Tuesdays with Stories! - #249 Bible Crunch

Episode Date: June 12, 2018

It's yet another hot Tuesday as Mark tries to sneak into a nice hotel gym before having the best comedy after party ever at Clusterfest in San Francisco and Joe does the Bonfire with Robert Kelly! Check it out! Subscribe to our Patreon for new bonus eps featuring Ron Bennington, Chris Distefano, Nikki Glaser, and Yannas Pappas. Plus, a new bonus vid with Joe, Robert Kelly & Ari Shaffir! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download Go on iTunes and give the pod a #5StarLunch review!

This is a Stand Up New York Labs production, providing you podcasts since 2013. Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard.

And then the duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody.

Nah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. Hey everybody, we're back. It is Tuesday morning for many of you. I mean, so many people listen in the morning. We get a lot of morning listeners. Yeah, a lot of commute people who drive and play it in the vehicle. One guy tweeted, he's like, I love this podcast because it's always consistent.

And then people gave him some business. They gave him some flack. Oh, yeah? Yeah, one guy wrote, this is the... They have a nice personality of podcast compliments. Because he wasn't like, this show's hilarious. He was like, it just comes out at the same time. Oh, that's funny.

That's a funny jab. Yeah, there was a couple of people who were like, fuck you. They're funny. It's like when I did Last Comic and then Norm Macdonald was like, you're a writer. Your future's in writing. And like, I got a thousand people being like, fuck Norm. This is what he's talking about. You're not ugly.

And I was like, I think it was like the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. Yeah, yeah. Well, we're all writing. That's what comedy is. The whole thing's writing. I remember that when I was young, I would come down to these bringer shows. And Kerry Hoffman at Stand Up New York, he was the owner of Stand Up New York and a manager for a long time.

And he was like, did you do any writing? And I was like, I wrote all that. I was 19. So I didn't know the business and like, you know, in the business, they don't want you to just be like, nobody's happy about that. They want you to be writing a movie and a TV show and acting. And, you know, they want you to be gay and whatever. And so I was like, well, I just, I wrote the joke.

What do you mean? Yeah. I did all the writing. That is writing. And he was like, no, no, do you do other writing? And I was like, what? I had no idea. I mean, he's a teenager.

So I was like, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. He's like, like movies, TV shows. And in my mind, I was like, what are you crazy? Oh, my Spielberg. Yeah. I don't know how to write a TV show. I'm a Gentile. But it was strange to me.

I think someone's writing for me. Those are my jokes. By the way, I just got a comment. So insane that you were doing New York City shows at 19. I would drive down. Mine boggling to me. 19. I was a jizz into my own mouth.

Oh, that's what I try to do now. Shoot it just right. You got to hold it before you release. Well, you got to have someone hold your ankles. That's what I'm trying to get my wife to do. But she won't participate. You got to get one of those hangy Batman things. Hangy Batman.

Remember Batman? Oh, the back brace. Yes. Wow. That's how he would sleep, which was a weird addition. That wasn't in the comic book. Yeah. It didn't make sense because he's not a bat.

Yes. Exactly. His whole thing is he's not a bat. He's just a dude. If he was a bat, there'd be shit all over the house. Batshit. Batshit guano. Is it guano?

I'm not sure. It's guano. It's been two or two. Good question to guano. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. No, no. I think it's batshit.

It's called guano. Hmm. Well, this is the problem. We're at Mark's house now. There's no Shelby anymore. We missed Shelby terribly. Yeah. Maybe I'll text Shelby later and just see how he's doing.

Plug it in. Well, that's crazy. Yeah. He doesn't feel. I've asked him, how are you doing? He just says, why are you asking me? But he's doing better because he's got a girl now. His hair is all that hair.

He says it's always that way. But it really looked like something. He got a lady? Yeah. We talked about it on air. He's got a hot girl. Yeah. I thought he was the sex robot guy all the way.

No. He's got a girl. He's got a tooth comb and some product. And he's got some olive oil skin. He's tan. Beautiful. He looks like an Israeli pirate. But he's not Jewish.

No. No. He's a big boy. And he's from Portland. So who knows? He is? Or he lived in Portland. Something.

Wow. What guy's an enigma? He really is. He's not black though. You get it? I do. All right. I was going to say we haven't met at that out.

I'm keeping it. I'll take the blame. Oh boy. I was going to say you are peachy golden. You got a great tan right now. Well thank you. I tan very well. Surprisingly.

Is that peri? Maybe. Outdoor walking around? Well I'm just walking around. I'm outside a lot. A lot of walking around. It's been nice out. And I also sometimes this happens.

I'll steam and it just my body keeps the heat for a while. This is more skin glow I think. That's a glow baby. But sometimes I'll come out of the gym. I'll steam for like 45 minutes. I really like it in there. I'm in there for a day and a half. I don't know.

I get bored. I come out. Well I do my meditating in there. I jerk off. And then I come out. I go to Starbucks. And the lady thinks I'm a psychopath. Because I'm just pouring sweat.

Oh yeah. This is a real cute girl at Starbucks. And sometimes you feel like you have that feeling of like is this girl vibing me or am I just gay. My whole life. Are they vibing or am I vibing. Am I gay or are you gay. Right.

Are we gay. Now you're a handsome guy though. I got bad teeth. So nobody is vibing me. Well. I got no vibes. You're tall though. Full head of hair.

I'm tall. I'm lanky. That's tall. I'm all stretched out. Like Goldman's tall. Well you're tall as a number. You can't. It's not subjective.

I know but I'm not. But you're saying it is subjective in that you're saying this is what I have going on. Yes. Sexy. But I'm not attractive tall. I'm a long. Look at my leg. That's fine.

My waist is just below my nipple. You're a scarecrow. It's not good. But here's the thing. You know I want to get into this with you. You know you're not supposed to. I have a weird theory with women how women are embarrassed by what they're attracted to.

Hear me out. I'm listening. Women they get mad about like if you call like everything my gal likes is what they tell you not to do at a sexual harassment seminar. Oh yes. I've never been to one of those. I go to one weekly. I think they like all these things in a weird way.

So when you do it to them it bothers them because they do like it. Yes. Interesting. I mean because and we talked about this this time with the disease thing particularly where it was he did this and he was like yeah I'm going to fuck you and he finger her pussy or whatever and he put it in the power. Yeah. But and I think we talked about this maybe on air or maybe not.

I've been dealing with the opposite problem my whole life where I'm I'm turning women off because I keep being like well maybe it would be fun if we kissed right wouldn't that be neat. You just do it. Yes. Be an animal. I've been in the friend zone my whole life. So these people all of a sudden it's like he's such a piece of shit.

He just picked her up and put her on the table. What a fucking asshole. Yeah. That's what women for the most part do want. It's why it's so vexing. Yes. So it's it's hard. You put something out there and then they're like well get out of here.

I've been doing that my whole life with even Sarah I went on five hundred and fifty five dates with her. I remember all of everyone and talk about this in the live one. So if you're a patriot I apologize you've already heard this by the way just can I detour for a second. I was talking to my best friend Derek who you know is obviously my best pal but also a huge podcast comedy fan. Yeah.

And he was saying and this is an advertiser of the Patreon folks. He just lifted and listened to the live village underground with Nicky and Yannis lunch. He's like it's a shame. He's like I wish I could drop flyers out of the sky to join the Patreon. He's like maybe you should just release it in like a year or something. I was like we can't because people will be pissed at the Patriot to the play the paying folks. It's like the reason they don't let you sit in box seats when it's you're like no you

paid 30 bucks. Get out of here you scumbag. You got to pay for bucks. But I'm telling you folks get on the Patreon that village underground episode is magical. He's like I can't believe it. He's like I thought you were going to oversell it because you told me how good it is. It's unbelievable. Nice.

