Tuesdays with Stories! - #248 Chilly Seat

Episode Date: June 5, 2018

Bonjour Tuesgays, it's a Parisian Tuesday as Joe & Sarah Tollemache head to gay Paris (barely) and Mark gets into a Chipotle debacle before heading to Clusterfest! Check it out! Subscribe to our Patreon for new bonus eps featuring Ron Bennington, Chris Distefano, Nikki Glaser, and Yannas Pappas. Plus, a new bonus vid with Joe, Robert Kelly & Ari Shaffir! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download Go on iTunes and give the pod a #5StarLunch review!

This is a Stand Up New York Labs production, providing you podcasts since 2013. Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard.

And then the duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe Lest. Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody.

That's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. Ho ho! We're right in there, folks. We are here. We are queer. And I'm clear, by the way, at the airport. I gotta tell you, clear saved my ass.

I got the backup going here. We're recording at Mark's house now. I guess we just record here now. I guess Shelby hates this. Well, it's hard to get... I don't know what happened over there. It's hard to get the studio time. We've been there since fucking 1996.

Uh huh. And I feel like we got some listeners out there. Quite a few. Yeah. But something changed. They got two studios, but we can't get in there. We can't get in there. Last time we were there, I saw Jordan Peterson.

They got a UFC thing. There's a millionaire who owns it. So we're out. I think there might be another star coming to record there, too. Oh, really? That's the impression I'm getting. Did you not get that impression? I got no impression.

I'm not a fan of impressions. I like impressionists. Monet. He was good. What about Man-A? Monet. Man-A's. I hate Man-A.

Who's Man-A? He was another one. No, that's not real. Tippy tippy day-day. There was another one. Monet. Woman-A. Woman-A woman-B.

Matisse. Matisse. Falcon. Matisse O'Neill. He's passed away. Diabetes. Wouldn't you give anything for a Patrice O'Neill special right now? A radio show, a podcast, a treat.

Trump and the Me Too and the Man-A's. Oh, all the outrage culture. We really need that big fat fucking. Black guy. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, because if a black guy says that everybody goes, all right, all right, all right. You can say the same thing. And you go, hey, you're racist.

And then you go, hey, we'll listen to him. And they go, OK, I guess so. Yeah, it's interesting. What a brilliant guy and comedian. Boy, he is sorely missed. Yes. But boy, it's good to see. I mean, first of all, I mean, I've been in Europe for a week.

I was in Canada for a week. I mean, I haven't seen you since 1974. Yeah, I've been in San Fran, Denver. I've been all over the road. Yeah, well, I guess I saw you right after Winnipeg. Then I went to François. And I might have to just get right into this. Get into it.

I saw you for literally eight seconds at the stand that I had to run. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, the stand. It's the stand, which is now moving, leaving. And it makes me sad because that place has been such a huge part of my life and success and career. I mean, it's six years over there. Yeah, I've done. Is it six?

I believe it's six. Wow. Maybe it's five. Maybe it's five. Maybe it's five because it had a rough start. Then it got its own sea legs, whatever that means. And now it's cooking. I sold out all the time.

I think it's close to six. And pretty sure it's six. But I love the place. I love Patrick and the gang over there. The hottest waitresses in the biz. Oh, tell me about it. And sweetest pie. And I've just done so many sets there.

It's been a crucial part of our success, our ride, our run. Sure. But now they're moving. They'll be back open again. They say in like a few months. But boy, I can't imagine it's going to take a while. Yeah, they got to renovate a brother Jimmy's, which is a big barbecue joint.

And they got two floors now. They're very ambitious with the stand. So come out and support when they're done. Two floors of horse. I can't wait. But it's going to be a real lull because that was our go-to spot outside of the Comedy Cellar, of course. And so thank you for all the years and the queers

at the stand. Yes, here he is. Yeah, and then go to Frantic next Monday. A week from today is the last blowout show. It's going to be like a four-hour show. I think it's free. And everybody will be there for that one. So if you're listening to this and you're in New York City,

Gramercy, go check that out. Yes, four hours. I guess Godfrey's doing one set. Hello, folks. Oh, yeah, but it's going to be a hot one. Eastville is now turning to the New York Comedy Club, Deuce. All kinds of transitions in the comedy world, including Macy J, or whatever her name is, transitioning.

Macy J. JC May. What's that porn star? Bailey J. Bailey J. Oh, well, she transitioned quite some time ago. Oh, well, I needed a transition comedian. Is that that many?

Oh, I got you. I'd like to transition in my face. I love Bailey J. Oh, really? Hot. Would you blow her? I would for like 100 bucks. All right, I can put that together.

I bet you could. It's a quick go for me. I'll put a 98 of those. Jay McBride. Jay McBride. Trans comic, hilarious. And I believe a listener of the show. Oh, all right, JJ.

Possibly. I don't know. I think. McBride and McRoom. Who's that? I'm saying she's a McBride and McRoom. Oh, that's good. She should use that.

That's not bad. Maybe she will. I mean, it doesn't really make sense, but it's close. She went from a McRoom to McBride. Yes. I was a McBride. Now I'm a McRoom. Yeah.

There's something there. Oh, what's a McBride, maids? Never a McBride. All right. It's something to toy with for sure. Toy. Sex toy. Well, speaking of marriage and wedding and gays in the military, I went out to France,

Paris, France. Woo, gay. Barry. And you know, I've been excited about this. I've never booked a trip so far in advance. I booked it in November. Wow. In May.

It's like a wedding. Yes. You booked it a year out. And I've been very excited about it. And I'm like, it's one of those things you feel like it's never going to come something that's six, seven months away. It's like me on Paxil. I feel like you beat me to it.

Oh, sorry. Well, I took Paxil. It was a real ordeal to come. But at least you're a porn star hanging in there. Yeah. But that's, you know, I think that's overrated. Women, they don't want to, Michelle Wolf has a joke about it who popped in the other day at the undergrad.

She's a pop in her now. She's a celeb. A-list celeb. A-list celeb. Thank you. She's a big C. I don't know if it's because we're talking about it, but my dick is tingling right now. Oh.

It feels like numb. Let's be the Paxil. It's a mental thing. I'm off the Paxil now. That was years ago. Well, it's all the cum tuck. But it was hard because I had my ex-girlfriend at the time. I mean, my girlfriend at the time, ex-girlfriend now.

She was like 22, zero body fat and was very sexual. And I couldn't come. It was horrible. Yeah. She's pounding away. Yeah. Pounding. And I was like, I'm sorry.

It's the Paxil. I was like holding the bottle, like pointing at it. I'm like, look, look, it's not you. Wow. It's me. It's not even me. It's the drug company. Pharmaceuticals.

So we get safe to say you weren't listening to CumTown. No, no. It was CumTown. They were in seventh grade at this point. I guess so. That's when they were gone. This is in 88. I have to say pharmaceutical.

One of my all time favorite words. Mmm. That's a fun word. I like debacle. That's fun too. That's a good one. But pharmaceuticals are a little flowier. Pharmaceuticals.

That's true. It's like a weight. It's ups and down. Also, gubernatorial is a fun. It's a classic. That's terrific. Yeah. Governor.

All right. So you're not coming. You're in Paris. So I'm going to Paris. And the time has finally come. It's time to go. Everybody's coming. Dive comes.

I don't. Yeah. But it's very exciting. And as you know, we recorded the podcast. I was leaving the next day with 5.30 flight. We go out. I buy shoes. We get it all packed up.

It's a lot of packing. It's this good. It's that good. I brought my suit. I was like, it's Paris. It's a stylish place. But I'll tell you, it's very difficult for men to dress well on the road. There was no iron in our hotel.

