Tuesdays with Stories! - #244 Witch Warlock Skank

Episode Date: May 8, 2018

Mark & Joe are back to give the final take on Michelle Wolf's performance at the White House Correspondents Dinner before Mark has a school performance gone and Joe is told to smile more while in Tacoma. Check it out! Subscribe to our Patreon to hear the LIVE ep from Moontower with CHRIS DISTEFANO & RON BENNINGTON! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download Go on iTunes and give the pod a #5StarLunch review!

This is a Stand Up New York Labs production, providing you podcasts since 2013. Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard.

And then the duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody.

Yeah. That's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. Hey! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Woo, doggy. You know who it is. You know what it is.

It's Tuesdays. Mark Norman here. That's... Hi, I'm Joe List. You've heard of him. Netflix. Uh, thanks for tuning in. We're here, we're gay, and we're anal.

Good to have you back. So much to talk about. Beautiful day in Manhattan. We're back in the studio. Yes, we are. We haven't been in the studio in quite a while. We did one at your home. Yeah.

And we did one at Moontower. That's the loneliest number. And, uh, yeah, the hotel and a live one. Yeah, and a live one. So it's been a while. Shelby looks great. I think Shelby's hair looks like... It looks like you have a fine tooth comb.

You're claiming this is what it always looks like, but I feel like you look 40% better than normal. I think you got some sun, maybe. Because you usually have a vampire vibe. It has to be the sun because the hair is the same. Hair is the same. It looks exactly... You didn't get it cut, groomed, swooped.

It's exactly one inch. It's got like a little bit of a... It's got a Superman look. I love... I like to take the compliment, but it's the same. Take it. It looks like a fine tooth comb. Now, your hair, Mark, you look a little dillinate.

It's got a bed head. It's a little longer than normal. It's a little wackadoo. I got a real bird's nest up there. I can't do a thing with it. It's got a mind of its own. Yeah, you look like the K-man in the early episode. You look like Kessler.

Oh, I'm stressed. And mine, you know, pretty perfect as always, I have to say. You got a good shine in that, Nazi. Well, here's what it is. I went to Derek's house out in Seattle. You know, Derek. Big D. Yeah, hot dog.

I went out there and his wife is a beautician. Is that right? She's in the business. She helps the dead people look better. Yeah. No, that's a Bortician. Bore. Is she boring?

She's not. She's a thrill of minute. Mortician. Mortician. Yes. Yes. More anal. Ah, always.

Oh, boy. I can do some more anal. Yeah, well, I'm here. All right. Come between my shoulder blades, folks. Well, anyway, she's in the beauty business. She does the thing with... Sometimes I walk by the businesses, the China places.

Oh, yeah. The fucking threads through the eyebrow. It makes me puke. I broke. I hate it. I throw up. Well, I mean, let's go over this for a second. I can't even thread a needle, let alone...

How do you thread an eyebrow? How do you get one hair out with a thread? I don't get it. I don't get it either, but it makes me very nauseous. You see the person's eyes open. There's a thread going through their head. It's like the people that do cokes. They put like a nostril tissue through their thing and they floss.

Oh, yeah. Because it's the membranes or whatever. Right, right. Because there's a bridge with a hole in it, apparently, to go in and out. Yeah. How about the... My gal does the laser vag. Wow.

Yeah. She just sits there, legs a Kimbo and pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, shooting those hairs off, right on the labia. Wow. Like Han Solo. Yes. He's a laser guy, right? I'm trying to think of a...

Eat a gun. A pussy pun there. Han Solo. Yeah. Han Solo, Vaj. Vaj Holo. Anal. Yeah.

Vaj Holo. That's not bad. Vaj Holo. All right. Tanks. Not great. That's great. May the Vaj be with you?

All right. Maybe Luke Skywalker, puke, vagina walker. Pussybaka. We're rusty. I do a pretty decent Chewbaka. Lay it on me, Nate. Wait. What was that?

That wasn't it. That wasn't it. That would sound like Barney from The Simpsons. Yeah. More like Grover. Hold on. I think I can get it. Oh, yeah.

I used to be able to do it. Fuck. You've lost it, sister. Because it's similar to Miss Piggy. Oh, no. I do Yoda. I don't do Chewbaka. I do Yoda.

Big diff. Well, it's not that big. They're puppets on the Star Wars movies. All right. Well, one's a Wookie and one's a Yoda. What is Yoda? Yoda. He's a nice Jedi.

That's what he is. But is he a nut? Is he an almond? A legume? Is he an alien? What is he? He's a little green piece of shit. I didn't like him.

He was condescending. I thought he was country to Luke. He's got a cane, but he can lift that X-wing. But you have a cane? What is it? Are you strong or not strong? I didn't get it. He's two feet tall.

I never understood. He's supposed to be tough and old. I can throw him across the room. Yeah. Fuck Yoda. I'll beat the fuck out of Yoda. Yeah. Fucking loser.

More like Yoda. Okay. Yoda and Miss Piggy very similar. Yes. Frank Oz. Yes. Dr. Oz. Yes.

You seek Yoda. I like Kermit. That's not bad. Not bad. Not bad. I can't do Chewbaka. Please stop drawing. I feel like...

All right. We got it. Okay. Good Lord. I feel like I'm getting closer. It's not like my aunt. I feel like I'm getting closer. Your aunt's got some problems.

Tell me about it. You should see her back. It's quite hairy. Let's cover it. Please do. She needs it. That hair is different. I swear to God.

There must be video of Shelby somewhere. I don't know. Hair looks good. The skin. He's glowing. Eyebrows. Something. Usually you look horrific, but I think you look okay right now.

You look like a vampire who's aging, the only one. Now what is the girlfriend's name? I've never heard of the girlfriend until today. Yeah. Something's up. It's very mysterious here. Yeah. New girlfriend, new haircut.

Boyfriend. I'll say it. I'll bleep it. All right. I don't want to hear her name. It's fine. How old is she? All right.

Keep moving. So your aunt's gay. My aunt is gay and has a pair of tits on her. Oh. Most of them do. Wait. What was I saying? So my friend's wife, my friend, she's my friend, she works at this beauty product.

So she gets like this big dildo-y tube of shampoo and it's like the top of the line stuff. Because you think of shampoo, you and I, we just go and buy the dollar store, Pert Plus, fuck your mother, shampoo. Trill. I use the hard stuff. But this is like, you know, it comes in like a clear, it looks like out of a Kubrick film, this thing. Oh wow.

Cool. And it smells like, you know, cucumbers and what's that you said? A kube tube. Yes, it's a tube of kube. Aha. And you put it on, it smells like, like, you know, muffins and cucumber. It's just terrific. Aha.

And it's for body and volume. Because usually I shampoo my hair. It gets all puffy and bounce and scoopy. Yeah. And I look like a fucking fruitcake. I got to put some product in there. I understand it. Scoopy do.

But this is, you got just volume. And you smell nice. But then I made a mistake. I got home from my wife. I hadn't seen her for days. And I said, you got to smell this shampoo. Give it a whiff. And I forgot that I had put my baseball cap on.

For like 10 hours. And she's like, it smells like the worst thing in my life. So I ruined the fucking super shampoo. But I'm putting on my socks hat. Yeah, that'll do it. Well, you know, they did a test with like Garnier Fructis and what's that other one? Vidal Sassoon. And they compared it to Suave and all the cheap shit.

Yeah. And it was exactly the same. Really? Well, this one's, I'm telling you now. This one is special. This is like, this isn't Paula Mitchell or whatever. This is like. Paula Dean.

That's a bad shampoo. Makes you a racist. Speaking of hair, Michelle Wolfe's got a nice head of fiery red pubes. How about that? I was going to talk about it at the end. I don't want to lose everybody. It's very divisive, this Wolfe business. So let's get in there.

Sure? I've already lost him anyways. Fuck it. Wolfe of Wall Street. Unbelievable. The Big Bad Wolfe. Chocotown, Michelle Wolfe, Correspondence Dinner. Last Saturday night or two Saturdays ago now.

Whenever the hell you're listening to this. Oh, yeah. And I got to tell you, I fucking loved it. It was unreal. She killed it. Rock and roll, baby. Go for it. She's pushing the envelope.

