Tuesdays with Stories! - #239 Red Gut

Episode Date: April 3, 2018

Holy moly, it's one of the hottest Tuesdays in recent memory as Joe tells us why he's done with Starbucks, Mark see's a kid have a seizure outside of a comedy club, and the Comedy Cellar comes together to watch Joe's appearance on the Tonight Show! Check it out! We're doing a LIVE pod with special guests at the Village Underground in NYC on May 7th! Reserve tickets here: http://www.comedycellar.com/ We now have WEEKLY bonus eps with Mark & Joe talking about whatever! Get on it! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download Go on iTunes and give the pod a #5StarLunch review!1

This is a Stand Up New York Labs production, providing you podcasts since 2013. Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard.

And then the duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe Lest. Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody.

That's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. Hey! Ba-da, ba-da, ba-da, ba-da. It's a wing. Ba-da. He can it, he can it, he can it. It's a wing.

Ba-da. Hey, folks. The lights are really flickering in here. I hate a flicker. It's creepy. That's where I get my photos. Oh, yeah. Wasn't that a big thing for a while?

That was a thing. It's still around. Now I use Shutterfly. Those similar? No. I think they're similar, right? Well, they're photos. Yeah.

And then Instagram. I gotta take a layer off here. Shutterfly I use because I send in... Because I have all these Facebook photos. I'm like, man, I'd love to put these on my wall. So I send them those gifs or gifs or jupes or pegs or pig pegging. Ms. Pig. And I send them that and then they mail you back a nice hard copy.

And then I frame them. No kidding. You made my wall. You're more... I counted everyone. You have nine and I think Sam Merrill is eight. Oh, wow. Fuck you, Sam.

Yeah. Take that, Merrill. I was with Sam last night. He's got a big, thick mustache. He looks like Mateo and Freddie Mercury. What? What? What?

Yeah. He's like, I don't know. I'm bored. I'm fucking around. He shaved it into a stash? No. He's got the five o'clock shadow, but the mustache is like an 11 o'clock shadow. Interesting.

It's much thicker. But he's got those big eyebrows and he's got a thick black stash and it's a wild situation. Yeah, it's really kooky, but he looks gay and handsome in section. He's a good looking guy. I think he's got a rugged Russian dirty vibe. Yeah, definitely. Swarly. Definitely rugged.

Swarly, I suppose. But girls dig him. But the posture and the face, I don't get it. Yeah. He's got some odd stances. If you look, you know, you can look at all the YouTube clips and they have a frozen photo. His is always like cock 90 degree because he stands weird. Yeah, he holds the mic out here with this weird, like he's flexing.

Uh-huh. But probably the best joke writer we know. Yeah, he's unbelievable. Really, really great. I write with him via text. We bounce bits and I feel very inadequate every time. Yeah, you just have to, I just have to accept that I have a different style. I told you, I wrote with him, he's got 80 ideas.

He's like, what else? I'm like, I gave you. I had three. I gave you my three ideas. Right. I'm out. He's out. I'll come back in two weeks with another one.

Right. I'm a slow roller. Yeah. I'll go a thousand things against the anal and see what jizz is. Yeah, caution into the come. Yes, good band. Well, thanks for having us, folks. And I don't even know where to start.

Once again, I continue to get a lot of messages, some from fucking supermodels. Okay, you just showed me a pile of these whores and they're not too shabby. I mean, I got some Copenhagen Dame writing to me. You know, women, oh, you always hear women, oh, men, they're so shallow. You put one TV thing out, oh, I want to fuck you. You're still the same guy. Well, no shallow. It's depth.

I exposed my inner workings in a joked around or something. You could expose that at Dilly Dally's comedy open mic show and they wouldn't give a fuck, but because it's on Netflix. Well, that's a good point, but it's not like I just posted a picture of my abs and they started mailing it. Sure. It's a different kind of shallow. There's some jokes.

Yeah. There's jokes. No, I'm saying you're killing. It's a good set. No, but I'm not saying you're critiquing myself. I'm just saying they're not so shallow. I'm critiquing your critique of them. I think it goes back.

It's not shallow. They want the sense of humor. I got bad teeth, a weird forehead, two thumb prints and an asshole. I hear you, but you're saying I'm saying there's a shallowness beyond looks. There's a different kind of shallow. There's also a personality shallowness. Oh, this is like a sandbar shallow. Yes.

The shallow like this is the earth, but then there's also like it was deep, but all of a sudden it's shallow. Right. Sandbar shallow. Your dick has barnacles. It all comes around. Sure does. Anyways, thanks for the fucking messages, ladies, because it makes me feel good.

Oh, yeah. Of course. And I mean, back to shallow, the fact that they're smoking hot makes it feel even better. Of course. Yeah. Very shallow. Which is just how people are wired, folks. I feel like you're allowed to shit on men.

All right. You got a shallow wire. A lot of stuff I want to get to here because I got a lot of stuff. By the way, one guy wrote to me and he said, yeah, I listened to the podcast and I didn't like your Netflix, which is fine. That's totally fine. I'm not against people not like it. Sure.

I'm against people writing to me to say they don't like it. Yes. Just go don't like it somewhere else. Right. You know what I mean? Why do I have to know you don't like it? Text it to your friends and write it everywhere. This guy sucks.

And I appreciate it. If you like the pod, I don't need you to like the stand up. Yeah, you hate three billboards. You're not making a billboard. I don't email the director is what I'm saying. Right. And if you listen to the pod, you don't like the stand up. That's fine.

Yeah. Don't come and don't listen to the stand up, but keep listening to the pod because this is a different thing. We enjoy it. Oh, yeah. But just don't write to me. Right. Say it stinks.

What? Yeah. What is that? I don't know. It's a bummer. You're bumming me out. I was just taking this today. I was writing jokes on Twitter and one.

I always get the classic boo with those. Yeah. Yeah. And I go, do you know that hurts my feelings? Yeah. And if you do know you're a bad person and if you don't know, you should know that that hurts my feelings. You should try to bring joy.

You don't have to like everything. Yeah. I'm not like that, but don't try to bring a bummerness to me. Yes. Yeah. I'm giving you a free thing whether you like it or not. It's like a hobo going, I don't want that. That's a penny.

Well, fuck you then. Yeah. Or if you were like the producer, you owned a network and you were like, I don't like it. Sorry. That I get. That's a little more understandable. Yes.

I brought this to you. But you're just reaching out to take away joy for me. I watched the Ricky Gervais special. Uh-huh. I don't know if you caught it. I have not. Uh, it's a little whatever, but he had a couple of great things where you're like, wow, he had one thing where he goes, I get all these, this hate tweet, you know, all these tweets

and he goes, look, I'm putting something out on a forum. I didn't put it to you. I just put it out there. I have 10,000 million, zillion followers. I just threw it out there. Yeah. And you got mad at me. That would be like me going up to the town square bulletin board, putting guitar lessons,

ripping one off, calling me and going, I don't want to fucking play guitar. And it's like, well, you can just take the thing or not take it. Right. I put it at you. Yes. You know? And that's, I thought that was a great point. Good point.

Good point, Ricky. Seems like a wise guy. He's wise. And, but I don't care for this. You know, he's a 48, 50 year old guy and he's like, I don't give a fuck. Yeah. Yeah. And the world's gonna end.

It's like, ah, you obviously do give a fuck. I hate this. What are you? James Dean. Shut up. You're not a cool guy. You're a fat Brit. Fat Brit.

Fat Brit. That's a good, funny frog. Fat Brit. That picture of him with the mic stand over his shoulder. Oh. That was a little embarrassing. What are you doing? Yeah.

You're an ugly weirdo with bad teeth, except that. But, but, you know, the opposite is, I also loved his God movie there, the one, The Lying. I like it with Louis. With Louis in it. I like that. I thought that was terrific. It's such a great premise. I mean, Liar Liar covered it, but that was a kid's movie.

