Tuesdays with Stories! - #238 Snazzy Cock

Episode Date: March 27, 2018

Hoo boy, Mark and Joe are no longer on the phone as they recap Joe's post-Netflix Tonight Show appearance and Mark's whirlwind trip across America with puking audience members, bad frittatas, and murderous open micers! Check it out! We now have WEEKLY bonus eps with Mark & Joe talking about whatever! Get on it! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download Go on iTunes and give the pod a #5StarLunch review!1

This is a Stand Up New York Labs production, providing you podcasts since 2013. Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag!

Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe Less. Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. Nah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

Alright! We are off in anal, baby. Hot tamale. Easy does it. Caution. Wet floor. This is Tuesdays with Stories, folks. It's been years.

I'm nervous. I haven't done this in six months. It's been a while. It's been about two and a half weeks. And then we did a phoner, which was weird, because that was like... I forgot about the phoner. It felt weird.

And that would have been a hot episode, too, because... I really had a lot. I had the guy with popcorn and no drink. You had Conan. Yeah, yeah. But it was the phone. It was busting up and breaking up and over and out. But thanks for listening.

Yes. And a lot of positive reviews, actually, on the walkie-talkie. Well, it's like a marriage. You got to mix it up every now and then. You got to put it in the pooper. Or wear a cowboy hat or, you know, a taser or something. Yeah, that was something. And also, this is...

I'm a little nervous because this is the first post-Netflix episode. So we could have some people... Ooh. New. So just to warn you here, there's going to be a lot of come in your asshole. Yeah, that thing's dripping. A big cream pie right into my mouth. A lot of incest.

A lot of pedophilia. A lot of stuff happening here at the show. You name it. Rape. Racial. Rape Tards. Racial Rape. The big Rs.

Hey, Racial Rape. Racial Rape. Aha. That's my favorite kind. So, yeah, I don't know what to tell you. Well, we just lost half of them. Yeah, I think they're all gone and we're back to the original Tuesdays. Yes, the real Tuesdays.

And I've really been hearing from the Tuesdays. Thanks so much. I mean, I don't even know where to start or what to say. But I've gotten so many texts and emails and phone calls and Facebooks. Well, I think... I appreciate it. You've officially made it. I feel like you've gone past the...

You know, you were swimming in the comedy pool and now you're out of the pool and you're in the country club. I think we've made it quite some time ago. Wow, but I think this is your hand to stamp there, Fatty. You're on a new plane. I appreciate it. I mean, I haven't had a day job in 11 years. I feel like we made it a little while ago.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's been exciting. I mean... I think there's levels. It's all levels. It's all levels, Jerry. Wood, Jerry. Wood.

Wood. Yes. Sorry, I was sipping. I would have been there with you. I knew I was trying to fill it in while you were slurping that semen. Well, it's been exciting and I can't even... I don't want to get sincere because I might start sobbing on here. I mean, these emails...

I want to hear everything. The texts. The last time I talked, it was via text, maybe a GIF and then the weird phone-er. So I haven't had a real moment to chat with you. Yeah, it's been quite a whirlwind. The wind has been whirling, I would say. But now it's kind of dying down. You kind of just go, all right, we're back to normal.

Now it's like an occasional favorite thing. Right. And you always have that last-ditch effort to be like, oh, I forgot to post the YouTube. Here she comes. Then you get about 20 comments there and you're like, I'm back in business. Yes, yes.

You get to get showered with love and it's like, what is that saying? Comedy or showbiz is like a roller coaster. It's ups and downs. You were up and now you're kind of on the way back. Yeah, yeah. Now I'm down. That's all part of it because then you get to be up again.

It's been very exciting. So many people have emailed. Everybody should get to experience. What I've got to experience the last few days because it feels like I got to be around after you die. Because when you die, that's when everyone's like, boy, oh boy, he was great. We really loved him.

Because most people, you get a birthday and you get like a happy birthday dad. Thanks for teaching me how to wear pants or whatever. Sure, sure. But it's light. This has been like everyone I've ever met from high school comics, peers, idols, younger comics, writing really sweet, genuine things.

Right. It's like Tom Sawyer. He died. Was it Tom Sawyer? Or was it Bailey? No, no, he dies and he gets to see his funeral. Oh, that's Scrooge McDuck. No, no, I think it's a Twain.

Oh, it's a Twain? It's a Twain. And I always, when I read that book as a kid, I was like, this is genius. I want to have this. But I always worry somebody's going to go up to my casket and do like a fake hand job and spit in my eye. But didn't that happen to Scrooge also?

Wasn't that Scrooge? Well, he doesn't. And then Zach Morris had it happen. Well, they're all ripping it off. They're biting Twain. It's he does the whole, you know, Scrooge does the whole past, present, future. Oh, I never saw it.

This was, they thought the kid died. He didn't die. He faked his death. And then he went to the church and hid up in the rafters and watched all the people go, he was great at this. He sucked my dick. He blew my mom and all that. And the kid goes, oh, wow.

I didn't know they cared. Oh, that's not. Maybe I'll read it. It's pretty good. We went to his house that time. That's right. Twain, not Finn. But I didn't read anything.

Yeah. I think we read the brochure. But yeah, good. Then he goes, I'm alive. And they go, oh, we hate you now. So it's a fun twist. Ah. Yeah.

Good time. That Twain. He was all right. Oliver Twist. That was Scrooge also. Wasn't it? Same guy. Dickens.

What'd you call me? Dickens. I believe it begins and ends. Yeah. Unfortunately. Dickens wrote Scrooge and a Christmas Carol. And I think he also wrote Oliver Twist, right? Yeah.

I think you're right. I don't know if he wrote a Christmas Carol. Well, he definitely wrote a Christmas Carol. I know he wrote Twist. Oh, all right. So then we got a hundred percent on both. Cinnamon Twist. Shelby just taken the day off over there.

We can use a couple. Yeah, well, he's on Molly. I didn't even see her. All right. That was a stretch. Anyway, guys, it's been really nice. I got the Norm MacDonald tweet. Oh, I saw that.

That was mind blowing. Was that pre provoked? I mean, I said, hey, could you recommend, could you put out a thing saying I'm on the stand-ups? And he wrote, what should I write? And I was like, you can write this. And I wrote, check out Joe List on season two of The Stand-Ups. Yeah. And then I wake up to this.

He's one of the only good people working in the whole thing. Amazing. That was really something. Beautifully written. It was so heartfelt. Touching. I think that was a Karlan quote between you and me in the lamp post. Oh, well.

What are you going to do? I think it was a twist. And a bit hyperbolic also. At least people tweeted at him like, what are you talking about? I can name five right now. Oh, jeez. Jesus Christ. Boy, you can't win.

He's just trying to be nice, I think. But that was special. And it's been unbelievable. One guy, he said his brother died while he was watching it or something. I felt horrible, but it was really sweet. And it's just been insane. I do. I feel like George Bailey.

It's fucking touching. And so many people are so nice. We have so many people listening. So many Tuesdays. So many hashtag Tuesday lunch. I'm gay. And that's amazing. And it feels like we're a family.

It's touching. Although I had two people hashtag Tuesdays that were quite mean to me. Well, you got to get a couple of bad apples. Which is strange to listen to the podcast. Yeah. But also dislike me. Yeah. I think people, that's just their go-to.

Hey, I'm going to be mean. I'm going to be a dick. I don't know what their thing is, but they feel they're not strong enough to be nice. If that makes sense. Yeah. One guy wrote, that's the shirt you choose. A pajama top. Seriously, that was bad.

Hashtag Tuesday. I'm like, I'm wearing a $200 imported Ted Baker shirt. Right. And you're the single only person that wrote anything bad about me. Everyone else was like, you look great. Most people just were like, that was a great set. Yeah. I got a standing ovation on The Tonight Show.

Yes. This guy's like, what's up with your shirt? Right. I don't really see. And it's a fucking $200 shirt. You fucking idiot. You fucking nothing. You fucking nothing.

Piece of shit. Yes. Look at that. There might have been Ben Sherman who wrote in. Who's Ben Sherman? He's another closing guy. He was probably pissed about the Baker. I don't know Ben Sherman.

