Tuesdays with Stories! - #241 Dose Folks

Episode Date: April 17, 2018

It's a reverberating Tuesday as Joe recovers from major oral surgery to get into his cigar & drunk frat guy filled trip to Ann Arbor while Mark goes to the worst cajun restaurant in all of Ohio! Check it out! We're doing a LIVE pod with special guests at the Village Underground in NYC on May 7th! Reserve tickets here: www.comedycellar.com/ We now have WEEKLY bonus eps with Mark & Joe talking about whatever! Get on it! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download Go on iTunes and give the pod a #5StarLunch review!1

This is a Stand Up New York Labs production, providing you podcasts since 2013. Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard.

And then the duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe Less. Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories everybody.

Nah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. Alright folks, alright everybody. This is all the energy I can give today. I'm all post-op here. Wow, that was more than I thought. That was pretty good. That was everything I had and I'm out now.

Alright, Joe's fresh out of a wisdom tooth removal. All four. Now he's on a mydoll, a paxil, what is that? Well, I still have one left by the way. I had two taken. I had one last year, a top right. This time it was a bottom left, top left. What about the alt right?

Didn't touch the alt right because it was too disagreeable to have it removed. That's true. Yeah, I still got one left in there, but I had these two taken out. I have a weird reverb. They took the top tooth out. Someone, Jeffrey Gurian, who's a dentist. I bumped into him yesterday in the red carpet at some big event at Caroline's. And I just started asking him about reverb teeth.

But that's what I have going on now. And he said it has to do with like the sinus is so close to the tooth. So when I really project, I can feel it. It feels like electric shock or something. Oh, and all that, that nervy area is all fucked up. I hate that feeling. It stinks. And I'm hoping it recovers soon, but then the bottom is all sutured up.

It's a bloody mess in there. I look in there. I want to throw up. Can I look? I'll show you. All right, great. I still haven't seen the dick. It looks nice.

Yeah, it looks similar to my dick. It's got sutures and bruises and a welt and a thumbprint and a tooth. So yeah, I'm doing all right. And I don't know. I'm a little low energy. They gave me meds, but they gave me like a citaminophen, which is just Tylenol. Then he gave me the heavy duty oxycodone or whatever, but only four of them. And I haven't taken them because I'm trying to be a good boy sober up.

Yeah. Well, isn't that that's like a strong Tylenol. Huh? Yeah, this is like 500 milligrams, but it's the same as like a Tylenol PM. Oh, I think it's like all because I'm allergic to ibuprofen. Normally it would be ibuprofen and Tylenol combo to help the swelling. So I'm a little swollen. My face is fucked up.

I'm gay. And but it was quite a surgery. It took a lot of courage, Mark. I believe it. I mean, I've been putting it off for three years. We've mentioned it the whole time. It was all sideways. Then he looked at it the next day.

First of all, it's pretty fun. They knock you out. So you're all super loopy and loopy. And they said it's like being drugged. You're like in a brownout. You can't remember what the hell happened. So you come out and before the surgery, my lovely wife, you know, she's insecure. I'm insecure.

She's like, I'm just afraid you're going to get on drugs and tell me you don't love me. And I was like, well, that's a little hurtful that I wouldn't. You think I don't love you. Well, like she thinks the truth will come out. Yes, she thinks like some crazy truth serum. Well, that's also sweet that she cares that you love her. I mean, if I hope we're married, but, you know, but so I think she was like half

kidding. But evidently, I came out of it and I'm all fucked up. And I was at first, first thing I said when I came out, I was like, we can't see each other anymore, which I thought was hilarious. But she took it kind of serious. Oh, come on. But I don't have any memory of it. She was like, Hey, you know, you said this right when you came out.

And I was like, she was upset. And I was like, Oh, I must have been doing like a callback because you brought it up the night before. How cool is that that in the middle of a hazy blackout, you're doing callbacks. It's pretty fun. I love it. But I'm hurting feelings. But it was exciting because I texted with like Mackie and my mother and I have no memory.

It's weird. It's like drinking again. I'm looking at text me and like, I don't remember sending that. I got to tell you what you showed me. Oh boy. It ain't pretty. So that was exciting, but it took a lot of courage. So the thing is gone.

And I got to go back. I was like, Oh, Stooney, thank you very much. But man, I was in there. I was terrified. I believe it. You faced your worst fear. Yeah, it's exciting. I had a panic attack on Conan.

I did the tonight show. I've had tooth removed. I'm really being a buffalo. Yeah, you're going towards it, baby. You're running into the war. Got to be a buffalo. So now I have one tooth left, but hopefully this one will heal soon because I got this reverb thing.

And I think it's sinus related today. I called the talk to the doctor and like the secretary didn't even put me on the line. She's like, don't worry. I know you're a worry ward. Damn. They got your picture up. Like don't talk to this guy. Yeah, like send them home.

So I got a follow up next week. I'm going to mandolin lessons. My father's gay. It's good to see you. Wait a minute. Can we just, we're going to skim over mandolin lessons? I felt like I might be able to play a couple of tunes. I can play what I learned.

I don't even see you got the neck hanging out of your back there. It's in my backpack. I feel like a real kook. This is where you're low energy. You got a mandolin. You're like a folk fag. Last week, the first lesson two weeks ago, I did, I went to my lesson and then I decided I got a hot poker up my ass and decided to ride my bug hump.

So I went to city bike and I'm riding over the Pulaski bridge with a big mandolin sticking out. I'm like a fucking nerd. You're a poet. I'm a real nerd here. Yeah. So maybe I'll play a couple of bars. All right.

Should we save it or do you want to do it now? I'll get it. You talk. My mouth is killing me. All right. Well, it's good to have you back and you're not that low energy. I'm not going to talk that much and I haven't gotten a word in seven minutes, but now it's good to have you and I had my wisdom teeth taken out and it wasn't that bad, but I had

four. You had three, right? I had two taken out this time, but it was real wildly impacted and then I'm older and I'm gay. But do you have the other one to go or is that one cool? Oh boy. Well, why don't you play a song about it? All right.

Getting better. Hold on. Let me show you the notes I learned. I've got a few notes for you. That's all I got, folks. That wasn't bad. That was very homely and I felt like I was in a tavern in Ireland in the 80s. Well, it was a lot of pressure.

I can't really play, to be honest. That was my second lesson, but Conchetta's really helping me out. Boy, I'm in pain. You've got to take over. Take over there. That's great. I feel like we've got to say the N-word just to keep our edge. Things have changed around here.

Well, that was the name of that song I just played. It's called Rock and Roll N-word. N-word behind bars. All right, so I've got a lot and it's good to have you back. I saw you at the Village Underground last night and you seemed a little weary. Well, I'm weary and I still am because the main part is this reverb. I can't describe it. It feels like the whole thing's shaking.

All my teeth shake and stinging. And your whole job is to speak and project. Yeah, it's really hard, but there's nothing worse than when you have a mouth issue in comedy because it's like you have no legs if you're a football player, basketball player. Porns are. They can't get it up. I can't get it up. Yeah, I had a throat thing.

I had the no-voice laryngitis-y ones and you're on stage like, so are your parents, huh? Yeah. It takes your whole power. You're kryptonited. It's brutal. I had a hilarity. You were there that week.

Oh, yeah. The next day. You were there one night and then the next day I had literally zero voice. So if I talk just kind of like this, I'm okay. It's when I really project and bring it. Yeah, don't bring it. All right. Don't project.

Marcy project. All right. So I've had quite a little run. I've been all over this goddamn green earth and I had a weird thing at the airport. Always at the airport. Always. You know me. I like to steal from the airport.

Yeah. That's my MO. I think it's okay to steal from the airport. I appreciate that. So I'm at Big Ol' Fat Newark. I got the airport right this time. I'm at Newark and I'm flying to where the hell was I? Where?