He's in the same with the Moon Tower. He's like these are like the two best episodes in the history of the podcast. Whoa. That's what he's saying. That's what the people are saying out there folks. We love you dare. And a small the Patreon is growing but a small percentage is on there. So get on there.

You're missing some of the best episodes of all time. It's only three bucks. Everyone else is five. Yeah. We're cheaper and we're better. We fucked up. We're growing not showing. We should have gone five.

Should have gone. But we did it. We went three. So three it is folks. We're a man of the people. Just like Alan. You pay what you can. That's what we're Alan.

Find the joy. Okay. Yeah. So anyways. The reason I bring up the power thing is because women like tall. Tall is power. That's what it is. You're looking up at a guy.

It's all power. I'm not saying they don't like tall. I'm saying they don't like lanky. All right. I'm not the right kind of tall. But they'll take lanky over short. A lot of people don't like short. Short's weird.

Short's out. Yeah. They shit on short. But then I also see some short guys. Because the short guys have better bodies. Because they're more compact. Maybe. They're like a tank.

Yeah. I got a long thing. Yeah. You're the guy at the car sale. Yes. I'm a wappy balloon thing. They put the air in it. It wiggles and waggles.

Yeah. It's balloon-ish. Yeah. But it's open at the end. Oh, is that right? Because it flows. Yeah. The balloon is fat.

She's ballooning up. Right. She's like a balloon. Yeah, yeah. But you're not fat. No, I'm not fat. I'm in good shape. I'm fit.

I'm cut. But when a muscular, also women like muscles, that's no shock. That's power. Yeah. Muscle, tall, money. These are all power. These are all things women like. So they do like power.

Yeah, they want a man. I mean, that's what a woman want. A man. They want a man to be held. Why wouldn't you? You're a woman. He's a man. Why wouldn't you want more of a man?

Exactly. So that's why the power thing is all very confusing. So. I also have a tooth situation where someone said it to me so well. It hurt. It crippled me. Ooh. Let's, I can't wait to hear it.

This guy, this guy who you know, he was described by Leonard Newt says, the guy that ain't shit. Oh, I know. One of the funniest lines. I know that guy. Of all time. That's really funny. Leonard Newt, he's like, that's how he described a person.

I think we talked about this before on there, maybe. He's like, who's the guy that ain't shit? And I was like, what? He's like, the guy that ain't shit. You know him. He ain't shit. And I was like, oh, you mean Peter? And he's like, yeah, that guy ain't shit.

And it's to this day, the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life. It wasn't trying to be funny. That's how he talks. No, no, he's dead. I mean, black people are at such an advantage. They just are funnier. They're just funny people. Funny way of speaking.

Yes. Fucking hilarious. And he's 8,000 pounds. He just looks funny. He was getting upset with me for not knowing who he was talking about. And his entire description was the guy that ain't shit. He kept saying it. He's like, what's wrong with you?

He wasn't like the guy with the beard, the tall guy, the lanky guy, the glasses. You know who I'm talking about. He ain't shit. Oh, he ain't shit. Thank you. Peter. I'm going with Peter again. Let's hear the cutting.

He got right to the root. Oh, so the ain't shit guy. No pun intended. I was like, God, I hate my teeth. I had such a problem. And everyone's like, no, no, they're fine. He's like, if you were a woman, it would be a deal breaker. If a woman had those teeth, it would be a deal breaker.

Oh, man. And I thought about it deep and hard. Yeah, take it. And he's right. Deep and hard. I mean, you know what I mean? Like, I mean, now I'm older. I'm mature.

You get older. I mean, I have an older wife. Being nice and kind and funny works. Yeah. When you're in your 20s, the teeth, they just go, look at his teeth. Fuck that. If a woman had these teeth, I'd be like, I like her. But I got to be friends.

I can't look at that when I'm fucking. I don't think they're that bad. I'm looking at them right now. When you're about this tiny, I get a really small window. I'm covering them with the mic. I hold the mic up tight like a gangster rapper. I'm looking at them. They're not bad.

I'm covering. Maybe if I got in there with a scalpel and a magnifying glass and a toothbrush, it'd be a different story. All right. You don't want to magnify these things. I'm looking at them. They're white. They're white.

Yellow one is facing the wrong direction. It's like a flap. It's like a mud flap. It's like a scared girl. It's facing the wall. And there's mud on it. And there's mud. Yeah.

A lot of mud. All right, man. I've got a muddy, flappy tooth. But right in, ladies. In my teeth, the deal breaker. My wife might die. I got to know if I'm back out there. I think the bottom row might be worse.

But I think you're okay. The bottom. I don't worry about because it's mostly covered with a lip. The top is the wear when you smile. But your top is better. No, the top is bad. Wow. The top's real bad.

Bad top. I got a bad top. I got a bad top peewee. A shitty bottom. Muddy waters. I got to get in the invisible line. But the invisible line, it hurts. People like it hurts all the time.

You're moving teeth around. And it's expensive. I had braces for five years. It was a living hell. You had to tighten them every week. And you had to go in and just sit there. And I did some old guy with white hair. We go, you're ready?

And you go, oh. I had braces too. That's the worst part. Oh, you did. I didn't wear the retainer and all the thing. I didn't either. Mine are shifting slowly, like Venice. Yeah.

But some of them shift. Even it's not even wisdom. Teeth just naturally shift. Yeah. It's a bummer. Like tectonics. They call that. Yeah.

Hooked on platonics. Worked for me. Did it? Anyways. All right. Well, I don't think the teeth are that bad. But the deal breaker line, that's a kick in the twat. But if you saw a woman with these teeth, you'd be bummed out.

I'd be bummed out. But I've hooked up with some British skanks. Yeah. I told you the guy. The guy said I looked British. He's like, you look British. And I was like, well, that's just bad teeth. There's no other look.

Like if you tell someone they look Irish, they could be pale, redhead, fucking little dick. Freckled. Yeah. But English, if you say someone looks British, that's just they have bad teeth. That's it. Drunk. I wonder if you went to England, got off the plane, if you would go up two notches in looks.

Oh, I could probably fuck it up in England. Yeah. Because you're lanky. The teeth would be neutral there. Yeah. A little more neutral. Uh-huh. And you got an accent.

Well, I'm going to Ireland. That's pretty close. I could see what I got there. Yeah. Well, in Ireland, my asshole is a nine. Well, but the women there are the most beautiful. Well, the black-haired ones. Black-haired blue eyes.

Every woman I met had black hair and blue eyes. And they're stunning. I can't wait to go back. They've got some beautiful women in the accent and the heritage. Nothing hotter than a black-haired blue eye lady. That is number one, if you ask me. It's really something. And so many Irish women have it.

And then they're friendly. And they're like. Yeah. And you're like, God. Top of the morning to you, too. I like red hair, too. I'm all right with red. But I just don't like pale.

I feel like pale looks unhealthy. I feel like I can see your veins working and pumping. Yuck. I don't know. I don't mind it. All right. I like tan. I like pale.

I like it all. The phones are lighting up. Well, I got to talk about SF. San Francisco. By the way, don't say San Fran. Those gays will queef all over you. Yeah. What is this with the San Fran?

What are they? They don't like it. They hate it. People make all these dumb rules up about their town. But I find a lot of that's bullshit. People are like, oh, you know what? No one says bean town. I'm like, I say it all the time.