No iron. So I got all these. You had an iron deficiency. I did. And so I got all these Ted Bakers and a suit because I want to look stylish. But it's all wrinkled from the bag. And I got no iron. I'm trying to put it in the shower.

But the shower doesn't really actually work. Yeah. It's just all bullshit. I ended up wearing one of them. But no suit. What am I doing? Who's kidding? Who are we kidding?

What was the occasion to wear a suit? You just encase? Well, you go out to dinner. You go out to your dress up night. She brought all these dresses. Oh. It's a very stylish, fashionable city. I got a $1,000 imported suit.

Why not throw it on and we'll walk around? Sure. I like it. You're like Bond. I felt like Bond. But it didn't work. So it's more like bland. Uh-huh.

It's better than I realized. That was something. It's good. I wore jeans. The T-shirt. Yeah. I went to Paris. And I remember sitting at a cafe just watching people go by.

And it was like Friday night at six o'clock. And I'd see all these couples walking with a bottle of vino. Just going to like a dinner party. And I was like, wow. Yeah. Paris, baby. We're in France. And they really dress there.

Yes. I mean, everyone is dressed to the night. Everyone's smoking and dressing. Yes. Everyone's dressed amazing. Like, you see, like, we walk by like a high school or like a middle school. And these kids are in suit. They're wearing Ted Bakers.

These middle school effects. Woo. Oh, geez. I keep saying that word. It's the height of fashion. Sorry. That's a good word. I say it all the time.

I can't stop saying it. They like it. It's like the n-word. You're one of them. God, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I feel terrible.

Oh, come on. Don't appear a comedian. Don't apologize. But anyway, but what if I am sorry? I have this argument with Ari. Ari. He's like, oh, you never apologize. I'm like, what if I feel bad?

I guess so. I don't like this never shit. All right. Well, if it's a joke, I feel like if you're saying the joke, that means you're behind it. Yeah. They weren't gay kids. Sure. I mean, some of them might have been.

That's true. Yeah. Maybe all the more. I don't know. They're wearing Ted Baker. Well, the question is, is it more offensive if they're gay, if they're not gay? I guess if they're gay. I think if they're gay.

Yeah. It's like calling a retard a retard. Right. If I call you a retard, people are like, hey, you can't say retard. If I call a retard a retard, they put me in jail and fuck me in the butt. Right. Retard jail. But anyways, I send my retards.

What about tardy? That's still around, huh? Well, oh, that's something that happened in Paris. We went to the movies. We went to see Le Voyeur, which is a movie called Peeping Tom, an English movie from 1960. And we wanted to go see a movie, but we wanted to find an English speaking movie. We went to El Champo, which is like one of their classic old theaters. A little underwhelming between you and me.

Interesting. The lamppost and the television set. So we went there and they got subtitled in French, of course, but it's an English movie. And the word for late in France is tardy. No retard. No. Yes. Look it up.

Really? The word retard is happening all the time throughout the thing. Retard. Yeah, but there's a D. I know. They don't pronounce. I went to French immersion. Well, I'm telling you, I'm reading retard over and over again.

I looked it up. Retard and it says dealing with tardiness. Wow. Look at that. What were you watching? The ringer? No, I just kept saying restart. Holy hell.

I'll tell you, it was really something. Oh, fuck me. I went to, don't you hate when you go to hit the thing and then a thing? Oh, yeah. Pops up. Porn hub pops up or something else. This is what we need Shelby. We need Shelby to pull up French.

We need a retard. But we can't get, I don't know. We can't get in the studio. I believe you. I know tar is in there because they would always be like, oh, Mark, you sweet tardy. To a tardy. But here's the English. Mentally retarded.

Oh, the word for mentally retarded in French is aria rarae. Oh, we'll have to tell Ari. Translation. I can't find it, but whatever it means late. And I'm, I believe you. I believe you. I know. I just wanted to read it.

Oh, okay. Wait. I got it. Retard translation English means the fact that he's late worries me. His lateness worries me. So on retard me. There you go. Lateness.

All right. So anyways, you watch that movie and they say retard about 57 times in it. Wow. That's hilarious. But anyway, we're going to fucking Paris and we are not retarded for the flight. We are three hours early and we get on the plane. It's a seven hour flight. As you know, I watched a field of dreams and national ampoules vacation.

I cried during both of them. Two of the best movies ever made. I love them. You get that plane emotion. Plus you go to Paris. You're with your wife. It's exciting. I hadn't been home in a while.

So we get the seven hour flight. All this planning. I got, I got a thousand dollar flights, $2,000 with the hotels, seven months in advance. I got French open tickets. Those are a buck 50 each. That's 300 bucks. So about 3,500 bucks into this trip already. And you haven't left.

Haven't even landed. Woo. On the flight. Long, long flight, of course. We finally land and you just, you've been through customs over there and customs over here, security line, cab line. Nothing's easy in this country. No.

Give me the flight times. When do you land? What time are we at? I leave at 5 30 PM and we get in at like 8 AM. Woo. That's tough. Maybe 7 AM. Oh my God.

Is the plane, is there a sleeping pill sitch? I try to nap, but it's just too high because you get the movie screen in front of you. We're in the, the fucking, the exit row seat because I wanted the leg room, but it's chilly. That's a chilly seat. It's a chilly seat. Because the door isn't sealed so well. So it's just breezing in, you know. I thought it was in Southwest.

I know. So I'm chilly and I finally just go fuck it. We're just going to have to stay up for 36 hours. Who gives a shit? We'll do it. Good for you. You're sober. And now it's like, all right, we're on the home stretch.

We got to get through customs, getting a cab. And then we're just in Paris, baby. Yeah. Six day and we got nothing to do. We got no, people have asked to do spots. I'm grateful that people asked me to do spots there. Oh, is that right? Yeah.

I'm like, I don't want to do any sets. I don't want anywhere to be. The French Open is the only thing I'm like, we got that. We got to be there at 11 AM yada yada. Yes. Which now they're just calling it Roland Garrosh. They're trying to be like Wimbledon. It's the only one called the French Open.

Now just Roland Garrosh. Interesting. That's a little potential. Who's he? You know, I don't even know. All right. It's the grounds, the stadium. I don't know.

Oh, well, that's sad. That's a whole other thing. I don't get it. We get there. We get off the plane and you get a file through. And then it's like every international is like a five mile walk to customs. We get up to customs and we go, here we go. Now I always get a little nervous at customs.

Sure. Because it's this stamp. They got officials. They got guns. And you know, I get stuck in a country or sent home. By all means. We get up there. We're at finally next long line.

We're next. I go, here we go. We walk up together. We handle our passports. He scans mine. He goes boo boo boo. He's nice. Scan.

Sarah's in here. And he goes, it all starts with this sound. Makes that noise. He looks at it. He goes, oh, looks like your passport stolen. Sarah goes, no, what's my passport? There's one beat. And we both go, oh, and she's like, oh, I know what that is.

When we got married in the courthouse, she checked the box, change your name to list. Which we don't even need to do because I don't have any. I don't care. I'm not like, you got to change your name, you bitch. You belong to me. I don't believe in that. Sure.

And then she's not changing it because the show biz reasons. So she just checked this box and so many problems have stemmed from that. It's very difficult to change your name. Why'd she check it? I don't know. She wanted to be a family. You know, I'm a list.

You know, old school. All right. So it's sweet and I appreciate it. But so she sent off her passport and social security and all this stuff to some website to change your name and then just didn't hear from them for like a month. So she's like, I think I ripped off. I think I found a bad website.

