Tuesdays with Stories! - #246 Chip Bones

Episode Date: May 22, 2018

It's a toothy Tuesdays as Joe shepherds Sarah Tollemache around the city to fix her chipped tooth while Mark trips on shrooms all over the city of New Orleans. Plus, Joe may have saved a woman's life! Check it out! Subscribe to our Patreon for new bonus eps featuring Ron Bennington, Chris Distefano, Nikki Glaser, and Yannas Pappas. Plus, a new bonus vid with Joe, Robert Kelly & Ari Shaffir! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download Go on iTunes and give the pod a #5StarLunch review!

This is a stand-up New York Labs production, providing you podcasts since 2013. Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard.

And then the duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe Lest. Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody.

That's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. Ha ha! Good God, we are here. Holy moly. Good to be back. I am road hard and put away wet, as they say, which I never got. No, I've only ever heard you say that to be quite funny.

Oh, really? Well, I got it from somewhere. I didn't write that piece of garbage writing. But road hard, I get. Yes, road hard. You got a dick that's hard. Yeah, boner on the road. But then put away wet.

What is it? That's got to be in reference to something. Yeah, maybe like they didn't have time to dry it. Oh! Like paint. They painted or they showered, but they didn't have time. They put it away wet. We just got to...

We're so tired, it's got to get in there. Right, right. Put away wet. We're going to get some tweets about this one with the origin. I'd like to put something away wet. If Shelby were here, we could have him look it up. But we're doing another mark apart. This is like three out of four at your apartment.

That's right. It works for me. But yeah, I can see it's not the same. We don't have the same... In the studio, you get some closure. Is that it? That's definitely not it. You get security?

A little security, maybe. Well, you have Shelby. We're kind of facing each other. There's a table. This is like we're facing four. It's like driving Miss Daisy. You got your screensaver on, which is very colorful. Yeah, it's a little gay.

What is it? There's a lot of... I see diner. I see psycho. Is it a movie situation? Yeah, I think so. Maybe a princess bride back there. King Kong.

King Kong. I see a sleepless in Seattle situation. I see my father's cock. Oh, this Jaws is the orca from Jaws. All right, all right. This has got to be no fun for anybody else. No, no. And then you see a Roseanne billboard.

What the hell is this? I can't think of billboards coming through as in to say, hey, these are the ads for the shows. Oh, I see. There's Big Ben, Hollywood. All right. Well, we got to stop doing this, certainly. All right.

I'm anal-ing. Yeah. Titanic. We're going to have to turn the TV off. Titanic was put away wet. Oh, yeah. There you go. Iceberg lettuce.

It sounds like a wrapper. Oh, I could see that. Yeah, like a healthy wrapper. Well, if you say anything, you could say it's a wrapper. You could say anal-rape sex, and that could be... He's the lead singer of Run the Jewels. That feels more death metal. Anal-rape sex.

Good point. Maybe not anal-rape sex, but I'm saying, you know, there's a lot of different things. Like, certainly like Pearl Jam, great band. Yeah, sure. But if you just said, I'm thinking about naming my band Pearl Jam, you'd be like, that sucks. What are we talking about?

But it's just become accepted, and if the band is good enough, it doesn't even matter. Right. I was so young when they came out, I was like, Pearl Jam. And I remember my friend said it's named that because his aunt was named Pearl, and she made good jam. And I went, wow, a little I know.

He was lying to me, and he's dead now, but it still tricked me. Well, he might have been just incorrect. Ah, I knew this kid was a little shifty. Ah, I hate a shifty kid. Yeah, not good. Now that is a wrapper. Shifty kid, yeah. Or you could put Lil or Big in front of a lot of things.

Yes. They say, do that with me, they say, you go Lil and the last thing you ate is your rap name. So we'd both be Lil burrito. Oh, that's fun. Yeah, Lil queso. Uh-huh. Something.

A Mexican kid. Hey, have you seen Evil Genius yet on the Netflix? I did see it, yes. It is really something else. That woman was a cooze. Yeah, not a nice lady. Brutal, and they're all like, she was so beautiful, and they had something, and something about her.

I'm like, I'm looking at her. She's horrifying. Well, she's kind of hot in her early photos. She had huge knobs. Big knobs and a beautiful face. Nice eyeball. The whole face, I thought, was good. It sounds like you didn't care for the face.

I wasn't crazy. The bottom half I wasn't into. I'm a big, I can tear apart a face. Oh, really? I could break it down. I could come on a face, if you don't mind. I do. All right.

Well, that's fair. Well, let's get crazy. Check out that show if you get the opportunity. That's those duplas again. They're killing it. Well, they produced. I don't think they did much. They produced.

Well, maybe they got a good eye. Yeah, they do. I feel like they just, oh, there's the clock tower from Back to the Future. Did I already say that one? No, no. Look at the Seattle Steelers. Yeah.

And the Seahawks. The Seahawks. Oh, yeah. This is really a hell of a screensaver. All right. We're going to get all kinds of angry tweets and messages. Let me tell you about my day here, because it's been a real kooky one.

We're on acid. I woke up today and went straight to the oral surgeon. Oh, is that for BJs? Dr. Ostuni. I wish. Ostuni. Is that Asian? No, Italian.

Ostuni. Japanese and Italian, all these ending vowels. We talked about this before in an earlier episode. That's true. Yes. Ostuni. I wish I had a gong. Oh, Japanese.

Oh, boy. We can get you a gong. All right. Thank you. Anyway, so we went there. So yesterday, Sarah gets home. I get home. She goes and plays soccer.

She's in the little soccer league there out in Brooklyn. Yeah. How cute is that? Yeah. Little comedians out there playing soccer, having fun. You're a soccer mom. That doesn't make sense. Well, dad?

A soccer husband. Ah-ha. Soccer hub. I'm a soccer husband. So she gives me the text that says, took a soccer ball to the face. Wow. Chipped my teeth. Whoa.

And my jaw doesn't close properly anymore. And now I'm thinking, I got to call a divorce lawyer. I can't have a chipped tooth. I can't be dating Lloyd Christmas over here. Oh, no. Damn. I don't want to be fucking David Pasternak, folks. Ah-ha.

Hockey player. So I go, oh, boy, that sounds like a bummer. How bad is it? You know, you want that assessment? Sure. Send me a photo. Yeah. I want a photo.

So I know if I need to pack my gear and hit the high road. That's the end of that penalty box. That's a vagina joke. It wasn't too bad. She gets home. And of course, I'm just like trembling. It was nice because I had a brunch spot at the stand. And it got me out of that.

I was like, my wife's got a broken face. I got to stay home. Selfies were playing. That was nice. You're at work. But you don't want to be gone when your wife's like, I got my face bashed in. I'm knocked unconscious.

My jaw is displaced. My tits are crooked. I don't want to be like, all right, well, I'll be at the stand eating free lunch. Yeah. So I had to cancel that spot. And then it's weird because the book was like, keep me updated. So I'm like, all right.

So now I'm just texting Patrick Milligan. I'm like, the tooth is broken. And then today, I went to the doctor. I'm like, do I keep texting Patrick? How long do I keep him updated for? Go your whole life. Why not? It's fun.

I just blew her. You don't need therapy anymore. He got Milligan. Just checking in. We iced her face and shaved her pussy. So did you leave the stand or you stayed? No, I was at home still. I hadn't left.

I was about to leave. I see. I'm such an asshole. I thought you were saying you didn't have to go to the hospital. No. That's what my brain went. You're like, oh, I was at the stand. I didn't have to go.

No, no. I skipped the stand to do it, to tend to my wife. Wow. That shows how big of a cock I am. Well, it doesn't make you a cock. It's just maybe a bad husband. All right. Well, I'm not.

I'm not a husband. I'm not a soccer husband. That's for sure. So anyway, so then I go, wait. Now I'm like, all right, I'm sitting here watching the game, being like, what's this going to be? I'm trying to prepare. And you know what I mean?

My teeth and jaw is like my biggest fear. It's where all my anxiety goes to. I'm like, my tooth, they're falling out. I'm losing a tooth. I got a cavity. Yeah. That's where it's real. Tiny mouth.

Yeah. Type two. So she gets home and I'm like, I'm so fucking amped up and anxious. She gets home and she looks fine. I'm like, great. And she can move and talk and kiss. So that's good. All right.

