Tuesdays with Stories! - #247 Allan Juice

Episode Date: May 29, 2018

Hoo boy, it's an all time ep as Joe has a penis and wildlife filled camping trip with Ari Shaffir & Robert Kelly while Mark deals with a music playing audience member before partying with the great Bert Kreischer in Dayton! Check it out! Subscribe to our Patreon for new bonus eps featuring Ron Bennington, Chris Distefano, Nikki Glaser, and Yannas Pappas. Plus, a new bonus vid with Joe, Robert Kelly & Ari Shaffir! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download Go on iTunes and give the pod a #5StarLunch review!

This is a Stand Up New York Labs production, providing you podcasts since 2013. Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up!

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe Less. Yeah! Tuesdays with stories, everybody. Nah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. Holy cheese dick, swizzle stick, and pickup dick. We are really doing it, folks. We're back.

We are in the apartment. Fuck the studio. Shelby misses us. We miss him. Mostly his weird face, but God love ya. Ah, he's gonna hear that. We love ya, Shelby! Weird face is one of the nicest things we've ever said. Alright, there you go. We're okay with weird face. He's cute in a cute, fun, weird way.

He's handsome in a different way. He's exotic. Yeah, he's got really good hair. Beautiful head of hair and nice skin. People kill for this hair. Olive oils. Is it olive skin or olive oil skin? Olive oil voice. Olive oil is a lady.

Yeah, well, a cartoon lady who's not attractive at all. No, why were they fighting over her? Thin as a bitch. One of the best castings of all time. Shelly Duvall as olive oil. Yes, nailed. And Robert Williams is Popeye, not great casting. I never saw the film.

It's an Alan Oh, damn. What's that guy's name? He did Mash. Oh, Robert Altman. Robert Altman. Yes. He did Popeye. 1980, I want to believe.

Give that a Google, folks. Yes, Sara and I went to Halloween as Popeye and olive oil one time. Last second, we bought it, which was weird because I think we talked about this in the pod, maybe. We have no affiliation with Popeye. And people are like, oh, you love Popeye. People would be like, oh, dude, I like the early ones

before we had the tattoo. And I'm like, no, I've never seen Popeye. I don't give a shit about Popeye. We just bought a thing. Who says you got to know Popeye? I've gone as a hobo and a witch. I've never been like, I love hobos. No, I hate hobos.

Big hate. I'm a big hobo. Hobo foe. If I could have got it out, it would have been something. Homophobic. I couldn't get it out either. I'm out of fluid. I'm out of juice.

I'm out of gas. Out of the closet. All of those things. This is basically where we record now. I'm so used to seeing the little fucking things scanned by now. We don't look at each other. It's weird. The screensaver.

Yeah, we face the same way on a couch, staring at a TV that has a screensaver. It's real cookie, folks. But I'm out of gas. Out of fuel. Out of jizz. Out of, what did you say again? Closet.

The closet. I'm out of closet space. Yeah. New York City. Tiny closets. It's a tough, tough way to live. I just got back not more than two hours ago from the Bushcraft Party Boys. This is being dubbed.

Oh, that's your name now. That's the name. Bushcraft Party Boys. It's me and Ari and Robert Kelly. And we're out there in the woods. So let me see. Bush baked beans, Kraft macaroni, and it's a big party. Yeah, that's not bad.

I'm a Kraft macaroni. He's got a bush. Yeah, yeah. And Ari's a party. Ari's a real party guy, but not, he's not like a party guy. Well, he's a subtle party. Like, I think of Teezer. I think of Bert Kreischer as like a party.

Sure. Ari's like mushroom, sitting Indian style, pontificating. Yeah. What do you call that? What is it? Not a seance, but you know when you go to like a hut and it's hot and you just sit in there in the desert and you like, has hallucinating shit. I call that Ari's Wednesday.

Yeah. There's a name for that. Retreat? Maybe he's a retreater. He's got a retreater. Yeah. Trick or treater. He's a Jew.

You got that right. Big one. Big Jew face. Yeah. It's real wacky. But I went out there camping. Let me just tell you this real quick thing. Oh, we're diving in the camp?

I'm going to give you a quick nugget first. All right. A quick little Uncle Joe nug. I come home from camping. I'm on no, I mean, no sleep. You're not a happy camper. No, I'm an unhappy camper. And when I say no sleep, I don't mean I slept for an hour and a half.

And then woke up and then slept for an hour. I mean a zero sleep. Wow. Not a minute. It's like you got a Kenny Rogers roaster out your window. Real bad. No. My rods and cones are screwed up.

Are you laying on a blanket on the dirt? What are we doing here? I bought, while I was in Canada, I bought a little blow up, a self inflating mattress quote. That's one inch thick. It didn't self inflate. I tried to blow it up. And then you realize, oh, it is blown up.

It's one inch. Now one inch is the size of my dick. Sure. It's not a big. It's a tiny clip. This carpet is practically one inch. Thick. Thick.

Yeah. It's a little longer. Yeah. Much longer. This is more of a, by the way, Ari has a fucking thick cock. I've seen it. It's a real hog. My word.

And he's got a skill that is mind blowing to me. He can just take his dick out and start pissing while the three of you are having a conversation. Like we're chatting. I could do that. Wow. That's impressive. I can't piss if anyone's within 300 yards of me. I've seen that.

I've waited. It's a problem. I gotta, I'll end up just dumping milk into the toilet so it seems like I peed. What do you think? He's like the width of a brick or more of like a hammer handle? His cock? Yeah. Well, it's rounded.

So brick is a weird go to. All right. Maybe a PCP piping. A microphone perhaps. I saw it dead on. Straight in the eye because I was down the hill. You saw eye to eye? Eye to eye.

Not close. He didn't piss in my eye. Sure. Which I'm into, but I was about 50 feet away, but he was holding it. I mean, it was like a capital C. His hand was in the shape of a capital C, a big C. Big cock. Big cock too. Yeah.

I mean, this thing is quite a pod, folks. It's thick. I'll think it's a brick. Maybe that's why he's so calm. Calm. I think it's a big dick keeps you calm. A little dick makes you squirrelly and weird. You got a lot to answer and people are after you.

I don't appreciate you telling everyone I have a little dick. Wow. I'm not saying you. You're doing all right over there. I know, but I'm a squirrelly cock. Well, you got a little R2-D2 down there. You got some decent curve. I got no curve.

What do you mean curve? Well, I'm saying it's pretty good girth. Oh, girth. Yes. I think it's a curve. I did say curve. I was thinking of the movie. Oh, I think you meant one of those hook dicks because I've seen those in the pornographic

films and I don't care for those. I got a bit of a ski slope. I'm pointing to the ceiling. My dick's looking at God. It's religious. Not a ski slope. Those are really long and curled at the end almost. It's like a skateboard, but it's got a nose kick on the top.

Okay, a skateboard. All right. It's grippy too. Because a ski slope, that's practically a candy cane. They really fucking loop up there. Yeah, no. I'm no captain hook. You have an angle in there.

Yeah, that's dental work. We got a captain hook. Eric Bergstrom. Great late night set. Check it out. Go bear. Killer jokes, original, weird, fun, fun stuff. Do you think captain hooks before he lost his hand was called, forget the hook was called

captain hands. Something like that. So clever. Something funny. What is it? He was a real son of a bitch, bitch junior. Oh yeah. That's good stuff.

That's clever. He's good stuff. Check it out. Go bear. Eric Bergstrom. I don't know where I am. I'm all over the place, but let's get back to Ari's cock. It's real thick and it's nice.

I started full length today like the whole body. He walked out naked. It's like a fun gag. Yeah, he does that. And it wasn't as impressive when you see it from the side. But the thickness is what a lot of the ladies say. Sure. And it's about as thick as a pint glass, this thing.

Come on. Not a pint glass, but I would say it's a lot thicker than my dick. All right. A lot thicker than my dick. I got a nice dick. That I can get behind. More in front of. Yeah.

Get in front of it and see what happens. So anyways, I get home from the hike. I'm on no sleep. I'm exhausted. There's a little awning in front of my front doorstep. They're replacing the steps because they're a little old. So there's three guys. You can't say their ethnicity because it's like a whole thing.

They're Mexicans. They're Mexicans. But that sounds like a swear, doesn't it? I don't know why. That's just a country. They're Mexicans and they're also wonderful people. Sure, they're hardworking. That's for sure.

They're hardworking, family oriented, very religious, but they don't throw it at you. They're just kind of like, oh, we like Jesus. We like our family and we work as hard as anybody in the world. They name themselves Jesus. Yeah. Uh-huh. And they're little.