Yeah. So she called and was like, I think my passport's missing. And they're like, all right, we'll report it. And then eventually she went to the DMV and got all her stuff back. Manila envelope with all her shit. So she went, oh, I got it back. We're good to go. And this is like a year ago or whatever, six months ago.

So she hasn't got any of it. She's got a passport. It's valid passport. We get there. He's like, this is reported stolen and missing. Whoa. She's like, oh, no, no, I got it back. I have it.

And he's like, wow, it says it's missing. Oh. So he goes, I'll tell you what, this shouldn't take long. Not a big deal. He goes, you guys got a bag? You checked it? Go yeah. He goes, you go get it.

Points to me. He goes, you go get the bag. And then you come with me and then she'll meet you downstairs at the pickup. And I'm like, okay, great. I go, I love you, Sal. See you in a minute. Oh my God. It's splitting apart.

It's terrifying. I just took the guy's word for it. He's like, right down. You go get the bag. And I went, oh, he's got a gun. So I went, okay. And then cut back to him putting a plastic glove on. Yeah.

Her bending over. How'd you know the story? So then I go downstairs. I pick up the suitcase. And now I'm trying to be all Alanie. I'm trying to be just relaxed, whatever. I'll see her in a few minutes. It's no big deal.

Obviously it's her passport. Right. She's got the passports not missing. Yep. It's her face on it. They can Google her. Watch her late night set. I'm a celebrity in the States.

Colbert. Whatever. So I go, all right. So now I'm sitting down there. And then I remember him saying, I'll tell the guy to look for you. Security. So I go, oh, I'm not supposed to be here. I'm supposed to be, maybe he said upstairs.

Now I'm like, fuck. I don't remember anything he said. She doesn't have her phone on. I turned my phone on because I bought the roaming thing. $10 a day. She's got nothing. No phone. Good for you.

So I go outside and I'm like, I think I'm in the right spot. Now I'm outside. I'm beyond the airport. I can't get back in. I'm outside the doors. Well, I'm out the security section. Oh, OK. Got it.

So I'm where all the limo drivers have your name. Yes. So I'm sitting there going, OK. It's only been 10 minutes. I'm like, all right. All right. Wait. I'm like, maybe it's supposed to be upstairs.

I think I'm supposed to be upstairs. Now about 20 minutes passes. I'm trying to stay calm. I'm like, all right. I'll find her. It's no big deal. We're going to get back together. We'll laugh about this.

Makes you realize the phone, how much we communicate, you know? And that's out the window. Phone is huge. So then I start texting her. Facebook, a Twitter, an email, and a text. Because I don't know what she's going to turn on and have. Wow. Ability if she gets Wi-Fi or whatever.

Right. So I'm like, I never should have left you. I'm sorry. I was like, I'm down here. This is where I am. Call me. Text me. Email me when you get out.

Somehow get in touch with me. Then I remember he said upstairs. Like, you just start remembering words. Yes. Upstairs. Upstairs. So I went upstairs to, like, we drop people off. And that's where TSA.

That's where, like, customs and security is. Uh-huh. Not TSA. Whatever the fuck it is over there. Like the chicken. The chicken. Everyone's home. The chicken.

It was like, I thought you can just get another one. It's a five. What's the heck? I thought it was a four. Now I have my carry-on and my backpack and the suitcase. Because I looked at my suitcase. So I'm trying to drag two bags. With a backpack.

Now I'm starting to panic. After about 45 minutes. Holy moly. No sign. No kucrat of, no nothing. Sigma come loud. It's something like that. Yeah.

Not when I was unpacked so I didn't. So then I finally go up to a lady that's like information. I was like, I'm really sorry to bother you. I'm looking for my wife. And she's like, I don't know where she is. And she's like, the police station, whatever is over here. So I'm like, police, it feels dramatic. But what else am I going to do?

Sure. So I go knock. I ring the doorbell of the police station. They buzz me in and it's like a fat woman behind the desk. And then a cop who's like fat and is like a spiky hairdo and a gun. And the whole thing. Sounds American. And I go, they're French baby.

And I go, I'm looking for my wife. And they go, wait, wait. They point to a couch. And they go, wait. And I go, yeah, my wife got to date. They go, wait, wait. They start talking to each other in French. And now I'm in the fucking police station.

I'm freaking out. I got three bags. I don't know where my wife is. So I'm like, all right. So I just wait there. And now I'm afraid. I'm afraid of police. You're like, I'm going to get shot.

I'm going to get arrested. I'm in a foreign country. And I'm like, they don't know who I am. They don't even know what I'm saying. We haven't even communicated. Yeah. So what do they mean? Wait.

They can't possibly know who I am. So I sit there for about 10 minutes while they're chatting. Maybe they saw Fallon. Maybe. The stand-ups. So I find that I go, I'm sorry to bother you again. I just, I apologize. I'm looking for my wife.

She got detained. They go, yeah, wait, wait. Now they're saying it angrily. And I'm like, okay. All right. All right. Fuck. So I'm just sitting there.

And now an hour has passed. One full hour has passed. 60 minutes. 60 minutes. Terrible show. I look at my phone. Now I haven't been looking at my text. I'm like, I don't know what to do.

Finally, the text had all not said delivered. You know when someone's throwing it off? So now as I'm looking at it, it goes delivered. Oh, okay. She's back online, baby. Yes. And then I see the little bubble go. Oh, I love the bubble.

And I was like, it's such a relief because all you want now is like, just let us be together. Right. The bubble ends. You get that half a second and says, they're kicking me out of the country. Whoa. They're not letting her in. Holy hell. They're like, your passport's null and void.

It's missing. And once they say it's missing, there's no debate. It's like, it's gone. It's reported stolen. Oh, your African-American wife is being deported. Yeah. She's being deported. She's like, they're saying I can't come in.

She's like, I don't know what to do. I want to cry. She's like, I'm so sorry. And I'm like, don't worry about sorry. We got to figure this out. Yes. And I'm like, can I come to you? And then finally, as I'm texting, one of the agents comes up from the basement.

She's like, how do you say your wife? She's, we're working on it. She's down there, but they're going to have to leave. I go, can I go be with her? She's like, no, no, no. Not now. I'm like, now I'm freaking out, but I'm trying to stay calm. I did a good job of staying calm.

Yes, calm. And accepting your worst fear, which is we're going back to America. I guess so. All this money down the toilet. And I go, all right, we'll be all right. Don't worry about it. And Sarah, now on her side, they come up and some woman tried to get her to sign a thing. An Asian French woman is like, you sign this paper.

You're sending it back. You're being denied. And Sarah just got up the gall. She's like, I'm not signing anything. There's no way I'm signing anything. She's like, not until I find my husband. And this is where being married. It's a benefit, I think.

Yeah. Because if you say boyfriend, they're like, who gives a fuck? Right. They're like, oh husband, jeez, well. And then she said it bought her just enough time that a second guy came in and he's like, all right, all right. Well, let's figure something out here. And then Sarah watches enough movies.

She's like, what about the embassy? Can I go to the embassy? Uh-huh. And he's like, let's check with our superiors. Yes. And she's like, they're checked with their superiors. I might be able to go to the embassy. And I'm like, all right, hopefully the embassy.

And now she's like, I'm at 2%. So I stopped texting. Now I'm just sitting here, no text. I'm just going, all right, hopefully the embassy or whatever, but worst case scenario, we're going back, which is the worst to fly seven hours. Of course. You get right back on a plane to fly seven hours back. Brutal.

