Tuesdays with Stories! - #240 Bloodshot Crowfeet

Episode Date: April 10, 2018

Hot tamale! Mark & Joe are back to get into Marks ride with the most aggressive black car driver ever on the way to a gig and Joe's trip to Madison Square Garden with Greg Stone to Billy Joel! Check it out! We're doing a LIVE pod with special guests at the Village Underground in NYC on May 7th! Reserve tickets here: www.comedycellar.com/ We now have WEEKLY bonus eps with Mark & Joe talking about whatever! Get on it! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download Go on iTunes and give the pod a #5StarLunch review!1

This is a Stand Up New York Labs production, providing you podcasts since 2013. Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard.

And then the duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody.

Yeah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. Hi! Hi everybody, it's Joe List. I'm gay for real now. Just kidding. I'm Joe List. Hey Mark, you wanna say something?

Oh hey, I was enjoying that voice. That was good stuff. That was fun. Hi! Hello! That one was off. Ah damn. Well that one, it didn't feel like you being gay.

It felt like you going, hi. Is that what my hi sounds like? Like this is like, you did this. Hi! That was almost musical. I just went, hi! Try again. Which one am I going for?

Just a regular your voice, but gayer. Alright. Hi! That's better. Alright! But at first you were doing, hi! Like you were doing a, hi! I think it got good to me as prior would say.

It was fun to do that noise. Oh, interesting. It was fun. I never did lady voice on stage. Like Bill Byrd does it. I can't be like, hi! Everyone in my act just sounds like me. I'm the same, I don't do gay voice either.

And I had a guy at the seller Carl, the gay waiter, said I appreciate how you don't do that. And I said thank you for noticing. Oh, nice. Yeah, I just say, this woman said this to me and I said this to her and he said that to me. Right. I never wanted to be like, and then my wife walks up and she's like,

hello Joe! Yeah. You know, I'm married to Mrs. Doubtfire. Help is on the way! It's a drive-by fruiting. Run by! Run by! Alright.

On accident. The cum stay is still on the wall by the way. I figured that would be painted over. Oh, cum stay. Good podcast. It feels like we were just here. Life is getting weird. It's all blurring.

Yeah. We were here a minute ago. You know, I was talking to, I did another pod earlier and they were asking about, you know, doing Conan a few times and they said, he must know you by now. Has no idea who I am. Six times. No, he knows.

He has no idea. He knows. Every time I go, he goes, hey, nice to meet you. Every time. No, he knows. I swear to God. What are you talking about? Jay, the booker knows me.

Obviously, the crew knows me. The band goes, hey, what's up, Faggot? But Conan, no idea. He knows. He knows. He's been there for 35 minutes even on the show. He has no idea. He says, nice to meet you.

Come on. Uh-huh. Well. He's tall. I get it. He's very tall. Good guy. Nice guy.

I see him. He goes, hey, how about those Red Sox? You know, I went to Harvard and got a red dick. Really? Yeah. He knows about the red dick. Jesus. The red dick.

Damn. The Boston Red Dicks. That was their original name, but they felt like they wouldn't be able to sell as many tickets. Uh-huh. What was the, the Negro League had a funny name? Well, it's a funny name. They got called in the stands.

Yeah, that's true. The mud hens. There was something like that. Like the dirty birds or the blood clot or something. A lot of these, the little league, not the little league, the minor league teams have weird names. Like there's the, the bachelors and the, the lollygag or some bullshit. New Orleans minor league is the baby cakes, which is like, what are you doing to me?

Wow. That sounds horrible. Baby cakes. Baby cakes. I think it has something to do with the king cake having a baby in it. That's what I put together after hours of staring at it. After hours. My favorite Scorsese movie.

Not my favorite, but definitely a great one. Who's that? Griffin Dunn. Dunn. Yeah. He was cute. Cute guy. Cute movie in Soho in the 80s or 70s.

Yeah, it's right by that open mic. Crosby Street. Five Crosby. Remember that open mic? You called in the phone and you went upstairs. Yeah. Those were good times. That always, that open mic always bothered me because people had the opportunity, this

is a comedy term, to give the time back to the show or whatever. Well, you got 10 minutes. You got 10 minutes, but people would feel like they had to do the full 10 minutes, even though they only had three minutes. Sure. Like they'd be checking their watch, being like, what else? And like, you know, don't fill the time. Yeah.

Just leave so somebody else can get on. I mean, I get it, though. A stage time was so precious in those days, though, that you just felt like you couldn't let it go. I know, but if you only have a certain amount of material, then you're just wasting our time. No, I agree. Right.

There was a guy at the pit open mic, the old pit, People's Improv Theater, and he would go on and go, I have no material, but I need to learn how to get comfortable being on stage. And he would stand there in silence for like his four minutes or whatever. Oh, what a circus. What a circus. Get out of here, you fucking fruit cup. Yeah, that was Kevin Hart. Wow.

Boy, that's silly. I mean, go stand in the, you know, Madison Square Park or something. Yeah, stand in the showers at the gym naked, but don't do this. Yeah. It's 11 at night. People want, I hate these people that are in the way of comedy. Yeah. Whether like, I'm an actor and I'm playing a, you know, a sailor and I have to stand

and so I gotta, I might not open mic and you're like, why not get lost? Yeah, yeah. This is for comics. He's stunk. I got into a big fight with the host of that show because he said, you can't do any rape stuff, whatever. Somebody did a rape joke last night and a girl cried and so I just went all rape and he would like cut the mic on me and I just kept going and he was like, get off the stage.

I was like, fuck you. I'm doing my four minutes. You can't tell me what I can talk about. You're an open mic host. Wow. What do you know? All rape. That's a tough one to pull off.

Surprisingly, I could pull it off. Sounds like one of those baseball leagues. All rape? The all rape league. Oh yeah. Well, maybe in Jamaica. Where do they rape a lot? Everywhere.

I think I've heard Jamaica's got rape. No kidding. Yeah, I imagine so. I think rape is everywhere from the beginning of time. Prison, that's a big. Prison show. Yeah, that's big. Yeah.

Also Jamaica, very homophobic I hear. Oh, is that right? Yeah. I think that's everywhere also. It's a dangerous, scary world out there. America really is pretty great. I mean, we have rape and racism obviously as well. But at least we call it out and we say, hey, hey, and we shake a fist at it.

Yeah, that was a finger. Thank you. Well, that's why my asshole hurts. I got this confused. Oh, I had something good. Oh, I was watching. By the way, folks, if you want to laugh, I've been talking about this. I want a real kick here.

If you want to laugh, hit pause and go watch the Alec Baldwin episode of comedians and guards. I've been tweeting everybody, emailing. I'm on the hands and knees crawling and laughing and crying. You realize we have to tip her $1,000. It's so good. He tells the riptorn fast forward to the riptorn story. It's the hardest I've ever laughed in anything in my life.

I cracked him in the jaw and kicked him in the ball. It's unbelievable. It's so funny. Some people keep telling this and they're like, yeah, but he's a piece of shit. He called his daughter a pig. I'm like, all right, well, you don't have to have breakfast with him. Yes, he's funny. Just watch a video of him.

I don't get it. I never got that. I don't understand that thing of life, but it's not even like you're buying a ticket. No. You're not even giving him money. Just watch a video of him being hilarious. What difference does it make? I know.

