Tuesdays with Stories! - #237 Over and Out

Episode Date: March 20, 2018

It's another hot Tuesdays as Joe gets into dealing with a jerk at the Big East Tournament with Stavros Halkias and his nightmare trip in the NYC snowstorm while Mark takes in a Hornets game in Charlotte and travels to L.A. to perform on Conan! Check it out! We now have WEEKLY bonus eps with Mark & Joe talking about whatever! Get on it! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download Go on iTunes and give the pod a #5StarLunch review!1

This is a Stand Up New York Labs production providing you podcasts since 2013. Hey folks, special Tuesdays with stories here and you're going to hate us and don't get too upset but we had to do it over the phone so the phone cuts out a few times so right in the middle of some things you're going to hear a couple of empty spots we're doing the best we can. Mark anything to add? Yeah, yeah we're starting, we're trying to make it work, I'm in LA, he's in the Big Apple, we're both gay and you know, gays are getting married so keep it, just try to have

some sympathy on us, we're trying to do this for you folks. I hate myself. We love you. Praise all of us. Over. Over. Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do.

Great. Good to be here. Tuesdays with stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up and she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List.

Yeah, this is Tuesdays with stories everybody. Yeah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. Holy hell, here we are, doing a phone her, Tuesdays, Joe's in New York, I'm in Los Angeles, had an Airbnb and I'm hungover and I'm gay. Well we're making it work. Yes, sorry, I had to be out of town and we don't want to miss a week for you, almost, so we got to get it cooking.

Yeah, so we're doing it over the phone, so apologies in advance, we understand the sound may not be great, you don't have to tweet us for fuck's sakes, we're sorry about the sound two weeks ago, I know how to use a microphone, the things are off. People keep saying, hey, you got to use the mic, I've been doing podcasts for 10 years, comedy for 27 years, I've been gay for 31, so don't tell me how to use a mic, you fucks, we had a problem. Don't get angry, and also I should apologize, because with these phoneers, I have no idea when you're going to tell us, there's no cues, I don't know who's going to jump in

or what, so it could get a little dicey. No social cues, so it's almost like, what do you call it, walkie talkies, you got to say over, and I'll say over. Oh, I like that, over. I'll say ovary. Ah, ovary easy. Ah, enough about my mother. Oh yeah, you think those are dead eggs, right, she's been a puzzle.

Fuck, what'd you say? Over, over, yes, over. Oh boy, this stinks, we've done this once before, we did it when you were in Australia. Right, now we've done it a few weeks ago, yeah, we've done a few of these check-ins, the phone check-in, it's very tricky, but you've got a lot, I've got a lot, you tell me what's going on, and I'll tell you what's going on. You want to start? Sure, I mean, I can go all the way back, I mean, I was in a Charlotte, I can go back

to Charlotte if you need to be, but I also got Conan stuff, yeah, I don't want to hear about that Conan, that's for sure, maybe we should save the Conan for the end, it's hot. All right, I'll save, all right, save the Conan for the end, I'll give you a quick ditty, a quick doobie. Please, Jack and Diane. Because I feel like you're out there and you know, you've got a lot going on out there, I just got a quick little business here, I got a couple of epics myself actually to be honest with you, but let me just throw this out there, I went to the Big East Tournament

with old Stavros Halkia, our old pal Stav, how much do you love Stav, over. Love Stav, big fan of the Stav, funny guy, come town, fat, cute, the whole thing, over. Oh, fat, cute, over. We got to the Big East Tournament together, I go every year, it's lost, it's luster, as you know, there's a great 30 to 30 requiem for the Big East, you know, Syracuse left and my father's gay, the whole thing, but it's still a lot of fun, but now the Big East, Mark, it has nothing to do with the East, Creighton is in there, they're from Nebraska, Marquette from Milwaukee, it's not, it's not, it's over-y.

That's Midwest, where I come from, over and out, not out, just gay. Don't, don't leave, I never put that together, so over and out means you're out, that's the end, over. Yeah, I guess so, not a bad way to come out of the closet. Oh, I got the giggles over here, all right, well anyways, I go to the Big East Tournament, I got to tell you about these Creighton losers, we had a couple of Creighton nerds, do you ever, do you ever meet a Creighton nerd? I don't know what a Creighton nerd is, I know a Creighton barrel.

Well, Creighton nerd, it's a nerd that goes to the University of Creighton, or Creighton University, whatever the fuck the school's called. Aha, didn't he write Jurassic Park? Yeah, I think that was him, Michael Creighton. Yes, Creighton, he's good. He's not bad, Michael Creighton, wait, I was trying to do a Michael Clayton pun, then I realized I just said his name again, over. Well, Michael Creighton is what the Asians call Michael Creighton.

Oh boy, over. I don't know if anyone else is enjoying it, but this is the hardest I've laughed since Golden Girl Season 3. Anyways, a Creighton nerd is, so we go to the corner, we're sitting there, we're having a good time. I had a Syracuse dick. Now, you must have met a Syracuse dick before. I don't know, there was any other kind of Syracuse, they're all dick.

Now, there's some good ones, Steve Rogers, I think might be from there, sort of. Ah, yeah, good ol' Rogers, he's a good, he's a Syracuse pussy. Yeah, he's a bit of a pussy. We love you, Steve. Over, so we're sitting there, I mean, under, I'm just beginning, whatever the beginning is. Oh yeah, that's gambling, over and under, under, over. I think they start.

We'll figure it out. Anyways, we're at the Madison Square Garden, Stavros and I meet up, we go to the game, and first we're enjoying ourselves, we're sitting there, and then there's this guy, a solo guy, older guy, in his 50's, wearing a Syracuse cap, and he's just sitting there eating popcorn, no drink. I don't trust a guy that eats popcorn with no beverage, over. Interesting, interesting, yeah, because it's all salt and butter, it's gonna dry you out and you gotta have a Coke or a water, something.