He's good. I know Hugo Boss. Oh, yeah. He's around. And then another guy, one other Tuesday guy, wrote to the Tuesdays with stories email. And I've gotten three different people from three different sources write this. They're like, hey, five head. Boy, that's old.

I heard that in the 90s in middle school. I'm like, yeah, that's what I'm telling a story about a girl saying a thing to me in the 90s. You're like, you're a dipshit who doesn't comprehend storytelling. Yeah. It's literally like if I was like, yeah, yeah, I called a guy an asshole. And someone was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, that's hack asshole. That's been done.

That's not your. I'm like, you're not even listening. Like you're not. Yeah. You have no comprehension. And the worst is they think they're protecting comedy. I know. Hey, I've heard that before.

I know how comedy is. You're stealing. And I'm like, you don't even understand how a joke works. Right. You're a fucking dumb, dumb. Jive Turkey. What is this? The 70s?

It's talking about the 70s. You cook. It's just it's a dumb thing. But I guess I feel bad for you. You miss comprehended. Yeah. And that's again, that's the guy looking. How could I nail this weirdo?

How could I get this idiot? Oh five head. I'll make fun of that. Like they just have to find some negative thing. Very strange. But those are fun. And then one lady, I've been responding to negativity. It's been enjoyable.

I enjoy it as well. I talked to my therapist. Our therapist. And he said, good. He's like, whatever you want to do, do it. Yeah. Because people will say, I don't leave him alone. And I fuck it.

I'm going after him. Yeah. Why am I just going to let someone yell mean things? Yeah. Exactly. I mean, I'll in person, I'll let you do it. But on Twitter, I'll come back at you. Yeah.

So I haven't looked at the YouTube comments and all that. They're good. I looked. All right. Great. So guys, they will leave comments of my cone. It's just like, this guy's great. And if you like him, check out the pod.

Check out the pod. Lunge, anal, jizz, hashtag. Me too. Well, we appreciate. I really do appreciate every single individual that wrote something nice. If you're listening, thank you from the depths of my asshole. I really am extremely grateful. It was so kind.

It's deep. And so appreciate. I mean, it just is very touching. And thank you. It's been a really exciting few days. Yes. And then the Tonight Show to put a button on it. Woo.

Very exciting. Big button. And well, I guess I could just get into the Tonight Show. Please. It was quite a time over there. I went over and shot. What's that? I just want to say the clinker is your Netflix.

So it's just going to keep pouring in. It's not like it's over. Yeah. Hopefully it keeps dangling and dangling. Keep spreading the word. Tell everybody you know, because a lot of people, the podcast is probably not for them. Yeah. This is a niche group over here.

Oh, yeah. A few gooks. Some people might listen and go, what is this? This is horrible. I can't be part of this. Yeah. But the stand up, you can go go say, hey, check it out. Maybe they can come see and then they don't, you know what I mean?

Yeah. Yeah. But like some of the albums I listened to, I'm like, I don't want to hear this album. The album sticks. I want to hear that album. Yeah. But there's some dweeb in Bangladesh who's going to see your Netflix in four years ago. I like this guy.

Yeah. Hopefully. That's exciting. As you're, I don't want to get too businessy, but has the gig started rolling in? Well, my calendar is pretty full as it is, as were. I think they were, my agent was using it before. Oh, smart age. We got a hot Netflix.

You're going to want to get on in this business. Yeah. So it's been exciting. But anyway, so the Tonight Show was Thursday shooting the second show, which is, so it airs Friday, 8 p.m. taping, which is kind of nice because usually when you do a late night, you're shooting at fucking two in the afternoon. Yeah. I like the two.

Really? Yeah. I want to get, because it's not too early. So you knock it out in the day, then you got the night to jizz. Well, that's nice. But from an audience standpoint, now I'm doing comedy at a normal time. Oh, that's interesting. I'm going on stage at 8.50.

It's like a regular spot time. It's a real show. It's kind of nice. And then the crowd is also in that position. They went out and did their thing. So it's pretty exciting. As you know, you go there. The 30 Rock, I came with that.

Gary Veter came with me, met me at the house. I came straight from therapy. I went to a day therapy session before the late night. Get it all out. Good way to do it. Yeah. We really talked about it. I'm like, you know, I'm anxious.

He's like, so what? You live your whole life with anxiety. What difference does it make? Man, he's good. I'm like, he's like, you had anxiety attack on Conan, and it was fine. So who cares? I'm like, you kind of have that moment of like, I guess you're right. Yeah.

What am I going to worry about? He's got a point. Big L. They're a hot crowd, all that stuff. But it is frustrating. I had this experience a lot where people were like, boy, what a week you're having. I'm like, I know I'm anxious. They're like, why?

Oh, yeah. I'm like, you can't wrap your head around why I might be anxious with a special coming out and a tonight show. You don't see why it might be nerve wracking to do the tonight show. I don't understand these people. What are they talking about? What do they get anxious about? I guess when you're just removed, you just go, how about what?

You're going to be fine. You're successful. You're making money. You're on TV. This is all you wanted. But that's why it's scary, because these are important things to be adoosh. Yeah, it's nerve wracking. Of course, I'm nervous.

Yeah. It's television. Ah, bananas. And it's the tonight show. Yeah, it's a big show. Dirty Rock. Fallon. Steve Allen.

Jack Parr. Sullivan. Jay Leno. No, he was the other one. He was CBS. Gah. He got a theater named after him. That's right.

Ed Sullivan Theater. But anyways, so he did it, and the theater came over. We rode the car together, which is always weird too, because I live in Queens. We're taking this big SUV. They pick you up. Yeah. And you're just sitting in traffic on the Queens. That's true.

Yeah. It's like a real bridge. I always think that. And I'm like, the subway would have taken me 11 minutes. Exactly. Like, I would have been there 45 minutes ago. Right. But what can you do?

It's fun to have the car. It's fun to have the car. You get the water bottle. Veter's in there. His feet don't hit the floor. And it's exciting. It's really fun. And, you know, he's got some exciting things going on.

Oh, does he? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's about time, because, you know, showbiz, like a roller coaster. He can't get on. It's too short. You got to know him. I'm too inside here.

No, people know Veter. All right. If you don't know Veter, know Veter. Please know Veter. He needs it. He's got a Colbert. Yes. And a Conan.

Yes. And a dog and a wife. And he's also in Game of Thrones. Let's go for a little people. Oh, yeah. It was a stretch. He could use a stretch. Yeah.

There we go. But anyways, we're in the car. We go in the traffic. We get there. And on Sarah, my beautiful wife is waiting outside, which is exciting. Outside of 30. Inside of 30 Rock. And there's a bunch of like autograph seekers sitting there.

And it's fun because like the car pulls up and Veter walks out. And he's like, it's not me. It's the other guy. Oh, who's the other guy? And then I come around. So they get like a double disappointment. That's fun. Like, ah, ah, ah.

Yeah. Meet up with Sarah. We go up. It's me and Sarah and Veter. And then my manager and agent get there. Michael Cox is there, the producer. It's all fun. We're in a tiny little room.

And Seth Herzog comes over. Oh, the warm up. He does warm up. I think he writes for the show as well. Well, that's in quotations. He comes by. We're all hanging out. It's fun.

We're in the tiny room. And it's kind of exciting. You got an hour before the show. Yeah. So you're not too nervous yet. Because you're like, well, I'm not going on for quite a while. And you're getting to know each other. Sarah's sister comes.

Then my manager and agent show up. And then Greg Stone comes over. Whoa. Did you invite him or is he just cleaning? He's invited. He came over. We were all crammed into one room. It's my manager, my agent, my sister-in-law, my wife, my Veter and Stone.

It's a tiny little green room in there. And it's jammed in with furniture. And you get some pretty good swag, if I may say so. I believe it's swag. I kept saying swag. Swag is bad weed. Yeah. Well, that was bad weed in my room.

Swag is bad. With Veter around. He was there for my too. Also bad weed. Yeah. You told me the difference between swag and swag. So he corrected you. He did.

Interesting. Well, I'm glad you thought it was swag as well. Maybe we're just putting a little Yiddish on it. I like Yidds. Yeah, me too. Veter. Gary Yiddler. Yeah.

Something, I guess. I'm a Yiddler. But anyways, I can't enjoy all the stuff, though, because you're getting ready to go on. So I don't want to eat. Oh. But then I get those nervous farts. Yes. And there's like seven of us in a room.