But she got a nice chip on the bottom and then the top is a little like, you can't see it. Even if you looked, you still can't even tell. So it wasn't so bad. Great. And I called the surgeon. I know all these dentists and doctors now because I've had all this work done and I have a good rapport because I'm a very friendly guy, as you know, and that can be quite charming.

So I call Dr. Ostuni on a Sunday and the office goes straight to his cell. He just picks up. He's like, hey, who's this? And I go, it's Joe List. You all right over there? What are you doing? This was blinking. I was wondering why the, shut up, Alexa.

Now it's not blinking. That's blinking again. Have you seen it blink? Is your mic not typed in? Well, it's blinking. They're both blinking now. We got double blink. Oh, they're in, but it's, yeah.

I guess we're okay. I don't mind a blink. It looks like we're okay on the screen here. It looks like we're on the EQ. Yeah, things are happening. EQ. Equalizer. Is that what that's called?

I might have made, that might be a sugar. That's like that, uh, Norm MacDonald joke. The E is short for E and the Q is short for qualizer. Qualizer. Yeah. Uh, qualizer douche coup. Uh-huh. I think we're okay.

It's a lesson you got married. Is that right? Yeah. It sounds like a movie. To a Jew chef. Same as Schumer. Wow. And so did someone else.

I just watched, uh, Amy Blotnick who's hilarious. She's got a whole chunk about dating the chef. Huh. These people are all fucking chefs. They're the new bad boys. I got a cook or something. Yeah. Yeah.

Make an omelet. Something. Get in there. Boy, what is it about the chef? I think it's the food, the oils, the cooking. Remember Kramer dated the chef. And that was really erotic to him. Oh yeah.

Yeah. Right. What is it? What's going on there? Eggs and butter and a pan that's flames. Also, there's a lot more to, uh, attraction and relationship than the, than the occupation, I'm sure. Yeah.

It can't just be some like fat fucking broke shitty chef with a bad tooth and a small dick. I don't know. I mean, when you go to a lady strip club, all the strippers are dressed in a job. It's always like fireman, cop, construction worker. Maybe they need a chef in there. Yeah. I suppose. Yeah.

You don't see a big top hat thing. No. A skillet. Yeah. It's not. I guess it would be kind of hot though. The nude with the, uh, what do you call that? The apron.

Apron. Yes. The word apron escaped me. Yeah. Well, you're not wearing a lot of aprons. No. My mom has worn an apron ever since I've known her. Every day.

Every day. She wears an apron in the kitchen. I don't know about every day. Sunday. She's not wearing an apron to work, but she wears an apron at home in the kitchen. It's very off-putting. Wow. My parents have never worn an apron.

One of them, even when they, they don't even have like a joke novelty apron. Oh, she's got novelty. She's got serious. She's got death and death and taxes on one of them. Does she have a kiss me on the cook or whatever? Yeah. All that. All that touch my asshole.

I'm gay. All that. Wow. My grits. All right. You sit, you're, you're, you're ladies in hard up and put away jizzy. So I call the surgeon and I thought I was going to leave a voicemail saying, hey, it's Joe List first thing in the morning.

We got a, we got a toe here. Step on it. Right. But he answers the phone, which is pretty amazing. And he's like, well, what good would it do if it was just a voicemail? And I was like, I don't know. It put me at ease. I guess he said, tell me about the problem, blah, blah, blah.

So I put her on speaker. We talked through it and just talking to somebody always makes you feel. Oh, it's nice venting. And Dr. Ostuni, if you have any oral surgery needs here in Manhattan or the tri-state area, this guy is as good as it gets, Angelo Ostuni. Great name. I mean, he's just a kick-ass guy, sexy man, couldn't be kinder or gentler machine gunhand. So he gave us a good, good business.

He said, come in first thing in the morning. Now I had also texted Dr. Ben, my dentist, who I have quite a rapport with. I texted him. Gentle Ben. Gentle Ben. So he texts, he calls like two hours later. And Dr. Ostuni said, come in at 9 a.m. first thing. And I said, great.

Then Dr. Ben calls and he's one of these New York quick talkers. He's like, hey Joe, got your message. Have your wife come in 9 a.m. sharp tomorrow. And I went, well, I already talked to Dr. Ostuni, the surgeon. He goes, nah, you don't want a surgeon, chip tooth. You got to come to a dentist. And it was just like Larry David with the pharmacist doctor. I was like, I don't know who to believe here.

He wants a surgeon. The other one's a dentist. Yeah, those are both good titles. Then they gave me the same time. He's like, 9 a.m. sharp. And I was like, what about that day? He's like, no, no, no. I'll talk to you tomorrow.

He's like, I'm going to come in early just for you. And I go, oh, fuck, he hangs up. Now you're in a medical tug of war here. Medical tug of war. Now feelings are involved. I'm trying to be the man. I felt like a real man. I really took charge.

I was like, I got the Doth doctors. Doth doctors. Doth doctors. You're setting shit up. You're taking names. I'm making it happen. Well, I already had the name. So I just kind of texted the names.

All right. Well, you're on the phone. So now we have a weird thing where I'm like, fuck, what are we going to do now? Yeah. And Sarah's like, well, I know Dr. Ostewni because she came for my oral surgery. So she at least met him.

And she talked. He talked to her for a while. He gave her the business. So we go, all right. We're going with him. Then you gave up on General Ben. Well, then I get a text from his secretary. He goes, hey, could you come in 9 30 instead?

So I go, hey, now I got a little thing. Now we're doubling up. Wow. Locking it in. It's like spots. And I'm like, well, get there early to the nine. And we'll get bumped up. Then we'll shoot over to the 9 30.

Right. Can I go first? Can I go last? Exactly. So we wake up first thing in the morning. Ice. I got two bottles of ice and a bag of peas. And she's all ice.

It looks like she had two phones. Right. Right. Right. Right. Like a drug dealer. So she's ice in the face. Then she takes the ice off.

It's all red. Looks like she has blush on. It's kind of like a nice look. A little contour. Kind of sexy. Rouge. That's what they call it. Mulan.

Head into parents. Rouge. But anyhoo. So then we set the alarm bright and early. We binge watched the program there. She cancels her spots because her face is all dinged up, which is kind of nice because now you're like, well, now we have hours.

We can hang out. We got the whole night. So we binge watched Evil Genius. I ended up having to go in town to the city to do the stand and sell her. Both great. All right. Which was fun.

And then come back. We set the alarm. We wake up bright and early today. Fucking 8 AM, which is crazy to me. What a support system. What a soccer hubby. I'm a real soccer husband. Man.

I feel like you keep leaving out the S. Well, hubby is a term. Hubby? Yeah, it's my hubby. I guess so. Well, there should be an S in there. Husby. They should.

Husby's better. Bill Husby. He's not so good. It's not a support system. I like husband better than hub. Because like hub is bad. What's all the hub hub? Hubcap.

I hate hubcaps. Yeah, who does it? I steal them. Jake Gyllenhaal and broke back mountain. Supposedly. I thought it was AIDS. No. That's Philadelphia.

Both hilarious. Yes. I love a good comedy. I'm sipping. Fill in. Oh, sorry. Hub. Hub.

Yes. Hub. Hub city. The hub. They call Boston the hub. Yeah, the airport. That's a hub. Huh?

Airport's a hub. What do you mean? Airports are hubs. Oh, an airport. Yes. All the blue. That's hola. That's hola.

Yeah. And then there's hella. And then there's Bub. Bubba. He hate Bubba. They're a couple good Bubba's. It's Bubba Watson. That's a hack prison guy every movie.

Oh, watch out. Bubba's going to rape you. Yeah. Big dick Bubba. Right. BDB. Hey, but anyways. Yeah.

So we get up bright and early. We get ready. We go jump on the train. Now we're like the morning commute, which Sarah takes every day. And I'm like, oh, this sucks. What the hell. So we get in there. We go to Dr. Ostuni.

And then we beat him there, which is always fun. Because we get there early. So we're sitting in the door opens. He's like, hey, guys. What is it? 7 a.m.? How early did you get there? Well, we get there at like 845.

He comes in at 9. So he comes in. He brings us in. And now it's fun because it's like I'm going back. It's like Buckner going back into Shea, as they say. All right. In Rounders. Brian Copleman.

The big cop. So now I'm back in the surgery room. Like last time I was here, they were pulling stitches out of my face. Right. And like before that, it's so weird being conscious and recovered. Sitting. I'm like, I was a couple of weeks ago laying here and they were sawing my gums and cracking my teeth in half.