Or a beer, at least, I mean, it's psychotic to me to just eat popcorn, no beverage. That's the kind of guy I'm dealing with. He's a Syracuse fan, and that team is not even in the fucking league anymore, and he's got popcorn, no beverage, I don't trust him, and he keeps looking over, he's in one row ahead of us, to the left, he keeps looking over his shoulder and giving us the old stink eye. Really? What, what are you making?

Something? Over. I don't, I don't know what we're doing, I kept asking Stavros, I'm like, are we swearing too much? What's going on? So then I started doing, he would reach over, look over and give us the eye, and I would give him the eye back. Yeah, eye back.

Stavros is very sweet, I gotta give him an eye back. Yeah, positional. New Apple product. So anyways, after a while I say, Stavros, this guy keeps looking at us, this fucking son of a bitch, then he does it again, and I wave, I go, hello, hi. And Stavros goes, what's up? Stavros came a little more aggressive. He says, what's going on there, pal?

And the guy just kept staring, didn't respond to either one of us. I think he might have been a moot, or a moot, or a douche. What are you making of that? Oh, weird. Wait a minute. So, was he a big fella? Did you take him? Oh, we would have tuned him right up.

I mean, he was like an old, not an old, he was probably in his mid fifties, glasses. He looked like my dad, minus the mustache, and a little more talkative. Yeah, yeah, this guy paid more attention to you. Wow. All right. Well, so now what happens to you? You go, hey, where's your beverage there? Popcorn face?

Or what are we talking here? No, we both just said, we both just went, what's up? And then we were both perplexed, you know, because he didn't respond at all. Then we went to go get our own snacks, hot dog and beverages, came back, and then we weren't in our regular seats at the time. Maybe that's why he was giving us the stink eye. We went back to our seats, which was a few rows behind. It started to fill in, and then we never dealt with him again.

We were like eight rows behind him now, but we still hated him one more time, which was fun. I wanted to throw M&M's at his head, but I didn't. But then, the new seats, now we've got a bunch of Creighton nerds behind us. The Creighton was playing, I forget who they were playing. Oh, they were playing Providence, who I was rooting for as a New England nerd. But then there's these two fucking nerds behind us, two dudes, one girl, and they're the worst, the fucking worst. They kept referring to each player by their first name.

They just want to let you know. They're like, come on, Ronnie. Give it to him. Oh, Ronnie. Oh, pass it to Don. Give it to Don. Stinks. Brutal.

They got to let you know they know. You know, we get it. You're a nerd. Keep moving. Exactly. And then they didn't even know the game at one point. He's like, that's a moving pick to a team on defense. Like he was rooting for Creighton.

Providence is on defense. He goes, that's a moving pick, which doesn't even exist on defense. It doesn't even make sense. He's a fucking idiot. Two nerds. Eventually though, Providence came all the way back one and over time. We really gave him the business. We actually were hardcore Providence fans.

We were like, yeah, that's right. Suck it. And then he was like, we beat you last year, which is the worst sports talk ever. We beat you last year. We're here right now. Fucking losers. Right. Anyway.

So fuck you, Creighton. Go Providence. And that's it for that one. You take over. Over. Over. Well, that's wild. I mean, but it must have been a pretty good game.

Over. Hell of a game. Two games. You get two games for the price of one. The day session, the first game was fun. Xavier, they were like, they're the number one seed in the tournament or one of the number one seed. They kicked ass.

Providence was fun. Great day. A lot of laughs. Trashed a lot of comics. Yelled weird shit. Hated the nerd. It's fun when you hate somebody with somebody. The whole time you're like, did you hear that one guy?

Fucking guy. This guy stinks. He's the worst. So fun day. Great day. Love it. Well, that's also what's great about Stavey, baby. I feel like he's very level headed.

So he won't just shit on a guy to shit on him. He's always got a point. You know what I mean? He's smart. He has points, but his body has no points. Very rounded. That's also true. Follow him on Instagram.

Quite a scene how rounded and white he is. He does those photos of Matteo who's got in perfect shape. I think it's enough with those photos, the two of them together. It's odd. Yeah. At least Stavey's are gross and funny, but yeah. There's all these body shots. It's a little off-putting.

He looks like pudding. I don't mind of each individually, but I'm like, what is this? Every three weeks we need a new Stavey's Matteo together? It's odd. I know. Are they calling each other? Like, let's do our weekly shoot. How does that go down?

Do they have a podcast? Are they fucking? I don't understand. I think that's the part. I don't understand the group. Are they dating? What's going on there? I don't know.

I wouldn't put it past them. Come down. All right. Let's get cooking here. Well, as you know, I'm going to go a little back here. As you know, we had a freak snowstorm in Manhattan in New York City. I was supposed to fly to Charlotte on Wednesday to do a dickload of press. The snowstorm hit.

Flight canceled. I got a day in New York. Got to run the cone and set three more times thanks to old Liz at the cellar. I just had a nice snowstorm day. Me and the lady went out into the snowstorm, which was a big mistake. We tried to find a breakfast place. We got killed. Our umbrellas slipped inside out.

We got raped. It was a whole thing. I'm going to get you a snowstorm story myself. It's not going to be pretty, but I want to hear the rest. I mean, who raped you? Well, I think God raped us with those big hail bullets. I was soaked. There's no storm.

There's no joke. That's shit. It's soaked, and you get in the restaurant. You're just wiping that giant dandruff off. I'm really getting nailed by snow like that. I'm a sucker here. I don't know when to chime in. I got no time.

I need a cue. There's no cue. We got to pull cue. A cue ball. Nothing. A cue tip. Thank you. Good rapper.

