Tuesdays with Stories! - #245 Squawking Twat

Episode Date: May 15, 2018

Mark & Joe recap the red hot live pod with Nikki Glaser & Yannas Pappas before Joe tells us about Jason Kanter's hit & run incident in Tampa & Mark's trip to Minneapolis resulted in him working out in jeans and spilling liquid cheese all over himself! Check it out! Subscribe to our Patreon to hear the LIVE ep from Moontower with CHRIS DISTEFANO & RON BENNINGTON! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download Go on iTunes and give the pod a #5StarLunch review!

This is a Stand Up New York Labs production, providing you podcasts since 2013. Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard.

And then the duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock! Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody.

Yeah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. Yeah, hello folks! This is Take Two on the podcast. I did a big start, but I hadn't hit the record. We're recording at Mark's house again. This is like the new studio, basically. Yeah, I feel bad.

I was thinking today, like you've come here two days in a row. Are you angry? Are you getting annoyed? No, well, you're in the city. You're in the heart of things. So, I mean, it makes sense. And I had therapy beforehand, but we got kicked out of our own studio.

Our own sweat and blood and common assholes. And I don't mind. I love... We used to do the scene together. He wrote a movie, made it famous. But... I can't stand for it. No, he's got the bald ponytail.

Yes. It's a bad look. I can't even do it. Also, that's a Percy Sledge rip. Joint. Yeah. Thank you. And then, what else did he have?

He had that one. He had a bunch of shit. And my parents were into it. And looking back, my parents were like, my age now. I'm like, what are you doing, you fucking fruitcakes? Yeah, my dad was in the Tina Turner as a youth. Well, Tina Turner at least rocked for a while.

I guess, but it felt very gay. My dad's like, I'm off to see Tina. And he's like, you want to go? My mom's like, I'm good. Well, Tina was sexy. He can't compare Tina. She's in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame here. Well, so is NWA.

I don't believe they are. I think they are. Oh, that's right. They win it. But it'd be heavy. Well, at least they're bad asses. But I'm saying the rock and roll is a little all over the road. But Tina has the legs.

Maybe he's going for the legs. She had legs. That's easy top. Yeah, she decided to use them. But at least he was going to see Tina. She had the frizzle skirt. Yeah. And she could be like, brah, baby.

Which was CCR, of course, also. A lot of covers out there. A lot of samples. But you know, she got the shit beat out of her. She had nice legs. There was never a phase where it was ripping it. That's true. What did he say?

Time, love, and tenderness. When you put your bow to boo, I had to listen to this shit. And you think at the time, you're like, oh, my parents, they're old. They're parents. They're gay. But they're like 38 years old. Put on some zeppelin, you fucking fruits. Yeah, that is odd.

Yeah. I guess once you turn parental, you got to go queef it up a little bit. And then they loved Hootie. I don't want to be with you. Which isn't bad. At least that's a band. I guess. At least there's a set of drums in there.

But I had my friend Scott when I was a kid. His mom loved Hootie. And I was always like, well, that band's done for me. And his mom was like a big dork. It was bad news. What a shit name, Scott. Bad name. One quick syllable in and out.

Scott. Scott. Not good. I mean, I like Scott. There's plenty of Scots I like. Scott Kennedy. He's dead. Scott.

Who are those Scots? Great Scott. Yeah. That's fun. There's Scottie. Scottie Pippin. Oh yeah. Scottie Pippin.

Scottie Lombardo. Who's a good buddy of mine? Oh, OK. Boston guy. Big party guy. Big socks fan. Patriots. Great guy.

A lot of fun. Air Force. Scotsman. Scotch. Scotch. I'm Scottish. Campbell. That's something.

What are you kidding? Half. Big time, Scott. I thought you were all I. I'm more Scott than I. Whoa. Oh yeah. Campbell.

Where are they? Wow. You got a good burly duo. You got a bunch of kilts and red fiery pubes. Yeah. We got Campbell McKinnon. That's my mother's side. Both.

Both. Scott. And then on the other side, it's the Tui in the list. That's the Irish. Tui. Tui is very Irish. Tui. Tui.

Tui. Tui. Tui. Tui. Tui. Tui. Tui. Tui.

By the way, how about this side note? I don't know how to spell it exactly. I think there's an H in there. Wow. Yeah. Maybe a T H. U Y or something. Yeah.

These Irish, they're all a bunch of drunks with tiny dicks. They don't know what to spell. No, no. A lot of potatoes. How about this? Can you name the only state that ends in the letter K? A state. Yes.

Ends in K. Hold on. Well, I've obviously heard of it. If it's a state. Yeah. There's only 50. If Kentucky starts with a K. That's what I said.

Uh-huh. I went to Kentucky because you started thinking K. K. K. Right. Right. Oh, well, come back because I don't want a bunch of dead anals on my card. Well, just throw out a couple of mms.

And ah. Man. Well, what's fun about this is the whole team, the whole gang is screaming at you. I know. I know. I'm sorry. Ah. This is like when my parents used to come watch me play basketball.

Then you got to cycle through. You're like Midwest, the Badlands, the Southwest. Yeah. They keep thinking Texas. They keep thinking Alaska. Texas has an X. I know, but that. Of course, the only one syllable state is Maine.

Right. Right. Right. Ah. Shit. It's a toughy. It's out there though. It exists.

It's a toughy. It seems like a trick question. That's what I start thinking. And then this one, the person asked me, I don't like to be the fucking douche in a trick subject. Right. So I go, I don't know. I'd rather just go, I don't know.

Just tell me. Yeah. You'll think of it. You'll think of it. See, my dad's such a cunt that he likes to just throw out facts. And he, even if you know the fact, he'll still tell you the answer because he wants to show you that he knows it. So he'll be like, you ever heard that old riddle?

You know, the man, a man is what has no legs, then two legs, then three legs. Oh, I don't know. A person. What? Because you know, it's a baby who can't walk. A baby has legs. Well, I might have fucked it up. But then there's two legs on a man, then three legs on a cane with an old man.

Oh, get out of here. Canes on a leg. It's a cane. He loves it. Oh, I am not able to take that cane joke. Yeah. Well, he was always like, you heard this? I was like, I've heard it.

And he still explains it. And you're like, I got it, dad. Well, that's what I had a fun moment because there's a guy, I just, I mean, I'll get into it later. Keep thinking about the K. Keep going. I'm thinking. I'm listening and thinking.

I was down in Tampa with Bobby Jewel, legendary club owner, Bobby Jewel, who I got along with just fine. I love the club, by the way. We'll get it all into Tampa. I love sidesplitters. I do very well. There are a lot of fans. Good guy.

But anyways, he does baseball riddles. Oh, and he tells me every year he gets the same riddle. So now it's fun. Before I would just go, ah, and now I'll do the whole thing. He sets it up and it's long. And then as soon as he finishes this long thing, I go, it's a foul ball. Oh, and he's like, oh, wow, you knew that one. And I don't have the heart to be like, yeah, you've told me 11 years in a row to stick with

the baseball theme. You're the Cal Ripken of this baseball riddle. I don't know what does that mean? He's out there every day. Never misses. Oh, I see. But it's satisfying to just go foul. Right.

What's next? Aha. He gave me some fun trivia for you guys at home. Please, keep going, because I am in a tongue twister here. I'm all curled up, but I can't think of this. You want a hint? No. I'll give you a big old hint.

Please don't. All right. Keep going. For the folks at home. Keep it in Bismarck. Who are the eight professional sports teams that Dion Sanders played for? You can email us. All right.

You ready? The Cowboys. Are you going to try? Yeah. Oh boy. This isn't going to be pretty. Cowboys. That's one.

Oh, wow. Yeah. He was on a baseball team for a hot minute, wasn't he? Several. OK. Yeah. That's part of the fun. I'm already out.

I don't think you're going to get close. Yeah, probably not. Now the people can email us. All right. Anyways. Well, we got to knock out this K. Phoenix is no good. No, that's the city.

A big one, too. Yeah. And it ends with an X also, I might add. I know. I know. Just thinking. Ka sound. Ka.

KKK. Working too hard can give you a heart attack. KKK. Oklahoma's got a K. That's a K in there. Yeah. Indiana. They started the KKK.

That's right. Kansas has a K. Ends with an S. Damn it. Tennessee, Illinois. Tennessee has some double consonants in there. Missouri, too. Massachusetts.

