Tuesdays with Stories! - #242 Gay Birthday Clown

Episode Date: April 24, 2018

Its a Texas Tuesday as Mark & Joe record from Mark's hotel room at the Moontower Comedy Festival in Austin, TX (don't worry Tuesgay's, we fixed the mobile recorder) as get into MArk's contentious trip to Banana's Comedy Club in New Jersey and how Joe impersonated a caterer with Luis J. Gomez at a charity gig! Check it out! We're doing a LIVE pod with special guests at the Village Underground in NYC on May 7th! Reserve tickets here: www.comedycellar.com/ We now have WEEKLY bonus eps with Mark & Joe talking about whatever! Get on it! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download Go on iTunes and give the pod a #5StarLunch review!

This is a stand-up New York Labs production, providing you podcasts since 2013. Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag!

Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe Lest. Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. Yeah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. Hey, hey!

Alright, I think we're cooking, folks. Let me get the backup. Oh, get the backup, please. Alright, we're gonna get a backup on the iPhone, just in case, because we don't know how to use electronics. This thing, it's a hell of a record of the Zoom. Shout out to Zoom. But they don't make it easy for the layman.

No. Or the gayman. Donnie D on the backup. Drug free. So put the crack up. Yeah. We're in Mark's room. Can I adjust the temp a little bit?

Sure. You got it at 79. I do? No, I'm kidding. What was it at? It was at 70, but I like a little air. I'm wearing jeans and a long sleeve. You're wearing a long sleeve baseball tee rolled up in a pair of shots.

Oh, yeah. What sucks? I hit the gym today. I went to Golds. Let me tell you this thing that just happened to me that's bugging me. Please do. So I hit up Golds and I went to a smoothie after because I earned it. Juiceland?

Yep. I love juiceland. We probably just missed you. Maybe. Yeah, I bet. I went to Juiceland and I saw you guys on the corner, like a couple of barbershop quartets. Down on the corner, out in the street. Yes.

Is that Creedence? Creedence, Clearwater. Yes, Clearwater. Where Ron Bennington's from. That's right. We'll get to that. Oh, you bet we will, fuckers. So I went and got a smoothie.

And I had this one. So the smoothie shop is just full of broads, dames and skirts. Gash. Yes. Trim. Puss. Snatch. I don't remember if that was a quick side note.

Our friend of ours, I don't want to say his name. He got laid and I was on the phone talking to him and I went, well, congrats on the puss. And then there was like a lady just gave me a real look as she walked. I was like, he's divorced. Sorry. Oh, I know who that is now. Yeah, I think everyone does. I know the lady.

All right. So you go to the smoothie joint, tons of gashes. Yeah. Big gash town. And that's the name of the smoothie shop. That's the documentary on HBO. I'd like to check that out. Number real sex.

All right. Too high. So there's just tons of gals in there. And I go to the mail at the register and I go, I'll take the Baconator or whatever. And boy, the women in this town, huh? And he just rolls his eyes. What is that? The city's woke, dog.

It's the end of an era. I know you can't fuck around here, which makes me nervous. That's what's so weird about doing our, we're in Austin right now for moon tower, but we're doing our pod. But then like down the street, there's a bunch of, you know, the other team is playing at the same arena. It's like the fedoras versus the muscle, muscle milks or something. Yeah.

I've never had muscle milk before. Muscle milk was bad, but fedoras versus the new balances. Okay. Sure. All right. Yeah. So it's awkward. And wokeville and hipster central.

So it's scary. But we also packed the show too though. So you never know. It's a little bit of everything. It was a showcase with a lot of the guys, but yeah, I guess you're right. No, no. I'm talking about our podcast. Oh, our pod.

Yes. That was packed, baby. So how did it end? How did it go with this guy? I just said, okay. I gave him like a, okay. Like, well, geez, I guess I'm an asshole. And then he gave me my change and that was it.

Oh, geez. I know, but like, if I can't, it's like when comics, bitch about other comics, like, oh, he's being offensive. It's like, you're doing it now. Now I can't talk to a guy about how hot women are. Well, maybe he's gay or you could just be woke. I guess he's woke, but Hamilton had a good point. He's like, even women don't like those guys.

Like, yes. Right. They know women want to be thought of as attractive. Interesting. Yeah. And it's also like, you're not like, hey, I wouldn't mind bending over one of these women and licking their asses against their will. You're saying, boy, they're so pretty.

Yes. These are pretty, you know, independent women. Hmm. Yeah. So that was, that was annoying. But yeah, I love it here. How about this thing that keeps happening to us? And I'm not going to name names, but the people, everything I go to, people keep going, oh,

look at these white guys, bunch of white guys hanging out. I don't get, I don't understand the humor in it. No. Like where's, it's you, me and Chris D and Ryan Hamilton hanging and three different people come up and go, oh, it's white boys. It's too many white guys. I'm like, I don't, it just feels hack. I don't even get it.

It's hack. It's easy. I don't get what it is. It's buzzy, not funny. I wouldn't mind a joke about us being white guys. If you went boy, what are you guys writing poetry or whatever the fuck. Right. Hummus over here.

What are you doing yoga? Like there's a group of black guys and you went up and you were like, Hey, what is this, a big, big meeting or something? At least put a joke in there, but it's really to be like, oh, black guys. Yeah. I don't understand. There's no creativity, but it's happened like three times this festival. Yeah.

Every time, but you can't, again, you can't be like, all right, I get the white thing, no joke. They'd be like, Whoa, what do you can't take a blub, blub, blub, white boy? No, no, it's not that. I just like good humor. Yeah. I'm not, I'm not against it. I'm not offended.

It doesn't hurt my feelings. I don't feel oppressed. I just, I don't get, how about a joke? Yeah. Well, white guys. All right. Yep. That's what we are.

Yeah. Here we are. We are Caucasian. All right. Fat women. You're fat women. It'd be fun. We can do that.

Handicap. Yeah. I don't understand. But anyways, we're white guys. Two white people had sex and I got a chromosome or whatever the fuck. I got a dick. I don't know what to tell you. I got an extra white.

They were extra wide. Ah, yes. I guess if you made fun of a bunch of handicapped people, that would be a crutch. Now there's a joke at least. Hey, wheelchairs. Yeah. There was a woman at the gym today working out. She would like sit on a thing, work out like on a bench and then get up, crutch to the

next machine. Oh, wow. I was like, now this lady is a badass. Wow. She's kind of like that fighter that tried to fight me that time. His name I can't think of. He got really mad at me from Rhode Island. Oh, you want to bring his name up?

Yeah. He scares me. But he got like a car wreck and he had that fucking, the triangle thing that served the halo. And he was like lifting weights. You can find footage of it. What the fuck's his name? Holy hell.

Mickey Ward. Now Latino from Rhode Island. George Lopez. I can't believe I don't remember. He tried to fight me. Why? He was crazy. Hit a bunch of DUIs.

Someone will tweet at us. Call in. I don't even know where to start here, but we'll talk about the live episode. There was a heckling woman who gets picked up on the sound because we're going to sound like we're just abusing some old lady. I think she'll get picked up. She got picked up by the police too. She was heckling the whole time, but then after she came up to me and she's like, I'm

Heather. I call into your show all the time. I was like, I've never had one caller. She's like, you don't know me. Heather. I call in. I was like, sorry, lady. Yeah.

I just went with it. I was like, oh yeah. I think so. But where do we want to start? We're at the McEnroe benefit, which happened last week. The tennis player or the peaches? Tennis player. Okay.

That's Mackinac. They from Michigan? Once a year. Mackinac peaches? They from Mackinac, Michigan? That's a made up thing. Oh, okay. Yeah.