We're fucked. And so she ends up battling. And finally, I'm like, I got to piss so bad. Yeah. I go, I'll be right back. I tell the cop, I'll be right back. She goes, take your bags with you. And I go, well, I'm coming right back.

She's like, yes, take your bags, but then come back. The moment I step out of the police station, I get a text. They just let me out. Where are you? The biggest relief of my life. I'm like, oh my God. And like now we're back to like, how do we find each other? Yeah.

I'm like, I'm down to you. I'm coming to you. Don't fucking leave. Go right to baggage claim 33. I'll be right there. I see her. It's like the happiest. Oh my God.

The whole thing. I have all the texts. It's two full hours. 7.54 AM to 9.54 AM. Exactly. Two hours. What changed? What did they let her go?

I guess, well, she said there was another couple of people. There was like one woman over there who was like a Muslim lady with all the garb. And she's like, no, no, no, that's my twin sister. She was claiming to have a twin sister. So there's like serious shit going down there where people are trying to like get into countries or whatever. I don't know what they did, but we went to the embassy and the lady at the embassy was like, you're so lucky.

They shouldn't have let you in. So I don't know if it was a white privilege or whatever the fuck, but she's like, it is my passport. It's me. Yeah. You can see that it's me. And but it was a whole situation. They finally let her in.

And then we had to go. We get in the cab. It was like an hour and a half of traffic. It was brutal. And now again, we're up for 28 hours now. Two hours of detainment, hour of traffic. Then we have to go straight to the embassy. I'm like, we're not doing anything.

She's like, we have the whole week to do it, but I'm like, no, no, we're doing it right. Good for you. Get it out. We go to the embassy and over there, it's like a sketch. First of all, you're now on like United States ground, which is crazy. Yeah. Yeah. Soil.

Yes. I had some soil in my asshole after that detainment. I bet. So we go in and it's like a sketch. The lady is like, oh, yes, we can take care of it. She's like French American, whatever. She's like, we can take care of this. It shouldn't be a problem.

They're going to cost you this amount of money. Yada, yada. She's like, but they just went on lunch. It's an hour. She's like, they left 10 minutes ago. She's going to wait here for 50 minutes. So now we wait in the embassy for 50 minutes. She gets her paperwork taken care of.

Finally, we go, we're the first ones. They go, you got to go pay the treasurer the money. And we go, great. I swear to God, this is true. We walk two windows down to the treasurer. It's like Blues Brothers. It's like a little clock that says, be back in one hour. They stagger the lunch.

They just went on lunch. We got to wait another 45 minutes for these people. There's lunches in this town. Crazy lunches. So it's another two hours. It's not lunch. Long story short, it was four hour total thing after landing. Seven hour flight, four hour yada, yada.

Finally, she gets her temporary passport and we're free and safe and clear. Instead of eight AM, it's now noon. Yes. We start our day. We go straight to the, what is it? The empires, the Eiffel Tower. Yes. And then from there on out, it was the best time of my life.

We had a wild opening and we were going home and they were like, you're going home. And if she had signed that paper, we would have skipped the whole trip. But luckily Sarah was like, I'm not signing it. Good for her. No means no. It's so crazy to hear the behind the scenes because all I see is a photo of you two smooching all cuddly under the tower. And I go, oh, look at these guys having a great time.

Unbeknownst to me, you've been ass raped for four hours. Benunced is a French word, I think. Sounds it. Yeah. Benay Ramsey. Benounced Ramsey. Fuck me. Whatever happened to her?

I think she died. Sounds about right. What are you going to do? But yeah, it was quite, quite an ordeal. And it was like the whole trip, like every half hour, you're like, can you imagine if we had gotten kicked out? That was so great. It was such an ordeal.

I mean, it was tears and fears and queers. And right out of the gate too, you just, you land and then boom, a fist right up the pooper. Well, it's so brutal because you're so close. Like I'm on the other side. I'm in Paris. I'm a free man. You're in.

And so like there was that thought too of like, she'll have to go take care of this in the streets and then come back. And I'm like, just meet up two days later or whatever. I'm like, I'll just be by myself getting some French horse or whatever. But anyways, the rest of the, I mean, I got a million more stories. I want to kick it over to you. In a way that must have been, I mean, it's hell, but to go through all that hell and then clear it has got to be somewhat of a relief right out of the gate.

Now you're like, now we have the whole trip free and clear. We were talking about that. There's so much, like that happens a lot. Like my life took us of anxiety. I always think I have cancer. And then the feeling of like being like, that's not a kid. That's a toothache or whatever. You're like, oh my God, you feel so good.

You feel liberate. So there was like kind of a positive of like, we feel extra grateful, but I would have felt plenty grateful if we didn't get it. But you got to that passport. It's such a fear too. Every time you go through customs to be detained or be kicked out or like the idea of flying all the way there and then just getting right back on a plane, like doing the whole thing over again and losing all the money.

But fortunately we were going to Paris and not, you know, Istanbul or fucking like a safari in Africa. At least like you're in France. Yes. Yes. Some European people who are nice. They never give you a benefit. There's no benefit of the doubt there.

So we're like, boop. Oh, that'll be fine. It's like, we got to just go all the full hog on this and dissect it. Well, here's the other thing that happened on the fast. Well, I'll skip the whole trip. I'll go back to that. At the end we're leaving and like we're still nervous because we're fucking, you know, PTSD and we're jarred and she's got a temporary.

So it looks a little wacky, this temporary. So like hopefully we can get on and get through and we go individually on customs, French customs and the way back. Now, when we went through the first time, the guy booped her thing and was like, oh shit. He was like, this is no good. So he just handed me back my, he never stamped my, he never gave me an entry stamp. Jesus. So then I go to leave and the guy there, he doesn't even speak English.

He's looking through for my stamp and I, I noticed, I knew when the guy, I went through that the guy never stamped my paper because I made note of it because I collect the stamps. It's exciting. And so this guy, I can see him going through each paid. I have a ton of stamps on my passport. I'm well traveled. And he's just going through back and forth. And I'm like, there's no stamp.

He didn't stamp. And the guy's like, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop. And I'm like, you guy never stamped. And I'm going to be late for this flight because it's forever to get through security. I'm like, you got to let me through. I'm like, I don't, there's no stamp. They didn't step in. He's like, when did you come here?

And I was like, I got here on Thursday, but the guy didn't stamp my paper. And they're like, to them, they're like, that's impossible. Right. That's our whole job is stamping the paper. I'm like, my wife got detained. He handed me back my passport. I swear to God. And they're like, well, there's no stamp here.

I mean, like, he's like, do you have your boarding pass? I'm like, here's my boarding pass. He's like, no, no, the boarding pass here. Who keeps that? And I was like, who would have a boarding pass? It was six days ago. Right. And I was like, I don't know what to tell you.

And then I was like, it was on my app, but it's gone now. And then he takes my phone. He's looking at my phone. I'm like, no, no, that's not it. That's just my phone. Jesus. And eventually I kind of asserted. I was like, I'm in America.

I flew here on Thursday. My wife is right here. I didn't. You didn't stamp my paper. I'm going to miss my flight. And finally they took pity on me too. And I gave it back to me. Wow.

They stamped it on the way back. So I got one stamp. It's the two stamps. All right. But it was terrifying. Yeah. But the trip itself was unbelievable. Best time of my, I mean, the happiest, best time of my life.

What a city. Everybody should just go to Paris, spend time there. We walked all on the, we got cigarettes. We smoked cigarettes and Cubans. I got a bunch of Cubans and we're smoking butts and smoking cigars and all kinds of things. We went to the Louvre, of course. Oh yeah.