A lot of double consonants. States. The people are losing their shit right now. I know. It's really frustrating for everybody. Well, I want to yuck it up, but I also want to think of this. So it's hard. Let me give you a big hint.

You can knock it out. Give me the region, maybe. All right. You're in the state right now. Oh, that is the worst part of the whole thing right there. New York. Damn. Isn't that hurtful?

I'm sitting here going, oh, South Dakota. I know. I've got to tell you, though, if it makes you feel any better, I just had the same thing with two delightful blacks that were trying to get me to support a child. How do you figure? What do you mean? How do I figure? How does this come up with them?

That's how they get you. The street people that get you to sign up. Right. Did they get you? That's what I'm telling you. Oh, I didn't give them money. I said, I already got my pockets empty with the Planned Parenthood. And I sponsor a kid already.

Sure. Out in fucking Zimbabwe. I appreciate it, by the way. And then I give the money to, I feel like Cosby, I give the money to the people. Pull your pants up. Where else do I? I got a bunch of money going on. I got Apple Music.

I got Planned Parenthood. I got some fucking AIDS kid in South America. And then I'm giving money everywhere and plus taxes. So I say, hey, I can't give you any money, but I appreciate the tribute. I'm going to go ruin my friend's day. Now, you didn't say it? I didn't think of it. Like I said, I went, boy, right off the bat, I was like, I can't think, because I don't

like being in that position. Of course. Your brain is all scattered. Yeah. So I went, I can't, and I thought she was trying to trick me. Right. I was giving her things. I was like, I don't know.

I was on the street. So then she goes, well, where do you live? And I go, I go in Queens. And I go, Queens where? She goes, Queens where? And now I think she's an idiot. She's making me the idiot. Right.

I think she's the idiot. I go, Queens, New York. Yeah. And then I gave her, and then it was her and another guy. And I go, what's the only one syllable state? And I sit back in my recliner and the guy goes, Maine. I was like, oh, fuck my ass. Good.

God, these blacks are very geographical. Yeah. They know what they're doing. And then, you know, we had a nice meal. I was eating a cookie at the time. And then she's telling me about how the kids, there's 18,000 kids, you know, die a day because they can't eat or something. Meanwhile, I'm eating a chocolate chip cookie.

I'm just like, well, I got nothing to give. I'm sorry. Yeah. That's tough. I was drinking a smoothie once when a guy was hitting me up. And I was like, I got nothing, but you have a smoothie. There's nothing more privileged than a smoothie. Yeah.

Well, a cookie too. A cookie at least has like vitamins. Yeah. I'm not even getting vitamins. I'm just eating a cookie. That's true. Chocolate in my mouth. Something about your apartment makes my nose itchy.

Interesting. I don't know what it is. I think it's a bra. I walk in as a tan bra. Yeah. Those are weird. They're like flesh colored. Yeah.

I hate the tan bra. Oh, really? Yeah. Well, a black is sexy. A white is rare. Yeah. Yeah. Well, she just bought this bathing suit that I was like, wow,

banana's hot. Really? Yeah. Yellow? No, it's white, but it's just, it's like a rubber band around the tits. You get the top, the bottom. It's crazy.

Halter top. Is that a halter? A halter, I think is. No way. A halter goes up and around. It's a tube top. Is it a tube? I think it's a tube top.

Yes. Tubular. Yes. Big tube. Yeah. It's a tube top. Halter top is the one that goes up around and halts. They should do one for the down.

The downstairs called a puke top. Oh, that's fun. A tube top, puke top. Oh, I get the puke bottom too. You can get all the pubes. Yeah. I guess it'd be a bottom. Tube top, puke bottom.

Now we're talking. Yeah, good gay couple. Oh, yeah. But anyways, yeah, the tan bra, not as sexy. Sometimes I like to have sex with the bra on. Just to mix it up. I'm into that. You know what's fun is banging a girl on top, bra on,

one plopped out. I never tried that. I like a plop. Not only because it looks like it's winking at me, which is an old bit of mine. What's wrong with a wink? I don't care for a wink. I like a wink.

I never care for a wink. There's one guy in comedy that winks when he shakes your hand. Oh, that's bad. I find that off-putting. A man wink is brutal. Terrible. A tit wink. I'm OK with.

Tiddly wink. Tid wink. That's a good title. There you go. Shelby, if you're listening, we love you. Speaking of tits, I got to tell you, my mom was in here. My parents stayed in my apartment for a full week. That's crazy that they're staying here.

I mean, I don't want to be here. Thank you. I appreciate it. Thank you. I feel like a good son. But then I'm like, no, you're just a normal son. This is default to let your parents stay. But I think it's good.

Yeah, that's a good son. That's not a normal son. All right. Decent movie. Thank you. That's what I would say. That's what my therapist said as well. Yeah, that's crazy.

It's crazy to put me out like that. By the way, we've had this separate combo. We've had this happen several times where I say something and you're like, that's what Alan said. And it makes me feel good. I feel like I'm on the right track from having similar thoughts. It's like when you have a bit idea and someone's like, that's a Regan. You're bummed that you don't get to do the bit, but you're like, hey, at least I'm on

the same wavelength as Reg. Exactly. So my parents stayed here. By the way, it just feels weird. You don't have your own apartment. Your sanctuary is gone. So they stayed here a full week. They left a bunch of food in the fridge, which is rare.

I never have food in my fridge. I can't do it because I eat it all in one sitting, everything in the fridge. I was like that with booze. People were like, you're an alcoholic. You should have booze in the fridge. I'm like, why don't I have any booze in the house because I drank it. Right. It's gone.

That's how I know I'm not an alcoholic because I got stacks of bottles over there. I never touch them. I know. I'm not an alcoholic. One of those. Take it easy. For fun. By the way, we should have recorded a backup.

I hope this is working. What if we lost this? Can you imagine if we lost this? I think we're okay. I think we're okay. But yeah, so how about this? This is a sad site. My parents left.

They love buying rotisserie chickens. Oh, that's fun. The other one with the dome. Yeah. Yeah. Love the dome. So I just throw the whole thing. They left about half of it on there.

I left the whole thing in the microwave, popped that thing in for a minute and a half, sat here and ate the entire chicken with my hands. It was horrific. I love that. Enjoy it. It was so good, but the grease was running down my chin and my asshole and my balls were in the mix and I had a tube top on and I was just getting in there. I was watching something.

I was laughing with chicken in my mouth. I felt like a king. That's great. Did you have a dipping sauce? No, I just had a little hot sauce going on there every now and then. That's dipping. I guess. You didn't dip.

It's a sprinkle sauce. Yeah, but I was, now the bottle's greasy because I'm holding it. Oh man, it was gross. That's funny. I ordered Mr. Chicken last night and I hadn't had it for a month because I had the tooth surgery and then I've been on the road. This is a place, Mr. Chicken. Folks, if you live in Queens, get yourself some Mr. Chicken.

It's the best chicken I've ever had. Really? And it's not just me. I had some people over. You know, you want that second and third opinion. Yeah, of course. I had Canada Rover and Ari, who's like a food fag. He came out to Queens?

He's been there a few times. Wow. So they come over and Veeder and so they've all come over at different times. I ordered Mr. Chicken. They're like, this is insane. You got to be shitting me with this chicken. Wow. You got to be chickening me.

So you got to come over and have some Mr. Chicken. Wait, wait. They're saying good. Good. Oh, I thought you were saying they were like, you're in crazy. This is horrible. No, no. Killer chicken with the skin just drips right off.

They have fried chicken. That's killer. Great breading. I mean, this place is legit. Oh, wow. Top-notch chicken. Mr. Chicken, I think it's out. Not even know where it is.

I just order it delivery from Yelp or whatever. And you go broiled and you go fry. I do a little bit of bull. Sometimes I'll do bulls at the same time. I'll have a thing that's like, I'll just order like $200 with a chicken. Because you know how you like, you order, you have a group. $200. Maybe $100.

That went a little high. But you order, sometimes you order chicken. You order food and you want to make sure you get the amount you want. But you want to make sure there's enough for everybody. Sure. But there's no worse feeling than like you're buying, you're treating and all of a sudden you're like, we're out of chicken already. So I'm just, I'm go big.