I loved it. It was the coolest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life. It was punk rock. It was fucking awesome. It was hilarious too, by the way. Yes. All these people were so divided right now politically and all these people that are comedy fans are writing to me

being like, oh, you're just saying this because you're friends or you want to open for her or because she's a woman. I'm like, what are you talking about? I'm like, it's fucking hilarious. And if David Tell made all the exact same jokes, she'd be like, this is the best thing that's ever happened. Yeah, yeah. I don't get it.

I mean, the jokes are good. They were cutting. Don't you want to be cutting? That's the whole point. We're the clown in the back of the room. We're going to nail the teacher. That's what we do. So why are people upset?

It was hilarious. It was exactly what she was there for. And it was great. It was also fucking ballsy or lippy, whatever you want to say. Pussy lips. Dicey. Yeah, I don't know. Spicy.

I would not have done it. I see all these people being like, oh, anyone would take that gig. Let me add them. I wouldn't do it in a million years. I was debating with four people online. It was ruining my day. I wanted to fight these people. She's got half the country hating her.

Oh, yeah. The president of the United States is tweeting about our pal, Michelle Wolfe. Unreal. Who you can hear on a live episode on the Patreon page. That's right. Wolf is on there. Wolf is on there.

Yes, we've had her. We knew her back when, folks. She's just a comic just like us. And now she's the talk of the town, the cuck of the roost. And they're trying to destroy her. And I love that all the comics came together and banned together. Oh, yeah. Fuck Dennis Miller right in his cunt.

Yeah, what a twat. What a goof. Just goofy. You're a comedian. Get out of here. A comedian goes on, does a set, and then you post, she's a horrific person. I'm going to write jokes about her four days from now.

Yeah, I can't wait to hear those comparisons and analogies. And then a few people wrote to me, oh, she was kidding. But I'm like, I don't get the joke then. No joke. I don't understand it. Don't her horrid. Yeah, a horrid person. And it's like the old Bill Hicks slide.

You're off the artistic roll call. You're not even, what are you, your comic? Right. I don't understand comics going after comics. I don't get it. And all these people who are on the right who are like, that was way out of line. That was way offensive.

But you're the ones who are always like, you guys are all snowflakes. You can't take a joke. Now you're doing it. How can you not be aware that you're the pussy bitch now? How can you not be, it's so apparent. You're such a hypocrite. But their angle is there being hypocrites too. The left gets mad when Donald Trump does it.

The difference is they keep doing that. We've had that before with us where people are like, you make fun of, you used to talk about Donald Trump, but you call people retards or something like, yeah, I'm not the president. Oh, I see. I see. But yeah, they're acting like they're offended.

Meanwhile, the president is accused of sexually assaulting a woman. He's like, I don't think I would touch that woman. Take a look at her. I mean, he's literally calling her too ugly to rape. To rape, yeah. Which is pretty funny. I like it, but he's the president. She's a comedian.

And then I got a guy writing at me. He's like, if people made fun of Michelle Obama's looks, you'd call him racist. I'm like, DePaul did a five minute chunk about Michelle Obama. I was on the floor every night. I'm not that guy. Also, have you heard our show? We love horrible, just disgusting offensive material.

I know. We're making fun of retards and gays and blacks and white, quite a bit. Yeah, whitey, kid fucking, Jews, you name it. A paraplegic? It's jokes. I like jokes. Yes.

I feel like, I just hate it. I'm like, people, everyone wants to paint everybody into a corner. People are calling me libtard and I'm like, I'm not one of those people. No. I'm not a guy that gets offended by things. Oh, there's that billionaire guy.

Oh, yeah. What's his name again? I think he owns the joint. Kind of or something. Who knows? I don't want to get into it. He goes on stage. He works with Zuckerberg.

Something. Anyways, I thought it was fucking great. I love the wolf and they're going to try to fucking ruin her life, but. Maybe one of the best dinners yet. I was number one to me. Yeah, killer. I mean, Colbert was great.

Norm was up and down, but this one was top notch. And it's fun to know the person doing it. Yeah, it was exciting. And I was talking to her right before, which was exciting. And then right after, and it was exciting. I mean, she was horrified, but just did it. I mean, it was ballsy. It takes a lot of balls and then stuck to her guns,

not apologizing. I fucking love it. It's such a right up everybody's ass. I love it. And she trashed Hillary, the Democrats, the media herself. And that all gets skipped right over. Uh-huh. She acts like she didn't, she didn't make fun of herself

and the Dems. It's fucking ridiculous. Yes, she made fun of her screechy, shrill voice and her lack of tits. Yes. Self-deprecate, folks. And Roseanne can suck my asshole. Oh, the whole point of comedy is to not make fun of

anyone more powerful. What are you kidding? That's comedy. The little guy is shitting on the big guy. That's the whole thing. You fat cunt. Yeah, what a fucking idiot. They just did it.

You just, people get old and they let politics somehow get in the way of these things. I know. And I don't understand it. Like, again, I used Apollo as an example, who's my friend, obviously, but he's saying stuff I don't agree with mostly. I'm fucking on the floor.

He's the funny guy. I like jokes. Not to mention people are like, oh, if you said this, this would be right. I'm like, I like racist jokes too. Love them. Bring them on. Give me a cripple bit.

I'm a fan. What's the difference between a canoe and a Jew? A canoe tips. That's classic. I grew up with that. That's my first words in the crib. Good stuff. And they're fucking jokes, you numbskulls.

How do you stuff a black guy from raping a woman? I don't know. Throw him a basketball. I mean, come on. They're out there. No, that's not bad. Yeah, I love them all. Whatever you got.

Bring them on. All right. This is going to be a 25-minute episode. I didn't write that, folks. That's out there in the ether. Yeah. That's why. How could we wrote that joke?

But anyways, I thought it was great. And this is the other thing. Zero people are offended. None of them are actually offended. They just want to be a news story and go, oh boy, blah, blah, blah, blah. No one's actually offended. Shut up.

You know what they always say. It's only offensive. It only stings if it's true. You know, somebody goes, hey, Joe, you're short. You go, huh? Yeah. But you're not short, so it doesn't sting. But she just told the truth, which they never do,

in politics. And it's stung. And they didn't see it coming. And that's why they're mad. Thank you for not doing a second example. I appreciate it. I had a few. But yeah, it's just, it's all silly.

And it'll blow over. It'll blow over, not for her. They're going to come after her forever now. But her TV show is coming out. By the way, I added about 500 Twitter followers in a day because she had tweeted about my Netflix thing. Go watch the Netflix. We'll call that a little runoff.

Yeah, I got some runoff. It was quite exciting. Hers is almost tripled. She added like a quarter of a million followers. She had 700,000 tweets about her. More people tweeted about Michelle Wolf than live in the city of Boston, Massachusetts. That's exciting.

Pretty wild. So good for her. Yeah. She's a fucking badass. And she's hilarious and works so fucking hard. And just a good friend and a good person. And I love her. And I thought it was so fucking cool.

And it just bums me out that these people that are fans of our podcast, podcast, you're supposed to be a comedy fan. Yes. But because you didn't like, you're a Republican or you're right, you don't like PC or whatever. You're mad at her even. But like, you should love it. Yeah.

It was fucking amazing. Just put down your fucking political bullshit and just be like, here's a woman standing there and making fun of everyone in the room. The ultimate fucking comic, trashing everybody to their fucking face. Yes. And knowing full well that the president's

going to tweet about it. She had to get her fucking like passwords changed because these people are going to try to hack her. Her life has changed forever. But she's like, fuck it. I'm a comedian. I'm doing it. It was fucking pure balls or labias, whatever you want to say.

Major and menorah. Nipples. And I fucking love it. I love Michelle. I love her. And we had a great talk that night and it was emotional and I felt connected and it was beautiful. It was a beautiful thing.

Beautiful thing. We love you, Wolf. And it made comedy meaningful. Yes. It was great. Comedy has an impact. She's a good comic. I don't care what everybody says.

Well, she might be cool, but didn't she your friend? But it wasn't that funny. It was funny. It was awesome. It was ballsy. It was killer. And she's one of the better comics working. Go check out her special.