It's like kids in a phone booth. Right. And I'm just ripping like cancer farts. Really horrific. Everyone's getting mad. And I'm like, don't shame me. This is my big day. Yes.

And so literally like everybody leaves. And then Cox comes over, he's like, Fallon's going to come by and he likes to say hello and all this stuff. And the cancer ward. And so I'm just ripping him. Yeah. And I felt like I could see it on his face. I mean, I just felt like.

Well, he's so drunk. It might have been the makeup. I don't know. But I felt like he could sense my fart and I felt bad. But he was really nice. And then the show starts and it's Jim Jeffries is on the show. What? He comes over.

I didn't know that. Oh yeah, he came over. He had a couple of cocktails. He's got a beer and he's like, ah, I'm a little lit. And he gave me a big hug because Sam told him to come over and say hello. That's not the Jeffries I know. So he came over. He's in his like three piece suit and having a couple of beers and he's fun.

He comes over. He's like, let's get some bevvies after the show. And which is fun. You know, it's great. Yeah. Everyone's coming by and Tyler Perry was on the show. Jesus. The comedy three.

Yeah. I saw him today actually. Oh, that was a funny joke. Fallon had. He said this show has, we got three comedians on the show and they're all played by Tyler Perry. That's good. Yeah.

And so that was all exciting. And then the show starts, then you start to get those nerves. You put the suit on, put my pajama top on. You fucking idiot. Oh, $200 shirt. You cooks. Put my suit on and now it's like, now it's game time. It's exciting.

We did the run through all that business. Jeffries is on and he's having, he's killing, you know, and then they take all your people and they put them out in the crowd. Like, all right, we got to leave you now. Yeah. There's that weird feeling. You feel like a child. Well, you're like, no, don't leave.

Right. I need you. And then you get that off and that's when it starts to really hit you. You start feeling it in the belly area, the ball sack, the belly. Yes. Yes. And then you get that attack of what if you flub? What if you bomb?

What if you forget? What if it doesn't go well? What if they hate you? Yeah. And I'm doing that thing where I just keep going through the jokes. In my head, I'm like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, like I'm saying it. I did too. But then I'm like, I don't do this for any show ever.

Ah, you're right. So I'm like, just stop doing that because that's going to fuck you up. Of course. Just, you know the jokes. You're sitting going Starbucks, Jizz, Applebee's, wife, dad, anal. But yeah, you're right. You never do that. Yeah.

So I go, stop doing that. Just go out there. Man, there's a bullet board or whatever you call it. Yeah. They got a bullet board. Bullet points. Points. Yes.

I sound like Chris Hardwick. Points. So we go out, never start, never invited me on. What are you going to do? Not a great show. And it's over now. Great. So it's time to go.

And then Seth was like the last guy. So he's like, have fun. And I was like, great. Thank you. And then you go out there. And it's very exciting. You can hear the announcement and the whole thing. And then you have that moment of like, this is crazy.

What am I doing? I know. This is insane. I don't belong here. I'm in the middle of Manhattan, the middle of 30 Rock at the fucking Tonight Show. Behind the curtain. This is it. That doesn't make sense.

And you think about yourself as a child. Yes. Like crying in kindergarten. Like literally like they were like pushing me into kindergarten. I was like, oh, yeah. The whole thing. It's a similar feeling. Look at that five head.

Yeah. It's like a, it's a scary feeling. But you go, I got to go out there. I'm already here. And then you go out and that crowd was hot. They're hot, baby. They're hot. You know, wave to Jimmy.

I see Jim Jefferies over there. It's like, you know, two comedians sitting there. Which is crazy. Three really. And I got a bunch up. Well, Tyler Perry had left. He flew home or whatever. He's busy.

Although I saw him today at Sirius Radio. Oh, cool. It's not Stern today too. Oh, he's weird looking in person. He's real big and weird. He's like a big witch. Kate Maro was there. Oh, she's something.

She is something. Broke back. Oh yeah. I'll break it. Who else was over there? I saw a bunch of celebs. Anyways, it doesn't matter. But then you go out there and it's exciting and the set was good.

I felt like I was in it and I was just like, just stay in it. Enjoy it. At one point. No flub, by the way. No flub. At some point, someone yelled out. I was doing the workout joke where I got rar. And some woman goes brrr.

I didn't get that. In the middle of my set. You can listen back to it. Oh, wow. I was like, and I thought about addressing it for a moment. But I was like, don't do it. Just keep moving. Wow.

But I guess someone was heckling the show earlier. Because Vicky, my sister-in-law, was in there and like they had to go talk to him. They were like, you got to stop yelling out. Oh, well, whoa, boy. But I think the eight o'clock show, you got a couple of booze bags. Yeah, I guess so. They get a little pre-cock. But it was pretty great.

And then, Jeffries, I can hear him a couple times. Giggle? Well, not giggle. He goes, oh, that's good, mate. That's funny. But I can hear him talking. The part of me is like, hey, what are you doing quiet down over there? But you can hear him just being like, oh, that's great.

That's great. He's yelling. So that was exciting. You can hear Jimmy laugh. The band's laughing. And I looked up at one point. I could see stone. This is so exciting.

Oh, it's exciting. You can see your people up there. And it was exciting. And then you finish the set. And then Jimmy comes over. He's pointing to the crowd. And they're all standing. Yes.

This is crazy. And they got a shot of that. Thank god. The world is to see them standing. Yeah, it was pretty cool. So that was exciting. And then before you know it, it's over. Jimmy comes over.

He says something. The band is playing. And then Jeffries comes over. He says something. But the band is playing. The crowd is cheering. So I don't know what anybody said. Oh, that sucks.

And then what's so amazing, it's similar to being on the road. You finish. And within 40 seconds, you're 100% by yourself in a green room, dead silence. Yeah. Because the people have to, your friends have to come like back down the stairs and file out and the whole thing. Yeah. So literally like you can faintly in the back here like.

Right. And I'm just sitting there. You're like, well, this is bizarre. It's very strange. It's strange. Here I am. It's like you just fought a prize fight. Biggest mode of your life.

And now you're just sitting there on the toilet. And it's so weird too. Because especially there, you come in one way and leave another way. So it's like you just did a little loop and stop for five minutes. Right. All this build up your whole life, all the work. You walk in this door. You come out.

You talk for five minutes. You hush out this other door and come back around. And then you're back in the same spot. I'm like, I was here seven minutes ago. But hey, you know what? Let's not focus on that. It was great. No, it's interesting.

I'm saying. Okay. I thought you were getting sad on it. I'm saying it's so fascinating. It's amazing. This whole whirlwind and then boom, you're back. Yeah. And I'm like, I was sitting here petrified seven minutes ago.

Now it's a completely different feeling. Same outfit. Same person. Same life. And you're like, well, back to life. Back to zero. And then everyone comes down and Sarah's, you know, crying. And Peter's got a boner and stone left.

And yeah, very exciting. Everyone's hugging and kissing and stone chase. Tyler Perry. Give me work. It's quite a, quite a thrill. And then we all went to this place called pasta lovers. I didn't make a plan for after because I don't want to even think about it. Let me just focus on this.

Yeah. It's a nearest restaurant pasta lovers right on right by serious radio. We all walk over there. It's like a Times Square tourist trap. So there's nobody even in there. It's like quarter 10. The six of us, we sat there. We talked about how great millennia is and how cool Wolf is and a little bit of me,

of course, too. All right. And the whole thing was up in arms over and out. Suck my dick. Call it a love story. Thank you, Michael Cox. Thank you, Jimmy. Thank you.

Everybody that listened wrote a nice thing. Everyone that's ever supported me, booked me. Everyone. I love you. It was great. Wow. All right. What a stuff.

What was Jeffrey's like? Was he fun? I mean, I didn't get to talk to him too much. He came over. He gave me a hug. He was like, he's like, I'm running out of stories. I keep coming on TV. He's like, I don't even know what to say anymore.

Right. You know, but who knows? Blah, blah, blah. Yeah. But I mean, he was just kind of in and out. He had to go on, too. He's doing the tiny show, too. Right, right.

And then afterwards, he's like, we're going to go to this bar if you want to get some beverages. I don't, you know, Sarah and I don't drink. Right. The six of us. Yeah. He had a couple of people. So it was like, I don't want to be meeting people. Right.