Nobody cares. I say bean town. Yeah. People say this, too. We talked about this last week. People are like, in France, they're so rude. They're rude. They hate Americans.

They hate English. Don't even try to speak English. I've been there. I've spent nine days of my life not one issue. Not one. I agree. New Yorkers are way meaner than Perry. Yeah.

But even New York, if you don't really have that many problems, you just got to, there's assholes everywhere. Assholes everywhere. And I got one on me. Yeah. One right between my legs. Yep. Okay.

So I got there Friday. Boy, that cross-country flight is a dick liquor. It's long. And here's the thing. We do it all the time. All the time. Once a month or maybe once every two months. And it is six hours of just cum guzzling.

Yeah. You think about, you got LA, you got, and then like. Portland, Seattle. Portland, Seattle, LA, San Francisco, Vancouver. Then like, yeah, even far like Vegas, Phoenix. Yes. Denver even. Then you go the other way.

You go to Dublin, Paris, London. You got a lot of those. And then like, by the way, fucking Florida is no quick. That's three hours. Dallas is three hours. You know what I mean? There's a lot of like three, four, five, six hour flights. Right.

You forget though. You go to Dayton. It's two hours around half. You're like, oh, that's nice. I'm going to Syracuse this week. Well, I'll just go back from Syracuse. What's that? That's like negative five minutes.

20 minute flight. The most of it's taxiing. I hate a taxiing. Hate a taxiing. Hate a ride to the airport. Hate a ride home from the airport. That's what I would want in my rider. No pun.

Is like, I always say, they always say, hey, you know, when they're trying to be nice, like we'll give you a car to the airport. We'll pick up from the airport. You really want to be nice. Pick me up from JFK when I land back in New York. That would help me out. Yes. That's when you're like, oh, I got to do this now.

I forgot. Just pick me up there. That would help me. And some people listening in the middle of the country and elsewhere, you may not understand this aspect. When we land in JFK or LaGuardia sometimes, the line for calves is like 40 minutes long. Crazy. I'm talking 40 minutes.

Yeah. There's 500 people in line. Literally. I mean, it's just like we like one of those bank things, but like just long. You fly all the way back. You get the whole thing. You got a horseshoe in your ass. And all of a sudden you're at a 45, 30 minute line at JFK.

Brutal. You think you're home, but you're not even close. And then you get the car. And that's an hour ride. Right. It's from the time you touch down to the time you're in your house is sometimes two hours. Exactly. The city sucks.

Sucks. But I don't know how else they could do it. But what are you going to do? So I got the big long six hour flight. Where you, you doze, you watch three movies. You jerk off. You fart. You shart.

You hang out. You talk to the guy next to you and you're like, all right. I mean, it's probably been at least five. And then you look, I'd go to my map and it says duration three and a half out. You're like, God damn. I did my taxes. I've called my aunt. I clip my toenails.

I shaved my asshole hair. And I'm still out. I hate it. Yeah. You're in the Berkshires. You're like, come on. Yes. Yeah.

They show you where you are. So that, that's a kick in the dick. But hey, what can you do? So I get there Friday and I'm a big gym guy. I'm not, I'm not a gym rat. I'm not a workout cunt, but I like the regular. I like to stay regular. I like to work out twice a week just to stay reg.

Yeah. So sometimes these trips, they fuck with your sketch. Of course. So I go, fuck it. I'm taking ownership back 40 acres of a mule. I'm going to the gym right when I landed San Francisco. How do you like that? I like it.

Cause you gain three hours, which is magic. Yeah. That's nice. Flying west is better than flying east. That's for sure. Yeah. You get that time back. So you go, hey, I've gained three hours.

I left the house at 10 a.m. I'm landing at 1 p.m. Or something like that. It was great. I got the whole day. Hey, hey folks. I used to not sleep well, but now I do. Thanks to Casper mattress.

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Don't kill yourself. We love you. Hang on. So I check in at the Kensington Park Hotel, which is a real dive. What? They beat you to a dive. Well, that's the thing about San Fran Cluster Dick is they don't put you up. They give you a nice, fat check, but they go, you got to fly out and put yourself up.

Weird. Yeah. So you kind of go, well, the check's so good. So I go, oh, well, you're not going to put me up. And I'm going to really pinch a penny here. So hotels tonight at up. So I get this real dive. Now this kid, Jason, is doing a documentary on me.

Oh, yeah. It's been going on since 1987. I think we're four or six years in now. He's got some great footage. He's got Colbert. He's got Oddball. He's got this. He's got Conan.

He's going to be quite a document. It's going to be a doc of every fucking looks at the goddamn footage. You hear me, cats? Suck my doc. He's a nice kid. He's a comedy fan. He's been following. He's just piling up, piling up footage.

So maybe if I get hit by a car or get AIDS, he'll have some like a good little memory of me. Yeah. So he's in my room already. We're staying. We're sharing a room. What? Yeah.

I'm just sucking it up because I'm like, it'll be good for the footage. All right. You're a strange bird. I know. I'm sacrificing comfort for footage. I guess. But can't you call it when you wake up? Sharing a room.

I don't want to share a room with my fucking dad. Well, you got to, I don't want to share a room either, but he's flying out on his own dime and he's putting himself up. So we split the room. All right. Yeah. I just, I feel bad. Like he's like, I'm shooting you.

I got to fly out to Santa. He's already in the whole 800 bucks. I'd shoot myself. I had a roommate. Well, we are going to shoot up later. So he's in the room. I say hi to him. He's a real chatty Cathy.

He likes to really cut loose and tell stories. So I go, I'm going to the gym. I go to the gym. Now I go down to the front desk. There's usually around the hotel. There's usually a planet fitness, a 24 hour fit. LA fitness. Thank you.

So I go up to one. I go to the front desk and go, what's your nearest gym? My good man. He goes, there is an active gym around the corner. They take walk-ups. He's Chinese. His name is walk-up. Yeah.

So I go, all right. Thank you. I go to this place active. It's a real shitty gym. And I go up to the late and I go, day pass please. She says $30. I go $30. For one day?

For one day. That's an expensive city. I pay 80 for the year in New York. That's a cheap gym. That's a garbage gym. Wow. It's a rec center. It's a lot of old men working out their sack.

Now let me interject. Please. Now it's 30 bucks and you like to pinch a penny. Yeah. Why no prison workout? I have the time in the gym. I do a lot of just burpees in the room. I'm jumping on the bed.

I'm doing push-ups. I'm doing elevated push-ups. You throw your feet up on the chair. You do a little prison style. Save a few bucks. I don't mind prison style. I've been raped. But I just have my set sketch and I've been going up in weight.

You know, you start bench pressing and you're like, oh, I'm at this much now. I want to keep pushing, keep pushing. So I feel like if I do some prison style, I'll lose that because muscle goes away so quick. It goes away quick. But I mean, just if I may interject again. Please. And save you some pennies.

You got a backpack, right? You own a backpack? Yeah. Well, you throw a couple of Bibles and then you do push-ups with a backpack on. Oh. You're raising your weight. Seems too religious. And then you elevate your feet even higher.

You stuff a pillow in there. You know, you get Tom or the documentary guy. Have him sit on your shoulders like Yoda. Maybe. He's a big guy. But I don't know. Bibles. What am I?

Jehovah's Witness? Stuff for camera in your head. What are you going to do? All right. But I like to know the exact. No. It's, you know, you got your Fitbit. You're walking around like Moses.

I got no Fitbit. You got your phone. Oh, I see. I just don't want to misrepresent myself. People are going to think I'm a Fitbit guy. I'm cool. Another one with a Fitbit. There's something wrong with it.