I need a tip on when to cue. I got nothing here. I'm watching the window with a red mosquito. I'm watching crashing at this Airbnb. God, I love Airbnb. I got a good one this time. Yeah, I like crashing. It's enjoyable.

I like seeing everybody we know. It's fun to see your pals on TV. It's fun to see the pals say, hey, throw us a bone. We can't get on that show. We're New York staples, baby. I know we should be a duo. We come on. He gets a job in our podcast.

And then we say too many irreverent things. And he's nervous because he's religious. We keep saying fruit cake and fuck face. And he's going, oh my God, I can't be on here. Something like that. Oh, that's good. I like that. We got to pitch that.

Yeah, maybe we'll pitch it. And then we both fuck his girlfriend or something. Yes, even better. Let's do a tag team on Jamie Lee. Oh, boy. Getting out of hand here. So yeah, no storm was crazy. Did the set at the cellar a bunch more times.

It was one of those weird cellar nights where there was like half full because of all the snow and was scaring everybody. And it was nice because I'm like, yes, I missed all the press and it wasn't my fault. Even though I still feel guilty about it. It's not weird. I'm still like, oh, I should have gone, but then, you know, I couldn't go. The flights were canceled. Yeah, you want to like send them pictures of you in the snow crying to be like,

look, it's snowing. I'm crying. I'm raped. Exactly. Just a picture of my old sad umbrella flipped inside out. My girlfriend crying from the rape. And so then flew out the next day at like six in the morning, which sucked. They had to get up at five anyway.

You know, that's what I was trying to avoid because of the snowstorm. But so to get up and went to Charlotte, North Carolina. Hadn't been there since I opened for Schumer at the arena. Great, great town. It's kind of like a, I don't know, a left gay Atlanta, I would say. Hmm. Yeah. So did that and they put you up in a condo.

So me and Chris Allen are staying in a condo together, which is scary, but it's fucking huge. Two floors, two bedroom, three bath, big old kitchen, big living room. And boy, we really lived it up and he called him fat. So he's off booze and he's off the carbs. So we just had a great time. We did a lot of new material. We really lived it up and we went to the horse game and we're standing there.

We got hornets. Oh, hornets. Yeah. The basketball. I thought you said horse. Oh, no, no, I wish. I would love a hornet. That'd be nice just to grab them and throw them in a van.

So, so we, uh, we go to the hornet's game. This guy at the show is like, he's a Tuesday's a big fan. His name was Carlisle, which I thought was kind of fun. Oh, Randy Carl. Yes, he's good. Very good. Uh, so I said, Hey, uh, let's go. Yeah, sure.

So that's these lounge tickets. Not really box, but lounge. And so we're like, man, these seats are good, but they're not amazing. And we saw this group of people going down towards the other seats, but it was a lady checking tickets. And we were like, yeah, but if we get this, but we get in this group, we can just glom on and go down there. It was very exciting.

We got to be like fifth row. Oh, that's nice. Fifth row. Basketball is a nice sport to be close because you can really see the, the depth of their cocks, you know, the calves and the shoulders, the whole thing, the Cleveland calves. Yeah, they're huge, huge blacks down there. It's gigantic.

Filling avatars. Yeah. So that was fun. And then, uh, we left there, had a couple of beers. We left there. We did the show hot shows, but here's the clinker. Now Saturday, now it's Saturday or Friday. I don't know, but the shows are packed and I got this guy.

He looks like chief from cuckoo's nest. He's in the, uh, you know, you start taking photos from the first show and he's waiting in the line for the second show. And he's like, fuck, fuck Tuesday lunch, applesauce, sneaky 15. I'm like, yeah, yeah. All right, we'll get there. Fatty, I just got to take these photos. Nice guy, but he's flipping.

He's flipping out and I'm not used to it. I'm like, all right, take it easy. So then we do the next show. He's sitting front row and just yelling out, lunch Tuesday, sneaky 50. That's no tight shoe. And I'm like, all right, I'm in the middle of a bit here. Take it easy.

I'm doing about, you know, Jews in the military. And this guy's just yelling out, applesauce. I'm like, we haven't said applesauce since 88. Move on. I thought I got to talk to the guy. I know you're a fan, but good Lord, man, you're ruining the show. And he was just in a blackout. His girlfriend's like, he loves you.

And then the guy had to come over and yell at him. It was a whole thing. It's weird when the girlfriend has to be like, he loves you. And I'm like, all right, all right, but he's driving me crazy. Drive me crazy. I'm like trying to do a bit. I couldn't get in there. It was, uh, it was crazy.

He was just not stopping. He's like, but I'm a fan. I'm like, all right. Well, then listen, show me some decency and shut the fuck up. Yeah, that happens. I think I told you, I saw the Pearl Gym at the Cubs game. And a guy who was just kept chanting, let's go cub. And I had to be like, dude, you got to stop.

He's like, Eddie's a Cubs fan. I'm a Cubs fan. You don't know what it's like. I'm like, you're yelling, let's go cub through a performance of a guy that you think is good. You're ruining the show for all the people. Yes. It's like, if you go to Hamilton and just like, burr, Aaron Burr, Hamilton, let it happen. Also, it's like, do you think Eddie is going to be like, oh boy, I can hear a let's go Cubs

chant. Give him a backstage pass. I got to go. We got to ride bikes tomorrow. Exactly. Yes. So these, I think he was just out to lunch and clueless and hammered, but still it was a, it was a whole thing.

But, well, great weekend at the Charlotte Comedy Zone all together. Fun time. Got a lot of Chipotle cards. I got one for you there. Fat man. And, uh, yes. Then now, now here's another clink. Multiple clink.