She's a beast. She's a killer. It was great. You all suck. But we loved it and so, yeah. I mean, more people have been supported than not. Right. That's a few gay eggs.

Bad eggs and she's a lot better than most of the comics that other people enjoy. Suck my dick. Fluffy sucks. All right. Who's fluffy? The fat guy. Paula Poundstone?

Galatius. Galatius. That's the fluff. How about this? Nice guy. I never met him. Paula Poundstone, who's great. She's still selling theater.

She's doing theaters in Tacoma. Come on. I don't mean to be, I'm not taking away from her as a con. I think she's great. But how is she still selling theater tickets in Tacoma? Like, what has she been on? How has people know her still? Are they that?

I don't know. They just remember her from 30 years ago? Maybe they're that far behind in like the media. I was like blown away by that. I'm like, that's unbelievable. Well, women have it hard. Wow. I'm not trying to, whatever.

No, I don't know. I'm shocked too. But she doesn't have a show. She doesn't have a special. I don't think. She hasn't been on like the Tonight Show in a while. Has she? No.

Not even the night show really sell tickets anyways. Yeah. That is true. Maybe her HBO show or special just plays. I guess. It's just amazing. It's like Jakob Smirnoff. He's not selling out.

Is he? No. But she's better than he was. I'm just saying like I'm just naming comics from the 80s. Yeah. No, it's true. That's shocking. Yeah.

So she was like a molester. So maybe that kept her in the news a bit. There was something about, yeah, something about kids. I don't know the whole story. She fucked a couple. She adopted a bunch of kids and fingered half of them. I can't remember. I don't remember either.

Don't finger all your eggs in one batch. All right. Anyways, you got some notes of that. The other thing you're ready to rock over there. This is a hum and a ding. Hit me with it. And speaking of being offended, I'm in the doghouse comedically here. Uh-oh.

What happened? Nelly. Well, so a friend of mine works at a school in New York and she's a comic. I'm not going to say her name. But she was like, hey, I'm putting on a show for the theater department to help raise funds for the school. I go, oh, cool. She goes, will you do it?

It's at like five in the afternoon. And it'll be at a theater and the school will be packed. It'll be fun. I go, eh, fuck it. Five in the afternoon. I got nothing else going on. Pack theater in the city. I'm down.

Great. So I show up and other people are on the show and, you know, like Nori Davis and all these people. So the people I know, I go up. Killer, fun. These kids are like, you know, it was called the, I don't want to say the name of the school, but I'm making fun of the name of the school. And they're just like, you know, when kids hear a joke, they can't believe how ballsy

you're being. They're like, oh my God. He said that shit. You know? Yeah. And I was like, I had a one night stand the other night and they're like, oh, shit. Oh, shit. It was like a, it was a predominantly black school.

Sounds like a black school. They were doing cartwheels and going nuts and, you know, high-fiving each other and hand hands. And I was killing and I'm in, I'm in a zone, baby. And I see, I don't want to say too much because I'm worried this person will hear. Okay. But I see a gal alone and she's a little older, you know, she's like not a student. I didn't think.

Oh, okay. So I say something to her. I make a sexual innuendo thing. Wait, what age is the school? Well, hang on now. Getting there, Fetty. Okay. So, you know, it's a college.

We'll say that. Oh, it's a college. Yeah. Oh. All right. There was no finger paintings, but they was fingering. So, I start talking to this gal and people would like hand over the mouth like, oh, shit, I can't believe it.

You know, they're going nuts. And all's well that ends well. Have a good set. I hug the teacher. I get off stage. I go home. I took some, there's a couple of Tuesdays there, mind you. What?

These kids are little. Tuesdays. I'm all confused. What do you mean little kids? Well, it's a high school. It's a middle school. What are you talking about? So I get home a couple hours later, 18 million emails.

And the girl, you know, the friend of mine was like, oh, man, I'm about to get fired. You went too far. The teachers are furious. The principal's involved. The dean's involved. Oh, shit. I was like, oh boy, why? And she's like, well, you did come into a high school.

And then I was like, high school? I thought it was a college. I see. I didn't know there were high school gigs. I thought it was a college gig. So I'm shucking and jiving over here talking about labias and anals and cucks. And it wasn't great. I gotta tell you, I was a little confused because the way you set it up, I thought it was an

elementary school. No. You said these kids. Oh, what kids? You said I'm in a school. These kids. College kids, I thought. Oh, I got you.

All right. I was picturing like you're doing a charity for children. Oh, no, no. I mean, these were of age. They had pubes. Oh, OK. I checked. So I thought I was like, I thought it was a college.

She's like, you did? I was like, yeah. I mean, I just figure who does a high school gig. I've never heard of that. It's a college gig. So she was like, oh, well, this woman, the girl I made fun of in the front row or not even made fun. I made a pass at, a joking pass at.

Oh, boy. She was a high school girl. I thought it was like a college chick. Oh, boy. What grade? Uh, sophomore, I think. Oh, my God. Maybe junior if I'm stretching.

So she is just like mouth on the floor freaking out. And apparently she tells her mom. Her mom's one of these, you know, crazy helicopter cunts or whatever you call them. Her mom's from your age. Interesting. Well, it's a fun, how you, how'd you meet story? I tried to fuck her kid. So the mom is emailing the friend of mine like, hey, you better, uh, you better get

this, this comedian on the phone. He's, uh, he's in a lot of hot water right now. And she was like, all right, all right. And so she, I don't want to hurt lose her job. You know, it was my fault. So I go, look, I'll just apologize place. You got all these me too shit floating around. You got times up.

You don't, you don't want to be on the other end of this. That's a big me too. Big salami out there. So I go, yeah, yeah, whatever it takes. I'll give me her email. I'll write a nice, fat, juicy bullshit thing. And she was like, nah, she wants to do it in person. She said it's in person or nothing.

I go, what? What's the difference? Sounds like she wants to bang. Well, I go, what's the point of having in person? You know, it's silly. And she, she's like, I don't know. That's how she wants it. And I go, tell her I live in LA.

Ooh. You know, just tell her I'm on out of town comic. I just happened to be in New York. She's like, all right, I'll try that. So she tells her that. And the woman goes, eh, all right, FaceTime. And I was like, FaceTime, what is the deal? What's the difference?

Why can't I just write this email and be done with my life? And she goes, she wants to see the look in your eye. What? She wants to see the sorrow. What, is she a witch? Apparently. We should burn her. What's here?

What is that? Yes. That's a power move. That's narcissism is what that is. I want him to, I want him to feel it. Hmm. Sick, sick, witch, warlock, skank. Sick.

Title. Uh, so I'm like, oh my God. So now I'm just like, give me the lady's number. So I'm texting with the lady, with the mom. And she's like, all these long, like my daughter is different now and things have changed. She's all hymened up and it's bleeding and all this show. I'm like, oh my God.

How weak are we? How sensitive? I made a joke to a student. So. But why would you, why would someone book you for a high school show? Doesn't it seem familiar with your act? Apparently. Well, you know, the credits would, would, would state that I could do it.

Tonight's show. Conan Colbert. These are TV shows. Although I did all the material from the TV. Yeah. I mean, they're, you know. Yeah. Get a high school act.

Get a fucking balloon person or something. Well, she's a solid comic who knows solid comics. So I guess she was like, I booked people I know. I don't know. I guess. She should have given me a, like a, give me a list of what I can and can't do. But there was no list. It was just like, hey, just don't go nuts up there and I'll take Jizz and anal, you know,

your act. I was like, all right. So I didn't do any of that. Still. So now I set a time with this woman. I'm like, well, I'm on the road a lot. I'm in and out in California here. You're actually going to go meet this woman?

Well, I, the FaceTime. We compromised. Oh my God. So God, I hope she never hears this or else I'm fucked. The mother? Yes. Or the daughter. Or the daughter.

Or the dad. Whoever. I'm sure he's flew in the coop. But so we set up a time and I go, all right, we'll do it at this time on whatever. So I forget all about it. A couple of days go by and she's texting. I look at my phone. I have like six texts like, we're waiting.

Hello. Are you doing? I was like, oh shit. I forgot all about it. So I just called her right then. I was on the sidewalk in my neighborhood. Oh my God. I just, I got the phone held up to my face like a weirdo going, oh, and it's her and the

daughter. I'm like, I'm so sorry. I was way over the line. I hate myself. I'm gay. You suck. We all suck. The daughter's on the phone too.

