Tuesdays with Stories! - #250 Big Purple Ball

Episode Date: June 19, 2018

It's a piping hot Tuesday's (literally, it's 90 degrees out) as Joe heads to Denver with Sarah Tollemache and gets get kicked out of a Ryan Adams sound check and Mark learns the hard way that staying up all night drinking & taking a lot of dramamine only leads to more stealing from the airport. Check it out! Subscribe to our Patreon for new bonus eps featuring Ron Bennington, Chris Distefano, Nikki Glaser, and Yannas Pappas. Plus, a new bonus vid with Joe, Robert Kelly & Ari Shaffir! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download Go on iTunes and give the pod a #5StarLunch review!

This is a Stand Up New York Labs production, providing you podcasts since 2013. Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard.

And then the duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock! Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody.

No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. Now it's going. There it is. We're going, folks. We're live from Mark's apartment. That's right, folks. We got a new studio.

It's right here in Mark's... Asshole. Yes! Big echo. Big asshole. Hot as an asshole in here. Oh, yeah. But then next week we'll be back in the studio.

That's right. For the first time since the Reagan administration. I know. Reaganomics. I'm nervous. I don't know if they're going to remember us over there. Something D.O.O. economics. Voodoo economics.

Boy, it is hot, hot, hot out there. Oppressively hot. Can you say oppressively hot still? Probably not. No, you got to say hot privileged. It is brutal out there, folks. But I'll tell you, your neighborhood. You live in the Greenwich Village.

Yes. And it's a gay neighborhood that you live in. So I think the women are very comfortable here. Yes. Because I'm seeing dits and assholes and pussy flaps just everywhere. It's amazing. I was thinking about this the other day and tell me what you think of this there, Faddy. You know I will.

The ladies, they're covered up all winter and whatever. And it's coats and pants and beanies. And long johns. Long johns. Tights. Yeah. And then they come out at night or they come out during the day with these legs are showing the thigh, the cleavage, the shoulders, the back, the neck.

Oh my God, drives me crazy. And oh shit, I forgot my point. Hold on. Well, they were bundled up for the winter. Now it's summer. Oh fuck. Now they're out there. They're loving it.

They're loose as a goose. There it is. Okay. You know how you're talking to a girl and you're okay looking guy. Me? Well, just a man in general. Okay. Yeah.

Let's do someone else. And you go, hey, I'm a doctor. And they go, ooh. And then you go, hey, I got to take care of my sweet grandmother. And they go, ooh. And you go, and I volunteer at the soup kitchen. And they go, oh, and you get hotter and hotter and hotter. Women get hotter and hotter and hotter.

The more skin they're showing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. It's the same thing. But men and women obviously see attractiveness differently. But like, I saw this one girl, because I see a lot of the same people in this block.

Yeah. It's a neighborhood. Yeah. And I saw this one girl and she had like a button down. Ah, decent looking lady. And then I saw her two days later. She had a tube top on and high heels and short shorts. I was like, she's a fucking smoke show.

Well, same woman. Yeah. Because it was mysterious earlier. You could be like, she kind of a dead foot and a cleft palate and a weird pussy. C-section scar. Of course. Yeah. That I like.

But it's similar though. It can be reversed too. I'm a woman and she's like, you know, I'm a virgin and I blew my dad. That's a good point. And I work at a supermarket. It gets hotter and hotter. Yeah. Oh, check out.

I'll check her out. But yeah, I think, and then also if we got shirtless and shirtless, like if you were wearing a hoodie and a pair of sweatpants, because clothes is big to a woman, I'm finding out. That's true. Yes. But it's very difficult to dress nice when I'm on the road. So because you've got to iron and you've got to wear a long sleeve. But I know women, my lady, all these women, they want you to dress nice.

Especially Fuqua. He doesn't look attractive. He's just wearing nice suits. I guess the clothes make the man, they say. The shoes made the man. I think it's the shoes make the man. I think the shoe fits. Keep it.

Something like that. If the shit fits, wear it. Shoes wearing shit. I guess I am if you check my panties. Boy, you ever see a lady's underwear, the insides? It's quite a show. It looks like somebody, you know, loogie'd in there. It looks like a Jackson Pollock at the end of a hot winter.

Yeah. Well, I had to talk with my gal about this. Tell me what you think about this there, Chachi. Joe. Thank you. So gay guys dressed in the nines are well-groomed. They've got quaff, tear. They've got a little bit of stubble.

They've got a button down with a vest and all this shit. You're describing yourself. What? I don't wear a vest. All right. Everything with the vest. They go all out with the outfits. They're actually in style.

Yes. We were wearing t-shirt. We were jeans. We were sneakers. Yeah. So I was talking to the lady. I was like, so every guy is dressed better than every straight guy, generally speaking. Every gay.

Majority. Than every gay guy, sorry. So wouldn't every gay guy be better looking? And she was like, they are better looking, but this is how women think. The fact that you didn't try that hard makes you hotter. Interesting. So that makes you straighter, which makes you more hetero, which automatically makes you hotter. And sometimes you have your own style.

Yes. That's true. So wearing jeans and a t-shirt and new ballots becomes a style after a while. Because you're just like, yeah, this is what I do. It's my thing. And they go, oh, all right. It is that. Also, a lot of women are aggressively turned off by men fucking each other in the buttholes.

It's a good point. Yeah. Some are turned on by it. That's a minority. Yeah. But some are, I have a bit about it. But it's very few and far between. But yeah, I think a lot of women are like, that guy's hot, but he's gay.

So what am I going to do? Yeah. Gay sex is pretty intense. It seems intense. I've never dabbled, but a little bit. Yeah. Sometimes I'll pull it up as a goof or for fun either way. Yeah.

My friend used to have this screensaver. It was two old men or three old men like fucking. And it was so funny because they were fat and bald, white hair. And it was just so comical. And that's their lives. Yeah. Well, that's their sex lives, for sure. Wow.

I guess so, yeah. What I used to do when I would leave Sarah's apartment on her screensaver, I would make it, I would Google image adorable down syndrome kids and then just leave it on there. She would love it. She'd be such a nice surprise. She's like, thanks for thinking about me. You're a sweet boyfriend. I love you.

They are cute. They're adorable. And then the adorable ones are extra adorable. They're all adorable, but if you Google specifically the adorable ones, you really got a winner. Oh yeah. I mean, retarded kids. What's more gentle? Well, they're quite strong though.

If you cross them, they can really smash your head through a window. Retard strength. Yeah, that's the term. I don't think that's an acceptable term anymore. Down syndrome strength. I think it might be special strength. Special strength. That's cute.

That sounds like a Tylenol. Yeah. But anyways, these girls out there are looking great and the men look great too. I don't want to, what do you call it? Disclude. Not include. Exclude. Exclude.

I don't want to exclude. Boys, you look fabulous out there. Yes. I'm telling you this off Mike air. Mike air. He's good. Mike Jordan. I pause that.

That's something was coming. I apologize. But anyways, this woman was wearing a boost. Yeah. What do we talk about? Not a romper. A romper. I always forget romper.

She had a romper on and it was a nice flowery romper. It was blue with red flowers and love a romper. Yeah. She had a nice romp on and hit a nice romp and a good romper. A romper. If you will. Dump her. But anyways, she put her foot.

She must have been airing that push out because that puts gets quite clammy. Tell me about it. It's like a grilled cheese sandwich pulling that thing apart. It really is like, you could. And it could be 20 minutes. Same as balls, by the way. Again, not excluding ball bag and pussy flaps. It could be 10 minutes after a shower.

It's already ripe. Totally. My ball bag is that schmegma down there. It coagulates. Yeah. It's like you have to put on a two bars of soap on either ball and then put on a elastic around the whole thing to keep it smelling OK. They should make ball odorant.

Well, I think they have powders. Ah, the powder, right. But I never use that powder. No, I heard that causes cancer. Is that right? That's what I heard. I'm afraid of the powder getting in my dick hole. I don't want anything in my dick hole except for, you know, cum.

Yeah. And piss. And piss, yeah, yeah. I think they come from different places. That's true. One from the balls and one from the uterus. I think one's from the vas deferent. Is that right?

I think I'd Google it folks at home. Yeah, we got no Shelby. We're going to have Shelby back soon, I think. Yeah, we should really use him while we have him. I suppose so. I hope we keep him. I want Shelby in my life. He's he's here to stay.