I don't give a fuck. The worst. The worst. Yeah. So let's do chicken. I think that with Chinese food is fun to order a ton. The cardboard cups, you know, the white ones and all, they're all popped open and the rice.

It's great. A little metal bar coming across. Love a metal bar. That's fun. I said it before. I'm surprised you don't have a pull up bar. You're going to get one. I should.

I had one in my old place. I'd sit in my apartment somewhere laying around. Well, put it in my asshole. All right. I'll pull it up. Well, how about this? Well, first of all, we talked about it last week briefly, but we cheated a little bit last week because we recorded it before the live one.

So we did a pretend commercial for the live one. Oh, yeah. But now the live one is in the can. We just recorded. I don't know. Two days ago. Out tomorrow. No.

Yeah. It's out. I'm sorry. But if you're not, it's hard to, it's like back to the future. It's hard to think. Yes. Along the space timeline continuum or whatever. 88 miles an hour.

Serious shit. Folks, this live, when we said it about Moontower, I think somehow, some way, I keep coming up with funky ass shit like every single day. Yes. The live underground episode is better than Moontower. It's tough to beat. But somehow we did it. The crowd was hot.

Glazer was on fire. On fire. Yannis was great. We were cooking. She looked on fire too, by the way. She's looking great. She's got great teeth. Have you noticed that?

Nice teeth. Good teeth. I didn't notice. Big chompers. And we had some hotties in the front row, a couple of Norwegian skanks, and we really cut loose. It was so fun. Yannis Pappas was great.

Will Silvins came down. Oh, yeah. We had a pop. We had some diversity quota. Yeah, and I got to say, you were on fire from the get go. Oh, you too. You had a big laugh out of the gate. No, no laugh out of the gate.

It was like the Seinfeld where you took off before the gun was shot. Oh. You were 100 yards ahead. Oh, Duncan. Had to catch up. Meyer. I choose not to run. But boy, it was hot.

And then you were hot the whole time. Yannis was great. Nikki was like, I was blown away. Blown. I mean, we knew Nikki was great. We knew she was going to be great, but she was fucking killer. I mean, she had the line of the night, a couple of the best lines, and had some good stories.

She was the only one that told the story. Great story. She had applause. And she's so cool. Cool as a cucumber. I'm three lines into a story. I'm panicking. My asshole's bleeding.

I'm jittering. She is cool, calm, and collected. Yes. She's also collected. And she stayed the whole time, which we appreciate. Yannis took us a while to get Yannis up there. But when we did, he brought the heat. Yeah.

Hell of a sniper loves hanging his. We had a Greek, a woman, a black, and two gays. I feel like we really hit a quota. Yeah. I don't know that Greeks count as a quota, but whatever. You know, there's something there. They're dark. And anal.

But, and we had some classic. We had comedy artwork there. Brian was there. And we had Guy Bannister was there. Go pack. Go pack Joe. And Crystal and little go pack Joe. Yes.

Many go. And then who else was there? A lot of celebrity. Shelby was there. Your agent was there. My agent was there. My manager was there. Barbara Dugan, the hugging.

Oh, Dugan. Big Dugan. It's fun. Shelby being out in the world because people are like, that's him. Oh my God. It's like seeing Gollum. Yeah. It was crazy because I saw one guy.

He tripped and fell over his lip and went, what the fuck? Oh, it's Shelby. No big deal. There you go. Tripped. We didn't sell the posters so well, but if you want to get a poster in hindsight, we signed them all. They're going to be on the page.

We're going to make them available somehow. It's a cool poster and I think we sold four or seven. It wasn't pretty. We sold all of our agent, our representatives bottom. Oh, is that right? Which is weird because they just handed us money and I'm like, I actually owe you money, but I'll take your money now. Yeah.

I guess they're going to be 10% of this. But it was hot. So go get on the Patreon. I know everyone's got a Patreon and I feel like the two blacks trying to convince me to sign up for a thing. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'm dismissing their money for a child and asking you to give money.

Yes. Fuck the kids. But get on there, folks. Three bucks a month. It's 36 bucks a year, which is like, if you think about that as one time, that's a show. That's true. A Pearl Jam show is 100 bucks. Good point.

We're putting out all kinds of bonus shit. The Moon Tower episode is up and this episode, I think we're going to go record a bonus with Ari, too. Yeah. And then you and I did a bonus yesterday, two that's up, about a 15 minute, and that was a lot of laughs. There's a queef up now. So there's a ton.

And I feel like a lot of people throw bonus shit out. They just piss in a jar and throw it at you. But this is quality stuff, that Moon Tower, the underground one is killer and the queeps are all fun. It's insane. And then get some shirts too. A lot of shirts out there. Yep.

Go to merchpump.com. Or it's Louis as well. And what's his toes over there? Ralph. Oh, big Ralphie. And they're doing a big thing. And so go buy those. But anyways, enough with the commercials.

But I'm just saying, you're going to want to be part of this Patreon. Because this was some killer shit. What a night. And can I just say, this is removed from the Patreon commercial. Now I just want to talk about tonight. Please. So fun. Went over there.

And it was such a cool feel. Because there was a line out the door at the underground. And I walked to the seller to go say hello to the seller first. And there's people like, there he is. Hey, Joe. I'm going to get in that thing, which was fun. Love it. And then you came down.

And you could see everyone watching us before. And that was exciting. Our managers are there. Our agents are there. Somebody got us a box of cookies each. Yes. Thank you so much for the cookies. Another guy brought gift cards.

One guy just handed us $20 bills. Each. Which is actually more appreciated than the gift cards. Yeah. Sometimes you don't want to eat at Chipotle. You want to go to Jimmy John's. So that was amazing. And then there was those two beautiful Norwegian women.

What was Iranian? Which I nailed. I felt good about that. I nailed an Iranian woman during the show. Patreon. And so that was just a special night. It was fun to just walk over to the train afterwards. We pushed each other into the bushes going, we did it.

Can you believe we're doing it? We did it. It was a high after that. It was a beautiful night. We walked. We did a post-show stroll and really soaked it all in. Yeah. It was nice.

And I was fresh back from Tampa. Let me get into Tampa. Please. Because I love. Put that Tampa on in. I don't love the city. It's a lot of strip clubs. There's a lot of stank and grime on that town.

It leaves a lot to be desired. Well, here's the thing. I don't want to insult anybody, of course. Oh, boy. But the city, it lacks personality. Interesting. There's no real buildings. There's not.

Ebor City is pretty cool. Ebor's all right. But that's a hall from where Side Splitters is. Yeah. So Ebor is pretty cool. But even Ebor is like not the best. I heard they were going to build a ballpark down there. But anyways, we went there.

But Side Splitters is the club I have probably worked the most, along with like City Steam. I've been working there for years. I've worked for Johnnigan there twice. I've worked for DePaolo there three times. I've worked for Lynn Coplitz there one time. Holy dick. And now this is my fourth time headlining there.

So I always enjoy coming down. Jesus. This is my first time not at the condo. Oh, good for you. You moved on. That was a big bump up. But we actually, it's funny how there's things that you hate. And then you long for them.

Yeah. It's like childhood. Interesting. So Canner and I, one night we did a show. And then afterwards I had some cigars. Like, let's go smoke some cigars. I was like, where are we going to go to smoke cigars? I thought, let's get the keys to the condo.

We'll sit in the porch because it's a porch of the condo. So as dirty and old as the condo is, it's nice to have a back porch. You screened in. Sure. Got a couple cigars. And you can kind of see into the TV. So we had the playoff game, hockey playoffs on the TV. We had a couple cigars.

And then BT, the manager, he went, hey, take a few beers. Oh. Here's the keys. He said, take a six pack. And Jason's like, oh, that's OK. And he said, no, no. That guy is great. BT.

Good egg. He's one of these guys that you needed a comedy club who's on your side. Yes. He'll physically drag people out, beat the shit out of them. He likes to throw people. Not that he wants to, but he'll throw people out. Yeah. He really supports.

Six, eight. Just a beef cake of a man. Real beef cake and just the sweetest guy. So we love, we love BT. Now let me ask you this. You're on a porch. You got a Stogie. You got a ball game.

Do you see Canada drinking a beer and you go, is it kind of fun to live through it? No, I don't want to. No, here's the thing. I'm not saying you want one, but you get, if I curiously live, you know, when your friend's married, you're banging a waitress. It's kind of like, oh, tell me, give me details. Yeah. Yeah.