Both of them. I'm looking at both of them. The daughter was so traumatized. I know. It's all bullshit. It's all bullshit. It's all power moves. It's all suck my dick a little.

Get down and kiss the ring. You've come guzzling Nazi. That's it. So I did it. And I'm, people are walking by with groceries and holding the dog going, look at this pussy. What the hell's going on here? And I'm looking at my phone. I got my little dumb face in the corner, you know, FaceTiming.

And then they're on like a couch with a shawl and a nightgown and a candle. They're holding a tea with two hands. It was brutal. Oh. So I had to do it. You could have said no. Can't you go nah. I'm not going to do that.

Sorry. The girl would get fired. The girl would get fired. My friend. Oh. I'm doing this for her. I fucked her. And I'm trying to keep it, you know.

I fucked her. That's how you hit the gig. I screwed her in the deal. So I'm trying to keep it. What's the word? You know. Nice. What is the French word here?

Oh. Sympodico. Oh. Which I think is Italian. Crisant. Yeah, so I had to get that out. Wow. That was a good deal, Fetty.

So it was a good looking high school girl. She was cute. Yeah. But I thought she was, you know, 22, 23. She was sitting alone. She's very mature, you know. She had a mustache. Right.

So. How was the mother? Attractive. It was hard to get a read from the screen. But she looked, you know, milfy. So how did the call actually go? What happened? How long a call?

What'd you say? About eight minutes, you know. It was just, I go, hello. And they go, thanks for doing this. We've been through a lot. It's been a tough weekend. They're sitting there on a couch, literally. What?

And they were stroking a cat. And they're like, yeah, yeah. She has class in about a half hour. So we want to knock this out. We know you're a comedian. We have great sense. They always say that. We have a great sense of humor.

We love comedy. Shut the fuck up. You don't know shit about comedy. And just because something affects your life personally, then it's a fucking monstrosity. That's not how it works. Very silly. They hear this.

I'm screwed. I'm toast. But, yeah. I don't think they'll listen. They don't seem like podcast people. I hope not. Who knows? Well, so I got it over with.

And it went against everything I stood for, but I was like, I have to just do this and knock it out because I don't want this hanging on my asshole. So how did that? What did she say? Did she say, OK, we forgive you? She said, thanks. And I really, I could tell when I was apologizing

because I started out by going like, yeah, you know, sorry. I shouldn't have done it. I went over the line, across the line, you know, not everyone is a lunatic like me. And they were kind of going, uh-huh. They wanted me to grovel. That's what they wanted. So I groveled a little bit.

And then they were like, OK, that works. Take it easy. Sand and grovel. Yes. So that was it. Wow. That is trying. Trying.

I like that. That's a fun word. I'm trying. Yeah. To do better. I appreciate it. So yeah, that was it. And then I jumped on a train and went to Baltimore

for a road gig. Baltimore on. Yeah. How about this? Baltimore has Baltimore Penn Station, which is already confusing. Yeah. There's Pennsylvania, Penn Station in New York,

and Baltimore Penn Station. There's a lot of Penn Stations. Newark Penn Station. Newark. There's the Pennsylvania Railroad. Aha. Yes. And number two, pencil.

Yes. It's all over the road. So I go to, and there's BWI, which is the Baltimore Airport Station. Yes. So I get on the Amtrak there, which I love the Amtrak. Love it.

I love a burger and a cocktail. There's some hot women ride the train, which is nice. Hot women. You get your iPod going. That's great. You're looking out the window scenic. New England. Is that New England?

Nope. All right. No, not New England. Northeast? It's the Northeast. Sure. Yeah. All right.

I'll take it. Yeah. So I'm trucking down, and I see, I'm dozing. I'm dozing in and out, you know? Yeah. Here we go. Like a Cosby fan. And then, boom!

Baltimore Station. I go, ah! I close my laptop. I kick that fucking tray. Trey. I kick the tray up, grab my bag, and I got the away bag. I'm off the duff.

Oh, love that away bag. Get yourself an away bag, you fucking idiot. I got the away suitcase. Thank you, away. They sent it to me. I'm all duffel. And I have some qualms. I prefer duff in certain areas,

but this away is killer. It's got the combination lock. It's got the USB port. It's got like folds and fluffs and flaps and laundry bag and all this good stuff. What's the deal we got? I'm going to get one because I bought two bags at Discounts and Deals.

A story of 35 bucks each and it's a piece that you get what you pay for. That's a steal. It's a steal, but it stinks. The wheels don't work properly. It's too light. There's no handle on the side. It's a piece of garbage.

Oh, no handle on the side. Yeah. Yeah, the away, they thought of everything and it really fluffs. It smushes well and it's so light and you can throw it out of a moving monster truck and it would be fine. All right, I'm going to get one.

All right, well you can use mine. It's the suitcase, Tuesday. What are we going to? Split a suitcase? Yeah. That doesn't make sense. That'll be fun. We're going to split a woman.

Well, we can do that too. But I said we put a bunch of stickers on it, you know, make it like an old trunk. Oh, fun. Yeah. Like George Bailey. Aha. But he never got to go anywhere.

You got that right. He died. Poor guy. He lived. Oh, yeah. Didn't he die? I mean, eventually he must have died, but he lives in the end.

I thought he died or was he unconscious? How did he see the future? We talked about it. But he made a wish. I made a wish. Yeah. He was in the water. He falls in the water.

He tries to kill himself. Oh, that was it. He jumps in the water. The water's cold. And then, you know, Clarence saves him. And he sees his past and his life or his future, whatever, without him. And then he's fine.

But he was out for a minute. He's not really out. I mean, he jumps in the water. And then he continues to live. But he's living in the alternative universe. Aha. Okay. And he's not even living in the alternative

after he says, not a bad idea. God or whatever. Oh, yeah. Yeah. He jumps in the water. It's really weird because he thinks he's going to kill himself, but then he just jumps into the water. But the water, he survives the jump.

It's not that far. Yeah. Get a handgun. I guess he was going to drown himself. Well, handguns are hard to come by. Oh. I don't know. It was the 40s.

Yeah. Not as hard back then. Yeah. They had a handgun just to turn off the lights. All right. Either way, go get them Bailey. But, yeah, so, loving, loving the away, thanks away. And I'm not off duff yet, but the away's pretty solid.

I hate the rolling. And then you got to grow up some stairs. You got to put that handle down and grab the other handle and carry it. I like how the duff is attached to you. It's on your shoulder. I guess. But that's me.

All right. So you get on the train, you get to the train station. You kick off the train. I kick off the train. I jump out at Baltimore and I go, whew, that was close. Jesus Christ. I go outside and the guys text me, hey, the driver's outside waiting for you.

I'm looking around, text back, what's he driving? Chrysler 300. I don't see a Chrysler 300. So I go around the other side of the station. This whole thing takes 15, 20 minutes. And then I just go, fuck it. I call the guy. He goes, I'm at the station.

He's at BWI. Wrong Baltimore station. I got on the wrong station. Oh, suck dicks on a Tuesday. Yeah, he's like, all right, I'll come get you. But it's going to be about an hour. I go, ah, fuck. Oh my God, an hour.

It's a traffic. I always land in rush hour. Every time. I don't know why I do that. So he comes an hour. So I get to the hotel just in time to take a quick douche, a rinse, and a shit, and then run over to the club. Magoobies.

I like Magoobies. Good club. My opener. Andy Klein. Killer. You know this kid? No, it's a classic comedy name, though. Andy Klein.

Not a Jew. He hopes for the show in the 70s. Yeah. No Jew. Half Iranian. Killer act. Just a DC staple. Lived in New York for a while.

Opened. Opened. Used to open for Burr. Passed at the cellar. Just that old story of like just went back to home and got married. The whole thing. But killer jokes. Smart.

I think he's the best comic in DC. Opened for a Chappelle. He was like the DC improv's guy. You know, he opened for like, you know, Robert Schimel and all these people. Greg Proups, you know. Wow. He's got some great stories. He's got a great Burr story that's blew my mind.