Wow. How crazy is that? What a perfect guy to be around, not only great husband, but also you're the teeth guy. You've been through it all. You've been to the ringer. Well, that's the thing. I want to do a bit about this. I'm like a dental expert.

Yes. Because I do so much research. I'm such a maniac, neurotic fucking loser, but I just read this stuff. So I'm like, no, no. That's not a, it's like the Quinja. That's not a 519. That's a felony. Right.

I know everything there is to know about teeth. That's a canine. That's a molar. Watch the gums. That's the whole thing. So I'm in there and now he's kind of inspecting her and looking at her and then he props up in the chair, which is kind of hot because it like lays all the way down and lifts up on my voice.

It's like a real sex position over there. We could do a happy ending. Yeah. So he looks at her and he says, it's not, because usually dislocated is kind of from side to side and he feels around and we took an X-ray, which caused us a pretty penny. Is that right? Oh yeah. Not a cheap situation.

Is she with the apron on? The apron. Yeah. They charge you for the apron. Uh-huh. It's like that classic bed. It's been done to death, but like, oh, it's perfectly safe and then everyone dies behind the couch.

You know, it seems weird. She's wearing lead. Yeah. And like Luca Bronsi. So we do the X-ray and everything looks cool and fine, but so he's like, yeah, you're all good. He's like, I said, and soft foods, boop, boop, boop, bibbidi, bing. And then I'm in there.

I'm like, by the way, I had the surgery. I got a little whiteness back. Jump in the chair. You piece of shit. Wow. Look at that. Which is nice because I got a free checkup a month down the road. He's like, it looks pretty good.

It's fine here. Blah, blah, blah, boop. And I go, all right. Great. Thank you, sir. We leave. That's 400 bucks. Then we walk to 71st Central Park West.

I'm like, let's just go for a walk. We might as well enjoy it. There you go. We call that office. I said, we're going to be a few minutes late. The show was, we got bumped by Aziz. Uh-huh. Surgeon.

He puts fingers in the mouth too. Yes, he does. So we get, oh, fart coming down. You want it in the mic? Yeah. It was like a little snapper. Wow. That was a popper.

It smells real bad. Yeah. Get some of that. Yeah. That is bad. That smells like plant life. Would you get the spicy and the mild? That is.

Oh boy. Boy. That was a little mildewy. Rotten. I gotta tell you, I had cheese pizza three meals in a row. We get to Dr. Ganshin now. Dr. Ben, my pal. And then we get to see him.

He gives me a big hug. He checks it out. And then it's not so bad. The teeth are chipped, but he's like, we can put this on that. Put that on that. It's only aesthetic. It's not like a whatever the fuck. So she's going in Thursday.

She'll get no vacay. She's going to give her a full cleaning and replace the little chips. How do you do that? How do you replace the chip? I think you just take a little piece of porcelain or whatever and fucking glue it on there. Wow. It seems like they would snap off in a second. No, they glue.

I mean, I got crowns. They know what they're doing now. The crown I get, but this is just a nub. Yeah. I don't quite understand. They probably shave it down a little bit is what they do. They go, they drill you up a little bit and then they glue some shit on. So she's got to go.

That's going to be another fun. Basically, she played $1,000 soccer game. Wow. And but luckily a soccer ball, which is, I said, don't you feel good when you say something and then the expert says the same thing? Sure. You're the expert now. You're like, that's what I said.

I didn't say that. I felt like Costanza. It's a 519. Give. Yeah. It's not like a dashboard or a fucking sidewalk or a baseball. Baseball bat. Yeah.

It's like a, it has a little give to it. So what happened was it hit her from underneath and she kind of bit, she bit her tongue real bad and just clenched that jaw and it's just a contusion. So it feels like her jaw is separated, but it's just like bruise. Yeah. Like if I punched you in the ball sack, your ball would blow up a little bit. Sure. A couple of days, which I'm happy to do also.

I could use a little blow up, but any who she's going and all good. And I felt like a real man though. I fucking called the dentist. I called the surgeon. I went along with her and then he shot her off to work. I walked to the park. I felt good. Called my mother and thumbed my own asshole.

Took a shower. You handle things. You cracked some skulls. That's the thing. I feel like, you know, we all talk about, oh men, women, we're all the same. We do everything equally. We're not. Society makes us different.

No, it's in there. It's an eight. It's in the bones. You want a woman like that. You want a guy like that. It's in the chip bones. Chip bones. That could be a wrapper.

Chip bone. Oh, chip bone. Little chip bone. Yeah, I guess so. Nah, that's so great. That's something. Chip bone. I thought it was a baseball player.

Yeah, maybe it's more of a baseball player. Chip bone. Anyway, so that's what happened for me today. How about that? Now it's like. That's today. That was all today. Holy dick.

And so it's weird. It's weird getting up early because all that happened and it's like 10, 15. I'm like, I got to call Derek. Derek's my go to call. I call him every day after every event. And I started calling him like, oh, it's 715 in Seattle. He's not even up in Adam yet. He might be his new dad.

Not that new. Oh, all right. You're five and two. Five and two. Yeah. That's how you drive. Yes. It's Peter's height.

All right. So, wow. Well, that is wild. I had an early day too. I got up at 3.55 a.m. Some kind of phobia. Yes. Three what time?

55 a.m. Why'd you do that? Early flight. Well, my parents live out in the sticks because they're old. I see. So, yeah. I had to get up. You got to get to the airport.

Getting to the airport takes an hour and a half. Then you got to get to the airport an hour early. And the whole thing. Boy, United really fucked us in the pooper. I thought you were Delta, by the way. I was. But, you know, my gal is a pro at getting cheap ticks. I see.

And you don't realize you get these cheap tickets. You feel like you beat the cyst. And then you get there. You get there. You get there. You get there. You get there. You get there.

You get there. And then you get there. And they're like, well, with this ticket, you got to blow the pilot. And then you got to shit in a bucket and eat it. You're like, God damn, that wasn't in there. They're like, you got to read the fine jizz. So, these tickets killed me. But I got a whole mess of squat to talk about.

Jesus Christ. So, me and the lady, we said, hey, let's go down to NOLA and really live it up. It's Mother's Day. We'll see your mom. I'll do a quick gig. We'll pay for the whole thing. Is her mom down there, too? No, no.

Oh. But she just likes the city. I got you. It's a fun place. And, you know, we'll do some drugs. We'll drink. We'll get an Airbnb and ANAL and, you know, fuck each other and the whole thing. It's a fun weekend.

And I never take a vacay. So, I said, hey, what the who? So, we go down there. I have a, my manager's getting good. He set me up with a commercial for a couple grand. The day of the flight. We fly out at 1 PM. He's like, I got you to commercial and they're going to work it out with your schedule.

5 30 AM call time. And they'll drive you to the airport at noon. Oh, that's not bad. Yeah. So, I was like, all right, I'll just suck it up. And the shoot was easy. PZ was Jose Cuervo. Oh, nice.

Yeah. So, I made some coin and got to be funny on camera and do the whole thing. Was it a bar right over here? And then they drive you to the airport. So, I told, hey, hey, driver, why don't you swing by my house and we'll pick up my game. And he said, all right, so we got a free ride. And she thinks I'm cool because we're in like a nice black townie.

She knows you're cool. Yeah. So, video shoot went well. Then we get to New Orleans. We fly in. I'm wiped. Sleep on the plane. This United flight.

We got a round trip for like $11. Middle seat. You can't change the seat. You have to check a bag. They make you 25 bones. What do you mean they make you check a bag? Chip bones. They're not there.

That's part of the ticket. That's how they get more money out of it. I don't understand. They make you check a bag? I've never done it either. But these tickets were evil. They were cursed. They were tainted.

What if you don't have a bag? Well, I don't have a bag. Flying out. So, you can't carry a bag on the plane. Cannot. I only own carry-on luggage. I don't have anything bigger than a carry-on. We get there.

You get your ticket out of the machine and the ticket says, you know, the screen's quacking because you must check this bag. So, maybe I just won't. I hate a quacky machine. I hate a quack, too. So, I go, I'm not, I said, I don't have a bag. And it prints out a ticket and the ticket says in big swastikas it says, if this bag it's got a bag, put them in handcuffs and tase them.

Oh, my God. I should have kept the ticket to show you. It's great. It says, like, no bag entry. Entry with the bags, you know, prohibited all this shit. Fucking us, these people. It's crazy. These corporations, they keep taking advantage.