Yes. And this is an adult film. Yeah. It's really good. And, um, let me talk about this. Let me ask you this. Please. I got, I'm all over the road here.

First of all, I want to address this. Roadkill. I'm calling a, a team from Mason Kaiser. This is an outbreak breakthrough. This is something folks. I'm out with Starbucks. I can't believe it. It's over for Starbucks.

This is OCD coming to an end. They discontinued Jade Citrus and I can't, I can't put up with it anymore. Mick, I love you. Thanks for all the hookups. You're a good man, but I won't be seeing you get to come to the clubs or something. Wow. I can't do it. This is insanity.

This is the end of an era. I've got, I've had three teas a day for 10 years. I got the app. I spent, I mean, my taxes, I spent $1,000 a month at this place. Right. But they, they don't respect the tea drinkers there. I guess so. You're right.

The tea is the minority of the Starbucks land. Yeah. They got rid of, they have all these new teas and it's, it's out and they've changed it before. It's happened a few times, but now it's not coming back and I'm out. I can't handle it. Wow. So now I'm drinking some berry shit.

I hate it. They just got rid of all teas or is it just the citrus? They got tea, but they don't have the one I like anymore. And then they were like, we can put one tea bag into another tea bag. You can take a mint bag and a green tea bag. And then I'm like, but the problem is a couple of people know that and they know me, but I can't just go to every Starbucks and be like, can I get one tea bag from there and one tea bag from there?

And it's the whole thing. You're like a lane with the sponges. Cause I bet a couple Starbucks still have it. Yeah. Not in the city. I've been everywhere. The last one was the 70th street right down the street here. And I was going there like twice a day to kind of live it.

Man, like an addict. So now I'm trying to go to these other places and it's hard to find. Like think coffee has a couple of good ones and Gregory's got a couple, but some of these it's a hit and a miss. I'm drinking a berry juice over here. I wonder if you could hit up the Starbucks people and be like, Hey, just send them to me. Well, I think Tivana still, they still make it.

I think I got a couple of boxes at my house. Tivana. She was one of the Russian models that hit you up. Yeah. But it's different. I want it out and about. I like the cup and the thing and the sitting there. So it's a whole, I'm really fucked.

But it's good cause it's opening me up to some more mom and pops. There you go. You know. And I'm sure there's a little tea, some Asian fuck lives in a closet and he's got, he's got a ton of Jade Citrus from like the Orient. Probably does. It hit him up. Yeah.

I'm gonna lost all of our Orient fans. Bang a gong out of a loss or whatever you call it. I don't know what I'm talking about. But anyways, tweet at Starbucks. Maybe we can make a movement, you know. Yes. Movement. Tweet at them and say, Hey, what the fuck with the Jade Citrus?

You're killing, you're killing the kid. Put the gun violence on hold. Citrus. I think we should try to do some smaller things to get a little momentum going. Ah, start small. Yeah. We can't just solve guns. Right.

Let me give you a break. But let's get, let's get the tea back on the market. And then once we have that momentum, then we can tackle the guns. Yeah. Tim Dillon had a funny post about that. See that? No. He wrote a, all right, let's get rid of guns, but it's not gonna be easy.

So we should, these kids with the Florida, you know, these are like the Mexican girl with the shaved head. Yeah. Gonzalez. He's like, we should shoot all of them and that'll be the end of it. After that, we're good. I got camera. He made it better, but it was really funny.

Funny guy. Funny guy. He's doing Rogan. Wow. He should be on Rogan. Yeah. He's like a Rogan guy. That's his avenue.

Yeah. Yeah. He's like, how about this? Hit me. I had a spot here last night at Stand Up New York, 78th and Broadway, and I'm waiting to go on and Marion Groden, the host walks out and she goes, whoa, that is the worst crowd I have ever seen in my life. I've been doing comedy 20 years.

That's the worst crowd. Wow. Jesus, what an intro. Good Lord. Now I'm freaking out. I had a page of new stuff I wanted to try and I go, all right, well, fuck, this is over. And you could see through that little window, the guy on stage, not one peep, not a lad. He's just telling a monologue.

Jesus. It's a none. Oh my God, fuck. And then this girl, 20-year-old girl, runs into the comedy club and goes, Colin Ambulance. She had a thick Russian accent or something. She goes, Colin Ambulance. He passed away. He passed away.

And everybody goes, what the fuck? Passed away. Holy shit. So the kid gets on the horn and he's going, 9-1-1, and all these comics are walking up. And there's a kid. I go outside. There's a kid shaking, bleeding out of his nose, crazy profusely. He's pants are covered in blood, shirts covered in blood.

On the floor, shaking. This is outside in the sidewalk? Right on the sidewalk. Oh, so she ran from outside into the club. Yes, sorry. Wow. Inside, and I'm like, oh, but she, you know, my first thought was this kid's dead because she said he passed away.

Well, he's shaking and bleeding. Yes, so my first thought was like, well, that's good, I guess, but it's just still fucking crazy. And I was like, oh my God, and a comic walks up and he just immediately gets on the horn and starts calling 9-1-1. And he's like, he's a young kid. He's shaking. He's bleeding.

And I go, must have been a bad set. And he goes, what is wrong with you? And I was like, I don't know. And I felt horrible, but I had to do it. That's funny. I thought it was a good line, but everybody got mad at me. And I was like, I went back inside. I was like, I got to make some changes, but it's in me.

I'm sorry. No, those sound like fake comics to me because here's what I always feel. It's not adding or taking away from the thing. If you started dry humping his bleeding chest or something, it might be a problem. But there's a fucking classroom walking by us peeking in here. What's going on at this club? We need a curtain in that little window. How do you do?

They can hear us, I guess. I thought it was soundproof. Who's she? I don't know. I think she emailed me on Instagram. Yeah, she did. But yeah. What the hell is going on here?

A field trip just walked by. I think they're trying to get kids in the podcast. But yeah. Hey, how you doing there? Get out of here. There you go. But we need those little airplane things. You can give them a direction.

Here's your lips. They're red. Sorry. Yeah, so. Take batteries. Woo. That's what is that. DC.

So what happened to the guy? Hey, Josh. Yeah, so I have some theories. And Mary and Grotter runs out there. She's like, is he on drugs? And the kids are like, no, no. But they were young kids. And I think they were fucked up.

Oh, really? But where's the blood coming from? Nose. The nose. All the nose. It's like really twitching and twatching. Wow. He's like, I'll eat after a couple rounds.

Yeah, it was. But I'll eat. Never got bled this bad. And I went up with a few Q-tips and trying to, you know, stop it. But he had a jug of orange juice next to him on the sidewalk. So I think there was some vodka or something in there. That's like an ecstasy thing. Isn't there something with OJ?

Maybe. I know that acid people drink it to trip harder. Oh, is that right? Yeah. The vitamin C enhances the trip. Yeah. There's always, there's like milk goes with it. The average of the drug.

Always a bit of, yeah. You got to drink water and then like Molly's OJ and Coke is, you know, Pepsi. Yeah. It's like weird beverages. There's always something placenta. So chocolate milk for Adderall. Right, right. Oh, that sounds pretty good.

But yeah, so she was like, all right, I got to bring you up. And I was like, all right. And I went on and the crowd was great. Oh, really? It was a great crowd. Oh, they came around a little bit. They came around and I walked up and I said, I heard you guys are a nightmare. And they were like, and then they were good.

Well, sometimes there is a thing to the time of the show. I agree. Because I've gone first and sent out texts and letters being like, just cancel your spot. And then, you know, you go on fifth or whoever and they're like, I was the best crowd I've ever experienced. I'm like, something, something changed in there. Well, also she's going up to them and going, I don't want to, you know, she's a fan, fantastic host and a nice person, but she's going on going, you guys suck.