If I drank, it would be different. Man, I'm just so jealous because everybody who does like Conan, Sam did Conan once with Burr. Yeah. You've done tonight's show with, I got like Snooki. I got Michelle Pfeiffer, which is kind of cool. I'm not going to fuck her. Yeah.

You know, so like, I got to get, I want some comics. Yeah. This is the first time I had comics. Becky Owen did Conan with a tell. Oh my God. How amazing is that? They're like friends. Yeah.

So he's a legend and a friend. Yeah. Man. That must be nice. Yeah. It was pretty, pretty exciting. And then the Netflix thing has been insane. Also, I've added, you know, 1500 Twitter followers, Instagram followers, all these people messaged.

It's just been unbelievable. Are you getting a lot of Never Heardie before? Now I'm a fan. Yeah. New fan. New fan. Blah, blah, blah, blah. But it's so many are from podcast people.

Yeah. Tuesdays. Which feels good because it feels like you're invested. Check your on this ride together. Right. It feels really cool. I appreciate you guys all being a part of it. It's been amazing.

Our Jews are so great because a lot of them either were with us from the beginning or if they found us later, they're like, I'm going all the way back. Right, right. And they go all the way back. So now they know the whole anal. Yeah. It's very exciting. So that's been amazing and I don't know.

You did great. And I feel like a chump because I texted you because I was like, oh yeah, he's doing the night show. Everybody's talking about it. So I'm like, hey, you know, it's like two o'clock. I'm like, it's going to be great. They're going to love it. And you're like, oh, I did it yesterday.

I'm wearing it today. Oh, yeah. God, shit, I suck. That was a nice day. There's nothing better. Well, you don't suck. I appreciate the reach out. But I could have gotten a day early.

Well, what are you going to do? No big whoop. That was the best day because the day after late night is the best day in the world. Oh, yeah. Except everyone was working or out of town. Right. I'm like, this is going to be great. I'm going to sleep in.

I'm going to take a steam. But then by three o'clock, I'm like, well, I wish someone was around. Yeah. Also, when I did mine, I went out with a bunch of industry after, which is a huge mistake. Agent, manager, publicist, we're all at this big fancy dinner. I'm like, what am I doing here? Yeah. Well, Soder did Conan one time by himself.

He was just like, let me just focus. He was in LA. So most of his friends are back in New York. And he's against the worst mistake I ever did. I'm like, boy, that would have flown out for God's sakes. Yeah. I guess so. Being back here by yourself, you need somebody.

Oh, man, when I did Conan the night before I had no one, then I was like, what am I doing? I texted Vecchio and I texted Morve. I texted a bunch of guys and it filled up. Yeah. And happiness is only real when shared with others. See, I'm a big douche when it comes to like, I like having a repertoire. You know, I like going on YouTube and seeing all my shit. And I feel good.

Like, oh, look what I've done. Yes. And that's what I get out of these. I mean, the Tonight Show is fun. Conan's fun. But I like having that peace boom out there in the world. Yeah. Well, it's not.

Yeah. I got to add this to my website and stuff. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's exciting, man. It's fucking. I feel good to have these things that people can't, they can't take it away. Yes. These Twitter trolls and the Facebook people and whoever else.

Exactly. Your dad and your grandmother, whatever. You did it. It's like I walked into an open mic 18 years ago and you walked in and you literally started at the very bottom. Sing it, sister. There was a point where there was not one person below us. Yes.

Literally nobody. Not a person. I walked up to a stranger and went, I'd like to be a comedian. Okay. I put your name on the thing. You fucking idiot. Right. And then you kind of fast forward through all this time and on the road and in condos

and we don't headline you. You can't headline. Yes. You can't do this. And rejection. You can't work here. Did you get my email? I never heard of you.

Blow me. Can I get a buck? Fuck you. You got to pay your way out. You're sleeping on the floor. I'll take it. E-mailing clubs. The whole thing.

Yeah. So much. And it's pretty, it's pretty amazing and to just be like, I did it. I don't even know how I did it. I don't know how I got here. I don't know what allowed me to even try to do this to think that I would be able to do it. Yeah.

But to do it, it's, it feels, it feels pretty good. And that's really the, the, the, the crutch of it is the, the crutch of it is the whole, hey man, you work an hour a night. Must be nice. Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty great. But I gave up 10 years of my life and I failed and he was humiliated.

I would be in the shower and Milwaukee and a red roof in going, ah, why'd you say that? You fucking idiot. Ah, that guy, that's why that guy booed you. You suck. You should quit. And then, and then keep going and keep going and try a new joke and bomb and bomb and maybe one clicks. Boom.

All right. Now I got one minute of material. Great. And now you're here. Yeah. You also have no insurance, no job security. Yeah. And there's no home or, you know, dog or pants.

Yeah. Losing your friend, missing your friend's weddings and you don't have a kid and all this shit. All that shit you love. So it's just been exciting. But anyways, let's get, I want to get back to the fucking podcast. I'm sure there's somebody that I fucking hope dies soon that I bumped into. Oh, let me say this and then we'll, I want to transition over to where you've been because you've been all over the fucking road here.

Oh my God. So much. Too much. Let me just throw this. This is going to be a two-parter everybody. Yeah. Yeah. But let me just throw this in your asshole and see if it smells.

I go to the movies. I had Saturday night off because Thursday I want to get into the later on. I want to get into the watching the tonight show too because that was quite a 10. Quite a night. The next night. But so Saturday night I had it off. So Thursday you tape Friday it's airing and I was working. So it was a crazy thing.

I'll talk about that later. But then Saturday I had nothing to do. Date day, date night, Saturday. We walked 25,000 steps and we went all over the city. Just walking. We went and saw this movie called Unsane by Steven Soderbergh. Oh, Big Soderh. Yeah.

It was an episode where I'm hanging out with him at one point. But anyways, he shot a movie all on an iPhone. It's a creepy cool movie. We're having date night. We're eating popcorn. We're blowing each other. Who walks out? Robert Kelly.

Wow. Was it a widescreen? It was a big widescreen. Wait. You didn't know? I didn't know. He's in the movie. And he's in the movie a bunch.

Wow. He could act. Multiple scenes. Great actor. Killer comic. Great at marrying people. Yep. Go check out Unsane.

I mean, it doesn't matter. I mean, it's not like he's getting residuals or whatever. Sure. Paid whatever. He's great in the movie. He's in the bun. He's been in about eight scenes. He's probably got about four minutes of screen time.

Man, you must have spilled your popcorn. I went crazy. I was like, this motherfucker married us. Everyone went shh. And it was exciting. So go check it out. It's a pretty good movie. Wow.

That is cool. Yeah. So Robert Kelly, I love you. And you give him a big fat text? Big fat text. Saturday night, I just watched you on the big screen. It was such a thrill. I love you.

How amazing. And he wrote back, you know, who is this? Yeah. Yeah. But pretty cool. Go check it out. Man, that's wild. Bobby Kelly.

Check him out. He's got a decent podcast called Come Town. All right, boy. Well, we last left off. I was in the great city of Angels. La La Land. Yes. Los Angeles just wrapped up a big fat Conan, the Barbarian.

I gotta tell you, I was just doing sets all over LA. And just like you, you did this night show. You go to a set, mediocre. The night I did Conan, I got booked at the Soho House in Beverly, or in West Hollywood. They got a Soho? They got Soho's everywhere. No kidding.

And this is Swanky. And, you know, the Soho House in New York is Swanky, but the Soho House in LA is like Giselle, you know, Clooney. This is like the big deal here. No kidding. And I get there and it's just Ferraris, Maserati's and like eight foot tall models with legs and heels and cleave, the whole thing.

I feel like a bridge troll going in this place. So, I get there. This is a classic LA fuck you thing. I get there. Show starts at eight. I get there about 8.15. Show hasn't started. The hot guy host looks like one of the Helmridge, Helmbridge.

What are those? Hemorrhoid. Hemrike. No shit. Helmsworth. Helmsworth. Yes, yes. He's hemorrhaging.

Chris. Yes. So he's got like a ponytail thing and then he's got a blazer on. And he goes, hey man, none of the other comics are here. Do you mind going first? And so of course you go, god damn it, jeez, I'm going first. I just did Conan today. Can I get a little clout?

