He's a hilarious guy. He's a talent. He's got a gift of gab, I'd say. Gift of gab. One of the funniest guys out there. Good hang.

Check him out. Let me throw this story at you there, Chachi. All right. So I was doing Sean Patton as a podcast. I forget the name, but check him out. He's a great guy and a hell of a comic and the whole thing. But we had to do, it's like tell a story. And I pulled the story out of my asshole.

It was one of the things where I forgot to research and do like thinking about it. A prep. And I got there and I just pulled the story out of my ass. It just came right out of my asshole, right onto my plate. I forgot about this. I grew up in a pretty dicey neighborhood in New Orleans. And I used to go to this summer camp that was like a 10 minute bike ride or 30 minute bike ride away.

And so I would come home every day after summer camp and you're going through my neighborhood on a bike, which is already a risk. Yes. Because you know, you're vulnerable. Yes. So I'm riding through whatever. I'm riding good time. And these four, you know, hooligans, riff raff, jizz raff, gay raff, whatever.

Yeah. They start tailing me. On bikes also. Also on bikes, but one's on the handlebars. And they're kind of like, you know, taunting me like, whew, whew, what are you doing? You know, yelling stuff. Right. Three bikes, four guys.

Yeah. And I'm about a 10, 11, nine, something like that. I'm prepubed. 9-11. So they keep rubbing their front tire of my back tire. Oh, rubbing's racing. That was the old move. And so I kind of go, all right, fellas.

Ha, ha, ha. Quit your horse playing. Yada, yada. And they keep going, let me try your bike out. I know what that means. Yes. I'm no spring douche. Well, especially when there's three guys and four bikes and four, you get it.

Yeah. Foursome. So I go, I'm all right. No, thank you. I'm just trying to pedal home, trying to pedal home. And one of them just gets in front of me, just says the fish tail. The ch. Ah.

You know, the skid. So you're boxed. I'm boxed in, baby. And these are real street tufts, you know. You can't fall. These kids are probably 17, 16, puberty, no dad, the whole thing. That's a fun age. Yes.

So they go, ah, come on. What's it going to hurt? Let me try the bike. We'll give it right back. And I was like, ah, come on. What are you doing to me? I'm so close to home. Come on.

And they go, ah, let me try the bike. And one of them puts his hand on the handlebar. Oh, boy. So I kind of go, ah, jeez. Well, this is, I have no out. I'm fucked. Yeah. So, you know, then I get a beating and a bike gone.

Yeah. So I go, all right, try the bike out. So the guy gets off the handlebars, jumps on the bike and just yells, check you. I'll never forget. And then they ride off into the sunset. I don't think he actually wants to check you. I don't think he did. No.

Let bike guns be bike guns. Oh, that's a keeper. So I run home and I'm getting a little, you know, a little misty. I'm a young chap. Yeah. And I get home and my mom's like, what's going on? I'm like, ah, this kid stole my bike. She does all like, what the hell is going on in this guy?

She calls the police. Now she's calling the police and I'm walking through the living room. I get a glimpse in the mirror. I've got face paint on. Face paint. It was a summer camp. So we did like a face painting thing. I got a rainbow on one cheek and a sunflower on the other.

Jesus. I was a sitting duck. Oh my God. How embarrassing is that? Face paint. I would have stolen my asshole if I'd seen this kid. He could steal my shoes, my hair, everything. I thought it was black face paint at first.

I wish. I might have had a little cred. You might have fit in. Yes. Gee. I thought they were black. You told me off, Mike. Before.

Yes. Were they? Yeah. Well, I was a black neighborhood. Poor black neighborhood. And I was the one dumb white kid with the face paint. I got a fucking sunflower on my cheek. He should have killed me.

I never got into face paint. Never understood it. I did it. I was a camp counselor when I was young and I had to do it a few times. I'm not even an artist. These kids just let me draw dicks on their face. I know. I swastikas on the forehead, whatever it is.

I never got it. I never got into face paint. It's stupid. It doesn't make any sense. But it's just dumb kid shit. But a ball game is one thing. I got, ah, we're going, ah, ah. But like a kid with just umbrellas on his head.