It's funny. I know this is jumping a few potholes here, but you know, they love R. Kelly, but he's an asshole too. But he's ignition plays 24-7 in every elevator. I think he urinated on an underage woman. Many. I mean, this is like absurd. Yeah.

And we all, you know, we like what's that long hip hopper he had. I remember it was like a long thing. I never knew anything about R. Kelly. I just knew I could believe I could fly. Trapped in the closet. Trapped in the closet. Oh. Thank you.

That was better than a diggable planets. That took about an hour and a half. All right. That was fun. Thank you for clearing that up, folks. By the way, I thought that was one of our best episodes ever. I didn't get a ton of tweets about it. Do we do okay?

Was it okay? I thought it was a great one. I got a few tweets and they're in there on this Tuesday's Twitter. You got to dig a little. Right. Maybe they're tired of tweeting, but. You got a diggable planet. Speaking of tweets and love, at the time that you're hearing this, I am on the mend.

I'm having oral surgery Monday. Oh. So yesterday, for you guys listening, I finally, I'm trying to be a buffalo. A buffalo and the sheep or whatever. They roam. The buffalo run into the storm to shorten the length of the store. But the sheep or the horses, somebody runs away from it, but it ended up being in it longer. I like it.

So I'm trying to, I'm finally getting this appointment. It's been three years of putting off this fucking wisdom tooth. I'm going in and it's Monday morning. I got a hotel in the city on Sunday night. Get out of here. I don't want to deal with the morning commute. I said, I'll get a hotel. We'll have sex.

We'll have anal. I'm like, it's only 140 bucks. I'm paying three grand for the tooth anyway. Holy hell, but you're making it like a stay case. Well, this way I can walk the night before. You're in a hotel, so it feels a little kind of fun and weird. You know, hopefully I'll see my wife's tits and we'll kiss. And then that way I can wake up and walk over there, but I'm going to be all loopy because I'm getting knocked out for it.

Yeah. And so right now, tweet some love or some something. I'm all drugged out and losing my mind. Is she going to bring you like an abortion? Like, is she going to walk you in and walk you out? Yeah, you need somebody to escort you. Yeah. You're going to be loopy and goopy.

So I got to have somebody. I'm going to be bleeding out of my face. You're going to have a big cotton wads full of blood in your cheeks. I know. And this thing's like, it's sideways. I'm freaking out. I'm just thinking about it. It makes me dizzy.

Thinking about it. I'm going to faint. I got to tell you, as a guy who's done it, I did it when I was, I don't know, 17 or maybe like 19. I can't remember, but you get so knocked out. You wake up. You're just swollen like a mofo. And then my dad, I remember I stood up in the chair and I fell down. He went, you're drunk.

And then he walked me out. Oh boy. And it wasn't that bad. I fell asleep that afternoon and I had drooled all of my pillow. My pillow was beat red. It looked like a menstrual epidemic. Oh jeez. Yeah.

But it was fun. It didn't hurt. I got it all out and I was chip shaped. Yeah. I'm going to take some drugs, I guess, but it's mine is like sideways and impacted and sticking. They got to crack it in half and I cracked them in the jaw. And then they had to take it out piece by piece and then so what?

That's going to be sutured. I'm really just, I'm happy about it. Sutured is what? Is that the burning? Nah. I think it's like a staple leaf. I think it's similar to a stitch. Oh, I'm thinking of Carterise.

Don't look it up because I'm afraid of, I don't want to hear about it or see about it. Carterise for? Who's Cartwright? So anyways, send some love if you don't mind. I'm on the man. I'm terrified. So when are you doing it exactly? Monday morning.

Oh shit. I might still be like, oh God, I'm dead. Yeah, I know. So anyways, that's what's going on. Well, God love you. That mouth is, it's tiny, but it packs a wallop. Well, here's the thing too. I've spent so much of my time obsessing about it and I eat and I go, I'm sucking food.

I got one of those hooks. We all noticed. When I am supposed to have a hook. That wasn't for dentists. I bought a dentist hook. I'm in there hooking and driving. Yeah. I got a mirror back there.

I wash the whole thing. It's every meal three times a day. So I'm suffering. Yes. Yes. I'm hoping to not suffer any longer. What was the other thing you had? The incorporation.

What was that? The root canal. Root canals. Yes. I had three root canals last year and a tooth pole. Now I'm having two more teeth pole. I still need another root canal in this motherfucker. Good Lord.

Get them all out. Fuck it. I got a bad mouth. Bad mouth. Over and out. All right. Well, tell me some things. I got one big, fun, juicy thing.

All right. Well, we'll interchange. Let's interchange. All right. Great movie. So I got to tell you about it. Last time we recorded, I believe it was Wednesday. And I said I got to go straight from here to the Empire Casino, eight o'clock gig.

They picked me up at 6.30 or whatever the hell we got out of here. And I remember I had to pee so bad. I was like, I want to walk around with you. But unfortunately, the limo guy was already here. And I remember I answered the phone on speaker and you heard the guy and you go, he's going to be brutal. He's a problem. He was so beyond brutal.

I can't even describe it. He's probably listening, though, because he seemed like he knew you. He didn't. He didn't. Oh, OK. But I don't think this guy, I got in this Lincoln town car. This thing, every seat was ripped. They had an old car phone dangling.

Oh. And the buttons were missing. There was a crack in the windshield. The roof had the dippy fabric. The dippy fabric. Oh, I remember that. He had to push up. It was like a mosquito net.

Oh. It was all out of whack. And this guy, big, fat, Irish guy, looked kind of Jim Brewery, but his hair was more fucked up. He had more facial hair. Big old popped eyes. He was obviously on PCP or Angel Dust or Primo or whatever you want to call it. The Giorno.

And it's not delivery. And he looks in the bay. He's driving like that. One hand on the wheel, one hand looking at me. Oh, like Lloyd Christmas. Yes. He was on the road, man. And he was so fucked up.

He was so crazy eyes with the spider web. What do you call those? The red? Crow's nest. Crow's feet. The eyes. The eyes. Bloodshot.

Bloodshot. Bloodshot. Crow's feet. Yeah. That sounds like a Native American. Bloodshot. Crow's feet. So he's just like, where are you from?

Cat. You know, old school New York guy. I was like, ah, New Orleans. Like, ah, Nola. Who that? Yeah. I was like, where are you from? Boogie down Bronx, motherfucker.

Ah. He hits the gas. I go flying backwards. By the way, they're hiring nuts. Because I remember, I think I even did an episode. I had a similar nut. Ah. He was driving in the yonkers and peeling out and skidding marks.

Yes. Yes. Skidding. This guy was all over the road. He flipped off a bus at one point. Oh, my God. The bus was getting in front of me. I got to flip a ball.

He just goes around. Ah. They think because they're comedians. They got comedians in the back. They got to put on a big show. Is that what it is? That's what it is. If you've said it before, I don't trust these white drivers.

Ah-ha. Give me an old school African or an Indian or a Pakistani. Yes. And they're talking on the phone to their uncle the whole time. But they're secure. What do you call it? It's safe. Safe hands.

Ten and two, baby. Yeah. An old freeman from Miss Daisy. Yes. These whites. They're like, I wrestle a gate once. You faggot. And I'm like, just fucking pay attention.