I was in Ann Arbor. You were in Syracuse? No. No. No. No. LA. Columbus.

Columbus. That's right. We were all within a couple hours. The soda was in Buffalo. You were in Columbus and I was in Ann Arbor. He had like a three hour drive to each. Oh, and he picked you? Well, I'm not saying that.

I'm saying he's coming to see all of us at Bonfire. Moon Tower. Yeah. Moon Tower. By the way, go Peck Joe. They got a little bun in the oven. No. So congrats to Chris and Big Phil.

What? Yeah. Big Babe coming. A little baby fan. Yeah. Give me a little feeder. All right. Good for you.

Pecked it into that lady. Yeah, you did. Anyway, so you're in the great, great city of Columbus. Great city. Great club. Best funny bone in the land. But so I'm at the Newark Airport. I'm all excited.

I steal a candy bar. That's, you know, that's chump change. That's easy. And then I steal like, you know, I make those. They have the hot food section. Oh, yeah, yeah. To go box. You put in a...

Yeah, I'm stolen from them. You have? Yeah, yeah. Oh, it's so easy. Yeah, very easy. Yeah, so I'm walking around. Yeah, you have to. You have to.

Wow. Would you put some stuff on your lips? It's the best place to steal from. Best place? Because there's no real gate or anything. It's very open and you just kind of go around the register. You're good to go. Plus the overpriced head, they account for that.

Like an egg is like nine bucks. So they're expecting us to steal. Yeah. So I'm like casing the joint. I can see they got a couple of security guys. And it's a weird system at Newark. It's a self-checkout. And then they check your ticket at the end.

So I said, all right, I'm on to you douches. So I go up and I buy the cheapest thing, which was a slice of pizza for $5. And then I just load up and I buy the pizza. I get the big long receipt and I walk past the security guard with a stack of shit and a piece of pizza on top with a big receipt dangling the wind. And he goes, adios, my friend. And I walk right by him. Wow, nicely done.

Now I'm sitting down waiting for my flight. I got a good 25 minutes before the flight takes off and I go, I'm going to charge my phone a little. Ah, I forgot my charger. Ah, no charge. Which is a bummer because that's a whole weekend with no charge. Yeah, you got to buy a charger. I got to buy a charger, which is a nice $40.

So I'm like, God damn it. Then I noticed my pants keep falling down. I left my belt in the bin. Somebody took my belt. Ah, you could have used the charger as a belt. Uh-huh. I'm screwed on both fronts. Boy, oh boy.

So now I'm like, was this karma for the stealing? But I realized, no, I stole after. Yeah, and that's stupid also. I hate that shit. I agree. Yeah. So now I'm beltless and I'm walking around like T-Pain. You know, I got my pants hanging down here.

T-Pain? He's a rapper. Oh, that's where the Indians lived. T-P, I got it. Surgery. Surgery. Oxycutin. So, yeah, so now I'm on the flight with no pants on and I got dead phones.

I'm like, God damn it. So, I get to the club and I got no pants, no charger, no phone, and I get there. And you know, you're always weary when you get to a club. You're like, who's my host? Who's my opener? That's why it's fun to bring a guy. Yes. So I get there and I walk into the green room.

I'm feeling good. I got my pants around my ass and all this. I'm walking in, no phone. I walk in, I go, hey, what's shaking, boys? It's two, you know, older black guys. And one of them's like, hey, what's up, man? Shakes my hand. Nice guy.

J. Bliss. Check him out. Funny guy. Have you worked with him? No, I don't think so. He's out of Charlotte, bald guy, cool dude. Funny guy. And then there's a guy at the end of the green room sitting on a stool, facing his phone,

fedora on, tie, the whole thing. Looks very sharp. Don't like the sound of this. No, I kind of never looked up, never said hello. So I go, ah, whatever. I got my Allen going. Like, oh, he's probably, maybe he's not a bad guy. You're reading into it, blah, blah, blah.

Yeah. And I go up and I go, hey man, Mark Norman, headliner, whatever the hell I said. You know, homo, something. And he looks up and he goes, cool. Back to the phone. Boy, he sounds like a trombone player in a ska band. He was dressed like that, but he was old. He looked kind of Morgan Freemany.

Black? Oh yeah. Oh, okay. Now he sounds an extra horn player. Yeah, but not ska. No, no, jazz. Maybe jazz, yeah. So now I'm like, oh, that was weird.

But I go, ah, he might have things going on. Maybe his wife died in a fiery volcano today. So I go back and I sit down and now me and the feature are rapping. We're chatting. We're having a good time. We're shooting the shit and chopping it up. I think the other guy would be rapping. Well, they're both black.

Oh, I see. I said two blacks, didn't I? Oh, I don't know. I got two teeth missing, so I have trouble hearing. I see. All right. Two Afro-Americanes. I got you.

And so now we're chatting. Now the mean guy gets up and walks out. And immediately we both go, what the hell was that? Jesus Christ, the tension was, you could feel it. Oh, man. And I go, thank you. I was crazy and I'm trying to be a better person and blow myself. And he was like, nah, nah, he's crazy.

He wouldn't talk to me. I've been in here 20 minutes with nothing. Silence. Interesting. I was like, oh, what the fuck is this? So now I'm just like, who is this guy? And then he goes on stage, brings me up, gets my name wrong. Ah.

Yeah, I'm like, you have one job, dickless. Get together. Oh, my God. You come, guzzling, Nazi. I hate this guy. And then you're like, this is going to be a long fucking weekend. You can't relax in the green room. I hate him.

So I just go up and I make fun of him a little bit. Yeah, you did. And then I said this and that. Morgan Freeman, jazz, flute, not a rapper, ska, the whole thing. And I get off and he goes, hey, I got to tell you, that was kind of unprofessional. Whoa, boy. And I go, what are you talking about? He's like, well, it's weird.

You just shit on the host, like out of the gate. And I, you know, you get that immediate like, huh. Yeah, yeah. Fight or flight. What are we doing? He's black. I'm gay, anal. Fuck it.

I go, well, you know what else is unprofessional? Getting my name wrong. Oh, boy. And he goes, well, you know, it's the first night. He's doing all this shit. And he's like, I haven't checked the website. I'm like, I don't care. You're the host.

Get it together. He's like, well, I usually have headline. And I go, well, go headline. What are you doing? Don't take the gig. You're right. Now we're going out in the kitchen. Oh my God.

Plus, what's he talking about? Check the website. Check the, check with me. Check anything. You can ask me. I don't care. Write it down. Get it together.

Yeah. I've hosted plenty of shows. I'm not confronting the website. Right. Consulting, I meant to say. Yes. You never confront a website. That'd be weird.

Well, I've done it with porn. Yeah. I paid this bill. Right. Right. So, uh, so now we're going out, you know, Thursday night, first night, I'm excited. Great club. The whole thing.

And then now it's all ruined. So I talked to the manager and I'm not one of these fire that guy. That's not me. No. I'm not that guy. I don't want to take work away from a comic. Take, you don't want to take food out of his mouth. Yes.

Or off his table. Yes. Uh, so I go up to the manager. Uh, I hope I'm not saying too much. Is this too revealing? I'm getting right in there. I don't know. I mean, it's your story to tell here.

Well, you can pull the string or the rope or the ass on this and take tampon out. I'll abortion this. Uh, well, we need something because I got no teeth. I'm reverberating over here. All right. Well, it's Toledo funny bone or funny farm and it was in Canada. So Toledo, Canada. Yes.