Yeah. I've never had a problem with a Mexican. Don't get me wrong. I mean, some people are listening and going, hey, what are you talking about? These guys, I'm sure there's a lot of Mexican gangs and the gun runners in that business as well. MS-13.

Oh, boy. Don't even say that. Oh, yeah, you're right. But no, I like them too. One time I had a bad taco at a restaurant. I looked up Asian guy. I said, all right, that settles that. Back on with the Mexicans.

Now, they're bad people. Oh, good. Don't get me started. Whole continent. They stink. Yeah. So I get home. The two guys, they're working, you know, they're building the steps.

And I go, all right, tell me where to step because I don't want to fuck you guys up. And the guy's like, step right here and then not right there. I go, OK, great. So I step on the thing. I step over the thing. And I think I'm being a hero because I stopped. I want to know exactly where to step because I don't want to fuck up the business here. They said right there, not right there.

So I went, great. I stepped over. I went, take her easy, boys. And then I kept walking. I'm checking my mail. And I hear, what the fuck are you doing, you little piece of shit? And I look, I thought the guy was yelling at each other. I look over.

I'm standing. I'm ankle deep in freshly poured cement. Oh, come on. I just stood on. I started sinking in. He's like, what the fuck? And I was like, well, what do you mean? He's like, you can't just step right there.

And I was like, you didn't tell me not to step here. You told me there and there. And he was like, well, can't you see? Can't you see that it's fresh cement? Well, I'm not looking at the ground. I'm walking home. I'm going to my house. Can't you see?

Who's checking where they're stepping in their own home? What the hell? Yeah, that's insane. I was like, you got to let me know, dude. And he's like, all right, all right. Are you checking for cement on that, too? Yeah, I don't see any cement. Well, I think they might have kicked off.

And I got pretty smooth. Oh, there it is in the bottom there. Look at that. It's a little smooth down here. These shoes. I just hiked in these. I got to go get new shoes tomorrow. Uh-huh.

Planner fashion. Anyways, so I ruined the thing. But it was pretty fun. It was a comedy sketch where I'm literally just standing there. Yeah. Just talking to him. I'm like, what's the matter? And he's like, you're in the thing.

It was like a naked gun sketch. Right. You're reading junk mail in a pile of cement. So I put my hand prints in there. I signed my name and I got it in the house. There you go. So should I just tell you about the camping? Yeah, let's get into it.

Because you've got some crazy nights yourself. I want to hear all about the camping with Bob and R. Don't worry, because I got a backup going here. Our battery's a little low. Oh, did it say? Oh, I thought it said low-bat. We're good. We're good.

OK, well. I don't know if we'll make it to this camping story. So I go camping with the Bushcraft Party Boys, me, Ari, Robert Kelly. We've been planning this for quite some time now. The BCPB. I mean, we started talking about this right after my wedding last year. Wow. Like, oh, like, you know what I mean?

So we were going to get a cabin, the boob-boob-boop, and b-b-b-bing. And then Bobby is an addict. So when he gets into a thing, he fucking goes all in. Oh, I've seen him eat a shawarma. This guy owns, I'm talking 10 tents. I mean, he's ready for the Armageddon. He's not one of those guys. He's not a doomsday prepper, but he is a prepped.

He's prepped. Got it. He's got a fucking flashlight, a fucking headlamp. He bought headlamps for all of us. Headlamps. Oh, headlamps are killer when you're out camping in the woods. Because you just have it on. You have to think about it.

You don't have to lose it. It's just on your head. Did you wear two? Oh, because the head. The forehead. I see. I thought it was a, I don't know. I didn't get it at first.

I'm a little sleepy. Sorry. I could have had a better line. I think. You're doing great. Keep going camping. Sorry. Headlight.

Feel bad. Headlamp or headlight? I feel like I didn't. Yes. And I was confused. That's all right. Headlamp. Headlamp.

Yes. The leader of the lamps. Head Lamar. So, uh, so he's, we go there and we stay in his shed the night before we sleep in his house the night before we have a cigar and he's got everything out. He's got so many knives. You can't even believe it. A buck knife, a flip knife, a switch knife, a fucking jack knife.

Yeah. Bobby knife. He's got all of them. He's like, this one's for you. Bobby, this is your knife. He's like, which knife do you want? Now, I like hanging out. Yes.

I like a good hang. I love hiking. I love the woods. I like being in nature. I like taking photos. But the rest of it, I don't really give a fuck. He's like, you want this knife? I go, great.

I'll take this knife. He's like, or do you want this knife? Because this knife will do that. I go, I'll take that knife. But this knife does this. I'm like, whatever the fuck knife. It's like a cutco salesman. Just give me a knife.

I don't know. This is the fucking knife. A knife's a knife. I'm like, I'm not opening this thing. I'm going to chop my finger off. I'm a city guy. I don't know what the fuck a knife. What are you talking about?

City kid. I'll bring it to a gunfight. I don't know anything. So I go, all right, I'll take this knife. He's like, no, don't give me that. Give me this head lamp. I'll take that knife. Take these pants.

I'll take a butter knife. But anyway, so he helped me out. He's like, this is the tent you want. He went through my phone. He's like, this is your tent. This is your blanket. This is your pillow. And I went, great.

He's looking at a thing and reading a review and watching. He watched 40 hours of YouTube videos about this hike. I mean, this guy can survive out there. Wow. It's nice to have a guy like that. Sure. Sure. He does all the work.

It's like the guy who grills. Well, he does all the work. He'll say, what do you call that? I can never remember that D word. Dick. Not dick. Dense. When you disperse everybody, but it's not that.

Diplomat. Fuck. We've had this one before. Diplomat. When you assign people things to do. Deceased? No. Deceased.

Diplomat. Oh, fuck. I'm going to say it. Don't worry. When you fucking. Delegate. Delegate. You got it.

I can't believe it. Wow. Skellywag. Delegate. He would delegate. He'd go, hey, there you go. You got to do this. You chopped down that.

You cut this. So he's a good leader. You know, and he really has got all of his stuff. And he's quite giving with the stuff. Yes. Very giving. But I'm like, all right, we're ready. Let's get to the hang.

I just want to hang. I want to sit here and talk. I got a cigar. I want to do some comics. I want to trash. Yes. I got a photo of a dump I took. I want to show everybody.

See the dump. You know what I mean? I want to suck on Harry's fat cock. Get that type two mouth around it. His cock is literally the girth of my mouth. Now I have a small mouth, but a dick. Yeah, I could fill it. Yeah, yeah.

It could, it would be sealed. I would be, I would pass away if you held my nostrils. Interesting. I mean, this is a tiny mouth, but a big dick. Right, right. If he had his dick at your mother and it was sealed and then he pissed, you'd be dead. Oh yeah. I'd do it.

You'd win a prize. My eyeballs would pop out. Drown internally. Like Hendricks. Like equals. Turn them over. You got to turn them over. That was everybody.

Yeah. I would be like nine years old. Like flip them over. Jimmy Hendricks. That was a big thing. That's a Hendricks time. Yeah. If you ever puking, don't lay on your back.

Now he had a piece on him. That guy. Hendricks. He fucked Joplin. Is that right? Yeah. Wow. That's a loose little piece of my heart.

Loose, loose. Yeah. She's sexier sometimes. What are you getting? She looks like a lunch lady. Maybe. So anyway, as we sit there, we do all the doomsday prep and I'm talking no hang happens. Nothing.

It's all maps and fucking hooks. He's like, you put a hook on your belt and a swing on her head and I'm going, oh my God. And it's good because we got to be prepped and all that. You got to be ready and you got to be prepped. It's good to have one guy particularly that's all cranked up. So now it's time for bed. We go to bed. I sleep on the couch.

Ari's on the air mattress. Max wakes us up. He's jumping around. Whoa. He's there? He's at the house. This is the night before. We're not out yet.

Oh no. If he came, we would have fed him to the fucking lion. I was about to say. He'd be swinging on Ari's dick. So we get up. We wake up early the next day and then Don Bobby's amazing wife. She makes breakfast for everybody. Have a big table breakfast.

It's like good fellas. Stuff is good, but it's like lead. Boom. We make breakfast. Then we shove off and now Max wants to come. So that's like a, that's the thing about leaving kids. These kids, they want to hang out with you. And so that was hard.

I felt sad for, not sad, but I felt bad because he's like, I want to go on the hike. And you had to be like, I won't promise. And then we're like, we'll never see you again. But Bobby's such a good dad. Just a good guy. Great dad. So we, we drive up there. We get up there and we drive to the wrong entrance and we meet some park rangers.