Yeah. Well, this guy's like, this neighborhood's gone. This neighborhood's over. This neighborhood used to be good Irish. And now it's fucking Pakistani Dominican. You're like, all right, all right. Keep driving. I'm from New York.

What of it? Yeah. Yeah. He's that guy. But he's Irish from the Bronx. He's like, my parents straight off the boat. Fight me. Fight me.

I'm like, I'm not fighting you. Look at the road. So. I hate these people. Of course, it's 630. So we're in the middle of Russia on the West Side Highway. So he goes, I know a better way. And he pulls off.

Now we're into the, we're in Westchester. What is that called? Riverdale. Riverdale. We're in Riverdale. Oh, Riverdale, the Bronx. Yeah, we're in Riverdale. And he's just going up.

And he's like, I know Charlie lives there. My uncle Daniel lives there. My aunt fucked me in that house and all this. Like, Jesus Christ. I think I had the same guy. Because I remember being on back roads in Yonkers. Yes. And I kept being like, I was like Berkowitz.

He's like, Berkowitz, you don't know the half of it. Son of Sam. Yeah. Yeah. So, of course, we get that. He was pretty good. We got there in like six minutes, you know. So now I'm at Empire Casino at 704.

The show's at eight. And I'm headlining. Can I just say, before we move on from the driver. Please. I didn't like him on the phone. I didn't like, remember, we finished the pile. We were going to go for a walk and the guy was already honking and waving. Like, he saw you somehow.

Honking and waving. That was him. He must have had your head shot up on the rear view mirror. Well, I said, how'd you know it was me? He goes, oh, I knew. Yes. See, I don't like those auspicious. Yeah.

What's auspicious mean? What's the idea? Auspicious. What do you got, Sheldown? I don't know. It's something. It is something. It's like suspicious, but better.

Awesome. Or worse. Awesomely suspicious. Okay. Put those lips to work. Ostrac. Characterized by success. All right.

He's not auspicious. No, no success there. I guess he's just suspicious. Yeah. I guess I didn't realize why no one calls me auspicious. Characterized by, so what, use that in a sentence. It was not the most auspicious moment to hold an election. Like.

Not a good time. This is about November of 2016. Hey, folks. All right. Anyways, you get dropped off. Anyway, call in if you use auspicious. Yeah. So yeah, I get dropped off and I'm trying to be nice to the guy because he's so, he's

like on the edge all the time. So I just want to like get out of there and not to have any, you know, beef. Yeah. So I go, hey, who's driving me back? He goes, I don't know, brah, but I got to do, I got shit to do like saying like, I can't just take care of you, faggot, you know, like I got to do my own thing. And I was like, all right, sorry. And of course, well, we'll get to that.

But I get to the casino. I'm an hour early and I'm headlining. So you got to wait an hour again to go on, basically. So they go, hey, hey, get, get some food. The food's good. And I go, all right. It is good food. It's okay food.

It's all right. Did you see Louis the bartender? Yeah. They all got some carolines. Oh, no, I didn't see him. Oh. Oh, I wish. The old carolines guy.

Just like an old fat Italian guy with a vest. And so the waiter. Oh, okay. So then the waiter comes up and it's just me alone in a giant ballroom. Nobody's sitting in the seats, the openers out there, whatever. So I'm sitting there and the waiter comes up. He's like, I don't actually work here. I work in the restaurant.

They send me up here. That's the first thing he says to me. I'm like, all right, great. Sorry. So I go, what's good? He's like, I've never had the food. I go, Jesus Christ. All right.

So I just give me this and the bolognese and whatever to the Italian joint. Now in walks the feature act. Oh, who is it? I'm excited. I can't remember his name, but he was like Tony Kuchimachi, you know, like crazy Italian name, short guy from Jersey. And he's like, we work together in Pennsylvania at the Balaba Blah Theater. You had said of the night.

And I was like, Jesus Christ, nice to see you again. I don't remember any of this. That sounds nice. Yeah. He's very nice and funny guy. At the backstage, he was really funny and cracking me up. And so he's sitting there with me now. And he's one of these guys who just stares at you when you talk to him, you know, like,

like he takes too long to answer a question, like ask me a random, innocuous, auspicious question. All right. What was the name of your bus stop in elementary school? Oh, geez. I'll tell you, I took the bus every day for 48. And you're like, all right. I need a guess or no or a quick answer.

It was one of those. But sweet guy nonetheless. I could, I could find a flaw in any cunt. Yeah, of course. But nice guy. So finally people start trickling in. Everybody's, you know, on Metamucil, Paxil, everybody's 60 plus years and pounds. Large people.

Yeah. A lot of house coats. Yeah. Well, that'd be weird. A lot of house coats, a lot of wigs, a lot of curlers, a lot of canes, a lot of stroke canes. So I go in, I mean, they're all walking in. I'm like, oh, this is going to be tough.

I've heard horror stories about this gig, but fuck it. It's paying pretty well. I got a meal. Tony Kamuchi's nice. We'll have a good time. So the host goes up to the girl, forgot her name. She's very nice. She does, she has a rough one.

They're like, she's doing like the tried and true. And she's going like, okay, let's see what else I can bomb with. That's what that room is like. Yeah. They suck it. They suck it right out of you. And so Tony goes up and he's got a suit on. He's got a tie, he cares comb, looks like Sinatra.

And he goes up and he goes, hit it! They start playing Brutal Mars. He's in the audience doing this shit, doing the clapping. Oh, man. And they're laughing. It's like a sing-along. It's like a jimberee. They're all popping and blocking and jiving.

They love it. And then he goes up and says, he's doing a handstand. He does a handstand. Not Tony Orlando. No, no, no. He's kicking to the beat, like kicking his legs up to the beat. You know? And I was like, ah!

They're loving it. It was like Bobby Darin in the 50s. They're all going crazy. What is he, a mule? He was a fit little mech. I'll tell you that. Or guinea, I should say. He was a fit guinea.

And this guy was killing. And he goes, ladies, ladies. I got it. If he ever hears this, he's going to kill me and himself. But he goes, ladies, ladies, ladies. Come on. Everything was ladies. And they would go, you guys, kids today are crazy.

Remember, no, no, I got a cousin. He's got a trampoline. You know what we call a trampoline back in the old day? A mattress. But he's killing. He's killing. Well, those rooms are big with that. This back then is like this.

And now it's like that. Exactly. That's a big way to do it. Big. Because they're all old. So they're like, oh, things are different now. But I'm like, the trampolines were around then. Right, right.

You know? We wore seatbelts back now. We got a jump rope attached to a fucking window shade. Yeah. We used to slide from side to side in that back seat. You used to get bruises on your legs from hitting the door. Yeah, all that shit. But he is annihilating.

And, you know, killing for this room is pretty good because they were not warm. No, it's a tough room. So I go up. But he comes up. He's like, great. You're going to leave sweating. You know, he's like, his shirt's undone.

His tie's on his forehead. They love you. They're going to love you. They love me. They're going to love you. So I go up the night back in the blah, blah, blah theater in Pennsylvania. I was like, yes.

All right. So I go up. Opener bombs. First line bomb. I'm riffing around the room. Now that bombs. I bomb my balls off for like the first 20 minutes. And eventually I just snap.