I had a good chat with him today. He loves us. Oh, does he really? He doesn't show it. He doesn't say it, but I can see it in his lips. He's like my. You read the lips. I read the lips.

My dad's like that. He doesn't say much. But you got to assume every once in a while, my mother will call and go, hey, Shelby loves you. You know, funny. His lips are like, if you read his lips, it's like a child drawing with a crayon. It's huge writing. Yeah.

It's a adult print. What's that called? Big print. Adult film. There. They could be featured in there pretty well too. Yeah. Well, anyway, speaking of, I'm holding this thing like it's like I'm fucking Letterman

over here to tell. Well, I went to Denver, Colorado where I was born and partly raised. Song lyric. I got a card here. I don't want to say their name. One guy just wrote RC. Maybe he doesn't want me to have his name. RC.

Yeah. And then his wife or girlfriend, her name starts with an A. I'll just do initials, but they gave me a card and it's a funny card. Looks like there's some gay sex on the front. Black and white. Oh yeah. Fun. Might not be gay.

Might be regular, but wishful thinking. Special sex. One guy, I mean, and RC calls me Uncle Joe in the card. The woman calls me Joey and calls me the F word and that says, I hope you can blow a hot load of my back and eat it, which is really delightful. Love it. And then she said, you know, Tuesday, Patreon, there's some other stuff in here. It's too sweet.

I don't even want to read it. Yeah. But they gave me a hundred bucks. Oh, just cash. A hundo cash. Wow. That's lunch. So RC and A, I mean, RCA records.

God bless you. God love you. And I hadn't opened the card. If they left it, they did. I would have been fucking them both in the house. Oh, yeah. How do you hug that out? You know, that's a lot of gratitude.

Yeah. So, hey folks, I mean, you got to step up your game. What is it? $10 gift card? I know, right? These guys are a hot couple, by the way. A big C note. Yes.

Sexy couple, 520s and a couple of high fives and smiles. And they were so sweet. They saw us at the stand. They went to the frantic. Wow. Final frantic, which we should talk about in a moment. But so thank you, RC and A. God bless you. And then all the people that gave gift card.

I'm joking, of course. We love the gift cards. Any denomination. We're so grateful for the Patreon people. And it really helps. I mean, we're living in a fucking mansion here in the Greenwich Village. I got a wife that I'm supporting and a bag of dicks. We got to pay the AC bill, folks.

Also, thanks for coming up to my show, RC. Didn't see any card on my show. Well, I think he might have been traveling or he was there and they hadn't decided to, you know. Yeah, I get it. Well, what are you going to do? But it says, I love what you and I'll find it here. Truly love what you and Mark do.

Fuck Chipotle. Enjoy some good Denver moments of joy. There you go. And then he wrote, fuck my face. I got to fuck this guy's face and his wife. I mean, it sounds like a good weekend. Yeah, it was a hell of a time. So RC and A, God bless you.

You're number one fans. Don't ever forget that. I'm going to laminate. I'm going to laminate that thing and hang it up. Yeah, frame it. I will. How was the weekend of Den? Well, let me get into Denver, I guess, because we haven't recorded in a while.

So I got Syracuse, Denver and cancer. You look good. Went up to Denver. First of all, I just love the city. I love the area. I always have. I dabbled in dating a gal out there years ago. That's right.

Didn't work out. The first flame. Second flame. Second flame. Derek's sister was quite a flame. Come again? You dated her? Oh, yeah.

Is that how you met Derek? No, I met Derek first. It was a little tense there for a moment. Oh, that's some 90210 shit. Oh, yeah. I really got spicy. And then they had sex before we had sex. So it was a whole thing.

Yeah, it was quite an episode. Incessant. Well, when you're young, you're young. Yeah, yeah. What are you going to do? Oh, I see. I see. OK.

I see. I was picturing. I thought you meant you fucked Derek's sister. But this is his first gal, then you dated her. No, no, I dated his sister. Wait a minute. Oh, I got it. I think we've talked about this years ago.

And now he's married to another lady. He's not married to his sister. No, no, no. That's what they were getting at. No, no, no, no. Although he was born in New Mexico. So who knows? They get a little wacky down there.

I guess so. But anyways, Denver had been there many times. Yes. But I was saying, yeah, yeah, there was a gal out there. And by the way, she moved. She was moving. She was supposed to. This gal I used to date was like going to move to a different city.

And she's like, wow, see at the shows. And then she was like, I'm moving Saturday. So I'll have to come Friday. I was like, great. And then she texted, hey, it turns out I'm moving Wednesday. She was like, when are the shows again? I'm like Thursday, Friday, Saturday. And then like a few days later, she's like, turns out I'm moving Wednesday.

And like, did you change your move date to avoid me? Well, maybe she heard you were bringing your wife. She knew I was bringing my wife. I don't know. But I think she, I think it's over. But the friendship's over. We just saw her a couple of months ago. I know.

I think she was off put or something. She did seem a little off put. Yeah. Well, what are you going to do? I know. I already hooked up with her. Oh boy. Joke egg folks.

But anyways, so I went out to Colorado with Sarah and to the comedy works. And what a club. Of course we talked about it. And by the way, half the fucking crew, staff listens to it. What a staff. We love your staff. They love it. There was one of the guys had a Tuesday shirt.

I fucking got his name and I already forgot. I'm so bad with names. It's so many of these Tuesdays out there. We love all of you the same. I've been Todd, Tyler, Jeremy, Mick, Mike. Mac. Mac is very English and Irish. There's no mix in America.

No. There's a racial mix. It's like Mick Taylor, Mick Jagger, Mick Ronson. A lot of mix in England, but none here. Yeah. I guess you're right. I like one Mick. I know a Mickey.

Mickey Mantle. I got Mickey Hanna hands of Buddy from New Orleans. Mickey Mouse, couple of Mickey's, but no mix. No. Mick is good. I might have a kid named Mick. There's Mick. He's a comic, but he lives in Long Island.

He's from Ireland. Oh, all right. Well, that doesn't count. He's from Ireland. Yeah. Mick Thomas. Oh, yeah. I think I know that guy.

But anyways, a lot of comics listen to the show, too. So many comics listen to the show. So many fucking staff at the comedy works, and they get the best staff in the biz. They're all like comedy nerds out there. Oh, yeah. And there's a bunch of beautiful women, of course, working there and sexy men. I had the same waitress, Tanya, from January. Oh, yeah.

She was great. Love, Tanya. Very helpful, very nice. Now, what are you tipping, Tanya? Because I left her a doozy, but I was like, is this enough? I think I gave a doozy. But we don't drink. And she only came in three times.

I mean, I ordered buffalo wings and a fry. Oh, I got 38 beers, two shots, and a child. I gave her 40 bucks. I think that's what I gave. That's not bad. All right. I mean, 40 bucks, a couple glasses of water and a Coke. Yeah, you're right.

I feel like that's OK, but you never know. I mean, then there's other people that swing in there and throw the whole thing off. They dropped 900 bucks. David Telley, she likes a cigarette. He gives her $15,000. It's like RCNA. Now everyone's got to give 500 bucks to us in a car. Right?

Come on my butthole. That's how it works. Well, thank you RCNA for stepping up the game there. But anyways, so we get to Denver and I just, I love the area. I got to get out there and do some hiking. First, we did Fort Collins Aggie Theater. Yes. And you rented a car.

I rented a car, which is not enjoyable. It's a long travel day. You got to fly and the whole thing. And then the Denver Airport. I don't know if you guys know this. It's in Oklahoma. I mean, it's fucking six hours away. Yeah.

And you got to take a 20 minute shuttle to get the car. That's the whole thing. Then we get the car. We drive to the condo, best condo in the business. Easily. It is. It's insane. And you can ride a bike through this thing.

I know this. What is it? Two bedroom, two bath, giant living room, outdoor patio, giant kitchen, cool building. It's half a block from the club. You can't beat it. The patio is literally bigger than your apartment. Yes. No exaggeration.

No. Spectacular. We drive up to Fort Collins. Great city up there. Beautiful. Beautiful. We watched a bunch of kids play in those little, you know, the things that the water shoots out of the thing.

I played in it. I took a kid. You got to watch it. And slowly all the kids realize they can put their vag and dick holes on that thing. Like after like 10 minutes, all the kids are just laying there on the holes going like, Oh yeah. You're like, you can tell this is a freak right here. Hoses blasting up their cunts.

It's a free bidet. They're kid cunts. It's a big day. Happy bidet. Yes. Still got it. So then we went out to, we did the show. Great Aggie Theater.