You're the worst. They're like, Jesus Christ. We just sit down. Right. We're from Norway. So they were fine, but it was just a wacky turn of events, you know, just like, get there, kid died, bleeding, bad joke. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Horrible crowd. Turns out to be a good crowd. Then I went home. Also, when I was on stage, I could see the ambulance outside. Oh, wow. You see the lights like, woo, woo, woo. And that was crazy. And then when I got out there, there was a pool of blood.

The kid was gone and I went home. Wow, boy. Yeah. That was quite an event. Quite an event. The whole thing took 30 minutes. Wow. I wonder how he's doing.

He's a little buddy. Yeah, 20. I heard him say, he's 21 years old. And I think he was, he was definitely four and the kids were on vacation. Well, 21 is still in that death area. Uh-huh. Like if they say, if you get to like the age of 23 or 25, I know the status, you're good for like 40 years, typically.

Right. Like if people die young, but if you don't die young, you're good till like your mid-50s. Oh, statistically. Like between 25 and 55, statistically, you're doing, you're okay. Well, that doesn't save a lot for the, what is it, the 27 Club? Right. Right. Yeah.

That's a rarity. Outliers. But yeah, they say like once you get through your early 20s, you're going to cruise for a while. Right. Because there's so many like teenagers that wrap their cars around, you know, dicks. Yeah. Speaking of dicks, here's one for you.

I'd like to really get your feelings and your input and your, your sample on this. The other day, I'm having sex with my wife. Yeah. Of course. Sexual, vaginal. What position? Missionary. I have a fantasy about you or a friend walking in on me fucking.

I would like that. Oh, really? Not the sexual way. Just like a cool guy way. Oh, really? I always want people to be watching me fuck. Me too. My wife's not on board.

Nah, I've asked. But the, the Shandling doc, remember, uh, was it Dave? Oh yeah, Dave's a coolie. He's like, I walked in on him fucking. It was pretty good. And he goes, what position? He said she was on top. Yeah.

How cool is that? That's pretty fun. Yeah. I want you to see my sack and the whole thing. By the way, that's the coolest day, coolie he's ever been. Again? He seemed cool in that. Usually he seems like a big nerd.

He's cutting it out and doing puppets. He's a dork. I could tell. But that one, he seemed okay. Yeah, yeah. He seemed coolie okay. Right. Anyway, it's going to be awkward when we meet all these guys.

Well, Shandling's not going to be easy. Well, it might be, you know, in the next life or something. Yeah. Might be that 21 year old. So I'm having vaginal sex. Yes. Missionary. And I'm feeling, and sometimes you feel the IUD.

We've talked about this before because there's a wire in there. So sometimes you get in on that. Yeah. It doesn't. Bird on a wire. But I'm in there having sex and I'm feeling similar to the IUD. But it's with every thrust, I feel it like in my urethra. Like it's like a wow.

Oh. Yeah. Yes. I've had that. Well, this gets a little kooky. Okay. So I'm going E and it feels like the IUD, but it's a different sensation. Because I know my sensations.

Yes. I know the IUD, but this felt a little different. It felt more internal and it was kind of fucking with me. But she was into it and I was trying to just be like, just get through it. Yeah. Like in the hole. Yeah. Oh.

So I'm doing this thing. I'm like, is there something in my dick hole? What's going? Am I fucking into the thing? Because if I was just stationary, it felt fine. But with every thrust, I went E, but it wasn't excruciating. It was just enough that I was like, something's up. Yeah.

Yeah. So finally, the anxiety got the best of me and I went, I got a call time out here. I'm sorry. I got something wrong with me. I'll be right back. You know, masturbate or whatever. I go into the bathroom. I flick the light on.

I got a pube halfway down my pee hole. Oh. It's sticking out like a tampon string and it really hurt. Have you ever had that? I've never had that once. It was bizarre and I had to go like, like a, like a, like a bandaid. I just closed my eyes and pulled it out and then, you know, flushed it down the toilet and that was that went back and I was fine.

Wow. But I had something in my pee hole and that hair, even though it's little, it's a foreign object in your dick hole. I guess so. I put on the dick for, you know, keeping out the bad guys. Yeah. The jacket because imagine if it got too deep in there, you'd have to. You'd have a drain clog.

I don't know. Yeah. I'd have to get one of those snakes. Yeah. Snake snakes. Road or router. I don't know. Those snakes.

But you ever have anything like that? A pee hole burn? I've had a pee hole burn. Obviously I've had a couple, what do you call it? UTIs in my day. That's my agency. And a couple of those, but never had a thing in there. Yeah.

It was unpleasant. So watch out for those pubes. I mean, you know, because we both have, you know, bushes. We haven't shaved since. Sure. You know, Carter was president. Or bush. But yeah.

Wow. Man. I mean, I can't believe it just, it was like sprouting out like a carrot stem. Yeah. It looked like it felt like what it feels like to have a tampon. I imagine. I just pulled that string and it was blood everywhere and it was cranky. And I went to bed early.

Well, that's crazy. My cringe was swollen. That's crazy. You could feel a hair. That's how sensitive the dick hole is. Yeah. Just a little because it's, you know, it's inside. Yeah.

Because they always say a cut hair. Like, oh, I made it by a cut hair. Yeah. This is the smallest, thinnest, finest object. And that's what you felt. That was in there. It was a real sea hair pain. A CHP.

Does she have a cut hair? All kinds. Yeah. But she's not shaved. No, no, no. No shade. I like a bare bush. I like a bush.

I like a big old bush. I want, yeah. I want shore. I want the skin to still be red from the razor. No, I want, I like a nice big, wild bush. I like to kind of dig through there. It looks like it separates it from the rest of the bod, you know? Gives it a little uniqueness.

I see that. I see that. I don't mind a stub, but when a girl's got a ripe old, clean clam, I'm in heaven. Well, if you're going to get a hair in your dick though, you want it to be long. So you can pull it out because you got one of those short ones in there. Yeah. Forget about it. It's like a Jimmy.

Right. Sprinkle for west coasters. Sprinkles. Yeah. But yeah. Wow. That's, that's crazy because you know, you always see these guys who get chlamydia or whatever, the doctor puts a Q-tip.

Yes, I've heard that. And I'm like, how do you handle that? No, I think I would cut my dick off or kill myself or both. I just can't have anything in there. No, I don't like it. Those are the things that I feel like by the time we're older, hopefully the technology will be like, it'll be like a little x-ray or something. Yeah.

Because I don't want anything in my dick ever. No, no. Get out of the dick. Not that direction anyways. My piss of, you know, a stick or a cheek or whatever. Sure, sure. Yeah, I'd rather piss out a kidney stone than have a hair in the dick. Yeah.

I mean, that doesn't seem like a picnic either. No, no. A picnic. You heard that old Chinese torture story. Which one was it? This is where they... Oh, you told me about this one. They get you hard.

Yes. This was big in like eighth grade when it was all about faces of death. Yeah, yeah. We had some things like that. And yeah, they get you hard, which it seems impossible during torture, but whatever. And they drill a glass spike, a small thin one into your dick, and then they shatter it like they smush it like a tenderizing a meat pie. Yeah.

And then they give you a bunch of water so you have to pee out shards of glass. Oh, boy. Pretty intricate and elaborate. Yeah, yeah. Boy, that's a lot. I remember we used to talk about those three-pronged fish hooks. If you stick it into someone's pussy and then throw it out of like an airplane with it in there.

Wow. That was like a thing. We were trying to think of like crazy, torturey things. Yeah. Oh, that's funny. Or like, you know, other stuff like that. I visited the ruins. I went to Africa to visit my brother.