Well. You see that beer with a drip drop running down the side, the condensation and that. Yeah. Well, a beer, like I said, a beer, it's like, we've talked about this before. It's, you think about the, you don't think about the first drink. You think about the last drunk. Oh. The first drink always seems nice.

I see an IPA. That's what like I really want. It's like a beautiful IPA and a pint glass on a warm day. But that's as good as that looks. You just think about being hung over in the flight and there's puke in your tits and you're going, oh, what did I say? Who did I call? Who did I finger?

So, and then, you know, at Canada's a little banged up. There's like a little slow reaction. He's bloodshot. So there's a moment of like, I'm glad I don't have that going on. I feel alive and aware and hyper gay. It's more the idea, like, you know, that scene in Shawshank where they're on the roof and they have that cold beer. Yes.

That's where you're like, oh, baby doll. But this is where I have to remind myself. I don't drink like that. Right. That sounds nice. I'd love to have two beers. I would love to have two beers. I see.

That sounds great. A little sun on my back and a couple of suds. But even when I fantasize about drink or think about it, I don't think about having a beer. I think about having 150 beer. I can't even fantasize about a beer. Right. You want to run a muck and put on a puke bottom and rape somebody. Yeah.

I don't want to go back there. Legless. That could be better for the riddle. Oh, yeah. What's legless and gay? My dad. There you go. Wednesday.

Now we got a riddle. I'm going to find some black kids on a train. But so we go there. How about this? This is, I wish we could have canner on. I mean, we could, but for a queef. Sure. We meant to, but I just didn't get a chance to.

So Friday night, we're at the show and they bust canner's balls a little bit. They go, hey, could you get here earlier? And he's like, what? I'm here. I've never missed a show. And they're like, well, just get here before we're not worried about you. And he's like, all right. Yeah.

So he's a little frustrated. So the next night he's like, all right, I'm going to get there a half hour early. And at Tampa side splitters, you have a six o'clock show. Six, eight and 10. So he's staying at his uncle's house down the street and his cousin's friend is like, just arrived at the house. He's like, I'll drive you to the gig. He's like, I haven't had any beers.

Everyone else is staying around drinking. He's like, I'll drive you. So he's driving Canada to the gig. Some crazy woman runs a red light. They fucking nail her. What? They hit her. T-Bone?

40 miles an hour. T-Bone, they send her helicoptering around the car spinning around out into the street. She just gasses it, guns it, takes off. Hit run. Some sort of drunk, crazy lady. I don't know if she was an illegal or if she was hammered, but she must have been running for the law for some reason. Vigilante.

Or maybe she was, that's not right. She's on the lamp. That's better. All right. I guess she's different. Yeah, that's not good. That's like Batman. Yeah, right.

She might have been removed from this situation. Maybe she's also a vigilante. Phoenix is a city. So anyway, she gets nailed and then the airbag pops off, hits the guy. Hits the driver? Hits the driver. Kid, I just met this son of a bitch. Wow, airbag pop out of the gate.

And he's bleeding. He hits his arm on the thing. And I guess when the airbag goes off, it's like a gunpowder smell. It's like a shot. It's like a boom. Wow. It's like a explosion in there. It drops the thing.

It's a money shot. Yeah, so Cantor's got a little whiplash. The guy's bleeding. The windshield's cracked. And Cantor's like, oh my God, what do I do? Who should I call? The guy's like, you got a show, buddy. Step on it.

Get an Uber. What a guy. Yeah, and there's a girl in the back seat. She's crying. This guy's bleeding. Cantor came. Where's the chair? Who's that?

A whore? He's the guy's girlfriend. Oh, OK. And they just met. He doesn't even know this guy. Wow. This guy's an animal. Yeah, so Cantor has to get an Uber.

And meanwhile, his shirt's all wrinkled. He's got blood on it. He's crying. Yeah. And then he's just trying not to be late. So he calls the club. And he's like, I just got in a huge car accident. And they're like, oh my God, is Joe all right?

Because I'm the headliner. Ah, that's ding. So they're like, we got to make sure. List is here. He's the show. Yeah, sure. And he's like, oh, we're in a different car. He's like, thank Christ.

And then so then I arrive. And then they're like, where's Cantor? Is he OK? And I'm like, I'm not with him. He's down there. So Cantor has one of these Fitbit things. He shows up. He's got to go on.

Now he's late because he was at the scene of a crime. Ironically, the thing they tried to get him earlier, made him later. Exactly. So then he gets there. He's got an Apple Watch bullshit. Yeah. He's got a heart rate of 157.

Is that high? That's high. Like right now yours is probably, you know, 71. Oh, all right. Like your target exercise rate for like a people of our color. Sure. Our age and weight. I think it's between like 115, 135.

That's like where you want to sustain for 30 minutes. Got it. So that's like us running. Wow. Like that's ideal. So he's like 35 points higher than like an ideal exercise. And that's after an Uber. That's him sitting there.

Yeah. He's not moving physically. Wow. That's just his anxiety. He's like. His anxiety is reacting as though he's playing a basketball game. Wow. Oh, that's wild.

And so he's going to go on stage. And so he's all fucked up and he kind of rift about it. It kind of killed. And let me tell you something. It was the 6 p.m. Saturday show. That might be the best show of the weekend, by the way. Best show of my life. Wow.

I mean, it was something else. Up was down. Black was white. Gay was. Straight. Fag was. Black. I don't know.

I shouldn't have said Fag. I'm sorry. I got to stop saying that word. She just said Jew was Goy. Yeah. I should have said something. I shouldn't have said the F word. I'm sorry.

That's fine. They're doing opposite. I don't know what to do. You're doing great. It's a fun word. It's a great word. A lot of fun words out there. I don't mean it.

You know what I mean. Whatever. No, no. The fags get it. I'm trying to have fun. Whatever. What are you going to do? Oh, yeah.

So you killed with the drinking and driving. You went up and you had a hot set. All I can think about is the F word. I'm really sorry. That means you're gay. If you can't stop thinking about them. Anyways, yeah. He went up.

He killed and then I went out and just fucking. It was like hot and you're like the whole time. The whole week you're like 6 p.m. show. What are we doing? This is silly. Who cares out there? Oh, yeah.

But I've talked about this theory before. I know we've discussed it. Old people. When I started, old people were like, well, get out of here. But now old people, they were fucking in the mud at Woodstock. You know what I mean? Old people now have done blow and they were into like zeppelin and shit. So they're cool.

Bang and during fog hat. Yeah. The young people now suck. Right. The hipsters are like, don't say that. The seven year olds are sticking their legs in the air and hitting themselves. They yelling, fuck me, daddy. Yeah.

It's so true. You go to a college. They're all like, we don't know what to do. Then you get the old people. You're right. They're wet and wild. They're great. So 6 p.m. was killer and a lot of Tuesdays were there.

8 p.m. show killer. And there's nothing better than on stage now and seeing a bunch of Chipotle logos out in the crowd. There was three in a row, couple at the same table. Love it. And Tampa is a good market for a lot of Tuesdays down there because I think it's like O and Bobby. It's Bobby Kelly country.

Right. And so thanks to Opie and Bobby, by the way, for all the support. Sure. Were they laughing these fans? Some of these fans will give you just the stone face, the mouth drop, jaw open. They do. But these were good fans or laughing. All the fans are great.

But these were Laffy fans and a lot of familiar faces down there. A lot of people have met before, Joey T and all these guys. It's just so nice to see the same people over and over again and so many gift cards. I got like a guy gave me a card card, like wrote like a really beautiful message. I appreciate that. And just a fucking great. We I love side splitters. I mean, I really do.

And there's people that are like, I hate that club, they're animals, they're Trump, whatever. But I'm like, I don't know what it says about me, but I do better there than any other club. I love it. I like that club too. The people are happy. Everybody's positive. It's not bad. Yeah.

And it's a good mix because we've talked about this before too, as much as I fucking love Donald Trump and I hope bad things happen to him. His supporters make for some pretty good comedy crowds. Oh, Republican. Like you go to a golf club or something, country club, killer crowd. They don't get offended. They're happy. They're drinking.

They're good times. Yeah. And so it was a good mix. We went down to Clearwater Beach, which I didn't realize is where Scientology began. Oh, Elron Hub. Yes. A bunch of people kept being like careful for Scientology. I know what the hell they were talking about.