Which is unbelievable. That place is bigger than the town I grew up in. Is that right? There's, it's nine kilometers of space. Like all those big buildings with the big glass triangle. Yeah. It's huge. And the grounds.

Well, the triangle is just, there's no grounds. That's just a fucking monument. Well, I think that's the inside looking out. Yeah. It's just a roof or whatever. Right. It's a roof because it's all underground. There's so many levels and it goes so long and over and up.

It's like, I think it's, it might even be 15 kilometers of space in there. And it was the king's castle. That was his joint. Oh, is that right? I live there. It's the second biggest museum in the world. There's like 350,000 pieces there.

Uh-huh. We saw the Mona Lisa and the goddess. What's her name? Mary DeMilo. Yeah. Venus. Venus DeMilo. Yes.

Venus and Serena. Yeah. And we saw Serena too. First, I mean, I got so much stuff about Paris, but I want to kick it over. We saw Serena's first matchback. Rafael Nadal, the king of clay, it was unbelievable. Our facilities are so much better than the French open.

Oh, nice. There's no bathroom in the stadium. Wouldn't it just be the open to them? Yeah. Well, we have the U.S. open. Ah, good point. Ho, ho, folks. Time for a nice ad read.

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We'll see you in hell. Thank you. Alright. Alright, give me some business and I'll come back. I just got a backtrack. I just want to thank everybody in the goddamn state of Colorado. What is that? The Rocky Mountain State?

Yeah, I think so. The Rocky Mountain State. Yeah, there you go. But a lot of it's flat, which is quite shocking. That's true. Much like my ex. So, I just went, I flew in on Wednesday and did a whole run. It was a whole Labor Day run all the way till Sunday left on Monday.

So, I was in Colorado for a while. I flew in, went straight to Fort Collins. Yes, I'm doing it next week. It's a great town. It's adorable. It's kind of a Madison-y, like a college town. Gorgeous, just clean, cute and quaint. Yeah, so I go there.

I go right to the Aggie Theater, which was great. The people there, Dave is very nice and Kyle, good eggs. They treat you well and they get you dinner and the whole thing. A bunch of Tuesdays came out and we had a great time. I did some shots and a lot of photos, a lot of drunks. A great time at the Aggie. Thanks to everybody who jizzed on me. One kid, we go out after we get dinner at something like a hot chicken place.

That's like their spot there. Oh, I love chicken. And this kid comes up and he's like, hey man, I'm a big fan. I got some shrooms for you, but I don't know if you want them. And I'll go, I'll take them. And he just hands me a bag of shrooms. I took an Instagram of it if you want to see. And these are the best looking shrooms I've ever seen in my life.

So, thank you to the shroom kid. Shroomy. Took a photo with him. He goes straight back then that night. It's a good hour and a half, two hour drive back to Denver. Go to Denver. I had some of the best shows of my life. I recorded some of these and I sent them to Netflix.

Like, hey, suck on that bitches. All right. We'll see if that goes through. You never know. And just tons of Tuesdays. The Ari shows really help. You're going to have some packed houses. I hope so.

Please pack my house. Yes. And my asshole. Full house. Days go by. Wait, no, that's what matters. Full house. Full house is whatever happened to the predictability.

The milk man, the paper boy, the IMTV. All right. So, all the shows were killer. Friday Late Show was a slug fest. A lot of drunks came out. But we had a great time. The staff is great. The club is great.

The city is great. Sold out. I've never done this. I hit my percentage. You know, they say guaranteed so much, so much. Yeah. Unless you hit 65% of ticket. And I hit it.

Wow. That must have been a lucrative weekend. It was so luc- I've made more money there than I've ever made at a comedy club and made a lot of TV gigs and whatnot. I made a ton of money. Wow. So, thanks everybody for coming out.

I went to the Rockies game just to celebrate. And here's what I wanted to get into, though. Please. So, these kids are coming out, these Tuesdays. They're giving me Chipotle cards. God bless you. Praise Allah. We appreciate it.

So, I'm going to Chipotle four times a day. You know, why the hell not? It's one right by the hotel there. Yeah. It repeats, though. I do like a Pete. And so, I go to Chipotle and I go somehow, I just end up there on a lunch rush.

I'm like, ah, what are you going to do? Fuck it. I'll wait in line. Big line out the door. A lot of well-to-dos, button-ups tucked in. Yuppies. Yuppies. It's a weekday.

It's a Friday. So, these kids are at work. So, I'm waiting in line and I get the fucking, the works. Give me the barbacoa with the guacamole and the jizz, the whole thing. I get up to the register. I go, here you go, dickless. I just hand her a stack of 40 cards.

And she goes, all right. Swipes one. There's nothing on here. Which is possible. So, I go, ah, here's another one. And she goes, nothing. So, I go, Sorry for that Indian, fella.

Fucking scumbag. Rishi. That dumb guy's like Nazi. You son of a bitch. So, I go, I go, hey, no, these are fresh. I got, look, I'm a comedian. They give them to me. These are right out of the package.

And she goes, well, there's nothing coming up. And I go, hey, look, cut, dick. I used these yesterday. There's $88 left on there. These are big cards. You know? This is a big catch. And she goes, ah, they're not working.

So, she calls the manager and I go, I swear to God. And I'm creating a stink. Ah, I love a stink. I'm a, I'm a, I'm a. Just like an Indian guy. Yes. In a cab. I'm fussing, as they say.

So, I go, ah, no, these cards are good. These aren't bunk. I know a bunk car. When I see it, I was biting the cards. These are good. And she goes, they're not swiping, you fag. And I go, look, I'm telling you, they're good. And she goes, I'm telling you they're not.

And I go, call the manager. I'm sick of, I'm sick of the, the, the embarrassment. She's shaming me with these cards. Well, sometimes they have to press in the thing. And then sometimes they don't press well, because I can see it, because the dollar in the sense starts going up. And I'm like, no, no, you're pressing the dollars in the sense, not the card code.

Right, right. So, she does a few card, but I mean, the tension is high, because there's 800 people behind me in suits and pants and stuff. So, I go, look, sloppy twat. This is gold. This is, this is, this is currency. And she's like, I'm telling you. So, I go, I'm walking.

I got a big fat burrito piled up to here with guacamole. I go, I'm walking. I had cash, but I walked. I took a stand. And I go, look, that's yours. You just walked? I walked. I didn't know you could walk.

I was Asian did. You can walk? I walked. Yes. By the way, I think Rishi is a great guy. I sit in his gum bag. I was trying to be funny. I feel terrible.

He knows he's a terrorist. Yeah, right. I was only kidding. I appreciate it. I'm very grateful. I'm going to be thinking about this all night. Rishi is going to probably buy us a franchise out of guilt. So, so I go, look, I'm walking.

There's a big pile there. And the manager comes out. He goes, ah, sir, I'm halfway out the door. He goes, test, take it. We're going to throw it away. Just take it. And I go, ah, I don't know what to do. So now me and him are doing a umpire and a pitcher thing.

The manager, I'm kicking dirt on his feet. He's kicking dirt on mine. Wait, so you're walking without the burrito? I go, I'm walking. I'm sick of this. I thought you were walking with the burrito. You're going to walk with the burrito. No, I walked.

Just go, I keep it. Fuck you. You're screwing me. All right. I'm going to walk with the burrito. No, because I want to them to be stealing. Because they said there's no money here. All right.

So I scoop up all my cards. I put them in a briefcase. And I go, I'm out. You scoop the cards. I scoop the nipples. So he goes, ah, all right. He chased me down with the burrito in hand. He goes, just take it.