But great guy. He's there. We hang out. He's one of those guys. I'm a comedy nerd encyclopedia. I can talk comedy for eight hours. And we would stand outside. You know, you end up just like, you know, we've been standing on the sidewalk for about three

and a half hours talking comedy. Oh, that's fun. It's one of those. And so we're standing there. The show's over. Rough show on Thursday. We're standing there. Me and him talking.

This big black guy comes up. Huge guy. Probably six, five. And he just, and I go, oh boy, here we go. Like, what's he going to want? And he goes, ah, sorry to bother you guys. Who runs this place? And we go, oh, they're all closed up.

And he goes, shit, my car's broken down. I need to jump. Oh. And so we're thinking, well, we don't want to be involved in this. Is this an old trick that you need to jump? We go back to your car. You hit us with a sack of nickels and we go down. Oh boy.

And we were raped, anally. So we go, ah, I don't know. And then we start talking to the guy. And we realize, ah, he's a good egg. So we go jump him. Oh, wow. We jump. We walk like, we walk five blocks about, then jump this guy.

And it was kind of fun. I haven't jumped. The jump felt like a relic from the past. When was the last time you jumped a guy? It's been a while, but he jumped as a double meaning. Yeah. He sort of jumped someone. That means, like, you jumped out and beat him up.

Right. I got jumped. But that was, this was a positive jump. You gave him a jump. We gave him a jump. We gave him a jump. We didn't jump him. You jumped his car.

Yeah. The car got fucked. Yeah, yeah. You got to, I haven't, I haven't given someone a jump in quite a while. It feels good. You got the black on the black, the red on the positive. Everybody wins. Well, here's the thing.

I haven't done it in a while because I don't have a car. So that makes sense. It's harder to do if you don't have a car. Yeah. What are you going to put it on your asshole and a ball sack? Well, you get some farts going. You might be able to start a car. That's true.

But it's fun. You know, you click into the sparks go. Yeah. It's exciting. Is that danger of, are you going to die? If you touch the wrong thing, your asshole falls out. Right. And it's got that macho vibe again, where you go, no, no, you put the red on the pot

and the red's negative. No, I think red's positive. Trust me, I've been jumping my whole life. You don't win all that bullshit. That's fun. Yeah. Then you hear that car get back to life. Yeah, it's exciting.

It feels good. It feels good. It's very American. You feel like a man. Yes. Couple of men. And, oh God, met with movie guy. I don't know what that means.

Oh, oh, this guy came out. He lives in DC. He wants to put me in a movie. Oh, wow. How about this? They're going to put me in a movie. So I meet the director. It's like a low-budget indie film.

15-day shoot. Decent paycheck. Nice. But it's one of these movies no one will ever see. This guy's made commercials his whole life. Film guy, film student, cool guy, director. And he's like, I saw you in the New York Times. And I said, this guy would be perfect for my movie.

So I'm the lead. I'm in every scene. What? You're a lead in a movie? This is amazing. Act. Wow. He's going all off look.

When do you shoot? I think September. That's thrilling. It's thrilling. No one's going to see it. It won't make theaters. But I'll have a reel. You'll be in a movie.

I'll be in a movie. All I got to do is act naturally. Yes, fake it till you make it. I always like Ringo's songs the best, by the way. Really? Yeah, I love it. Act naturally. Octopus is garden.

Help from my friends. The other one. Yeah, all right. That counts. They're fun. He was the runt. He was the runt of the group. He had a fishing bag.

I guess so. But he had a great nose and could really drum. I enjoyed his songs. I think he was a weird looking guy and he was replaced. Or he replaced the other guy. He replaced me, yeah. Pete Best? Pete Best was in there.

I think there was another dude. Pete Best, there was Stu Sutcliffe or something like that too. Pete Best, there was a five person band and they left. Then he came in. All right. But I also love Don't Pass Me By. Don't Make Me Cry. Don't Let It Blue.

Yeah. White Album. That must have been tough because he was just the weirdo in the corner. And then he's like, hey guys, I made my own song. And they have to read it and go, all right, we'll give it a shot. But they were all hits. They were all fun. All right.

Well, good for Ringo. He's the last living. No, wait. McCartney's alive. McCartney's alive and well. All right. We talked about it right in this room. Oh, that's right.

He's a sir. Sir Paul. You've hung out with a sir. Yeah, I did. Nighted. And I asserted myself. Aha. And you ate a cert.

Are those still around? I think so. I think that. I never got into certs. I got into smits. Smits. But those are gone. That little blue thing.

Yes. You push a button and it popped out like a pez almost. It was an adult pez. It was similar to a pez. Yes. I used to have them all the time in high school. I ate like 10 of them. Wow.

They were fun. I'd stick them in my gums and not my nostril and in my pee hole. Good time. Whoa, that's got a sting right in the erythra. Mm-hmm, frankly. Aha. So yeah, I met with the movie guy. That went well.

And then Chris Allen shows up. My old pal, Chris Allen, he shows up with three other comics. Oh, wow. So there's four knuckleheads running around Baltimore or Timonium, I should say. Was he giving them wedges and pinching their nipples? The whole thing. A lot of ball busting, a lot of headlocks, a lot of a goose in an oil check. So we had a great time.

Nice. One of the kids is 19. You forget. Chris is 48. He's hanging out with a 19-year-old Jewish kid. It's so funny seeing these two idiots together. He's about to retiree. Yes.

He's been in the military longer than that guy's been alive. Wow. Isn't that wacky? That's something. Usha Umar. Sorry. Umar, he's a Pakistani. Oh, wow.

He's been fighting this kid since he was born. Yeah. He's ISIS. So he's a good egg. So we get to the club. You can tell the owner's like, oh, jeez, because you look in the green room. It looks like a fucking, you know, nut house. I'm doing a handstand.

Chris Allen is jerking me off. Umar is blowing him. And the whole thing, just fun. Just jumping on a couch, punch each other in the gut. And the owner's like, hello. Hey, what's going on here? We're like, oh, I know all these guys. And he goes, oh, jeez.

All right. Well, the host is late. And I go, the host is late. And he goes, yeah, the host hasn't shown up yet. The show starts in one minute. So we go, Umar, do a set. You got a host. And he's like, oh, my God.

All right. He's just like a local Baltimore guy. I don't even know if he's past there. So he gets to do a set. He's thrilled. Wow. Umar. Let's give Chris Allen a guess set.

He does a guess set. It was Andy Klein feature. It was a hot show. Hot show. Everybody got on. Not a way, Umar. Umar Epps. I don't want to hog too much here.

I don't want to cut you off. I haven't even started yet. All right. All right. We'll finish your story. I'll just finish. It's not even a story. I'm just recapping.

Oh, all right. So we mixed it up. We had a great time. And that was Friday night at in Baltimore. And I got a wacky one, but you go. All right. By the way, how about the fellow that called Chris Allen a nigg? On my Instagram?

Oh, I forgot about a nigg face. Casually, Insta, publicly calling a black guy. He doesn't know the N word. I know on Instagram. Very odd. And then he doubled down on it too. Yeah. We both kind of attacked him.

I was like, go over to Kumi and network. You're weird. Oh, he's our friend. Get out of here. I had to block the guy. Yeah. Then you blocked him. I can't have it.

There you go. I got the two of them commiserating at my house. I can't have it. I hope not. What a bold move. And then I got Chris Allen trying to give me like a little zinger. And he's like, you're not even funny. It was weird because the guy was like standing up for me.

Yes. And he was like, Joe doesn't need this negativity in his life. You nigg. Yeah. And I was like, it's weird to see somebody. I wrote this on my wall, but it's weird to see someone be like anti negativity. And then call a person the n-word. That's what I said in my comment.

You're the negative one. You brought in the worst word ever. Very strange. But I mean, he abbreviated, I guess, but he left off the gur. I think the abbreviated makes it worse because it seems like he's casual with it. He's like fast and loose with it. Yeah. And then he threw Lewis Gomez under the bus.

He was like, hey, I'm like Lewis over here. I'm like, all right. Yeah. But anyways, yeah. If you're listening, go ahead and not throw the n-word out on my Instagram. That would be ideal. I mean, if you want to email it to us or whatever. Sure.