And they was like, you got to go see the Roman root. Because the Rome tried to go to Africa and build some shit. Kind of like to outsource or have some franchises. Outreach. Yeah, something. Program. Outbreak, whatever. And they built these ruins in Rome, but they didn't last in Africa.

But they're still there. And they're still beautiful and crazy looking just in the middle of nowhere in Africa. And they show you this, it looks like a plus sign. Like it's a big stone wall with a plus sign that's about this big, like a foot high, foot wide, and they would push people through it. Really? And they would just, you know, break their bones and they would turn, it was almost like a soft serve.

You'd come out. Oh, geez. And they would do it alive. Just push them through that and just force them to go through. And that was fun. Wow. And you can still read. You can still see the blood from all the years of people smushed through it.

It was bananas. Oh my God. Yeah. People, man. We're a violent, violent species. Yes. It's terrible. It's all video games.

That's what I say. We should try to be nice to each other out there. Yeah, we're capable of really going places. Yeah. Well, be kind and rewind. Oh, yeah. How weird they charged a fee if you didn't rewind. Oh, they'll get you.

Rewind it. I don't get it. Yeah. They have the, I used to work at a blockbuster. We have a rewind machine. Yeah. Do it and like, that was it. Yeah, yeah.

Just rewind it. You're not going to pay. I know. I mean, I guess you got to open it, put the thing in, rewind it, close it, open it, you know. I forgot about VHS. I haven't thought about that in a long time. You got to rewind the whole movie.

Yeah. That's weird to think about. Anyways. Yeah. That's fun. That was a big thing with CD. Like, you don't have to rewind it. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Well tape cassette tapes music was the worst because you had to keep stopping and playing it. Yes. Because everyone's a machine that could do the track somehow. Yes. That was like a big innovation. But a lot of them you couldn't. Right.

Somebody interns and shit here. I know. Walking by all day. And they get nothing done. It's bizarre. Yeah. All right. I got some, I got a lot of stuff here.

Hit me, baby. I mean, oh, I had this happen. Oh, let me plug this. The Patreon right now, you can go see our, hopefully you're going to have one up. I looked for the video expired. Yeah. Well right now you can go see my Fallon submission on the Patreon. Yes.

You've seen the set. Hopefully share it. Tell a friend. It's a great idea. But now you can see the tape I sent to the Booker. So if you're on the Patreon, if you haven't gone on the Patreon, go check it out. Plus there's a ton of bonus shit on there. Talk about behind the scenes, folks.

That's a cool little Easter egg. Yeah. I'll put up my Letterman and Conan too if I can find it. But it's pretty exciting. And then we got some bonuses with Mark and I and some queefs and all kinds of stuff over there. You're really missing out if you're not part of it. Moon Tower coming up.

That's in May, I think. And then we got April. April. Oh, even better. April. Then we got a May 7th. We're at the Village Underground. Village Underground.

Fill that out. And go check out Merch Pump because we got new shirts. Diego really knocked it out of the ballpark. We got burrito shirts and all kinds of fun stuff over there. I was thinking we should go ahead and change the logo. Make that the logo for a while. Because I looked at our iTunes. Our logo is cool, but it's getting old.

We got to revamp. New logo. New logo. All right, Diego, you're in. No extra money. Yeah, we don't pay. But we did pay him, which feels good. Oh, yeah.

We got to pay. We always pay. We're payers. Shelby, how are you doing? Unbelievable. Great. Do you like us? Love you.

I always get very nervous. Yeah. You don't care for us. I don't buy it. All right. How about this, speaking of people not liking us. I'm running the set. Not the night before.

I take the night before or late night off, but the night before or the night before, which is my last night running the set. I'm at Gotham Comedy Club. I'm running the set for the producer of the show. He's the booker. Michael Cox. Yes. So it's him and my manager there.

I'm doing, what's the show called? Juice. Comedy Juice. Yes. And Jared Freed's hosting. I'm going first. I'm just doing a tight five doing my set. Freed goes up.

He kills. Packed house. I walk up. I do the joke about, you know, the guy say, you look like me and he says, oof. And there's a young African American gal with her boyfriend sitting stage right. She goes, yeah, you ugly. Damn. I go, what?

She goes, what are you ugly? Wow. I'm human. I go, what are you doing? She's like, well, that's the joke. It's your joke. You're ugly. You are.

You're ugly. And I go, you're a fucking asshole. Good. I was like, why would you say that? I should put this set on the Patreon too. I'll put this on the Patreon too. You can see the audition and the last running before it happens. You got video?

I got audio. Oh, audio. Okay. I'll put the audio. And I go, you're an asshole. I was like, don't do that again. And she was like, well, what? And her boyfriend was like in bar.

I think he was like a comedy fan. He's just like had his head in his hands. Like, oh my God. I'm glad he got it. Who's this guy now? Don't worry about it. There's someone in Mexico looking in the window. He's the busboy guy.

What the hell? What's he looking in the window? What? It's a window. I'm going to pull the shades or move. It'd be nice. Um, but anyway. It's a little Gary Veter looking fella looking in here.

Uh-huh. He's happier. Anyways. Yeah. So what happened? You call it. I'm glad the boyfriend wasn't like, oh, fuck you. Don't talk to my lady like that.

No, I just said, you're an asshole. I was like, don't do that again. And then I just did the rest of the set. It went pretty well. And then I came off. I was worried because I'm trying to showcase it so I can be like, this is the set. Yeah. And luckily Cox, he's a pro.

He knows what he's doing. So he went, uh, he's like, the set is perfect. It's great. The timing is great. Every joke's great. I was like, well, what about the lady? He's like, oh, that's crazy. So he kind of saw it.

I was afraid he was going to be like, we got to go run it again. We can't have the lady here. Yeah, he gets it. So that was good. But it was just one of those things where you're like, what are you crazy? You're just saying, you're yelling, you're ugly at me. I know. I'm a person.

That's, I don't get it. Trying to entertain you. And it's like a 40 seconds into the set. Right. The funny thing is if you, if you went, well, you're ugly too or you're fat, that would have been a whole thing. I know. I'd color an asshole.

And I was like, don't do that. Right. Because I had a, Jesus Christ. The guy's just looking at it like it's a safari. Good Lord. I should eat a banana. I'd throw my shit at him. It felt like the T-Rex in the, you know, Jurassic Park.

Don't move. He can't see you if you're still. Like his breath is steaming up the window. Right. Right. My water had a ripple. Sorry. So I had this last night.

I do like, I'm running around doing four sets. I'm getting old. The running around is catching up to me, I think, which is kind of bumming me out. But I'm on my fourth set. I'm at Hot Soup. My show every Tuesday at 8.30. And I go up last. Everybody's like, it's a hot crowd.

Full house. Great show. We had like nine comics on. It was way too long. So these guys, he's getting drunk and drunker. I go up. I'm doing well. And this lady goes, woo.

And I do like that. All right. Let me just get into it. I'm trying to do my act here. And she's like, I'm on your team, baby. And she's doing like the, what's the Clarence Thomas? Who's the Bruce Springsteen drummer? Oh, Clarence Clemens.

Clarence Clemens. Clarence Clemens. Max Weinberg's the drummer. Oh, yeah. Yeah, Saxwell. You know, he does that over the head clap. Yeah, of course. She's doing that thing.

And I'm like, all right, shut up. And she won't stop. And I'm like feeling her about to say something. And you know, it's all about timing. And I can feel her just going to step right on my cock. And she does. And I just go at her. I'm like, you're a dirty horse, slut, cunt, fucking bitch.

Oh, boy. And I lost it all to her. And it's killing. And the place is going around. And you're alone. And you're fat. You're ugly. You suck.

Your vagina's huge. I was just going in on her. But I lost it. I heard a great. I wasn't sure if it was more. No, no. Sorry. I just lost it.