Yeah. So, uh, I think it's in Quebec. So, uh, I talked to the manager, go, what's going on with old Freeman scott? No jazz. And he goes, uh, well, he's, we've had some shit with him. The owner likes him, blah, blah, blah. I'm like, oh, Jesus, but so, but it helps and not to know you're not crazy. Yeah.

Yeah. It's always nice to get the confirmation. The guy stinks. Yes. That's all I need. Just, ah, he's a nut. Everybody's weird around him. So I was like, all right, I went home, whatever, got drunk, you know, did my shit, went to

press the next day, press is fine, great anal jizz. And then you get back and the whole time you're thinking, ah, two hours till the show, I got to see old dickless. Oh, Jesus. So you go in and I go in and I go, I just go, Hey, what's up, Jay? And he's like, Hey, what's up? We're talking. I don't even bother with him.

Yeah. Fuck it. Well, I'm not going to waste my calories. No, not worth it. Not worth it. And then he perks up. Uh-oh. And now he's, he, it's night and day.

It's Jekyll and, and, and anal here. He's like, Hey, uh, what's shaking? I used to work with Chris Rock. You live in New York. How's that? What's that? Like, oh man, I used to open for Chappelle back in the day. We went on this tour and like he's, he's like a new man.

Interesting. Yeah. And I go, what the fuck is going on? So I go up to the man who's like, this guy's a ray of sunshine. He goes, I think he took his meds today. I was about to say maybe Mr. Dose. Mr. Dose. Yeah.

Yes. You can't, you can't miss a dose, folks. Dosey Dose. Dose folks. Yes. Dose Covinos. Uh-huh. Dose Soder.

Yeah. I used to work there. Dose Soder. I don't know. All right. So I'm a little off my game here. I got to apologize. I got to reverb.

Reverb. I got to. Octagon Landlin. Yeah. So I go, uh, and now he's all right. Like we're in the green. He's telling me about old stories. Like I used to work with Nick Griffin.

I'm like, Oh, I love Nick Griffin. We're going at it. And now it's, it's okay. You got my name right. And blah, blah, blah. He's like, man, you're a really good writer. All this shit. It's bananas.

So goes to show. Wow. Boy. I mean, there is, you know, life together. I guess. Yeah. And micro dose. Boy.

Oh boy. Well, that's, that's good. It's all as well that ends well. I guess so. I think we're fine now, you know. Well, here's the clinker. It was a great weekend. You know, overall we sold out two shows, hit some bonuses, but now this guy won't shut

the fuck up. Now he's in the green. We're going, Oh, I got to tell you another story. And you try to go. Well, and he just keeps going. Oh boy. So you're like, this is better than you being a douche, but you're still annoying. Yeah.

Yeah. It's a different kind of annoying. And you're like, shut up. I'm trying to look at my notes here. My phone or call my aunt. But yeah. Interesting. Well, I'm glad he came around a little bit and it sounds like you really grew and he'll

be hearing about this for sure. Yeah. I'm sure he'll reach out. Well, if you do reach out, take your meds then reach. Yes. The phones are already lighting up. I think his family's calling in, but either way, we settled it. So I go do press on Friday at three radios, six a.m. pick up God damn it.

I hate it. It's a problem with these funny moments. They really have all the press. There's so much press. It's depressing. Yeah. Thank you. Now look who's back.

Well, I'm leaning forward now. I'm trying my best here. But the verbs. You're doing great. The verb pipe. Hey. Oh. Synergy.

So, uh, Sin City. So we're driving to press six in the morning and it's one, you know, every club. I got to tell you about it. Now you guys hate to impress, but it works in Columbus. It works. And you're like, it doesn't work. You don't work. I don't work.

Doesn't work. Mm-hmm. We just want to have fun girls. So I, uh, we go to press and I'm talking to this one guy, he still runs the rock station. You know the rock station where you're kind of like, ah, there's all these posters like Allison Chains and like, uh, Incubus, all these fucking sucky shitty dumb bands. Yeah. They got, they got like bobble heads around from like a giveaway three years ago.

We met Godsmack in 91. Shut up. Godsmack sucks. You suck. Get your neck tattoo out of here. There's framed records, but you're like, how did you get the record? Are you in the band? Why is that here?

Right. Right. Yes. Yes. Exactly. We went to Lollapalooza in 41 and I blew Alice Cooper. All right. Who cares?

Get your nose ring out of my face. But nice people. And so he's like, oh, you're from New Orleans. You got to go down to the Cajun Cafe, best Louisiana food guys from New Orleans. And you're like, I don't know, this has been, this has burned me before. Nobody can do Cajun. You can't do it. You can't eat theopian food in Manhattan.

They can't get a fucking crawfish ateoufe right to save their life. So I go, ah, maybe he's like, I swear to God, the guy's from New Orleans. He moved up here. I don't know why. But he opened this place. It's a hole in the wall. It's the real deal. Real crawfish, the whole thing.

So I go, all right. Maybe we'll check it out. And the guy drive me, he's like this real curious cat. So he's like, I've always wanted to try New Orleans food, creole. Maybe let's go. I was like, man, maybe we'll go. Fuck it. So a couple of days later, we go, all right, let's go out there.

We Google it 40 minutes away. 40 minutes. Yeah. That's what I drive to New Orleans. I know, right? Who that? So we go, ah, fuck it. What are we doing?

We're both hungover. We're driving a Cajun cafe, which is the real name. I probably shouldn't say, god damn, we're getting sued by this guy. Why can't we say that? It's a restaurant. Well, because I'm about to tear it to pieces. That's all right. They're a restaurant.

Fuck them. All right. That's all I needed. If they stink, they stink. He stinks. So I'm just... Working with the Cajun cafe. Yeah.

I just don't want to ruin a guy's name. Well, I mean, how much power do we have? We only have 8,000 listeners. I know, but these cunts on the other end are googly. Hey, Cajun cafe at Cajun cafe. Some dickless twat is shit on you. I think we're all right. All right.

Just don't bother the people, folks. And we're not reaching out to them. We're just telling a story. It's an open forum. Open forum. Yes. My two thirds. That's right.

Reverb. So we go to the Cajun cafe. It's a good 40-minute drive, and I'm like, I'm salivating. I haven't had some real Creole in years. I'm going to get a fucking beignet, a Boudin ball, a seafood gumbo, a crawfish monica. You name it. Huckleberry. Peach.

So we get there. There's not a soul in the parking lot. It was one of these things we had to drive around. It's in Fredericksburg, Ohio. Fredericksburg. We got to leave the town lines. So that's already a red flag. Who is coming out here to eat?

Who lives out here? What the fuck is going on? How does this guy make any money? We drive by it eight times. It's the size of my asshole. It's tiny. We drive up. There's no one in the parking lot.

We go in. Ding-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling. Nobody's at the front door. Not a seat filled. Not a mass in the house. And I go, hello. It's a big echo. Hello.

Hello. Nothing. Hello. I'm in the kitchen, waddling around. I go, hello, sir. Ding-ding-ding. I'm hitting the bell on the counter, which they hate the bell. I don't know why these places have bells.

Don't put the bell in. Don't put the bell in. You hate the bell. Every time. Ding. That's enough, sir. It feels rude to ring a bell, but you put the bell in there. Bell's there.

Just saying. Bell's palsy. What is that? That's the one I think your face collapses. Yeah, you get the droopy lip. Yeah, I think Matarice had it for a minute. No. Yeah, I think his whole face collapsed.

Wow. I think he got better. Better? Better, huh? All right. Better male. I was trying to do the Monty Python. Oh.

She turned me into a noot. I got better. Oh, yeah. That's great. All right. Well, good for you, Matarice. Way to un-collapse your face. Yeah.

I think he blew it back up or something. You got to give him mouth to mouth or something. Yeah. Well, you need a big mouth to stretch out to his. Well, I'm in the clear. Yeah, you're all right. Reverb. All right.