And the problem is, people keep buying the Chippodipo tickets. Exactly. And big wigs go, well, we can just have Chippodipo tickets. Right. Because everyone flies the frontier in the spirit. Spirit. And so Delta goes, hey, why don't we offer a middle seat for 85 bucks and you can't wear shoes.

Exactly. They take your shoes. So, now I got the, I got the cool away suitcase, which I love. Thank you away. Cool away. I've given up the duffel for you. I'm a big duff guy, but I gave it up for you because away is pretty hot. It's lunch.

Could use some more ads, by the way, enough of this free shit. Yeah. I love another ad. I love an ad. Shelbo. Stop giving them free ads. Oh, sorry. Oh.

Yeah. All right. So. You stink. We get to, I throw the bag in. Now I'm in line and the lady goes, paging Mr. Norman, Normand, Normandy, Normanda, going to whatever. And I go, oh, geez.

So I got to get out of the big rat race. I go down to the baggage place and they go, yeah, you can't have this battery. You got the battery because they charge the away charges. That's the whole gimmick. Oh, right. Right. Right. Charge your phone.

So now you got to push a dinky-do and a button and the big battery pack pops out. So now I'm walking back with the battery pack, like a boombox in the 80s and it's heavy and black and metal. And I get, now the line's 80 miles long and the guy goes, hey, you got to get back in the line. I go, my wife has my boarding pass. I do this whole thing. I got my boarding pass.

So I'm going, all right. You loser. Get in there. So I got to skip the line. But still, it's a whole thing. Then you get to the counter. I go, once we get to the counter, I'll be able to get us some real seats because it wasn't a full flight.

So I go up to the counter and I go, excuse me, my lady, I put on my whole Sunday's best and ear to ear and winky and I throw a few candies and I go, hey, how about you move me in this gal? Because she's sitting in 38-4. I'm sitting in 41-9. And so I'm like, hey, can we sit together? Is there any way we can do that? And she goes, oh, yeah, sure.

No problem. And I slide my ticket across and she goes, ah, this has been flagged. It was like Brentanos. Yeah. I was like, you got brand muffins serving coffee as a draftman. So I said, like, not with this thing, then a guy behind me with an ascot and a cane and a monocle was like, hey, how do you do, ma'am? Could I switch?

And he goes, oh, I'll put you in first class. No problem. So we got screwed. Then we get. It sucks, by the way. I hate United. I'm never going United. It's better to pay 12 more dollars and live like a normal human being.

Of course. Plus you get the points. The brand loyalty or custom, whatever the fuck, loyalty. That's another thing. I have frequent flies going on all my airlines just in case you have to take one. Yeah. Might as well rack them up. They don't count the airlines with that ticket or the miles.

The United's fucked. Fucked. And then they got caught making all these fake delays and stuff, too, a while back. Is that right? Yeah, they would just make shit up. Wow. They got in trouble for that. And they're the ones who dragged that squeaky Asian guy off, too.

Yeah, that sounds right. That's the one that they're in business. Ah, yeah. What the hell? United. Get it. I'm not United. Well, Chicago, they're a big hub.

I think they got all the Chicago people. I'll be. So we get to New Orleans. We get an Airbnb. I got to stop booking these things because, first of all, Airbnb in New Orleans, they hate Airbnb. Like, we were getting stink eye walking down the sidewalk. Really?

Crazy. Yeah, because it's taking over the whole, all the, they're all buying houses, just Airbnbing them. So the neighborhoods are ruined. Oh, right. Right. And then the rent goes up because they're making a fortune. Right.

I've heard that. So it's a whole thing over there. But, you know, we're getting there. We're getting the crook eye. Just dragging that away bag. Last plug. And we get in. We got rocked.

This guy took a bunch of bunk photos. This place was a fucking drug den. Oh, the bunk photo. Yeah. It was a, you know, beautiful bed and furniture and coffee. Was it a bunk bed? It was, ah, it was a sofa bed. I'd kill for a bunk bed.

Oh. It was a sofa bed. So we got in there. We see the sofa. We see the kitchen. We see the bathroom. So I'm like, oh, where's the bedroom? I'm opening up closets.

Like, thinking, oh, about to walk into a bedroom. Yeah. Nothing. I'm in the closet. So. Me too. That sucked. Coming my mouth.

But we got over it. We made love on the floor. We did it up, did the whole city, really up and down. Then we did mushrooms. Oh, boy. The mushrooms. Yeah. I did a show on Friday night and the owner or the book or the guy, the good show, Dragon's

Den. Thanks for coming out. I think it's every Friday night. And he goes, you got some mushrooms for you, gave him some money. We saved the mushrooms. We said we're going to do them on Saturday during the day. So we got drunk on Friday night and did the whole city, the whole quarter. Saturday during the day, we wake up, we go have lunch with my mom.

Apron? Apron. At work, she's wearing an apron. Not a joke. She works at the Southern Food and Beverage Museum. Oh, yes. So the apron, the insignia is on the ape. And the apron.

So. Little ape. Yeah. So we go eat. It's fine. Then we leave there. We get a snowball at Hanson Snowball, which is like the famous spot. Cocaine?

Oh, that's an ape ball. Yeah. Yeah. Snowball is when you jizz on a girl's face. Oh, no, no. That's when you spit it. That's the spit. You spit the cum in the plate.

That's my dream. Yeah. You want a little snowball or a big snowball. Either way. Hey, little snowball. Yeah. That's a rapper. All right.

So we go to Hanson's. It's got a line up the door. It's a whole thing. So we get our, it's weird because we're eating this wholesome treat. It's like a slushie, basically. Yeah. And they put it in a Chinese takeout box. So it's very cute.

Yeah. And then so we sit down. We're sitting next to all these kids. We're eating our bubblegum flavor, pink lemonade, whatever, while chomping down psychedelic mushrooms. Ah. Just sit, sit right in the ballpark with these kids. Right in the ballpark.

Yeah. So it's a weird juxtaposition. Yes. He will. And so we're, and it's a, we didn't realize snowball, great chaser for, for mushrooms because they don't go down easy. You ever had these? No.

It's bad. It's hard to swallow whatever. So you get a little slush. Yeah. So now we're high out of our mind. We're sitting on a park bench looking out of the street, just watching cars walk by. People are not a lot of foot traffic and we're like having the time for like, this is amazing. Look at that guy.

Look at that car. Look at that house. Oh my God. We're just laughing. That people are walking by. We're like, just howling on a bench, me and the gal. And just having so much fun. We're like, we should go do something.

We're having this much fun on a bench. So we go to the magazine street, which is like a very popular cool street in the city. A lot of hustle and bustle shops, the whole thing, bars, restaurants. We go to the Bulldog. It was like an old two lane college bar and it's, we get in there. It's dark. It's wooden. There's people everywhere.

And it, when you're on mushrooms, everything looks like Planet Earth. You know the show Planet Earth? The show Planet Earth. The movie or one of the doc, whatever you call it. Yeah, I love it. Yeah. I love it too. I've seen a million hours of it.

So you go to the, you go in there and there's three skanks on the edge of the bar and you're like, they're just the, the females waiting to get approached. Oh, I think he meant Lewis Gomez, Dave Smith and Big J. Oh no, no, no. They were off. So these skanks, you can tell they're just waiting to get pounced by the males. Yes. And it's the big alpha male.

He's holding court. He's like the big, uh, wildebeest, you know, and, or the hyena. And then this guy, and it's all, we're all at the watering hole, you know, like, uh, like a couple of water buffalo. And then the gator comes in, ah, you know, it all, it all looks very, you can kind of like, uh, the filter goes away and you see what's, what's really happening. No filter. Uh-huh.

Exactly. So. Oh shit. Yeah. So we sit down and it was too much. We were peeking in the bulldog. So it was like, ah, you know, they're like, what do you want? And we're like, oh, what the hell?

Look at this guy coming at me. It's the part that I'm going, what can I get you? You know? Now can I say it feels like you're very bad at this. Cause every time you have a mushroom story, you're somewhere where you're freaking out. Well, that's all part of it. You might have to just go to a grass area. I think every time I talk to you like, we went to the roller coaster on mushrooms.

Ah, like you gotta go to the woods. I think we like to push it. All right. Push it. You know, it's, it's scary, but it's also like, you know, it's like a roller coaster where you're like happy to be scared. Oh, you're happy to be scared. Ah, I'm hip to be squared.

I thought you were square to be scared. I don't know. Square to be scared. You're immediately gut reactions. Like get the hell, but you have to go, this is normal. He's a bartender. He's asking for what I want. You know, so.