And I got them back. Thank God. But I was like, you're a piece of garbage. Like no one likes you. And then at the end, she did like the, I don't know why you're so mad at me. And I'm like, why am I the bad guy? I heard a great roast joke. Your pussy is so big that guys get a free t-shirt if they finish eating it.

I don't remember who it was. Oh, that's great. Why'd you hear that? I hosted roast battle last night, which we could have used you. We only had two roasts. Not hosts. What a judge. Oh, you had Voss?

You had Eli? No, Voss was in Arizona. There was a miscommunication. Oh. And so it was just being Eli. But we used an audience member to be the third person. Ah, geez. I thought Big J.

I thought it was going to be two-packed anyway. No, Big J was in LA. Voss was in Arizona. And so Eli and I did. It was actually nice because the show was like 35 minutes. Oh, that is nice. We just went, I'd go like, that was a great roast. You're ugly.

You're one. And then Eli was like, yeah, yeah, she's ugly. You're gay. And he won. Perfect. But anyways, afterwards I was talking to Ricky Velez and Jeff Ross about, and they told me, that was somebody's joke at some roast battle. Neither one of them remembered who it was, but I'm like, that's fucking hilarious.

That's great. I mean, what's it called? Ah, shit. I forgot what I was going to say. Oh, the Ralphie May one that Geraldo had. He said, Ralphie May, you're so fat. When you watch porn, you come when the guy delivers the pizza. Oh, that is a great joke.

Oh, I love that joke so much. What? What? You're looking around. What's the noise? You hear that noise? It sounds like there's a giant cell phone vibrating. I think it's just a subwoofer outside.

Are you vibrating? No. That's just music. But you guys do hear. I hear. Yeah, you're fine. You're not done. But it's not in the cans?

You know. No, that's a, it's a whirring, but it's all in beat. Like a boom. Yeah. Oh, okay. That's what I'm asking. All right. So it's not in there.

No, you're good. Well, sorry for the delay. It got weird. We're keeping it real. Well, people got to want to hear this. Yeah. If they hear it, they're going to go, hey, what the fuck? You fucking loses.

I can hear a thing. So I want to make sure that it's not there. Better to address. So angry. Just right. I thought I heard something. I don't know if you guys noticed it. Why does that be?

I hope your mother dies. I heard something. Take it easy. But anyways, Clarence Clement, roast battle. What would you say before that? Oh, yeah. The conch at the hot soup. Yeah.

I mean, this one was going at it with me. I'm on your team. That's the, the positive heckle is almost worse because you, it's a meaner to be mean. Also, there's no team. I know. I said, I hate your team. I said, I don't know who picked you. You must have got picked last.

I went off on the team thing. I'm a solo performance. Yes. Solo. No team. This isn't Bob sled. This is Luge. How Bob sleds the craziest sport.

How weird the entire competition. You can't even see where you're going. You're looking at your own dick. He ends with you in the back. The back three. 75% of them are looking at their own ball sack. Well, the weird thing is the two in the middle are only there for weight. They don't do anything.

It's just weighted. That's it. You think you'd want a fatter guy? Well, then they can't fit the tube. It's not a tube. It's a sled. It's a sled tube. It's a tube sled.

I'll show you a tube. Let's go, Clarence. There's no Bob. Clarence. All right. Well, I got more stuff. You got some other things over there. Feel the rhythm.

Feel the rhythm of the night. Feel the rhythm. All right. I had the girl call me ugly. The Patreon. Now I got to get into some serious business here. Please. All I had was the nosebleed kid.

Oh, that was a good kid. He's a good kid. Good kid. Good egg. And he's hopefully still alive. He lost a lot of blood. I'll tell you that. Well, I'll get into my big stuff here.

But I don't know if it's going to take 25 minutes. I'll fill in with some. That's what we do. All right. We'll die. All right. I got a lot of, I got ready to pounce. I got a chest sweat.

Oh, I hate a chest sweat. Like a tits sweat. Now we're in that weird time where it's cold. Is it hot? Am I wearing too many layers? Am I gay? Is my dad like me? It's a whole thing.

I know. I'm going to Billy Joel and I got a winter coat. I hate being in a concert with a winter coat because then it squeezes down between the seat. Yes. Someone's fiddling with my keys. Think about that when you think about this. I'm all jacked up on coffee.

All the coats in all this concert, it's a lot of mass. And yet you have to stuff them somewhere. It's going to take up room. I know. And plus this mustard on the floors. Every time I go to a concert, I put a coat on the other night. I got mustard and ketchup and, you know. I hate a dirty coat.

That's the worst. The red coats. They're coming. Oh yeah. I always had heard it as the red coats are coming. And then people later said the British are coming. I heard the British. Yeah.

I guess I'm the only one who heard the red coats. Yeah, but I don't know. I must have got misquoted. By the way, who has a joke about that? That's the first thing to go viral. It's a good bit. I don't know that joke. Yeah, yeah.

Somebody in Boston has it. That's not bad. Bean Town. Good with comedy. So anyways, I got to talk about last Friday night. Whatever night the Tonight Show aired. Hit me. It was a fun night.

You know, it's a lot of pressure when it aired. You have the pressure of taping. And then you have that relief. Yep. But then it's going to air. And then everyone's like, where are you going to watch it? Who's going to watch it? Because you remember it being good.

But then when it airs, you're like, maybe it sucked. And maybe I'm, you know, blinking or maybe I'm wearing a pajama top or whatever. Uh, $200 top. So that's nerve-wracking. And then I put in at the seller thinking I'll get a seller spot and I'll watch it the seller. She gives me a 1225 spot, which is the exact time. Of course she does.

It comes out. Well, she didn't know. I didn't write. I'm doing the Tonight Show or whatever. I just thought I'm available anytime. Right. So I was like, what are the odds that she gives me a spot at the exact time it'll be airing?

Yep. But she does. So I go, all right, no big deal. So that night I had, I think that was my only spot of the night. It was down there. I can't remember. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.

But I think it was. I was watching Hoop all night and then I went to my spot. So I go down. No, I had two spots. One at the Fat Black at like 1015 or something. Yeah. So I did the Fat Black. I do my set there.

It's fun. And then I'm getting all these texts. I'm excited. My friends are like, we're having a party. And my mother's like, we're trying to stay up. We set our alarm. All this stuff. Oh, so nice.

So I go over to the cellar and it's Friday night. So the band is playing Nome, the owner. One of my idols, this guy. I love him. I love Nome. Coolest cat in the queue. He's playing. The band is playing.

The band is great. This isn't like I owned the club. I learned how to play guitar when I was nine. Let me play some songs. Yeah. Okay. They're like a world-class musician, as you know. Top notch.

The Olive Tree is the upstairs restaurant and bar at the Comedy Cellar. He's packed. Packed night. Estee's there at the table. Good night at the cellar table. There's a bunch of fun people. Ryan Hamilton, Seton Smith, Jordan Carlos, Emmy Blotnick, all these good, good crew. Adrian Appleucci.

We're all hanging. And Liz keeps being like, we're going to put it on. We're going to put it on the big screen. We're going to have it on. And I was like, I can't. I have a spot. So you guys can watch it, but I'll, I got to, I can't be here. Is that kind of a cool feeling?

Like, yeah, you guys watch it, but I'll be on stage. Yes. It is a weird feeling. I think I talked about this before. I was meeting, uh, Geraldo at the cellar in like 02 and I was like, Hey, you're on Conan tonight. Are you right? We watched you on Conan or something.