We go to the cage, Kevin. Nobody's there. He waddles out from the kitchen, big, big guy, and he's got that vibe of like, you're bothering me? Yeah. You're ruining my day. Yeah. I'm at your business trying to give you cash, and you are bothered by me.

So whatever. I don't know. The world's against me. I hate myself. So this guy comes out and he goes, hey, how can I help you? And I go, hey, buddy, heard a lot of good things by some guy with a lip ring. He says this place is top notch, and he goes, yeah, we're pretty good. I'm from Louisiana.

I go, I'm from Louisiana. He goes, oh, yeah. All right. So now he's kind of like, oh, shit, this guy's got, he knows this shit, this guy might call me out. Yeah. Maybe he's from, you know, Mississippi, and he's just been claiming Louisiana. Yes, exactly.

And he can lie to all the, oh, yeah, this is a shrimp that fell on the floor. And they're like, oh, this is a delicacy. Look at that, you know? Yeah, yeah. It's like these New Hampshire folks being like, I'm from Boston, dude. Right. And then you're like, whereabouts? They're like Manchester.

You're like, all right. Exactly, exactly. So this guy's going to serve me, you know, crawfish placenta and try to write it off as some dish. So I go, all right, I'll have the crawfish étouffée. If you will, my good man. He goes, that's only on Saturdays. Oh.

Sunday. And I go, what? All right. God damn. That's why we drove here. He's like, well, what do you want me to just be back there? We ran out. I cook a bunch of pots.

It's sold out yesterday. I go, oh, fuck. All right. So I go, well, give me the shrimp creole. You don't have that. Yeah. I go, what the fuck? You don't have shrimp creole.

What do you like? What do you like here? And he goes, well, I should tell you out of the gate, we're out of boot and balls and we're out of cornbread. Oh my God. What? You're out of boot and balls. You know what a boot and ball is?

No, no idea. It's like a hush puppy, but it's full of like dirty rice and meat. Oh, wow. Which sounds horrific. Now that I just described that, but it's pretty great. All right. So I was like, Jesus, you know that? You know that?

So I was like, what do you have? He's like, we got po-boys and burgers. So you got a burger and a sandwich. Burgers. A po-boy is just a shrimp on bread, pretty much, or, you know, roast beef on bread. Not to mention Columbus is like a real city, like you left a city to go to this place. It's not like you're in some shit town. There's food in Columbus.

I know. I drove all the way here for some special food. That's a good point. Yes. So I'm, I'm peeved now. So I go, all right, well give me the fucking what, give me the catfish po-boy with the potato salad. He's like, we don't have potato salad.

I'm like, yeah. Oh, it's like Reggie's. Yes. Paco. So now I'm pissed. Now I'm like, God damn, we'll just give me the fries then. So now I'm eating a catfish sandwich with fries. I could get that at a Chinese place.

Oh, so catfish. Get real. Well, I mean, I had to get some seafood, I felt like. I know, but still. And he kept being like, now he's on his heels a little bit. Now he's like, ah, well, we fly the crawfish up from New Orleans, and I'm like, what's that here? You know, so he's like trying to like backpedal, like, don't worry, we're legit, but just

not today. I'm like, geez. So this poor chum with me, who works at the club, he's like, ah, I really wanted to try this stuff. So the guys that get the shrimp, oh boy, it's good. So now he's eating a fake, fake fucking thing, because the guy, you know, ah. So now we're just sitting there eating French fries, like an idiot. And the guy's like, ah, we got a cafe du mon coffee.

And I was like, all right, well, that's legit. That's from New Orleans. So I go squeeze the thing. It's out. Ah. So now I'm drinking Folgers and eating catfish. I mean, I'm drinking a black coffee and fish. Fendamon.

Yes. The end of the world. So now I'm just like this was a huge waste of time. Luckily the club paid for it, which was nice. But yeah, that was it. Now I'm just, we just sat there. We ate it like idiots. And he's like, the guy I was with was such a sweetheart.

He went back and he was like, can you let me know when the A2, I'm going to drive back for the A2 fade. The guy's like, I swear to God, we'll have it Saturday. And that was that. Now you got to drive back. Now you got to go back, but this guy's getting away with murder because he lives in Fredericksburg and the place is paid for and you can do whatever he wants. There's no competition.

Well, I'll tell you, Mark, we weren't far away from each other. There's a big rivalry, you know, between, that's amazing. You were in Columbus and I was in Ann Arbor, the two big schools, Ohio State and Michigan. Yes. The biggest rivalry in all of college sports other than Alabama, Auburn, Duke, North Carolina. Those are the big three, I would say. Capulets of the Montagues. Army Navy.

But anyways, you were in Columbus. I was in Ann Arbor. But hell of a time, I don't want to get too crazy because my fucking mouth is killing me. Don't push it, but push it. But I'll tell you this, I was in Ann Arbor and I'm at the hotel and, you know, they say Mexicans are stealing our jobs. I've heard that and they're rapists.

Right. But I think the whites are stealing the jobs back because every single cleaner at this hotel was a white in their 20s. Was it a Russian whore? No, no. It was like a regular old Midwest people. Wow. I think times are hard, but I kind of felt for the Mexicanos because usually they're

the ones cleaning up the thing. I know that sounds bad or whatever, but I think that's what I see. That's what I see as well. A lot of Hispanic. Or maybe they're not, they might not be Mexican, but they're Latino, of course. Yes. Or Latina. Latina, mostly Latinas, quite frankly.

Yes. Yes. Or Asian too. A lot of Asians are cleaning. Yeah. You got a couple of Philippines in there. Yep. Philippine, yes, I say.

Philippine, and then I empty it with, come. Empty it on me. Penis. But anyways, so these are some regular old Midwest whites. They look a little white trashy, you would say, but I don't want to be judgmental. A little meth face. But I am judgmental, so what can I do? Hey, we all are.

We have a job called a judge. He gets paid to do that. Also, a cigar and a car called the judge. Oh yeah, and a gun. Is that right? There's a gun called the judge. Oh wow, there's Aaron Judge, baseball player. And comedian.

Boatswain's mate. Aaron Judge? There's a comedian called Aaron Judge, the woman. Oh, Aaron Judge. Yes. Yes, I know Aaron Judge. We started together way back in the 90s. She had a couple gyms.

Oh yeah, funny gal. Yeah. But anyways, so I walk out of my room, and then one of these women, the cleaner, she walks out and goes, ah, that is fucking nasty. Wait a minute. People are the worst. Wow. She's walking out of a different room.

Oh. Doesn't know I'm in there. I see her like, jump out of a room. Whoa. And I'm trying to figure out what she saw in there, blood, shit, cum. My act. All three. Yeah.

So, but she doesn't see it. Then she looks up and sees me, and she's like, oh my god, I'm so, she's embarrassed. She's like, ah, I'm so sorry. That was weird. I didn't mean to. And I was like, no, I get it. People are gross. I was like, you won't find anything gross in my room.

And as I said it, I was like, I better clean up all the gum in my room. Yeah. And the boobs. Your blinds are shut. But so I kind of caught her in this weird moment, you know. And then I go out, I go down, I take a swim, I work out, I come back up, and I go change. Then I'm going out to eat. I'm leaving the elevator.

I'm waiting for the elevator door. I hear it like, enter. I hear people on the elevator. And I just hear, burp. Oh, Susan, you fucking whore. Woo, you burped. The door's open. And it's me again.

She looks up and she's embarrassed because she just belched. And I went, you again. Wait a minute. This is a woman. The cleaning woman. Cleaning woman again. She belched. She belched on the elevator.