Yes. A little? I was on the Warner Brothers lot two hours ago. Conan bullet. Yes. So I go, all right, I guess what can I say? I'm only the only guy here. So he goes, I'll do some time up front that I'll bring you up.

All right, please do some time. So it's all these hot people and they're all, they don't care. And they're all drinking their snazzy cocktails and the whole thing. Love a snazzy cock. He goes up and he goes, hey everybody, what's shaking? Nice day out today. Here's your first comedian. Like literally.

No. No warmth. No warmth. Brutal. Lukewarm even. Less than Luke. No Luke. So I just go up and I'm by and they're like, who, uh-huh.

And you know, I like, I do 20 minutes and the first 10 is wasted. So I'm like, all right, well, welcome back to reality. Conan's over and I get off. And who do I see? Old Ally Wong. Oh, no kidding. I haven't seen Wong since the Brooklyn days. Yeah, not so old.

No, she's, she's great in Asian, don't crack. Oh, you meant old. Oh. Oh, well, apostrophe. That's different than old. Yeah, old. Old is like, you know. Yeah.

Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Old is like, oh. Oh. Ye old. Yeah, yeah. Ye old in.

So I go, hey, Ally Wong. She goes, what shake? And we do a little fist bump. She goes up. The place goes nuts. People love Ally Wong. She's a hit. They know her.

I just know her as this cute little Asian who talks about her cunt. And she goes up and there's like, oh my God, we love you so much. And she goes up and talks about the whole me too thing and murders. And I had that, just that shame of like, I could have tried harder. What am I doing? I was heading some Conan confidence and I hate myself. So she kills. So then she gets off and she's a huge star.

You know when you're, you know somebody and then they blow up and you're like, can I talk to them? Are we still cool? Yeah. You have that weird moment. So I just go up to her. Hey, let's go outside. We actually talked like a human being. It was very nice.

Of course. Yeah. I just get in my head and she's just cool as shit. She's got the wrong idea. Aha. You got that wrong. And so I go, yeah, we just chat outside and, you know, she's Asian round. The whole thing.

And good times. And she leaves. We both go to the comedy store. They got something special going on there. Oh, yeah. It's a special place. I mean, everything's sold out. One room I go, Joe Rogan's on stage.

The next room, earthquake is on stage. And in the other room, Sebastian Maniscalco. Wow. Earthquake, the comedian or the wrestler? The comedian. Okay. This is a wrestler? Oh, big time.

Big beard, blue shirt, wrestled with a typhoon. They were the natural disasters. Ooh. All right. Well, we'll get mudslide in there. He was the black one. So, yeah. So it's just, it's something special.

All the comics are waiting around. You know, you see your Theo Vaughns and your Delias and your juzzle necks. Just a great tie. It's a real scene. Yeah. Because like the seller is a spot, but I feel like, I don't know, the store had this. It was like oozing this like energy. Well, there's an aura.

It's haunted. It's definitely an aura. All that business. It's on the strip. Yes. It's cool right now. I think it's that building's missing. So you can kind of see right out.

See right out. And it has that window out onto sunset. You can just see. Yeah, pretty cool. And the whole patio's full of people drinking and yucking it up. And there's something going on over there. It's a good time. So I go out as I should not do.

I'm starting to get sick. Uh-oh. The Conan took it out of me and, you know, all the drinking and all the late nights. But I go, ah, fuck it. I'm in LA one more night. So I go way too hard and get drunk, drink with all these comics, pass out, wake up. I got like an hour before my flight, bust ass to the airport, get there, land in Spokane. Woo, baby.

Now, have you been to Spokane Club? I've never been there. I'm going there April 28th, folks. Oh, there we go. Now this is a pretty meth-y town, old blue collar town, steel town, the whole thing. But it's all done now. So now it's in there. Like all the jobs are gone.

Oh, that's done. Yes. So it's in this weird funk. There's no people there. I heard the N-word like a bunch. Really? Yeah, pretty wild. Like they're behind the times over there.

Now I'm hungover. I'm gay. I'm sick. I'm chugging airborne and emergency just to try to get back in. But I remember I got to the airport in LA and I stole a green juice and an odd walla. Pretty proud of myself for that. Well done. If there's any place to steal from, it's the airport.

Yeah, fuck them. They're really fucking us. Yeah, jet-boo, I say. Mm-hmm. All right. So fine, Spokane. We do two shows. I get drunk.

It's the whole thing. Then I fly to Tacoma. Love Tacoma. Tacoma is the hell of a town. Great club. I'll be there. April 25th, whatever the fuck. Real upgrade from Spokane.

No offense. Spokane had some good times and nice people. But Tacoma is like paradise. Wow, that's the best. Spokane's got some problems with Tacoma's paradise. Well, you know, when I used to live in Brooklyn, I moved from Crown Heights to Bushwick. And Bushwick was heaven on earth compared to Crown Heights. Really?

And that's how I compare these two. Okay, all right. Yeah, so get to Tacoma. Great time. The lady flies out. She was in Seattle seeing her friend. Well, she's a real bounder. Bounder?

A bounder. She's out there. She bounds around. She's coming to China. She's in LA. She's in Tacoma. She'll jet set. Yeah.

She wants to get out. She's got a lot of energy. She's a mover and a shaker. Uh-huh. So she comes out. She's a shaker? Err. Err.

Yeah. So she comes out and we have a good time. Then we just do all up of Tacoma. By the way, Tacoma, the first show I had. Unreal. I had the set of my life. It was just something clicked. I like that club.

Good club. Good people. Well run. Tony's the man. He's the manager. Cute little guy. About 4-1. Great dude.

Got his nose broken. Trying to kick out a heckler. Boy, I love that. Yeah. Tell every comedian that comes in. They'll love him forever. That's the first thing he told me. I hugged him and then blew him.

So then, great show. Second show. Bah! Ooh. That's what they do in Spokane and Tacoma. You do Thursday, Friday, Spokane, Saturday, Sunday, Tacoma. Yeah. I'm doing the reverse of that.

Oh, interesting. Someone's got to be doing the reverse on the other side. Yeah. You might leave on a low note. I don't mind a low note. Well, I'm staying for a couple of extra days to hang out with Derek and the family. Ooh. That'll be a high.

There's a child named after me out there for good sex. You got to talk to him. Yeah. All right. Number 4 to that. His name's Five Head. So, yeah. Just fuck it.

Bomb. Whatever. What are you going to do? So we go out and we get bombed. I got a cut back on the booze. Now I'm getting really sick. Me and her banging in the hotel. The whole thing.

Next day, we're like, let's go do up Tacoma. So we go to the car museum. The Tacoma car museum is pretty swanky. It's five floors of cars. Wow. It's pretty wild. It took some photos. They got everything.

They talk about how the car, the first car, how the car was invented. All the way up to, you know, today. And it's pretty funny because it's like the 60s were crazy cool. Then the 70s were fun. The 80s were like DeLorean. 90s, whatever the hell. Like the 50 Mustang. And then now it's like Prius.

Yeah. Yeah. That's style now. Yeah, exactly. So it's weird how it all flips and flops. And just. Like a dick. Yeah.

Good point. Good times. Did all of Tacoma. Go back. Do some shows. Do some news gays in Tacoma. They all came out. So the next day, now the whole reason I haven't been in New York in eight years is because

I've been doing the shoot for Comedy Central. I didn't want to say anything. All right. This kid believes in me at Comedy Central and he's like, we're going to shoot a pilot. Because at one time we got drunk and I told him about how I don't book a place to stay. Yeah. And I just go out and find it. And he's like, that's a TV show.

Oh boy. So he wrote, we wrote a script together and he's like, let's just shoot it. So we're like, all right, great. So we got all this money together. He works at Comedy Central. Real shoot, real production. It's in Nashville because we're going to do different cities. So the first one we shoot is in Nashville.

So I got to fly out from Tacoma to Nashville the next day. I go out again. Way too hungover. Get to the airport. That guy hooked me up with first class. Wow. I couldn't believe it. Six hour flight.

I was so hungover. Oh my God. But I hate myself. First class. What a guy. Thank you, Lucas. You're a bench. That way, Luke.