Chris Allen, you know, he was opening for me. He's got a bunch of, you know, riffraff and, and, uh, Charlottesville, they all hang out. It's DC, Virginia, Richmond group of comics and they're all young and whippersnappery and gay. And, uh, he's like, this guy, Alex, he's like 19 or whatever. He wants to come up and watch the show and hang out. He's a Tuesday and I was like, yeah, sure, whatever. So he comes up, we get him a guest set.

He's thrilled. He's hanging out in the green room. It's 19 years old. This guy, Alex. We get my guest set. He does well and he gets drunk after in the condo. And it was so fun hanging out with this young guy because he reminds you that like, oh my god, we have great lives.

We got a great gig. We got a great job. He was like, that's the biggest crowd I've ever done. You know, you know, after a show, you stand there and everybody goes, thanks for coming. He was like, I can't believe they're thanking me. And it makes you realize like, oh yeah, this is pretty great. Wow. That's nice.

It was nice. That's a good feeling. You know, it's nice to be reminded. We appreciate the Chipotle gift cards. Last night I did a show and a woman gave me a Chipotle gift card and she was so sweet and we took a photo and you're just, it's unbelievable. It's crazy. It really is.

Yeah. And you forget and you go, ah, I got another show. Late show suck, heckled. But he's sitting there like, that was amazing. I can't believe you do this every weekend. This is so cool. And I'm like, oh, this is pretty cool. And he, like I got heckled.

So I was like in the green room pouting and he was out there shaking hands, all the people saying, and he's like, this is amazing. I want to do this every night of my life. I'm like, yeah, you're right. Then we got drunk in the condo and talked comedy. Did a queef. We had a great night. Thanks to him.

That sounds great. He boosted the energy. Yeah, it was nice. And you forget. I'm glad. Oh, good. You go. Over.

I'm glad. Now what you said, you were afraid to stay with Chris Allen. Is it the guns? Because I find the guns off putting. I love Chris and I'm happy that he's getting thinned out so you can hang out with him in public now. But the guns are creepy. Yeah.

And you creeped out by the guns or what's going on with the guns? Well, he's just a gun guy who's in the military. He's black. I don't know. They like guns. It's not like he had a revolver in his duffel bag or anything, but yeah, he's a big fan of guns and wants to shoot his AR-15 or whatever the hell. So as long as he's not shoving a gun up my asshole and pulling the trigger, I'm okay.

He's not bringing them to class or anything. Now what about putting them in your ass but not pulling the trigger? That seems unpleasant. As long as the silencer's on, I'm good. Well, the problem is the sight. It's that little triangle, the little bump in the barrel. That part seems like it would strip your herpes. I didn't want to say it.

I didn't know if you'd know about the bump, but you got it. I know about the bump. I've had a bump in my ass. I had a bump in my Twitter followers too. I had a bump in the night. Yeah, so great time. Alex Castain. What's his name again?

Alex Castain. 19. Watch out for this kid. Maybe I met him. I met a bunch of young bucks in Charlottesville. I bet you did. He's a wily little Jew with wacky hair. I'm sure you met him. Yeah, maybe I met him.

Sounds about right. But yeah, then when we woke up next day, we got soul food. It was like a real soul food joint. I told the manager at the club, take me to get some real Charlotte, North Carolina soul food. So we went to this place called Nana's. And it was the church crowd. It was Sunday.

And we got some smothered pork chops. There was only white people in there. It was like that scene in Animal House. Did we dance with the old date? That's the one. There we go. Deep. And then I flew to LA in a horrible flight on American Airlines.

Suck it, bitch. That flight, that airline stinks. And yeah, flew to LA, got the rental car, went straight to the Hilton, and then did the improv on Melrose in Hollywood. And there was eight people there. And I bombed my cone and set. But before I went on, Craig Robinson was there,

doing like a little karaoke on the piano and everything, him from the office. Of course, yeah. He's good friends with my friend Henry. That's right. So I opened for him years ago. And he didn't remember me, but he did a cool thing on stage.

He was bringing people up and like singing songs and everything. And this one black lady came on and she kept yelling like, I don't know this white shit. I don't know this white shit. And then he came up off the piano and he grabbed the mic out of her hand. He said, stop separating us. Sit down.

Which I thought was really cool. Oh boy, I love that. I feel the same way. Isn't that amazing? Yeah, he was just like, hey look, we're all here to have a good time. Stop making about white and black. Just play the goddamn song

and if you don't know it, sit the hell down. Wow, that's exciting. That's fun. He's a nice guy. I think you told a story about opening for him before on the podcast. We've done this before. We need like a Rain Man encyclopedia guy.

Like a pop-up video to be like episode 191. Hear about Mark with Greg Robinson. Oh, that would be huge. Yeah, we need an Asian Shelby. I think Shelby is Asian. Shelby, are you Asian? Unfortunately not. One day, keep trying.

Yeah, maybe some Scotch tape. All right, I feel like I'm hogging it. You go. Well, no hog. It was good stuff, but you mentioned the snowstorm. I'm glad you set up the scene for the snowstorm because it was nasty. It was a northeaster.

That's a northeaster minus the... It was a nor, comma, I mean, apostrophe, Easter. I don't know what that means. Got it. But it was a wild storm and I had... I don't want to say the club because I don't want to disparage any comedy clubs. I want all clubs to be successful

and people, you know, things happen, but there was a... I had a real incident at a New York City comedy club. It was my only spot of the night. There's nothing worse than when you have one spot and it's a big snowstorm because you're like, is it going to get canceled?

Is it not going to get canceled? And I'm at home and Sarah was at work. They let her go home early because it was a big storm. So she came home. We got the heat cranked up to 78 degrees where we had the windows open so we can watch the snow and the wind

and the whole house is going... This is a real storm, as you mentioned. Yes. And it's snowing and raining and hail. It's all three... It's just nasty. At one point, I've never experienced this before. It was snowing like white-out conditions

but also pouring rain at the same time. I've never seen that. I didn't even know that was a possibility. Yes. It was slushy and brutal. It was raining like... You have an umbrella and it's like rain but also snow.