Just take it. And I go, all right. Fuck it. So now I just sit there eating like a weirdo. And everybody's staring at me. Like this guy just stole a burrito. So what was the issue with the cards? They just didn't, their computer sucked.

They had a bad swipey. Bad swipey. And she put it in a few times. But I think the nerves were getting to her. She was hitting the three, four times. And it was, he had a pound button and a cue. It was not good. Yeah.

I can always feel it. I'd rather just pay when they can't swipe. Yeah. So that was awkward. Then a couple hours later, I texted Nate. Nate sober. He's got a lot of stuff in the works. Ah, comedy works.

He's in business mode. He's at the South Club. Wow. We got a real fart on there, folks. That was a list. That's an instance. Exclusive. How are you getting that?

That's a scratch and sniff. Woo. What is that? A hot tea? Oh my God. That's a oatmeal. Wow. Man, I want to set you back to Paris on that one.

Good Lord. Customs. So. I haven't got accustomed to that smell. Oh God. So. That's a real reishi. Yeah.

Oh my God. God damn. That is appalling. Alexa, call the police. Oh shit. Don't do it really. That was a joke. What?

Reggie Watts. No, forget it. He stinks. Don't call. Don't call the police on Reggie Watts. Don't fucking shoot him. Don't call anybody. Don't call.

Abort. Don't abort my wife. No call. No show. Don't call anybody. Shut up, you whore. We need Shelby back. Yeah.

Call Shelby. I'm sweating like a fucking reishi trying to buy a gift. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. So I had a great lunch with Nate. We hung up for like four hours.

He was in Denver. He was in Denver doing the South Club, the big one. Oh no kidding. He's doing the big club. I was doing a little club and he sold out everything. He's killed it. Yeah. But he's got so much just stuff in the works that he's like,

he's a different guy. He's just focused and he's just headstrong and put away dry. I gotta tell you, he oversold this half hour, this Netflix half hour. He's like, you can just buy a Cadillac now and wear nice shoes and bring your suit to Paris because you got a Netflix special. Right.

And I gotta tell you, I haven't gotten a tweet since 1987 here. People, check out the Netflix and send this kid a tweet. He's dying over here. Yeah. Tell some people, I mean, tell a couple of friends and tell them to get on the Patreon and to blow their parents because things have quiet on the Western front here.

Yeah. So once he got in my head, I'm trying to drink less. And then of course that night I got wasted. I was so hungover on Saturday. I think I'm getting old, man. Yeah, you are. Me, you're getting old. The way you eat those Oreos, you're practically having sex

with them. So I couldn't get out of bed. I'm like, I'm in Denver. The sun is shining. And I'm like regarding Henry. I can't even move a toe. So I'm like, ah, fuck. So I take an Adderall and that juices you all up.

So I go to the Rockies game, Coors Light. And I had a great time. We got some nosebleed seats. Took the shirt off. I never forgot what you said about the shirt off. Yeah. About how in the back of the old days, guys would take their shirt off.

Shirtless all the time. All the time. It was a whole shirtless world. And it's just changed. Is that because we've gotten fatter or we've gotten more conservative? More conservative, I think. It's just not socially acceptable anymore.

You see the old picture, the bleach is 100% shirtless. Nobody wore shirts. Nobody wore shirts. Even in private, like at barbecues. Yes. My family, all my uncles would have jeans, no shirts. Fascinating. But now no one's walking around with no shirt.

You'd be like, what are you doing, Steve? Put that on. Right. It's a lot of skin, I guess. I guess so. They're grosser. They should be thin men. It's the nipples.

Nah, they were fat back then, too. A lot of fat. A lot of fat. Fat back. All right. So yeah, just had a great time in Denver. And thanks to everybody. Thanks to the club, the staff, the anal, the card, the fans,

the edges. The whole thing was great. And if you'd like to see more, I'm there next week. There you go. And Fort Collins on Wednesday. Denver Comedy Works Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Please come back out again and support all the gays. But I've got to tell you, Denver, it gives you a taste of

like what it's like to have fans and be a draw and make some real goddamn clams. I hope. Well, don't nate me. I mean, I bought a private jet on the screen to this Netflix. And I got a day job now. You should have flown that to Paris. All right.

So yeah, let me do a read. Oh, we got to do a read. I forgot. Why don't you do an actress? We can plug it in the middle. Oh, good idea. Let's do that. I think that might be better.

I don't want to kill the moment. Well, and I think we're 75 minutes into this episode here. All right. So yeah. I got Clusterfest, but that's a whole other bag of hammers. So you go. All right. I'll tell you some Paris anecdotes.

I got a fucking burp and fart and look at a note here. What a trip already. We're already you got a suit on. You're in customs. Sarah's not signing things. It's like a movie. It was pretty fun. And so we went to this burlesque.

We wanted to go, you know, we went over to Montmartre. Oh, that's the hip. Montmartre. Yeah. That was a little oversold to me too, by the way. People are like, you haven't been to Paris because I went all over. I had a couple of days there last year or two years ago with Lucifer

and people like, you didn't go to Montmartre. You don't know anything about anything. You're a fucking retard. You stink. You gay. Yeah. And then I went over there and it's cool, but it's not. It's just a neighborhood.

Yeah. It's nice. It's fine. It's whatever. It's a little, it's got a little scum on it. A little bit of grimy. A little grime, but went over there. There's like Mulan Rouge.

We wanted to see some French shit. So we went to a different cabaret, not Mulan Rouge. We went to one down the street. Okay. Now you see tits, which is exciting. That's fun. I've never seen tits with my wife before. Europe tits.

Yeah. Some nice Europe tits, but I'll tell you, we made love right before and I dropped a big hot one on the sheets. So the tits did nothing for me. You ever see tits and you're like, this is nothing. Oh man, I gotta tell you, I bought Girls Gone Wild back in the 81 and those tits after you see seven pairs ago, I got it. Yeah.

Well, you need some investment for a tit to pay off. Right. Tit invest. Yeah. Tits fell out. I'd be coming all over the pastries. That's amazing. But just a random tit.

It's just a nipple and some skin. That's true. It's a bag of jizz with a nip. I used to see him at Barbecue in my 70s. In the 70s. Oh, no shirt. No shoes. No problem.

Uh-huh. Well anyway, so we went to the show. We joined the burlesque show and it's real silly. It's kitschy. We're in a little theater and Sarah got dressed up. I dressed my Ted Baker on my pants. And one of the guys, the gay dancers come out and they're all dancing.

I'm enjoying it. I'm half tired. And Sarah goes, look at that guy. It's Dan Soder. One of the dancers looks exactly like Soder. He's gay, flamboyant, French soda. I've never laughed so hard in my life. I laughed for two hours straight.

Really? Afterwards we tried to find him on the internet. We couldn't find him. This guy, big head, square jaw, just like Soder. But it was doing like the mouth open. Like jazz finger guy. And it was the gayest Danis Soder I've ever seen in my life. He's got a doppelganger heading out over there.

There you go. And it's just Dan Soder and tits. I was laughing. Everyone was looking at us because we were laughing too hard. You know, you can't stop laughing. Right. Everyone was looking at us like, scram your piece of shit. Sure.

This is art. Well, according to Danny, his mom was quite a hooah. So maybe she was out there finagling out in gay paris. Oh, you think she banged a Frenchman? I think she took a big hot French bread up the vagina. I think you might be right. Well, I talked to him. He didn't mention that, but he's curious.

So he's half gay, too. Yeah, he's a baguette. But anyway, I liked it. But anyways, that was something else. And like I said, we bought cigarettes. We went down to the river and there was a big thing. Do you know it rains more in Paris than in London? I did not know that.