And I go like, what do you want? These jokes work. I've done them on TV. I had like a sad meltdown. It was embarrassing. Yeah. These people brought it out of me. They're tough.

They're tough, Jerry. They're living tough. They're not in good spot. I think if you're at, no offense to anybody that attends, but I think if you're at the Yonkers fucking raceway on a Wednesday, things have not gone well. You know what I mean? I think that's a fair assess.

It's like when you see someone walking up the interstate, like something has gone wrong. Right, right. You're not supposed to be at the Yonkers raceway on a Wednesday at nine. Yeah. And it sucks too because, you know, we've got, both of us have some decent credits tonight show, our special

Conan's, whatever. I would say exceptional credits. Comedy Central. Yeah. And I'm looking over this, this Italian guy has zero credits, but he just killed. I'm looking over to the guy who booked the show and like set the room up and his head is in his hands.

That's how bad I'm bombing. Boy. And I was like, God damn. And I had a few jokes where like, it got like a titter where they would like go, okay, that was okay. They still wouldn't laugh. But they'd be like, that wasn't bad. Right.

But they wouldn't laugh. So it was just mean after a while. And so now I just started going, fuck it. If I'm going down, I'm going down swinging. So I just started making fun of how old they were. And I'm like, you guys are close to death. You might as well have a good time. You're all going to die soon.

Your relatives hate you. And I just really dug in. And that was kind of working. Yeah. In a weird way. Well, it's very New York too. These New Yorkers, New Jersey, Tri-State area. They want to be shit on.

Good point. Hey, look at you, you fat fuck. Look at your belt. What is that? A fucking belt. And then they go. Yes. You know.

And I forgot to say, in the beginning when we were eating, we're all eating, there's no green room. We're just eating amongst the mortals. And these people come in and they go, we were here last week. Are you the comedian? Yeah. We were here last week. They sucked.

You better be good. Jeez. You bet. It's like, what the fuck am I human being? I'm not your little puppet show. No puppet. I guess I am. I don't know.

So I go up by bomb. I get like three good laughs out of an hour. And I got the light and I kept going. I was like, I'm getting something out of this. It was like that mic, you know, I went too long. Because I was like, I'm staying up here. So I totally bombed. And then at one point I broke.

I was like, you should have had Tony headline. This is crazy. They don't want to see me, you know, blah, blah, blah. And I got off. And you know that feeling when you get off and you immediately go, I shouldn't have said all that. Yeah. Because you're on that stage.

You get that power. Yeah. And then you get off and you're like, that was all bad. Then you walk back over to Tony and the host and they're kind of like, hey, it's that weird awkward shit. We're like, you bombed. I said maybe too much. Yeah.

Yeah. But so fuck it. So I go, I'm getting out of here. I just go down the escalator. I text the car. He's like, here's the car number. Text the number. And the phone rings.

And I pick it up and he goes, boogie down Bronx. I'm a block away. And I go, oh, I got the guy back. Oh, jeez. And then at the door he thought he was doing me a favor. Because he's like, I did some changing around so I could, you could have me. Right.

And so we drove all the way to the stand from Yonkers. And it was a long ride. He talked the whole time. He told me all the street jokes he knows. And I was going, yeah, yeah, get out of here. What are you going to do? And then he kept fucking up the address. Like I would say it's 20th and 3rd.

And he'd be like, all right. And we'd get to 46th and 9th. And he'd be like, here we are. I was like, I said 20th and 3rd. And he's like, oh, that was an address I had earlier. What is it? 20th and 3rd? All right.

Then we'd go to 33rd and 9th. 33rd and 1st. And he's like, here we are. And he did that three times. Oh, my God. And eventually I just got out at Flatiron. I was like, I'm getting out. I was just 23rd and I'm getting out.

So I had to walk to the stand. And it was quite an experience. But I made it in time for my second spot at the stand. Ari's there. Me and Ari, I tell Ari about the whole thing. Me and Ari had the best talk ever. We just sat there, two chumps, chatting it up. And Ari goes, well, I'm going to go home.

And I said, I'll walk you home. And he's like, all right. And then he goes, well, actually I got to pick up some ginger at the grocery store. So now we're at the grocery store. And we walked around the grocery store for like an hour. Oh, wow. Just talking in the grocery store.

Like Larry and Jerry. It was. I told him that. I made that same comment. And he's like, I never watched the show. It's not for me. The main street or something. Yeah.

So then we talked all about comedy. We talked about life at the biz. And then he went home and I went home. But we hung out for like five hours. I got home at like three in the morning. He's a good hang. He loves to chat. Great hang.

And he's got that calming gay vibe. Yeah. He's just zen, nice. He's kind of got it all figured out in a way. Not everything. Yeah. Not everything. Not the act.

But you know. The face is tough. Face is a problem. Big, big honker. Hey, hey, folks, you know what you're doing. You know who you're listening to. You got to get a Casper. We all love Casper.

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Well, speaking of Tri-State MOOCs. Yes. I had a big night last Wednesday the same night. You hopped in the car to go up to the thing. Where'd you go? I walked from here, stand up New York, 78th and Broadway all the way down to 33rd and 7th, which is a long walk.

That is long. Found a great place to shit, by the way. I know a few great places. The Intercontinental on 44th and 8th. If you're ever in midtown. I know that place well. Downstairs is like the meeting rooms, though. What do you call it?

The meeting rooms. I go down, there's an escalator. Nobody's dead. Not a soul is down there. It's all carpeting. I find a men's room. It's got like four to ceiling windows. I mean, unbelievable bathroom.

The stalls are wood. There's classical music. I was the only one in there. Wow. I took a three-day dump. Nice. Didn't leave till Friday morning. Great place.

Intercontinental. Take a big dump. 44th and 8th. Intercontinental. Right across from Smith's. Yes. Three-day dump. Three-double-d.

Yeah. Uh-huh. Three doors down. Step back from that ledge, my friend. Another three. What do you call it? That guy is a lisp. I'm with you.

Step out from that ledge, my friend. This is like, what are you doing? We should have had him to the high. Steve Jenkins. There's also a three-dog night. Oh, yeah. One is the loneliest night. No, no, no, no, no.

That's them. That's a... That's a three-dog night. I think they stole it. What? They covered that. Don't tell me the guy's name. Randy Newman wrote...

Mama told me not to come. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. They covered that. That was big.

My mama wish he had told me. Wait a minute. Three-dog nighthead. Jeremiah was a mole from... Harry Nielsen. Harry Nielsen wrote one as the loneliest night. Oh, is that right? I think he did.

And he's from Brooklyn. Love Harry Nielsen. Love Harry. Very depressed. Spaceman. Spaceman. That was one of the songs. About Bill Lee.

I thought that was Zeld and John. No, that's Rocket Man. Ah, different. Harry Nielsen also had... Can't live without you. It is without you. It is without you. They call it blue-eyed soul.

Basically, it would mean a white guy could sing. Well, speaking of singers and dumps, I walked all the way from San Diego, York, all the way down to Madison Square Garden to go see our old pal Billy Joel. The Piano Man. Courtesy of my manager. I appreciate it, old CB.

Thank you for the tics. Hot tics. I got nothing better to get a hookup. Is there anything better than a hookup? Love a hook and an up. Well, you get a hookup. It's really exciting. I got Greg Stone meeting me.