All right. It's a deal breaker. What? Like the teeth. So you like to know how many steps you had? I like to know how many pounds I lift. Oh, yeah. Well, that's just fun.

Yeah. But I hear you. All right. So I go to the active and the lady goes 30. And she went, oh, on the way in, this little Asian guy's fighting with the lady behind the desk. And he goes, you should be nicer to people. You should be nicer.

And he leaves. I was like, oh, shit. So I go, I'm going to be the nice guy because she's obviously coming off a hot argument. So I go up and I go, hello, my lady. She says 30 bucks. I go, good golly. Let me walk around a little so I hit gyms near me in maps. Fun.

And I'm walking around. I'm walking around. I see a JW Marriott. Oh, those are nice. Those are nice. So I go to the gym. We worked out in one in Austin. You got that right.

I was hoping to remember. Louis Torp. Yeah. Love you, Louis. Louis. They deserved it. Lucky Louis. Not true.

So I go to JW Marriott and I go, all right, I've had some finagles in my day. I'm just going to work my way into the gym. Fuck 30 bucks. I'm going in a free gym. And this is where white privilege kicks in. I walk into the JW Marriott. I'm wearing basketball shorts, a clan hood, and a choker. And I go in.

The guy goes, good evening, sir. I walk in. He opens the door. I go straight to the gym. And it's locked, of course. The gym's locked. Oh, you're the key. Yes, yes.

So I'm waving my Kensington Park hotel key, you know, just to be like, oh, my key's not working. Good move. And this lady's walking by who works there. And I go, oh, an act all annoyed. Ma'am, I'm paying good money, sir. How can you open the door? And she's like, oh, OK, let me help you all.

And she goes, I don't have my key on me. She's like a maid or something. So she goes, let me get security. That's exactly who I don't want to see right now. Oh, boy. I'm trying to finagle. I'm trying to cheat and swindle. And she's getting security.

Yeah, you can't swindle with a security. No. So she's like, stay right here. I'm going to get security. So I go, fuck. I can't have security come up because they're going to go, let me see your key and all that. Yeah. And so I just bolt.

And I get out of there. Hussein. Yes. So I get the hell out of there. And I go to Active again. And I go, all right, here's the 30 bucks. And I go in and the gym is so shitty that I will not pay it. They don't have anything that I need.

Oh. So I go back out after five minutes of walking around in there and I go, hey, look, it's gang fest. I can't, I can't work out in here. And she goes, well, that's it. Payment's final. I was in there for three minutes. She's crazy.

Cooke. Gee whiz. And she goes, nah, I'm sorry. You're going to have to speak to the manager. I go, let me talk to the manager. Bring a manager out. And this is all Allen in my head. Like, you know, everything in my head.

Cause when you don't, when you're not able to work out, you, you don't want to work out anyway. So you're kind of in your head. You're going, well, I guess you can't work out. You got, you lucked out a little bit. I feel that way. I've gone to the gym and I don't have my, oh, I have jeans and I'm like, terrific. Yes.

What am I going to do? Cut them off. Exactly. You tried. Yeah, I tried. Steam room. So I go, ah, let me bring the, bring the manager out here. And she goes, she holds up a landline and there's a button lit up.

The phones are lit up. She goes, she's on the phone. And I go, well, I'll wait. So I wait there and I, and I got a push on it. I'm huffing and puffing at the front desk. And I go, is she ready now? And she goes, holds up the phone again. Light.

Hold the phone. Yes. So I go, all right. I'll be here. And I'm really trying to annoy her just with my breathing. Yeah. And I'm like, ah, you're like Abe froman. Yes.

Sausage King of Chicago. So finally the phone, the light goes away and I go, ah, call that bitch. I'm not moving. So the lady comes up and I got this whole argue in my head. Like, all right, I'm going to really give it to her. Here we go. And this lady comes up. She goes, what's the problem?

I go, I'll tell you what the problem is. I paid my money. I went in there for three minutes. You got no machines. This chicks to twat. I want my money back. And she goes, oh yeah. Here you go.

That was it. Yeah. You get the manager. The manager always just wants you out. Exactly. Customers always right. And the manager can do anything. Anything.

She can just blow you and go, there you go. That's for joining. Right. There's no refunds thing. Like, I didn't see any signs there. Like, I think the woman just made that up. She was like, oh yeah, there's no refund. What are you crazy?

Yeah. I was in there three minutes. Well, she's trying to protect her. She doesn't want to get in trouble. I guess so. What are you doing? Bethany, you can't just give out money to people. Right.

But the manager can and will. So now I get my 30 bones back. And now I'm back on the street. No workout. Huffing and po- I've lost 45 minutes an hour. Just all this walking around and finagling. Yeah, you could have done crunches with bibles. You're right.

I could have done a karan crunch. Crunches with bibles. So then I go, let me try one more thing. And I Google gyms again. And it says there's an equinox. Those are good. Those are good. But you ever seen the facilities over there?

Good lord. Huge facility. Huge. It's like a space station in there. It's all futuristic. There's stones and driblings of water and crazy music. It's very, it's like a space station. And you got Lewis Gomez in there shouting people.

Well, I don't know how they let him sign up. But so I go into equinox and immediately you get an equinox and it's like, ha la la la. Everything changes. It's a special place. Yeah. It's very harmonious and like, it's like a zen garden. Yeah.

It feels like, what's that show? Going, going, gone. Going, gone. Gone, baby gone. Wild, wild, wild country. Wild, wild country. It's like that facility. Yes.

You go in there and there's a guy floating. Right. And a woman fucking. There's a pair of tits and a steam room and a smoothie. Bob a good news. What was that guy's name? I didn't care for that guy. The head guy.

Bob O'Reilly. What was his name? Babdish. Babadook. The Babadook. The Babadook. I didn't care for that film, by the way. They got good reviews.

Yeah. Great reviews. I didn't care for it. Babadick. Bagdash. Bombs over Bagdash. Yeah. Something like that.

Bagdash. I wouldn't know if he walked in here. Colin. So he would, he had nothing, by the way. I could have done that job. He was a cock smooching fucking loser. He would get it. He was a huckster.

I'd like to see in that woman's tits though. A Sheila. Sheila. Yeah. She laid them out. Yeah. So I go to Equinox and immediately you get in and there's an elevator to go up to the gym floor and you're in, I'm in the elevator with eight, seven foot nine blonde guys with

beautiful hair and ripped and like perfect workout gear. Look what I'm wearing. This is what I was wearing in San Francisco. Just tall, not lanky. Not lanky and sturdy and strapping. Yeah. Oh, they were strapping. Strapping young men.

Strap on. I'd like to strap on. Shove to my ass. Eat my own gum. Yes. So we go up and we get in and now they're all, there's a big line at the front desk and you can see the people behind the front desk like shucking and juggling. They're fumbling because they have so many people coming in.

So I go, you know what, I'll take a risk. And I just grab a towel, throw it on my shoulder and just walk past the front desk. Nice. I got into the whole workout. Never paid a dime. Wow. It all worked out. Like Equinoxes.

Yes. Well, that was a stretch. Kevin Knox. So I did a whole workout. So I went from active, the worst gym in California to Equinox, one of the highest gyms in the city and didn't pay a dime. Nice. Well, it all's well that ends well.

Yeah. Stealing is revealing. All's well that ends well. All right. Swole. Up swole now. Yeah. I don't care for that term either.