It was a whole crew. The whole elevator smelled like a smoke bomb. This is like a motley crew you got here. Yeah. So I caught her in two different moments. One being like, that's fucking disgusting. And the next one, just belching. But it was a fun moment because I got to give her a you again.

Yes. And it was fun. She was embarrassed. She laughed. I think I could have had sex with her if I wanted to. Was she attractive? No. Aha.

No. She was the kind of woman that, you know, says fucking belches. Like us. You could have definitely done it then. But a woman. Yeah. This is a point that the Latinas tidying up our dog shit are great because there's a language barrier and it actually helps.

I don't want to hear your shit. I don't want to hear you talking. Yeah. So the fact that you can't speak my language is a perk in this case. Yes. I suppose so. If I call a customer service line or get an Uber, I want a guy speaking English or a gal.

But in this case, mum's the word. Well, a lot of these people, they never complain either. That's the thing. Right. They talk about these jobs. It's like the old Geraldo bit. They have jobs that most people don't want. They have them.

Cleaning toilets, cleaning boobly boobs. But now, I guess you've got to work. These are tough times. Wow. You've got to just work a whatever job. That's kind of interesting about those small towns like an Ann Arbor. I don't know. Is that a small town?

It's pretty small. It's a city, but it's small. And then Bloomington. You know, these like smaller places because you go to a restaurant and it's like a white honky cracker bus and tables and shit. Right. Oh, yeah. It's kind of fun to see like, oh, that's what it was like in the 50s probably.

I suppose so. I'm not saying I want whitey taking all the jobs, I'm just saying it's fun seeing a whitey doing some labor. Right. I don't know why that's fun, but it's just it's something you don't see every day. Jarring. Yeah. It's interesting.

Right. It's because I hate when people are like, if the Mexicans aren't digging the ditches, who's going to do it? Poor whitey. Who else? Poor people. Yeah, I guess so. Well, they're there.

They're doing the job there. But it is fascinating. You don't see that very often. You don't see it. Yeah. We go, we live in the Big Apple and you go to JFK and it's all, all the TSA folk are people of color. POC.

Yeah. And then you go to Austin and all the TSA is whitey and you're like, oh, yeah. Interesting. Interesting. Yeah. Different strokes for different folks. So it's a wild mother nature is a mad scientist. You got that right.

You said. But anyways, that was fun. Great weekend in Ann Arbor. Got to thank all the Tuesday. I got a birthday gift. Oh, I forget their name. Let me write it down. Christian and the lady filled out the car.

I got a card from Christian and Kim Christian and Kim nice birthday card, beautiful little writing in there. They wrote really nice things about both of us. Wow. Happy birthday and get me some money as well. I bought a nice lunch handwritten handwritten beautiful card really thoughtful. I appreciate it. And then I got to give a big shout out to Zach Martina my feature for the weekend.

Wait a minute. Chunky guy with curly hair and a beard. Good guy. Funny guy. Great guy. Hilarious. Killing all weekend. One show he killed too hard.

Late show Saturday. It was like too hard. It was definitely one of those ones of you standing out there. People definitely liked him way more. He's a little more higher energy. High energy. Yeah. Great jokes.

Killer stuff. He's like I lost my dog. I found him in a pile of blood on the side of the street. You know, one of those. Right. Right. It was a really funny stuff. Like I was LOL-ing throughout the weekend.

As long as you got jokes, I'm good. And just killing. Yeah. Oh, great jokes. And just a great guy brought me a birthday gift. Ah. He drove me home one night. He got a notebook.

Is there any place open? He's like, I don't think so. It's a sleepy town. The next day, I get a Chipotle gift card, a brand new notebook with a bow on it. What a lunch. What a sweetie. Oh yeah. Good guy and beautiful, beautiful man.

Great comic. Lot of funny comics there hanging out. Lot of Tuesdays came out. Yeah. We packed shows, well, one show. And then I put it on Instagram so the cat's out of the bag, but I got a ride in Mitch Album's car. Unbelievable.

Mitch Album author of Tuesdays with Maury. The original. Oh yeah. It's so weird to hear Maury. It is weird. And the people, people always assume we have some affiliation with the book. Like, oh, that book, they never, never read one page of it. Not a thing.

Saw the movie when I was high. Movie. There's a movie. Really? Yeah. I don't know about that. It's not great. All right.

I think you might be thinking of something else. Maybe I'm thinking of Dinner with Andre. Or I guess who's coming to dinner. Google that shell town. Is there, is there a Tuesdays with Maury movie? Maybe not. Doesn't sound right. It feels like in the 60s, they made every book into a movie.

There's, you know, Little Red Riding Hood and the Bible. The book was written like 10 years ago. No. 20 years. Maybe 99, 98, something like that. No. It's a 90s book, for sure. Is it 90s?

I think it was 41. 90s or 2000s. It was a TV movie in 99. Okay. When was the book written? I'm not, I'm not saying I don't believe you. I just thought this book was from the Holocaust. I think the book's like 98 maybe?

99? 95? Oh, I had no idea. It was that recent. That's up there. It was like Aladdin. It was like a 60 year old. 97.

97! How about that? It's a freshman high school. I only knew him from the Detroit Free Press because he was on the sports reporters every week. The DFB. But he now, he knows about the show and he said he wouldn't sue us, which is nice. Is he a cuck?

No, I think he's a good guy. He's a good writer. He wrote that book and he wrote another book, you know. She's not that new? Wednesdays with Willie. No, the five people you meet when you go to heaven. That's like another big book. I've heard about that.

Then he was a writer for the, you know, the tigers and the lions and the bears, oh my. Nice guy. But anyway, so that was exciting. We got a signed copy of the book. I still am not going to read it, but maybe I will. Who knows? Five people, but I was in his car. I was like, this is amazing.

I get in the car and the woman that picked me up, Nicole, who's last name I forget already. God damn. Funny Nicole on Instagram. Smith. Pretty funny Nicole, I think is her name. Pretty funny Nicole. All right. Yeah.

And she is pretty and funny. And she picked me up. She's like, I saw your podcast is called Tuesdays with Story. She's like, this is Mitch Album's car. I was like, that's insane. Wow. Yeah. I licked the door handle and put a booger under the seat just to, just to, you know,

be together. Kweef in there. Why does, why does she have his car? You know, I don't know. She's a thief. No, she, she knows him. She's friends. It's a small town.

I don't know. They all know each other over there. And they work for him. Back in the coal. He's, I'm not really sure. I don't, I don't own the album, but, but I guess he's like, streamlined. Family, charitable guy, just a good guy, one of the really good guys. All right.

Well, good on you, Mitchy. So anyways, we did that. And then I get a call Saturday morning, guess who's working in Hamron Rock, Michigan. Uh, Sam, my old pal, Roberto, Patrick, oh, Kelly, oh, Bobby K. Bobby Kelly. He married me and maybe he'll divorce me one day. Who knows. But did you need a guy for that? I don't know if you need a guy.

I'll ask Peter. It'd be nice. Oh, is that out of the bag? I think it's out of the bag ish. All right. That's a small bag. It's a pillowcase. It's like a little cocaine bag, but anyways, boy, I gotta tell you, my mouth is really

hurting. I'm doing my best. You're pushing. I can hang. I can take over. I'm worried about you. A couple of things. Okay.

I'm just worried about you. So, uh, Robert Kelly, I meet up with him. He's got a show in some town called Hammer Rack or whatever the fuck. Boy, times are tough. Yeah. He's passing through. So, we meet up at La Casa de Havana Cigar Bar. Okay.

We smoke a big fat old cigar. House of the Havana. Yeah, something like that. It might have just been La Casa and I added the Havana. I like that better. But we're watching the Masters with Smoking Cigars great hang and we did a little mini pod. It's on his Patreon.