How about this? I go, Stone, meet me down there at the garden. What are you doing before? He's writing for this TV show. Then he walks over. He's going to do his podcast. Guess where he records his podcast? New podcast studio.

The Rad Dude. Yeah, guess where they record? There's a new studio in town. Is it not? It's not the legions. No, it's at Madison Square Garden. Why? There's a podcast studio in Madison Square Garden.

Why? We perform there. We got to get in. We got to get in. We got to talk to him. But he was upstairs, like on the balcony or whatever. What? Yeah, he's got a podcast studio up there.

Who found that? I don't know how it works. Stone will surprise you. I'm sure we'll be there soon. But anyways, he takes the elevator down. I'm kidding. Take that out. Well, we'll bring Shelby with.

Are you fitting a shoe box? Put some holes in it. Those lips will be sprouting out the finger holes. So anyways. Finger hole in a foothold. We get down there. I meet up with Greg Stone. You got to go through security.

This is annoying. All this. Fuck the terrorists. I hate these terrorists. They hurt good people. I don't think they're nice people. Because now you got to go through security. And it's the garden.

Everyone's flooding in at once. And there's like 10 lines. And I'm in a line to go through the, what do you call it? The electric use in the metal detector. Metal detector. Yeah. I got to go through the metal detector. And then there's, I'm in this line.

I'm like, I'm just committed to this line. We're sitting there. The line next to me, people are blowing past me. 20 people at a time. Because this guy, he's checking the bags like this. Okay. Go ahead. Double check.

Great. Go ahead. My guy thinks he's fucking Wyatt Earp up there. He's taken the 60 year old Jersey woman's purse and he's moving stuff around. Oh, come on. And the lady behind me, you know, it's all these like, you know, Jersey Long Island women with big hair. I appreciate that.

The guy over there should be fired. He should be fired because one of us can be victimized by a gun shooting because he's not even doing his job. And I'm like, what are you crazy? It's Billy Joel. Yes. Just do a fake pass through and then let us through, you know. Wow.

So it takes me like a half hour to get through security and there's nothing worse than watching people just fly by. You can't just jump lines because now you're cutting. Right. And the whole thing. But I hate these tattletail yentas, you know, like, they're full of hairspray and makeup and that's why they're going to die alone. It's like, but it's also like usually discretion in searching the bag.

It's like a handbag the size of my dick and he's like, oh, he's like browsing through there. I'm like, she's got no gun. Come on. It's a spotty bag. Plus it's a good way to die going out to the piano, man. You got that right. I love you.

Just the way you. Big shot. I wouldn't mind having a heart attack. During that show. You had to be a big shot. Baby. But anyways, we go in there. We pick up the seats.

It's always exciting picking up the tickets when you have a hookup because you don't know where you're sitting yet. Yeah. So you kind of rip open that envelope and I look and we're at 15 rows from the stage. Oh. Understage 15 rows back floor seats. So exciting. I meet up with stone and then as soon as stone goes in there, I'm like, Elton John, baby

rocket man. Everyone's looking at us like we're retarded. Some people are laughing. Some people are like, these guys are idiots. That was fun. We're doing that gag. That's fun. I love that gag.

And then we get in there. We sit in there and there's like beautiful women there actually. It was exciting. A lot of old timers. They like BJ. Yeah. A lot of old. Most women don't.

But a lot of old farts and stuff and then you're waiting in the back. These guys that get older, what's nice about seeing these old artists, they start pretty much on time. He starts right at 9, 10 p.m. and the show's over at 11.30, which is nice. He wants to go home. But he comes out. He does not look well, Billy Joel. He's a drunken, dwarfy, bloated man.

Very bloated, very drunk and doesn't really have the goods in him. He can really play. But the voice is not quite there and he was doing a bunch of visual, visual gags about how he can't sing. Ooh. He's a pop town girl. He's pretending to grab his balls. Like, up town girl.

You know, doing that thing. I'm not a fan of that. And he's like doing a hand way, like a hand fan. Like, ooh, I'm dying up here. It's still fun. Fun show. And it's fun to go see Billy Joel because I know every song. I grew up on that stuff.

So every single song, I'm singing along. He does this one thing that's very frustrating, I have to say. He goes, it's baseball season. We're going to do a little fielder's choice and I saw him back in 0-2 and he did the same thing. I did an album in 1971 called Piano Man and which song do you want to hear? Do you want to hear? And it's always like a song, like a rare song.

He's like, do you want to hear, you know, high school blues? And everyone goes, whoo, what do you want to hear? Piano Man! Ah! It goes crazy. But he does it like nine songs in a row and literally everyone's like, all right, all right, enough. Yeah.

Like, I'm like, I don't think he realizes he's doing this gag that everybody hates. Wait, so he sings Piano Man nine times? No, no, no. The next song goes, all right, here comes another fielder's choice. This is off the album River of Dreams. Do you want to hear Jacob's haircut? Or do you want to hear? River of Dreams!

Ah! Like everyone goes nuts. He's like, okay, here we go. Right. He's got to bury in the lead there. Yeah. He keeps doing like a B-side and then a hit. Yeah.

So it's like, it's really frustrating. We're like, just write a set list and do it. I don't get it. Yes, exactly. Stop it. But I saw him at Bonnaroo. I was sitting next to Big J, a guy with fingerless gloves and a chain wallet, and he was tearing up.

Well, I mean, the songs are a part of the fabric, and I was really bringing it back because that was the first CD I ever had, was Greatest Hits Volumes 1 and 2, and I just wore it right out. Wow. I mean, I love Billy Joel. So it was very exciting, but it was fun. We're singing along the highlight of the show. Get this.

This is the highlight of the whole show. He goes, we got a special guest. Oh boy. The first Marc Messier came out, the hockey player. Oh. Celebrating 50 shows, 50 sellouts in a row, whatever. What does he play? Nothing.

He just comes out and he gave him a banner. It was like a banner. It says Billy Joel 50. They raised the banner. That's fun. We're all clapping. That's cool. Part of you are like, let's get to a song here.

Yeah. And he goes, we got a special guest coming out for this next song. He's going to sing a song. It's a very hard song to sing. Tough song to sing. So I thought it was going to be We Didn't Set the Fire because it's a lot of that business. So I'm like, okay, here we go. Who's it going to be?

And then he goes, you might know him best as Goat Boy from Saturday Night Live. And then I go, wow, Adam Sandler. And Greg Stone's like, no, no, it's not Adam Sandler. I never watched the show. Well, that wasn't a gag. It wasn't a gag. I just, I'm an idiot. I thought that was the, you know, Elton John again.

No, no, no. And he goes, it's Jim Brewer. And everyone goes crazy. He kind of go crazy. And he's going to sing Shook Me All Night Long by AC DC. So Billy Joel gets in the guitar. I didn't even know he knew how to play a guitar. He's got the guitar and Brewer does like this rock and roll Brian Johnson impression and

they're playing the song. It's a kick ass song. And then he's going, you are the fast machine. And the place goes fucking crazy. Wow, I believe it. He's got another jacket on and he's just walking around. He just owns the stage. And he can really rip it.

He's like, best day I want. And does the whole thing. Everyone's going nuts. And then it's like that. Do, do, do, do. You shook me up. Yeah. And everyone's going crazy.