I feel like I live my life on mushrooms. Maybe you do. That's how I feel all the time. You don't need to do them. Someone goes, you want a burrito? And I'm like, oh my God, you hate me. I run away. I go to a different Chipotle.

If you do mushrooms, you should just sit in a padded room. Yeah, for sure. You would have a good time. So, uh, but yeah. So, you know, we get the beers and you can drink, leave. You just get a beer and leave there. That's how it works. We get a beer.

We walk down the street. We're just like, whoa, look at that guy. Look at that girl. Oh my God. Baby stroller. Ah, ah, you know, freaking out all day long. And we're just having a great time. And we see this big banner on magazine street that says champagne stroll.

Four to seven. So we go, what the hell's the champagne stroll? I look down at my phone. My phone's going. It looks like a light show. It's just the front of the phone, you know. And, uh, it says, uh, 358. And I go, well, I guess we're going to the champagne stroll.

Which is something I would never do. That's like what, like, old people do and, you know, families where every restaurant and business on the street gives out free champagne. Oh, it's a Halloween. Yeah, it is. It's a drunk Halloween. Wow. So you got to go in and pretend like you're going to buy something.

They pour you champagne. You're looking at rugs like, ah, this is a nice $10,000 item here. I'll never buy ever. And you go in. You schmooze. You go, oh, what do you have? Candy here. Never heard of chocolate.

I got it. Give me my champagne cup. So we're just blown away. We're going in art galleries like, whoa, look at that painting. Oh my God. I'm drinking free champagne. And it's all these hoity-toity, debutante southern cunts. And we're in there just like, ah, look at this.

Oh my God. You know. So it was a great time. Like, we're like touching tapestries. Like, whoa, feel this one. And, uh, we did the whole thing four to seven, just tripping our balls off. We were just skipping down magazine street. Had a great time.

Then we went to a bar and had crawfish right out on the patio and crawfish on mushrooms. We were coming down, but they don't look great. No, they don't look good. Not on mushrooms. Exactly. So you were just eating a tray of insects, but they tasted so good. And it's a good food on mushrooms because you're not like consuming a lot. It's just like a little nugget every two minutes, you know.

Ah, yes. Nug. And then you start drinking with it. Had a gay old time. And, uh, yeah, I had to pee in the street at one point. I had to pee so bad. And I, I was so fucked up that I was peeing between cars and I was talking while peeing, like looking behind me, peed all over my feet.

Didn't even realize that. Oh, that's fun. If you run into a jellyfish, you preemptedly squashed it. There you go. Does that work? If you piss all over your feet and the jellyfish stings you, does he die or something? I don't know. I wonder.

That'd be like giving birth control to a baby. Would it, would a baby dive and ate a birth control pill? I don't know. I guess not. Cause it attacks the womb or the egg or the uterus or the vulva or the areola. Yeah. I don't know. It'd be fun to just swim and piss before you get in the ocean.

Just be like, I'm afraid of stingrays. I bet swimming and piss would be good for the skin. I don't know. I don't mean you shouldn't inhale it or whatever you consume it. Swallow. Swallow, but I bet on the skin, I bet piss is solid. That'll be a thing in 10 years. Mark my anal.

All right. I'll piss on you. See what works. Yeah. Golden showers will be a thing. It'll be a pay 10 bug. It's like a steam room. You get a golden shower.

All right. It's already a good name. I'm telling you, if it cleans up a jellyfish stig, it's got to have some kind of nutrient or quality. Yeah. Some sort of powers. Yeah. Boston.

Texas. All right. So yeah, you ate the piss. Where are we at? You're drinking piss? So now it's eight at night and now the mushrooms are gone and now we're drunk, champagne, beers, the whole thing. So now we're like, fuck it.

So I called my friends. I go, what are you doing? My friends are like, I'm at home. You want to come over? We go to the, he lives right by Audubon Park. He married Rich, my friend Bo. He's a hilarious guy. He used to be a cement layer.

Oh, wow. Like he's like a blue collar, southern cunt, you know? So we go to his place, married Rich, just, I think he's well endowed, just plows this rich gal and, I mean, she's cool as hell and all that, but like they get along and he's got this beautiful home on the park, like be living on Fifth Avenue, you know? And he's got this beautiful home and that's the cool thing about New Orleans. The night before we're at the Dragon's Den, it's all these gutter punks and big old hoop earring, what do you call that, that negative hole, you know?

Oh yeah. A lot of that, a lot of face tattoo and like ripped clothing and jean with no sleeves and spiky, a lot of those spiky things on the clothing, you know? Yeah, I don't care for that. Well, that's what it is. Oh, that's the, it's dirty and dicey and grungy. I like the spiked shoe because I want it in my ass. Oh, there you go.

You know, come on in and then she sticks it in my face. Sure. Something like that. But then, then you go 10, 10 minutes over to Magazine Street and it's collogy and fratty and polo shirty and then. So, we like to do the whole city and those guys, it's the other side of the tracks, the socha and the greasers. They don't get along.

All right. Yeah, so. Gotta keep them separate. Keep them separated. So then we go to my friend Bo's house and now I'm trying, I have like all these pockets friends, I'm trying to get them all together so I can see them all efficiently. Yes. So we go to Bo's house, start drinking there, we pet his dog and then I'll go, hey, let's

go to buy you a beer garden. Now I got a friend to buy your beer garden already, so we meet up, I introduce them. Then I got another guy drinking down at Bank Street Bar, so I go, hey, you guys come and now, I mean, you know, it's midnight and I am on the moon just hammered and we went to Snake and Jakes, which is a bar that opens at 2 a.m. Oh, fun. Yeah. What's the last call there for?

I think it's all night. I think it just goes. Really? Yeah. It's a gross place. It's like almost like a trailer. It's like a double wide with a bar in it and it's kind of like a cool thing now when I was a kid.

It was like, this is where you go. Like alcohol go. It's a Christmas lounge. Snake and Jakes Christmas. I have no idea. Everything was a dollar. It's all schlitz. It's all shit.

Hmm. Do people in New Orleans ever say, can I buy you a beer? Ah. It's like a thing? Because I feel like that'd be something fun. That's not bad. That's okay. All right.

Maybe I'll go down there sometime. Go down there just to say that and then come back. Maybe I will. But. Delta. So then the last day, now it's Sunday, Mother's Day. Yes. We're hungover.

We're shroomed over. We're a mess. We had some wild, wild, crazy sex. The lady brought the vibrator and we just really pounded it out. It was one of those which was like, I want the mood. What a hoes. What a hoes. We're like, I was hitting the right twist and turn.

I had a right hook going and one leg up and the leg was doing the shaky, the jiggly Michael J. Fox leg. Love a shake leg. Yeah. I had a Michael J. and then a Hamid Ali on the other side. Wow. And it was just one of those, something clicked and she had the vibe going. I was pounding and she's like, it sounds like the vibrator clicked is what it sounds like.

Vibrator was clicking. I was clicking. We're all clicking. Yeah. So really pounded it out. I feel like I'm hogging this. I'll wrap this up. So we go.

We get some lunch. We try to even out. We get some beignets and a cup of coffee. Benhay? What is that? Benhay. Ben-yay. Ben-yay.

What's a Ben-yay? What's a Ben-yay? Yeah. It's a New Orleans tradition. It's basically like a doughnut but with powdered sugar on it and they're warm and they're great. You would love one. Oh, all right. You like a doughnut?

I don't mind a doughnut. It's better than a doughnut if you ask me. All right. And you dip it and it's good and it's like a New Orleans thing. I don't know. All right. So you get some Ben-yay. I'm just trying to do all the shit so she can see everything, you know.

And so then we go up to my parents' house and shall met which is basically like the Staten Island maybe or the Bronx of New Orleans. The Bronx. It's out there. Yeah. You're trying to live in the Bronx of New Orleans. Not the Bronx. Maybe Levitown.

Okay. Levitown. It's like a Levitown. Yeah. I got something. Long Island. I picture your parents like a tenement on like the 38th floor. Good point.

There's like cops doing up and downs here on the highway. This is like real Cajun shit like everybody's got a boat on their truck. Everybody's got a schooner and a P-rog and they have oyster shells around and a lot of seafood and all this shit. This is real Southern living. So real Bayou. So we get there. Now, you know, we got to keep it together.