But we always go. Elron and I and his girl Kate, we drove down there and just a beautiful beach and you forget these New York winters are hard and cold and long and they really fucking the butt. Sure. But Clearwater sucks your dick. You get out there. It's bathwater. That old thing.

Really? It was like bathwater. And you float and you just you feel gay and good. Oh, man. I'm never. What is it? A 40 minute? About that with traffic.

Yeah. It's like one of those things. It takes 20 minutes to get down there and then like get that beach traffic. It's a little bit of touch and go. Right. But and then there's people that are like Clearwater sucks. What are you doing at Clearwater? I'm like, I don't understand the water is crystal clear.

It's like 80 degree water and then there's a cigar lot and I hadn't been able to smoke because my tooth. So then I left the beach a little early because I don't know if you're like this with the beach. I love swimming in the ocean. Sure. Being in the ocean is my favorite. It heals.

It heals. It's healing. But once I get out of the ocean, that's it. I got salt on me. I got sand on me. Brutally. I like to look at the girls, of course. But I got to tell the theory, by the way.

Once I'm sitting there, I'm like, once I've dried, I'm like, that's it. What am I doing? I'm just standing here. I'm sitting. Right. Oh, I see. You don't like to bask. No, I don't want to bask.

I want to go have a cigar shop around, eat a big burger or something salty and soda. So I left. I was like, you guys keep doing your thing. I'm going to go to the cigar lounge. So now I got the salt and the sun. My hair is all thick because the ocean. Now I'm smoking a cigar for the first time in about six weeks because of the surgery. Never been happier in my whole life.

Now I want to throw the floor back to you because it's getting late here. Well, what do you got here? What do you think of this theory? All right. And we're talking a little bit with Nikki. I'm trying to say women and not girls. I want to be sensitive to the cause. Hit me, Fanny.

Unless I said the F word earlier. And she was like, no, I like girls. Yes. I like being called a girl. So it's confusing. Right. What about this? So there's women.

You're on the beach. And there's all these women in bikinis. Now there's some women that are like, don't look at me. I want privacy. Yes. Fuck you. Hey, that's why I go to the gym. I want to be looked at.

It's hot. I want to be. Of course. There should be some sort of chip or signal or like a light or a bracelet that lets you know that this is one of the kind of girls that's like, yeah, look at my body. You fucking homo. The signal should be the bod. I think, hey, you're showing the cleave.

That means you're showing it. No, but because somewhat, maybe they want a tan for their boyfriend or they like the feel of the sun. We can't just assume. I'm talking about like a nightclub or a restaurant. If you're if you're showing off the giant gams and the cans, I think you want people to see. But it might be for one guy and not for you.

Well, there's that creep shrapnel. Shrapnel out there. It's good. Creep shrapnel. I like that. Creep shrapnel. It's going to spread and you can't. I don't know.

I feel like it's on the guy too for not being like gawky and tongue on the floor, you know, but like, we got a look. It's out there. You brought it. Why am I the weirdo for looking? You brought it. I'm not looking glance or whatever. But some are like, yeah, like I want a guy just looking at me and drool over me.

I think a lot of them do. But I'm saying there should be a little button or a thing or a hair clip, something where I can just be like, I'm just going to stare at this one and feel cool about it. Right. Right. That's tough. I'm trying to not. I'm trying to call women, women and be a good person.

Yeah. Trying to. But then they're all different. They're all individuals. They all have their own wants and different desires. It's it's a topsy turvy, kooky world out there and we don't know what the hell's going on your head, ladies. That's what's hard to say with comedy and these words.

Like I'm going to get three people writing now. We like when you say that. Right. And then other people will hate you. So I don't know. But we live in a time now where everybody thinks their way is the highway. Like I get what I want. I want it this way.

Me, me, me. So if one girl hates it, they go, don't ever do it. But then if one girl loves it, they go, do it all the time and you're like, Me, me, me, two, two, two. Doremi. Fasalati do. All right. Well, what do you got for the rest?

I'm hogging over here because I'm all I'm high on life. Well, you know what else is annoying? These girls who Instagram themselves in like a nightie and they're like bent over a bare skin rug and they got a butt plug in their mouth and then they go, I got all these messages from guys talking about how I was sexy and it's like, yeah, of course you did, you lunatic. What do you think is going to happen? Yeah. There's some woman that does that that is like a fan of mine, evidently, but she does

a similar thing. Oh, I got to tell you about the rate. I got, I got more, but I want you to go. All right. I got a lot more. I got some bullet points. Nothing crazy. All right.

I got a few things that are spicy and fun. All right. So I had a flight delay, nothing pretty on the tarmac, brutal. I had a wedding party, like a bunch of bachelorette whores just like squawking on the whole fly. They're all spread out to their one of them, one of them's up kneeling on the seat, looking backwards going, share a you twat, I'll tell you what, you don't know how to plan this bitch at all. You know, we're going to get so drunk they're, they're, they're popping chandies and drinking

Chardonnay on the flight. So they're going back and forth. Yadda, yadda, yadda. I'm like, I hate these women. Good Lord. And they're all excited. And I'm like, you're going to Minneapolis. Shut up.

Like what? What? Go to Vegas. Go to Miami. What are you crazy? Yeah. But I don't know Nashville, Nashville even go nuts. So they keep yapping at each other and they're telling bad jokes and it's like the alpha

girl who's like telling everybody what's what and they're all like bowing to her. It's pretty fascinating. So we all get off the plane. We're all like sick of being on the plane as a three hour flight, but it took six hours the whole thing. We finally land. Now I'm just got my earbuds in. I'm trying to get to my Uber and this one, I see all the girls like shuffled around like

where do we go? Where do we do it? And they start following me. I don't know why. Cause I guess I just knew what I was, looked like I knew what I was doing, but I didn't, I was still also looking and this one girl goes, are you getting an Uber? And I go, yeah. And they go, okay, now we're all in an elevator together.

So it's me and like 12 girls. That's fun. Probably, you know, probably 35, 40. That's Bukaki. Aha. I'll take it. Fantasy. I'm going down.

So we're going up in the elevator and they're all like, what should we do? Should we get an Uber or should we get a lift? And then they go, how do you get an Uber? And I go, you don't know how to get an Uber? And they keep asking me these things. I'm like, all right. So I show them on my app. I go, you just got to get the app and you don't do blah, blah, blah.

And they go, okay, how long does it take? I'm like, well, it'll be here. And they're like, is it cheaper than a cab? I'm like, yes. So we're going on a blah, blah, blah. And then one of them goes, what are you doing later? And I go, I'm doing a thing. I'm doing a comedy show.

And they go, oh, and I was a blatant hit on. And all the other girls go, whoo. Oh boy. And it was one. I was outnumbered. There was 12 squawking twats and just me in the elevator with my dumb suitcase. Squawking twat. Great Indian name.

Oh yeah. Native American. So and I felt trapped and I was off the guards. I wasn't. I had nothing cool to say. I blew it. And I just go, oh, I'm doing a comedy show. I'm gay.

I hate myself. And she was like, huh, what? And the door opened. They were all like, he was weird. But you couldn't say, come to the show. I mean, because now you're headlining. I know. But now you're cool.

You're like, I got a headline. You could have said private. I'm a comedian. I'm on Conan. And they got a big dick. Yeah. I guess. But I felt like the woman in the situation.

And I got the whole thing. Like, oh, I get why they're annoyed because I was off. Right, right. Ah. Ah, you blew it. I blew it. I got a fish in the sea. Well, you know, I've got a gal now, but you just want to, like, come off cool.

Of course. Yeah. You want to get off cool. Sure. So I blew it. And I walked out of the elevator. And they were all like, he was weird. And I was like, God.

Yeah. That's uncomfortable. It stinks. It's weird when you get hit on and you blow it. Yeah. You just want to represent yourself well. That's what it is. That's what it is.

And I wanted to shoot them all down, too, but, you know. So then I go get to the hotel and I go, I got to hit the gym today. It's been too long. I look at my bag. I forgot to pack gym shorts. No. Once again. Oh, boy.

So I go to the gym and I go, you know what? I'm just going to walk in, say I need a guest pass, and just start working out. With jeans? With jeans. Oh, boy. I'm wearing jeans and a t-shirt. Oh, boy. So I go in and I know, because I've been to a few gyms with like, hey, no, no dice.