No. So this is why it's nice to be rich. This is why you want to be rich because you feel like you don't want to be, we've talked about this before too, I think, you don't want to be motivated by money and yada, yada. We were talking about this where Sarah went to like some grocery store up wherever. And then everyone's mean and there's a long line. Everyone's fighting. And like, this is why it's nice to be just rich and you just go to the place where everyone's

naive. Everyone's like, welcome. Come on in. Like Equinox. I've gone in there to piss or I've gone with Lewis a couple of times to go see everything. Everyone's like, hello. Come on in. Mr. Gomez.

I'm in. Here's extra towel. They have big, thick cushy towels. And they're like, it's nice to be rich. Nice to be rich. And when you're rich, you calm the fuck down. There's no crime with rich people because they don't need to cause crime. There's not as much anger.

I mean, I shouldn't say there's no crime. But they have big crimes. It's Bernie made off. White collar crimes. Yeah. Yeah. Manafort. Trump.

But yeah, you go to these nice neighborhoods and you go, wow. How can I live like this? Just need money. And once you have money, everybody relaxes. There's less anger. There's less fighting. Cause everybody's happier. Yeah.

It shouldn't be that way. But it is. And so you're like, oh, it wouldn't mind being rich. Yeah. That's why rich people, I feel like we shit on rich people go. Rich prick, selfish, not paying his fair share. But like, I don't know. Most rich people I know busted their ass and they work pretty hard and they're very nice

and pleasant. Yeah. A lot of them are. Yeah. Like you go to first class, everybody's reading. They're all quiet. They got headphones in. But you know, you go into coach and there's a, it's like a zoo in Bombay.

Yeah. It's a Bombay zoo. It's a bazaar. Ah, that is bazaar. You know, there's a cage with chickens in it. There's some lady with her feet up and a guy shaving his back. It's a whole thing. Yeah.

So cluster fest, unbelievable. You know, it's a new fest, you know, there's a lot of bad comedy festivals out there. But it's a couple good with Montreal is great. That's the best one. That's the, that's the king. Then moon tower is awesome. Moon tower I love. We love.

Thank you. Rishi. That's a good one. So you're always weary of a fest because when you go to a fest, you got to realize you're going to get drunk. You're going to try to chase some skirt and you're going to do some iffy shows. You're not going to get any work done. You're going to sleep in.

You're going to eat with a few comics and that's it. By the way, I'll be at Vodafone festival in Dublin. That's a good one. I love that one. That's a real good one. They pay quite handsomely. Yes. So.

So you go to SF. Go to SF. It's a civic center, which is kind of like the courthouse-y kind of building. Yeah. It's a weird, it's hard to describe. It's basically this big office building with a giant arena in the middle of it. So the office buildings are all just sustaining the arena, like the ticket sales, the advertising, the whole thing.

It's four floors. Now you're walking around this office building and you're like, it looks like diehard. You know, you're like, there's cubicles there, there's a hallway here, there's fluorescent lights. And I was walking by and I just opened the door. I was like, what does this go to? And I'm in the arena. What?

It was the weirdest thing. It felt like that scene in Men in Black where he opens the locker and he looks in and there's just a million little creatures in there and that's their own city. Yeah. That's what it looked like. And Milani's on stage. Wow. I was like, what the fuck is going on here?

Oh, no one told me this door would lead to that. It was 8,000 people sitting there and I'm on the top floor of an arena just looking down at John Milani. It was wild. It was bananas. Because I did a show in an office for like a conference room and I was like, that was okay. There was like 30 people in there.

That was fun. Whatever. Is this the fest? Okay. And we were looking for catering and I opened a door and boom, it's Milani. Wow. Banana. I opened for Milani App Bananas.

Is that right? Yeah. Years ago. Jersey? Yeah. Wow. Way back in the day. I told you it was Liz Mealy, me and John Milani.

Wow. The whole show was the same age. We were all 28 years old. Look at that. Or whatever we were. What was it? Probably 2008. Yeah.

2008. Look at that. I guess we were 26. I guess we were 25, 26 years old. Wow. And how was he good then? Or were you like? He was killer.

He was killer. That's what he was doing. The whole pirate joke. The pirate's never big enough. Big enough chest. Love it. Because their one eye gives the fucks of their depth perception. Yes.

I used to love that joke. They had the movie, the big blockbuster movie that cost $100 million. He's like, you can just show me $100 million. Yes. I pay to see that. Which I thought, I had this moment in France, Paris. I was like, I would have just written that joke. You ever have those moments?

Yeah. We were like, I would have just written that bit, but it already exists. We were looking at the Mona Lisa. Uh-huh. The Mona Lisa's worth $800 million. And I was like, I'd rather see $800 million than see the Mona Lisa. That's the bit. And I was like, that's the same bit.

Yeah. Well, how crazy that he's thinking of that bit at 25. Well, I mean, I don't, he just had a moment that works better. All right. All right. I don't, I mean, I don't look at his like, oh my God. I had to age into thinking of that. My brain immediately goes to everybody's better.

You suck. Kill yourself. Yeah. I mean, if I was 25 and I went to the Mona Lisa and someone was like, it's worth $800 million, I would have had that thought. Oh, you would have. Yeah. All right.

Well, hey, you're back. Yeah. I wasn't. All right. So I watched Malaney. Malaney's great. And Malaney's doing new. I watched his hour a week ago.

Now he's doing new shit. He's really something special. And he works it out in front of 8,000 people. It's really something. Yeah. Most people can't pull that off, it seems. He pulls it, man. I don't know if I should be doing his stuff.

But he walked out and he goes, ah, San Francisco. It's blazing hot, but cold to the bone. That gets a huge laugh. Because it's true because it's hot there, but then somehow you're cold. It's very cold in San Francisco. It's like sunny, but you're cold. It's a great observation. Then he goes, the state flag, or not state flag, the crest of San Francisco should be

a guy going back home to get his jacket. Ah! I mean, they're going nuts. Oh, that's fun. I mean, he's so good. And that's just jokes about the city he's in. And then he just goes on and he's got a suit on. He looks great.

He's killed it. And so I go, we got to go back stage. What are we doing? We're standing up on the 8,000th row here. So I'm with my manager. He goes, all right, we go backstage. And everybody's back there. It's like Nick Kroll and all these people.

And it was just a great time. So yeah, we saw Lonely Island. That was amazing. Then we go to the after party. It's just like Jim Jeffries is there chugging booze. And you know, my boy, Forrest Shaw. And it's all these people. And I hate to say it, but we got a little,

I feel like we're in there now. Forrest Shaw, you know Forrest Shaw? I love Forrest Shaw. I don't know Forrest Shaw, but you know what, dude? And Bobby's like, who's this Forrest Shaw? Did I fuck up? I was like, I never heard of the guy. Oh, he's a great egg.

Where's he from? I don't know. But he used to open for, like, Patrice. He opens for Jeffries now. He writes on Jim Jeffries' show. He opens for Bill Burr. Like, he's like a square. So he's been around a long time.

Square egg, yeah. Square. Square is bad. Square. Square jaw is good. Yeah. I wouldn't know. Yeah.

Square. I got a deal breaker jaw over here. Square pegging around hole. I don't know that's good either. Oh, is that bad too? I don't know if I've never heard of Forrest Whitaker. Shaw. Gump.

Shank redemption. Wow. Yeah, Bobby's like, who's this fucking guy? I got some weird guy coming on Forrest Shaw. And I was like, that's not a real person. You got ripped, buddy. Now he's a good egg. He's a big fat blonde guy.

He's really funny. No kidding. All right. Well, good to know. Yeah, he writes on everything. He's an out in LA, but he's done his fair share of his. So he's in LA comic. I don't know where he's from.