Bunch of Tuesdays again. There was a kind of a sexy woman up front. She sold dildos I found out afterwards. Everything's sexy. She was like, I love that she was doing the rock and roll fingers. I was like, yeah, you ever fucking mother in the ass? She was like, ah, it was really hot. And then after she's like, I sell dildos for a living.

I was like, no kidding. And I asked her that womanizer that Nikki told us about. Yes. On the live episode, check out the Patreon. I was like, is that for real? How good is that? And she said you can get any suction cup dildo. Anything that sucks and whatever.

So I'm gonna, I might go around the corner after this. If you want to come get myself a womanizer and make my girlfriend, you know. Squirt. Yeah. I wanted to squirt my eyeballs. I wonder if it's like, if she squirts, you can suck it up. Oh, that would be nice. Like a wet vac.

Yes. It sucks with the moisture. It uses its own saliva. It's like the fucking thing at the dentist. And we're like, I love that thing. I hate that thing. Me too. Now that I think about it.

It sucks to spit. You close your mouth and it goes, you know, you can't talk. It's taking all your air. Sometimes you just want to support the other guy. So I say something quick. But I'm like, I don't like that thing at all. One time it sucked under my tongue and left a big purple ball. Big purple ball.

A balloon. Usually I like a purple ball, but. Sure. Who doesn't like a purple ball? Not in that circumstance. But yeah, the womanizer. I wonder what one of those go. I'll go with it because it's a sex shop right over here.

We have these. Well, then we got to wash it. Wash it either way. It's going to be covered in saliva and come. That's true. Cavity. Maybe you leave it on there like an old walk. You know, it tastes better.

Old walk. That's a Chinese restaurant around the corner. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. Those walks that you make the stir fry in. They don't really walk. Oh, I don't know what a walk is. That's the big bowl.

You know, they, you know, they like, whoosh, whoosh. You know, the food splashes up and down. It's got a big curve, a big metal bowl. And it's the food goes up and down like that. You get the sticks. That's a walk. That's a walk. Wow.

Walk this way. Oh boy. That was fun. Well, anyways. Yeah. Let's go around the corner. We'll get some big bildos. All right.

Let's play. If they only have one. I got dibs though. I'm dying out there. You take it. I just want to see it. Up 10 years in over here. Let me use it once.

I got to do something. I'm putting shoes in her ass. Nothing's working. Yeah. The clock is different from a flip-flop, it certainly is. So how about this? I'm on I 25 is the main highway. In Colorado Colorado and the highway is shut down.

What we're doing radio with the Mel, the publicist, whose sweet is pie. And the, the road is shut down. Because the fatal axis has rode shut down fatal Karrak. And we're like, oh, wow. Holy hell. What the fuck? That's too bad.

That's sad. Sure. So with all this traffic, which it's, it's a bummer. Mel is sweet. She was great. But it sucks when you're in traffic, when you're doing radio. Because usually the person that you're with is not enjoyable to be around.

You're usually picked up by some goof. Right. Like the, the dishwasher at the club. Yeah. And so then you hit, you see that traffic road close. You're like, fuck me. I only prepared two hours with a small talk. Exactly.

You get to that point sometimes when you're doing radio and you just go, so we're done. Can we just kind of look at our phones now? I know, right. But Mel was sweet. She gave me a bunch of hot tips. She gave me the hot S tip. I'll get to that in a moment.

Oh please. But then we're driving up to Fort Collins and we, you ever had this happen when you're driving and you beat the first responders to an accident that also might have been fatal? Wow. We're driving up the other side of the highway, like an hour away and we get there and all of a sudden

you just see like people scammering around the street and everyone has their hazards on and we drive by it like 50 miles an hour and there's a car flipped. And they're like pulling a guy out like fucking saving Private Ryan. And the ambulances are all coming the other way. They're whipping down this way. Wow.

So we beat the first responders. I'm like, someone might be dead in there. That's a crazy crash. So a civilian was helping the guy. Yeah. Yeah. It was like someone with their arm around pulling another person.

There was another guy like sitting there like with his hand in his head. Like what did I just do? Yeah. It was quite a sight. I hate to say it, but this party like, there's a good radio talk. I can use this.

I literally exactly what I said to Sarah. I was like, well, there's something for the podcast. And like, meanwhile I'm driving with my knee on a road that has been two fatal accidents. I'm typing in like two fatal accidents, one highway exclamation point. Wait, I thought Mel was driving you. No, no.

This is later the same day. Oh, okay. Later in the day. Oh, wow. Yeah. And so I'm typing in, but you have exclamation points. Like I'm like, I'm going to forget how big of a deal it was. Right.

I'm like dead. Right. My own note. Like I'm reading it being like, oh shit, she was dead. Yeah. But anyway, it's crazy. Two fatals in the same highway. We went up.

We did Aggie theaters. Yeah. Yeah. Aggie theater. Bunch of Tuesdays came out and just sweet as pie. So thank you. They're everywhere. Were they drunk?

Because all mine were hammered. They were drunk. There was one guy that was particularly hammered. He was a big bonfire guy. He kept saying crackle, crackle, which was very sweet. Yes. But you're like, all right, I get it. Yeah.

But yeah. A couple of them were drunk. A couple of them were just sweet as pie. Took pictures. One guy had a poster I signed. Tyler maybe. Shout out to that guy. Tyler.

So thank you. Everybody coming out. It's so touching. Shows. If you were there, folks, this past weekend, the best show was Thursday. Thursday night. The hot one. The fans come out.

Was yours hot Thursday? Yeah. Thursday was good. And Friday instead of getting a little rowdy. Little dicey. You're kind of mixing in non-gays. Exactly. Straits.

It was also Gate Gay Pride Week. And it was also Comic Con. And those two groups, you can't tell who's who. Interesting. Yeah. This guy with leather pants and a lightsaber. I'm like, are you gay or comic? Yeah.

You gay or Vader. Gator. Exactly. So that was fun. Because you go up for a while. You go get a coffee. And you got Marty McFly walking by. And then two guys snuggling.

I like that your biggest comic book is Back to the Future. Well, that's the, I'm trying to, this is what Sarah and I were talking about. This Comic Con is no longer just comic books. I thought it was comic books. But you see all these people just dressed as like this Back to the Future. And someone else was like Hannibal Lecter. There's like weird shit. I think it's just now just dressed up like a thing.

Yeah. Good for them. Like you and I, we could dress up like Seinfeld and go. We could be Kramer and George and go to Comic Con. That's not bad. It seems fun. Yeah. I'm down for that.

Go as Kramer. Just start yelling the n-word. Yeah. I think that was a different guy. That was Michael. Richards. But so that was fun. Then we went to Red Rocks on Thursday.

Like you and me and Ari did. You got to go. And John Toll, who emceed on Saturday. Great guy. Love the Toll. That's the thing about Denver Comedy Works. They mix and match the feature host. Well, here's another thing about Comedy Works is they have like real headliner.

It's like a real comedy city. And so the headliners are just around and they'll MC. We had Mike Stanley and John Toll two different day. Those are pros. Stanley comes out and like he's like a fucking 18 year road dog vet. He's murdering. Oh yeah. Like it was like one of those things where you're like the MC might bury the feature.

I mean, he's just fucking destroyed. And that was that hot Thursday show. And you're almost like, this is great. But you're like, this is almost unfair. Like the MC usually is like some local dick. He's been doing comedy for a year and a half. He gets three laughs and eight bombs. Right.

But Stanley's just like, they're like, he's just murdering. He's like, oh my God. Now where does your lady go? She's featuring. Oh, so he goes. He's hosting. Yeah. So she did great.

But like there was definitely a moment where she's like, Jesus Christ, this sucks. Yeah. I'm like, you're featuring. You're used to being like, I'll cruise out there and kill for 20 and get out of here. But he's like 30 seconds in there, like carrying him off the stage. Wow. Great guy. I believe he listens to the podcast, by the way.

I would have said this either way. Yeah. Stanley, you're a pro. Yeah. Fuck you. And Tol too. He just fucking kills. And then I don't even know where it is.

I'm all over the map here. Keep going. Friday. We had Kevin Fitzgerald. You ever hear of Kevin Fitzgerald? Kay Fitz. Dr. Kev. Dr. Kev.

You know him. I've heard. He's got the white hair. White hair. And I think he's like a sexy older guy. Sarah kind of made a couple of like, ooh. Really? Yeah.