That's what I heard. I love fun facts like that. Like cows kill more people than sharks. What? Look it up. Google. What do they do? They get bad milk?

Ah, you kick your head butt. You ram. You sit on. They kick. Oh, they kick. They kick by a cow. But I've never gotten close to a cow, I have to say. Yeah, well, try it.

You might get killed. Oh, they probably kill farmers, I suppose. That's what it is. And there's a lot of something they could run over people. Oh, yeah. Or they tip over. Or they tip. They might roll over on a baby.

They tip. Jews don't, but cows do. Hey. Take it easy. Canoe. Just kidding. Anyways, we went down there and there's a big thunder. Huge thunder.

So we're on one of the bridges there and we're looking. I got a great photo of it. It's just this dark. It looks like Independence Day with the big ship coming over, big black cloud. And like over there, it's nice. So I'm taking all these panoramic with the blue sky over there and the thunderstorms over there.

Yes. We got these smokes. So we went under a bridge. I was like, let's just wade out the storm and smoke. I love it. So we're sitting under a bridge and like underneath you have this huge open sky of the river and the sky and the storm. And it's lightning.

So it's just lighting us up. Yeah. We're the only two under there and she's smoking butts. I'm smoking a Cuban. We got the Eiffel Tower in the background. It was the most serene, magical hour of my life. It was a full hour. It was not how long it takes to smoke a nice cigar.

Romantic. And then I finished the cigar, threw it in a puddle. And then just then it was just kind of sprinkling. We popped open our umbrellas and went for a nice long walk. And Paris is just beautiful. You're talking about they drink wine, but no one, culturally, no one bellies up to a bar. There's no like pubs in Paris.

Yeah, that's true. You sit at a cafe and you face out and you drink glasses of wine or whatever. Right. Or maybe a beer or whatever. Or you get wine. You sit in the park or by the river. Right. But there's no like, I'll take another one over here.

That's true. Well, I had a fucking scatly pack and there's none of that. It's just sitting around being like, well, I think politics are stupid or whatever. Maybe that's why the Irish were the N words of Europe, because that's what they, they're a bunch of drunk idiots. Yeah. Ireland and England, they're all, you know, up at the bar, but there they just kind of sit and you, I love Paris.

I love, I love leaving the country because of all the things that drive you crazy about America. Because you're like, after a while, I'm like, I just want to meal and leave. I want a half hour. Every meal is two hours in Paris. Two hours and it's thick and heavy and gay. But you're like, hey, can I get the check? And they're like, sure.

And then you see them just standing over there for like a half hour. Yes. So true. And there's no to go there. They don't even understand the concept. No. All the tea to go. You got all day.

It's 15 minutes. I'm like, can I get the tea? And the guy's like, yeah, it's coming. Right. Like they just, there's no like urgency there. There it is. There is a Chipotle there, by the way. What?

In Paris. Unless I was seeing mirages. Maybe. But I think there's a Chipotle in Paris. I didn't go in, of course. But after a while, you're like, I cannot wait to go home. Because remember, I did Winnipeg right before. Yeah, sure.

Then went camping with Bobby and Ari. Then went straight to Paris. And I'm like, I got to get home. Oh, yeah. I need a McDonald's, a Domino's, a blow job and a Starbucks in that order. That's a good day. It really is. Well, it's a lot of fat, but both of us.

She's not that big. But it was just a magical time. And I can't even describe. It's the happiest I've ever been. I had no worries, no cares. Just felt great. And I wish everyone could experience what I had. The love of my life on my arm, a dream come true.

The Eiffel Tower. I'm enamored with it. We talked about this before. Beautiful. I cry. We walked up there. And we went up to the top of Notre Dame, which was great. And we had to skip the line app.

That was fun. We're up there with the Shakespeare and Co bookstore. We sat in there for an hour. Wow. A lot of meditation. Notre Dame. We went to these. Notre Dame is cooler than Walmart, that neighborhood.

Oh, yeah. Way better. The island. Yes. Then we did one of those boat tours. We did an hour boat tour. They gave us all the fun facts and stuff. I love it.

We're on the boat, living our lives. And I got great photos. I posted them all. Check them out on Instagram. Go to Paris. Fuck your father. And just the best, happiest time of my life. It was like one of those ones where you're just,

we get along all the time anyways, but we were just getting along and you're like, God, I feel like I did it. Yes. We went to Paris. It's everything I wanted to be as a teen. We're like having this long conversation and smoking on the river, under the bridge.

You're like, this is what I dreamed of being and doing. Love it. Love it. And then you have that feeling where the trip is ending. Like, oh, we got to go home back to our lives. And I'm like, I'm at the cellar all weekend. I'm going to New York City. Yeah.

Our city's pretty good too. Yeah. Well, you got to leave to a preach. You do. You preach. And it's like, I'm not like I'm going back to fucking, you know, dig ditches or whatever with all due respect to people digging ditches. I don't want to make you feel bad.

I think they got machines now. Yeah. I think you're real. Damn blowjob fucking machines. I'm going to rage against them. They're taking over. But then I got home and then I was like, I hadn't on stage a week. And sometimes you take a week off.

You're like, what am I doing? I should be working. What am I at? And I went, no, no, no, just go back to work now. There you go. Got back. I was at the cellar all weekend. What a sight for sore asshole.

When you get home and you see that comedy cellar. It was a weekend. Estes there. Val's there. Sam Merrill, who is just unbelievable. I saw him have a set at the village on the ground. I was like, this guy's the best comedian there is right now. Killer writer.

Go check out Sam. And I was at the village underground fat black cellar all weekend. Killing. I got all this new stuff. All this new Paris material. Oh, nice. So happy about that. And I feel great.

It's good to be back. I love my life. I love you. And I love gays. And I'm sorry about everything. Yeah, the gays are fine. But yeah, good to have you back. And boy, I've been dying to hear all about it.

So I didn't disappoint. I'm sure there's more here that I'm missing. Oh, this happened last night, by the way. This is not even removed from Paris. Yeah. Or two nights ago. I'm riding the train home. It's like two in the morning.

Had a hot night at the cellar. And this is an amazing travel moment. I'm going. It's raining. I think it was Saturday night. It's raining. I leave. I'm done.

I had five sets. Made some good money there. Yeah. Fist full of cash. Great sets, new stuff. I'm like, I'm going to go get a cab and head home and see my baby. It's pouring rain. There's no cabs available.

I'm standing in the pouring rain. And it's like, it's just no cabs available. Cars are going by. The cabs are all occupied. So I was like, fuck this. Let me jump on the train. I'll get out of this neighborhood. And then I'll get a cab from there.

Because the weekend service is the nightmare. Brutal. I walked down to West 4th Street. The E train, which takes me to Astoria, is pulling up. I love it. I jumped. I saved 30 bucks. I got home in 30 minutes.

Wow. Unbelievable. But we're driving on the train from 4th Street to 14th Street. And it's kind of shugging along weekend service. And we're underground, pitch black. And all of a sudden, somebody's banging on the windows. Underground. Whoa.

And I'm like, what the fuck? I turn. You just see a ghostly face. Oh, my God. Under the ground. And everyone, the whole train, shit in their pants. Somebody was underground, banging on the fucking window. Like a psychopath.

Is it Melania? No, no Melania. I don't know who it was. It was a real ghostly man. Oh, my word. Some drunk maniac. What? Risking his life.