They're like, no, no, you want to go over there. The hike is twice as long this way. And I like, let's just hike this way. The hike, but that's part of the fun. Sure. And he's like, no, it'll be a lot later. It'll be an hour and a half if you go that way. So we drive down the road.

We park beautiful day. We're talking 75 degrees, no clouds. And we got all the gear. We're all geared up and we got to go camping. So we got the huge packs, like the into the wild packs. Oh boy. Like a 25 pound fucking thing. You got pots clanging the whole thing.

Pots. We got bells for bears. Like Bobby's got everything. He's got a bell that jingles. He's got bear spray. Whoa. Bear bag. Wow.

Bear back. Anal. Gay bear. Bobby gay bear. So we go up there. Great hike, but it's all inclined. Now this is something happens later that changes the story of the hike. But if not for the thing that happens later, the story of this hike, black flies.

Come again. It's black flies season. They all just hatched. They matter. Imagine. I made the same joke. Imagine as many flies as you've ever been around where you're like this crazy bugs. This is insane.

It's 50 times worse than that. Oh no. It's like a joke. There's four on my glasses at every single moment. You're like a starving African kid. I felt like an African kid. I felt like. In the arms of an angel.

Anal. I should have had that one too. That would have been fun. Although the African kids rarely have glasses. Yeah. They can't afford glasses. But they do have the big Ari dick. So we're back.

They probably need glasses. They don't realize that. That's true. It's like, can you read this front line? Like read. What do you know what that means? Yeah. Yeah.

And other countries too. Not just Africa. Send them money. That's a continent. Tom shoes. A movie star will adopt them. Hey, will you say something? I take a sip.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, black flies. I didn't see this coming. And I'm looking forward to hearing what happened, folks. We're back. Hey. So this is black fly.

I mean, everywhere to the point where you're like, this sucks. And then Ari found out the next day, he told me, he's like, yeah, when we had reached the top of that thing, because of the flies and the heat, if someone had said, let's just go back, I would have been on board and I would have killed for that information. Not that I wanted to go back. And I ended up going through with it.

It was the best time of my fucking life. But these fly, I mean, you cannot, I cannot describe. And they fucking bite. They bite. It looked like I said this on Ari's pause. So pardon me for repeating. Or you're going to hear this later when his comes out. It's almost like a jackass sketch where they put your head in

like a box and fill it with flies. It was that amount of flies around you. It was a jackass amount of flies on you at all times. I'm talking 100% of the time. What is Bobby? Is Bobby just swatting and swinging? He's swatting and swinging. But I think Bobby puts so much time and effort into the hike

that I felt like he didn't want to be like, this sucks. Yeah, yeah. Which I felt bad because I know like, you take it personally when you make a plan and people like this blow. Like if you take someone to a restaurant and like, I hate this place. You're like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Of course. But I don't see it that way.

I see it as like, we're all together now. I'm grateful for the hike. I'm having the time of my life. But like, can't we agree this is fucking horrific? Horrific. And everybody that walks by is like, this is the worst day of my life. Oh, there are other people there. On this part of the hike.

Yeah. Okay. Now I would hit myself with some bear spray. Something. Maybe that'll help. Here's the thing. So here's the thing about bug spray. We had a ton of bug spray and we're loaded up.

We're using heavy duty. I already had the Southeast Asia stuff. Did he ever tell you who went to Southeast Asia for a month? I never heard about that. No, no. He doesn't like to mention it. Interesting. So he's got heavy duty.

So we're covered in bug spray. So they're not biting us. I got no bites. So the shit works, but it works to repel them from biting, but they're still right fucking here. You know what I mean? Brutal. Can you talk or they go in your mouth?

You get some in your mouth, lot in your ear. You feel that. Oh God. I have a colony in my fucking brain right now. Fly colony. It's like Rathacon. Blech. Was that for the movie or the bugs in the ear?

The movie. Both. I hate Star Trek. Yeah, I stink. Con. Oh, it's like cans. Cans. It's almost like you're pretending that you saw Star Wars with nerds and you're like,

what's your favorite part? You're like, guns. Right, right. I think that's point breaking. You're like, I'm busted. That's speed. Oh, that's right. Keep it going.

All right. So there's bugs. The bugs are crazy. Whatever you're imagining. It's worse. You can't even fucking believe it. Then we get to the top of this mountain and there's ruins. It's an old hotel from the 1800s.

Oh, that's fun. A hotel ruin. You never hear about that. Yeah, pretty cool. And then there was like a hot yoga chick up there, barefoot doing handstands and stuff. But he scared her off. As soon as we got there, she's like, I got to get out of here. Yeah.

That's the problem with being a woman. Like we could go up there and rape her. You got that right. There's three guys. She's in the middle of the woods, like barefoot doing yoga. Like, I mean. That's what you train for. We got bear spray.

We could have really gotten her. You got that right. I'm not saying we would. I'm just saying. I'm trying to empathize with women. Oh, yeah. Not threaten this lady. Totally.

That came across, right? Yeah, yeah. So then the back half. Now it gets a little breezy. The bugs aren't as bad. But now once you pass the ruins, now you're really hiking. I mean, it's a muddy path. Yeah.

It's this narrow. There's green. And then you get above the tree line. Spectacular. You put your finger up. I thought you had some. Oh, I had a joke. It's gone.

I was going to say, you know, all the knives at Bobby have a rape knife. You know. All right. So anyways, we go down. And now we're going down the mountain towards Echo Lake. Echo Lake. Echo Lake Manmade Lake. It's about 10 feet deep.

But you can't tell. It's just crystal clear. All right. And we get all the way down there. And now it's getting a little late. And now the water is flowing down. So it's muddy. Now we're going through mud.

And now it's like, now we're hiking. Like, Ari and I are like, this is good. Now we're hiking. Before we were on, like, some hot row with bugs. Yeah. We're in it, you know. You like the mud. You're in the shit.

I like the mud. I want to be hiking. When I hike, I want to hike. Yeah. Because the way to the ruins, there was a road to get to the hotel. So it's still an old wide road. And then there's electrical lines that went up there or whatever. So like, I don't like to hike into power lines.

I want to be in the woods. Yes. So now we're in the woods. Now we're all feeling good. And you get that good energy where everyone sinks up. We're laughing. We're shitting on comics. We're having a good time.

We're sweating. We're stopping whenever we want to stop. We take our packs off. We drink water. We kiss. We're finally to Echo Lake. And now it's beautiful. Serene.

I'll post some photos on Instagram. I probably already have by the time you're hearing this. Now what time are we at? Now it's around 5.30. Because we got a late break out of the house. We got lost a little bit. We stopped for lunch. That was fun.

We get down there. Now we got to set up camp. And we're bushcrafting, baby. Yeah. We brought all the food. And like, we're starting the fire. We set up our tents. I got a brand new tent.

It's a beauty. Bobby sets up his tent. He's got all kinds of toys, knives. He's like, go cut down that thing. Ari, you go do this. We're out there. And we're all doing our things. Bobby's splitting wood with one of his knives.

He's using a log to use a knife to split wood. Wow. He gets the griddle going. And Bobby's slaving over the food. He's got rice pilaf going. He brought steaks. Deadly thawed. He's cooking steaks on the fucking fireplace.

Ari and I go out. We find some wood. We drag it back. We held handed up the bear bag. You got to hang the bear bag. Oh, the bear bag. You got to hang the food up nine feet in the air. And Bobby, he can really do the shit.

He took a rock. He wrapped a fucking rope around it. He threw it over a branch. And then you have fucking pulley system. I mean, he really can do the shit. Now, what's in the bear bag? That's all the food at the end of the night. Oh, you hang.

It's like a sack. You can't put any food in the tent. Because the bears have a strong sense of smell. They'll smell it. And they'll fucking go get whatever's in your bag. Got it. Which fast forward. I fucked up.

I had a fucking chocolate chip cliff bar in my pocket that I was saving for the next day. I slept with a fucking half eaten chocolate chip cliff bar. Oh, my God. I got to beat your thigh off. They could have gotten me, baby. I just picture it like at the, me cracking my tent open a little bit and just putting the cookie out there.

We're like, there you go. Yeah. Like a surrender. Like he takes it and leaves. So anyways, we get it all set up. And we get the fire blazing. We had a cup of tea. Bobby brought Cuban.

I mean, like real Cubans. We smoke a Cuban. We eat a steak. This is living. Serene. There's a little beaver swimming by literally. He's like, it was like, we just feel like, he's like, what are these guys up to?

We're like, we're cool. He's like, OK. How about that? That was fun. So then Bobby goes to bed. Ari and I stay up a few minutes longer. If we fuck with the fire, we're having a great time. Then we're like, all right, we better go to bed.