I want to put it on our Patreon. What the hell? We can't have a little pod? I said, share our Patreon. Yes. He said, I'll send it to you, but then he never sent it to me. But, uh, great guy. There's nothing better than bumping into, like, a close friend in the room.

Cause I got Zach out there and he's sweet and we're having fun. We're having some laughs. It's nice to meet people. Sure. But when you get one of those old, classic chums, one of your great buddies. In the middle of nowhere. There's nothing better. Yeah, it's a great feeling.

No better feeling. Yeah, you really connect and it just feels like home for a moment and then he leaves and you're like, oh, I got to walk back to the club and I had a birthday out there and I got to say, I had a fun moment. I went to the movie, saw Chappaquiddick. Go check it out. Tony V is in it. I heard it was okay.

I liked it. I love the Kennedys. I love history, all that shit. I'm a big Kennedy guy. So it was pretty cool and, um, Tony V's in it, Gaffigan's in it, but I went to the movies and I walked back. He can walk. It's like a 10 minute walk.

I'm walking up the highway. This is a real comedian moment. It starts snowing. It's like snowing sideways. The wind is whipping. It's my birthday. I'm walking up a highway, back to the fucking thing. The hotel and I'm like, this is a, I feel like a real comic right now.

Yes. You're traveling. Two in the afternoon. I got M&Ms between my teeth. It's a snowstorm and I'm just bundled up, walking up the highway, going, uh, you know, coming to the show folks and cars with him by. You're a warrior of show business. You can handle it.

It's your birthday. You're walking through a snowstorm. You got a cigar buzz and a zitty dick and you're making it work. We're battling, baby. So we did that. And then Saturday was hash bash. Come again? Hash bash.

Is that weed? It's hard to talk like this. Hash bash. Hash bash. Some big weed thing. Weed festival and all these weed people. I hate, I talked about this on stage at the show. I hate weed people.

The lifestyle. Yes. If you smoke weed, smoke weed. I'm pro weed. I'm pro legalization and I used to smoke pot. I just don't get when it's your, it's your thing. It's your personality. You have a hat with a weed leaf on it and a green cape and they're all, you just stink

and you're like, weed bro. I'm like. 420 dude. I'm like, you're a fucking nerd. Yes. I'm not wearing an alcoholic. I'm not wearing like a Budweiser top hat and like a Jagger shirt. I'm walking around with Spud's Mackenzie.

I mean, I used to wear like a T-shirt occasionally. But it's not your life. Yeah. It was very, very, I just don't like it. It's all like, eh, we're the weed folks. I hate it. I'm getting high and you're like, just be a grown up. Just get high.

I got the sticky icky. It's the top shit. Cush. Shut up. Yeah, you fucking loser. Hug your dad. One time my dad came in when I was, when I was in high school, I was a real like booze. I was that guy with beer and I had all these like, you know, you're not as think as you're

drunk I am and all that shit, all those dumb college, you know, like this is college and like, this is what I learned in college, all the shot glasses, poster, my dad's like, what is this? What are you doing? He totally made fun of me. They really hit me to the core and I took them all down. Yeah, you really think, you have different times where you think you're something at different times.

Yeah. I'm like, I'm going to be into this. Right. This is my thing. And then you're like, I don't even like this. That's why I thank God for comedy because I was always looking for that. Maybe I'm this guy, maybe I'm the hula hoop guy, maybe I'm the, you know, gay man. Yeah.

I remember like skateboarding was huge. Like if I was in like third, fourth grade, like 90, 91, and then like I got a skateboard and put stickers on it and then I was afraid to get on. I was like, I hate this. Oh, weird. This is what I want to do. Yeah. It slips out from underneath you.

You fall. I don't like bumping my elbow. Yeah. I'm like, this sucks. Yeah. That I got into. That was like my thing before comedy, but I know what you mean. Yeah.

It's like a thing where I'm like, I don't even want to be on a skateboard. I just had a poster at Tony Hawk and I'm like, I don't even give a shit. Right. I like football. There you go. And porno and books about war. Porno. That's Dennis Leary.

That's the asshole song. Yeah. I like football and porno and books about war. That's right. All right. This last thing about Ann Arbor. I want to give a hot shout out to this bookstore called Crazy Wisdom, my new favorite place of all time.

They got a tea house, upstate tea shop. Uh-huh. They got books about, you know, philosophy and Buddha and all this stuff. It's like a real meditation place and every book is great. It's got a real vibe. They got like Buddhas everywhere. It's a nice place. And they used to open until 11 p.m. on Friday and Saturday, so I kept going there between

shows. You get a nice cup of jasmine tea and like these like kind of sexy, weirdo hipsters. I think they do AA meetings upstairs too. Oh, fun. Didn't get to go to any, but it looked like the vibe I got there. It's like almost fight clubbing. You can see where the meetings take place. Yeah.

Well, I smell some sadness in here. Right, right. Some recovery. But I'm there Saturday night, late night. It's like 10.30 at night and they have like these two double glass doors, like the front doors are glass and some fucking douchebag mook fucking drunk asshole, frat piece of shit, walks up and just kicks the door, kicks the whole window out, the whole door. Like a five foot long, two foot wide glass pane, just kicks it right out.

Drunk guy? Just a drunk asshole. Holy smokes. All the places, all the businesses, he goes to the crazy wisdom Buddhist store and just kicks out of it. It's a bunch of like 17 year old girls, they're like, they're all screaming and he just ran away, this fucking asshole. And I was like, boy, can I help?

Can I do anything for you? Luckily, there's a bunch of women. There's like four people working. Yeah. So I'm like, no, we'll call and have them come board it up, the whole thing, but it's pretty wild and jarring. You're in there drinking tea and we're all meditating and touching nipples and all of a sudden you just hear like bang and glass gets shattered out and I thought to myself, I used to be

that guy. Now I'm in here. How about that? I'm reading all these like recovery books, I'm meditating, I'm drinking tea, I'm sniffing the leafs. I used to be that guy that would just walk up and break shit. I used to steal, you know, for sale signs and break, you know, barriers, what do you call those?

Park and garage arms. I was a vandal for years. Yeah. Wow, you've made a real one-gayty. A one-gayty and so now that I came back the next night, it's all like wooden boarded up and shit. It's a partner appearance. He's poor nerds.

Ironically, the guy could use some books from the bookstore. I think he was threatened. He knew, he didn't kick out the Nike store or the gym, he hit the bookstore. Fucking jerk off. But I've been that guy, but this is the thing, sometimes you're like this, that guy's a fucking asshole and people are like, hey, you were that guy and I'm like, I know, I was an asshole. That's why I'm comfortable judging. And you can spot him.

Yeah, I'm like, he's a fuck. I was a piece of shit. I used to just desecrate people's property, I feel horrible about it. Yeah. Wow. Try to make amends, but living amends. Man, living of women's. That's wild.

I mean, what a loon. Bad guy. Well, I mean, I shouldn't say bad guy, but fucking a troubled, troubled soul and I hope he gets it together. I hope. Probably sexual frustration. I think I was going to say, he needs to get blown sadly, but who's going to blow a guy kicking doors in of a bookstore?

Someone will. That's what's a bummer. Ah. Some women are into like a bad, like, oh, he kicked a door out. I'm going to suck his dick. Well, I'd like to, while he's getting blown, I'd like to kick his door in. Yep. Well, tell me some things because I'm reverberating like hell over here.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's a wild story. So I got to tell you, I had a real bad moment yesterday. I was on the corner and there was a guy with his girlfriend and he was going, no, no, it was a, it was a woman and her daughter. It was like a mom and a daughter. The daughter was like 15.

The mom was a mom and they're going, they're looking on the corner, looking up, turning around, looking at a phone and they go on, God damn it. I go, you ladies need some help. I tried to be like a chivalrous gentleman, cunt. Yeah. And they go, yes. Thank you. Oh my God.