It was mind-blowing. It's like this climate change crazy shit. Exactly. It's so true. I can vouch that snow was wet and it was gross and snowy and wet and rainy and douchey. So I got a 9 o'clock spot

and the club is now... I live in Queens and all the clubs are in Manhattan. So it's a hall and it's two trains to get there. So I'm sitting around and the show is on. I'm confirmed.

They're promoting. I go, OK, there's a show happening. So I'm sitting with them and watching movies. We snuggled up. We made love. And I go, I can't believe I have to leave this suck. I was hoping the show would get canceled

but duty calls. I fired myself up. I'm like, this is how you get stronger. This is how you get better when you're out there in the snow and the rain. Like a mailman. This is why mailmen are so good

at living life and killing people. You just gotta... How they do it? Sorry. They do it though. They got big calf muscles. You ever see those male people? Yes.

Male people, big calf, weird hat and a lot of guns. Yep. So Chris Allen's a mailman. So I finally get it up and I go, now this is how you gotta be tough and strong

and so I walk to the train and now at this point there's three inches of... Nobody's shoveling because it's still rain and snow at the same time so it's three inches. So as soon as you get out

your feet are just soaked and wet and freezing and in New York City if you're not familiar, all every street corner across the city where the two streets meet there are street corner.

You get it. There's like six inches of water. The water just collects. There's no drainage and it's old. Can you confirm this? Yes. I'm confirming it.

It's slushy. It's wet and brown and it's rapy. Real nasty. So I take the train. I call the club that I'm going to at showtime

to go make sure... Let me make sure before I get on this train that the show is happening. Nobody answers but I think to myself, maybe no one's answering because it's showtime

and they're checking people in. So let me just get on the train. Be a man. Get in there. I take the train. I get to Times Square. Now I gotta transfer. The train I'm transferring to,

I'm waiting on it for 10 minutes. It's one of those ones when you get there, you can tell it's been sitting there for a while. Everybody has their hands and their hips. They're all going,

what the fuck's going on? And they're making it now. You can't hear it. It's that bullshit. You can't even hear what they're saying. Yeah, finally, after like 20 minutes,

legitimately 20 minutes, they come on and they go, folks, we got an investigation. We're going to need you to just seek out another train or seek alternate travel. We don't know when we're

going to leave. All right. So I walk all the way to the other train. I go, I can take this train. Now the time is starting to get myself an hour and a half

to get there. Usually it takes about 40 minutes. I go, I'll just give myself a lot of time. I get to the other train. I take that train up. I have to wait for that one for a while.

I get out and now I'm walking across town because I had to take a different train. That's not even close to the club. And now, you know, you try to stay

as dry as possible. But then after a while, it's like, it's not even worth trying anymore. Now I'm just stepping right into the stuff because I'm already soaked. So who gives a shit?

All right. So I'm treaching through and I'm more than ankle deep in ice water. Both feet are numb and soaked. Finally, I got two minutes

to get there. I'm texting the manager going, hey, listen, I'm going to be there right at showtime, right at my set time. It took me forever. The train's down.

I'm sitting on all these texts. I get to the club, lights are off, door is locked, show canceled, never notified. Oh my God. Nothing.

The show was canceled. They had the wrong number for me. They texted some random douche. What? Jesus Christ. Finally, I've been working there

for years. I guess, I couldn't believe it. I looked at it. I'm like, this has got to be a joke. It was like a crazy punchline. I was already like,

this is going to be the worst show ever. I don't even want to believe it. I'm like, this has got to be a joke. It was like a crazy punchline show ever.

I don't even want to do stand up. I'm wet. I look ridiculous. My hair is all wet. My glasses are fogged up. I'm shivering. My feet are like,

it's like when you're walking and there's water just squirting out of your feet. Like you can, out of your sneaker, it's like pfft. No joke. Completely canceled.

It was all for nothing. It took me an hour and a half to get there. So I immediately just jumped on a cab, come home. It was two hours full, two hours round trip.

I just leave my wife in the nice comfort of our warm home. I come back soaked. And I just whipped my bag across the thing. And I was like, motherfucker,

I went crazy. She's like, you got to settle down. It was like, it was crazy. It was like the scene in Pulp Fiction when she loses the watch.

Oh yeah. Holy hell. The scene with the Gimp gets raped. Renaissance on your ass. Is it Renaissance? Medieval. Medieval.

Sorry. Yes. Your ass. Anyway, that was my story. Now let me just say this for the folks that set track from Queen to that club.

I hope the people at home really get the, is it the gravity of the situation? Is it gravity? Yeah. I think so. I think gravity's involved.

Yeah. It's a decent movie. Some people have it. I didn't care for it. Well, either way, that is hell. I'm sorry.

That's brutal. And that's, no, that's flush. Like I was running back. The comedy filler to the village underground, and that was hell.

That's a block. Yeah. It was a bummer. Yeah. I had, I talked to a friend of mine, a friend of ours who lives near the club.

And he was like, I went outside and walked to block before I got the message. And I was pissed. And I was like, well, right. I was like,

one of those ones, you just trump somebody's story. And like he told his story and I was like, well, I need one up yet. But,

oh yeah. Human beings, they were all gays in the military. So what can you do? It's water under the bridge and in my sock. But,

it was infuriating at the time, of course. I just wanted to fucking smash baby's skull. Yeah. Break that

child's skull. Man, that sucks. Yeah. And so you end up paying money for a spot you didn't even do.

Yeah. And the club, by the way, they were very apologetic. They paid me for the spot and so all is well. Oh, all right.