Great town. What a city. Fun city. Yes. The wooing gets a little annoying. The wooing. Woo. All the girls in the bikes.

Yeah. All the dicks on their head. Woo. Yeah. Like I ride it right with the wooing. It's a bachelorette town. It's the bachelorette capital of the world. It's got to be.

It is. So yeah, there is a lot of wooing, but at least you get to see a lady in a boa puke. Yeah, the jean shorts with the pockets coming out. That's kind of fun. Love a pocket. Although I don't really love shorts and boots. Oh, bring it on. If the Nazis had shorts, it would have been a little more tolerable.

They had a similar thing to short. They had the baggie that tucked into the boot. What was that? With the nicker. That big old thigh thing they had. I think that was a nicker and then they had a boot. Easy. I don't know.

Oh boy, a nicker please. A nicker filiac. By the way, Shelby Dove for the microphone when we brought up Nazis, you got some little inside info there, Shelby? You're talking about Lederhosen? No. Lederhosen. The Lederhosen Riverfest.

That's Holmesworth's cousin. I'm talking about those big, you know the bulgy military thine? Yeah, the baggie pants, baggie up top, boot on bottom. Yeah, real taper. Yeah. I don't know. I think it was just Nazi pants, an MP. I guess.

But what the fuck was in there? It was like they had a couple socks on their arms and they're left. Who are the Nazis? These guys, they're not practical. I don't know, it was all the foreskins. They collected somethings goin' on in there. If you ask me, they're bad people. That's what I say.

Ah, I'll give them a chance. But yeah, so... That's all we're sayin'. So, where the hell am I? Oh, I'm in Nashville, so I landed in Nashville. Now I get the whole day. I landed in Nashville. It's, you know, three in the afternoon.

They put me in a swanky hotel called the Thompson Hotel. I'm in the Gulch. The Gulch. That's the cool neighborhood in Nashville. Oh, it sounds terrifying. It does. It sounds like the Gooch. You know what the Gooch is?

No, I don't know what the Gooch is. That's what some people call the Taint. Oh, really? Well, in the south, we called it the Gooch. No kidding. Yeah. We just called it Delicious. Hey.

So, uh, I go out and I go... I hit up Zanies. I go, what's shakin' at Zanies? You know, I hit the comedy club and they say, well, nothing much here, but there's two open mics around town. I go, fuck it. I'll go to the open mic.

They go, all right, well, there's one at eight and there's one at 10. Perfect. So, I'm sick as a dog. I'm blowin' my nose. I go to this open mic with Lucy, who's the manager of Zanies. She just likes comedy.

She's like, I'll take ya. Wow. She takes me. Sweet as pie. We get to this first thing. It's at a bar. There's about 12 comics there. Two real people.

One guy's homeless. It's like a classic shithole dive mic. Then they got the guy on stage who's like the... It's funny. Every town has their archetypes. You got the drunk guy. You got the hipster chick with blue hair. You got the Bill Hicks ripoff.

You got the black guy who's really, you know, energetic. That's the gay guy and then the fat guy. That's all the same shit. Now, is there still a dang cook bouncing around or not so much anymore? Not so much. That's faded.

Yeah. Because in the mid-2000s, every single town, there was two guys doing backflips on the stage and a handstand. Now, you got the Bill Burry. You got the dude. Can you believe this shit? I mean, come on.

Right? You know, you got that guy. You got the San Hope guy with the beer in his hand, the cigarette. Pontificating. So, you got the Chappelle guy who sits down when he doesn't deserve to sit down. Yeah.

People tapping that mic. Yeah. And then the host goes up. The older guy, bald guy, and he's just doing, like, comedy's an art form. He's that guy. Yeah. And he's like, I still run the mic because I believe

in real con. You're like, oh, man, this is so classic. Oh, boy. It's always more meaningful if you just don't say that, but just do that. Yeah, well. No offense to that guy. They want you to know, you know?

Yeah. So, I go up. I do OK. I really tried some new. It wasn't great. But you could tell everybody's like, what's he going to say? And then I kind of did OK.

Yeah. And then this kid went on after me, squirrely kid, all black, long black hair, skinny as a rail, and then he goes, bomb, joke, joke, joke, one liner, one liner, had a couple things. And he goes, also, I'm going to kill Mark Normand. Oh, jeez. And it was like, what the fuck?

You know, because this kid looks like a kook. Yeah. And I was like, everybody looked at me, and I was like, I didn't know what to do. And he's like, you're dead. I'm going to kill you. And he looked kind of gothy. Oh, my gosh.

So, I was just like, all right. Well, this is a new one. You know, whatever. Is this Closer? Yeah, Closer. And then he got off, and the host went on, like, oh, don't worry about him. He's nuts.

And I was like, well, now I'm even more worried. You know, apparently he's definitely nuts. And so I'm just sitting there. And I forget all about it. Then he comes up to me later. I'm like, oh, hey. He just sidles up. And he's like, some of the comics told me I shouldn't have said that.

But I just want you to know I'm not going to kill you. You know, classic nut weirdo kid. Yeah. And I was like, yeah, no problem. I figured you were joking. And he's like, so how long have you been doing it? I'm not going to just chat with you now. So I got the hell out of there.

I went to the second mic. Guess who shows up? Squirrely. Yes. Oh, God. So he's there. And I go, it's at this little improv theater. And I go off to go pee, open the door.

He's right there. And he's like, what's your process? And I was like, oh, so this kid's clearly like maybe a fan or just like a guy who's enthralled with someone who's done television or something. OK, all right. I was still like, I don't want to talk to you. You're fucking terrifying. Yeah.

You threatened me. I know. But that was his way of being like, you make me nervous. I don't know. He's the kid who killed the class pet. Yeah. His kid. I don't like this.

No, no one likes it. And people saw me talking to him. They're like, oh, fuck, poor guy. And I was like, help me. Jesus Christ. Yeah. I mean, I could have taken him. I'm just saying it's still a little eerie.

Yeah. But what if he's got a gun? You never know. A gun. It's something. A knife in the boot, an old skull, something. A shiv. Yes.

Shilbo. All right. So the second mic goes well. There's real people there. I had fans come out to the mic, which feels good. Wow. I close them, go to this mic, and people are like, oh, I'll go to that.

Well, that feels really good. So Nashville goes great. We do the shoot. The shoot was awesome. We got these actors, local actors. They were all great. We did a whole thing. We danced on stage at a bar.

We went to the Zainis for the final shoot. I have to do a set. Packed house. Tuesdays came out to that. Nate Barghetti is running a Tonight Show set. Oh, Redstead Nate. Speaking of Tonight Show, so he says, hey, I'll run a set on your little weird dumb TV thing.

I said, great. Come by. So Nate comes by. We chat. It's like old times. We're bullshitting and riffing and raffing and busting balls. And so I go, hey, Nate, there's an open mic after that. He's like, will you stop?

Gee, you know how Nate gets. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, just come on. So first of all, Tonight Show set is bananas. It's like, this has got to be his best set. It's so good. Oh, I can't wait. April.

He is so good. He'll be here first week of April, folks. Go to Carolines on Broadway, April 6th and 7th and 8th, if you're here. Oh, I'll come hang out for that. Yeah, I'll be there the 8th with him. All right. Well, boy, you're the Carolines guy now. I'm the Carolines guy.

Another run with that. So we just shoot the shit. We're hanging out. He's not drinking. So we're chitin' and chattin'. We go to this next show. He goes up, killing. It is like a real altie bar show, but it's a good show.

And he's killing. And then they're like, you just go at the end because he's got to run. I was like, all right. So he gets off stage. We hug. We go, good to see you. He's rich. And he leaves.

I go up. Bomb. Big bomb. Come on. I'm getting in my head in these alt rooms. I used to be alt guy, scared of clubs. Now I'm club guy, scared of alt. So I got to get back out there into the bar scene.

Either way. So, leave Nashville. Go straight to Atlanta. Hot Atlanta. Hot. Not so hot though. Was it chilly? Chilly Atlanta.

Warm Atlanta. You hope for some southern heat, but you know, this fucking world is ending global anal. It's a whole thing. Yeah, it's some business. Yeah, so get a flight to Atlanta. First class again. Wow. Because these Comedy Central folk, they hook it up.