I'm on Barrow Street. We can't find Barrow Street. And I go, look, I live right over here. These West Village streets are all cooked up. You got to go that way. And she was like, thank you so much. We're late for a show. They walk away.

Two minutes later I go, ah, Barrow's the other, complete opposite way. I felt terrible. Oh no. I hate that. I've done that before. Have you? Yes, I have. Oh, I feel better because I felt, I almost chased after them but they were gone and they,

ah, I totally, they might have missed the show because of me. Oh God. First of all, they should have Google Maps or some situation. You had a phone, but that, those streets are topsy-turvy. I mean, I get it. No, it's wild. I mean, I've lived here 10 years, 11 years and I still, I'm in the West Village going, what the fuck is going on here?

Yeah. Part of the problem, 4th and Bleecker, they go two different directions. Exactly. Like West 4th all of a sudden goes North South. Right. Very bizarre. Yeah. Bleecker starts horizontal and then it goes vertical without you even seeing it.

So it's like a date rape. Yes. So, ah, I told the wrong way and I, God, I felt hooked. I was so confident and cocky and I was like, yeah, look at me helping out these lost ladies. And then, so I feel horrible about that. And I told the lady, I was like, ah, my, my gal. I was like, yeah, I feel terrible. She's like, ah, they'll get over it, but I think they missed the show because of me.

So then a couple of hours go by, now I'm running around set and doing five sets of running from here to there. And I see a guy in his girlfriend, Asian guy, and he goes, God, which way is the Lansing? And he's like, and she's like, I don't know. Check your phone. Ah, and they're, they're, they're very lost looking. And I swear to God. And I go, I used to live in this area.

I go, the Lansing is that away. And I get into a cab, look like a real hero. And I heard the guy go, well, it must be nice to be a real man. Wow. No one's ever thought I was a real man in my life. Wow. Boy. I wonder if his Asian gal was turned on like, oh, he's a hot round eye.

It's weird when you hear things that you wish your dad would say, like, if this guy was my dad, your whole life would change. That's true. You know? Yeah. Well. But it's nice to hear from that guy at least. I'll take it from a guy or an Asian or whoever.

But I actually got that one right. So it was fun. And the same day I got to redeem. There is no better feeling on earth, including blowjobs and anal sex with your best buddy than giving somebody direction. I had to have it the other day at 72nd Street. I just got off the train. She's like, which way is West End Avenue?

I was like, one block that way. And she's like, thank you. And you feel good. It releases endorphins or dopamine or something. Acestetamine. Yeah. Something like that. Submitifin.

Acestetamine. What a word. Yeah. Yeah. That lady was probably like, walk around like, what a fucking asshole. Yeah. That sucks. And I even said, oh, I live like two blocks away.

I know this area really well. And so she either thought it was just a complete tool or completely an idiot. Well, what also might have happened too, though, because you said it was such confidence and you seem like a nice boy, she might think somehow she fucked up. Like she might be like, boy, I thought he said this way, but he couldn't have because he said he lived here. Yeah. Hope.

One can only hope. Hopefully she's blaming herself. Can I just interject this real quick? Folks, two days from now, we are doing a live Tuesdays with stories at Antons in Austin, Texas, part of the Moon Tower, 7.30 p.m. And we got some big guests. Sing it, sister. Should we reveal?

Let's reveal. Yeah. It might help the tickets. Well, woo. I, uh, Joe reached out. I can't thank it up there, Fattie. And, uh, we, we shot for the fences. We really did.

And we cleared them. Is that what that is? It's a home run reference, right? Yeah. It's a home run reference. I think it's a home run reference. So we shot for the fences. Swing for the fences.

Swing. Yes. We swung for the fences. Yes. And we're not on the fence. That's bad too. You don't want to be on it. No, that's no good.

That's indecisive. So we shot for the, swung for the fences. List reached out to Ron Bennington. The legend himself, folks. Ronnie B. Woo. Live Tuesdays with stories. If you're in San Antonio, if you're in Houston, wherever you are, jump in the car, drive to

Boston. Moon Tower Festival. Anton 730. This Thursday, we also have Chris DiStefano. Oh, gee. Sorry. Yeah. He's a beast himself.

One of our all time best episodes. If you haven't listened to that episode, people hate the guests, but man, go listen to that episode. He's back on. We have one of the most attractive men of all time. Yeah. And Ron Bennington on the show, a legend and Chris D., a legend in his own right. It's at Anton's at 730.

Go pack Joe and Crystal. I believe we're going to be there. Yeah. Bring that newborn child. Unborn child, I should say. Unborn. Yeah. So we do have some people here.

We don't want Ron Bennington to be there and have 11 people in the crowd. Oh, God. Yeah. I think he moved some stuff around for us, folks. So really show up. He's a killer. He's got a gift to gab, one of the best radio men of all time. Yeah.

And it'll be on the Patreon. So get on the Patreon now. We got that live episode and we have May 7th of the Village Underground. We got to figure out some guests for that one. Oh, yeah. Maybe the big CQ will jump in. Yeah. Not in the Austin area or the Greenwich Village area.

Get on the Patreon. You're going to hear both of those on the Patreon. They're going to be killer. Killer. We got Ron Bennington, Christie, this Thursday, Moon Tower, and all we can get a pass because all we can, we're going to be running around. And we're on a lot of the same shows together. Oh, is that right?

Yeah. You can see us on the same shows multiple times. You can go to live Tuesdays. Then later on, we're both in the same show that night. We're on the same show Friday night. Yeah. So go get your passes and see some Tuesdays out there. See some Tuesdays, some top-notch live pods, some top-notch comedy.

Say hello. We'll take a gay photo. And we'll all yell at Chipotle. Yeah. Bonfire will be there. Wear your Tuesday gear. Let's see. Yeah.

Wear that Tuesday gear. And thanks for coming out. Oh, my God. Ann Arbor, a bunch of Tuesday shirts. The new ones we saw. Oh, yeah? The rainbow ones. I mean, I really love it.

We had some women out there. The whole thing. I love it. Thank you. I love it. Yeah. I got to say, that's all lunch. But I got to say, I made fun of a kid, a Tuesday.

And Bloomington came up. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I talked about it. He wrote me. Oh, boy. He was like, I'm so sorry. I'm a gay guy. I don't know if he's actually gay or if he's doing the I'm gay thing.

But we love you, sir. And thanks for coming and all that. And sorry we made fun of you if we did. Yeah. But God love you. See you Thursday. Praise our love. See you Thursday in Austin.

Tejas. All right. So I had a fun one the other day. I was hanging out with Soder. We go out. We hang out all day. We part ways. And I see a guy.

There's a restaurant with outdoor tables. And it's a swanky high end restaurant. A lot of flowers and vines on it. One of those kind of girly places, like brunch spots. Love girls. And this guy. Is that right? So there we go.

This guy is sitting. He's the only guy outside on the tables. It's a beautiful day. New York has really picked up the weather. Yeah. And it's a beautiful day, sunny day. And he's sitting there, white guy, filthy, long fucked up hair with clumps of dog poo in it and after birth.

Just sitting there filthy and he goes, ah, I told you, what the fuck with me? I'll kill you. Ah, you make me sick, you motherfucker. Ah, no, I'll bite your face on. He's just sitting there slamming the table and yelling like that. Like fuming. His eyes are bulging. He's beat red.

His tongue's going everywhere. He's sweating. Wow. Lewis Black. Yeah. But like way less annoying. I got it. And so then this guy comes out.