He was like, Oh, I missed it. I was, I was working. I thought it was so interesting and cool that he was like, Oh, I don't watch that. I love that. And then later on you get to that point where you're like, Yeah, I didn't watch it either. Yeah. We heard that Natterman story. What's the Natterman James Smith for like new to New York, just pulled up to the Boston

Comedy Club. His first week in New York from Australia and he sees Dan Natterman is on Letterman tonight. Holy shit. Big Letterman debut. Huge deal. This is probably like, you know, 2000 or something. And he pulls up to the comedy club. Dan Natterman sitting on the sidewalk and he goes, Oh my God, you were on David Letterman

today. And he goes, Yeah, 1000 bucks and look where I am. And he said that was his like intro to New York. Wow. Natterman's a big believer in that though. He's a big like it gets you that and the token will get you in the subway and it's not anything. Right.

Right. Which is no, there's no connection to the accomplishment or to like, it's like, well, it feels good and it is exciting and you feel legitimized and it's like you are on CBS. It's like, it is a big deal. Sure. He's just like, Yeah, but I mean, I doesn't buy a cup of coffee, blah, blah, blah. It's just a cynical way of looking at that. You know what I say to that?

Where's the joy? You got to find the joy. But he's a big anti Allen guy too. Is he being anti? Yeah, but he's not. He's not into the scene. Wow. You got to get an Allen over, but one of the best.

I listened to his album recently. Check out Dan Natterman's album. Some of the best jokes ever. So funny. So funny. I'm gonna put my feet up if you don't mind. Please. I won't put my shoe on the chair.

I'm very considerate. I go calves on the chair. I noticed that. Feet dangling off. We were at a place and a guy had his feet on the sofa. I thought you're going to tackle. I don't like the foot on the sofa. I told you the story.

We had a theater and a comedian. We know. I won't say his name. He was sitting with both feet on the cushions. He was sitting on the back of the couch. The butt on the top. Yes. And two feet.

And it was a theater. It was the majestic theater. Majestic. That ain't majestic. Like you got your bottom of your shoes. And I'm not even a germ guy. I haven't washed my hands since the sixth grade. I feel similar with a dog's feet.

They got a dog up on every couch in America. Get the dogs and you put them all. You talk about isle of dogs. We should have an isle of dogs and then blow it up Hiroshima style. Give them hell Harry. Anyways. So I go over there and I'm at the comedy cellar. And Liz said we're going to put it on the TV.

And I was like I don't know. I got spot. And she's like shut up Liz. You know how Liz is. She's like shut up. We're putting it on. You're going to watch it. We'll make it work.

She's a ball breaker. So then I go over and I'm like all right. This is too much. I go over to the village underground because I got some time to kill. VU. And I go I just popped down there. You know what I mean. I'll see what the vibe is.

I go downstairs and I see Aaron the manager and he says well this is going to be interesting. I go what's going to be interesting. I get excited right away. Because you know something's happening. He goes Jim Belushi is going to go on. Wow. Jim Belushi's daughter is going to NYU. So he is going to go play with the band.

He just came to the show randomly. He brings us harmonica. There's a band at the village underground on weekends and they're a hell of a band. Killer. No one loves music. So there's music at both clubs. He goes I'm going to go up there and play. So he goes on after Emmy Blotnick who kills.

Belushi goes on. And I love this. This is like a turn on to me. More of a turn on if it was a woman. Sure. But these musicians that can just play. Oh yeah. He goes up you see him whisper in the keyboard players ear.

It's like Jay Fox. This is a blues riff and B. Watch me for the change and try to keep up. He does a couple things and then like you see the guy nodding. Signals to the drummer. You know he gives him a fucking signal. A chicken wing and a thing. He says hey be be king or whatever.

And then they just crank it up and he starts just jamming. Wow. And he has to play in sweet home Chicago and it's like Belushi. I know John Belushi is bad blah blah blah blah. People are still going with this riding the coattails thing. He's talented. It's been 40 years. Right.

And he's not a movie comedy guy. Like he's not claiming to be. I'm not you know a samurai sword guy. I'm not blues brother or whatever. How about this John Belushi a little overrated if you ask me. I think he's good in the movies but I thought on SNL he was that. He's fine. He's fine.

He's good in animal house. He's a fat oaf. He nailed it. He's fine. He's been kind of an up prickly guy. Oh does he hate women? Oh yeah. So I mean he's just whatever.

Like he's no Bill Murray. He's no Dan Ackroyd. He's definitely no Bill Murray. He's no you know fucking. Gene Wilder. Chris Farley. I mean he's like not one of the best to me. I agree.

But he died. Farley is 100 times better. He's a coke cat. He died. He was on drugs. He was a party. That adds to the cachet. But it's a go to joke of like riding his brother's coattails to be like.

Is he still riding? It's been 38 years. Yeah he's at eight sitcoms. He's been in movies. He's doing his own thing. He's not. I don't think he's as captivating. No.

He's not. He's not. Don't get me wrong. I'm not like. I've never seen an episode of According to Jim. Blue Ghost 2000 sucks ass. But like K9 is not exactly winning the Cannes festival. Cannes.

So I'm not saying he's great. I'm just saying he's got people like him and blah blah blah. But he's a musician. He's a good musician. He plays the harmonica. And he goes up there and he's just sweet oh shit. And there's a vibe. People are into it.

Yes. And this is fun. He's yelling at his daughter. He's like this was my baby back there. I love my daughter. And she's in the back and get off the stage. You suck. How cool is that?

It was adorable and hilarious. She was like embarrassed. And he kept being like I love you baby. Look at you. And it was really fun. Wow. And the band just kicked ass. And they told some street jokes.

And they were kind of killer. Oh yeah. He's not claiming for them to be his jokes. He's not a comedian. It's not like he's taking up spots. So it's kind of fun to just watch him tell these old street jokes. I love it. You know it was like a husband and wife.

And the husband gets a wish. There's like a genie or something. He's like I wish I was my you know. They're in there. They're celebrating their 60th birthday. And he says I wish my wife was 30 years younger than me. And then poof. He's 90 years old.

That was like the big joke. Ah. See because he was wishing for her to be 30 years younger. Oh he gets older. But then he gets older. I see. I see. That was like his joke.

That's something. It's not bad. It's something. Yeah it's a matter. Kind of like it. I heard this one the other day on the Ricky Gervais special. Which is weird. But yeah he explains it.

He has a whole thing about it. But he said a woman runs into a police station. She goes I've been raped. And he goes don't you mean raped? She goes yeah well there was a bunch of them. It's a bunch of grapes. Oh. That's the term for a lot of grapes.

Boy we both talk. What's the term for a lot of grapes? A bunch. I don't get it. I don't get it still. So you got raped by a bunch of guys. So she got raped because it was a bunch of them. Oh.

I guess it's not a great joke but I enjoyed it. Yeah I don't think I get it. Well it was a bunch. It was a lot of men. I guess but why would she say raped? Because it was a bunch. So it makes more sense because there's a bunch of grapes. Well wouldn't she say I got raped by a bunch of guys.

Well. I guess so. Shelby do you get the joke? I like more that you don't get it. I just don't understand the joke. I mean I get it. I'm not saying it's gold. It's no prior but it's a punch.

It's no way it's as good as the Belushi 90. Yeah Belushi 90's alright. Well whatever. Belushi killed and he's hosting every show now. But he goes on he comes off and that was exciting. It was just festive and fun and you're like what was one of those things where you're in an emotional moment because you shot the Tonight Show. It's in the can.

It's airing and you're getting a lot of love. Then all of a sudden Jim Belushi's playing and you're underground. It's a nightclub. It's Friday night. The band's cooking its pat and you're going this is special you know. That's a beautiful. That underground's a magic. There's always some magic in there.

Yes. Exciting. So I go back to the cellar and now it's getting time for the thing to come on. The Tonight Show. Yes. But the basketball game is on. It's coming down to the wire. NCAA.

Sweet 16. And so finally that game ends with like minutes before I'm coming out. Yes. So they switch it over to the Night Show. Jim Jeffries is on. But it's still on mute because the band is rocking. And the band is the owner. He's the leader of the band.