He lives in LA. He doesn't live here. No. OK. Because then I get worried that this is some guy. This happens sometimes. You're like, who are you? I never met you before.

You're like, I've lived in New York City for 25 years. You're like, oh, jeez. Yeah. You're like, who are you? Like, I'm your father. You're like, ah, shit. Sorry, dad. He's been knowing a great comic who lives in a different city.

Right, right. It's just embarrassing when you're like, this guy's like, I work at the cellar. And you're like, oh, shit. I had no idea. Yeah, he opened for me at the punchline last time I was there. And that's how he kind of got to know each other. And he was tough to follow.

Wow. Good comic. Yeah, all right. Good to know. And he's not one of these young new hip whippers. He's been around. He's not a hip whipper? He's not a hip whipper.

He's a whip-hipper. Whip it good. So we go to the after party. And it's great. And just have a great time. And we're in it now. It's not like we're like, who do I talk to? You know, parties.

I don't even want to be here. That's when you really made it. When you don't want to be at the after party. Yeah. I guess I made it a long time ago. Yeah, yeah. So I try not to drink too much. But of course I do.

We go back, me and my documentarian. We go back to the, it was like that Seinfeld scene where it's like, OK, if you don't mind, Jerry and I. We need to get to bed. Thank you. So we leave. He's filming me brushing my teeth. I'm in a nightie and tie heels and a sleep cap.

And you know, he's getting all this footage. He's got all access. All access. I'm showering in front of him. And he's doing my back, the whole thing. So you can't beat off here or what? Or is that his movement? No, I didn't beat off for three days.

Deleted scene. Yeah. It's just me with a blurry hand. Hey, folks. What's cooking good looking? Well, you know me. I was always a duffel bag guy, but I have been changed away. First class luggage at a coach price.

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Awaytravel.com slash Tuesdays. God love you away. Over and out. So the next day we go, well, we're in San Francisco. It's 10 in the morning. What should we do is we go to the pier. We see some fat sea lions.

Love the pier. Alcatraz, the seals, the wind. Pier one. Imports. So we go there. And we go to the Pier 23 Cafe, which is right on the water. We have a beer.

We're overlooking the tug boats, the steam boats, and the river boats. And watching, what is that? The bay? Yeah, I believe that's the bay. Yes. The battle of the bay. Bay of pigs.

Oh, that didn't go well. No, no. A lot of fat chicks. So now, we get back, because now you just want to get back to that compound. It's like a college campus of comedy. Yes.

And they really do it. It's all the Comedy Central shit. There's the Patti's Pub is there, which is the Sonny in Philadelphia place. Oh, right, right, right. Black hair, blue eyes. Then there's a South Park thing, where all the South Park characters are as big as you.

So you get to take photos with them. Then there's the Bluth stuff, there's the Frozen Banana stand, and the Bluth Stair car. Rest of development. Thank you. So there's everything. Mr. Window.

And there's just guys dressed in blue running around, like the blue man group out of the... Did you watch that show? The show? Arrested? Oh, no, no. Oh, there's a blue man. They make fun of the blue man group a lot.

So they're running around. So it's just comedy Disneyland. It's great. There's a Double Dare set up, where you can go in and jump through a big pie and shit. Wow. Mark Summers is there. It was a whole thing.

So they're giving out free beer all day. And I go, I'm sick of beer. I want some tequila. So I go into Michael Chey's dressing room, who's, you know, a hot item over there. He's an SNL star, the whole thing. So he knows me. I know Chey.

So I walk into Chey's room. I just start making cocktails. So Chey walks in. I'm making cocktails. And I got a documentarian filming me. He's like, what the fuck's going on in here? Wow. And I go, oh, sorry.

He goes, well, if you're making them, make me one. So I'm like, all right. So now me and Chey are drinking, and other people are cause Sam Chey's coming in. Joe Mandy's coming in. Ben Kissel comes in. We got a party in there. So then Chey goes, oh, shit.

I'm headlining the big civic auditorium. And I go, I think I'm opening for you. Oh, nice. This is 8,500 people. We walked 10 steps across the hall. Now we're in the auditorium. Wow. And I go on.

I do 10 minutes. I have the set of my life. Guy goes on after me. Struggles. All right. Don't want to say anything. And then Chey goes up and rips the roof off. And it was just like, ah, what a life.

He blown off and he ripped it off. He ripped it. Wow. Yeah, you're like a hymen and the wind. So yeah, it would be above the roof to rip it. Yes. Wow. So then I get a text, a mass text, mind you.

I've had about 18 tequila's. I just had the set of my life. I'm living high on the hog, wet dream, cloud nine. Schumer text, me with like eight other names. Fuck the after party. I rented out an Italian restaurant, supposedly the best in North Beach, which is there little Italy.

It's going to be a group of us. Come on down. That's exciting. So I go, all right. I already hit up catering 38 times. I'm fat. I'm drunk. And I'm gay.

I don't know if I need a meal. And Sam's going, what are you, crazy? That's a hang. Go for the hang. It's a hang. It's seafood. It's the best restaurant in the city. It's booze.

It's a hang. And I go, all right, we'll see how it is. So now me and Sam, it's like nighttime now. And me and Sam are, oh, I should say this. Schumer is doing the outdoor theater. Uh-huh. That's where they put all the big people. It's like Trevor Noah, John Stuart, Schumer, Lonely Island.

So we go, let's go meet Schumer. And we go backstage. Nikki Glaser, Feinstein, the husband, Bridget Everett. They're all back there watching Schumer. So I'm watching Schumer from behind, looking at like 20,000 people. Wow. Outdoor.

Wow. And she's ripping it up. She's telling jokes. And I'm like, oh my God, this is crazy. I can't believe it. We're all taking photos. We're cheers-ing. She comes off.

We all hugged. She goes, let's go to the restaurant. I go, ah. So now they all run off, because they're all girls and celebrities. So they run into a car, and they're all high-heeled and skippy. Like Dylan. Yes. So me and Sam are just standing there with our dicks in each other's mouths.

So I go, well, let's get an Uber. So we go out to where the street is. We got to get out of the whole complex. It's a little bit of a bitch. We get out. Now I've got a lift coming. That's eight minutes. It's nine minutes.

It's seven minutes. A big black SUV pulls up and goes, hey, douches, get in. It's Berkowitz. Wow. Biggest agent. Biggest comedy agent on the planet. He goes, get in. Love, Burke.

So Burke slides the door open. We jump in. Schuber's in the car. He's in the car. We got, we found, they just picked us up. So I cancel the lift. Now we're heading down to North Beach. It's beautiful.

Little Italy in San Francisco is so pretty. I mean, San Fran is pretty already, but the little Italy part. It's got the lights and the old buildings and the gaze. And we get there. We open the door. And there's a big fat guy with a mustache going, oh, that's Spanish. Opa. Opa's Greek.

Hello. Hey, there you go. Chow. That's something. I think that's a verb. I think it's Asian. Chow down. Chow, Maine.

Yeah, Chow's the guy at the fucking hotel you're staying in. Yeah, Chow. What are Italians? Sea, senior? They say, sea is in there. Opa. Hey, hey. Oh, you know, Boba Lee.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Baloney. Your mother's got to. Yeah. Baloney, maybe that's some of Linguini. I don't know. Fucking hey, yo. Hey, yo, forget about it.