My brother's got a five-year-old kid. Do you have your sister as children? Yes. This kid beats my ass from the moment I see her to the moment I leave. It's almost like a way of showing affection but it's just attacking me, pinching me. Beats you. Just hitting me with her little hand. Wow.

Uncle Mark. This shit all, you know, I pick her up and I squeeze her and tickle her and she's hitting me. Do you ever say stop striking me? I'd say it jokingly but I don't want to, you know, mentally fuck her up. Okay. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle kids.

I'm just like don't fuck them, don't fuck them, don't fuck them. What if she grows up? She's got to be like an S&M lady. That's what I was thinking. I want to say that but I don't want to know if that's weird to say to my brother. I'm like, yeah, your kid's going to like beat a man. Yeah, I wouldn't say it to him but give her my number in 12 years. 10 years.

She's yours. Did she five? Five. Yeah. Give me another 20. I might need some. All right. Well, then she's a little over the hill.

I can't have a teenager beating my ass and making me eat my own gum. I need someone in their 30s. Well, it's going the way she's going. You never know. She's very violent but I can tell if she's showing love, she's like smiley and laughing like hitting me. Uncle Mark. But you know, she's, it doesn't hurt but it's like, I'm trying to have a conversation

with my brother here but either way, we have a great time. Now I had a real epiphany. Oh. I don't know. Is it epitaph? Epiphany? Epiphany sounds good. That's like a discovery.

Yes. Epitaph is what you put on your asshole when you pass away. I thought that was a racial slur. Epitaph. Epitaph. There's epitaph and there's an epitaph. And there's epipen. There's racial epitaph.

Epitaph. What? Those are so close. Oh, maybe because Tet offensive. An epitaph is offensive. What's a Tet offensive? Tet offensive. Tet was the Vietnamese New Year and they really fucking gave us the business in Vietnam.

Tet Kennedy. The Tet offensive. Well, Tet in French is head. Tet. Oh, okay. Maybe you hurt the head. Well, he offended my head. Yeah, he gave me some bad head.

All right, so we go to my parents. Now my parents live out, my parents have always been city folk. I grew up in the inner city. And now they live out in the sticks. And when I was a kid, my grandparents lived out in the sticks. So we're sitting outside in the southern sunset, Louisiana sky. Outdoors, eating crawfish out of a bowl. The five-year-olds running around.

This is my niece. My brother is her dad. His wife is her mom. I'm here with my lady. My parents are now grandparents. And it hit me like, oh my God, the generations. It's happening, right? That's it.

Generations. I remember going to my grandma's house eating crawfish in Louisiana. And my parents were the parents. And they are their parents with the grandparents. And now it's just, it's just going down and down. Are your grandparents dead? Yes. Oh boy.

So it's all shifting, but it never really clicked before. You know, you just like, this is my life. I'm living my life. And now I'm like, oh, like we're living her life. Yes. She's seeing all that. She's taking all this in. Interesting.

It was very fast. I mean, I can't put it into words, but it was a beautiful moment. The sunset. I'm 34. My dad's almost 70. I mean, it's all just, you can't stop time. We're going to die. The days went by like paper in the wind.

Everything changed and then changed again. Sing it, sister. It's hard to find a friend. Woo. I love that. Randy Newman. Boy, that's something. Yeah, you have those moments.

You realize, boy, we're all, well, I have these weird things when we talked about this. My mother was my wife's age. I was a junior in high school. Whoa. It's crazy. That's bananas. Like I was talking to Derek, my friend, my best pal, Derek, like he was come over my house and we would hang out and my mother would like make us like Celeste pizzas, cut them up

and be like, here you go, boys. Uh-huh. My mother is the same age as my wife. Wow. I'm fucking my mother. You're fucking mom. It's crazy. It's a wild, wacky world we're living in.

And then you go, where did it all go? Where did it all go? But then you go, well, hold on now. We've been on The Tonight Show. We've done many things. We live in New York. We have a home here. You have a life here.

Yeah. See, I don't have the where did it all go. I got a little where it all. I'm just worried because if it flew by that fast already, then we're fucked. We're dead tomorrow. Nah, we're fine. And plus we live a good life. We're going to a lot of different places.

We're traveling and stuff. We're lucky. We're very fortunate. So I don't really have that feeling yet. I just go, wow, that's wacky. That's crazy. Time is funny. Time is interesting.

Yeah. I don't feel like where did it all go? Because I'm living my life. I've been to, you know, I've been to, I've been to 23 countries and 40 states. And I've had a dildo in my ass recently. So it's, you know, we're just, we're out there. It's life. I agree.

And I don't want you to have the feeling because it sucks. It's very sad and bummery. Yeah. I don't get me wrong. I get sad. But then, you know, I come in my own face. Sure. Wow.

That's a good trajectory. And that jizz there. Well, I have someone hold my ankles, my dad or my mom. Oh, you're upside down. Yeah. Oh, that you can even dribble and hit it. Oh, I dribble. I'm getting old.

Double dribble. Generations. Great game. Backdraft. Backdraft. That didn't even make sense. I didn't want to stop. Yeah.

You were on a roll. It's just a film I like. Yeah. Ron Howard. I thought it was a little cheese on. I bet if you rewatched it, it's got some real 90s cheese. Oh, there's some cheese. Yeah.

I mean, it's a murder mystery. This part is right before they meet. It's like they're going to have an axe fight. It's axe. The guy's name is axe. Yeah. And then Kurt Russell. And then axe like swings the axe to the other side.

And it gets a little dude. He goes, let him go, bro. Yeah. Yeah. Let me go, bowl. I mean, it's slow motion. There's some cheese, but I think it's still very good. Donald Sutherland, Robert De Niro.

And I've gotten a fight about this. And Keith at Nick DiPallo's house. Keith Robinson was the only one that backed me up. Backdraft. I was like, that movie's great. I was like, you're a fucking homo. And then Keith was like, it ain't bad. And then he had a stroke.

So who knows? Well, all right. Well, yeah. So had the epiphany. And then I hate to say it. God, I hope my family never hears this. But like the kid is so sweet and cute. But when the kid's like, you know, your brother's like,

all right, we got to go. You're kind of like, all right, we can finally hang. You know, like without the kid around. Yeah. But it's a great kid. And I hate myself and I'm gay. So now the, is it sister-in-law? Is it what I call it?

Sister-in-law, yeah. Sister-in-law. She's pregnant. Six months. Oh, wow. So she's all fat and chunky. And now there's going to be another kid. So the, you know, the whole world is ending.

And so that's exciting. But now we got a debacle. We have a 6 a.m. flight. Oh, that's this morning. That was this morning. Yeah. I'm still all topsy-turvy. But so we have to wake up at 3.55 for a 4.15 pickup.

And it was, it all just hit us like about nine at night. We're just like the shrooms, the hungover, all the booze, the crawfish today, the kid, the parents. Like we just crashed out, woke up at 3.50 to brush my teeth, put on my strap on and just gotten that cab. And we had to do a yellow cab. That's how Stixie shall met is. There's no Uber.

It was so weird. You called it. We'd called the cab the night before. It was like the 80s. Yeah, old school. Old school. You know, we're like, he's like, it's weird because everything there is just a phone number with all our numbers

have the same area code. That's how small the town is. Right. New York has 18 area codes. And you just go, how are you doing? They go, Norman? Yeah. Oh, I know your uncle.

Yeah, you're like, all right, all right, blow me. Get the cab over here. So cab shut up. That guy used to be a trucker. Wouldn't shut up and drove us all the way for an hour while the sun still didn't come up. Got to Louis Armstrong Airport, MSY. And once again, we had those fucked up shitty tickets.

The no shoes ticket. Yeah. Check the bag. God, I'll never do it again. And we landed in Newark and, oh, how about this? So I'm on the plane, middle seat again. Because they got to shoot you right up the pooper. And I got two nice ladies next to me, which I love.

I don't want two fat Latinos or an Asian queef. I want a nice skinny lady. So I got these two ladies on either side. I'm just like, all right, I'm going to conk out of on two hours of sleep. I look to my left. A woman is listening to a podcast. Uh-oh.

And I go, should I chime in here? And she's listening to guys we fucked. Oh, wow. Which is very popular with the ladies. Of course. They love it. They love this pod. So I go, hate to bother you, eavesdrop, wives tail, come

on your face, but I've been on that pod. And she goes, what? Get out of my favorite podcast. I go, yeah, I was on it. She goes, I don't believe it or something like that. I go, look it up, dick. And she looked it up. It was five years ago, but I was on it.