They said that in the DVD extras. Oh, okay. Yeah. I'm a fan. I was like, it could be peaches from Michigan. No. They got no peaches out there. This is scary too because we're in the hotel, the festival, and we have no idea who's next

to us. So every door I hear slamming, I just picture it's, you know, I know, I picture a blogger or an event with a laptop typing away. They got coffee mugs in their ear up against the wall. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Of course, we're posting it publicly, so I don't know why I'm afraid of someone over

here. It's a good point. All right. Well, you always have the benefit of no one listening. Like, I made fun of that host from the Columbus Funny Bone, and I got all these tweets like, are you worried this guy's going to hear him? Like, he's 68. He's not doing a pod.

Maybe you're right. But the people tell. That they tell. They're going to look up every person here and be like, which one of you was saying white guy or whatever. Yeah. But anyway, so last week, as you know, I had my dental surgery. We recorded the pocket.

The reverb is better, by the way. Oh, thank God. It went away. It was bad news bears. Now, some people don't like to dentist talk. One guy tweeted, like, for God's sake, stop talking about the dentist. I saw that. I apologize, but you're going to talk about that.

Yeah. It's it's your life. I went back, by the way. They're not going to like this episode. But anyways, I don't know where to go. I'm all over the place and it's exciting. I'm busting because we're at a festival and there's people everywhere we sold out last night.

It was such a hot show. And the whole crowd came to that show. Best fans in the world. We got a pop. I came out. Never had that happen. We came out and the crowd was like, ooh. They loved you.

And they I could tell they were they got you. You were doing like some riffing up top and they knew who you were. They knew your personality. It's so exciting. So thank you guys. It's a it's a fun time to be us, to be quite frank. It is nice. Yeah.

It's rare. This is a first for me. I've always been the outsider. No fan. No nothing. I got to like prove myself. And this is a first. This is great.

It's exciting. And we got a Magnolia gift certificate and a couple chipots. Yeah. I might say so. We got like a hundred bucks worth of stuff. And it's really goes a long way because it seems like we're doing well, but then taxes and a wife and you have a future. So all this is really meaningful and we really do go to Chipotle.

Oh, we're going to go after this immediately. Gay sex. Um, okay. So in my eye, okay, so so last week, so I had the surgery on Monday recorded the pod Wednesday. Then I went to the McEnroe benefit and it was the McEnroe brothers, Patrick and John. They have a tennis center in Queens and they got to raise money for the kids, which is really weird because it's all rich people and we're not getting paid.

Interesting. And they do an auction in the middle of the show and like they're paying like $20,000 for box seats at the French Open. And I'm like, we can't get a hundred bucks. Yeah. You literally just raised in front of me just from the auction alone, 200 grand. Interesting. The ticket.

It's like 150 bucks a plate. Everyone's in suits and dresses. Oh, hang on. Keep talking. I got a maid service. Is it a maid? You think? I don't know.

It's a maid. Oh, thank you, sir. Oh boy. Mark's getting a, what'd you get a delivery? I was afraid it was a blogger. Oh, wow, I'm hooked on coffee. Oh, hey, hooked on phonics worked for me. Not me.

Remember that commercial? Oh, yeah, that was big. That was like a big retard joke when we were in school. Yes. Hooked on phonics. It was like the thing. If someone said something dumb, you're like hooked on. That was like a go-to.

Big. It was the white of that time. Like if somebody said, yeah, yeah, somebody messed up, you'd say, yeah, hooked on phonics. Yeah. Anyways, didn't work for you. Oh, that's actually a better twist. I'll take it. We never even had that.

Maybe I'll bring it back just for the joke. I like it. All right. So you got your fucking Mac and Ro. So Mac and Ro. So we can't get, we don't get paid. I don't get it. We're not raising $800,000 for kids playing tennis.

Right. Throw us 50 bucks. Yeah. Or some, some tickets or something. It was also one of these things with a meal that kept me like, you're going to get food. We're bringing out food and the food never came. What? Maybe it came after I left, but like Todd Barry was there and, you know, he was freaking

out about that. He's like, where's the goddamn food? Wow. But it was a hot show. It was me, Todd Barry, Seth Herzog, Michelle Wolfe, Rachel Feinstein, and a lot of Jews. Ian Lara. Oh, he's cute. He's great.

So we all went up. Everyone had good sets. But it was kind of stuffy, you know? And then there's like a, a podium on stage, which is bizarre. And then the screen is down. There's a picture of Muhammad Ali up there. It's a whole thing. It was a little shaky.

So, uh, we do the show. It's packed. I get to meet the Mac and Rose, which is exciting. I'm a big tennis guy. John and Patrick. Wow. John was really cool. He's kind of a weirdo though.

He's got like, he's like a hip, you know, he's got like a V neck. It's like a tight shirt. He's like a cross and like his hair is all done up. Trying to be sexy. He looks like an old rocker. Yeah. He's real bizarre. But, uh, it was cool, but I'm all set to go third.

And then the guy who's running the show comes up to me and goes, Hey, would you mind going up after the auction? Oh, and I go, why? I'm about to go on stage. I go, I guess, what's going on? He's like, well, somebody needs to, uh, wants to go on earlier. This happens to you a lot. I feel like it's very annoying.

And then I guess so. And I'm just whatever. And I go, all right. And then the person that was going on, they just didn't want to go later because it's a bad spot. So it's no, I don't, I'm not annoyed by that because they just asked, they don't like, can I bump Joe? They're like, can I go on earlier?

And so the guy took it on himself to be like, sure, I'll just move him. Right. So I get moved. I'm about to go on. I get bumped. It's like an hour and 10 minute bump because they do the auction and the guys I got, the auction is a 10 minutes long and I'm like, no auction is 10 minutes long. The auction is like 45 minutes long.

And then who goes on after the auction? Not me. Martin Short. Wow. The legend. Martin Short is there. I got to follow an auction and Martin Short. Oh my God.

Clifford. Cliff. Wow. Ned Needlender. Unbelievable. So he's a legend. It's exciting. But I'm like, I fuck this guy.

Isn't it funny how that happens? Yeah. That's a quick twist with Chris Rock goes on. What the fuck? I got spots to do. I'm literally like, I'm going to meet Martin Short and then I meet him. He looks like a politician. He's like a suit on.

He's all quaffed and shaved and he's got like a little button. Little. He's pretty little. He's not crazy little. He's like, he's probably your size, but smaller than you, a couple of inches smaller than you. Maybe a veeter. I think he's might be taller than veeter between of me and a veeter.

You and a veeter. Yeah. Yeah. He's like a medium. He's a meter because you're not small. You're a medium. I'm a medium. I'll take medium.

Yeah. I love medium. I'm in the middle. Me. It's great. Malcolm. I'm up until I look like that guy. What?

Frankie Gwynne. He's a big. Oh, I love the Gwynne. He's a big weirdo. He's like a recluse now. He hates acting and he just wants to race cars. Recluse. Recluse?

What are you, Kramer? Recluse. He's a retard. Yeah. Good kid. He's. I'm sipping. He was a Malcolm in the middle.

He was, he was made millions and then just closed up shop. I left my tea bag in too long. It tastes like an asshole. Yeah. I can taste it. Ah, fuck. Anyways, so then I go on at the Martin Short and he goes up and it wasn't that impressive. He was doing a lot of jokes that felt like they were written for him.

He's like, my wife and I, we have three kids, one of each, like jokes like that. Yeah. It was fun. It was kind of funny. My uncle says that. Yeah. He does like a few of those things and it was fine. But I'm just like fuming now because the food hasn't come.

And I, by the way, I just had, sorry, I have stitches in my mouth and shit and I'm getting the reverb thing. So I got bad reverb. I got stitches. I go on at the Martin Short, but I went up and I have to say I really killed it was quite enjoyable. Was it an angry set? You had a little fire.

Yeah. It was angry. Yeah. I was like, could you make this a little more harder for the comedians? We're not getting paid. You got a fucking podium in here. I was like, my head's hitting a screen. There's a picture of Muhammad Ali.