And we're all talking about, we're going to sleep like angels and fags. Yeah. We getting the thing. Angels and demons. The mattress. I got a mattress that I bought. Bullshit Canada, half an inch right away.

I'm like, this is the least comfortable thing I've ever been on my life. I got a rock in my asshole. It's like a yoga mat. Exactly. Yeah. I'm on a yoga mat and I bought this fucking camping pillow. That's about it.

It's less thick than Ari's cock. I mean, I'm sleeping my head's on a rock. My ass is on a rock. My shoulder's in a thorn bush. And it's a little chilly. And I go, oh, this is going to suck. I'm going to sleep for an hour at best. And when I tell you, we got into bed, got quiet for two minutes.

We heard coyote, a pack of coyotes about 100 feet away. And now, Mark, you might be here. When I say coyote, people think this is like an FM radio. Right. They think that. That's what I thought. It's not that. It's my ring.

I mean, I'm going to play. Can I play this? You got to play because they're not going to get it. It sounds like a guy. At first it sounds like a police car siren. Then it sounds like a fucking 80s guitar solo where the guy's biting on the strings. It's insane. I'm going to play this, folks.

And this is what we heard right from the get go. I mean, this is the moment we sit down and start sleeping. This is real, folks. This is not playing. Oh, sit on my dick. Oh, I'm on airplane mode. Oh, good man, though. That's a profession.

Well, I don't want to get a phone call. I'm recording the batteries. So this thing starts fucking happening. And I'm telling you, I'm shitting my pants. I mean, I'm, I like the... Now, is that pretty accurate? That's the sound. It was more like this here.

This is off YouTube. This is YouTube. But this is what they sound like. And it's fucking crazy. This is what you hear. Jesus. That sound exactly. That is horrifying.

I mean, right outside are fucking tense. And now I'm shitting my pants. Now I have anxiety and panic, galore, your mother's tits. Yeah. And now you're going like this. We're fucked. And I go, Bobby, what do you do? Undo new recording?

No. Oh, I just undid it. No, just the second part. There you go. There we go. Now we're cooking. Hopefully the battery will fucking fuck. So now I'm sitting there going, I go, Bobby,

what do you do? And Bobby's a couple of feet over in the tent. I go, Bobby, what do you do? Because I read everything about bear. I know everything you got to do with a bear. Well, each have your own tent. Each have our own tent. Oh, that's pretty luxe.

We're about 10 feet apart. And ours a little further. He's like 30 feet away. Those Jews are different cemeteries. And so right away, all of us are like, what the fuck? What the fuck? And like, it's real fear. It's not like we're joking around.

Sure. We're like, what the fuck is this? Oh my god. What the fuck? And then I go, what do you do? And Bobby's like, dude, I watched 40 hours of videos. None of them mentioned coyotes. This is like a fucking John Hughes film.

The thing with animals is you have instinct to do something, but sometimes it's the complete opposite. Because sometimes you're like, oh, a bear. I think you played dead. But you look at that. Or you go, you get big. You yell. But sometimes you don't.

A shark. You confuse them. And so I don't want to wave my phone and bark. And then that makes them horny and wants to fuck you. Yeah, of course. You get raped. So we're both like, I don't know what to do. So you're sitting there.

And I'm like, I've never been more susceptible to my life. I've turned into a child. I was like, I want to go home. I don't know why I did this. I shouldn't have signed up. This is crazy. We all have knives. I opened my knife.

I got my buck knife open. Just sitting next to me. I'm like, all right, I'm going to fucking. I'll stab, I guess. Yeah. And then the thing is, you're like, they're in the area. They're going to be walking around. We just went to bed 10 minutes ago.

We have seven hours of nighttime. There's no way they're not walking by us. And you just picture like. Of course. Stiffing around. And then not to mention there's still bears. And then there's like, then you start freaking out that you're like, there could be people.

There could be fucking psychopaths out here that come and rape us. Oh God. How are you thinking going camping? See, I've camped before and I like a tent, but I like to camp where you drive to the campsite and the car is right over there. Yes. Yes. That's what I've done.

I'm getting in the car. Fuck this. We're leaving. Total of a car. Or at least sleeping in the car. And then the car, you also have a cool. You get some cold drinks. You know what I mean?

You got the thing. And you can run to town. Oh, we forgot something. But it's cool to be out in the middle of nowhere also. Where is the car, by the way? The car is at the beginning of the hike. It's four miles away. Oh, it's through the black lives.

Yes. Four miles away and like no reception, zero service. And it sounds like kids being fucking raped and stabbed. Yeah, I know that sound. Now, wait a minute. Why? It's almost like they knew that you went to bed. How did you plan it so perfectly that 10 minutes goes by and then they started hooting

at hell? Well, my theory, and this is what I'm trying to feel. I'm like, they must be afraid of us because most animals are afraid of human beings. We're big and scary. Fire going. Yeah. I was thinking why the fire was going. The fire probably died down.

The noise died down. They went, the fucking facts are in bed. You know what I mean? Like they're like, whoo. Right, like a Republican. Yeah. So they're like, let's fucking get crazy. I shouldn't have said the F word twice.

Boy. That's coyotes. I've been hanging out in the car with the comics because people don't realize comics. We're saying horrific stuff. Of course. You're a mountain man. All the time. I mean, you can't even imagine what's being said in these vehicles, folks.

No. And that's why the PC is so bullshit because we're all saying it anyway. Yeah. All right. But anyways, so I think they just went to bed. But then, so they stopped after a minute, but now you're like every fuck. I felt like Vern and stand by me when he's. Every fucking sound every click.

And then Bobby falls back asleep. That is snoring. It sounds kind of like a bear because you feel like, because it's a light snore. He's not like some crazy Donnelly snorer. He's like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I'm not at that point, but it's just like a prove, a proof but every, I keep waking up being like, fuck is that, fuck? Is that a bear? No, no.

It's Bobby fight for a lot of last I just sat up in my tent being like, oh my God. I'm freaking out. I am freaking the fuck out. Yeah. And then Bobby's mattress broke or something. Ha something happened, classic. He had to. He had to wait, no, it's pillow, not as manager's pillow folding,

or deflated camping pillow. You blow the shit up. Yeah. So it deflated and then he went to grab the bear spray because as soon as you heard the wall of the fucking coyote, he's like, I'm going to get the bear spray. So I have a fight and chant. I got a knife and some bear spray. He left his, he realized he left his tent open.

So he had a moth in his tent, his pillow thing. So then he's, I just hear like zipping and unzipping and like, he's like, ah, fuck it. And I'm like, Bobby, are you all right? Cause then I'm worried. I'm like, is he having a heart attack? Is he getting attacked? Does he hear something? Yeah.

Cause Bobby's our fearless leader. Sure. He's the alpha dog. Of course. No pun intended. Right. The coyote. And I'm like, once that person gets scared cause I'm like, I'm supposed to be the pussy

fucking panic disorder. I'm gay. Yeah. But once everyone else is scared, you're like, I'm fucked. We're fucked. Yeah. So I didn't sleep a wink. I just laid there and had the worst anxiety in my life.

Not even a, a doze. Maybe. Like there's times where like you, you're thinking consciously and you're like, has that much time passed? Maybe I did doze for a few because I don't remember what I was thinking about right before this. Right. But for the most part it's conscious thinking.

And it's not just the fear. I'm unbelievably uncomfortable. Of course. And it's cold. Yeah. It's so funny cause all you hear is no one's sleeping right in America. There's too many screens. We're on sleeping pills.

We're blowing each other. You got to get out to the woods back in the old days. You didn't look at a phone. You laid out the stars. And when the sun came up, that's where your body knew naturally to wake up. And you're out there in the fucking shit in the wilderness and you're up the whole night. I'd do anything for a down comforter and a fucking pillow.

Like this is brutal. A red roof in anything. That's what's nice about camping with the car nearby too. You can have a fucking blow up mattress and a blanket and a pillow, a regular pillow and just it's in the trunk. Yeah. But when you're hiking, you got to be like, all right, let's take the bare minimum here, the coyote minimum.

Yeah. So we all wake up and this is the bed. Once you're all wet, you make it through the night. We all come out and it's like that feeling when you're all out drinking together and you're sleeping in the same room. And you're like, you remember when you did that, you had your pants on, we were doing that. But with how fucking terrifying we were the coyotes.

I was shitting my pants. I was shitting. I was like, God, all I thought was that. So we had a big laugh because we bonded. We made it through. We fucking pile up the camp. We have a great morning cup of tea. We pack everything up.