It was really something. I was like, I had to fight this old man. Yeah. Well, he was something. So this guy, Dr. Kev. Fascinating guy. He was a bouncer for the Rolling Stones on the most legendary tours. 72, 75, 78, 81, and 89.

Jeez, Louise. Good years. Yeah. And he was like a bouncer and he's got all these crazy stories about like, he took all the wives to a share concert on a helicopter from Philly to Long Island and the bouncer was like, who are you? Get back in the helicopter. And he fucking like punched him in the face.

It was a crazy story. Holy shit. And then later they're like, this is why you're the bouncer for shared. He's the bouncer for the Rolling Stones. Oh, I've heard that story. It's an amazing story. Yes. And then I guess they were like, well, what do you want to do with your life?

And you can't just be a bouncer. And he was like, well, I love animals. And supposedly they sent him to veterinarian school. On their dime? On their dime. Look at that. And now he's like this famous vet. He had his own show on Animal Planet called, uh, fucking, fuck my ass.

Look at that. We need Shelby here. Rolling Stone Vet or something? No, no. It was separate from the Rolling Stones. It was like emergency vet or something like that. Two E's of emergency. That's a good powder.

Elliptical, ellipsis. Elliptical. Enemy of the state. Something that was an E, enema, emergency enema. Ecstasy. Enigma. Elongated. Something.

He had a show on Animal Planet, but now he works for the Denver Zoo. And he goes up to the North Pole. He's like swimming with polar bears. He's showing me these photos. And he's very like under toned. I'm such a dumb person. Low key. Low key.

Yeah. But I was looking for like a good word. Soft spoke. Yeah. He's soft spoken. Sure. But like he'll just be sitting in the corner and he's like, yeah, you know, I was eating a polar bear's ass all the other day for science.

And you're like, what's that? Wow. And he's like, check it out. And he's like showing a polar bear. Like he took the photo. It's like a polar bear with a bloody face. It looks like, you know, a lady's panties. Like a, like a mold.

Like he just ate a seal. Oh, wow. And it's his photo. And he's like, check this out. And he's got a photo with like a vulture, like an 11 foot wingspan sitting on his hand. Oh my God. I was like, what do you got an eight foot wingspan? He's like, good eye.

11. I'm like, Jesus Christ. Look at that. Unbelievable. I'm this guy's unbelievable. He's telling these stories. And you're like, you should be. I want you to have them on my pocket.

I want to do a quiff. Yeah. But there was a whole, you know, there's a waitresses right now. We're doing meet and greet. So the whole thing. But it's funny how the coolest guys are always the, they don't have to project. Yes. Because their stories are interesting enough where you listen.

You don't have to like all yell and shit. Yeah. He really drew me in. And boy, quite a, quite a guy one night. I felt bad the second show. He's spaced on Sarah's name because he was, he was working hard to remember. It's a tough name, but he just forgot it completely. And he felt horrible.

Like he was like holding my elbow backstage. He's like, I want to kill myself. I'm going to kill myself. I was like, you can't kill yourself. We need you to save the animals. Yes. Yes. Emergency.

He's a guy on a dating profile that just women are jizzing their genes. Oh yeah. He's a sexy man. I guess he's a cigar smoker. He's like, next time you come up, we got to have some cigars. I'm like, I'm like, I'll fucking move here. Just to be friends. Like James Bond.

He can fix animals. He can do stand-up comedy. Knows the stones. He can smoke a cigar. He's got it all. Unbelievable. And he used to box. He's like, I was a kid.

He's like, all the Irish kids box, which just feels so old school. Yes. He's like growing up in the fifties. Everyone that was Irish boxed. He had to buy it. Him and his brother boxed. And he had all these crazy stories. Him and his brother did comedy together.

They were like really altie and it was hilarious. All these great comedy stories, bouncer stories, and animal stories. Unreal. I want to blow them. I love them. I want to see his white pubes. Quite a guy. Dr. Kev.

Big Kev. Check them out. I mean, great guy and just one of those people. You're like, I need to be friends with this guy. I love them. One of my favorite people I've ever met in my life. Really? Yes.

I want to be more like them. I love them. I want to be like them too. I mean, I don't want to be near an animal. No, wingspan. Yikes. Anything with a wingspan is frightening. Polar bear, not for me.

Kevin Durant. He's got a big span. Quite a span. Seaspan. Warren Spahn. That was a stretch. RC span. But anyway, so that was great.

And a ton of Tuesdays came up. But the thing is with those clubs, those hot clubs that you're like, it's the legendary club. You can't even believe it. Anything not killer. You hate yourself. I had the same thoughts. I felt stressed and like late show Saturday.

I got to tell you, and then maybe there was a couple of Tuesdays there. I didn't do a meet and greet. So I apologize. But I was, I was flustered. A little bit because it was just tough sledding. Yeah. Yeah. You feel bad complaining because you go, everybody raves.

Like I wanted to tell you, I had a rough once that was rough. But I was like, ah, who am I to complain about? You know, he's at the fucking Syracuse funny bone. I can't just go, ah, comedy works is hard tonight. Yeah. Well, it's tough. Syracuse funny bone. You're like, well, it's a tough club.

Everybody hates it. I'll do my best. And anything that's like decent, you're like, oh, I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it. You're like, what's your best and anything that's like decent.

You're like, hey, all right. Right. But comedy works. You're like, boy, I had a few jokes. You know those ones early on and the headlining set, when they don't hit and you're like, fuck, I thought this was gonna be a long one. Yeah. It's a long 50 minutes here.

If that's not working, it was an A bit. And you got a laugh but early show Saturday and Thursday if you're adding to those shows, you saw one of the best shows I've ever done in my life. And Friday, they were both pretty good. But some of them you're like, that was not a quite what I wanted. Yeah. But I mean, don't get me wrong.

Like everyone was like, that was great. And they were happy with it. But you're like, you just put a high bar for yourself at a club that's that hot. Totally. Do you have the thing where I get more nervous at like a club like that than I do at the Hartford-Funneybone. Hartford-Funneybone, I got my dick in my hand. I'm chewing on a piece of beef jerky and I got a butt plug in my mouth.

And I'm just like, whatever, let's roll with this. But the devil, I'm like, I got to kill it or else some shit. 100%. That's how I fell. I mean, that's what I'm saying. I had this anxiety of like, you better be killing it. And like, every joke that didn't hit, I was like, all right, all right. But I do want to be like, boy, that's not yet to be like, whatever, just act cool.

Right, right. So I had two smoking hot shows and like two, I was pretty good. And one that I was like, boy, that was, that was work. And it was the last show of the week, which sucks that you're like, I just got to get through this. Yeah. Sometimes you get to that, like when you're, you know, I always close with sex stuff. I always have a sex chunk.

It's always my last chunk. And I'm like, why don't I just get to that sex stuff? Then I'll just, because, you know, nightclubs, they, they start getting into that dick jokes. They're like, all right. Totally. And I got to the sex stuff and they were like, I guess, and you're like, fuck me hard. I got nothing to come after this. That's brutal.

Eventually they came around, but great weekend all in all. And I had Sarah there and she did great. And we, we went Red Rocks. That's what I started talking about. And we went to Red Rocks. You know, we went to the stage. You can get on the stage. Yes.

There was a big rope said stage club, no stage access. And we looked, they were setting up a band. It was Ryan Adams, who I'm a fan of. Look at that. He's a fan of his music. He's talked about it before. He's a real. He's a bit of a cunt.

On stage. Yeah. He uses comics. So this might get back to him. He's a bit of an RC. But anyways, they were doing the sound check, which was exciting. So there's a lady going, test, test. And I asked this guy, I was like, when does Ryan get here?

He's like, we're kicking everyone out at 230. It was like almost 230. So I was like, all right. So Sarah and I went on a hike. The same hike we did with Ari. Yes. Beautiful hike. I posted some pictures and then you just hear the music in the back.

They're doing sound check. You can hear Ryan Adams playing. So we're, we go on this long hike. And as we get back closer to the venue, you can just hear Ryan Adams sound check. It was pretty cool. That's fucking awesome. Free, free music. Pretty great.

And then I'll wrap this up at the next day upon Mel's suggestion. Yes. We went out to Eldorado Canyon State Park, which is out by Boulder. And folks, if you're in the area, spend the eight bucks to get in the park fee. Go out to Eldorado Canyon State Park. Spectacular. Better than red? Way better than red.