All right. That's cool. Yeah. And then, ultimately, it was two hours out of your life. You're cold,

you're wet, you get home, you take your socks off, you take your shoes off, you take a hot shower, you put your PJs back on and it's two hours. What are you going to do?

Life is long and my penis is short. So, no big deal. I think your penis is pretty good.

27. It's about six, six and change, six and five quarters, maybe a nickel, per piece. Yeah,

that's ten, you have a long way to go. You don't want a silver dollar, though. No, no, it's too thick. What happened then?

Let me just... Oh, go ahead, sorry. No, silver dollars. Silver dollars, whatever.

It turned into a pancake, really, at the end of the day. What's that about a pancake? Silver dollars. It went from a pancake, pretty quick.

Oh, yeah. Good point. A lot of syrup. Oh, yeah. A lot of syrup. Let me just tell you about this

that happened last night. Can I give you a little bit of last night's business? Hit me, baby, one more time. Well,

great film. You know, Michelle Wolff and I, we put together a little benefit for the environment. I'm worried about the environment, as we all do.

Oh, yeah, so Michelle Wolff and I said, hey, why don't we save the whole Earth with one comedy show?

It's all we know how to do is comedy. So we said, we'll put together a show, big show, at the Village Underground to make a few bucks and give it to the Nature

Conservatory. Yeah, we got to conserve that nature. You've got to conserve. Conservatory. I think your photo's

got to go. There you are. Oh, yeah. So Michelle Wolff and I said, hey, there you are.

Oh, good. Oh, sorry. I'm gay. Well, we're going to get a lot of tweets on this one. Well,

here's the thing, folks. We don't, we're not the same table. We're still trying to put out an F4, yeah, and we hope you don't

hate us. Yeah, we hope we don't hate us, but you're gone for three weeks, you're 3,000 miles away, we're doing the best we can.

We're both gay, our mothers are dead, and my foot hurts. Oh, yeah. So, we put together the show

Village Underground last night, at the time of recording, it was last night, by the time you hear this, it was eight days ago, but we put together the show and we got,

listen to this lineup. Can I give you the lineup? Hit me with the lineup. Bobby Kelly, Robert Kelly, who's just a murderer, he's a killer,

as you know. You got Bobby and Robert? And we get, what he said? He got Bobby and Robert. Yeah,

we got Robert Kelly. Oh, yeah, well, I guess he is, size-wise. Then we get

old CQ, fresh off a heart attack, the legend, Colin Quinn, back in better than ever. Wow. Ah,

here, I hear he's my hero. And he's doing well, he has the best Trump stuff. All these people have Trump material, Trump over there,

he's got the best, everyone should drop their Trump material, because Quinn's got the best stuff. Oh, really, I can hear it.

Oh, he's so good, he's like, you know, he talks about the forefathers, the founding fathers, he's like,

all their stuff is written, how do you know, they might, they might have talked like Trump. Maybe they have the similar style, he's like,

we will form a North Perfect Union. I mean, he's like, what? And then he's like, we think he's going to

get impeached. Like, you guys think he's, like, I hope you don't think he's going to get impeached and just be in front of the helicopter going

so long, everybody. Like, I hope you don't think that's the narrative. He's like, he's like, he's going to be, take over a state,

I'm taking over this day. I don't want to, he hasn't released it, so I shouldn't be putting out any of it. And I'm not doing it justice because he's a lot smarter than me

and finer than me. I don't think he's either. Handsome guy. Oh yeah. Young Quinn is hotter than, you know, my uncle.

But, Oh yeah, you're awesome. Peach. It's gross. So, he kills it. Then we have Greer Barnes,

who's one of the funniest guys ever. I mean, he just had me howling and some of the jokes you've heard before, but you're still like, oh my God,

this is so funny, so wildly inventive. Yes, I agree. The sound effects, the whole jizz, pretty tough jizz. He's got it all.

He's got the full package. And just silly. I love him. Silly. He's so silly. Yes, he's a breath of fish. Direct.

Sure. And then we had another legend, David Tell. Close it out. Jesus. Hey, channel. Robert Kelly,

Colin Quinn, Greer Barnes, David Tell, plus Wolfenay. Wow. That's a hot ticket. Hot ticket. A lot of Tuesdays came out,

by the way. It was fun. It was a nice feeling because there's a lot of Wolfenay people, and there was a lot of Tuesday people, and we want to combine

forces. If you're Tuesday, check out Michelle Wolfen. She's got a new show coming out. Check out her special, Nice Lady. I got a lot of Wolfenay.

I open for it. Caroline's all weekend. That was amazing. I'll save that for later or another episode. But we had a fun time. We went on together and we had a quiff.

It's going to be a fart quiff. More on that later. Oh, wow. That's a man. I'm dying to hear about it. Jesus. I'm like a fan.

I want to hear about the Wolf Weekend and the fart quiff. It's got to be really something. We had Matt Wayne opening who's just a classic guy.

So funny. He's hilarious. We know a lot of the same movie lines. A big Seinfeld autistic person like us. And we recorded all of our farts.

I'm going to release the quiff. I got to do some editing. We got like 50 and we got to be the best quiff of all time. Green Room Farts. And there's so many

fine ones. We got long ones, short ones, rippers. There's a Wolf Fart in there. There's a lot of Matt Wayne.

He kind of dominated it. There's a Soder attempt. It was really something. Wait. Wolf farted? Oh, she farts. Women fart. I don't know

if you know this. They have a vaginas and asshole. I don't believe it. Yeah. I didn't realize that women had assholes till 1998.

It's a long story. I realized it when I licked the wrong hole and tasted like a battery. But I didn't hear it. I love a Wolf Fart. I love a Wolf Foofie.

But I love a Wolf Fist. Weeks. Yeah. Well, she's the killer and she's blowing up. We sold out the show

at Village Underground. Again, thank you to all the Tuesdays, all the Wolfomaniacs and just a fun show. We went on together and just kind of improvised.