Wow. So that was a fun little moment. That's a nugget. You felt cool. You're like, oh, yeah. I've done some shit. Yeah. I had that moment where the lady was watching the Louis Special

next to me on the Amtrak. And I'm like, you want an elbow? And be like, that's me. Yeah. Kiss her on the lips, but uh. You didn't do it. No, I didn't do it. What are you going to do?

Well, you know, it'd be cool if you were actually the hug scene, where you hug Louis. Yeah. Is on. That's when you hit her. Hey, that's me. It was. I mean, it was on.

She watched it from the beginning, but I didn't feel it. Yeah. Then you got to talk to the person. That's the whole situation. Do I play played possum? Give her. You guys say that. Yeah.

Plain possum. I mean, I mean, I don't say it regularly, but I mean, I know the term. What's funny is I saw a possum in New Orleans. They were an ugly animal. Possum kingdom. Hmm. What's that?

Totes. Oh. Great tune. Not come from the water. That's a different song, but same album. Yeah. Boy, a possum. It's like a rat with a, but it's bigger and it's got crazy teeth.

Yucky. Yeah. That town is luckily still got some stank on it. New Orleans. Yeah. It's changing. It's, it's, there's a new medical center. Everybody's moving there, but it's still grimy and Wild West.

Oh yeah. It's got an exceptional amount of stank as far as I can tell. So much stank. Too much stank. Maybe. Hoopa stank. Oh yeah. I wasn't into that situation.

That was not my cup. The name. I was like, I don't even want to try it. Hoopa stank. That name. Yeah. Well, let me tell you a little bit about. Husby.

Husby stank. Now husband. Husband stank. That's something I have sometimes. Oh yeah. Yeah. My little shwagma. Shwagma.

Oh boy. Well, anyway, we got to do the record this one. We're not waking up early in the morning. I think I'm all wacky over here. Yeah. Well, I feel like we had some moments. I can't get my puns straight. My rods and cones are all screwed up.

Uh huh. Well, I'm coming down from the exact. Cause sometimes you're in the moment. And then she's not coming down later. And I'm feeling like, I don't know how I did it. I teat the chip. Her legs are backwards. I don't know what's going on.

At least you guys are in the same boat with the mouth fuck ups. Yeah. She's a much tougher person than I am, by the way. Is that right? Oh yeah. We just watched the show. She's like her jaw is unhinged. Her teeth are broken.

She's like, well, we'll figure it out tomorrow. Wow. We're just watching movies. She's making dinner. She's we're laughing. I'm like, this is crazy. Like I would have my head up my asshole and be in the ER getting an EKG and, you know, eating my shoes.

Yeah. It's crazy. With OPP. And I go in. She's like, all right. Don't panic. And she's like, I don't give a shit. And I'm like, yeah, she's a different kind of different breed.

That's when you know, because you're always like, oh, she's so laid back. Sometimes you want to hug. But in this time, the laid back really helps. Oh yeah. It's very laid back laid back laid to those South Africans. They are tough. Yeah. They are tough Elon Musk.

Well, I got to tell you a couple of things. Speaking of the tough. Sorry. I hugged. I had my, and I got to wrap it up because I got to go straight to therapy. I had my mandolin. I'm taking these mandolin lessons with conchetta, which I love. It's quite a connection to have someone teach you music.

First of all, I think we talked about this last week, maybe. I haven't learned anything in a long time. Right. I've gotten good at it. So she's teaching me and she's like, and then she starts playing, you know, rhythm. I'm playing the melody and she's playing the rhythm. And it comes out. It's like a birth of a child where like you each putting in your item.

And then all of a sudden it's like. Huh. And it's like our podcast is similar to that. But this is like we're each doing it at the same time. We're doing something different. Right. You and I both crack and jokes one at a time. Sure.

And I'm like, you know, I don't know, but together it's magic. But this is like, she's playing like the beep. And I'm playing the boop. And it's something. And I'm like, this is amazing. I'm like, I got to teach my wife this chord. She's like, I'll write them down. So now I got my wife and I were, we're in a band over here.

Oh yeah. Peter Paul and list. Yeah. We got a string section with Joe, Sarah and coming my face. So I'm leaving the mandolin lesson. I'm feeling great. I'm feeling like, boy, I feel like that was a connection. That was fun.

I'm excited. I'm getting better. This is fun. And then I'm walking. She's a very attractive woman walking up the street. This is out in Green Point or Williamsburg. I can't tell the difference. She's walking.

And then a big like soccer hooligan looking guy comes up. He's wearing like a jersey, a Poland on it. You know, They don't leave. Yeah. There's these European soccer hooligans. He's got the shaved head. He's older.

He's white. He's kind of a creep looking guy. Cabbage eating motherfuckers. Yeah. He creeps up behind her and he like puts his hand on her back and kind of whispers in her ear. He's like, right. Or whatever.

And I'm like, I think this might be a situation. Like they know each other. Now he's walking stride and stride with her. And I'm like, boy, do I have to get involved? What do I do here? And I'm, I got a mandolin in my back. Like I'm like Donatello, but it's a mandolin. Wait, is she off put?

She looks off put. And I'm like, I think this is, but maybe they know each other. I don't know. But I'm like, I don't want to just kick the guy in the chest. And all of a sudden she's like, that's my cousin. Right. And also I don't want to be in a fight because I'm a big fucking pussy. So this is a hooligan.

You never, this guy is cracking skulls on Sunday. Oh yeah. This guy is, he's no good, but I got to do something. I'm a man. And now I'm fast approaching. And I'm like, well, maybe I should just get between them. Maybe I'll pretend to know her. I've done that before.

That's good. Or ask directions or something. Just kind of get between them and say something. Break it up. So I start to, I'm just looking at her like making eye contact. Are you in distress? Maybe I say a thing. And then she goes, hey, Joe List.

Get the jizz out of my face. And I go, what is going on? My mind, I'm like, scrambling. I might have to fight a guy. Do I have to get between them? What am I going to do? Maybe just help around. I do.

And I just hear Joe List. You're a great comedian. Wow. What a gimme. I go, thanks. And then the guy kind of veers off and swing. He looks at me. He hates me.

He swings away. He walked right in the street to like a big van. He's like a creepy van. Now this lady might have been headlocked and dragged into a van. If it weren't for my Netflix half hour. Wow. Look at that. Maybe it's the paw.

I don't know what's going on. But we stop and chat. And I went, boy, I felt like you were getting harassed there a little bit. And she's like, I was. I felt like that too. And I was like, I was worried. I was going to get involved. And she's like, well, you did.

You saved my life. Wow. Just with your comedy. I got to say, she didn't say save my life. I can't remember what was said. But I saw him a hero. She's like, you are a hero. Chokingly.

Yeah. And a beautiful gal, by the way. Really? My dad. And then I was like, I'm so nervous about the fight and the woman. I was like, I'm coming from Mandolin. And she's like, oh, I love the Mandolin. Wow, Mandolin.

What? Oh, you might have a divorce on your hands. I feel like a hero. Yes. I went, yeah. She's like, well, you're a great comic. I said, thanks very much. Thanks for watching.

I appreciate it. Mandolin, let me know if there's any hooligans. Yeah. And then I walked away feeling great. So now I'm learning the Mandolin. I got some musical connections. And now I just, I scared off a street tough. I got to say, that was probably you at your peak sexiest.

I've never been sexier. I had to tell my wife. I wish she was there. I was like, believe me, it was something. She's like, oh, I think you're attractive. And I'm like, you don't. She doesn't. Nobody does.

You got a Mandolin. You're an artist. You got a Mandolin on your back. You're walking with your instrument. And you're a professional comedian who's high caliber enough to where you're stopping street rapes. And she's hot. I mean, that's pretty great.

That's a lot of, a lot of pots in the kettle. It was really something, a very, very beautiful gal. So it was quite an exciting feeling. And then what is this? Oh, so then I drove up. We had the big Holbrook fire department gig on Friday, classic gig every year. This is the ninth year in a row.

We've been doing this. I had Jason Kanner and Brendan Sagalow, newly famous Brendan Sagalow. Of course. I'm the famous Schumer Mike Steele. Which, by the way, this is one of those things like, it's very big in our community. But everywhere we went, Burger King, McDonald's, the highway, I would go, you guys hear about Amy Schumer?