He's holding the mic out for the chorus. And the place goes bananas. Like white strobe. Everyone's going nuts. Wow. He stole the show. Whoa. And it's one thing.

We, you know, we've done comedy at the garden, which is cool. Just a fucking nerd being like, boy, my mother's weird. Yeah. This guy's like, yeah. And the place is going fucking crazy. People are showing their tits and he really, and he was in his own element. Holy, that's lunch. But how does he, how do those two connect?

You know, how did he figure out like, I bet Jim Brewer would be great in this moment. I think the New York legends are, I think a lot of these celebrities know each other. They're both Long Island. Your people write to his people and go, Hey, I love the thing. Maybe they're finding out at the house or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. They're friends with the fucking Dustin Hoffman and shit.

You're like, oh, what? Yeah. Or whoever. I should have named someone that wasn't fucking me too. But Nicholson or whoever. He knows Cosby. But you know, it's like people, they just, once you get to a certain level, I think you know each other.

They're Long Island douches and really stole the show. I wrote you on Twitter. I don't even know. I've met him a couple of times. I was like, you were amazing. You highlighted the show. Wow. Yeah.

It was pretty amazing. I got a great photo of it. That's like not my, it's like an AP photo. But it's like Brewer like screaming and Joel's like, whew. I just felt a little weird for Joel because it was like, really was like stole the show. Yeah, you're out buddy. But he really nailed it. Like you think like a comedian singing might be like soccer or whatever.

Yeah. But he fucking gripped it and ripped it. So way to go, Brew. Great brew. That's so crazy that I had a driver and I was like, this guy's exactly like Jim Brewer. You walked away. You saw Jim Brewer. Yeah.

Same night. Same guy. Maybe it was him. Maybe that's where he went between shows. No. Boogie down Bronx. But it was something else. We had a great time and then Stone, you know, he's just got a new writing job.

So he's got a new Apple watch, a pair of boots. He's like, we're going to pizza. I'm getting all the pizza. Look at that. He's like, I owe you. He's like just handing me sodas and I'm like, boy, I'm thirsty. He's like, here's the water. He's just buying everything.

It was really fun. Good for Stoney. Thank you. Sweet guy. Great hang. Fun guy to have it a constant. I was on his shoulders at one point. We kissed and it was really a good, good time.

Yeah. Check out Billy Joel and thanks to my manager. My manager doesn't listen. But just like a woman to me. Yeah. So isn't it odd though that your manager gives you gifts that take you out of work. Those are work hours. I suppose so.

But you know, I worked, I did the podcast. That's work. There you go. Good point. I mean, I didn't get any money from the podcast, but what are you going to do? We're trying. We're trying either. Patreon.

Yeah. Hit the Patreon folks. Go to the Patreon. Tele-friend. Sign up. Buy a shirt. Yes. And then come see us at a live show at Antons.

And then come see us at the Comedy Cellar on May 7th. Village Underground. Yes. Comedy Cellar Village Underground Monday, May 7th. It's going to be a hot one. You can get the tickets at comedycellar.com. You got to do a little searching. You got to go to the calendar.

Is that right Denny Shelby? They don't respect us. You got to go. The link will be up soon, but if you go to the Comedy Cellar, go to May 7th. It'll be right there. You'll find it. So buy tickets early because the cellar sells out no matter who's there. So if you're a Tuesday, we want to fill it with Tuesdays, we're going to have some special

guests I'm sure. Who knows? We'll have. Maybe even a commemorative poster. Yeah, we might try to get a poster. So get your tickets and go get on the page show and there's a bunch of bonus shit up there. It's really fun stuff.

Yes. And please come because we don't want to have normal people at the show who just hear us say gook four times and call the police. Yeah. We're not good. I think we've said the F word three times in this episode, but it was all in character. One was Conan. One was the driver and one was you.

Mark Korn. All right. Sorry. We love the gays. Oh, of course. Big fan. I'm pretty sure everyone understands what we're doing here. I hope.

And I wish they could reproduce. All right. See you ready for this. This is a downer. Oh, I hate a downer. Well, it's a downer for me, but so between you, me and Shelby's lips, I like to do Jim and Sam when I have a flight that day because you get a free ride to the airport. Yeah.

You've mentioned it before. The role was like, don't keep saying that because, you know, people get weird. So I did the show. I didn't get a car. So wait, wait, wait, wait, but did you go to the airport? I didn't get a car either way. That's the only time he gives me a car, too. Not really.

I don't know. I don't get it, but he's like, I'll get your car if you want to the airport, but that's all he can do. I don't know what that means. I mean, I'll take the car to the airport as close to my house in the studio. I can just take the car to the airport, take a $10 Uber. Do that. All right.

All right. But I got to get invited back first. You didn't hear it here. No. Yes, I did. Go to Jim and Sam. Got my car waiting, looking forward to it. Brian Koppelman is the guest.

Love Koppelman. What a guy. I just don't like that guy. I never met him. Yeah. We were fast and steves or whatever. Fast and furious. Thickest thieves.

Thank you. So great guy. He's like a normal dude. You know, he's on, he writes billions. He wrote rounders. He's like a big shot, whatever, but he's like a normal, he was wearing like sweat pants and a wig. He was great.

So he was cool. Got to meet him. He was fun. Then I get my free car ride and Roland goes, what airport? And I go Newark, baby. I love Newark Airport. So I'm right on time. I get there exactly an hour before, which I love.

I got the pre-check. I got the clear. I'm in the zone. And I like to have a printed ticket. I'm a weirdo. So I go to the little kiosk, credit card in, musty attendant, and I go, oh, these fucking idiots. God damn it.

What are they going to get this right? Geez. So I go up and see the intent. Hey, somebody fucked up. I need help. You got it? But she goes, oh yeah. What are you on?

The two o'clock? I go, yep. And it's 1pm now. Plenty of times. She goes, you're at LaGuardia. Oh, the wrong airport again. That's not your first wrong airport incident. No, I've done it before.

I'm a mess. Geez, I got problems. So now I go, I get on the horn. I call my manager. And I go, what the hell? They sent me to the wrong airport. I completely lied. I was like, these idiots.

I fell asleep in the taxi. I went to the wrong airport. I'm in St. Louis. Ah, you know. And he's like, oh my god. Well, well, do they have anything? She's like, they're all sold out. They're all sold out.

She's doing that move. Base is loaded. You know, you're safe. Base is loaded move. Yeah. What is this? That's safe. That's safe.

Yeah. You're safe. All right. So now I go, ah, I get on the horn. I call my manager. And I go, what the hell? They sent me to the wrong airport. I completely lied.

What is this? That's safe. That's safe. Yeah. You're safe. All right. You're not safe. But I'm not safe.

I'm out. With Nicky Glaser. That was a show. Not safe. That was called You Up. You Up. With no question mark, by the way. What's that?

That's no question mark. How interesting. So it's just like You Up. It's like a black person. But I think it's like a text form. You don't use punctuation. Ah, which I don't care for. I like punk.

Ah, I'm a big punctuation guy. Steam punctuation. So I go, oh, there's got to be something. So he's Googling. We're all Googling. Everybody hates everybody. Everybody hates Chris. And boom.

He finds a 355 at JFK. Now where are you headed? Bloomington, Indiana. Ah, Bloomington. So it's a two hour flight, but you land in Indianapolis and it's an hour drive to the club. So we're not on the woods yet. I haven't showered. I haven't jerked off.