I mean, you're not wearing the right attire, which is strange because what's the difference really? It doesn't hurt the equipment. I look like a weirdo, but it's just cloth. It's just a different cloth. Yeah. I think I agree on that one. Yeah.

I'm wearing sneakers, a t-shirt, and denim. Yeah. If I split my pants, it's my fault. Right. It's my problem. So I go in and the lady's like, I'll be right with you. She's doing something and she's like, hey, what do you need? I go, I need a day pass and she looks me up and down.

She's like, you're not a member, huh? I go, no, no. She goes, all right, well, sign this thing right here. She goes, you're not from around here. I go up from New York. She's like, I love New York. Yeah. I'm doing the comedy show.

She goes, I love comedy. There you go. Free tickets. You got them. Nice. She goes, all right, you can go in for free and I'll let you slide with the jeans. All right. So everything worked out.

Now I'm the weirdo and I'm getting the stink guy from everybody in this gym. They all hate me. I'm jeans guy. Well, they assume you're crazy. Yes. I think that's the only thing is it's mentally disturbing to everyone else in the gym. They're like, we got a jean guy on our hands. It is.

And I work out at a rec center and I get a lot of old fogies who work out in business suits and dress socks and top hats and I'm always like, look at this lunatic and I was on the other side of it. But I have to say, if you're going to have a jean work outer, you're a good guy to have because you look at you work out, you're young, you're you see a guy in jeans working out. He's got a patch and he's drooling and you know, he's like a fucking anchor tattoo and an open-toed sandal.

Yes. Healed clog. You know what I mean? Sure. Well, so I felt so. What's the word? Sub. No.

Conscious. No, it's not self-conscious. Self-conscious. Yes. Conscious of self. Yes. And you know, you're just trying to power through just to get out of there. And there's this one fat chick who's in there and she's giving it everything and she's

getting weird looks and she's grunting and sweating and eating a hamburger and just pushing this weight up. So I go up to her and I go, hey, sorry about the jeans and she goes, oh, I appreciate that. I was wondering about the jeans, but hey, there's no excuse for not working out. And I go, you got that right, you fat whore. And we bonded. Nice bond. Good bond.

Fat woman jeans guy. Yeah. So then had a great show, Acme Comedy Club. What a club. One of the top five, I'd say. Oh yeah. I would say top three even. Interesting.

Yeah, it was a good one. So. And I didn't even work there. You've been there, huh? I've worked there, but I've been in headline there. I'll make a few phone calls. All right. See what you can do.

All right. So good times. Next day I go, I'm going to see the whole, I woke up hungover and I go, I'm going to see the whole city of Minneapolis. You see that strip club where they say, uh, 500 hot girls and two ugly ones. I did. That's fun. I did see that.

Yeah. I love that. Right by the hotel. Yes. So I get out and I walk to Ideal Diner, which is way out. I have to cross the Mississippi River, which is so weird. The Mississippi is right there because I grew up next to it as a youth in Louisiana and here it is up in Minnesota.

What has four eyes and can't see an old man. Mississippi. Ah. So I go cross the Mississippi, go to a diner, go to a brewery, have a couple of pops, beautiful day. It's like 70 degrees out. I'm hungover. I'm gay.

I jump in an Uber. I go down to Matt's bar in the ghetto. Hey Matt. That's what everybody told me to do. And they said, you got to get a Lucy, juicy Lucy. Oh, a couple of those in my day. Yeah. It was a big fat burger and they cooked the cheese right in there.

Oh, I love that. They did that the 13th step. Yes. Right. Great style. They claimed to have invented it. That's fair. This place got a line out the door.

It's a bunch of fat people. It's great. You get in there. You get a cold brew. I got a Lucy, goosey. Bit into it. Hot molten cheese squirts all over me. That's the issue.

Yes. I got a money shot of a squirter. Cheese shot. Yes. So I'm sitting next to these two like fratty guys and one of them's Asian and he goes, oh, I got you. Oh, I got him. They were talking about it how I didn't know and they were waiting for it.

Oh, that's fun. Yeah. It was fun. It's like dumb and dumber with the peppers. Exactly. So now I'm shooting ketchup and mustard up in the air and trying to catch it with my mouth. It was just a goof. Yeah.

And I'm, you know, mouth is on fire. The whole thing. We had a good time. And now I'm talking to this Asian kid. He's cutting up and he starts talking out of the blue and makes a yellow joke. He makes a yellow joke. He makes a yellow joke. Okay.

I can't remember how it came up, but he's like, well, I'm a yellow. And he goes, you know, I've noticed that and I laughed and he goes, you know, I've noticed that the whole country is very sensitive now. You can't make any jokes. Yes. And he starts going into this shit unaware. I'm a comedian. It was pretty great.

And then he goes straight into racist. Really? I go, I want some good bars I can go to. And he's like, oh, you go to this bar, but I'll tell you the, you don't want to go. They go, they go there. Oh, wow. Oh, shit. The Asian guys got loose on the, on the N word here.

It's always jarring. It's jarring. And that's what happens when you, cause yeah, we do somebody with joking around that when you see real racism, you're like, bye, golly. Exactly. Cheese run down my face and Asian guys say in the N word, it was a cookie day. Quite a scene. So yeah, I got a egg on my face.

So I was like, God, thanks buddy. He gave me a couple of recommendations. I got the hell out of there. I was like, that Asian is a trouble. So he had, he had some kind of, some kind of problem. Like maybe a Afro-American, a banged his lady or something. Cause something was going on. Interesting.

He had a, he had a bone to jizz. So I got the hell out of there. I went to a rooftop bar uptown. There's 10,000 lakes. It's the Lando Lakes. Yes it is. Now we got into a fight, not a fight, but we got an argument. I think Minneapolis is a hell of a city.

I think it's better than Madison. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's a great city, but I think you're the only person taking the Minneapolis better than Madison stance. Great town. They got Pillsbury, Best Buy, Target, 3M, Lando Lakes. They're killing it.

You're naming corporations. I mean, when Madison, you got like that whole state street is amazing. You got the huge, huge lake as well. A beautiful lake. It's a nice lake. You got the school. This place has 22 lakes. Beautiful women, better women in Madison.

You got the capital. I mean, the club, both clubs are great. Both clubs are great. But I mean, Minneapolis, you have like this gang violence there. Oh is there? Oh yeah. I didn't know that. Timber wall, get real with that.

They got the twins. Yeah. It's a nice ballpark. But I mean, Madison is like one of those classic great cities. Minneapolis is nice too. I like the men. I like St. Paul even better than Minneapolis. How about that?

St. Paul's the retarded uncle. No. It's the gay cousin. Either way. I like a GC. All right. Madison. Right in folks.

We'll take a poll, but I mean, this is going to be ugly one for you. This isn't Cleveland Cincinnati. No, no, no, no. Madison is, I mean, that's, we're going to get 75% of the vote. No way. Minneapolis, killer city and Tuesday's galore. I mean, it was lousy with Tuesday's. I had Chris come out with a card.

Sandy, black fan came out with a card. All kinds of people hugging, touching, squeezing, groping. Great Tuesdays. Thanks for coming out. Most Tuesday cards have ever gotten in any one city. Hey, Sandy, stay away from those Minneapolis Asians. Yeah. Not on your team.

That guy was terrifying. But thank you, Sandy. I appreciate the card as well, Sandy. Nice note. You know, it was personalized. Oh, and I got a lot of drugs too, by the way. Oh, that's fine. Well, there you go.

Minneapolis. Boy, go pack Joe. He's really not going to care for this Minneapolis over Madison. He's going to be in the dog house. Was he a Madison fan? He lived there. That was his place. I'm a fan of Madison as well.

I'm just saying. I think it's more livable. They're not close. Ah, you're crazy. Great town. Hell of a town. 10,000 lakes. All the whole thing.

That's a state thing. Chicago, close to Milwaukee. Madison's closer. All right. Well, that is in Milwaukee, but go live in Minneapolis. Milwaukee is a city. Madison's not in Milwaukee. Milwaukee's in Wisconsin.

I'm sorry, Wisconsin. You stink. Geography. New York ends in a K. Blow me. All right. So careful. Just touched me. Oh, it was a microphone.