I don't really get it. I don't get it either. But I don't know. Boy, that's the tragedy. It was brutal. So this is when it gets dicey. So the cops go, oh, should we answer questions? No, no.

I thought that was the end of the story. There's a ton of questions came in. I want to get the rest of the story. I'll knock this out in two minutes. All right. Take your time. So at the time I had a transgender nanny. Oh boy.

TGN. Name Enis. Not a joke. Enis, no penis. It might have been a transvest. What's the difference? I don't know. One wears a vest and one's.

One wears a tights. I guess. Transvestite. Yeah. Transvestite. A tight vest. Yes. So I tell you, he's this big black.

It looks like Ving Reims. He's got a wig on and high heels and he's just mops and shit. So I tell Enis, I go, ah, these fucking hoodlums. They stole my bike. I'm so pissed. I hate myself. Very emasculating. And he goes, fuck that.

Let's go get them. And I go, ah, what can you do? These are kids. They're lost. They're weird. And he goes, get in the van. Slides the van door. Open.

I jump in. We just start patrolling the neighborhood. Doing laps and every block hitting it up. Enis, number one. I mean, this guy's a bad. Also, I talked to a cop like 20 months before I told Enis. And he had to do like the whole like pull up the notebook. All right, you loser.

What else you got? You can tell like this is, he's just writing a screwball. You know, he's drawing a ball with a screwdriver on the paper. Like this kid's an idiot. I hope you get molested. And you're painted. I'm painted and tainted. So we're now we're driving around the neighborhood.

And I'm like ducked low under the window. I don't want anybody to see me. I've already gotten shamed. I don't want to see these. I don't want these kids to see me again and like just run up to the car and punch me. So I'm all nervous. And we pull up and he goes, we see these kids on a stoop, like taking a part of bike, you know, doing a strip in it for parts.

Yes. So I go, he goes, is that your bike? Oh, that's my bike. That's my bike. And I had this like moment of panic. Ah, fuck it. Let's just go home. What are we crazy?

What are we doing? And he goes, shut up, gets out of the car, walks up to these kids. This is like six kids. They're all just dicking around on the sidewalk. And he walks up and they all go, ah, look at this fucking faggot out. They're going crazy. They're jumping up and down. They're going bananas.

Because these guys, he's got a wig on, you know. Who told you to put the wig on? I didn't tell you to put the wig on. So they're fucking flipping out. I go, what the fuck is this? And he goes, literally, just look at this faggot, like, you know, to his face. And he goes, is that your bike? And then they go, what of it or whatever.

And he goes, that ain't your bike. And they go, what are you going to do about it? And he goes, I'm going to take it. And they go, I don't think you are. And he just takes the bike, yanks it. The other guy yanks it back. Enus yanks again. He lets go, stands there, as if to say, like, anything else?

Throws the bike over his shoulder, walks back to the van, slides the door open, throws the bike in, slides the door closed, we go home. Wow. Enus flytrap. Yes. What a hero. You got that right. I mean, you should find Enus and blow his elderly lady dick.

Well, that's the clinker there. Uh-oh. They got up to him and got him? No, no. Turn out I asked my mom about this about a year ago and I said, whatever happened to big old fat gay Tranny Enus? And she said, he got killed by a guy. Oh my God.

Because he was hooking up with a guy and the guy didn't know he had a dong. So he killed him. Jesus. It's so funny because Enus is Heath Ledger's character in fucking Brokeback Mountain. What? Jack was the one that was, you know, beaten to death. But they weren't trans. They were gay.

Yeah, okay, yeah. But I'm saying that movie ends with a guy with Jack getting beaten to death. Yeah, that's right. But Enus, Jack and Enus. Jack and Enus. Jesus. Great time. Genius.

Aha. Sorry. Great cougar melon camp song. Jack and Enus. Little dicky. Each other. Yeah, so this guy beat the shit out of him or killed him. See.

That's how jarring a dick is. He can get killed over it. My God. Poor Enus. Man, I still think to this day those kids probably have a tranny porn fetish. Hmm. That could be. That hit your rods and cones.