Yeah, yeah. And I had a real kerfuffle. What happened? So I'm in first class and of course I went out drinking like an idiot. Early flight. I'm hungover. I got the earbuds in. I got sunglasses on.

Hungover. And the guy comes up and he goes, we're serving a breakfast on the plane. I go, oh shit, they're serving a breakfast. This is great. So I go, yeah. Nashville to Atlanta, there's a breakfast? Yeah. Wow.

It was quick. What's this, Delta? Yes. Nobody better than Delta folks. Yeah. United's out there killing dogs. I hate United and throwing off Asians. Yeah.

Remember the noise that guy made? Once they're throwing off, they can eat the dead dog. That's nice. Oh, now we're talking. Yeah, I killed two birds with one gook. Ah, Jesus. Jesus. Alrighty.

I love you, Asia. All right, so the guy comes up and I got my earbuds in. I'm half hungover. I'm twice gay. I'm third removed and hard boiled. And he goes, hey, what are you having for breakfast? Pancakes and almonds. And I go, huh?

And I take out my earbud. I go, what? And he goes, we got pancakes and almonds. And I go, pancakes and almonds. So I thought in my head, like, and you can tell he's kind of like chop, chop. Let's go. So I'm panicking. I'm like, what the fuck would you serve almonds?

So I thought it was like some health thing. Oh. Like it was like a parfait with nuts. Yeah. So I go, well, give me the pancakes. What are you crazy? I don't want a bowl of almonds. What am I, a parrot?

Yeah. So I go, all right. So then I start looking around. He's bringing out all these delicious omelets. He said omelets. Oh, omelet. I thought he said almonds. Oh, you got a pancake instead of an omelet.

So I got a short stack full of retarded nothing with no syrup because now everybody's healthy. So they give you just pancake, no syrup. No syrup. Oh, it's a sand syrup pan. Oh, I'd rather blow my uncle twice on a Wednesday. Yeah, he'll even let you put syrup on his dick. You don't know my uncle. All right.

He ate syrup. Wow. Yeah, he's from New England. Interesting. A plain pancake? A plain pan. Did you put Pepsi on it or something? I thought about it.

You know, something sweetener. I put a little Splenda on there and spit on it. Come on, that thing. Yes, some sort of liquid, but nothing. So I'm looking around. I go, I don't want these pancakes. You eat four bites of a pancake. You're like, yeah, I got it.

So I'm looking, and they got sausage with it. It's like a dip it in and the egg is running and the cheese, you know, the string of cheese comes off when you pull the bite. Oh, so I go up to the guy and I go, you're going to kill me, man. I thought you said, oh, man. He was like, what? And this guy's a little grumpy. And so I'm already scared of him.

I thought you said, oh, man, he's like an old gay guy bald with the earring, you know. And I go, I thought you said, oh, man, can I get an omelette? I hate pancakes. And he goes, well, now we're out of omelettes. Oh, boy. And I go, oh, shit. I didn't even want pancakes. And he goes, let me see.

We got something in the back. The back omelette. So he goes to the back of the plane, goes through the curtain. I can tell he's going back there like, this fucking guy got pancakes. He wants an omelette now. So he comes back and he goes, this is all we got. Throws it down and it's still in the fucking foam with the plastic on top. And I go, oh, boy, what's this?

It's all, it's a runny frittata. Frittata, Nelly? I wish. This is just a stale old frittata from the Reagan years. What the hell's a frittata? It's like an omelette's gay cousin. It's like a retarded omelette. A frittatted omelette.

I guess so. Frittatted. I've never heard this term in my life. You've never heard of a frittata? No, but I don't go out. I heard Nelly frittato and I've heard of retardation, but never frittata. It's kind of high. And you know, you've heard of frittata and shellfish.

You say frittata, I say frittato. It's like a, you know, it's like a douchey. It's like what the panini is to the sandwich. It's a douchey omelette. Oh, OK. It's kind of a baked in, like almost like a little pie thing. I don't like any of it. I've been eating the almonds.

Yeah, I went. Well, now I wanted some almonds. Either way, had a good time. Almond joy. Ah! Where's the joy? Yeah, I had a mound of egg. So, got the hell to Atlanta.

Atlanta's the best. By the way, this hotel was so nice. I've been on the road for six months. I had to do laundry. $95 for the laundry service. That's absurd. Yeah, well, they dry cleaned. Oh, jeez.

I didn't want dry cleaning. I think they brought my panties back. They're all hung up. I was like, I've never hung a panty in my life. Yeah, I had that in Israel last year. Same thing. Yeah. Or Amsterdam.

Whatever the fuck it was. Yeah. Oh, by the way, I went to Prince's Fried Chicken in Nashville. Have you heard of this? No. That's like their cool, you know, like ghetto staple been there for years. And I kept saying, don't get the hot. Don't get the hot.

You'll shit blood. You'll have a miscarriage. It wasn't that bad. Yeah. Sometimes you go build stuff up. Oh, they build. This is what I like. Different strokes of different folks.

Yeah. I think it's a lot of scared whitey. You know, they're like, oh, one dip of hot sauce and all we call my aunt and propose. All right. So this I got to get in. I know we're running low here. I go to Atlanta Thursday show, Friday show, Saturday show, Sunday show. It's a long weekend, baby.

Get there on Thursday, laughing skull, sold it out every show. First, I've ever done that. Wow. Pretty good. It's the entire weekend. That's crazy. Six shows. It's a small room.

It holds 11 people. But still, I'll take it. It's six to six. Yes. That's not a background. One more six and I got Satan in my ass. So sold out Thursday, hot show, had a good set, did some new stuff. And then this douche in the green room goes, hey, hey, Rory Scoville's in town.

I love Rory. I love Rory too. He's a southern gent, hilarious comic. Check him out if you don't know him. Rory's in town. He's working on a secret project where he does a lot of riffing, I'll say. All right. All right.

So I go, well, I got to go check that out. So I text him, you know, it's fun because you have all these guys' numbers from the broke, poor, open mic days. And now they're all doing shit. You got your wongs, your roars. So I go, hey, Rory, I hear you at the relapse. Can you put me on the list? And he goes, open for me.

And you're like, ah, come on. What a guy. Wow. He's a riffing skull. We go straight to Rory's thing. It's sold out. He sold out every night. He's huge.

And I got to tell you, I went on. I had a good set and it's like big, booming theater laughs. You're like, man, I just killed here. I killed here. I'm unstoppable. And then Rory goes up, doesn't do a single written joke. I was how this guy is on another level. He's so funny.

We're sitting here trying to write clever shit. Oh, that's interesting. Oh, I'll look smart when I do this joke. I did no material and was way better than I've ever been killing. I was on the floor like, ah. You know when you see a whole audience in unison, bend over in laughter? Oh, yeah. It was something.

I mean, it was, you know, I was watching the show going, this is something special. This guy is a national treasure. I can't wait to see it. Yeah, he's amazing. He's such a sweet, good man. If you look at my Instagram, I posted some photos of the show. I don't know if I was supposed to do that. But at one point he took a tablecloth off a table and wore it as a cape and did a whole thing with that.

And that lasted 20 minutes. It was like Robin Williams. It was amazing. It was like Robin Williams without the arm hair. Yeah, I hope it ends better for Rory. Yeah, yeah. Well, get an Oscar at least. Uh-huh.

Jeannie. You heard Will Smith, the new Jeannie? No, I didn't hear that. Ah, shit. Cut that out, too. All right. I got some real inside shit. So Rory was amazing.

Saturday show, good show to the laughing skull. Everything was going great. Saturday show, another sell out. Woman in the front row, smoking hot, tall lady, leggy, super leggy, high heels. It's super annoying during the show. She's doing that thing where she's got her legs crossed so it's just all thigh as far as the eye can see. Oh, I love that. Love a thigh and she had a fig feather tattooed on her thigh.

I love a thigh tattoo. I think I talked about it before. I saw a woman one time with a lacy around the thigh with a revolver. She's like a gunner. What? It's the sexiest thing I've ever seen. I was with John again. We both jerked off on each other.

Who was that? Pussy Galore? I was in Nashville, I believe. Ah, she had a little two, what do you call it? Squirt gun? No. Sixth shooter. Sixth shooter.