What? Red is cool because it's a venue. Like you're like, oh, wow. This is like an amphitheater. It's natural. It's legendary, whatever. But as far as hike, it's a canyon. It's this huge canyon.

It's like these rapid waters and it's coming right off the mountain. So I did this thing with Derek years ago in the Pacific Northwest. You got to do it. If you have the means, you dip your head into that ice water. It's a flowing river and it's coming right off the mountain. So you stick your head in. It's the most invigorating feeling. We got slow mo vids of me doing the wet hair toss.

Oh, yeah. And you just feel alive. It's my favorite thing I've ever done, better than any drug or alcohol. What? Dip your head into some rapid, ice cold, natural river water. How about that? My dick was hard. My asshole was loose.

Loving it. Man, ice cold mountain water. And we got to support these places because they're, you know, the government, they're trying to fucking get rid of these places. They're decriminalizing. I know. They want to put a pink berry in there and shit. So go and support the cause and get out there and live and hike and suck your own dick.

Well, you know, Mel, fun fact, when she was driving me to press, she kept being like, well, you know, people like us, you know, are kind. And I kept being like, are kind. She's a Jew from Brooklyn. No kidding. Yeah. She thought I was Jewish. Oh, wow.

She kept being like, you know, our people, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, our people. I didn't know if she meant comedy or fags or what, but apparently it's Jews. Oh, no, no, no kidding. Yeah. I knew she was from New York. She mentioned that. I grew up in like Brooklyn and then went to high school in Queens.

Yeah. She mentioned the Queens. Yeah. Yeah. Boy, that's exciting. Yes. The whole staff top to bottom. I don't want to say bottom because that makes it sound like there's someone on the bottom.

Right. But top to, you know, bottom. Yeah. Yeah. They're, they're great, great staff. And like I said, comedy. And then lastly, Chad Danes at the other club. Oh, CD.

Yes. And they make great hats. They had the little hats with the Colorado flag. They added a D on the end of it. Pretty neat. That's good. And so we shot down there. We missed the show.

We just went down to say hi to him and Hillary was there, of course, his agent, your agent. Good agent. And went down to the rap party. It wasn't much of a party. It was like, you know, crab and pizza or whatever. Kids were there. His kids. His kids were there and his kids are older now.

You know, it was 18 and his son. Yeah. His son could beat me up. Is she hot? I'd be, I didn't meet the daughter. Ah, okay. So I don't want to, which is the best answer. Yes.

Because you don't want to say no because that's offensive. You want to say yes. Cause that's hurtful. So what about the son? So it was a good looking guy. Yeah. So he was a good looking and I prefer an older man like Dr. Kev. Yeah.

Well, Kev's got us all hot and moist, but we saw Chad gave him a big hug and a smooch. And we told some stories, but I don't know where this special is going to end up folks, but you got to check it out. And we plugged it before check out his albums and he's on episode at some point. He did it quick. He was, he was running a little behind him, but we still caught him for a good half hour. But one of the best comics out there is number one comic on Pandora. That's amazing.

And when you go check them out, tell them we sent you. Yes. Say, Hey, here from the Tuesdays. Please. Cause that gets a good word out there. Oh yeah. You know? And so when we rec, we recommend someone and people do it and go, Hey, I heard about you

from the Tuesdays. There you go. Spread the good cheer here. I got more, but I've been talking too much. My throat hurts and my balls are blue. I'll just, I'll go quick. I don't have much here, but I just want to say I had, I had a weekend in New York. And I got to tell you, I fell in love with this city.

It was 65 degrees every day. Me and Ari did a barbecue. Veter came out. Sean Patton came out. Will Sylvince came out. Wow. We hung out all day, a couple beers, and you go do your sets. Then we end up at the stand, like all of us.

And we drink more than we're hanging out at the stand. Then we all go to the cellar for a late night cellar. It was just some of the best nights I've ever had in New York. We couldn't use it. Oh boy. So great walking to you. You walk from the stand to the cellar, that night air, talking comedy, talking shit. Great time.

And then I blew it. Uh-oh. So we're all hanging out at the cellar. David Tell's hanging out. He's cracking jokes. We're having the best time of our lives. Dave's like, all right, I'm going on. So we all go watch Dave killing, killing.

And then we're sitting in the doorway. So he does that thing where he goes, hey, what's up with you, Norman? Uh-huh. I choked. Oh. He's the king. He's my idol. He's the fastest guy in the West.

I couldn't think of anything. You did the hotel joke, but the hotel joke is common. I freaked. I'm a decent guy, joke guy, whatever. I'm ready. I can talk. I'm on the radio. I'm here.

I'm gay. I'm fat. Ari was kind of going back a little bit. He was actually human. And I just went, ugh. And Dave's like, you play any sports? I went, no. And he goes, OK, thanks for that.

You know, I was like, ah. But it's hard. It's unfair. He's playing a different game. I know, but I could have said something, at least attempt humor. I just, I went with just, just play it straight. Yeah. It's like if you were playing one-on-one with Jordan, then you just punted it.

Again, to the bleachers. Yes. Yes. I just stabbed the ball with a screwdriver. But the thing with a telly, that'd be hard to pierce. I guess so. Well, maybe with a Phillips. Because they're pointier.

That's a good point. Well, the flat is a corner. Two corners. Two corners. Because I think the point is kind of dull. A little dull. I was dull that night. I'll tell you that.

My point was dull. But that's the thing with a telly. He does that sometimes. Well, he'll just get you involved. Yes. Jordan, and you're just, you're dabbling. I mean, we're not, we're not nothing. Yeah, we're not nothing.

We're not Jordan. We're not LeBron. Yeah. I'm Christian Slater. Right. I'm Gorbachev out there. I meant to say Leitner. Oh, Leitner.

I mean, I'm good. But I'm no, you know. But Christian Slater is cool, too. I met him one time. Really? Yeah. What? Well, we got to, that's a whole, that's a quiz.

Save that for the queef. Well, that's a teaser. Nice guy. But anyways. Yeah, so I froze. Oh, but he, oh, that's what I was going to say. I tell, doesn't it? He'll try to get you involved.

And you'll be like, he's like, what's your favorite food? And I'm like chicken parm. And he's like, thanks for nothing. Yeah. And I'm like, well, I don't know what to do. I just asked you a question. I don't have a gold bit ready for what's your favorite food. Exactly.

Yeah. And you don't want to take his sunshine away, you know, with our thunder. I don't know where. I made a positive. Please don't take my sunshine away. Yeah. So, you know, you don't want to like throw too much out there.

Then you want to hog it because he's the, the man of the hour. So it was too much swirling around my brain. Then I had that thing where I was laying in bed at night going, Oh, I could have said that. I could have said this. I suck. I hate myself. And, you know, the whole night are, he's like,

Oh, you really blew it out there. Yeah. And like Ari had like two lines out of 10, 10 that were like, okay. That's his norm. He looks like a God compared to me. I looked like a, like an idiot. Wow.

So that was fun. Let's say sounded like it doesn't, doesn't look like much. That's true. He's a real dump Jewish camel. But, but yeah. Great time with Ari and Pat and all these fun gang hangs. And listen to this day I had last week. Talk about a comedy day.

Uh-huh. Woke up at eight in the morning, did Jim and Sam at Sirius Radio. Then got a black car to Krista Stefano's Comedy Central show out in Queens. I didn't know you had a Comedy Central show. He's got a show. Comes out on Fridays. Glaser just did one and Roy Wood did one. Wow.

Uh, then left there went straight to Chip Chipper's podcast. Uh-huh. Did that. Then went straight to Doug Love's movies sold out at the Gramercy Theater now on iTunes. Then Hytale Bennington was on. Bennington killed. He's a killer. You forget how you, you wonder why these guys are legends.

That guy like Norton was on. I was on, we had a couple of quick lines with Bennington. I mean, he had the fucking place rolling and he did a mic drop at the end. And they got like a, almost got a standing O. I mean, the guy's a pro. He's tremendous. And you can hear him on our live podcast right now on the Patreon folks. The Moontower app.

He's unbelievable. Yeah. And then I did a bunch of seller spots out. It was the longest day of my life, but it was just this full comedy day. And I'm like, what a city. The opportunities here, the amount of shit you can do, the stage time, the mic time. Can't beat it. Bless you.

You feel hot. You feel warmed up. Yes. It's like you golf 36 holes. Like I could go golf 64 or whatever the good scores. So true. Yeah. Yeah.