We go back and now it's supposed to rain all day. Oh boy. So like, let's beat the rain. We got started. We hiked for about 25, 30 minutes, then the rain came. But again, you're like, you're on the home stretch and you go, it's rain, but we'll be in the car soon. We got seat heat.

I'm going back to fucking New York City. I do believe I've had enough. So we walked to the pouring rain and it's buggy and fucking rainy and wet and muddy, but still cool. And now it's like, we made it through the night. We're on our way home. You had that mental thing of like, this is great. We stopped a few times.

We enjoy the scenery, a lot of laughs, a lot of fucking good laughs on the way out. The car ride up was the hardest I've ever laughed in my life. Oh, great. And then the next morning, got back, Bobby dropped us off at the Metro North Station. Ari and I rode back and now it's because you have those 20 pound packs in Manhattan. Oh, feel that guy. I'm on the seven train. I think I fucking bum.

You're like crocodile Dundee. Yes. I don't know where he is. So, uh, get home and then I got home and fucking shower, the best shower in my life, other than when I shit on my leg that time across the country and a great shower and then came back to Greenwich Village, which is so weird. I woke up in a tent next to Coyotes and now I'm sitting here in the Greenwich Village. How about that?

It's almost like you were the evolution chart. You're back in the civilization. I did a reverse Bob Dylan. I went from Woodstock to Manhattan. There you go. Reverse Bob. I also referenced him a moment ago. So anyways, I do believe I've had enough.

The little guy is safe at the end of the line. So now I'm back and now while the day before when I was, I don't even know how to get into Winnipeg. I got to get, I'll do Winnipeg another day. All right. Was in Winnipeg for five days right before that. So I've slept in my bed. I've slept in my bed for eight days and tomorrow I leave for Paris for six days.

So I'm going to be in my bed one out of 15 days. So funny to go from a tent to gay paris. Yeah. From the woods. Literally we were hiking back today. Ari and I were laughing. I'm like, I'm going to Paris tomorrow. Isn't that fucking weird?

That's fucking banoos. I'm on the Eiffel Tower tomorrow. Tent with coyotes today. Woo. What a life. But while I was in rumors, which is a lonely weekend in a lot of ways, I'm looking at my Instagram. I'm seeing you and Chris Allen and Bert Kreischer all and then Chris Allen, you know, he's only

fucking hung out with adults three times. Yeah, exactly. He's having a time of his life here. This guy's in the army. He's raising the child. So he's like, I'm shitting my pants. He's never been out past three. Oh, yeah.

I can't believe it. They don't even make a PT around here. Yeah. We went to Walthaus. We put the little burp they had on him. He was in heaven. So tell me what's going on here. Take me through the whole thing.

We've got a good 25 minutes before it's yours. I can wrap this up quick, but I got a big nugget. I got to get out. I could save this for another day and another gay, but I got to say. Are you married? No. Better. Gay?

Better. Okay. All right. You know, my parents were in town. We talked about that. They ransacked my apartment. Then the next week, just coincidentally, I went to New Orleans, did some. I talked about New Orleans, right?

The mushrooms. Oh, yeah. All kinds of. Yeah, we were sitting right here. Did New Orleans. Some of my parents, the whole thing. So now I see my parents two weeks in a row, and I go back to Alan and tell them, oh, I got to gush all this parental jizz is all over me.

I got to wipe it off with Alan. Feels good because you have a couple of sessions where you're like, and then, you know, my uncle winked at me one time. I might have been sexual and I went and saw Batman. They were out of seats in the front row. Shut up the place. Yeah. And so I had some juice with Alan.

So Alan juice. Alan juice. Yes. And so I go in and we're talking, we're talking, I tell him I'm having breakthroughs and this and that. He puts his hand up like this. I'm going off. I'm in the middle of parental shit.

He puts his hand up as to say, stop in the name of love, takes his glasses off. He's weeping. Well, weep. He's crying in therapy. Wow. I should be crying. He's weeping. Wow.

Because the progress and the this and the that and the steps and the anal, all I've done. I think he likes to weep that guy. I've never gotten, have you gotten a weep? Well, I don't want to dismiss. Oh. I'm not dismissed, but take away. But he doesn't weep. But I think he's a genuine guy.

He's misty. And so he gets weeps every day. This guy. Oh, is that right? He's a cow ripkin of weeps out there every night. Well, he's just a so he's like, no more voices. Sorry. All right.

We love you, Danny. But I don't know. I was blown away. I got, I got my therapist to cry and I wasn't trying to get him to cry out of step on his toe or anything. I just got a real weep out of him and it was, it was a moment. It's really something because I think this is why it's touching to me. You want to be like this.

Are you my dad? Yes. Could you be my dad? You care. They don't care. They don't care. There's no care. But then I hand a couple, a couple of Twinskies and it feels a little weird.

Yeah. You're going to bomb them some money. Yeah. It feels like a prostitute. They cry and I pay. So that was a moment. So I'm feeling good. Great moment.

Alan juices are gay and I'm out of there. He's crying. I'm a homo. And I get back out on the road. I got five shows tonight in New York City. So I go to a show at the stand and I have high tail out to Brooklyn, which I got to stop doing. Brooklyn is killing my show sets.

Brooklyn stinks. So I go to Brooklyn. I get to this show and of course they go, you mind going at the end and I go, oh, well, I got to get back at the stand by Levin, blow me. And she's like, well, just hang on a little bit more or whatever. They never make it work. But whatever. Nice, nice gal.

And I go out to the bar to hang out with the kooks and the comics and they go, oh, I just came from another show two blocks away and I go, is it another show? That's how many shows are in Brooklyn now. Oh yeah. Brooklyn is its own scene. It's its own scene. I walk down two blocks. It's a hot show in a back room at a bar.

And I go, you mind if I do a little of this, a little of that. And they go, sure, go on up. So I go up. I have a fun set. And I come back. I go on at the original show. I go on. Now, it's been a, it's a scattered room.

It's probably seating about 40 and there's probably like 11, 12 people there. So you go, yeah, whatever. I'll just do my thing. Get the hell out of Dutch. And there's like three like black chicks on the side sitting alone and I go up and they're just talking out of the gate like to themselves. So I'm like, ah, fuck it. I'm just going to do my act to these people listening.

Apparently we had some fans there. Oh, no kidding. People saw me on the line up. Some Tuesdays came out. Wow. Brooklyn Tuesdays. Yeah, Brooklyn Tuesdays. Well, sorry about the language earlier.

Yeah. And one guy came from Philly. It was a whole, he's like, I saw you in the line up. I didn't believe it. I had to drive out myself. I saw you at Helium once. I was like, Jesus Christ. So I'm doing pretty well with these cooks.

And then I look over, I did some abortion material apparently and I look over and the black gal like the alpha, the Bobby has stopped talking and is just open mouth glaring like angry. Like, I can't believe you said that. But I was like, what is she, ah, fuck it. I was like, what's your problem? But I was like, I'm just going to, I got eight minutes left. Let me just get through this and get back to the island.

You weirdos. That's the issue with Brooklyn. Right. You got a lot of that. Yes. Exactly. Forget it. You're late.

They don't pay. And then they're just staring at you. Exactly. It's glare and it's burning a hole in my dick. So I'm like, what is going on? And then she just starts playing music on her phone as if to say, I'm checking out and I'm just going to do my own thing. Playing music.

Playing music on the phone. So I just want to go, what the fuck are you doing? It's all built up and the whole crowd is looking at her like, we're trying to listen. Why are you playing music? I go, what are you doing? Are you crazy? You lunatic? You kook?

And she's like, oh, you just aren't funny and I'm doing my own thing now. I'm like, well, I'm killing. What are you talking about? I always do this where I try to reason with these lunatics. No, don't reason. You can't reason. Give me one reason to stay here. Reason chocolate.

Chew. So I just go, what the fuck is wrong? How could you be so rude? You're living your own world. She's like, I'm sorry, you suck. You're not good. What do you want me to tell? I'm like, I'm killing.

And now the crowd's going, you suck. We like this guy. We know this guy. Fuck you. And she's going, fuck you. And this is the clinker. This girl walks over. The host of the show goes up to her and goes, could you just, what are you doing?

She's trying to be civil. And she goes, okay, okay. All right, whatever. So I go, oh, maybe she'll stop. Then she goes right back. Fuck all y'all. And then this poor girl, I'm not going to say much about her, but she goes over there and she's like, could you stop?

And she goes, fuck you, fat bitch. Wow. Now she calls another chick a fat bitch. So I'm like, oh, this chick is going to die on this hill. She is, you can't stop her. Hamburger hill. Part of me kind of respects him, but I'm also like, oh, you're just crazy. She'll just go down with the ship here.