All right, so we go and he's here. Isn't that Vane? Yes, Vane. And we get in and the music's playing. Oh, so Mario. Whatever it is. And then we go in and it's, uh, Bacalacapa, ba-ba-ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

I got the guy. What is this? I'm trying. I thought it was a next restaurant. It sounds like you're at Johnny Macaroni's. I'm trying at Spaghetti Eddies. I'm trying to do the, uh, the whole Italian theme. I know, but it just sounds like there's a fucking slide

and a guy with, like, a striped shirt and suspenders. Phil Hartman was there going, oh, that'd be spicy meat to ball. Yeah. So we get in there and there's a guy with a big pan and his flame's going. He's back there in the kitchen. You know, the open kitchen.

You got to see the kitchen. And we sit down and they go, what do you have? And we all go, whiskey, tequila. Sam was, like, Sam was a weak sober and he just cracked. He was like, give me a fucking whiskey. I hate all of you, you fucking kikes. So he goes in there and now they bring out the chafing dishes. Chafing.

Chafing. What the hell is that? Never heard of a chafing dish? No. That's, you know, those, uh, those silver pans with the, with the flame under it. They bring it like a buffet style. I thought that was a oire voie.

What do you call it? Or derv? Oh, derv. Oh, derv is like a deviled egg or an appetizer. I like a deviled dog. That's what I'm into. I'm like a devil woman. So now they pop on the chafing dish and it's shrimp, oyster,

linguine with clams, baklava, which is steamed cod. Oh, really? Fun fact. Yeah. And it's just all a squid, everything you could want. And I'm just loading up. So now I got a handful of scotch, a handful of oyster and a mouthful of pussy.

And I'm digging in. And Nicky Glazer, Feinstein, Bridget Everett, Kyle Mooney shows up, Chase shows up, Joe Bandy shows up, Theo Vaughn shows up. We got a hang of it. We're laughing and going gay. And everybody's smoking weed and drinking. And it was a great time.

And the music was playing. It was probably one of my best memories in my comedy career. Really? And you didn't want to go? I didn't want to go. Thank God Sam got me in a headlock and noogied me. And then Burke said, get in the car. Wow.

That is quite an evening. It's quite an evening. Now I'm tuned up. I've had 13 tequilas and 19 whiskies and four oysters. So I go, let's go to the after party. And I'm texting Hilary Robbie, my agent. She's like, don't come. It sucks.

I'm like, get out of the way, bitch. We're coming. And we get there. And there's like eight people on the sidewalk. And that was it. And then I went back home with my documentarian. So did he go to the dinner? No.

He wasn't allowed. Oh, yeah. I wouldn't think. But he was like, that's great footage. I'm like, hey, well, let's go to Hollywood. Celebrities don't want to be shot. Yeah, of course. Tell that to John Lennon.

Thank you. Nailed it. I was going to say John Lennon. Really? Well done. Well, same initials. I got to piss so bad. All right.

We got time. We got to fill some time. We could do. We could walk with it. No, I won't be able to piss with us talking. I'll pee first. That's not going to help me. What does that mean?

Because it'll get my juices of flow and yours of flow. It's like a yawn. He's just very yawning. That doesn't work for me. I need dead silence. I got to stare at one particular tile. I don't want to tell you which one because it'll fuck it up. I got to look at a tile for 10 minutes straight.

I got to squeeze my ball sack and thumb my ass. Well, I can do one of those. Well, I need two hands. You can't hold the mic. Put the mic in your armpit. Thank you. It's like some kind of phobia. Well, that sounds like a hell of a tile.

I got to put in for this festival next week. I got to make it happen. I never want to miss it. It was that good. Wow. And the whole city of San Francisco came out. What's it called? Cluster Fest.

Oh, Cluster Fest. I've heard of that. And the whole time you go, this is a real cluster fuck. Oh. And it's Comedy Central, huh? They do the whole thing. And you realize their group is solid. It's like Schuber and Trevor Noah, John Stewart and Jim Jeffries.

They got good people. Well, they were king for a while. They were king, baby. But now it feels like they're struggling a little bit. Yeah. We need to come back. They do. Well, I mean, that's on them.

It's Cable. Cable has a ceiling. Ceiling. Yeah, yeah. Netflix has disguised the anal. I feel like with a CC, they've hit a wall. But if you just had one of these shows on their show, but people, Netflix can just throw money at them, I guess.

Exactly. Billions of dollars. They need the ads. They need the demo. They need, we need ages 19 to 28 to jizz on our sandwich or we're fucked. Yeah. By the way, check out The Break on Netflix. Oh, yeah.

I think three episodes out now. Greg Stone writes for it. Anthony DeVito writes for it. Dan Saint-Germain. It's Michelle Wolfe. Dan Saint-Germain. Oh, yeah. He emailed us about doing the pub.

We don't really have guests. You know what we should do? We're gonna be with him and splice it in. That's a good idea. Or just plug. What is it? A book or an album? I think it's an album.

Let me find it. You kill time for a second. I'm gonna find it and I'll plug the hell out of it. All right. I got a shit now. All this piss and tile talking and ball squeezing talk. I got to take a big old Chipotle dump. We went to Chipotle and we both swiped it up pretty good.

Joe got screwed. You got to see, you get the burrito now and they rolled you right into a little, it was like a pig in a blank. Yeah. Stuck. You know what I'm saying? This is the best location. Yeah.

I don't want to say which location it is because I don't want people to get the word out. No, no. And then I went in and they loaded me up for bear. Yeah. I'm not sure what that means. They load you up for a big gay man. I don't know. Put away wet something.

August 10th. Dan Saint-Germain has an album coming out. None of you guys know Dan Saint-Germain. He writes for every fucking show. Funny guy. Funny guy. August 10th. Check out his album.

Yeah. It's a ways away. Did he give you a title? No, no title. And by the way, August 10th. It's two months away. Yeah. You can't remember that shit.

Give it a Google, folks. But we'll have them. We'll do a bonus or a queef or we'll blow them something. Yeah. Maybe I'll see them tonight. Oh, now I got a shit so bad I can't even think. I got to do. You got to be pissed before you shit.

Oh, God. I'm dying. Damn it. Hold on. Let me put a cork in this because this is really trying to get out of me. I got a cork in there, but it'll fill you up with urine. That could help clean the walls a little. I had something I wanted to talk about.

I can't remember what it was. It was yesterday. What the hell did I do last night? Yeah. Damn. What did I do? I did the bonfire. Oh, Robert Kelly was filling in for Big J. Oakerson who's shooting his half hour.

One big for another. Despicable. What are they called? The fucking despicable me. No. They're called. What's the half hour called? The deplorables.

The deplorables. Oh, is that what it is? Yeah. I don't know. Not the deplorables, though. The generates. Maybe it's the generates. It might be the generates.

I made that up. Well, I think they did. I think it's the degenerates. Ellen degenerates. I think it's that. But it's Big J and Lisa and that whole gang. And Christina Pizinski and Joey Diaz and Yamanica. And Yamanica, yes.

And Brad Williams. Oh, the little guy. Yeah. Does he count as a minority? He should. Oh, I think so. I mean, it's tough to say. The straight white male smear is so gross now that.

No, he's a little prick because he's been held back. He's been held down by God. Yeah. What do you call that? Midget. No, no. Well, you've been whatever. He doesn't have privilege.

Oppressed. He's been oppressed, I think. Because he's little. He was oppressed towards the earth. He's very oppressive. But anyways, they're all shooting that. So Robert Kelly filled in for Big J. And then we had me and Lewis Jay come on.

So it was like, you know what, dude? Glory Day reunion. Ah, Glory Day reunion. And it was hot, folks. If you don't have serious, get serious. Or if you do have it, go on demand. You can go watch it. Listen to it on demand.