You got to do a couple of laps where you hit that Olympic size. And yeah, just great hangs in the cellar. Then we hung out the other night with me. I'm walking around aimlessly in the village. I bump into Sam and Phil Hanley. I go, what are you doing? I go, we're getting dinner. I go, let's get dinner.

Wow. We get a couple of Vietnamese pho. Oh, I don't care for pho. You don't like pho? I like fun. What the fuck? I like, I love to fuck. Yeah.

That's my favorite. I like to pull out and come right on that bush. No, I don't like fun. I like fun. Fuck. Fudge is okay. It's okay. We can pack the fudge.

It's in those panties. That's true. Yeah. So it just had a great night. And then we both, we all three of us had a spot on the same show. Hannibal pops in. Wow. Hannibal, five months sober, by the way.

Oh, good for him. Which blows my mind because that guy could put him back. Yeah. He might have a chance to meet Christian Slater. Oh, starting to get some clues on broken arrow himself. Gleaming the cube. Gleaming the clues. Boy, this might be the best episode I've ever had.

Yeah, we're killing it. So yeah, Hannibal was fun. We hung out with him. And then I had a flight to Salt Lake City. SLC. 715 AM at a JFK, the worst airport in the world. Thanks. Well, it's not a bad airport.

It just sucks to get to. That's your ride. It's not a bad airport. I shouldn't say that. Horrible to get to. Getting this sucks. So we're all hanging out. We're drinking.

John Patton, Phil Hanley, Sam Morrell. Liz is in there who is the manager at the cellar. We're all just drinking. I look at my watch. I'm like, ah, it's 430. We're at the Fat Black. It's closing down. So I'm like, shit, what do I do?

So now I walk around with Sam. We walk around the village. We're hammered. Now I'm like, ah, it's five. I got to go home, pack, and go to the airport. Oh, god. So I go home and I'm like trying not to fall asleep. I'm like packing in a daze.

I put a dildo, a hacksaw, and a fucking bagel in a suitcase. Because I'm drunk packing. And I start going on my Lyft to get a Lyft to JFK. $56. I go, ah, let me check Uber. Uber 66. So I go, all right, let me go back to Lyft. I push it.

Purchase. Get in the car. Sun's coming up. I hate myself. The booze is wearing off. Get to the airport. You know, you get that email. Please rate your Lyft driver $103.

I didn't look again. I figured it was 56. It couldn't have gone up that much in two minutes. Come on my leg and eat it. I wish I'd do that for $50. Great. This was $103. I wish I had shorts on.

The flight was $210. Oh. That's insanity. Oh, I hope they get AIDS. I hope. I hope. Please fuck a monkey. Do something.

So that was just a real dick in the mud. So of course I start shoplifting like crazy from the airport just to try to balance it out a little bit. I hope the guy that tweeted at us, he was upset about that. What? He was like, the airports barely make money. You steal from the wrong people. You got to steal. I think you have to steal from the airline.

You got to fuck a stewardess or something. Oh, all right. Or steal a seat. I got to steal a virginity of a stewardess. But I don't know. I mean, airports seem like they're doing pretty fine. The markup's quite high. Lot of markup.

Mark Normandup. So, you know, I stole an RX bar, a Casper mattress, and a Pogo stick. So I brought that in the overhead. But, yeah, stayed up all night. So I stole a big box of Dramamine. Oh. You want to fall asleep? Take one of these puppies.

It's like a horse tranquilizer. All right. So I popped three of them, a tonal PM, and two melatonin. Because I'm like, I'm making sure I'm out. I get that plane. I close my eyes. My dick gets hard. I fall asleep for six hours.

I wake up. The whole plane's empty. I was like, holy shit. Thank God they kicked me off or else I would have gone to Cuba with a connection. So. New York to Salt Lake City to Cuba. This airline stinks. Frontier.

They don't know what they're doing. I'm sweating in here. Frontier to Cuba. Oh, yeah. It's such a funny idea to me that Frontier is flying from Salt Lake City to Cuba. It's a weird connection, but hey. All right. We're off to Havana, by the way.

No assigned seats. Don't wake him. He's sleeping. So I get to Salt Lake. You get there at 10.30 a.m., by the way, because of the hour change. Yeah. You're going backwards in time. What the fuck am I going to do?

So I'm still all woozy. I'm wandering around the airport like a hobo, and finally I get in a car. I get the lift. I make sure it's cheap. It's $12. Things are different over there. Of course. The airport's 10 minutes away from the hotel.

I get to the hotel. I fall asleep because I'm all drugged up. I wake up at 6.58. The show's at 8. So now I'm all cock-eyed and anally. So I just pop up. I jump in the shower. I go straight to the club.

Eat a bunch of buffalo wings. Do a hot set. Sold it out. Thanks, Tuesdays for coming out. Then I was like, well, now I'm up. Right. I'm way up, because I took a nine-hour nap. So I just go out drinking with the staff.

And the bars close at 2.00. So I get home at like 2.30. I just pop some more Drammen, and now I'm back. But it was a topsy-turvy world. They're staying up all night for the birds. It's a young man's game. Yeah, you get wacky. And then you do it now in sobriety.

I'll stay up like past 3.30. I'm old. I'm 36. I wake up, and I'm like, this day's suck. My whole day's shot. I'm like, forget it. Your day's shot. You're mentally cloudy.

You're gay. You're all fucked up. And not to mention that was hungover, no sleep, and sleeping pills. So it was a time change. Jesus. And a hook shot. You go to Ghana.

What does he say? He's gone. The Sudan. You, my friend, are shooting for the Sudan. Sudan. I think it's Sudan. I think it's all court, by the way, or goal. I think that's where their family came from or something.

They're paying homage. Isn't that in the Middle East? I think that's Africa. Sudan? Yeah, I believe so. I always thought Sudan. It sounds like Iraqi to me. Yeah.

Well, I think it might be Muslim. I think it's Muslim Africa. It's Muslim. I don't know. Shelby's dead. I mean, we got to get Shelby back. We might be making some changes here, folks. Yeah, we missed the lips.

Who knows? But let me, I'm going to type in Sudan. I think it's in Africa. I think it's like the eastern horn. Ah, horny. We're looking it up. Yes, East Africa. There you go.

Between Ethiopia and just south of Egypt. Oh, that's why. Because that's a little more like Jewy, brownie kind of thing. I think it's Muslim. It's less blackish. I think it's Muslim. It's right next to the Red Sea, not to be confused with the Dead Sea. Right, right.

And across the river from Mecca. Ah, you got to face it. Yeah. It's also next to Chad. Now, Chad is a little more of the quintessential what you think of Africa. Yes. And Ghana is the middle. Ghana.

Ghana is little. I know that. I don't know. Big dicks. No, Ghana is West Africa. Yeah, okay. That's in the Gulf of Guinea. Ghana.

Ghana, Rhea. Cha-cha-cha. Well, so that's the beauty of Salt Lake. One show Friday, no press. Two Saturday, you're done. You go back Sunday. Wow, that is nice. It's a dream weekend, but I had a crazy Saturday.

I wake up at about noon. I go, all right, I got to get my life together. I go over. I slept all day yesterday. I hate myself. I'm going to the gym. Then I'm going to eat. Then I'm going to just write all day.

And I'm doing, I told you I'm doing an SNL packet just to fuck them. Just to blow them. Yeah, because I'm not, even if I get hired, I'm not going to work there. I don't want to work there. Right. Unless it's weekend update. But all right. So I wake up and you know me, I always try to like, I don't want to spend too much money.

I blew a ton of money on booze and all this shit the night before. So I wake up and I go, all right, let's go to the gym. I'm on my GPS, 20 minute walk, which I like. Yeah, 20 minute walk. Nice. Perfect day. You can see the city a little bit. So I'm walking and I see this cart kind of like, you know, those snow cone carts, like

a little Italian. Oh yeah, yeah. Two wheels on it. So I walk by and this guy goes, hey man, you want a, you want a salad? And I go, huh? A salad. Because you want a salad? I go, what are you talking about?

And he goes, I pulled my earbud out. And he goes, yeah, we were giving these salads out to people. We're selling these for $10. We're done. Lunch is over. You just want one? And it was this big hubcap full of Caesar salad, chicken and everything. Croutons, cheese, the whole thing.

I go, sure. So now I got a big salad in my arm. Wow. So I'm like, all right, well, there's lunch. Then I just go eat the salad in the park. Fun. Then I walk to the gym. I go in the gym.