Make a meme. Go nuts, a video. But don't do it to one of our friends. Yeah. I mean, I'm sure. What was that? Trying to get show. Is there any water around?

Oh, water. All this n-word talks got me a dry mouth. Anyways. Sorry. I wasn't sure what was going on. You were flapping your wings over there. I was trying to get Shelby's lips off my feet. There we go.

We got Marco water. But anyways, yeah, and I'm sure the guy's a fan and keep being a fan, but I can't have people write and call my friends the n-word. No. I mean, people are perusing Michelle Wolf's Twitter to try to get her fired. You got the n-word right in plain sight. Yeah. Particularly black friends.

If you want to call, you know, my wife, the n-word, whatever, but- She's into it. Is she ever? I had a hood on the other day. We had anal. Oh. Well, you're uncircumcised? Anywho.

Clitoral hood. How about this? Speaking of my wife. I go to get my laundry at the laundry place. That makes sense. Yeah. And the lady there knows it. She's very cute.

She's adorable. She barely speaks English, but she's kind of hot. Asian or Spaniard? Asian. Ah-ha. Chinese, I think. Oh, the best kind. I can't be sure.

But I mean, odds are there's so many Chinese. It's probably Chinese. I think the Vietnamese fuck with the linens. I'm just saying in general, if someone's an Asian, like, there's a good chance that Chinese because- Oh, right. The odds. There's a six billion of them.

Sure is a lot. Not much. It's hard for them to leave. I think that's Korea. That's North Korea. Ah-ha. But the communism, there's something there with the communism. Yeah.

I'm not sure how it works. Mao. Mm-hmm. He was somebody. Yeah. Played for the Rockets. Anyways. The Rockets.

I went in there. I went in there and I pick up my laundry and the lady goes, oh, I know your wife. Your laundry too. This is what she sounds like, folks. I'm not trying to be disrespectful. Sure. That was a good Asian. She said, you know, your wife.

And she said, ah, your wife laundry, you want that? I picked that up too. She goes, no, you don't have to pick up. But there are your pants. She pulls out a pair of man pants that don't belong to me. Like boxers or like shorts? No, man pants. Pants that belong to a man.

Like jeans. The pants of a man. Man pants. Got it. A man. She pulls out man pants with like, you know, bedazzled butt and like the designed douche jeans. Ah, yes. She's like, are these yours?

They're in your wife's laundry. She's like, my wife's fucking some piece of shit. Yeah, she's fucking a Ed Hardy cock. And I was like, wow, she's in big trouble because those aren't my pants. And he's like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's all. They left the machine. They left the machine.

But she knows our clothes. That's funny. I was like, no, no, no. That's no excuse. I'm going to get her. And she's like, oh, please, no. And she started, she got really upset. And I was like, I'm only kidding.

I'm joking. They're not mine. And they're not my wife's. In her hometown, they kill the women. Yeah, they probably drag them out in the street and stone them or whatever. Exactly. Or chopstick them. Stone them as a town in Massachusetts.

Kevin Knox. Hey. He's funny. Knock before you enter. But anyways, so I got a pair of man pants in my laundry. But that would be the worst way to find out your wife's cheating. It was like a classic scene. Right.

Where she's like, here's your clothes. And I'm like, these aren't mine. Yeah. But I don't think my wife would cheat with some sort of weird bedazzling. You know those bad jeans? Just sitting like acid wash with like white lines on the box. Yes. What are you doing?

Where's that? That's the same guy with the dragon shirt or the weird graphic button down shirt. What are you doing? You loser. But here's the thing. You're fool. The women fuck them. This is what bums me out.

Women, if you're listening, I know there's a lot of women listening to the show. Stop fucking the guys with the Ed Hardy. Yeah. With the big eagle wings on their shirt. Right. Like a tiger on the back. What do you grow up? Yeah, they're mean and they wear silly jeans.

There's always a weird facial hair thing going or like an earring and spiky shit in their hair. Yeah. Don't fuck them. Fuck us. Well, don't fuck me or him. But fuck Shelby. Fuck Shelby's gonna girl too.

Well, fuck hair. Fuck funny comics who wear t-shirts. Yeah. Fuck somebody. But here's the thing. You gotta realize, or I gotta realize, I'm telling myself, these ladies are those guys' lady version. So if a guy is like that, there's gonna be a woman like that and they have to co-mingle.

But sometimes they're sweet people. Like you date a girl and you're like, you dated that guy? Yeah. Like, oh, I don't know what I was thinking. That's true. They have like an image of that's what it's supposed to be or something like that. The bad boy. Yeah.

Those guys are cocks and losers. Yeah. Be with a good boy. Cousers. What's wrong with a good boy? Yeah. Someone who's nice. Well, they're turned on by the bad.

Well, be with whoever treats you well, whatever. Yeah. Well, I was out in the Pacific Northwest and great, great trip out there. Like I said, I got family out there. I got Derek and his wife and his kids and his son has the same name as me. It's quite a thrill. That's cute. Lister Joe.

Joe. All right. I'm calling Joey. Oh, that's cute. It was a fun gag every time we got spoken to. I'd react. I went through the whole weekend. Like Joey, put that down.

I'm like, I'm just eating a sandwich. That's fun. That's good. Fun gag. I was out in Tacoma. Great club. Tacoma Comedy Club. Oh, yeah.

If you're out there in that area, go support the club. It's a great club. Big room. But boy, yeah. It is a big room. It's a little tough because it's got the high ceilings and the late show. I really had a tough go of it and I had a few fans there. I want to apologize to the fans.

You saw a tough show. Friday early was pretty good. Yeah. Good show. Uh-huh. But some of these shows, the people that get drunk and they start yelling out, I'm going, oh boy, I was trying to go vegetarian for three days. Did you lose weight?

I'm like, I'm going to cover that, you fucking bitch. Shut up. Shut up, whore. Shut up. Yeah, they get drunk. They day-drink out there and the weather's nice and they go to a brewery and pound it. Yeah, it was kind of tough in and out. So then I try to sell my album after the show and the guy's Zoltan.

Do you ever meet Zoltan? He's a San Diego comic. Sounds hot. He's very hot. Sounds robotic. Long hair, going through a divorce, he's very tan, chiseled jaw, very sexy man. And he killed, killer act. I think that was the fortune teller in big.

That's Zoltar. Ah. I kept confusing because I have a friend named Zoran. Oh, gee, what are you, friends with futuristic aliens? I got every z-name. I got dated a Zeus for a while. Wow. Yeah.

Damn, he's hot. Yeah, sexy guy. But anyway, Zoltan was just killing all weekend and it was one of those ones where you felt like everyone liked him better. It was really, it was kind of bumming me out. Ah, I've been there. Yeah, what can you do? Yeah, you can get better.

Well, he was killer. I mean, he really killed and you're like, fucking, hey, geez. Yeah. And the MC was a big fan of ours. Casey, how about this? The MC has been doing, listening to our podcast since before he started doing comedy. Wow. That's how he got on this podcast been around.

There's working comedians that started after our podcast. Yeah. Oh my God, we got to step it up. What do you mean? Wow. That doesn't make sense. I'm saying we've been doing a pod as long as this guy, before this guy's been doing comedy and he's already on the same show as us.

Oh, he's MCing. We're doing fine. All right, all right, all right. Our fans out there, Patreon. Get on it. I got worried. Patreon. But he was great.

It was a great show all the way through. Everyone, just nice guys hanging out. But how about this? So we're selling our albums. Zoltan's selling a CD. I'm selling a download. It's kind of a fun juxtaposition of like, which one is more popular, a CD or a download. But it's hard to say because, you know, there's different tastes as well.

Sure. I guess a better experiment would be if I sold a digital version and a CD version of the same album. That would be the best way to test it. There you go. But anyways, I had this woman come up and I know women hate when this happens to them and happens to them a lot, happens to them way more than happens to men. The woman came up to me.

First of all, I hate when people do this. They look at your album, just if you're going to buy an album, just go up, buy the album or don't buy the album. Oh yeah. These people that do this thing, they get a little bit of power. They'll pick up your CD or your download card. They'll look at it, then they flip it, look at the back, then they look at the front again, then they kind of weigh it, they smell it, and I'm like, just buy it or don't buy

it. What are you going to read that's going to change your mind? Oh, yoga. I don't know. Never mind. Forget it. Produced by Shelby Wong. I don't want this thing.