Yeah. It was really some booty shorts with the thin. I was like, I told my wife, I'm like, I'll give you 100 bucks if you get that tattoo. Yeah, I'll chip in. You're going to pay for the tattoo, though. That's a tough one. Yeah, so she's just going, you know, every joke she's going, uh-huh. Yeah, and she's so hammered.

She keeps getting up to pee, and she walks across. She's so tall, she's hitting the spotlight. Ah, what? It's just ruining the show, you know? And she's got these giant legs. It's like an avatar, just going through like a giraffe. Ah, jeez. So, you know, I keep doing like, go to the bed and stay in there for a while.

Hope she falls asleep in there. Blah, blah, blah. You know, all these jokes. I picture her sitting on the toilet with her knees above her head. Yes, that was probably that. And so she keeps coming back, coming back. Eventually, she falls asleep. And I was like, all right, I got 20 minutes left.

She just keeps sleeping, you dumb whore. Oh, boy. So, uh, finally, she's got this big muscle-bound boyfriend. He's giving me like the, what are you going to do? Yeah. So, eventually, I'm going on with my act. Here we go. It's been a drunk night.

Everybody's been annoying me. I'm getting heckled. I'm getting yelled at. Everybody's drunk. She just wakes up like a, like a bat out of jizz. Wakes up, pukes all over the table. Oh, my God. Yack, a city.

Now, that's what I happen at the stress factory. And I think there's a correlation between public sleeping and public puking. If you see someone public sleeping, look out, because they got a public puke. Yeah, yeah. It was a pee-pee, for sure. And, uh, you know, it's not like somebody pukes and that's a wrap. It's a puke.

Oh. The people next to her going, ah, come on. Oh, you know, tables are falling over. Drinks are spilling because nobody wants to be near it. Yeah, it's like lard ass. Yes, it's just dripping all over the floor. Lard ass. Stand by me.

Ah, well, nobody was standing by this or her. And it was just, ah, ah. So now the whole shit and kaboodles all out of whack. Everybody's running a muck. So now I got to handle that. The 20 minutes left. I mean, how much time are you doing? I did four hours.

She got up into the bathroom four times. She fell asleep. Ampute? I'm doing a full hour. And so the whole first half hour is all the walking back. Ah, I got you. So I just started riffing. I was like, well, when you get a Russian model, a mail order bride,

they're going to get tousled around that box, you know, and they're going to be all nauseous. And I'm just trying to make the most out of lemon pukedade. Yeah. And a few nades. I guess the medication was making her nauseous. But yeah, it was, oh, it was bad. And then now the big muscle guy's going, I got it.

Now he's picking her up. And now we're trying to wiggle through the crowd with a fucking drunk rape victim under his arms. And I'm doing all these like, he's going to fuck her still. Don't you? But you know. And so that's when you're like, god damn, what am I doing with my life?

So, you know, you then you do 20 minutes on like, this is the career I've chosen. This doesn't happen at Hamilton, you know. Right. So then we leave there. That show ends. We go in the green room and the comics go, you know there's a big bar show down at Old Smith's ale house

or whatever. And I'm like, all right, well, let's go to that. So we go to that. That's a bunch of kids smoking weed. The room's packed. There's rumors Rory might show up, you know. So we go to that. And I'm half in the bag now.

I'm drunk. I'm out of my mind. And I'm just kind of in a mood now. I got the puke. I got the bad set. I hate myself. I get these guys go, oh, you want to go up next? I go, sure.

So I look out in the crowd and it's a bunch of hipster fucks. And I've been having these weird bar shows lately. So I kind of got angry. So I just start telling my jokes and they're going, oh, that's offensive. And I just went into them. Give them hell. I said, I don't think so.

You got to grow up. Fuck you and your PC bullshit. You're a bully. Blow me. You suck. And I got them. I want them back. All right.

I did my material and then got the hell out of there and drank more and then was hung over the next day. But, oh, geez, I didn't know it was this long. Sorry. I'm going to wrap it up here. I just want to say, apparently New Orleans has a weird Atlantic connection because a lot of my childhood friends came out to these shows.

Interesting. And I went to lunch with them all the next day. We like made a big plan. It was like, stand by me. We saw a dead body. So we all come out and we all had lunch. And it was an immediate connection. I mean, these guys I haven't seen for like 25 years,

literally. Wow. Or 20 years. About 25. This is elementary chums. And we all connected again. It was like old times and you saw like, oh, this is why we're friends.

It was beautiful. Because I feel like now we see a lot of comedians. You hang out with this guy, hang out with that guy. And you're like, you're only hanging out because you have the same job. Right. And it was like people you went to school with every day and chose to be friends with.

Interesting. And it was a beautiful thing. I was like, oh my God. Because, you know, at first you're kind of like, I don't want to go out to lunch with these guys. I haven't seen these guys in 20 years. We don't have anything in common. Right.

And then you're sitting there at lunch. You're laughing. You're having a great time. And we're not talking about comedy. We're just talking. Interesting. And it was a beautiful moment. Wow.

I can't imagine seeing my elementary school friends. Yeah. It was wild. And the same guys. It's all still in there. It's so funny. Interesting. I don't even remember elementary school friends.

Yeah. Holy shit. I forgot all about that. Like when we wrecked my dad's car and we got drunk and did this. It was crazy elementary school. Right. So, yeah, that was really cool. So I want to say shout out to Martinette, Swiggs, Tony,

the whole gang. Thanks for coming out. They all came to shows. And it's fun performing in front of them. Also, I went to MLK's birth home. Really? Pretty cool. It's in Atlanta.

No kidding. Yeah. Not a bad neighborhood, if I might say so myself. Wow. It's been gentrified, ironically. The house to get in is free, which I thought was appropriate. Hit it up. Hit it up.

It's a cute house. I'm like, ah, I would kill for a house like that. The dream house. Ah, he had one. Folks. Where are you going to be? Speaking of cool cities. I keep plugging the same dates.

Ann Arbor in April. Go check out the Netflix. It's out now. Yes. Streaming season two. Telefriend. And leave a nice comment on the tonight's show there. Moon Tower.

We're coming. We're coming in your ass. Don't we have a date? Thursday at somewhere. 8 o'clock. Ah, shit. We got the official date, and I texted it to you. It's the 27th.

Yeah, Thursday. Yeah, 8 o'clock at, uh, I have no idea. Raul Julia. Some kind of name like that. We'll figure it out. We're going to be there for sure. Don't worry. It's a guy's name, I think.

Connor McGregor. Something bar. Well, we'll be there. Yeah, we will, baby. We should probably find a guest or two to have on. Oh, yeah. A hot, hot fest down there. And then Tacoma.

I'm coming there. Woo! As you know. Side splitters. First weekend in May. Oh. And God, I'm, you know, I've been going there for fucking years. I'd love to sell some tickets.

I've been going there since fucking 2000. Thank you. 2005, 2006. So I'll be down there. Canner will be with me. And then Winnipeg. Rumors. I'll be there.

I think the third week in May. So if you're listening to Canna, Patrick Lyney, go up to Winnipeg. Rumors. Side splitters. I love you. Thank you so much for every single email, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook. I can't thank you enough. It really is, it means a lot to me.

I love you and thank you. I appreciate it. Yes. Thank you, everybody. I just handed Joe a Chipotle card from a fan. So we appreciate it. Keep them coming. Come see him live.

You see me. You see him. Do the whole anal. We'll say hello after if you're nice. And I'm going to be Baltimore, Acme in Minneapolis, Dayton, Ohio with Chris Allen, Levity Live in NIAC, Gotham Comedy Club in New York, Zanies in Chicago, Cluster Fest in San Francisco, Moontower. We got a live app at the underground.

Yes, May 7th. Thank you. May 7th. It's a Monday, I believe. I think it's a Tuesday. Maybe it is a Monday. Maybe it is a month. I think it's a month.

Is that an eight o'clock? It seems like that's a big hour to give us. It's a Monday, Monday, May 7th. Go to ComedySolar.com. Yeah, check it out. Hit us on Twitter. Sorry about the phone or some of you liked it. Blow me.

Don't make fun of his shirt. Well, keep making fun of it, but if it's a $200 shirt. That's one guy. He's a fucking idiot. All right. And thanks for everything. Praise Allah. We'll see you in hell.

Keep it real. Thank you.