The guy behind the desk at the gym who, you know, you go, peep, peep. You show your little pass or whatever. Sure. He's got a stack of towels he's been folding up on the counter. He's blocked off. It's like a wall. Oh. So, and they're paying for it.

So I just walk right by him. He never receives me. He's blocked himself. Wow. That's amazing. Yeah. So I just go in the gym. Now I got a free gym, a free salad.

I'm already saving like 25, 30 bucks. You didn't need our CNA. I guess you're right. Our CNA. They do. Yeah. Yeah. And then I leave there and I go, well, I haven't spent the time today.

So I go buy myself a big fat smoothie, eat the smoothie or drink the smoothie. Then I get a bottle of ice or chug ice cream. Then I go back to the hotel and I write all day. That's a nice day. Not a bad day. Glad it worked out. Yes. Then two shows that night.

I ate a bowl of ice cream after the show. You know, sometimes you just need to glutton out. Of course. That's my story of my life. I'm trying. I cut down. I'm fat. I'm fat.

Not. I can't even breathe over here. Well, it's all the club food and it's free. And there's like cheesecake and tiramisu and jizzies. Sizzies on there. It's too much. Well, I like to treat myself. And you know, when you don't drink, you go, oh, I'm not drinking and blah, blah, blah.

So I drink an extra Coke. And then after the show, I go and get a Chipotle. And then Denver, I was eating illegal pizza like it's like it's your, like it's your father. Right, right. Chipotle by day, illegal pizza by night. And I was really woofin' it. Well, you're cheatin' on Chipotle with that Pete. Well, I love both, of course.

But legal pizza is great. What's the diff? Well, legal pizza. First of all, legal pizza is like cool and hip. There's a bar there and that's fun. And you can kind of see some people. It's a hang. It's open till two o'clock in the morning, which is nice.

They mix it without even asking. Anyway, you guys can, because at Chipotle, you gotta be like, could you possibly mix it? They roll their eyes. They throw gum at you. Yeah. But there they go. We always mix.

They just do it. You gotta mix. And they have like an extra hot sauce. Like that brown shit. That's really nice. We are like your mouth's on fire. So that's nice. And then they have like kind of tomatoes diced into their brown rice.

So it's pretty, it's pretty good. All right, all right. Ultimately, I'd probably prefer a Chipotle. But illegal pizza's nice and it's local. You hear that, Chipotle? We're stickin' with ya, even though you're not kind to us. By the way, this isn't funny or fun at all. So I feel bad because it's been quite a hot episode.

So maybe we'll, I'll bring it down a little bit. But I want to bring it up and down at the same time. Let's give it up down. Top to bottom. Yes. Left to right. Front and back. Suck my dick.

Gotta thank the Tuesday. We had a Tuesday who named Lewis, who was in a horrific accident. Oh yeah? Gomez? Yeah. No, different Lou. And we mentioned it before on the Paw. He's a fan of the comedy.

He loves the Paw. I mean, listen, he's a Tuesday. He was hit by a vehicle. What? A drunk driver. What? Was in a coma. Oh my God.

Good news is, looking up, he's out of the coma. All right. And they expect him to make a recovery. But I posted on Facebook and Twitter and a bunch of Tuesdays. It teared me up. I said, hey, Tuesdays, if you want to help a Tuesday, this guy just got fuckin' annihilated. But he's going to be okay. He's done some money his way.

And a bunch of people sent money and said, hey, fellow Tuesday. Oh my God. It warmed my cockles, warmed my heart. I'm getting hot and bothered. That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Yeah. It's like a nice load of the back of your throat. So, sweet Lou, hope you're still listening and enjoying the pod.

Thank you for listening and get well soon. And to the Tuesdays, we love you. We fucking love you. Nice, nice going. Good looking out. We got the best fans in the world. You see people come down on us. You're racial jokes.

You're gay jokes. You're jizz. You're anal. We're good people. And our friends are good people. Suck on that. Dickless. Yeah.

God love you, Lou. So get better. Pull through and prayers and thoughts and all that stuff. But thank you, Tuesdays, for giving and your good people. Maybe we'll come up with some other causes to give you. Sure, sure. No, let it be known. If a Tuesday is, is hurt.

We got your back. We'll come and swing in and do our best. Come on your back and eat it. All right. I got a couple of things written down here. Let me just shuffle through. I'm out. That's all I got.

How about this? Yesterday, Sarah and I were taking, we drop off the rental car in Denver. And we go to take the shuttle from the rental car back to the airport, which is a long shuttle ride. Sure. And we're sitting there. We're the first two on the shuttle. That's fine.

We're sitting there. A few more people get on. A couple more people get on. Then a guy gets on with his wife. Big fat guy. I'm not fat shaming. I'm painting a photo. But he's fat.

Sure. Wide lens. John Candy, but less charming and funny and great actor. Got it. He's got two goofy glasses. He walks in. Now we've been sitting on this shuttle for about eight minutes and you got to catch the flight.

And Denver is one of those airports that can take a while. It's a biggie. And then once you get through security, you're going to get on a train there. I hate the train. It's a whole ordeal. It's Denver Airport. Oh yeah. And so he gets, his wife gets on and he says to the driver, got a minute?

Oh no. The driver goes, what? And he goes, you got a minute? I got to go pee. Oh, who is this guy? The guy's like, all right. And I'm like, what is that? Yeah.

What is that? You're an adult. Don't you see us on here? Yes. Consideration and other people feelings. And when you're a child, just hold it till you get there. Like I would never hold up a full bus full of people. But that's a fat.

That's why he's so fat because he just takes what he wants. There's no willpower. There's no discipline. I don't, I mean, I don't want to cast dispersions amongst fat people because, you know, there's some good ones out there. I'm casting. Yeah. I love a good fatty.

Yeah. This guy's got problems. A lot of them may love me when no one else would. But boy, it was really frustrating. He's like, I got to go pee. And to be fair, he was back relatively quickly. But you're like, we're the only, you're the only reason we're all sitting here. An entire group of probably 18 people just sitting here and we have somewhere to be at

the airport. Of course. You could miss a flight over a whiz. It's not like we just got to the airport and we're leaving, going to the rental car place. That would be somewhat different. Right. But what a fucking bag of douches.

This guy sucks. And I'm not fat shaming. I'm making people weight shaming. Yes. Weight. He has a weight issue. He's got a weight problem. He's got a weight problem.

Yes. Aha. It's not the W-E-I-G-H-T. I got one more nugget. I didn't get into Syracuse at all. That was last week. I got a whole bag of Syracuse. But I'll save it.

All right. We got a queef cooking. We got a queef. Well, I want to give this to the real deal because I got some buddies. I was with Alvin and Tom Dustin. Of course, we did a queef. The real deal. Yeah.

It was the old crew. That's the 1999 crew. Yeah. We've been at it a long time. And those guys, they drove to Syracuse to meet up with me. We did the whole weekend together. They listened to the pod all the way. Oh, sweet, sweet boys.

What is that? A 10-hour drive? No. It's not that much. Five. Oh, Beantown's North. Boston's actually closer to Syracuse than New York is. New York City, I think.

They're kind of like if you drove due west from Boston and due north from New York. Syracuse is out there. Got it. More like Albany, actually. But whatever. It doesn't matter. But they drove there. They liked the party.

Oh, they get after it. I was literally, we're doing the weekend. First show, they're driving from Boston. I'm walking to the club, from the hotel to the club. And you just hear like, they come peeling in. They get out and they're wearing basketball shorts and top hats and like a towel. I love it. And they just, they're arriving to the hotel.

They're the ones showered. I'm on my way to the gig. They're like, what are you up to? I'm like, I'm going to the gig. What are you doing? Wow. So they went, and of course they showed up on time, you know, but really pushing it. I was like, Jesus, I'd be freaking out.

I can't live my life like that. I know. But it's so fun. I mean, this is such a cheese ball thing. But like, remember when you were young? I felt like we were, we were stallions. We were mustangs. We lived off by the seat of our cunts.

And we ran around. We drank. We fucked. We ate jizz. It was a different time. I mean, I still love eating jizz. But even then, I would be, I was compulsively early. I would just be drinking at the club.

But you could go nuts and party and let loose. I went nuts. I'm still loose. I just farted. What are you kidding? I'm eating the fart. But sometimes I feel like we, you know, we used to go into a diner and turn the power off and steal the register and finger the old lady.