Nothing says comedy, like a picture of Muhammad Ali. And they had just done the, um, the auction and I was like, by the way, I'm going to the French open. I pointed to the guy that won the auction, the bidding and I was like, you got fucking ripped off. I was like, I paid 200 bucks for two tickets and my flight was 500. I was like 18 that and the place was going crazy because they're all these rich people. I was like 18,000.

I was like, I mean, no, I'm not trying to be an asshole. You're a fucking moron. I was like, you just overpaid by $17,000. That was fun. I got some good laughs there. And then I'm setting up a big long joke and the lady drops a table full of, what do you call it? A tray full of drinks.

And I was like, well, that joke's gone now. And someone goes, no, just do it. And I was like, I'm not falling for that, ma'am. No joke. And this is true. No joke has ever worked after somebody said, just do it. No, they're waiting for it. No matter what it is, if it's, if someone dropped something, if it's a race show, whatever,

no matter what the situation, if someone says, no, no, no, no, just do it. Just tell it. It's never worked. Never. It might get a chuckle or a tee, but it's a sympathy. Yes. It's never a real laugh. But they're going to laugh.

So it ended up being really fun. And I made my spot on time and it was cool to meet the Mac and Rose Hot Show, I met Martin Short and the Mac and Rose. That's a lot of fun people. Pretty good tri-fect. And I got the hell out of there, but... Is that Caroline's? Caroline's.

Yeah, yeah. I love Caroline's no disrespect to the Mac and Rose or Caroline's, but throw me a few bucks. I don't get it. It's that angry kill that's a beautiful thing because it's all this, you know, because first of all, it's a couple of things. There's a lot of factors in play. One, it's a stuffy night already and everybody's just going up, trying to kill, play the game,

you know, whatever, handshake, kissing babies. But you're going up there with some real honesty and some juice, which is, it shakes the room up. Yeah. And you don't give a fuck now because you're angry, so you're like, fuck your feelings. I'm just going to be more myself. And that is fun to watch. Yes.

I was actually angry and annoyed. And I felt like the guy, the guy's a good guy, I'm sure, a nice guy that whoever produced it or whatever. He seemed like a nice guy, but he was like, I'm not used to producing comedy. So I'm a little thrown up, but I'm like, yeah, but you are used to producing things and you understand human being. I have another spot to get to. You told me I was going to be on 70 minutes ago.

Yeah. Like it's like, it's not, you can't just keep pleading ignorance here, but you're aware that what you're doing is a bummer. And then he also tried to put Todd in front of me because that's the person who bumped me. That was their spot was after Todd. So I'm like, no, no, no, we didn't switch spots. You just put them on before me.

I'm going on before time to Todd's credit. Todd was like, you should put him up because he was, oh, that's the other thing. They told us they want us there at seven 30. So I just list. I just do what I'm told. I got there at seven 20 because if you're not 10 minutes early or 20 minutes later, you're gay, whatever. Right.

So I got there at seven 20. Everyone else shows up at eight 15 and eight o'clock for an eight o'clock show. Yes. So I was there an hour before everybody. So it's like, I've been here for two hours. So Todd was like, put him up because he's been here since seven 15, which I appreciated. Also, it's like, that should be my spot anyways. Yes.

I didn't switch with the person. You just put them before me. I take the next immediate spot. Yes. Yeah. Man, that is frustrating. But thank God Todd stepped in because I've seen him want to get out early too. Yeah.

But he was very thoughtful. I think he was waiting for that food too. That's a good guy. And he's here, by the way. He is here. Everybody's here. It's a hell of a hell of a cast. Yeah.

If you're listening and you're not from Texas next year, if you're a comedy fan, fly in for Moon Tower. It's amazing. There's so many comics here. I keep seeing Dana Gould. It's weird. There's comics that you've never met. I see Dana Gould.

I'm like, Starstruck. I'm like, look at that. And he's a bean town guy. Oh, that's right. Boy, Boston really got the alumni cooking. Speaking of bean town, go see A Quiet Place. This movie is unbelievable. Is that set in bean town?

No. No. But Krasinski, who I hate, as you know. Why do you hate him? I don't like his face. I don't like that he's a leading man. He's like a goofy beta nerd. And now he's like, I don't like him.

He's like a goofy beta nerd. And now he's like, he's playing a Navy seal and shit. I'm like, get out of here. Everybody tells me I look like him. I don't think you look like it. You're better looking than that guy. I don't think I look like him either. But I get it all the time on the social media.

I'm getting moon yes. And you're getting Krasinski. Moon yes is bad. It's not bad. All right. But anyways, go see that movie. It's amazing. Quiet Place.

Sarah and I went to see it on her birthday. We fucking loved it. And I'm like, I'm a big cunt. I can't wait to see it. You are a big cunt. Gash Trim. It's phenomenal. Anyways, you go.

I'm tired of hearing myself. All right. Well, yeah. I just want to say thanks again for that live. But I can't stress how hot that was. You got to get on that patron. Just a Ron Bennington Christy. Everybody was fully loaded on fire.

Just punch, punch, punch, killer. Get on the page. We also did a queef last night. And we have a pre-show queef right before we went out. Yes. Slightly edited. Yeah. I went too far on a joke.

But yeah. Get on the Patreon folks for real. Ron Bennington Christy one full hour. And we were all on. It was hot. And it was killer. So you're going to want to hear it. And we got more fun stuff.

We got another live show coming up May 7th at the Village Underground soon. Oh, that's going to be a hottie. Yeah. So we'll have two hot new live ones. All the live episodes we've ever done are on there. You're going to want to be proud of it. Three bucks. Yes.

Three bucks. Can't beat it. Oh, this is a thought I just had. Hit me. You know, with all the jokes and the white and that, at some point, you know, we always talk about we go to a meeting in LA and they're like, yeah, we're not looking for white guys right now. Now, couldn't you technically sue for that?

I mean, I know it's like, hey, you're allowed to make fun of white people, but like legally you are a race, you know, and legally you could say, well, that's discrimination. I think you'd have to be fired and lose something because you're not entitled to a TV show. I see. I see. But I don't know. I mean, I don't know. But yeah, Chris was just telling us that he went and pitched a show and they're like,

we need it to be more diverse. You got to get some other people. It was Chris and Yanis. They just tell you that. It's just acceptable to just say that. It's a straight face and a meeting. Yeah, which is it's fascinating. That's it is.

But we're doing great. We're, you know, so I don't want to. But it is. It's just interesting to me that is completely acceptable and frequently happening to all of us. Just go. Yeah. We need diversity.

We don't want. It has to be more diverse. Like you and I, we pitched a show everywhere. Oh, yeah. Nope. I pitched a show. My friend Zoran pitched a show. They kept saying that to everyone.

They're like, we actually reshot it with a bunch of women and black friends and a gay guy. And they still were like a, wow. And that was, I thought about that in the, well, taking a dump the other day. I was like, that's a pretty good idea. The list lists. Yeah. We spent a lot of time on, I mean, a lot of time.

I keep that in the hip anal because that's something. All right. It's up my ass right now. All right. Mark Norman here. Oh boy. RX bar. Big fan.

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Uh, so, did I talk about bananas yet? No, no, I haven't seen you. Oh, buckle up for this. B-N-A-N-A-S. That's the one. Boy, she really flew the Koopa. She was like this rocker girl, then she went all, Gwen. Oh, that's like an old song, though.

Is it? Banana. Yeah, that's like an old, like, cheer. Oh, I didn't know that. Oh, yeah, that's from, like, you know, the 40s. Well, now it's an example of cheers. Yeah, it was like a concentration camp song. Wow.

That's how they order bananas in Auschwitz. They have cheerleaders at a Dachau. Oh, you got to. I guess I got to get the morale high. Say morale. Hi. I want to get him high. That would be unpleasant.