There's a microphone behind you. I keep it on all times. So then I Ubered home. How about this? All right. Uber driver. Tesla. Really?

You ever been in one of these? Never in my life. Woo. Who has a Tesla and an Uber side gig? I said, this guy's name was Pericles. He was a Greek fuck. What's he doing? 22-hour shifts?

How's he afforded the Tesla? I think he's bored at home. He hates his wife. He hates his kids. He's a multimillionaire. He's just getting out and meeting people. I hate these guys who want to meet new people. Yeah, that's because they live in Minneapolis.

No. This doesn't do. But this guy's Greek. He's new to the town. Anal. So he's all, he's the nicest guy getting this Tesla. Dark white seats. These seats are patent leather.

It's bleach white. I'm like, how long you had the car? It's like a year. I'm like, what? Do you clean these? He's like, never cleaned them once. Beautiful seats. There's a dashboard screen the size of my asshole.

This thing's like a, like a drive-in theater. It's a small screen. I mean, it was huge. He was touching this and touching that. This guy was googling things and doing dictionary.com. Playing Tetris. It was bananas. This guy was so sexy.

He had the glasses on. He had like techno plague. What kind of glasses? Like a hip sunglass. Oh, sunglass. Yeah. Yeah. Like a Ray Ban.

I was thinking horn rim for some reason. No. No rim. Rim job. So this guy. No rims. Yeah. Yeah.

This Tesla and it was smooth as a cum guzzling Nazi. This thing was jizzing all over the road. He goes, watch the horsepower in this thing. He guns it, which was a little awkward because he took me way out of the way just to gun it. Yeah. And so I'm like, I want to get home you fucking Greek nut. So finally he just guns it. And this thing, the pickup, and there's no carburetor.

There's no gas. It's all plug in. Carp free. Yes. And you don't have an oil change. I was like, how much? I'm going to buy one of these. It was futuristic.

The handle pops out. It's beautiful. Oh, popped handle. I mean, it can't be cheap. They're like $350,000 or something. They're 100 thou. And if you want the deluxe pickles and onions, that's 140. I don't need a P and an O.

All right. I'm down with OPP. You know me. Yeah. I was wet in the back of this thing. That was sexy ride. Wow. So smooth.

No gas. And they go plug in. It's really, it's really something. Can I just side note? Irish and fear this morning is like, come over for a barbecue. And I'm like, great. We'll be there right after the podcast. They were just texting me, hey, you hungry?

I'm like, I'm coming over the house for a barbecue. I don't think this barbecue is happening to be honest. Let me just respond to this text. Yeah. I mean, this is crazy. He's a fucking lunatic for a cool guy or whatever. I think he's mad at me. Oh, wait.

Oh, he did respond. He just wrote, are you hungry to me? I'm about to pass the supermarket. What are you, my aunt? Third Street. And I couldn't get, I could get some steaks with my Netflix money. What? I don't know.

What does that mean? All right. He's getting old. He's losing it. He's cutting and pasting. I'm like, we invited us over for a barbecue. Of course we're hungry. I haven't eaten all day.

Yeah. He's losing it. He's not all right. This is like another time you invited us over the big barbecue. This is like two years ago now. We all show up. There's like 10 of us. He's not home.

It says, hey, I ran out to get food. Wow. He tells us to come over. He's out at the supermarket. So we sat on his sidewalk for like 10 minutes. He's a senile old heave. Yeah. He really is a cook.

Get it together. Are you hungry? He's an SOH. It's like Nate did that one time. He invited me over for a barbecue, a cookout. He couldn't figure out how to figure out the grill. So we cooked spaghetti. We had spaghetti on the porch.

He is Italian. Yeah, sort of. He's like Italian, but like not like an Italian. No. He's got nothing in him. He's like a southern guy. He's more Republican. All right.

Well, we better. Oh, God. All right. What else? All right. So Saturday night had the show of my life and Acme Comedy Club. They will record sets, which I never care about. You know, I'm like, I got on my phone.

I'm good, but they recorded it and I had a set of my life, much as you did on Saturday night. We both had the set of our lives at the same night. Opposite sides of the country. Yes. So I go, oh my God. That was the set of my life. I got to get that recording.

The guy goes, you got to give me a email. I'll send it on Monday. I go, thank you. Monday rolls around. Had the worst Monday. I fly back into New York. I'm looking at my notes. I'm going to visit my parents in my apartment on Monday.

Brutal. This is what I got to come back to. You know, you want to come back. You want to throw your shit down. You want to take a dump and you want to fuck your asshole. But my mom and dad are at my house eating chicken out of a box. So by the way, oh, my mom was sitting here. My apartment is tiny, 400 square feet.

I have a screen door over the bathroom. It's like a, what do you call that? It's like partial wood, particle wood, or it sucks. Vented. It's the kind I can look out and see. When I'm shitting, I can see your feet. It's like shades, you know, almost. Yes.

It's shady. So my mom and me, me and my dad are on the couch talking. My dad's 70. So he's got a hearing aid. You can barely hear it. My mom goes in the bathroom and you can hear everything. You can actually hear things better when they're in the bathroom. Yeah.

It's almost like a recording studio. So she's in there. And she drops a bomb. I can hear everything. Me and my dad are like, so how about that subway? Oh, God. Oh, it's horrific. My mother wouldn't be able to do it.

My mother needs everyone down the hall with earmuffs on in order for even past gas. Your mom's normal. My mom's already coming into my life with a crowbar. Now she's shitting right on my dreams. Oh my God. But it was such a wild dump. And I was like, I didn't know my mom had it in me or in her. She probably had one leg up.

I hope she didn't have it in you. She's holding a, what do you call it, a roll bar. Just dropping logs in that can. That's where the chin up bar is. There you go. So boy, but my mom's a little delusional. She's one of those people like, they didn't hear that. Trust me.

They didn't hear that. Oh, jeez. But we just heard everything. I mean, my dad just sitting there like, oh, how about those Beatles? They had some good songs. Woo. So that was rough. So I get back and you want to veg out a little bit and recoup.

Yeah. And your parents are shitting in your face. And then I look at my notes because I thought of something funny. Somehow I highlighted all my notes, pushed a button, replaced all the notes with the letter B. Oh, I hate the letter B. Years, years of notes, podcast stories, jokes, premises, tags, swastikas, all gone. At least give me a K or an L.

I know. A B. Fuck a B. I'm an idiot. I Googled my notes. My mom's shitting. I'm gay. I hate my dad.

He can't hear. And they go, all you got to do is shake the phone. You shake it. Shake the phone. What is it? That's a sketch. It's a shake weight. You shake the phone and it says undo.

Oh, I've seen that. Yes. Yeah. Undue text. I've always hated the undo because it was like, what is it? Get out of my way. Shook the phone. I go, oh my God.

I can't believe it's work. I'm going to get it all back. I hit a good undo. I hit undo. The B went away. Oh. You see what I'm saying? The B and C4.

BC. I wish I could go back to BC. I'm in AD. I got no notes. Was it a capital B at least? It was a lower. Oh. Lower B right up the tailpipe.

Because a capital B looks like a pair of tents from above at least. That's true. Boobs on the calculator was big. Oh, that was fun. Yeah. Yeah. That was entertainment back in the 90s. That was 80085.

That's right. Or vice versa. It was 58008 and then you flip it. That's right. Yeah. That was in K. But holy shit. I got all those notes gone.

I went to the Apple store even. They said fuck you and your B. You're shit out of anal. So I go blow me. My mom's shit right in my life. I thought it should be in a cloud though. Isn't there a cloud involved? The cloud is involved if you delete.

I. Replace. Replaced. They don't fuck with a replace. There's no replacing in the cloud. They need to replace fuck. It'd be nice. That is Peter.

Yes. He's divorced. Oh yeah. So it was a brutal Monday and then deleted the notes the whole thing. And yeah. That was it. He got Joe just farted on the microphone. And I'm out.

That's all I got. I got no notes. I got no quiff and my mom's shitting in my can. Oh that fart smells like trash. Hold on. Exactly like trash. Wow. It's a rubber fire down there.

I don't know if you can smell that. I got a quickie. But we got to run out. Run out and go eat. Wrap it up with your quickie here. All right. I got some other things that I missed. I got two quick things.