It was pretty fun. We went on the end and we just went too long. That was a little embarrassing. But fun night. Thank you to all the Tuesdays. Thank you for the Chipotle gift

cards. Thanks for the kind tweet. And then I want to hear about this Kona. Give me the whole deal because I got a little slice of your Kona myself. Because last night

we were recording this the day after it records. And we're sitting at the cellar. Good group. But it's kind of quiet. It's slowing down. It's late.

Obviously, it's quarter 12. And then it hits me. Mark is about to be on. I go, hey, Liz, Alicia, can we get the Kona on here? And they go,

of course we can. They kill the music and they turn off the movie. They put the TV on. They crank the sound up. And we all watched it. It was very exciting. Oh, my God.

You don't know what that means to me. That's so sweet. Because, you know, out in LA, you feel very alone. So here getting those texts I was driving in the rain and you're like,

we're putting on the TV. Everybody's watching it. Big laugh. I was like, oh, my God, tear it up. Well, it was a special occasion.

I mean, it wasn't a huge group or anything, but it was Adrian, Jared Freed, and then, you know, Liz, Alicia,

and who else is there? It was a small group. But we all watched. We all laughed. Freed, comment on how good you looked physically. And a lot of laughs.

It was a great, great time. Hey, boy, I'll take it means a lot. So all right, let me get into it here. We'll give you the behind the scenes

and I'll hear the front of the scene. So, here we go. Well, I wake up early on Tuesday. That's what I'm shooting on Tuesday. How perfect. And I go,

I go say, I wake up at like 9 a.m. and I go, I'm going to the gym just to get a good stretch in. And, you know, it's a school day,

9 a.m. on a Tuesday. Who's going to be at the gym? It's L.A. The gym is jammed. It's all these Instagram models and X actors and old. It was crazy. Now,

I hate a gym jam. I hate a gym jam or even a Jim Burry. But, yeah, we're full as hell and I don't even like Jim Jarmusch. I think he's overrated.

But, Jim Burry time. Yeah, we get it. What's that? Jim Burry time. Oh, yeah,

that's not bad. So, I go to the gym, it's packed and all these girls are like on these machines and filming themselves while working out.

These L.A. idiots. This is so cliche. But, what are you going to do? So, I do my little dumb work out. I stretch out my sack. I get the hell out of there.

I go have lunch with the manager. Then, I go straight to Conan. I got a good group. I got Jonathan Morvey, Mike Becky-owned, Josh Potter, straight whites.

I invited a black guy. He couldn't make it. Something with court, I think. And so, then, now, here's the weird thing.

We're yucking it up in the green room. We're totally dominated. You know how you do Conan? Do you get your own room? But, also, living room area? Yes.

Yes, we've dominated that. There's like people in there, but it's just a bunch of comics. Yucking it up, throwing grapes at each other, laughing, we're making fun of each other,

making fun of JP, the booker. And, just having a great time and it hits me like, oh my God, you're going on in a minute. You're about to be on TV.

Get your act together. And then, I have an Alan moment where I go, this is you. Be you. Don't worry about the set. The set, it's going to happen either way.

Just stop worrying about it, because that's what I do. I, I stew in my head and I try to make up a problem. Yes. Where's the joy? Yes.

So, then I go, where's the joy? I remember the mantra. And I go, that's it. I'm about to do Conan. I'm excited.

This is going to be great. Praise Allah. So, having a great time. And, hold on, let me come over here and see if I,

if I'm missing anything here. We've got a good group backstage. And, you know, I'm behind the curtain, waiting to go on. And I go, hey,

where's the lady who Instagrams? Because there's always a Conan Instagram with people behind the curtain. And I go, oh, did you want that? And I go, of course I fucking want that.

The lady runs in, she films me, and I fart backstage behind the curtain. If you go to Conan's stories, what's probably gone now, but I fart backstage

on tape, thinking of farts and queeps, all the grips, all the, the stage hands are all bent over, dying, this fart was wicked.

So, then I go on, fun set, we leave, and, yeah, then I went and did a set

at the Soho house and bombed, which is comedy in a nutshell. Soho house? But, Soho house in West Hollywood, very hip.

Ooh. Soho house? Soho house in West Hollywood, ooh. Yeah, but, so yeah,

I did the set, it went well, I felt good, JP, we hugged, we did the whole thing, I took my name off the door, as you do,

and I got the hell out of there, and, yeah, I went to my Airbnb, it's funny how it's, it's all built up, until you work for weeks on the set,

you're tweaking, you're tuning, you get there, you're all nervous, you freak out, you're hanging out with your friends, then you do the set, five minutes is over like that,

and before you know it, I'm dealing with an Asian lady at the Airbnb going, where's the wifi? It's 20 minutes later. Yeah, it's a weird feeling, because it's just five minutes

of your life, I mean, five minutes is, we've been on the phone for 45 minutes, we've done seven conans in this time, we're nine.