And now the whole audience is like, fuck you. And I'm trying to read, like, what is wrong with you? Like, do you realize how inconsiderate you are? And in her mind, she's like, I'm protecting abortion or I'm religious or whatever her problem was. Maybe she had an abortion that day. Her cooter was still smoking. So it got ugly and the whole crowd is turning on her.

And then I was trying to make jokes. Like people are filming it. I'm like, put it on world star. What the fuck? And she's like, fuck off. She's standing up. Fuck off. It was a whole thing.

So I just went back to Brooklyn. Of course I was half an hour late to my set. But I got all these emails and like Instagram messages, fuck her. We chewed her out after you left. She's crazy. We almost got into a fist fight. She was nuts. Blow me.

I'll kill myself. You were funny. So it was nice. Playing music. I mean, that's insane. Music. I mean, the talking was already brutal. But then the music was like, that was just her being like, oh, how can I really disrespect

this guy? How can I get him? She's crazy. She's confrontational. Yeah. And it just looked weird. One guy had a great line because I was doing a joke about like how racial tension is awkward. And so that whole thing happened.

I go, what the hell was I talking about? Some guy goes, racial tension, got a big laugh and she was the only black chick. There was one black guy there and I was like pleading with him like, please, chime in. We need you. Right. But he was a man without a country. Poor guy. So that was Brooklyn.

Then I get the hell out of New York. I've had enough. Go fly to Dayton. Get my Uber. Don't you? Isn't this sad? I get an Uber driver. This guy's a chunky, older white guy and I'm like, so what the hell?

I always try to get some dirt. I'm going to Dayton. I'm doing the funny one. Give me some topical cream, what do you call it? Local juice. Oh, some local references. Yeah. Give me something I can get.

Oh, Mayor Gumby. He's got some problems. Ah! Give me some of that. And he goes, well, you know, it's hot out and the gays are marrying and I'm like, well, what about some food? What's the local delicacy? And I was like, well, you got to go to Red Lobster.

I swear to God, he said that. Oh, wow. And he's like, no, it's good. And I go, jeez, what good bar? He goes, Fox and Hound is really good. I'm like, fuck, that's like a chain with this guy's nuts. Well, Dayton is my favorite barbecue place in the country. Smokies?

Is it smoky? Smokies on the corner of the highway. Yeah. That's a great spot. Remember the record store. I love Dayton. That's a bummer because they used to put you up downtown on the Royal Plaza of Crown Royal. Wait, that's a liquor.

Oh, that's where the other, that's where Wiley's put you up. Okay. Well, they used to put you up there and you could walk to Smokies. Yes, right around the corner. Now they put you out in those sticks by the mall. The Dayton Funny Bones, not quite in Dayton or something like one of these other. No, it's Beaver Creek. Yes.

Yes. Yes. I miss Wiley's. I love Dayton. The Oregon District is fucking great. So great. Great city. So we just have some fun shows.

I go out, I see my buddy Chris Allen and we see Adrian Cosby's hanging out and we have a fun set and we really, like, Chris Allen is like 160 days sober or some shit. And he's like, you know, the military is ending. So he's going all in and it's fun because we're working on jokes. We're working on, I'm listening to his shit. He's listening to my shit. I'm like, I've never heard that. That's a new tag.

We are, it's like a workshop. Oh, nice. Which is always great. He can use it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Everybody's got to step it up out there.

So we're really cooking. And then there's a, the host does a show in a house. Oh yeah, yeah. The house show. Dan Siebre. Yes. Siebre's. My opal.

Yeah, good. He was hosting. Good egg. Good egg. Great beard. He's like a hipster, but he's cool. Yeah. Interesting.

Yeah. Which they're supposed to be. He's like, they're cool and are cool. He can cross pollinate. Sure. All right. They're cool. They're cool.

So he's like, I got to show up at my house and you know, your first instinct is I want to go back to the hotel and put something up my ass, but he go, ah, fuck it. I'll do it. So we go out there. Your ass in his house. That's a good point. I did. I put a spatula up there and I put it right back in the drawer.

So he's got a house show. It's jam packed. And it's just fun to see the city, city. Like you're, we're in the neighborhoods now. Like there's Chris Allen. Like this is the white ghetto. It's fun. I was like, all right.

Yeah. Everybody's spooky and there's cats running around. So the show is packed. It's all these hipsters and ugly people and everybody's hanging out in the kitchen, drinking, smoking weed. It was just a great time. It's good old days. Chris Allen goes up kills.

Jeff Tate was on. You know, Jeff Tate? Oh, I know Jeff Tate. He's like a local hero. He had a good set. They let me go at the end and let me stretch a little. We had fun. We had an awful house.

Wrap it all up a wall house at two in the morning. Sober. I get the steak and eggs. We're all chatting. We had all like fucking legendary pow wow. We just chatted it up for three hours about life and his kid and career and what the hell are you going to do and marriage and how hard it is and how gay we are and all the whole thing.

A pow wow. You know, we talked about this before. Every time I go to date, probably in the history of the show, this 10 times, Emo Phillips went on his honeymoon to date in Ohio. I did not know that. It was his favorite city of all time. Wow. I think we talked about it last time.

It's a tough nugget to keep in your head. That's a nugget. All right. Yeah. His head shot is that smoke. He's barbecue. No. Yeah.

Yeah. He loves it. I think I've seen that. My mother lived in Dayton. Ah. All right. Emo Phillips. Yeah.

They might have had a fling. All right. So do morning radio or morning TV the next day. The best press on the planet, by the way, Dayton, they pick up at 11 30. You do one television show for eight minutes and you're done. Wow. That is the best. So I did the TV show.

I kept it clean. It wasn't easy. God. You can see it on YouTube. I put it up on YouTube. My appearance. I had some fun lines. It was all about the royal wedding.

Should put it on Patreon. Ah. Fuck me. I'll take it off. Put it on Patreon. Yeah. Pay for that shit, motherfuckers. Yeah.

So then the next day, it's Friday and we're hanging out and we had a great moment. We're hanging out two shows Friday night. Hot shows. They're both good. Friday late show was a little bit of work, but Friday early show, new stuff's cooking. We're all shucking and jiving. I'm doing, people are doing guest sets where we got like eight people in the green room. So Cricer, Burke Cricer texts me, hey you, peep peep peep peep peep, expletive, expletive,

expletive. Much like camping talk. Yes. And he says, I see you're in Dayton. Get your peep peep ass down to Liberty Funny Boat and I'm gonna peep peep right up your poop chute. Peep peep, you know. Yeah.

So I was like, all right. I'm on my way or up. We're down but we need a ride. I'm on it. That's what these headliners, they got juice. They got Alan juice. They got the Alan juice. So he's, I was like, how are you going to do it?

He just never writes back, which is kind of a cool move. And so I'm all like, we're like, yeah, we're going to fucking hang out. We're all juiced up. We're jumping around in the green room and then in walks the manager, the GM. Oh boy. Party. And he goes, you go on with Cricer and I go, how'd you know that? And he goes, I got to drive you.

We all lost it. We all fucking fell out and died laughing because it was such a perfect delivery. Oh, that's great. So we go down to Liberty and we see Cricer's doing the photo shirt off. I mean, that guy is a fucking party machine. He's an animal. Just everybody's so excited to see him. There's a vibe in the air.

You know, I'm coming from the Friday late show where everybody wants to kill me. And I get there and there's just a line out the door, pictures, booze flowing, women's tits are popping, just a great time. So we start drinking at the other side of the bar. He finishes. He walks over, immediately starts talking shit about the industry and shit about comedy and who's good and who's not and the whole thing and how all of its backwards and we suck and I suck.

And it was great. He talked to me. He had some great insight about the business. I'll tell you off the, off the mic there. Now some of his people must be noticing you. That must be exciting. Yeah. Oh my God, Mark Normans here.

I'm getting a lot of photos. Hey, he's here and Cricer's taking photos of me with people. So it was all kooky and cocky. He's never got Hollywood, that Cricer. He stayed normal. Hmm. I don't know about normal. He's never worn a shirt in public before.

Yeah. Well, he never, he stayed not pretentious or whatever the word is. He's cool. He's not cunty. What's the word? Were you, he never got big time. He loves your pretentious. I said that.

He never got. Never forgot where he came from. Yeah. He's no diva. Where did he come from, by the way? I think he's Florida. Oh, yucky. I wonder, maybe he went to school in Florida?