So everybody's walking by whatever it's New York. I mean, this is top of the lungs, you know, belted out banshee screaming. And this guy comes out like the matriot D or wherever the fuck from the restaurant. He's in a suit and a bow tie and he comes out and he goes, just swings the door open and he goes, excuse me. And the guy goes, oh, of course. Oh, I get it. And got him and walked away.

Wow. It was amazing. It was the craziest thing ever. He was yelling at the top of his lungs, furious. And this guy goes, just puts one finger up and goes, ah, and the guy goes, oh yeah, I'm out of here. Don't worry. Wow.

That's exactly what he was doing. It was insane. Oh, that's amazing. That's kind of sweet. It was sweet. Yeah. I wish I could show you live to the audience because he just got up and went, oh yeah, no, I got him out.

Don't worry. Wow. I kind of love that. I kind of loved it too. I fell on the floor laughing. I was on the sidewalk. The whole sidewalk was like, that was amazing. We all bonded over it.

It's kind of like, you know, there's like in hockey, you know, you really nail the star player and then somebody comes over and goes, all right, buddy, we got to fight. We can't have you hitting our star. And he's like, all right, that's fair. Yes. And they kind of fight. And you're like, all right, sorry. I love that.

Sorry, I hit the guy. I got to fist fight you now. And I'll go back to the bench. Right. Right. In a way, it's almost more coherent because you know, a lot of people, they're so into their own bullshit that they're like, well, you got a problem with me. Fuck you.

Whoa. Whoa. What's wrong? It's like, no, this guy was so lucid in a way that he was like, oh, I realize this is crazy. Yeah. Yeah. It was great to watch.

Kind of charming. It was kind of charming. And it made me realize like, I know people who might be crazier than him. Oh yeah. You know, because they would fight the waiter and be like, ah, I can do whatever it's a free country below me. Yeah. But this guy got it.

Yeah. There are people like that. And you can listen to their podcast called Legion of Skanks. It comes out on Wednesdays. I got to say, those guys, I'm doing their pod next week, they killed it on Rogan. I want to give a shout out. Those guys did Rogan, which is like their Mount Olympus. Yeah.

That's like their tonight show. And they fucking killed it. I listen to Rogan all the time. Some episodes are better than others. This one was out of the ballpark, swung for the fence, reverb anal. Wow. We got to get on Curb Your Enthusiasm ASAP. Oh, tell me about it.

That's all I want. All right. I just re-watched it. It'll be fun. Oh, you see the Andre Doc? I did. I'm halfway through it. I liked it.

I wish there was a little more depth though. I want more depth out of these documentaries. I like depth. It was a little bit like, ah, then he fired it, and then he wrestled, and then that was it. Right. But it was good. I enjoyed it.

I wish there was some more. I wish there was more stuff in there. Well, he's a sweet guy, but he had his demons for sure. Like how he would, he didn't like a loudmouth guy, and he would beat the fuck out of you if he didn't like you. No baby oil. Get out. Yeah.

Yeah, he was terrifying. There was more to that stuff too though. Like he used to step on Big John Studd's hair, I guess, and like I heard some all the crazy stories, but like they just kind of went into it for like a minute. Yeah. Like he hated Randy Savage. Right. He would hit him, and then it was like, that's over now.

Right. It was kind of like, give me more. Who did he love? Give me some more stuff. Yes. Tell me more about him fucking. Like they do like five minutes on farts. Yes.

I'm like, what was his relationship? Right. Where did that kid come from? Don't tell me too much. It was just like a little bit. They just dabbled. Yeah. And they talked about his dick.

I want to hear about his dick. Yeah. I can't get a whole dock on his dick. Yeah. A dick dock. Dick dock. Tallywack or give a dog a bone. I gotta go see the dick dock ASAP.

A few times. The Elvis one comes out this Saturday. It came out Tuesday at the Searcher, which I'm excited about. They're really cutting that Mr. Rogers' dock. I saw the trailer when I saw Chappaquiddick. I was sobbing in the fucking stands. I love, he was my, my mom said he was my favorite. I hated Sesame Street.

I hated the pedophile next door, but I love Mr. Rogers. Wow. That's exciting. Yeah. I like that pace. He had a pace. He said, fuck you. I'm taking my tile.

I'll take my one shoe off. I'll take off my condom and my strap on and then we'll get into it. When the naysay is nade, you picked up the pace. You said, nothing's going to stop me so get out of my face. I'm having adventures all over the place. Rochelle, Rochelle. Nailed it. I love Dennis Leary.

All right. I'm going to wrap up here. I'm going to wrap him on my jaw. I can't wait for the, by the way, SNL this weekend has John Mulaney and I'm going. Oh wow. I'm going to the after party. I'm working during the show, but I'm going to go to the after party. This past weekend now.

Yes. Is it this Saturday? Yeah. But the next Saturday is this Saturday. Right now? Yeah. Anyway, sorry. There's 1100 sign fell references for you folks.

Yeah, sorry. That's exciting. Boy, Mulaney, he's really killing it. I think he's the, he's the top of his game. I think he's our guy right now. He's like the new guy. He is the guy. I had a long talk with people the other night at the cellar and I was getting too inside

but it was like, Burr was the guy and now I feel like he's falling off. Yeah. It's all this, it's all this jerking off. It's like talking about sports. You know, you're like, he's the best batter and he's got a great tackle and I'm gay. Yeah. So he's got a good stroke. Pink phone.

All right. All right. Well, where are you going to be? There's reverb. Well, folks, I'm going to be in the hospital, except this does, reverb doesn't stop. I'm going to be, uh, you know it already, but please come out to coma April 25 and 26. I think it is or maybe it's 26, 27, Smokane, the 28th, uh, moon tower all weekend. You got that right.

And then, uh, side splitters, May 3rd through the 6th, Winnipeg, uh, the Jets are gonna be in the middle of a Stanley Cup run, the 16th through the 19th, I'll be there. And then of course Denver comedy works, June 14th through the 16th and I added that Fort Collins on the 13th if you're a little ways away from Denver, Fort Collins, some theater on Wednesday the 13th of June. So Denver's coming up, Tampa's coming up, Winnipeg's coming up, Tampa, I already said, uh, Seattle, Tacoma, whatever the fuck it's called. So come on out, moon tower this weekend, tell people about the stand up season two, go check

it out if you haven't already, tell a friend and keep spreading the word and go to the Patreon. We got some huge live apps coming and bonus stuff. And get those t-shirt, they're selling like, uh, hot cakes, which I gotta say frozen cakes sell well as well. Could be a, could be a switch. Hmm, interesting. You know, hot cakes are pancakes, but everybody loves an ice cream cake.

Fun fact, all right, I'm at Magoobies in Baltimore, come on out to that. Then I'm at Acme in Minneapolis, first time headlining there, I can't wait, I hear amazing things. Amazing club. Um, yeah, Minneapolis, Funnybone, Dayton with my old pal, Chris Allen. Then comedy works, Denver, one of the best clubs, uh, then I'm at the Clusterfest in San Fran, that'll be exciting, oh they hate San, they hate when you say that, uh, the city by the bay.

Uh, then I'm at Levity Live, West Nyeak, and then I'm gonna be in New Orleans in August at One-Eyed Jacks, Lafayette, also, I'm doing, uh, I think I'm doing the Lucy Fest, which I'm not looking forward to, uh, I shouldn't have said that, and, uh, yeah, a lot of fun Xanies again, and I, uh, you know, Chicago, and I'm doing Gotham Comedy Club, which feels good, like a real New York milestone. All right. So yeah, come out to that, and praise Allah, tell a friend, jizz in your aunt's eyeball, and tell her to wash it out herself, kiss your babies, hug your children, get a hobby, we'll

see you in hell. Y'all at Chipotle, tweet Facebook, email. We love you. God bless. Bye. Reverb. Bye. Bye.