Yeah, good point. It's weird to think about, but it all builds up, and then afterwards, you're like, you're not sure how you're supposed to feel,

you're like, this is what I'm in therapy about all the time, every day, you're like, why don't you just feel whatever you feel, it's just life,

too many expectations of feelings. Exactly, but I do that thing where I plant it in my head, like, oh, it's gonna go like this, then they're gonna give me

a standing O here, then they're gonna throw roses and the panties are gonna come off and all that, but I gotta stop doing that. Yeah, it's very tricky, and I'm going through it

myself, because I'm doing Fallon, I guess, this week, if you're listening, recording in two days, if you're listening,

but at the time of this recording, eight days, but it's a whole rigmarole. Oh, by the way, my Netflix is out right now, right? Yes,

this moment. Oh my God. You can go listen to it, watch it right fucking now. It's on, which is exciting. Oh, I can't wait. But,

yeah, I feel the same way, because it's like, I got the Fallon coming up in the Netflix, you have all this anxiety, and then you go to therapy and your therapist is like,

I don't know. I don't even know. Yeah, yeah, exactly. The Netflix, it's already shot in late nights, five minutes,

you know the jokes are good, so what the hell are we worried about? I don't know. I kept having this feeling, I was going to flub, and then I have to go, shut up,

you're not going to flub, it's like I'm fighting with my own brain, I'm such an idiot. I'm just sitting back there going, you might flub it, you might flub it,

if you flub it, it's all ruined, one flub, well here's the thing, this should help you, I've flubbed the line on all three of my late nights, 100% of my late nights,

that's flub, but it's still fine, people don't even notice, they go, oh whatever, that was fun, it was endearing, or whatever,

and it's like, Valen talks about accepting your worst fear, I was having a panic attack in the middle of my last Conan, and I've flubbed lines, and it was all still fine,

the worst thing I worry about has already happened to me. Wow, yeah, you're a flubber, good movie. My flub, I'm looking forward to flubbing next week.

Yes, I got a feeling you won't flub, because you're aware of the flubbing, and you've accepted the flub. You gotta accept the flub, folks, that's a new mantra,

where's the joy, and accept the flub. Now we're talking. Now we're really, now we're really changing lives here, we're accepting flubs. Yeah,

I think you're gonna non-flub, and people are gonna go, where's the old list? He's using a flubber, no flub, that's the trademark. We wanna flub,

Norman, maybe I'll flub on purpose. I'll come out and go, hey, that's not bad, just don't flub the N word or something. Oh boy,

don't put that out there, my god. Ah, can you imagine that on Conan, the roots would just freak out. Yeah, the roots are on fire,

but anyway, it's a big week, so check out, I said this last week, go to Mark's, Conan on YouTube, right now, if you haven't already,

give a nice comment, say hey, and be truthful, it's a great, great set, killer set, huge laughs, I mean,

big, big laughs, a lot of these sets, you hear like a little smattering or a clap there, or a, haha, these were like house room laughs,

bang, boom. Hey, come on. I appreciate it, I'm a joker. Yeah, gotta shut up to you,

and Liz, and uh, Liz, put me up at the cellar, she put me up like three, four times a night, let me run those five minutes, so when

JP was like, what do you want me to thank, I got on the website here, you're at Spokane, uh, tomorrow, or this weekend, I was like,

fuck that, put the comedy cellar, they say help me out a ton, nobody's gonna see the Spokane thing, cellar all the way, it felt good. Thank you,

we love the cellar, and uh, the same thing to me, she's like, run it whenever you want, she gave me an extra spot, it's been really nice, they're really,

really kind over there, but uh, go onto YouTube, and give a, give a thumbs up, and a big comment, and then mention the podcast, say hey,

great set, killer laughs, this guy's as good as it gets, check out his podcast, it all helps, and it's nice to flood it with, with positive comments,

to get these troll idiots, uh, out of there, you know? Yes, it's funny to say that, because I'm on the YouTube right now, I'm on the laptop,

and there's a lot, there's two gays, United, there's a lot of, check out his podcast, there's a lot of, he's gay, and his Adam's apple's

a real problem. Yeah, that's, it's a bad Adam's apple, I would do something about it personally, but uh, who am I to say?

Maybe I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll be a turtle, a guy. A what guy? A turtle neck. Yeah,

you might have to be a turtle neck, or a scarf, something, something's up, but that's neither here nor there, it was a great set, the jokes are killer, and that's what matters,

my teeth are, up the fucking pet cemetery, so who knows? I got a couple gravestones in there. But anyways, and then, so the, what else was I going to say?

We got to start wrapping this puppy up here. Sorry about the sound. Oh, you're breaking up, you're breaking up. Oh, you're breaking up earlier,

fuck. Oh, wait, you're back. All right, we're wrapping up anyways, but sorry about the sound, and then any breakups,

we're doing the best we can for you folks, we didn't want to miss a week, and we didn't want to have some fucking guest host in here. I refuse to guest host. No, fuck a host,

it's it. And now you're breaking up, I got nothing. We got, we got a guest host, it kills the whole thing, we got a rhythm. We got,

we got something, we got rhythm, we got music, who could ask for anything more? All I have to plug right now, folks, is that Netflix is up right now, go watch it, go tweet it,

and tell a friend, and kiss your mother in the lips, let them know, and then check out Fallon on Friday. What about, what about you? Well, I see you got,

you got that nice trailer out now, you got some screen time on the trailer, which is good. Yes, which is nice, but now at the time of them hearing this, fuck the trailer, watch the real thing.

Yes, here, here, check out the real thing, you're going to love it, and skip all the other nuts, and go right to the fat, Toothless Man. I don't know if you're toothless,

but your small mouth, you get it. Yeah, perfect. Check out the website for me, martindomancomy.com for dates, and hit the Patreon, Queefs Galore, the fartqueef is going to take over the world,

break the internet. Yeah, we got that, I got movie reviews with Sarah, you got an extended queef with Chris Allen, our number one pal, and we got a lot more, I got one with Matt Wayne,

I got a road trip, another one with Matt Wayne, who's hilarious, check him out, and it's a great time to be on the Patreon, a lot of bonus shit, and things are really cooking for us right now,

so get on board. Definitely, things are cooking, and yell at your Pope like, keep those cards covered, keep seeing us live, and I get sorry about the phone, but God love...

Yep, you cut out again, I don't even know if you're there anymore, I love my life. Oh, God, I don't know what's going on, I hate myself.

All right, we gotta wrap up, Shelby, let's, let's, let's, let's end it.

Thank you for watching.