I don't know. I don't know either. Anyways, he's something. He's something, all right. He's a piece and we had just a lunch night and the whole thing was great. I black out. I just went to, the old me came out, I'm doing, I have a whiskey in my hand, a scotch in my other hand and I'm doing shots with my face.

Well, he brings it out of you, right? He does. He does. Yeah, that's his thing. That's his thing and we had a great time and headlocks and backflips and noogies and then we hightail it back two day ton, fucking five in the morning, we go back to Waffle House. Oh, nearly.

I don't remember any of this. Apparently we had a great time at Waffle House. Not a clue, no idea and next day I wake up at, first of all, we go to Waffle House. I get back to the hotel at six. They're putting out the free breakfast. I eat that. Oh, nearly. How can you pass that up, you know?

So I eat that, I go back up to my room, pass out at about 7 a.m., wake up at one. I haven't been this hungover since I did my drunk history episode. Wow. I mean, I am hurting. I can't get out of bed. I'm like regarding Henry. I'm all twisted and curled up. I got the shades drawn.

You're like the guy Helen Hunt fucked in that movie. Yes, I'm Nell. I drink myself retarded. I was Nell, right? No, I wasn't Nell. Remember the one we watched where she shows her tits? We watched that. Shelby pulled it up.

Sheila? Oh, that is Nell. Oh, that is Nell. That's Ywell country. Nell's Jody Foster. Yeah. Who are you talking about? This is the one we watched.

Remember that time? I told you. And she fucks a crippled guy who wants to feel sex. And so we fucked her. Oh. She's kind of old and hot at the same time. Oh, I never caught that. But was it Cumberbatch?

I can't remember. No. It was that guy. He's a character actor. He's in the ship. He gets lost at sea with George Clooney movie. Oh, Captain and Commander? No.

The one from Gloucester. Oh, Captain Phillips. Twister. No. It's like the sea twister. What the fuck was that called? Oh. It's a piece of garbage.

They're like a fisherman or something. Angolia Gay. What? Yeah. They're fishermen from Gloucester. Yeah. The perfect storm. Perfect storm.

Yeah. There's a guy that's in that. I think she might be in that too. How about that? No. She's in Castaway. Thank you. I knew it was one of those her man's out dead and she's at home crying.

Helen Hunt's in Castaway. Yes. That's what we're talking about. Oh, Helen Hunt. Yeah. Great tits. That's what we're talking about. Oh, I got it.

She bucks the guy in the fucking bedridden guy. I think you said Ellen at one point. Ellen. Ellen Hunt. Maybe I said Ellen. Oh, maybe you said Ellen. Helen Hunt. I heard Ellen DeGeneres.

Might have been. I don't know if her tits are great. Yeah. I can't imagine so. I think she cut them off. So we just go to town. I'm so hungover. I can't get out of bed.

You know that you get that anxiety? You get that shame? Or you can't even look at your phone? Believe me. I know. Oh, brutal. I can't talk to anyone anymore. So then we go out, we get some sushi.

And I feel a little better. I'm like, I have that hangover where I can't walk upright because it hurts too much. Oh yeah. I'm hunched. Yeah. Yeah. So that was two shows Saturday night.

You had a hunch. I had a hunch and then I came back to New York on Sunday morning. I got to tell you, I'm still not, I still have not there back 100%. That's how old I am and gay I am. So it fucks up your sleep and then your blood pressure and oils are all messed up. You got weird rods and cones. Yeah. Your fucking dick and shit is all cuckoo.

And I've cut back on the sauce quite a bit. So I think it was kind of like, oh, we got to go all, we got to start all over again now, you idiot. Yeah. Well, you're dumping poison into your body. Yes. You just fucking blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And so your body's all like, come on, you fuck. Exactly.

What are you doing? Right, right. I put diesel in a Prius. Yeah. It's kind of like not sleeping. I'm just reading about not sleeping. You're drunk. Like you're slow.

Like I'm doing things backwards. Right, right. Like I got on the track. Like I look at my phone upside down and I stood up when I was supposed to sit. Just like you're a little like, oh, whoops, you cuckoo. Yeah. Yeah. You banging ass when you're supposed to be banging a kid.

And yeah, it's a whole thing. And oh God, it was brutal. I'm still not there, but I hope, but now I'm going to Denver this weekend. So try to keep it, try to keep it behaved. But yeah, so take it home. I'm good. I got all my shit out. All right.

I had a something. Well, this is just like a gay little nugget fun. I like travel thing. I mean, we do a lot of travel talk here. So I want to throw this little travel nug in there. I love the travel nugs. I got two quick things. Please.

Two quick things. I'm out. We hitting two. We out. We should go through this episode and count how many references there are to music and TV and movies. Yeah. 75.

Yeah. Sometimes they get them. No one's going to get all of them. No. If somebody gets all of them, it should be like a highlights magazine. Yes. You go through. I want every music reference, every movie reference.

And you get the line, you know, we'll blow you both. It's true. Well, my friend is a family guy like connoisseur. He loves the family guy. And there's a book where they tell you every joke and you would never get them all. The book is like an encyclopedia. It's this thick. Oh, wow.

I heard today that the movie Fight Club, which I always found a little overrated. I like it. There's a Starbucks coffee in every single scene. I find that hard to handle. Yeah. Or coffee, but emotionally Starbucks. But there's a coffee in every scene. Huh?

Somebody's drinking a coffee in every scene in the movie. According to the director, David Fincher. Okay. That's what I heard. That's what I read. Who knows what? Who's the drinker? David Drinker.

So I get on the plane and then I'm flying to Minneapolis first. Yeah. Good city. Great city. I like Minneapolis. I'm not trash. People are like, what are you trash in Minneapolis? I just like Madison better.

I always hated these arguments with Beatles and Stones. You're like, what do you mean? You don't like the Beatles? I'm like, yeah. They're my second favorite band. Sure. I'm not saying to trash it. I'm just saying, great city.

Great city. Thank you. Spent a lot of time in that airport. Nice airport. Good airport. Call me Uncle Dead. Good town. Good people.

So I go out there and I'm going to fly to Minneapolis before Winnipeg. I got the upgrade for the first class from Minneapolis to Winnipeg. So I feel good about that. Nice. But I got a regular old douchehead seat. I'll at least. And they call me up to the thing. Well, we got an upgrade to Delta Comfort, but it's a middle.

Now, do you want the Delta Comfort middle? Or do you want the regular aisle? Sophie's choice. So I decide. I said, you know what? I got a short layover. I don't like to risk it. Give me the Delta Comfort because you know what?

It's not that long of a flight. I'll take the middle seat. I'll get the leg room. I'm all about leg room. That's all you get is leg room and a snack. I need my leg room. You get a better snack. Yeah.

And then you're a little further up. That's true. On a pass over. And you're called? I think it's Purim. And then you board quicker. Yes. Well, no, I'm stat.

I got the status. So I'm bored. It doesn't matter where I am. I can have the middle seat in the bathroom. And I got the boarding. Sky priority. So I'm not worried about boarding. So I said, you know what?

I'll take a middle seat. It's only a two hour flight. I'll move up a few rows. And I'll have the leg room. All right. Interesting. So I got the Delta Comfort. So now I get on the plane.

And there's a lady sitting in my seat. And I go, I think I know what's happening right here. She's sitting in the middle seat. And I look, she's talking to the guy next to her. I go, I think I'm not sure. I already, I love it already. I think I got a couple here who had the aisle and window. And they are going to let you sit in the aisle.

I go, pardon me. I believe you might be in my seat. She's like, you want the aisle? We're a couple. I got the aisle, baby. I made the right decision. Wow. What a gamble.

And it paid off. I got the leg room. I got the aisle. I got the caboo, the fucking boom. You put the things and the things. That up overhead. Overhead the hanger. I'm a little tired, folks.

Carry on, please carry on. Yeah, I'm a little tired. My wayward son. So I sit down there and I just feel glum glowing. I wanted to call everyone I ever met. Yes, of course. You rolled the dice. Rolled the dice, got the end.

And then on the way back, by the way, they were like, we have a Delta Comfort, but it's a middle. And I said, oh, no, no, no, no, don't try that. To me, I got an exit row, sister. The exit row has the leg room. Oh, interesting. I go, I don't want to move out this time. I got nowhere to be.

And I already have the leg room. So that's that travel nugget. Very good planning and strategizing. Yes. Good spidey senses. The other little nugget. And then we'll wrap it up here. I'm at Winnipeg Rumors.

I'll talk more about that later. A lot of great fans came out. Somebody gave me some 20 bucks. That was really nice. Too great. So nice. Everyone was so nice. People drove up from North Dakota.