The bonfire. Listen to it every week. I have some nerd put that shit on YouTube. I'm sure someone will, but it's from 68. By the way, speaking of nerds in YouTube, yesterday was the four-year recording. We recorded a few days ago. It was the four-year anniversary of when I did Letterman.

Oh! And I tweeted out because I'm just trying to get some, plug some shows. Some buzz. So I said, boy, I did this. And then some guy was like, why don't you tweet at this guy? This guy has all the Lettermans. What?

There's some comedy nerd guy out here. He pulled it up. He's like, I'll have it up by the end of the day. Whoa! I was like, you can't find any of these on YouTube. He's like, I got them all. And he's like a historian. What?

It's back on YouTube. How cool is that? I got to put it on my website. Hopefully it's on my website. I'll do it tonight. So by the time you're hearing this, my Letterman set, which changed my whole life, was the biggest moment of my life.

I remember when you got the set. You got the word. I was there. You were blind. The Deaf Show at Caroline's. Deaf Comedy Jam. Yeah, we were doing it. That's how long ago it was.

No, we were doing some Deaf Show where they signed the thing. Yeah, yeah. And I went on after you. And I was like, I got Letterman. It was so exciting. We were in passing and you were like, I got Letterman. I was like, what the fuck? It was so exciting.

And that was back when we had nothing. We didn't have a mouth to feed and you had Letterman. Yeah, it was very exciting. It was quite a thrill. And there's an episode. I mean, we were doing the podcast at that point. So there's an episode you can go listen to. Dr. Paula was there.

Gary Gullman was there. Sarah was there. She cried. That's the moment. I was like, I got to marry this woman now, I guess. Right. It was quite a thrill. And Dave and Paul Schaefer and Bill Schiff.

I love the whole gang. So now it's back on YouTube. I haven't watched it. I got to go watch it. What music did you get going out there? I had Down by Pearl Jam, which they play any song. You just send them a song. They learn it.

How cool is that? It was so cool. And my favorite Pearl Jam song. Speaking of Pearl Jam, they're playing Safeco Field in Seattle, August 8th and 10th. And if you're a Pearl Jam guy, tell all your friends, you Pearl Jam people, August 9th, the Thursday, in between shows.

I'll be at Bellevue at Parler Live. How perfect is that? You're right there in the Pearl Jam sandwich. Well, my agent is unbelievable. So he made it work. So August 9th, big show, Bellevue, and we'll go Pearl Jam Wednesday, Joe Lister's Day, Pearl Jam Friday.

Wow. And then we'll all fuck on Saturday. Can I give your agent a plug or a shout out or a quick squib? Please. This guy, Tommy? Yes. But if you're a comic, don't hit him up.

He's full. Yeah, yeah. I don't want to work on anyone else. He's a go-getter. So he's a fan of the show since day one, by the way. Fan of the show. Very nice. Very nice to me and really helping me out.

And he was helping me at the fest, because I don't know where I'm going. I'm a mere comic. I'm lost. I'm confused. I'm inadequate. And he's like, oh, you got to go here. You got to go here.

And I go, what should we do now? He goes, let's go watch Lonely Island. And I go, all right. So now I'm standing in the back of 10,000 people. He goes, no, no. You're a comic. Come on. And I follow him.

He gets us backstage. And the lady goes, we're at capacity. And he goes, this guy's on the show. He's an artist. He's a performer. She goes, we're at capacity. And he goes, he's on the show. And they go, oh, sorry.

And he gets us all in. Boy, he's good. Well, he came up under Burke. He's like Burke's right-hand guy. And so he's like the new Berkowitz. Right. This guy, he's punching and kicking. And he knows what he's doing.

He's showing up in an SUV and picking us up. Exactly. He's got balls. He's got moxie. He's got it. Yeah. He's got it, baby. And he's as sweet as can be.

And it's the hell of a guy. And doing a great job. My calendar is full. And if you want to see more about my calendar, go to comedianjoelisk.com. And for God's sakes, come to some shows. You've got to come out to these shows, folks, because it really helps, because it makes a difference.

And it allows us to continue to get booked, hit some bonuses. And it's good for you. You get out. You get laid. In fact, tomorrow, I'm at Fort Collins fucking Aggie Theater. Aggie. And then Denver Comedy Works all week.

And one of the best clubs. It's a dream come true. I've always wanted to work at this club. I'm so excited. Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Come twice if you can. I mean, get weird. I'll mix it up for you.

We're a condom. And then Providence Comedy Connection July 19, 2021. Canner and I were doing our apartment show again. The Sunday, the 22nd. We've got Chris DiStefano's booked. Sarah will be there. Canner, myself, maybe Ari, who knows. So hit me up for that one.

The apartment show on Sunday, July 22nd. Right after that Providence weekend, August 9th, Bellevue. What's it called? Parler. Parler Live, also in August. I'm doing hyenas. Woo!

And what else? It's going to be, it's a fun stuff. ComedienneJullist.com. Go check it out. Please come to some shows and hit that Patreon. We've got some of the best episodes ever. Oh, baby. I want to record another bonus.

Yeah. One just came out. Yeah, there's a half hour bonus. Mark and I are taking questions from you guys. We're going to answer some more questions and fuck around a little bit. We're both at the shit right now. Yeah.

Mark, where are you going to be, buddy? I'm going to be all over creation. I'm nipping at your heels a little bit. I'm at hyenas in, what is that, Dallas? That's Dallas. Yeah. I'm in hyenas. I'm in Portland, Oregon at the Helium.

I love that club. I love that city. Salt Lake City. I'm at this weekend at Wise Guys. I love that room, too. Not much to do in that town, so come on out. Levity Live, Westniac. Please come.

That's a fucking airplane hanger of a room. Then I'm going to Italy. Then I'm going to the DC Draft House, folks. Heart of District of Columbia, our nation's capital. Then I'm at the old Funny Bone Hartford, One-Eyed Jacks in New Orleans, Funny Bone Omaha. What else you got?

What else you got? Sidesplitters in Tampa, Gotham Comedy Club in Manhattan. Or Personhattan, if you want to be a PC. Stress Factory in New Jersey. Uncle Vinny's in New Jersey. New Jersey twice in a row is probably a bad idea. I'm going to run that thing. Winnipeg, Rumors and Skyline Comedy Club in Appleton

and Pittsburgh Improv. We got a lot of dates. There's no reason not to come out. See some live comedy. Support it. There's a lot of shit out there. Come see some of the good guys who are writing and working on their acts.

Yeah, and blow your mother, eat out your father, and hit the Patreon for God's sake. And there's merch out there. If you want to show up and then support and wear that merch, the Tuesday shirt, go to merchpump.com slash Tuesday. And as usual, yell at Chipotle, because they're always, we need those black cards.

One of our fans just got a job at Chipotle and she's like, my whole goal is to get you guys black cards. You say she? She. There's a guy we know, too. Maybe it was a guy with a gender neutral name. This is a new one.

I guess the tweet was yesterday. Oh, wow. So I think it was a lady. A lot of people get into Chipotle jobs out there. I think it's a good gig if you get dental and you get corn. I can't imagine you get dental, but whatever. Maybe guac. Yeah, and keep the gift cards coming.

I mean, I've eaten for free all week. We really appreciate it. It helps a lot. It really does help. It does help. Thanks so much, guys. MarkNorman.com and... Praise Allah.

Yeah, your asshole. See you in hell. Bye. I got a piss. Go Pete. Oh my God, I'm lippin'. Go back, Joe.