Heil Hitler. All right. So, uh, so we go to bananas. Now, I don't want to say his... Who's we? Well, I don't want to say his name, because I'm about to tell quite a wacky story about him. Oh, okay.

So, I... This kid is a funny comic with some television credits. You know him. We all know him. Great head of hair. And... Television credits opening for you. A couple credit.

I mean, nothing crazy. He's got a couple TVs. Nice hair. I want to figure out who this is. All right. And so... Tan? Who?

Tan? No. Okay. He's pretty pasty. All right, all right. So, we go out and I go, I'm doing bananas. He was like, tell me how he's struggling a little bit. He hates Brooklyn and all this and he can't get a laugh.

So, I'm like, oh, you did this, you did that. I'm open for me. He's like, all right. I was like, you got a car? He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, great. We go to bananas, 30 minutes outside of the city, New Jersey, can't beat it. So, driving there with him, great ride out.

You know, we had traffic, so it actually becomes an hour ride and we have a great chat. I'm like, man, I really like this kid. He's got a good head on his shoulders. This guy gets it. It's always fun to see a younger comic who's got the right ideas. The right stuff. Yes, yes. Like, he's not all weird and annoying.

So, we're driving out there and I'm like, this is great. My host is a nice guy. He does well. And then my guy goes up and he does okay, but he's kind of doing like a little bit of like, I got to find myself up here and who am I and all this. And you're like, these are Jersey MOOC animals. You got to fucking pound these people and punch lines. And so, he gets by, whatever.

So then, the second night is a party of 83. What? Which is like, kind of good because the place is jam-packed. But it's also these, a party of 10 is a struggle. A party of 83 is a nightmare. That's like a wedding. 83 people. Huge.

Jesus. H. It was some corporation, I don't know. So, they're all in there and they're like hooting how they're doing like food fight. You can see them throwing, hey, Jerry's a fan. You know, big fucking hairy and knuckled guys, you know. It was brutal. So, they're in there and I'm like, oh, this is going to be a long night, guys.

Let's just plow through and get through this. The woman who runs bananas was like, she was like, don't fuck with these guys. Just get through this. Which is weird when the manager tells you that. They don't want to kick everyone out. That's what it is. You're like, hey, you hate to be a douche, but you're like, I'm the show. I'm an artist.

Let me do what I want. But I get it. It's a business, too. Yeah, they can't lose 83 people. Exactly. So, the host goes up and this guy is yelling and chatting, but he's like, fuck it. And he just kind of keeps going. And then my opener goes up and he's going into his, you know, fun, loving, free-wheeling

thing and they're already like, what is this going? What's going on here? And he's a funny guy, but you got to like kind of meet him halfway and they're not meeting him. And one guy just goes next. Oh, the worst heckle. The worst heckle all the time. That is the worst heckle.

There's nothing to come back from next. Does he mean next joke or next comedian? Next comedian. That's tough. Because next joke, you're like, all right, all right, I got others. The next comedian is like, geez. Oh, yeah. So he gets to the next and he's like, he does like the dude, what's your problem?

Kind of thing. Not like, let me just hit you back. But you don't want to ask too many follow-ups because then the answer, they might be like, yeah, I don't care for your comedy. You stink and you should quit. Well, all that came. Oh boy. So did I.

Yeah, a lot of the, yeah, you're not good. You suck, whatever. And you know, they're going back and forth. Eventually the comic was like, what, dude, what's your problem? And he's like, dude, I drive a cab all day. I'm just, and he's like, oh, so now he's got something to work with a little bit. And he's like, oh, you got to bet you're bad. You got a bad life.

And what happened to your childhood? He's like, hey, fuck you. I've been divorced three times. And he's like, oh, yeah, I probably look like one of your wives. That's why you're angry. So he's getting him a little bit. Okay, okay. But now it's back and forth.

And now I'm getting pissed because I'm like, what the fuck's going on? These people are just hijacking the show. And now they're all talking about the heckling and no one's even listening really. Right. Get back to work. Bring it to a show. Yes. So I go up to the bouncer guy, whoever his name is, and he's eating a salad in the back.

And I go, dude, you want to shut this guy up or tell him to stop? And he's like, he goes, oh, the comic's provoking him. And I go, what? He did a mouthful of lettuce. Well, the comic's provoking him. What do you want me to do? I'm like, what the hell? So I go, fuck you.

And I go to the lady, the manager, and I go, can you just tell this guy this is a show and maybe calm down? She's like, it's an 83-person party. And I go, well, if you don't do it, I'm going to do it. And she's there walking towards the guy. And she's like, all right, all right, all right, all right. And she just goes up and she's like, guys, could you just, it's a show. Could you just kind of quiet your voice?

And they were like, what? What? Whatever. And she walked away and they went right back to it. And it was brutal. So now this guy in the comic, this MOOC in the comic, going back and forth, back and forth. And eventually the guy goes, how about I come up there and ring your fucking neck? Wow.

Old school. Old school, the most Jersey sentence of all time. Ring your neck. I haven't heard that since my eighth birthday. Exactly. You know, I picture Homer just strangling Bart like that, you know? Yeah. And he was like, what?

Now you're threatening to kill me? And, you know, in New York, that would be like, all right, it was violence. But he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm going to kill you. Wow. By the way, no one could ring your neck that sliced their hand open on that thing. That's true. I got a real razor blade on my Adams. Yeah.

Lose a finger. Yeah. I've cut some turtlenecks open. A ring finger. Aha. So, yeah, so now they're going at it. The lady, the manager lady comes back out and she's like, guys, please, please stop, stop. And like the women around the MOOC are like, Jerry, cool it.

You know? Like trying to calm him down. And it's all these yentas with big hair and crazy earrings and crazy nails. But it was, it was wild. And eventually he, he got off and finished. And then she, the manager came up and she's like, please, please just do your set. Just do your set. I know they always say that.

I'm like, yeah, I know what I'm doing. Yeah, exactly. What do you think I'm doing here? So he comes on and he was beat white. I don't know if that makes sense, but he was white and he was like, he was shook. He was like, what the fuck just happened? Which is kind of good for a comic at a little bit. Yeah.

You eat that every now and then. Yeah. That'll kick you out of your, who am I up there? You know? Right, right, right. Discovery. And so he was shook up and I went up there and I literally just went like, joke, joke, joke.

And I could hear the MOOCs going like, this guy's all right. I hate the other guy. That's always kind of a nice feeling, by the way. It's a little nice, but it's also like I'm a human being. Like they act like you're just like this puppet that's working that they're okay with. How bad is the car ride? Not to jump ahead. How bad is the car ride in comedy when one person bombs and then you kill and then you're

like, I don't know. Oh yeah. Like they're just like that crowd sucks and you're like, I like them. They don't like me. Yeah, that is awkward. And you kind of have to like give them a little like, well, yeah, they were a little dumb, but they're like me. Yeah.

So I had a good set, but it was literally like you couldn't let up off the gas. You know, there was no pausing. There was no like take a sip of water or just boom, boom for 45 minutes. I got that light and I did five more minutes. I got the hell off. Usually I'll do like an hour, but that was the first show. Oh, you still got another show to go. Yeah.

Still got another show. So he was like sitting back there like, and I like went behind. There's no green room there, which is always perfect. Yeah. So we had to hide behind the curtain and I was just like consoling him and he was like, I don't know. And I was like, dude, you know, you're funny. You're a good comic, but you got to have those quick jokes for these instances.

Yeah. It's a real process figuring it all out. It is. And you know, he was eventually like, oh boy. And you could tell he had like a whole like, all right, I got to get myself back up, do a 180 and I got another show to do. And he did another show and he killed. Oh, good.

So there you go. The redemption song. Yes. So yeah, that was bananas, but that's a, that was a tough weekend. That was literally bananas. It was. Well, speaking of tough, fun, weird gigs, I had the, the firehouse gig. Oh, it wasn't even a firehouse though.

It felt like a firehouse, but it was like a benefit for a football team, but it was like in the fire department's bonus side function hall, but it was a Louis J. Gomez joint. Oh, he booked that. Yeah. That was his gig. I thought it was your gig. No, no, he's been doing it for years.

I got mine coming up in Abington, Massachusetts on May 11th. Chris Allen bought a fucking flight to come. What an idiot. This guy is an angel. Wow. I mean, it's pretty wild. So hit me up for details. It's a, we're in a big venue this year.

Abington mass fits for the Holbrook fire department. They kicked us out of the old venue, but I got Chris Allen, like a Brendan Sagalow. I've never even seen his act, but he looks exactly like all the people in the crowd. True. He's a little fatter. He's pale, chubby, redhead. He looks like a fucking fireman. He looks like the guy who didn't pass the test, but still hangs out.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know why Zach. The only thing I've seen him do is yell at a lady in the front row for not doing anal. Oh, right. Right.

So anyways, he's coming. I think he's funny. Well, I hope so. Send me a tape. Funny. Funny. Funny guy. No, I'm kidding.

I have seen him. He's hilarious and I'm joking. Or was I joking the second time? That's for you to decide. Who knows? But no, he's a great guy, funny guy. Funny guy. Book him on your wedding and blow him.

Blow that guy. Yeah. It's probably been a while since he's been blown. Oh, I'm sure he's bloated. I got to imagine. I referenced him in the live show. He had a great line about my mouth. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. You give me this guy a lot of press. Get on the page. Well, I'm a fan. I like him. All right. I like him too. He seems like a good egg and he's shaped like one.

Anyway, we've got Big Al on the show. Alvin and Chris Allen. We got two Air Force guys on the show. Oh, and the black guys easier to understand. And then and then we got Canada rounding it out. So we got a real wild show. This is a wild card. This is a who's who here.

Yeah. It's going to be. I feel like we could fight the replacements. It's the replacements. It's a small budget. Clearly. It's about 30 bucks each. It's another benefit with no money, by the way.

And no Mackin row. No. Kill for Mackin. Right. Be the best comic on there. But thank you, Chris Allen for buying a flight. You fucking weirdo. Now that's a guy that's hungry.

Oh, yeah. Him and Sagalo. He bought a flight to nothing. But anyways. Sorry. We're referencing a bunch of people. No one has any idea who they are. No, they know.

No, they don't. Probably. But anyways. Yeah. Shit. Now I'm rethinking everything I've ever done in my life. No, no. You got the gig.

You're helping firemen out. Yeah, we are. So anyways, I did this gig for Lewis, which is a benefit. I think for a football team or something. But I had to do it. It was four days after surgery. And the gig is Lewis Gomez, Tim Dillon and Mike Feeney. And I just had surgery.

Is there a tougher gang Lewis and Tim to get in a small car with four days after having surgery? Wow. Great guys, but very loud. Yes. A lot of volume, a lot of yelling and very confrontational. Yes. Both guys.

They like to really get after it. So I was a little nervous. And then I got there and Tim Dillon had been replaced by Mike Racine, which is nice. Now I got a nice autistic kid on his phone the whole time. Sure. Much quieter. And he's a listener. He is.

Yes. He had his girlfriend's grandmother was dying or something. So he's on his phone quite a bit. Well, that is a bit of an excuse there. That's pretty good. Oh, good excuse. Yeah. He's a good boyfriend and a great comic.

My God, Mike Racine. It's funny. Funny jokes. So funny. I was dying. I was in the back dying. It's fun when you get that joy of comedy. Yes.

Where's the joy? Yes. Somebody yelled at me at bananas. Oh, wow. Yeah. Well, the joy is in watching Mike Racine do comedy. Yes. Or in the mounds.

What's that you said? Mounds bar. Which I'll enjoy. God. Oh, yeah. Stretch and a half. Yeah. It sucked.

I'm kidding. Of course. I'm back. Boy. I think that's a segalo. I'm just kidding. No. Segalo's killer.

Go see him or something. Oh, geez. I'm just questioning everything I've ever done. So how was the game? I saw you were sitting in a, you know, like a closet. Oh, yeah. I'm going to get to that. All right.

So we get in the car. I go and meet them and I meet them at the Ralph Sutton Studios or Gas Digital. Check out there. Blah, blah, blah. This is the new one or the old one? Old one. Okay. Cause that new one looks like a peach.

Yeah. It's going to be sweet. We're going to hang out and smoke cigars and weed or whatever. But I got to the apartment that the Legion of Skanks gas digital. They always have like nine people hanging out like interns. They just walk by. There's like a pair of tits with blue hair walks by. And then like some fat kid with a weird beard comes by.

And I'm like, who are these people? It's like a coffee shop for junkies. Yeah. We got Shelby. They got like 1100 people working over there. Right. People just swing in on chandeliers and they're like, who the fuck is that? One guy's got a chain wall and jean shorts and an eye patch.

And the other guy's dressed as a clown. Yeah. That's Lewis and Dave. I was like, Amiko. Oh yeah. Amiko. Yeah. He's always dressed like a, like a gay, you know, birthday clown.

Okay. Birthday clown. That's a good side gig for comedy. Okay. We have no one to write things down. Oh yeah. Shelby's little lips aren't here. Gay birthday clown.

I'll write it down. The lady did a, I got her some studio time with Shelby. What? Yeah. Cause she had to do a pod. She's running to do a pod. Your girlfriend? Yeah.

Wow. And she got a murderer. A murderer. Yeah. A guy who's out of jail. They're all about like getting interesting guests. Like they got a murderer. They got a ballerina on one.

They got a rape girl. Wow. Victim. Victim. Thank you. Rap girl is a horrible superhero. It's so. But yeah.

So. Might be a good superhero. Maybe she have your committing a crime. Oh. That would deter me. Yeah. Totally deter. So.

Pater. But you perturbed. Joe Paterno. Joe Pa. Yeah. He's a rapist. Enabler. Enabler.

He didn't rape. Yeah. But he enabled. I'm halfway through the HBO doc. Oh wow. You made it further than me. Movie. It's not great.

It's a rape in itself. That thing. Yeah. Yeah. I'm bleeding out of the asshole. Oh boy. But yeah. I was like.

Yeah. He's like Patrick Ewing over there. Yeah. It's crazy. He's like Jay Z. Jay Z. Aidsy. All of those things.

All right. So you're in the locker room. So I get into the car. We get in the car and Fina. He's a sweet kid. Sweet chap. Sweet handsome cute little boy. He looks a little bit like Malini.

I told him that once. Yeah. Less funny. So we get in the car and it's me and Racine and Louis. And then Louis. You know, sometimes he can be big and big. And then Louis. And then Louis.

And then Louis. And then Louis. And then Louis. And then Louis. You know, sometimes he can be big and boisterous. But he's smoking that weed. So he was very calm and cool and collected, which was nice. Because I had a big faceache.

Then we hit traffic. We're trying to go into the across the Holland Tunnel. We hit traffic. Louis wants to smoke weed. Fina doesn't want him smoking weed in the car. Why not? It's a big argument. Because you know, it smells like weed.

It's a crime. It's his car. Yeah. He's driving. It's his car. Oh, I see. Sorry. OK.

So he's like, please don't do that. And Louis is like, oh no. They fight. Oh, God. Louis is always going to shake it up, doesn't he? He likes to shake it up. But boy, he was making me laugh. He is such a funny guy.

He's got a bit that I laugh so fucking hard. Yeah. He's hilarious. Out loud. We'll get into that in a moment. But we're in traffic. Of course, the traffic starts moving immediately. Of course.

And it's a tunnel. So if we get in the tunnel, he's just gone. Like we can't do the gig without him. Right. He's our directions. He's the gig. He's the guy. So we get in it.

Finally, he has to like jog to catch up to us. And we're just sitting in traffic. And there's cops everywhere. There's cameras. And it's like, this is Friday fucking hauling tunnel traffic. There's a thousand people. So you just see this big Puerto Rican with like just blooms of smoke billowing off of them.

And he's walking up the side. He's on the phone. He's always on the phone. He's a real mover in a shake of that. Yeah. And there's just smoke coming off. Everyone's looking at him. And they just jumps back into our car.

And he does the classic smoke outside move where you jump back in the car and then just exhale the smoke in the car. So Feeny's upset. It's a whole situation. Good for Feeny for standing up for his car, though. Yeah, I guess so. But I was laughing my ass off. It was a funny team.

They should have like a show. Feeny and Gomez diversity. Oh yeah. Feeny Gomez. Sounds like a bad attorney. We get out there and it's packed, packed show. And I love these gigs. This is what I came up doing.

I was always doing VFW's KFC and KFC. The bowl? Which one's which? KFC. Tucky fried chicken. Okay. That's KFC. KFC.

Knights of Columbus. Knights of Columbus. Yes. Thank you. I've done a few of those. Yeah. We're going to the firehouse. We get to the gig and it's classic.

It's exactly two weeks to the day that I did the tonight show. I'm in a closet in a function hall sitting on a fold out chair and like eating free mac and cheese that's been sitting outside. And I'm like, this is real comedy right here. That's great. And then at one point it's me, Racine and Lewis and Feeny in the closet. And some guy opens the little, it's like one of those like accordion style dividers. Of course.

He's like, Hey, are you guys the caterers? And Racine immediately goes, yeah. And he goes, can we get a little more mac and cheese and more plates? And Lewis is like, yeah, yeah, we're thinking a quick break. We'll be right out. And the guy's like, great. And then he closes the little accordion. I can see him standing there just waiting.

I love it. And this poor guy thinks he just talked to the caterers. And then like for like, you know, a half hour, we never come out. So he's probably like, this fucking company sucks. And then he has to watch us one at a time come out as comics. He must have just been sinking like, I'm such an asshole. Right. I thought these were the caterers, but it was such perfect comedy timing for Racine to

be like, Oh yeah, where the caterers. I love it. And then Lewis, yes, and he's like, I'll be right out. We're taking a quick break. But there was no consequence. No, he never yelled at you or anything. No, no. I mean, what's he going to do?

That's great. So that was pretty fun. And then the show was killer. Everybody killed. Racine is killer. Lewis had me rolling. He's got a great trans joke that I don't want to give away, but it's really. What is the function?

What is the show? I think it was for a football team. He knows. Lewis just knows people. He's like the mayor of America, that guy. Well, he's grew up in that area. No, no, this isn't PA. It's like a Westchester, Pennsylvania.

How about that? All right, Lou. Yeah. So it was a great. It paid really well. Cash. And we had a great time on the way back. A lot of laughs.

And Racine, though, how about this? This guy is such a good committed boyfriend. He goes on stage. And I was kind of busting his balls for being on his phone a bunch. And I'm joking, you know, he came off stage. I'm in the little closet around the corner. I can hear the room when he came off stage. He was on the phone.

I thought he was doing a bit like he was like, good night. And then came off and just made a phone call. I was like, are you joking? He's like, no, no, my girlfriend called twice. I was like, wow, what a good committed man this is. Damn, I think he's a little hot water with her. Oh, maybe that's what it's going on. But by the way, hot water.

Isn't that a good thing? I love hot water. I steam every day. I take a hot shower. I'm in there for a month. Hot tub. Hot tea. That's all I drink.

There you go. Should be cold water. I'm in cold water. Nobody wants to be in cold water. Cold water sucks. Cold water is the word. You get a wetsuit. I'm out here in cold water.

Just saying. Good point. Well, it turns out how hot the water is though. Boiling, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Good point. Susan Boyle. She's hot.

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And then how about this? Take it to be in cold water. I had to come back and you're not going to live. You're not into the dental shit. Tune out now or come back or call in whatever it is. I go to, I have to come back to the doctor. My sutures fell out the day before because I don't use sutures in there. They all come out suture.

What's that now? That's like a little pad that they fucking stick or so on to your mouth. It's like a stitch, but it's not a stitch. Like a maxi? Like a stitch they sew you a suture. I don't know if they glue it on there or stick it on there or what, but it's like it just is in there. But they're supposed to dissolve, but I'm like brushing my teeth. I spit in like this huge, big, bloody foams and comes out of my mouth.

Whoa, like a Tampa. But then I got to go for my follow up and I'm nervous because it feels real funky and there's a hole and I'm looking at it. I should never look. I'm looking. It's all black. I'm like, it's black. It feels weird.

I'm dying. I know it. And then I'm just, I lose a whole day of my life. I'm just stressed out. I'm fucked up. I'm like, oh, I'm going to die. Job removed the whole thing. What's left of my job?

And I go there and I talk to the little lady, the assistant and I'm like, I'm really nervous. It's all black. It's crazy. She's like, let me see. She looks and she's like, no, that's not black. It's normal. You look great. And immediately my whole, I lost a day and a half of my life.

She looks at it for one second. She's like, no, that's normal. That looks great. Wow. I wanted to hug this woman and kiss her on her big lips. Wow. You see, you're making problems that don't exist. That's what I do.

It's all anticipatory. Yes. But then the doctor comes in, Dr. Ostuni, great surgeon. Highly recommend. He comes in. He's like, let me look in there. He looks. He goes, it looks normal.

He goes, we got a couple of stitches left in there. I got to take them out. And so I'm like, oh my God. He goes in there with the popsicle stick and tweezers and scissors and literally pulls the stitch out and you can feel the string moving through your mouth. It's the most unpleasant thing I've ever felt. I almost threw up. He's like, are you all right?

I'm like, I'm fine. I think there was two stitches, but they were sewn up and he had to cut them. And he was like, oh boy, the world is made for right-handed people. I'm left-handed. I'm like, don't tell me this while you're in my mouth. Right, right. And he's pulling them out. It was really unpleasant.

I turned all pale. But I got through it. All right. I always get through. And here's what I forget. I underestimate myself. Like he was taking the IV and he's like, how are you taking blood? I'm going to put a needle in your arm.

And I was like, oh, not good. I hate it. What are you doing? What do you do? And I was like, what do you mean? He's like, well, do you faint? Do you jump out of the chair? Like what's going to, are you going to move?

And I was like, oh no, I just don't like it. So then he did the thing. Nobody likes it. He put the IV in. He's like, that was amazing. He's like, that was, you're literally an ideal patient. He's like, that was perfect. And I was like, oh, I'm sorry.

He's like, I was like, what do you mean? I guess that happens. People literally faint or they'll jump out of the chair or they'll punch. You have to like sedate them. Yeah. And at the same time, I'm telling people, oh, I don't like blood. I can't do it. I'm fine.

I'm like the ideal patient. It's all anticipatory. Right. I get the same thing. He's just sitting there like, ugh. You know what's the worst when the doctor goes, this is going to hurt a little. Yes. You're like, oh God.

He's just picturing yourself. Like it's so much pain, but it's always just a prick and you're fine. But it was nothing. Yeah. He's a prick. But we can do it. We can, we just have to believe in ourselves. We'll get through anything.

That's what therapy keeps telling me. Just believe and understand that you can be on top of all your problems. You can handle whatever happens. And accept it. That's all about acceptance. Just go, yeah, it's going to hurt. All right. For like a second.

It doesn't even hurt. It hurts less than if I'm playing soccer. I've never played soccer in my life, but if you're playing tennis, you get hit with the racket or whatever the fuck. That hurts more. Sure. Those are bad examples, but you know. Well, you're going to play tennis soon.

Yeah. Today. Uh-huh. Mac and row. But it is about the anticipation, but you're wasting your calories and thoughts and time thinking about something that's going to happen anyway. It doesn't worry. It doesn't help.

Worry does not help anything. And I also get that stupid, stupid thing where I'm like doing a cone in and I'm like, oh God, oh God. Then I go, ah, you'll be fine. You've done this a bunch of times. You know the jokes. They work. But then I go, well, maybe I'm not putting enough thought into it.

Maybe I should be worrying more than I feel guilty about not worrying. Yeah. Even when we're not worrying, we're thinking about worrying. Exactly. It's so bizarre. It's bizarre. What is it? Is that a low self-esteem?

Is that gay? What is that? I don't know. Learn behavior, I guess, or worry. But my therapist say, he's like, think about the Bruins. It's more important things. Yeah. The Bruins are doing well.

And the Red Sox, at the moment of recording this, the Red Sox is 16 and 2. Unbelievable. It's an exciting time. But anyways, I had my stitches taken out. Did the gig. Thank you, Lewis. Hot gig. Check out the podcast.

All that shit. And here we are in Moontower. Unbelievable. Can't complain. Pod was killer. Show was killer. What do you got? Two tonight?

Yeah. I got three tonight. Oh, shit. So I got three. That's pretty good. Three more spots tonight. And then tomorrow night, Saturday night, I just have one late one. I'm going to go watch Ryan Hamilton, I think.

I'll watch the Bruins. And then I'll watch Hamilton. Let me ask you this. Please. So I, you know, I did an hour special two years back, whatever, not trying to do another one or anything for a while. But I had a wacky idea and you're, I feel like you'll give me an honest assess. All right.

And I want to hear it. Oh, boy. Because I, it could be painful, but I'd like to hear your thoughts. Oh, geez. All right. Is this a bad idea? No, hit me. I mean, I don't know what you're going to ask me.

I'm going to ask you a couple of times. You build up and then it's nothing. It really bothers me. Well, hey, anticipation. You'll text me and be like, can we talk? And I'm like, what the fuck is this? Oh my God. You have AIDS.

You fucked my cousin. My aunt's dead. And then you call and you're like, Hey, do you want to get lunch? I'm like, Jesus, what is this? It's a lesson on, Hey, you shouldn't worry. All right. Well, I worry. All right.

So I live in the Greenwich Village and there's three jazz clubs within like three blocks of my house. Vanguard. Smalls. Oh yeah. And Mesero. What about the one across the blue note too? I talked to the guy at Smalls.

He's like, blue notes for homos. That's like a, that's like the hack. Oh, it's like, ha. It's ha. Wow. Okay. Isn't that funny? It's like the Broadway.

Interesting. Or I shouldn't name a club that exists. But you know, But he's saying that because he wants your club. You're always going to question intentions. Yeah. But he worked there and I told him I was a comic. I think he got it.

Okay. All right. All right. He's like the tourist trap. He's like, that's Bubba Gump. Right. Interesting. Which is fascinating because I would have never known that.

You know, you just assume, oh, that's the one. But so I go into these clubs and I walk by them every night. Like I do 17 sets. I come home at midnight and I walk by these clubs and I hear that, that jazz coming out of that little doorway. Yeah. Muffled jazz. There's a little light there and it's jazz is very, uh, it's humble and underground.

You know, it's like comedy in that way where it's intimate and like no one really respects it that much. A lot of heroin. Except for the people that do. Exactly. So I go, fuck it. I've always been curious by these places. So I just go down.

I go down to the Village Vanguard, which I've never done. Been there forever. Old staple New York and it's beautiful. It's tight and small ceiling and the jazz is kicking. Every seat's all sold out. You never hear about any of this shit. You never see it on the putt, the paper, the news. It's just sold out.

Killer. And these guys just rocking the big stand up base of the trumpet. It was beautiful. I love it. I love it. It was great. It reminds me of stand up. And I talked to the guy.

I was like, would you ever do a stand up show here? Like I had like a comedy central HBO special and they were like, yeah, maybe, but they're so like protective of their jazz. Right, right. So then I went to Smalls, which is on 10th street, which is literally a block from my house and that one was even cooler and that was sold out. Yeah. And then he's turned people away.

Sorry, sorry. And it's just this beautiful vibe in there. And then I went to the other one and that was cool. So I thought, these rooms are better for comedy than comedy clubs. Really? Yeah. Like this is a better room than like the underground. Well, the Village Underground was like music venue.

That's true. That was music. This is jazz only. Right. So I look at these rooms and I was like, man, these are so pretty. So I thought maybe I'd do a hour special, do an hour at each one and then you could cut it up. Not doing like the Chris Rock, here I am at this place.

Here I am in Johannesburg. But just like you cut it up throughout and it kind of shows you're like running around your neighborhood and I could come out of my own real house and right, right. Could be something. That's not bad. All right. It's not bad. I like it.

I like it. I do like it. Ideas. Notes. Uh-huh. Jazz notes. Jazz notes. Jazz hands.

Yeah. Maybe afterwards you can trombone a lady. Sure. Include that. I'm down. You can put your saxophone on her tits. I like it. I just don't like it.

I'd rather you just do a jazz club. Not three. Yeah. I just don't like when it gets too like, people are trying to do things so different. It takes away from the content I feel. Right here on that. You know what I mean? I just like it.

This is the show. This is the show. We're not changing it. Oh, I just smashed my head on the wall. But do you see Judah's special? No. Okay. Well, he does the cellar, the underground, the stand and you don't even, you don't even

notice it. Really? But it also adds kind of a thing. All right. All right. I didn't like rock's thing because it, but to me, what happens is it takes away from the idea that this is our performance and makes it seem like, oh, he's just doing the same thing.

I know everyone knows that, but it's nice to have the illusion of just I came and I did the show. This is my show. Yeah. This is what the show looks like. And I totally agree. But my, my intention is to do like the, I'm doing a bunch of sets in a night kind of thing. Right.

Right. Which is what we do. Yes. So there is some reality there. It's not bad. It's something, but these clubs you got to see, they're so pretty and special and there's a, there's a feeling in there as an energy. What if you did your next three hours one at each jazz club?

Yeah, that's not bad. That's a, it's a long term plan. It's a lot of hours. Yeah. Yeah. It's three of them. All right. I don't know if that might have been way too inside and no one gives a fuck about that.

That's not inside. It's interesting. All right. I had to run it by people. I'm sure we'll get a lot of people writing in and someone will hate me and someone will hate my mother. Well, that's a given. I don't know about my mother, but you get it.

Uh-huh. I like the idea. I like that it's, it's cooking and thinking cause I'm, I'm starting to think that too. I'm like, I gotta have to do an hour somewhere. Yeah. I thought about even getting a hurry to direct. Hmm. I don't know why.

Yeah. He wanted to direct my old one cause the guy I had in mind got kicked out of the business but then I ended up doing the Netflix half. So, but directing a special is nice and easy. I feel like you don't have to do much. Yeah. It just be nice to have a guy you know around who you can tell no and yes to and you trust. Yeah.

Yeah. And he's all about the, the content. Yeah. Especially if it's about a one-armed fat chick or whatever. Yeah. Sometimes Ari though, he gets, he's like, this is the right, this is the thing and you want to be like, well, why? Right.

But he actually is good about being like, yeah, maybe you're right. Yes. It's a great quality of Ari. Uh-huh. You can say this and this and he'll go, that's a good point. You're right. Right. Ari Shafir we're talking about.

I'm worried that new fans like who, who's Ian Lara? No, they know what we're explaining. Okay. These comics on the show and they should look up. It gives you someone to look up. Uh-huh. Go check out Ian. Go check out, uh, well you can skip some of the people we mentioned, but check out Racine

and Lewis. Yes. Funny, funny guys. I'm getting, I'm just, Phiney's going to listen. I love Phiney too. Everyone's great. Watch everybody. Go see every fucking comic and suck your own dick.

Phiney, mediocre Malaney, we call it. Oh my God. I got that out. All right. Jesus Christ. Shelby. George St. Cut It. Uh, I think I might have one other little gem in here or maybe that was it actually.

Maybe with a gem or a pearl. Um, but we should talk about, we should, I want to talk about last night too and how fun that was. So we flew in its moon tower and we'll have more to come next week on moon tower. I get to the airport. By the way, I had this. This is a very Normandy move. I wake up in the morning.

I always wake up early. I'm compulsively early for the, my flights. I'm hanging with Sarah and you ever had this where you just wake up and then I'm just laying in bed. I'm like, I'm up so early. I'm just snuggling and kissing and touching her nips and the whole thing. And then I look at the phone. I thought I was flying on a LaGuardia.

I always fly LaGuardia. It's JFK. So I'm like, fuck me in the ass twice hard. That's a longer ride. Much longer. It's about a 25 minutes further. Uh-huh. Luckily I'm crazy early.

So I get a lift and the lift says seven minutes away. So now I'm kind of sweating it a little bit, but then what's nice is with ways, as soon as you get in the car, it's like you're getting there at 829, which really helps. Hmm. It's a 915 flight, but it helps because you don't have to be like this. Oh my God. I'm in traffic now. Yeah.

Okay. It's speeding up now. If you just pick up, you can actually see like, okay, I'm good. We're getting there at 829. I get there. I see your agent, Hillary. Yeah. I see our friend, Janelle Draper, who's a listener, comic, wonderful gal.

Draper. Thanks for listening. Appreciate it. Does the carpet match the Draper? Oh, that's fun. All right. We get on and we're like the last people on the flight and Janelle bought me a coffee and a croissant, which I appreciate it.

Jesus Christ. Who is this girl? Appreciate it. Put it on our account. Expense accounts are nice. Oh, expense account. Yeah. Pretty good.

So we get on the plane and then as soon as we get on the plane, I see Maureen Tarran, my old manager who I love, works at TruTV now. I see Mike Bribiglia, who I don't know at all. Then I see Soder and then in my row, Ryan Hamilton, check out his special smiley face. I believe it's called. We're in the same row. And then Soder got stuck with a middle seat. So me and Hamilton's got the window.

I'm on the aisle and Soder's in the middle. So we got a little triangle going, which was fun. And then. Triangle. Yeah. And then Hillary walks by, Janelle walks by and then it turned out Yamaniko was on the flight. Lisa Traeger was on the flight.

Star studded. Yeah. It was quite a flight. And the whole time of praying, it doesn't crash because I don't want to die with other comics. I want a full tribute. Yes. I want my day, baby.

Right. You want to be like, this is a veterinarian, a gymnast and a comedian. Yeah. But Biglia is going to take all the fucking excitement. That's true. God damn. But we didn't crash. We landed.

Then we're all in the van together. We get over here. We bump into Chris D immediately. We all went to Magnolia, Soder, Big J, Christine, Black Lou from Sirius. Oh, look, Black Lou. Sam Jay, also Black, that's not her nickname. And then Hamilton, we went to Magnolia Cafe and then the waiter, it was a comic. He's like, hey, I'm in the festival too, which I felt bad for him because you're like, great.

Can I get another Coke? Yeah. Yeah. Keep the fries coming, Dick. But good guy. We had the queso, which I love, not queso. Uh-huh. I had some queso.

It was delicious. Then we walked and we walked all the way back. South Congress, me, Hamilton and Chris D. We stopped it for coffee and these festivals are amazing. We're walking around in the sun all day and you and I are about to go play tennis. What a fest. Thanks again for coming out to the live one. Get on the fucking Patreon.

Suck that Patreon, Dick. I can't pump it enough. I mean, it was so good. It was pound for pound. Wall to wall laughs. Killer. I mean, the audience was hot. Thanks everybody for who came out and for the cards.

And Bennington was on fire, Chris D was on fire. We were cooking. It just all came together. It was the tightest hour of comedy ever. I wish we could have gone longer. You say cucking? Cucking? Something you said cucking.

What part? You said, I think you meant to say cooking. You said we were cucking. Oh, geez. Freudian anal. Yeah. Well, fuck my wife, please. It's no cuck for me.

I mean, I'll fuck your girl. I'll watch. Patreon. Any budget on the Patreon or breasts, naked? Oh, yeah. I really feel like we could be rich. We'll give her a cut. She's going to want to cut.

Yeah, we'll give her a cut. All right. I'll give her a thick cut. I'm just kidding. Does she hate me? No. It makes me nervous. All right.

We've got to plug some dates, too. What do I get coming up? May 7th, Village Underground, get your tickets if you're in the tri-state area for God's sakes. We've got to sell that out. Yeah. And then I'm coming back. Side-splitters Tampa.

You know about it already. May 3rd through the 6th. I'll have some stories of the live one from there. I'm sure. Bobby Jewel. Winnipeg. I'm coming back to Winnipeg. If you're hearing this, I hate these gigs you go and do.

And then right afterwards, people are like, when are you coming to Winnipeg? I know. Spread the word. Spread your legs. Spread your tits. You have a playoff run. The Bruins. It might be the Bruins Jets final.

Let's go hang out. We'll talk hockey. There you go. Winnipeg. Rumors. And then I just added Fort Collins the week, the Wednesday before Denver Comedy Works. I'm doing that, too. Yeah, yeah.

He said that. That's what I was like, all right. If Mark's in, I'll guess I'll do it. Yeah. Wednesday, Fort Collins, some theater. Google me. Email me for tickets. Tweet at me.

I'll have the ticket link up. And then let's sell out Denver Comedy Works for God's sakes. One of the shows. Come to the Friday Early Show. Yes. Please. All the Tuesdays, Friday Early. We'll go a little further away from Denver.

Come to Fort Collins. Let's sell some tickets there. I'm so excited to go to Denver Comedy Works. I'm wearing a Denver Comedy Works shirt right now. Actually, I changed it. I was wearing it yesterday. I saw it. I got a test.

Thank you. Vouch. And so come out to that. Denver Comedy Works in June. Winnipeg. And tell them your things. Oh, this week I'm at Baltimore Magoobies, folks. That should be fun.

Then I'm at Acme in Minneapolis. First time there. Very excited. Come on out. That's huge. We should hopefully hit some bonuses on that. The Dragon's Den on the 11th of May. Wow.

Come on out, hometown hero. Funny Bone Dayton. Then Denver. Also at the Fort Collins and the Denver Comedy Works. And then I'm at Clusterfest in San Francisco. Oh, festivals are fun. Oh, the best. And I'm at Wise Guys in Utah.

Love that room. Levity Live. Westniac, New York. Then Draft House in D.C., which I heard you did and enjoyed. Then I got on it. I love it. I love that room. Cool.

Such a cool room. Little black box. I love a black box. And the Tuesdays are rampant in D.C. Beautiful. Chocolate Cité. Tell a friend. August 17th, One-Eyed Jacks again in New Orleans.

Long Island Cinema. I'm doing that cinema theater in Long Island. Oh, that's fun. That's when the guy, spit on the guy in the bottom. Huntington. Yeah. Then I'm at Side Splitters in September and Gotham Comedy Club, Zany Chicago. So you know it.

You love it. Suck my asshole and tell your aunt I fucked her daughter and we will see you in hell. Praise Allah. Listen to Laughable, yell at Chipotle. They should be blowing us. And we can't tell you how much. We love your tits. Yes.

Thank you. Thank you for the tits and the taints. We love it. Yes. Gay birthday clown. And the Chipotle. It really touches our hearts and licks our assholes. Thank you.

Yeah. Nothing better than a nice rim job. Trim, gash, and skirts. George is saying cut it. George is saying cut it.