So I'm like Liz just forget it. I don't need to see it. We don't need to watch it because I'm not going to tell the owner to stop playing. He's going to play my set. She's like I don't give a fuck. I'll do this. I'll do it. I'd be the same way as you.

I don't want to fuck with Noam. And so now I got my coat on because my spot. I'm like my spot. She's like don't worry they're behind. So Aaron the man. This is why this club is at the tippity top. Yeah. The manager of the Village Underground comes over to the cellar and he's just got the earpiece

in and they're doing play by play back and forth and delaying the show just so I can watch the Tonight Show. Oh get out of town. And so now Liz goes over she tells the band you're going to have to wrap up. They wrap up and he stops in the band. Everyone's into it. They're singing and clapping. Oh jeez.

We're going to take a break. We're going to watch Joe List. He's one of our comics. We're going to watch him on the Tonight Show folks. And the whole crowd goes woo. Oh yeah. They're like this is crazy. What if they were like boo music.

I know. Well it's only five minutes. True. And it's come over. Is this the projector. They didn't put on the projector. I don't think. Maybe they did.

I don't think they did. No I don't think they did. They put it on the other TVs and then the sound comes on. They turn the sound up and now Noam puts his mandolin down. He's in play. The owner is there. Estee the booker is there. Liz who runs the whole thing is there.

The manager of the Underground is there. Adrienne Apolici is there. She's like holding my hand because I'm like embarrassed. I got my hood on. I'm like I got to run. Right. Because the show that I'm on is moving forward right now. Yes it is.

Around the corner. So it comes on. All the crowd is looking over. They're like that's him. He's over there. Oh. Which to us we're just in showbiz. Everyone's on TV.

It's the whole thing. Right. But to these people at the bar. They just went to a bar on a Friday night. They're watching music and all of a sudden the guy on the TV is sitting next to them. Fun. Very fun. So they're like that's the guy on the.

It's blowing their minds. What a city we live in. My God. What a city. What a life. I think it's called Smiley Face. Yeah. I think that's it.

Smiley Face. Yeah. I think it's called that. Some face. But search Ryan Hamilton on Netflix. Watch his special. We've talked about him before. One of the best guys when I did Letterman I spent all my money on my suit so him and

Gary Goman split $400 a pair of shoes for me to wear one of the nicest things everyone's ever done. And he's the guy you want around when you're in the thick of it. Yeah. Just a sweat. I mean not just a good guy as a comic. Just a good guy. Great.

Great person. And he's what he's just belly laughing and clapping every joke he looks back. He's like give me the thumbs up. He's hitting everybody. How about this. Oh I love it. And Adrian was so sweet. She's like holding my leg and Liz is like you know hitting me and it was very exciting.

Everybody watched all together. Seaton Smith too was so cool and supportive and fun and Estie's laugh. Oh and that's very nice because comics are cynical were prickly bunch. So when they can shut it down their own egos for six seconds and help out another guy and congratulate and hold a leg and the whole thing. That's a nice moment. Yeah. They're all very kind to me.

It was very nice. So we watched the whole set and then it ends and everyone you know the crowd's applauding and everyone starts clapping and they're elbowing you and punching you and it's really exciting and I go thanks everybody. I love you. And then Aaron's like are we going to go. Oh. So now back to work.

I got an escort. So I got to walk through the restaurant and everyone's clapping as I'm walking by like back pass. And I'm like thank you. Thank you everybody. And they're like this is so crazy. I feel like Nixon. I was given a peace sign.

Well I'm not a crook. You're getting in your copter. Very exciting. And then I get outside and we jog around the corner to the underground. I get down there. Rachel finds that. It's like good night folks. She walks off.

I'm going right on. Wow. And I already focused. What do you want me to say? I was like you can tell I was just on the Tonight Show one minute ago. Yes. So then he goes up. He's like this motherfucker just went to the Tonight Show ladies and gentlemen Joe Litt.

I go out there and the crowd now it's late. It's like 1240. Yeah. They're drunk and they don't give a shit. And the first five minutes I'm eating it. Yeah you are. I mean it's like unbelievable. I get like that sweat.

Yeah. I'm like are you kidding me. Are you in the suit. No. No. Because it was the day after. Oh right. So I'm wearing like a Nantucket hoodie and G and they're like who's this guy.

We don't give a shit. Yeah. And like in between there it can be tough because it's getting late and the band plays and already gives away flowers and stuff. Oh yeah. So I'm kind of coming around and getting I went a little dirty and kind of was like what the fuck you got. I was just on the Tonight Show you faggot whatever.

Yeah. And I ended up getting them and having a good set but for like four minutes it was really tough sledding. Boy that's that's it in a nutshell folks. That's comedy. And you're just like boy I was on the Tonight Show you couldn't you can't get closer to being on the Tonight Show than I am. Yeah.

It was 50 seconds ago. Wow. I ended up getting them finished my set. I gave Liz a big hug. We never hugged but I was like thank you so much for everything that was so nice. Then Sarah's at the stand and I find out unbeknownst to me they're all watching over the stand. Oh shit. Because my wife is there.

So she's like you got to put on Joe. So it's me and Lara and Jordan Fisher and Dante and who have Tim Dillon. They were all watching. So there's two comedy clubs. I love it. In New York City playing my Tonight Show on a Friday night. That's the best. It's a special feeling.

So then I walk over there and now it's nice. I just put my phone away and I could feel it vibrate and all these people texting me because I was just on the fucking Tonight Show all these texts and I just had that nice lonely but in a good way walk from the cellar to the stand. I'm going to meet up with my wife. We meet up. We take a cab home. We watch the last episode of Wild, Wild Country.

We make love. We hug and snuggle and a special night but that walk from the cellar to the stand on a Friday night after it's Tonight Show air. That's an experience. Now are you reading the text with the walk or are you just taking in the lady? Every once in a while I'll hit a red light and I'll go oh wow there's you know my equipment and Dustin and Alvin David and Bulger all these Boston guys and just again just the kind.

I felt like I've been the recipient of so much kindness. I can't express my gratitude to everybody. You're all wonderful, wonderful people and I love you. Well it's a beautiful thing because we suck so much dicks throughout our career and there's a bomb and a rejection and an asshole and a dick hair and you get that night. That night's all yours baby and boy you really got to take it in when it happens because it's one in ten thousand. Yeah it's a special night and that's the thing I always say that because there's not that

many nights like that. You have hot sets but that's a very insular feeling you know there's just no people there and you go oh and you're trying to tell people you're talking to your mother going boy I really have killed and she's washing the dishes but they're the phone between her show oh that's great honey. She's got a baby crying. Yeah yeah and so it's nice to have that moment everyone gets to see and how many times have you done a set in comedy where you get the seller or wherever and you're like God I wish

everyone could have saw that. Oh dude on the road I get that I'm in the middle of Minneapolis or Denver and I'm like ah I'm alone here that was the best set of my life. Yeah if everyone saw that I would just be fine financially if they could just see what I have and you have that every once in a while with the TV you go wow everyone got to see that. Yes. That was really nice.

Yeah I mean again the channeling doc is changing my life I love this thing so much that tonight's show set when he to Bob Saget said he came back cried in my arms. Yeah I know that feeling because my first Conan was magic. Yeah. I'm not saying I had the best set I just said I felt it they felt it it felt like the world knew that I worked hard on this and that I had good jokes and it all came together and I didn't fuck up even I was terrified my asshole was literally spasming I was so nervous. Yeah.

And it just worked and I've never had the same feeling again but boy that's a nice moment. Yeah it's exciting so it's night it's night anytime like even like I talked about this with Hamilton that night therapy or going to therapy or working out at the gym or anytime you can feel or notice results it feels good it's like a great feeling or if you're learning an instrument all of a sudden you're like I just played a song right right or I've never done that but or like you know you master it and then you come and you go you wow I did it. Yeah I accomplished something.