Yeah. Yeah. He was like in like a little cubby hole. Like, ah. It was like, it was the craziest horror movie moment. Oh, my God. It wasn't, it was a hobo. Some kind of hobo or just like a drunk fucking lunatic.

What the fuck? But he banged the whole train ride down. Like you could look down the train. Everyone was like freaking out and jumping. Like looking at each other. You guys heard that? That's insane. And I was by myself and I had some like headphones in,

but I was listening to like a podcast. So I was just like, did I hear that? I was like, I never was like, what the fuck? It's all these like Latino, like what the fuck? Yeah. Yeah. It was really fucking creepy. Whoa.

That is a spook show and a half. It made my heart pound. And then like I got off the train in Queens and I'm walking. Every noise. I'm like, yeah. Yeah. Because once you're startled, you just stay startled. Wow.

I've never had a whole life startled. I'll never get a boner again after that. Startled is a fun word. Startled. Finished old. Anyways, that's pretty much what I got. Paris. I wish I had more story stories, but it was just glorious.

I mean, it's just. That's what you want. It's the city of light. It was just, it was just magical. I felt in love with the city and with my wife and with my life. And what a town. I mean, what if you have the means go out to Paris. I tell you, man, we have great lives just in San Fran.

I'm not going to get into it because I'm going to save some juice. But, uh, I mean, we're sitting there amongst all these talented people. I'm talking to, I didn't actually talk to Mulaney. I'm terrified of him, but Mulaney is there. Jim Jeffries and Schumer and Trevor Noah and John Stewart. And we're all a kinbo. You know, I'm hanging out with Michael Chay's dressing room. These people are like, oh my God, Michael Chay.

They're like on their knees blowing. I'm like, I'm going to make another drink if I can do. And just having a great time. And oh man, we're getting paid to be. I did an 8,500 seat theater. It was amazing. And it just, they just give you food. They give you drinks.

They go, Hey, here's a party. Are you happy? Are you comfortable? I'm like, yeah, but what are you kidding? This is the best night of my life. Yeah, it's nice. We're hanging. We're creating friendships, the whole thing.

And hopefully we go out before we get kicked out of society. And I'll tell you, it feels like you're cheating a little bit. Like, you're just like, this is too good to be true. And then in two or three weeks, I'm going to Italy with the lady. Ooh, a manja. We're going to the Amalfi Coast. What's Amalfi? That's the coastline on the bottom there.

And it's like the most beautiful place on the planet. Oh, you drive it. I got a fiat. The bottom of the boot. Thank you. All right. Yeah. Boots.

Boots. My love pump. Yeah. So I can't wait. And I have the guilt that you have. Oh, am I not working? I'm gay. I hate myself.

I'm going to kill my dad. But I'm just going to enjoy it and suck it up and get a tan and get a pasta. Yeah, you go, you enjoy it. And then you just go back and then you're like, oh yeah, you take one set. You listen to a set. I listen to a set. You're like, oh, I remember that joke goes. That's a joke.

And then you're back in it. It doesn't take long. People leave their jobs and they come back. I know. But then you start feeling, but you think about these young guys nipping at your heels. But that's awesome. Now there's no nip. That's in your head.

It's just anxiety. It's just life. Oh, I want to get into it. But the clusterfest is a chunk. Tease it. Next week, folks. Come back. Same gay time, same gay channel.

And then, by the way, go to the Patreon. We're about to do a hot bonus. There's a bonus episode up there. Five episodes up there. Melinda, get back on. There's no pornography on there, you kook. Come on, you whore. And tell everybody to get on the Patreon because we're doing bonuses.

We're doing stuff. We're doing live stuff. And come see us live. We're all over the road. The second half of this year is jam-packed with jizz. So you're going to want to get it right on the face. Yeah. I got a lot of dates.

Next week is, well, this week is Syracuse. If you're upstate, go to Syracuse. Tom Dustin and Alvin are on the show with me. Big Al. Yeah. And next week, Wednesday, I'm at Fort Collins. And, oh, by the way, right now, today, Ticketfly got hacked. Is that right?

You heard. Yeah. I did not hear. The stand, all these places got hacked. Oh, yeah, hacked. So they were out, down and about for a week. So today, they're offering a 25% off ticket sales at the Fort Collins show.

So go get your tickets today. It's a limited temporary, sorry about the hacking situation. Yeah, you're right. So get on it because it's not going to last that long. There you go. So we're off Wednesday at the Aggie Theater. Aggie. Fort Collins.

And then Comedy Works, Denver. I'm so excited to be there all weekend. And I got a bunch of other dates. Montreal Comedy Nest is coming up. Providence Comedy Connection is in July. And Hyenas, I think, is in August. Bellevue. If you're a Pearl Jam fan and a Joe List Tuesdays with Stories

fan, I'm doing a show between the two Seattle Pearl Jam shows. Bellevue. Wow. What's that club in Bellevue? Parlor Live. Parlor Live, August 9th. August 8th and 10th, the night between, go to Bellevue.

I'll be there. How do you like them, Apples? Yeah, I'm going to be at both Pearl Jam shows and my own show, obviously. Boy, talk about living a life. That's like your dream. It is my dream. My parents are coming out.

It's going to be really something. Well, watch out, Bellevue. Pretty high end. I've been there before. I've been to the mall and walked around there. I was actually at that mall when the Paris Attacks happened. Oh, wow. I went to the movies with Derek.

We saw Room, which is like a creepy movie with the kid and the woman. Yes. And then we came out and it was like this big Paris attack. What's that kid's name? Eddie Bauer? Eddie Kriznav? What? The guy who got shot?

What? The magazine. The Paris. The magazine. Mad Magazine? No, they shot up a magazine. Oh, Hedbo. Charlie Hedbo.

Charlie Hedbo. Yes. Which I still, when I went to Gay Perry a couple months ago, there was Hedbo stuff everywhere. Oh, yeah. They loved the Hedbo. I didn't really follow that too closely. That's like their onion.

Oh, right. Then some muzzies. They trashed a couple of muzzies and then they've shot up the joint. Oh, well. What are you going to do? But hey, you can't judge. Bill Maher hates them, but what are you going to do? That can you do.

Well, be nice to each other, everybody. Take care of each other and go hit the Patreon. There's a lot of bonus stuff. It's a lot of fun. Come see us live for God's sakes. T-shirts are up. I'm all over the road. Chicago, Salt Lake City this weekend or next weekend at Wise Guys.

Then I'm at DC Draftouts. DC, God love you. Come out to shows. Let's make love. And where the hell else am I? New Orleans. Coming hometown hero. Justinmyface.com.

Helium in Portland. One of my favorite clubs. One of my favorite cities. Please come out to that. I'm going to push the hell out of those tickets. I want to hit. I'm hooked now and hit my numbers. I want to hit at every club and make some real cash.

I know. Believe me. I know it's hard. It's fucking really hard. Yeah, we're out of money, folks. We spent it all on Paris and Islam. Hartford Funny Bone. One of my faves.

Not really. Omaha Funny Bone. Side Splitters and Tampa. Hyenas. We're both coming down. Gotham in New York City. Stress Factory. Uncle Vinny's.

Oh, I'm really keeping it local for a while. Rumors in Winnipeg. Telefren. Black Friday. Thanksgiving. Chicago. Skyline Comedy Cafe got bought. Oh, I heard that.

Somebody bought it out. Now I'm doing that. That's not for a while. But come out in Wisconsin and Pittsburgh. So yeah. Hot week. Hot year. Hot pod.

Hot blooded. Hot toddy. So we love you. We're gay. Praise jizz. Eat your asshole. And come in my soup. We'll see you next year.

Farts. Yell at your polo.