He got a little skewed after that. Like this guy came in, he cucked you. Yeah. And you know, he walked away with his fat ass and his high heels. Well, one time my bike got stolen and the guy who eats his own cum took it back. We got the origin, folks. The origin. So hit me with these, these questions.

I think this might be our best episode ever if you ask me. To anyone that's made it through. Yeah. Well, the police have been called. This is really paying off. All right. What's more annoying? This is a guy that made me chocolate chip cookies.

I forget his name. That sounds weird. Mr. Cynical 30s. Oh, I know that guy. Yeah. Madison. I got a tweet so much. He made me a chocolate chip cookies.

I had him and his wife and I couldn't be more appreciative. So thanks for shouting us out. What's more annoying? Someone who's being a pain in the ass and doesn't care or somebody completely oblivious to how obnoxious they are. I got to say the person being the pain in the ass doesn't care. First one. Because they're making a decision to be a fucking asshole.

Completely. They're evil. Yeah. That was like that coups I had at the Ann Arbor Club who kept, I kept going, you're really a bad person. She was going, woo! She knew it and she kept going. That's why I hated her.

She sticks and that's our answer. We're sticking to it. This one from Lou. Big Lou. L.U. Little Lou, I think. Looks like an Asian lady. Looks like an Asian lady.

Lou. She says never break up. Okay. Question mark. That's the question. I don't know what that means. Break up with what? I think us.

You and I. Oh! Never break up. We're going to make a team here. We're not breaking up. I hope not. What are you going to get found and never call again? No breaking.

You're putting this on me. This is Lou. Wow. You're the one with all the showbiz cooking. Lou's nervous. What are you talking about? You're leaving for three weeks. We can't even do an episode because you're out in Hollywood.

Wow. That's Nashville. I'll be in Nashville, folks. All right. All right. This one, Lorena Reina. Lorena Reina. It looks very hot, by the way.

That's either here or there. She writes, do you think quitting drinking led to your success? That's for you. That's interesting. I still haven't quit. So maybe it will. I think yes. I think it's a huge help.

It's the best thing I've ever done in my life and nobody ever quits drinking and regrets it. It's really helpful. Thank you, Lorena Reina. My wife just walked in. Hey, Sarah. Hey, Sarah. I think it was helpful, but I don't think you still would have made it.

We're out of story, so we're taking questions. This is Scott Sweeney. Hey, Sween Dog. Sweeno. Something like a real Boston guy. Yes, Sween. Scotty Sween. What's the best birthday?

Are you hoping for a club date? March 29th. Are you getting gigs now? Mark Grossman's texting me. That's not a tweet. What's the best birthday party you guys ever had growing up? Oh, geez. Well, I got a sad one.

How about that? I guess. Well, it's got to be quick. We're running out of time here. I'll just say this. My brother was a big nerd growing up as a kid. He was like a chunky nerd kid. And my mom threw him this big party.

She felt so bad. He was depressed. She threw a big party at the mall. It was like a cookie cake and a clown. The whole thing. Nobody showed up. It was the saddest thing. At the mall?

Nobody came to the mall. It was empty. There was a bomb threat. They could grab my pastor's body. Old men were running out of there on canes. The FYE, they couldn't grab a cashier. Nothing. Nah, he was busy working.

He had a lunch break in an hour. All right. That was sad. I had a Puppa Geno's birthday at Whitman Mass. I got to throw the pie in the air. That was the whole thing. I don't really remember it too well. Birthdays are always sad to me.

I'm with you. Not a big birthday guy. A lot of pressure. His old Elijah Wheeler. Wheeler? He says, what if you did an episode with your parents, which Benji recommended to us too. Yeah.

I've talked to my dad 11 times in 35 years. I can't do a pod with them. I might as well just say, my dad's here. You guys wouldn't even know. Yeah, that's a good point. He's here. He's juggling. My dad, if he came on, he wouldn't know what to do

and he would probably shut down as well. He would go, oh, I don't want to bother anybody with my stuff. Not to mention 60 seconds in when I said I wanted to eat my own gum for the third time. Good point. I think my dad would disown me. Yeah, when I said gooke for the night time, I think my dad would go, I killed a few of those.