I haven't shaved. And my asshole smells horrible. So I hop right in that car of mine, drive around the world. I get an Uber, go straight to JFK. That takes forever. That's a long trip. Other side of the world. Yeah.

So I finally get to JFK. I run out. I go through security. Bang, bang, boom. We found a Delta flight. I go up. I give the guy my ticket. I'm at the gate.

It goes, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. And I go, oh, shit. And a ticket prints up. First class. Upgrade. I got upgraded. Oh, wow. Because I'm a Delta douche.

No kidding. So now I've gone from the worst day of my life freaking out to sitting in first class, eating a chocolate sundae. Wow. Yeah. So now I'm like, well, life isn't so bad. I hate it. I would have killed myself to get out of this situation.

Now I'm like, this isn't so bad. Land in Indianapolis. Take the hour car ride, which is, you know, an open mic guy picks you up or like a young comic picks you up. That's a long time to sit with a stranger. It certainly is. And, you know, he wants to chat. But I don't mind chatting.

He's a nice guy. And we chatted and we talked comedy, whatever. Now I get to the hotel, shower up. And I do the comedy attic, which is a great club. If you want to see what the club looks like, check out my Instagram. I put a whole little, and get there. Great club. And, you know, Bloomington, have you been there?

I have, yes. It's all, it's all mom and pops. Yeah. It's a little college town. There's a Starbucks and a Chipotle. That's all I saw. Uh-huh. I think it's a cute douba, if I'm not mistaken.

It might be a cute douba. But I'm going to mix it up with Madison. Oh, yeah. They're similar. Madison's a little better. Well, the most big 10s. Well, Madison's also like the capital. Right.

Well, Bloomington might be the capital, too. Oh, yeah. They had a capital building. No. Now, Indianapolis is the capital. Yeah. It's got to be Indy. Yeah.

I don't know. There's no Bloomington 500. Madison's definitely a bigger and better city. Yeah. It feels a little cleaner and fresher. I don't know why Bloomington's a little, I don't know. It's a little gray. Yeah.

But it might have been the weather. But now I'm in Bloomington. I go to Chipotle three days in a row. So thank you for all the cards and suck at Chipotle. We're giving you more business than a fat man in Guadalajara. Now, I don't know what that meant, but now I got to go to a gym. I haven't been to a gym in a while, so I Googled gyms. I go to this place called the Iron Pit.

Oh. Now, you know those buildings where it's like flat, but then the roof is like an oval? And it's almost like a dome? Almost dome-y, but... What's a capital dome, was it? It's like a half of a tunnel. You know? Like if you cut a tunnel in half horizontally, you got that.

Oh, okay. Yeah. But I don't know what... It's almost like a trailery. Like the roof is... Like a covered wagon. Yes, covered wagon. But the roof is tin.

But it's bent tin. I don't know how to describe it, but it's a weird building. I was like, where the fuck am I? It looked like I was at some training camp in the 40s for Nazis or something. You got a bent tin covered wagon, metal, steel, pit. What's it called again? Steel Pit? Iron Pit.

Iron Pit. Properly named. Not to be confused with the People Improv Theater. No, that's a weak pit. This is iron. That's a wet pit. Yes, Brad. So...

He's good. I go in and it's like old equipment and everybody in there has got a twirly mustache and like a onesie and they're all doing weights that are just big, big steel balls and, you know, like they got the big bicycle with the big front wheel. Unicycle. Yes. No, no, no. Front wheel big.

Oh, front wheel big. Back wheel small, but still there. So it's still a buy. Oh, I see. So am I. Yeah. But it's just big weights and it's got that little strappy thing that jiggles you. Oh, yeah.

This is like old school out of the 50s and the walls are lined with bodybuilding trophies. Wow. So I'm like the weakest guy in there. Everybody's just ripped and jacked like big white corn fed cracker scary motherfuckers and they're all giving me the eye so I walk up to the front desk to do the day pass. Nobody's at the front desk. Oh, boy. So I go, well, I guess who's not paying.

So I go straight to the equipment. I just start working out. I was like, if somebody comes out, I'll say hello, but I'm not waiting here. Come on. Yeah. That's what I would do. That was like a 20 in my hand. Just when they come over you go, oh, I had it.

Right, right, right. That thing. But I'm standing out like a sore thumb so much that I'm like somebody will tap me on the shoulder and I'm using the equipment and all the machines are like, they're all grizzled and then rusty and shit. So you're actually pushing more weight because you have to push the old metal. Yeah. But nothing happened.

I got out of there scot-free and Uber at home. Not bad. Not bad at all. Now, here's the weird one. So I do the show. That club is killer. All the material I was doing, I wrote a bunch of new stuff. Killing.

And I got back to New York. It's all bombing. So it was a fun treat. I'm like, I'm the best comic ever. Look at all this new. I wrote this today and then I get to New York and they're like, eh. That happens. It happens.

New York's tough. You got to run it through the big apple. There's material that works in New York with bombs in the road and then there's material that kills in the road with bombs in New York. Now, what do you do? Do you drop? I think you got to try to find a happy medium or listen to each set and try to figure it out.

It's tricky. I guess so. It's a tough art form. All right. So I had the business is fair and square. Yeah. So I had this guy come up after a hot set. There's a good show and this kid comes up and he's got like the big ear holes, you know?

I don't care for the ear holes. He's doing his own thing. Yeah. But he came up. He had a Tuesday show. He had the rainbow Tuesday. I love the ear hole thing. It's really cool.

Yes. Thank you. Nice guy. And he came up and he goes, hey, man. Huge fan. Love the pod. Something, something. And I go, hey, thanks.

Appreciate you coming out. And he goes. He froze up on you. And then walked away. Oh, jeez. I was like, what the fuck was that? I was talking to the opener. I was talking to this guy, Connor.

And I was like, was that weird? He was like, yeah, that was really weird. I don't know what that was about. And I was like, ah, whatever. You know, but I kind of got a little like, was that a dick move? Or was, you know, they had that moment. But I was like, ah, fuck it. Start shaking more hands after the show.

This other guy comes with me kind of a beefcake type. Like a, you know, like a, like a quarterback. Sounds hot. Yeah. He was cute and he came up and he goes, hey, hey, hey, funny, funny stuff Tuesday. And he hits me on the chest like, ha, ha. And I was like, oh, jeez. And he goes, ah, sorry, sorry.

Then this is why our fans are great. Cut to two hours later. I was checking my Twitter. Both of them had apologized. Oh, nice. Yeah. That's why our fans are the best. They're good people.

Oh God. Well, you're going to get another apology when you hear this. They hear this. They're going to be like, oh, I'm the loop guy. I'm a freak. I don't know. Sorry. I just want to get it out there.

I love you both. You're both menches, Tuesdays, praise Allah. Thanks for listening. Thanks for coming out. You can tap me on the asshole, the chest, the jizz, whatever you want. By the way, I think every single person is going to be shaking their phone when it gets to that silent spot. They're going to want to know what happened.

Oh, sorry. That was just me reenacting the loopy kid. Yeah, they're going to be like, what the hell happened to my app? But they were good people. I think they just had a moment. It's funny how the beta guy went in and the alpha guy pushed out. He went out. Yes.