Great couple. Everybody's so kind. I really appreciate Tyler is the best guy in the world, by the way, and Winnipeg. Good egg. Tyler Schultz. One of the best guys. Former pro football player.

Yeah. Canada pro. Canada. All right. So, you know. Canada goose. But great guy. One of the best guys in the biz.

Great club. And so you're up there. And there's a different guy each night opening for you. Oh, weird. And there's this guy named Ben Walker. Really cool guy. Baseball fanatic. We're talking baseball the whole time.

Ben Wetter. What's that? Ben Wetter. Ben Walker. Oh, Ben Walker. But you might have went to bed. So we get up there. And he's doing the show.

He goes on. He's a funny guy. Funny comic. Good guy. Has a good set. But like not a great set. That it's early. You just go up cold.

Yeah. Nobody has any idea how hard it is to go up cold in a terrible show. Eight cold. You got to be warmed up every situation where it matters. There's a warm up. Sure. So he's just up there cold.

Does a good job. And he's a funny guy. And I'm a fan. All right. We worked together before. But some lady doesn't care for him. So I get up there. I get up there.

And I go, what are you guys, man? I mean, there's a weird vibe. And this woman goes, that guy sucked. Ouchie. Ouchie. And I go, shut up. Fuck you. Fuck you.

I think it's hard. That guy is fucking hilarious. He's my buddy. And just don't interrupt the show. Why would you do that? And now I'm like, this weird thing where I'm in a confrontation before I've said one word. No joke has come out yet.

But she yelled it. And everyone went, whoa. And I was like, he doesn't suck. First of all, he's fucking good. You're a douche. And now it's weird because she's like kind of, she's a shitty person, but like, she likes me. She's just like, oh, right.

Here's this guy. Right. And she was like, I think she was like genuinely answering. I'm like, what's up with you guys? She's like, we hated that guy. But most of them didn't, by the way. Most of them liked him.

All right. So I'm like, fuck you. It's like this weird. Oh, somebody's walking to the hall. You're good. It's this weird thing where I'm like, now I'm in a competition, but I worked my way out. I ended up having a good set.

So then afterwards I see Ben and I'm like, boy, that was fucking annoying. He's like, what happened? I was like, well, you heard the woman yell and he's like, what's she yell? And I was like, oh, nothing. I used to be heard because he was right there and she yelled it like, and then it was like a whole thing.

So he didn't even hear. So I just went back after the show and basically broke the news to him that some woman was like, that guy sucks. Oh man. And I was like, ah, shit. He didn't know. All right. And I changed the stinks to like lighten the load a little

bit. I was like, ah, she said you stay. And then I felt bad because now like the rest of the night, he's like, what did I do? Did she? I was like, I was like, dude, like it's not you. You're great. Yeah.

She's an asshole. And genuinely, he's actually really funny and had a great set, a great set, but a fine set. But he's a great comic. Two questions. Did she give you any grief throughout your hour? No, she just kind of looked weird. But like, I think she was like, oh, I think she was like

shocked. Good. Like I think she was just like, oh Jesus, this guy really is upset with me. She needs to hear that. I like that. I feel like in America, she'd be like, look, you do. You suck.

Yeah. Like she'd come back at you. Yeah. She's like, well, I'm like, well, you started. You interrupted the show. Yeah. But I don't like people shitting on comics at all, especially someone that I'm buddies with who doesn't suck, by the way.

Yeah. Because sometimes you do a show and someone's like up there talking about, you know, raping children or whatever, like we do on the show, but not on stage. But somebody sucks. And then you're like, I know I get it. Or like someone's up there saying the n-word or whatever the fuck.

And you're like, I know. Sorry about that. And he'd say, thanks for defending me. Because I know he missed the whole thing, which is a bummer. I don't know. I mean, I think he was probably grateful, but he was more just like, oh, Jesus. Oh, I love that.

I mean, it's un-un-unjoyable. My brain is really ticking slowly. I'm not working. It's un-un-un-not good. It's not good to have somebody yell at that guy. It's untouchable. But she said it at a good clip. Like, I would say within seven rows of her circumference, they

all hurt. So I was like, fuck you. And you can't just go up there and let somebody do that. And then just be like, OK. Like, you have to fucking stand up for the person. Good man. Good for you. As long as your buddy's with them.

And you think they're good, which both are true. But anyways, great week in Winnipeg. It's a good club. Can't wait to go back. Yeah, great club. And we were up against Jets playoffs. What about the Sharks? We did OK.

Sharks were eliminated by the Golden Knights. So anyways, we got to wrap it up. I'm sorry I'm a little. I tried to crank up the energy here. You did great. But I think a lot of it went away. Well, so now I'm even less energy. I got to say this before I know we're over the gun here.

But people kept saying to me, you got to address this on the pop. But there's really nothing to address. I did a school shooter joke. I'm proud of the joke. And did you see any of this buzz? Oh, I saw the buzz. Yeah. I woke up in the morning in Winnipeg.

People were tweeting at me like, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. So I tweeted a school shooter joke. Did pretty well. We hit over 100 tweet-twees there. And I did it on the show. And it got like a mixed bag. It got like the grown one-guy clapping, comics laughing, and then two other audience members

laughing. I'll take it. It's topical. And this woman the next day writes, boycott Mark Norman from the Funny Bone. He's a piece of garbage. This is what he said. School shooter joke. She like screen capped the joke.

And boycott the Funny Bone also. Not just you, but the club. Yeah. So then I go, what a loser. What a dummy. So I write, boycott. That's a little sexist. Shouldn't it be person-caught?

You know, just trying to. Good line. Good line. Come back. Thank you. Trying to keep it light. And she got a shit storm from the Twitter sphere. I mean, Burt Kreischer tweeted it.

Stan Hope retweeted it. All these people. It felt great. I was honored. Like, these guys stick up for you. It's so beautiful. Yeah. She's a big fat fucking asshole.

And just a loser. Boycott the club. I know, right? Where it's like, so the waitresses, the wait staff, the man. They should all suffer. Exactly. Also, it's like the club's been there forever. Yeah.

Stop going to comedy. Right. And so, yeah. It's the same attitude. So you should just die in the streets. Yeah. Nobody worked. Nobody booked this guy.

You just, you're homeless now. Exactly. What do you want, lady? And here's my thing is what she doesn't realize. And I don't know if she'll overhear this. Hopefully she's dead. No, she's not. If she listened to this, can you imagine?

Oh. She's going to cardiac arrest. Good point. The thing is, all these people kept tweeting at me. Never heard of you. Fan now. Which is like, yes. The whole thing backfired.

It was a beautiful moment. Of course. Yeah. No such press as bad press. Right. Still in heaven. Whatever it is. Yeah.

Well, what can you do? Well, I'll be all right. But, you know, fuck her. And yeah, it's counterproductive. And she's just a goof. You're something like this. You're a goof. Yeah.

I always feel this way. You're like, the adults are talking. Get out of here. Get away. It just doesn't. It's silly. And also, I don't play. I don't begrudge her for not liking the joke.

No. Go nuts. I hate my jokes. Get up and leave. Yeah. Be offended. But now you're trying to take my work away. Yeah.

Which is something you can add up. Yeah. Pay your bill and go home. Yeah. I didn't like the joke. And I'll leave. Or you could just go, I didn't like that joke. And sit around and wait for the fucking relationship chunk.

Or whatever the fuck. Or a dick joke. Yeah. Or we talked about this before. I hate reality TV. Take this off. Or I'm going to come in my ass. Yeah.

Boycott. Andy Cohen. Yeah. All right. Well, yeah. I just had to get that out because people kept saying, yeah, I can't wait to hear this on the public. There's nothing to hear.

You saw all. That was all of it. And thanks for all the love and the defense. Yeah. And good singer. Person cut. Thank you. I appreciate it.

Thank you. And so where are you going to be there, Faddy? I got to get to hot soup, first of all. Your show. I'm coming right behind you. Right back. Right between the shoulder blades. Yeah.

Oh, we're running out of battery. We have no battery left. Oh, wait. We'll save if we run out of battery. Maybe we should just stop and add our plugs later. Debra comedy works. Go to my website. Comedians.

com. Check out the website. Go to the Patreon. The Patreon has a video up with me and Ari and Bobby Kelly. We did a little video 20 minutes long. Yell at Chipotle. Praise Allah. Check MarkNormanCombie.com.

Follow me on Twitter, Instagram. And I'll see you in San Francisco and Chicago, New Orleans. Tonsay. It's fucking turning off. Don't lose it. Don't lose it. I love it. Don't lose it.

Don't lose it. I love it.