I don't know your last name. He's Asian. Was I right or wrong? Hey. But anyways, she does that for like five minutes, she goes, I want to buy it, but you've got a smile more. Wow. David, you've got a smile.

What? Which, by the way, is considered like rape now, like the female good point. It's like. That's harassment. It's really shitty, and I get it that women hate it, because Sarah will get it, and I'm on the same team or the team, I support the fucking anti, you've got a smile more. Because. I did that, which was frustrating.

And then she goes, I just hate unhappy people, which I want to go, you know what, take my album away. I'm happier than you. I'm the happiest guy out here. Yes. I'm doing very well. You're making me unhappy. That's what I was going to say.

Exactly. Once you leave, I'll be happy again. You suck. Right. You're shitty, and you're doing this long, extended thing. She didn't have to buy the album, so I got the 10 bucks, which is nice. Good. But I'm like, fuck you, you suck.

You're unhappy. You're overweight. You live in Tacoma. You're wearing cowboy boots. Get real. Get lost. Get lost. Get lost.

Move your shoes. Get lost. Move your shoes. That is brutal. It's really frustrating. She said she hated me, basically. Yeah, and she's basically saying, I bother everybody, but I don't like people who are bothered by me.

Yeah, it was really annoying. She's like, you need to smile and I hate you. So I hated that woman, and you're like, we appreciate the support. So if you want to buy the album, come up and go, ah, I'll take an album. Like, I try to buy a musician's albums and support, I like supporting artists, but you don't just look at, ah, let me, nah, it's just very bizarre. She made you dance a little, is what she did. Yeah, well, I appreciate the Tuesdays that came out, and then I went to Spokane, Derek

drove me, we drove through the past, the Issaquami, Soxami, whatever the fuck, Beth, I drive to Seattle, Tacoma, it's beautiful, you drive up through the snow, and it's all raining, you're driving through the clouds, and there's like 10 feet of snow still. Wow. It's so crazy, and then you get through the pass, and now you're out in like, it feels like the Midwest is like these fluorescent green rolling hills. I've never been to Eastern Washington before. Yeah.

We drove all the way out to Spokane, and we went up to Gonzaga, it's Spokane and Gonzaga, not Gonzaga, not Spokane, they're very serious about these two things. It's like saying the N-word. Gonzaga, Spokane. Got it. So I drove all the way out there, it was just a beautiful, beautiful ride, I mean, what a beautiful country, it's magical, there's flowers and rolling hills and all this stuff, we stopped in all the little towns, very exciting, Spokane was beautiful, we walked around campus,

we came upon a college soccer match, women's, an hour talking, and boy, it was really exciting, I mean, Gonzaga was just killing, they were playing SPU, Southern Penis University, probably, but they were killing, it was like five, nothing, we walked around, then we saw baseball practice, that was fun, it was like a little batting practice, we watched that for about an hour, great times, great show, one killer show in Spokane, second one was work, they were good, but it was, yeah, that's another bit, that's like a warehouse. Huge room, but cool, I like that the stage is a little smaller, it's a little more intimate. And how about that green room, every drawer, there's a chest of drawers with about 20 drawers

and every drawer is filled with a different kind of candy. And a recliner, big leather recliner, big TV in there, killer, packed for early show, second show was pretty full too, and they were good, we had a few Tuesdays come out there and we got to spread the word for God's sake, spread your pussy lips and get the people listening. Yeah, I love a pussy lip. By the way, we're almost at $2,000 on the Patreon, get in there and push us over the limit, over the top.

Yes, we're right there, just a little nudge, folks, tell a friend, get a gay, tell the Jews, we're right there on the edge. Couple people, we got another live episode, we recorded one yesterday, that was killer, and it's gonna be up on the Patreon, probably what, tomorrow, Thursday, when's it going up? A couple days, one day, two days, three days, it'll be up there, we had Nicky Glazer and Yannis. Yannis, Papas.

I will go out on a limb here, I've seen a lot of live pods of my day, I think we can hold a candle with the best of them. Best of them, folks. Killer stuff, now I got this tail to weave. Alright, weave a tail. But it's gonna go right up to the hour here. Alright, go get it going. Feel free to digress and chime in, it is on me.

Alright, I will come over your sister. So, we do two shows, Friday Early, Friday Late, Umar, Chris Allen, Big Al, Paige, these are the people we're with, and Andy Klein, so this seven of us, yeah, seven of us, and we go, alright, well he's 19, but we wanna keep the high going, we wanna keep going out, so I go, I'd like to have a cocktail or two, he doesn't drink, he's 19, we can't go to a bar, so I go, let's go to a diner, and one of them goes, there's Towson Diner, Towson, not Townsend, as I've been saying, that's the university there, but it's like a little town in Maryland, so let's go to Towson Diner, it's 24 hours, so we go, sure,

so we all pile in the cars, we head on out there, it's like a 15 minute drive, we get to this old classic diner, neon lights, you know, the metal metallic outside, and we get the biggest boost they got, baby, and we just be shucking and jiving, yucking it up, having a great time laughing, howling, cracking joke, busting balls, and there's a couple people in there eating, milling about, but it's pretty dead, and so one guy, I can't remember who tells a joke, and it bombs, and it bombs so bad, as a goof, Chris Allen's on the edge of the diner seat, and just falls off, like to die, like, whoo, yeah, that's fun, and it killed, it was a great gag, he hit the floor, it was so funny, and these two guys

are about 10 feet away from us in a table, a two top, they're dressed to the nines, three piece suit, pocket square, vest, the whole thing, two black guys, just well dressed, they see him do that fall, and they just shake their head, like, oh, they thought he was like an Uncle Tom, exactly, they thought he was coonin' for the man, which I didn't catch that, Chris had to point that out later, Andy pointed out, somebody pointed out, and I was like, oh, I didn't even notice that, that's a good point, cuz you know, he was the only black amongst all the whitey, and Umar, and Umar, who's Pakistani, we haven't forgotten, Big Brown, so, you know, whatever, and I go, I think those guys are really a

mean stink guy in us, they're givin' us the crook eye, the evil eye, and we're all like, yeah, yeah, fuck them, what are you gonna do, so we start shuckin' and jivin' again, we're back to laughin', hootin' and hollerin', and these guys just keep staring at us, and Chris goes, what the hell are you guys lookin' at, and this guy goes, these two guys, it was one guy who was like the alpha, and then there was obviously the bottom, you know, the lesser, the lackey, the beta, yeah, the beta, so a great way to watch video, so he goes, I'll tell you what my problem is, you guys are trash, and it was right, then I was like, oh, these guys are super gay, trash, not trash, duh, trash, just trash, like we

are all trash, and he goes, you are bothering everybody in this diner, and frankly, you've ruined my meal, and we all kinda started to ruin your meal, what are you, salt in the brineye, we're in a fuckin' diner, eatin' shitty eggs and hash browns at four in the morning, ruin your meal, who do you think you are, you're in a pocket square, you're in a diner, you piece of garbage, so we're just like, what are you, kiddin', what are you, crazy, blow me, you loser, get outta here, you dumb fuck, and so Chris is like fuming, he's about to shit himself, so he has to get up and walk away, cause he's so angry, and I'm just toying with him, what are you, Siri, who gives a fuck, who cares,

we're all gonna die one day, grow up, you got AIDS, and so we're just going back and forth, and he's like, I will make one phone call, and ruin all you guys, or something like that, and we're all like, what are you, kid, what the fuck's going on, I'm flabbergasted, I can't believe this guy, and you know, everybody's trying to chime in, hey, relax man, what's your problem, he's like, don't tell me what to do, you've ruined my meal, you've ruined my night, I will not have it, I won't stand for it, and the other guy with him is just sitting there quietly, clearly a bottom, and so finally we just go, alright, let's just take it easy, like what are we gonna do, and first of all, a part of me is like, why aren't

these gay guys scared of us, there's seven of us, we could tune this guy up in a matter of anal, but it was just like, he was calling us trash, he was saying we ruined his meal, and I was like, I don't know, it bothered me that they weren't scared of us, that bummed me out a little bit, but what are you gonna do, we're not violent people, so finally they're just like, they just pay their bill and they leave, and they're trash, if you ask me, they're just yelling at strangers and accusing them of being bad people that they don't even know. Yeah, they're jerks, they could say, hey, could you quiet down a little bit, we're

a little distracting. But here's the rub, I realized we had a running gag all night, we were making fun of how homophobic black people are, in the green room, and so we were doing a lot of jokes about that, like, hey, I don't do that gay shit to Chris and everything, because he's black, and I think one of us said that to another out loud, and I think they caught wind of that, then you got the coonery on the floor, then you got the loudness, the jokes, probably some other homo sapien stuff in there, so I think all that added up, and these people think we're a bunch of bigots.