And they go, no, we don't know who you're talking about. So nobody actually knows or cares. We're in a bubble. But, but anyways, Brendan Sagalow, good guy, great guy. But it was fun because the Schumer didn't happen the day before. We got the whole scoop. We got the inside scoop, which was fun. And, you know, I love both of them, obviously.

And yada, yada, boobly boop, bitty bing. That's his story to tell or hers, whatever. Sure. So Sagalow's in the car. I got Jason Kanner, of course. Kanner's my trusty sidekick. He's always over there. He's up for any show, which is nice.

That is nice. Not picky. So we're driving up. We stopped at McDonald's on the highway. Always traffic. Northeast quarters of fucking pain in my ball sack. We stopped at McDonald's. And now I'm feeling off this Good Samaritan vibe.

I feel like a million bucks. I'm going to help some more people. I feel like a superhero. You're Batman. So we're walking to McDonald's. I hear this old lady getting out of the car. And I go, oh, guys, guys, hold on. We've got a situation here.

My Spidey senses go off. Yeah, wow. You're a hero. Come on, boy. And they're like, what are you talking about? We're fat. We're trying to eat French fries. And I go, no, no, no.

I hear something. So I start over. I say, everything OK over here, ladies? And the lady goes, and like stands up. She's 175 years old. And I go, you all right, ma'am? You need a help. And she stares at me.

Uh-oh. No words. Oh, god. Death stare, evil, esti. Not the evil eye. Uh-huh. Evil esti I ever saw. What?

And she stares at me like I just threw a bag of horse piss in her face and said, I hope you died tonight. Good for the skin. She just stares at me. And I go, all right. Sorry. And then I walked away and she turns to her friend like, what the fuck is wrong with that guy?

Whoa. And I wanted to go, well, you know, you're shouting in a high pitch. You're implying that your fibula just broken half. Right, right. And I was like, you guys saw that, right? We saw that. That was insane. And we're like, what the fuck was that?

You tried to be a good Sam. Yes. And I really got the death stare. I hate that shit. Like you're the weirdo. Yeah. I want to be like, you're going to be dead shortly. Yes.

But it's like, you do realize you would just scream. And I mean screaming like that. What is that? I think it's just you reach an age. Like you're talking about generations and time to get out of a station wagon. You got to give it all your gut. Right. But she doesn't realize how loud and annoying she actually is.

So when you're going, you all right, ma'am? She's like, what's his problem? She's probably deaf. She doesn't realize. She thinks she's going, hmm. But she's actually, you know, getting her bones sawed off. Well, hopefully she dies soon. So then we go up there and I got to make this quick, but we go up to Whitman mass.

We go to my parents house. We meet up with Chris Allen who flew all the way in from Charlottesville, Virginia. Big mistake. Donated all of his time and money, the plane ticket. So big ups. He's about to retire from 20 years. This guy likes to serve the people. Yeah, he does.

And so thank you, Chris. We do the show and he just want to be part of the show, which is very nice. We're all very grateful, especially me, especially me because I'm making, I'm losing money. I took, you know, it's like a $250 car rental in New York. Oh, and then I'm trying to pay everybody as best I can. I got Alvin David coming down. Big Al, my favorite guy in the fucking world. One of the best.

He'll be emceeing for me at Syracuse, June 7th to the 10th. And then we got Jason Canner, Brendan Sagalow killer show. And then I call in for a little backup last minute. I say, let me see if Sean Sullivan's around. He lives down the street now killer. I've talked about him a lot. Sean Sullivan. Oh, I think it's just the best comic up in Boston up there.

How about that? And he lives down the street from me. I've talked about his album before song and dance, man. Check it out. You won't regret it. It's killer. I text him. I go, Hey, what are you doing tonight?

And he goes, nothing. Do some time. I'll throw you a few bucks. He said, sure. I love it. He kind of strengthens the show. We were making a playoff run and we picked up like an old crafty veteran. Yes.

So the show was killer. Sagalow went up and he's got the goods that guy. It's really funny stuff. Yeah. For about 12 minutes. All right. I'm kidding. No, he's a killer.

He killed. He was perfect for that crowd. Canner killed. Big Al killed. Chris Allen just fucking murdered. It was like a joke. That's about time. He came out.

He was walking through the crowd and like, look at this fucking motherfucker. And like everyone was killing. He sat for a moment, which I found out putting. I hate the sitting. He's not a sitter. What's he doing with the sitting? He's a babysitter. This guy.

That's right. He's a house sitter, but he killed. So check it. I think he's moving to Atlanta. So if you're in Atlanta, you're a comic book this guy on the show. Have him in. He's a real good comment and just a good man for donating his time. Get him off my back.

Yeah. We hung in the back. Yeah. We threw bags, played a little cornhole. I love it. I googled mouth cancer for a while. I freaked out. I talked to the surgeon today and just a great show.

Always a fun show. The fireman. We raised some money for the fire department. We had a bunch of Tuesdays coming out, which was really cool. To a firehouse. Oh yeah. Well, it wasn't a fire. It was a function hall, but it was for the fire department.

Got it. So thank you to those guys. Big calling. Good to see you, pal. And met some people. I forget their names. I'm gay. Great show.

Thanks to all those boys and come again next year. We're going to make it bigger. Hopefully we'll get a bigger budget. Let's do it. Bigger budget, bigger venue. All right. We're going to wrap this up. I mean, we're over time.

I'm going to be late for therapy. Oh my God. All right. What are you going to be? Where you got? Who are you seeing? Who are you gay? What are you doing?

Well, big dates. Don't tune out right now, everybody. Stick around and hear the dates. Because a lot of people, they go, boy, you're in Tampa. I'm like, I did 75 shows. Yeah. June 7th through the 10th. Syracuse funny button with Tom Dustin and Big Alvin, David.

We all used to be roommates. That's going to be a hot one. So three old buddies all the way from Everett Mass. And June 7th through the 10th. Syracuse, come out to that. We'll get the barbecue, the whole thing. And those funny bones, they can be tough. They're not there.

They're very, they're in malls. So it feels good. We need your support more there than anywhere. Yes. Here, here. And then June 13th, Aggie. I think we called it Aggie. I think it's the Aggie Theater in Fort Collins.

So come on out there. If you're a CSU ram, come on out. And then Denver Comedy Works. We really want to sell those ticks. Yes. June 14th through the 16th. Comedy Nest. Montreal, June 28th through the 30th.

Providence Comedy Connection in July 19, 2021. I'm coming back to Dublin. Vote of Bone Fest. All you, uh, Ireland and, uh, you know, UK. If you can travel from the UK over to Ireland, come to that and, uh, check out the Netflix. Stand up. Season two. Tell a friend.

And the best thing you can do to support us and for yourself is go to the Patreon. Sign up. Three bucks a month minimum. Throw us five if you want. Six, eight, whatever you can afford. And there's a bunch of bonus shit on there. That live episode is fucking insane. The Nikki Glaser.

Killer. Oh, we got a, we got a Venmo. Nikki and Giannis. Oh, Jesus. I'm going to do that today. I'll hit, I'll hit. Nikki, you hit Giannis. We'll do.

I'm going to do it right now. All right. That's it for me. All right. Yeah. Good stuff. Boy, you do have a good life. All those days.

You going to Ireland? You going to Montreal? Yep. All right. I will be in Denver also at the Aggie and Comedy Works. Come on to that. Worcester Fest. Wise guys.

Utah. Salt Lake City. I love that room. Love that town. Liberty Live. Westniac. New York. Come on out to that, folks.

Then I'm at the draft house in DC. The nation's capital. Never done that room. Heard great things. Very excited with wall hug. And then a funny bone. Omaha. That's fun.

One-eyed Jacks coming back to New Orleans. Let's sell that puppy out. That was a year ago. Funny bone in Hartford. Not bragging. Connecticut. We'd love to see you at Tuesdays. And side splitters in Tampa.

Hyenas in Dallas. And Gotham Comedy Club in the Big Apples. Aimee Chicago. Uncle Vinnie's. Which I was nervous about taking. But I noticed a tell and Quinn are both going. So I thought, hey, how bad could it be? And Pittsburgh Improv.

So we got a lot of fun stuff. We're all over the road. All over the nation. Praise Allah. We love you. Thanks to everybody. Had a couple of Tuesdays in New Orleans. We appreciate it.

Yell at your potel. Come out to the shows. Get on the patron. Buy a shirt. Those are still jizzing all over. Yeah, shirts. Get some shirts. And yeah, we'll see you next week.

Over and out. God love you. Thank you.