You know? Yeah. But now we have six-figure bank accounts. So it's kind of working out. Interesting. Just kidding. RCNA keeps sending money. Yes.

We're broke. I'm supporting my wife. Yeah. Not really. She's supporting three children in Africa. Very hard. She's doing well. Chad.

That's them. They're all named Chad. I swear to God, this is the best episode we ever did. Quick. You know, we had that Jim and Sam. Yeah, we warmed up. So let me tell the story. Please, sorry.

So we're walking around the fantasy, what's it called? Destiny. Destiny's Child. They call it Destiny USA, that mall. Yeah. So we're walking around the mall. I'm waiting for those guys. That's your destiny.

Might as well kill yourself now. That was my opener every night. There you go. They didn't care for it. No, it's a horrible town. But you know, every day, like I said, they get after it. So I'm waking up at like 10 a.m. I feel like the army, we do more before you're awake or whatever the hell that bullshit is.

I'm like, I'm up doing my push-ups. I'm writing and I'm working and I did a pod. And then by like two, you know, Alvin's like, hey, where you at? I'm waking up soon. Yeah. I'm like, the sun's going down. What was their order like in the green? It was just like, I'll have four long island iced teas and 13 shots.

Like they get crazy. It's free booze. Yeah. They get after it. We had fun, you know, but it's hard because I mean, I got up early. So I'm like, I'm going to bed. Yeah. But we had a great time.

We day, I'm a dayhanger now. Sure. Which by the way, we're talking about that during the day, I'm out hiking mountains and riding fences. Right. What the fuck was that? What was that? That was a bang.

Did someone bang on your door? We might be too loud. I thought it came from behind you. I thought it came from out there. Something bang. Well, we're wrapping up. All right. We're banging.

We'll quiet down for the last part. But anyways, let me get this last story out before the neighbor. We're going to get evicted here. We said come 18 times at the top of our lungs. Yeah, I know. But off Mike, we said way worse. That's true. Yeah.

We were really talking about Chad then. I'm sweating in here. We turned the air off for the pod and I'm dying. But keep going. It's like Sudan in here. It's like Tunisia. I'm just trying to remember as many countries again. Oh, so anyways, last thing I'll say and then I'll blow myself.

We're walking on the Destiny Mall. Yes. And you know, there's a carousel and I've videotaped it. Me and Alvin, I'm in the reflection of the carousel. That's all my Instagram. Hit me up. Yes. I leave.

We leave. And then I get a text from Ryan Hamilton. You still at the mall? And I go, what? He goes, I'm walking around with Seinfeld. We're at the carousel. What the fuck? I missed him by 15 minutes.

Oh my God. You could have met the sign. I could have met the sign with the ham. Oh my God. Ham and sign. What's so funny too is I was trying to get those guys to go on the carousel. Yeah. That was going to be my hot idea.

But you know, they were a little late getting up and at them. I was like, how fun will this be? I'll be on the carousel. It'll be a good video. Yes. I was like, can you imagine if Jerry Seinfeld and Ryan Hamilton will look at the carousel and then me, Alvin and Tom swung by. Oh my God.

He just missed him. Like, how crazy is that? Oh my God. I can't imagine Seinfeld in a mall. He walks around the mall. He loves it. They go for, they rent out movie theaters. They walk around.

So they were out in Syracuse as well. Just missed him. Oh, that's such a bummer. And I got to give a shout out to a big Tuesday. One of my favorite guys, Steve Rogers, who we've talked about before. He was hanging out the whole week because he's from up there, you know. Him and his lady Angelica, they were hanging out. We had a great hang out.

I'll get into this more on the next episode about great hangs all week. The four of us were hanging out. Me and Al and Tom and Steve and just shucking and jiving. And it's like the old days. We're singing and zanging all day long. All right. Just at night I go. I'm going to go to bed now.

Sometimes I feel like we lost our edge, but we're okay. We got edge. What are you kidding? I got all kinds of edge. Well, I mean, I think in a weird way to backtrack, I think it's probably for the best. You didn't meet the sign with Tom and Al. They would be like, whoop, whoop, whoop. We'd get like Zerber to give him and doing a credit card swipe, nut tap, you know.

I got a little weird with Jerry. We have a great time. What a great time. By the way, I kept talking about the Alec Baldwin comedians and cars episode. And I got, I woke up today to text from Alvin being like, sorry for the late text, but I'm watching this Alec. He's on my mother, Nannuism watching the Alec Baldwin. That's great.

And those guys are the best. I'll talk more about an episode, but check out, I mean, I don't think Alvin's uses social media, so you can't even reach the guy. He might be on Facebook. He's a recluse. But hit up Tom Dustin. I think it's Tom Dustin underscore. And he's got an album called Dangerous Now.

And we plugged it before, but go get it. Go check it out. And they should have a podcast, those guys, because they're the funniest guys on the planet. Alvin would be a little hard to understand, maybe, but after you get it, you get it. Yeah, yeah. It'll take a while. I always say you're his Han Solo to his Chewbacca, where you can, he's like, and then you know what he's saying.

Both of them are hilarious, but Chris Allen texted me just last night. He was like, I'm at the Richmond funny bone. Tom Dustin is murdering. Oh yeah. And I'm like, he kills, man. He's the guy. Yeah, he can kill. So great, great weekend.

Great friends. I say it a lot. It's like family. Those guys are family. And you can hear us all on the Patreon. We did a little Patreon, and the Patreon is really building. Oh, it's cooking, folks. We're about to record a bonus right now.

Just the two of us here. So right now, we've gotten to a point. If you're not on the Patreon, you're really starting to miss out here. Oh yeah. The live apps, the queues, the road stuff, the phone calls. It's all in there. Yeah. So check it out.

Hit up the Patreon. And thanks for everyone who already is. KCNA. We love you. God bless you. And the Chipotle. R.C. Casey sucks.

R.C. is the man. Casey Casey. I want to come in both your mouths in a nice way. I'll watch. And I'll kiss it right out of you. But go to comedian Joe list.com for my dates. I got a bunch of dates. I'm coming back to Dublin.

Vodafone festival. You got these mix. You got to really let them know because they don't listen. Top of the morning. July 26 to the 29th. I'll be at Vodafone killer festival. Tim Dillon will be there. Jamie Lee, a bunch of fun people.

Fun. Yeah. And then July 29, 20, 21 Providence, East Providence, which is where Alvin is from. I'm going to try to get him to MC those shows. I think he's going to hit them up. Hopefully he'll be on the shows with Sarah Providence, Comedy Connection. It's my hometown area-ish, about 45 minutes from my parents' house. So come out to that.

And I don't know. Check out my website. Yeah. Bunch of dates. Dallas is coming up and Hartford, Funny Bone. Facebook, Twitter, it's stuff. Yeah. Joe list comedy. All that shit.

But hit up the Patreon. We love you. We genuinely feel the love. We appreciate it. We do. We got the best fans. And all these clean, cum-guzzling comics are all turned out to be evil. We're a bunch of yuck-um-ups.

And we're a good guy. Yeah. So what does that tell you? But yeah. Yeah. Check me out. MarkDormanComedy.com. Coming to a city near you.

It's the C9AC this weekend. Gotham Comedy Club. Zanyz in Chicago. Portland, Oregon. Helium. DC Draft House. What's that one? The Appleton?

Oh. Skyline. Skyline. Chile. Yeah. Pittsburgh. You name it. So it's we're all coming.

We're all jizzing. We're all queefing. We'll see you in hell. Wait. And if you want to give to this Louis who's still going to need, he's out of the coma. He's still going to need plenty of money. It's on my Twitter. And I think I put on the Tuesday's Facebook page.

Oh, beautiful. I think too. On the Tuesday's Twitter. It's on my Twitter. You can find it. It's a GoFundMe. If you want to throw a few bucks, even five bucks, 10 bucks. Sure.

Because the guy, I mean, I don't know what, I don't know how he's doing. He's got to be whacked out. Oh yeah. Everything helps. Throw the guy a bone. Put some earbuds in the guy while he's conked out and just let him listen to a couple Tuesdays cooking. Yeah.

He'll be back to normal in no time. Yeah. He'll just wake up yelling, jizz. So. So yeah. I'm going to put this on Facebook. Tell a friend, goddammit. Buy a shirt.

Hit the Patreon. And fuck your mother. Raise our love. You're up to it. Alright. We're out. Oh, shit. I hit the wrong thing again.