I really I accomplished something. Yes. It's a great feeling so get out there folks and pursue those dreams take a picture play guitar kiss your dad or whatever you're going to do. Yeah and fail for God's sake go fail at something because that means you tried something new that you're not good at. Yeah if you're doing comedy please fail because there's too much competition. Yeah get out of here and you will fail because you're not that good but that's normal.

You're not supposed to be. Anyways that was a special night let me check my note I might have one more little thing here but I think that's why I'm getting sick of these these entitled dick-licking Nazis who come up to me and go hey I'm having a comedic woes I'm hitting a wall comedically can you give me some can we get coffee no we can't get coffee you're supposed to hit a wall you suck you have to learn to get better it'd be like somebody going I'm hitting keys on a piano and it doesn't sound like you know Sunday Bloody Sunday I don't know what I go work on it try again this there's no shortcut to this it's a thing just like

any other skill you got to get good at you got to work at it you got to bomb you got to get in front of crowds you got to write you got to you got to be hard you got to be cool you got to stay together was it indigable planets who was that band that's a Richard Attenborough joint Google that show house you got to be hard you got to be together you got to be wiser all I love it I bet that's about 1994 I would say a day is she in there I think that's a 1994 joint around there what's indigable planets Desiree 94 maybe 95 94 95 I'm gonna put the house on it the whole house Desiree this is dead air a Wikipedia page for that song but get back to digable planets

when you get a chance because that was something have you seen the movie hard times with Charles Bronson 1975 now you got to check it out it's an old movie in the 70s from the 75 and it's about it was originally called Street Fighter but that was like another movie so they changed it to hard times every movie is the same with him his kid gets killed he has to get revenge well this is he's a Street Fighter and it's shot on location New Orleans it's a beautiful New Orleans movie it's all shot location and James Corden is in it not him Corden he's young James Colburn Colburn he's scary you gotta go watch this movie if nothing it's a cool movie and it's good but if nothing else for the New Orleans stuff

I was thinking of you and masturbating I like a gritty fight movie go ahead and let me know that that was 1994 that was 1994 what a year that was that was Pulp Fick Pulp Fiction I think Gump Gump and Shawshank and I think Lion King if I'm not a quiz show alright boy that I can't I have more pride in pulling out the Desiree 94 than the Tonight Show can we get diggable planets what's that a plan they had a song similar to that my brother was into them and I if they don't exist I'm gonna call senility right now cuz I'm done boy 94 I feel so good that was good that was good what I know is all I boop boop boop yeah she was cool Desiree Shelby's trying on a new face right now it looks weird I'd

say keep it as long as it's different re rebirth is slick that's like the band I mean that's the song they made was that their hit so the band exists oh yeah thank God I look like a loon over here diggable planet and then who's saying Mr. Wendell that was the rest of development Mr. Belvedere two dollars means a snack to you but it means a big deal to him wait wait go give me a hint of that's a lick of that bar I don't want to pay for it oh right I don't know how that works I don't know who this lemony split and who would you say with the rest of development had a window that was like their big song that was a TV show no mr. Belvedere was a show mr. Wendell was a song a rest of development was a show oh

yeah that was a show as well alright it's also a term that I'll use occasionally people like the other show and I'm like what what is the term I don't get it a rest of development like yeah you probably got a touch of yourself like that's why I hear a lot alright the rest of development means like your development stopped oh like you know like you meet people that are like I'm like a child like you know fucking Tim Dillon's chewing his mouth open that's a rest of development oh okay that's a you know I think it's a weird term because it means that means someone else did it well they locked it in the car I think it was put away what is it my development black kid oh boy yeah well they're getting you know well

at it hey we gotta wrap it up here for God's sake yeah well alright I'm gonna listen to that song we're done well it takes us a day and I have to wrap up call in if you know why am I sitting like this it's a very odd position well I'm getting a comfy my butt I know butt protection I have a very small bony butt I have the same thing I've been doing squats I squat but it doesn't your butt doesn't just blow up I don't think well you gotta get the weights on there but I saw a shot of my ass in the mirror and I almost called the police oh mine is droopy and pimply yes I get the ass of a 90 year old Asian woman it's real bad I feel bad I mean I think someone said this before it was Louis or Big J we

were at a party but and I but I do the same they got back out of a room oh tell me but I do the moonwalk if my wife saw my ass was a moon just one it's crater you know there's a man on it it's a flag it's a flag it's a myth um anyways well you got down to a c-section scar and you're tummy yeah I'm red I'm dying I'm sweating there's no air in here that's your Indian name Red Gut there's no airflow there's a Mexican looking in the window I don't know what's going on is that similar Indian in the cover that's the sequel Mexican in the window book yeah 85 look it up no 85's too early I'm gonna say that was 91 no I think it's an old book that we read in 90s I did a book from like the 1480s it came back into

fruition yeah what is fruition are you like a frittata it's like getting to school school oh what tuition I see how about truancy that's a word truancy yeah that's uh truant finds home uh you gotta be cool you gotta get together all right where are we gonna be I mean I have I have a bunch of new dates but they're down the road but uh you keep your ears out your eyes out I got Hartford coming up and Syracuse date with a supermodel it seems like Denver and Jew I got a lot of stuff coming up I'll start adding the dates but some of them are too far out but uh do you tell your lady about these ladies I will I think I think it's nice I think it's desire makes you desire ah sexy sun syndrome have you heard of that no what's

that's where women like guys and other women like hmm I don't know why it's called sexy sun but like Ed Sheeran looks like the back of my asshole but women like him therefore more women will like him and it just keeps growing and growing interesting yeah yeah aha it's like in the village when they all want this one guy then they go I guess I want him too and if I get him I feel better about myself because everybody else wants him wow desire well which is a project in New Orleans um but anyway Syracuse and then Hartford I got Albany funny bone at some point and uh so I'm coming to town near you Tacoma is coming up soon fast and soon and Spokane Tacoma the 26th and 27th and Spokane the 28th fun weekend so uh come out to that if you're the Pacific Northwest drive down

drive up drive over let's have some fun and uh what else is coming oh side splitters in Tampa the first weekend in May I got canner coming with me come out to that and uh also hilarities I have this year I got a lot of stuff coming up hyenas in Dallas so hit me up for the dates if you tweet me or message me email me I'll send you the dates um and then check out my website comedian Joe list and thanks for and watch the stand-ups and tell people to watch it watch stand watch tonight show watch cone and keep leaving those comments I've been reading them I read the comments I'm a fucking sucker for uh evil and I read them all so I appreciate every I've seen all of them uh I'm at the Columbus funny bone this weekend come out that's a big room and I love that city my favorite

city in Ohio I'm sorry Cleveland I like it but uh you know Columbus bananas and uh Hasbrook Heights New Jersey come on out to that moon tower live up coming on there at Anton's or Anton's go pack Joe save the day on that yes thank you Phil we love you and come to that third blue tower is gonna be fun I got a couple Texas trips Dallas and Austin giddy up little doggy then I'm at Baltimore Magoobies uh Acme in Minneapolis let's sell that puppy out folks that's gonna be a hot one have I've never been to this club I'm excited I hear nothing but good it's amazing that I'm in Dayton Ohio with my fat friend Chris Allen who's losing weight anyway Chris yeah the guns too then comedy work in Denver uh Denver come on out I love that city I love all of you

Clusterfest in San Francisco then uh Levity live West Nyak and uh Gotham Comedy Club in New York Saturday Big Apple and then uh you know we're doing a lot dicking around I mean New Orleans in August too so come home sweet child of mine thanks for everything hit the Facebook hit the Twitter hit your son in the face fuck your daughter tell everybody you like us we'll see you in hell praise Allah wow patreon t-shirt panel