Trapped in the closet. So nice people they tweeted after and got back to New York. On Sunday, landed. Now here's a little tidbit. I got my lady a gift. You want to guess what I got her? Lady a. All right.

What's Indiana? It's Hoosiers. They got the striped pants. Nothing to do with that. Just as a clue. No Indiana. No. Oh, okay.

So where'd you get the gift? In New York or in Indiana? In New York. But it's not an object. No object. Hmm. Penis pump. That's an object.

All right. Maybe a dinner, a ticket. Objects. A scrunchie. Hub. Back rub. Oh, I think I can do a little better than that. A pubeshave.

Well, so she's a looker. She's a good-looking lady with huge cans and a nice, but dunk-a-dunk. Well, that's subjective. Yeah. And so. I'm kidding, mate. There you go. So she, you know, she's a 20-something young lass.

So we were laying around one day and we were like, you're not going to look like this forever, you know? And she's a big fan of her cans and she likes looking in the mirror and jiggling and everything. Big can fan. Big can fan. Wow. BKF.

So, like, BCF. Can's the K. That's a weird can. We're hip, you know? And so she's like, yeah, so I got her portraits. I got her like a photo shoot. I think she said pork chops. No.

She's Jewish. I got her pork, like a photo shoot. A photo shoot. And guess who did it? Phil Provenzio. You got it. Big shout out to Phil P. Check him out on Insta.

And he hired this man. Yeah. He's good. He did my wedding. So she was going to get these shoots alone. And so I texted her. I was like, hey, I just landed in big old Manhattan. She goes, come to the shoot.

And I was like, I don't want to get in the way. And she's like, come to the shoot. I was like, all right, fuck it. I'll come to the shoot. It was great. She's out on a window ledge. She's out on the fire escape. Tits out.

Tits out. Yeah. Tits out, baby. Boy, you got to get these on the internet. I don't know. Well, maybe I'll talk to her about it. I don't know where she wants to go with the internet. Yeah, talk to her.

At least an email. She doesn't want mom seeing it. Oh, I see. So. Well, I'll set up a private account. That's not bad. So she's out on the fire escape. Asian kids are walking by going, oh, moth bra or whatever.

They're looking up at her, taking photos. It was crazy. Wow. And she's into it. She's cool with it. She is. Wow. She dug it.

She's out on the fucking, the wind's blowing. She's on the roof. She's got one leg up on the ledge and on a window sill with her ass all showing. She's up against the wall with the hands on the wall, you know, pushing the ass out. Wow. Hot. Hands up don't shoot. Yeah.

So I shot. And Phil. Phil is so good. He's like the lights hitting her from the window and it's got the lines on the back and, you know, the hair is perfect and she got a blowout and she got her makeup done and nails done. So she was tip top. She hadn't eaten in four days.

Killer. And it was great. It was fun. It was turned me on. We got back home later. I ripped her clothes off. I couldn't take it. Wow.

She put the clothes back on. She put it back on to get to the subway. I see. You can't beat that exhibition. No. That's illegal. That sounds like something. You should make a calendar or something like that.

I think we're going to do a little coffee table book. Put it in the Patreon. Get some Patreon. Some of these boys in there. Ooh. Now that's an idea. Yeah. I wouldn't fucking spike this thing.

It ain't a Gatorade anymore, folks. Yeah. It's a Patreon. I guess it's already a Patreon. Yeah. It's back to its original. Yeah. But yeah.

So I'll run the Patreon thing by her. She might want to cut. Cut. Well, it's her tits. Oh, God. That ain't meant like... Circumcision? A cutter.

Oh, no. She's not a cutter. Yeah. Give her a cut. I mean, everyone... We'll have a window. The tits are up for a month or something. And everyone that joins in that month, you know, she gets a cut to nip.

We should do it in May. How appropriate. Ooh. May-May. May-May. May-Day. Calling all cars. May-May.

Ah. We'll figure something out. We'll work it on. Well, just assume there's got to be tits to sign up now. Yeah. But we can get a lesser of a cut. It's a... There's, um...

You know, you like to know a lady before you see her naked. Yeah. And I wonder if there's other people, because, you know, obviously there's ample bosom on the interweb. Yeah. So I wonder if people will be more inclined because they're part of the family. Well, they're interested in seeing tits. I mean, I don't think this woman's going to want to show her tits to our fans.

I can't imagine. Also, does that make her a prostitute? No, a prostitute's sex. This is a model. A model? Yeah, yeah. She's a model. Oh, wow.

That's fun. All right. That is fun. A nude model. A nude model. Airplane. Maybe you can get someone to sketch her. That might be less, you know.

Yeah. Like a Titanic. I'll paint her. Jack Dawson. Paint me. All right. Well, yeah. So that was my little weekend.

That sounds like fun. I mean, you got tits. She's got a hot set and she's got two hot sets. Yes. Comedy set and model set. I had a few nips. Well, we're going to wrap it up here. That's a hot week.

Yeah. I'm spent and I'm hard and we got to go. Yeah. Well, folks, May 7th, Village Underground. Don't forget. And by the way, the stand-up season two is still out there. It really died down. If you could tell some friends, send an email, put it on your Facebook, put it on your Twitter,

tell people to check this thing out. And May 7th, live at the Village Underground. And then what do we got coming up? Moon Tower. Maybe at Anton's. We're going to do a live show. I think it's on Thursday or Friday. I think it's Thursday.

But we'll be around the whole festival. So come out, say hello, and let's have some fun. End of the month. You already know it. I'm coming to Tacoma, Washington, Friday and Saturday, 25th and 26th, I think, or 26th, 27th, whatever it is. And then Spokane, one night, O-T-O-T-O, one time, one time only. Yeah.

Saturday night. Don't forget, Side Splitters, one of my favorites. May 3rd through the 6th. May 3rd through the 6th. And Winnipeg, rumors. Hey, Canada, drive, drive over there. You got the Jets, you got Patrick Liné. I mean, it's a big time for Winnipeg.

So come out to that. And then June, Denver Comedy Works, I'll be up there. I believe Neil Young is from Winnipeg. Area. I think we had this conversation before. Area. Yeah. Areola.

Seen those. So I'm at Bananas in Jersey. Hasbrook Heights. Come on out to that. Two nights. Then, yeah, Moontower. We'll be cooking and brookin'. Then Baltimore.

Magoobies. Acme Comedy Club. Excited for that one. Let's pack the joint. Never been. Very excited. Heard good things. And I've never been to Minneapolis.

No, actually, that's not true. Great city. I've been on a phone dating with my old pal Chris Allen. Comedy Works. Denver. In June as well. And then I'm at Clusterfest, San Francisco. Say hi to that.

Liberty Live, NIAC. And plenty of other dates. I'm all around. I'm doing some Long Island stuff, I think. And who knows what? I'm going to New Orleans. So, yeah, come on out, folks. Follow the tweets.

Follow the instas. Hit us on Facebook. Tuesdays with stories. Hit the email. Oh, we got a Chipotle in the email. Oh, I saw that. I don't know how to use those things. I appreciate it, but, man, it's tough to figure out.

Don't figure that out. And yell at Chipotle. Kiss your uncle. Fuck your sister. Praise Allah. Over and out. Sorry about the language. Out.

Sorry. Over. Thank you.