Nam. All right. So that's, I guess that's a question. Some of these are scarcely questions. Scarcely is not the right word. Here's Brian the Brain, 2250. Oh, we got to wrap it up here. Do you do most of your writing on stage

or do you sit down and write all the jokes out and keep a notebook? I do both. I got a notebook I write in during the day. Then I go on stage. I fiddle around. I record it and that's it. Same, same.

I write, it's probably 90, 88% written and then on stage you do some riffing and then if it's funny, hold on to it. Boy, Mr. Cynical is all over this. I told you that guy's a nut. He keeps tweeting. He's baking cookies and writing away. I got one from Mark.

When you start tweeting like crazy one night after the other, are those ideas you have written down already or are they going straight from the old noggin to Twitter? Either way, they keep me going through the work day. That's very sweet. Thank you. Who's it? Mark?

That's the chocolate chip cookie guy. Oh, chocolate chip cookie guy. Mr. Cynical. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get back to baking and get off Twitter, but I do, I just think of them and I tweet them. There you go, folks. All right, we're going to wrap it up.

Here's one more from Elijah Wheeler. Again, we've got three people asking us multiple questions. Steelers, wheelers. Has anyone from your past spelled P-A-S-S-E-D? Oh, that's no good. That's incorrect, Elijah. He didn't pass third grade. Has anyone from your past reached out to you,

like someone you mentioned from high school? I don't know. I suppose so maybe. I've had a lot of that, like grammar school people. I see on Facebook, I see on the TV box. It's very exciting. Because no one really from New Orleans does anything. Yeah, occasionally.

I get a little of that. And it's nice. And then I never know what to do and I feel guilty, so I just send him a cake. Right. Well, there was a period where you were single and throwing out some stories there. So some of those people might have reached out and said, hey.

Yeah, those were angry reach-outs. Yeah. It was a reach-around. Reach-out. All right, we're going to wrap it up. Watch Conan tonight. What's that? Keep going.

Watch Conan tonight. Mark is on Conan. Two night folks. DVR it. Watch it. Go on YouTube. Leave a nice comment for God's sakes. If everybody listening in the air goes and leaves a nice comment,

you guys give me the best page ever. And give it a like, a thumbs up. And share it. Share it on all fronts. I'll be on Fallon next week. Either Thursday or Friday, I'll keep you posted. And Netflix one week from today. April 5th, 6th, and 7th, Ann Arbor.

I'm just plugging the same dates. I've plugged a million times. Moon Tower, come out to that. Hit the Patreon. May 7th live episode at the Village Underground. Yeah, May 7th? I thought it was shit. I plugged that wrong on Bobby's Pod.

May 5th, I said, but it's 7th. Wasn't Liz there? Yeah, she said 5th too. Maybe it's 5th. No, you're right. I think you're right. I thought it was the 7th. Anyways, comedienjellist.com.

And keep tweeting and queep, queepin. Yeah, queep it up. So I'm at Comedy Works in May, Acme in Minneapolis. Moon Tower with this guy. Comedy Attic in Bloomington. All kinds of fun stuff. Zany's in October. I'm coming back to Winnipeg.

I'm all over the road. I'm doing Gotham Comedy Club, doing Levity Live in New York. Gotta give a shout out to Joshua Boggs for sending me all this fucking hot sauce. I think it's called the Sauce Whisperer on Instagram, Twitter, Joshua Boggs 4. It's really good stuff. Check him out. Blow me. Hit the Patreon.

Lot of good stuff. Lot of queeps. Lot of bonus stuff. Buy a shirt. We got new shirts. New shirts. They're really cool looking. They're lunch.

They're hot. These are hot shirts. We got some coming in the mail. We're gonna be wearing those around town and really getting some wolf whistles. Hot daddy, diggity dog. Thanks for listening. Sorry for all the come and suck your dad's dick and fuck your mother in the ass. Goodbye.

Praise Allah. Thanks for listening. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye.