Tuesdays with Stories! - #243 Cain & Anal

Episode Date: May 1, 2018

It's a hot Tuesday, as Mark & Joe are back from the Moontower Comedy Festival in Austin, TX to recap their big live pod, Chris Distefano's frequent dick pics and Mark's new Alexa that won't shut up. Check it out! We're doing a LIVE pod with special guests at the Village Underground in NYC on May 7th! Reserve tickets here: www.comedycellar.com/ Subscribe to our Patreon to hear the LIVE ep from Moontower with CHRIS DISTEFANO & RON BENNINGTON! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download Go on iTunes and give the pod a #5StarLunch review!

This is a Stand Up New York Labs production, providing you podcasts since 2013. Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard.

And then the duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe Less. Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody.

Yeah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. Yeah! Good golly, Miss Molly. Praise Allah. Here will be thy name. To each his own, the Kingdom Kung. Major League Baseball, folks.

We're here. Tuesdays on the prowl. Where's my apartment? West Village. Joe brought some cookies over. What a guy. Very expensive cookies, I might add. Well, this neighborhood has really changed.

Used to be all apple orchards. Yeah, I don't know how you live here. I mean, you go to buy a beer. I mean, I haven't bought a beer since 1991. But like a six pack. I remember being at like a party in the meat packing. Woo! It wasn't right before I knew you.

I was hanging out with Brook Van Poplen. Soda was there. Sarah was there. We knew each other. I mean, we knew each other. And then, yeah, isn't it weird? You know, life is just, you know, it's weird. Now, did you see her then and go, hey, she's a doll?

Yeah, which is, which we've talked about before. Like, you know, they say, you know, all these websites and Tinder or whatever, Grindr and this stuff. I'm on both. They say like, oh, you're just swiping and the same. But that's how it used to be. You wanted to fuck somebody. Yes.

So then you started talking about it. This has been pointed out before. Sure. But match.com and all those, those are actually negative because you're like, let me make sure we like all the same bands, all the same movies, all the same religions. Right.

That's actually not how you're supposed to do it. I see. Like, and so the Tinder, the swipe thing, that's closer to the old days. Right. I like to see that face sucking by Dick. I'm going to try to talk to her. There you go.

I think you're completely right. Yeah. It just cuts down a lot of the time and a lot of the rejection is easier. That's really what it comes down to. It's not, I don't have to, I don't have to, you know, get rejected. Buy a drink.

No. Tell me your fucking dick. There was a lot of that back then. Don't fumble. Use bumble. Is that something? Maybe? Maybe.

Yeah. All right. I saw your face immediately. It looked not good. Oh, shit. I should have hid behind the pillow. But yeah, that's funny because I don't know. I had a gal for 12 years we dated.

A slave. Thank you. She was. And a lot of whipping. But she, I went to my sophomore prom or sophomore dance. High school? High school. And I was in my friend Ron's car.

At a real, we called them rice rockets. Oh, a rice rocket. Asian, I imagine. Yes. He had the gook too with all the term. This is, you know, it was the 40s. It was a different time. Q-do-ba.

And so we're out there and he had a hot date. Uh-huh. And I was sitting in the back. I was the John Crier character. You know, I had the goofy bow tie. I was like a pink ruffles. Yeah. I was that guy.

I had no date. And so he picks up a friend, Carrie. And he had a date, Megan. And that was my gal of 12 years. But he went on a date with her. So I'm in the back with those two. And Ron's up in the front with his date. And I was talking to them.

And my friend Carrie was on a date. So he was just bone dry. He couldn't say a word. Yeah. And I was fucking with the girl. You bird-dogged him. A bird-dog. Yeah, you're a bird-dogger.

But she didn't, you know, there was no, it's so much easier to talk to a girl when you have no chance. You're on a date with him. Right. So I could just chat it up and yuck it up and be gay. And she was into it. I've always felt that way when you meet a lesbian or a married person.

I'm killing. Killing. Yeah. Once someone's like, I'm single and then the person is single. I'm like, I sound like, you know, Jay Fox on a windy day. Same. Exactly.

Yeah. You're shaking like a leaf on a fig. A fig leaf. Yes. Fag leaf. But yeah. There's so many married women. I'm just like, I think I could fuck this woman right in

the asshole, right in public on a bus. Completely. So I'm chatting with her and she's like, this guy's fun and charming and confident. I bet that guy hated you, by the way. He hated me and he had a black eye at the time because he got into a fist fight the week before. He had a black guy?

He had a black eye. Oh, I thought it was another slave reference. Ah, yes. No, no, no. This was not. This was a car, not the underground railroad. Okay. Cincinnati.

We go to the dance and he's just like, Megan, can I get you a Coca-Cola? And I'm coming over. Hey, sugar tits. What's cooking in the fuck face? Yeah. Let me see that ass. Woo.

I'm sure that you were bird dogging at the time that this was going well. You're just being you. It was just being me. There was no flirty because I was, you know, trying to be a good guy. I'm just like, hey, you're another person in the group. You know, I'm drunk.

I'm half in the bag. Right. I bet every time you went to the bathroom, he was like, he lost his dick in the war. He's gay. His father hit me. His mother's, you know. Maybe.

But then, you know, you'd see her later at parties and I'm like, hey, how's it going with Carrie? And she's like, oh, we, you know, we had a falling out. And I'm like, oh, and then I would freeze. It's funny how that worked. But then later we met at a party and got hammered and made out interesting. So there you go.

That's the tale of two cities. Yes. The best of times and the worst of times. You ever read that book? I started it. Did you get any further than the sentence I just said? Didn't know there was more to it. That was it.

Yeah. No, I never read any classic. I guess I like catching the rye, which I read in loved. Yeah. Fahrenheit 41 I read. I don't retain any of it. I don't really know anything about. It goes right out.

It's hard to remember. That's why movies I've watched 150 times. Catching the rye. I remember like the, the, when they did the kind of the meaning of catcher in the rye with the cliff. I remember that and he was kind of, he was funny and something. Yeah. But how do you retain a book for 20 years ago?

It was words. Well, you retain rye. Rye. Catcher. That's all I retain though. I'm like, that's what I'm saying. I retain very little holding coffee. But that's part of the zeitgeist.

Like you just know his name. I don't, I wouldn't remember. I remember reading a separate piece. I think there was a tree and a brain injury or something. I think the guy was in the war. Maybe he's a soldier. Was he? I thought they were teenagers.

I thought they were like 11 years old. He fell out of a tree and hurt his head. Some of the fence. Fence? Wasn't a tree? Maybe it was a tree over a fence. Maybe it was a tree that cut down and turned into a fence. I don't remember.

I'm on the fence on that one. Yeah. Hidden fences. What about, that's a great book. Yeah. Was that a book? That's what my ex wanted though, was a white picket fence. That's why we broke up.

What's with the fence and the fantasy? I never understand the fence. Who gives a shit about the fence? What about a gate? I mean, most fences have a gate throughout the house. I'm just saying, could it be a wall? Again, that's what I mean. I'm like, who fantasizes about that?

A car is something, but the fence, who gives a shit? Well, the fence symbolizes you're in a home. I guess. I thought the home symbolized that. Why would you say a home or a roof, a wall, a door? Well, it is because the fence makes you not sound greedy. Because if you just throw the fence out there, it's like saying, hey, I want a bumper.

I guess, but the fence sounds country. I'm like, I don't want anyone in my yard. Stay away. That's a good point. I think this is something like one of these Harvard and SJW people that read that subtle racism, that the fantasy is a fence. What does a fence do? It keeps people out.

Who does it keep out? The minorities. Well, you can be a minority with a fence. I've seen a lot of minority families have fences. But they're hidden fences. Aha. I didn't see the film, but I think that's something. Is that a film?

Hidden fences. That was the big one, right? Denzel? I think that's the one where he's hitting the baseball bat and he's old. Yeah, I guess so. Something. I didn't see that.

No, no, it's hidden figures. Hidden figures. Something else, fences. Oh, because I'm doing the Jordan Temple. Yes. Jordan Temple combined the two. Swinging for the fences. Hidden figures is the thing.

That might just be fences. Hidden figures is the girl cool runnings. Sort of. Wow. And they like send a guy to a moon. Those guys came in last in a race. No pun intended. One had an egg and they carried the bobsled.

Egg. Hey, the kid had an egg, Dougie Doug. He had an egg in his tights that he would kiss. I really liked Dougie Doug. And then it was Dougie Fresh. That was something else, right? That was a different black. But they're both Doug E.

Yes. And that was a Doug with an E period, right? It wasn't Dougie. That's a Doug. Yeah, it was Doug. Doug space, E period, space, fresh, and or. Then you could do the Dougie. Oh, yeah.

Later on. Okay, yeah. Later on. Very simple dance move, but it really caught on. Which one was the Dougie? That was the kind of Dougie. Show me how to Dougie. That was the kind of wave the arms?

Was that that one? It was actually kind of like a line dance, but for brown people. What's this one here that I'm doing? That thing. Wasn't that a name? That was somebody's name. That's the Michael J. Fox. No, no, no.

That was that when you had your arms down, you kind of flailed. I remember Johnnigan doing it in front of a sign. I thought that was the Dougie. Maybe, but the Dougie had steps as well. Like AA. Yes. 12. They had more than 12.

12 years of slaves, 12 steps. There's something there. 12 inches in a foot. Yes. 12 dicks in my butt on Christmas. Oh, yeah. The 12 nights. 12 days as well.

Anyways, I don't understand the fence fantasy and I hope she gets a fence, but by the way, she moves to Manhattan if she wants a fence, she's talking up the wrong tree. She moved to Manhattan because she's like, every girl has to live in New York. Oh, right. One of those things. And now she's in, you know, in the fucking East River. Oh boy. She died.

Oh, but. To me. Now she's getting married. Wow. How does that feel? Well, it's all the steps of life. It's the 12 steps. You know, you grow, you progress, you go gay, and you die of AIDS.

Wow. That's interesting. My ex-girlfriend, my first girlfriend, has like children. She's like a mom. It's very bizarre to me. Is that right? Like a bunch of children. Well, I think three.

And they're like. How many years? Zero. Oh, all right. Nothing. I just came on her back a bunch. Yeah. A little pool.

Just kidding. Just kidding. Oh yeah. But anyways, it's very, it's very strange. You're like, you're so distant from the person. Like this person I love. I was like, I'm going to spend the rest of my life with this person. And then you barely even recognize them.

It's the strange thing about life. Yeah. And they have kids. You're like, oh, wow. I have no feelings whatsoever. Yeah. You know, my ex, 12 years dated, high school, college, the whole thing. Our parents never met, which I almost am impressed by with myself.

Interesting. And they're from the same city. Same city. 10, 20 minute car ride. Never met. That's an interesting thing. My wife's parents, they'll probably never see my parents again. We had the wedding the week.

But then it's like, my parents aren't going to Texas. No. They don't like, my mother doesn't like the heat. It's far. It's expensive. What are they going to do in Texas? Moontower. My dad keeps submitting.

He can't get in. He's a white male. We should talk about Moontower, I guess, a little bit. Oh, boy. One for the bud. I'd say it's Montreal, Moontower, and the rest are way behind. Great festival. I mean, what are the other great comedy facts?

I can't even think. I haven't gotten into any. There's like Bridgetown in Portland. And then there's the Great American Nebraska. We did that one. That's something that's a little weird. It's a weird one because it's in the middle of hell. And you got to take a bus and a flight.

And like Rick Shaw. Rick Shaw won it one year. Ridiculous. I liked it. Boston is more of a contest. I love Boston. It's my time. It's more of a contest.

I mean, we got to be honest with that one. It's not so much a festival as it is a contest. Yeah. And New York is great, but that's just because New York is great. Yeah. That one's not as fun because you're not going out for breakfast. Yes. Great comedy festivals.

Everyone's in a fucking hotel. You bump it into everyone in the elevator. You're like, we're all going to get eggs. Come over here. And later we're going to the thing and boop, boop, boop. Right. How about eggs? It's an old Gaffigan bit.

Oh, I don't know that. What should we do on Easter? How about eggs? Oh, wow. It's a funny bit. I'm killing it. I thought it was another cool running's reference. That was a good one.

Feel the rhythm. Feel the rhyme. Get on up. It's bobsled time. You got it. That's from Hidden Figures. That wasn't bad. Well, who was the, wait, who was it?

Was it John Candy? Yes. John Candy. I was going to say John Goodman. Well, they go hand in hand. Candy was funnier. Yeah. Yeah, I suppose so.

Goodman's, you know, he's talented. Don't get me wrong. But Candy's funnier. I told you, I watched Catty's Shack on the Flight. That movie's as good as it gets. Neither one of those guys are in there. But they edited it a bunch. They don't show the poo eating scene.

Oh, that's iconic. It's so great. They don't show that. They don't say brown nose. There's like a bunch of weird stuff where you're like, what is going on here? Yeah, that is cool. Brown nose is odd.

It's a classic American term for, you know, sucking dick. Yeah. Or significant asshole, I guess. I think it's kiss ass. Yeah. Maybe a head up their ass or something. Right. I think it's a kiss ass.

How do you feel? You ever had a guy kiss your ass? Like a guy? Literally. Not metaphorically. Oh, yeah, for sure. How do you feel about that? Well, it depends on what kind of ass.

Sometimes it's uncomfortable, but we work on this in therapy. You got to accept love and compliments. Yeah, I just feel guilty. I had a kid last night. He goes, you're Mark Dorman. You grew up in New Orleans. I know you're dead. I ate your mom out.

All this stuff. And he's just listing all these things about me. He knows. I've listened every pod you've ever done. I'm a big fan. I love your ass. And then I was like, my instinct's like, I got to get out of here. Yeah.

Yeah. Of course. Yeah. It makes you uncomfortable when you want to run for it, but then all we do, I've talked about this in therapy. It's like a weird, not oxymoron. What is it? Paradox.

Paradox. Okay. A little another oxy. That's not bad. Oxy-cotton. Oxy-clean. Mmm. Olly-olly oxen-free.

Don't covet your neighbor's oxen. What's that? That's the Bible. Oh, it is. Don't covet your neighbor's oxen. Really? Yeah. You're not supposed to, which is an odd, you know, rule.

I can't want what he has in the words of George Carl. And that's what keeps the economy going. Boy, I don't remember. I didn't read the Bible. I got no Bible knowledge. I read. I didn't retain it. I know Joseph.

That's you. Yeah. He's in there. Both biblical names. By the way. Mark. Yeah. What are you kidding?

Mark, Luke and John. See, I got nothing. I got to get in there. I got to get some, read some Bible. I'll get you the Torah first. You got to read. You got to read them in order. Luke.

That's one, right? That's what I just said. Oh, yeah. Luke. I'm trying to think of other ones. John, Luke. Is not. What's that one?

Picard. Ezekiel. Oh, yeah, yeah. But that thing is not in the Bible. As I remember looking it up, I think every fucking schoolboy looked it up and it's not even in there. He just wrote that and was like, this is from the Bible. Oh, weird.

Yeah. Cain and Abel. Oh, yeah. Cain. You don't need any canes. Cain and anal. Cain and anal. Those go in the course of the carriage.

What? Cain and an anal? I met pain in an anal. Oh, pain. I thought you put a cane in there. It's so fascinating to me. I know we're always talking about anal, but how could it not be painful? You have a dick crammed in your asshole.

I know that inside there's a spot that you can touch and you come, which sounds like a myth to me. Yeah. But it just feels like your first sexual experience, if you're a bottom, has to be like, one, you need a lot of lube, I think. Yes. And I think it's like kale. It takes a minute to get good.

Kale. Well, how did it blend it then? Kale and Abel. That's the only way I'd have it is if I put it in a blender with some blueberries. So the guy was like, I got to fuck him. I'll put my legs up in my head and feed me some blueberries. Pour it right in. It's like a smoothie suppository.

A smooth ossatory. I love soap. Say that again. You need both soap. Yep. Can I address this by the way? Are your toenails painted? What's going on here?

They're white. They look like they're white. They need to be re-upped. I missed my appointment. What do you mean? They're the wrong color. Well, I think my toes are tan or my feet are tan. I know, but the nail usually you can kind of see through them to some pink.

Yours look white. Yeah. I got thick plexiglass. I've never seen any like it. Let's see. I don't know what he took a whole video of. My toenails are, they might have wild for different reasons. They're the right color though, but they're like pointing in different, the jagged and

the different directions as a crack and one. To be honest, this is the best they've ever looked, but I know they are thick and white. It's like porcelain. Yeah. It looks like an elephant tusk in there. Right there. It's ivory. It's not a bad foot aside from that.

Oh, wow. Yeah. It's okay. I mean, it's, you know, it's not wild. I've never seen your foot. Are you one of these guys like a man's feet? I can't do it. I killed myself.

I am one of those guys and it bums me out because Chris Diaz is this great bit and I'm like, I've been saying this for a year. Don't you hate when you have a, someone does a bit that you've like, I've been saying that for 20 years. I just never thought to do it on stage. Totally. What's the bit? Well, his bit is about a man's toe.

I'll throw up. You shouldn't see a man's feet. If you ever see my feet, blah, blah, blah, blah. But I feel the same way. A man's hoof is gross. And in fact, I find about 90% of women's feet disgusting too. Yeah. I'm just not in the feet, but to me, a man or woman, I'm like, eh, I'm not, but I'm not

when he's like, ah, God, I can't handle it. It's not that I can't handle it. It's just like, eh, it's off-putting. It's off-putting. I see. But a tell in Amy's movie. I want to talk about Amy's movie. I went and saw it yesterday.

It was a fun hang. I went and saw it and David Tell is in it. He's wearing flip flops in it. David Tell's feet. That's mysterious and wild. A picture like a Fred Flintstone, like the bottom is black and they're wide and hairy. Like he's been pushing a car. Well, they don't do a close-up because it's not a Tarantino, but you can see from a distance,

it seems like an okay foot, but like that's a foot you never imagine seeing because he's not going to be in a pool. Right. You're not going to be at his home. No. And even still, he'll be wearing boots. Like he wears like big boots and I imagine like three or four pairs of socks. Yeah.

I can't imagine that. That big old clomper. Yeah. The Atelhoof. Well, let me talk about the movie a little bit because I got to tell you, a couple of people told me it's a pile of shit. It's dog shit and they're like, text me as soon as you see it because it's the worst thing I've ever seen in my life.

And I was like, it's got 35% of rotten tomatoes. Wow. That's wildly low. Yeah. So I was committed to going with Sarah and her sister. So I was like, all right, it's date, day, it'll be fun and it's fun to see people you know in movies. Rory's in it, who I forgot about until the movie started.

Oh, he's one of my faves. He's the lead. And of course, Amy. And then it turns out Phil Hanley is in the movie. Love the hand man. All right. A good pal, which I didn't even know. He kept that on the DL, this guy.

Talk to us, Hanley. We're your friends. Text us. Hello. This is us reaching out to him on a podcast. Oh, good point. Call in. But he's in there.

Kyle Grooms is in there. Tony V is in there. I love Tony V. Which is the second movie in a row I've seen with my friend Tony V. He's like a Boston legend. What was the other one? Chappaquiddick. I knew he was in it.

So that was exciting. But this one, I didn't even know he was in it. And all of a sudden I heard his like, his very distinct gravelly voice. They're in a laundromat and you hear like, all right, coming up. And I was like, I think that was Tony. And then I was like praying to see him. And then he's in there. He's got some screen time.

Cookie. He's got some screen time. Because they shoot movies in Boston a lot. He's got the Boston casting, the whole thing. That's lunch. So and he's not like getting a hookup from Amy. He's just a guy going out and getting on the movie. He's got a good look.

Great look. You know, he was the gorilla in the Sampsonite commercials and from like the 70s, 80s, 80s I guess. Harambe? No, no. Different gorilla. Oh, he was pre-Harambe. Way before Harambe.

Harambe can fucking blow me. He's a hack. He's dead now. But there's all those commercials where there's a gorilla throwing around a suitcase, you know, the Sampsonite. That was like the big ad. That was Tony V. Wow.

The comedian. That probably paid his lunch for years. He said he bought him a house. I don't know if there's a fence or not, but there's a house. Well, he's open-minded, so probably not. Maybe the fence is hidden. Aha. It's in Charlestown.

He bought a house in Charlestown. I shouldn't say too much, I guess. In Charlestown, like back in the 80s or whatever, when it was like more sketchy. Now it's like, this is like a million dollar house, I think. Smart boy, that's what I'm doing with this place. This neighborhood's a little dicey. Oh yeah. I almost got stabbed outside here.

Yeah. Girl Scouts are running around. They'll kill you. I can't do that on air. Eat a cook. Not on air. Then I'll be chewing. It's authentic.

People here chewing. They'll never listen to the show again. That's true. People hate chewing. You get chewed out. You do one show and they're like, well, fuck you. You had the sniffles. You piece of shit.

You should kill yourself. You're like, all right. Take it easy. Yeah. But anyway, so we got home from moon tower. I fly in. It's a fucking 6 a.m. Pick up the whole thing.

Ooh. Did you get any shut-eye? I got some shut-eye. I went to bed. It was a weird feeling. You're like, you're going to the party. You're going to rock and roll. What's the rock and roll show?

Oh, God damn. Yeah. God damn. I feel like I'm 100 years old. I keep calling it the rock and roll show. God damn comedy jam. You're like, you're going to the party. God damn comedy jam.

And I texted this. As soon as I sent it, I regretted it. I was like, I'm closing my eyes, which is such a thing you say to your wife. Yeah. I thought you were dying. So dramatic. I think there's coins on there. Right.

Or cucumber slices. I'm closing my eye. I clicked off the light. It's just a funny how life goes. Normally I'd be falling into the bushes with my pants off and trying to fuck everybody. But I'm like, I'm off to bed. I had a little sleep cap. Yeah, I had a shot in one hand and a dick in the other.

I was ready to light a lampshade on my head and a cane up my ass. Oh, cane and able. Anal. So anyways, I go to bed, wake up at 6 AM. And this blew my mind. We talked about this last night. We had a 6 AM pickup because they just want you to all scooped up and out of there. They want you out together.

They don't want to do one ride each. They want you all in one car. Yeah. So I'm in the car with Luke Null, good guy, new SNL cast member. Good egg. Beat him in ping pong, mind you. Nice guy. Funny guy.

You sure did. And he brought it up the next morning, by the way. Well, he was a little sour. He tweeted about it. Didn't sit well with him. Oh, no. Well, he tweeted about it and all his fans were like, ah, you should have taken him. I bet you could beat him in other ways.

I was like, bring it on, Lukey. Wake it up playing guitar. That guy can play. He can play. And he's got beautiful eyes. He reminds me of Henry Phillips, like a skilled guitar player with funny lyrics. He can actually sing. And he's a good guy.

Good guy. Funny guy. Because a lot of these, you see a guitar on a comedian's back. You're like, here we go. Oh, yeah. We're going to beat him up. Yeah. It's going to be, you know, kiss my dick because I'm Rick or whatever.

Rick Shaw. I'm about to say that. Oh, we're in sync periods. All right. So anyways, we get in the car and 6 a.m. pickup. Then we go there. And a lot of these guys, they don't have the TSA. You don't have the TSA.

I got clear. You got clear, but a lot of the airports, they don't have that. They had it. When I got to the airport, it was 300 line deep. It was crazy. Because Soda doesn't have it. Soda is like, he's such a walking contradiction. Not a walking contradiction.

That's not the right word. It's a Green Day song. Amit then I ain't got no rad. Enigma. Enigma. Because he's silver or platinum with Delta, not silver. Platinum. Wow, that's crazy.

He's above me on Delta, but yet doesn't have pre-check. I'm like, you're flying enough to fly first class and shit. You got status. You're the first one on the plane, but you can't get through security. Yeah, well, it's just that whole thing. Platinum, you rack up by just going to the airport and doing flights, but pre-check actually requires some discipline and an appointment and all that. Yeah, fingerprints or whatever, but you got to get it.

Well, or don't get it if you're listening. I want that line short. It's getting longer, have you noticed? Much longer, but even still, as long as you still get through, you don't have to take your shoes off the computer the whole thing. True, true. But anyways, so I get through and Soda's going to wait a day and a half. I bump into Lisa Traeger and Matteo Lane.

They're having breakfast. So I joined them. We have breakfast. Nice. We eat our whole breakfast, pay the check, all the business, and then Soda shows up and the plane. Like he just barely made it. Wow.

I'm like, I sat and had an airport breakfast with his slow and shitty too. That's lunch. But anyways, we fly home. It's one of those flights. It's so fun. Your agent, Hillary's right behind me. Matteo's a row behind me. Ophir Eisenberg.

Dan Soder. Nick. Not Nick. No. Luke Null. Null and void. Yeah. A lot of people.

Ryan Hamilton's on the flight. Then right before we board, Ryan Hamilton shows up. I go, where have you been? He goes, oh, I just got my own ride to the airport. Genius. He's like Jackie Robinson. He slept an extra two hours. My point is I was on three and a half hours sleep.

Landed, going meet up with Sarah and her sister. We go to see, I feel pretty. Any sleep on the plane? I can't sleep on a plane. I'm too long. It's four hours. I'm too late. I had my eyes closed.

Maybe I did a couple of head bob things. That's Hillary. She was right behind me. I think she was videoing the whole thing. All right. I'll text her. Yeah. She gets 10% of my sleep.

Head bob, by the way. Great improv comic. Head bob. Head bob. Head bob and Rick Shaw. They work together on the tour. That's a good comedy team. Bob and Shaw.

I don't know what I'm doing. I ran out of steam on that one. I hate myself. Rick Shaw. Head Shaw. All right. I blew it. Fuck it.

Keep it moving. Shawshank Redemption. Aha. You're back. All right. That's something. Yes. Shaw, wasn't he the guy in Jaws?

Robert Shaw. Aha. Yes. And the sting. All right. He's tremendous. Sting Ray. Sting Gay.

Okay. That'll sting. Yeah. Sting. All right. I've had it. And it stings like the singer. Great singer.

And bass player, by the way. Aha. Is he dead? Sting. No. It's hard to keep Bowie's dead. Springsteen's dead. The other guy.

Why do we remember? Because we just passed the two-year anniversary of Prince Dying and I was like, that's not the right anniversary. They have that wrong. I was like, this is wrong because I did Conan the day he died. I fucking remember it distinctly. I was like, they got their date wrong. And then I saw it pop up somewhere else and I'm like, all right, I got to be wrong because

it's like three of me people tweeting the same thing. But I'm like, I remember Prince Died and I was on Conan. And then I did some research. I was like, it was Bowie. Bowie died the day I did Conan. They mixed it up. I mixed it up. Oh, you mixed it up.

But I was convinced. I was like, I remember doing Conan the day Prince Died. They did a tribute. But it was Bowie. So I flipped him. Got it. Yeah. I remember that because we were texting about your Conan and you were like, Bowie.

Yes. And then like, you know, they had a whole Bowie thing. Anyway, who gives a shit? What am I talking about? I land. Meet up with Sarah. We go to see. I feel pretty.

I got warned there's going to be the worst movie ever. I got to tell you, I really enjoyed the picture. I hear good things too. But I wonder, hang on, stop me if I'm gay. But maybe you enjoyed it more because you had low expect. Well, that's part of it. But like, I also, I'm pretty good at going into a movie and understand because quiet place, I had high expectations.

Ah, high expectations. And I thought it was phenomenal. I thought it was tremendous. Okay. So, you know, you never know. I've gone into movies thinking they're going to be great. Like three billboards. I was like, this is going to be amazing.

It's one of the worst movies I've ever seen. Sure. I've gone into quiet place being like, all right, this is supposed to be great. It was unbelievable. It even outdid the expectations. Wow. Over and out. I feel pretty.

Don't get me wrong. I feel pretty. No pun intended. It's got some fat on it. I would have, I would have changed some things. Sure. There's some scenes that are a little long. It's not a perfect movie.

All right. Hard to be perfect. No one's perfect. I was like, oh my God. I thought we were going to be elbowing each other and laughing and making fun of it. Genuinely enjoyed it. I LOL'd a bunch of times throughout. I even got a little emotional.

Sarah cried. She's a woman. So, on a scale, we both cried essentially. There you go. I thought Rory was great. And Amy was phenomenal. I mean, she is great. Now, did it have Amy's fingerprint on it?

Was it like, that's an Amy bit? You can tell she wrote that. That's so her. I think there was some prints. There's some jokes. There's some really funny jokes. There's some greats. Like the first 20 minutes, I was like, I love this movie.

Wow. And then, like I said, there's a few parts that you're like, this is longer. But I didn't get annoyed by the message or anything. I thought I was going to be like, this is over the top. We get it. But I didn't have any of that. Oh, I can't wait. I'm going to go see you this weekend.

That's the first 20 minutes. I was like, I'm loving this. Like I said, there's a couple of scenes where like, I know what's happening here. Can we just fast forward a little bit? That was a little bit of, again, it's not the Godfather. But I genuinely enjoyed every minute. Rory was great. Kyle Grooms is there.

I've already mentioned everything that's in there. But Amy is hilarious. She's a movie star. She's a movie star. Totally. She belongs. Like you watch like Dane Cook in a movie. You're like, this doesn't really work.

Right. She belongs up there. She can carry it. Carries the film. And I was really invested. I thought it was good. So go see it. I don't believe the bullshit.

I like the movie very much. I can't wait. I can't wait to see that. I got a big movie weekend. I'm going to see that in a quiet jizz. And I can't, I can't wait. Now you're on the road. Where are you headed?

Well, this is going to come out later. But I'm in B town. Baltimore. Timonium. The Goobys. Baltimoreans. Yes. I like to call them that.

I don't feel that way. They're great people. Good. Good city. A lot of harbor. A lot of crab. A lot of lobster. That's one of those ones that, but you're not in Baltimore.

You're fucking 30 miles away. I know. Nowhere. You're nowhere. I hate that town. I love a city club. I know you. That town.

That hotel. You got to walk like 10 miles to get to Walmart and like Jimmy John's. I'm like, all right. I guess I'll just walk for a half hour to get to fucking a sandwich. And a party is like, well, maybe it's good to walk as long as I need to kill time and I get no exercise here. Yeah. But Baltimore.

Good city, by the way. Good city. It's got a stank on it, for sure. Yeah. I'm heading to Seattle. Again, this is going to come out in the past, but I'm heading to Seattle the day tomorrow and I'm going to go see Derek and the whole family out there. I'm excited about it, which is weird because you forget that I'm like, I'm going to work.

I forget. Yeah. My manager's like, what's your flight info? And I'm like, flight info. I'm going to hang out with my family. All right. Well, I tell you, I rode to the airport in Moontow. I rode to the airport with Nicky.

Glazer. Yeah. And Dan Natterman, which is my as well as you ride with a, you know, like a Basset Hound because he's not saying anything. Yeah. He's a little autistic. Yeah. But so me and Nicky are chatting and she was like, man, these fests are kind of, they're

like a lot of work, you know, because you think I'm going on the road, but then you're like, I'm going to do a pod this time, then I'm going to do a live radio this time, then I'm going to be able to morning and do a ping pong, you know, it's a lot of stuff and it's fun. Yes. But you're moving constantly. Yeah. You forget on the road, you're like, I'm in the hotel room till 4 p.m. with my feet up,

and I'll go out and get coffee, maybe, you know, you really have a slow, long, nice, relaxing day. Right. But on these, these fests, you're up on Adam, and then, you know, guys like me, I was hung over today from the fest. Oh, geez. That lingering and you're a little foggy, you know, after a fest because you eat shit, you drink shit, you push it.

Well, the other thing is too, you're on and that you're hanging out all day. And so you're, there's not a lot of like, you're listening in conversation and you're trying to be on because you're trying to be funny and then you're listening to everybody, which is kind of exhausting. Yes. And all the times I'm just sitting there watching TV beating off and I'm not focused on anything other than, you know, my uncle fucking me in the butt. And then you get to the comedy club and you're fresh and you're ready to be on there, you

know, this year on all day. And then you get to the show and you're like, I got to do this too. Well, I had to, I had to, we went and schedule wise at Moontow because the first night we had our live paw, which is amazing. Go to the God damn Patreon, get on the Patreon right now, go listen to that live episode, it's the talk of the town. And look how much we're pumping. We're so proud of this thing.

We fucking killed it. Ron Bennington, Chris DeStefano, some crazy coos in the front crystal in a go pack, Joe. The whole gang, Rishi and Rashi and Muzzy. Oh yeah. By the way, the Muzzies, they gave us a bonus gift card. Yeah. Those things were bonk. I felt terrible though.

I got to address this. I walked out on the, the late show Saturday, which we thought you were on, but you weren't on. Yeah. They booked too many. There's a couple of kooks involved in that. I'll get to that later. So we did the New York's finest show at the theater.

That's what I was going to say. I had no show scheduled that I had three on Friday, two on Thursday, and then just one late night on Saturday. So I didn't go on stage till quarter of one. I was just hanging out for like 20 hours straight and they're like, you're on. I'm like, I don't even know how to do comedy. Right. It's been years.

Yeah. So by the way, it's about 550 degrees in here. I'm wearing a hoodie and long sleeves and thermals and a jockstrap. I'm sweating. Maybe open the freezer. That might give you a burst. That's the old thing, but then you're wasting electricity and your shit's going to melt. I haven't opened that thing since 41.

All right. But yeah, we went to Magnolia, your special place. Yeah. That's Joe's restaurant, which we went to with Louie years ago and had a nice dinner where he called queso queso. It's a whole thing. Yeah. He called me an idiot in front of everybody.

Yeah. That was pretty emasculating. You guys had just joined the tour and he's like, you sound like an idiot. And then I, it was like this weird moment where I was like, I know you guys just got here, but who's signing on on this one? Everyone had to be like, I think it's good. Okay. So you were like, had your head buried.

You're like, it's queso. You're fucking retard. Yeah. That was terrifying. I was like, Texas are alive. She's like, I'm sorry. It's queso. Yes.

He's sorry. He did the thing where like, uh, this is his biggest crime he's ever committed. It did the thing where he's like, well, it's queso in Spanish and I'm like, I know, but we're not in Spain. Yeah. It's like, it's also a Talia country or Espana. Yeah. But it was like, we're not, we're here.

Right. Speaking English. We're not in Mexico. We're in Mexico. But yeah. So, uh, we went there and we always get, you ever, did you ever watch Get Smart as a youth? Yeah.

It was on Nick at night. It was a 60 show. It was spoofing bond. Yeah. I mean, I'm familiar. I just never watched it. It was pretty good. It was pretty out of its time.

It had that naked gun vibe with a TV show. Right. And, uh, so they had this thing called the cone of silence where they were talking like in the office and they were like, this is some dicey information. They would push a button. The cone of silence would come down and the whole joke was, it was this big plastic bubble and they would talk it and they couldn't hear each other. Oh.

It was a good gag. But I was always like, oh, that's great. And that's what we need because we're always talking shit about every comic in the business. Even now, I'm worried there's somebody behind that door with a, you know, a cup. And we were talking in the lobby or the waiting area of this restaurant and this hefty couple, big, big group. A couple of heavyweights.

Yeah. Large people. Uh, they were just sitting there texting and being fat and we're talking about comedy comedy. And eventually the guy in his shorts and goatee goes, hey, uh, I hate to butt up and listening to he entire time and writing things down. Just wondering, uh, you guys comedians and we're like, uh, geez. Yeah.

At that point, I dove under the bench. You checked out completely when I write in your phone and me and Chris were just like, uh, we're with Chris DiStefano and he's like, yeah, yeah, what's up? And he's like, oh, I've actually been delving into the open mic world. Yeah. You guys have any tips on how to write and how to, this is the worst question in the world. He goes, how do you make time for writing? Yeah.

What does that mean? How do you make time for shitting? You make time. By the way, I have zero loyalty when it comes to social situations. Yeah. You know what? You flew the coop. Somebody comes over and goes, oh my God.

I dive under. I don't give a fuck. You're on your own. I wish I had. I feel guilty doing that. I've done it to my own wife. Literally after a show where like someone was like, oh my God, tell me about it. I just sit right off.

She's like, you left me. I'm like, I don't. At that point, you're just another comic on the road. You're going to have to deal with this later. You figure out a way out. Well, what can we, but you realize by you leaving, we have to stay. You're, you're screwed. No, you don't.

You could, this is an Allen moment. You could say, I'm sorry. I didn't leave. I just checked. I just didn't answer. I just started staring ahead. You could go, I'm sorry. I'm not comfortable talking right now.

I'm with my friends. Talk to Allen about it. You're going to have to assert. Yeah. Well, you're not asserting either. That's why I got out first. You're not assert ornament. Well, it's like, it's like the Seinfeld with Peter, men would fucking Jerry leaves.

He's like, you got to take me with, I'm speaking at a woman's conference. That whole thing. Yeah, George. You're on your own. Right. You know, but you, you have the, there is an advantage to checking out first because then he has to refer to the other person to deter. I'm the first check out.

I have the opposite with eye contact with waiters. I always make eye contact. And then all of a sudden the other five are looking down. Now I got to listen to all the specials, even though I want is a chicken parm. That's why I came there. So I'm just sitting there making eye guys. Like we got salmon. We got grilled dicks.

We got your asshole. You're coming. You're soup. It's a hell of a restaurant. But okay. All right. So you're saying you fuck up with the waiter, but you're good with the social. No reverse.

I'm good with the waiter. You want to hear the specials? I thought you said you didn't want to hear. No, no. I care about him. I want to make eye contact. This guy. I don't give a shit about this guy.

I mean, I hope his life works out, but he had some problems. This guy. A lot of problems. Cause you're like, this is, it's also a thing. If the guy, if it was someone we knew we bumped into and was asking advice, I'd be happy to give it. But, but this is like a guy. He's like, first of all, he has the answer.

He's like, I live 40, first of all, he's like a 50 year old guy who lives like 40 minutes outside of Austin. Who's like, I'm trying to get in there. Like, yeah, you got, you got no chance. Yeah. He's got cargo shirts, a Pantera shirt. He's 80 pounds overweight and he's got a nose ring and an eyebrow ring. Well, those all work.

You just described big J. He's killing it. Well, he's also been doing comedy for 40 years. I guess. But this guy, he's like, I drive to work. He's like, I got 30 minutes in the car. I got 30 minutes driving back. I got no time to write. And I'm like, well, the answer is in there.

You're right in the car. You're telling me you have an hour. He's like, I just sit by myself for an hour every day. I got no time. I'm like, well, that's where you write the jokes. So of course you have time. You go home after work. You eat a bunch of dog shit hot pockets.

Then you watch Netflix for four days. Then you take a shit for three hours. Stop. Don't watch one episode of Roseanne and write. But he's not going to do that. Right. I was not listening. I mean, this guy's going to kill himself.

He doesn't even know what a podcast is. That's how out of the business that guy is. But he didn't seem to recognize us either. He's like, I overheard you. Yeah. But this is the problem. I feel like De Niro and Goodfellas. This is the problem with talking on phones.

You can't talk in private, I mean, in public. Right. Because we're over here going, you know, fucking, you know, slappy white was a hack. And then Varson's like, what's that you said? I couldn't help it overhearing. Yeah, that mom's baby was a thief. Yeah.

And they're posting it on Facebook. And then we're out of the business. Right. Because we trashed, you know, Benny Hanna. Oh, he was good. He had some good stuff in the, I don't know. Benny King. Who am I thinking of?

Benny King. Benny Goodman. Benny King was stand by me. Oh, yeah. Rob Reiner directed it. Benny Hill? Benny Hill. That's something.

I guess. Henny Youngman. Oh, that's something. Ah, gee. What was the guy, Jack Benny? Jack Benny. Thank you. You know, Woody Allen said he said his whole career.

He was just doing Jack Benny, but he doesn't do it as well. So nobody noticed. Wow. Yeah, he did not do a good Jack Benny at all. He did a way better thing than Jack Benny. Yeah, well, Jack Benny has the best retort according to Norm MacDonald. He was on the phone with Bob Hope on the radio show.

And Jack Benny was the shit. Right. He was the guy and Bob Hope called in. And Jack Benny's like, Bob, you're a great comic, maybe America's best comic. And Bob Hope goes, I don't know, Jack. I got to say you are. And he goes, I stand corrected.

That's great. That's a great line. Jesus. Oh, boy. But yeah, so you can't talk too much. You never know who's listening. What was there something else at Moontar that we were getting into?

I feel like my show. Oh, the gift cards. That's what I felt bad about. Oh, the phone. I started telling this. So I came out of the closet to my parents, but not publicly. Finally.

I came out. First of all, Ron Bennington is the best guy on the fucking planet. Funniest guy, quickest guy, coolest guy, most experienced guy, living legend. Brilliant guy. I mean, I love him. He hosted the show.

No complaint. We're all like, this is one in the morning. We got early flights. He's just coming in to have the time of his life. He's got a cigar, three pairs of glasses on his head. Yeah. And he's a guy you respect, but you can hang out with him. You're like, oh, you're just a comic.

You're one of us. Tremendous guy. I love him. He's my hero. Don't start eating. They'll hear it. Quick chew. All right.

Bacca. Baccarat. Baccarat? Birt Baccarat. Birt Baccarat. And then there's Sebastian back. Oh, yeah. And there's Galco.

Well, there's also Baccarat, which is a game. Oh, yeah. Which I always reminded of High-Eye. Oh, High-Eye? Yeah. Yeah. I think it's High-Eye. High-Eye a lot.

No, High-Eye. No, uh. What was that? Is it no, huh? High-Eye? High-Eye. I used to go to High-Eye. Why did I think it was High-Eye?

It sounds a little more majestic with a High-Eye. High-Eye. I thought it was kind of like a silent up, but it was like High-Eye. But if you look at it, I think there's an A. I think it's like J-A-I, space L-A-I. Like Portia. Right.

I think it's High-Eye. Alexa, is it High-Eye or High-Eye? What a dirty country. Idiot. Go kill yourself, you fucking whore. What the fuck was I talking about? High-Eye. I was like, did the show.

I come out. I'm playing High-Eye. I put down my racket. I got to go on stage at the late show, the New York's finest show. And I go out there. It's the state theater, which is beautiful. We should do it next time.

I think we can sell that thing. I think it was at 800 seats? 300. Oh, even better. The other one's better. For us. Yeah, I think we could do something. We could do something.

Oh, yeah, we got to talk about the big-bong tournament, too. We're skipping out on some of the stuff. We got time. Keep it rolling, sister. All right. So I walk out on stage. The crowd is nice.

It's like three quarters full. But immediately, I see these two guys, these two fans, Indian fellas, who are a big part of the live show. Get the Patreon. They were amazing. I think Bennington called them terrorists a couple of times. Yeah, I called them Muzzy, and they were cool with it. Yeah, I think I did one of those classics.

It was a real fun time. But they were so nice, we kept bumping into them. Good guys, they were having some beers, having a great time. They gave us gift cards. And then we went to Chipotle together, and I had a bunk card. The lady swiped it 350 times. She's like, there's no money on here.

She punched in the code. She's like, $0.00. It's not activated. Yeah. And then I thought it was like a prank, maybe. But I feel really guilty because I came out on stage and recognized them. And I mean, I was just like, you gave me a bullshit card.

You fucking ass saw it. And the crowd was like dying. And then he was just like, oh, he was just looking like. Oh, I didn't know that. I didn't get on stage. Yeah, I think I felt bad. And you know how when you kind of zing someone, you tease someone, you make fun of them?

It hurts so much more when everyone else is like, ah! Like he were elbowing him. And I feel terrible because I'm equally as grateful for the card. The thought. But I think they fucked you. You got to go back to wherever you went. I don't know if you had the receipts still.

Yeah, you don't get fucked either there, Muzzy. But I don't have the card. I think I threw it at a homeless guy. I said, here, buy yourself a burrito and laughed. That'll be a fun night for him. But I don't know. So I appreciate it. But I feel bad for making funny Raji or Kazi.

Rishi. Rishi? I think it's Rishi. Pieces? Well, thank you. And sorry if you were hurt or if I made funny. I really appreciate. I'm grateful.

And then I did, what's your fucking deal? Which we're going to put on the Patreon as well. Yes. And I called everyone retards and I said I hated them. But I was trying to be funny. And everyone said, no, everyone got it. It was killing. But then I felt bad afterwards.

The comics on the wall were just bent over, keeled even. And peeled. Yes, good show. Yeah, it was really fun. We're going to put that on the Patreon, check it out from live from Moontower, my 15 minute set, which you were supposed to do. Yeah.

Supposed to record it. You forgot to record it. Now I thought, because occasionally you tell a tall tale, you'll fib a little bit. Highly. Yeah, if you're familiar with Mark's. Sorry. I wanted to record.

I would love to have this. I just was so nervous because everybody was going up and killing. And it's a riff show. You have zero material. It's all unplanned. So I'm freaking out and I'm scared of the unknown. So I just went up and I was like, he's like Mark Norman. It was SNL guy.

And I just went up and I just didn't even think about the record. I was so worried about the set. And now I wish I had. And then in my head, I remembered Midway. And I was like, they're probably recording this for some reason. Yeah. Well, I left because I had to run to the other show. And then you were like, I forgot to record it.

So I thought you aided a bag of shit. And you're, or you said the N words. You were like, I forgot to record. And I was like, there's no way he didn't record. I know this guy. Then I come downstairs the next day. And the whole festival, I remember the festivals wearing their bad to go.

And did you see Mark? Did you see the mark? Mark and Tim Dillon, the best thing I've ever seen. Literally, Dan Sorter was like, it was one of the special moments in comedy. What? He's like literally one of the best moments in. I mean, he tends to speak in hyperbole quite a bit.

Sure, he's an exaggerate. But he's like, one of the best moments in comedy. Tim Dillon's like, it was the highlight of the fest. What? I couldn't believe it. He's like, you should have been there. And I'm like, we could be millionaires. And this recording is lost forever.

I mean, speaking as a guy who was there, it was OK. It wasn't that good. Well, I don't know. I mean, everyone was talking about it. I was pretty in the bag too. But I was just being honest. Everything we talked about at the table, all the things you go, we got to edit that out.

I just talked about that on stage. Right. And so it just got real. Then plus I had Tim there to keep me in line a little bit. Because I was like, what's up with pedophiles? They're not that bad. If you don't do anything, you're not that bad. It's the guys who do it.

But if you're just a guy who likes kids, you're not evil. And the crowd was like, oh my god. Then Tim Dillon would be like, yeah, I fuck kids all the time. Now we get a big laugh. Yeah. So it was touch and go. But yeah, maybe we'll turn that into my act, I guess. Yeah, I don't know what happened out there.

But it was something to be seen. And I feel like we could make a million bucks. But it didn't record. I didn't record. Damn it. I want to hear it too. Trust me. Well, mine was pretty good.

And now we did record it. And Tim was hilarious. And so it's on there. So go check out the Patreon. What's your fucking deal with Tim Dillon live from Moontower? It's a fun show. It was a fun night. I was bummed I had to run over to this other show, which

was fun as well. Andy Kindler was on it. That guy is a sweetheart. I love Kindler. Sweet man, good egg. So kind, which is in his name. Just put that together now. I like it.

But he was so sweet. And the Sklar Brother, we got to talk about the Sklar Brothers. Should we explain why Tim Dillon? I mean, do people get why Tim Dillon is there? Well, probably not. But they'll listen to the show. They saw the TV show. It was on CISO.

Good point. It was on CISO for 10 minutes. If you CISO, say so. But nobody saw so. Well, you go and it's a crowd work show. And then there's somebody has a crowd mic. You've got to do crowd work, but you have to be able to hear the people.

So there's a comedian in the crowd with the microphone. Yes, that was Tim. That was Tim that night. And so we both had killer sets. One was recorded. One wasn't. Yeah, fuck. I'd love to hear it.

Either way, get on the Patreon. Go check out that set. We did a bonus with Chris DiStefano. We have the live episode. We've got another live episode coming up May 7th, which is very soon. Buy your goddamn tickets. Go to comedyseller.com and get those tickets May 7th.

Drive in if you're in the Tri-State area. Come on down and suck your mother's dick. The Village Underground, 8 o'clock May 7th. It's comedyseller.com. So we're at Moon Tower. They do the Ping Pong Sklar Brothers Smackdown. Yes. IFC sponsors it.

They've done it four years in a row. There's a big Ping Pong tournament at the State Theater on stage. They set up four Ping Pong tables. The Sklar Brothers sit up above, high above, and do commentary. Yes. And they fucking were amazing.

They're basically just zing and zing pong. They were zinging all the players as they played, how they looked, how they played, the whole thing. And then when you lose, you walk over to the Sklar Brothers and they do a little post interview. Yes, they only interview the losers. Yeah, and that, only the losers. And that part is hilarious, too.

They just keep it going. I tallied. They must have done about 800 jokes throughout the night, all off the cuff. Amazing. So funny. And it was really a fun time. Judah Friedlander won, which was a lot of pressure

for him to win. Yeah. Because he's a Ping Pong guy. He's in the scene. He is in the scene like there was pro Ping Pong players. One of them was smoking hot, by the way. Very cute. And the lady was pretty good looking, too.

Great. But he walked out and gave her a big hug. They know each other. Like, he knows who's good. Like, he's like, oh, have you seen Zing Wang Pao play? He's ranked eighth in the China district finals or whatever. China, they love Ping Pong. They're good.

Well, it's weird because the Jews and the Asians aren't exactly dominating the sport world. But Ping Pong, I feel like they shine. Well, some sports, though, China and the Olympics crushes it. They got figure skating and the boobly bibs. I guess I'm thinking of the footballs, the basketballs, the baseballs, the soccer. No, no.

They had Yao Ming and stuff. But yeah, not big in those areas. Yeah, they had Lin. But you can name them all. That's what I'm saying. Oh, for sure, yeah. Hank Greenberg, Sandy Kofax. Yeah, Yogi Berra.

He's not a Jew. He's not? No, he's Italian. Yogi Berra. He was so funny. He looked like Jerry Stiller or something. Well, the Jews in Italian are very similar looks. That's true.

They always say Jews are good looking, or Jews are smart Italians, and Italians are good looking Jews. Oh, interesting. Yeah. By the way, Yogi Berra might not be Italian, so I might get like 25 tweets being like, are you kidding?

He's Greek. You fucking loser. I might be Greek. But I think he's Italian. Alexa, is Yogi Berra Italian? She's not going to know that. She's a dumb asshole. Wow, he really shut her up.

Alexa, Yogi Berra, what's the deal? She's out. She's, oh. Oh. Ah, shut up, you fucking moron. Worthless. What are you doing? Shut up.

We got it. Shelby would be better than Alexa. Yeah. Shelby's not here. We're in the apartment, everybody. We're doing a remote anal sex. All right, stop, Alexa. Enough of you, Alexa.

Zip it, bitch. There we go. Zip it, bitch, is one of their best ping pong players. She's ranked third. Oh, she knows Judah. She's still two. She's still talking. No.

We don't want to hear anything. All right. There we go. Nice to have a new member of the family. Oh, Alexa, stop. I don't think it's getting picked up in the mic, so they can't even hear it. Oh, yeah, sorry.

She won't shut up. Alexa, stop talking. Jesus, what a yappy broad. Anyway, so I went down to the dealership, and I bought Alexa's. No. We're good. That hurt us out.

Anyways, Judah won the whole thing. That was exciting. It was a lot of fun. And he can play. I mean, to watch that guy play was like watching a maestro at work. It was like a symphony. Yeah, the only points scored against him

were unforced errors. Right. Like, he would just miss by accident, or he'd fucked by accident is the same as unforced error. But you get it. And he was dominating. That was a fun time. Long day there playing ping pong.

How fun was it just at night bumping into you and me and Chris just walking around, having coffee, checking out girls, making fun of fat people? It was perfect. Great, great time. Great city. Great festival. Go next year.

If you're listening, go down to Austin. A lot of people flew in. Mindy Springs, she flew in. And the Indians. The Indian guys, the Cleveland Indians. And the outboys. Yeah, they were all there. It was great.

And it's a great city. You could just walk around downtown. Then they got SoCo, which is south of Congress. Then they got the East Side, which is like the hipster dicks. It's got everything you need. It's still cheap down there. Yes. You'd buy like four beers.

And they were like $9. Holy shit. I love South Carolina. I kept going. I went to Magnolia every day. I was the Cal Ripken of Magnolia. Yeah. And great spot.

I love South Carolina. I walk back. Every day we saw the bats. That was fun. We saw the bats, yeah. Little bit. That was my, well, I had to fuck this up. What's the movie?

Lights Out? Gryzinski? Lights Out? Oh, Quiet Place. Quiet Place. Quiet Place. You got a lot of hype. I got a lot of hype about the bats,

but it didn't really lead up. Yeah. Well, we also weren't there. We were late for shows. Yes. So it wasn't like we just went down there. And you're like, but the bats are a thing. We were like, well, go down here.

We'll watch some bats. We'll leave. It's a cute little touristy fun thing. It's fun. It's not bad. But I love that area. We walked so much. My step count was very high.

Very high. Now, this might be a sour spot in your asshole. But you missed a hell of a breakfast, my friend. What do big siskos? Don't remind. Ah, let's talk about it. Soder, that pimple. He didn't email me or text me.

Everybody else got an invite. Nothing. Well, there's what happened. I'm going to give you the straight dope. So first of all, Christopher Stefano has some sort of complex. That guy can't be by himself. I was getting calls from him at 7 AM.

Dick pics. He's got problems. He metued me all week, by the way. I got about 75 unsolicited dick pictures from that guy. And video. Wow, I asked for three. I got none. Well, I'll forward them to you.

Please, put me on that list. Kept FaceTiming me with his soft dick. Wow, that's bold. It wasn't that bold. It was more italic than anything. Uh-huh. An underlined. But so I get a call from him.

So I wake up at 10, 18 AM. I got a text from him saying breakfast, question mark. And then I got a text from Soder saying, meet in the lobby, 10 30 for breakfast. So I'm looking at that going, I don't know if I want to get out of bed. It's 10, 18. I'm like, this is 12 minutes.

I'm still sleepy. This is like my just kind of waking up. I might go back to bed. So then as I'm looking at my phone, I got a FaceTime from Chris DeStefano with his limp dick, half naked. And I FaceTimed my dick back at him. And now I'm like, what point are we just gay men

flirting with each other? Yeah, I guess. I guess when you're into it. And he goes, you want to get breakfast? I said, are you doing the big soda breakfast? He goes, I don't know what that is. I go, well, Soder just said meet in the lobby at 10 30. So he said, OK, I can do that.

And I went, all right, great. And I hung up that phone. And I said, Chris De and I will be down there in five minutes. So I got out of bed, put my clothes on, came down. You weren't there. Right. And I just assumed everyone was coming. I assumed you were sleeping in.

Well, so how did Tim Dillon go? I saw the photo. It was like the alt-right. Everybody was hanging out. Maybe he bumped into Tim Dillon. I don't know. He claims Soder said he was getting the bonfire, people together.

And then I think he must have thought of me because whatever. Aha, firecrutch. I guess so. I don't know. So I was appreciative. But I wanted to tell you, I wish you were there. We missed you.

And then by the way, we were there. We were like, where's Mark? Where's Mark? Where's Mark? And everyone was like, well, I don't know. I didn't think. That's something. I'll take that.

And people kept looking at me because we're a team. But I was like, listen, I got this text at 10 18. I just rolled out of bed. It took me everything I had to get down there in 12 minutes. As long as I was thought of, I'm OK at some point. You were thought of. But you're also, you get after it. So I figured you were in bed still.

I was hurting. I had one of those mornings where I was just like, I can't do it. Fuck this fest. I'm flying back tonight. About that's the hangover. It just takes everything out of you. And then a couple hours passed and I was moving.

But whoo, it was rough. Me and Chad Daniels went to Coopers and got BBQ. Oh, fun. Oh, and by the way, Natherman and Hamilton, that was a bump into. I was there for that. Uh-huh. They didn't get text.

They bumped into. Oh, they went to. They were there as well. Oh, man, I could have replaced Natherman. I could have been a voice. He doesn't contribute. Well, they were a bump into. But he's so funny.

But that was a bump into. And then Christmas just happened to be FaceTiming me as penis while I was getting ready. So that was that story. But we went to this place called Cisco's Family Owned and Operated. You get outside. It's in kind of the seedy neighborhood there.

There's like bums everywhere and barrel fires. Do you get a couple Ubers? Couple Ubers, yeah. Oh, this is a real organization. Yeah, it was a ways. And then you get outside. It looks like a shitty bodega. Like there's like bars in the window and like a neon light

that's kind of like blinking off and on. We're like, what is this fucking place? Bogada. And then we get in there and there's like eight people. It's packed with like 10 people. It's small. Like, no, no, we have tables in the back. And this is like a real Mexican family.

Like an actual family. They're all related. They're actual real Mexicans. Illegals. You go in the back and we all ordered all this. They have these biscuits with butter and like a ketchup bottle. Like it's melted butter. That's just on a table.

You got these biscuits and all I got quesadillas and hot sauce and queso, the whole thing. It was unbelievable. Best. It was better than Magnolia, the food itself. But I like the Magnolia. I like the hipster bullshit in the neighborhood. But sure.

Great time. So go hit up Cisco's and Magnolia if you're in Austin and go to that festival. And I don't know. I don't know what else to say. I'm running out of things to say. No, that's great. I again, I wish I had gone.

That photo, you really do it all for the photo. I saw that everything looks like fun in a photo. Even though when you're there, you have all this anxiety. Am I being fun? Am I cool? That joke bombed. I hate myself. I have things to do later.

I'm fat. I'm gay. You start freaking out. But the photo, you just see only the good part. Right. So like I saw you guys playing tennis in the photo. I go, oh, man, I got to start living my life. What am I doing?

I got to get out there. I'm a drunk. I hate myself. And then I go do something. And I go, I'm hot. I'm sweaty. I need to shower. I need to get home.

You can't win. Well, tennis is pretty great. Big shout out to Brian Whit. Check out his podcast, The Tennis Revolution. I think it's called. I think I got that right. I don't know if I'll ever listen. He was nice enough to take us all out.

He drove all the way down from Dallas. Oh, wow. And took me and Jeff Dye, Ryan Hamilton, and Chris D. And gave us tennis lessons. We were laughing our asses off. Chris D. kept saying swear words. We had to move over one because it was children. He kept saying Andre Fagasi, which was classic.

I love it. It was good fun. So check that out. And folks, come see us live for God's sake. My mind is blown when that Netflix thing came out. How many people have not seen us do comedy? It's crazy to me. Wait, wait, you've seen you?

I mean, maybe not me. Maybe you, but not me. I'm not on Netflix. I'm saying in general, like half the people were like, I've never even seen you do stand up, big Tuesday. I listen every week. I'm like, what? Right.

That's so fascinating to me. There's like, I'm not getting like 50 people wrote to me. I'm like, I love the podcast. Never seen you stand up. I'm like, that's so, you didn't think to Google? Yeah, YouTube's all day. You didn't watch for late night? Crazy.

Not a tee? Never said, huh? Yeah, you're on Netflix. Get out of here. So check us out. Come see us when we're coming. Oh, I got this one the other day, or today I got a, you were in Austin?

You always get that right after every time. It's a festival. You've kook. It's all over the map. And I've been plugging. Plugging. Well, we didn't get posters, by the way. Next time we go there, we're getting posters.

I want a poster. But anyways, come and see us. I am at, I think this week, I'm at Side Splitters in Tampa. Come out to that May 3rd through the 6th. Come to Side Splitters. I'm in Winnipeg at Rumors in a couple of weeks. And now it's time to start pushing that big date, Denver Comedy Works, Fort Collins

on the Wednesday. I'll be there as well. If you're a little further from Denver, Fort Collins on Wednesday, I think it's June 18th through the 19th, whatever the fucking weekend is, Denver Comedy Works. Two weeks after that, I'm at the Montreal Comedy House. Coming back to Montreal Comedy Nest with Sarah.

Denver Comedy Works, Sarah will be there as well. So June, Montreal, and Denver, don't miss it. Tell your friends, start spreading the word. Bring a gang. Get your tickets early so that it looks good for us. Denver Comedy Works in June. Comedy Nest in Montreal in June. And Side Splitters this weekend.

May 7th, Village Underground. Live Tuesdays with stories. And get on that Patreon. You wanna, you're gonna wanna hear that episode. You're gonna wanna hear it? Check me out at Acme Comedy Club in Minneapolis. This weekend, folks. I've been dying to do this club since I was a fetus.

And I almost got aborted. Good to be there. New Orleans after that at the Dragon's Den. And Lafayette. So come on out. The Sportsman's Paradise. Oh, nice. State.

Then Funny Bone Dayton with my old friend Chris Al. Then Comedy Works Denver. Also doing that Fort Aggie, Aggie Theater. Fort something, Fort Collins. Oh yeah, Fort Collins. Aggie Theater, there you go. We're both coming there. Then I'm at San Fran, Siskey for the Cluster Fest.

Then Wise Guys, Utah. Let's see some, what do you call that? What they got? Multiple wives? Polygamy. Polygamists. Yes. Then we're doing Levity Live,

Westniac in the mall, New York. Then coming out to DC Draft House in July. You know it, you know it, you love it. Then I turn that gig down. Thank you very much. One-eyed Jacks in New Orleans. Let's sell that puppy out. Long Island Cinema in Huntington, Long Island.

Tell a friend, Sidesplitters. And then it's my birthday. And then Gotham Comedy Club in Manhattan. Or should I say, Peoplehattan. Because I believe in equality. So thanks for everything. Check out the Patreon. It's cooking maybe better than the actual podcast.

That's ridiculous. I know. So am I. And what else? I don't know, we're running out of steam here. Those plugs, you gotta have a cookie. You eat the rest of that cookie. Let's chew on the camera.

Who put cookies in his mouth? The microphone. You eat the fire cookie. I'll have to buy this sugar. Oh, here, this is your piece there. That's not my piece. No, I'm giving it to you. No, no, you take it.

I'm gonna have the other sugar. You take a sugar, I'll take a sugar. I had a whole chocolate chip, I felt guilty. I don't want to eat your scraps. What's wrong with a scrap? I mean, I don't like a scrap. Scrappy do. He ruined the show.

Yeah, they jumped the scrappy. All right, so praise all tele-friend. Fuck your anal. I think we're really growing. I feel like there's some growth happening. Oh, it's growing. Not as people so much, but the fan base. Yes, yes, or my dick.

And we're coming out to LA at some point. So West Coast, tele-friend, I shouldn't have said that, but maybe we'll come out to LA. We're trying to come out to LA, we're trying to put together an LA show. In fact, write to us, let us know you're interested. Yes. So we can send it to our agents and say,

hey, let's sell some LA tics. Please, and always shirts online, mugs, jizz, filler up, and praise Allah, we'll see you in hell. Go gay and fuck your dad. Bye. I'm in my headings when legends cry. Homelessly watching the music die. Please, believe that we've got...