I wouldn't say these people, but I still hear going. Good point, these guys. Those folks. Yes, so they were a little steamed, if you will, they were peeved, so now these guys stand up and they just kind of walk by the table to leave, and it's a little awkward, and everybody's a little shook, but they just leave, now they wait outside for like ten minutes, they're on the phone. Oh boy, they could be calling in the cavalry.

I think they're gonna call in the anelry, you know, like the big gays angels or whatever, so we're like, well this is weird, but fuck it, let's see what happens, we just wait and we finish our meal, we stayed there another hour, nothing happened, but it got pretty dicey. Wow, that's always scary when somebody, you're in a confrontation, confrontations are terrifying. Yeah, but I mean, we had nothing to fear, but fear. It's the fear itself. Yes, or queer itself, and nothing happened, but it was still weird, you know those confrontations

where you're like, you just want to, you're frustrating, you're like, I just want to get to the bottom of this, like what are you so mad about, what happened, but I think it was the gay insulting and maybe the slurs. Why don't we go to the bottom? Oh yeah, right to the top. Wow, well I'm glad you came out ungazed. Yes, and all's well that anal's well. But I think these guys, they were a little highfalutin, you know what I mean, because

of the suits and the pocket square, and he had a little pocket watch and his hair was all quaffed, you know, they were church going gays, if you know what I mean, you know, like they could tell they were like a proper gay, like very genteel. Well it's good that there's a church welcoming him. I see a lot of these churches that have the gay flag and says all welcome, I feel like that's progress. Oh, I've never seen that. Oh, I see it quite a bit.

I gotta get one of those flags over my bed. Well the Pope is, you know, he's pro gay, so that's good. Pro... Eight. That was a stretch. Alright folks! Is it eight? Was that the prop, prop eight?

I don't know. All of those is gay marriage. Prop eight, prop anal, prop eights. Alright, well, that was that, and thanks everybody for coming out to my goobies, thanks for coming out to the live show. Yes. It's a village underground. We'll have more to come.

That'll be on the Patreon. You don't want to miss a lot of good stuff. Oh, forgot to tell you there, Fatty, your set from the What's Your Fucking Deal riff off the cuff show is on there, and I did one called Stand Up on the Spot. I found the audio. Oh great. My set will be up soon, Shelfish. Oh, alright.

Up now. Up now even! So your set's up there, my set'll be up there. Yes, and my set from What's Your Fucking Deal was ranked the number two most memorable moment of Moontower, folks. Wow. So you want to get on there, and speaking of Moontower, stay tuned, we're going to give you a little teaser from the live episode to let you know what you're missing if you're

not part of the Patreon. Yes. So we're wrapping this episode up, but we're going to have a little clip from the live episode featuring Ron Bennington and Krista Stefano from Moontower. Woo! Give you a little taste. So if you're on the Patreon, you've already listened, don't worry about it. But if you're not, check out this Moontower.

Also, I want to plug my dates coming up here next week. I'm in Winnipeg all week, Tuesday through Saturday. If you're up there, for God's sakes, come out. It's a lonely weekend. Come on out to that. And then Denver Comedy Works, all in Syracuse, Funny Bone. That's coming up June 7th through the 10th. And then Syracuse, Funny Bone, I think, and then the weekend after that is Denver Comedy

Works, Fort Collins, June 13th, Denver Comedy Works, June 14th, 15th, and 16th. Comedy Works Montreal. Come back to Montreal. Ooh! I love that city with Sarah. Nice. On June 28th, 29th, and 30th. So big month of June.

Syracuse, Denver, Montréal. Nice. Check me out this weekend in New Orleans, Louisiana. I'm in hometown here. I'll be at the Dragon's Den on Friday the 11th. So come out and say hi and blow my asshole. Then I'm in Funny Bone, Dayton, Ohio. Woo!

Then I'm at the Comedy Works in Denver at the end of May. We'd love to have you. Then I'm at Clusterfest in San Francisco with Sam Merrill, Schumer, Nikki Glazer, John Malaney. It's quite a lineup. Michael J. Schumer. Yeah, she's going out there.

Love the movie, by the way. I liked it. I saw it. I liked it. I loved it. Wise guys, Utah. I love that. Club.

That's in Salt Lake City. Then I'm at Leavity Live Westniac, New York. Then we're at the Draft House in D.C. All you D.C. Cooke's. Come on out because you missed me in Beantown. Or no, Baltimore. What's the Baltimore city nickname?

Ah, ball town. All right. The city that reads. Yeah, come out to that. That's in D.C. Draft House. I hear that's a good room. Oh, I love that room.

I'm coming back. I'm there in October. I love that room. Oh, beautiful. Then I'm at the Funny Bone in Omaha. That'll be fun. I think that's the bet. Uh-oh.

I got to work on that shit. All right. Omaha. I just fucked something up. Royal. And then side splitters in Tampa for all you Floridians and bath sulters. Then I've got some Comedy Club, New York City, and Zanies in Chicago. So a lot of dates, a lot of Jews, a lot of anal jizz in my soup.

And get on that patron. Buy a shirt. Merchpump.com. Yell at Chipotle. We ate there today. Some other rapper got a black card, and I'm not happy about it. So we're waiting on our black card. Or a white card.

Or a white or a mulatto. Whatever you got. Take us home, Charlie Brown. Umar. We'll see you in hell. Praise Allah. Sorry, Umar. Keep it real.

Over and out. I don't want, uh, Chris has a lot of anxiety and can get in, because I don't want you to think that we still love you. We still love you here. No, no, no. It's wrong time. I'm just here. No, no, no.

I'm trying. I'm trying. You know, I have nothing to say. Can I say something, Chris? Turkey. I had yesterday. This is your day. Okay, buddy.

I've lived the life. I want you to go on now. All right. I don't fucking have, I mean. Have you been to a Muslim country? We traveled together. Norway once. Have you been to a Muslim country?

Norway? Yeah. I mean, I don't fucking have anything, dude. I'm getting crushed in child support. I pay $4,000 for child support. So I don't fucking know. I'm not ever going to Turkey again. I'm happy I'm here.

It's kind of like depressing to hear you guys talk because I live out of my fucking dad's garage right now. So yeah, it's good. Thanks, judge fucking. But your daughter's cute. She's cute kid. I disagree. Yeah.

She's a cute kid. She's beautiful. She is. She's cute, but $4,000 a month cute. No. No. I say $2,300 a month cute. Yeah.

I mean, she's half Puerto Rican. Great. They find a way. Yeah. They find the bottom half. Oh, yeah. They study the DNA stuff. They actually know where it is.

Wow. Yes. Yeah. All right. She can dance. She can dance. Well, yeah. That's like a positive stereotype that people will accept.

Like if you say, oh, I'm Puerto Rican, we are great dancers. Yeah. But you can't say, oh, you're Puerto Rican. You all slash faces. Right. Right. Then people get mad. That's a good point.

I didn't know that there was another section over there. Yeah. I'm going to pay more attention to you guys. They're all Puerto Rican. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Those are the Jets.

Yeah. If you hit a ball over here, it's a foul. But it's good to see you guys. It's good to see the bleacher bumps. Not one date in that whole era. Sad. I think that's a woman on the right. Oh, is it?

Yeah. There you go. I'm sorry. I'm woke now. I'm a transgender. No, I don't. That's how I end up sucking so much dick. I just don't know what it is.

I just think it's a crotch and I'm happy. I can't thank you enough for that, by the way. It's my pleasure. It really was. They want to ruin all the black. Yeah.