Went to the baseball game Blue Jays and Rays. Is it Toronto Tampa Toronto Blue Jays playing in Tampa. I spent some money. Got tickets right in the front row right behind the dugout where you put your feet up. Oh I love the sea that George wanted. Yes. I got a big laugh. John Gibbons the manager of the Toronto Blue Jays.

Cool guy. Big guy. He's like one of those classic baseball guys square job. Man. Love it. Love it. Chewing a little tobacco. Oh yeah.

And the guy runs the first base breaks his ankle or snaps his ankle. Gibby. He goes out there to check on him. As he's coming back. I'm in the front row and we're five feet away. Hey Gibby. I'm available baby. And he laughs.

He laughs. He goes I'll keep you in mind. I got a dialogue with the manager of a baseball team. Wow. And everyone was like hitting me. Candor's laughing. He's like I should have videoed that. That was so cool.

That was a big video miss. It was fun. So then he videoed. Then he got ejected later in the game. Oh he kicked dirt. He got a. No no dirt kick. It was kind of a tame ejection.

He must have said something we couldn't hear. Times have changed. But anyways he's coming back. And he's walking back to the dugout to go to the clubhouse. And the Bruins were playing at the same time the Tampa Bay Lightning. And I go hey give me can you get us a hockey score. He didn't laugh at that one because he's just been ejected.

But that was a good line. But that one's on video. That one on video. He's in a bad place. Yeah exactly. But it was fun to get a laugh from a baseball manager. Oh is that why you wrote on Instagram I bombed. I said I'm bombing.

I didn't get it. But that was fun because it was in the dugout. And then some lady commented you say you're a comedian but nothing here is comical. Wow. And I'm like I blocked her. But I wanted to write. Well you don't.

You just have a bad sense of humor. Right. I said I'm bombing as though I'm talking to the dugout as though they would be laughing. It's funny. Comical is a bad. That was a dumb word on her part because it's just because you don't think it's funny.

It's so comical. It is comical. Yeah. I know comical. Comical. But anyways how about this. This is the last thing and then I'll suck my own dick. I love Gibby.

So I come home from a long week. I get home the apartment is all crystal clean. Smells fresh. Everything's vacuumed. Oh God. So I text my wife I say boy you did a great job on this. Now there's been a bag of clothes with coat hangers sticking out of it on the floor in the living room for three weeks.

And last week I said hey is this we getting rid of this. And Sarah my wife she says oh yeah I just haven't got to it yet because she thought I was like hey what are we doing with this. Right. So she took it as like yeah I'll do it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm an asshole.

So I went all right all right. So I said you know what I'm going to do. She cleaned the apartment. I've been gone. She's working hard. I'm going to go drop it off. So I drop it off at the Salvation Army. I'm terrified.

She comes home from work. I say hey by the way I took care of your clothes. Got rid of all those. And she goes what. Oh God. That's dry cleaning. That's my best clothes. Ah the best clothes.

The best clothes. Not the laundry clothes. The dry cleaning clothes. I gave them to the Salvation Army. Oh. So right now there's some homeless douche that I didn't want to support because I'm giving money to Planned Parenthood out there wearing Sarah's fucking cashmere sweater.

There's some well-dressed hobo out there wearing Calvin Klein. I go I'll get it back. Don't worry. I'll call the next day. I go hey it's opening time. I call. I go I'm coming down there. Get my clothes.

They go that's at the warehouse. We set that up. I thought if you dropped off in the Salvation Army it just stays in that store. Like Goodwill. Yes. I was like I'll go buy it. I'll go re-buy it.

Yes. But it doesn't. It goes to some factory and they distribute. Like who needs a nice Sarah's sweater. Is that right? And they mail it to Minneapolis because it's not as good as Madison. I don't know about that.

So I threw away my wife's best clothes. I thought I was doing the right thing. You had Goodwill. I thought I was doing a favor and instead I just trashed like a thousand dollars with the clothes. Oh that's it. But there was a coat hanger sticking out. Divorce was on the way.

I feel like a big bag of cunts. So I feel bad. Don't throw that bag out either. So check out our podcast. Give her a go good. Check out Vag. Podcast. Give it some good review.

And listen it's really funny. Her and Adrian are great. Give it some good reviews. Go on a review and say hey we're giving this review because of the clothes. Right. We heard about the dry cleaning incident. Five star review and tell a friend.

You don't think that'll piss her off. That's good. That's being reminded of the clothing. Over it. She's understanding. You know she's a good person. It's a comical way. Good person.

Folks get the fuck on the Patriot. Oh let me plug some data because I got some dates. We need to get the people there. I got dates as well. And I had the classic thing happen. We had all a temp. I just I really spread the word. Oh yeah.

Promoted and promoted and promoted classic things. Some guy goes are you in Tampa. I just did seven shows. I hate that. Seven. What is that. Nice guys. A sweet guy.

I think he's trying to avoid social media. Blah blah blah. I apologize. But still. So get the word out folks. And I got some big ones coming up here. Syracuse funny bone June 7th through the 10th. It's a tough city.

I know you think it's better than New York. But well I'm doing a playoff the Minneapolis Madison Syracuse sticks. So I'm going to Syracuse. Tough stuff. I got Tom Dustin with me and big Al. What a gig. Alvin David and Tom Dustin the three boys.

We used to live together. They're all back together. So if you're in Syracuse near Syracuse make the trip. June 7th to the 10th. Then Fort Collins June 13th some theater. I don't know. Google it. Fort County theater.

Augie theater on June 13th then Denver Comedy Works. That's when we really want to fucking sell and hit it and suck each other's dicks June 14 15 and 16. Big market kid. Come to that one. And then Comedy Nest in Montreal June 28 29 30. Sarah will be on both of those gigs with me. Come out.

Bring cards the whole thing. And then Providence Comedy Connection. New England folks July 19 20 21. I'm coming back to the Dublin Fest Vodafone Festival. Finally Hyena is in Dallas in August Albany and funny bone in August. So some big stuff but Denver spread the word email tweet text it out tell all your friends I want to make sure everyone

knows that's a big fucking market dude. I feel like we got some love in the D town. Yes. Yes sir. Denver Mountain High Rocky Mile High whatever the fuck. John Denver the other guy. So come out there and the patreon release genuinely. If you want some good Tuesday action fork over three

dollars a month. Come on. That's right. That's nothing. I feel like our patreon might be better than a lot of these pods you got on your phone there. Chewie. Yes.

Not our part. Come on. I've been dating Ohio. I love dating. Yeah. It's better than Madison. I'm there with Chris Allen then comedy works in Denver as well also at the Fort Collins on that Wednesday.

Nate's out there as well. Don't go see him. Come see me or go see him one night. Come see me another night. He's going to want to get drunk. That'll be interesting. Cluster fest in San Fran say hello wise guys in Utah folks. I had a kid hit me up.

He said I'm 20. I can't get into the club. What do I do? I said I'll have you give me a private show at the hotel. Yeah. You can get in. Liberty live upstate New York and West Nyack. Then.

Oh boy. We're out in DC. The America's capital. That's draft house comedy. Come out to that. That'll be fun. That's going to be a hit in the holler. Then we're in the old funny bone Omaha.

Omaha. Then I'm in New Orleans again. One eye jacks on August 17th doing the. Oh God. Hartford funny bone. That's going to sting. I got that coming up. Connecticut Hartford side splitters.

I'm out there. If you saw Joe come see this kid out there. Well we'll yuck it up in the Scientology Beach. Then I'm at hyenas in Dallas. Me too. In August. Oh we got a similar schedule. I know.

I know. Hopefully they separate. Put us distance. Yeah. So people can afford to go twice. I'm there in September. So we got a month. Couple weeks.

Then I'm in Gotham comedy club right here in there. Big Apple the home city of New York. Zany Chicago. Please come out to that. Uncle Vinny's in Jersey Shore. Oh wow. And Pittsburgh improv. A lot of fun stuff.

We always get people that want to see us in pit. That's right. That's big. Batman. Mr. Pitt. I have grace. So yeah. Come on out.

Yell at Chipotle. Tell your mother to go eat a bag of eggs and come on and see us. Bring a card. Give us money. Check out the Patriot. We love you. Sorry asking for too much. But God bless America seeing those fans come out to the live.

Show is really a thing of beauty. It's all lunch over and out. Praise Allah. Blow my asshole. Appreciate it. We really appreciate it. We love you. See you in hell.